Rooster Teeth Podcast - Mascot Hottie Season - #791
Episode Date: February 26, 2024Go to http://shopify.com/roosterteeth to sign up for a $1-per-month trial period. Come check out this episode of the Rooster Teeth podcast and see what happens when Armando, Andrew, and Griff are giv...en too much freedom to say what they want. Between the talks about dictator's fashion, Dr. Miami's procedures, and shin breaking; we guarantee this will be an episode worth watching. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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That's Alienware.com slash deals. Welcome to the only podcast with episodes downloaded on Hunter Biden's laptop.
It's the Archive Podcast.
I am your cancelable host, Armando Torres, and joining me as always is...
Is high on methamphetamines hanging out with hookers, Andrew Roses.
And I'm in your emails.
So you're in a DM.
That's a going guy.
I mean, I'm in your emails.
You're in your DMs.
I'm in her private email server right next to classified information.
I'm answering this as I imagine you go, I got to re-listen to the RT podcast.
I haven't listened since Bernie left.
I wonder what they're up to.
You tune in and that's the intro you get.
Incomprehensible.
Indecipherable.
Can I say my favorite thing about the Hunter Biden laptop thing?
Yeah.
Is that at any given moment, at any given time time while Congress is in session Marjorie Taylor Green is showing his penis on the floor of Congress at
every given chance of him just like doing what was he smoking meth hair
whatever that was crack him smoking crack with his dick out and she just does
that and that's just like in like they record everything in the House of
Congress so that's just like in history forever.
If you go to the Library of Congress,
it'll just say like May 14th, 2023,
Marjorie Taylor Greene entered into the Congress Library,
Hunter Biden's penis for the 18th time.
Hunter Biden won, pipes, too. Ha ha ha ha what's a good way to support us and the things that
we do and the stuff, the great fun topics we choose to talk about.
You should go and become a first member.
You can go to thertpodcast.com slash first and that'll help us make the shows that we
make and do the stuff that we want to do
Watching this show on like YouTube. I think you would need to watch it like a thousand times or something to equal one first membership
Also, we wouldn't be able to do any of the stuff we do without y'all. So
Thank you so much and thank you for becoming a first member
There's also a bunch of exclusive rewards that you get. Like you get to hang out with us over Discord.
There's live RTTV streams.
But also because you guys have been becoming first members,
we've been able to do some certain stuff like,
we brought back Camp Camp.
Woo!
We brought back Camp Camp!
Yeah!
Boop, beep, boop, beep.
You guys wrote it this time and made it work, right?
We did not.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
The amount of the, I have an email now.
You don't know.
In my inbox of somebody for, I think legal saying taking the word fuck out of the line
does not change how problematic having a loaded gun is.
Yeah. And I just have that now. Yeah. So there's a scene.
It's really for where you there's a line that was supposed to be.
Is this a loaded gun?
And I'm I'm leaving it on you to figure out what scene of this.
It's pretty. It's going to be hard.
A lot of the guns, a lot.
Sorry. A lot of the scenes would be better if there was a gun in it.
Well, that's why the podcast is better,
because there's always a loaded gun on set.
We have it in there.
In this drawer.
Yeah.
People don't know that.
It's there.
We requested every, we have to have someone here
every single time we film.
It's very expensive, because we refuse to not have
a loaded gun in that drawer every time. Yeah.
I don't know if we still play the credits at the end of the episode, but it's like,
we have like producer Tyler, we have producer Cody, and then we have gun handler Ron.
Yeah, it's like Armory Ops Ron.
Yeah, Armory Ops Ron.
And we don't, it's not that we don't want a credit, Ron, Ron with his last name We don't know his last name. No all we all I know is one day when we requested this a car with a blue lives matter
Flag sticker was outside in the parking lot. Oh, there we go. There's Ron. Yeah, Ron once told me that Trump was too woke
Yeah, for him
Real interesting guy.
Anyway, so thertpodcast.com sleeps first.
And the week that this is coming out,
it is week week, which is all about supporting camp camp.
Jesus.
It is very funny, especially because the first time
somebody told me, I only heard it.
I did not read it.
And I assumed that they meant W-E-A-K week.
OK. Like week week.
That's right, we're losing games.
Yeah.
Oh man.
So go check out all the fun stuff that's happening
this week on the, this week week, sorry, on the site.
As we lead up to the premiere of Camp Camp,
the new season coming out on Friday the first.
I'm genuinely so excited.
It's so thrilling. Yeah, it was one of the most. I'm genuinely so excited. It's so thrilling.
Yeah, it was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had.
Truly, I don't want you to think that the legal thing means
the show isn't as good as it could have been.
It's really good.
It's very funny.
I'm making a lot of jokes, but like Andrew and I
wrote on the season along with Eddie and Carrie
and a bunch of other writers too.
We had like miles in some of the meetings. Like it was fucking awesome.
It was one of the most fun experiences
I've ever had in my life.
It really feels just incredible.
And yeah, I got to write a cartoon with my best friend.
So.
Yeah.
Hey, but guess what?
You get to watch a cartoon with your best friends.
Yeah.
I got a new jacket.
Yeah, it's nice. I got a new jacket and I like it
It looks really cool. You know, it looks like looks like my favorite suitcase. I
Was gonna say it looks like
It looks like the nicest camo. Yeah, like it's like your this is for when I have to go down to Florida
Yeah, and fighting the grandma wars. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. In the Rose Garden.
Yeah, it does.
For those of you only listening, I
am wearing a jacket that looks like it was made out
of your dead grandmother's couch cover.
Yeah.
And I love it.
I love it a lot.
I love this jacket so much.
This thing has happened to me twice today,
where I was wearing this jacket and somebody just randomly
asked me where I got the jacket from. and it's got a little Nike logo on it
But I didn't want to tell
The back one is pretty big the back one is pretty big
They asked me where I got the jacket from and then I okay here's the thing I
Remembered something that I read read about a week ago.
Are you guys familiar with Kim Jong-un?
Yeah, yeah, I've heard of him.
Yeah, friend of the show.
My boy, yeah.
Friend of the show, Kim Jong-un.
Absolutely.
Did you know, first of all, did you know that a couple,
I think a year ago or so,
he switched up his, he stopped wearing the like,
the traditional like suit.
The Pee Wee Herman suit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the big, over like awful fitting suit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My man would wear suits that look like they fit me.
You know?
I bet, here's my theory.
I think Dennis Rodman left some clothes
over at his house when they had a sleepover.
He has some kings of comedy.
I was gonna say, I was gonna say, I was gonna say those suits were one giant hat away When they had a sleep
Those suits were one giant hat away from being
One dick must sash away from a Steve
What if fucking Kim Jong-un is just a huge Steve Harvey fan?
North Korea declares war on Cat Williams. Oh my God, so yeah, for years Kim Jong-un has been wearing that big fucking ill-fitting
awful suit.
Recently, no that was Kim Jong-il war like honestly the sickest fits I've ever seen on
a mechanic before.
Yeah, exactly.
Truly an incredible fit.
Recently though, Kim Jong-un has switched it up
in favor for a black leather jacket,
like a duster almost.
She's had a mid-life crisis.
Yeah, mid-life missile crisis.
No, that is like Gestapo.
What the fuck?
He looks like a bad guy from Raiders of Lost Ark. What the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Honestly, if you're sick as shit if you're listening if you'd worn this to school after Columbine you'd be sent home. Yes
Oh, yeah, absolutely 100% here's another picture of him wearing a different leather jacket and glasses
Dang dog wait hold on a second. He's copping the bite. Hey, that's a Biden
That's right. I need to cool like a shearling collar like leather jacket with like aviators. Look alright show a
Collar like leather jacket with like aviators look all right show a while back Kim Jong-un switched it up and switched to this fucking
Leather jacket look right?
My boy looked at himself in the mirror. He went damn Kim or un I'm not sure how the naming convention works
You looking good my boy. This is a good fit
No one else can have this fit.
And then he banned leather jackets in North Korea.
Are you fucking serious?
Yeah.
Wow.
He found a fit so good that he banned anyone,
it is a law in North Korea that you cannot wear
a leather jacket because he is the only one that's allowed to rock the fit
He's a he's a fair weather dripmaster because
While he outlawed any other man having his haircut and then like a little while ago
He made it like mandatory for like all men in like school that have his haircut. So I feel like I feel like
Give the year to leather jackets gonna be man
It's gonna be it's gonna be a school uniform. Yeah, it's gonna be college uniform
Yeah, it's gonna be if you're like between the ages of like 14 and 29
It's after it
It's not like my man doesn't know how to cement a legacy because he's like either you're like the only one allowed on the drift
Or you make everyone wear the drip.
He goes back and forth.
Yeah.
Hey man, where do you go to school?
You got an interesting uniform.
Oh, I got a blade university.
Sorry, I got to run.
I got blood rave.
Yeah, exactly.
30 minutes.
30 minutes. T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- Oh my god, if I didn't live in glorious North Korea, I'd be really upset right now
You we're gonna get fucking new we should go do we can go me a dinny on the phone
I swear to God. I have there is a service that I know of that can get us into North Korea
Do you want to do like a live RTP from North Korea?
Hello, CIA.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, we're bringing Cody.
We're bringing Justin.
Yep.
We'll take Cat, but Cat's got to stay in the heli.
Cat's got to keep the fucking motor running.
Keep the fucking blades turning.
We need extraction at any moment.
She's just throw the rope ladder down.
Oh yeah. She's hovering. She's not landing. She can just throw the rope at her now.
Oh yeah.
She's hovering.
She's not landing.
She can't set foot in Pyongyang.
Yeah.
I, uh, oh my God.
I think that's so interesting of doing the like banning it so no one else can have it
and then making it mandatory.
Because you're right.
He did do it with a haircut, which makes me believe I think fashion is only fashion
if at least a few other people are doing it.
Because if you're the only person doing it, you just look weird.
Yeah.
Yeah? I mean, is that not fashion?
I mean, that is fashion. That's what I'm saying.
Fashion's dumb.
He realized that he had a...
There's no rules, but there's too many rules.
He had a haircut that looked good on him, right? Yeah, but then he said no one else could have this haircut
So then the fashion became a different haircut and he was like what the fuck now?
I don't look good. Yeah, no everyone has to have this haircut. I refuse to change mine. Yeah, that is a I
Mean I'll tell you what my man needs to get on some manic depressive meds.
It sounds like, I think, I think...
You think he needs some lithium?
I think my, I think Homeboy needs some lithium because he is all over the place.
Well, he eats a lot of batteries.
They don't have very many foods over there to eat anyway.
I think, I think if you want to be like a leader or a politician or a dictator or whatever,
I said the same thing, you should have to do a really, I think we should put you in
a cave hole before you're allowed to run things.
You want someone to have to completely dissociate?
You have to experience full ego death before you're allowed to run anything.
I think all politicians should have to do that
I feel like we could see I a them. Yeah, like we could
Tell them like welcome all world leaders in for like a meeting or something
Just do some coffee coffee
Fucking put acid in everything on the lemon wedges and water
Just I feel like if you give them a powerful or potent enough
hallucinogenic or just most uppers,
it would make them more empathetic to the human cause
and maybe we would have a better role.
Who's to say?
By the way, the Rooster Teeth Podcast
and Rooster Teeth in general
does not condone the drugging of world leaders.
Sure.
However.
However.
Yeah.
But. But it is a good idea.
This is where you'll see a big scrolling text in my legal team.
Yeah.
Just yeah, exactly.
Dear Starmando, I thought the gun thing was the worst thing you had ever said.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
Man, I know that this seems like I'm really
dick-riding Kim Jong-un right now,
but I saw a picture of his new fit,
and then I heard about the law,
which prompted me to look up Kim Jong-un fashion.
Yeah.
I think he's the goat.
I think he really got that shit on, dude.
I think he's rocking some shit.
Also, let me just tell
you my favorite thing recently. Kim Jong-un lost like, I think they said like 20 kilograms
or something. I don't know.
It's like 45 pounds.
Okay. I don't know the relation of those things and I am, I'm pretty empathetic, but
I'm enough of an American to say I'm never even going to look it up. I'm just going to
assume it's either a lot.
20 kilograms, that's like a thousand pounds.
So Kim Jong-un lost a car.
And a bunch of people on the internet,
there's like one article where it was like,
Kim Jong-un loses 20 kilograms, he looks good.
And then there was a thousand other articles which are,
Kim Jong-un uses body double.
And the real Kim Jong-un is in hiding
using this body double to make their appearances.
And so I started reading into
all of these conspiracy theories, obviously,
because like world leaders, I too enter k-holes.
Oh.
Get really lost in the sauce.
The theory is that Kim Jong-un is using body doubles,
not in a Paul McCartney way, not in like a,
he's actually secretly dead and this body double
is like going out there.
The theory is that he was so self-conscious of his body
that he found a slightly fitter,
again, 45 pounds, 20 kilograms lighter version of himself.
Only 45 pounds.
And was like, you go out into the public
so that I can look good, which is an insane thought,
but also completely possible.
Oh, absolutely.
Completely possible.
Well, here's the thing.
Do you think he's like, okay, this is my, this is my chance.
I'm gonna push this, I'm gonna dave this bitch.
And I'm gonna, wow, movie reference that if any of you get, I will be shocked.
Anyway, you push out your body double, say, hey, you go make speeches for a year,
and you're 45 pounds lighter than me.
While you go do that, I'm hitting the gym,
I'm getting the broccoli white rice and chicken five meals a day,
you know, getting fit so that like I can take you out of the game whenever I need to once I've
trimmed up. Or do you think it's just like he's got bucket of KFC on a couch watching his body double do all this
International me yeah, this fedora this fedora double button blazer fit though is kind of I'm starting to
Yeah, kind of dripped out. He looks like he's on his way to a murder mystery party
Fucking awesome. I'm telling you look up the bad guy for Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's the same. It's the German guy
Well, they're girls that those are the bad guys by the way in Raiders. What? Oh
My gosh, what is his name he's got the little tiny glasses. He's the ones that burns the
Ark of the Covenant. No, he burns the medallion gets his hand burned by the medallion
Kim Jong-un summer fit. What okay? That's a rare fit summer fit. Yo
Kim Jong-un's summer fit. What? Okay, that's a rare fit. Summer fit. Yo
Kind of dripped out, bro
It's gotta be Dennis Rodman. It's gotta be Dennis Rodman. It's gotta be Denny Rodman. Cuz like I feel like you have a friend who's always like dripped out. You're gonna take bigger risks yourself.
Oh, yeah, and that's a good, he's like a good hat guy. Yeah, which is crazy because he was so uptight about the hair.
You're pretty incredible about the hair
I think he's doing it cuz he wants to hi. I think he wants a new haircut. He's too far in
Else no, he's gonna have a bunch of really cool hats. He's got a hair double. Oh
My god, this podcast
Are we recording right now? I'm so sorry look at that fucker. Yeah, oh that's literally him
That's literally
Maybe we'll put that photo movie recently because embargo and he was just like yeah
His name is Toth in the in the bad and Raiders of the Lost Ark
Yeah, I'm sorry that I went down at an unhole and I found
So much out about this stuff.
The thing is, is that like it's completely ludicrous
to have the idea that this guy would have a body double
just to look 45 pounds lighter, right?
And I remembered that like one of the facts
that they used to teach in North Korean schools
was that his father Kim Jong-il had the ability
to talk to dolphins.
And like that was a fact that they taught.
That's so specific.
It is very specific.
That it's plausibly true.
OK, hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
I'm going to semantics this really quick.
OK.
We're all capable of talking to dolphins.
Yeah.
Talking with dolphins is a totally different thing.
Communicating with dolphins.
Communicating with dolphins.
We can all talk.
Yeah, we can all talk to them.
And you know what, they're great listeners
because they don't say anything.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I learned too much about Kim Jong-un
and it was prompted by the jacket that I bought.
And now I truly do feel like if I was a dictator,
that's the kind of shit I'd be on.
I wouldn't do any of this killing shit.
I wouldn't do any of this killing shit.
I wouldn't do any of this like subjugation of my people.
I wouldn't do any of this like torturing other people
and causing generations of generations to suffer.
I'd just be like, hey, I copped a new jacket
and none of you are allowed to have it.
Fashion maven.
Yeah.
No, you would run just like a pristine,
like beautiful country, but the only rule is that knowing to wear a Nike except for you. Yeah, that's the only rule hunger games every year
But it's everyone hotter than everyone
It's I put you all in there and then I
Don't even then I kill the winner
You know what Mondo what that's gonna be a quick game
All right, you're going in the hunger
Yeah, yeah, I don't like your fucking attitude
For being saying there's not that many people hot and then you come on
I don't like your fucking kiss ass
Bloody little chain and your fucking beautiful winning smile and your charming eyes. Oh, I want him dead
I want him fucking dead. Damn. Oh, man. Do you guys see beautiful corpse?
Speaking of beautiful corpses, do you guys see they gave the duo lingo ala bbl? I did I did see that so
Yeah, I watched the video and I started watching it and
It immediately struck me because it's so ridiculous. Yeah, and so insane. I was like, oh, ha ha
This is like somebody got a Duolingo Al costume
and just made this like parody thing.
It is from the official Duolingo account.
Blue check on Instagram, so it matters.
And it was part of their Super Bowl campaign,
which they are calling the superb owl campaign.
So some real Buzzfeed circa 2011 ass humor coming from Duolingo socials right now
They were about to tweet out who scored the touchdown in the sports game
Sports ball. Yeah, they were gonna tweet that out
But then they saw everyone shitting on people by the way
I love that we live in this new era where like being like oh, I don't know anything about sports
Something something sports ball where those people are getting dunked on by everyone. I love this turn around
Yes, a great a great a great switch around cuz I don't even I'll be honest
I don't give a fuck about sports. My favorite sport is baseball. I fucking hate baseball
You know what? I love standing outside getting burnt to a crisp drinking 17 beers for $400 and eating meat by a foot
I thought you're gonna say hitting dingers, but that's good too. I'll hit some dingers too. That feels fun
That feels fun. I don't care about sports because here's the other here by sports in the way that I'm like
Just look at the score after yeah
If you're gonna be doing your you know, you sports bed and watching it doesn't matter. Yeah
I've seen uncut gems. Yeah, you just get an ulcer in your tummy
the the thing that I think the backlash to the you know the very cringy sports ball of it's like
It was such a shortcut to a joke, which is the joke is
feigned ignorance about something you have no interest in. It's like, shut the fuck
up. You know what a sport is. You've been alive in America. You might not know like
all the intricacies of the rules, but you know what it is.
You don't know what it shut up down. So tiresome they gave they gave the duolingo out do doolingo owl. Hello
a baby a BBL
He she it's the owl and the owl well it has a cloaca. No, that's I guess that's true
The owl is
The owl is fucking caked up. Hold up. They gave it a BBC. Yeah, a Brazilian
Bcl I was fucking caked up hold up. They gave it a BBC. Yeah, a Brazilian BCL
Yeah, I'm just gonna have to go because like oh either way we don't know
Hey, not gonna this will go time. There's yeah, so sex that out. Yeah, someone's got a someone's got a seducing
So one of these is sex that out if you are unfamiliar by the way Andrew and I are we're talking about a video that they put out
Like we said for their campaign.
On their official thing.
On their official thing, where Dr. Miami is giving this,
the Duolingo Owl, a BBL.
And I know what you're thinking,
is it like an arts and crafts segment?
No, they put the owl under.
Under, they put them on the table face down.
I don't know if you've ever seen a Dr. Miami video.
They are violent, and I don't know
how they're allowed on social media.
Yeah.
It's a, we all joke about, like, we grew up
at the time of, like, ISIS beheadings
and, like, whatever online.
Nothing is worse than the Dr. Miami video
of him just, like, injecting fat into someone's ass.
And it's just, like, you just see it.
It's just, like,, it's a needle.
That's like the, the, it's like the, maybe like your thumb and it's just full of their
own fat, I presume.
And he's just fucking.
Yeah.
It's really jammed in there.
It is.
How do you say caulking gun?
Have you ever been the fucking caulking gun?
Have you ever been the builder of our workshop?
It is that, but for your ass, your own fat.
He also puts a little heart in there
And he does that to the fucking do a little yeah, it's his little phantom thread yeah thing
Yeah, it's so upsetting to look at it show you the results like he he wraps it up
He it's it it's a choice and then you well and you know it showed the Duolingo out at the end of the video like walking out completely.
I mean clapping cheeks like.
Cheeks is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking asset on dump truck.
Ready to go.
I mean, you're going to pick our mom ready to you know hit the clubs.
But now because if you know anything about that operation, the Dua Lingo
Al Nas to sleep face down for like eight months. It's like, because we put two Mike Wazowski's
on his back.
Yeah.
Again, I'm rewatching it right now. There's also like, he's got like the implant in his hand and it's just it's just it's
What again as a person with a marketing degree I?
Want to know how this came to be yeah cuz I've pitched dumb shit before yeah I've pitched insane shit before I've pitched it where I've been like I'm pitching this so that no one talks to me for another
Meeting sure because here's the idea and they're gonna say no to it
And then I want to disengage from the rest of this call.
Correct.
That feels like what this was, but then someone said yes.
I've been in marketing meetings
where I have released chaff to intercept missiles.
And so I just like fly away.
So I can just disengage
and then this feels like someone said no, let's do that.
Yeah.
Oh.
I remember outside of Rooster Teeth
when I was writing, basically I was writing sketches
for Jake from Jake from State Farm with State Farm.
And I remember pitching them some stuff
that was just like, yeah, so I got really obsessed
with the idea that Jake from State Farm is called
whenever you call him. And that's how it's like, I, so I got really obsessed with the idea that Jake from State Farm is called whenever you call him, and that's how,
it's like, I know that it's fun
and supposed to represent this like, you know,
they're always there.
But I think it's kind of like a weird awful curse
that this man must now deal with.
He's a genie.
Anyway, I pitched them an idea where basically
Jake from State Farm is driving his own car
and gets called and the car just fucking
teabones a family and kills them
They're dead fucking gone. Yeah, and then the dad holding the body of his dead children
Like a neighbor state farm is there and Jake is pulled back and forced to deal with the ramifications of his own thing. Yeah
There was a 40-second pause and 40 seconds is a lot of seconds.
When waiting to hear feedback on anything, that is an eternity.
Also, I'm picturing you in a conference room with the phone just here.
Yeah, yeah.
The silence only ended.
I wish this was a joke.
The silence only ended when I said, you guys still there?
Brutal. We're still here, but you definitely lost us. only ended when I said, you guys still there? Oh, brutal.
Oh, we're still here, but you definitely lost us.
They did buy the idea.
And I think that they replaced everything.
I think it's like Ninja is in the back of the car or something.
And they like and then somebody or no, that's what it is.
Now it's a guy driving and I think it it's Ninja or some other streamer person.
Ninja or Ludwig or something.
Yeah, somebody like that.
And they go, like that.
And then Jake appears in the backseat.
And then they both go, ah, ah, ah, ah.
That's what I pared it down to, eventually.
But that's my point.
In all of these meetings, there is a Duolingo Al-BBL pitch.
Yeah, that does not get chosen. No, it gets whittled down.
OK, every pitch starts with Jake from St.
Farm is an eldritch horror. Yeah.
That has lived for generations. Yeah.
And then it gets whittled down to fucking Ninja or Ludwig driving a car,
which is I feel like Jake from St.
Farm is an eldritch horror who's lived from ages
is how we got Ms. Whittle down
into the modern Jake from State Farm.
Yes, yes, he's on tablets and ancient scrolls.
Yes, that was something that I fucking pitched.
I'm not even kidding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just like, yeah, they've come from.
Egyptian etchings, like fucking like.
He's a trickster god.
He's like fucking Loki.
He's a Loki, he's a verse Loki.
Yes.
I'm not even.
He's an I-Call.
I'm gonna show you guys the fucking pitch. I can't wait to see it
I would love to see I am now picturing a couple in bed
About to have sex clothes like looking frustrated Lee at the field app closing it went I think I have an idea
like a good neighbor
Appears in the bed with them like It's like, it's go time.
We're going to lose an account.
You're about to lose an account.
We're for sure.
No, no, no, no.
No, he's friends with family.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He got big hands with that party.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're tight.
Yeah, he's cool.
He's chill.
They love me.
Oh, they love Manda.
I just slowly episode by episode make myself less employable, huh?
Yep.
That's what we do here, baby.
I think it is so funny when companies do this because I'm going to let you in on a secret.
This company included, whenever you see these wild statement pieces like the BBL put on
the Duolingo owl or, I don't know, McDonald's spreading the Grimace Shake
bullshit or like whenever you see these things,
it's not the company like, okay, first of all,
in case you are unfamiliar,
because I know that this is like super obvious to us
working in the industry that we do,
McDonald's does not make these decisions.
Company A, whatever they are, will hire a marketing firm, and that marketing firm
will usually write a couple of the advertisements
and campaigns themselves, and then contract a couple
of comedians, influencers, writers, et cetera.
Other companies, other companies.
Other companies.
Tinyer agencies, whatever.
Yeah, sometimes even like, tiny agencies who then come to us,
or sometimes that agency comes to like Rooster Teeth
or other companies like us directly.
And then we're making ideas that then get kicked up
and get fed back to like McDonald's or somebody
who then goes, what the fuck?
What did we spend money on?
Because what happens is we get, okay,
so this is fun for anyone to listen listen
So here's the things I think on rfp
They say we have a billion they say we have a billion dollars and russia she says we want some of that
How can we get some of that and they say give us a funny thing?
Give it to us now and we'll do it and it's like okay
So then meet us three fucking choco heads go in a meeting room
We have a whiteboard we're fucking sitting there like I don't know what can we do what can we what if we gave the duo
Lee would we gave grimace a fucking BBL?
I don't know what about that
Yeah, so then we fucking so then we have to go into fucking Google documents and be like uh
So I think that we should give grimace a BBL and he should also have a special milkshake and people die when they drink it
Do you like that and then the end then and that's us being like that was a very good idea
And then we shake hands and we give it to our boss our boss takes it to some shady place
We will never see it. No, you will never see or hear from again
And my one of my favorite things about this document is that there's a line that says how does this fit with the client's goals?
And it's always like because they fucking asked because we're giving them exactly what they asked for
So then they so then this thing that we've written that we're just like yeah, no, this is a good idea
It's taken to I'm sorry a man who I'm sure is on a private jet
Opening up his laptop for the first time in six weeks and then he looks at it and then he just goes like Caesar
Up or down yeah, and then then that commercial gets made or not.
Do you guys remember when?
And if this isn't interesting, I'm so sorry.
I feel like this is what the podcast is for.
It's talking about RT.
Yeah, this is technically behind the scenes of R.T.
What this thing started as years ago.
Yeah, so do you guys remember when we wrote the RFP
for the Twisted Metal show? Oh, yeah. And they went, what do you guys remember when we wrote the RFP for the twisted metal show?
Oh, yeah, and they went what can you guys do?
And we said we're gonna get all the biggest streamers in the internet right now
We're gonna get fucking Ludwig. We're gonna get ninja. We're gonna get all these people
And we're gonna put them inside death machines and have them
put them inside death machines and have them compete
in a honest to God. Death match.
Death match, what does it call out?
Demolition Derby.
Yeah, we pitched a demolition Derby.
No, it was our fucking pie in the sky idea.
It's never going to happen.
You gotta have shoot the moon on one of them.
And they fucking picked it.
And that is the one that made it up the ladder.
And I remember the four of it because it was us three and drew yeah in a meeting going
No fucking way cuz you always got it because the thing is like when you do these things you do the one that you know
They're gonna say no to you because it's too big
Then you do the one that you know they're gonna say no to because it's too small
And then the one you actually want to do is in the middle
So that we were like they're gonna pick the the middle one. Because why the fuck would they put
ninja in a goddamn demolition derby so you can do fucking?
And then they were like, oh, that sounds really sick,
actually.
We're going to move this one up.
And we were like, ooh.
Well?
We're going to get in so much trouble for this.
I don't remember.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't give a shit.
I remember being in the meeting with the contact and be and and and being like
We should not do this as a live stream. This should not be a live stream event. No
Because there is a possibility that someone will die or be and they're mainly just figured in Maine
And there was a slight pause before they went
But isn't that like a huge motivator to get
Fucking
Yeah, that'd be honestly
If there was any doubt that every single artist content creator
any doubt that every single artist, content creator,
boots on the ground person in the world of entertainment is nothing more than grist for the mill
for the most bloodless corporations on earth.
Let those fears dissipate for your mind.
That is exactly what is going on.
Can I tell you the only thing that would make this better
is if the demolition derby is happening,
fucking Ludwig is slamming his car into Bruce Green.
There's blood everywhere.
The camera pans upwards towards the box seats,
inside there, hands held like this.
Tented.
Jake from State Farm.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha. That's right, this is a state farm pitch the entire time.
It sucked on peacock like we've double pitched it.
Yeah, yeah, double dipping them to yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking Bruce Green holding fucking ninjas lifeless body in his hands like a good name.
I'm just like, oh, shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Anyway, I think we should give Artie a fucking big dick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, let's do it.
How are we improving Artie, our giant mascot, our giant upsetting mascot? mascot if we're given the and also there's no pleasing people
Because people hate arty. Yeah, people really don't like arty
I mean, I know we give them that really cute name. I love the name. I love the name made me like them
the
My favorite thing is like people are mad at arty and then we made a video where arty fights the bat squats to the death of the knife and people didn't like that either
So I don't know what you want from us. I'm just gonna give Artie a big dick. I
Think that's how do we compete with surgery? Yeah, how can we get the we can't compete with oh, I guess you can't get well
Who can we give him that can we give him the no we're giving the bat squash sits?
Can we give him that that that leg lengthening surgery? Oh, yeah, where they break your I know that you're six seven so you've never looked into this
But there's like a leg lengthening surgery. I've never seen that. No, yeah, they break your shins
They put a metal bar in it gives you
three or four inches max and then you walk like fucking Hank Hill's dad for the rest of your life
That's not enough inches. No, just that it also, okay, so I mean it costs not only that it costs like
$200,000 because it is the most elective surgery you can have
Yes, it's one of the most painful things you can do because they literally break your shins
Like put a spacer in it and let the bone grow. Yeah, you also have to
Spacer in it and let the bone grow. Yeah, you also have to
Like it's so expensive. It's like $200,000 and on top of that you have to literally rent an apartment or a
Space to live Like a block from the hospital because you could clot at any sec. You have to live
So
It's insane it's insane for four inches.
But here's the thing.
I'm so sorry about this.
If it was less painful, I might do it.
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm so sorry about this.
In the words of many people I've spoken to,
that's not enough money for three inches.
Shut up.
I hate you so much.
I hate you so much. I hate you so much.
I wish I was fucking dead. There's butt-boos coming from on stage.
Or a tugboat just pulled in here, I can't tell.
Do you really think that you would do it just to get-
If it didn't hurt so bad, absolutely.
If it didn't hurt so bad and didn't cost 200 grand.
Yeah, if it was as accessible as a BBL, I would absolutely do it.
If it was as accessible as like that when dude's gonna turkey to get a hair transplant I would absolutely do it
The fucking hair transplants are insane. I think we should give already a different hairstyle
Here we go. I think we give him a fucking I
I think we give my Kim John. I think we give my Kim John in leather jacket. Oh
We could already been already midlife crisis leather jacket
Can I tell you something that really made me very upset is
Recently I was talking with the social team about how they wanted to they wanted to do a thing for
The Super Bowl with Artie and they were like yeah, we were looking at what do you call them jerseys?
Yeah, but we realized that like it was really hard to find a jersey in like 5xl
Yeah, and I was like, 5XL?
Like for Artie?
Artie wears a 5XL.
And they went, yeah, we can get a 5XL and put it on him.
And I realized that Artie wears like one to two sizes up from me.
Me and Artie could share clothing.
The wardrobe.
You guys dated.
I want to fucking die.
Here's my favorite thing is that if we wanted to give Artie the leg lengthening
Surgery, it's it's very easy. We put a different person
We've taken the this one's for daddy episode
I'm taking that we've taken that you just too far. We took it too far. This is daddy's midlife crisis
Daddy's other jacket. This is daddy's midlife crisis. This is daddy's other jacket. This is daddy.
This is daddy who lost his job three months ago, hasn't told his family and goes and sits
in drinks in the McDonald's parking lot. He's supposed to be at work. Oh my fucking god.
Well, you know what? Let's do the only thing that we were actually supposed to do on this
episode. What is that? I know that the news is terrifying. I know it's awful out there.
So we did you a favor, made things a little bit easier
by turning those headlines into punch lines.
Folks, it's time for Always On.
This episode of the Rooster Teeth Podcast
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["Street Dance"]
Welcome everybody to Always On.
It is time for our world famous circle joke.
That is where we have Griff in the middle
and Andrew and I joke off around her.
That's right.
And then you'll pick a winner and yeah.
So I think this week I'm going to start us off.
Kick it off baby.
All right.
Amazon, SpaceX and Trader Joe's have all teamed up against the National Labor Board,
calling the board and their attempts to help unions unconstitutional.
Interesting choice of words, seeing as how the Constitution came from a violent rebellion
against our unfair overlords.
And I for one will be back on the front line shooting red coats, which is what I call the managers at Trader Joe's. Oh my God.
I always love that when they're like,
it's unconstitutional to be a better living person.
I don't think you know what that means.
Yeah, you really don't.
Fundamental misunderstanding.
Yeah, and Trader Joe's employees, we have a hell of a Navy. So.
All right, folks, recent documents reveal that Abraham Lincoln pardoned President Joe
Biden's great, great grandfather when reached for comment. Biden said that as a child, that
was the happiest day of his life.
God, so the Biden crime family really goes way back back when they were he remembers it like it was yesterday
Back when they were there was
Back when there was hunter Biden and gatherer Biden. I was gonna say hunter by this telegrams
I'm so happy with myself fucking kill me fucking kill me
All right folks Kill me. Fuck, kill me! Alright. Folks, the governor of Louisiana has declared a state of emergency due to their police shortage.
Wow, it's weird to see an entire state send out the, my parents are out of town, party
at my place.
Hey guys, there's a state of emergency. The emergency is I don't have a fucking daiquiri
in my hand right now We need some more hands to help dig graves for the nameless bodies behind all the
Police stations. Wow, it's weird that this state of emergency comes with a lot more safety for every other citizen
Guys, did you know that water molecules have been discovered on the surface of an asteroid for the first time this week which means that
I'm sorry. My producer is telling me that it's already been purchased by Nestle
Sold by the bottle god damn it
shit
very
Oh my god
Hold on I'm being told that any living lifeform has been killed by Nestle to make the bottling process easier.
Oh my god.
A Florida officer opened fire on an unarmed man
after mistaking a falling acorn for a gunshot.
And in defense of himself, the officer said, look,
I had just watched the happening.
You guys remember that M. Night Shyamalan movie
where the trees made it kill her? Look, I had just watched the happening. You guys remember that M. Night Shyamalan movie
where the trees made it kill her?
So it's not good.
Do you guys remember that?
I just watched it.
I lost the remote and it was stuck on TNT.
So I had to watch something.
Oh my God.
All right.
There's two hours of body cam footage of him going.
So it was the trees?
I just, ah.
Ah.
Doesn't make any sense.
Guys, this is my favorite joke that I've written for the show.
OK.
A science experiment gone wrong sent 18 students
and a teacher to the hospital in Tennessee.
The experiment combined two things that don't mix. Science in Tennessee.
That's very good. That's very good. That's very... Okay, yeah.
Pretty smug about it. Anyway, no, that's... Yeah, that's some of the weakened jokes.
The way that you felt about that is how I felt about Hunter and Gatherer.
It's very good. Yeah, yeah.
So stupid. Oh, folks, and that has been your week in jokes.
Yeah.
Griff, would you like to pick a winner, your favorite joke of this session of the joke
off?
I'm going to have to give it to Andrew for the Nestle joke.
Yeah.
It was a bit of a pander, but goddamn did it work.
That was really solid. That was really solid. So, Andrew, you have won the grand prize of getting
to be on the front lines of the new Nestle company and their outpost on the Nestle.
I'll be hand-bottling all the water out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So enjoy that, have fun, and hey, I've been Armando Torres.
I've been Andrew Rosas.
I'm here.
And we will see you next week.
Bye-bye.
Mwah.
They're never going to let us air this episode.
No.
Describe the show to a newcomer in a more familiar way.
Do you like Apples?
All right, example.
Together in Trepit hosts, Trevor Collins, Trevor Collins Alfredo Diaz have nothing to do with
this podcast.
Analyze various unsolved and roosterteeth's cryptic podcast.
F*** face.
Call to action.
Feel free to add something show premise specific, but short.
Listen to show name on Apple Spotify or wherever you get podcasts. No premise specific but short.