Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 241: Mike Wozniak (Live in London)
Episode Date: April 13, 2024It’s night two of our two-night London Palladium residency and moustachioed maestro Mike Wozniak joins us in the Dream Restaurant. Listen to Mike’s podcast ‘Three Bean Salad’ wherever you list...en to podcasts. Follow Mike on Twitter @mrmikewozniak Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the London Palladium.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're currently listening to.
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Acast.com Oh, ding-a-ling, it's Saturday!
B-b-b-b-bonus!
It's a bonus episode, a live off-menu tour show.
Our second and final night in London, it was at the Palladium and our special guest is the wonderful Mike Wozniak. Everyone's favorite
Taskmaster contestant? Third. Yes, third. Judy Love, Fern Brady, Mike Wozniak.
Now, there will be some callbacks to the first half, might not make sense, but
listen, the secret ingredient, and this definitely won't make sense, the weird little milks in hotels.
Yes, UHT milks, that secret ingredient. It doesn't have to make sense because I think
that would be a brilliant secret ingredient for a regular episode. We wouldn't need to explain it,
really. There were some nights on this tour where the audience would suggest a secret ingredient,
and I'd think, surely we've already done that, And we hadn't. And I almost felt like ashamed.
Yeah.
But what's the matter with us that we haven't done the little UH2 milk from hotels?
I mean, they're so awful.
So awful.
But I'll tell you what's not awful.
Mike Wozniak.
Mike Wozniak is fantastic.
We love Mike.
And it was a joy to be able to talk to him at the Palladium.
It was finally do an episode with him, but having to be having in front of such a lovely
audience. Yes. So here it is. Let's just get on with it. It's the Off Menu
Menu Live of Mike Wasniak. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the ice cubes of conversation,
Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the ice cubes of conversation, pouring in the cream of humor,
adding the vanilla extract of friendship,
and blitzing in the blender of the internet.
It's a classic vanilla ice cream podcast.
It's the Better Than Pineapple part. That is a gamble.
My name is James A. Castle.
Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask
them their favourite ever.
Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink.
Not in that order.
And this week our guest is Mike Wozniak.
Long time coming James.
Long time coming. We. Long time coming.
We've been big fans of Mike from day one.
We're so glad that everyone's here to see Mike.
Wasn't that here his brilliant food choices?
I'm just a bit of a, just very conscious after how tired out
I got of my health.
So I'm just checking how much.
The old pinch test.
Just doing a little pinch of the hips.
Yes.
But it's not about me yet.
No.
If there's anyone I've ever met who less needs a pinch test,
treat yourself like you're an overbearing mother in the 70s.
Yeah, that's true, actually.
Pinch chest, man.
You're all good.
Thank you chest man. You're all good. Thank you man.
This is the off-menu menu of Mike Wozniak.
Come and take a seat Mike. Right there in the middle. Thank you.
Lovely.
Thank you, Mike.
James, what are you doing?
Sorry?
We've got to do this properly, Mike.
We've got to do it properly.
OK, sorry.
Yeah.
So I haven't seen James yet.
Is that correct?
Yes, that's correct.
Yes, you've not seen the genie yet.
Now, at this point, well, normally we invite the guests to rub the lamp at this point
But you and you can but also knowing that James has just pulled a muscle and it's quite funny to leave him squatting there
for a while
But if you would like to get up and rub the lamp you're very welcome to Mike you go for it
Is there any way in particular that is most effective or?
It depends on which genie law you subscribe to Mike's okay Well Why don't I do it feels I don't you don't cup it
You don't normally rub the lumps undercarriage
It feels indecent to go for this and the sort of problem just not it did rub the tip
But you know what you do what you okay? No, it's not
I'll go for this one of the bulbous fleshy
mass I'll go for this bulbous fleshy mass. Welcome Mike Wadsley at the G-Restaurant, we've been expecting you for some time.
Thank you.
I mean I've seen that maybe 12 times now and it's always impressive.
I think it's quite impressive. I think it's quite impressive
I've only ever seen it from that side, but
You paid come directly out of the nozzle you've lined it up. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's that took a lot of practice. Yeah
Lead with the this part of the where your forehead meet your scalp. Yeah, you've got a lead with that
The pathfinder is it yeah yeah yeah yeah what would be your if you had to jump out of a lamp yeah
would be your technique mike probably go breach and uh see if anyone came to assist
that's the sort of test of friendship i think early Early doors. I'd be gutted if I found a genie lamp and it was a breech cheek.
You've got to act fast. The old medical background coming into place.
If you try and ignore it, it kicks in now and again.
When you were a doctor, did you have to give a lot of patients like dietary advice which is
a food podcast. We've jumped from genies into the food quicker than
normal. Yeah it's a long time ago and that would probably be more
pertinent for sort of stoma care. It's the earliest. It doesn't tend to get most people's juices flowing.
You'd be surprised. Okay.
This crowd might like to hear things you've told people not to eat.
What happens now?
Did you ever have someone come to you who ate so many carrots they turned orange? That happens.
I haven't had that. No, that... But is that a real thing?
I mean, I think it's sort of technically... It might be a real thing. I haven't...
I think so. I think they'd be turned away at the door, wouldn't they, if they...
What, at the hospital? I think so.
If an orange... So if an orange man came to...
No, not if an orange man. An orange man is more than welcome.
They see orange people all the time, right? They're... They're too penny. Okay, but so if an orange
man... It's very rarely because of carrots. So at what point are you turning this person
away then? Well, if they're carrying a wheelbarrow full of half-eaten carrots. See, it's your
imagination that's added that bit. Okay. But I think that would be a reasonable move in the triage.
Depends how busy it is, if there have been any major disasters.
As a rule, if the person shows up with a wheelbarrow full of the things that have caused them their illness,
would they get turned away?
Well, it depends. Not if it's, you know, shrapnel, something like that.
It's a case- case basis. I haven't done this for a long time, do you know what I mean? But yeah that's that's why I seem to recall. You've not you've not been
a doctor since the time of shrapnel injuries. Shrapnel and whip. It was very much a wheelbarrow
based carpark in those days. If you were well enough to operate the barrow, you were sent home immediately.
Yeah.
That was rule number one.
That was the big test.
Yeah.
Would you call yourself a foodie, Mike?
You're a foodie.
I'd like to think of myself as a foodie,
but I don't know what qualifies me to say that.
I mean, for example, I'm not a very good cook.
I don't eat out very much
So what you eating Mike
Get through a lot of cereal. I
Know you like cereal bars. Yeah in any form. Oh, yeah
Bars spheres bowls. Yeah, I'll take it however it comes when we were writing on the sitcom man down together
Thank you that represents the listener figures
Alex and no one else
Did quite well actually when we were writing man down
Greg Davis is flat because it was a very professional operation and once you turned up really hungover
But you didn't want Greg to know
And the way you tried to keep it secret is you ate five cereal bars in a row.
And for the rest of the day, you walked around the flat,
and every time Greg turned around, you went,
I feel so weird.
And I think I got away with it.
The life hack there.
What's the life hack?
Eat five cereal bars and drink a beer a week?
Yeah, drink three beers to the win the night before a big day at work, you know.
Five's the number.
What was your go-to cereal bar at the time?
I mixed it up.
That's absolutely pivotal, guys.
Okay?
Yeah.
You've got to mix it up.
I think there was just a sort of jumble of whatever.
I'd sort of got free from various backstage areas
over the preceding few months,
sort of dug out of a sort of soggy hole
at the bottom of a backpack, basically.
What we're talking, is there a trek in there?
There might have been.
I think there was, I mean,
there probably would have been a naked bar.
I remember you used to love naked bars.
You and I really got into them at the same time and we'd talk about them.
Then they discontinued the Banana Crunch.
Yes.
That was the apex.
Literally the next words out of my mouth were going to be,
they discontinued the Banana Crunch because it hit us both really hard.
Yeah. It's hard to find a platform to talk about that publicly.
Welcome, apparently, to the London Palladium.
We're sitting directly above the ashes of Bruce Forsythe.
Did you guys know this?
Because we told the audience last night and they were shocked.
The ashes of Bruce Forsythe are underneath this stage.
Yeah, and I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know what's going on.
There's a smaller one next to him that contains the ashes of the banana quince bud.
A showbiz staple.
Yeah, correction, it did contain it.
Unfortunately, you two have been down there and snaffled up the ashes.
Snorted it between us.
Hoovered it up.
I want to know about Mike's cooking quickly.
Yeah, sorry.
So you say you're not a very good cook?
I'm not why I do cook quite regularly. I'm so I've got lots of very very good cooks in my family
Yeah, so I've been spoiled so my I mean I you know, there's a family at home
There's people people to feed so I do cook but if I cook it will be
Like I will cook a piece of meat until it is definitely safe to eat
cook a piece of meat until it is definitely safe to eat. And there will be some vegetables
that are not cooked enough so that the nutritional value has
been lost.
So there'll be broccoli and carrots
that are bloody hard work to get through,
with a bit of charred fish or lamb or something like that.
So you're a fun dad, is what he's saying.
A fun dad.
All the way.
Is that your specialty?
Is that your special dish?
If you've got people coming over and it's your job to cook,
are you doing the charred meat and the hard veg?
Charred meat and hard veg.
I mean, I can manage a tuna pasta bake, a spag bol.
I've never moved past the sort of student meals.
But I mean, for example, when I left home student meals. Yeah, I mean for example when I left home the first time
I can't remember going back from so this is all in tooting. I was and I was walking home
Why not?
Some fans of not the first time people have been amused by you and tootin is it
Lovely Lovely. Lovely. Providence. And I was just walking out, yeah, to our little halls of residence and just realised that
I was hungry and kind of had this thought, I remember having this thought of, I am hungry.
What normally happens now?
And realised I had to prepare myself a meal
and went into Deepak's Mini Mark.
And I realized there was nothing stopping me from just buying
a jumbo pack of bacon.
Just cooking that and having that for tea.
Pack of bacon?
Pack of bacon.
So is that your answer to what's your speciality?
Yeah.
A block of bacon. Back of bacon.
Sometimes separated.
Sometimes just.
Sometimes it's nice when it's pink in the middle, isn't it?
Do you know how many people?
There's different ways of serving it.
In a wheelbarrow?
In a wheelbarrow.
It's a foodie crowd, you get it.
So you've convinced your children, you know,
you mentioned like cooking for your family
and doing the vegetables.
One of the things that like I found most impressive,
like anywhere in life, in the world that I've seen ever,
was that you managed to convince your children somehow
that carrots and vegetables were a delicious treat.
Your kids are orange now, aren't they?
Yeah.
I remember your wife and I picked your children up from school once.
I don't know where you were.
Hmm.
Whenever I was, I might have needed some cereal bars afterwards. This is a funny old situation, you and Mike's wife picking up their children from school.
Yeah, I was...
I was just hanging out and...
Did you know about this, Mike?
My wife's very gregarious, she's very sociable.
She likes a bit of company, do you know what I mean?
I wasn't about, I thought, I bet James is doing naffle, send him down.
Send him down to Exeter, to walk with my wife and pick my kids up.
Did you have to dress as Mike to make his children feel comfortable?
Yes, I had to put a little mustache on.
Huh, how was your day?
They don't know, they can't tell. They can't tell.
I remember walking back home and there was a little, there was a van that sold fruit and veg.
It was parked up, like an ice cream van.
Directly outside the school gates?
Yeah, it was right near there, it had loads of fruit and veg.
Sounds like a really bad paedophile.
Just completely got the wrong end of the stick. Kids love carrots. Yeah, it was right near there, it's had loads of fruit and veg. Sounds like a really bad paedophile. LAUGHTER
Just completely got the wrong end of the stick.
Kids love carrots, I think.
You'd think. Ice-kids do.
As soon as they saw the veg van, they turned to Mike's wife and went,
Mummy, please, can we have a lovely juicy carrot?
LAUGHTER
Please, Mummy?
Like, really begging? Yeah, begging. And then she went,
okay, thank you so much. And they were going home eating them like, oh, how's your
and asking each other, how's your carrot? It was so delicious, thank you for letting us have it.
You cannot achieve that without years of neglect. You really can't. It's a long game.
of neglect. It's a long game. It's only really possible in the southwest as well. Just keep them isolated from from all advertising and... Oh God, yeah, they've never heard of a
V&S, no way. It's not happening. Well we always start with still a spark and water, Mike.
Yeah. Do you have a preference? I do. Is this it? Are we in?
Yeah, well, unless you want that to be a forewarning,
and we can talk about other stuff for a bit
and come back to it.
No, I couldn't tell.
Yeah, I do have a preference.
It always goes sparkling.
Always.
If it's going at a restaurant, I don't get out much at all.
I mean, this for me is enormous.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Getting a bit of an airing.
And it's lovely.
So it's a bit of a treat, anyway.
But we're magical, right?
We're in the magical genie.
So can I upgrade sparkling to sort of fizzy lifting water?
Are we going from chocolate and chocolate factory?
Yeah, please.
Fizzy lifting water.
Because presumably, I'm just on my own in the restaurant
It's how I've always imagined. Yeah, just know what I want. Is that right if you want that if you want to be alone
Yeah, yeah
So why did why does
The fizzy lifting water directly time to the fact you're alone because you don't want anyone else to experience the fizzy lifting water
Well two reasons one this there's like I've got a bit of time to kill before you know the food comes, right?
Yeah.
So if you've got a bit of time to kill why not kill it flying?
And secondly there's obviously there's the indignity of how you dissent with the
fizzy lifting drink and I'd rather that was in private.
We all know what happens when you do things like that.
It's a mess.
Yeah.
But they burp, don't they?
Yeah, they burp.
They burp.
In the movie, they burp.
In the book, I think it's, I think in the book, even they,
I think a numper lumper dies during the testing process.
Is that correct? Do people remember that? I think an ump-a-lump-a dies during the testing process. LAUGHTER
Is that correct? Do people remember that? I'm pretty sure an ump-a-lump-a is accidentally...
They haven't got the dose right and they accidentally fire
an ump-a-lump-a into space.
LAUGHTER
I don't know why all these wokeys have edited Roald Dahl.
LAUGHTER
Kids would love that stuff.
Wow. Is that right? I may have misremembered that.
The guy's been in space and it dies.
He's, well, I think he's presumed dead.
He's...
Yeah.
He's launched...
He passes through outer orbit
and then after, I think after that
your chances are slim.
Wonka's a rich guy, isn't he?
He's not going to spend any money on trying to get that on.
Yeah, he's got a lot of overheads, doesn't he?
That's the thing.
It stacks up.
And he always gave the impression
that the Oompa Loompas were willing, but that's,
I'd quite like to see the Oompa Loompa's perspective on that situation.
Do you think it will be fun flying for the first time completely alone?
Do you think it might be more fun to fly with other people?
Your wife and children?
Yeah, yeah.
Because Charlie Bucket's with his grandpa, isn't he?
The problem is I'm quite so risk-averse generally in life
So I think if I was with my wife and children
I'd be I'd be worried about one of them sort of going off into an electricity pile on something like that. Do you know what I mean?
I'm sort of finding a way into the wrong end of a chinook and I kind of I
Think the go one night at least I just go go solo. I mean I trust my wife
and she's up to her what she's you know that's fine do you know what I mean but
it's nice to flesh out what's in your dream restaurant as well Mike we've got
electricity pylons and a Chinook flying overhead. Yeah yeah I very much imagined it on the
sort of Wiltshire sort of armaments testing grounds
Please But revolving right it is revolving. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, of course great
He wouldn't want your grandfather to
What's that? Well, he Charlie bucket has his grandfather. All right my grandfather. Well, he's long dead my friend
But this is the dream restaurant my All right, my grandfather? Well... He's long dead, my friend. Yeah, but...
But this is the dream restaurant, Mike. The dream restaurant, we can bring him back to life or...
But it's not the Necromancer's restaurant, is it?
Can be.
I'm quite happy. I mean, I'm missing, but I'm happy to let bygones be bygones.
Yeah.
That would be awful if you brought your grandad back to life and then he went immediately
into the blades of a chinook.
It's so great to see you go, BLEH!
Grandpa!
That was twice as well, that's two razor blades.
A coarse mincing and then a fine mincing immediately afterwards.
Grandpa Tata.
Slugging into the...
POPDOMS OR BREAD! POPDOMS OR BREAD!
Mike, what's the answer? POPDOMS OR BREAD!
POPDOM, please.
But I've got a request slash stipulation, if that's okay.
Absolutely.
So there was a lad at my school, I grew up in Portsmouth, can I name names?
Yes.
Or do you need to beep it out?
It's up to you.
I mean I've lost touch with him.
We can't, I will say we can't bleep it out live.
No?
In the recording, when this goes out, we can bleep it out live. No In the recording when this goes out
No, we can be bleep it out even with three of us all of these people. Do you want me to try and bleep it for you?
Yeah, please. Okay
So there's this guy called Ben Beans
Thank you, I can relax now
And I think it was him but I may have got that wrong, my memory is terrible.
But I think it was him, because he lived in Gosport, and his family were big in the curry
scene in Gosport.
How were they big in the curry scene?
Well, they ate quite a lot of curry.
Yeah. We're talking three times a month, something like that. Whoa.
That's a lot.
Yeah. And so he knew the scene.
Do you know where I made Gospels? Just across the water from Portsmouth.
Yeah, so that kind of Portsmouth's naughty little cousin.
My grandparents used to live in Hill Head. There we go. There you go. Another place. Yes.
Quite nearby, it's quite nearby. Yeah, but he told me that there was a restaurant, a curry house in Gosport, where they, I can't remember what it was called, something like,
they served, I think it was called something like the maximum poppadom.
So you wouldn't just go, oh, can we have,
how many poppadoms should we have,
or should we get four, should we get six,
all that kind of discussion.
They completely nixed that argument by,
the table you were sat at, they're all round tables,
table of four, appropriate size, two little round tables table for appropriate size to little round table
You know eight big round table the pop it on that would arrive if you ordered the maximum pop it on would be the size
of the table
Whatever table size table you're on. Yeah. Yeah, but they'd sit you appropriately was the idea
So it was a table before being that sort of size or whatever and that that would that would arrive and I hunted to this place
High and low.
I never found it.
Oh, really?
And it's only since you asked me on this
that I've been reminded of that.
And I've got a tiny, niggling suspicion
that it might have been bollocks.
It's the perfect lie. How old was the? How old was the? What was the name? bollocks
It's the perfect line how old was
His name was Ben
We would have been sort of 14 so when I was 13 That's a bit old to be lying about the popper Dom isn't it but not out of them
That's other realms of good people like I say big big current big big current family big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, buy the thing that they were big and curry cuz I mean I went around his house at least twice and at least once
They did order in curry
But they weren't ordering in the maximum pop it on where they was no wasn't a takeaway option. That'd be crazy
On the top of the car. Yeah
That's never gonna make it yeah, yeah sort of fly off fly off. I think I think we're in a sort of genie
staffed restaurant.
Perhaps we could go. I mean behind you is kind of like, I mean that's a
beyond maximum poppadom. Oh, yeah, that's yeah, that's catering size, isn't it?
That's where I'm from.
from. It's the spirit of Brucey man this is... So you would like the maximum poppadom? Yes please. Absolutely. Do you want maximum chutneys with it as well? Oh
yes please but I don't like yeah I don't know where they go because the table's full.
Do you put them on, you could put them on the maximum poppadum,
dots of different chutneys around the maximum poppadum and then like,
yeah, snap them off and work your way in.
Like in Jira, I bet.
Yeah.
That's quite nice.
Or maybe some, some sort of nozzles.
Like hamster.
Yeah, so nozzles series of hose pipes
Coming down from the ceiling. Yeah, we'll thread it through the pylons. I don't really mind how they get
Is the chin up dropping them in yeah, well maybe they could be mortared you could mortar a mango chutney onto the
Am I quite fun? Yeah
Stinger a sting or, pickle, into my gob.
So what speed are these Chutneys coming in?
Mach 3.
They're hard to break, the maximum.
So you want a bit of force to smash up the poppadom a bit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I see.
That sounds nice.
So you've got the maximum poppadom all to yourself. Please. It's, yeah. Yeah. I see. That sounds nice. So you've got the maximum pop-it-on all to yourself.
Please.
It's just you.
Okay.
Your dream starter, Mike.
This is quite tricky.
I'm going to...
I've thought about this.
I'm going to...
Could I have the...
Well...
Well...
It's sort of an invention in the way it's well it's that it's
it I'm calling it the the the the goo the goo duck and oop play what the goo
duck and new play goo duck and new play surprise I'm gonna say this good I can
say it's not I mean you're jumping off point as your Tadukken, yeah?
Which you're familiar with.
Okay, yes.
The Tadukken we know about.
Yeah?
Tadukken with chicken and a turkey.
Right.
The sort of stuffing thing.
Which I've never tried.
But I don't like turkey for me.
I can't...
You're joking.
I can't eat turkey outside of Christmas, otherwise I feel like I'm breaking a treaty.
So I would replace the turkey with a goose.
OK.
Which I think is an established thing.
Good.
Yeah.
So this is where goo duck and.
That's the goo duck and bit.
And then it's kind of, so yeah, the chicken and then
the duck and the goose.
Yeah.
And in that process, I mean, I'd probably
want some assurances from the genie way
so that that sort of stuffing process was post-mortem. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha If... For all of them, you want them all to be there? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what if it happened naturally and we found them like that?
I think that raises more questions than it answers, really.
So that happens.
And then within the initial, the sort of vanguard chicken,
the surprise, like a toy in it, please. A toy, like a toy please a toy like a kinder surprise, please I
Thought you said a toilet
That's what I'm on my own. Do you say the chicken is the vanguard? Yeah, does the chicken go in the duck?
Or does the duck go in the chicken?
chicken goes in the duck
The dust smaller than the chicken. Yes, is it Mike? Have you seen the chicken in the duck. The duck's smaller than the chicken. Yes, Mike, have you seen the chicken in a duck?
This is not... No, but it goes to her duck and doesn't it or goo duck and so I don't think it's
about size so much as will really.
Will, really. So you're saying they came up with a word first, and then they just had to force a chicken
into a duck.
I think so.
Yeah.
I think so.
Can't call it the chick duck.
Doesn't work.
And then the oof-lay bit, the goo-duck and oof-lay bit, the goo duck and oof-lay.
Goo duck and oof-lay.
Just, you know, I'd like you to souffle it, please.
OK.
So a chicken and a duck in a goose,
you would have a Kinder Surprise toy.
Yeah, it could be a little toy, a little puzzle, anything.
I don't mind.
Like a cracker.
Like a cracker.
Yeah, a tiny little Phillips screwdriver would be fine.
Is that your favourite cracker gift?
Well, you get a lot of use out of it, don't you?
Not personally.
No?
The little screwdriver.
I use the tiny screwdriver all the time.
I'm going to love imagining that.
Thing is, if I was you I would decide, I know it's meant to be a surprise,
but if I was you I wouldn would decide, I know it's meant to be a surprise. Yeah. But if I was you, I wouldn't leave it up to us,
because we're already disappointed that we didn't get
to use our necromancing earlier.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
And so.
Are you suggesting the surprise in the chicken
is going to be Mike's granddad?
Yeah.
Miniaturized, mummified?
Not miniaturized.
It's more about will than it is.
Yeah.
That's very good. OK. Mummified not miniaturized. It's more about will than it
Okay, I
Think Stanislav had the kind of grit way be up for that challenge Yeah, and you want it souffle aid on the outside like a baked Alaska
No, I just wanted to be the whole thing to be sort of magically souffle aid. What do you mean?
Well, I'm not completely sure, but I like the texture of a souffle, but I don't want
to spoil my appetite.
I've already eaten a table-sized pop-iton.
And I'm looking forward to a big main course, so I think I'd like to...
I forgot this is your starter.
Yeah.
So I'd quite like it to be made bubb made sort of bubbly and light and get the sort of, you
know, the taste and the experience.
You used to get the layers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like a layered souffle.
Yeah.
But it's goose, chicken, no, goose duck, chicken.
Please.
All the way down.
Toy.
Yeah, a toy.
Non-souffle toy.
A toy at the bottom of a souffle.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I can absolutelysouffle toy. A toy at the bottom of a souffle. Yeah. Yeah. OK.
I can absolutely make that happen for you.
Yeah?
Great.
Yeah, yeah.
Gouda souffle.
Thought so.
Are you eating the whole thing?
Yeah, yeah, because I don't know.
I'm assuming in the magical souffle process
it's going to reduce to a degree, isn't it?
Oh, that's interesting.
So I'm imagining a souffle the size of a sort of carpenter's fist.
That sort of size. Decent hand. Healthy clump.
Have you ever, when you were a doctor, did you have to study a carpenter's fist at any point?
They very rarely come in, those guys. Hale and Harty.
Just the old Nick and Callus, that's it.
So it's the platonic ideal of a fist, really.
Not a phrase I thought we'd heard tonight.
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Your dream main course, Mike.
This is quite tricky.
Oh, I bet it is.
But it does need some genie help. Oh yeah?
Be nice for you to finally use the genie in this meal, Mike.
Well, I've got a backup dish. If required, there's a backup dish.
Great.
But the main dish is I want what they're having, please.
LAUGHTER
What I mean by that is when I do, I don't go out to restaurants very often,
and I do have a nice old time, and I try and be a good boy, and I try and be...
You try and be a good boy?
I try and be a good, brave boy, and I try and, you know...
LAUGHTER
It's important to try new things, yes?
So, you know, if there's something I don't know what it is,
I'll normally give it a go, that kind of stuff.
And I'll make the order, and I think, great, OK,
we'll have a little experience, see what that is, and, you know,
we'll just, you know...
I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke, basically.
When it comes to a restaurant.
I'm quite happy to buy a pig in a poke.
A pig in a poke?
A pig in a poke.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
But I'll order.
Hang on.
Well, I just assume it's a phrase.
Well, yeah, but what?
What?
It's a well-established phrase, no?
Thank you, Mum. That's five people in 2000.
Like buying a pick and a poke.
Just repeat the phrase by all means, Mike.
So normally you don't want to buy a pig in a poke.
It's how it would normally be used.
Mike, would you not know what a pig in a poke is?
What is a pig in a poke?
Well, the pig is standard pig.
Pig is the pig.
Not your cat.
No, who's called pig.
Who's called pig, but a pig.
Yes.
And a poke, I think, was like a sort of bang or something.
So it'd be the idea of buying a pig.
So in Ye Olden times, it must have been a problem
at some stage, where pig mongers were going around the place,
door to door, and saying, do you want to buy a pig?
Yeah, I'm interested in a pig.
How much for the pig?
Fiverr.
Here you go, it's in this poke.
And then they'd give you the poke,
you know, which had some weight to it.
And you'd get in and you'd open up your poke
thinking, oh great, we've got a pig now.
That's great news.
And they'd just be, you know.
Rocks.
Rocks.
There'd be rocks, there'd be some wet straw.
A third example, please.
A broken pallet of cereal bars.
But there wouldn't have been a pig.
And the pig salesman would be long gone.
So the advice would be don't buy a pig in a pub.
It's a cautionary tale.
It would have been a cautionary tale and another cautionary
tale that eventually became
You know
But you're using the idiom to say you do want to buy a pick in a poke. I am a shilling that advice
Yeah, but you're comparing this to being in a restaurant
Yeah, and
While you're in a you will buy a pig in a poke
Yeah, so you'll order something knowing that it is not what it says it is on the menu.
And then it's a plate of wet straw.
I'm willing to take that risk, yes.
And I would also take the risk of if there was a main course
where it was just mystery poke.
Mike has pronounced poke.
OK.
OK.
Mystery bag of food. Then I'd probably go, I'll give us a mystery bag of food, please
So you're just yeah, okay, I'll get it now. You mean you'll just roll the dice
I want to be surprised. I wish to be surprised normally, but you don't to be tricked by the pigmonger
No, I mean in day-to-day life. No, but I mean I'm willing to take the risk in a restaurant setting
Yeah, I'm not gonna be presented with a plate of wet straw.
So, but the first thing you said was your main course is
you'll have what they're having.
Yes.
Even though you did specify at the beginning
that you will be alone for this meal.
No, it's true.
But the there is the bit, I want there, what there had.
What there had.
You want what there had.
I want what there had.
Because inevitably when I do order the thing, whatever the thing may be,
like enough time has passed that you can't change.
But then almost every time I go to a restaurant,
five minutes after the time has passed to change the order,
like the kitchen doors are booted open.
All of the staff have been corralled to deliver this dish to another table
and there are flames gushing from everywhere, steam, smoke, sirens,
everyone's oohing and someone breaks out into the national anthem.
It's that level of like the fuss, you know, the sort of burning griddle pans, people with special gloves.
All this kind of stuff is happening.
Trollies, things are on wheels, things are coming down from the ceiling.
Spaces, like tables are being kicked over to make enough space for this extraordinary dish.
And everyone's applauding and that's, I mean, I want that.
What's that?
Yeah. I want that. What's that?
Yeah
Please I've never had that I've never succeeded. I've never read on the menu that there's no clue on the menu that this
There will be a fanfare, you know usually for heaters
But that's not really a safe bet if you want that sort of thing Mike some for heaters in a pot or a birthday cake
Okay, so maybe it's for heaters then
You won't want that had we know that oh
They did miss possible uncle Phil does a good features
to uncle Phil from
Uncle Phil does a good for eaters. So, let's shout out to Uncle Phil there.
From Fresh Prince?
LAUGHTER
You and cousin Carlton enjoy this?
LAUGHTER
You've got quite... When you danced on, you had real Carlton energy, actually.
Yeah, you could, yeah.
That's a shame.
Well, come on, Mike, you didn't think you were Will, did you?
We all like to think that we've got a bit of Will in us,
don't we?
Didn't walk on and slap us.
LAUGHTER
Different Uncle Phil.
Different Uncle Phil. Doesn't mean for you, sir.
But, yeah, I mean, if you know what that is, if it's not Vitas,
if it's more interesting... I mean, the full...
I'd be quite happy to just have a Lancashire hotpot
with a sparker in it
But you want that presentation you want that presentation. Yeah, and again, it's not I don't want this sort of I mean
I don't have to have the reaction. Yeah, cuz I'm on my own. That's fine. I'm not I'm not trying to sort of you know
So draw attention. I just want just once I want to experience that my god. Here it comes moment
I want there to be the genuine
jeopardy that I could burn myself to the point where I'm unrecognizable just from
the delivery of the of the dish just from judging it wrong just from trying
to clear that mustard pot out of the way to be helpful and yeah just being sort
of seared stuck to the side of a four-foot griddle pan, you know, becoming part of the dish,
do you know what I mean? I want that chance, you know, for someone to have a, you know,
scrape off a crispy Mike skin and tell me what it was like later.
It is definitely fajitas that you're talking about.
Is it fajitas? It is fajitas.
100% can't be anything else at this point.
Uncle Phil's fajitas then, please.
Where's Uncle Phil's? What's that? Where's Uncle Phil's? What is Uncle Phil's for eaters then, please. Where's Uncle Phil's? What's that?
Where's Uncle Phil's?
What is Uncle Phil's?
That's quite hard to answer.
Hang on, is it a restaurant or is it your Uncle Phil?
Neither.
But it is a man.
It is my brother-in-law.
Your brother-in-law.
And you call your brother-in-law Uncle Phil?
Been known to. Sometimes we squish that into a It is a it's my it's my brother-in-law your brother-in-law and you call your brother-in-law uncle Phil
been known to
Sometimes we squish that into funkle for a bit of fun
He is fun guy
So when when funkle does his fajitas is there the fanfare does he bring them out on the sizzling platter?
There will there will be sizzle. I don't know There's not there know. It's not the level of sizzle and flames and all that stuff
that I'm after.
He will be more likely to compensate
with the visual fanfare with some choice swearing.
Ha ha ha ha.
It's a fun one.
So there is.
It's an event.
It's definitely an event.
Yeah. But it's not kicking through the swing doors kind of I get what you mean
You what you know, you're anticipating it when a fun call brings it out, you know that they're coming out
Yeah, this is what we're doing for heaters tonight. Yeah, yeah
Yeah, and then like and then like when you're in the
It's really...
It might work for the guys up there, maybe, if it's sort of...
Depending on the sound trajectory.
But you want to be in, not expecting it, you're in a restaurant, you hear it,
and then you see it and you get jealous.
Do you want the Chinook pilot to be looking over and being like, what's he got?
I want the Chinook pilot to be on standby, because he needs to be looking over and being like, what's he got? I want the Chinook pilot to be on standby, because he needs to be, the whole Chinook crew,
they need to be carrying a sort of 18,000 litre vat of water
over the top of the restaurant in case of a catastrophe.
In case you get stuck to the griddle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you do get stuck to the griddle,
are you going to carry on with the rest of the meal?
Because you seem quite excited by the notion of, I believe your phrase was becoming part of the dish.
Yeah, I carry on absolutely regardless.
If you became part of the dish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you said you had a backup dish. I'm very happy with it.
Langaise hotpot with sparkler in it.
Please.
Is that the backup dish?
That's the backup dish, yeah.
Lovely. Yeah, a couple of sparklers.
Get some offal going.
Position a sparkler in a Lancashire hot pot.
Is that fairly solid?
In my mind, it's not.
I think the potato layer.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think, yeah,
the potato layer is going to handle that.
And beneath the potato layer, you've
got hopefully a very, very dense, thick collection
of lambs, kidneys, other bits of lamb, miscellaneous lamb,
with an adhesive gravy.
And I think that's going to plant very nicely in that,
I think.
I think you could even put a few in,
and some of them could even be a sconce and you'd be okay. Yeah, I
Think so because there's so much awful in there
Yeah, the chances of a sparkler going through and not hitting a bit of awful before it hits the bottom of slim, aren't they?
Yeah, I think you know, I think a kidney be quite a good little anchor for the ballast. Yeah, I think so
Yeah, the thing is with sparklers once they've gone out. Yeah, you still can't approach it. Can you?
What then I we shouldn't go back
Okay, why hang on? Well, hang on can I well then I'll request maybe the genie brings the language hot pot with sparklers and
As well as an iron fork. Can I have some sort of gauntlet, please?
Yes, to remove the yeah. Yeah, what do you mean James? Well, you should never go back to As well as an iron fork, can I have some sort of gauntlet, please? Yes.
To remove the, yeah.
What do you mean, James?
Well, you should never go back to a sparkler once it's been lit.
I believe the phrase is, don't go back to a lit firework.
I don't think sparklers count.
Yeah.
No, you should never go back to them.
In Kettering, all the recreational grounds are just covered in layer upon layer of abandoned sparklers. It's all metal parks now isn't it? Yeah.
You can't go in. Yeah. Never go back to a lit sparkler. We'll never go back to the lit sparkler.
How do you hold it? Aren't you supposed to light a sparkler and then hold it? Are you
just lighting the sparkler and then immediately throwing it away? Yeah that's
when it becomes dangerous. It's all fine. If someone lights it and then you've got to
let go and run
And never go back to it. Yeah, I
Like the fajitas choice my okay This lovely choice is what it turned out to be but there are other things
I mean is that is that there's nothing else you recognize is that because you eat out a lot don't you too is there?
Nothing that I recognize from your exact description
Maybe like a dish where like in a fancy restaurant,
they might bring it and there's a cloche.
There's a cloche or a glass dome or something like that.
And they'll, together, all of the waiters will do this.
And then they'll whip the cloche off,
and there's smoke, smoke billows.
So it's like backdraft.
Is it?
It's backdraft.
Sucks in the oxygen and then explodes.
They'll normally pipe in smoke in the kitchen.
Some sort of like woody smoke.
And then they'll lift it up and the smoke dissipates and makes absolutely no difference to the flavour of the dish.
You know what I enjoyed just then, Mike?
Was watching you listen to Ed describe something that is actually real
As if what Ed was saying was fucking bonkers
Sorry, you're saying that is real?
That's a real thing
Yeah, is that a real thing?
Yes
Why?
Well for that theatre that you're talking about
That you enjoy
That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
That sort of thing I don't know, that seems a. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? That sort of thing.
I don't know, that seems a bit sneaky to me.
What's sneaky about that?
Because I don't think I want to be delivered a closh of smoke.
LAUGHTER
There's other food in there.
They're not going like, enjoy your dinner.
LAUGHTER
Fuck you, it's just smoke! Okay.
There's other food, there's food in there.
And the smoke's been piped in and it's just like a magical way of presenting it.
So the smoke can affect the flavour sometimes?
The smoke can affect the flavour sometimes, yeah.
It's normally just for showmanship.
It would be bad if I agreed.
I think I want the journey, I think I want to see them coming.
Yeah.
That feels like an ambush, right?
Do you mean I want to see that? Yeah, I want to see the whites of their eyes. I don't know. It's not the right phrase
Yeah, it's quite a sort of
Military meal generally so far, isn't it? It's turning out that way, isn't it?
worried that the chinook person
It's turning out that way isn't it?
worried that the chinook person
When someone suddenly burst out the kitchen is basically attacking you might some old training might kick in
It's a risk isn't it? I was being attacked was actually just being served some faces and
Very badly damaged Chinook pilots attacked one of the waiters
You know spit chat, isn't it?
That's a good chat fuel.
RIP Uncle Phil.
RIP Uncle Phil.
Your dream side dish, Mike?
Alphabites, please.
LAUGHTER
A lot of fans of alphabites, then.
Never allowed them.
To this day?
Well, still never quite dared to pick them out of the
old freezer. It was deeply ingrained. Yeah. Taboo. So, yeah, I think this is tonight's the night.
So I've never had alphabites either, but I never requested them. Are they potato? Yeah, yeah.
Basically, chipsy alphabet shaped...
I've never had them either.
Have you not? No. Who's had Alphabites?
They're not as good chips.
They're not as good chips?
They're shit.
Pretty adamant.
I didn't think it was that sort of gig, but...
Our listeners get pretty rowdy, Mike., especially when it comes to alpha bites turns out. Yeah, I do apologize
But I'm gonna stick to my guns
Would you spell some things out with the alpha bites before you ate them? Would you have fun with them?
Or do you think there's great fun to be had isn't there? Yeah, yeah, absolutely
What sort of things would you spell? Yeah, maybe some rude words. Yeah, go on go on
Would you spell it out one letter at a time so we can Go on. Go on. Would you like to spell it out one letter at a time, so we can visualise it on the plate?
Would you want to beep it out?
Letter by letter?
Like, uh, bum.
Beep.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, there's options.
Would you start with bum, would you?
Start with bum, work my way up.
Every so often, Mike, I remember that you're having this meal alone. Bum.
Looking around.
Dead waiter on the floor.
Looking around with his one good eye.
The rest of his...
Bum.
Chinook helicopter pilot having a panic attack in the corner. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Big time. If it's the, well, is it for heaters?
For heaters was the other choice. I think uncle Phil's for heaters. It's what they're having. Yeah, that's oh, yeah, what what they're having.
Probably risk popping the letter C in a bit of quack.
See what happens.
Is that the best to death whip to reckon the letter C? Wack See what happens
I think so cuz you gotta you gotta you gonna you gotta go hook with it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah
Do you think in the alphabites because none of us have had them Do you think they include the letter L or is that just too similar to a chip?
The lowercase L. Yeah, lowercase L. These are capitals you mad. These are the case capitals
I've never had them Lowercase L. Yeah. Lowercase L. These are capitals. Are you mad? These are capitals.
I've never had them.
How in the name of God are they going to do a lowercase i?
They just chuck it all in.
Madness.
Madness.
He got you mad.
You've been burned.
I'm happy to learn.
You just got burnt by Wozniak at the Palladium.
I got burned by the most burned man burnt. I'm happy to learn. You just got burnt by Wasniak at the Palladium, baby.
I got burnt by the most burned man we've ever had on the podcast.
Well, I guess same question with a cap at a lie, right?
Yeah.
Does that just look like a normal chip?
Or are they putting those bits at the top and bottom?
Oh yeah, they're putting the bits on.
Fucking do it, Mike.
He thought it was just going to be a straight eye.
Fucking have him.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm trying to help you.
It's going to be like that, isn't it?
Fucking idiot.
Look at this cunt.
Beep.
He's just going to some bad fonts.
Do you know what I mean?
That's all it's...
It's not his fault.
Wrong crowd, wrong fonts.
Yeah.
He didn't know any better.
So it doesn't bother you that they're shit apparently?
No, I don't mind eating shit from time to time.
I think there's sometimes sort of great comfort from eating total crap.
And I think in a way I'd be, the fact that they've been sort of,
well for want of a better term, a lust object.
No, there are better terms.
Yeah.
I think we can definitely find better terms.
I'm sure that the latter O is feeling nervous right about now.
Yeah.
It's more a matter of will, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, he will.
I think there's something fundamentally wrong with them.
I think that feels, yeah, it'll feel like it's a vice.
It'll feel all the more exciting if they're a bit of work.
If they need a lot of sour cream or guac or...
If I've got to reactivate the nozzles from earlier on and...
If I'm firing everything at it... Yeah.
Then I'll be like, OK, Mum, you were right.
Are you going to rub it in your parents' faces that you're eating them?
Are you going to be like...
No, they've got enough on their plate.
I mean, they worry enough.
Sure, I mean.
Where do you stand on Potato Smiley's?
Because they're essentially the same thing, I guess, right?
Yes.
For reasons that aren't clear to me,
I realize now they didn't cross the line of the sort
of forbidden potato products line.
So you used to have potatoes, Miley's?
Rarely, but it did come up.
So your parents, if anything, were?
I'm wondering why they were allowed,
whereas the letters were obscene. Well, they're less time consuming.
The letters are going to get distracted.
You start spelling words, doing stuff.
The smiley faces, once you've seen one, that's it, isn't it?
Yeah, surely parents should be encouraging literacy,
shouldn't they?
That's true.
Unless, yeah, I can't really think
what the scenario would be.
I mean, yeah, if there was a necromancy-based restaurant,
yes, then you don't want people able to conjure certain letters.
And you don't want to be able to Ouija board your side plate, do you?
Potato smiley Ouija board.
Yeah, but that wasn't happening.
So I don't know. I don't know what the explanation is.
But yeah, but I'm on with Todd, so I think I'll go for the letters.
A bit more diverting.
One of every letter?
No, I think I'm going to want a few spare vowels.
Please.
Yeah.
I'm happy to go with just one of J, X, Y, and so on.
Because I think I'm going to want to bananagram it
at some point.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't want to rush the evening.
And I'm hoping because it is the genie element. They're not gonna go cold
No, you can serve on a hot plate the very least can you and another hot plate well
Got previous I mean do you want me to sit this course out and make sure Riley can serve these to you
you can ask for
Consonants and vowels to ask and then
I stick with the genie I'll stick with the genie you know why the also come on
man vaudevon every time sorry of course vaudevon you know getting vaudevon in
for this yeah all right well vaudevon it well the option the option of vaudevon
if I'm feeling tasty if I'm on good form with the letters, then we can conjure Vorderman to throw down the gauntlet, but otherwise, yeah, I think I'll just carry on,
just playing with the hot salty fat.
Your dream drink, Mike.
That's tricky. Well, it depends. This depends again.
What did we settle on? Did we settle on that we weren't on the griddle?
If it was the back- backup Lancashire hot pot?
I'd go for a pint of old thumper
No
They're not allowed. I'm not shaking my head because you can't have it
I'm shaking my head because I've never heard of a pint of old thumper
Oh, right, and it sounds like the sort of thing you would make up. We're now in a world where we accept these things
Yeah, it's a start of the gig. I was questioning stuff like picking a poke
Yeah, and now I'm just accepting that a pint of old thumper is a thing
Ringwood breweries. Yes
I think it was the first kind of pint of bitter that I had really in the little pub
We used to go to where in that era when you're trying to get served all that kind of yeah stuff
People were going for ales because they thought it seemed more convincing
that they were older.
That thing, yeah?
Yeah.
They wanted the ice cold lager, but they're like,
I'll have a pint of the old one, because they
thought it was incredible, therefore,
that they were 52 years old.
Yeah.
Didn't need to be ID.
Wearing a cardigan, going in.
Yeah.
On the few occasions we were served, everyone else
would be like, ah! Trying to get through in. Yeah. On the few occasions we were served everyone else would be like
trying to get through it. Yeah. I was sitting there going I think this is delicious.
And I think even as a sort of 17 year old boy I didn't realize at the time, I realized now I was already inhabited by the the spirit of a middle-aged man. Yeah. So that's, and it would go very well with the hot pot,
if that's happening.
I mean, if it's the Flambe spectacular,
just give me an Ouzo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah. Taste of holiday, isn't it? Uzo? It is. Yeah, I guess so.
Very specific.
I've never had it.
No?
No.
I remember the Insane Clown Posse used to drink it.
Did they?
That's all I know about Uzo.
Don't they have their own drink, though, the Insane Clown Posse?
Maybe now, but.
Called Faygo.
What is that?
It's their own?
What is it?
Juggalo in the audience saying yes.
What is it? It's like pure the audience saying yes. What is it?
It's like pure sugary filth.
I think it's a very, very sugary alcoholic drink.
It's called Faygo. Do you know the Insane Clown Posse, Mike?
Yeah.
I'd be very surprised if you did, to be honest.
I can't imagine you and the posse ever crossing paths.
What kind of act are we talking?
Guess. Guess what the Insane Clown posse is.
I'm going to say Neo-Folk Punk Fusion.
Electric Accordion.
They probably do that, no?
They're a white rap group, but they paint their faces
like evil clowns.
And all of their fans are called juggalos and they just get
quite drunk and violent.
They don't drink, as far as I'm aware, ouzo.
Well, that's what I knew about them when I was a teenager.
I read an interview with the Insane Clown Posse and they said that they drank ouzo a
lot.
Okay.
And then I was quite surprised when I was older and they released a song about how lovely miracles are and how they believe in God
Yeah, they had a swerve later on in their career. That's how I guess about all the it's a rap about all
Still doing the fancy dress rap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but rapping about how amazing all the things in the world are
It's like a lovely bunch of boys. Yeah
It's a really funny song. Yeah.
Yeah.
They say how they see miracles every day.
It's really good.
They're like the miracle of a rainbow and stuff.
Oh, those are miracles.
No, they're not.
You know about ouzo?
Apparently, ouzo, when you drink it,
it crystallizes in your stomach. So the next day when you drink it, it crystallizes in your stomach,
so the next day you drink water and it re-dilutes it and you get drunk again the next day.
Definitely bollocks.
What's the name of the boy who told you that?
Why is that bollocks, Mike?
Because it's just absolutely iron-clad bollocks.
It's not just going toclad bollocks.
It's not just going to sit in your... How's it going to do that?
You're in a state of constant sloughing.
What?
Beg your pardon, speak for yourself, Malcolm.
A state of constant sloughing?
Yeah.
Is that another beer?
Boiling away.
Roiling acids and...
And sloughed linings.
Doesn't stand a chance. Sloughed linings. Doesn't stand a chance.
Sloughed linings?
Yeah.
Never felt more uncomfortable about my own body ever.
Yeah.
I could have broken that one gently, couldn't I?
How was your bedside manner when you were a doctor?
Well, I did have to leave the profession.
You kept on bringing up sloughing every time people came in.
Wasn't appropriate. Yeah.
This is difficult now,
cos I want you to have the Pines of Old Thumper.
Yeah. But that would mean you'd have to have the Lancashire hot pot
and I want you to have what they're having.
Well, let's... OK, I'll have...
Well, let's settle. I'll lock it in.
I'll have what they're having and I'll risk...
..sinking it down with a little ouzo despite the naked flames. Do you want the insane clown posse to be with you drinking the ouzo?
I'm happy for them to be coming through the speakers.
That sounds unfriendly, doesn't it? And you have described, they do sound like a lovely group of boys.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm being very selfish yeah they can they can join me
for the main course it's yeah it's a group it's a group it's a group meal
isn't it what we're talking about that amount of smoke you can't eat that on
your own you can't have faith it's gonna be poppadom left over yeah bring them in
bring them in bring it yeah actually it would blow their mind because they love
miracles yeah if they came in yeah they see the giant poppadom they see you
fizzy lifting drink flying around the air
You've somehow got a chicken in a duck. Yeah, so revolving. They're gonna be like so many miracles
Yeah, yeah, one of them is bound to need a mini screwdriver. Yeah, I
Do feel like you should have a pint of old thumper though because it was a lovely story
We get in a pint of old thumper as well. We arrived at your dream dessert Mike
Very exciting. I'm kind of anticipating more genie magic here. Am I right?
For pudding please because I have I would like well it goes it goes by many names, okay
But some people would call it the piece of shame.
Some people.
Yep.
Some people would call it the decency slice.
Are you familiar with this, any of you?
One person.
I think the Germans would call it the das Anandstuck, something like that.
Dutch, something very similar.
I think in the Philippines it's the piece of shame.
It's the last bit of cake.
We're all very relieved that that's what they call it in the Philippines.
It's the last bit of cake or whatever it is.
It's the last bit on the table,
on the plates, whatever it may be.
Everyone wants, but no one, you know, it feels shameful to.
Like it has a name.
We don't have that here, a name for it,
but there are many nations where they have a name for it
because it's a thing.
Because it's so alluring.
And I understand that allure.
Yeah.
And because I can be quite buttoned up, unless I've had a bit too much post-crystallized
ouzo, I will never go for the piece of shame.
And I just want, just once, just once.
I don't mind what it is particularly.
It could be any kind of...
It will require the genie to take the revolving restaurant somewhere where, I mean it's a bit intrusive, it does require us to sort of
track the beam out someone's cake from a sort of family occasion, anniversary, wedding, something.
Yeah. If we could do that discreetly, I don't think that's a job for the chinook. I think that's one for the genie. Yeah.
I can do that.
I mean, is it, is that, so there's
the shame in this sense coming from the fact
that you've tried to beamed it away from a family.
Because obviously, it's not, if there's not people around,
then there's not the shame of taking that last.
It needs to be active.
It can't be, the event still needs to be ongoing.
Yeah.
Right.
For the piece of shame to be, have its allure, there needs to be people, it can't be, the event still needs to be ongoing. Yeah. Right, for the piece of shame to be habits allure,
there needs to be people almost hovering around,
kind of licking their lips.
Do that again?
Sort of like this.
Sort of stalking it a little bit,
sort of maybe sort of approaching it,
and then noticing that Uncle Dilbert's also sort of stalking
it, and then Marjorie's also interested,
and you know, Cathy's picking off a couple of crumbs here
and there.
So we're not just bringing the cake in from another occasion.
We're bringing some of the guests as well.
The guests are pivotal.
We need to see the guests.
I don't want to intrude.
But you need to intrude for this to be
the piece of shame don't you? Yeah okay so well the restaurant we backtrack a little bit then so the
restaurant is gonna need to be in a sort of mobile sort of translucent orb. That's alright? Yeah.
Yeah. Quick and retrofit that., absolutely. Sort of glass bottomed.
We then need to be able to see through the roof
and the ceiling and whichever bedrooms or bathrooms
are sort of impeding the view into the kitchen or the dining
area.
You're sort of floating over a village.
Floating over a village.
This is like-
You're sort of in a glass elevator, really. Yeah. So back to Wonka. Floating over a village. This is like. It's sort of an in-glass elevator, really.
Yeah.
So back to Wanker.
Wanker again, yeah.
Also a bit giant peachy.
Yeah.
Bit giant peachy.
Very dull.
The whole thing's very dull.
And we need to, yeah, we need to be able to sort of, yeah,
sort of see in, yeah, we need to make that.
I mean, it'd be ideal to be able to,
I don't want to sort of blast a hole through these people's,
like they've worked hard for that house.
Do you know what I mean?
It's important to bear in mind.
And getting labourers out to fix it.
Some of them might be waiting for months.
They'd be having a sort of bit of tarp over the roof
and it's not going to do in this weather.
Do you know what house you're going to,
or are you just floating over a village
hoping that some people are eating a cake and there's one slice left?
The second one.
Cause we could make it easier for you,
cause you're getting tied up in that they've worked hard
for the house.
But we could choose like a horrible family,
who you won't feel bad about doing this.
But then it's not a piece of shame.
No, exactly.
Then it's not shameful.
What is that?
They have to be good people. It's not a piece of retribution. Yeah. Yeah, they've got to be the best people, okay?
The they've got to be abs absolute salt of the bloody earth these guys
So when we find the house, yeah, or the church hall or whatever. Yeah, that is happening say wedding
I think the wedding was the wedding's quite good. Yeah, I got a wedding cake sure so there's one slice of wedding cake left. Yeah, although no because they're gonna want to freeze that no it can't be wedding cake
Sorry, that's probably the only one that yeah funeral
Do you funeral cake
What was your funeral cake like I'm trying to think of that
What was their funeral cake like is there a funeral cake? of that. What was their funeral cake like? Is there a funeral cake?
I don't think so. It's not a thing, is it?
I'm going to wake, maybe wake cake.
Christening cake.
Christening again is complicated, isn't it?
Let's say, let's say, Ruby anniversary.
You can always find one of them.
Yeah.
How many years is that, Ruby?
50?
40.
40.
Even easier.
Even easier, yeah.
What's 50?
Silver?
Gold?
So you're floating over a Ruby anniversary in a village.
And you can see through the roof of the venue.
And they got married young.
I don't want to be taking off a couple of like
Nonagenarians or anything like that. Yeah, so they're 60 maybe
Yeah, if that late 50s, maybe we might be talking about some
Gretna Green job here. Yeah
But a great the green wedding. Yeah
So they eloped to Gretna Green got married, and now they're late 50s.
So they're quite fun these guys.
And it's worked.
They proved everyone wrong.
It's an absolute triumph.
It's lovely, lovely really.
It's a lovely story.
Yeah, it's a great story.
And there's one slice of cake left at the Ruby anniversary.
And I bet I'm going to say they are not expecting what's about to happen next
And the things about those two they plan everything very carefully
Yeah, and they they feel that they are people that expect the unexpected but this
This is coming from from the blind spot
So you now I'm just trying to imagine how then you go about this heist. Yeah, yeah. Are you being teleported from the orb into the event?
No, I'm going to stay in the orb.
Right.
But the orb is going to sort of beam it through the house, first of all, so that we can see
what's going on, and then it's going to tractor beam suck up the last bit of cake.
The only person who is going to witness that is the 10-year-old grandson who everyone will
think is lying.
Yes.
Thus making it the perfect crime.
But does that make it the piece of shame?
If no one else sees you do it, surely the piece of shame.
They don't have to see it.
They just want it.
They want it.
They all want it.
So it's the shame all on you.
It's all internal shame.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's internal shame, okay.
It's internal shame which brings out the acidity of the blueberry, I don't know,
ganache, apricot, cheesecake,
apricot cheesecake.
Crunch of the frie and the...
and so on.
I'm going to read your menu back to you now,
so you can feel about it.
Is there anything else you want to add, Mike, before we read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Is there anything else you want to add, Mike, before we read your menu back to you?
No, I think I'm gonna be absolutely stuffed after that, thank you.
Enjoy reading this one back, James?
Yep.
There's not an iPad in here.
James had a little problem with the iPad in Glasgow
and accidentally loaded up a Lewis Capaldi video on YouTube.
I don't know how he managed it.
When in Rome?
You would like fizzy lift in water.
Please.
You would like the maximum poppadom with maximum chutneys.
You would like a goo duck and au filet with a toy.
You want what they're had
Good good good duck and oofley surprise. The thing would be quite yeah, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, but you're right. Yeah a big pardon apologies
What they're had brackets uncle Phil's for heaters as it turns out Blankeshir hot pot with a sparkler
Alphabites, please Uzo and a pint of old Fumper Peters, back at Lancashire hot pot with a sparkler. Alpha Bites.
Please.
Uzo and a pint of Old Thumper.
Dessert, The Piece of Shame.
Thank you.
The off-menu menu of Mike Wozniak.
Thank you.
Once more for the brilliant Mike Wozniak.
Thank you.
Mike Wozniak. Thank you very much for coming!
Bye bye!
Well there we go, the lovely Mike. Mike was fantastic. Magic Mike. Yes, a lot of magic
got used to that. We should have called him Magic Mike. But if we do that live, they're
going to start demanding that he does a strip tease. And you know what? He'd do it. He'd
do it. So we're lucky in a way that that didn't happen. Do listen to Mike's podcast, Three
Bean Salad, wherever you listen to your podcast. It is fantastic
And it's an L wicks as well and sent out works as well
I think that stopped but like yeah go back and listen to all those episodes do with three bean salad
I would say really ration out if you'd never listen to it before
Ration it out because I listened to five in a day once and my brain went really bendy
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can happen. Yeah, yeah. It's very dense podcast. There's
a lot of stuff going on in there. Yeah. I like it. Oh, and there's not much. No, really.
There's a lot. It's baggy. Yeah. Mike, Henry and Ben. They're great, great guys, but there's
just a lot going on. Yeah. Yeah. We've all three of them. There's more beans than three.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of beans knocking around. Or one bean between the three of them.
Bye! This is the first radio ad you can smell.
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Hi, I'm Lucy Beaubont.
And guess what?
I'm Lucy Beaumont. And guess what? I'm Sam Campbell.
If you enjoy, well, there's another podcast just coming out.
The podcast is out now.
Yeah.
If people have enjoyed Off Menu, will they enjoy Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains?
I don't know.
There's a bit of a crossover.
We talk about maybe, you know, a couple of food issues. We talk about cutlery
and that's near food. We reckon it's out now. Not soon, it's now. Is it on all the platforms?
Oh, it absolutely is. If you like James and if you love Head, you might get a kick out of this.
But yeah, again, no pressure. But yeah, this one is coming. This one's out now.
Lucy and Sam's Perfect Braids.