Rooster Teeth Podcast - Decoding Dating App Bios - #788
Episode Date: February 5, 2024Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now and use code RTP. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 instantly in bonus bets. Armando, Andrew, and Griff decide it's time to break down the why of dating ...apps. Such as... why do they exist? Why are there so many? Why is he holding a giant fish? All these questions and more are answered right here on the Rooster Teeth podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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This is a Mr. T production.
Welcome to the Only Podcast, legally allowed to kill you with its bare hands.
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Rar.
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Armando Torres joining me as always is the bear himself.
Claws.
Yeah.
Give me that honey.
Give me those picnic baskets.
Sorry, picnic baskets.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, Santa Rosa, so long.
And...
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I'm little.
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This is awesome. This is incredible.
They let me make my own video for a new series
that we're doing called RT pieces.
So a year ago in May of 2023,
Blitzbear asked me and Blaine
if we would drive him to get his wisdom teeth removed.
What a rookie move on his part.
What an absolute first of all to ask us to do it.
And secondly, to not call them his blisdom teeth.
Two whiffs.
Truly leaving teeth on the table.
Yeah.
So he asked us if we would pick him up from the dentist
while after getting his teeth pulled out and was like,
yeah, you can do whatever kind of content you want.
That's my blizz impression by the way.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
You can do whatever kind of content you want. I'm bisexual
I'm a twink, but I think I'm a bear
You know blizz bear
Really good impression. Oh my god. Is he here? Oh, yeah, he's here. He's queer get used to it
So this guy was getting his teeth pulled out and told us that we could film any type of
content.
So we bought a black leather couch.
Shut up.
No, no, no, no, horrible joke.
No, we decided that we were going to do like a quiz and we're going to call it the blizz
quiz because we would be doing it right after he got
his wisdom teeth out.
David after Dentist style, he's gonna be all fucked up,
because they were putting him under.
But then, just days before we were set to go pick him up
from the dentist's office, we found out that BlizzBear
was throwing a pool party at his house,
where he invited a bunch of coworkers and friends,
but not me or Blaine.
But he felt comfortable enough to ask you guys
to take him to the dentist?
Yeah, in his most vulnerable.
But enough to see him in the speedo, I guess.
No.
And so what we did was we decided to torture him
instead of making it a safe, fun little excursion for him.
And so we filmed the entire thing.
The entire time leading up to it,
we're just making him feel more and more afraid and scared.
At one point in the video, I literally go,
are you feeling nervous?
And he goes a little and I go,
is it because of the abnormally high mortality rate
for people going into the dentist for routine stuff? And I look at Blaine and I go, is it because of the abnormally high mortality rate for people going into the dentist for routine stuff?
And I look at Blaine and I go, what is it?
Like 40% don't make it out.
Oh my God.
And in the video, it cuts immediately to Blizz being like, I thought you were supposed to
be making me feel better about this.
Not worse.
Oh man.
And then we did the Blizz quiz,
which was also themed around Blizz,
and what his plans were on May 12th, 2023,
and why Blaine and I weren't invited.
It's such a fun video.
We recorded it.
My favorite part was I did the intro
and then showed it to BlizzBear.
And he said, and I quote,
when did you film this?
Where did you get this footage?
When did this happen?
He has no recollection of you just like guys filming
during that entire thing and like holding the footage.
That's so funny.
And we've just had it for a year.
So thank you for becoming first members
because now we're allowed to do crazy shit like this.
And we have a lot of really other fun content coming up
just because you guys are able to do it.
So the more that you become a first member,
the more that we're able to do this incredibly fun stuff.
And we thank you so much.
And also, that video should be out now,
if you're watching this podcast when it came out.
And yeah, you can watch it at the same time as Blizz,
because he also does not remember any of it.
He will see it at the same time as the audience.
Like, he will experience it along with you for the first time.
For the first time.
Yeah.
And that, by the way, is not hidden behind a paywall.
It is on First, which please go watch it on the site if you can.
But it will also be on the Rooster Teeth Podcast YouTube channel.
We have one of those.
Yeah.
I believe it's youtube.com slash at roosterteeth podcast
We'll overdub it yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's at
Yeah, there was a nice blank space there and we will absolutely overdub mine
It wasn't absolutely blank either. I don't know if you can hear it, but there was just this the mouth sounds
Dot com
We got it right
Fuck yeah, but oh no, we were just told we don't get free lunch after this
All right load so that's all the housekeeping out of the way
That's the story that I was really excited to do.
But okay, Andrew and I were talking about this thing off camera the other day.
Called Friendship.
This is the thing called Friendship where we hang out and like shoot the shit, watch
movies and be friends.
Because we're best friends.
We hang out all the time.
Andrew and I last night, we had a show together. And then after that, we went back to his place,
got Pete Terry's, and watched John Wick 4.
Okay.
Incredible night.
Yeah.
And as my best friend, I know a lot about his dating life.
And Andrew's been, wow man, how does every bad comedian,
I'm on the apps.
Are you guys dating? Is there anyone dating here?
Because of the apps?
Uh.
The hackiest comedy premise since from like 2016.
Dating's hard.
Dating's hard?
I feel like.
You know?
Yeah.
It's a good issue.
Ah, I mean, you know, you're not wrong.
Jesus Christ.
But yeah, no, I know we were talking about,
we were talking about this last night because having been on there for
a little while, again, for the first time, I talked about this a few months ago when
I got on there, and I don't want us to turn into a bad stand-up bit because this is more
of an open question to both of you and to the audience, who I would like some elucidation
as to what these things mean.
So having been on there for a while, I've noticed some patterns in the language that people use and I'm a straight man looking for a oh
Shocking revelations tonight at 11. Yeah
No, so I'm straight man looking to
So I'm a straight man
Somebody leaving a comment
straight man. Somebody leaving a comment.
Pausing the video so they feel like they interrupted you.
So you're a straight man.
So I'm a straight man.
What are you doing?
I'm looking for a woman.
So I was a straight man. Oh my god, you just invented the rule of force. I have.
So you're a straight man. Straight man. Well, well, looking for a woman. And it, I don't
know if this is everyone's experience,
but there's a few things that I've seen
kind of come up in profiles again and again,
on ostensibly straight women's profile.
This is like, and one of them is,
what they're looking for in somebody,
which is, there's a couple of things,
a couple of tropes are things that I've seen.
One is, and my favorite one is, a dark sense of humor.
Oh.
What the fuck does that mean?
Okay, I have theories about what that means,
but it's come up so weirdly ubiquitously
in so many profiles that like, dark sense of humor, like not just sense many profiles, like dark sense of humor.
Like not just sense of humor, like dark sense of humor.
My theory is, is that they will drop a slur
every once in a while.
That is what I like.
They will hit, they will hit it hard R,
maybe if they're drunk enough.
And they hit it like a ding or two.
Oh yeah, aluminum bat.
And you're like oh
Buffle puckers like oh, whoa, they're calling it. They're pointing at the nearest black person with the baseball bat
So I do want to make a slight distinction as a bisexual man
Which is just a straight man who wants to fuck lesbians is what that is
I'm joking of course, but it is this man a suicide girl stash
It is kind of a little true. I'm not lying, but plenty of dudes are
This is by erasure blizz is gonna hate me
as A dude who gets pretty much
Everyone on the dating apps you see and again this granted when I was like really on the dating apps
It was a while ago, but dudes will have
dark sense of humor and
That's what I know that they say slurs and like it's not necessarily racial stuff
They could just be saying like the our word they make gay jokes
They just like they say shit and they get mad at slur. Yeah, absolutely. Cuz they're like
Well You might be allowed to do some of them.
But some of them you're absolutely not.
Unless you put you have a dark sense of humor in your bio.
And then you're allowed.
And then you're allowed.
They send you a gun and badge in the mail.
But you and I were talking about this, Andrew,
that when I see that in a dude's profile,
my head automatically goes to like
Oh, you say words are not supposed to and they get mad because you're not allowed to correct
Yeah, when I see it in a woman's profile. I immediately think like oh shit
You're way too mean
Yes, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that makes work that makes sense. Yeah, right
so way too mean and and or and I someone someone had another theory about this that like dark sense of humor means I
Think I'm funny, but nobody else does like my friends think I'm obnoxious
So they just like I have my own sense of humor which must be too edgy and dark for you
It's like no you're just mean and obnoxious. no. That's what I think also could be part of that.
Because again, it's like, what does like dark sense
of humor meaning like, what do you, like 13
and telling dead baby jokes?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, what does that, as an adult grown human,
what does that mean?
Sure, yeah, I'm starting to realize
I might have a quote unquote dark sense of humor,
AKA I think I might just be abrasive and only funny to
certain
Do you how does that how does that how does that track do you does that seem like it?
There's credence to that. No, I feel like that makes a lot more sense because I feel like it's
it's like that makes a lot more sense because I feel like it's it's like that okay
I don't know if it's different because I feel like queer women are a little more
sensitive because of the
Years of oppression. No, I was gonna say the climate of the queer community, but oh, so that's like a lot less likely
But I also feel like yeah, no, it's the I would say every person I've ever met, or every woman I've ever met that's been like,
oh, I'm edgy, dark-sense, it's like,
oh, no, you're kind of annoying.
Yeah.
You're like, actually just kind of annoying.
Oh, man.
Let's just say like, your friends have had to put you
in a car a lot.
They had to like, someone call Stacy an Uber.
For reference, I cannot believe this did not come up last night.
Andrew and I did a stand-up show together,
and he stepped out to get ready for his set,
and I was watching one of the comics that was on the show
who told the audience that they were going to do
a bit of a darker, edgier joke.
Okay. And then, surprise, surprise,
it was just transphobia.
Just, that was it.
There was no joke to it.
You're at the mothership?
No.
Shocking.
You're in the game.
No.
But close.
Yes.
Each time you got a little closer.
Yeah, the joke was like, I don't even want to repeat it.
It just sucked. The punchline was just like that them being a cis woman
was a lady more so than a trans woman would be a lady.
That was the punchline.
And I'm not even really downplaying the joke.
I'm just saying the punchline, quote unquote,
without the setup, because that was a sentence.
That was ostensibly the end of the joke and again joke in heavy quotations
Yeah, like it's just like
You said something on stage
So I guess that technically qualifies it as a joke
But it was it didn't have a real punchline or like wasn't clever or incisive or like expressed a point of view that isn't
Just a talking point on some turf.
It was just fucking mean and lazy.
It was just lazy.
There's a thing that like I think it was contra point.
She's like a she's a trans philosopher, YouTuber person.
And she has this thing about like she's like,
there's a funny way to joke about marginalized people.
She's like she's like she's like trans people as we're very funny. There are very funny things you She's like, she's like, she's like, trans people as
a, we're very funny. They're very funny things you can do to make fun of us, but you're not. You're
just like, do what you're just being mean and like, just to be mean. Like she's like, and then she
like, she lists out like, oh, this is because, um, I think this was after like, everyone felt
betrayed because John Mulaney had Dave Chappelle on during one of his shows or whatever.
And this was pre-everyone Mulaney backlashing, or maybe in the middle of it when he was trying
to go on his redemption tour.
Sure.
And this new baby, new wife redemption tour.
And yeah, it's just like, there is a way to punch down in a joke without punching down.
Like you can still be funny and do it.
And that is not what dark humor.
No, no. And but I think the core of what you're talking about is that like.
And I don't even know if the people writing this material understand this,
but it it is so obvious to me in instances like that with that a quote
unquote joke like that or similar types of again
Observational stuff where it's like it is so clear you are more interested in expressing a grievance
Yes, then telling a joke. Yeah, and that is so painfully obvious that that undercuts any humor and like honestly even if something is
clever humor and like honestly even if something is clever the the perceived
grievance completely undercuts that and makes like it just seem again mean and
like not not a good joke like yeah so I think and within that instance last night
it was like oh yeah that's just you're just expressing a grievance in a
performative way yeah that doesn't actually translate to humor and I want to That's just you're just expressing a grievance in a
performative way. Yeah, that doesn't actually translate to humor.
And I want to be super clear. The biggest reason why I bring this up is because they literally prefaced it
with saying like, I'm going to tell a bit of a darker, edgier joke.
So it's like, I want to see your titan for a fuck.
It's bad, I bet you.
And I know that she's on one
because who would want to take this person? Probably a dude holding a fish. Oh, that is very true. And I mean, I say that
as a guy wearing camo pants right now. I don't know if you can see my legs. They might be
disappeared. She may have found love because there was another guy wearing a camo sweater
in the crowd who went after she said that went.
And that's facts.
Didn't laugh, which is how you know it's a good joke.
It's a good joke when someone.
Did not laugh, just angrily went, and that's truth.
Is there any greater tragedy and entertainment when a comedian becomes a truth teller?
Maybe the saddest thing ever to witness in comedy.
Because you couldn't be funny.
Because there's only one person that's done it well, and that's Karlin.
And we only had one, we only need one.
And it's over.
No one needs to try to come close to that.
That's all I'll say on that.
It pains me so much to see people,
again, because they're going,
because instances like that,
and in the fucking new Chappelle stuff,
it's like, you clearly want applause, not laughs.
You want people to agree with you, not laugh.
You do not want to entertain them.
You want to give them the confirmation bias
that they crave, And that bothers me.
Yeah, I actually disagree with you.
I think I'm gonna start switching up into a truth teller.
Please.
Come watch my special featuring my newest hottest joke,
the 152 words you can't say.
That's what I'm saying.
Around 75 they get weird.
It's like, Fadoodle Bob.
You can't say it
because they can't put subtitles for it.
That's what you're saying.
Fucking stupid.
Here's a word you can't say on TV.
Beep.
People just think of they got a subtitle that
and it's just a beep.
You don't know.
Here's a word you can't say on TV.
Oh, it's number one level TV.
And then like explains. Rising up. Here's the words you can't say on TV. Oh
Let me open the necronomicon page open to page 15 number 78
After the demon one yeah, yeah, I don't know that they'll let me not bleep that one out that one might be gone oh my god let's find out but I so I just wanted to get your thoughts on this and they're inside and
those are the people in the in the in the audience if you want to leave a cut what
is dark sense of humor mean because I think it's it's it's confounding your
friend who has one so you don't have to confront them and I'll do it for you I
think that's a hundred percent it
But there's also like a bunch of other terms that are on dating profile apps that you see all the time like I
Want somebody that I can live an active lifestyle with like I don't want to date a fat person
Yeah, you better be skinny. Yeah, there's like code words like that. Oh my god. I've seen tons
be skinny. Yeah. There's like code words like that. Oh my God. I've seen tons. Yeah. The. OK. Here's the thing about that also is like I'm at the point where it's just
like, bro, just stating your truth, dog. Do do listen. Again, lazy joke writing is like
a we all know the like the like the gay terms on Grindr of like the it's just it's like a it's a mask for mask. Yeah. Which is, you
know, miss me with that gay shit, even though we're both homosexuals. Right. And then there's
also hold on, hold on, hold on. You're so you're like, you win sex with a man. That's
as straight as it is. they're both masculine it's
less sex more rasslet you win sex with the man but also okay I wrote an essay in
college about how homophobia is written in misogyny so like it's like one thing
to be gay but there's one thing to be fun the unique game like you have to be
mincing about that's what that is I've heard that so many different times too,
from like family members with dark senses of edgy humor.
Yeah, I've just like, I got no problem with them gays.
I just wish that they weren't.
I don't know why I'm doing this accent.
Some of my family.
You're from Coachella.
I am, yeah.
I'm from Los Angeles.
Fuck you.
Secondly, my family is from Louisiana, Mississippi.
So which is a different accent entirely.
Point is they'll be like, I don't mind these gays.
I just wish that they weren't flaunting in my face.
And it's like they're not.
Some gays also believe that.
Like, so those are like the,
those are like the master for mask.
No fats, no femmes, no Asians.
Like that's a, that is a rallying cry across gay data.
Yes. No Asians?
Yes. Why?
Because they're, they're deemed too feminine.
It's a whole, it's racist.
Jesus Christ.
Just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't be like racist
and sexist.
No, here's what I will say this.
I don't, I don't respect the sentiment.
I do respect the directness.
Exactly.
Because I don't want to interact with you.
Yeah.
Just like, all right, done.
Swipe, gone. Yeah. Monster. Respect with you. Yeah, just like, all right, done. Swipe gone.
Monster.
Respect the sentiment only because, no, well, not only.
I should say, because I'm not a racist, maybe.
But also recently, Andrew and I have been watching a bunch
of action movies, a lot of martial arts movies,
and we just watched The Raid and The Raid 2.
And I got to tell you, not femme at all.
I've seen a lot of long-haired Indonesians beat the shit out the raid too. And I gotta tell you, not femme at all. I've seen a lot of
long haired Indonesians beat the shit out of each other.
Listen, it's America and racism and we can talk about the Chinese exclusion and we don't
have time to get into it. Anyway, so it's like that kind of thing where it's just like,
I almost would prefer that because like you said, you can just swipe left and get rid
of them. But now I've got a decode like that you want to live in a active lifestyle
With someone who has a very good credit score and that they can take home to their mother and exactly and like I
Has like family values. Yeah, okay
Christian
What's so funny about that is that all of that will preface, that's all preamble
to the thesis statement, which I appreciate honest, clear communication.
It's like, but please, please refer to all the things you have to decode right above
this.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And I, like, this is never more prevalent.
I've seen this more, so I'm just on two apps, but I see this way more.
Which ones?
A hinge and bumble.
You hear that?
Ladies. Ladies, ladies.
Here's the thing though.
I see it 100 times more on Bumble and I don't know why.
Bumble is home to the world's most face tuned Catholics.
It is like.
Oh, Bumble looks like what I imagine if the company Oracle had an employee like Google.
That's what Bumble looks like.
It's insane.
They're all middle managers.
It is wild dog.
It is wild.
And also it's weird about Bumble too.
And by the way, if you're working Bumble,
here's a free tip.
They're here.
Yeah, no, they're good.
I know they are Austin, but actually I live not too far
away from their headquarters.
Here's a free tip.
If you are looking for, if you are,
with like religious preferences,
cause you can say I'm looking for like a Christian
or then there's a whole list.
If you, you're not allowed, okay.
So if you're not, if you select nothing,
like if you have no preferences there,
you get everybody, including people
who put nothing in that category.
But if you're like basically like exclude everything
but Christian and conservative,
it will like preclude people,
it will eliminate people who also put nothing.
Does that make sense?
Interesting.
So in order to get people who are either like,
didn't put that on their profile,
aren't like agnostic or anything like that,
you have to include Christians.
And you have to basically include all religions
or set no preferences yourself
to also get people who set no preference,
which is weird.
It's very strange.
Pretty wild.
I have been thinking about this
since you introduced this premise to me.
That like, I was like, why would you need that?
And I realized, oh, it's because if you are let's say
Jewish or Muslim yeah, you might want to find somebody who has those same values
Yeah, so you're looking for another person who's Jewish or Muslim
But my first thought was somebody who isn't one of those
Like I want to find myself with you.
Ooh yeah.
That's how I use it.
Ha ha ha ha.
A couple more that are pretty entertaining to me.
Again, for the decoding, for those of you out there.
Loves to travel means...
Rich.
You gotta have some money.
Loves to traveling.
It's one of those expensive things you can do
and have the PTO and the flexibility
Also very similar like interests food omakase. It's like a great. You're gonna be spending
$600 on a third day
Enjoy again, if you're the things you want totally fine, but like I just love that it's like oh
Interests interests. It's omakase. Yeah, oh you're spinning. Yeah, that's okay Not like that. That's also
Also, I mean who doesn't I also like to travel on like omakase, but Jesus Christ. I don't understand
Similarly to the like must live an active lifestyle
I feel like also is the same guy who's like wants a girl who can eat which just means you want like a
Skinny girl who likes to eat food because it's never an overlap. Oh
No, no, no, what is that? Yeah, I don't understand why it's like a it's it's the I just yeah
I'm just thinking about every single dating app or every single like profile I've ever read that like a straight female friend has sent me and
they're all messages to the code as opposed to like a gay dating app which is too much
information overload you shouldn't be sharing that with me I don't know you.
I mean we need to edit in the meme right now of fucking Nicholas Cage pouring lemon juice
in the back of the Declaration of Independence and using like the glasses to like, look, it's like, oh, it's a corner of wall. Like, it's doing the fucking national
treasure decoding.
I, to the point of the food thing that you were talking about just a second ago, I think
it's just like, I think everyone wants this, this like ideal quote unquote partner that
they have in their head, which is just like an unbelievably hot, sexy, rich,
mommy type who's gonna take care of them,
but also fuck them and wants to eat a lot,
but won't ever like...
Gain weight.
Gain weight or change in the body at all.
Yeah, and we'll do the dishes and not complain about it.
Yeah. But not get mad at me for playing Fortnite
for six hours in a row.
A lot of the coded stuff in dudes profiles are ways around saying that stuff.
Yeah.
But what I do think is really interesting is you have these weird coded messages within
the bios of these profiles and then the messages have no subtext whatsoever.
No, all text.
They're all just like, I wanna fuck your feet.
Hook up, question mark, eggplant emoji.
Is there really that dire in these shoots?
I don't know.
I mean, like, it's...
Is it that grim?
I mean, I...
Well, how many times do you just say, I wanna touch a hole?
Oh, I wanna go Dr Dr. Scholes on them.
That's what I say.
Call me a don't know hole because I'm going to plug it up.
Oh, God.
We're going to have to edit all this out.
Anyway, I did go on a date recently and it was a it shocked the other person.
It shocked the person I was on a date with that I
Don't just swipe based on the first photo and not look at the profile. Hmm. Wait what we need elaborate I
If I look at a profile, I see the picture and I go oh, she's cute. I
Don't just based solely on that first photo
Swipe right that is psycho behavior
Apparently that I apparently that's what just people do I psycho behavior. What do you mean? It's like a good
Andrew does not what Andrew the other other just going off of the first the first photo. I got oh, she's cute
I immediately go down to see yeah, any other information first photo is do I want to find out more information about this?
Yes, oh Do you know about the shotgun method? Any other information first photo is do I want to find out more information about this? Sure. Oh
Do you know about the shotgun method?
Yeah
I'm on a lot of problematic subreddits and
one of them
This dude was posting about like he did like I guess tendered it or some one of the apps did like a wrapped sure type thing
It's what if Spotify wrap type thing
And his was like and he was like I don't understand why my female friend had
She had a cumulative
565 matches out of
862 swipes and I had a cumulative
104 matches out of a cumulative
10,976 swipes and like that's like the whole app
You swiped you swiped to the end. Yeah, you reached the end of your city
And I was like how do you even like do that and then like reading the comments because again
This is not the forum that would have told him not to do that
Everyone was just kind of like doing the whole like women have it easier on the apps if you're going to pussy
You can get anything and so not a good separate it anyway. Oh word
So so I didn't think that's subred it by the way is the old achievement hunter
Again because of the context of where I saw this post I was like, oh, this is like a single
This is like a very minute
subsection of men in the dating world who do the shotgun method that you've called it.
And, but now it's kind of starting to sound like this is a bigger issue if a woman was shocked that
you looked at her profile. I think most dudes just do like the shotgun method, which I think is
very funny because they're willing to do this on their phone to get the date But not this when they're in bed with the date
Yeah, they don't make women come
This is what they want. Yeah, when you're in a cast next week, I'm laughing I told Andrew about this
Yeah, here we go
Yeah, here we go. Let's go. Well, you guys keep things from me. That's fine.
No, I'm telling you now, when I'm also telling the world on a podcast that my mother listens to.
Yeah, but to be fair, he told me this literally last night on the way to the show we did together.
So there's like very little time for it.
There was no time. Something that I've always really liked in the past is that like you've gotten...
I've gotten spicy pics from people and they go like,
oh, I took this specifically for you.
And that feels good because there's intention behind it.
But it's not necessarily something I need
because sometimes I've been sent photos
that have cleared, like you get a photo and you're like,
there's a whole different haircut than you ever had.
This is from the archives.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whose bathroom is this? I know
it's not yours because the only thing in the shower is Old Spice 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner
and toothpaste and drought cleaner. And I use Axe 5-in-1. There's an Obama Hope poster
on the wall. I think I know when this was from.
I hope that.
And Ginsburg and Key.
Oh right, I'm older than you guys.
That would make sense for me.
Not someone yours like.
If my partner sent me a new one from the Obama.
I would be in so much trouble.
Sorry, sorry.
That's a no for me though.
No, no, no.
No.
Had to, again, adjust it for inflation.
Sure, yeah.
Ancient inflation.
That's a Trump poster in the background.
No.
No, different problem.
There was, so I have gotten some pictures though that involved the Bush administration.
If you know what I'm fucking saying.
Give me the can back. Give me the hand back.
Give me the hand back, fill it.
All I'm saying is I really love that ability
to know that you look good, feel good about yourself,
and take a spicy picture just because you're feeling yourself.
I think that's a super cool thing that dudes just
don't really do very much.
Sometimes you get dudes who do it.
You get dudes like Blizz who will take weird
thirst traps of themselves and then post it online.
But for the most part, it's not a stereotypical
straight cis dude thing to do,
to take like thirsty pics of yourself.
Okay, and you don't have to answer the question. Mm-hmm. I
Don't know what makes a man feel sexy about himself
So I just want you to know
That when you're explaining this I just kind of pictured you like with a freshly
brushed beard and you got like like a really bright red nice new flannel.
And then you see like a lumberjack chopping wood photo shoot.
That's what I imagined a man thinks to sexy.
You were like, I kind of look like the brawny towel guy.
And then you just kind of like, and then you went to home,
and you just like got a hatchet and was just like.
What makes a man feel sexy about themselves is a photo of them
at the closest parking spot at the grocery store that they somehow get at like four o'clock in the afternoon. Oh, man. Oh, man. I've never felt better
It was get a picture me
I got a front spot and close. Yeah, it was the time that Andrew and I got a victory royale in fortnight
And it's me fully clothed pointing at the TV
And I sent it to her and it did not work fully clothed, pointing at the TV. Oh, oh!
And I sent it to her and it did not work. No, no.
I don't, I don't, look, here's the thing,
I'm gonna be real with you.
And this is what Andrew and I were talking about,
is that I don't know that most straight dudes
generally feel like sexy about themselves.
At least I don't generally feel like,
oh man, I look so good in this thing.
I look good in outfits or whatever.
Sure, they're like fit picks,
but in terms of like taking my own tasteful nudes,
I've never done that.
I've never been like, damn, look at this.
And I told, look at this guy.
I told Andrew that the bar first getting a nude from a man is so low and it's yeah
Oh, we should prefer another dick. We exactly yeah very important distinction
Nude not dick pic because dick pics are flying. We're dick pics are going through us right now. Yeah, like why fight?
It's just everywhere. It's mostly most of the internet is pictures of penis
Soliciton Not once asked no It's mostly, most of the internet is pictures of penis and sense of people. Unsolicited. Unsolicited.
Never asked for.
Not once asked for.
No.
Yeah.
So, but to be very clear, distinction between tasteful nude and dickpick, because yeah,
dickpicks are all over the place.
Yeah, dickpicks are like real shitty apartment buildings.
But every once in a while you see like a tasteful nude and you're like, oh, I could turn that into 26 apartment
Me being mad at landlords as a concept. I have I have only taken I've only taken one dick pic
Don't you fucking show it to me you want to see?
It's a picture of Bigfoot.
There it is.
We're not going to blur that out.
You can see it right.
It's already blurred out.
It's fucking Bigfoot.
It's blurred.
I was like, oh, why would you describe your dick?
Oh, walking away.
Walking away slowly, turning backwards kind of and looking.
My dick is always looking over its shoulder.
Ooh.
I need to see a doctor.
Oh my God.
Oh man, I'm sorry if this is too much of a vintage, please, please let me know.
But for a very long time, because we know that, because all dudes know, or should know,
that dick pics are like, they're gross, they're weird, they're off-putting for the most part, that when you take one that looks halfway decent,
people appreciate it. And what I thought was really funny is that for several
years of my life, I took one fantastic dick pic and it was like my dick's head shot. It was the one. That's your dick's LinkedIn profile. Yes.
It was the one where I called it kinked in.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Can we fly in a can to be thrown at me?
I called it kinked in.
It was the profile picture.
It was the head shot, emphasis on both head and shot.
And. picture. It was a headshot emphasis on both head and shot. And we're
wearing a turtleneck in this particular.
No, my boy, sirked up.
My point is, is it any time I was asked for
what I'll call my cover letter?
I would send this one particular photograph for what I'll call my cover letter.
I would send this one particular photograph and it was just the one good one that I had.
And I just coasted on that for so long.
And the nice thing, I guess, weirdly
about having a head shot like that
is that it's not like using old pictures
in your Tinder profile,
because you get worse with age.
You just look different.
Are you, in my case, get larger?
And pictures can be misleading.
I didn't get fatter or bolder.
God, wouldn't that be awesome?
That would be awesome.
That would be awesome.
That would be awesome.
That would be awesome.
That would be awesome.
Oh, man.
I got to lose some weight.
Second thought, looking pretty chubby. I like it. Oh, man, I got to lose some weight. I'm second thought
Pretty chubby
No fat in
Yeah, it's essentially like, yeah, fluid filled sex. Gross.
You go, you know.
Yeah, it's like a fucking balloon.
I feel OK.
This whole episode has been griff almost walking out.
I feel like this has been like griff like, all right.
I don't know why either.
All of these jokes normally hit with griff.
Oh, man. Don't know why either all of these jokes normally hit with Heterosexual sex is so embarrassing
Conversation have been a part of that is fair that is true and fair. Yeah
This is not like Fox News at all. In fact, the comedian from last night is on Fox News right now.
That's a correspondent.
Actually, I will say as a tangent, this doesn't have to be in the episode.
They did a really heartwarming segment about this little trans boy out in the Midwest.
He was like a real Aryan.
He was like a blonde hair, blue-eyed, loved football.
His name was like Seth or something.
I don't know.
And it was a very, like, nice portrayal of, like,
a family and their trans kid and how they were afraid,
how the laws were going to impact him.
They were like, Cooper is just like an all-American little boy
and our dog, who's also named Cooper.
He looked like a human golden retriever,
like this fucking kid.
And I was like, this is like, it's like conservative gay propaganda.
It was very interesting to watch.
It was very interesting to watch.
Can I ask one question?
Yeah.
Around what age was the child?
Like, middle school, like 12 maybe?
Middle school? Okay, this is perfect.
I can post to you the exact situation
that they were going for.
Okay.
They were like, this was somebody's effort
to be like,
if we don't change the laws and make life easier
for trans kids, Seth isn't gonna get to play O-line, dude.
Look at this fucking dude!
Come on, man!
Dude, it's so fucking big!
We gotta get this guy in the-
I gotta get this motherfucker on the line, dude.
He's gotta go state, bro.
He's gotta go state, cause he's gotta get signed.
It's the only way out of this-
It's the only way out of this-
It's the only way out of this-
This corn hell.
This corn hell that's been poisoned by chemical companies
for about 60 years.
Dude, come on.
This fucking Midwest blight,
the only way to get out of it.
Love my-
I feel like it was only-
Love and accept my trans kid
so that they can go on to play for a football team
that has a racial slur as the team name.
Do you want the Seminoles to win or not?
Cooper needs to be in the 2031 starting lineup, okay?
His kids going places.
All right, all right, folks.
We have a great segment for you.
This is a fun thing that we have planned.
It is called Everyone's On.
If you've been watching the show,
you know that every week we do an Always On segment
where myself and Andrew joke off with jokes
that we wrote based around headlines for that week.
This week, we opened up a poll,
not even a poll, just a-
Inbox, essentially.
Yeah, a suggestion box for jokes
that people, anyone in the company could send in to us.
And we will be reading them off of the teleprompters live.
Oh, for the first time.
For the first time.
Have never seen the jokes.
Yeah.
So.
So without any further ado, it's time for everyone's on.
Ha ha ha.
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Welcome everybody to everyone's on
As I already explained we opened up a suggestion box and let anyone who works at rooster teeth
Submit jokes that we will now be reading absolutely
Yeah, cold without knowing anything that we're going to do.
So fuck, man, without any further ado, I guess I'm going to start us off.
We'll see if there's another episode of this show.
This might be the consolidated efforts of everyone to get us canceled.
For sure.
Welcome to the last episode of our TP. Yeah, okay
Welcome to always on the segment where the cast of our TP turns headlines into punchlines
Whereas everyone else in the office calls it the minority report
And that one came from HR
That's a Venus special. Oh, jeez.
Damn.
Okay.
A California woman was arrested for stealing $2,500 in Stanley Cups.
Police caught her in a cup-sting operation, also known as a thirst trap.
Wait and be...
That's my joke from last...
Oh, shit.
Sorry, shut it down.
That's my joke from last week. That is your joke from set it down that's my joke from last week
that is your joke from last week yeah joke from last week what happened come on folks did somebody
submit to the joke i think somebody submitted andrew's joke wait to the mugshot all right
Wait, take a mug shot.
All right.
Netflix just signed a five billion with a B dollar deal with WWE
to get their weekly live show raw on the streaming Giants platform.
I'm not partially excited about wrestling, but bringing over my honey for some Netflix and raw docking sounds like my style.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. say not particularly interested in WWE, but they did write partially. Yeah. So I wrote
it. I read it as is. Yeah, you don't add it. You got to go. Oh my God. What's on the
prompter? All right. A recent rule change in Missouri now allows senators to challenge
each other to a duel. Texas lawmakers are asking, Hey, why didn't we think about because
you know, absolutely everyone would want to shoot Ted Cruz on the fucking face. That's not a joke.
CALLING FOR-
Woo!
Woo!
Someone's getting on the knock of the door from the FBI!
If you think I'm not on the list for threats against political officials already, you
don't know me, itcher.
That one wasn't even on the prompter.
That was off the dome, baby.
The prompter cut out that was just all right
in space news
NASA has regained contact with its Mars helicopter ingenuity after reported
communications blackout that lasted two whole days attempts at regaining
Connection included. Hey, you still there was it was it something I said I thought you were different and if you don't text back I'm an KMS whatever you are ugly anyway
fuck you bitch ass helicopter
Furiously getting on poor. Sorry my friend took my phone. Yeah
That's so good
alright
Pow world aka AI Pokemon animal abuse the game But it's okay because we gave the animals guns to is currently all the rage selling over six million copies
And I personally don't see what the big deal is.
The three of us are just AI replicas of Gus,
Bernie and non-descript female host.
And that's how we got this podcast.
That's not true.
Ah!
Oh my God.
Bernie, Gus and female.
That's true. That were true, I, and female. That's true.
That were true.
I'd be blonde.
That's true.
She's a scrabble.
The other one.
It makes sense.
All those emails they've asked us to dye my hair.
Yeah.
OK.
Wait, so those contacts I got in the mail.
The blue ones?
Yeah.
Those are from higher up.
Interesting.
All right.
Another week goes by and I can't wait for some brand new awesome
roosterteeth content. Gonna wake up early brush my teeth comb my hair feed my dog step into my time machine to 2013 and sit down and
enjoy the internet's finest. That's brave. That is brave. That's brave to assume they didn't mean the 2006 content. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha favorite internet content oh smart College humor just the Pokemon lip sync video
Oh folks
You know it's really hard to find a good place to live in a city like Austin housing prices are just atrocious
Even apartments are tough to get in just as Armando who lives at
How do you possibly get an apartment there fourth floor apartment?
What
That's definitely getting bleeped
Oh my god, all right, um wow, what's the funniest one? I think we all get to have a vote this time.
I think I've gotta throw it to go back in time to 2013.
I was gonna say Time Machine is probably my favorite one.
Pretty good.
Or the joke that was just your joke that they made Griff.
They made me read. All right, let's go Time Machine. Good or the joke that was just your joke
All right, let's go time machine time machine
There we go. We wrote time machine joke Tyler. Do we know do we know no?
They're all submitted
Coward if you work here and you wrote that joke, slack me. Yeah.
Oh, absolutely phenomenal.
Okay, thank you so much for joining us.
I've been Armando Torres.
I've been Andrew Rosas.
And I'm just waiting for the HR meeting.
And we'll see you next week.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
We wanted to call the podcast minority report, but they wouldn't let us.
They wouldn't let us.
They wouldn't let us.
They wouldn't let us.
Oh.
So we should have called Elvish on.