Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 247: Ardal O’Hanlon (Live in Dublin)
Episode Date: May 4, 2024It’s the final b-b-b-b-bonus episode from the live tour and what better way to end than with Irish comedy god and ‘Father Ted’ star Ardal O’Hanlon. Oh, and eating a creamy dessert. Follow Arda...l on Twitter @ardalsfolly and Instagram @ardalohanlon Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Bord Gáis Energy Theatre in Dublin.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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It's the final Saturday release, James.
What does that mean?
But, but, but, but, but, bonus!
Bonus live episode from the Off Menu Tour in 2023.
I mean 28th November 2023 this was recorded James.
The day this is being released is the 4th of May 2024.
I'm in Japan right now.
Really?
It's the day before my mum's birthday right now.
I'm going to be sitting my flat, missing my friend.
But to cheer you up James, you can listen to this.
This was of course the final night of the residency in Dublin, recorded at the Borgos
Energy Theatre on the 20th November 2023, as I said.
There will be some callbacks from the first half that won't make any sense, but don't
worry about it, just relax into it, enjoy your life for God's sake.
Also, some of the stuff that't callbacks won't make sense.
Ardill is a wonderful man with a unique mind. Ardill O'Hanlon the wonderful special
guest. What a way to round out the tour. Look ending it in Dublin with Ardill O'Hanlon
who could ask for anything more? Exactly and the secret ingredient was
raisins slash cocaine which we are reliably informed and we should know
really is a Father Ted reference. Yeah well listen, this Dublin crowd, they knew every single detail from Father Ted.
So even people like you and I, who've obviously watched Father Ted.
And love it.
Love it. Watched it more than once.
Yeah.
Didn't know all those references. Like they knew everything.
And everything about all of Adel's work I'd say.
Yes, yeah they had a lot of suggestions for secret ingredients
Um, but we did land on raisins slash cocaine. So hopefully Ardell will not say raisins slash cocaine
Let's have a listen. It's it's sad to say it's the final live episode
But we'll be back next week, of course with the normal recorded episode. Yeah, but very exciting
Here we go. Uh Off Menu Menu Live of Arthur
Hamlin.
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the... Oh, okay. Okay. Gives me a bit more time to plan what I'm gonna say.
Taking the mushroom soup of conversation.
The turbot of humor.
The triple fried chips of conversation.
The cider of the internet.
And the knickerbucker glory of giggles.
It's the off-menu podcast Tony Wood
style Tony Wood style he's taking his coat off he's staying Tony Wood style Tony
Woods has taken his coat off but he's left his scarf on Tony Wood style
we'll have that scarf off before the end, Tony Woods. That's a gamble, that's Tony Woods. My name is James A. Castor.
Together we own a drink restaurant. Tony Woods didn't own it.
By the way, the audience who listen to this podcast
will not hear the first half, so this is going to be fucking weird.
Yeah.
Who the hell is Tony Woods?
Does he mean Tiger Woods? Is Tiger Woods the guest?
That might be your other son.
He let you down by not being a piano tuner.
Just let people listen and he's just going,
what the fuck, I'm turning this episode off.
That's it, my name is James J. Castle.
Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week
we invite in a guest and ask them their favourite ever
starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink.
Not in that order and this week
I guess
You come to Dublin you bag oh Hanlon, but you know, it's gone right first email straight to what I had them first reply
Yes gone right. First email straight to O'Hanlon, first reply, yes. You'll be happy to hear it was yes. We know the secret ingredient already of course. Keep that in your heads. So let's kick off. This
is the off-menu menu of Arnold O'Hanlon. I
Loved it though. Yeah, no one's done stun before this was Fiddler on the roofoof. James, what you doing? Sorry. Yes.
The genie has to make a proper entrance, Hardell, you understand.
Now, would you like to rub the lamp to get the genie out of the lamp?
Of course.
Please, you must approach the lamp and give it a little rub.
Oh.
Here we go.
Oh!
Oh, the power!
Welcome, Martel O'Hanlon, to the Dream Restaurant.
We've been expecting you for some time.
Thank you, Genie.
It is so fabulous to be at the Dream Restaurant finally,
in front of Mr. Cum and all his friends.
LAUGHTER
Mr. Cum and the rest of the Cum family.
And all his friends.
James, you wouldn't have seen that because you were the Jeannie in the lamp there,
but Ardell rubbed his bottom on the lamp to get the Jeannie out.
I thought that felt weird.
That hasn't happened before.
Yes, it felt powerful.
Yeah.
It's rare that it rubbed.
To summon a genie.
It's a rare opportunity.
So you thought you'd use your bottom?
Yes.
I use my bottom for other things as well.
It's multi-function.
Do you want to take us through all the functions before we kick off?
No. I use my bottom for other things as well. It's multifunction
Do you want to take us through all the functions before we?
You sure
Pretty pretty sure it's learned up front page news if you do picking up stuff off the floor
And there's a you know the other stuff that'd be very useful if your arm stopped working. Yeah
Piece of off the floor of your ass
Just nonsense to anyone listening to this just
Suppose it is true though. Did it work for the editor? Yeah
Poor old Benito would you call yourself a foodie, Ardell?
Well, yeah, yes, I like food.
I like, you know, touching it and...
LAUGHTER
And eating it as well.
I am a food eater and I like...
LAUGHTER
And then I like going into a dark room afterwards
and, you know thinking
about it. I think I have a good think about the food after to the dark room. My day does revolve around it.
Yes I love food, yes. So you touch it, you like touching it. I love touching it.
What's your favorite food to touch? I would say it is, I love garlic. I love the
smell of garlic on my fingers.
Yeah, really? Yeah, I don't eat garlic, I just like smelling it. I love smelling food
and eating it and touching it. Yeah, when you've chopped, when you've chopped garlic,
yes, it is nice, I forget that I've chopped garlic, so I'll make the meal.
And then later on, I'll scratch my nose and be like, what the fuck is that?
So you're saying that you chop garlic and then throughout the day, you'll be smelling
your fingers.
Not deliberately smelling them, but if I have a little scratch, then I'm like, what the
hell is that?
Yes.
Are you doing that in public?
And it brings you back? I guess I'm doing it in public. I mean
You know you pick up a reputation
The finger sniffer. No, I just I just get some really cool man coming out to me going. Yeah me at all
I'm like
Love chopping garlic. I guess brother. I also like chopping
Chilies and to you. Yes. I love that and some people like you garlic, I guess, whoever. I also like chopping chilies. Do you? Yes, I love that.
And some people like, you know, and then you scratch your eye and you get upset.
Yeah.
I don't mind that.
You like scratching your eye, you like that?
After eating the chilies.
Yes, I like that.
I like food.
It's all about the senses, isn't it?
You know, that's one of the senses, pain.
Yeah. So, yeah, I love that.
I did that and picked my nose once after I chopped a chili and I had to... That was not
nice. I had to basically sit there with a pint of water, snorting a pint of water for
the rest of the evening.
But you know, I'm a little bit older than you. So you want food to be interesting and you want an experience
every time you eat. Like I don't eat for out of necessity anymore. I don't really
have to. I just eat for like to get sensations. So you just you just want to
feel something. I want to feel full and pain and other stuff as well. So you just you just want to feel something I want to feel full. Yeah, I'm pain and
Other other stuff as well. So you're saying when I get older, I'll enjoy the feeling of like a painful nostril after I get a chili
Yeah, you just want to feel something. Yeah, God's sake. I'm alive
So you just yeah, you see some people my arm a bit hungry but're like, it's been a while since I've had a sensation.
Yes, but that would be exactly it.
And then that's what you know.
Yeah, so, so, so yes, touching and smelling.
And, and, and, you know, rubbing, rubbing food on myself.
Well, we'll see later on, maybe at the end of the menu,
we'll check, you know, which bits you'd like to rub on yourself,
which bits you'd like to touch. Yeah. which bits you'd like to touch, which bits you'd like to smell.
Do you feel like you've pinched yourself into a corner you can't get out of here, Ardell?
Yeah, yeah I do, yeah. I feel boxed in.
I think you've got all the senses to choose from.
Yeah, I only know three of them.
You think one of them is painful.
I don't like looking at food.
God, no.
The sight of food makes me sick.
Well, you can't look at it.
You just rub chilies in your eyes straight away.
Have you ever had a mishap chopping?
I have, yeah.
Yeah, I have.
I did that terrible thing where you're not
supposed to chop the carrot when it's vertical.
Did you know that?
You're not supposed to chop a carrot when it's vertical.
When it's vertical. I you know that? You're not supposed to talk about when it's vertical. When it's vertical.
I did know that, actually.
Yes.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know I knew that, but now you said it.
I do know that, yeah.
Yeah.
So I've done that, and I've cut whole swathes off my finger.
Oh, avocados as well.
Sorry, I have another question about that.
So when it was vertical, did you put the,
because obviously carrots taper towards the end.
Yes.
Did you put the fat end on the chopping board, or did you,
and please don't end this video.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes, I had the fat end, but here's the thing.
It was free standing.
You didn't hold on to it?
My arm wasn't working.
So I had to just like, let's say that was the carrot, that can of water on the table
for people who are listening,
who are using that particular sense.
Oh, you must be jealous of that.
He's got all the senses now.
Which brings me on to listening to food, hearing food.
That is one of the great things about the whole eating experience.
Yes.
Yes, I love the sound of food. I love it.
Apart from, oh well, you know, fizzy water, I don't like the sound of that.
Right.
It's sinister.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Evil, I would go as far as to say.
It is evil.
You know, you've heard it.
Yeah, I've heard it.
You know what it sounds like.
I never trusted it.
So, I love the sound of other food, though.
Can you elaborate?
Well, crunchy food. Crunchy you elaborate? Well, crunchy food.
Crunchy food?
I only eat crunchy food.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I mean, most people like crunchy food.
I mean, that's the whole point of it, isn't it?
I don't give a shit about the taste, but as long as it's crunchy.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Carrots is like that.
Yes, or sprouts. Raw sprouts, they're horrible, but like it's crunchy. Yeah yeah yeah. Carrots are horrible but like they're crunchy.
Yeah. Ice like whatever. Crunch the ice. You like the sound of the crunch as you click through your
thumb. Crisps are the greatest food of all. Yes. Because of the sound. Purely because of the sound.
Yeah. What your favorite brand of crisps? Remember where you are?
Oh yes, there's a crowd called O'Donnell's crisps in Ireland.
Really good crisps.
You're supposed to say Tato in Ireland, but that's not absolutely essential.
There are two rival Tato's in Ireland, which mirrors the political situation in this country.
There is Southern Irish Tato Crisps, they have a theme park. Ireland, which mirrors the political situation in this country.
There is Southern Irish Tato Crisps.
They have a theme park. Yeah, that's how that's how important they are to the Irish economy.
You have Northern Irish Tato Crisps.
And here's the thing. OK, fair enough.
They're they're they're not as good as the Southern Irish.
But but and this is absolutely true, where tato crisps are manufactured in Northern Ireland
is literally the ancestral home of the O'Hanlon clan, of which I am a part.
Yes, there's O'Hanlon, no one gives a shit here about that.
They were stunned by that.
They were like, what the?
I am the rightful heir to Northern Irish Tato Crisps.
And if there were any good, I'd take myself up on that.
Oh.
So what happened with the carrot?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, well, obviously, it was freestanding.
Yes, obviously.
I used a knife.
I didn't have a carving knife.
Yeah. As you would traditionally use for a tarot.
I was planning to carve it. We were having it for a Sunday lunch.
I think they're used for cutting off mouse tails.
What kind of knife did you use?
I used an ordinary table knife. A little...
A butter knife? Like a...
You could use it for buttering if you wanted.
Yeah, just a normal for your dinner.
What?
Just a dinner knife, for your dinner.
Just an ordinary dinner knife, with, yes.
Not even a steak knife.
Not even a steak knife.
It was the only knife to handle.
How old were you when this happened?
What?
How old were you, I was...
I was 42.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, blunt knife.
Blunt knife, freestanding carrot, carnage. So anyway, I like touching
food. Now I think we already know the answer to this, but what we always start
with still or sparkling water. Now you've already said sparkling, you don't
trust it. I don't like it, don't like bubbles. Don't like the sound.
Does that go for all bubbly drinks?
Yes, I don't even like champagne.
I love most drinks.
Sometimes I have to drink it, which is fine.
Oh, it's a hard life, isn't it?
But I don't choose it.
I don't like it.
Sometimes one has to drink champagne.
I know, I just have to drink it.
It's so boring.
But I genuinely don't like bubbles because of the...
Part of the sound, but I don't like any bubbles.
I don't like bubbles in the air or...
I don't even like aero bars.
I mean, I just hate bubbles.
Fuck them.
I think of you as quite a fun-loving, lovely, relaxed man. I would never expect the words fuck bubbles to come out of your mouth.
It's probably the only time I've ever used that word.
That's how much I fucking hate bubbles.
What about when you stand on bubble wrap?
Well, yes, I enjoy killing bubbles, if that's what you mean.
That's when you get to have them.
I don't just stand on them, like I jump on them, I headbutt them.
I stab them.
With a butter knife.
Which is pointless.
Come on.
What?
But yeah, so still.
So you're still water guy.
Still water guy.
But I don't care about water.
I mean, I know it's got its uses and stuff like that.
Irrigation and that sort of shit.
But I don't really care about it.
What I am really interested in is, well,
the temperature is important.
But more importantly is the glass.
So I'm really interested in the heft of a glass,
that kind of thing.
That would be more important than the actual liquid
in the glass. It would be the, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah. Like that would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass.
It would be the, you know, like that's too thin.
Like this little, this is a thin can of water
for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand.
Oh, be careful with the mic in that case.
Yeah.
And it's too thin.
So it's not, there's no pleasure to be had in holding this can.
You know, the temperature is fine. I've heard that before. Yeah.
So, like that would, if I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like
tennis elbow or something. Yeah. Because you're using extra muscles to to
get a good grip on it sure so you want something with a bit of weight you want
when you pick it up weight is important yes good point and and heft I don't know
if heft is the right word to describe like girth gir Girth. Girth. Girth, heft, weight.
That's what you would like.
In that order.
So you've got those glass...
Do you know those glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them?
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
When it's like...
Almost like a whiskey glass.
...glass stops, but then it just comes on a big chunk of glass at the bottom.
Yeah.
No, I like that.
I mean, the point of Guinness Glass is the perfect class. Right. Absolutely, they know, they know. And because it's also got that thing that, that
like the little bulge about three quarters of the way up, which is a good, a good feature.
So girth, heft, weight and a little bulge three quarters of the way up.
Yeah, that's about all you need.
And the lip, the lip is important.
That is not too thin a lip.
Because again, that doesn't channel the water into the right areas of the mouth.
It channels it onto your shirt.
And that's useless.
Yeah.
Forks are important as well.
So, like, again, the whole, like, eating is fine.
Like, okay, you know.
Yeah, prefer touching, yeah.
Prefer touching, but also prefer, like, Again, I think it's maybe getting older like my main interest that dinner will be the the heft of the of the cutlery
Like we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago and this is absolutely true
So I got last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present. I got this amazing cutlery
Like it is the best cutlery ever. So you bought that for your wife? Yeah. Okay.
Lucky girl. Yeah. I just imagine you handing it over to her.
Look at the heft on that. Even more than me, she loves design. I mean she's got
some outlandish cutlery in her collection, which she keeps in a
different room than my cutlery collection. So like she got
these forks which are like,
they look nice, but they're terrible. Now look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife
in a public forum, but I feel she needs to know. And we're not good on one-to-one.
But we have these forks at home, like there's only three tines.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, it's a lot of...
And two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two.
And they curve outwards.
So literally you can't pierce anything.
There is no food that I know of that you can actually pierce.
So what's that fork for? They turn in everything dirty Arnold. Like
it's for maybe lifting hay or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like it's not
for... Whereas the forks I got are, which she's very happy with by the way, they're
not just forks, they have a companion knife and spoon. That's good. And they're like, so you know, brutalism in architecture, right? These
are brutalist. So it's a Dutch designer called Maarten Haas. Loads of A's in that. I think
there's about five A's in his first name and about four in his second name. Okay, Martin Haas. He is these amazing cutlery
zests. Oh, anyway, still are sparkling, was the question.
It's the most cutlery chat we've had, but it's important.
Well I'm surprised you don't talk about it more. So, oh yeah Oh, yeah. So I was at this dinner party, and I literally,
the next morning, I was really embarrassed.
Like, I literally went around to everyone at the table,
because no one ever remarks in the cutlery,
and we're always furious the next morning.
They say, oh, yeah, the dinner is lovely.
My wife's an amazing cook.
And they said they're always going on
about the fucking food and everything.
And they never mention the cutlery.
So at this dinner party, I was going, what do you think of that?
I was just one of those guys going around.
You see it there and I look.
Maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like
it's imperfect.
So there's like there's four tines in the proper, you know, and there's a stem.
Yeah.
You're talking through the fork.
Yeah. But like each of the tines is kind of like slightly weird.
You know, it's...
Like little wiggly tines.
Yeah, and then, but the weight is the important thing.
It's just perfect.
Like sometimes...
Sometimes I literally, it's not even mealtime
and I will go to the cutlery drawer.
Yeah, when I should be working. Yeah. And I will literally just walk around with the fork.
It's feeling the weight of it. Yeah, yeah. And the knife is like a saw. It's a really good knife.
If a burglar came in, which one would you reach for first?
Well, here's the thing.
If a burglar come in, I wouldn't know.
And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see,
we're very interested in design in our house.
And my wife, again, it's none of your business.
Yeah.
Again, it's none of your business. Yeah
Yes
The more you mention her the more I suspect she doesn't exist
It's just your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on. Yeah, but she buys my darling So she loves lamps. Yes almost as much as she likes cutlery. Yeah, but she knows your wife likes cutlery
Yes. Almost as much as she likes cutlery.
Yeah.
But she will know if your wife likes cutlery.
So she buys lamps that don't throw any light.
So our house is really dark.
Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely.
So it's always design over functionality.
And that's a source of contention.
And literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps.
So you wouldn't know which one to get.
You wouldn't even know. It might as well be a hat stand.
It might even be a hat stand with a lampshade on it.
Like, there's no... There's literally no light.
There could be squatters living in my house.
I wouldn't know.
This angle explains why you began the show by rubbing your arse on a lamp.
Yes.
Pappadoms or bread?
Pappadoms or bread?
Pappadoms or bread?
Pappadoms or bread?
Oh, yeah, I'm going to go pappadoms.
And you know why.
It's the crunch.
Yeah, of course.
Why do we expect anything else? Of course it's the crunch. Yeah, of course. Why do we expect anything else?
Of course it's the crunch.
I would, if the bread was crunchy, I would consider it.
And but bread, it doesn't really agree with me.
So I'm...
Toasted.
What?
Toasted.
Toasted.
For the crunch.
I never thought of that.
No, my wife bought a toaster that looks nice.
But you can see your reflection, and you
can brush your hair in it.
It's really shiny, stainless steel,
but it doesn't fucking toast.
Yeah, no joy.
No joy.
I would go poppadoms probably.
And like most people, I would eat too many poppadoms
at the beginning of a meal and ruin everything,
depending on the tips.
So because you love touching food and you love the crunch,
so with a stack of poppadoms, are you smashing?
Are you smashing them up with your hands?
Yeah, I would.
Sometimes I bring a little hammer.
Yeah.
Lovely design.
Just a little tap, tap, tap. Martin Haas hammer. Yeah, Martin Haas hammer. Yeah. Lovely design. Just a little tap, tap, tap.
Martin Haas hammer. Yeah, Martin Haas hammer.
Nice grip.
Do you ever walk around the house with your
Puppadom hammer? I do, of course.
Burger comes in. Fill that.
Fill the way up.
Cap yourself to the toaster.
Yeah.
But I don't love Puppadoms either.
But I would't I don't love Papa Dom's either but I would I
Would I would for the crunch I would have them I do love skips
Someone shows her skips are a big thing in our house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean in this course
You know, it's poppies or bread, but people in the past have picked other things. Is that allowed? Yeah, that is allowed So if you say skips are a big thing in your house
Which we will get into more detail about but if you would like skips instead of poppadoms or bread
I'm sure you can have a big bag of skips
Okay, I'm gonna go for that. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Do you want the skips to be the size of poppadoms?
Yeah
Yeah, Is this allowed? Yeah. It's the last night of the tour. Fuck it, Ardell. Best restaurant in the world. Yeah, exactly. That's what we're here to provide. Yeah.
Thank you. We want you to have the best experience possible. So if you have the skip-sized poppadoms,
the poppadom-sized skips. Sorry, Adam. Poppadom-sized skips. Yeah.
Sorry.
Don't bring him skips-sized poppadoms.
No.
Then that's a lot.
And you don't need any dips.
I mean, they're perfect.
They're just, they are perfect.
They're a perfect food stuff.
The skips are?
Yeah.
Perfect food stuff.
They've got protein with the prawns and they've got,
you know, the carbohydrates and the other thing.
What is the other thing?
Vitamin D.
Yes, the food pyramid.
I don't know that.
Yeah.
How many skips are you getting through in your house?
A large bag a day.
Really?
Yeah.
Not just me.
No, everyone dips in.
You just open a bag at the beginning of the game.
Yeah, they're left out.
So how many people's that?
We've got you, your wife, the burglar.
The squatters.
And the other people, the squatters, yes.
Yes, I did notice a lot of the skips had gone missing.
Yeah, my daughter's there.
One of my daughters lives there at the moment,
and my son doesn't live there.
He lives in Galway, and my other daughter lives in Australia.
So there you go.
You have it all now.
Is that it?
Do you need to know anything else?
That's all we want.
We just want everyone's family details,
and then it's the end of the episode.
Which one of them
Do you love the most?
Well, one of them's in Australia, so not her obviously not her
I love I love them all either
Let's get into your menu properly, your dream starter, Ardell.
Dream starter, well, are pre-starters allowed?
Yeah, I expect that.
Is that a common?
Is that common?
Well, yes, oysters, obvious.
Yeah, oysters.
Love that.
It's one of the best things in life, an oyster.
How many oysters do you reckon you could get through?
I know the answer to that.
Actually, last year, myself and my wife,
we were in North America.
I was doing a show in a place called Canton in Massachusetts.
And there was a bit of trouble.
The public transport wasn't working properly,
and it was impossible to get an Uber or anything.
And I was staying in Boston.
So this man called Frank was at the audience, in the audience.
He offered us a lift back to Boston and we went brilliant.
And it turns out Frank owns a really nice restaurant.
And he phoned ahead and he said, what do you like?
And we said oysters.
We like all this stuff as well, but that was the first thing
that came into our heads, oysters.
You can't say skips at that point, can you?
No.
No.
It would be unsophisticated.
So Frank, this is absolutely true.
Frank had laid out 50 oysters on top of the counter.
So the restaurant was closed by the time we got back to Boston.
And there was just a few staff around cleaning up.
But they'd left out loads of food for us.
Frank was an extraordinarily generous man.
So there was like, I would say, 60 oysters, actually.
Myself and my wife had 24 each, I would imagine.
Two for Frank?
Yeah, some greedy bastard took the other 12.
I bet that was quite the night for you and your wife after all those oysters.
Ah.
I'm sorry, Ardell.
It's okay. It's okay.
I mean, it was a good night because we talked about oysters afterwards.
How much we loved them.
Yes, I love oysters and yeah, yeah, wonderful.
I love my wife as well.
I was planning to give one word answers tonight.
You've got to say that you love your wife.
What are you putting on the oysters because there's obviously like the shallot sort of
vinegar stuff and you can put Tabasco, lemon, how are you loading up? What? Because there's obviously the shallot sort of vinegar stuff,
and you can put Tabasco, lemon, how are you loading up?
What's the classic Ardell oyster?
And did Frank provide all of the accoutrement as well?
Frank just waves a hand and oysters arrive.
He has some way of, I don't know how he conjures up the oysters.
But I would go minimal.
Yeah.
Yeah, because you want to taste the sea and hear the sea.
Of course.
Yes.
Holding an oyster shell up to your ear.
Holding an oyster shell, exactly.
And talking to the oyster.
I don't know, listening to it and smelling it.
So minimal.
A shallot would be about the limit and vinegar, red wine vinegar or something.
That would be about it.
I have a friend who has an oyster shucker.
People in Dublin will know there's a suburb called Ranala.
It's kind of like Hampstead or something in London.
You know, it's sort of, it's a bit, hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, got you. Yeah.
And I have a friend who lives in Ranla and he said a very Ranla thing.
One day I was in his house having a cup of tea or something
and he was putting things away and he said, Oh God, there's my oyster shucker.
Like that would be a Ranla thing to say.
To have your own oyster shucker.
Yes.
I have two.
Have you?
Would you prepare your own oysters?
Have done in the past.
That's why I bought the shucker, but now I use it to open parcels.
Of more oyster shuckers.
What's the handle like with the oyster shucker?
It is girthy.
Is it?
It is very girthy, but it's dangerous. I'm like you with chopping things
I shouldn't be trusted. So when you've got to try and open an oyster, it is it almost always ends in blood
Yeah, so I don't do it anymore. Yeah, do you would you use both hands?
when you're
To chuck an oyster. Yeah, it wouldn't be a freestanding oyster. Okay
Just be sort of chasing it across the table
standing oyster. Just be sort of chasing it across the table.
Fertile oyster.
Yeah.
So that's your pre-starter.
Yeah.
You're having 24 oysters.
What's the start?
What's that tier you up for?
I would go scallops, I think.
We're just working our way around the sea here.
I'm just very mercury deficient and
little plastic bag deficient as well. No, I love scallops. Yeah. And my wife does a
thing with scallops like... People are now just laughing at the mention of your wife.
Oh yeah, she's funny. Remember, if you bring up your wife you do have to end the anecdote with,
and I love my wife. Yeah well I mean this is one of the reasons why I do love her is because the
the scallops she does are great. She puts them on black pudding. Oh yeah yeah yeah anything with
black pudding is just yeah everything is instantly improved by putting black pudding. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anything with black pudding is just,
everything is instantly improved by putting black pudding
in there.
Clonicilty black pudding would be the one.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
There are the cork people, you see.
What the fuck was that?
This is one of the big things in cork,
is the Clonicilty black pudding.
Some would say the only thing, but I wouldn't.
I wouldn't say that.
No, you wouldn't say that. You wouldn't say that.
You wouldn't say that.
You've not said that.
So the scallop resting on the disk of black pudding,
yeah, with the minty pea puree underneath that,
just to give it a little bit of fix it, I suppose, into place.
So it's purely structural, the pea.
Purely structural.
In fact, it's really all about the architecture.
Yeah.
And then on top of that, here's the little, here's our special twist, is a fried quail's
egg on each thing.
Whoa.
Yeah.
I love your wife.
How about that for a wife?
How about that for a wife. I wish I'd said that on my wedding day when we'd done the vows. So yeah, so that's
a pretty good thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. What a dish. And how many times have you had that?
Is this like a special occasions thing?
Well, I mean, yeah, it would be kind of a dinner party speciality.
So once every seven years.
No, it would be regular enough.
But obviously if the same people are back, you can't give them that.
I don't know.
If I'd been to your house for a dinner party and had that I'd be like can I have that again if I
came over yeah yeah can we get the good forks out as long as you mention the
forks yeah oh first thing I do invite it back if people are wondering why they're
not invited back to my house that's the reason it's they just don't compliment
the cutlery yeah I love the little quails that how many would you get on a portion?
Yeah, the three the standard three. Yeah, although I have noticed in restaurants. They're down to two and a lot of restaurants
Yeah, two scallops. Yeah suspicious. Yeah, where's that third one gone? I don't know you tell me
What's going on? I
Mean three is the minimum.
Yeah. Any more than three is probably too many.
So... It's the time...
Yeah, if there was four, I'd be like...
Four, I'd give it back. Yeah.
It's awful that this is the first time three comedians realize that there's a cost of living crisis.
It first hit me hard when they went down to two scallops.
I knew something had happened.
So I said to the waiter, come here boy!
Can you count to three?
Take them away!
Three quail's eggs is great because that is three...
No, no, no, there's only one quail egg per person.
It's three scallops per person, three discs of black pudding from Clannachilty per person.
One big lump of pea puree.
And oh, sorry, there will be a little disk of fried apple.
Wow.
As well.
How's that for a wife?
Great.
One quail's...
Okay, that's fine.
Yeah.
I was just going to...
I would really enjoy getting three opportunities to split the yolk.
Yeah, but we've only got one quail.
You can't overwork that poor guy.
No, no, just doing our best.
You used to have three quails, of course.
Sad times.
It's a living crisis.
We can't afford three quails.
Yeah, you could have.
I mean, it's so dark in your house.
There could be three quails knocking around you and you wouldn't know
That's delicious. Nothing that sounds amazing. Yeah, so far. This is a very delicious miss making very hungry 24 oysters
Yeah, yeah, we had oysters yesterday every time I have oysters. I do think
This could be the day that one really makes me ill. Yeah, and I was worried yesterday
We we did have some oysters and I was panicking, I'm gonna turn up to the show.
But isn't that part of the attraction?
Well, I forgot, yeah, definitely for you.
It's the risk. It's like...
Evil can evil over here.
It'd be like, you know the puffer fish?
The puffer fish, if you eat the wrong bit, you die instantly.
I know that because of The Simpsons. What?
There's an episode in the Simpsons, I believe, so that's how I know that.
Yeah, that's how I know that too.
There were some things that I only know because they're in the Simpsons.
And what is that?
You eat a puff of fish, you could die.
I've never had one, but I would like to try one.
I mean, eventually.
Yeah, I imagine you'd love to try it.
Well, that would make you feel alive, wouldn't it?
It would, for a while. Yeah
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So Dream Maincourse, what we're moving towards. Yeah, well it's all downhill from here.
I mean, that's my favourite part of the meal is all that bit.
I'm really starters are your favourite?
Starters and pre-starters and then I'm kind of already like feeling really queasy like
so I was kind of hoping you'd help me with the main course.
Okay.
I mean I have like, okay I love roast, so that would be definitely roast beef and,
you know, all the stuff that goes with that.
But...
So what help do you need?
I need help with...
Because this is a dream restaurant.
Yes.
So, I suppose I do consider myself quite adventurous when it comes to food, so I'm always looking
for a new sensation.
I was in Hong Kong recently, as recently as a few days ago,
which is possibly why I'm rambling in the way I am.
And I had something I had never tried before, stink beans.
Stink beans.
Stink beans.
So they're, yeah, they're beans, they're like a broad bean,
or a net of mame type of thing, that's the shape of them, but they're stinky and they taste like
kind of foul, but in a good way, you know, it's kind of like a fermented, sort of a mad,
and the taste stays with you for a really long time. Like I'm still I can still taste it
So is that you want stink beans are you saying that's the level of adventurous yet
But nobody loved it because it was new and I couldn't believe it and I thought for a few minutes like this is my favorite
Food ever. I just want to eat stink beans for the rest of my life
You know because it was it was new and I thought like I thought like I wouldn't be able to taste something new
Yeah, you know and I had dur wouldn't be able to taste something new.
Yeah.
You know, and I had durian fruit as well. Have you had that?
Oh yeah, that's a stinky fruit.
Yeah, I've not had it properly. I think I've had durian flavored ice cream before.
Okay.
But that's the fruit that's banned on public transport, right?
Yes, and rightly so. And you have to wear plastic gloves when you eat it.
And you have to be outside when you're eating it because of the smell of it.
And like it's
It's absolutely overpowering, but it's an amazing taste sensation. It's really fleshy like it's like a liver or something. Yeah
But a yellow mango colored liver liver
It's amazing like as soon as like in this meal as soon as your wife leaves it stinks like shit. Stinky beans. Just stinky beans and gloves on the outside.
It's the stinkiest guy in the world. Yeah anyway I want you to help me just with
the main course like okay roast beef will be there you know we've got we'll
fall back on that if you can't help me but it's a dream restaurant is there
something that I haven't had that maybe you guys have had
that you would recommend?
I mean, I'm a genie, obviously.
I can make you anything, create you new stuff.
If you like beef, but you also want something new,
I can make you stinky beef.
Oh.
We can invent a type of roast dinner that stinks.
Stinky beef.
Yeah.
And that would satisfy both of you.
Yeah.
Something familiar.
So fermented beef or something. Yeah. Something familiar.
So, fermented beef or something.
Yeah, just like really stinky.
You've got to eat it, not even outside, you've got to eat it like on an oil rig.
You can't be anywhere near land.
You've got to be totally alone as well.
You can't be around other people.
Yeah.
You've got to go to an oil rig and eat your stinky beef.
And you've got to wear like a full hazmat suit.
Yeah.
It's just got a straw coming out of it that you've got to feed the stinky beef into. suit. Yeah. Yeah, it's just got a straw coming
out of it that you've got to feed the stinky beef into. Oh god, how do you get it up the straw?
Tip your head back like a pelican eating a fish. Suck like bejaises. Yeah, yeah, yeah, suck like bejaises.
Suck that. And it stinks real bad and And like you're going to get a
test.
I was already, I don't know if
anyone knows, I was already
practicing sucking up an
imaginary straw there.
And if you touch it, it sticks
to your fingers like garlic.
What would give it the stink?
What sort of stink?
Well, yeah, well, what would,
how would you prepare the beef
that would, that would make it
the required level of stink?
It's the cut of beef is from prepare the beef that would make it the required level of sting.
The cut of beef is from specifically the...
Right, okay.
...bott hole.
Yeah.
And we just follow it along all the way to the stomach, but it's just that whole root.
And it's so tender.
It's really tender.
So that is the straw, essentially. Yeah. Yeah, it's essentially the straw
Yeah, yeah, it's a straw. Yeah, we carved that out
Like literally less than a second after the cow has had a shit
so
And we carve it out so delicately that we can remove it and the cow can carry on living. Yes
It's just got a slightly bigger canal. Okay. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah
You've never had it. I'm going back to my original
We've watched it but it still stinks because it was so fresh that it had the turd
Yeah, and it's the taste stays with you for a year. Yeah a calendar year
So I for a calendar year. Yeah, and you have it with just all the usual trimmings. Okay, I'll have that
I love that. I love it. I love it. I
Trust you. I don't know why but I trust both of you. Yeah, it'd be a new experience. Yeah
Yeah, definitely think so bad and it would be familiar because it's like roast beef, it's your favorite meal. Oh god, yeah.
Could, yeah.
I mean if you don't want it, you don't have to have it.
No, no, no, I'll have it if you don't want it.
I'll have it because I pride myself on being adventurous.
Yes.
I'll eat, you know, you've got to try everything.
So I'll be the first person in the world to try that.
Yeah.
Also, all the cow has been eating is stinky beans.
That's all it's been eating, endurian fruit.
It's just been eating that.
That's all it's been fed for like a really long time.
Okay.
Like ages.
It's growing on me, definitely.
Yeah, yeah, it works.
Do you want the trimmings with the roast beef to be normal trimmings or do you want them
to be stinky trimmings?
Well, in this case, yes.
I want it to be very normal.
Normal trimmings.
Normal is possible.
So what are the dream trimmings?
What are we having with it?
Well, I would go cauliflower cheese sauce.
Big thing for me.
Cauliflower cheese sauce?
Yeah, really big thing for me.
So just the sauce?
No, cauliflower with cheese sauce. Or cheese sauce big thing for just the sauce. No, no cauliflower with cheese sauce
Or cheese sauce with cauliflower, whichever you prefer
But you know why I got mixed up right no cauliflower
Cauliflower cheese. I say it too hard
I was really clear. I mean I would I couldn't have any clearer ed cauliflower comma cheese sauce
That's cauliflower cheese cauliflower cheese and then we all know what it is.
Well, if I said steak chips, like, you know...
No, that's not the name of the dish, is it? Cauliflower cheese is the name of the dish.
That's cauliflower with cheese sauce.
I was eliding. I was like, you know, I could have said, I could have put in the and,
but for time, we've already gone over time.
Well, I was I was abbreviating.
Well, bad luck, because it it's gonna be stinky cauliflower now
I'll do me I
One of my big achievements in recent years it possibly my biggest achievement ever actually was I am I did sauerkraut I made sauerkraut
Say you what okay, yeah good I
Just think you've had bigger achievements, I'm sure.
Honestly, honestly.
You made sauerkraut.
Yeah.
Well, I consider it to be my biggest achievement.
Yeah.
I have enough.
I mean, honestly, like it's, you know, I'm Irish,
so you tend to, like, you know, nothing's good enough.
But, uh. Yeah, I think someone just cheered you being Irish, too.
Oh, my god, you see?
But yeah, the sauerkraut was a witch that's fermented.
And it's kind of stinky.
And it's like, I just like, it felt great making it.
When you say it felt great. It felt great because you actually have to put a huge amount of effort making it. You know. When you say it felt great.
It felt great because you actually have to put a huge amount of effort into it.
It's a physical effort because, I mean, there's the cutting of the cabbage.
Yeah.
Which is freestanding.
Obviously.
Yeah.
With a razor on this occasion because you've got to cut it really, really thinly.
Like Goodfellas.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's where I got the idea for the razor.
Yeah, they don't do it with a cabbage, from memory. This is the Irish version. Good lads.
Good lads. They just cook it with a razor. Mulfin. That's right. But when you cut the cabbage and you think it's thin enough, it's not,
so you've got to really shred it,
but then you've got to squeeze it for hours, days.
Like, you've got to knead the cabbage to get all the juice out of it.
Which is right up your street. That's just touching, isn't it?
It's just hard touching.
Honestly, so that in itself was an achievement.
But I spent, like spent literally seven hours just kneading
cabbage, just squeezing it and squeezing it and making that noise.
In the dark as well. Yeah. In the dark.
Stood on the quail.
We're another quail down.
And yeah, it was a big day for me.
So cauliflower and cheese sauce.
Yeah, cauliflower and cheese sauce.
Sprouts.
Yeah.
And I'd go for sprouts.
But that might be a side.
Oh, I mean we can move on to your side dish if you want.
Or can we just do both together?
Yeah, let's do both.
Yeah, yeah, let's do both.
The trimmins and the side dish.
Okay, so sprouts.
Yes.
Roasted in the oven with parmesan and balsamic.
Nothing else.
Lovely.
Yeah, gorgeous.
Thank you.
You've got to roast them.
You've got to roast them.
This is why sprouts got a bad rep. Yeah, because people were boiling them
Yeah, I mean, I know there's a bit of rehabilitation going on with the sprouts is there I think so
I think so I want to be at the Vanguard. I want to
Promote sprouts sprouts were canceled or what before cancel culture existed sprouts were canceled
Yeah, but now they've posted an apology on their iPhone notes. Yeah, yeah. And they're coming back.
Cabbage, cabbage has seen all the pretenders come and go.
Doesn't it?
It sure has.
Arrrr, Arrrr.
Cabbage.
Sounds like a pirate.
Cabbage.
Cabbage sounds like a pirate?
Yeah.
Have you not known?
I forgot.
I think we need to get the Ardell's wife's phone number ready.
What do you mean it sounds like a
pirate? Like a pirate's name called Cabbage? Well I mean Cabbage... have you
ever looked at the cabbage for like property? Yes, there's a period in my life
where I looked at a lot of cabbages. If I'm honest, Ardell. It wasn't a good time.
But yes, I've looked at It wasn't a good time.
But yes, I've looked at a cabbage.
You have.
Did you ever think that sounds like a pirate?
No.
Didn't cross my mind, and I'm embarrassed to say that now.
So you look at a cabbage.
I just think of it, OK, I don't really think of a cabbage.
This is the first time I've thought of a cabbage
in terms of pirates. And what I meant by that is like, you have all this terrible food, kale and stuff like
that, that have been in fashion for periods of time and they've gone, rightly.
People have realized, what were we thinking. Yeah. Cabbage has been there all along, like smoking a pipe.
Not literally. I'm not being literal here. No, no, no. It's not really a pirate.
Using imagery. I'm using imagery of like the cabbage has been there, like an old
pirate who's not at sea anymore. Not at sea anymore. He's not at sea anymore. He's sitting on the dock of the bay.
Yes.
What's he doing on the dock of the bay?
He's been smug about how he survived famine, shipwreck.
That's a very different song.
Sitting on the dock of the bay, feeling smug that I survived famine and shipwrecked
Sitting on the top of the bay, smoking a pipe
Or, you know, I'm Still Standing is another way of...
That the Cabbage would sing I'm Still Standing
Is another track on the Cabbage album
It's got an album now
It's got an album
Oh God, stop
Err... It's telling yourself to stop. You can release a Christmas album, the cabbage,
you know, a lot of people release Christmas albums, Bradley Walsh, Jason Manford. Why
not a cabbage? Why not a cabbage at this point? It is still standing, sitting on the dock
of the bay. Brussels sprouts, baby cabbages, parmesan, balsamic.
So that's the side dish.
It's just the Brussels sprouts.
But the cabbages are maybe in the.
No, cabbage is just, we just got talking about cabbage.
It's not.
The baby sprouts are the children of the cabbage.
They are.
Well, do you want us, maybe we could prepare a cabbage exactly the same as the Brussels
sprouts.
So you've got like a giant Brussels sprout.
With all the balsamic and the parmesan.
And we've roasted it just right.
Yeah, we could do that.
It would be like a big one of those.
Or could we get like tiny cauliflowers?
Yeah.
We could, I've always thought, I mean tiny cauliflower is just chop a
cauliflower I guess. Yeah, as soon as I said it I thought that too. Because a
cauliflower is basically loads of tiny here to keep it all legit.
But yeah, so sprouts, cauliflower cheese sauce, carrots in some type of honey or, you know.
The honey glaze.
A honey glaze carrot.
Lovely, yeah, roasted.
Yeah, a Yorkie.
The pudding, not the dog.
Yeah.
Let's be clear, because we've been going a bit wild with this one. It's good. Lovely, yeah, roasted. Yeah, a Yorkie. The pudding, not the dog.
Yeah.
Let's be clear, because we've been
going a bit wild with this menu every now and again.
Yeah, I'm glad you checked that, because I was thinking,
yeah, dog or chocolate bar.
Yeah.
Yorkie and chocolate bar, of course.
If you were to rank the Yorkies, the pudding, the chocolate bar,
and the dog.
Or the dog.
Just favorites.
You can apply favorite anyway. It doesn't have to be eating it what would what would order would you
put them in I would I would I put the York Yorkshire pudding first your top
that would be my number one yeah he hates he hates Yorkshire puddings do you
not like Yorkshire pudding don't like him is that because you've never had a good
one because they're very everyone always one? Everyone always says this, but I think I probably have had what people would consider a good one.
But I've said it before and I'll say it again, they take up too much real estate on the plate.
No, they don't though, and if you've listened to the podcast you'll know this has already been disproven.
They take up too much real estate on the plate.
Someone has pointed out that you put the Yorkshire pudding on first,
and everything else can go on top of that.
Or even the small ones, you can put those on top of everything else.
It doesn't take up any real estate.
That does not work anymore then.
Piling up food.
No way, man.
And have you ever had the Yorkshire pudding, which is the size of the plate?
Are we talking about that?
There's that as well, yeah. Which I've had. Which is literally, instead of a plate, you have a Yorkshire pudding.
Not instead of a plate. Yes. You're not spending all that time on cutlery and then not even putting a plate out.
Well, I mean it just, it's a way of containing all the meat and the other stuff.
Yeah, but then you're pouring, I have had that before actually, and then you pour gravy the and the other stuff, but then you're pouring I have had that before And then you put gravy in on the other stuff
And then at some point you have to breach you have to breach the pudding and then all the gravy comes poor
Yeah, but we're shorts. I mean
Said that to me before where shorts good. Yeah, good on you, man. Good on you saying it to him.
How's that for a guest?
Chocolate dog pudding,
that's my ranking.
You go, the pudding lasts, the chocolate
first, and the dog in the middle.
I would go, normally I would put a dog
high up
any list, but I don't
particularly like Yorkies.
It'd be bottom of my list. Yeah, the dog would be bottom of mine
Yeah, the chocolate bar the pudding would be top of mine. Yeah as well. Yeah. Yeah, so I think I don't have the same
Yeah, same rankings. Yeah, we're the same. Yeah
We're the same great buds. Yeah, anything that Ed hates more than your chip but ins is Kerry gold butter. No, that's not
Actually, I fucking do hate actually
Every Irish guess there's no love Kerry gold butter. I think I haven't mentioned it. No, no, no yet
No, we just have all the wait and see
Wait till dessert. What's your dream drink then?
Red wine.
I know.
It's that simple.
Red wine.
Just any red wine?
I'm not fussy.
I've gone through periods where I was more interested in red wine and I spent far too
much money on it, but now I've got the ratio right, like kind of loveliness to cost.
So that is important, that metric.
Yes.
Do you have a favorite at home if you're
buying red wine to have with a roast dinner or something?
Is there a go-to for you?
Yeah, well, it would be a Bordeaux if I was, you know.
I mean, I would, you know, I mean, you know.
All the different ones.
But a Bordeaux would be my favorite.
Cabernet Sauvignon heavy with a Merlot, a touch of Merlot.
And that would, you know.
Left bank.
Left bank.
Yeah.
A bit of a Puyac or something like that.
Lovely.
It's quite expensive.
Yeah.
But no, I don't buy the expensive stuff.
Right.
But where I got a taste for it first was,
I don't know if you ever did this gig in Paris.
There was a gig in Paris years ago.
So he won one night for whatever reason,
he decided to pay me in wine and paintings.
So he had a little gallery.
This is absolutely true.
So he had a little gallery beside.
Paintings were quite nice.
So you kind of went, fair enough, wine and paintings. At least I'm getting something, and so he just said go into the gallery and pick
something there, so we picked a painting which we still hang in our house to this very day, and then
he says come on and get on the back of his scooter. So you're holding a painting at this point.
And bombing through Paris and he brings me to this little, I
don't know what you'd call it.
It was a shop of some sort, but it was a very small,
pokey little shop.
And it was almost one of those we
had to kind of knock on the door while peering around.
And you go in, and they had all these one-off bottles.
And I knew nothing about wine at this stage,
and he was saying, these are the best wines.
So there's one called Chateau Latour,
which is, you know, it's a very famous wine,
costs about a thousand pounds a bottle.
Like this was from 1965 or something.
And you could see it, it's like a lot of it was missing.
Well, some of it was missing through evaporation
or whatever.
And so you have no idea how they were stored or anything, but they were all, I think they
were found in cellars or disused houses.
Like I don't know where they found this stuff, but it was really cheap, like maybe 20 euros.
Wow.
Yeah.
So I got a bottle of that.
And then just having a bottle of that and then reading about it and learning about it
and like kept it for months and months and months. Think, you know, like, oh, God, what occasion will we open this bottle?
And eventually you open it and it's a bit crap because it's really, really old and everything
else.
But then I had another experience where this person I was working with, he was very, very
wealthy and he lived in sort of near Regent's Park and stuff like that.
And he had a wine cellar.
Didn't drink red wine himself, bizarrely, but he had a fantastic cellar.
And we were there for Sunday dinner once, and he said, basically, go down and take whatever
you want for dinner.
And we took a bottle of Chateau de Tour, and it was the most amazing drinking experience
I think I've ever had.
So that was the same wine that you got from the little shop.
Yeah. But this was like proper
Yeah, been looked after like really incredible. I mean, I've only had it once in my life. Yeah. Oh
So we had it but this is a dream restaurant. So oh, yeah, you'll have that dream one again
Thank you enough on the rich man's house. Yeah, not the one with a bit missing
After a gig to, I assume, horrific expats. Oh, no.
Sorry.
Who's the rich man?
Uh...
Everyone's sat there going, look at that rich man.
Who's the rich man? I'm not going to tell you.
Who do we think the rich man could be?
You want to tell us who the rich man is?
Are they Irish? No. English who the rich man is no are they Irish no
English English rich man English rich man
Charles now actually King King Charles the second referred for I don't know
Sorry
Someone who works in the entertainment field, who I worked with once upon a time,
briefly.
King Charles definitely drinks red wine anyway.
Yeah?
Yeah, he's seen his weird fingers.
I met him once.
Did you?
I did, yeah.
I met him once.
I did a play in London years ago called See You Next Tuesday.
It was a farce.
Could have looked at either one of us when you said that. Yeah. London years ago called See You Next Tuesday. It was a farce. And...
Could have looked at either one of us when you said that. Yeah.
Ha ha ha!
See you next Tuesday.
See you next Tuesday, of course.
You'll be familiar.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha!
I was doing See You Next Tuesday.
Yes.
And Prince Charles and Camilla came along one night.
Yes.
Actually, do you know who came the night before?
Roger Moore and Michael Caine.
What?
Came together to the club.
Wow.
Yeah.
They had a dining club, which coincidentally was called
the See You Next Tuesday dining club.
They used to meet once a month on a Tuesday night.
Roger Moore and Michael Caine were in a dining
club called the Cunt Club.
Yeah and they came backstage and they met us all and it was lovely.
And then the next night he was then a mere Prince, Prince Charles and
Camilla came along and he just whispered to me, he said, by the way.
So is this backstage?
This is backstage.
He walked right up to you and started whispering?
Yeah.
Yeah, he doesn't, yeah, he whispers.
It's not that unusual that a member of the royal family would whisper.
Is it?
I would say they spend most of the time at court standing behind curtains whispering.
Yeah, yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Whisper into each other, plotting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what he said to me was, he said, I don't even know why I'm telling you this, it's a shit story.
He just said, he just said, he said, by the way, I love Father Ted.
He said, so that's to his credit, if nothing else.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Uh, he loves Father Ted.
Mm.
Imagine that he knew what see you next Tuesday meant.
Oh, I think he knows.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh, yeah, I just remembered some of the stuff he said
You know the bit I'm thinking of right well the Charles has said yeah, no I
Genuinely don't know not even
Trying to tease this out of you. It was reported that he once said to Camilla on the phone
They were having like a sexy conversation
Do you know this that he wanted to be her tampon.
He whispered that to me as well.
I love Father Ted. Also, before I go, Ardell, I want to be your tampon.
We arrive at your dream dessert then.
Do you mind if I, I like to eat a dessert while the guest is talking, because I love
dessert so much.
Oh yes, go ahead.
Is that okay?
Yes.
Yes.
Feel free to, here it is, a little dessert here for me in a cloud
Now this choice this next choice is very important James
Yeah, I don't know if I can I don't know if I can watch
How's the girth oh my god, it's full
It's full of a cream
Looks I'm sorry about this. I don't I't know this was going to happen when I bit into this. The cream looks exactly like cup.
And some has just dripped out onto my hand.
And it's currently running down.
But it's delicious.
Sorry, Adil.
No, no, you go ahead.
I'm regretted.
Please, watch this up.
Yes, mine involves rhubarb. Watch this up. Yes.
Mine involves rhubarb.
Largely for sentimental reasons, my mother's rhubarb.
I can't say rhubarb very well.
Rhubarb.
There is an extra R in there.
Rhubarb.
Rhubarb.
Rhubarb.
Rhubarb crumble. Rhububarb crumble rhubarb crumble
rhubarb crumble my mother made a fabulous rhubarb she made a really good
crumble yes and I I always loved it I've tried to replicate it myself on
occasion so replicate cause you some trouble there, didn't it? Yeah.
Is this making you nervous?
It is.
I don't like it, I'll be honest with you.
Yeah.
I can tell you don't like it.
I don't like the whole concept.
I mean, you know, nothing against penises.
Or the bun.
That's not a bum.
Do you think, Ardell, do you think's not a bum.
Do you think, Ardell, do you think that's a bum?
A what?
Do you think the things that dangle below your penis are a bum?
I said a bun.
A bun. I thought you said a bum.
No!
I thought you thought the balls were the bum.
That would be a real exclusive.
Ardell O'Hanlon thinks his balls are his bum.
Yes, that would be.
Also, that would be really terrible.
So I've been shitting out my penis all these years.
That would be really weird, alright, just said. Oh Silly me
The detail sorry the detail that I like here is that they have put more of the
Cream in the ball. Yeah
the
Cream in the balls. Yeah
That's where most of it is
There's a load of napkins that I can see your hands yet. You've got a whole funny to finish. I'm not eating the funny
This by the way is is turnishing the memory of my lovely mother. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE
Oh, I'm so sorry, Adil.
That's OK, that's OK.
You're talking about your mother's lovely crumble that you used to enjoy.
We didn't know that you'd be so heavily tied to your mother
when we decided I would eat a chocolate cock.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER tied to your mother when we decided I would eat a chocolate cock.
It just feels more disrespectful to sit here throughout the story.
My hand...
And this isn't a pun, caked...
..in sweet jizz.
Thank you, Aled. This This is Ardil, everyone.
So sorry. Please wipe all the cum off your hands before Ardil remembers his mother. This is all I'm gonna remember about this night as well.
Well, we're talking about your mother.
Yeah.
Anyway, I like rhubarb crumble.
It was... Yes. Rhubarb is a thing that I like to touch.
Sometimes I cut it freestanding.
I came across a recipe for a more contemporary crumble with pink peppercorns.
Mmm.
Yeah.
A food writer called Ravinder Bogal, I think is her name.
So pink peppercorns, pomegranates, loads of orange juice as well as rhubarb, and then
the crumble can be sort of anything, loads of different nuts and the other stuff that goes into crumble.
What else is in the crumble?
The bread, the biscuits or whatever the fuck.
LAUGHTER
Biscuits.
I'm getting tired.
LAUGHTER
I've never talked this much in my life.
LAUGHTER
Oats, maybe oats. Oats, all that kind of thing. And it's just rhubarb in the...
Almonds, crushed almonds.
It's mainly rhubarb, pomegranates, orange juice, lots of sugar.
And I think that's about it.
And pink peppercorns, loads of them to give it that crunch and to give it that just a
spice, a spice kick.
That sounds really good.
Yeah, it's really good.
Sounds great.
Yeah, I'd really like to try that actually.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it.
I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. I'm going to try it. I, and to give it that cut just a spice a spice kick. That sounds really good
Yeah, it's really good. Great. Yeah, I'd really like to try that actually
Do you get the my favorite bit of the crumble is when some of the rhubarb bubbles through the crumble bubbles
I don't want
No way, I'm so sorry, I do not want bubbles in my rhubarb crumble, I'm so sorry. I do not want bubbles in my rhubarb crumble. I'm so sorry
That's more disturbing than him eating the chocolate cock. That's a few bubbles in that
No bubbles no bubbles in the crumble, you know the thing I mean though where it breech it breeches a little bit
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do like that. Yeah
Yeah, the sort of the lava flow. Yes, exactly.
And it goes a bit more caramelized around the edges.
Oh, I love rhubarb crumble.
What are you having the rhubarb crumble with?
What's your accompaniment with the rhubarb crumble?
Rhubarb ice cream, I suppose.
Really?
Yeah.
That's massive. I've never heard that before.
Are you making the rhubarb ice cream? Are you buying the rhubarb ice cream?
My wife is. Making the rhubarb ice cream you buying the rhubarb ice cream? my wife is
Making the rhubarb ice cream. I admit make the crumble, but she will make the
It's like every time it's like there's a sort of 80s rap DJ
Working at the world
Practice that I should have practiced that word before coming out tonight
Well, you didn't know what was gonna happen to know you didn't know
Throw me throw me completely. I regret it. I regret it so much
How many scoops of rhubarb ice cream we talking? I would just go one. I'm not really a dessert person. I
Prefer cheese
I prefer cheese. Yeah, baby!
Well, Ardol, what I'd say is,
if you don't feel forced into a dessert dessert,
if you want to, if you prefer cheese,
you can have a cheese board at this point of the meal.
Can I have both?
No, I think if you don't want the rib-eye crumble,
you don't have to worry about that.
You can have a cheese board instead.
You can have a cheese board instead of dessert, Ardol.
Ardol? Oh, hang on.
Okay, I think, because I've had rhubarb crumble since I was like one.
You've had it too much.
I've had it too much, haven't I?
James, for the listener, has just tried to throw a chocolate vagina at our doll.
And it's disappeared.
It's gone.
Yet again.
This happens with all of James' breakups.
Oh, don it is.
So, would you like, instead of the rhubarb crumble, you'd like to go for a...
I think so.
A cheese board, yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
But a lovely tour, Ardell.
Whole tour's been great. And at the end of it, you cheese one out of me and chuck a dick.
The worst end of any tour ever.
Talk us through what cheeses you'd like, Ardell.
Well, there's got to be a hard one in there.
I would go... Well, there's got to be a hard one in there.
I would go a houda, an aged houda.
An aged gouda, yeah.
An aged gouda.
Dutch cheese, yeah.
Lovely.
Easier to say than rhubarb.
Yes, yeah.
Houda.
So I would definitely have that.
The older the better. Stinkier.
Lovely.
And a little,
there's also a little bit of sweetness in some cheeses.
So you are getting some sweetness in this.
You are, yeah. Salty, sweet.
Salty, sweet, yeah.
Does this happen a lot? This hasn't happened on the tour yet actually. I'm absolutely delighted
that it's the last one. James is now peeking out from behind the set. A blue cheese, Ardell?
A blue cheese, yeah. Lovely. Sure. A Stilton. I would go with Stilton. A classic Stilton. Yeah, yeah. A blue cheese. So that would be the hard, the soft would be a Mont-
Hooray!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You're fucking correct!
APPLAUSE
So you've-
OK, I'm going to have dessert!
He'll have dessert, James.
Oh, God.
CHEERING
Yeah, but a Mont D'Or. A Mont D. Yeah, delicious. Yeah. Yeah, and oh yeah,
rhubarb crumble. I would love to have that. It would be great. You can read your menu back to you now, Ardil.
See how you feel about this. It's a lovely menu. You would like still water in a glass with good girth, heft, weight and lip.
You would like still water in a glass with good girth, heft, weight, and lip.
You want skips the size of poppadongs.
You would like 24 oysters with shallots and red wine vinegar.
You would like your wife's special scallops
with the discs of clonocilty.
Woo!
Black pudding with a minty pea puree, a fried quail's egg, and a disc of fried apple.
Main course, stinky beef with all the normal trimmings, cauliflower, cheese sauce, roast
sprouts with parmesan and balsamic, as your side dish, honey glazed carrots, and a Yorkshire
pudding.
Drink 1965 Chateau de la Tour from the rich man's cellar.
Dessert, rhubarb crumble with rhubarb ice cream, followed by a cheese board with Gouda Stilton,
Mondo and whatever else. Disgusted shit was on there.
The menu of Ardill O'Hanion!
Thank you so much, Ardill, you've been brilliant.
That is a delicious menu. That's a fantastic menu.
Thank you so much, Duffy.
Ardill O'Hanlon, everybody!
Give it up for Ardill O'Hanlon!
Thank you very much.
Thank you for coming, everyone.
Good night, bye-bye.
Bye-bye, bye-bye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC PLAYS
There we are, final show of the tour done. Thank you. Everyone who came to the off menu live tour and made it so much fun for us.
You're all wonderful audiences every single night. There wasn't, there wasn't one evening
where we came off and went, yeah, exactly. What a rubbish crowd.
Every time we were like, we're the luckiest man on the planet. And we did say that. And thanks so
much to everyone at Plosive. Thanks so much to our tour manager, Paul. Thanks so much to the
photographer, Paul. Thanks to our whole crew. We had a whole crew on the tour with us, James.
There was a whole crew, which is something that like Ed and I will hold our hands up or maybe I should just hold my hand maybe Ed didn't know
this but when Benito said hey do you want a set here's an idea for the set
yeah lamp it's the clouds are you gonna be sitting on clouds there'd be a big
poppadom in the background we're like yeah that looks cool yeah and then we
turned up on the first night and there was a massive tour bus outside the venue
and we were like is that for us us? Like a joke? Yeah.
And then they went, yep. Yep. We're like, what? Well, it's for you, for your crew. Crew
got sleep on that. We talk about, we went in, oh yeah. People have to set up the set
that we approved and bring it, bring it with them and stuff. And they have to pack it down
every night. Yeah. You know, on the residency nights they have to do on the final night,
pack it all down and then travel overnight to the next venue, sleep it in the...
So a bunch of absolute legends, just so good, like it meant that we didn't have to stress
at all for the whole tour.
Really appreciate it and sorry for making you do it.
Yes.
Apologies to everyone involved.
Bye.
Bye. Bye! Bye! is a short poem or story or amusing on a particular subject every single day.
What if you commissioned Picasso to paint your house and he just painted it white? Would
you be annoyed? Wouldn't it be good if you could pour miracle grow onto other things
such as pizzas?
Have you ever thought about what a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits?
Have you ever tried to cry about something you're not thinking about?
If you would like to listen to a daily podcast that includes subjects I've mentioned there,
then please listen to the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.