The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 39
Episode Date: February 4, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 39 w/ Ian Fidance and Mike Recine Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://w...ww.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs -- LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Feb 16 — Feb 17: Columbus, OH @ Funny Bone Feb 22 — Feb 24: Nashville, TN @ Zanies ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Mar 8 - Mar 9: Boston, MA @ Laugh Boston #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast this week. We are back. We are joined
by the original, come, what is it called, the original Adam Friedland Show.
Well, this is the regular, right? So what? This is the regular first one. We're the regular.
We're back from the seven. We got to pretend this is the first episode.
Nick had a painful oral surgery. We're the ranks. And he's, i had a painful world surgery with a great and he's really he had a uh...
gum graft
and he has a piece of dead skin connected by clay
to a piece of skin that's been wrapped wrapped up i don't understand i don't
really dentist i don't really read uh... read his texts fully but uh...
we will not be here until next week so guys we're gonna get the
hashtags Nick Strong going and let's get that in going on the internet Nick
Strong I've never known a tougher bastard than Mr. Nick Fallon if there's
anyone you were having so much more fun before the camera started rolling. Yeah, yeah, I know. Now there's all this pressure to be funny. This sucks.
Ah, shit.
We're not having anything anymore.
Man, we're watching.
I'm showing us the funniest video.
Whenever someone goes, watch this, you're like, shut the fuck up.
And that was, I got to give you credit.
Yeah. That was so worth it.
It was so funny. It's really funny. You nailed it. Yeah, I gotta give you credit. That was so worth it. It was so funny.
It's really funny.
You nailed it.
Yeah, I really nailed it.
Watched that, Liam Neeson playing Oscar Schindler.
Yeah, he was really funny in it.
If I, when you're talking about saving one more Jew.
What TV show was that?
Extras?
Life is too short.
No, that was Life is Short.
Is that a movie?
Life is Short.
That was one of the Ricky Gervais,
like they gave him like 10 shows in a row for like,
in a five year period.
What would you say that you really love where he goes with this new stand up hour?
What is he?
He really goes there.
He does.
He does.
He's nice.
He should go to penis.
Oh, is he anti trans now?
What would the queen think?
Yeah, I think he has been for a little bit.
I would assume they all are.
Yeah. He's anti anything different.
And if you wanna see something different,
you'll see me on the road, IanFodians.com.
This weekend I'm in Seattle, February 4th, Portland,
February 6th, Sacramento, punchline,
February 7th, Cops Comedy Club!
And then February 8th to 10th,
San Diego American Comedy Company,
e-fineats.com.
And I'll be plugging my dates at the end of the show,
like we're supposed to do.
I'm not some HIV-infested whore.
I might die by the end of the episode.
Yes, so we're also gonna get the hashtag Ian Strong,
Nick Andy and Strong, Nick Ian Strong.
Nick Ian.
So I got Raleigh, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Chicago, and Charlotte, and those dates are
on MicrosceneComedy.com.
Yeah, I guess since we're doing this crap now, I will be in Boston and Detroit in March.
Where can they get tickets?
Adamfreedland.com.
Detroit's a fun, it's a great place to go.
Is it?
Yeah, I like it.
What is it like there?
They have Detroit style pizza, which is good.
Yeah, that's nice to know.
Detroit style pizza is so good.
I keep, it's good.
OK, no, OK.
What are they talking about?
And then it's just like a town.
It's like you kind of like root for it when you're there.
Yeah.
You're like, maybe this is, you know?
Maybe it's the only way to do this.
They bring it back, I heard it was a food desert.
I went to a hardcore festival there called Tie Down, Shout Out Tie Down, Jeff Ramona,
Great Fest, support those guys.
It's fucking awesome.
And it truly wasn't in a duster area that reminded me of the neighborhood in Barbarian.
Really?
Yeah. Oh, isn't that, the movie Bar barbarian is in Detroit, isn't it? No, isn't that the that's that's the air B&B
Like or movie. I think that's Detroit. Yeah, I watch I was my mom
It was so we love watching like bad horror movies and she
Watches we watched TV movies like black woman. Yeah theater. My mom's like this woman's dumb
Yeah, actually I had that sense the other day
I was in a bedside in Brooklyn and I was like this reminds me a lot of the neighborhood do the right thing
Yeah, yeah
Well that movie's funny because it came out
You look like a little sly salamander.
All right, I know.
That movie came out in 1986 and Brooklyn's like being gentrified in it.
Yeah, yeah, you have that guy in the Celtics jersey.
In the Celtics jersey.
Yeah, and he's already starting to like getting a nice brownstone.
And what were some of the things John Tatoro said?
He said, uh, you've...
He's saying, you've seen all the amazing,
talks a lot of truths in that movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He represents Italian culture.
Dude, I was on a bus, I was actually on a bus
with my friend Eric.
My friend Eric is one of the most special guys
I've ever known in my entire life.
And I was staying with him in bedside
when I first came to New York,
because he bought a brownstone,
and his parents bought a brownstone.
And so I stayed with him the first two weeks that I lived in New York,
and we were on the bus and I was like,
oh, isn't this like the same neighborhood as Do The Right Thing?
And he's like, yeah, but I disagree.
And I was like, what?
What do you mean?
He's like, yeah, I fucking disagree. And I was like, what? What do you mean? He's like, yeah, I fucking disagree.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
Were all the busies being loud?
He's like, yeah, dude, I don't fucking think
they did the right thing.
And I was like, what?
And I was like, what?
And he's like, dude, just throwing that trash can,
what are you gonna destroy people's property?
And it was like, you don't understand.
Yeah, they trashed their own neighborhood.
The point of that movie is that it's difficult
to figure out what the right thing is to do.
Right, right.
Right.
Like if you,
I mean the point of that movie is also about racism.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
New York City in the 80s and Brooklyn.
Yeah, now I disagree. Dude, he said the funniest thing to me of all time i've
probably said before on the show but for
who cares
we're repeat ourselves but um...
he was like uh...
the week don't as all happened he was like my friend
we would like uh... he knew he kept doing college you know what i mean we'd
be like twenty eight be like, dude, fucking Flip Cup, dude.
Like 29, like yeah, dude, fucking,
he wanted a pre-game still.
And like, it just gets blacked out.
And we're like trying to be adults at that point.
Yeah, but what's wrong with-
What?
Flip Cup's fun.
It's, you know, we're not in college anymore.
He's trying to get like.
You can't play flip cup in dime square, can you?
No, no, no.
We were, we were, listen, it's, it's, uh, it's that he still, the social conditions
that we existed within at 18 had not shifted, you know, like, he just.
Yeah, but they're the funnest guys to be around.
He's awesome. That's why I still chill with him.
But he would, you know, sometimes be a liability
at like 930.
We hadn't even left the apartment yet
and he was already done.
He was already cooked, you know?
The week those all happened, he's like,
dude, fucking Thursday, Thursday, flip cup,
let's go like just whatever he's talking about.
And he's like yo
He's uh, he goes like dude. You see the fucking news this week, and I was like what it is like there's a bitch
And I was like what I
Was like what bitch dude, and he's like dude, so there's this bitch and
He's from Seattle, so he like was from Washington. I guess this happened in Spokane, Washington.
And he's like, so yeah, in Spokane,
they don't have any fucking black people.
But this bitch, she was white.
And then she was head of the NWACP.
NWACP.
He thought he was goingWA. I thought it was called like the rap group instead of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.
I guess it's still...
That's the goddess mistake.
I think NWA.
He thought it was N words with attitude and colored people. N words with attitude and colored people. Think Of course we all know. It's what an attitude. Always fucking shit up for the color people.
That's true.
The national.
Isn't that funny that was the thing.
My grandma, my great uncle,
they would say colored.
We don't say that anymore, but it was like normal.
Now we say people of color.
The same fucking thing.
People of color.
It's gonna go back pretty soon to
Michael
One time me and my brother went to San Diego and my dad came to pick us up at the airport
This is like 2005 so he like just got a cell phone and like didn't know how to use it
Like he would like make calls and turn it off and put it in his glove compartment.
So he like never had his cell phone on.
My mom would be like, you're fine.
I was never had his cell phone on.
He turns it off and puts it in his glove compartment.
Like it's a gun.
Richard probably the safest place
because it emits radiation.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think I'm sterile because I always
added in my lap when I was driving.
Yeah.
So my brother and I went to San Diego.
I just wanted to put the brakes on that.
So your father's balls are fine.
My father's balls are condition.
Your father's balls are doing good.
And mine, I can't make babies.
You're probably calling.
You and me both, brother. All right. We're just call you. Yeah, you and me both brother. Hey, all right
We're just making gagos what little mutants in our in our wife's womb
You're making little smiggles little smiggles. Yeah, little smiggles ruin my wife's life for two weeks
Two months in and out of the doctors
Then why don't we just I'm like can we just adopt like a little kid from Haiti? I want my kid to have a little, you know?
Yeah.
Why don't you?
Different color, cause she's like,
there's too much paperwork,
and she's like, you don't do paperwork.
Which I guess she's right.
I hate paperwork.
I hate paperwork.
I imagine adopting a kid, there's a lot of it.
You know, paperwork is like worksheets when you're growing up.
You gotta do the worksheets.
I hate worksheets.
I do kinda like paperwork
when it comes down to your signature
That's fun. We like the signature part. You're four years old
That is fun. Yeah, I like signing the thing at the coffee shop, too. Yeah, I always do a different thing on it
Yeah, and when I a lot of people have been asking me for W9s
Yes, and when I get my W9 with the signature on it and when I have it
I feel like I'm like the CEO
of Microsoft or something when I get that done.
It feels that way.
Dude, cause it's so hard to do that shit digitally.
I don't know why they make it so difficult.
I have someone file.
So anyway, so my dad comes to pick us up at the airport
with me and my brother and this is like before cell phones.
He doesn't know how to use his cell phone.
So he finally like meets us at the airport
and he's like, I don't know where the hell you guys are.
Your mother didn't tell me the gate and you know this this this lady behind
He's telling me to move. He's like, yeah, I'm moving some ladies like telling him
Oh, yeah, the lady that works in the airport that does that tells you
People get mad bro. Yeah, their job is yelling at cars yelling at cars. Yeah the car yellers
Which you need you need them to you know
This route to actually be there for 40 minutes.
But they should be in shifts.
So they don't get burned out at yelling at cars.
Yeah, they get mad.
And that would employ more people.
Yeah.
So my dad, he's like,
he's like, your mother's calling me,
I don't know where you guys are.
And then so his cell phone rings and I answer it
and I hear like, I hear like,
hey, is Marcus there?
It's like some, you know,
some African American gentleman.
Yes.
I think had the wrong number.
Was he an NWA?
He was an NWA.
He was an NWA.
He sounded more like an NWA.
So, so, so I'm like,
I don't know who this is.
It's probably the wrong number, but I'm like,
maybe my dad has like some kind of double life
where he's, where he goes to train and like
goes to cook out and he has friends and he has friends and they're calling what's his name
what what's your dad's name Robert yeah they're like Rob Bob you know me Rob got the season yeah
so so I'm like big Rob got seasoning. That's your impression of black person?
Yeah.
They're like, ooh, Rob got seasoning.
What time, what time was I?
What time I had to come out of my house
and when all my friends showed up,
they got mad because I didn't have any seasoning.
So they all went to the grocery store
and spent an hour seasoning my shrimp and chicken for me.
We're your black friends.
That's fine, but it's like,
you don't need to dump a bunch of powder on your food.
There's other ways to make food taste good.
Yeah, salt and pepper.
Well, dude, we went to a cookout one time
and I was like, this chicken's great.
It's the mustard sauce.
Like, this has gone on too far.
What?
They criticize our seasonings.
They say salt is too spicy to us. Yeah us when you look at what seasonings are see paprika is just dehydrated pepper
garlic powder onion powder that's all stuff you can put fresh in your yeah you
put garlic anyway yeah fresh garlic and then you wonder why all their feet are
falling off see oh my god okay all. All right. All right. Come on man
He hits me Oh, what he had his clown shoes episode
No, that's nice because they're like for movable each
Here they're here. No, they weren't $40,000 each. They're $4,000. Oh, okay
Not bad. They're nice chairs. I was not
They had to be sourced all right enough with that enough for the chairs alone if I can juggle you owe me 10 bucks
No If I can juggle, you owe me 10 bucks. No.
What do we get if you can't juggle?
Make the, make the,
da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
guys, people are listening to this.
Okay, you can't juggle.
All right, it was a bad idea.
You mixed up audio version of this.
So you don't believe it.
Nick's gonna blow his top.
He's gonna walk in and he hit.
Something's wrong here.
Something's up the arms.
I'm like expensive chairs.
Oh, it's the other way, Mike.
Turn it around.
Okay, so anyway.
So my dad, so his phone rings and it's some guy.
And I'm like, well, maybe my dad has some kind of
like double life or something.
So I'm like, I go, let me put my dad on the phone. And I'm like, here you go, dad. some kind of like double life or something. So I'm like, I hand, I go, uh, let me put my dad on the phone.
And I'm like, here you go, dad.
And he, he takes the phone.
He goes, hello.
And then he takes the phone.
He closes it and like throws it on the floor and I go, who is that dad?
He goes, some drop.
He dropped.
He was so pissed about because of the airport that he dropped a fucking
end bomb.
Your father did?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
He just, he's just so, so upset.
Yeah, that's the story.
He said a word that I've never said, ever.
That's horrible.
That's one of the worst words in the English language.
Of course. I think we all learned an important lesson here today about...
Maybe he's the worst. Yeah, might be the worst. Probably the worst.
No. I could think of another worst word. What? Marriage.
Talk about enslavement. Yeah, I could think of n-word. No sex for a month and a half.
No pussy for six weeks.
Because there's a little demon in your wife's vagina.
Which one's more harmful?
You live in hell.
I read lives and how since Christmas It's been down, down, down. It's been down, down, down. It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down.
It's been down, down, down. It's been down. It's finally clean. Okay. You know what? Just for me, it's a very stressful time right now.
Respect.
Respect.
Thanks Ian.
What's stressing you out?
We got a lot going on and then we have a big day on Tuesday.
Big day on Tuesday.
I can't say what it is.
I'm excited for the big day Tuesday.
I'm excited for the big day Tuesday.
It's so big I didn't say that.
I'll come and clean up the studio if you want.
He did say if we need any extra set of hands. No, I'll be happy. I will He did say if we need any extra set of hands.
No, I'll be happy.
I will let you know if we need an extra set of hands.
Sacramento, the Sacramento punchline.
If you want, I'll cancel.
I don't think they'd notice.
Guys, it's my big day!
Low ticket count.
I want to be here to cheer on our friend.
Wait, what's the punchline?
What's Cobb?
Is that the same city?
Yeah, I don't know why.
They booked me on one night on Tuesday
and one night on Wednesday.
In Sacramento.
A two minute drive to two clubs.
In Sacramento and where's the second place?
San Francisco.
That's not 20 minutes, but.
Well, Cobb's is like a 400 seater.
And I'm like 186.
Cobb's is nice, right? I love Cobb's. It's great and I'm like 186. Cobbs is nice, right?
I love cobs, it's great.
I'm like, ugh.
Yeah.
But it'll be fine.
Everything's fine.
Everything's good.
At least I'm not living in hell.
Yeah.
You guys ever play the Applebee's until you leave Ohio?
I haven't been to an Applebee's in a while.
I feel like it's not.
I heard of, do your mother this deal Chili's just dropped?
Well, I was gonna say, I went to Chili's like maybe nine years ago.
Yeah.
It was dog shit.
It was horrible.
It was real bad.
Do you remember macaroni was like that?
So they have a deal now.
They have a deal now.
Yeah.
What the fuck's that about?
Why are you grilling macaroni?
Yeah, also, yeah, I liked it better when it was called Olive Garden.
Yeah.
No, macaroni grill's now Karabas. Hey, can you... Hey, let me... Yeah, I liked it better when it was called Olive Garden. Yeah.
No, macaroni grill is now carabas. Hey, can you, let me, you grill that macaroni.
Grill it on more.
I've thrown a macaroni on the grill.
Yeah, I like my macaroni rare.
Put a macaroni on the grill.
Yeah, like my steak.
Okay, so there's a Chili's like date club or something.
What?
Where you can like give them like,
I don't know, like $2,000.
And then once a week.
So like half a chair.
You get dinner once a week.
For $2,000.
I think, I gotta find the numbers.
Oh, flat.
Yeah.
Flappy.
What?
Yeah.
Chili's dates, specials.
Because there's some chain restaurants
that are not, they're like fine.
They're serviceable. Texas Roadhouse is okay
You know I gotta say man. I used to I grew up going to outback. I loved it last time I went there
The burger was like a hockey puck. Yeah, or not not the burger the steak
Sometimes but maybe it's like the location because I went to an outback and fucking
Yeah
We went we went to a Texas roadhouse in P was I? Yeah. It doesn't matter.
We went to a Texas roadhouse in Poughkeepsie.
We waited like an hour for a table.
Yeah.
And it was just like, yeah.
It's like, you think the cards are stacked up against you
as a Texas roadhouse?
You'd like work hard to be like, no, it's worth it.
You know?
Yeah.
Dude, I went to a spot.
You ever been to Rolos in Brooklyn?
Yeah, my friend, my old roommate.
Fucking bastard.
My old roommate owns it. Really? Yeah, it's in Ridgewood, it's in Queens. Yeah, my friend, my old roommate, my old roommate owns it.
Really? Yeah, it's in Ridgewood. It's in Queens. Yeah. Yeah. My old roommate, who's like worked in restaurants forever.
And then he like left the restaurant.
Grammar, they were at Grammar City Tavern.
They all left and they opened Rollos. Bro.
And they own a bakery in Brooklyn as well. They're great.
Radio bakery in Green Point. it's really good my family
had a restaurant in Trenton for like 30 years yeah yeah no way what kind of
restaurant what kind of restaurant oh Italian yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I was like diner yeah oh that's great sushi bar was a name of the restaurant it
was called it's kind of a dumb name.
What?
It was called Romeo and Juliet.
It's fine, there was a kid, there was like
a Italian restaurant empire family where I was from
in Clamon and the place is called Mr. Pasta.
Mr. Pasta?
We stop pasta?
Mr. Pasta.
That's pretty good.
Can I speak to Mr. Pasta?
Yeah.
Please, please, please. He's like the manager. My father's...
Oh, my father's name is Mr. Poster.
Call me. No. He ain't allowed.
He's just a guy with like a big rig of Tony head and he goes over to the table and he's like, yeah, what's what's the matter?
You didn't like your food?
Two years ago, I was in some pilot for the history channel that went nowhere.
He had to dress up as a cannoli in Little Italy.
Okay.
So what was the pitch?
What history were you teaching people?
It was a, no, I was just a fucking cannoli
trying to pull people over so that the host of it
could ask them questions.
And then they'd win a cannoli.
History Channel, very loose term for that network. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting, they'd win a good old history channel very loose term. Yeah
It's interesting they never tell they never tell her story, you know, yeah, yeah It's always it's always the fellas version
Huh, well, they're coming down with a new channel called they story really I was watching the history channel
That's where I draw the line
Shout out Ricky shout out Ricky for Chervais.
Shout out the Golden Globes.
Golden Globes monologue he did a couple years ago phenomenal.
It took the piss out of him.
You really took the piss out of him.
I was watching the history channel in a hotel room like a while back
and they were doing one of those like reenactments, you know?
And it was like really intense and there's like a guy,
there's like two guys and like suspenders and one guy's got a shotgun
They guys you better stand out of our territory and he's like I will not and then like a guy gets shot with a shotgun
And I'm like what the what is this about and then like the voice of the narrator comes in and it's like
Harlan Sanders things this is kind of a risky business venture
Doing owning gas stations. He looked for he looks for another model. It was about the history of Colonel Sanders.
There was a guy getting shot with a shotgun.
They did a reenactment of the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Some guy just gets blasted with a shotgun.
They needed to do the reenactment to tell the story of the chicken.
They were like, we're ready to spice this up.
Over my dead body, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say.
That's pretty good.
Dude, I watched Reenactment of Lorena Bobbitt.
Cutting the penis?
Yeah, yeah, and what do you mean the Reenactment?
With my mom, it was like one of those
like half hour like Reenactment shows
that tells like a story, you know?
And actually the documentary on her is so interesting because that dude was like abusing her
left and right and one night she just lost it and chopped his fucking dick off
but anyway right then he tried to be like the victim and then he never believed him
because she was like a poor I remember because of patriarchy she could speak
English is that true?
Then he did porn and I remember when I was a kid I was like didn't he lose his dick
Like I didn't realize that you could just reattach Yeah, you're like he must have a lot of dick to get a call. I was like the biggest dick of all time
Oh, yeah, yeah, but I think he did a porn.
But dude, the reenactment is a cop looking around,
and he goes, yup, that's the penis, all right.
Ha ha ha ha.
There's some guy that had to go and cast it.
Like third round audition.
Tell his family.
He's the room full of guys that look like him.
I booked a job, guys.
Hey, good luck, everybody.
Good luck with audition, everybody. He's really competitive. He goes, you all can
just leave. He went to Juilliard. He's like just falling on hard time. I got to be like,
what the fuck? You're like, this guy sucks. What a shitty actor. What's the point?
Two years ago, I had a job being a reader for casting so when people do auditions
I do the other character and then you got the job because you read so good
No
Never mind. I thought it was gonna be an inspirational story. There's this woman that was like no
You don't know how to read
You know how you get the requirements at this job
Yeah, yeah
You know how actors are like so desperate it It was like for a deodorant commercial.
They're so desperate, dude.
Dude, yeah.
Anytime I've ever been in for an audition,
it's like 12 other me's and they're like,
yeah, I really like to network with the other people
before we get in.
Like really excited about this opportunity.
I'm just like sitting there and like just,
ugh.
We got stink.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, like, I auditioned for,
I actually trained Rack one time. And I heard the guy on the other side of the door and he was just like talking in a way that like nobody talks
You know, he was like yes, my name is Dominic
Like this guy probably went to like college for acting. It's probably got a BFA
Yeah
Wait what happens you reading it it was for like Deodorant
and this woman just, you know how it's like,
well make the character yours or make choices.
They don't know what you want, they want till you show them.
And she was like, I love this Deodorant so much,
I'm gonna do the Deodorant dance, Deodorant dance.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I can't believe this happened so quickly.
You're so fucking crazy, dude.
It's insane.
I'll do anything for this wrong.
Just dance.
You're in the last thing.
I took an acting class years ago,
it was like an audition class.
It's like everybody go up around the room and say who you are and what your background is.
So I'm like, yeah, I'm a comedian,
my manager said I should take an acting class.
There was this like 40-year-old guy there, he's probably like 45 years old, I'm like, yeah, I'm a comedian. My manager said I should take an acting class. There was this like 40 year old guy there. He's probably like 45 years old. He's like,
you know, my name's Ted. I've been an actor for 22 years and I've never booked anything.
He's like, and I just can't figure out what it is.
Do you have a family of favorite?
Yeah.
And then he went to the auditions class.
He thought, maybe it was the auditions.
Yeah.
Maybe he was auditioning it wrong or something.
And then did he do it for the class?
And we saw the way he acted.
Like he would take his glasses off.
He was doing a scene.
He was like, I want to ask you a question.
That was his signature.
He was like the shittiest actor I've ever seen. He's like, I need to ask you something.
He's like putting the glasses back on, taking them off again.
I'm like, holy shit.
In no way you would have ever acted that way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like how is there like a god that created this man and put him on earth for this?
He's like I thought everybody has a purpose in life
That there's no way that's poor guy that poor guy
He thinks it's his purpose every time for the universe
20 years he was like a decent looking you know older guy, but it's like going to my
It's probably right that's like he's like going to my eyes probably right. That's like
it. He's been going to Mike's for 20 years. But there's just a
TV audition. I think that like bad kind of fizzle out. Maybe
I don't know. But some of them keep going. I thought that COVID
was going to wipe out like I thought there was going to be
like a purge. But there's an influx. There's like a massive
yeah. There are people there were people who started comedy during COVID
and they would do open mics in the park.
Yeah.
That's insane.
That is insane.
Wait, wait, wait.
I didn't do anything.
You stand up really.
People did open mics in the park.
You're telling me they did open mics in the park?
Well, I never. He's got four person glasses.
You gotta do that before a punchline in your act.
Can you try one out?
Try like what happens right before a punchline and then just do the punchline.
There's another guy, I took another acting class.
No, I think it was the same one and this guy was like,
everyone was like talking about what your one. And this guy was like, everyone was like,
talk about what your like aspirations are.
And he's like, yeah, you know, I like comedy,
but I want to be more kind of like the leading man,
like Jim Halper, like the guy who looks at the camera
and is like, get a load of these guys.
And he was like one of the ugliest dudes I've ever seen.
I was like, oh my goodness.
He wanted to be like, yeah, he wanted to be like the,
but he was like one of the ugliest people
I've ever fucking seen.
I don't know, you gotta like know what your strengths are, I think, eventually, hopefully.
You learn what you can and can't do.
You want to look at the camera? Yeah, hey pal, take it easy. You might break it.
Yeah. I'll take it easy. You he said, that's no woman.
It's a man, baby.
It's a man, baby.
So then I looked at her and I said, hey, do I make you all any, baby?
Dude, how funny was that shit, huh?
Austin Powers.
Austin Powers?
The best.
Do you remember like when people became like an, there were like kids in class that became like an Austin Powers kid,
or like there was this kid, Nick,
I remember he was an Ace Ventura kid.
And right after the movie came out,
we were like, wow, you're doing it so good,
you're doing alrighty then, so good.
That would be a long term consequences for me.
And then like three years later,
we went to the same middle school
and he was like still doing alrighty then.
Well, do you remember, let's not get mad at those people
because sometimes it calls for it.
I think that he was really covering up some sort of trauma
that happened around the time.
He's like him too.
He would do, he's just had more of the essence.
But then there were the yeah, baby. Yeah kids
I was a fat kid. I was
Anyway in middle school didn't know you're still kid
All right, that was mean. Yeah, I think it's okay. I'm my mom. I think my mom decided to go. I will
You're a homosexual drug addict.
I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear.
I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear.
I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear.
I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear.
But my mom was like, oh, we went shopping
one day, we were at like JCPenney's,
and she was like, oh, I really like a Hawaiian shirt.
Like Hawaiian shirts look really good.
And I think she tried to make me like be a Hawaiian shirt guy for a hot shirt. Like Hawaiian shirts look really good. I think she tried to make me be a Hawaiian shirt guy for a hot second.
And they did kind of look good on me, but they're really overworked.
They do look nice on a fat guy.
On the Husky section.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She had an asshole and a penis.
Why don't we just stick to the script, Ted?
This is a charming question.
Ted, maybe let's do what's written on the page.
I love that you do improv.
We like, you know, you're making choices.
You keep doing the glasses thing for each slide.
He keeps putting them back on and saying,
I'm on each slide.
That's probably still acting.
Yeah.
Look him up, look up his IMDA.
Yeah, yeah.
That's really sad.
That guy's a bummer.
Yeah.
He's probably dead.
He's probably dead, hopefully.
Did you ever take, I took a script
or sketch writing class once.
Oh dude.
When I was like 22.
When I was like Emerson and studied screenwriting.
The one with the cell phone.
What do you mean?
Your brother was the one that would turn his cell phone off and put it in my body.
No that was the father.
You weren't listening to the story.
It was about his father.
Yeah, I took a sketch writing class and and there was like these sketches were insane.
I mean like people's concept of comedy is just like, yeah no one knows, it was like a sketch
101 or something. I like UCB or something. Oh dude, it's so funny to find sketches.
And just like there was one girl whose sketches I would save because I was just like this is
bizarre. I don't want to fuck her. Yeah, this is just bizarre.
Oh.
But I don't,
I think you should leave is kind of bizarre.
It's not bizarre like funny.
Like funny, yeah.
It's not funny at all.
No, it's like, yeah.
Yeah, it's scary.
But then there was this guy who came in,
he was like this really tall,
like black guy like looked like Luther Vandross a little bit.
Yeah, love Luther.
And he looked like, come on. a little bit yeah love Luther and he looked like come on too much did you fart did you know I
didn't I didn't did you know I did not you've been your I would tell you if I
did you didn't tell me yesterday he said he has lentil soup for dinner tonight
I'm having lentils on tomorrow okay so tomorrow. Okay. Anyway, so yeah, he cut He comes in the class. You fucking Jew
He fucking dirty Jew I told you that I told you that in confidence that I'm having lentil soup for dinner
How dare you?
It's such a breach of trust
dirty
I'm sorry, I don proud of that i'm sorry i thought i'm sorry i might have a lot of my dinner so i apologize
you talk about what it was having for dinner tonight with his family i said
lentil soup is sounds good
you just did it again there's nothing to be ashamed of
there's nothing to be ashamed of it's such a lack of respect for this guy comes
in the sketch this the sketch right in class one day, and he looked like Luther Van Dros,
and he had this, he was like this,
yeah middle aged black guy of huge,
and he has a suitcase with him.
I was like, oh you're coming from the airport or something?
He's like, turns to me, he's like,
yeah I had to take a 10 to date to open a time.
What?
People are so weird.
You think comedians are weird. I was like, what does that mean. You think comedians are weird?
I was like, what does that mean?
You think comedians are weird?
What does that mean?
At least comedians are like self aware
and they can have it themselves.
I would take a tint of data.
Oh my god, damn, over.
Dude, I'd take an acting friend of a boss.
I'd just take a tint of data over, dude.
Over.
Dude, I got it in at the buzzer.
That's crazy.
Dude, I-
You like flew to like fucking Raleigh Durer North Carolina or something for like to get to make,
cause he didn't get pussy at the beginning.
Regular way.
Yeah.
This is bizarre.
Well, I stand by.
I took a improv class when I was like 18
and there was some guy in the class named Martin
and in one of the classes, it was like Mondays
and he came in and he was like woo-hoo-z and he passed out and when he came to we were like
what's wrong we had to call an ambulance he's like I was gonna show this We're like doing Simpsaps on. She was on the screen.
I got kicked in the head.
I'm 18.
I've never been to New York before.
I'm like, what the heck are you doing?
I was getting a, what if I did like a comedy,
like a summer comedy workshop for kids?
Yeah, that'd be good.
That'd be fun.
I could do that?
Like teenagers?
Oh, Gilglen parents will pay for anything. They'll pay for anything. I could do that, like teenagers? Oh, guiltless parents will pay for anything.
They'll pay for anything.
I saw a class, I had to go pick something up from a store once.
My girlfriend just sends me random places like there's a thing at a store that's waiting
for me, you have to pick it up.
And I was like in Dumbo and lost.
And then I saw this summer, not even teen, it was like 11 year old rich white kids doing a graffiti camp.
No.
Yeah, and they had like a cool black guy
and he was like, he's there, all right kids,
like you all gotta like work on what your tag is.
It was Rufa.
And then that goes Rufa.
And he's like, yeah, one of the five pillars
to hip hop is graffiti and like,
I think it might have been hip-hop camp
And they was like
Fucking bag what fucking loser parents these kids are like working on their tag
They had like big big piece of paper and they were like on their tag
Actually, you know what it keeps kids out of trouble cool out of trouble. I mean those kids aren't getting into trouble
They're just like just being rich at their house.
Well then they should bring that program to the
initiatives. They're just making, they're just making,
yeah, I mean, whatever.
I was in a theater workshop when I was in middle school
and we were doing improv and stuff.
And it's like, I'm 12 years old, I decide I love comedy,
I want to do, yeah, I saw Mel Brooks movie the year before,
I'm like all in on comedy,
and I'm trying to find my voice and figure out what's funny
and also absorb from the world around me.
So I'm telling my uncle about the-
At 12?
You were that self aware?
That's great.
Yeah, when I was 11 I was like I want to do comedy.
Oh that's so cool.
That's all, I saw history of the world part one.
I thought that movie was so funny.
It's so funny, and I just rewatched it.
My introduction is really funny.
It's so funny.
Robin Hood's Men in Tights. Yeah that was mine too, that was mine too, but for some reason history of the world It was so funny. It's so funny. And I just rewatched it. It's really funny. It's really funny.
It's just funny.
Yeah, that was mine too.
That was mine too.
But for some reason, history of the world is the one that kind of like did it for me.
I love that.
That was my favorite one.
Yeah.
So I was telling my uncle about like what we did in theater camp and I was like, yeah,
we were doing improv and I pretended to be Lewis Farrakhan.
And he was like, what are they doing?
He was like, what the fuck? Why would you be Lewis Farrakhan? I just, I don't know.
I'm just seeing what works.
I think from like family guy and from like sketch comedy like watching SNL and shit like that.
Dude, I went to the bank and I had to talk to, you know, like one of the branched people in the back or whatever.
And the guy's like, you know, like, you know? Dude, I went to the bank and I had to talk to, you know,
like one of the branched people in the back or whatever.
And the guy's like, you know, young and everything.
And he's like, he's got a paper there.
And I love reading the paper.
And I go, oh, I got what paper?
He goes, oh, I don't know.
I just want those local papers.
You wanted a guy came in and said,
you kids need more knowledge and you're not smart.
You need to read up on history.
And I was like, interesting.
And he gave it to me and it was like a Lewis Farrakhan
newspaper.
There was like the endominal truth
about the real Jewish Israel.
Him on Donahue is like really funny.
There's YouTube clips.
He's awesome.
And there's people, it's like things don't really change.
It's like you see a guy that looks like Ian
be like, why can't we all just come together, man?
And just be friends.
Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why I'm on the subway That guy died and then he came back as Ian
I did not say that it was the Jews specifically that caused the problems what I said was
And then like some black lady stands up, but she's like, you know people don't understand like when when dr. Farrakhan talks about Jews this and that I mean
That's just how people talk
it's really great you gotta watch it
people do be talking like that about the jews
i'll take the glasses off and get the button
the jews
um yeah i was actually cleaning out my office and for some reason i also this reminds
me saved a story that this kid in my
creative writing class in like college wrote
and it was so crazy it's called
it's good and i read back through it and it's
it's just as crazy as i knew there was a reason why i had to save it
it was called the price of fabulousness there was like this gay guy who's like
rich
and he was like silent he never spoke in our class.
But he was just like, yeah, his personality,
you could just tell, is rich.
And he wrote this story and it blew my mind.
It was like he gets off the plane.
And you know, it's beautiful
because anybody can make art, you know?
It's true.
This is like, I think in the, I think- I the in the fucking loser being like we're all brothers and sisters
Anyone can make art
But he's like a sorry. He's like, yeah, you know like Damien got off
Damien got off his private plane and was picked up in his white Mercedes Benz
Taxi cab, you know, it's just, when you're like trying to do creative writing,
you put in as many adjectives and, you know, as possible,
you think that that's good writing.
Yeah.
He got off his silver jet
and got in his white Mercedes Benz, you know, like,
and then like he went to lunch with John.
He's like, every guy wanted him,
every guy wanted to be here, you know, like,
and they're like talking about like, just like these like these vapid boring like conversation between two rich guys
you're like what is the what the fuck is the point of this I guess that first
you're reading it you're like
this guy's your fucking kid. In the middle of it in the middle of it it's like just
so vapid and boring and stupid and
you're like making fun of the guy who wrote this in your head.
In the middle of it, he's like, his cell phone rings.
He's like, it's doctors. Dr. Smith said, is this Damian? And he's like, yes, he's like,
Damian, I have something to tell you. You have AIDS.
Oh, it's so funny. Yeah, yeah.
You have AIDS, right?
That's kind of exactly where you think it's going to go.
But it's just like, and then you read that, you're like, come on.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
And so then the fabric of the universe.
So he's like a fabulous guy, but he got AIDS.
And so, and the price of being fabulous is getting AIDS.
What are you doing on your phone?
I found a sketch that I wrote in a sketch right in class.
I took like 10 years ago.
Yeah, can I just say real quick,
there was a guy on the subway one time handing out
like little packets of his like short story that he wrote.
And he was like handing it out.
And I was like, yeah, let me take my,
I started reading it.
And it was a story about like this drug dealer in Harlem.
And the guy's name was Crack Rome
And like that's the guy's name and then there's there's a part where he goes like he got home to his girlfriend's apartment and opened door
What's for dinner he asked with hunger?
But I was like I see what he's trying to do.
Yeah, I see what he's going for.
Yes, I'm so hungry.
He was like, this guy had a gay bar, and I lied to get...
What were you doing there?
Yeah, what were you doing there?
We had a gay bar trip.
To get along with my friends better.
You got tricked into going to gay bars.
What's it like to secretly go to a gay bar while you have a wife and child at home?
Dude, I used to go to cabin and then sneak off to the gay bar called the cock down the street.
And I met this guy and I lied to him and told him I was a writer at Saturday Night Live
so I could get free coke.
We went back to his place and he was like, can you get my script to the writer?
So I was like, yeah, he went to me.
It was called Lower East Side Ballers and it was a musical about making it a big city.
And I desperately, bro, I've tried,
it's in my email somewhere and I have to type in
like the keyword and I keep, I wanna find it.
And we have to find it.
The next time we come on, I will find it.
And we'll do it.
It's like, things are tough, things are rough when you're in New York City.
It's crazy dude.
It's not basketball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gotta be so hard to be a writer because like, you know,
then the guy noticed I stole his money and chased me down the street and I was like, my mistake.
Oops, I thought it was mine.
I went, did I do that?
Oops, I thought it was mine. I went, did I do that?
But with stand up you can like go to a mic and you know try out some material and see
how it works but with when you're a writer you just, well you're just sitting there.
Yeah, and then you have to do like a table read and get people to invest their time and
like oh shit that doesn't work.
It doesn't work, yeah.
Yeah, and also like stand up is great because it's instant feedback.
You're like okay this at the other with the writing stuff
You have to live in this delusion that like you know this is candy right build a career would stand up over a long period of time
But yeah, yeah, and then like if you're like a comedy writer
Especially like you get hired on a show gets canceled and you don't work for another like four years. Yeah, you know
You can't just like go do like my
show. Yeah, for the show. Yeah, well dude with the writer's strike so many
comics that were like, yeah, I'm not doing a podcast or being like a road
comic. I'll just get a job writing for one at Sam J's 10 shows. And then when
that all stopped, they're like, oh what the fuck do I do I can't do this anymore she's so
mean oh no she's turned on the patrice extra
today I was on it you were on a show right I was on a show I was on a show
and my role was I had to give a black woman a pedic Well, she yelled at AK-47 to my head.
That's fun.
That's funny.
Did you do a good job?
She's very funny.
I nailed it.
I like Sam Jay because she lets you have opinions that aren't
just ball washy.
Yeah, you know?
Yeah.
The letter ball washy.
Didn't she say something?
Didn't she say something?
She was like, man, I'm sick has hearing from these fucking parkland kids.
When the stop Asian hate thing started.
And we were still at the cellar doing comedy
and a fucking box during the pandemic.
She was on stage.
She was sick of this stop Asian hate bullshit.
She said it and she goes,
she goes, don't Chinese, mm-hmm.
Don't y'all know karate?
Just karate chop a man that try to put you in the subway
Talk to me when you were pressed
But that is a good question go there. Yeah, don't they know karate?
She's like I'm sick of stop Asian hate
She went up on the show.
Why was she sick of it?
She's like, I don't know, because it's like too much.
I forget what her cake was.
I don't want to misrepresent her.
Because they were a bit uppity.
They were being uppity.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She said something about it.
We have, in Adam's Friends, interpretation of that NAACP, do you think?
I'm all of the both.
That is so funny. The funny, like that's really funny.
The second funniest thing that's ever,
and I've probably said on the show before,
it was a, I'm a cousin who's like,
I guess special needs or something,
and he like texts me constantly.
I saw him at my grandma's funeral,
and he's like, hey, Adam, do you have text messaging?
He's like the kind that's like, no, but he's not like,
he's just like a little weird.
He's like kind of a weird guy.
He's not like, like, you know, he can,
he has like a job and stuff, you know,
but he's just like a little bit,
there's a little something special, you know?
And then he's, so I'd give him, I gave him my number
and he texts me every holiday
So it was like what hey Adam? What's going on for Abaday? Like what's going on Memorial Bay?
What's going on every Jewish holiday?
Every Jewish holiday in the one year. I was at my office one of the desktop and I got a text and said hey Adam
What are you doing for 9-eleven?
I have heard this story like six times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's part of the story.
I'm not calling it a weekend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
He's ridiculous.
Yeah.
You should have him on the show.
I'm an avid Comtown listener.
Yeah, yeah, I'd sit on Comtown.
All the audiences are, you know, we got a lot of new fans.
You should have.
The last, Nick was here.
Oh.
Oh.
What's up?
Red and hour.
We're just about to spill the tea, sis.
We're at 15 minutes, but I have to get on this call.
Because we started late.
You got to jump on a call.
A business call?
Yeah.
About Tuesday?
Not really.
Safety.
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, you should have your cousin cousin come have that kid come for Tuesday
Jerry yeah during the George Floyd riots. He's like I was like, yeah, that's crazy
He's like yeah the riots what happening right outside my house and I was like, oh were you like looking at the window?
You could see them. He's like no I prefer to watch it on television
So you can see them, he's like, no, I prefer to watch it on television. He could have looked at his word, no, but instead he had to watch it on TV.
It's just better.
I prefer on the TV.
They used to ride his bike to the Apple Store.
I told you this, right?
When he was in high school, he'd ride his bike to the Apple store and fall around customers and be like that's not the right technology yeah he was
volunteering at the Apple store yeah and he'd be like you know you're getting
actually getting the wrong technology and they'd be like he get kicked out every
day they'd be like you don't work here you're not a genius you're definitely not
a genius you're most certainly not a genius. You're most certainly not a genius.
There was an autistic guy in New York City who like,
he became obsessed with the subway.
And he like,
Oh yeah, he stole the train.
He got the train.
And then the guy that did it as a doctor too.
Oh, well yeah, that's kind of a good thing.
Oh, that doctor kid is cool.
He's the guy in college.
That doctor kid.
In my mind, the doctor kid and the subway kid
is the same kid, because they're both little black kids, right?
Yeah, but it's better to drive the train into the drive the
train that guy and that guy was just doing it because he had an appreciation
and he was so good at like he was doing exactly what he was doing yeah did
yeah I got a little thing with a conductor today I was going and the
door was open here and there were two doors open here and I go and I and I run in and she goes
The doors open here genius and I go so are these idiot and I heard you right
Really one yeah nice had a person at their job working for the city. She yelled at me
All right, what's all I'm gonna say we'll leave it at that guys. Thanks for joining us today
Yeah, yeah, go ahead go ahead. You smoke is my podcast Alphers most beating with Jordan. Yes guys will be right back
We'll be right back Nick will be back next week Nick Strong is strong everyone. We love you. Wish me luck.
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