Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 243: Joe Wilkinson (Live in Brighton)
Episode Date: April 20, 2024Despite wanting to go home, Joe Wilkinson showed up for his table at the Dream Restaurant, live in Brighton. Listen to Joe’s podcast Chatabix with David Earl wherever you listen to podcasts and foll...ow Chatabix on Instagram @chatabixpodcast Joe’s book ‘My Autobiography’ is out now. Buy it here. Follow Joe on Instagram @gillinghamjoe Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Brighton Dome.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're currently listening to.
I am on tour now. The show is called Hot Diggity Dog. Make sure you go and get yourself a ticket.
I'm probably coming to a town near you if you live in the UK and Ireland and Ireland,
Dublin and Belfast. Do go to Edgamble.co.uk, buy yourself a ticket and I'll see you for
an evening of Hot Diggity Dog.
Hot Diggity Dog!
Thank you, James. until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.
Well, just let me check this little calendar I've got. Oh my god, it's Saturday! Brighton Dome! Bonus! It's The Brighton Show,
our one night residency at The Brighton Dome with our fantastic special guest, Joe Wilkinson,
live off Menu Tour Show. Can't wait to put this one out. Love this one. Yeah, this is, I mean,
what's nice about the, or any of our episodes actually, we're very lucky to do this podcast
and just have so many different guests bring different energies to the podcast and the
live episodes were no exception and it was fun to see how in front of a live audience different
energies changed the whole feel of the room. This audience really delighted in how much Joe loves
how much Joe loves the, I'd say the shitter things in life.
Yes, absolutely. I think his menu was simultaneously surprising
and not surprising at all.
So let's enjoy listening to that.
The secret ingredient as suggested by the audience
was 42 calipos.
Yeah, and hey, if you know, you know.
If you know, you know, is something he did on Taskmaster.
Yeah, so if you don't know, you also know now.
Yeah.
It's the Off Menu Menu live in Brighton of Joe Wilkinson.
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the crumble of conversation.
Getting another little crumble of humor getting another
little crumble of friendship savory and sweet and selling them to you the
listeners from our Benedict's crumble hatch
we're gonna when we put these episodes out that we're not putting the first half out,
so the people listening to this are going to be fucking confused right now.
That's for us. That's a joke for us.
That is a gamble. My name is James A. Castle.
Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invite in a guest,
and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course,
dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.
And this week our guest is is Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING
Very excited to have Joe on the podcast.
It's been a long time coming.
I'm glad we could do it live in Brighton with Joe.
In fact, on your dream menus,
in the anything else you'd like to tell us section,
someone had written,
when's Joe Wilkinson doing an episode?
So, whoever wrote that is gonna have the fucking evening of their lives.
We'll make your wish come true.
Wish the yesterday, Jeannie.
And you all know what the secret ingredient is,
so keep that in your head just in case Joe says it.
I don't think he's gonna, but...
Who knows? He might do.
This is the off-menu menu of Joe Wilkinson.
Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What are you doing, James?
James?
James?
LAUGHTER What you doing James? James? James?
Now, Joe obviously James is a genie in this
So what's that thing? Oh, that's the pot is it? The pot? Yeah, that's it. Pot. That's the traditional Yeah, the genie, like a genie in a pot
What is the word?
What do you reckon it is?
I'll stay with pot.
We're going with pot, the genies in the pot.
Now obviously to get the genie, how do you, how did you?
Lantern.
Yeah.
I said yes halfway through that word.
And then it took a swerve to turn, didn't it?
In Genie Lord, you remember, because you
think it's called a pot, I'm going to say,
do you know how they get the genie out of the pot?
Kick it.
You tantalise the end.
Yes.
Would you like to tantalise the end live for us
to get the genie out of the pot.
Welcome Joe Wilkinson to the G.E.M.E Oh, I don't like that.
There we are.
There's the genie out of the pot, finally.
The pot!
I couldn't believe it. I got it in the end.
No, you didn't.
He said, lantern.
He's lantern, isn't he?
No.
Oh, yeah, lamp. Yeah.
I thought I had... That's concerning. It was hard, this pod, wasn't it? Oh, yeah lamp yeah
That's concern it's all this poll, don't it?
When we were off stage just then Joe just before the show started I said have fun out there Joe I said let's say that's a guess sometimes and you went I don't have fun. I'm 48
And then you said and then you said I want to go home
But you wouldn't let me. Joe. Yeah.
Did someone once have to do the Heimlich on you because...
You choked on some beetroot.
Sorry, beetroot? No.
No.
Yes, they did. That man is like, this is, it's not the man, we're giving him a wave. No Yes
That man is that this is it's not the man we give me a wave this is that that's not the man
Yeah, he saved my life. He didn't save your life
He didn't save your life his friend Karrosh. Yeah. Yeah, where's Karrosh? He's in my I could tell you I've got his phone number
Is he in? So you exchanged no, he's not in. So you exchanged numbers after?
I could phone him.
Yeah.
He saved your life?
Yeah.
Can we get a bit of background on the story
before you phone him?
Yeah.
It's going to be a bit of a weird phone call
if we don't know anything about it.
Where were you?
I was there.
I was in my house.
And I was there.
What?
Hang on. I'm glad we got some more background on this story.
What are you talking about? You're in your house.
I'm always in my house. What do you mean?
Yeah, but... OK, keep telling the story.
Why is me being in my house weird?
Because you choked on beetroot and then a man,
who I presume you didn't know before, called Karrosh,
saved your fucking life.
Yeah.
I hardly ever look in the spare room to be fair
but that day I happened to pop in there and there he was um no what happened I
was I was cooking and as I was cooking I like to eat beetroot. Okay, pause before we carry on.
Okay, there's a lot of pausing and asking.
Because the details are weirder than you think.
Okay, okay.
Why is it beetroot, your snack of choice when you're cooking?
Some people drink red wine when they're cooking.
You eat beetroot.
Slices of beetroot.
Preferably crinkle cut.
Well, that turned out to be your downfall on this day,
didn't it?
Oh, yeah, we'll get there.
And I am, because when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry.
Yeah.
That's unique, yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know, I've listened to your pod and I don't know.
Some people do that as well.
They cook when they're hungry.
Paul Rudd.
Yeah.
That's really nice to follow that little what?
Shouty.
So, I was eating beetroot and quickly because I love the stuff.
And it suckered itself into my throat.
It went poof.
And I could no longer breathe.
So I ran out into my garden.
I looked at my other half and I thought, she's not going to help.
Because she was, she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time.
And I thought, I doubt she'd put that down.
Yeah, do you remember what the book was?
I think it was a Jackie Collins, but I couldn't be sure
Was it Petra she's in she like me so much so I thought what do I do and I went a bit matrix
I was I started to think for the first time in my life
That's what you call going a bit matrix yeah, I thought you knew the appropriate term for a lamp.
Tapped into something higher than myself here.
Yeah.
And I picked up the pace.
It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway.
And I ran outside and...
So you went into the garden, looked at your partner,
ran back inside again, and out the front door.
Yeah.
And you got like just red just pouring down your beard I'd imagine.
Well it wasn't because I'm very, because I've eaten a lot of beetroot on that. I tend to be good at it.
Yeah it's just this one time wasn't it it? Yeah, this is a one off.
To be fair, there was not a drop on me.
So I ran out.
This is in Covid as well, so no one was about.
So I thought, it's probably not the best idea.
But Maiti had broken all the rules and was out.
And I was like, you can save my life but I'm
not happy about it and I reported him later. He got four months and I was he
was a big lad, he's a big lad, isn't he? He's a big lad. He's about six, well, very strong muscular arms if I remember right.
And I was pointing at my throat and he went and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here.
And then I remember him saying, I can't do the Heimlich and I I was, well, you're going to have to learn.
So we both googled.
He had better 5G than me.
And then he just picked me up like a rag doll.
And then shook me.
And then it shot out and hit the side of a car. LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I wasn't expecting to tell that.
LAUGHTER
Is this how the pod should start?
And then you exchanged numbers after that?
Yes, I've got him down in my phone as Life Saver.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I know. What a guy I am.
Do you...? Oh, him, I meant. What a guy I am. Do you...
Oh him, I meant.
Call him!
Call him?
Yes!
Nah.
Do you chat much with Life Saver?
Not as much as I should.
Every time you're eating some beetroot, take a selfie of yourself.
Guess what? I hope you're nearby!
Yeah, I've got him as my emergency number now
I swapped him for my wife
Yeah, so yeah that happened that's weird you still eat beetroot yeah
Someone told me I was talking to my neighbor about it the following day and I was telling her
And she said oh I have a friend of hers and she had problems eating
for like months, she had to go have therapy about it.
I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes.
To the point my wife and my missus like,
Christ, you don't learn.
So yeah, now I'm fine. I still look like a pig.
You'll be pleased to know. Sorry, I'm too low in my chair. That's crass.
Sorry.
A lot of people. It's overwhelming.
Hello, Joe.
Hi, Joe.
You're the genie.
Huh?
You're the genie.
Yes.
Yeah. Ooh. Yeah.
Ooh.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
I just...
Okay.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Now I just remembered...
Something just happened?
Yes.
Now I just remembered you jumping out again.
Yes.
Yeah, that happened.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I've killed the energy as well.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
No, no, no, no.
Everyone's just trying to figure out...
If I would have stopped talking. What has suddenly happened to you. Ha ha ha. Yeah. You went... Oh, my gosh, it's no. Everyone's just trying to figure out... If I would have stopped talking.
..what has suddenly happened to you.
Yeah. You went,
Oh, my gosh, it's awful.
You're the genie.
LAUGHTER
That was a bit starstruck.
LAUGHTER
Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Joe Wilkinson.
Do you have a preference?
Tap.
CHEERING A lot of people people fans of Tap here.
Yeah, I'm just, I refuse to, it's always a bit embarrassing isn't it when they go
Sparkle or Steal.
No, that's both.
Yeah, no, anyway.
That's both options, sorry.
And then you have to say Steal but I'm not paying.
Just to set the bar out so, you know. Yeah. Is that how you say it as well? Yeah, I'm not paying. Steal but I'm not paying just to set the bar out. So, you know. Yeah.
Is that how you say it as well?
Yeah, I'm not paying.
You go, still, but I'm not paying.
I'm just setting the bar out.
From a tap.
Yeah.
I'm not paying, I'm £1.80.
What, £1.80, you got that figure in your head?
Yeah, it differs from restaurant to restaurant.
Just to be clear.
When you were like, regularly on 8 out of 10 cats and count,
saying that to the waiters, did it feel a little bit cheeky?
It's going, yeah, I'll have still water but I'm not paying even though clearly I'm doing alright for myself.
I would say we get paid less than you'd imagine.
Would you say that to the waiter as well?
Yeah, yeah. I'd say don't, everyone thinks we get, I'll than you'd imagine. Would you say that to the waiter as well? Yeah, yeah.
I say, don't.
Everyone thinks we get.
I'll show you how much.
It's all right.
It's a good hourly wage, but I have to write.
There's weeks building up to it.
I'm nervous for a couple of days before.
So it's relevant.
It's not just two hours there.
I have to travel.
It's three days in total.
So if you do an hourly rate, it's not that great.
I'm clear about that.
Where do you want the tap to be in the world?
There's different qualities of tap water.
Is Brighton tap water good?
Ooh. I never understood.
Petty unanimous no there.
You know when people say, oh, it's hard water or soft water.
I don't, I can't really tell.
I've got no palate.
Yeah.
I can't tell when people go, oh, the water's a bit.
I'm like, oh, yeah, it's horrible.
I go, I can't.
Yeah, I'd say you're one of the only people I know like, oh yeah, it's horrible. I go, I can't, I can't. Yeah, I'd say you're one of the only people I know
who I would believe it if someone told me you drank out of the garden tap.
Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
You can imagine it, can't you?
Thank you.
Yeah, and not even like fill in a glass and then like straight up like a dog.
Lapping away at the garden tap.
Have you seen those hoses?
Oh, sorry. I just remembered, I want to get one of those hoses that,
they're extendable for about 40 meters,
but they're like ribbed so they can kind of suck.
Yeah, I've got one.
Have you got one?
They're covered in almost like a fabric.
Yeah.
And they just go really small, like a, yeah,
and then you pull them right out like a big foreskin.
Someone's earning
Okay, now yeah from from your one of those then I'll have you one drink
You want tap tap water from my big foreskin hose and I yeah, and I'd like you to drive there and get it
From the garden tap from the gardens from from Ed's have you got a garden? Yeah got a garden you live in London Yeah, it's a little garden. It's pretty small
Wow Wow
These are looms don't fill themselves
What kind of God what do you mean what kind of garden we've never had the tables be turned
So Joe's using this as a launch for his garden podcast.
Joe's just had an idea for a garden podcast.
What, is it like a town garden? Is it lawned?
Is it...
Very small...
James, you'll have your turn on garden pod, right?
Sorry, it's a goddamn spider's web.
You'll have your turn on garden pod right? Your turn on garden pod don't worry
There's a little lawn a small lawn small patio a couple of little flower beds
But it's a big big enough to own a lawn mower. Yeah, but I'd say on the rare occasion
I do mow the lawn. It's such a small lawn that you put it on and go
And then it's done. Yeah, okay. Okay. I know the size then big barbecue big barbecue in there though
Oh, it's mainly mainly from the barbecuing outside Joe. Okay
Fragile bread bread bread please
there are james thank you very much uh some wine i don't know what kind of wine it is
it's a reason why it's a rieslingling. It's a Riesling apparently.
The Jim Barry Dry Riesling 2022.
Wanky looking.
Boo, a boo from down there.
Why are you booing that for?
It's very wanky looking.
What was it called?
Bread, crusty bread.
But can I, because you're a genie.
Yeah.
Can it be, cuz in a restaurant?
I I fucking love bread, but I fill myself up
Yeah, so can it be bread like nice crusty bread that doesn't fill me up and I don't I don't get told to go
That's enough bread
Yeah
What do you think you're gonna have to get used to that. They are really into this.
Yeah. One of them asked us what wine we were drinking, then booed it.
So...
They know their stuff.
Odd bunch.
Dry Riesling, oh, boom!
Oh, that is a shame.
But they're fully behind this idea that you don't fill up on bread.
So basically like a magical stomach for the person who doesn't fill up on bread.
Because my other half will move the basket away from me.
And rightly so, but oh.
I'm imagining her now always reading a book as well.
So you're at her restroom, she's reading a book and she just goes...
To be fair, she's not reading a book and she just goes...
To be fair, she's not reading a book, it's a long old evening for her.
I am draining. I sometimes bring a spare in case she finishes that book and I go,
there's the follow-up. Oh yeah I thought you meant you
were a spare partner. Yeah that's what I thought. Oh God I wouldn't be that presumptuous.
I'll keep it a secret. Also while I'm here if I'm if I'm doing this if I'm like
yeah make it so you don't fill up on bread do you want me to make it so you don't choke on beetroot as well? Nah. Nah, you love that.
No, no, no.
No, just don't bother.
Do you want Life Saver at the meal?
Just in case.
Am I paying for it?
£1.80.
Do you think maybe you should buy him a meal or something?
Do you think maybe?
Oh, it was like two years ago.
If you took Life Saver for a meal, which, you know,
I think would be a nice thing to do.
Okay, I imagine this.
And they came over and said, still a sparkling.
Before you could say tap, he said,
can I get a bottle of sparkling, please?
I'd say, I think our order for us
he's we're not at the garden tap please with our toes trust me lifesaver you'll like this
you didn't even you got lucky you didn't even know how to do it
he got lucky he did wow yeah okay we both got lucky lucky day for? Wow. Yeah. OK, we both got lucky. Lucky day for him. Yeah.
Just going for a walk.
It's his hourly sanctioned exercise during COVID.
Spends half of it trying to stop an idiot choking on beetroot.
Gets spit all over him.
Goes home, has to fucking bathe in his hand sanitizer.
Because Joe Wilkinson off the telly gob, beetroot spit all over him.
Oh, I'm a lucky guy.
Did he get a gob on it?
No, the car got a gob on it.
Do you think the Heimlich is done face to face, Joe?
I refuse.
Your breath stinks.
That would be awful. I knew the risks going in. It would be awful if you did the front on Heimlich with someone and they gobbed out what they had straight down the back of your throat.
Just return it. Back and forth. We should stop this. It gets smaller every time. At at one point, one of you just swallows it.
Yeah.
They go, nice to meet you.
We got lucky.
We should go for dinner.
Nah, we should.
Has Life Saver saved anyone else's life?
No, he did get lucky.
No, the one time's enough, isn't it?
Walks past other people now.
Nah, done it. Not doing it again.
Let's get into your dream menu proper Joe, we'll consider you a dream starter.
Okay, I've listened to the pot a lot and these are my genuine ones because I was
worried you might think, but I would like a prawn cocktail.
Popular choice.
Yeah, cool.
I thought it might be a laugh, you know frowned upon to have because the last couple listened to people were talking about restaurants I'd heard of.
Yeah.
And so I felt overwhelmed.
And I was looking at my answer going,
prawn cocktail.
I'll tell you the perfect prawn cocktail.
It's simple, it's thinly sliced iceberg lettuce,
frozen prawns that have been defrosted for,
did I say prawn?
You said prawn, you said frozen porn.
You said frozen porn.
Which is, that's a whole other...
Yeah.
Frozen porn, what the animation?
Frozen porn.
What would that be? Frozen porn.
Like the Disney cartoon, but a porn-o version.
No, it's exactly like that, but I haven't got any trousers on.
That snowman getting absolutely smashed to shit.
Poor old Olaf.
No one touching that carrot for a good long time.
Afterwards.
That's been back and forth like some beetroot.
People letting it go all over the place I'd imagine.
Yeah.
You're the one who said you like it
Sorry this yes and in your finger you'd like frozen porn
You said you'd like frozen poor. Yeah, you can't take that back everyone heard it
Said you love it
You said I'd like frozen porn you came on a podcast and said that
you said I'd like frozen porn you came on a podcast and said that very good good stuff it's good stuff really unnerving that voice isn't it
scary copy ass now you like frozen prawns the little frozen prawns defrosted iceberg lettuce
thinly cut then a combination of tomato puree with mayonnaise whisked together
popped on the top end of so like proper like 17 yeah yeah bog standard maybe
some prep is it I don't know, I'll say it.
Yes, that word, paprika.
Paprika.
On the top for no reason.
Yeah.
And a slice of lemon that you pick up and go.
But you want it there,
even though you're gonna pick it up and go.
Do you want that?
No.
I'm also.
You never have done that. You never done that you never squeeze the lemon
It's there for decoration isn't it?
Don't think it is. It was one person Joe and I think it's the same person who said let it go
Not for decorating it tastes it tastes really nice. It's great with prawns
Well, I'll be surprised if it tastes any nicer than the way...
Cheers.
Do you make this at home, Joe?
My mum makes it when I go over to her house.
It's fantastic.
How often is that happening?
Well, how often do I go over?
About every two or three weeks on the way to football?
No, only because I'm going to football.
Someone genuinely tried to start a round of applause for Joe visiting his mum.
Here's to visiting the mums guys.
I tell you what, that would have been, that round of applause would have been started by a mum who thinks her kids don't come
Over enough. Yeah, but to be fair, I'm there about 40 minutes quit prawn cocktailing out, right? Yeah
No time to squeeze the lemon in
There's no lemon at mums
Does she make you a prawn cocktail every time you go over there every time if if my behalf isn't there because she doesn't like
Prawns mama go
Yeah And we don't have to say anything. There's there'll be prawn cocktail Every time, but if my behalf isn't there because she doesn't like prawns, mum will go... Yeah.
And we don't have to say anything, there'll be prawn cocktail.
And I bet every time, every time your mum says when it's just you, goes over, she goes,
I made you a prawn cocktail because I know she doesn't like them.
Yeah, yeah.
And then she'll say, well, you're married now.
And then she'll say, well, you're married now. So we'll have prawn cocktail.
And then I'll go to football, yeah.
So yeah, she doesn't mean prawn cocktail.
And it's obviously got to be in a glass that you can no longer buy.
I think there, what's the garage used to be able to get old glasses at?
Esso.
Yeah, those. Those.
Those.
Those.
Amazing.
Brothers in arms.
In an Esso glass.
Oh.
But you weren't expected to shout that tonight, were you?
I'm going to shout any garage.
What do you mean you used to get glass? I think this part's for the guy.
Oh yeah, forget your fucking young, yeah.
In the 80s, you used to collect,
sounds like I'm making this up now,
you used to collect vouchers with petrol,
and then for some reason randomly they go,
there's a glass.
But it's not really a shape I can use.
I know.
And then for some reason we never threw them away.
Kept them and then sort of 40 years later you make prawn cocktails.
And it just works.
So yeah, my mum's prawn cocktail.
It does sound bad.
Yeah, I was still toying around with that.
And I don't think I'm insulting you by saying that. I think you know that.
But what is it about that that makes it better than these lardy da prawn cocktails?
Because there was a big cheer when you said prawn cocktail.
And then when you described it, was a significant drop-off. Yeah
in the frozen pawns nafu
The frozen little tiny teeny frozen prawns. I think is where people may have
Jumped off
If I'm honest, I don't think there is a fancy prawn cocktail they're all quite
I'm gonna, I don't think there is a fancy prawn cocktail they're all quite I'm gonna say shit
Meal Joe, but it's your dream meal
If it's about the connection with your mother and it's like nostalgia and nice memories
Okay, yeah, but fancy prawn cocktails there are fancier ones with like big, those big prawns.
Yeah, that annoys me.
I don't like any prawn.
It annoys me when they leave it in the shell.
Fuck you.
I know it tastes nice to cook it in the head and all that, but still take it off for me.
Yeah.
If I'm, if I'm from pain yeah yeah which I mean you haven't really paid anything so far in the mill
no this is becoming my dream yeah yeah if you have free water your mum's made it
oh yeah yeah crusty bread I guess you're paying for the crusty bread so far right? I assumed that was free. Yeah
No, don't bring it over if I have an ass through it
Yeah, tricky moment where you double check that's free right
Continue you're saying all these things if they're purely universal
I'm so relatable
Just checking I'm not I I don't pay for my mum's prawn cocktail as well.
I don't know you tell us does she make you pay every time when you visit?
Rarely I'm just saying no I'm not I haven't paid I just really haven't paid
for anything yet so this is excellent. How many prawns do you normally get too many? Yeah, so you any yeah and
the the amount of sauce to prawns
Must vary every time you have it
That's a lot of sauce
Because I've got any this time
There's a sort of excitement when it's brought out fucking hell
The size of that the left that lemon wedge
Yeah. The size of that lemon wedge.
Do you think lemons are that big?
What sauce to prawn ratio is your dream ratio?
A lot of prawns and a lot of sauce.
So sort of 100-100 ratio.
Yeah, yeah.
100-100, yeah.
Every prawn perfectly coated with my amount of sauce.
No, like the the lettuce is
We had a prawn
You basically you put you put the lettuce in there and then you stack the prawns in and then you sort of dollop a bit
like a
Like a whippy ice cream. So it's sort of precarious on the top. Yeah, and then you you smear it yourself. Oh
Lovely. It's one of you smear it yourself. Oh lovely, it's one of those smear it yourself
meals. Yeah exactly. Like nobo, which I heard about last week, is that right? Nobo? No,
nae bar? Nobo? No, you're talking about a restaurant that you'd all heard of. Nobo. Nobo,
yeah. Yeah, not nobo. Well done, whoever got that. What is it? You have no idea how much time you just saved us.
No-Boo? No-Boo?
No-Boo, yeah, you've all heard of that, haven't you?
Yeah.
So...
Fair enough.
You'd all been.
So that's like a smear it yourself, is it?
That's what you do.
Yeah, like a Nooboo. So you think No-Boo is a smear it yourself, is it? That's what you do. Yeah, like a nooboo. So you think noboo is a smear it yourself restaurant.
Yeah, exactly.
They bring it over and they go, oh,
then of course you can smear this yourself.
I think I will.
This is the first radio ad you can smell, the new Cinnabon
pull apart only at Wendy's.
It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long
Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th terms and conditions apply
Your dream main course Joe what's following up this quite confusing prawn cocktail. Chicken, kale, chips, and peas.
Ha ha ha!
Thank you.
I didn't know.
I knew that as soon as he ended.
Yeah.
A lot of people.
It's been a while.
I think this might be the first time on the podcast we've had a meal that's exclusively
eaten on your lap. Yeah.
That's if I'm getting the hose through the window.
Chicken Kiev, chips and peas.
Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe.
Well, we're not eating in a restaurant, no.
Whose house is this that
Stevens tell us about thing yeah went to school with him and he lives opposite
his mum
all the house sport the house opposite his mum. Do you know what is at my house actually
can't be looking at his mum's house. Do you want to hear more about Stephen? Yeah so it's probably from
Waitrose yeah because I haven't spent yeah you can't go do that to him now
Chicken Kiev chips and peas
To I'm having two caves
Respect yeah, it's the only way anyway. Yeah people are leaving on that controversial
All right, I'll have double Kiev that pushed him over the edge
He's actually coming. Some people can't handle the truth gone gone forever
I mean he might have got all of it mate they just looked how much when does
wait for a shot yeah he did have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a Kiev.
Oh, get us one while you're there.
So double Kiev?
Yeah, two Kievs. I'll cook...
Because obviously you can get different chicken Kievs sometimes.
Chicken butter!
Yes.
It's going to be one of the options.
You can't... Also, you can't get different types.
Okay.
No, that's a chicken kev is garlic butter, right?
Yeah, yeah, okay. I've just seen them get called chicken kevs,
but have I ever stuffed them before?
Like what? They've got what? Stuffing in them?
I've had stuffing in there, like, they chuck some ham in there, whatever.
No, no.
Chicken cordon bleu with ham and...
It's amazing what they'll turn on, isn't it?
I know, they've turned.
It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the top.
Yeah.
I'm absolutely with them.
How much garlic butter
do you want in there?
It doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks.
It doesn't matter.
It'll all be coating the bottom.
Yeah.
And when you cut into it it's completely hollow.
Perfect. I've also forgotten it's in there so it's slightly too cooked.
Slightly too brown. So you're making this at home that's your dream? Yeah yeah.
Well then I don't have to go out. Yeah. So all the garlic butter's like just on the baking tray or whatever?
Yeah, yeah, but'll also pour the garlic butter
over the peas at least most likely also the chips and just like get a little bit
of yeah yeah you can do that to you you're wrong but should be soaking into
the into the crust of the key of but yeah I do like the hollowness of it as well
you don't want to be awful for you if you got the Kiev out the oven and none
of the butter had escaped that it's all in there well I'd cut the side and put
it back in you breach you breach the Needs to all be in the pan.
Also, if you're making this yourself, are you a goblin beetroot the whole time?
Is there some beetroot being eaten the whole time?
I've got beetroot in the house at the moment actually.
I've got three, it's a bit of a bugbear for Petra, sorry Petra, but I usually have about...
Okay, it's not even my other half anymore, just the first name.
Petra, she's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There'll be about four or five half empty jars in the
fridge and I'll, we'll be in St. Louis and I'll pop another one in the
basket. That'll be an awkward drive home. Are you gonna put them all in one jar?
Nope. Are you getting through them eventually or is there just a constant cycle of...
No, there's...
Well, there's that awkward moment where you pour it in the sink and there's a few loose
ones in the bottom, you think.
Why not? That'd be the worst one to choke on, a sink one. Yeah, yeah.
Ugh, it tastes like toothpaste. Hold on, hold on.
Yeah, I eat them over the bathroom sink. That's where you pour them out as well, when the
jars are done. You go up to the bathroom. I go up to the bathroom, check that no one's in there.
Yeah.
And then I go, and if there is a goat, do you want to fuck with me?
Eat some beetroot.
Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard.
What was it?
What was it?
He said, be true to yourself.
Oh, I wish there was What was it said? Be true to yourself?
What shows a way of deleting that oh
Edit it out The issue with beetroot for me is I if I eat beetroot and I know you're the same
I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me and oh
Yeah in a few hours time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet
I don't worry that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer. But I yeah how do you how do you
celebrate a beetroot shit? That's not the response I was expecting to that.
You go fucking beetroot. Should we go on a bike ride?
But what I'm worried about with you Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly...
Just don't ever look behind you.
But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong.
Oh yeah. I'll take a week off.
Can't say further than that.
What were we talking about? You said waitrose for your chicken kebab.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will have sagebeer.
Actually, sagebeer is cheaper.
Because if you cook...
Little tip.
If you overcook a chicken kebab by about 15 minutes,
they all taste the same.
LAUGHTER
It's a good tip, actually.
If you like it overcooked.
Yeah, but then if you buy a cheap one, you go,
that's it, because it's burnt, it tastes the same as a...
So, I don't understand.
This feels like a false economy, Joe,
because you don't have to overcook them.
LAUGHTER
What do you mean?
LAUGHTER You buy a nice one and cook it right then
it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right so why don't you just do
that rather than why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same?
Because I'm in the middle of a box set. What's the box set? Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama.
I never bother learning the names of them.
It's a detective in a town up north.
That's all I know.
And it's very well cast.
So you're getting into that. Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it.
Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready?
What alarm?
An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you that?
Two good answers.
Ha, ha, ha.
To be fair, to be fair, two good answers.
He's got me there. Would you like to be in an ITV drama one day, Joe?
Do you think you would be good in one of those shows?
No, because I love them too much, I don't want to go,
fuck I know it's me.
I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it.
And then be taken out of the...
Maybe it'd be good if you could get in one, right, even just walk on part.
And then at some point go, do you mind if I do a bit of improv?
Look down the camera and go, Joe, you've got a key over in the oven.
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell.
LAUGHTER
Perfect. I'd probably have to fund the show wouldn't I?
Worth it. We know you love spending money. Yeah absolutely the last person. I've actually saved a fortune over the years.
Thinking about that a lot now. So far you've achieved applause for most courses which no one else has on the tour,
despite having the worst mate, huh?
Yeah.
Sorry, but yes.
It's all right.
We've not really talked about the chips and peas.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Let's hear how delicious these are.
Anyone else?
I'll be like, yeah, let's hear about these.
This is going to be, oh, you know those really small peas that are too small? Yeah.
And they're like shriveled up because they've been in too long.
I want it like that.
They're like, you've boiled them for too long.
And the water's gone all scummy and really low.
I want those peas.
And chips, I want them when they're
either too soggy and anemic looking.
Or you've just got them out when they're perfect,
but then forgot about them when they're cold now
I want those ones and with like ketchup that's still got like a weird residue on it. I'd like those please
I'm getting hungry
Can I have the wine again please Ed?
Pass the wine to James Jo and then pass it back to him.
Well the one thing I will say I'm not buying the chips and peas in Waitrose.
No? Fuck off. You're going to a different supermarket for the chips and peas? Yeah, Tesco's or Sainsbury's or an Aldi or whatever. But yeah, whatever oven chips are in there.
What? Sorry, you drifted off there. Whatever chips and...
Whatever chips and peas are in there.
Whatever oven chips are in there? Well peas are all the same.
So, they are, they are, fuck off, right? You look at them and you go, okay yeah these ones with a fucking farmer on the front,
yeah well, or the basic green label one, I'll have those, yeah.
They're the same, aren't they? They're from the same factory.
Factory?
Pee factory!
The pee factory.
I suppose there was a factory involved at some point.
Have you seen the machine that rolls them?
Two little fingers, like that.
So, yeah, any old peas.
But I'll be honest, I'll buy some, but I'll have some in the freezer anyway.
Quite a lot rolled out the bag.
I think it's the first time anyone's picked oven chips for their dream menu, James.
I really like oven chips.
Maybe it is the first oven chips, is it McCain oven chips?
I never really take a notice of what ones they are. Do you like these crinkle cut like you like?
I like crinkle cut, yeah I think they're you know people go oh yeah they're all the same aren't they?
They're all the same? They're all the same. Yeah to me yeah. Okay. We talked about oven chips before. Oven chips taste like ovens.
You two seem really weary.
Well, we always say, Joe, I think what we're good at as podcast hosts is we reflect the
energy of the guest.
It's weird if we don't, you know, we have to go with you on your journey and you've
dragged us into the, I'm going to say shit. Is it fair to say, Joe, that even when, you know,
I think you probably started doing stand-up a little bit before me and James...
You can't tell, though, can you?
We did a lot of gigs together years and years ago.
Would you say that you've never had a thirst for life performance?
No. No, I've...
Yeah.
I've never overrunrun have I? No. That's never been. Never overrun in fact you're the
proudest you've ever been of a gig. Do you remember the gig that you told me about?
Oh the Hastings one. Yeah. I'll be honest that is amazing. I was there. I was. I did a gig in Hastings.
I got the train down and I was booked to do a 20 minute set, but I was running late.
And I got there at one minute to nine and I was on at nine.
So I ran straight in the pub.
I did the gig.
I got back off the gig, got back on the train, looked at my watch and it was 16 minutes past 9.
I'd been in the town for 17 minutes.
Also, back when we were doing lots of gigs on the circuit, I think you were the only comedian who we'd all get texts off regularly.
I think you must have had a list saved on your phone of comedians, like 10 minutes before a gig going,
can anyone replace me at this gig?
Every time, or some promoter being like, hey everyone, I don't think you can help us out,
Joey Wilkinson's just pulled out, we've got five minutes until his show, like panicking, because you've just gone yeah, also you told me that you used to book a gig you used to accept a gig
So you go? Yep. Yep. I'll do it. You book it you'd hang up and then you'd set a reminder to cancel it
And your phone yeah, I thought ooh must cancel that next Thursday
Also immediately the best two stories I text I ever got from you was,
can anyone replace me in Liverpool tonight?
I'm on the train on the way there and I've shit my pants.
Yeah, I did that deliberately.
Heimlich bit too hard that time.
Move on to your dream side dish Joe.
More peas.
Well, I'll be honest, chicken cube, chips and peas doesn't need any...
Of course not. Why would it need anything else?
Alright, put the peas in a pot. Do you mean a lamp?
Like that?
That'd be quite good pouring out one at a time.
Yeah, stick them in a tub or something.
A ramekin. I've learned that word recently.
Oh yeah? Not the word lamp.
But ramekins in your rotation.
One week at a time time what I really like about
this backstage Joe was going I just want to let you know like I've picked
genuinely what I want and it's gonna sound like I'm joking but it's genuinely
my dream meal yeah yeah which I believe because I mean you won't take this badly
but like you're a man you enjoy disappointment you learn to love it yeah
like I think mmm like specifying that you want the Kiev to already have bled
all the garlic butter and be hollow which offering you what if it could retain
it all and it's all in there, and you were like,
well I would just cut it and put it back in and sabotage yourself.
You threw that back in my face Joe, is what happened.
I'm sorry if I did that.
But I don't doubt for a second that's genuinely what you want.
I know that...
I love him.
It might seem to people like, oh he's just winding them up.
No, no.
You genuinely, when you said more peas yeah that's not a joke.
No my when we when we have them I my behalf doesn't really like peas. We know our name.
Petra doesn't really like peas but I do loads and sometimes at the end I drink them out of the sieve
When she's not in the kitchen
You can pull right on last week, yeah
He said the same stuff yeah, we had that out, you know, we're like we got Joe on next
Yeah, yeah, we don't wanna know you but that are haven't like is there gonna be ketchup and stuff with you? Yeah loads loads. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, and I'll take the ketchup in to into the lounge with me
So you're eating in the lounge right yeah picture of your dream lounge, yeah, it's my
Lounge in it pay are we talking yeah yeah yeah yeah everything towards the Terry so you take the ketchup
through with yeah cuz I'll eat a lot of ketchup and we're talking what a
percentage of a bottle. Yeah I guess so
well how long's the how long's the initial squeeze? Well it won't be a big
squeeze to begin with because I don't want to look you know rough around the
edges. Joe you have a plate on your lap a hollow Kiev and the worst peas I've ever seen.
What are you talking about?
But I am in a tuxedo.
We should have known.
It's Kiev night. We dress up.
Of course.
We dress up. So I'll do a normal amount squeeze, you know, like a third of a bottle.
And then add to it every four to five minutes.
And you're just dipping chips in that or is the Kiev going in that or the pea?
Everything's going in, it's always everywhere.
We've paused the telly at this point as well, to be clear, because we don't know who's murdered who.
And I fell asleep last night.
So we're re-watching the episode that Petra's already seen.
So she's on her phone.
Are you eating, like, you've got the plate directly
on your lap?
No, it's on a... what were these called?
Coffee table.
It's on a cloud coffee table.
Sorry, I know it's not a common word like ramekin.
It's a good word, ramekin, but the coffee table is quite low, so it's...
So you're hunched over, are you? Yeah, yeah.
And I'll say it's grotesque to watch.
And it's, I'll say it's grotesque to watch. LAUGHTER
Also with the ketchup and the squid, like, I would imagine,
tell me if I'm wrong, John,
but cos like, it was a big day, I remember, some of you
might be too young to remember this day,
it was quite a big day, when Heinz decided to flip the bottle upside down,
well basically turn the label upside down, I guess.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then we're all like, oh yeah, fuck, that's a good idea.
And a wider, and of course a wider lid.
Wider lid.
For the ballast, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't remember it.
So that you have it like that.
Yeah, wow.
Because for ages we'd all just been going like that because that was the way you read the label.
And then they went, if we turn this that way, look, you put it like that and then all the sources there.
That's brilliant.
I imagine though that you still have it that way with the label upside down and all the sauce there and the lid up top.
I use it so much it never has time to settle.
It's straight back.
Yeah, it's just, it's always moving.
You've invented perpetual motion, haven't you? Yeah You've invented perpetual motion.
Yeah.
Catch up perpetual motion.
And all catch ups are same as well.
Oh, OK.
That's the first time you've said something controversial for this crowd.
All catch ups look like the old feeling of tiring is catching.
So all catch ups are same? Yeah, it's all the same factory.
So Hein...
No, it isn't, I just don't care.
You know, I just like something red on my plate.
It's all about the colour?
Yeah, whatever.
Like ketchup, I know it tastes different,
but it doesn't matter, is what I'm saying.
Just as long as I have ketchup. You know, some people say, oh, I have to be Heinz or whatever. I don't care.
So you don't have a favourite ketchup?
Nah, as long as there's some.
I bought one of those tomatoes that you squeeze.
The plastic tomatoes that you squeeze. The plastic tomatoes that you squeeze. Yeah, not a tomato. The one that they grow for you to squeeze.
No, but I never, I never saw the pot, I never had time to put it in there. What? Well, I've never had a bottle
that's been had enough to fill the tomatoes. So I've never, never bothered.
I don't know where it is now.
So you've got an empty tomato.
Somewhere in the house.
Yeah.
I assumed the kitchen.
So you bought one of those.
How quickly was it before you looked at it and thought,
I'm never fucking putting anything in that?
Yeah, immediately, I think.
It's nice to have, isn't it? It's kooky.
LAUGHTER
I'd say if you're going sieve-to-mouth with the peas,
getting one of those plastic tomatoes is ambitious.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, it's a bit showy, isn't it?
Your dream drink, Joe Wilkinson.
What are we imagining this is going to be?
LAUGHTER Tap water? Your dream drink, Joe Wilkinson. What are we imagining this is going to be?
I'm guessing tap water.
I remember you've got the water coming out of my hose already.
Yes, you've already got that, Joe.
This isn't normally an audience suggestion.
I do agree, Joe is leaving a very long pause.
I think I'll go for a mango magic.
Now Joe. Don't give me that look Edward. You ever had a mango magic? No that was my
next question. What's a mango magic? I
Don't know
I had one on holiday. It was delicious
This is good. This is more traditional off menu fare. Whereabouts way on holiday
Okay
Spain I think. Petra. Where was it P? Oh she's gone home fair enough. To be fair, it's not been the best night out for her. Fair play love, just don't watch an episode of that. She's got over a bit of the
Kievs in the oven. It'll be back in an hour and a half, they'll be ready by then.
It's like a mango drink. Yeah. So you're in Spain. Is it no no no is it like a smoothie
Is it a smooth Joe you know what smoothie is is it know what a fucking smoothie is Joe
It was ages ago, yeah, this is on your dream menu, remember? You brought it up.
We didn't say, Joe, Joe, tell us what a mango magic is.
Is it a juice?
Is it more of a mango juice?
I'd say it was a bit of both.
Smoothie and a juice?
Not really, though.
But it was, all I could tell you was lovely.
Right.
Do you remember, so you're in Spain, you think. it was a mixture of a smoothie and a juice you think.
Where's near Tenerife?
We're past that, we're past that. I don't care where you were.
I'd like to know what the drink is first.
And then we can figure out geographically where you were when you had this.
So hang on.
About three and a half hours from Gatwick. Okay.
I couldn't tell you if it was north, south, east or west though.
Was it Tenerife or was it Tenerife you're in?
No, it was near Tenerife.
Right. So I think, yeah, probably Spanish, it's probably Spanish owned wherever you were.
Yeah, I didn't understand a word they were saying.
Okay.
You understood mango and magic, right?
Yeah, well, luckily everything was in English.
So was this on a beach?
Was this in a bar?
It was in a Chinese restaurant.
And it was on Christmas Day.
What?
No, it was on Christmas Day.
It was on Christmas Day in a Chinese restaurant.
Joe, what the fuck are you on about?
In a Spanish island you don't know what it is, and you had a man going magic.
Yeah. That's why it's so memorable.
Why were you on a Spanish island in a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day?
Because we fancied the Chinese.
restaurant on Christmas Day? Because we fancy the Chinese.
Paul Rudd was on last week. So what do you have at a Chinese restaurant? Noodles, rice. Yeah you like those things? Yeah yeah yeah. Oh shit, I should have had them.
Can we start again?
What was it? About the mango magic. It was ice cold. It was ice cold. You liked that? Yeah. Did it have ice in it?
I swear to high Christ.
It was amazing what you did there because James regained some hope in his eyes because there was a bit momentum
There was a back and forth wasn't that yeah, it was ice cold
They have ice in it and then no, I just think they kept it somewhere cold
Where do you think that might have been Joe or not ten are if
Boiling
Even on Christmas Day, but it wasn't Tenerife, you know what I mean?
One of the other islands
Cold mango magic cold mango. So it was in the fridge. We imagine it was in the fridge
It was a mixture between a smoothie and a yeah and a juice. It was hard to suck
Okay, so it's just it's a smoothie. Yeah, it's a smoothie or a shake then. Yeah, if it's hard to suck
I think it might even be approaching a sorbet, a smoothie or a shake then? Yeah. If it's hard to suck?
I think it might even be approaching a sorbet, but I don't want to open that.
I feel like it was like a mango sorbet type drink.
And Joe's tried to suck it up with a straw.
And he tried to suck it up with a straw.
But I don't want to ask him if it was a sorbet.
There's no way he'd suck it up.
But I can't hear you though.
Hello Joe.
So I don't think it was a sorbet.
Yeah. No? No. Because I had it early in the meal.
And you have sorbet at the end don't you? Yeah. Traditionally Joe, yeah. Yes.
But you eat beetroot while you're cooking so you flip things on its head sometimes.
It's not like you get drinks that are like like frozen like a frozen margarita or something
which is kind of like a sorbet type like melted like situation so like maybe
you've got like a melted sorbet mango drink and it is in the drink section and
you've got it it is possible but we will never know.
And did it it tasted really mango-y, did it?
Yeah, it was bright yellow.
Like a mango.
It's not really mango-y, is it?
Yeah.
Orange is what we're, probably.
Mangoes are yellow, aren't they?
I think I'm willing to admit that.
Yeah, okay.
Look, I'll pick my bowels at this point.
I'm having a lovely time.
Umbrella? Did it have an umbrella in it?
No, it wasn't that kind of restaurant. So I've never been to a Chinese restaurant
in Tenerife on Christmas Day. No. Hard to eat Chinese outside it turns out.
Yeah? Why? Because you just sweat a lot. Merry Christmas man.
Yeah.
That was a good Christmas.
Um, how busy was the restaurant that day?
Oh, almost empty.
Yeah.
Did you have a half?
Yeah.
Having a Chinese meal on Christmas day together?
Reading a good book.
Well I talk Tata.
There's not big gaps in the other reps, is there?
We'll edit all these out Joe.
Cool, thanks.
Actually we can't edit them out for you because it really, you know, it's why it's the way this is.
Yeah, and you can hear the audience in between so it'd be weird because it
was suddenly we're cutting off and hit can hear their eyes rolling I guess I
mean it feels like we should ask you why you were in a Chinese restaurant in
Tenerife on Christmas Day but well last time I asked that he said we fancied a
Chinese yeah yeah sorry yes you fancied a Chinese Yeah, yeah, sorry. Yes, you fancied a Chinese. Yeah, I think I've answered it. Probably the same. Yeah.
I don't know what more I can say
It took some doing to find one actually
But then where we found one there was two
How did you pick between the two the other one looks a lot fancier
That would have been too nice yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not like it's Christmas or anything
Straight into the scummy one to eat a drink you don't even know what it is. We arrive at your dream dessert Joe
Normally I'm excited for this.
Have you ever seen a Vianetta being made?
Have you ever seen a Vianetta being made?
I've watched a lot of videos of Vianettes being made.
I like Vianetta.
But I've not seen them being made.
Fucking hell, it's quick.
That's what you want. They I'd say what you say about
500 a minute don't think I would say that actually Joe
well you're watching a different video from me they make one long viennet yeah
yeah it's fucking incredible I was gonna say Vianetta anyway but after
seeing the video oh did the video put you off no it's impressive cemented it
cemented it yeah we love Vianetta don't we P Georgia can you text
Petra and tell her we love Vianetta. So Vianetta which I
would have had anyway but because it's off menu I'll say mint Vianetta but I
don't mean it. But I don't mean it. Because it's off menu you'll say mint Vianetta.
Yeah you know. What do you think this podcast is? This podcast isn't people choosing fancy stuff, Joe.
It's choosing stuff, and this will surprise you even more, they genuinely like. Yeah, I like Vianetta.
If you gave me, there were two Vianettes on the table and... Okay, here we go.
Most people wanted the normal one, not the mint one. I'll have the mint one.
But this is your dream meal, Joe.
Why are you inventing these people, coming in and going,
oh, I want that, actually.
And you go, yeah, fucking have it then.
I'll have my second choice then, fine.
Well, what I'm saying is I wouldn't be that disappointed
if I had...
if there was only me.
But imagine, this is your dream, you can abolish all disappointment.
You don't need to be that... I won't be that disappointed.
Imagine not being disappointed at all, Joe.
In your dream.
Have you ever had a nice dream, Joe?
Imagine getting the thing that you want.
That's all we're asking you, buddy.
Have you ever had a dream where it's gone well beginning to end without anyone interrupting it?
I've always got my trousers and pants down outside my old school.
Right, so you've got no time to sleep?
Wonderful, wonderful, that's called a bit of business.
How happy are you now? Oh, chuffed.
That's wonderful.
Should be happy.
What was the question?
Yeah, Viennetta.
Have you been to, have you been to the windmill in Brighton? Have I been to the what?
The windmill.
What, the pub or the actual windmill?
It's a...fucking why would I be asking you...
There's a windmill.
There's a couple actually and both are excellent.
The pub?
Yes.
Have you, so one of their new things on the menu is they do a Viennetta affogato.
What's an affogato?
Okay, yeah, I'll know it as soon as I tell you.
Whatever it is, they just ballsed up a Viennetta.
A shot of espresso over it.
Yeah, fuck off. Take that off. Genuinely a delicious thing that I've had in this town that involves Vianetta.
Get that off.
It's good. If you haven't been to the windmill and you live around here, go there and get, and at the very least, get that Vianetta Affogato.
Can you get it without the affog... whatever?
Yeah, I'm sure you could go and say to them. I've noticed here
It says you have a viennette affogato where you where you get
Viennette and you pour a shot of espresso over it
And also it says here on the menu that there's some hazelnut praline on the bottom of the glass as well
Can I have that without the praline or the shot of espresso?
Are we just like a block of vianetta like i could get at home
is that ok?
can i bring my own?
my name is joe wilkinson
do you know what i'll leave it i'll have it home
we like vianetta don't we? oh she's not talking to me
oh yeah we'll have it
i'll answer for her she's in the middle of chapter 2
she's bedded into the characters now
i mean look i love vianettaetta. Vianetta is fucking amazing.
Yeah. It is an incredible. It is great. Richard Osman chose Vianetta. Oh that makes me feel good.
You like Richard Osman? Yeah he's a clever clogs. He's written loads of books. How do you write books?
I'd imagine you'd seen the cover of his book quite a lot across the meal in a restaurant.
While you're pointing at your larynx.
And all you can see is like, the donkey who died twice or whatever the fucking book's called.
It's a good one, that.
Or whatever the fucking book's called. It's a good one, that.
Just thinking about me and Osmond having the same dessert.
Yeah, feels good.
Yeah, I'll have the mint one if he wants the normal one.
He's not, this is not...
With off menu we don't go, well you've had the same thing as them so you'll need to share.
Oh, okay. I'll have half his then. Joe will you
pass the wine to James Acaster. Thank you. Thank you Joe. Oh we've just been told by the great
Benito that Richard Osman chose mint vianatta. Oh so I can have the normal one, I can have the plain one.
Yeah but I can't stress enough even if he hadn't you could have still had the normal one. I could have the plain one. Yeah, but I can't stress enough, even if he hadn't, you could have still had the normal one.
Yeah, no matter what...
You've got more than one.
You can have what? Yes, actually, yes.
And you can have whatever you like in the whole world, Joe.
Yeah, I'll have a viennetta, please.
Plain.
Plain, yeah.
At home.
Yeah.
Do you realise 80% of your meal has come from your own freezer
Freezer Joe
Yeah, I've got a freezer or better
How long before you eat it you get in the vietnet or out the freezer that is a bloody good question
I have never been able to wait long enough for it to be soft and better
Yes, okay, so it's always too hard, but I'm in now
So we did the lines from frozen porn I love a callback.
That was a beautiful moment.
First guest to join in with it.
Oh was I not meant to do it again?
No that was great.
There's so many rules.
It's made my day Joe.
Yeah it's made my day Joe.
And I can't exaggerate enough, until now it was one of the worst days I've ever had.
So with the Kiev, you're forgetting about the Kiev,
leaving it in the oven, watching your show.
With the Vianetta, it's so on your mind all of the time
that you can't leave it to defrost.
No, I just won't.
I'll have forgot.
I'll be slightly feeling slightly sick from how much Kiev and chips I've had
But I'll go oh, come on. Let's get on with it
Get the vietnet around yeah, but you probably know this you meant to let vietnet arrest
That is the term yeah term that's on the box. Yep.
But I'll be honest, we don't.
We eat it straight away.
How are you hacking into it?
Oh, we've got a special knife.
A Vianetta knife.
What gamut did you get that from?
Got a cake slice they use nice. Yes. It's lovely meal. I've made in it
Wanna read that meal back to you now Joe see how you feel about it
You would like tap water from Ed's garden tap
You want nice crusty bread that doesn't fill you up?
Yeah, you want your mom's prawn cocktail you want to chicken key have some wait rows with chips and chips and peas not from waitrose and loads of ketchup. You want more peas in a ramekin,
you want a mango magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas day
and for dessert you want a plain vianetta. Joe Wilkinson. The off menu menu of Joe Wilkinson. Thank you very much. Joe Wilkinson everybody.
Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for coming. You've been absolutely brilliant.
Thank you very much. Don't forget that. Goodbye Brighton.
There we are, fantastic episode. We love being in Brighton. It was a great show. Only one night in Brighton. Residency though. It's a residency still. Do listen to Joe's podcast
with David Earl. Chatterbix wherever you listen to your podcasts. We've both been guests on
it, James. Don't remind me.
That's the vibe of chatterbicks James.
That's a compliment to chatterbicks the way James said that.
Yeah, those twisted fucks.
They'll like that.
I think there's also some episodes of Joe talking about coming to do the show you just
listened to as well.
So you can get the full complete history of the evening when Joe was booked for it, what
he was going to do, him coming to the show, how he feels about it afterwards.
So yeah, you can, you can really delve into everything that happened.
But it is, it's a very funny podcast.
Bye bye.
Bye. This is the first radio ad you can smell.
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Hi, I'm Lucy Beaumont. And guess what? I'm Sam Campbell. If you enjoy, well, there's another
podcast just coming out. Oh, the podcast is out now. Yeah. If people have enjoyed Off Menu, will they enjoy Lucy and Sam's perfect brains? I don't know. There's, there's a bit of a crossover,
we talk about um maybe you know a couple of food issues, we talk about cutlery and that's near food,
we reckon it's out now, not soon, it's now. Is it on all the platforms? Oh it absolutely is,
if you like James and if you love head you might get a kick out of this. But yeah, again, no pressure. But yeah, this one is coming.
This one's out now.
Lucy and Sam's perfect brands.