Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 245: Tommy Tiernan (Live in Dublin)
Episode Date: April 27, 2024Irish comedy icon Tommy Tiernan joins us for night one in Dublin. And, no, this episode hasn’t been edited much. Tommy Tiernan is on tour now with ‘Tommedian’. For dates and tickets go to tommyt...iernan.ie Follow Tommy on Twitter @Tommedian and Instagram @officialtommedianRecorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Bord Gáis Energy Theatre in Dublin.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're currently listening to.
I am on tour now. The show is called Hot Diggity Dog. Make sure you go and get yourself a ticket.
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Hot Diggity Dog!
Thank you, James.
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Oh boy, it's not Friday. It's not Sunday. It's somewhere in the middle. I'm just going to say it's, I need to say it's Saturday before you do that. It's the first show of our tour that came live from Dublin, our residency at the Board Gush
Energy Theatre in Dublin. That means gas board. It was on the 27th of November, 2023. And
James, we only went and bagged a couple of absolute stunners for Ireland.
And the first of which is Tommy Tiernan. Look, we absolutely love being in Dublin. We love
the comedy of Tommy Tiernan. He's a comedy icon of mine, if I'm honest. So this was very
exciting.
Yes. And we knew it was going to be an interesting episode. And I think it is.
Yeah. It's a fantastic episode. And if you're familiar with Tommy Tiernan, this is for me
Like quintessential vintage Tommy Tiernan. It's really good stuff. The secret ingredient was Marietta biscuits
Which is a sort of plain Irish biscuit that we were told about from the audience in the first half
A buttery kind of thing in between and you push it together and it comes out the holes
I don't really keep up with it. But like the Irish audience, well, one person told us about it.
Yes. We had a lot about different Irish foods, a lot about spice bags.
Yeah. We got quite the education, a wonderful audience to finish the tour on. Yeah. Obviously
it's the first of two.
First two of a residency. This is the off menu menu live in Dublin of Tommy Tynan. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast taking these sausages of conversation.
Adding these sausages of humour.
The sausages of friendship.
And putting it all in the big sausage of the internet.
It's the Off My New Sausages podcast.
That is Ed Gamble.
My name is James A. Castle.
Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask
them their favorite ever star, a main course dessert, side dish and drink.
Not in that order.
And this week our guest is Tommy Tynan
so excited to have Tommy we've got Tommy for the Dublin show James. It's a
national treasure episode we're very excited about it and it's live. We know
the secret ingredient already. Keep that in your heads. This is the off menu menu
of Tommy Tiernan.
Welcome Tommy. You don't get to say welcome when you're in my country. I get to say welcome when you're in my country. I get to say welcome, Ed and James.
Thank you, Tommy.
And was that you saying it or was that...
Are you actually saying it?
No, I mean it, yeah, totally.
James, what are you doing?
Yes, sorry.
We've got to kick the show off properly, Tommy.
All right. Because James is a genie now.
He's a genie in this.
So, I mean, it's up to you whether you want to rub the lamp or not.
Or whether...
We can imagine rubbing the lamp if that's easier for you.
It...
Why don't the two of us just have a chance?
Yes.
Let's see how long he can squat behind there.
Not forgetting he is fully squatting and he does still have an ice cream in his pocket.
That's the pre-prison squat.
Do you want me to rub this in? Yeah, go on, give the lamp a rub.
Do you want me to rub it?
There we go.
Oh my goodness. There you go. Welcome, Tommy Tynan, to the Dream Restaurant.
We've been expecting you for some time.
Although you should be welcoming me.
That's almost as amazing as Mars.
Wouldn't Mars be amazing if it was that simple?
Just rub the goblet and out comes God.
I'd definitely go for sure.
What would you want God to say to you if he let out the goblet?
Sorry.
And we'd ask him for an explanation and he'd say,
I don't know, I just love drama.
God talking like he's on the...
Yeah, the Earth is like God's television.
He just, he loves crime series, through crime series.
Murder, war movies. He loves the art, yeah yeah yeah,
flick into reality for his entertainment. Yeah. So I wanted to say sorry. It'd be a good
explanation if God just went I'm just a messy bitch.
Would you consider yourself a foodie, Tommy Turner? Not really, very simple, very like I grew up in a house where my mother
really had very little interest in us. Really, no, it's a wonder she fucking gave birth at all.
Just she would stand at the cooker but just be staring out the window.
Our food was generally heated as opposed to cooked.
So we would have had, do you remember the mashed potatoes that the robots made?
Smash.
That was like water plus baby food or some weird shit like that.
We'd have fish fingers.
We'd have the saddest fucking dinner.
Bacon and cabbage, but it was boiled to the point
of being beyond nutritional.
Like, it was the ghost of food.
It was just, it was the saddest plate.
I've...
If depression was food, it would be...
Like, it was just...
Suppose some food makes you happy, like...
Like, you know the way you kind of get in it?
Do you know the fizz from fizzy cola bottles?
Like, sucking them is just...
I'm alive!
Yeah, I do know that.
But fucking does know that.
Or, you know when you lick Pringles and you're kind of going,
I'm very bad.
Yeah.
How many times are you just like, I'm a very bad man?
I presume when you lick a Pringle, just to be clear,
because they're curved, you're licking the dish, not the underside.
As my father said to me as I was leaving the house, always lick the dip, Tom.
Always.
Always lick the dip.
Always lick the dip.
So apply that into whatever area of your life you feel inclined, but that's the advice,
always lick the dip. Was there any dish that you had when you were growing up that you looked forward
to? Was there like a treat dish that you were like oh we're doing that tonight?
No well my father would give us food every Friday evening and his there was a
chipper in Navin called Valley Cafe and it was it was it was like being loved. Do you know those places where you go in and
they're not huge and the wood is dark and everybody it's always kind of it was
never I'd never seem to remember being open during the summer although it must
have been but it's kind of a winter, Friday evening, wintery place, and lots of physical contact.
It was like kind of chips in a wardrobe.
And...
And the smell of vinegar and salt and love.
So every Friday, my dad used to get us chips,
and that would have been the thing
we looked forward to every week.
I do grew up in a strange house, you know, full of marital... My mother was a very odd woman.
We had to take the cat for a drive.
LAUGHTER
She would say to us, do women want to be alone sometimes but my mother couldn't tolerate and any living creature been in the house so my
father used to take us for pointless drives into the fucking the
countryside with nothing in it every Sunday and I remember my mother you know
we all be in the car and my mother would open the door and say,
take the fucking cat with you.
And...
So that was for your mother's benefit.
Because when you first said it, I assumed that you were taking
the cat for a drive for the cat's benefit.
Yeah, that's what it sounded like to me as well.
Yeah.
It's very hard to know what cats want.
LAUGHTER
I couldn't say the cat was ever pleased or displeased being in the car. He was just
resigned like the rest of us.
It's rare that a cat knows what day it is as well, but I bet your cat was like, it must
be Sunday.
So it's hard to know. But that's the kind of house we grew up in, you know, kind of. And food was never, like, we never came home gladly as children.
Do you know what I mean? One of them houses we just go, oh, fuck.
I loved my friends' houses. Like, we had, and back in those those days, like we all lived in the same type of house.
And there was, it's only as you get older
that you realize that were some houses bigger
than other houses, like we lived in an ordinary estate house,
very small, and there was about 140 or 50 houses
in the estate, and there was an exact opposite
of it across the road and then down there,
there was one row opposite of it across the road and then down there
was one row of kind of slightly not posh but a row of bungalows near us. They were fucking
mad like because one two story house and their fucking, their sitting room was upstairs. Who the fuck are these people? That have sitting rooms upstairs and we found
out later that the dad was a Protestant. And that's the kind of thing the
Protestants do, they have the sitting room upstairs.
Because historically the Catholics would have slept with the animals downstairs and the Protestants would be up with the furniture.
So we were, yeah, and they were slightly better off than we were.
And they used to have Sunday dinner every day.
The heathens.
Every day they'd have a full Sunday roast and sometimes I'd get fed at their house.
And I looked forward to food there.
Ours was a warring house.
So the kitchen was never a place of rest. It was never a place of...like
I would like to do now with my family, we have a round dinner table and
we kind of, we all take our, you know, get the phones away while we're eating and
no one's allowed on their phone at dinnertime and we just, we try and
have conversations, you know. But growing up, food was like, you know, a pit stop at a Formula One race.
You just fucking pull in, don't speak,
shuggle it into me as fast as you can and go to bed. That was it. So yeah, so I wouldn't say I'm a
foodie. I've never been a foodie, really. Was that the question? Yeah.
a foodie really. Was that the question?
Yeah.
Do I talk too much?
No, absolutely not.
We are loving this.
It's a night out for us, Tommy.
You're a gossip on a podcast, Tommy.
We always start with still a sparkling water for the dream meal.
I have no fucking time at all for water. I won't be seen near the stuff. Water to me is the liquid equivalent of waiting.
It is, it's, it's. Now, having said that, there is a very special place in County Kerry in Ireland called Glan na Gnalt.
And the literal English translation of it would be the Valley of the Mad.
And historically, if you were suffering from any sort of mental affliction, or not even,
no, because I think we're all kind of mentally afflicted, but a kind of a, maybe an antisocial mental affliction or they even know we're all kind of mentally afflicted but a kind of a maybe an anti-social mental affliction they would send you to the valley of the
mad to Glananghált that's where you'd go. Free bus ticket.
You're you're paying far too much attention to what I'm saying.
We test each other after.
And you'd go there to drink the water from the river.
And you hear about stuff like that and you think it's just some sort of nonsensical folk tale. But then in the last
20 years or so they've done tests on the water and they've found out that it has extraordinarily
high levels of lithium, natural lithium. Now you see, I'm stunned that you're laughing
already because you're all on tablets, aren't you?
You're all...
Please, a podcast listener.
This is a different, a completely different generation to my generation.
You take medication to fucking, to cope, right?
We took medication because we to taste the wind and speak the seven languages of the sun.
You fucking take drugs to get you through double maths. So you're a different generation.
Anyway, so lithium is a natural antidepressant. So they were right. This wasn't
a kind of an invented nonsense. This worked. So if you could get me a glass of water from
the river that flows through the valley of the mad. I'd have a glass of that.
Absolutely can. To start with.
Delicious. Lovely.
To start with.
Do you want wedge of lemon in that or anything?
You've just... I also like...
I'm on a bit of a tonic water buzz at the minute. I was in Africa last week.
And I wasn't sure what to eat in Africa.
And the part of Africa, I knew you'd always be worried, especially when you're going on
long drives in Africa or Asia and you're just after arriving, you'd be worried about getting diarrhea and stuff and
driving through the countryside not knowing how to cope with that. So I
wasn't sure what to eat. I wanted to give my body a few days and I wasn't sure.
Didn't want to go near any of the juices. I lived in Africa for a little while as
well and we had a mango tree in our back garden. I loved, I don't think I was ever happier
than I was up the tree away from my mother.
LAUGHTER
Eating mangoes.
You and the cat.
Just me and the cat.
LAUGHTER
Just sucking mangoes.
It was beautiful.
This microphone reminds me of a mango.
LAUGHTER So when I was in Africa, and I didn't know what to do recently, It was beautiful. This microphone reminds me of a mango.
And so when I was in Africa and I didn't know what to eat recently and I didn't know what to eat or drink to start off with, I was in a bar and I decided to go for the tonic water and I love it
actually. And I know there's quinine, is that the thing that's in tonic water? A lot of people
drink gin and tonics and would like the quinine. I love it. So that's kind of an answer to your lemon question.
Which is a bit like the classical Irish joke about you ask somebody for directions and they say well I wouldn't start from here. Problems or bread? Problems or bread?
Tubby Teng and problems or bread?
I think I would have to, I get full
very quickly. There might be an Irish thing as well of like we weren't
reared on starters.
So starters. No. So, starters don't make any sense to me. So a starter, an ideal starter for me would just be...
...to be beaten...
Can I tell you one of my sexual fantasies just to get that out of the way?
Absolutely. Please.
I'd love to be alone that's my section no I'd like to
be I'd like to be alone in a warehouse a really really big warehouse with with
a it's completely dark but I also have a blindfold on and and
my hands are behind my back and tied up or just behind your back
everyone he just you're making things awkward I will occasionally ask the
questions of me just Tied up.
You can just have your hands behind your back like a bobby on the beat, you know?
Yeah, but hands behind my back.
Yes.
And what I would like to be, what I would like is a naked, angry Serena Williams to
run into me.
And now, the thing is...
Repeatedly, not just once, like, oh yeah. Williams to run into me.
And now the thing is repeatedly, not just once, like,
she runs into me and I'm fucking knocked down to the ground. Like, yeah, and I can just hear her furious somewhere in the warehouse.
So we're in the warehouse. Yeah.
And Serena's got three reign of the whole warehouse.
Oh, she's running around. She destroys me.
She fucking destroys me. Presumably, she's got night vision goggles the whole warehouse. Oh, she destroys me. She fucking destroys me.
Presumably she's got night vision goggles on or something
so she can see exactly where you are.
She's like, this is like Shines of the Lambs kind of stuff.
You keep dragging me back down to earth with these questions. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There's no point, I don't think she'd be into it. I don't think she's... So she hates being there, right?
She's just annoyed at me for some reason,
that's all I know.
Me specifically.
Probably because she heard about this fantasy.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
What was the question, was it poppadoms or bread?
Poppadoms or bread.
It was poppadoms or bread, but often that gets confused.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Which tennis player do you want to slam into
in a warehouse constantly while you're blindfolded
with your hands tied behind your back?
Often people confuse.
Which one of the Williams sisters we've asked them to...
I think it's too easy to eat a load of Papa Doms.
Isn't it?
It's too easy, like you're full before you know it.
And the same with bread.
I do like Peshawari Naan.
I'm a big Peshawari naan fan. If the food, if I was only eating Peshawari naan, I'd have that.
But I'm conscious of having to finish this fucking four course meal, so I think I'd have maybe like the hint of a poppadom or something.
Like, I'd like a place that a poppadom had been on.
Yes.
Like a tiny poppadom?
Crisp you're thinking of.
Are we back in mass now?
Are we?
Are we back in mass now? Are we back at Body of Christ?
Back at Mass, Body of Christ.
Tiny poppadom if you want to take it like mass.
Pop it on your tongue.
Controversial, that James.
I mean, you brought it back round to that as well.
I thought we'd wriggled out of that conversation.
We moved on from the whole blasphemy thing.
Jesus Christ.
So I'd say a hint of a poppadom, a hint of a poppadom.
Do you like the smell?
Do they smell good, do they? Poppadoms. No one has ever said they love the smell of poppadoms.
No, there's a kind of a...
It's kind of an angry wet bread smell of poppadoms.
Isn't there?
Do you think about it as kind of, you know, but again, supremely conscious of not eating
too much at the start.
So I'd like a shard, a kind of a dust cloud of poppadoms, something vague and tempting
but not filling.
Do you want all the dips with that?
LAUGHTER
Yes.
LAUGHTER Yes, I want the dips.
Remember what dad said.
So let's go on to your dream starter then, because like, you're not really...
Well, I think we've heard it, haven't we?
Was that what, Serenity Williams mowing you down in a fucking warehouse?
No, the starter would be, again, like, what I was going to say about the steak was just
to be beaten across the face with a steak or something.
We're not used to starters in Ireland.
It's not, we're not reared with starters.
Like, it's such a, it's a dinner before your dinner.
Like in Irish restaurants, we have no clue
in terms of like the proportionality of portions.
We don't have, we're still stuck in that thing
of that more equals better quality.
So you'd be going to a place and you'd say,
I'll have, people might say,
oh I'll have the chicken wings to start.
And you get this fucking bucket.
And you know, there's no room for anything else.
So I'd have a sliver of something.
Joy to love, actually.
Yeah.
Do you remember that?
I can't remember what it was called, the fucking,
the, it was after Hannibal Lecter,
The Screaming of the Sheep.
It was the sequel to.
It was.
The Sons of the Lambs. The sequel, The Screaming of the Sheep. It was the sequel to... Sons of the Lambs.
The sequel, The Screaming of the Sheep.
China Bull and Red Dragon.
Are you thinking about...
If you're building up to Ward when Ray Lio has his brain cut out...
Yes. Yeah, OK.
That would not be ideal,
that you're slowly going mad
and being fed yourself.
Like, I would love to eat.
going mad and being fed yourself. Like I would love to eat.
I'd, would you put on weight if you ate yourself?
Would you?
Like if you were fed your own brain, would you?
Oh, yeah.
I couldn't possibly.
I'm stuffed.
What was I thinking about? Starter? Possibly being the sliver of your own brain for your starter.
No, what I would love to do is, and we're probably the only animals that don't do this,
I'd love to eat something that was alive. As you're eating it, it's alive as you're eating it.
Yeah, like all other animals get to do that. Like they get to...
They do. Do you remember the little fish they used to get to clean your feet?
Yeah. Yeah. Like did you ever just fucking...
Yeah. Like, did you ever just fucking...
And they're going mad in your mouth.
I think I'd like that. I'd like to, as a starter, just have something that... Do you have anything that's...
Do you have any vegan options? You're getting gluten-free.
Anything alive?
I'd like that, I'd like something that was alive.
Do people, wine people, they can't, you know,
they, wine tasters and stuff like that.
Never, they always just rinse their mouths,
and then, there must be some way of doing that with a type of food that that is
you know just have a shawl full of these micro sharks
I just... Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
Swim to freedom.
Yeah, so you can get a taste of them.
Yeah, and just the closest we've ever got to that is fizzy cola bottles.
That's the closest we've ever come to having something that's alive in our mouths.
Certain body fluids that are alive.
But I've never had the pleasure. Well this is the dream restaurant. body fluids that are alive.
But I've never had the pleasure.
Well, this is the dream restaurant. Yeah.
Where?
Anyone could be let into that warehouse, Tommy.
Yeah.
It's dark in there.
I would like to try a breast milk sorbet.
We're really jumping around here on what you, taking a while to decide we've been through the
classics. Why is that disgusting to people? When we're born it's the only thing we want
you know and now look at us oh we're so mature you know. I haven't developed a taste for sorbet
as an infant. Bodybuilders drink breast milk don't they? Do they? Apparently some bodybuilders buy
breast milk off on the black market and drink breast milk, don't they? Do they? Apparently some bodybuilders buy breast milk on the black market and drink breast milk
because apparently it's better like protein and stuff.
What do you think of that?
You have a habit of just stopping this conversation, dude.
I mean...
I mean, I was carrying on, I was trying to carry on the conversation.
You're the one who threw fucking breast milk sorbet into the mix, Tommy.
You can't do that, Tommy.
You can't go, I'd love to eat breast milk sorbet.
Some people do. This guy's fucking weird.
Who invited the weirdo to dinner?
I'm just saying that I would love to eat it. The fuck is this?
The reason I was stunned by it was because I'm curious as to how they would get it and how like because you know when your fierce amount doesn't come out hmm you know it's not you don't anybody
want to chip in here with some facts yeah I guess there's some people who are Yeah, that's a bloke. My mum told me that people used to go over to the pub and actually get paid to pump milk
because people were actually buying it.
Now it's usually like fetish people but like...
Your mum told you that fetish people used to buy it because people were paid to go and get pumped for those people.
How did your mum happen upon this information?
Huh? Your dad told you? Oh no.
Okay, so he bought it. He was buying it and then it said I've heard this happens so there you go there's a monkey for everything yeah so again not not too
much of a starter just something to wet the appetite lovely so something kind of
like like the smell of something or like a mist. Like mist from the kitchen.
It's the second mist of the menu, Tommy.
Oh, is it really?
Do you want the mist to be your own?
The smell of, it doesn't have to happen to you,
but the smell of your own brain sizzling in a pan.
Because there is that bit in that Hannibal scene
where he starts sizzling the brain,
and Brailleo is like, oh, that smells good.
And he actually, he performs that bit very convincingly,
and it makes me think, I bet that does smell delicious,
because he's really selling it.
So would you like that smell of your own brain?
Sure, I'd try to smell it myself.
The scent of your own brain sizzling in a pan.
Oh, lovely, yeah. I'd go for that totally, yeah.
You're right about the Irish not understanding
starters. Just as a point of information there never was a famine. of these other people.
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Dream main course, Tommy.
I'm not interested in that question but I would
like to talk about my dream main course would be again I'm not mad from I'm not
mad for meat yeah I prefer not to eat meat it It's not a, I'm not a vegetarian or anything.
Or I don't buy the, I don't think you're actually
eating a cow.
Like it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now.
It won't be a cow tomorrow.
It won't, it'll be something else tomorrow.
I wouldn't eat a cow, I wouldn't have the nerve
to go up to a cow and just start eating it.
I, you know, I wouldn't do that, nobody would.
Even, I wouldn't even do it to like a chicken or,
but once it's like, what's on the plate is not the thing that
was in the field. But I still don't... I would eat a chicken if it was somehow in
the shape of a baby. I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that.
They could genetically... I would not... It would still taste like chicken but it
would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating?
You imagine that would be quite easily done. Like a plump roast chicken
line on its back would not need that much work to look like a baby. And people would be going, what the fuck is that?
I think he's eating a baby.
So let's just park that for the moment.
Don't make that weird with any of your questions.
OK.
Sorry, I've got nothing to add there.
But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes.
So I love roast potatoes and like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food.
So roast potatoes, doesn't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, underdone, rightly
done.
It almost even doesn't matter what's on them.
Rosemary or salt.
I was gonna say, Maura, Sandra, Trasda.
Um.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
I like to pull potatoes out of the lady.
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I like to pull potatoes out of the lid.
Who's this guy? Yeah. I like this guy. Puts him back in the genie bottle. I like him. Who is he? He's fucking Maddie's.
What was I talking about?
Roast me roast potatoes, yeah.
So it doesn't matter.
Good point of that guy.
It doesn't matter what's on the potatoes, as long as they're roasted.
And I love them.
I'd almost eat them all the time, as everything, like get up in the morning
and just, you know, have two.
Steady on.
And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether.
And then in the evening have about seven
and one going to bed.
I fucking love roast potatoes and I'd like like when
parsnips are roasted little slivery kind of with that. Do you know when they're almost
over roasted and they've this almost like this tail a little little wisp of
something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy. And carrots, I do roast carrots.
Sometimes they put a honey thing on.
I fucking discovered this popcorn recently
that has blown my mind.
Q's, have you heard of Q's?
You have to eat these before you go back to eating.
Q's, Q's.
Q's. Well, this episode is gonna be released, audio. Kills. Kills.
Well, this episode is going to be released, audio.
I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you did a mad job editing this because
you've clearly missed out a bit.
He was talking about all the roast vegetables he likes,
and then you just hard cut into him talking about popcorn.
So. And all of you are going to have to go online now.
No, no, that is what happened in the room.
We went there.
It's what happened.
We went from carrots to popcorn immediately with no bread.
No, there is a link and the link is that Q's do this new popcorn now.
I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago.
It's honey and sea salt fucking popcorn.
Like these people have nothing better to be doing
than just thinking the shit to put on popcorn.
It is delicious.
So I would, the carrots would have a kind of a,
you know the carrots have a honey glaze on them sometimes.
I kind of like burnt food.
Yep. I like, you know,
food that's just fucking it's like
annoyed at you.
That's what burnt food is.
Now, burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.
Isn't it like, yeah, like when you're having
rashers, like a good bit of the rashers can be alright,
and then towards the end it's going, oh, fuck you.
So I like, my main course would be mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape
of a baby. If it was at all possible.
Yes. I can do that for you.
Maybe we'd have a glass of something. Maybe if we'd run out of the lithium water, we'd
have a glass. I tried this whisky recently. Do they, like I'm very easily led.
I don't believe that for a fucking second.
There were two of us trying to do it now.
I'll be at home hating myself later.
But I was reading, Leonard Cohen was talking about being on tour in Europe in the 70s.
And he talked about we were spending a lot of money on this really expensive red wine
that had these extra tannins in them that were almost, he said they had, and I don't really drink red wine,
but he said there was a kind of a euphoric,
kind of happy buzz off, like,
that wine has different stuff in it
that has different effects on your body.
I thought, wow, can you imagine being able to,
and he said they were spending like thousands
of pounds on this fucking wine and the idea
of drinking something like that would be and but recently I had a glass of this whiskey
that just jolted those it was now whiskey is ridiculous because it's I
don't like I like cigars but yeah what I can't tolerate is the price of things.
I can't tolerate is the price of things. Hmm.
Continue.
I love that during that, at one point, a guy down here...
Yeah, which whiskey?
Yeah, yeah, which whiskey?
Mate, if you think you...
Oh, I'll get a straight answer out of Tom.
Fucking second row audience member.
Which whiskey, in Tommy's straight away name is it for you?
There you go, happiness.
Instead of which whiskey, I like cigars.
I'm talking about the price of things. Yes, sorry to interrupt Tom.
That sometimes
something can be so expensive
that it takes the goodness out of it.
So with food,
you know, unless, if you've been
taken out to a restaurant, like
I was in this place in
San Francisco
last week.
Now I was pretty sure you were in Africa last week.
Big week.
So, we went to this ridiculous, ridiculous restaurant and it was too expensive.
And it kind of took the goodness out of it.
kind of took the goodness out of it. So then the same can happen with cigars.
It's like you can get a cigar that's, you know,
that costs like fucking two grand or something
and you're thinking, this doesn't make any sense.
Why is, this is not right, like.
And with wine, it's the same.
And whiskey, the reason I'm not gonna tell you the,
is because it's too expensive.
So if stuff is too expensive, it sucks all the goodness out of it. And there's no reason for it to too expensive so if stuff is too expensive it sucks all the
goodness out of it and there's no reason for it to be expensive really no reason
at all so poppadoms is the answer to your question
so the main course so far we just just quick catch up, we've got roasted vegetables, so burnt
and they're aggressive towards you.
They're annoyed at you.
They're annoyed at you, yeah.
A roast chicken in the shape of a baby if that's possible and a glass of whiskey that's
too expensive and it sucks all the goodness out of it.
Yeah.
But it made your head feel like you had too winter behind you beside you.
I'd like that.
I'm also just as a...
I know
we've gone to sides now. I... Hard to work with a side dish for your main dish that's
comprised of sides but... I used to sell mushrooms. My dad... This explains everything.
I would look... if I was in prison in America for murder. Back to San
Francisco? Yeah. Maybe the chicken shaped like a baby wasn't a chicken at all! Ha ha ha ha ha!
It was a fucking baby, an actual fucking baby!
Oh no, he's back!
It's my favourite character I've ever seen.
I had to fucking baby!
Ha ha ha!
Really?
I don't like the guy but I do want to hit
absolutely love it yeah anyway so oh he's gonna go I'm like
remember that movie Ed Norton was in okay the incredible how remember the one
it was called what no primal something or other fear was a primal fear where he
played the guy that was he he had two different personalities.
And the lawyer defended him and at the end he showed him
that they were only a fucking joke.
Anyway, I'm in prison in America.
For murder.
For after, you know, for eating a baby.
It wasn't even my own fucking baby.
I just picked it up and fucking ate it.
Right. You get uncharacteristically excited and giddy as well when you do it. Yeah. You really
come forward on your seat when you're talking about eating a baby. I'm quite shy otherwise,
aren't I? Yeah, yeah. Giving me confidence. So I'm in prison in America for eating a baby and you get your last meal.
Yes.
You know, I would, so like I would love to, it's a mushroom based event and if you could
get me like without the authorities knowing, like I say,
say my brother was a fucking pizza chef in town.
And even though it was his baby, I fucking it.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Because you have to have access to baby if you want to fucking eat it.
So...
My brother, he was just as fucking mad as I am because because where we were brought up right my mother used to make us take cat
for fucking walk
what's happening so I'm in prison in America.
And I managed through my contacts to get magic mushroom pizza.
So you know, and they're all there.
The other relatives or whoever the fuck.
You know.
Oh, my brain is too fast for my mouth.
And so anyway, so, George, they like there's, there's, when you're being executed, there's a thing of the family of the people that you've murdered the person belonging to.
It's there, there, because they want to see you die.
And they want to see... they kind of want... that's part of the thing.
So I would either do one of two things.
I'd either have like a... some sort of a poisonous mushroom.
And I'd be fucking dead already.
So they couldn't, they get the satisfaction
and they'd be just fucking annoyed after getting the bus
out to the prison.
What do you mean he's fucking dead already?
So is that your family?
He's being unconscionable.
That's the family of the baby eater. Anyway, so either dead already. So is that your family? He's being awkward. That's the family of the baby eater.
Anyway so either dead already or... The baby's family have come to watch Tommy die. His brother's made the
pizza right? His brother made the pizza but the baby's family have come to watch Tommy die.
But his brother is the father of the baby? No, I thought that but the brother knew the family.
No it was his baby I remember that bit.
Oh, apologies. Apologies.
Because you've got to have access to baby if you want to fucking eat it.
Yeah, okay, that's true.
So, it's Tommy's family who have come to watch Tommy.
What? They're a strange... They're a strange...
They're a strange family.
But they've come because they want closure by watching you die.
What, to see me fucking die, you know what I mean?
Bastards.
And you're denying them that closure.
I'm fucking dead already.
Yeah, because you've eaten a poisonous mushroom too.
Or.
Or.
Yeah.
Or they're like hallucinogenic mushrooms.
And you're just, you know, they bring you in and you're,
they lay on the kind of the crucifix table and
They they want to see you apologetic and I'm so sorry for eating your fucking baby
If I could go back in time I would see this!
I can't go back in time! Oh, God!
Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me?
I'm so sorry, I... I wish I'd never fucking seen that baby!
Oh, what even lies?
Fucking hell.
Or...
I have this magic
mushroom pizza and I'm
fucking gone.
I am just... So they don't get that
thing of me crying
and I'm just there going
Bendy!
Why is everything just
all fucking Bendy! Why is everything just your fucking bendy?
Look at the walls! They're fucking on the roof and they're bendy!
They're bendy walls!
Both, both good options.
Both both good options. Yeah
We'll get you a slice of each you can decide on the day. Thank you. Thank you all I'm gonna be thinking about
I'll try and get to sleep tonight. Yeah, that character the whole narrative arc of a story
Call me call me James call me
Are you asleep?
So am I
I'm going to go to sleep in your brain
First voice you hear tomorrow morning will be mine gone. Hello James Anyway, your dream site, what's your dream side dish, sorry?
So the side dish would be some sort of mushroom.
I do love mushrooms.
I think they discovered a massive mushroom in, somebody will know this, I think they
discovered it's like the size of a county.
No, really, I did. I think someone will know this.
In Oregon, yeah.
In the Organ Mountains?
We have no...
We don't know if she's lying or telling the truth.
It's awful, that, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Surely, surely you do know, Tommy, you were in the Organ Mountains last week.
LAUGHTER
It's all get fucking smart now.
LAUGHTER
Oh, he's gone, he's having a nap.
So, yeah, that's beside just kind of just mushrooms.
Lovely mushrooms. And we used to have, like I think, I did sell them.
My father worked for an organization called Chagasc,
which were kind of the farm advisory council of Ireland or something.
And I was a teenager and I wanted extra money.
And he used to buy mushrooms off
a local farmer for 50 pence a
pound, and I would go around
the housing estates in our side
of Navan selling the mushrooms
for 50 pence a half pound.
So I'd make about 20 quid
altogether, and I'd give a
tenner of that back to my dad to
pay the mushroom farmer for the tenner's worth of mushrooms. And I'd have a tenner of that back to my dad to pay the mushroom farmer for the tenner's worth of mushrooms
And I have a tenner in Navon on a Saturday
So I bought Kels
That's a town beside Navon
Your dream drink Tommy Taylor. My dream drink.
The blood of Christ.
You've got to be delicate Tommy.
Shatanaftapap. enough to pap. Again, you know, I like Guinness.
I like drinking Guinness.
I like drinking whiskey.
I'm trying not to drink as much these days.
I'm trying to kind of knock it back.
So I'm on the tonic water at the minute, which I do like a lot.
But for a treat, I find Guinness gets me drunk kind of slowly, and I'm a nice Guinness drunk,
do you know what kind of way?
It's kind of an easy, slow,
and I'm bendy and friendly
on a Guinness drunk.
Like I'm good crack.
But whiskey gets me drunk quite rapidly,
and I get a bit gnarly.
And I like being on my own when I'm drinking, I was kidding.
So my ideal drink would probably be
some sort of a mushroomy...
A magic mushroom smoothie.
Magic mushroom smoothie? With a hint of death.
That's exciting.
We made sure we...
It's our first night in Dublin last night.
We arrived yesterday and had a lovely meal at Massa.
Massa, yeah.
And good tacos.
And went from there over to Wieland to get a Guinness.
It was a very nice feeling to arrive in Dublin and have a Guinness.
Oh, yeah. It's a bit different to the Guinness in England, did you notice?
Yes.
It's a bit more...
Do they take the time to pour it properly?
It is a beautiful, beautiful drink.
Have you guys ever had pucchin I heard about it I should have brought some put you is this illegal
hooch that we have here it's kind of like say you're four or five years of age
and you say to your mother,
I'd really like to spend most of my adult life in and out of psychiatric hospitals.
Then she'd start giving you a put-chain. So even though it's illegally made,
there is some amazingly beautiful stuff out there. Like in the 60s and 70s and 80s it was kind of harsh. People were just
throwing surgical spirits into it and stuff. It was just like an angry drink.
But in the past, I wouldn't say it's gentrified, but in the past
10 or 15 years people have gone through a real, they put all types of berries in it.
If you're lucky enough to get beautiful poutine, there's all these designer gins around now, but there
also is beautiful, beautiful pucchin out there. It's difficult to find, you should never pay
for it. Somebody should give it to you and you just owe them a favour.
What's a reasonable favour in return? Just you fucking ways! I felt
him coming back. I felt his presence. A favour might be that you can't that you
you might you know drive say they had a son in college in another town, you might drive him to college a few
times or, you're just normal human stuff like that.
Somebody might have borrowed your lawnmower a year ago and as a way of apologizing for
the delay and getting it back, say here's a bottle of madness. So a friend of mine, it's even stronger than whiskey.
And a friend of mine, remember, we were out and he went drinking and he says, never, never
again.
The last thing I remember is being at that party on all fours, barking like a dog.
And he says, I woke up by the side of the road holding onto a bicycle.
So it does that to you.
It's beautiful.
A glass of fruity pine would be my ideal drink.
Oh lovely.
Now, I tell you what.
No, it wasn't. Yeah, we're okay.
But every episode we have a secret ingredient.
Oh, yeah.
That if the guest picks it we,
since we'll sound aggressive,
but kick them out of the dream restaurant and they don't get any dinner.
And on the tour we get the audience to help us choose what the secret ingredient is. Oh, yeah. That was one of the candidates. and they don't get any dinner. And on the tour, we get the audience to help us choose
what the secret ingredient is.
That was one of the candidates.
It was nearly that.
It wasn't that.
There was something else.
It felt a bit harsh to pick that
because the reason for the guy picking that
was that he knew you loved it.
Yeah, actually he called it, yeah.
He said Tommy loves it.
So anyway, yeah, beautiful drink though, beautiful.
We arrive at your dream dessert, Tommy.
Now...
LAUGHTER
Hmm. There is a space between...
I have a shed down at the bottom of my garden.
LAUGHTER
I don't know much about, like, reality, so...
LAUGHTER
No, I really don't. So in terms of things, I'm not really clued
into their what a thing would be or
what the thing would be. Yeah, just I just don't know stuff.
Like I've lived in the same house now
for 21 years and my daughter had to tell me last week where the utility room was.
Like I, I just don't,
just part of my brain is not engaged on that level.
So, when the shed was being built,
I said I wanted a toilet in the shed,
because it's a 30 or 40 seconds walk from the house.
And, you know, because you'd be down there
drinking coffee and stuff like that,
you'd want to walk up to the house,
and you know, everybody knows why be down there drinking coffee and stuff like that, you'd want to walk up to the house and fucking, you know, everybody knows why you're there and...
LAUGHTER
Does that embarrass you, your own family,
when you go to the toilet?
Yeah, don't...
There he is, in his own house.
LAUGHTER
So, but the man who was building the shed
said that it would be too much...
too hard work to get... because the shed is at the
bottom of the hill and the septic tank was up at the top of the hill, it would be too
expensive to get something that would drive the effluent from the bottom. So he said,
he persuaded my wife not to build me a toilet. So I...
He wasn't wasting his time persuading you.
Yeah.
Straight to your wife.
You're going to have to talk to him. I've been out there for five hours.
He won't be able to build him a toilet. He's not having any of it.
He's threatened to eat my baby five hours.
Please.
So...
He's doing a character. So there's a gap of say the size of this
table, what's that, maybe about four feet, between the back of the shed and the back
wall and there's these kind of strange kind of like, it's not cabbage but
it's kind of some weird, I don't know what the fuck it is. I didn't know, so I used to piss on it.
Right?
You need something that like, act off menu.
Who edited this?
So.
This is the back, around the back of the shed, right?
So no one could see me, so I go around the back of the shed
and I piss on this stuff.
Yes. Right.
Now, my son then... This is dessert. Yeah.
But you have to appreciate... My son then made dessert for us. Oh no. From rhubarb.
growing down the bottom of the garden and it used to be my favorite dessert rhubarb I used to love rhubarb I remember going to my granny's house in Athlone
and she would make us rhubarb tart and I used to love it but I can't eat that now.
I bet your family can't either. Did you tell them? Did they all find out?
They will when they listen to this.
They ate your piss.
Piss rhubarb. So I would, in my memory, rhubarb was always lovely but I can't
come near it now so I would have to get real normal like I'm real normal. I would
say that I love ice cream and you're the kind of the thing it's honey with
caramel in it like it's just one or two balls of that now,
and with the little hard chunks of honey in it.
Is it honey, is it like a bit of a crunchy bar or something?
Whatever it is, honey.
Honeycomb.
Thank you.
I love honeycomb ice cream, so I'd be really boring
and decide, a bowl of honeycomb ice cream, please. I'm going to read your menu back to you now
and see how you feel about it.
Good luck, James.
Thank you, Ed.
You would like a glass of water from the river
in the Valley of the Mad.
You would like the hint of a poppadom with all the dips. You would like the smell of your own brain sizzling in a pan.
You would like roast potatoes, roast parsnips, honey glazed carrots,
so burnt that they're annoyed at you, but if possible with a chicken in the shape of a baby
and a whiskey that's too expensive and makes your head feel like a wind turbine.
You would like a side dish of a poisonous magic mushroom pizza, drink a glass of fruity pot-chin, and dessert a bowl
of honeycomb ice cream.
Goodness.
The off menu menu of Tommy Tiernan.
Tommy Tiernan everybody.
Fantastic Tommy. Give it up once again for the brilliant Tommy Tiernan! Tommy Tiernan everybody. Fantastic Tommy.
Give it up once again for the brilliant Tommy Tiernan!
Thank you very much guys, good night!
Bye!
There we are, and don't forget Tommy is on tour with Tom Edian. How has he got this far
into his career and not called a show that amazing? That's that is really funny. Yeah.
I think a lot of comedians, if they're there was Tom, that'd be your debut. Ed and Bush.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
In like a 50 seat or playing to 10 people every day. Yeah. And his show is called Tierney needy. He's
got it. He didn't spot to medium. He's doing the house. Tommy's done it now. It's a Hammersmith
Apollo in London this Tuesday, the 30th of April. So if there are tickets left, go and grab them
with both hands, go to Tommy tin and dot IE for tickets. Thank you again, Tommy, for doing the
show massively appreciated. We'll be back next Saturday with our final bubba bonus episode. Bye!
From the world of Sonic the Hedgehog a new hero arrives. I am ready. Is there Hi, I'm Lucy Beaubont.
And guess what?
I'm Sam Beaumont. And guess what? I'm Sam Campbell.
If you enjoy, well, there's another podcast just coming out.
The podcast is out now.
Yeah.
If people have enjoyed off menu, will they enjoy Lucy and Sam's perfect brains?
I don't know.
There's a bit of a crossover.
We talk about maybe, you know, a couple of food issues. We talk about cutlery
and that's near food. We reckon it's out now. Not soon, it's now. Is it on all the platforms?
Oh it absolutely is. If you like James and if you love Head, you might get a kick out of this. But
yeah again, no pressure. But yeah, this one is coming. This one's out now. Lucy and Sam's Perfect
Braids.