Rooster Teeth Podcast - Venmo vs Cashapp - #793
Episode Date: March 25, 2024This episode was recorded on March 5th before news about Rooster Teeth's closure was released. Armando, Andrew, and Griff debate which money app is best and feed the crew fries so like... it was a ...pretty good day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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The following episode of the RT podcast was recorded 20 hours before the entire
company was laid off. Please enjoy. And let us know if you're hiring.
This is a Mr. T production. And welcome to the only podcast that's putting on an accent. It's the Archie Podcast.
103.1.
Exitos.
He said puto uno, which is one bitch.
Your host, Armando Torres.
And joining me as always is my very good amigo.
Andreas Rosas.
And? No hablar. I took German. My very good amigo Andreas roses and no oblar
It's a German
English
Welcome It's my favorite Eddie Izzard bit. You're talking about Martin Luther?
Yeah.
It's a good bit.
Yeah, it's a good bit.
Anyway.
Hi!
Welcome to the only show that accurately displayed my entire genetic background just now with
that bit.
Yeah.
It's the RT podcast.
We're so excited to be here.
I'm back in Austin, baby.
He's back, baby.
I'm here.
I just got back from sunny, beautiful Los Angeles,
and they're paying me to say that Austin's better.
So that's the view that I will express to everyone listening.
No, no.
It was sunnier here than it was there.
It was.
It was.
Wild wind.
Yeah, you were like, you called me, and you were like,
sorry, I'm driving through the rain.
And I was like, where did you go? I thought you were in la
I've never
It's washing into the ocean los angeles is being washed out to sea. Yeah, there was earthquakes. There's there's rain
There's the locusts ever since our mayor said that we had to split that baby in half because the parents couldn't agree on which one
Yeah, uh, yeah, things have gotten pretty biblically terrible. It's been plague city. It's been plague season yeah um and i blame all these
foreigners no no we'll cut that well no we're leaving that one in. This is the right wing
left wing bucket. It's for the best. Next week's episode is about uh CEO yachts. Oh that's really
good. Set your heart for adventure remind them a new romance
I'm ranking them
It's a it's they're gonna be plotted and the y-axis is how much the CEO makes and the x-axis is how long the yacht is
Him yeah, I want a big old yacht. I know I think
No, no, no, no, no, I would take a see I'm going the Scientology route where I would live on it. I want affordable housing. No, no, no, no, no, no. I would take a, see I'm going the Scientology route
where I would get a big fucking yacht
and I would immediately drive it.
What do you call it?
You drive it, it has a steering wheel.
It's a jet. Pilot it, boat it.
Boat it.
I think you drive it. Maneuver it.
I'd swim it.
I'd swim it out to the nearest fucking national,
international waters and I would declare myself an island.
Sure.
I would bring a boat big enough,
it's gotta be really big.
I'm carrying tons of dirt,
so that I could pour it immediately into the ocean
to create my own island right underneath my boat.
That boat becomes an island, I'm calling it, you know what?
I'm calling it the Epstein Island.
No correlation.
No correlation, unrelated.
I just want people to stay the fuck away.
Yeah.
It's a good idea.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Yeah, it's like, you mean Little St. James?
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Epstein Island.
It's different.
It's different.
It's right next to the Galapagos
Yeah
I don't know what we're going to talk about Epstein Island
What do you mean?
No one knows we talked about it
We cut it out last time
No one knows we talked about it
Yeah, no one knows
It's literally the best
It's one of the best things ever
Because any person who ever had any power,
yeah, clip it, fucking get, take the shot.
Take the shot, I don't give a fuck.
It's one of the best topics ever to discuss.
It's one of the best topics ever to discuss
because literally anyone who had any power
for the last 40 years has been there
and probably molested someone.
It's just like, it is a testament,
it is a testament to the corruption
that is at the root rot of this country.
You know how fucked up it is
that Pizza Gate was 98% right?
Yeah.
And instead of a pizza restaurant,
it was an island.
They have the right idea, but the wrong location.
Now had they gotten on a boat,
had they gotten on a private jet
and done what they'd done,
we might be in a better timeline.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think it's funny, it's like,
you gotta look behind the scenes to see all the corruption
and evil and stuff.
It's like, no, no, no, it's right there.
It's right there, we have pictures of it.
Also, this is giving me a great idea
for my next game show.
I think I'm gonna do, okay, so hear me out, hear me out.
It's gonna be three contestants.
And all you have to do is I will give you
everyone a piece of paper and they just write down
their 10 favorite movies.
And whoever has the fewest movies made by Weinstein wins.
He made everything, he made everything.
I was watching Carol 2015, which is a fantastic lesbian film,
and the first thing that pops up is-
Mirror Max.
You're like, fuck!
No, it says Weinstein,
and this is like, well, goddammit.
So, you know.
Guy had his finger in a lot of pies.
Poor choice of phrase.
I don't think you're allowed to call them that anymore.
No, yeah.
Well, what sucks is like,
it's everything,
and it's everything from a very like formative period of time for us
Basically basically like if you're between the ages like 25 and 40
You like came up like you saw a Weinstein movie that changed your life. Yeah, so it's fucking sucks
Yeah
For me, but it was that
Do you think there's like a... What if we got someone to pay us to just like cut that out of all the films and then we
re-release them?
Cut the Weinstein part out?
Like the title credit?
Yeah, just cut the logo out.
Well, it's still...
I mean, does he like still profit off of it or whatever?
I hope not.
Or is this like an R. Kelly situation where...
Where the money goes to the victims?
Yeah, the money for his music goes to the victims.
It's just kind of fucked up because now if you want to help out the victims of R. Kelly,
you gotta bump Ignition and the remix.
Which is, by the way, unfortunately, a flawless, seamless transition.
It pisses me off.
I have regularly tried to stop enjoying the art
from terrible, awful people.
It sucks, because everyone sucks.
But a while ago, I think it was my first RTX,
a bunch of us went out to Voodoo Donuts.
It was, at the very least, it was BK, Kai, myself,
a couple of other people as well.
And we were, I think you were there?
I can't remember.
Probably not. I think I was home
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it was just us. Anyway, we were out at the voodoo donuts
We were waiting in line and then this song came on and everyone without even thinking was just like
Then the fucking voice of R Kelly of Richard Kelson
I don't know what his name comes on over the speaker and we all went
And then we stopped dancing and we're like that was bad four minutes go on
No, you can you can listen to the music it's just when he says girl know he means it. He means literal girl
The problem with R Kelly is that he might be one of the biggest monsters in the music industry except for fucking P
Diddy I was like we don't have all the Diddy files yet
So he might be second what also the fucking nerve of a guy named Diddy to diddle is so
Why do you think he chose the name?
So fucking crazy.
Guys, thank you guys for tuning in to Libelcast.
This is, well actually it's not Libel or Kelly.
He has been convicted in a court of law.
It is not Libel in that case.
It's alleged in the case of P. Diddy.
And we said that.
It was alleged so many times.
In Minecraft, yeah.
I would also like to state that any
of the opinions expressed on this podcast
are the legal responsibilities of Rooster Teeth and Warner
Discovery LLC.
Without question.
Yeah, they don't want us saying this.
They shouldn't have given these mics in front of our mouths.
So go to thertpodcast.com.
Slash firsts.
Slash ignition.
To pay for our legal fees.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, if you're not a first member,
become a first member.
We say way crazier stuff than that.
Behind the paywall, trust me.
No, thanks.
Oh my god, I just realized that we never actually clarified
what our opening joke was about.
Me putting on the Mexican accent and doing the welcome thing.
Bienvenidos. We were talking about how a while ago, a couple months ago, me putting on the Mexican accent and doing like the welcome thing.
We were talking about how a while ago, a couple months ago, we all went to this Mexican taco place for lunch and the guy who like sat us at our table and waited on us, he comes out and he is
he comes out and he is so clearly putting on an accent
that he doesn't have. And I can't.
He was dropping consonants.
Yes, he wasn't doing the accent consistently.
Yeah.
Correct.
Like, I feel like it was one of those things where it's like,
you know, all I can do an Australian accent
for like two words and then I lose it.
Yeah. It was very similar quality to where it's like, you know, all I can do in Australian accent for like two words and then I lose it. Yeah, it was very similar quality.
It was just like, okay, that word was 100%.
Yeah.
Like a Caucasian.
Affication.
So great because he is like basically
just doing slow poke Rodriguez from fucking Speedy Gonzalez.
The voice, the voice, if the voice had been done
in a cartoon from the 50s, it would be problematic now.
Yeah.
You would be like.
Disney would have put the black screen that says like,
it was a different time.
It was a different time.
It was a different time.
We made different cartoons.
Yes, Mickey was part of the Nazi party.
But who wasn't at that time?
I mean, yeah.
As an American.
Yeah, this is real salsa of the south.
So this guy fucking...
Jesus Christ.
Shut up!
It was rough.
Disneyland, we're all about having fun here, alright?
I'm talking about not just the happiness of me,
but we're talking about the mirth of a nation.
I'm talking about not just the happiness of me, but we're talking about the mirth of a nation
It's uh, you guys see black Klansmen. Yeah, it was a black history month a couple days ago So I saw like three times over the course of the month
and it they have a scene where they watch that movie like at a clan meeting and it's like it's one of the month. And they have a scene where they watch that movie,
like at a Klan meeting.
And it's like, it's one of the things really,
racism is kind of funny to me.
Cause again, it's like, why are you mad that I'm black?
That's weird.
And it's just like watching a book,
it was obviously like watching them do like the scene
of the Klan members watching Birth of a Nation,
like it's like a documentary film is like
cartoonishly racist to the point where you're like
If you guys had like a normal support system, you wouldn't be like this. You just want friends
That's all it is. You want friends in the community. Yeah, you want yeah you want to play pickleball
You want to feel less atomized as an individual? Yeah
Well, I mean.
Those were during the good times.
Those were during the 70s.
You could buy a house.
For nothing.
For nothing.
Quick question.
Yeah.
Okay.
3Ks and black Klansmen.
Yes.
What?
Okay, so last month was Black History Month.
This is Women's History Month.
Yeah.
What's next?
I see what you're putting down.
When is it going to be White Man's Month?
No, no, no.
No, no, no, Andrew. I'll speak for you. I got this.
As my attorney, please, yes.
When's cracker culture day?
No, I was- What's April? What is April? What's the month of April? Is it Pride?
No, that's June.
June's Pride.
Because I was gonna say, if you had women's black and Pride, you'd have a fucking multiplier.
I'm so tired
I can't keep going out every weekend. I got no money
That was their plan all along
You know what it because October's is is
Latin Heritage Month, right? Mm-hmm cuz we thought it was March, but it's not
and then a API
Is that that is that April?
I don't think so.
I know what it is, hold on, I've got it.
I just want them to keep digging themselves into a hole.
We did a stream for it and it doubles up
with mental health awareness month
and I know that because I was on the stream
and I am mostly mentally ill and not Asian.
So I assume that's why I was not Asian.
I'm mentally ill.
When you shed it, my brain registered the information wrong.
And so you said I'm mostly mentally unwell and not Asian.
And my brain went, oh, mostly mentally unwell
and also mostly not Asian.
Only, only, only like 0.8% according to my 23andMe.
More Irish than Asian.
All right.
Okay, go ahead.
Well, I actually have it pulled up here.
Black History Month is in February.
Women's History Month is in March.
Asian Pacific Islander Desi American Heritage Month, that's in May. Women's History Month is in March. Asian Pacific Islander Desi American
Heritage Month, that's in May. LGBTQ plus Pride Month is in June. Disability Pride Month
is in July. Hispanic Heritage Month is in September and October because we start late
and go late. Just like every Latino party. Yeah, exactly. And then we have Native American and Indigenous Heritage Month in November.
April also has one. Do you want to guess what it is?
Is it White History Month?
Nope. Wrong and racist.
Is it Male History Month?
Nope. Wrong and sexist.
Is it...
Is it Suicide Awareness Month?
Yeah. Wreck your brains, guys.
There's somebody else left. It's a Heritage Month.
Oh, it's a Heritage Month. Okay, I was just...
It's a Heritage Awareness Month.
Just like...
I'm sorry, what?
Obfuscated in language.
It's a heritage? Irish. Yuck it up,
racists. Is it Irish?
Haven't heard a single answer yet. Really? That's the one you're going with?
Irish. Irish. Irish? No. the one you're going with Irish. No wrong incorrect Russian
Molly t-shirts are 50% off. That's also in March. I think right they get
St. Patrick's Day which is basically like that's their Independence Day, right?
You're actually that is white history month by the way. That is the White Month. That is their seat.
That's Cinco de Mayo, actually.
Mexican Independence Day.
And you should tell people that.
You're actually about to do a quiz on St. Patrick's Day in like an hour.
Oh, that's perfect.
I love that.
No, you fucking racists.
It's Arab Heritage Month.
Oh, hey.
Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Cool. I didn't know that. Yeah, you didn't. I didn't? Yeah. I love
just like you trying to get into gotcha journalism with me and I'm like oh cool
now I know that. Yeah and it shows. What month is that? April? April. Okay, how are we gonna celebrate? I have a joke about it later.
For the first month first? Yeah. This whole month thing got cut out. Anyway, so we went to this restaurant.
This Mexican food restaurant.
And this guy who is our waiter comes over.
Yeah.
He says.
I can't say it how he said it.
He goes.
Yeah, you can't do it.
Armando can.
Hello, welcome to the restaurant.
I want to say that it's a pleasure to have you today. How he said it he goes yeah, you can't do Armando can hello welcome to a restaurant
I want to say that we easy a pleasure to have you today. I am your your waiter
What was it like he really put some fucking?
Said it a little gay yeah
It was it was it was like he was using that accent to cover up like the gay accent. It was very weird I
He was using that accent to cover up like the gay accent. It was very weird. I
It was a little bit what the best part is like we all heard it and I feel like we all looked at each I feel like we all exchanged like a glance like Fisher there and Fisher was there too. I feel like it was like
and
Am I right?
No, because here's how fucked up it was.
At one point, he like,
I can't even remember what he was saying.
He was saying, have you been here before?
Oh, that's what it was.
Have you been here before?
Or like, have you eaten here?
But the way that he said it was like,
have you been here before?
Have you been here before?
And none of us could decipher what he was saying
And Andrew thought he said, what's your name, sir? Or something?
Yeah
Yeah
And so you go, oh
Oh, Andrew
And he goes, he looks at you and pauses for a second and he goes, okay, me sir Andrew
And then he proceeded to call you that for the rest of the meal.
He called you Miser Andrew
like he's doing a fucking Family Guy sketch.
That was upsetting.
It was very, but very funny.
It's even worse because you're very,
not half Mexican coded, so it feels bad.
No, exactly. It felt really bad.
Yeah, no, it like.
Because we know, he didn't know.
But it activated my Latin heritage sense.
It was troubling. It was definitely troubling.
Well, and it was like...
Sorry, this is going to sound terrible,
but we'd be talking, we were having our conversation,
we were probably talking about, like,
can you get a load of this? We were talking, having a conversation and then you turn me comes up to the table. It's like
What's he going to what's what is he going to weirdly
Racistically fumble through anyway. It was yeah
It was yeah one point I swear to God he brought us our food and he went he's done for tacos
There's no fucking way, dude.
Who likes this?
I don't know!
Who likes this?
Who's going, well it's Mueller.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh no, yeah, those, I mean,
the white ladies with the Sonic the Hedgehog haircut
absolutely love, absolutely love,
you know the PC like,
the armor, yeah, they love that.
They love feeling included.
Oh my God, what an incredible place.
I absolutely loved it, actually I take it back.
It made me feel good about myself and my accident.
Yeah, let's go back after.
By the way, food was great, I mean food was good.
Food was good.
Yeah, you can get an Agua Fresca the size of Mondo's head
for a nickel, it's crazy.
It's super cheap, except they will call it Agua Fresca the size of Mondo's head for a nickel. It's crazy. It's super cheap except they will call it Agua Fresca.
God, that shit was so funny.
Slowpoke Rodriguez is the probably closest analog.
It was like regular Poke Rodriguez though.
He didn't say it was that accent but not at half speed. It was at full speed.
If you merged the Speedy Gonzales and the Slowpoke Rodriguez, that's the speed it's at.
You know what fucking accent he was doing was, uh,
Sheriff's! We don't need no stinky sheriff's badges!
Badges? We don't need no stinky- yeah, it was that.
We don't need no stinky badges!
You know what it was? You absolutely nailed it with that movie reference.
It was 70s racist accent.
Yeah!
70s specifically!. Yeah 70s
Like yeah, and you hadn't been to LA yet. Yeah
Go there. It's all about New York City stand and deliver hadn't come out yet
Yeah
That's the
Table six How do I? Yeah. How can I reach these table sixes? Oh my God.
This is all going, I don't know.
No, no, no, no, this can be left in.
Our producer is shaking his head at us from off screen.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, you're not cutting it, you bald white man.
He looks so good. Also with the beard, with the gray Yeah. Yeah, you're not cutting it, you bald white man. He looks so good.
Also, with the beard, with the gray beard.
Yeah, go back to Cody.
This is the best Cody has ever looked in the seven years
I've been at Richard T. Look at him.
We've also established the community is wildly
thirsty for Cody.
It's upsetting.
Cody does look good until you remember that he's only 24.
And then he looks a lot worse.
Yeah, but then you remember he's 6'7",
and his blood has to travel so far.
That is true. That is true, and that is fair.
Cody, were you always tall
or did the nature of your job stretch you out?
Yeah, stress pulls you apart.
Yeah, it does. It do Straight, yeah. It does, it do be doing that.
Don't be leaving it.
Yeah, I did get just come back from Los Angeles
and that was cool.
It was cool to be around real Mexicans again.
You kept getting like, you kept telling us stuff
that sounded so whimsical.
Oh yeah, Brown privilege.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my favorite thing.
It's the opposite of when you went to Boston. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's my favorite thing
Yeah, when I went to Boston I got hate crimes before I got into the uber Yeah between the plane and the car. Yeah, that's the problem with you fucking Dominicans. He's thinking so fucking smart
I'll never forget that
That'll be the last thing you think of as you like shuffle off this
That'll be the like the last thing that echoes as a DMT hits.
Yeah, that and-
Thank you so fucking smart.
Thank you fucking dimitrikin.
Thank you so fucking smart.
Okay, Mr. Andrew.
Andrew.
It's time for tacos.
Tacos.
Fucking awful, weird, cartoonish, racist ghost that will haunt me.
We tipped him so much.
Yeah, we did.
Because it was like, yeah, that's what you want.
Anyway, it was dinner and a show, frankly.
I went to Los Angeles and the first thing that we did when we got back to my partner's
hotel, Jesus, apartment was we took their dog out for a walk and as we were walking
down the block this guy was cooking on a charcoal grill just on the sidewalk and I was like, oh damn
that smells good as hell and he was like, oh you want a taco? And I was like, yeah, yeah, but you
know I'm walking a dog and he goes, oh on the way back, on the way back and I was like, oh, you want a taco? And I was like, yeah, yeah. But I'm walking a dog, and he goes, oh, on the way back,
on the way back.
And I was like, cool.
So we walk the dog.
I come back, and the guy goes, I walk up to him, and I go,
OK, cool.
Do you have like, Cash App or Venmo?
I didn't start with Venmo.
I took a look at the guy, and I went, do you have Cash App?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which, by the way, in case you're
wondering what the difference is, is when you say,
like I would look at Andrew and go like,
oh, do you have Venmo?
Because Andrew looks like this
wearing his Depeche Mode shirt.
But then you would look at me and go,
oh, you've got priors.
Do you have cash app?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You couldn't pass the background check for Venmo.
There's no way they're letting me have Venmo
as a first choice.
And it gets worse too.
There's, the one level worse than Cash App is Zelle.
I feel like anyone who's ever asked me
if I could use Zelle.
They're trying to scam you.
Mm-hmm, absolutely.
I've never, unless it's like your roommate
giving you money for rent.
That's hysterical.
And even then.
So yeah, I ask him if he has Cash App.
Of course, yeah.
Because again, I'm not a monster.
I'm not gonna start with Zelle, but I could tell.
And he goes, for what?
And I was like, to pay pay and he was like, oh
No, I'm not like selling like we're just hanging out
I was like, do you want a grub real quick and I was like what the fuck this is the promised land?
Yeah, man, and I was like, can I send you anything? He's like that's not you if you want to or whatever
but like I don't really care and
Yeah, I he just gave me and my partner fucking tacos and we just like got those
It was awesome
They would have given they would have given Dewey a taco. This is the future liberals want. Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome
I got that I went down to the fashion district. I got a full suit button-up shirt
Also again, I feel like I told y'all this the suit that I got is a Ralph Lauren suit, but without the
the
Lining or branding for it. Okay. It was made by the same company or the same. Sorry the same
Manufacturing facility which means that
they just came back at night yeah that's like my easy reps yeah exactly
they're the exact same manufacturer the exact same equipment and materials they
just came back at night yeah and they don't they don't have the logo and I
don't know I don't want the logo they're better I don't want that fucking you
want the fucking guy on the no I've No, on the horse? No, no, no. I've never been on a horse.
And neither of us has my suit.
No, so give me the regular shit.
I don't want no fucking horse cop on my shit.
No, yeah, get that polo mallet out of there.
I wanna go.
I wanna go with that for this shirt.
It was awesome.
You got that whole outfit for like a song.
It was, yeah, yeah, I went,
he's not going down, and they just gave it to me uh no
I got the full suit the shirt the tie the tie clip uh the cufflinks too that I didn't end up needing
um and then I got it tailored to me same day uh for 215 bucks that is insane 215 bucks, 222 if you count the seven dollar parking that I needed.
The fucking, the shirt and the pants and the shoes would have been 200.
Yeah. It was incredible. It's just a city of people looking after people that I like a lot.
This is the problem that I have with Los Angeles and what everyone says about it is everyone always asks me if it's like full of people that are just like fake and like they're just gonna
try to like use you and it's like yeah that is most of Los Angeles. Those are the people
who moved to Los Angeles. But then there's an entire part of Los Angeles that's just
people that are from Los Angeles and we are desperately trying to keep ourselves alive and it's almost like we can fucking look at each other and know that
we grew up in the same neighborhood we just help each other out. That guy gave
me tacos they gave me a hookup on the suit because I spoke to him two
sentences in Spanish. Also it was like doing the thing where like you can see
what the prices are listed but when I I would go, how much is this?
He would go, 10 bucks?
You know, do you want to have a like head nod,
like I like this guy, he seems cool.
Yeah, 10 bucks for you.
The like the truly like no haggle bargain,
like the no haggle haggle where you're like,
is this 10 bucks?
Seven bucks.
Seven bucks for you.
You just have to say the price with the hint
of a question mark in it, and then it's like, all right.
It's absolutely phenomenal, it's fucking great,
the food is great, two different times I walked into
a smoke shop because I needed to get a vape.
And I would go...
Are you powered through vapes like that?
Yes.
Okay.
We'll talk.
Sorry.
I was going to a lot of bars.
It's okay.
You got big lungs.
Exactly.
I can fit more of the nicotine in.
I went to a smoke shop and I tried to get a vape.
And they're... I don't know if you know this,
but they're illegal in California.
The flavored ones, right?
The flavored ones are outlawed in California,
not allowed to get them.
As many bubblegum weeds as you want.
Yeah.
But no bubblegum vape.
Nope.
Yeah.
I went, I had my partner.
Like zero cents, anyway, continue.
I had my partner who is a very tall, very thin, white person,
sent them to the smoke shop and was like, hey,
can you go grab me a vape?
And they were like, absolutely.
Went to the smoke shop and came back empty handed and went,
they don't have vapes.
He told me they're illegal.
And I guess maybe, I don't know, could we get somebody
to ship you one from Texas?
And I was like, oh fuck, that's my bad, let me go.
And I walk in and I go, hey man, can I get a vape?
And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me a second.
And walks to the door behind him, unlocks it,
and comes out with a cardboard box full of vapes,
and was like, which one are you looking for?
You're scumbag coated.
That's what I'm saying.
You're not a scumbag, you're scumbag coated.
Yes, I don't give off like, I'm a cop vibes.
No, you don't give off a reputable energy.
No.
That's really funny.
Yeah, the amount of times that in Los Angeles,
somebody was like, yeah, hold on,
and then went and grabbed something from the back for me,
so many times.
I'm the opposite.
I will go to a smoke shop and they don't want to sell me stuff.
Yeah.
Like the stuff that's in the counter.
Yeah.
Like I'm like, I'm here for legitimate purposes.
Could I please have your finest Delta 8 vape, please?
And they're like, we don't do that.
I'm like, I'm looking at it right there.
And like, no.
And I went to the same smoke shop with you and the guy and I was like,
can I get those Delta 8 gummies?
And the guy looked at him and was like I got real ones. Yeah yeah yeah
oh my god I forgot about that we've gone to smoke shops together where the guys
have been like recently there's this one smoke shop here in Austin that I went to
the guy was like hey I have acid. He didn't ask for it. Which one? Tell me after. Yeah yeah yeah I tell you after. I'm looking. No free advertising, no sponsorship.
You gotta pay to play around here.
That's right, but if you are a smoke shop
that sells illegal products, hit us up.
We'll sponsor, you can sponsor this show.
Yeah, it's because you're a fucking Venmo person.
It's because I look at you and I go, yeah, you Venmo.
Yeah, like you can scan the QR code.
Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I want, I look like somebody who has a Cash App card.
You can tell I didn't drink a beer until I was 20.
Oh yeah.
And I felt real cool about it.
God, I drank a beer, I think when I was like eight
or something.
You know the key.
You know the key.
What?
You need to, you need to wear a,
you need to go in there wearing a shirt
that you clearly caught at a sporting event.
If you can get free t-shirt at Dodger Stadium gear.
And then like, I'm going to assume, and I might be wrong,
second-hand crocs.
Oh, yeah.
Not ones that are cool.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ones that look comfortable.
Yeah.
Ones that have been, that you've worn so long,
they're form-fitted to your feet.
No, someone else's, because I got them second-hand.
They're very uncomfortable.
Oh my god, yeah, I love Los Angeles.
It's a city full of scumbags and criminals
that are just doing fun scumbag criminal shit together
I tried to sell us weed gummies. Yeah
Like he was a cop. Yeah, right
Wait, how did the script flip so dramatically?
The amount of times where like I've had five seconds of conversation with somebody that works at a smoke shop before they try to
Sell me illegal drugs. He's insane. My partner came with me to,
was here in Texas one time,
remember when we all hung out,
and we went to a smoke shop,
and the guy was like, yeah,
within like four seconds of talking to me,
he was like, yeah, I got some dang shit in the back
if you want it, and then my partner was like,
is it, I thought it was illegal here,
and the guy was like, oh. Yeah, I must have been confused ma'am. I bad my bad. I and like
Legitimate partner your scumbaggery was so blinding that I didn't think you guys came together
She's my partner's not even a Venmo person, they're a 401k person.
They're a Roth IRA person.
Yeah, truly.
That person was waiting for the bell to ding
of your partner to leave the shop,
and then they're like, ding ding,
okay, here's what the deal is.
It's like, yeah, okay.
Oh my God.
Like, yeah, I want.
Hey, I guess we can stop them at home, wait till they leave,
and I'm like, I'll get you.
I love Los Angeles, it's such a great city. I cannot wait to go back
It's so fun. I want to take y'all to los angeles. I need I need the insiders. I need the insider's tour
I need the insider's take of los angeles. The best time I had was when I was there for a month
Remember you got covid. Oh, yeah
That was when we all found out that you could get covid after you got vaccinated
Mondo was one of the first ones in the friend group
that got it.
We were at a, we went to a gay club in West Hollywood
and it was one of the first times I had been out
since COVID started.
This was like right when Delta started happening
and we all were like, oh, we thought we were good.
Everyone was vaccinated.
Everyone was vaccinated.
Spitting in each other's mouths,
licking each other's doorknobs.
It was the fucking, it was the Zion rave from the Matrix.
The street, and also like the real ones,
like I would say the androses of the world
were still afraid of COVID, correctly.
And so every, the streets of Los Angeles
were just flooded with cash out people.
Just absolute pandemonium as everyone out
was just a fucking-
Showing our vaccine cards to get in the bars,
feeling real smug about it.
Oh my God, the amount of times that in that night,
four different people asked me
if they could buy my vaccine card off of me.
No!
No, I eat that to get into the bar.
Yeah, also just go get the vaccine, it's free!
It doesn't matter, it's fine. It doesn't matter, it's fine.
It doesn't matter.
It was a different time.
You should always still just get it.
But yeah, we- I wonder where my card is.
Mine's in my wallet, I got mine right now.
I have mine on me still at this moment.
Just in case.
In case they fucking bring it back,
in case Joe comes on and goes,
ah, they were right, I'm a piece of shit.
You need your vaccine card to get anywhere.
Oh, geez, only.
Oh, geez, only. So we were at this gay club in West Hollywood.
And it's the first time that I've been out since COVID
started, like really out and out. And I am dancing on the
rooftop bar, just absolutely surrounded by people.
I'm talking like end of a zombie movie camera pulls up.
I'm getting pulled on my ass to ankles.
Absolutely covered.
And also, again, the reason it was important that it is a gay club in West Hollywood, for
those of you not in the know, what I'm saying is that everyone else there was five foot
four. Yes
You were like a towering over a sea of people. You're getting so many drinks bought for you. Oh man
You were full of a sea of tequila shots. I felt so pretty
I felt so pretty I was getting so many shots
You were giving them away
Yeah, well because at a certain point I was like, this real ones know how much this means
I had been drinking.
I was reaching a point where I could no longer
put more alcohol in.
I think I paid for two drinks the whole night.
And that was before we went out to the gay box.
When we were just going out to the regular places,
that's when I had to pay full price.
You should have waited.
Oh, that's not true. I might cut this out. That's not true. I also got that free shot because
I got into... Okay. Before we went out to the West Hollywood place, we were at a different bar for
a friend's birthday. Yes. For Charlotte's birthday? Yeah. we we were I was at the bar and
this couple was arguing I shouldn't even say couple they were clearly on like a
first Tinder date or something and she was I would say probably a Venmo person
and he was a Zell guy. Oh, okay really
Capulets and Montagues. Yes. Yeah, and the way that I came into the conversation was that she goes
There's no way and he goes no, I'm telling you I'm six foot four
Dude you just fucking. Yeah, and I, and. And she's doing fucking chef's kiss.
If there's.
She says it just like that, dude.
She goes, there's no way.
One of, maybe one of the funniest phenomenons on earth,
I cannot get enough of these videos,
is of dudes lying about their height.
And the guy with the measuring tape. It is hysterical because it's like,
hey bro, how tall are you? Six foot three. Really? Can I measure you? No, fuck you bro.
And they walk away. And they get so mad. Because yeah, you know in your heart how tall you are.
You are five foot nine. He's a piece of shit. My favorite part of that video your heart, that's all you are. You are, you are five foot nine
piece of shit. My favorite part of that video is the guy that's like, I'm six foot seven
and then they measure him and he's six foot 10. And his response is, Oh, how about that?
Okay, cool. I think he literally says, whatever. Yeah. Whatever. So sorry. Yeah. Like to witness
that argument in the wild would have just been, I mean, so good.
She brought me into the argument, was going,
excuse me, sir, how tall are you?
And I went, I like looked at this guy
and he just made a face, please, please,
please give me the pleading Brazilian bottom face.
Yes, oh my God, a face that I could only describe
a face that I could only describe
as the scene in a movie when the bag comes off
and there's a gun in your face.
Please, no, no, no, no, no, please.
You have to understand, Armando was this man's
last chopper out of Saigon.
It was that dire.
And so she goes, how tall are you?
And I go, come on, man.
And I'm looking at him and I'm like towering over.
So you're looking at him.
Yeah, yeah, I'm looking down at him.
And I go, I'm 6'9".
And I'm 6'5".
But I'm like, I'm really gotta overshoot this.
And she just goes, there's no way.
Yeah.
Even she knew you were full of shit.
Yeah, I was trying to help the homie out and I couldn't.
And yeah, she just like, she got so upset
and then was just like laying into him.
And then like went on this rant about like,
and again, deservedly so.
I want to be clear, I'm on her side.
Yes, yes.
You were just trying to alleviate the situation.
I was trying to get a drink.
I didn't want anything to do with this shit.
Draw me into this low stakes domestic dispute.
Yeah.
So then she's doing this thing, and she goes and finds
another person who's like, how tall are you?
And he's like, oh, I'm 6 foot 1.
And then she's like, stand back to back with me.
And at this point, I'm like, OK, I guess, whatever.
So I do that.
This goes on for another three minutes.
And the bartender watches all this happen. And then I go, can I get a shot of tequila
and like a tequila soda and lime?
And he just hands it to me and then he was like,
that's for you.
I was like, oh, do you want the card?
And he's like, I watched that.
He said, I watched that.
And that was the precursor to the rest of the night
that we had.
When I am standing zombie field of people,
looking out at all these people,
a sea of unmasked masks.
And...
Ah!
And I'm fucking dancing.
Dancing queen!
Yeah.
Sabatana!
First of all, it was when you used to.
Second of all...
Yeah, yeah, it was.
It was, yeah, it truly was.
And I'm looking out there and I'm thinking to myself like,
fuck, I'm getting COVID, didn't I?
For sure I'm getting COVID.
So you gotta go hard.
Yeah, and at a certain point I was like,
well, I've already got it.
I guess we'll just keep going.
And rest assured, I had gotten it.
You did, damn the torpedoes.
I got it really fucking hard.
That was the first time I got COVID.
It sucked so much ass and I had been vaccinated.
And yeah, Jesus Christ.
And that's Los Angeles, baby.
That's Los Angeles, a magical place.
A magical place.
A magical place.
So you get COVID in an open-air gay bar.
So all that is to say, need I need I need that tour
Yeah, can you take every time every time I bet but here's the thing
I always have a great time when I go there, you know, people give it a people
You know some people give it a bum rap
I always have always had a good time and I've gone to Los Angeles like literally every time
Not the same for New York. I do love New York
But I have had a 50 50 split of good times and times
I wish I could always sunshine white
from my memory in New York.
Like some bad times in New York.
Also good, but every time I've been to Los Angeles,
I've had a good time.
If not like, no bad vibes, only good vibes.
New York was pretty sick except for the fact
that like it's fucking gross.
It seems disgusting.
It's gross in a way that I feel like Los Angeles is.
I always thought that Los Angeles and New York
were very comparable places.
They are not.
I've never been to New York,
but I feel like LA is better.
LA is certainly cleaner and more laid back.
And I don't want you to get the wrong impression.
LA is not a clean place.
No, it's cleaner.
It's cleaner.
Sure. Yeah. I don't know if I told this story on place. It's cleaner. It's cleaner sure yeah
Um, I don't know if I told the story in the pipe or sorry on the podcast or ever before
I know I think I've told both of you this maybe before but
This my worst trip to New York had nothing to do with the city
That's the best part is that I had it was all circumstantial of the context of which I was there
Not at all had anything to do with the city because like the city you know ostensibly I went I remember doing going and doing cool
stuff and single stuff but could not enjoy it at all because I went up there
with my girlfriend at the time and she broke up with me mid trip yeah you've
not told this I have not told this well Well. To me. Anyway, so okay, I was in college.
My girlfriend at the time,
our family lived in Pennsylvania.
So we go up, we're staying in her parents' house
for like a week.
And we're in Pennsylvania, which is just a train,
it's like an hour train ride into New York.
So we had planned to go into New York,
say it's Wednesday or whatever
in the middle of the week.
Tuesday night, she breaks up with me at her parents' house
and I'm like devastated.
And then it's just like, so do we still go to New York?
We have tickets?
So proceed to take the quietest train ride.
You're in college, so do you even have a smartphone?
No, no, this is T9 texting.
You have like a Walkman?
I have-
You snake on your fucking phone?
I've got a Nokia brick.
Yeah, he got a text message that says,
I think we should just be friends,
but sending it sounded like this.
It also was I-T-H-K.
It was on a fucking Blackberry.
No, it was on a sidekick.
Yeah, because it turns out she had a sidekick too.
It was on a chocolate.
It was on a chocolate.
God damn.
And you smelled like fucking Axe chocolate.
Maybe the worst smelling thing that's ever been emitted.
But no, I just like, because again, being a college idiot and not being emotionally mature enough to handle that, I was just like, okay, so then we go.
What I should have done was just not gone into New York. I don't know. I just remember taking the quietest train ride there, walking next to my, like, just hot off the presses Reese and X X not being able to enjoy any of it just like
Cool, this is um it's a really magical
Here's in my fucking eyes red ring yeah in puffy face try just stuffy nose cuz you're not crying
But you want to just yeah
Take oh
What a magical You want to just yeah So that was my
First real adult experience in New York. I've been back since another good time, but that was my favorite like
Yeah, I
What a treat would like to apologize. It's okay to you. I
That sucks it does I either break up with me before the trip after yeah
In the middle is crazy in the middle is insane. That's insane. Sure. You should fight for
No, I wanted to fight her she wanted you to fight her dad. Yeah
His gloves off pops, let's go. I
Yeah, I think the worst breakup I may have ever had was also when I was like college. I think I was like 18, 18 years old or something.
And I lived in Los Angeles and I was dating a girl who lived in Palmdale of Afro man fame.
Palmdale of Afro-man fame. So far.
Yeah.
Palmdale is like, in Austin probably would be like driving out to like, what's like an
hour and a half away maybe?
Oh, that's far.
Like time or distance?
Like both.
So like Kyle?
It's actually one of those things where like what's weird about LA is driving five miles in the city is like an hour and a half.
Exactly.
Palmdale is like I think like 20-30 miles out of the city or something and it still is just like an hour and a half.
That's wild.
Yeah that sounds right.
But anyway she lived far.
It's out in the middle of nowhere.
It's called the Antelope Valley where they have Palmdale, Lancaster, et cetera.
And I remember that I would be the one
that would drive out to Palmdale
every single weekend to go see her.
And she was always hanging out with her weed dealer.
And at the time I was just like,
oh yeah, that's just how, you know,
cause they're like friends. My, you know, cause they're like
friends.
My sweet summer child.
Cause they're like friends, they hang out.
All he does is sell her weed.
So I found out that he was giving her the joint.
Okay.
He was giving her the spliff.
Yeah.
They were doing blowbacks.
Yeah.
And he was making the dab hits super sticky.
And yeah, I found out that she was cheating on me with a weed dealer.
And I remember going out there and my car broke down and it was like the world's worst
trip.
And then we got into a fight
and she told me that she had been cheating on me and then...
Was it because you couldn't fix the car?
Well, partially. We were just always getting in fights. That was the other thing.
It was just two 18 year old Latinos dating each other.
Absolutely the worst people for each other.
High dynamic relationship.
Yeah, she was the one who switched me from a camel menthol
to a cowboy killers, red stripe Marlboro.
They'll suck.
Yeah, making my life actively worse.
Anyway, so yeah, she told me that she had been cheating
on me and that she wanted me to leave
because homeboy was actually on his way over
and she didn't know that I was supposed to be there
that weekend.
And my car was broken and at this point,
like Uber lift, et cetera, was not like super,
like prevalent.
So I was going to go take a train back to Los Angeles
so that I could then go get somebody to help me come back
to Palmdale and fix my car,
like jump my car so that I can take it,
but I needed a ride to the train station.
Do you wanna take a guess as to who drove Armando?
Why couldn't he just jump your fucking car?
I don't know!
And I asked myself that question.
Why couldn't he just jump the car?
I think he wanted to rub it in.
I think he wanted to be an asshole.
Oh, he rubbed it in, all right.
Why couldn't he be like, I'm gonna pop your hood?
No, you wouldn't get it.
What an asshole!
Damn!
Oh my God.
Absolutely the-
No, they were in the trunk.
You didn't get it.
Absolutely the worst breakup that I've ever had.
That sucks.
And then I rode, I got dropped off by him
as he was like hey, well, I just wanted to say like
No hard feelings and shit, you know, like oh you seem like a super cool guy Oh, you know if you ever need anything like any like greens or anything
I'll for sure like I'll hook it up and shit. Just let me know
I
Love I love the not victim in the scenario
saying no hard feelings.
That is such a psychotic.
Hey man, I know I've been like straight cucking you
for like months.
No hard feelings.
He was, was he old?
He was older than her.
He was older than both of us.
We were like 18 and he was 29. Oh gross. Hey
Um, I know I've been making you look like a bitch
Yeah, I want to see I want to see Mondo on the train as like he's like he sits down and like the doors are closing
And you see the car like across and it's him waving but he has jumper cables in his hand
and you see the car like across and it's him waving but he has jumper cables in his hand
no and just like as the twitch steam from the truck is the steam train
as it pulls away there's there's so many there's so many like ways where like if we're making the cinematic version of this that's just like the most devastating possible it's just like it's just
mondo in a car that you're too small to get inside of, so you're in the
passenger seat hunched over, you're being forced to look down. On the floor is one
of your girlfriend's nails that you noticed was missing two weeks ago that
she said she lost, I don't know, in a fight. And then just like, and then just
like, so you look away from that, so you go to look out the window and then in
the door handles like her scrunchie and you're like, so you look away from that, so you go to look out the window, and then in the door handles, like her scrunchie,
and you're like, oh this, ugh.
Yeah.
Ugh.
Putting it together like the end of fucking usual suspects,
like you're fucking kidding, you got Kaiser society.
I reach, I like try to like put the seatbelt in,
and I pull it, what is this?
A signed affidavit from my girlfriend saying she's banging.
What the fuck, It's all indigenous.
Several.
Several pages.
It's a fucking teleplay of the situation.
Yeah, it fucking sucked.
Signed notarized copies of photographs of you fucking.
What the fuck?
Patty cake.
It was the worst breakup I still think
that I've ever experienced.
And my favorite part about that was I was like,
after that was over, I was like,
well, I never have to see this person again.
Fuck her.
I'm gonna be in Los Angeles
and I'm gonna be like a super famous comedian or whatever
and she'll just be some fucking piece of shit
over in Palmdale.
And then like three months later,
I went on Gap to buy a new pair of jeans because that's
What I could afford at the time which by the way pretty good jeans. I was on Gap and
Guess who I saw on the fucking home screen of Gap as a new model for Gap at Old Navy
You're alive yeah, you didn't immediately walk in front of that train.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to die.
That is rough.
You're a Capricorn though, so I know that just fueled you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It fueled me to get bigger, stronger, worse.
It fueled you with like, hate.
Haters will be your waiters.
I'll tell you this much.
This is how much it changed me in that moment.
I picked up my phone, I opened it up, I held down on Venmo, and I deleted that bitch
I
All in uncontrolled I've had such a good time with y'all and I
Love this show so very very much. It makes it sound like I'm about to break up with this It truly does but you know no, but it's been on the side
It's okay. It didn't mean anything to me. I find a fucking sure microphone
This is a helix house, you fuck. That's sully.
Yeah.
I, uh, I had so much fun.
This episode has been so great.
And now it's time for my favorite part of every single week.
It's time for Always On.
Let's go.
Are we calling it Always On anymore?
Didn't we change it?
Yeah, moving forward, I'll say this week in jokes.
I heard there's going to be a big All Hands tomorrow.
Yeah.
Do you know what that's about?
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Hey, I don't know if you've been paying attention, but the news is terrifying,
which is why we took some headlines and turn them into punchlines. It's time for your weekend jokes. Yeah
Love it, baby. We're doing our classic circle joke where we have Griff sitting in the middle as Andrew and I joke off around her
It gets funnier every week. It's in a it's in a period where it's dipping
It's a thing and it'll come back little It's dipping and it'll come back like a Kaufman joke.
Yeah, it'll come back around.
Eventually it's gonna be so fucking funny.
We're gonna really reach around and...
Yeah.
Shut the fuck up.
You know what, why don't you start us off?
Yeah, with that kind of heat.
So much heat coming off this, here we go.
Folks, the first over-the-counter birth control pills will begin shipping to drugstores around the country this week
This is actually news to me because I've been getting you geocards over the counter for years and that's work great at preventing pregnancy
I like that joke quite a bit that juice. Did you see this is not one of my jokes by the way
But did you see the thing about France is?
immortalizing abortion rights by putting it into their like legislation for their constitution
Yeah, it's in their Constitution, which I think is very
Good for a country who also has laws about you need to cheat on your wife a lot. I
Also, it's like that them enshrining it in their Constitution is impressive until you see how many constitutions they've had
Yeah, it is a room full of papers. It is they have they change constitutions like I change underwear
Which is a frequently?
Every couple of years, but a lot. Oh
My god, all right family dollar America's favorite place to buy 4% milk and choking
hazards, is being forced to pay a $41 million fine after their warehouse was found to be
infested with mice. And in defense of themselves, Family Dollar insisted, yeah, of course our
warehouse is full of mice. It's the family dollar version of automation
They're very helpful my yeah, yeah
Technically we're in plot. We're employing foreigners. That's five oh, and that's his whole fucking family Family dollars hiring.
Oh, folks, a giant natural helium deposit has been discovered in Minnesota and may be the
largest reserve in North America.
Locals were thrilled at the find and said, this will be a burden to the local economy
and the medical industry that did helium for testing equipment. Reports state that Minnesotans haven't been this excited since they found that big Whippet I did a CO2 test in a Minnesota. That's right, yeah.
Oh, the helium you think it wouldn't be. Did you know that a lot of the wildlife around here
is balloon?
Oh my God.
Here's one that's gonna get us killed.
El Chapo's granddaughter is joining the hunt
for the Loch Ness Monster.
And I, for one, am excited for her fresh ideas
and look forward to Nessie being found inside a tunnel
under a hydraulic toilet.
Yeah.
That one was okay, all right?
Okay, Choppo, we're good.
You're clean.
You're clean.
We're clean.
We're clean.
We got out of there.
All right.
There's a note in your pocket.
No!
This one's not gonna get us killed
but it probably won't make it to air. All right. No! This one's not gonna get us killed, but it probably won't make it to air.
All right.
The US began air dropping life giving aid
to Palestinians in Gaza this week.
Let's see if it can out set the billions
in already we've given in life taking aid.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no.
It won't.
I liked it.
I liked it.
It won't.
We're staying, we're keeping in. Keeping it in. We're keeping it in. We're keeping liked it. We're staying, it's keeping in.
Keeping it in.
Keeping it in.
We're keeping it in.
Yeah.
We're putting it at the beginning too.
Yeah.
And also it's gonna be the social clip this week.
Yeah.
We're keeping it in like our forefathers were promised.
That's our joke.
We were guaranteed it.
Guaranteed it.
Oh my God, that might get cut out.
OK, four states are considering adding a new qualification
for medical marijuana, female orgasmic disorder,
or in layman's terms, being a woman who
doesn't come during sex, or in lay woman's terms,
sleeping with androsis.
Jokes aside, it is unclear if marijuana will help women get there, but it will help them to understand whether shitty boyfriends would rather play Fortnite than go down on them.
Hey, babe, you want to squat up tonight?
Where are we dropping?
Maybe down on me, bitch.
Why don't you fucking hit them knees?
On me, on me, on me.
On me, on me, on me.
Yeah, I won't touch that clip,
but I'll be damned if I lose this QuickTime event, dude.
And that has been your Week in Jokes.
And that has been your Week in Jokes. Yeah.
Gryff, would you like to pick a winner?
Fuck, not really.
I wanna give it to Andrew for the helium joke,
but then also for the punch up at the end of your chip.
The whip, oh it's a day.
Hey.
To get our powers combined.
All right, thumbnail.
There we go baby.
We did it. We did it. And with Alright, thumbnail. There we go baby. We did it!
We did it!
And with that, we'll see you next week.
Mwah!
Bye!
Maybe.
Maybe.
Depending on how this all hands goes.
Woo!
Woo!