Rooster Teeth Podcast - Guck a Sub - #790
Episode Date: February 19, 2024How much guck could a sub get gucked if a gucked sub could guk subs? ..... This episode brought to you by Rooster Teeth First. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices...
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This is a Rooster Teeth production. Welcome to the only show that's willing to say,
babe, you've never seen Goodfellas before?
Oh, we gotta watch it.
It's only three hours and I won't let you pee at all during it.
We gotta miss your sister's wedding for this baby
i can't believe you've never seen it it's the rt podcast
i am your host armando torres and joining me as always is andrew rosas hello and I'm Drew Saplin yeah suck it nerd buddy why are
you so mean I'm just I'm here and I'm mean that's what that's my shtick today it's not a little bit
it's a reunion of the most you remember that show that we used to make yeah Andrew and Drew show it
was really good yeah during the pandemic Andrew and Drew and Armando's show were you ever on it
no no you were never ever on it? No.
No.
You were never even on it.
You don't remember the episode?
You were never on the most.
No.
Are you fucking serious right now? You were not on the most.
Guys, stop down.
Are we really?
Do you really?
That episode that was so the most we couldn't air it?
What do we do on the most, Armando?
How did the most, what was the structure of the most?
Very simple show. Yeah. I love that love that you've definitely seen a bunch of episodes
of yep i absolutely love hey siri the most podcast fucking bitch looking up donnie most
tens of downloads i love we had dozen of fans yeah i love the most i thought it was such a
good show that you guys hosted.
As you guys said, too, during the pandemic, the plandemic, if you're nasty,
which was a show where Susan Hyatt and Robert Hurley
teach you to become the most sissed version of yourself.
Son of a bitch.
A show where low
battery 10
percent
i uh want
to thank
everyone uh
for being
here and
hey if you
like this
show that we
make and
the most
uh then you
should go to
the rt
podcast.com
slash first
that's the best
way to support
us and help us do the stuff
that we do we get to make this show and if you become a first member you get a bunch of awesome
rewards too like uh exclusive discord hangouts where you get to hang out with us and other hosts
from your other favorite shows uh rt tv streams where you get to be the only people who comment
that's right we're censoring people if you don't have enough money you're not allowed
to talk it's pay to play baby i was gonna say if you donate enough we won't give you access to
it it actually costs more to not get access to us where we won't assault you with all these bad
jokes and shit yeah oh man so go check out. And also because you're doing that,
we're able to do a bunch of really cool things.
We made that Blitzbear video.
We're getting to do some more RT pieces.
We have one that's coming out that we filmed this week.
That's Griff and I trying to open a ramen store in the office.
That's how you know it's good because you called it a ramen store.
That's how you know you're getting quality product well watch the video because we legally could not call
it a restaurant right we ran into a few legal troubles um so god an absolute uh blast go to uh
the website domain that i can't remember that we bought so anyway the rt podcast no no no the one
we bought for the ramen shop oh right oh my god yeah it'll it'll flash at the bottom of the screen
and it'll probably have to be like multiple lines because it's so long yeah yeah yeah if you missed
it then you weren't there so anyway the rt podcast.com slash first thank you so much for
helping us out but now it's time for this show a show that i like very much um last week we talked about valentine's day
stuff because it was about to be valentine's day um this week obviously valentine's day has passed
yes and so i'm hoping that you asked your partner to be your valentine that's one of the things we
talked about last week by the way is uh there's a new trend of people expecting you to ask them
to be your valentine again andrew why are you looking
at me like that because you're married i thought andrew trying to get in there yeah i thought he
was trying to ask you before of course i asked of course i asked my my fiancee to be my valentine
how'd you do it i said do you want to be my we were watching mr and mrs smith
on the toilet through a door
that's it you just asked you a door. Hey, do you want to be my valentine? We're on a toilet paper in here.
That's it?
You just asked?
You just asked a question?
What do you mean?
What are you supposed to do?
Do you have to do more shit?
Yeah.
No, it's valentine's day.
Skywriting is my favorite one, because it's the only way to be romantic where somebody
else might die.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also, I don't feel like skywriting, you have to wait.
Like I-L-O.
Putting it together, I think they're going to put it together really fast.
The other thing I love about skywriting is that it is the only Valentine's Day gift you
can give for somebody that everyone around you can also take credit for if you're not
specific enough.
Yes.
Or if you make your partner go inside before
they spell out the name i love you forever oh honey that's so sweet yeah okay no no no no no
deep kiss carry inside i think it's very funny that you asked your partner to be your valentine
the way that like old people asked each other to marry them or it's very funny that you asked your partner to be your Valentine the way that, like, old people asked each other to marry them.
Whereas, like, we were sitting there watching the tube and I just knew I wanted to marry her.
So I asked her the question right then and there.
Didn't have a ring.
Didn't need one.
We were both 16.
Yeah.
Two years later, we had seven children.
Doesn't make any sense.
After the war.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did you ask your partner to be be their valentine oh yeah i talked about this last week i asked my partner to be my
valentine uh with by making a playlist um which i do for them every year on valentine's day but
this year i recorded the playlist onto cassette uh which i wanted my partner to be able to play
in their car because
they said that they hated having to go to soundcloud to listen to the dj set uh and so i
put it on cassette and then found a cassette player with bluetooth connectivity hell yeah so
that they could play uh the tape in their bluetooth enabled car um and And Andrew and I had a conversation about this, how the bar is so low universally
across the board in the dating landscape right now
that like you can knock it,
you can Babe Ruth that shit so easily.
What are you just like being able to be above and beyond as a?
Well, I've talked to a couple of women
who are not in
relationships who in the last relationship they were in like a let's just say like getting flowers
would have been like tear-inducingly generous what happened like what has happened to the
bag dudes like dude like also like i like, this is how far flowers go.
Flowers are essentially, like,
equivalent to skywriting because the bar is so low.
Because, like, my friends,
my female friends have gone on dates
where the dudes don't ask them
a single question about themselves.
Yikes.
Which is, like, so insane to me.
Like, the thought of not,
of going on a date with a woman and not asking her a
question doesn't,
I can't even do the calculus for that.
That doesn't even make sense to me.
It's like,
why are you there?
If not to learn something about the person across from you.
So like,
so again,
to teach you about Joe Rogan,
only questions I'm asking is,
do you listen to JRE?
Are you subscribed to JRE? Are you subscribed to JRE?
And have you seen Goodfellas?
It's three hours long.
You cannot be in the middle of it.
Do you have alpha gorilla mindset?
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, bar is ridiculously low.
Underground, it's so low.
Not just, well, I mean, especially for men, because we're pretty fucking awful.
Oh, just gross.
Yeah, just gross. Across the board, most of us are pretty fucking awful just oh just gross yeah just g-r-o-s across
the board most of us are pretty fucking disgusting and terrible but even the other way of just like
i was telling somebody else that they were like what do you love the most about your partner i
was like that they love me and they were like bleak my man that's the only thing required jesus that is the work requirement to be here like that is the yeah
exactly oh my god so yeah there's a whole new valentine's day meta that's going on you gotta
ask your partner to be your valentine check um you gotta pretend like you know we're high
schoolers and you're doing a promposal which is what i think you said last week which very apt wait did you do promposals because i was too old for prom no no i got um i was in like
academic discipline for my first prom availability and i wasn't able to go i wasn't allowed to go
you want to hear a sad fact about drew sapling sure i went to six proms what is that a sad fact
it's a sad fact that's well it becomes sad when you realize that it means that they had to go too, too early
and too, too late.
You want to hear an incriminating fact?
This was last year.
Oh!
Like three proms, not sad.
Like, oh, you went to your friend's prom, whatever.
Sure.
You went sophomore year, junior year, whatever.
Six proms.
I don't know what I was chasing, dog. I don't know what i was chasing dog i don't know what i was after like pussy like i guess i know i mean corsaged pussy
i i think so okay if i'm in your shoes and i go and i i'm like i'm in your rented shoes
i'm in those rented patent leather
shoes that feel like walking it just on lava it's so painful uh those shoes um just arch
destroyingly bad um if i'm in your shoes and i go to if i get two prom i'm going to two proms
i'm like okay let's let's fucking let's let's run it back let's see if i can get three
and then if i hit three i'm just it's okay, now it's time to run up the score.
Now it's time to go fucking Bulls Hornets.
I'm dropping 60 points on them.
I'm fucking Kobe.
And I'm looking at the record.
I'm going, I can do 80 prompts.
Yeah.
I can do 80 prompts.
80 prompts.
I'm doing 10 prompts per year.
More than one.
Like, okay, maybe you do coat check your freshman year, but then you do, like, pick a prom, go to that prom.
That's your prom.
That's it.
You don't need mass proms.
Did you go to six proms, one per year?
No, I did two every year for three years.
Okay.
That makes it better.
Sophomore, junior, senior, two a year.
Two a year.
Okay.
Okay.
So, okay.
Okay, so... Okay.
Going to six proms also,
you get divided pretty starkly down two lines in my mind.
And Drew, I don't want to cast dispersions.
I don't want to make a judgment call on you.
Just do it, coward.
But here it is.
You either are, you go to six proms,
you are an all-star fucking pussy getter.
Or you're, man, what a nice guy. What what a nice safe guy to take to prom who's not
gonna try anything bingo what a guy who's not gonna like put a move on me he's just a fun guy
to go to dinner with and like go to the dance yeah that's pretty great that your life in high
school was either like either like he's got the biggest dick i've ever seen. Or Drew. I'm pretty sure he's gay.
I'm pretty sure.
Yeah.
He's my theater friend.
Yeah.
He's my theater friend who leads the church band.
I'm going to be fine.
Yeah.
You are either like,
you are either putting Wilt Chamberlain numbers up or you are.
Or Wilted Chamberlain.
And brother, you know what as a as a theater cinema kid who went to an arts high school
guess where i fell yeah on that dichotomy yeah there's a theater kid who mostly worked
uh house i was selling tickets can't do that face it doesn't end well for me i know i my first prom
i i was on like academic probation or something so i wasn't allowed to go and then the second prom
uh that i went to i went to i got invited to go to coachella instead and so I told my girlfriend at the time I'm going to Coachella and she said and I quote oh I remember telling myself well it's fine she said it was fine she
said it was fine they can't lie you can't something can't be not fine if you say it's fine
so uh it turns out it wasn't fine. And we don't date anymore.
Hey.
Oh, man.
Which is fine.
Which is fine.
And I'm saying it's fine.
And I mean it.
No, it is great.
One thing that I learned about Valentine's Day recently that I think both of you boys
might enjoy very much.
I found out that my partner, their stepmom, for certain holidays will send care packages, including gift bags of goodies, candies, etc.
To hand out to my partner's friends.
And one of these is Valentine's Day.
So effectively, my partner's stepmom is sending Valentine's Day gifts to my partner's friends.
Does that make sense?
I mean, it makes, I understood what you said.
It doesn't make sense.
To do that, right?
To do that.
It's like a very fifth grade thing.
Yeah, it's a very, yes.
Take a candy basket to your friend.
It's a very fifth grade thing.
Does she mail them directly to these people?
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, thank.
So a large box and when i say a large
box i am going to show you guys the picture but i'm not able to show it on the podcast for obvious
reasons of course um the box with the hand on it holy fucking hell is that your hand no no
jesus christ the box with the hand on it's a huge fucking box so in this giant box are a
bunch of goodie bags asking people to be their valentine again my partner's stepmother's valentine
sure and the way that the way that this woman gets the names is just by remembering whatever names
that my partner mentions over the year through conversations and stories.
She must write them down.
She writes them down every time a name is mentioned.
But does not seem to make any delineation about the topic of conversation.
Sure.
Okay, so that means now I have a goal.
Now I just want to get on your partner your partner's stepmom's valentine's
day list which is easy because my partner was telling me about it and being like i haven't
even fucking talked to jessica all year the one time i brought up jessica was because she was
being kind of a bitch yeah exactly now i gotta go give her this can yeah my mom got you this
she thinks i like yeah the sentence was that bitch jessica stabbed me in the back and
the mom just went scanned for name jessica rolodex just oh my god i think it's so funny that like you
can get on this person also uh because it's like all about like who they're talking about on their
very short phone calls because it's a phone call with like a stepmom right yeah it's it's it's in it's out it's easy you're done you're gone but also what
a kind thing for a stepmom to do just like oh i i'm in this person's life here's some stuff here's
some stuff i love you and your people here you go absolutely i care but because um my name has not come up all of the time.
Did you not get a Valentine's?
We're not sure if I've gotten a Valentine's Day gift.
Because again, a lot of the conversations that they have
are to talk about the problems.
And so I am not sure that I have gotten one.
And I said that if I don't get one they're gonna demote me
to minor league boyfriend and i don't get to play in the majors anymore no here's the but the good
news is the merch is so much better for minor league the hat the hats and jerseys fucking rule
they fit better they look better they got cooler colorways so here's here's my pitch for something that we're
going to start doing every single year every year on valentine's day we are going to host a dinner
and the only way to get an invite is to get stepmom's valentine's day gift wow that's awesome
bring together all the people that your stepmom thinks are in your life for one dinner party.
One exclusive dinner.
Yeah.
Wow.
What a weird, eclectic group of people with nothing in common other than being mentioned in passing conversations.
What we have just invented is the first act of a murder mystery.
Absolutely.
This is the only way this goes.
Now, you all have reason to kill me.
And there's a reason my stepmother oh man wives out uh wives out is very good guys that's why they pay me the medium bucks
how hard do you think it would be to have a murder mystery dinner? Like how many, like the logistics of just like building out.
Like, are you, okay.
Are you talking about like a game or like a real murder mystery?
Yeah, a game.
Guys, hypothetically.
Hypothetically.
How do you get rid of a body?
If you were to kill a man and then invite your friends over and blame one of them,
who would you blame and why?
And how?
Yeah.
If you were to accidentally stab someone and watch the light leave their eyes in the last breath,
catch the taillights under the criss-cross moon.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
How would you go about hanging out with your friends after that?
I've been to a murder mystery dinner before.
Like one that was put on not professionally, but by friends.
Actually, I don't think that they would mind me saying it.
I went to Chris Damaris' murder mystery dinner party.
Who died?
A random person.
Did you just hire an actor to come in and die?
There was two hired actors neither
one of them were the people that died uh the person that died was just one of chris's partner's
friends who was there and was very bewildered that they basically were not allowed to talk
or hang out with anyone in the party after they had died here's my favorite part because it sounds shitty right it sounds bad
about midway through a new character was introduced to the party that came late played by
the murder victim so that they could now have been take place in part of the party and they
tried really hard to make themselves a red herring,
but we all knew the person who showed up 20 minutes ago didn't do the murder. Didn't do the murder.
That's so funny.
It was bad.
What?
God.
I love that Chris lives inside I Think You Should Leave.
Yeah.
Like he lives in the, I feel like he just like appeared from that world,
from the mind of Tim Robinson.
Like it's just has exited that,
that realm.
It was a fun game with a lot of like really weird mechanics to it.
One of the other parts of it is that it was like old timey Hollywood.
One of the most tiresome aesthetics.
Yeah.
Just the most prom theme party.
Oh my God. I'm Charlie Cha chaplin you're hitler oh man
i've got a i've got a like a that fucking pasted on curl uh it's like i've got a cigarette and a
long holder oh i'm a flapper get the fuck out of here one of the most garbage aesthetic aesthetics
there ever was all murder mysteries are themed after the roaring 20s,
old Hollywood, or on a train.
That's it.
That's it.
That's all you can do.
The only places one could be murdered.
Well, because there has to be an excuse
for people to stay there.
Right.
So it has to be a place where people are
essentially held captive until the murder is solved.
I disagree.
Cars had barely been invented.
Just the 1920s.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Can't leave. My've barely been invented. Just the 1920s. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Can't leave.
My car doesn't exist.
New, modernized fucking murder mystery dinner.
The lights go out because no one paid the bill.
Bam.
Someone in this Waffle House just got shot.
Done.
Sold.
100%.
We're fucking in there.
You're in the Waffle House.
You can't leave the Waffle House because the cops are on the way.
Fucking line cook in an apron sticks a broom in the door.
No one leaves.
Nobody leaves.
As somebody at this Waffle House just got shot,
all of us have priors.
We're not able to get out of here.
We have to solve it before the cops come here
because we're also all brown or gay.
That's right.
So they're going to take us all to jail.
We're all going to jail.
Yeah.
Oh my.
How many fights have you seen in a Waffle House?
Twice.
The victim's been capped, boy well that's it for me guys yeah that's the best joke of the day i'm gonna be out i've
seen two fights at a waffle house uh and one of them uh was so bad that we got our food comped um because it doesn't
happen yeah because it wasn't a one fight was exciting and fun and cool and it was two dudes
like fighting it out and then the waffle house employees went verbatim they went hey hey hey
none of that shit and then the two dudes went and then sat back down at their respective tables and
went back to eating yeah which was just fucking awesome different tables by the way did not come
together we are so weirdly related we armando and i are both wearing shirts for heat shirts
the movie nobody told me it was a heat day oh do you have a heat shirt yes of course i have a heat
shirt at home it's uh it's one of the best movies of all time that's one of my absolute favorites
uh it's one of those never seen it it's one of those few pieces of shit it's one of those movies
that like if if it just started or if it's like 30 minutes from the i'll watch the rest of the
stand you stand up you stand i mean you're like uh-huh i'll stand for an hour inside a best buy
and just watch the rest of
the movie that's playing on the magnolia like theater system test standing behind somebody's
couch i feel like there's a moment there's a moment in heat there's a moment in heat where
they're like after the after the heist the beginning heist they're sitting there and there's
a guy at the diner this is diner related there's a guy at the diner who like looks up because they
beat the shit out of wayne grow and tom sizemore just like leans over and mean mugs the fuck out of the trucker that
look that tom sizemore gets or the look that time size more gives i have seen every time i've been
to a waffle house someone has done like like i'm not starting like not necessarily at me but at
someone in the waffle house that exact like i necessarily at me, but at someone in the Waffle House.
That exact, like, do something, bitch.
I feel like in the parking lot of a Waffle House, I've seen people hyping themselves up to get in a fight.
Like, in the car, loud music.
Why is that the place to fight?
It's just like a sanctioned place.
Like, Starbucks is a place where you, like, sell old appliances.
And shit in the bathroom for free.
Waffle House is a place where you go to fuck someone up.
Right.
My partner had never been.
And I was like,
do you want to go?
And she's like,
Oh,
it's like an IHOP,
right?
I was like,
no,
no,
it's not.
It's a trillion times better.
Let's be very clear.
Absolutely.
And then we walk in and the two cooks,
it's the,
it's the one from the famous waffle house fight.
The two cooks are just wailing on each other.
And then,
uh,
they stop and we sit down and have a breakfast in the leaf.
And it was
just like yeah yeah no word no other word spoken i like that there is like an unspoken rule of the
waffle house of like i don't know okay i'm gonna say this understand that i know that it's not 100
true i feel like i have seen less shootings at waffle house than there should have been.
Does that make sense?
Like obviously people have gotten shot at Waffle House.
Obviously people have gotten heated and pulled out guns,
but it is nice that it's not as much as it should be
for how often there are fights there.
How often people scrap.
You don't bring a gun to a Waffle fight.
Yes, it's just an unspoken rule that in this moment in time,
we're fucking duking it out.
Fist only, fist only.
Waffle house hockey rules.
Yes.
Everyone who works in a waffle house is a dude.
Until somebody gets their shirt pulled up over their head,
you're allowed to, until somebody hits the floor,
you're allowed to continue fighting.
I love the fucking, the cooks and the servers
picking up their gear and then just like moving everyone back so they have enough space holy shit uh the second time i went to a
waffle house and saw a fight uh it wasn't as cool as that it was like they really got into it uh and
then i think one guy started bleeding and then it was like so upsetting it wasn't even a fun fight
it was like a it was a fucking blowout honestly should have been done in the ref should have stopped it early but it was so upsetting to watch that they just comped our meal
and told us we should go please leave very funny i don't think it can be overstated how like
waffle house is such waffle house should be government subsidized because they do such a
public service for america's most hungover people waffle houses
saved my life i like believe that like as much as like you know as much you know as shit as i give
it i think like it truly like reached down into the darkness and pulled me out of maybe the worst
hangovers i've ever had i feel like very confident that that phrase waffle house has just saved my life is uttered at least
five times a day every weekend every weekend there are 10 people who are just like jesus christ
it's exactly what i need it said exactly like that fucking head in hand toast being used to
Jesus Christ this fucking fucking waffle saved my life.
And then they look up and see the guy at the next table and go, it's fucking
awesome.
Load-bearing hash browns.
Those are structural hash browns
to the human soul. You can't make hash browns
at home. This is the craziest shit. Have you ever
tried to make homemade hash browns? Yeah, they suck ass.
It's impossible.
They are on two ends where
i've either absolutely burned the shit out of them or they never get out of the wet soggy oil
phase i cannot figure out how to fucking do it no idea only waffle house knows secret air fryer i
know that's like a pop i know that's i know that's in vogue i know that's in vogue. I know that's in Vogue. It's in Vogue. Hey, Siri.
Set a fucking appointment for Waffle House and invite True Roses.
Gloves off.
No, just because I completely agree.
Because usually you're getting them frozen potatoes.
Because you're not hand mashing.
But even if you do hand mash them, they still blow.
Grating the hand potato fucking sucks.
Are you grating a potato? Yeah, I'm grating do hand mashing they still blow like you can't grating the hand potato fucking sucks no you're grating a potato yeah i'm great no this is hand mashing this stupid bitch has got
a fucking air fryer would shut the fuck up about it i know it's very in vogue but it does do
potatoes the best it's the best way to do potatoes i'm sorry the other day invited me over to make me
fries in the air fryer and go air fryer did that can you believe it eating these fries like yeah man i can't believe that yeah yeah they're good they're fine i mean compared to oven baked it
doesn't it's not even a fucking contest but i agree even still in the air fryer home hash browns
terrible and i think i i attribute this to three things one your i don't care how seasoned your cast iron skill it is sure it is
not as seasoned with decades of grease that a waffle house flat top is yeah absolutely which
is like key to holding like the seasoning that and i also i think like the heat on that thing
like almost flash fries it on the griddle so that moisture out of there baby
out of there it gets out of there and like i don't know why my home skillet that can get to like
a like if a flash point can get to like make my skillet white hot can't seem to get the potatoes
that crispy without burning them and also remove filling the whole house full of smoke
and then also just making everything smells like truly going around and removing every smoke
detector because it's like this shit's gonna get real i feel like it is my dream to own a diner
like a breakfast diner that and this is when i say dream i mean like it's not reasonable i mean
like when i am pie in the sky, rich. Yeah. Like I have,
I have just absolutely made it.
Uh,
I want a diner that I own that I can just show up to and cook at.
You want,
you want,
you want a Maddie Mathis's life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You want Rizzo's house of parm that he just rolls into and does whatever.
I want,
I want it to be like,
yeah,
we went to this waffle house on fucking Figaro.
And when I showed up, like Armando Torres was cooking in there even if i'm not known i just wanted to be
like who's this fat mexican just coming in and owning the restaurant i just want my name on a
menu that is my life uh beyond having a statue beyond like being commemorated you want the
sapling i want the the sapling on a menus and i got close once
i got really close it was a pizza it was a pizza my friends in la when i lived in la i ordered we
all got just blasted and i was like i'm gonna order a piece of the best thing you ever had in
your life and it is a meatball caramela olive feta pizza uh oh and roasted garlic that's the
other one okay and they called it the sapling uh slapping
sapling and they would call the pizza place and just order it there's like we want to slap and
sapling and the guy would know what it was and it was getting like some traction so other people
were ordering it and it never happened so damn it america makes slapping sapling the pizza happen
i don't care what is on it just do it i call it that because if you order that pizza i'm gonna
okay beating the fuck out of your dumb ass.
You know Sharpies exist, right?
You can be on every menu at every place you've ever been to.
I want to ask you guys this now.
If you could have a food item named after you, what would it be?
What would be your menu?
Party sub.
Six foot party sub?
Six foot party sub.
Party sub.
Okay.
I think the funniest part about it is that if it is a six-foot party sub,
the implication is this guy came in here every fucking week.
And just ordered a party sub.
Ordered a party sub.
I'll take a sapling, please.
And I watched him eat it in one go.
Most harrowing shit I've ever seen in my life.
The cooks were biting their hats in the back,
looking over the fucking like order up where he was like,
watching a guy eat like a duck,
eat a six party sub.
Like a duck.
Gucking that thing.
I can really guck a sub right now.
The best way to eat the fucking sapling party sub is to fucking deep throat it. Guys, I'm starving to death. I got to guck a sub, right? The best way to eat the fucking sapling party sub is to fucking deep throat it.
Guys, I'm starving to death.
I gotta guck a sub.
Every foot of the sandwich has two sets of meatballs, and you're supposed to get it down to the pulse.
Guys, I'm afraid gucking a sub doesn't mean what you think it does.
No, what are you talking about?
You fucking guck.
Well, my Grindr profile.
That's the name of the sandwich restaurant.
Guggis.
Grindr.
Grindr profile.
profile oh god okay all right okay i hate
what's your answer i think it would be really fun to have a menu item named after me that doesn't
really have any description like you go to a fancy restaurant right like you go to osteria mozza in
fucking los angeles and there's a dish on there that's just called the armando torres and the description
of the dish where everything else has the food listed it's just like a dish often ordered by
armando torres or something sure and when you get it it's like fucking gruel like i like the
nastiest thing you could possibly imagine he eats this he eats it all the time the chef comes out
and hands you a fucking car payment bill for like $2,000 or something.
It's fucking rough.
It's awful.
They boot your car.
Yeah, you order the armada towards your check engine light comes on.
Oh my God.
So, by the way, Tyler, guk a sub.
That's what the title of the episode is called.
And I know, hold on, let me do this for the thumbnail hold on hold on
let me get an alt take for you
very good
we got it
yeah I
oh god
give me the Armando Torres.
I'm just going to alert my credit score.
We went dramatically lower.
God damn.
Oh,
if I'm being honest with you,
what I would really want is I would want it to be like,
if in a perfect world,
I would want it to be like some form of pasta right sure but here's the
problem about naming a food after a person the easiest method to do it with is something that is
baseline with different toppings a slapping sapling a pizza super easy because it's just
like a variation of different things a sandwich same thing also very easy i would even say like
a hot dog a burger all that shit very easy i would even say like a hot
dog a burger all that shit sure the things where it's like there's a base version of the thing
and then there is the other thing of it that's easy to name after pasta is a little hard because
like any variation of pasta is just named after what that is yeah exactly it's like any food that exactly has like your standard like the like standard
version and then it's all toppings it's all it's deviant yeah the the toppings define what the
thing is called the margarita has the like you know basil and the uh-huh this is it's not as
funny as i'm as my face gave it away to be but i thought it would be great if in my diner the one that i
own in my dream there's a dish called the armando torres and it describes a burger and when you
order it they bring me the burger but they add it to your bill yeah this is uh you order the
armando torres it goes to him it goes to him what did you think this was it's like the pellets at
the zoo just dumps them out into like the pellets at the zoo.
Dumps them out into like the crown clutches. You really wanna have a flat palm
when you walk up to me,
because I bite.
What's yours, Andrew?
What's your- Oh man.
I mean, again, like I think that like the obvious answer
is like a sandwich of some kind.
Can I hit you with something?
Hit me with it.
I think it would be a variation of a breakfast taco.
Oh.
For you.
For me?
Yeah.
Especially, unfortunately too, because I do like your name.
I think you have a good name.
But the Roses or the Rosie, that's a good fucking name for a dish.
The Slap and Saplin, also very good. For me, you got to have the Terrifying Torres or something.
It's got to sound mean. The torres or something like it's gotta
sound mean the terror torres yeah it's like a fucking bad toilet torres it'll make you shit
yourself but the roses for alarm chili yeah the torres is a challenge food yeah it's like the one
ship 90 wings yeah if you if you finish the torres in under an hour it's free yeah if you finish the Torres in under an hour, it's free. Yeah. If you finish the Torres in under an hour, you get your name on a plaque.
It's called a tombstone because it will kill you.
It will kill you.
What's crazy is that the Torres usually finishes itself in about two minutes.
Anyway, so.
Don't do that when I'm drinking coffee, you piece of shit.
The roses.
Either is, I mean, it would be a great sandwich but knowing you i feel like a breakfast taco
is kind of the way to go i you know you you say that and then i immediately went absolutely what's
on it okay stay with me on this this is not okay we actually talked about this the other day it is
hash brown it's a potato chorizo egg and cheese with a avocado tomatillo sauce on it.
Now, the potatoes aren't the diced seasoned cubes.
No.
I want hash brown potatoes.
But like the frozen McDonald's kind?
Like the sticks?
No, no, no, no.
You're talking about Waffle House.
I want Waffle House style, like chopped hash brown.
So, tortilla?
Yeah.
The Waffle House, like flat, like griddle.
Then the eggs and the chorizo.
Cheese.
Fold that bad boy up.
That's very good.
That's, ooh, God.
No beans?
No beans.
No cheese on the tortilla?
Cheese on the toppings?
Ooh.
Oh, change.
Tortilla, cheese.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then the hash browns.
Glues it together because that cheese is gonna
melt with the hash browns on top of it on top too this is my it's my dream taco yeah yeah do you
know that our plan is to open up a breakfast taco shop really wow can't get in on that yeah need
investors need somebody to name some menu items yeah let's go let's fucking go we uh i'm sorry
that i'm airing out our plans like this. No, I mean, it's fine.
Our plan, if this content creation business doesn't work out, is to, we're going to move
to the Pacific Northwest and just open authentic Mexican food places.
Oh, yeah.
You'd fucking crush it.
There's no authentic Mexican food that far north.
Nope.
There's one place in Portland that serves San Diego style Mexican food.
And I went there and I tried it.
And my friend was really excited for me to try the carne asada fries.
This is when I was like, I was on tour and I had been gone from home for like three months.
I was so excited for these fucking fries.
And then they sucked ass.
And I said, oh, brutal.
They're fucking bad.
And they were like, the hosts or the owners of the restaurant are from San Diego.
And I go, what part of San Diego? Did not know the owners were behind me. And san diego and i go what part of san diego did
not know the owners were behind me and they went la jolla fuck off i thought when you said the
owners were from fucking san diego i thought they were gonna look like me i didn't know they were
gonna be named brad and jaleesa jaleesa that's not right it was like alice or some shit but
fucking wrong still wrong still yeah i it's interesting though that is the
plan by the way we're gonna get out here and open up that taco spot but we're naming it after one
of our grandmothers yeah great can't be mine though why not my grandmother's name is yolanda
yeah that's that shit won't fly you can't do it if we name the restaurant yolanda it'll be covered in selena pictures
yeah fucking justice for yeah exactly justice for and then a picture of selena um we have to have
a taco called the selena oh yeah exactly um no i was gonna say the uh the problem is this is the
only problem i foresee is like all my friends all the texas expats that i know in
portland which there are a few all just absolutely champing at the bit not even chomping they're
champing the correct word champing at the bit for breakfast tacos up there oh i mean anytime i'm in
la i want a breakfast taco but i think i think that breakfast tacos are like a Texas thing.
I think most people everywhere don't know what they are.
It's like bagels in New York are better because of the water.
Like, I feel like there's something about Texas breakfast tacos that are specific to
this region that you can't replicate elsewhere.
I think that they're just like, they're a you guys thing.
Cause like, I love Mexican food.
I grew up in Los Angeles.
Then I moved to San Diego.
We don't, we have like breakfast burritos
but like breakfast tacos are like a texas thing right that's the other thing too with our
restaurant is that it's going to be half tex like texas style mexican food and the other half like
san diego la baja california style mexican food um and we're what did we say we're gonna call it
the the texas california alliance and then in parentheses
like from that movie of the civil war that a24 put out next line do you guys remember that movie
or at least the trailer next line that was a wild premise for a movie comma next line at least we
know the civil war happened between Donald Trump and the Swifties.
Next line, a Torres Rosa joint.
Very good.
Yeah.
End parentheses.
Yeah, exactly.
The truck is going to be huge.
Yeah.
Massive truck.
We have a trailer just for the name.
Right.
It continues.
It just continues on as you drive it down the highway.
What's in there?
Nothing.
You just had to get another truck.
No fucking name on it.
But yeah, I think it'll work.
However, I think it's going to require some convincing of getting some tastemakers to come through.
I think you're also going to have to import some ingredients.
I think you're going to have to bring some shit from Texas.
My favorite taco place in Los Angeles.
The tacos are good i should specify but there's like
the burritos in los angeles that are my favorite that i would go to every single week when i live
there is from sonoratown where they import the ingredients from sonora mexico every single uh
week i believe um and so like if they're doing that in los angeles we're for sure gonna have to
do it in the pacific northwest but i really think we can do it i think we can get the tastemakers i
think we're cool enough i think we're young enough ish for now and also i've seen the other types of
like hit places that they have it's not hard the bar's not hot no donuts are not good voodoo
donuts fucking sucks. Breakfast bitch.
Have you been to breakfast bitch?
No.
Or biscuit bitch?
It's one of the others.
It's got bitch in the title, which I really like.
Yeah, it's just bird bird biscuit here, but with a much more aggressive marketing strategy.
I don't know.
It's not hard.
I feel like we could do it.
I think the thing that we do have going for us is that Portland is probably 50 times better
food scene than Austin is.
Austin really likes to think of itself as a food city.
It's not.
It's a real B-.
That's like one of your favorite hot takes.
It's a real B-.
Oh, yeah.
100%.
What's the worst food city you've ever been to that claims it's a food city and is not?
Vegas.
Oh, wow. Inspired choice. inspired choice yes 100 one million percent i'm gonna go denver really denver is a food
desert nasty sucks and everybody who lives there's like i love it and it's like you love mayonnaise
no it's awful it's awful we gotta we gotta get out of here and being told i will agree with you
on denver however
i talked about this on one of the other podcasts that we just did uh colorado springs colorado
yeah is the fast food mecca of the world they have whataburger they have in and out they have
fucking culvers dude they have del taco they have Red Robin. They have every fast food type place that you could imagine in the country.
They're just, for some reason, Colorado Springs, Colorado gets them all.
That's insane.
They get every regional chain somehow.
They have Jack in the Box, but they also, like, Culver's is huge.
The Midwest.
Oh, yeah.
That's awesome.
I saw a Sonics.
They have it all.
They have it fucking all.
They got a Sonics.
Anyway, if you want to stop us
from opening a taco shop northwest then go to drtpodcast.com slash first um and hey thanks
for hanging out with us we're not saying goodbye yet but we are kicking off my favorite segment
that we do every week it's called always on uh where this week we'll have a special guest, and his name is Drew Sapling.
It's still me.
Yay!
So let's head over there.
I'm so sorry.
And learn about what happened this past week.
It's time for Always On.
Hey, you.
Moe Cutie Pie.
Look at you, listening to the RT podcast.
Ooh, the sweetheart. Thanks for tuning in uh we love that so much
but uh now we have a word from our sponsor rooster teeth that's right the company who made this show
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I'm talking no fucking sunglasses no fucking therapy
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So go and get that.
Go get it.
I love you.
You look good today.
Hey everybody.
I don't know if you've been paying attention,
but the news is terrifying.
So we took some headlines
and turned them into punch lines
for our weekly joke off yes uh welcome to the circle joke uh andrew and i will be telling
jokes and our guest drew saplin will be uh judging them as we joke off around him he'll be gucking a
sub right between us jesus i hate when you do that with your mouth by the way you look like a fucking wallace and gromit character wait it's me cheese crommet god i do not like that a laser accurate
roast that makes me uncomfortable oh that's how i smile you don't like you don't like my smile
don't do that to me all right So we're going to be telling you, Jeff.
I want that to count as one of mine.
Yeah.
All right.
And I think this week we're going to have Andrew start us off.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, folks.
Some news from Down Under.
A toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine after crawling inside to get a toy.
Rescue attempts failed when the local cops
used their entire year's budget in quarters.
Very silly.
I missed him.
Oh, I got the soft spot.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Can we get some more?
Oh, no.
Whatever they have.
I say quarters.
What do they have down there?
I don't know.
Fucking kangaroonies.
Kangaroonies.
Dollary days.
Take that, Australia.
Parents in Montreal were furious last week after discovering that their children's art is being sold online by the teachers themselves.
In the teacher's defense, it could be a fully immersive history lesson on what it's like to be an artist colonized by the British.
You just steal it back 50 years later.
It's fine.
Rough, rough folks.
Okay.
It was Roman numeral fans favorite day of the year as Super Bowl LVIII was held in Las Vegas and won by the Kansas City Chiefs.
Above the Chiefs end zone was the banner that said
end racism above the chief's end zone a similar banner that said end global warming could be seen
on taylor swift's private jet we're not gonna make it through the night no no the swifties are gonna
fucking storm the building yep oh okay okay. Time for this one.
The weather's transition from El Nino to La Nina is leaving some experts worried about 2024's crop production.
And after checking with their woke niece, Fox News was quoted as saying, okay, so this
is one transition we're for sure allowed to be upset about.
Ran that by two people. i assume you did one of them was my woke niece
oh folks and now we're going to the opposite end of the globe a calgary man is facing half a dozen
charges after trying to boost his drug dealing business by handing out business cards with free samples of cocaine.
Well, that's one way
to give your business a bump.
Listen.
Fuck you.
Listen, if you think
this is a stupid business plan,
you have never been on cocaine.
Guys, I want to open a bar.
Guys, it's airtight.
We just got to do this.
We got to do this.
We're going to make millions.
You're the smartest guy I know. You're the smartest guy I know.
You're the smartest guy I know.
Thanks.
I'm on ketamine.
That's why I have less.
Okay.
All right.
In Spain last week, 14 people were injured after a tree fell onto a roller coaster.
Luckily, there were no casualties as the group sitting where the tree struck had a vision of their grisly demise and exited right before the ride started in
celebration.
They have been announced as guests of honor at the upcoming rebar,
lightly secured to the back of a truck parade.
The float of honor is of course,
a tree truck with rusty chains on it.
Riding on the circular saw blade float.
Yeah.
Well, we're going to be starting in Times Square and then the edge of town.
That's our final destination.
Oh my God.
Well, Drew, that was the weekend news i'm sorry that was the weekend jokes
which was your favorite oh which one which one tickled your funny about honestly the toddler
claw machine one was the one that gave me the best like mental image of like trying to grab
at this toddler just by the soft spot just By the fontanelle. Yeah, yeah.
It's a dangling baby.
Yeah.
The dangling baby.
Everybody do the dangling baby.
The arcade was called Dingo's.
I know.
This claw machine ate my quarters.
I wish I was fucking dead.
All right.
Oh, folks.
All right.
Well, that's it.
Do I win?
I win.
Congratulations to Andrew.
We want to thank Drew Saplin for being on the show.
I'm here.
Thank you so much.
And hey, we'll see you next week.
Bye.
Bye, everybody.
Bye-bye. you so much and uh hey we'll see you next week bye bye everybody describe the show to a newcomer in a more familiar way do you like apples all right example together intrepid hosts jerry collins jerry collins alfredo diaz have nothing to do with this podcast
analyze various unsolved and roosterteeth's cryptic podcast, F*** Face. Call to action. Feel free to add something show premise specific, but short.
Listen to Show Name on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get podcasts.
It's F*** Face, a podcast.
Subscribe or no.
You do yes?