The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 34
Episode Date: December 22, 2023The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 34 w/ Ian Fidance & Mike Recine Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https:/.../www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs -- LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Feb 16 — Feb 17: Columbus, OH @ Funny Bone Feb 22 — Feb 24: Nashville, TN @ Zanies ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Jan 19 - Jan 20: Tampa, FL @ Side Splitters #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #ianfidance #mikereceine
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Okay, welcome to the Adam Friedleichau podcast.
We've had a hell of a week here at the studio.
We had a technical issue with the DMX controllers and the lights, which held us up two days and
now Nick is debilitatingly sick.
So we're going to do one of those podcast things where we're going to do one hour on the free
feed.
And then if you want to switch over, because this shit is going to be cooking when the
cast, the original Adam Friedle the original out of free literature gets
together
uh... history history gets made
uh... will switch over to the patreon side for the second half hour of this
intense political conversation we have in finance and micro scene here today
in
and uh... is going to be representing more of a conservative side
uh... and uh... conservative but uh... is going to be representing more of a conservative side. And conservative, but a non-racist conservative side.
And then Mike is going to be presenting more of a-
More of a-
Get your eggs progressive, but racist side of things.
Yeah, yes.
OK, I think that that's kind of an interesting divide.
A lot of people want to think of politics as polar.
And I think that you could actually, you could have a wide, diverse array of opinions,
and you don't put people in one of two boxes.
Ian's told me this plenty of times
when it comes to gender issues.
I think that is that correct?
It's not binary.
Correct.
Correct.
So I think for, you know, like just because Mike
is progressive doesn't mean that he can't have some opinions on a couple minority groups.
But then we don't have to share today. And just because you happen to be kind of an alt-right kind of more of like an intellectual dark drive.
No, I think logically and fucking normal. Yes. That doesn't mean that you don't also engage in some high risk
sexual behaviors with...
If there's one thing about me to know,
it's that I go there.
Okay.
So returning once again is the original cast
of the Adam Friedleichau.
I think this happened right at the end of the old
Come Town days.
It was a smash hit and then we had one audio episode
before we got the camera set up,
which was the three of us after we got the studios.
Is that correct?
Yes.
Okay, great.
Great to have you guys here.
I need to start a timer because we have an ad read
coming up, but let the camera begin.
Let's talk.
I want to talk to you about the right before the show started
he had suggested
that michael over here uh...
get a tattoo of his wife's name yes uh...
as a means of what what what would the benefit be for for that
why not how about you how about you describe why not
what tell me why not tell me one concrete reason, why not?
To not get a tattoo and to go one further
and get one with your wife's name, the woman you love.
Yeah.
In old script, American traditional,
that'd be hard as hell, Deb.
That's fucking great.
What's American traditional script?
What is this?
Like this?
Like this?
It's a American tradition.
That looks literally like airbrushed t-shirt
at the mall, like a Mexican team.
Yeah, there's a reason why you see it everywhere
because it's a classic design.
It's been around for hundreds of years.
It'll be around for a hundred more.
Classic, bright, bold, beautiful colors.
Yeah.
It called the 2020 World Brother.
You see it in 20 years and from 20 feet away.
Haven't...
Either of you guys had family members who have died
wearing this.
Yes.
Where there was a t-shirt made for the funeral.
Or is that just...
No, I'm not black.
That's African American thing.
I don't know, I don't see why you couldn't do that.
No, I'm only...
I'm gonna interject that's not a black thing,
that's a poor thing.
Poor people do that, really?
Because I have been to funerals of back in Delaware
of like White Trash.
And there were T-shirts, and we all had
makeshift T-shirts, airbrushed in memory of, you know.
And you still...
It's not like a black thing, or like a race, it's a poor people thing?
It's a poor, so, see Ian,
even though he's a member of the intellectual dark web,
he happens to not be very intelligent,
what he's making is a material that is a Marxist,
materialist analysis that he's making right now.
What is this?
Every time I get insulted,
he's like, come in and get this.
You're getting sprayed.
Ian, okay? okay also our friend
So you don't know him he's he's a recovering he's in recovery and that coming up on nine
I wasn't give it up for eight years. Thanks. Give it up for eight years. Thank you. Hey, I got a year
That's really what I got is just today brother
I used to be addicted to this when I was teaching I missed parent teacher conferences because I stopped by PC Richards.
The real thing.
I brought it back and that's the really blast.
We're all out to the booth.
You brought that with you?
No, I, on the way home.
I went home and was like, I'm just gonna do dust
for a minute.
No, but since we had it,
you bring that with you.
No, no, I found this bunch of stuff in the office.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
I also found a butt plug in the office.
Or no, a douche in the office.
That is for camera lenses to get dust off a camera.
Oh, I bet it is queer.
Is that, do they use that in the queer community?
Don't, from your experience.
Act like you don't know.
Yes, you fill it with water, you shove it up your ass,
you give it a spray and it cleans it out.
Oh, okay.
You're talking about it.
What do you think?
Where'd you get this? It's for cleaning our camera.
We have these vintage camera lenses that we got from,
from actually their French lenses, but we got a few.
You know that this is a new crane.
What?
This is a douche.
So you call it the biz of Freedland.
When you see a douche, you know,
I see a piece of equipment for a small business that I'm running.
So, you know, that's, it might be a- Some people of equipment for a small business that i'm running so you know that's
it might be a people's asses a small business
in that normal and certainly true certainly true
i think last time we did the show together i made in show me his only fans
yes and it was actually a very nice like kind of uh...
kinsy and spectra is very diverse yeah because it was like it was
chicks
and then uh...
it it with the penises and then just fell his jacket off the top.
Shout out Lil Baby Anthony who got a sex change and now they are a sissy pussy.
I no longer subscribe.
I was gonna ask if you were still.
They had the bottom surgery.
This is fucking pussy.
I'm not paying for your pussy.
When a transsexual gets bottom surgery,
do men that are attracted to them,
do they, or are they less attracted?
Like, is it, did they have they gotten rid of?
I can't speak for anyone but myself.
But with yourself personally.
I have gone on dates with women
that have had bottom surgery. Yeah. And dated women that have had
penises. Yeah. But for your like, I like female to male. For what gets you trans women, whether they have a
cock or not, I do not like male for or male to female trans women. Yeah.
Whether they have a penis or a vagina, I prefer the penis and the boobs.
But I have not dated or been interested in female to male because I enjoy femininity and
when you see an old picture of like Paul Newman at a civil rights rally, that's what you're
going to look like in like 40 years.
Yeah. Yeah. He's a you're gonna look like in like 40 years. Yeah, he's
classic. He's a good guy. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for the compliment. You know, he was
in the front row of that James Baldwin William Buckley debate. No. And Buckley got pissed
and he was like, he called him a quayah. He called Baldwin a queer. And then afterwards,
apparently Paul Newman was like,
I'm gonna beat this motherfucker's ad.
I do that. Yeah, cool guy.
I'll fuck off, Hanse.
What were they debating, because it was like the 60s?
The American Negro or something.
You know, it was like that's kind of what about it.
I suppose it was like the, you know, whether it was sucked or it was good for black people in America.
Yeah.
What sucked?
Do you want to watch the Baldwin debate right now?
Yes.
Okay, we can do that.
No.
So, I mean, my only question goes back to what I said before.
Back to the test.
Was like if a girl gets it removed,
does, are you less attracted or it,
has she lost the moneymaker into some extent?
Tattoo? No. No, the penis. No. I like women. Yeah. Whether they have a penis or not. Okay.
I will say if... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah! Woo! Ticks rule! Oh, captain, my captain.
But if they have a, if, I prefer,
here's the hierarchy.
Vintage, OG women.
Next step.
That's your favorite.
Women gal 2.0, woman with a penis.
Down on the list, a super gal,
woman with a man-made vagina, and then men.
So this is kind of your,
Stephen A Smith, the ESPN power rankings.
Sure.
I used to have a bit where I said woman with a penis,
but now when I do that on stage,
I'm like, is that not cool to say that?
It's shit.
Say it, make it funny.
I don't think it's worth, I mean, that's fine, right?
Woman with a penis, yeah, that's fine.
I don't know.
Who does?
Who does?
Say it, be funny about it.
Yeah, you're right.
You're not speaking from a place of,
yeah, you're right.
I wouldn't say it.
You wouldn't.
Yeah, because it's funny.
No, I just don't know what the rules are.
They change all the time.
It doesn't matter about rules that meant to be broken.
Broken?
Yeah.
Breaking the law, breaking the law.
Yeah, yeah.
Isn't it funny Judas Priest?
No one knew he was gay and he was like, he is what we're going to do.
We're all going to win.
Raw for show on nipples.
This is metal.
Yeah.
Have you seen Heavy Metal parking lot, the documentary?
About people that go to metal concerts?
No, they're in a lot at Mary Weather Post-Pavilion in Maryland at a priest in Dawkins show.
And then there are girls.
It's all, of course, mid-Atlantic accents.
And they're like, I love it.
If I was with Rob Halford, I'd jump his bones.
The guys are the girls.
Girls, yeah, they had like no idea.
And then there's a really funny one
where it's a guy making out with his girlfriend.
He's like, she's 14.
Yeah, that's really good.
It's a really, really good.
It's on YouTube if you guys.
We used to be a proper country.
Yeah.
Well, I was actually, I was watching the last Christmas video
of getting the Christmas spirit recently.
And it's so funny that like George Michael,
they like cast a girlfriend for him.
It's just like, people are like, oh, look at that.
That's just a, that's just a average, a pimpe.
Yeah. That's just your average, a, a little bit of a part. We'll look at that. That's just a average pimp. That's just your average...
We'll look it in and see him act and we know he loves pussy.
How did he die?
What happened there?
Did he have AIDS?
No, I don't think so.
I mean, maybe.
Yeah, you're right.
It's funny when sometimes gay guys will die,
but not of AIDS and it's like surprising. Yeah, I felt that way the guy that made Brent
The guy that made rent he didn't die of AIDS. Yeah, but this whole thing was eight. Yeah, it's whole thing was AIDS
But he's not that he's gay. He said he made the AIDS play the AIDS play. Yeah, was he gay? I don't know
Hmm. I think he might not have even been gay. He was just...
You.
Yeah, he's a cool fella.
Yeah, well that was a noise.
He's the guy with the wife and kids.
Honey, what are you working on upstairs?
That was a noise for me.
He fantasized.
I mean, the right thing to play.
He's working on his musical.
When my mom...
What's your play about?
He's like, it's about dinosaurs.
It's got a lot of his family.
When my mom passed, it was three months into COVID.
And I had the thought almost immediately
where I'm like, it's annoying
that people are gonna think it's COVID.
That she's a coward.
That she died of the...
Is a fake death.
Yeah, like she was, like, you know, she was copying.
You know, she was doing the popular thing.
Yeah.
No, it was a brave brain cancer.
And then they had to take the, they had to take the, you know, all the glory.
All these old people.
Did they count it as a COVID death?
No.
Does that happen to want?
It did.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Yeah. Pat it the numbers.
Did they? Do your research. Where'd you get that? Where was that from? Where'd you learn?
Yeah. To cop, com. So, no, it was multiple.
Gorgasem.com. Gorgasem, did you ever hear that word from E-Fuck?
I got it from E-Fuck.
Dude, E-Fuck brought so many friendship together.
I remember, is that where they had like a,
what's the, it was like fucked up porn,
but the edits were unreal.
Like do you remember the girl,
you remember Rocco when he fucks that girl on the ass,
and then he makes her like blow him and ready.
He had on his dick and he's like, and she's like, no, he asks, and then he makes her blow him and ready. He don't want his dick, and he's like,
and she's like, no, he goes, come on,
he's still only dismails.
That was a key reason.
He truly was a man of passion.
Like, Rocco's the Freddy, the male porn star.
You know, there's a documentary on you.
I have to see it.
It was wrong with you.
Yeah, I don't know.
You're not a man.
You're not like proud of him.
Because my dad never taught me.
I mean, it was just like, I never learned about it.
There's a documentary about him.
Yeah.
And the way he talks about fucking is just like, as if like,
it's like one of those like, like, chef's table,
like Netflix documentary.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, like the passion he has for fucking.
Have you seen in the beginning, he's in the shower,
it's black and white, the water's going slow,
and he goes, I knew from an early age,
I had to devolute between my legs.
Yeah.
And he talks about how that old lady,
that old lady sucked his dick when he was a little kid.
That's right.
What is that story?
It went nowhere.
He's like a man who was crying.
I was hard.
And it was like his grandma or his grandma's friend.
And there was a guy that I sucked my deep.
There was a guy that I worked with.
He was like, we were talking one time and he goes,
yeah, I got my dick sucked when I was five.
And it's, but his baby sitter sucked his dick.
I'm like, you know, so many of my friends were molested
and they pulled it off.
It's like a brag that like, yeah, I got,
I fucked when I was 11, the baby sitter.
I'm like, Derek, you were molested.
But isn't worth it telling them, right?
No, I don't think so.
Right, if they think that they were a pimp.
Yeah.
And they don't live with like the shame.
The shame, and like that they have to be in therapy
about it if they're like, it was awesome.
Yeah, you know?
Yeah, but that can lead to very wild behaviors as an adult and so like
Let's say you're doing how they act it would be nice to connect the dots, but maybe that's why you grab women on the street
Okay, so yes, but in that case then there's some repressed whatever yada yada
But let's just say you're just your average Joe and you got your dick-sected eight.
Yeah.
By 17-year-old Kyle in the bathroom still.
I mean, in my family, the family legend is my grandfather was very poor.
And so his family had to take borders into their home, like to rent our rooms.
And what I was told, I don't know if it's true, but when he was 12, he fucked a 22 year old secretary.
Okay.
And everyone's like, grandpa's,
yeah, cool.
I don't think he was, I don't think he was brabbing
in the streets.
Well, there's a different time.
I would have loved to have sex with me,
like my English teacher or, you know,
the lady that worked at the doctor's office.
I don't think that it was broken out there.
No, I'm mistaken.
I don't think it would have broken me.
And that's no, like, I'm not diminishing sex crime.
But like, yeah.
Is it right to tell someone like,
no, you were actually your damage.
You've been damaged ever since.
Yeah.
I think that that's probably not a nice thing.
Or a workplace.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
If they're making funny you for something, and then, they're then yeah, that's a good comeback to say that they were rich
Yeah, okay, so I don't think it I don't think that's the
It was a good snapback
And by the way, yes, no that I don't think that's very nice. And, you know, it's tricky territory
speculating on that.
Sure.
But I always thought it was cool, my grandfather.
Yeah.
Yeah, why not?
My good.
What's cool back then can stand alone as cool
and be something that, like, you don't have to condemn,
but you can be like,
we're not gonna do that now.
You know.
Yeah, of course, the society changes,
and the rules change.
That's why I wouldn't say,
lady with penis,
because I don't know what the rule is.
Right, you know?
But also, it's like,
if you're coming from a good place,
then what would you call her?
It feels a little dated to say the lady with a penis.
So what would you call her?
A woman.
But a woman.
She's a woman.
If she wants to be a woman, you know, why do you have to say with a penis?
Because that adds content.
But it does also sound disrespectful.
Exactly.
Why is it disrespectful?
Not disrespectful.
Not disrespectful.
To be honest about what someone is.
Well, you just don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
Certainly never.
But what's your joke about them then?
Maybe she doesn't want the people.
That's the thing.
It's like, what's your joke?
What's the joke?
What's the joke?
Good question.
Okay, guys, we're going to get back to that joke shortly.
That's time for going off.
That little Adam's little offensive time.
Totally.
We might be in trouble.
Love them then.
Well, Turkey may be great on sandwiches,
but there's a better way to break bad habits.
Ian, you know a lot about breaking bad habits.
Yes.
And that's the, guys, it's the hardest thing
in the world to change.
I mean, it really is fume.
What's fucking sex?
No, no, no, no, you're not gonna say that
in the middle of a read, okay?
What's smoking?
Yeah.
It's not good.
No, no, it's not that either.
Here's what you do.
It's not that either.
Okay, listen, we're not talking about some weird mind food,
dude, from your crazy neighbor, Ian.
Okay, now your smoking cigarette.
Yeah, you want one?
Okay, just leave it on me.
Oh my God.
Adam, can you put the air to your throat?
I did fume for a minute.
It works.
Okay, Adam, we're gonna give them a clean read.
No, we're not.
This is what they want.
Here, argue for what is Mike.
Cut his mic.
Cut his mic.
Do me a favor.
Hold Turkey made me grade on sandwiches.
Cut my mic again.
For the read.
For the read.
Hold Turkey made me, oh I did a funny one for Mike.
Give me the gun.
Let me keep smoking.
I didn't tell you to stop.
Give me the gun.
Let him do his thing.
Give me the gun.
Let him suck your dick.
No, let him do his bit.
Do the bit.
That's it.
We did that joke on Compton's phone.
Okay.
I'm sorry. I don't know the
cannon of come to no just do it do
this uh I'll do it to this oh no no
Adam your mic you're mic I'll do it
here yeah do it all right no shut up
okay okay can we get to a moment
like let's get a couple of beats
before take that him ass hey Okay, can we get to a momentous, like let's get a couple of beats before
Take that, Hamas.
Hey Hamas. Hey Hamas.
Hey Hamas.
That's funny, right?
It's a Jew at war.
It's a Jew.
It's an Israeli at war.
Cold Turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break your bad habits.
We're not talking about some weird,
look at that, okay.
We're let's do a clean one again, from the gun,
from the gun.
From the gun.
Cold turkey may be great on,
put the cigarette out and use few motherfuckers.
Okay, cold turkey may be great on sandwiches,
but the pedal smoking or your wife
will keep having miscarriage.
This has nothing to do with smoking, okay?
You cannot say that in the read.
But that's the reason why do you use fume?
You wanna dump in your wife and have a kiss?
You don't say the word,
s***ing, s***ing, s***ing, s***ing, s***ing, s***ing, s***ing,
okay?
And I need to take that out of the episode, actually.
Adam, all right?
It didn't be doing this.
It's bad, I wish I had a reason to not do this.
Yeah.
Right?
Just give me, just give me 60 seconds.
And we'll get back to the show.
What would there be a world in which I could one day quit doing this?
Adam.
We're not talking about s***s.
Okay.
We're talking about breaking bad habits.
Okay.
All right. Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, Okay, we're talking about breaking bad habits, okay?
All right.
Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches,
but there are, I don't like cold turkey on sandwiches.
I do, you ever have a bobby?
Uh-huh.
You ever have a fucking bobby from,
No, that's good.
Yeah.
Capriottis and Delaware.
I love Capriottis.
The Capastronme.
Oh, dude.
To mate the safety on this doesn't work though
You know that you know that it's really gone downhill those wah wah hot turkey sandwiches. They suck now
They used to be really really good and now they're trash
They've dipped in quality a lot
Sorry, oh you're doing your ad.
He's doing his hour.
Apologies.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Cold turkey may be great on sandwiches, but there's a better way to break your bad habits.
We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo from your crazy neighbor, like Kramer from
Seinfeld.
Oh, that's good.
If I was Kramer from Seinfeldeld it'd go a little something like this
I don't think the advertisers are gonna like that
Come on Adam. How does my you know if Kramer had a gun that night it would that would have gone down
What how would that have gone it would have gone down. It would have gone up before me. How would that have gone? It would have gone like this. I'm trying to do my Adam.
I heard that that was like his act though.
Like he would go into the crowd.
He was trying to do a thing about like where, yeah.
Where are you going?
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam.
Get the gun, get the gun.
You don't need me.
You don't need me. You're not mad at me though, right? I was just, no, I, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, get the gun, get the gun. You don't need me? Adam, you don't need me.
You're not mad at me though, right?
I was just, no, I'm not mad at you.
It's Ian's fault.
What the fuck am I doing?
What are you lighting on fire?
It's incense.
All right, whatever, let's continue.
Why don't you get a tattoo?
I guess I can get one.
I can take you to my guy, R&D tattoo,
a ridgward, you gotta go a rich fire, Daniel Strauss, Dave Narrow, I can take you to my guy, R&D tattoo, Ridgewood.
You gotta go a Rich Fie, Daniel Strauss, Dave Neatletons.
Oh, look who's back.
Back again.
Her brother's for us, because we're allowed to have it.
Oh nice.
Dude, get fucking ripped.
That would be so fun.
You go to meeting evil times.
If you can't fucking see the odds.
Okay, guys, cold turkey may be great on sandwiches,
but there are better ways to break bad habits.
We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo
from your crazy neighbor like Kramer,
from I was gonna say South Park, I don't know why.
Who wrote this?
Did some fucking...
James Joyce wrote it.
Okay, we're talking about our sponsor FUME.
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You get it.
Instead of delicious flavors like ass, you know, for you.
That's easy.
It's just only enough I don't like man-ass.
That's Ian's.
Oh yeah, or cum.
Huh.
Oh, crazy.
What?
I can make a woman cum.
Uh-huh.
OG 2.0.
Uh-huh.
No problem.
Guys cannot make them cum to save my life.
I could go.
I could go.
I could go.
I could go.
Do you not believe that? Bro, I swear to God, do you know how useless you feel?
Just sucking on a ding dong.
It ain't happening.
It sucks.
You're like, this should be the easiest thing in the world.
Why are you not, jizzing de Mariquis?
That's his name.
Guy, three of you.
The first time I used to go.
The first time I used to go.
Are you still doing this?
Yes.
All right, we'll finish it up.
We're trying to talk about sucking dick over here.
We're getting to the bottom of things.
All right, do your reads.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Go, go.
The first time I used to view,
it was more flavorful than I thought it would be.
And it felt so fresh.
Think of a refreshing herbal tea,
but it's vapor, we use the word vapor, not vapor,
was compared to sticky soda.
Fume flavors would compare to herbal tea.
Not as sweet, but a lot more natural.
How?
I love how you're ruining the ad read,
and then you read it like it's a suicide note.
I know.
I know.
Is this the show, guys?
Here, I'll do it like one of your famous guests.
Can I be reading?
Yeah, there's your new,
the fumes, the one that saves it.
Who's that, Steve?
Steve, that was a lot of famous guests.
See you later.
Here, I'll read it as Norman Finkelstein.
Guys, guys, do you want to stop? The product? Here, I'll read it as Norman Finkel's guys guys Do you want to start?
You're already like I was a terrible or of K terrible Finkel see them. Oh
Okay guys, I'll really like I'm on the sixth straight. It's
Who's that supposed to be?
Come on man. it's a joke time.
It's well-weighted, perfectly balanced,
and extremely fun to fidget with,
like a fidget spinner.
It's made out of real wood, and it's so beautiful.
And you feel cool using it.
So guys, let's start the holidays off right
with the Good Habit by going to try
fume.com.tafs
and getting the journey pack today.
Fume is giving listeners of this show 10% off when they use my code Tafs to help make
starting the Good Habit that much easier.
Start the Good Habit at tryfume.com slashF-S to save 10% off the journey pack today.
And we're back to the show. So guys, how's it going?
So guys, so we were talking about eating snacks, okay?
We were talking about they're not advertising them, but it was okay, not to add.
Get the wrap on it. You guys are rich.
No, the show is failing legitimately.
Really?
We're probably gonna be out of money
in like a couple of months.
Is that where you're not paying us today?
You're not.
Maybe mine.
What likeable?
Hey, I'm sending it in voice as soon as I get out of here.
I already sent it.
You did.
Oh, is that bad?
What are you drinking?
Just calling Nick like,
Hey, you want to get lunch?
I'm really hungry.
You go to chow.
I have, so it's a holiday time.
So I have a little bit of,
Kasame goes to Kila.
This is of course George Clooney's to Kila.
You want some meat?
You've got to get, you want to smell it?
Take it, no.
So you're like a big, you're a big fan of Clooney. Obviously he has a house in Italy. I'm like Cuomo. You want some meat? You fat. You want to smell it? Take it. No.
So you're like a big fan of Clooney obviously.
He has a house in Italy, like Cuomo.
Yeah.
Like, I've always thought that you kind of had a lot of, in your personal style, like a George
Clooney estate.
Take it to the face.
Do people say that to you?
Twisted from the bottle again.
I'll sleep till I'm dead.
What is that? Warren Z.
I thought it was motor oil and bomb agent.
Not a trigger from the bottle.
From the bottle?
Yes.
Yeah, but I broke.
I don't like it.
I don't get Adam's sick.
Are you sick?
No.
Well, there you go.
I don't want to.
Ian, have you ever shazamed your own fart and found your favorite you too song?
That's a good joke. Yeah, I was just thinking
So guys, what else is going on?
So you have a growing family now?
You have one son?
How old is he now?
He's two and a half.
Have you given any thoughts to what sports
you'll be putting it in?
He seems to like all of them.
All of them.
Yeah.
And he likes going to medieval times.
But let's be honest here, look at your size.
How big are Deb's brothers?
She doesn't have any biological brothers.
Thank God.
She's got a sister.
She's got a sister.
She has a sister.
Yeah.
Who's what?
64280?
Yeah, 600 pounds.
Yeah, 600 pounds.
Shut up, really?
No, no, no, no.
What about the men in her family?
What kind of stock are we talking about?
Her dad is old. Her dad's like 75 years old. Okay,. Her dad is old.
Her dad's like 75 years old.
Okay, so his body is old.
Yeah.
So you think Benjamin's gonna have an old body.
Yeah, what kind of answer was that?
You want to like, like, get a style.
I don't know.
I don't, I should find out.
Cause I don't know.
I have a lot of friends that have young families.
There were just a bit of a baby boom around COVID.
Around the time Ben was born. And like some of my friends are like, yeah, we're going to NBA. I'm like, we're Jewish. Like, there's no way. You have to be realistic about what sport you put them in.
And then you have to psychologically manipulate him
and destroy him from within.
Kind of like Earl Woods.
Like, yeah, I was talking Woods day.
I was talking about this recently with Jamal.
But what is, yeah.
Is he having a kid?
Does he have a kid?
Tiger?
No, Jamal.
No, no, no.
But I'm saying, we were talking about what we want for our sons.
And I'm like, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I was talking about this recently with Jamel. But what is, yeah. Is he having a kid? Does he have a kid? Tiger?
No Jamel.
No, no, but I'm saying we were talking about what we want
for our sons.
And I'm like, my boy's not going to NFL.
He's not going on Sundays.
You think you're going to have a kid?
Absolutely.
A son.
And he's not going to be trans.
No.
Good luck with that, pal.
That's the best Adam's going to do. It'll be like, you know, in like kids, you can tell kids are gay.
Oh, no.
You can tell Adam's parents are gay.
You're kidd with dominant women's sports.
They'll start grabbing scissors and just putting it towards his crotch.
No, no, no.
We got to keep the scissors away from Adam's son.
Stopping their show.
Or push the trash away.
You can punch a paper.
We're saying you're gay. They from Adam's son, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, or books, books, or books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, books, or books, or books, books, or books, books, books, or books, or books, or books, or books, books, or books, books but sometimes I think would my life be easier? I did. For your career. Put on my grandmother's jewelry as a kid.
You did?
And that was fun.
My hands were like a girl.
Yeah, and that was fun.
Yeah.
To my parents' address, my dad would dress as a woman
and my mom would dress as a man for Halloween.
Yeah.
And I think that may have done something.
No, but like once a year.
That's like a kind of a verse Freud, right?
So technically, when I was a little boy, and was a little boy and I'd be whiny and I could grow up.
That's a like a girl called me.
Eonetta.
Because I was being a girl.
Really?
Do you, and he dressed you, they dressed you as a girl?
Yeah.
You know, a general don't just play with barbies.
He dressed as a girl until he was like 14.
It does.
Why?
Because he was very close with mother.
Wait, who?
That's awesome.
What do you say?
MacArthur.
MacArthur's mother dressed in women.
Who's MacArthur?
But if you're gonna have a key,
MacArthur on it, the mannered,
like a World War II general.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, and the Korean War, they're in the Korean War.
Yeah.
All right, well thank you.
I didn't know if he was another one of your little friends.
He was a right wing kind of a cultural icon for a while because he wanted to keep fighting
well into North Korea and Eisenhower told him to turn it back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, but going back to the sports thing, like, listen, if you won a champion,
like you have to, I was telling Jamel this recently,
but like, Agassi's father was a degenerate Persian gambler.
And he would say,
He ended up doing meth.
And wearing a wig.
Yeah.
But his dad would say, and I know I said this
on a recent episode, but his dad would say,
he'd make him, as an 11 year old play like an adult man, and he'd say, like, if you fucking lose, our family loses the house.
Okay.
You know, so we, that is, and that's how you make a champion, I think.
I'm just not good at sports, though, so I wouldn't know anything.
Yeah, but you can, you can, like, maybe for like podcasters.
Make your kid good at school.
Don't make them go into podcasters.
Yeah.
No, I know.
But sometimes I feel like I could maybe train him to be like the greatest
podcaster, because I could correct all my mistakes that I made.
What were those?
Let's get it.
What were they?
Yeah, just over the course of the past career.
You could have sent October 7th.
What are you saying?
You could have sucked up to your...
Yeah, you're right.
All right, I'm going to make a a time machine go back to October 7th.
No, no, it's not a tweet. Go Israel.
Well, first of all, we have a policy on the show.
It's a wait and see on that war.
Yeah, right.
Whoever wins, you know, that's what a natural survive.
You know, who's gonna win.
Who's the people with the will to win.
That's right, you know. That's right.
And I know where the will to win.
Who said that from?
Who's both that is?
Joe Paterno.
Who's really.
Yeah.
Wait, but he also said, I don't think that's happening.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't think he's more.
He also said, I asked him when recently,
I was like, how good of a defensive mind was San Dusky.
And they were like the best. They were like he
was incredible. He got Penn State, like Penn State, he put the program on the map.
Wow. Yeah, Joe Bond. I feel the way about R Kelly too. I listen to some of those songs
and I'm like this is this guy is such an orange. I was thinking this the other day, and like, can you beep the name that I'm about to use?
Yeah.
I was at an event, and I was drunk,
and sh**, I really mad at me for saying this,
but I forgot who I was talking to,
but I asked, I was like, do you think there's a path
back into society for artelle? You have.
But I forgot that he, right, right, right.
He's like, yeah.
That he caught a little.
He said, let me know what it is.
I forgot that he caught a little flack for that.
He caught a little flack.
But I was like, I just thought that he liked Archelle.
So I was like, you think because of like,
oh, because of his first album.
Do you think the MacArthur Genius Grant could be like,
because of Arkelli's tremendous genius,
we have to reintegrate him back into Sassai.
And he was like, no!
All right.
That's being it.
The clow!
The clow!
Dude, I had to...
And it's just, what the fuck were you just saying?
Yeah, you got really bad. That's hilarious. I was at the seller and I had hurt my What the fuck were you just saying? Yeah, you got really bad at it.
That's hilarious. I was at the seller and I had heard my ankle months and months ago, I was on the cane.
I heard my back recently, I was going back on it and I was like, what happened?
I go, I was involved in a terrible dick sucking accident.
You should see the other guy.
And he didn't laugh. Not at all. That's funny, you could not.
Not at all.
Yeah. What? I made a joke like that around his pomegranate one time. he didn't laugh. Not at all. That's funny, you can not. Not at all. Yeah.
What?
I made a joke like that around his
son Monage one time.
He didn't laugh.
Oh, dude.
What?
I, I entered his son Monage on stage the other night.
I go, ladies and gentlemen, I'm so excited to bring this next comment to the stage.
I, he was just featured in a great article in the New Yorker.
That's funny.
Give it up for his son Monage.
That's funny.
Did he get upset? No, he probably laughed about it. He was non-plus. He was up for a song, Minache. Last but not least, did he get a set?
No, he probably laughed about it.
He was non-plus.
He was probably like, he probably didn't like.
No, he didn't like.
But I do really like that the record or the starships,
the the the song Minache song.
Starships, the vintage kind of.
That's funny.
What are you talking about? Nicki Minache. Oh, that's Nicki Minache. That's what you're talking about. What are you talking about?
Nicki Minaj.
Oh, that's Nicki Minaj.
Wait, so that all the new girl's voice is on.
Nicki Minaj.
Oh my God.
This changes everything.
I was it.
Yeah, my kid got anthrax on his head.
A and T a
This changes everything
Yeah, I was at a bar two nights ago and I was a two rats and one of them is one of them is like what event were you at with
Dishapel oh, yeah, I bricked heavy that night. Yeah, what all me the next that mean like
Yeah, I bricked heavy that night. What the fuck called me the next?
What the fuck called me the next?
Like, if he's
it's he's he's he's he's he's he's like
every time no one cares who you are
every time he's like your breath stinks
you're freaking everyone out.
I yeah I was a yeah you just put up with that.
I mean he was right every time I talk to someone
they were like what the fuck is this guy saying?
I, he's like, you bullied Travis Scott?
What?
Yeah, I bullied Travis Scott.
Why?
Were you like, oh, the buffets open, don't make me stand bein'
all right?
I'll tell this story.
I'll tell this story, okay.
Tell it.
So I went, let's key key.
So I was like, sh** did the show and then I was like backstage,
I was walking down the hall and who walks out in one of the dressy rooms,
none other than Jalille White's Stephen Irkall walks out.
And guess what?
No, he's dressed.
I just said that to him.
Wag is f**k and he had four hose on him.
Good for him. And I'm like, he's actually Stefan. just said that to him. Wag is fuck, and he had four hose on him. Good for him.
And I'm like, he's actually Stefan.
I was like, wow.
Burkel.
This is like, this is incredible.
For, to be honest, like, my stomach dropped.
Like, I've got, who's Steve Irkall?
Shut the fuck up.
Was he on like a, you never saw family matters?
What kind of show is it?
Carl Winslow, it was like the best, dude, TGIF Friday night.
Are you kidding me?
ABC was full house step-by-step family matters.
What was the fourth show?
See, I was allowed to watch step-by-step,
but I wasn't allowed to watch whatever was on before.
Yeah, because it was a black family.
You were allowed to listen to Eminem too, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't allowed to listen to rap because it made a black family. You were allowed to listen to Eminem too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wasn't allowed to listen to rap
because it made me too hyper
because I listened to MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice
and just run up into all my stairs.
The entire time screaming,
really.
It made me too like,
really?
I'm gonna recover a lot of trauma today.
I got mad at my mother.
Your mother and I played that limp-biscuit song that,
it's a fucked-up world, fucked up place.
And then she took away my stereo.
I got in trouble trying to buy,
but that's still a great album.
Chocolates starfish.
Limp biscuits starfish.
Starfish.
Well, that is.
Huh?
It's about, that's a butthole.
Chocolate starfish.
Butthole.
And hot dog flavor water.
What's hot dog flavor water?
That's what he and takes a little,
he has like a little nap.
No, he has like a champagne flute.
It runs out of the,
he carries around a big thermos.
It runs out of his lover's,
the hot dog flavored water.
It runs out of his lover's bum.
And he's like, he's like,
oh, what has this been to?
One of those big dogs that white women carry around.
Oh, this is a hydrate.
I'm getting notes of the Bronx.
This is a Bronx 1997.
No, I was made from sideways with hot dog water.
Yeah.
It's a 1990 ship.
I can't do it.
Anyway, so I think it's going to hurt her.
You were telling a boy to go ahead.
Sorry. That didn't think it was boring. No, I go ahead. Yeah, sorry.
I didn't think it was boring.
No, I'm excited.
No, no, no.
He did an obvious bit and it took you fucking five minutes to understand that he wasn't
allowed to watch the black show.
And then it's good.
Yeah, of course.
Fucking idiot.
I thought it was a professional comedian.
You're fucking professional.
I thought you were the loudest.
This is what I was saying at the bar.
I wasn't allowed to watch it.
I just, you didn't know Erkel.
No, I know.
Oh, okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. You're fucking perfect. I thought you were the loudest guy. This is what I was saying at the bar. I was not allowed to watch it.
I just, you didn't know Erkel.
No, I know.
Oh, okay.
My cover.
Sorry.
You were obviously doing a bit.
You couldn't, oh, sorry.
I believe my concept of a joke was so foreign to you that like,
and this is what I was saying at the bar the other night,
just to cut away again from the Steve Erkel story.
You're a bad listener.
I said, I said to my friend, I was like an obvious bit, right?
Yeah.
The friend, I was saying it to,
was a friend who knows how to riff and make jokes.
And I was like, and then the third friend
is one of the biggest idiots we know.
And so I said,
I was like, do you ever hear that thing
about that movie Memento?
And he's like, what?
I was like, the whole time is going backwards, right?
And my friend, and then Steven,
who used to edit the show, was like, that fucking changes everything.
He didn't know me mentally.
No, no, no, he's like doing, he's like riffing back. He's like that. He didn't understand
it. And then our third friend is like, you work and film, man. I cannot believe it.
And he got so like, it became me trying to do a bit at him and then him, like clearly
the mark was the third person.
And it took forever and that's how he
interacted about the show family matter.
Anyway, yeah, but that's like when your friend that does
do comedy thinks a joke is lying.
You know that friend where they're like they're like like I was
with my buddy from like grade school we're driving he goes he's
showing me around San Francisco and he's showing the
different stuff.
No, I'm here's the thing.
I'm gullible.
And he goes he goes that's that's the site of the first trader Joe's ever and I go
really and he goes no you idiot I'm joking and I'm like that's not a joke that's a lie
yeah.
Like what's a joke that I trust my life on what I'm doing?
No he was doing a joke that his family allowed him to watch step by step by step, but not family.
I didn't pick up on it.
I'm still the divorced family.
I didn't.
I'm sending a sending divorce family.
I didn't pick up on it.
And that is my bad.
Sorry.
Imagine like, I'll get the next one.
Seeing Steve Erkle and being like, I just don't like these jazz men.
Like, right.
This hip hop style jazz.
Dude, I dressed up as Steve Erkle,
me and my best friend wrote a sketch for our talent show,
1992 IHM I was Erkle.
He was Carl Winslow.
Lou the Roof of.
Really?
Did you do that?
Didn't even cross our mind.
Really?
Where'd it go?
Yeah.
Yeah, nice.
What, blackface?
Yeah.
But then in college, me and my friend dressed
as Serena and Venus Williams, and we. It penises off for Halloween.
So I get really like star-stroke and nervous. The last time I felt that way was when I saw dice
at the stand five years ago.
And I was just like, oh my god, it's him.
But he's also got like hot chicks with him.
And I was like, wow, this is so, he is Stefan.
I was like, this is amazing. And then I sat in my girlfriend, I was like, wow, this is so, he is Stefan. I was like, he's amazing.
And then I sat in my girlfriend and I was like,
I can't believe it's him.
I said, Matt McCusker was there,
and I was like, just see that, he's like,
is that fucking Ripple?
And we were all freaking out.
And then finally I was like, I just shook his hand.
I was like, Mr. White, I almost had Ripple.
I was like, it is an honor.
Like I'm a massive fan. And I took a Erkall. I was like, it is an honor. Like I'm a massive fan.
And like I took a picture with him
and he's like, he's like doing this.
And so then I like keep walking.
And I walk in this dressing room
and Travis Scott is there
and I'm still like buzzing off of a,
do you tell me Matt Erkall?
And then I just walked up to him.
I was like, yeah, and she pelled his son,
I guess, likes the show.
So he's like, you want to meet him? And I was like, I guess, okay. And then him and I was like, yeah, and she pelled his son, I guess, likes the show. So he's like, you wanna meet him?
And I was like, I guess, okay.
And then, so I was like, yeah, I was like,
bro, you see fucking naraclos here?
I was like, no, to Travis Scott.
Oh, that's great.
I shook his hand and I was like, bro,
you see fucking naraclos here?
He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what's up,
that's what's up.
And I was like, I can't believe it, dude.
And he had girls on him.
I was like, he really is, Stefan. That's great. And I was like, do you like that show? He was like, yeah can't believe it, dude. And he had girls on him. I was like, he really is, Stefan.
That's great.
And I was like, do you like that show?
He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, do you think he ever got
pussy off a lura on that show?
That's, and he was like, and he was like,
looks at me like this.
I'm like, when you got on there,
he's gonna pussy nowadays.
No, no, wasn't that, no.
He's just like, I feel like if you were like,
just meeting someone and goofing,
you're right. That's like normal. Yeah, that's a fun thing. You should decide to go, no, he just like, I feel like if you were like just meeting someone and goofing, that's like normal.
Yeah, that's a fun thing.
You should have said to him,
Hey, when you were responsible for all those people dying,
you know, you should have said,
Did I do that?
That would've been funny.
That would've been funny.
Wait, but,
Yeah, but then you wish you had a time machine, buddy.
Yeah, but then Shane,
That would've been perfect.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It walks in a season, you would have been perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And walks in the season, you see like Travis Scott like this.
And maybe like, do you think he got pussy over her?
And he's like screaming, and he like looks at me.
And he's like, Adam, what are you doing?
Yeah.
He's like, why are you bullying Travis Scott right now?
Yeah.
And I was like, it's a normal question.
It's a normal question.
And he's like, oh, on the show, on the show.
I was like, yeah, that was my fucking question dude.
Yeah. I'm going to Colin, that was my fucking question, dude. Yeah.
I'm going to Colin and Scarlett's Christmas party tonight.
But when I opened for him at the beak and she was there,
and right before the show, I went to 7-Eleven,
like got a bunch of snacks, and I was like, Scarlett,
I got some snacks if you want them.
That's nice.
Yeah, and she was like, oh yeah,
let me get some of that warm cheese that you have.
Is she said, did she say that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was like, making fun of me. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's great. warm cheese that you have. Is she said, did you say that? Yeah, yeah. She was like, make a fun of me.
Oh yeah, that's great.
Off the phone, you're doing a show.
No, no, I had an important text, but it's fun.
Oh, I bet.
It really is fun.
When you're gonna lay pipe with me, Adam.
Look at that.
That was nice.
Adam, I need you.
Adam.
When you get a jam meal.
That'd be funny if that's how she actually talked. Adam, I need to get you.
Adam, I need you, Kong.
She's always like Adam Sandler's mom.
They're all gonna laugh at you.
Yeah, so how's that going though?
Good.
With my girlfriend?
It's great. I mean, it's how with my girlfriend? Yeah, it's great. I mean it's how you grow good
All it's great. You know she doesn't talk to the feds. Yeah, you know, she's I didn't know she was Italian
No, she's a quarter Italian her last name is Italian. Okay. What is it tell the camera? What?
Faggot the chill. Yeah
Floppipulse
The crap the the crap's, my pants, the studio.
No, it's going very well, very nice.
Deus the charge.
I got her, I got her a very nice Christmas gift.
She bet.
What'd you get her?
She'll respect me for it.
Oh, speaking of Christmas gifts, why don't you tell Adam
what you got Deb?
What do you mean?
That picture, you said be the other day.
What's it, you're dick? Do you, should I? What'd you mean? That picture, you said be the other day. What's your dick? Do you want, should I?
What'd you get?
I don't think she's gonna hear this, but I forget where I was,
but I was fucking dying, dude.
Really?
Yeah, it was great.
Well, she told me that for Christmas,
she wanted a black waterproof backpack.
So I was at the airport in Des Moines on Sunday and I saw the backpack, the exact
backpack that she wanted and I shoplifted it. It's the airport. Yeah. Yeah, you should.
Yeah. It's not shoplifting because you sell. I stole. I stole it. You robbed the
purchase difference. Yeah, I stole it. Shoplifting is taking from a shop Adam Well, he's a shop from a per day. It was a shop. Oh, I thought it was someone
What are you insane? I haven't said I thought you saw the bag
You thought I took just dumping out like tampons and like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm nice, but you went and like 200 bucks on stockings. Well, you know what?
Like a Lufa like gum.
Gum?
Yeah, pair of scissors.
That's nice.
Yeah.
No.
Stockings are for little things.
Yeah, but you got to fill them with stuff and you end up like
going to a lot more.
Little useful things.
Yeah.
No, no, you have to do skin care shit for your wife.
No.
In the stocking.
Yeah. But that's so expensive. Asking me. Yeah, but also at the same time, they have to do skin care shit for your wife. In the stocking? Yeah. But that's so expensive.
Asking me to sell stuff.
Yeah, but also at the same time,
they get so much skin care, they need other stuff too.
No, no, no, no, no.
But if it's a little bit of girl, if it's girl,
I got a girl.
I got a girl in wipes.
You got a girl in your pocket to clean her clothes.
Yeah, you can use these too.
They say dude wipes on them.
You can always use them on your hands. Dude, you can use these too. They say dude wipes on them. You can always invite him.
You can use that.
Dude, that wipes, come on.
I went around today, listen to this.
This is bringing it back to last time.
I went around today and got my yearly candy
to give all my little shops in my neighborhood.
And I'm dressing as Santa Claus,
and I'm gonna give them out.
They're chucking cheese, but...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because me and Jordan did our Christmas episode,
she was a Grinch, I was Santa.
So I have the Santa outfit,
so I'm gonna get some jingle bells,
I'm gonna go around and give them to everyone.
I'm going to my tattoo shop,
I'm going on all the little places, I'm so excited.
That's nice, I don't know if I can do it.
Where you going?
Where you going? Huh?
Where are you going?
What stores?
Baby Blues, Winson.
You do have some kids in your life that would love a present.
I do.
My best friend has kids, but what are you laughing at?
You've never been.
Yeah.
Oh.
I am.
Today.
Alright, so let's talk Christmas memories, okay?
Oh my god.
Yeah.
So I'm new to Christmas, right?
So I've been only been doing it for four years.
Right.
And I've been loving it the most.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is the best.
Yeah.
I'm new to Hanukkah.
I'm Jewish.
Oh, okay.
I found out from 23 of me, Ashkenazi. So last year I lit a menor at my mom's house.
Wait, how much?
Set the kitchen table.
How much?
Ashkenazi.
Like 12 to 14%.
From your mom's side.
Mm-hmm.
It was, where's your Jewish?
The North.
Northern Italian, Balkan, Ashkenazi.
Wait, wait, but what about,
where does your mom, what about on your mom's size
from her mother?
Yes.
And where did they come from on your grandmother's side?
From her mother?
What?
From your grandmother's?
Yes, from my grandmother's mother, your Judaism.
You're literally Jewish.
And then if you know you're Jewish,
it was, I know, I'm celebrating it now.
No, you're saying Jewish.
Yes.
No, it's not about Hanukkah,
but you're actually, no, it's bad.
Ashkeno is bad.
No, it's bad.
No, it's good.
No, Ian, when the Holocaust starts again,
you're going to the camps.
Yeah, and I'll be the fucking bear Jew.
I'm fighting my way out to save you, but you.
The bear Jew?
No, I think more of an order than the bear.
I'll be the twig.
I think you're more of a, I will suck our
with you.
I think you're more of a friend.
I'm talking to you.
I'm just a little alliance with the Arab,
so they're gonna let me.
I'm gonna be sad.
I think if it comes down to it,
I'll do it.
It might, it might, it might, it might go sick.
It might go the other way.
No, it's not gonna go shot in a row.
It's gonna be easy to get shot.
It's not gonna go shot in a row.
It's not gonna go shot in a row.
It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go shot in a row. It's not gonna go style in the world. You'll take when you get out. 23, either. Wait, so you're just Jewish. That's why you suck.
Why?
I don't suck.
That's nice.
It actually feels good.
Huff it.
Do a huff.
No, I'm not in a huff.
10 seconds.
Don't enable.
This is what sober people do.
They all like enable.
They're like, call the guy.
Get it back.
You should, dude, if you guys get Coke right now,
it'd be so cool.
No, we're not gonna do Coke right now. We would die. No, you wouldn't. right now. I'd be so cool. No, we're not going to do coke right now.
We would die.
No, you wouldn't.
It's all got fent on it.
Get it from someone you trust.
Actually, that's a bit.
That's joke.
I don't like people doing that around me
because I'm scared something's going to happen.
Yeah, it's not fun.
It's scary.
Beyond that, people are just, you act annoying.
Yeah.
You might kiss a girl on the lips. Beyond that, people are just, you act annoying. Yeah. Yeah.
You might kiss a girl on the lips. That's how people look on the page.
I went to a holiday party this weekend.
My friend told me that he's,
when he gets drugs, he's been getting it from the Chinese.
And he said, they said, they said,
they said, then text, they're like,
they said, sometimes it's a boy,
like, on literally on a city bike.
Yeah, yeah.
And they said, did you get boy?
Like, find boy.
Like, the texts are all like, take picture of boy.
Yeah.
They just got on this boy.
Yeah, yeah, they say,
we have a little boy delivery coming.
No, no, no, no, they have.
He's not gonna get in his ass.
You're gonna get in there.
They have like,
what?
They have confirmed that he found the boy.
Yeah, the child.
They go to sell the drugs.
Maybe we take that out too.
I don't know.
No, what is it called?
We have a lot of cops to listen to this.
We say it.
Guys, do you think it'd be funny if when I die, like, yes. Let's say I have a lot of cops to listen to this. We say it.
Guys, do you think it'd be funny when I die? Like, let's say I kill myself, right?
No.
And everyone's like, oh, that's what a fucking idiot.
Like what a life, you know,
you can be yourself.
Cut short, man, we make you.
And then I ensure before I kill myself
that I have a will and it's like ironclad, right?
And my family can't see the will until after the funeral,
and I make my lawyer like,
ensure me that there will be a radical Muslim cleric
doing the funeral for my entire friends.
It's like, one of those guys, no English.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All Arabic just, and the finger wagging on the wingswax. No, I mean, fingerwax.
Yeah, he's screaming at my family about the grieving.
That's pretty fun.
That's very funny.
Let's get a head start on that.
I've got it in your mouth.
We'll figure it out.
Don't kill yourself.
When's the last time you went to a church?
Two. Funerals. For a funeral. When's the last time you went to a church?
Funerals.
For a funeral.
But were you confirmed in the Catholic faith? I was, yeah.
It's terrible, isn't it?
I don't like Catholic mass.
What did you guys have to do for confirmation?
You pick a name, you pick like a confirmation name.
You got to like, like, explain.
Donatello, Luigi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was your confirmation? Francis, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was your confirmation?
Francis, after Francis of Assisi.
Because he was like the coolest saint
because he could talk to animals.
Oh, cool.
That's right, the do a little of saints.
Yeah.
Yes.
What would your confirmation mean to me?
My Catholic name?
Yeah, you just pick a different name.
Probably, I named myself Pius,
after the Pope that turned, turned a blind eye to the politician.
Yeah, to the Holocaust.
Yeah, the one that was like, nothing in front of me.
Pageritio.
Pageritio.
Oh, that guy was crazy.
I used to wear a capular of his.
What is that?
Caffeilers like basically like a relic that you keep on you.
Where can you confirm to the Catholic Church?
What name did you, John? I forget... I forgot what they make you do.
It's just like...
They go to classes like CCD and you're in a lunch yet.
But they're like it's the biggest thing that you get the oil on your head.
It's fucking dumb.
Yeah.
You know?
So it's not like a barmer, so it's not fun.
It's not fun.
No, a barmer, it's just like a huge wonderful party.
Like in a sense of manhood.
My passion to move.
Didn't have enough money for a wonderful party.
We had a lunch and the,
my bar mitzvah theme was an argument.
That way, everybody.
Now that's a joke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My friends, my friend David, his,
my bar mitzvah theme was a haggle.
My, my friend David, his family was involved
in the subprime mortgage, you know, whatever business.
And he had his parents get him a white tuxedo.
And he had it at the four seasons.
And then he kicked out all the parents
from the dance party an hour in
so we could do freak dancing.
That's cool.
We're like, we're freaking crying.
Oh, we're crying.
Yeah.
Oh my God, those were the days.
That was a fun time, yeah, it was a fun time.
Oh my God.
That was a good time to be a kid.
Do they still do those?
Probably full sex though.
Yeah.
I mean, with the music at the end.
Why don't the Jinsies kind of like prude?
I don't think they're dead.
I don't think they're, they don't fuck.
They don't fucking, I doubt they're grinding.
Young guys don't eat pussy anymore.
Really?
Wow, like Uncle June?
Yeah, nice.
No, Uncle June ate pussy,
and he got awesome.
Right, but like you're so bad, right?
Yeah, they're like, they're more classic men.
No, they're like, eating pussy is cringe.
No, it's not.
It's giving gay.
It's giving, it's giving kind of gay.
It's giving weakness.
What are you talking about?
Drink up, man, I can smell that.
Get it away from me.
I had one and I feel completely drunk from it.
Yeah, I'll put it over here.
Get loose.
You ever miss drinking Ian?
You just did it in conjunction with cocaine, right?
No.
You just, you drank first?
Was it mainly cocaine or was it mainly drinking?
Mainly, it was drinking.
Cocaine came later, but it was,
Cocaine.
Cocaine, Focca, Crystal Palace, 11.99.5, Gal.
Cocaine helps you drink more alcohol, probably.
Adderall did.
Adderall did.
Cocaine was just a thing to do.
Really?
Yeah.
It's not that fun of a drug.
I mean, like,
having it's better than doing it,
because you feel like,
yes, I got it, down to the right.
And then you do it and you're like,
oh, whatever, I guess I gotta get more.
Well, you know,
but you know what I was like?
The looking forward to it was amazing.
But you're also like,
coming up with business ideas with your friends.
Oh, dude.
The next thing you wake up,
you're like, you suck.
Bro, yeah.
It, now I don't miss drinking, with your friends. Oh, dude. The next day you wake up, you're like, you suck. Bro. Yeah.
Now, I don't miss drinking, because my life is so abundant today,
and I'm very grateful for that.
Because I think back to the behaviors I had when I was drinking,
it makes me not miss it.
I do not miss the way I behaved when I was drinking.
You did a lot of Michael Richards style behavior?
Like what?
Like walking to a Jerry's apartment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did the worst.
I reversed my people.
It was a mess.
You're so earnest and you say the worst things
when you're on cocaine.
And like, I remember I was on a lot of it once.
And I went to the other night because you said some pretty bad things.
When?
I didn't see you the other night.
Part of you were talking about?
When you went up to Travis Scott, you're like,
you think I heard called slamplara?
I think that's a pretty normal thing to say to someone, actually.
Yeah, also who is Travis Scott?
Travis Scott to like get.
Yeah, fuck hands for not being like that.
That's a, that's a in it to laugh with you.
That's just you say that to another lad.
You meet a lad.
You say that.
What am I supposed to be like,
oh, I loved your song about what sexual assault or whatever.
Yeah, what even are his songs?
I get these good mom and me time.
They come around.
He sucks.
Whatever.
Beyond that, one time, I trashed Gen Z, but it's like they don't even push either music sucks.
Yeah, they're all in the fucking, it sounds like computers going through a breakup and girls
like whispering while they make soup on the tea.
Okay, enough of this.
When we sound like, we sound like,
oh, what's with us with the hip and the hop?
I mean, that's what we sound like.
Now, we're allowed to have opinions,
and our opinions are correct.
The music coming out today sucks.
Except for there's a lot of really good hardcore bands
that are out.
Okay, enough, enough, enough.
So one time I one time I
I'd take a name and I went to the to the deli by my old
apartment when I live in Bushwick it's New York we call it a
bold day okay so I went and there's this Yemeni guy and
hey I know New York we call them every
undocumented immigrant no no I think you've told me the story
before yeah yeah I did.
He worked like 364 days here.
I was like, I was like, are you here every day?
Like I was like, how many days do you take off last year?
Yeah.
And he's like 364.
And I was like, what do you, I was like,
you took one day off, he's like, yeah, I was sick.
And I was like, are you like saving a lot of money?
Like, are you stacking?
And he's like, no, I'm just sending it mostly at Yemen.
And I was like, oh my God, is everything okay?
And he's like, yeah, everything's chill.
I was like, no, there's a US backed Saudi assault
on the Houthis in Yemen right now.
And like I was like telling him about the geopolitics
of his own country.
And then the next day I woke up and I was like,
oh, I was like, you were on Coke when you were doing that.
Yeah, of course I was on Coke.
Yeah, I didn't do that normally.
Yeah, I got your mind trying to tell a guy about his own.
Can I get some things?
Yeah.
There's a US back Saudi assault on the hoodies.
And the guy's like, do you want to chop cheese or not?
And he's like, oh, great, dude, that's? Like, shit. Fuck, great, dude. That's great.
So embarrassing.
Adam, what do we have now?
We use your boner pills.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What?
Take your boner pills and get the alcohol.
Right now, right?
Okay, guys.
All right, right an hour, so.
Right, one hour.
Wow.
We're gonna save the good stuff over on the Patreon.
We're gonna save the good stuff on the Patreon side.
Guys, you can switch over to Patreon.
We're gonna get another full episode
with the original cast the Adam
Freelin show
Thank you boys. Yeah, I'll see you guys on patreon. Hey January
I'm in Tampa also then 19th and 20th
I'm a spot if I had stock on be an Ian with Jordan patreon.com slash be an Ian pod
If you live in Minneapolis,
I'll be at Cisivus Brewing Company, January 26th.
Great.
That's a great venue.
Go to CisivusBrewing.com for tickets
and check out my podcast, Alphar Smokes,
with Sean McCarthy and Scott Chaplin.
That was great.
You didn't have fun?
No, it was great.
Yeah.
I remember that one second.
I gotta take a pee pee