Rooster Teeth Podcast - The Valentine’s Day Conspiracy #789
Episode Date: February 12, 2024Go to http://helixsleep.com/rooster to get 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows. Go to https://hensonshaving.com and enter ROOSTER at checkout to get 100 free blades with your purchase. (...Note: you must add both the 100-blade pack and the razor for the discount to apply.) Go to http://zocdoc.com/ROOSTERTEETH and download the Zocdoc app for free and find a top-rated doctor today. It's the season of love and Armando, Andrew, and Griff are confused, to be honest. What does it mean to be romantic anymore? The cast is going to figure this out so buckle up and eat some chocolate! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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This is a restatee production Welcome to the Only Podcast that woke up this morning to see Drake's penis.
It's the RT Podcast.
And not woke up to find it.
That's why I got up this morning.
That's the reason I woke up.
I set an alarm.
Yeah.
I am your host, Aronatores, and joining me as always is
Andrew Rosas.
And I'm just now finding out about this information.
Oh, you didn't know Drake had a dick?
Nope.
Damn, that shit is wild.
I thought he was smooth like a kindle.
But I assumed not about all Canadians.
That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I don't expect them to have generals.
I don't know if that's a South Park thing.
Well, it's just easier when you when you have universal basic health care.
They just kind of get shaved down. Yeah.
By God, Canadian.
Yeah, Canadian.
Canadian.
Canadian God. Well, Valentine's fucking episode title, we got it.
I'm sorry, but I think you got to go up there on that mountain and kill your boy.
Oh, and on the eighth day, he drank bagged milk.
I dream about bagged milk.
What was it? I'm sorry.
It was chunky and I got like upset because I just bought it.
And I was like, it's because it's in this goddamn open bag.
I woke up and I was like, I don't drink cow milk.
What do you mean?
Hold on a second.
I understand that drinking cow milk is a lactose intolerant person.
But my problem with this is that you emphasize that it was bagged milk
But it never came up in the like dream at all in the dream
Yeah, and the dream it was bagged milk. Uh-huh like in the picture cut open
Yeah, you have bagged milk. Don't say it like it's a normal thing
and
And I took it out and it was all chocked and I was like fuck
I can't make this latte now and I was upset and I woke up and it was all chunked. And I was like, fuck, I can't make this latte now.
And I was upset and I woke up and I was just like,
how do you even fucking drink milk?
This is my favorite part about the age
that we have reached is that our night,
I had that nightmare a couple weeks ago
that I missed a flight.
Dude!
I cannot tell you what,
that is such a sign of getting older, welcome.
No! Is your nightmares get so fucking banal like you get such practical nightmares
It's all like I have like missing a recording nightmares. Oh, I have those all the time
I had a I had a we had a shared nightmare the other week that I we then we got the date wrong for your show
Literally texted you I was, when is your show?
Is it today?
And you were like, no, it's tomorrow.
And I was like, I know that.
But I just woke up from a dream where I missed it today.
Yeah.
I had the exact same dream.
It's the worst thing ever.
My nightmare is not like, I remember being a child and being like, there's a monster
under my bed and I've never seen it.
But I know that the moment I do,
it'll be the last thing that I've ever seen.
And now my nightmares are like,
I'm gonna talk to Deborah from Delta for six hours.
Oh no!
Oh no!
I feel like they're also getting,
I feel like my nightmares are also getting more like,
because I've gone so far in life without fucking up,
that my nightmares are about fucking up in life.
Like I have a lot of like,
I accidentally killed someone nightmares. Oh! oh, I mean, oh, like, uh-huh you have nightmares
No
Like you do like a like a manslaughter and I'm your life is ruined forever sure
We call that a rich person oopsie-daisy
You can you can you can fucking absolutely?
You can fucking absolutely destroy somebody in a car accident, kill two people, the car in reverse so that the miles would come back.
That's such a good joke.
It's so good, fuck, fuck that's good.
So that he can turn that in time.
Well, shake it up, baby, now shake it.
If you're unfamiliar, by the way, what's his name?
Matthew Broderick?
Matthew Broderick.
Matthew Broderick killed two people on the Autobahn.
Yeah, which happens in Ireland.
I think it was in Ireland.
Yeah, I listen.
I think this is public information.
Yeah, this is not like, yeah.
Who Brandy also Brandy.
Yeah, who Brandy like the alcohol.
No, Brandy the singer.
Moisha.
I'm pretty Brandy the alcohol.
By the way, welcome to the libel cast.
I think we need to. Brandy the alcohol by the way welcome to the libel cast
Brandy vehicular
Again, I think you're gonna find a lot of things about the alcohol just getting kovacier
advertisements now
Moisha best best enjoyed well on the open road. Kavasiye. Oh my God. That's great.
Yep, no, it's not liable, she did it.
Okay.
Caitlyn Jenner also.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that was in the past.
It was in the past.
That was before they transitioned, right?
So that's, the murder doesn't count.
Or was it?
Was it?
Or was it?
It was, it was post.
It was post.
Yeah.
It's a woman can drive.
Fuck!
This seems like as good a time as any to tell you
that you should go to theartypodcast.com
slash first.
Being a first member is the best way to support this show,
especially as the libs come for us
for not being woke anymore.
No, we truly appreciate your patronage
in helping us create the show
and all the shows that we create,
it's the best way to ensure that we can do stuff
like It's a Choice, It's a Problematic,
the new RTP's show that we're doing.
We're actually currently working on more content,
like bigger productions that we're gonna start making.
Yeah, I've got a couple of shows, or say shows.
We've got a couple of ideas on the whiteboard
in the pipeline that are very exciting, very cool.
If you like the 20th anniversary stuff we did,
it's gonna be like that, but less.
Well, and more.
And more, and more.
And more, at the same time. Well, it's not weekly. We're not gonna be like that, but less. Well, and more. And more. And more. And more, at the same time.
Well, it's not weekly.
We're not gonna blow shit up,
but we are gonna do things that make legal
do a fucking brow furrow.
Do the 11 cigarettes meme?
Yes. Oh my God.
They fucking hate us.
They don't like it how much we talk about guns.
No, they really hate it.
They told us to stop. Oh my God how much we talk about guns. No. They really hate it.
They told us to stop.
Oh my God.
The amount of times that in a pitch deck I've sent them, I just recruitment videos as a
visual aesthetic.
I've been told to stop doing this.
We got to get those cheaters.
We absolutely got to get the terrorism shoes.
You got to get the...
Sorry.
The freedom fighter footies.
That's right.
The freedom fighter footies. First is a great way to support Rooster Teeth
and all of the things that we make.
I saw a comment that somebody made when I said
that it would allow us to do the Blizz video,
and they said, so because people signed up for first,
you were able to edit a video from a year ago.
And I responded to it at 4 a.m.
What did you say?
I said, yeah, we have to pay our editors.
Filming is free.
Yeah, well, I edited it.
So it was, yeah, it's more about time relocation
or what do you call it?
Being able to split up resources.
Yeah, resources.
There's a finite amount of resources around these parts.
I don't even know that.
It's not just this bottomless bucket of money.
I'm not just allowed to post whatever I want
on the Rooster Teeth site,
despite all of the comments on Rooster Teeth videos,
like, what is this guy and everything?
Yeah, there we go.
So, supporting us helps us to do that stuff,
that really fun stuff.
One of the things that we're doing,
I think it has come out if you're listening
to the show on Monday,
because I'm realizing that there's sort of a week delay. But we did a live shopping event
called Save the Mascots, which was genuinely influenced by a Nyquil nightmare that I had.
Adult nightmare.
Adult nightmare. The adult nightmare being that I was in charge of running a charity event
and everything went wrong and then I had a heart attack
So if you're interested in seeing what that looks like come to life
Go check out the VOD that either is available now or will be available soon because
Man if you think legal hates us my favorite part about pitching this live shopping event is they went this is great
We love it. The jokes are very funny.
At what point are you going to be actually promoting any of the merchandise?
No, right.
That part.
Yeah.
So yeah, I think you're going to love it.
And hopefully we sold a couple of t-shirts.
Truly, you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour.
Yeah, like this is like a cool ride.
All the fun fanfare and everything.
Are you gonna sell a piece of clothing?
Are you gonna sell an item?
Maybe.
I'll get to it.
Listen, I'll do it.
Listen, our job is to fucking entertain.
We're coming to entertain you.
Ah.
So that's what we're gonna try to do.
So yeah, that again is vrtpodcast.com slash first.
Hey, my lease is almost up.
Oh, wow.
Like to move out of my nightmare apartment.
Isn't that insane?
That's insane.
Also a dream apartment to me.
I can't believe that turned out like that.
That I moved in and then everything went wrong.
It's okay, I'm just, I'm just like,
it is a perfect unit.
Yes.
You got a corner, windows, floor to ceiling.
Here's the address on the screen.
Here's the address.
You only have to have two roommates.
OK, no.
I ain't living with fucking anybody.
It's the best day ever.
You got a winner.
You got winter pricing.
You do.
It was really nice.
It was a good apartment in theory.
And then the longer I've lived there, the more it's just
been like, it's been constantly either construction I
Just found out I have water damage because I looked after all the rain happened
I looked in the corner of my apartment and saw that the roof was starting to sag which is not
And I've been looking at different apartments both here in Austin and you know back home in Los Angeles because you know
You always think like maybe I'll go back to Los Angeles
I've been talking to my partner about
leasing
Leases a different apartment and I just heard the most insane story of my life this person found my partner's friend
Yes, found an apartment through an Instagram profile that shows off cool Los Angeles
apartments.
Yeah, I love that thing.
Yeah.
There's one for Austin, too.
Oh, there's one for everywhere now.
And I can never tell if the apartments are actually real
or if they're a scam to get you to follow this Instagram
account with the dream that you'll ever
be able to afford a nice place to live. People lie with the dream that you'll ever be able to afford
a nice place to live.
People lie on the internet.
All the time.
So one of these Instagram accounts
shared this art deco place in Los Angeles.
It looked really beautiful.
It's got nice tiles on the stairs outside.
It's got hardwood floors.
Beautiful apartment.
And she reaches out to ask for like a tour
And the first thing that happens is the guy is like this apartment is no longer available
But I do have two other locations that I think you would be interested in real bait and switch. Oh, yeah
Big time all right already off the bat. These places are not in the same like Art Deco style
Yeah, what made this person in the first place and Deco style. That's what made this person impressed in the first place.
And when they go, you know what?
This place is good enough,
which is the name of the game
and finding a place to live in Los Angeles.
Is this place is fine.
And that's like, even if you have like $5 million.
It's like, this place is fine.
Yeah, there's always something like,
I lived in a neighborhood where it was like,
cool, I'm two blocks away from Staples Center
and near the best food I've ever had in my life,
MS13 runs the neighborhood.
That's awesome.
Sick, we do not have an HOA,
but we do have a lot of FOOOs.
Foo.
Shut up, Dan.
Shut up.
God damn it.
Shut it down.
Shut it down.
I will get the fuck out of here. You'll piss your shit. Fuck you. Shut it down. Shut it down. Yo, you all pissed your shit. Fuck you.
I love that. I shouldn't be as pleased with myself as I am.
You're very satisfied. I mean, to be honest with you, it's less of the joke was good and more of your guys' reaction of like, oh, fuck you. Just the fucking, ugh, take the headphones off.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how MS13 felt about having me there, too.
Not because of the jokes I made,
but because I painted my house
outside of the approved colors.
That's right.
Yeah, it was a blood house.
So, she goes and looks at this other apartment,
is already like, it's fine, I guess it's okay, whatever.
Yeah, I'm interested in renting this apartment. The guy was like, it's fine. I guess it's okay, whatever. Yeah, I'm interested in renting this apartment.
The guy was like, cool, awesome.
Well, we just have like a couple of questions, you know,
because like I'm the personal landlord for this apartment
and I just wanna make sure that like whoever we have in here
is like a, you know, a good candidate.
Yeah.
So like, what's your star sign?
Okay, I am out of there.
I'm not written in the Gemini.
Yeah.
And I'll die before not written in the Gemini
And I'll die before I let in the quarries cut living are you kidding? No air signs at all Oh my god, I maybe a Libra if you've got an earth rising
I love the idea of a landlord being like well
I'm gonna need first months last months and birthstone when you
The I love I I, I cannot get over the bait and switch of like, yeah,
it's like, hey, I'm interested in renting this apartment that looks like
it's from LA Confidential, like this like beautiful art deco place like
actually that's not available.
What I do have is a refrigerator box full of ants.
And that is seven hundred,000 a month.
A month.
That, yeah, it's available.
It's available right now.
Yeah.
And you will need one roommate because it's a duplex.
You're not going to be able to meet the income requirements.
Oh, yeah.
That's the other thing is in Los Angeles, the fucking like,
you have to make three times whatever rent is to live
there and it's like- Which is insane.
Yeah, it just means you have to lie.
Yeah, I come, God, yes.
No one I know makes three times the amount of rent because rent is insane.
It's, you know, I think that guy was right.
I think the rent might be too damn high.
Too damn high.
Yeah.
He was honest.
We should let him cook.
There's been two separate times that I have applied
for a Los Angeles apartment where I just straight up,
like I dressed really nice and tried to insinuate
that my parents were Hollywood producers.
I just said a lot of things where I was just like,
yeah, my father, when he was working on this project,
you know, he got really ingratiated into the community
and was really able to figure out
what makes the community tick.
And it was like, yeah, he was picking up trash
as part of his community service
for an unlawful firearm charge.
Do that really obnoxious thing where you refer to movies
by just one word in the movie title. It's like, back when I was working on Lambs,
sorry, Silence of Lambs.
Back when I was working on Lambs.
Um...
There's nothing better than shortening something
for the sake of time and then going...
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I'm actually more cultured than you.
You fucking idiot.
You Philistine, yeah.
When I was working on Beverly Hills Chihuahua too. Too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was working on Beverly Hills Chihuahua too.
Two.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
When I was working on Kitty's Tale of Two, Kitty,
I realized that Bill Murray was a fucking nightmare.
Yeah, I have done that twice and twice has worked.
The insinuation that I am a nepo baby
and that you need to rent me this apartment
because I have parents' money to back it up and then
100% of the time they regret it because I am very poor and I will bring my poor friends around
I I swear that that is a flight. Yeah, I also have the flight of fancy like
Look at apartments and stuff
in Los Angeles and elsewhere across the country.
Just engage like, you know, the, the,
How dire the streets are.
How dire the streets are.
And I, the last time I looked in LA, I was just like,
oh fuck me, I am going to have to roommate
with the lady behind the dumpster and all and drive.
Like that is gonna have to be my roommate.
And I will have to get the grossest bridge trolls
to live with me to be able to afford
like a postage stamp bedroom.
My bed would be my bedroom.
I'm actually gonna start renting that water tower.
They found that dead girl.
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Oh. $8,000 a month. Where do you live? I live in the chalk out
line. That's where I live. I also feel like it's like that. It's like that you're too
now though. Like because I'm in the process of like, do I want to sign my lease again?
And this in the place I'm at, which I love the location,
hate the actual house. Sure.
It's an old house, but because it's in such a good location,
I refuse to move.
But it's like, OK, you could go to this cool place
that is the same size as the house you're living in now,
but it costs twice as much.
Like I have it's like I look like a 700 square foot house.
Yeah. And if I want a 700 square foot apartment,
it's like $3,000 for no reason. That's kind of what I mean by that whole like,
every time you go out shopping for a place to live, it's the game of like fine enough. It's
good enough. And then like, but also like I would rather die than pack up my house. Yeah.
That part too. It's an awful thought. The idea that eventually I am going to have than pack up my house. That part too. It's an awful thought.
The idea that eventually I am going to have to pack up
my entire house and move across the country again.
If I just leave it.
It makes me wanna die.
I think I'm gonna die here in Texas.
That's been here for so long.
You look at your apartment, you look at all your stuff,
and then you look over and there's just a gas can.
And you're like, yeah, I'm just gonna trail that out of here.
I'm gonna film in that out of here.
I'm gonna film in Louise off the fucking cliff with the U-Haul truck.
There's all my stuff in it.
There's a shed in my backyard that has stuff from three tenants ago.
That's how much moving fucking sucks.
There's a kayak in there.
There's a kayak in there that they were just like, that was $1,200 but I would rather die
than try to put that on top of my super impresa
Like they just didn't want to deal with it
That is man that is a let that be a lesson let it be a lesson to all of you out there
Unless you are rock solid like unless you like own a home or like really financially unless you are locked into living where you're going to live
I cannot recommend more highly not buying hard to move objects.
Because don't accrue things.
This is the Marie Kondo of seeping in.
I'm just like, do not buy a pit master smoker
for your patio and then realize, oh fuck,
I've gotta move this thing.
I've gotta get barbecue ash all over everything I own.
And you have to find a place that you can move into with it.
Yeah.
Or-
That can't go on a balcony of an apartment.
Or you gotta find another house.
Or set, and then you, but then you have to do the thing
where then you're always like, oh, I'll sell it
and you take a fucking bath on it.
Dude.
I bought this grill for like a thousand dollars.
I couldn't only say I'll sell it for like a hundred bucks.
It sucks.
I just sold a $700 bed for $300
Because I just wanted the space back in my house. Mm-hmm. It was it was a month old
I never I barely used it and it was just it was basically it was a brand new bed basically
And I was just like I I can't keep I banged my ankle on it like one too many times
And I just like took it the fuck I was like trying to sell it for like 450
I think and I was just like, please just come get it.
Just come get 300 with an OBO.
True. Let's go.
Truly truly a game of taking all capital L's.
Yes. For little lowercase W's.
Like that is the game.
I don't know, man.
I can I can I don't have to climb over a box anymore.
And I'm kind of hyped about that.
You know, my space.
Enough about your life.
Hey, I got him. I don't know. No, that's what my hack joke is. about that. You know how much space it takes up? What about your love life? Ew.
Got him.
That's a meme?
I don't know.
No, that's what...
My hack joke is I understand why Polly Amber is getting so popular, because you need a
third roommate, and you might as well fuck him if you're going to be living together,
like at this point, because you're only going to be able to afford a one bedroom with a third
roommate.
Yeah, there's, I mean...
The nice thing about a cult is you all live on a compound
and you don't have to pay any rent.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Yeah.
If we could get...
Should we start a compound?
I don't think we even need to start a compound.
I think that we're at this point, I think we could take a compound.
I think we go in there guns blazing,
do the little John Wick gun to the side thing that they do.
Yeah, I have no idea why they do that, but it looks cool as fuck.
I think we take it. I think we take it. I think we fucking take it
Well, there was that story that came out last week of that's like a group of long friends
Who've been friends with 28? I don't know. I'm doing a British accent probably because it was on the BBC story
But I think it happened in America big black cock news. That's right
cock news. That's right. Is that the tree?
Curry.
Breaking news, Drizzy.
Drizzy, Glyzzy. Check it out.
What was that story that came out of like, it was like a group of like five
couples or like lifelong friends that like basic they bought a piece of property.
They brought like they bought like six acres together
Yeah, and then built six tiny like tiny home like normal size houses
Yeah, they're like not even tiny. I'm sure it courtyard
They got a shared courtyard and like shared space and they're not even like I said tiny homes
But I think they're like a thousand to eleven hundred square feet of peace ideal
I like I've seen this this concept of like basically I forget fuck somebody in the comments
It's gonna know what it is, but the concept is exactly what you've described you're creating many communities of
Yeah, where you you have like smaller homes, but you have this this like great shirts based in the middle
Guys I think we reverse engineered neighborhoods, I think
Guys, I think we reverse engineered neighborhoods. I think we do.
No.
But it's about making them smaller units.
And yes, yes.
And they all have a shared garden,
but you are right, it's like, I don't know,
it is kind of like making a neighborhood, but smaller.
With your buddies.
Yeah, well, I think, you know,
I made a glib comment, but it's funny,
because I remember growing up when I was a kid,
like my parents weren't friends with our neighbors before we moved in, but it's funny because I remember growing up when I was a kid, like my parents
weren't friends with our neighbors before we moved in, but like all my parents, like all the parents in my neighborhood were friends with each other, they'd hang out, they'd come over, like it
was like a little like community. Maybe that's changed. I know I talked about this last time.
I know I talked about this last time, but I think that's a huge difference between growing up somewhere even vaguely rural which I
Look I fucking know everyone's gonna hate me for saying this
Compared of like compared to Los Angeles even Austin, Texas is rural to me. Oh, yeah
It's so small very small
The downtown area. I'll give that. It's a city.
I'm not taking away the city.
No, no, no.
The thing is though is that like I grew up in a fucking jungle, all right?
Like it was just...
A Metroplex.
Yeah.
Where there are, I am in a 200 square foot studio apartment sleeping on a futon in a kitchen
as a fucking 10 year old with families on all sides of me.
I am hearing the world's worst noises through the walls.
Okay, it's awful.
No one like their neighbor.
Everyone is a fucking enemy.
A neighbor is just an enemy you don't talk to.
That's what it is.
That was LA growing up.
And I don't like that concept of like being here in Austin.
Like I've been walking around in my apartment
and somebody will say something like,
I was wearing like my Minnesota jacket
and somebody stopped me and was like,
oh Minnesota, I'm actually from there.
Is that where you went to school?
And I was like, no, why would you think that?
And I walked away and I was like,
why did I do that?
That was so mean.
That was like trying to make a human connection
and I just shut it down.
Cause if I was, I'm telling you,
if I was like at a farmer market at a restaurant at a bar
Yeah, any other situation that conversation happens. I'm opening up. I'm having a good time
Yeah, but the fact that she's there. I'm like what do you need fucking information?
You're gonna go to the fucking people and be like oh, oh, I need to go to this unit
He's from Minnesota, and they're gonna go
Oh, you clearly know them and then you're gonna get all my stuff
Then you're gonna steal my fucking couch that I'm trying to sell on Facebook marketplace for $400 fucking dollars
But I can only get it for a hundred. It's impossible. I
Fucking hate neighbors. I
Don't like them and I I hate Facebook marketplace
Cuz one time I gave my couch away for free and then he also stole my bike
I figured it out. I figured it out. You know, I've been talking about how my bike got stolen
I don't miss my bike. I think the dude went missing around the time
I gave my couch what I think he stole my bike I
He had a truck so I think he just went
Yep, and just like took it on the way out
Missed my bike so much
It was a good bike you said OBO like or like, or best offer, and he was like,
oh, that probably means also bike.
A bike.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay.
Oh, bike, okay.
Oh, bike, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
It was free.
Man, you, like, wait, so we, I'm sorry,
hold on, I gotta roll back just a second.
Some guy came over to your place
Yeah, to pick up a couch my my Ikea free-hitting couch with storage
Yes, were you there like if someone comes over to my house to pick up anything? Yeah, I don't know them
I am sitting in a rocking chair with a shotgun watching them the entire time
I do have my gun propped up against the door whenever I have someone come in and pick stuff up because I am a woman and it's usually a man
But once it's out the door, I don't give a fuck
Okay, and also my yard. I don't think about my yard at all
So I was just like and it's out of my house and now I have space for a
Shittier smaller couch. Shittier smaller couch more guns hidden around
Yeah, see what I think is funny is the way that you guys are talking about strangers sitting on the porch with a shotgun
I trust a stranger implicitly
Come on in buddy. Come on
The moment they say yeah, I actually lived down the street
Fuck out of here buddy. I almost started a few of my neighbor, but it was some dumb shit my dog did oh
Was it tearing the fence? Yeah, my fence is fucking broken broken
It like one of the slats broke. Yeah, like a while ago. Whatever that's gone
But then I noticed two more had like fallen in and there's been like a bunch of rowdiness
Happening over there and a bunch of furniture being moved around and there's like a fucking chair up against my fence now
And I was like that motherfucker push the fucking chair up against my fence now. And I was like, that motherfucker pushed the fucking chair
and knocked my fucking fence down.
Now I'm in Landlord's gonna get mad at me
when they come by to trim the fucking tree
and they're like, what are you doing to her fence?
We built this fence with her hands.
And then I looked at the security footage
that I have, because I have so many cameras,
because I bought like five cameras
after my bike got stolen.
And it was my dog, She just fucking jumped on it.
She's fucking knocked it.
She's fucking knocked it out of the thing.
Did you see the video?
I sent it to the.
I didn't watch the video.
But I. Oh my god.
She looks.
This is what she does.
She goes.
She walks past it.
And she like.
Double takes.
Double takes.
She comes back and she goes.
Yeah.
It's so fun.
Just.
Here's a hole into the fence.
Into the other yard. And I'm like, why are you doing that? And I know the reason is then here's a hole into the fence. Into the other yard.
And I'm like, why are you doing that?
And the reason is, because again, I'm blaming the neighbors.
They have, I have seen them reach their hands
through the other slot that's missing to pet her.
Wrong.
I have a huge dog.
Don't do that.
Yeah.
I feel like if you haven't seen Sandlot,
if you do this shit.
Exactly.
No, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That shit won't fly if you see Sandlot.
Yeah, oh, and we also found out from another,
the one neighbor who I do trust,
the one who's always playing the drums outside.
Oh, okay, that's a trustworthy neighbor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she was like, oh, I always see that dog out in the yard. I just want to go in there and pet her. And I was like, don't do that.
Why would you do that?
Don't come through my fence and pet my dog.
My dog is very cute.
Leave her alone.
Yeah, your dog is long like a spaghetti noodle.
This is my point that I've been to.
And seemingly boneless.
Your dog doesn't feel like it has bone.
She's liquid.
Your dog is a ferret.
It's a large ferret.
She's a ferret, literally.
Yes.
My point is always like, I know the grass is greener on the other side.
What I think is interesting is now we have a world in which everyone in rural America
is trying to do these little community neighborhood things.
My dream is to live on 20 acres of land so that my nearest neighbor is two miles away
and I never have to talk to anybody
or see another human being again,
and I die because I'm alone, and I choked on spaghetti.
And no one was there to help me.
That is my dream.
That's the dream. That's my dream.
That's the plateonic ideal of life.
Yeah, it's all I want.
Yeah, I just want to be left alone.
Yeah, forever.
Leave me alone.
When the mail piles up.
Leave me alone.
When the bill stops getting paid.
That's how they'll know.
That's a moray. Yeah, when you do like a little pan overshot of all the final notice
That are neatly stacked so that you know that in the narrative structure, I'm poor. Yeah, exactly
But it was somehow afforded 20 acres
Little in the acres I will say oh
Shit, I didn't know you were bald now
Shit, that's a good guys. Can we do podcast? I'm doing the podcast. I just didn't know you shaved your head
I'm just looking at the camera angles man. Oh damn. It was a weird reveal to do good cheekbones. Yeah
You got good brain bones. Yeah, okay. Do I yeah?
Yeah, this is like I do you have a bald head yes. Yes. Yeah, it is a yeah
Yeah, damn if you were a little more buff, I would it would read white supremacist
Oh, okay, okay, okay. I'll take that I thought I thought you were saying like I should be more I was I was an insult
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That's all staying in by the way Go check out the you can watch what Cody looks like
Producer Cody in the video version
And you'll see like the nicest roast of our
Yeah, let me go you got good cheap bones you should play Lex Luthor in the live actually remakes
Accurate you got good cheekbones. You should play Lex Luthor in the live-action remake
Superman if Eisenberg could do it. You're pretty ass can't you I'm over here doing the math and like insult compliment in
compliment compliment, okay
Appreciate it. So you want to die alone? I do want to die alone
You were like I I am constantly thinking about just fucking retreating from society
and absolutely doing nothing.
Because you said earlier when we were talking about nightmares
that you have these things where like,
because nothing bad has happened to you life-wise,
like life-ruining.
And so you have these dreams about fear of failure
and these awful things I I
Have had life ruining stuff happen that I've never dealt with I just kick it down the road
And now I live my life almost as if the check engine of my life is on at all
It's not good. I shouldn't keep driving
I should stop and deal with some of these problems,
but like, fucking, I'm not gonna go talk to the IRS.
Get fucked, dude.
And a car hasn't not started.
So I keep going.
Yeah, sometimes I wake up in the morning
and I try to get my life going and it goes,
huh, huh, but then it goes,
vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh, vuh.
Oh, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
And they're like, why is my car making a motorcycle?
Every so often I turn the air conditioner on and smell gasoline, but it's fine
That's also a real problem. I have with my actual car
Another instance of the check engine of my life being on it
Might not have a cabin filter. Yeah, probably they might have gotten it changed. They didn't put a new one in you didn't pay for it
Well, no, I just haven't gone and gotten that replaced or over then it might be full of holes
Yeah, probably or he does what I do and soaks his cabin air-filtering
I like to take two rides when I get necktied. Yeah, so I just kind of let my life ride out until it ends.
And I feel like my only solution to all of my actual problems
is to just secede from reality and society
and go live on 20 acres that I've reclaimed from somebody who
doesn't even know that I'm there.
I guarantee you I could go out to the middle
of some national park and just live there
and squat there for long enough
that no one knows I'm out there.
Oh, absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It would be.
The Blair Witch lifestyle.
Yeah, until some like, and you would get,
you would get found by some dipshit with a drone.
Oh.
That's how you would get.
Oh.
People are like, what is that?
I guarantee you, if I really wanted to,
I could become Bigfoot.
Yeah?
I could secede from reality in society.
I could go to the middle of the woods.
I could take off all of my clothing.
And I feel like I could really get away with the Bigfoot stuff.
I already kind of look bleary.
You'd be a real tiny Bigfoot, though.
Sidelying up to another
bigfoot pissing on a log like, hey what's up? What the fuck? Just say you would fool him for a second.
They'd give you a nod and be like, hey what's up? Hey, hold on a minute. Sorry, I just shaved.
Yeah. The other bigfoot was looking at us like we looked at Cody. Hey, you got good cheekbones.
I mean, I already kind of walk like them.
Yeah.
Arms swayed.
I walked all fucked up looking behind me.
Every picture of you is like this.
Yeah, I am looking over my shoulder.
God damn, I feel like I could do it.
But in case I didn't want to die alone, I did have one other thing I wanted to talk about
recently. Uh, but in case I didn't want to die alone, I did have one other thing I wanted to talk about recently
So I should start this off by saying I love my partner. Yeah, I love my partner so much
Yeah, they're the the best person I've ever met in my entire life and I love them so much and uh, I am truly and totally infatuated with this person
But and totally infatuated with this person. But. But. Ah.
Starting up strong. Hold on a second, I'm just getting word.
No longer a partner.
Oh.
I just found out that I am expected to, as a partner,
ask them to be my Valentine.
Okay.
Now, here's the thing.
This is not necessarily a problem.
I am working on it.
I think I already told you what the idea that I had is.
And since Valentine's Day is coming out, last Valentine's Day,
what I did was I made like an old school mix tape.
And I made it myself with like
the song. Obviously, the songs are from artists that we both like,
but I like mixed it so that the songs go into each other.
And I also made like fake ads and fake stuff
that makes it sound like I recorded it off the radio.
And they really enjoyed it.
They said it was the sweetest, nicest thing
anybody's ever done for them.
So I'm doing that again, but this year,
I'm also gonna put it on tape,
and I bought them a cassette player
that'll work with their car.
Oh, sick.
So that it could be like a sweet thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it's themed.
What I'm saying is, is like, coming up with this stuff
is not an issue.
I don't have an issue doing this stuff.
What I do have an issue with is the fact that
I have had to ask somebody to be my Valentine
since I was in the fifth grade.
When did this come back?
When did this start happening again that I had to like ask the person that I'm dating
to be my Valentine?
When did it stop?
We're already dating.
Now I gotta ask you that again.
Are you fucking kidding me?
A lot of work.
A lot of work.
A lot of work.
A relationship should just be me being comfortable and doing absolutely nothing in my life. out again? Are you fucking kidding me? Wow, that worked. Wow, that worked.
A relationship should just be me being comfortable and doing absolutely nothing and putting no
effort in. Well, you drag me out to stuff that's fun until we get divorced.
And I go to those 20 acres.
I'm going to be clear. Again, I'm not upset about like having to ask this person to be my Valentine
I just like I had not had to do this since like, you know high school
It seems to me like very like a real childish thing to do and I guess that it's very sweet
It's also like it's the non-married version of like reaffirming you
Do you guys like well you're alone Yeah, I mean, perpetually.
You're so alone. Because Andrew, you're you have no one and nobody. But Griff. Do you
ask your your partner, your your girlfriend to be their Valentine?
Not, I feel like I have to.
Now you do?
Yeah.
Did you do it last year?
I never have.
You never have.
Folks, I'm sorry, I need some clarification.
What is being asked of you in this scenario,
not even a scenario, in real life,
this is not a hypothetical.
You are being asked to explicitly ask your partner,
will you, with the words, will you be my Valentine?
This is insane.
Really?
I think, yes, will you be my Valentine,
like I think you do stuff nice for Valentine's Day,
but asking someone to be your Valentine
sounds crazy as an adult to me.
This is the most fucking vindicated I've ever felt
my entire life, feeling like this is absolutely insane.
Justin, you're married, right?
I am.
Are you married?
Yeah.
Are you dating somebody?
Married?
I don't know why I assumed you weren't married.
I'm so sorry.
Are you married? Are you married?
Are you married?
You seeing anybody?
You only asked?
You only asked?
You're up.
Did you, yes or no?
Real quick, did you, are you doing a Valentine's Day thing?
Do you ask your partner, your significant other, to be their Valentine?
Is this like a thing you do?
I have not, but she has asked me why I haven't.
Oh! This is insane! insane. You haven't. Okay,
maybe asked you why not why you have. Okay. Yeah, which means that other people are. And
again, like I am in such a great position this year where like I did something so sweet
last year and the bit was I'm making you a mixtape so as a joke as a
Fucking joke. I was like will you be my Valentine and they were like I'm so excited to see how you asked me to be your
About my your Valentine again this year, and I was like fucking promposal
Okay, okay, yes, yes
Here okay, here's here's what it is. I have no I
Okay, here's what it is. I have no, I have no, I'm so worked up about it.
I'm so worked up about it.
And you calm down.
But it's not, okay, it's couples and in relationships,
you totally feel comfortable with asking for what you need
and what you want and be able to, exactly.
She's like, hey, I would really like it
if you would ask me to be your Valentine.
It's like, oh, I wasn't aware that I was supposed to do that.
And you know what?
Because I love you, I care about you. I will, of course.
Absolutely no issue with that.
What I am completely perplexed by is that suddenly,
suddenly I'm hearing about this, that there
is a cultural shift that has happened.
And for something years, it was just like, oh yeah,
we stopped doing that when I was five,
which also is kind of weird for children to ask.
I don't know, that seems already kind of weird in general.
Yeah. For children to ask.
Anyway.
So that's one of the reasons why I get so weird about it
is because like, Valentine's to me is so like,
internally linked to you would ask the girl
you had a crush on in school to be your Valentine.
Weird.
And so now, and then it never came up again.
Exactly.
So in my mind, being your Valentine
is a sweet thing that children do.
And then my fucking partner, the same age as me,
was like, you're gonna ask me to be your Valentine
and I was like, ew!
You're a little girl, you have cuties!
Cuties, get away from me.
You fucking bitch.
Get out of here you fucking bitch.
Oh my god, okay.
Cut to the clip.
You can't do it.
You can't drop that at me. I'm sorry.
I'm fucking losing it.
Oh, okay, continue.
I'm just, I don't know where this is coming from.
Because again, this has been like so,
I don't know, apparently a cultural shift has happened.
Something has happened.
A fucking, you know, a new meta has dropped.
Something has happened.
And we are now,
and again, I have no problem with doing it.
I just don't know where this is coming from.
Are you dating somebody?
No, if you were, would you,
would you expect them to ask you to be your Valentine?
It would be cute, but if they didn't do it,
would you be like upset about it?
I would feel some type of way,
but I wouldn't be really mad about it.
But I'd be like, okay, interesting.
Interesting.
The meta has changed.
Is this like a, how recent do you feel
like you've had this idea, if that makes sense?
Is it more of a recent thing or is it like always
if you're dating somebody you expect to be asked
to be there Valentine?
I think it's pretty recent.
Like, I don't know if you guys are on TikTok,
but people are making like TikToks.
There it is.
There it is.
It hasn't asked me to talk to like all the guys in my DMs.
Like, you know, there it is.
It's TikTok.
It's TikTok, which is mostly children.
Yep.
And then those children are doing that.
And then 30-year-old people are looking at that
and being like, that's cute.
How come you don't do cute stuff for me?
Like, we're teenagers in love,
and Elmondo has to do something.
I, by the way, am like...
I'm glad I'm alone.
I'm glad I know about this now,
so now my boyfriend will be mad at me.
And also this is, by the way, this is coming out on a fucking Monday.
You have two fucking days, asshole.
Yeah, it's Wednesday, dawg.
Yeah, you gotta get that shit going, dude.
Yeah.
I, uh, man, oh my god.
Okay, I feel so fucking vindicated right now.
I feel insane.
Because, again, like, my job, my actual day job
is I am a creative producer, which
means that I am given parameters to work between,
and then I create fun, entertaining segments
to fill those time slots and parameters that I'm given,
budget, et cetera.
And so what I do is I use producer brain
to plan dates and nice things for my partner. Okay.
It's like, it sounds shitty, maybe because it is.
You and I were talking about this, that like, I describe the nice things I do for my partner
as if I'm a bad scumbag.
Oh yeah, we both feel that way.
Yeah, yeah.
I just like, get this, listen to what she says.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Store it away for later.
Yeah.
And then do those nice things for her.
Yeah, because like, that's like a fucking piece of shit. It's like because I'm manipulating her in the loving me
Yeah, which is just like the the fucking Venn diagram of manipulative and considerate
Which is it?
Well, I think it comes from this idea of like not okay, This is gonna be mean griff. I'm so sorry, okay?
I think griff and I are the same in that
we are
sort of
Punching a way above our weight classes in terms of like how hot our partners are
100% and so part of it is like I'm just a silly little guy and I gotta trick you into loving me. And in the process, I've just made them love me.
But in my mind, I'm like, I gotta keep being cute
or else it's fucking over for me.
Oh, oh, you guys are pandas.
Yes.
You guys are pandas in the sense that like,
these are pandas are creatures that long for extinction.
They don't mate.
They eat things that are poisonous to them. They're like,
but they have done the one thing that is actually a useful survival tool. They have convinced
humans that they are cute. So we keep them alive. You guys are pandas. You have convinced
people. We fooled hot women into loving us. We, we got it. We nailed it. Yeah, that is so funny
That's it. I'll see the eat bamboo
I like how it fills on my gums. Yeah, I also like it when people dress up like me and have it show me how to have sex
Somebody I hope this, I hope the takeaway here is that you, you gotta ask them to be your Valentine.
That is.
Yeah, teach how to grunt it for us boys.
I swear to God, this is not how I saw this, this part of the show going at all.
I thought that I was going to reveal this information
to you guys and you were gonna be like,
yeah, of course, asshole, you have to ask them
to be your Valentine.
But it's like, okay, I feel like, so vindicated.
I feel like I've been going insane
where I was like, where the fuck did this come from?
And then I'm telling other dudes, like,
hey, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?
And they go, huh?
What?
And I go, yeah, it's like everyone's
expecting you to be Valentine and you're like, I don't know, I was going to like maybe play
less Fortnite than usual. I don't know, man.
It's for like cook something. Get on that shit.
We can talk about it after. Yeah.
By all those HEB heart shaped steaks. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you seen those? They look horrendous
They're pretty bad. Oh, no foul. They don't and the thing is is like it's not a steak cut into a heart
It's clearly that's how it was on the animal
Yeah, exactly they put it through they put a cow through a play-doh
All right folks so fucking plan your Valentine's Day accordingly and I hope, I swear to God,
there's at least one of you out there that's going, you just saved my ass.
RTP saved one relationship and honestly, that's the best we can ask for.
Hey, I don't know if you've been paying attention but the news is terrible and now it's time
for my favorite segment where we turn those bad headlines into punchlines.
Let's go to Always On.
Woo!
Woo!
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Welcome everybody.
Man, this is my favorite segment that we do every single week.
In case you are unfamiliar,
Andrew and I are going to be participating in a joke off,
our circle joke where we have Griff sitting in the middle
and then both of us joke off around it.
That's right. I've got my Jokin's lotion ready to...
Prematured joculation.
Yeah, I got to the punchline too fast.
Want to listen to some music?
And so I think, yeah, I'm going to be starting us off this week. So let's get into it.
Let's do it. Oh, San Mateo County in California has become the first to declare loneliness a health emergency.
They also urge their governor to create a new position titled the Minister of Loneliness.
And we here at RTP would like to wish Andrew Rosas a good campaign.
Andrew Rosas, he once got stood up because a girl wanted to stay home and watch WWE instead.
In other news, Andrew, Andrew Rosas found dead in a ditch.
Self-inflicted gunshot wound too, somehow, mysteriously.
Dude fucking setting up that loneliness bit earlier in the episode.
Man, god damn it, was that a fucking trail of fucking gunpowder all the way back to...
Okay, folks, King Charles was diagnosed with cancer,
which is ironic since that's what the British Empire has been on the world for over 400 years. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha has severed ties with TikTok, removing all of their artist music off of the platform. In an open letter announcing the decision Universal claimed that TikTok quote, uses
its power to hurt vulnerable artists and tries to intimidate them into a bad deal that undervalues
music and shortchanges musicians and their fans.
Oh shit, I'm sorry, that was the wrong quote.
That was actually a description of Universal Music's group's business plan. Oh, fuck, my bad, guys.
Oh, damn, damn.
Sorry.
They just want to make sure they're
the only ones absolutely fucking every artist on their deal.
Yeah, well, listen.
Online Treehouse and Silly Goose Factory rooster team
archived its Twitter, or ex, account this week
to the bewilderment and wild speculation of many fans,
followers, and talentless Rubberneckers alike. I'd like to say this to everyone
wondering what happened in the words of X from the bottom of my heart, Pussy and Bio. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, to end early. Just go blub blub blub blub. A porn star visiting Iran has stirred up some controversy.
According to their Ministry of Foreign Affairs, which
was the title of the video she was working on,
the visa issue and system was not
aware of the nature of her immoral and obscene work
until an unnamed source informed them of who she really was.
And we at RTP would like to
wish Andrew Roses a good campaign for the position of unnamed source who knows
all about pornography you lonely fuck fucking got him twice idiot happy
Valentine's Day you piece of shit ran that joke by my partner before this I
appreciate that yeah and they said are
you actually friends with this guy so funny we are best friends and I catch
more fucking yeah not even straight no no yeah these are these are these are
John Wick side guns you walk it into the it's us hanging out you walking into
the room thinking you're getting made.
Oh no, as I fucking cap you in the back of the head.
I walk into every room and I see that there's plastic
on the floor.
God damn.
All right, here we go.
Former President Donald Trump privately grimaced
that he is more popular than Taylor Swift
and his fans are more dedicated.
T-Dog, listen, you don't want this smoke.
Her fans will do a January 6th every day
if she asked them to on Instagram.
I like Taylor and do you know how badly
I wanted to write a joke here
about what a cringe album title
tortured poet department is?
I want you so bad but I can't, Don.
No one can.
She's got too many shooters, her crew's too deep,
she's too mobbed up.
So just keep making funny nicknames
for the other lizard people and geriatrics
that run our failingies and Trumpers.
And I know absolutely who's winning.
Oh yeah.
Swifties by a country mile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the Barbz.
Nicki Minaj's fans who come up from the rear
at absolutely third party.
All right, Griff, you have had a fucking time
making it through this
This was crawling up a mountain. I'm so sorry. Oh, you almost killed me. You have to pick a winner unfortunately
That last juke is really funny, but the the continued destruction of Andrew versus his personal brand
Really fucking down
Brand Really fucking got me
You know it's great hour building it
Andrew last night as we were playing fortnight. I was like, yeah, I was at this place
I'm at this cutie and I was telling me, you know, it's just 38 and single and I was like
Talk to my boy Andrew roses
And me up. He's super funny. Look at it. I'm literally scrolling through his Instagram going like, he's a painter.
Oh, like he's an Art Deco house.
He is so remarkable.
And I am a real bait and switch.
Yeah.
I'm like, I want a piece of shit.
Oh, I like his slutty shirt.
And then you show up in a fucking sweater.
Thank you so much for joining us.
For RTP, I've been Armando Torres. I'm Andrew Roses.
I can't breathe. We'll see you next week. Most of us will anyway. Bye.
Bye-bye.