The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 40 / The Jordan Jenson Show Podcast - Episode 3
Episode Date: February 6, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 40 / The Jordan Jenson Show Podcast - Episode 3 Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ Ti...kTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland
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Hello and welcome to the Adam Friedland Show podcast.
Okay, bad news guys.
Nick, there's...
Hey, that's how you tell them.
Okay, bad news sorry. Hey, that's how you tell them.
Bad news, guys.
Okay.
Guys, Nick, okay, there were stitches and then dead skin was grafted to those stitches
and then secured by clay to Nick's mouth.
Today he went to the periodontist and was informed that it's going to be another six
days of recovery.
What's a periodontist?
It's like they dig for dinosaur bones.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
It would be awesome if he just came back and just had the hardest double Ds.
Or if he just had that jaw, if he had the big Chad jaw, and he just had just a rock
crusher. Well, he always talked about getting fucking antlers.
That was like the plastic surgery he was.
He was antlers.
That's kind of old. That's kind of cute.
That's kind of a little tween-rise kingdom.
It is very, he's very Wes Anderson.
Yeah.
If you said that to him, he would break,
you'd see it break.
You'd see the brain break.
Yeah.
So guys, it's gonna be a girl podcast.
You're gonna see two bitches talking about cock periods.
Lesbians. Lesb...
Lesb...
Lesb and the big bitch. Yeah, yeah.
Lesb and the bitch.
We have fan favorite Jordan Jensen.
I want to know if people like me or Mike Resean
and Ian better.
You. Great. Mike Resean. I got into a big old fight with Resean I want to know if people like me or Mike or seeing an Ian better you great
Mike for seeing I got into a big old fight with Racine about Israel Palestine big old. Oh, I heard about this
Really why why do you care?
Because it's annoying because on the podcast we will like start. Why does he care?
That's the question. Why does anyone care other than Jews or Muslims?
Like, if anyone's too into it.
Nobody should care.
Nobody should make their career.
No, no, no, first of all, it's a fucking tragedy.
No, don't care about it.
You can't care.
You can't really care.
But if you're-
This is like when people are like, I believe in God.
I'm like, I know, but deal.
But if you're a Nixon Farks joke guy,
and then this becomes your banner,
like the flag that, the tattered flag that you're
waving it's like what is what why it's just that's how the internet is designed for autistic
people like everyone has to make a statement it just pulls you down these epic rabbit it's
like the second you start being like is the world flat the the the the internet will make
you into somebody who's like I've never I can't even see around things anymore.
I don't care anymore.
Yeah.
People are pathetic.
I know.
Can you think about it?
Okay, I don't want to offend anyone
listening to this right now,
and probably I will, a lot of them.
Can you imagine being online and making,
okay, I was about to make a great point,
sorry.
Let's take that again.
Can you imagine being online?
It's hard.
It's hard.
You creep.
Right?
It's just one of those.
Is that why you're pussy?
Yeah.
It sounds like a barking parent.
Okay, we'll get back to that.
We'll get back to that girl.
I...
Okay.
You're a barking parent?
Yeah, you know how when your parents are mad at you.
Get in here. Your mom's a lesbian, so she woofs at you. Yeah, you know how in your parents body
Yeah, have you seen that movie the kids are all right. Yeah. Oh my god, it's a good movie two mothers to
Imagine they were both Jewish. Oh, I have three. Oh, you have three? No Jews.
Thank God, no.
Thank God. Italians, which is a little Jewish.
I was thinking about this.
Same shit.
Jewish, Italian, Greek?
Same shit.
Dominated by the mother.
No, Greek is Arab.
No, I don't think so.
No, they're all little racist.
Greeks, okay.
But Italian and Greek are dumb.
You can't put them in the same category
because Jewish people are already Italian.
I'll say this.
Yeah. Jews are closer to Italians than Irish. Right? Of course.
So those are like, all my friends not on purpose are either Jewish or Catholic. And it's not
like I'm choosing it that way. They're a couple Muslims, but that's Jewish, let's be honest.
Yeah. I'm not choosing it that way, but like a proper white, like a Midwestern Protestant,
are the kind of people that are like,
you open a door and they say thank you,
but you're like, I can see in your eyes,
it's not thank you.
It's not thank you.
You're just saying it?
No.
Like what's, like you hate,
you have darkness inside of you.
So much darkness.
Yeah, perversion, perversion.
They're like this all the time, as soon as're long they're perverted yeah no I thought we were
perverted Jews pedophiles Jews well same thing
Jews and papas like we have like a kind of like papers you don't know anything
I forgot you're retarded Jews and Catholics, we're told that we're bad people,
our whole lives.
We're like, you suck, and you should feel terrible about it.
Right?
And that's the commonality there.
I think that Catholics are more similar,
or Jews are more similar to Italian Catholics
than Irish Catholics.
Oh, great.
And to some extent, Italian Catholics
are more similar to us than the Irish.
Italian Catholics are screaming at each other all the time.
They're very vocal.
Yeah, there's very flamboyant.
I love my mother.
My mother, yeah, me mom.
And Irish Catholics are like, could somebody pass me this?
Push it down and then Cancer 35.
Booze, booze, cancer.
Yeah, so one part of the lazy boy that the dad's always on,
right there where the pinky part is,
is just torn to bits from him just.
Yeah, just accepting shit.
Yeah.
And then push, push, push, and then dead.
Yeah, I've exclusively dated Irish Catholic people.
Do they hit you?
When I'm lucky, when I'm lucky.
Yeah, I had a Lutheran guy that he was a putcher.
No, but not in like a sex, like police slapping.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just in a relationship fight.
Fight, one, I got a black eye from one of the Irish.
Really?
And I got choked and tossed, that was hot.
It wasn't sexual.
I would never cross that threshold.
It does, I don't-
This is why we'll never have sex?
Thank you. Um.
Um.
Okay, anyway, I don't wanna hit a woman.
It feels terrible.
I'm in love with my mother.
Right.
My late mother.
But you don't have the rage thing.
You don't have the rage thing.
But I feel like if I were that man,
my girlfriend would potentially respect me more.
Yeah, you should.
But it feels horrible.
When they cry, you could be winning the fight
and then they cry and it's just like,
you're cheating right now.
Because I'm winning and you've just,
you've like, it's a cheat code.
Do you go faster to yelling or crying?
I cry so much.
Yeah.
No, yell, I yell.
At her?
Yeah.
I'm Italian, I'm very emotional.
You're crying.
Okay, regardless.
You're crying.
Regardless, what were we saying before this
about the Italians and the, I was about to make a...
Greek, Jewish, Italian, our...
Before that, I was about to make a fantastic point
The point what you were gonna make is Irish Catholics know before
The point you were gonna make is that it doesn't matter Greek where do we put that in line here?
They did they stuff it down. They don't stuff it down. No, Greece. They let it out. They're loud, like Italians.
I went, I texted off about this.
I went to the ADL anti-Semitism index
when I was in Greece this summer.
68% anti-Semitism.
Wow.
In Greece?
When I was there, I like looked it up.
First of all, like that's not an objective source.
But they're anti everything.
They're anti anything that isn't Greek.
There was a gay guy that worked at our hotel.
Like, he was the bartender.
We became friends with him, me and my girlfriend.
And he was like, they're intensely homophobic.
But they all go to the park
and have anonymous gay sex.
Yeah, they're all gay.
I mean, it's the country that invented butt sex, right?
Right with all the little guys.
With kids.
With children.
Right.
I forgot about that.
But even just, their wall drawings is them fucking kids in the butt.
That's their graffiti.
Wall drawings.
Yeah.
It's a pathetic culture.
Ancient graffiti.
It's dicks going right into it.
It's really pathetic that they were popping like two thousand, three years ago and they've done they haven't done shit since then
Yeah, the Egyptians are like that too. They were like amazing. They built pyramids and then what's been going on since then
There was a library fire and then they were that was that was all the libraries on fire
Okay, I guess that we're gonna stop trying you don't meet many Egyptians. Have they been watered down?
Have they been diluted?
You meet Egyptians.
You do? I don't.
They're cool.
But I don't go near round.
They're horny.
They don't fraternize.
They're horny.
Are they?
Oh, you're right.
They're horny.
You're right, you're right.
Yeah, they're chill.
Same with it, Israelis, Israelites, Israel guys.
They are not the same.
I don't feel a kinship with them.
Not at all
they're not funny they're not funny they're very scary they love
yeah and bad real estate bad real estate by a beautiful pre-war building and
make it look like shit they're horny I just got a yeah an apartment I was like
talking to this guy and I was like oh yeah I'm a comedian and he was like who
are you and then the entire text exchange has been him
showing me an apartment and being like,
this is the bedroom, you could fuck in here.
Like, but he's very, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're all.
Have you ever watched that kind of porn?
Real estate porn?
No, don't open my mind to anything.
I can't, my porn problem is out of control.
What's your problem?
Well now I'm looking at it like an autistic person
on Wikipedia, like I'm just following whole like an autistic person. I'm Wikipedia.
Like I'm just following a whole, like I'll meet a porn.
They're careers?
Yeah, like I'll see a porn.
I used to be like that.
Really?
Yeah, when I was like 18, I'd fall in love.
I'm not falling in love.
I'm like curious about it.
I want to know that what...
I want to know what the...
I'd never watch the stories, but then I'll go to that woman's...
The stories.
I'll go to that woman's thing. Girls are so stupid. You get invested in the stories. I don't get invested in the stories, but then I'll go to that woman's stories. I'll go to that woman's thing Girls are so stupid you get invested in the story
I don't get invested in stories
porn's actually rough for me because I actually come too fast with it because I've been using my braids for so long so that I see it and I'm like
Oh, this is so you I mean it makes sense why you get why men are
So horny if that's what you've had access to forever porn why girls could watch it
Yeah, but we don't because it's very cr-
You know when you get, when you smoke weed
and watch a movie?
That's what it looks like for us.
You know when you watch a movie, when you're too high
and you're like, I can see all the acting
and it's so cringe?
That's what porn is, to women.
It's just like-
So how do you get off to that?
Because once you start, once you just fast forward
to the part where some guy is just eating a girl out,
you're like, oh, I don't even have to conjure this,
then you're done.
That's what sex they do, is the eating.
It's just like a fast go-to.
It doesn't work anymore, I mean.
When a guy eats you out?
When a guy eats me out.
No, I tried washing porn recently,
because I have, like, a girlfriend, so I just...
She's a porn star.
And she's a porn star.
Yeah.
And so...
I haven't had sex in five months.
You're married.
I got married.
I got married.
Five months is a while.
Five months?
Yeah, that's the longest I've ever had.
They're so easy for a girl, no?
I know.
I just have no interest.
I just had the possibility the other day.
It's just as like, I don't want to do it.
Why do it?
If you don't love, it's really gross.
And you know when you see like two homeless people
fucking on the train and they're just like,
that's romantic.
And you're like, that's all I want.
That's all I'm looking for.
That's all I want.
But it is true, like everybody's doing it, dude.
I was in wherever I was in Diego, the most disgusting city in the entire world.
Sexy city.
And I had my little dog.
I have a little dog now.
You have a little dog?
No, not...
Look.
Your dog is sick, by the way.
Oh, Chihuahua?
No, she's a Chihuahua healer.
But she was just sitting and then I looked over and she was like looking like this and
I look over and there's a pitbull
That's sitting facing us and he's like
And he has the crop tears and he had a dad's dick like a like your dad
shower dick
Coming out and this giant head of it
And then the and then as he looked at my dog this the red tip came out of the dad dick and I was like I just
Then you watched them have sex
No, I didn't let her near him, but it just was like,
yeah, that's what sex is to me.
It's just like a guy being like...
Sex to you is having sex with a dog?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, just...
Maybe that's because of the Irish Catholic thing.
Well, for me, I tried porn recently and it just...
Why? Where were you? On the road? Why?
I was on the road, yeah.
And you got into it.
You were just born.
No, it didn't work anymore.
But why'd you even open it up?
Why not just-
Because I was just wanted to-
Give it a shot.
Yeah.
Don't, everybody just says it's only fans.
I'm losing my girlfriend and we just have sex.
I'm against, can I talk about this?
Only fans? I'm against it.
I would like it to be removed.
It's sad.
Can I tell you? I agree. People in relationships are doing this? Only fans, I'm against it. I would like it to be removed. It's sad. Can I tell you?
I agree.
People in relationships are doing this.
They're pulling out their phone
and they're seeing one girl who they subscribe to
and then every day that girl posts a new photo
and they are jerking off this one photo.
That, that's cheating.
I think it's cheating.
It is.
It is, right?
You agree with me?
But everybody's doing it.
And all their little AI faces.
If you look at the OnlyFans girls, it's like hot body
and then this face that's like,
and they're dead goat eyes.
And it's AI.
And what about the fathers?
What about the dads?
What about the fathers?
Yeah.
They see their daughter on that crap.
They're like, they're jacking off with a solitary tear
to their angel.
Yeah.
If I caught my boyfriend jerking off
to a woman getting plowed out.
To his daughter.
To his daughter getting plowed out.
I'm like, that's fine.
That's normal.
But if I caught my boyfriend just looking at a picture
of a girl looking back at him, just like in a shower,
in a rock shower.
No, you can't.
Like an influencer. Yeah. Like this is what I had for dinner and here is my pussy
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a little too close. Yeah, it's too weird. It's voyeuristic. Yeah, yeah, it's wrong
I don't like it. Well, the only thing I managed to make work with porn is like I remembered when I was 19
Yeah, the greatest hits and I revisited them.
And it was like a high fidelity.
It was like I was going to revisit my ex-girlfriends.
That's cool. You found the exact videos?
There was this one video from when I was...
Tub girl?
Yeah, it was two girls, one couple.
You remember Tub girl? No, it was this one, one couple. You remember Tom Grohl? Disgusting. Sorry, sorry.
No, it was this one girl that in a green bikini,
and I spent maybe an hour Googling, and I found it.
You dug.
And I was like, oh, my love.
Wow.
My old flame.
That actually would be a cool project
to put together vintage porn from the 90s,
and sell it as a mixtape. It was in the 90s. it as a good part. I mean, I made 2000s.
Made 2000s even better. Get some Marcy playground is background
music. Yeah. Yeah. This should be good. I'm going to make this
and sell it as much. I love girl podcast. I love girl podcast.
So wait, so you don't want to hear about real estate porn?
I mean it's boring.
It's all fake.
But it's like, oh, this is the place and then they're like, and then they fuck.
I'm into therapy porn right now.
That's hot.
What?
They just come in and they're like, you two are fighting so much.
I'm going to help you be, it's stepbrothers and sister.
And they-
Will Ferrell, John C. Riley.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, nice guys.
They have them come in and then they sit there
and then they're like, I'm gonna help you guys fix your fight
by having sex with both of you.
Like there's turmoil in the household.
You know what I mean?
Women are...
Dude, my step-brother called the other day.
You're just jacking off the problems.
My step-brother called the other day.
You're not actually jacking off the fucking.
Listen to this.
You're jacking off to like, oh my god, they're having problems.
I swore off sex and then my step-brother called,
who's my kryptonite because I was groomed since I was a young child
and I'm very attracted to him.
And he called and he was like...
Disgusting. He was like, I'm coming to New York and I was like, oh, okay, you can stay with me. And then I hung up and I was likeed since I was a young child and I'm very attracted to him. And he called and he was like, he was like, I'm coming to New York and I was like,
okay, you can stay with me.
And then I hung up and I was like, I can't,
that's, I can't do that.
I'm not sex.
And then I out loud to my friend out loud went,
well, he's family, it's fine.
I would have sex with him right now
if he walked in here right now.
That's probably the point.
He's in the show.
Yeah. Probably, I would be more likely to have sex with them right now if he walked in here right now. That's why he's in there. He's in the show. Yeah.
Probably, I would be more likely to have sex on camera than I would off camera right
now.
But that's what only fans is.
Having sex with somebody on camera is totally fine to me.
That's fine as a porn thing.
It's the only fans where you subscribe and you just get a picture of a girl intimately
looking into your eyes that's disturbing.
That's the saddest thing.
Somebody try to get in here.
Hello?
Oh, it's a little mailman.
It's the mail.
That was cute.
Do we have an ad read?
Oh.
Speaking of step brothers,
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That's kind of what they say about um
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They're like oh, and she's got a little something extra. What's teaporn the kind Ian likes anyway. Um, yeah
Yeah, yeah
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Thank you Lucy.
I would pay a lot of money to be off these things.
Disgusting.
Really bad.
36 years old.
I can't stop.
But then...
I tried.
I listened to Alan Carr's quitting Made Easy.
I look like shit doing this.
I know.
I know.
It's bad.
Do you wake up in the morning and...
In bed.
In bed.
It's always in bed.
Under the pillow.
Under the pillow. It's bad. Right in my dog's face.
Your dog. So you got a dog so you've given up on men and marriage. Okay. It's better
than cats I suppose. I got a dog to have something on the road with me so I wouldn't hang myself
and it does work. It does help. You take it on planes? Yeah.
Oh, you're like legally blonde.
Legally blonde.
Legally blonde.
There was a famous actor, I don't know who it is.
Maybe you can tell me who it is.
Susan Boyle.
Tell me who this is.
I'm gonna show you a picture of this man
and boy howdy if you know who this guy is.
It's gonna be like someone's al-pashino.
She knows nothing about movies.
This is him.
Ah!
No, that's not.
He is, yes.
I don't know, he plays a politician in something,
but I came out of the bathroom and he was holding.
Laterally, she took a picture of some guy.
And she's like, that's a famous actor.
Imagine he sucked his dick on that flight.
You're like, I sucked an actor's dick on a plane.
He's famous.
I can't even imagine putting a dick in a plane.
And he's like, I'm a tax accountant.
I'm on this flight right now.
He was swiping through women though,
and it was bombing me out so much,
because he was like six, five, pretty hot.
The women he was looking at were just like these young...
Dog shit.
Like whores.
Just whores and it was just such a bummer.
He just seemed like he had just gone through a breakup,
lost his relationship with his daughter,
and now was swiping him with her wind.
So you're just washing him. You didn't ask him if he's alright.
No, I didn't ask him if I could tug him.
If I could give him a little yeah
I got his rig. Yeah, I didn't raise rich should have yeah
Imagine approaching a guy saying can I tug your rig? Can I tell on your rig? Yeah?
Listen here partner. I like to tug on that rig. I'll try it if you pay me money. I'll try it
I'll go up to somebody and do it
Where on the next plane I'm on on the plane. Would Would you let me tug on your rig? I couldn't do it
They wouldn't happen
Imagine like like Ian I say that to him and he's like this is gonna be great content
And he's sitting next to a guy. He's like, can I tug on your rig?
He would do that
He would hold the phone up and then the air marshal would like a tackle him He got a Guantanamo. You know, there is no air marshal often. It's not real thing
It really stresses me out because I always worried I'm gonna
Do something crazy on an airplane and I'd like to be in masturbate. I vape a lot on the plane
Yeah, I've apes so much. I've gotten caught a couple times really. Yeah, what they say
They said what was that smoke in the air? And I said,
my inhaler. And then one time it went off at the bathroom and I was like, I don't know what happened. And I put it. In your pussy? Yeah. No way. I put it in my underwear. Insane. And I was like, I don't
have anything on me. You put it in your ass? I didn't put it in my ass. I can't, I don't, no.
That's too risky. So who's that actor? You watched him the entire flight, trying to find the ball.
Yeah, but one point I left the bathroom and I walk over
and I see his face and then I just pan down
and he's just holding my dog.
And I was like, did he pull my dog out?
And then I was like.
But he took your dog?
Well, she was in the carrying case and I was like,
did you take her out?
And he was like, no, I didn't take your dog out.
Your dog got out and I grabbed her.
And you took my rig.
And you took my rig.
You know what kind of offended me?
He was looking at all these women
and I was being so nice the whole time on the plane
and there wasn't even like a flare.
He wasn't even giving me like any flirtatious energy.
And just as I had the thought of like,
oh, I'm sure he's married or with somebody
he pulls out the dating app and starts swiping.
And I was like, I need to-
And you were like this.
Yeah, yes.
Somebody, he pulls out the dating app and starts swiping. And I was like, I need to-
And you were like this.
Yeah, yes, dude.
I was just jerking off my dog.
It's like, you're jacking off your dog.
What guy would pass that up?
I know.
A woman jacking off-
I was just going like this to my dog's body.
Yeah.
I was trying to demonstrate what I was capable of.
If you had to pick one animal to have sex with.
Great question!
That's a really good question.
These are the kind of things I think during girl time.
That pitbull.
My dog. No.
It's a woman.
Oh, the pitbull that wanted to rape your dog?
Yeah, that seemed most like the man to me.
It looked like it did porn.
It looked like Aaron, what's that guy's name, Berg?
Aaron Berg, yeah.
Aaron, looked like Aaron Berg.
And that made you wanna fuck the dogs?
But it just looked most like we were able.
Berg Tweet after our friend died, oh my God.
Oh my God, they killed Kenny, that was crazy.
That's horrific.
It was really fucked up. That's horrific. It was really fucked up.
That's horrific.
I know.
Yeah.
It's really crazy.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
What's with it?
It's so nasty comedy.
I'm sick of like, there's this community in comedy.
Everything's about your mother's cunt, AIDS,
prolapse, vagina, anus, rape.
Keep going, keep going. It's just, it gets too gross.
Is that funny?
It is, it's hilarious.
Is it?
Yeah.
You hear your mother's cunt aids, prolapse, vagina,
and you're like, ha ha ha ha.
Prolapse, vagina is getting me.
Maybe it's just nasty.
Poop?
Poop is funny. Jokes are funny. Farbs are funny.. Maybe it's just nasty. Poop? Poop is funny.
Jokes are funny.
Farbs are funny.
But something that's just nasty does not make a joke.
Fart.
Farts are amazing.
Farts are very funny.
Fart is not a joke, and that will have me laughing
for longer than a joke will.
But I'm talking about, like, oh, I'm
going to go blue in my act,
and then it becomes all like Asian, prolapse, pussy,
vagina, incest, mother's cunt.
It's just like, it's too nasty these days.
Can't people have a little bit more respect?
What is with this?
Oh, oh, you know, I go there. That's the other thing. No, who's doing this? I'll say anything bit more respect. What is with this, oh, you know, I go there.
That's the other thing, it's like, oh, I'll say anything
in my act, I'll go there and then say, roof.
Are you talking about me?
Cause I'm the only person I can think of.
No, you talk about, you know, funny stuff.
I talk a lot about-
You funny.
Farts.
But you do it in a funny context.
Sometimes it's just nasty and not funny.
That's true.
When?
What have you seen?
I'm just saying there's an aspect of comedy
that is just nastiness.
Yes, there's a guy at the cellar who doesn't act out
of having sex and every time it repulses me.
But it crushes.
It crushes every time, because it's so trucking.
It crushes, then fine, passed.
Yeah.
But just saying prolapsed anus, Nancy Pelosi, January 6, gun in pussy, like, just like...
January 6.
If I hear January 6, one more time, on stage, I'll fucking kill myself.
That means to go.
It's gotta go.
That means to go.
If I hear this, you look like you were there January 6.
I mean, that person should immediately get deleted off the Facebook.
Also, we're in New York.
No one looks like they were in January 6th.
It's so weird.
When I started stand-up, the big thing was Nickelback.
That was a big punchline.
Like 13 years ago.
That's what I call Jews.
That's for the anti-Semites out there.
Okay, that was the big punchline.
Or like, you look like you listened to Justin Bieber.
Yeah.
Because he was like 12 at the time.
Totally.
And that was like the ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
Now it's Aynes crack whore.
Crack whore.
Alleyway gun rape.
Gun rape, I know that one.
Gun in the, shove it in your-
Pull the poop out, put it back in.
Pull the poop, eat the poop,
poop the poop, put the poop in the, in back in,
just relax guys, relax, okay?
Have a nice make-up.
I like a good vagina joke because you don't hear them that often.
I love it.
Women are very cagey about their vaginas.
I love it when they're like, and when a female congressman on stage and they're like, and
you know, of course it was that time of the month.
You know, I love that.
I love that.
I'm like, go off queen.
I don't mean more that time of the month, but wouldn't it be nice for the woman step down stage and they were like I have an excessive amount of discharge right now
Yeah, I'm discharging it my sense of amount my pussy real nasty. Yeah, my pH is creating a crust
I got a pool guy come do a pH test. It's crazy. You guys have swimming pools. I
Don't have a swimming. No, you guys have to check the, like,
you know how, like, there's a guy
that comes and checks your pool?
Like, there's a chemistry that you guys,
you guys have to have, like, beakers
and like a bunsen burner to make sure that your shit is good.
No, you just ignore it.
If you go iron skillet with it
and just let it marinate, you're fine.
You just go like.
So you got cheese coming out and stuff.
No, you just, it's one of those things where at first
you're like, I don't know if this is right.
I feel like I should do something about it.
And you're like, ah, by the time you ignored it,
it creates its own ecosystem that's symbiotic and.
So you have bugs in there.
Yeah, things clean it up, other guys.
And then you're a little critter.
Yes, it's a closed loop.
Like I'm right there a little slower.
It's a closed ecosystem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
You gotta leave it alone.
You can't be going in there with the things and the creams and the, it's the same way I feel about ChapStick, ChapStick make leave it alone. You can't be going in there with the things
and the creams and the, it's the same way
I feel about Chapstick.
Chapstick make your lip dry.
You can't use it.
Can't use Chapstick.
Can't use Face Lotion.
I don't wash my face.
You don't wash your face.
No, great skin.
Or your pussy.
Don't wash, you can't wash the pussy.
You can't wash the pussy.
You can spray it.
I hose it down.
You gotta wash the pussy.
I hose it down in hotels to have the spray gun.
That's probably the only way that I jerk off anymore
is the spray gun hotel.
You just hose yourself down.
I just hose it.
Kind of like during the civil rights movement
when the police were doing that to protest.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's kind of what you,
yeah, it's the Holocaust.
That's a nasty thing to say.
It's not the Holocaust.
Yeah, they did that.
Holocaust, crap.
Poop.
Yeah, Holocaust. Yeah, they did that. They watched. Holocaust, crap. Poop.
Yeah, Holocaust.
Poop, Holocaust, Auschwitz.
Auschwitz.
Pussy, mother, prolapse.
You love prolapse.
I think prolapse is good.
Prolapse is disgusting.
It's great.
It's crazy that you're a pussy.
You can fall out.
I met a dog with a prolapsed uterus and it was rubbing it upon us.
Uterus?
From the inside of fellow?
The inside was falling out.
It was crazy.
How the hell?
Oh my God. from the inside of fellow inside was falling out was crazy hell oh my god speaking of prolapsed anus holocaust ship station guys let's talk about how
important shipping speed and cost are to you as a customer have you left an
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you're probably buying a hose or something. Yeah. Have I left the entire cart behind? Yeah, yeah. If you like, we're buying something
at once. Oh, yeah. You've done that, right? Yeah.
Because you're like, this is going to take forever. Yeah. You're like, I need a miter
saw for whatever you do. I'm really proud of you for knowing what
miter saw is. I'm a man still. Even if I'm a... It's crazy to hear you say that all
out with your legs like that. What?
Your socks like that.
This is intellectual.
Oh, I gotcha, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Shipping can make or break a sale
as your business grows.
Ship station can help organize how you ship your orders
so you can stay competitive while you scale up.
And there's nothing,
when you have a business, you gotta scale up.
What is that?
That's an incense. Yeah. Should we light it off? Yeah, kind of hippie style. It's nice
I don't have a lighter though. Yeah, whether you're shipping a hundred packages a month or
Thousands kind of like the merch for being Ian with Jordan podcast. Yeah, I don't know where any of that goes
You're not getting shit
Ian's giving it to the gals on OnlyFans.
Ship station lets you automate routine shipping and easily handle returns.
There's a free trial and quick setup.
So it's easy to try things out before you commit to...
Ta... what else do they want to read you have any stories that help
relate to ship station and uh...
uh... shipping in general
you don't ship anything
i'm not shipping anything it does this make it easy to ship has make it easy to
ship it makes it so easy to go into the ubs with the line of black people it
allows you to print shipping labels at the click of a button. Okay, it's effortless
In it in it
What is oh it integrates everywhere?
He's so online like Amazon Walmart Shopify and more you can manage orders print labels compare rates
Optimize every shipment and automate delivery
Notifications so ships that station has enterprise solutions that we're doing these yeah Comparer rates optimize every shipment and automate delivery notifications.
So Ship Station has enterprise solutions that reduce,
these people don't have jobs.
Yeah, they're really dorks.
These people don't have fucking jobs.
The ship station, if you reward the enterprise
and then you want to go into light speed,
that's how fast you'll get it is at the speed of light.
Do you watch the next generation?
Yeah.
Amazing show. Is there sugar-free Red Bull in this building light. Do you watch Next Generation? Yeah. Amazing show.
Is there sugar-free Red Bull in this building?
Yes.
Can I have some?
Yes.
Thanks.
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And we're back with Jordan.
We got a sugar free.
Keep talking into that camera so you can give it to me.
I love you.
There you go.
Take a case.
Got a whole core pack.
That's really good.
That's really good.
They don't give you money though.
They just give you as much of this.
Oh, they're pulling a liquid death.
That's bullshit.
It's bullshit, right?
They're like, we'll give you.
That's not good.
We'll kill you slowly and give you cancer.
Don't try that.
How would you...
How do you do like this?
How would you do that?
How do you make a...
How do you do that?
You say to me, you say,
I'm gonna give you something,
and no calorie, no nothing.
Into words, how would you describe the flavor of a Red Bull?
Metallic, sweet, high fructose corn syrup with a lightening.
That's not a flavor though.
Oh.
What is it, it tastes like medicine,
it tastes like dimetap.
Do you remember dimetap? No. When I was sick, my mom gave me dimet. Do you remember dime a tap?
No.
When I was sick, my mom gave me dime a tap.
What's dime a tap?
It tastes amazing.
I couldn't wait to get sick because it tastes so good.
It's a liquid spoonful of sugar helps
the medicine go down thing.
It was like some medicine for little kids.
Wow.
But it's like dime a tap, but more.
Did you ever get your tonsils out?
I remember that medicine.
That was good.
My mom switched all the Jell-O to sugar-free and I lost like 30 pounds, but I was extremely
overweight so it was actually a good move.
I got my tonsils out in South Africa when I was looking at the red one.
Did Nick get his teeth out in South Africa?
What's going on with this?
Nick got all of his teeth out so he could give head better.
I didn't.
And I'm like, girl, you can't be that much of a slut.
Okay?
Like to remove your teeth.
And beyond that, like, I don't want some toothless bitch
slobbing on my nose.
It sounds actually pretty nice.
Think about it.
Think about gum.
Think about gums on your dick.
Think about, have you ever met a de-clawed cat?
Holy shit, is that a fun little teddy bear? Oh have you ever met a de-clawed cat? Holy shit, is that a fun little teddy bear?
Oh, so sweet.
A de-clawed cat.
A de-clawed, when they take the claws out of the cat
and you can hold it and it can't scratch you
and it's the soft, it's very fucked up, it's very mean.
I don't like cats.
But a de-clawed teeth for dick sucking, let's go.
So Nick got this, because he's like,
my teeth are getting the way of giving head
to anonymous
guys and like public restrooms and stuff like that.
I'm like, listen, like I support you.
That's your thing.
But that's what gum surgery is.
I mean, this is like the you've, now I'm telling the fans, the euphemism is he's having a gum
graft, but really what he's doing is he's installing a blow job machine.
On his face. Kind of Matt Reif style.
I wonder who gave the first blow job.
It had to be quick.
It had to be-
That's a good question.
It had to be apes.
It had to be-
That's probably a guy.
It was definitely a guy to another guy.
Cause it was like, it's too good of an idea
for a woman to come up with it.
It is, 100%.
No woman would think of that.
No, no, no, it's too advanced.
Circle in a circle, that's not happening.
No way.
I wonder who the first guy who Titty fucked was.
That guy is the retard.
Titty fucking is so pathetic.
Pathetic.
It's pathetic.
But you have a girl with big titties.
But what is it, what, no,
Stav and I used to argue about Titty fucking for years.
He likes Titty fucking.
He's like, have you no imagination?
He just becomes a connoisseur.
I was like, what, think about what
she's going through right now.
It's brutal and we don't, we have to look down
at your dick and look at my neck when I look down.
She has your fat smelly body on, like sitting on her gut.
Right?
Yeah.
She's probably like, if he drops.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
It's over.
It's over and I'm gonna die via a titty flop.
And then he's putting his penis in between her breasts
and she's like, this is erotic to me.
It does nothing to a woman.
And they're supposed to push it together?
They push them together?
Yeah, because when you're laying down, the titty flop down.
Right, so you have to push them together.
You have to push them together and be like,
yum, this is great. Yeah, it's weird that men
are okay with women pretending to experience pleasure. You know what I
mean? I'm not anymore. You're not? I don't even do doggie anymore. Really? That's gay sex.
That's gay doggy's gay sex. To me it is. I like that. To me it is. Although I did
find out recently that gays have sex facing frontwards.
I found that out recently too.
I saw a movie that had a gay sex scene in it
and they did in Missionary.
And I was like, I didn't know that they were so romantic.
I know.
I didn't know it was gay sex.
I thought it was pure doggy all day long.
I know.
I got waxed and she waxed my butthole
and she was like, you need to be on your back With your knees to your chest. That's how you found out
Yeah, and then I was like that's not the best way to the butthole and she said as a gay
And she said yes it is and then I asked my gay friend and they're like yeah
That's the easiest access to the bowels on your back. It's also romantic when you can see the person
Yeah, but then you have your feet up into little like a baby getting his little diaper changed. I
Don't think that's how babies get their diapers. They do with a dick in their butt your feet up into a little, like a baby getting his little diaper changed.
I don't think that's how babies get their diapers.
They did with a dick in their butt with a dick in their
butt with a day every ever had a baby.
You're black.
Have you ever changed a baby?
Blassing.
Blassing.
It'd be so funny if you got pregnant and then you're in
the delivery room and then just a wrench flopped out of your
pussy.
I would love it till the day it died. It was a wrench. Yeah. I, love it. So I heard a guy on the train just now as I was coming in big
quaff gay ass haircut and he said to us. Yeah, he said to his son.
He was like he was almost like a steam bun guy and he was like,
I don't want to talk to you because everything you're saying is disjointed.
You just keep bringing up one subject and then changing it.
And then his daughter goes,
dad, he's 11 and it was the worst.
It made me, I went into such a dark zone.
He was like, yeah, well, I'm like,
what do you want to do today?
And he's like, McDonald's, come on.
And I was like, he's your,
it's crazy to me when people get mad at their own kids
because it's just an extension.
Oh, I tell you a complaint about gay people
being able to adopt.
No, I'm more mad because he seemed like a gay guy who is masquerading as a straight guy had kids regretted his life
Decisions taking it out on his kid be adopted. You ever see a bit you ever see a gay guy
I was saying about this gay you see like a little feminine man, and then you see his wife, and she's a big fat hog
And you're like how homophobic do you have to be?
To fuck this beast every night
instead of just taking it in the ass?
I take a different perspective.
What is it?
That like, imagine listening to her shit
about the bitch at work and stuff.
Always about the bitch at work.
And the only guy that's capable
of actually being a good husband is just a gay man.
But why is he doing that?
He's gonna give her a foot rub and be like, I can't believe that bitch did that. husband is just a gay man. But why is he doing that?
He's going to give her a foot rub.
But what's he getting out of it?
I can't believe that bitch did that.
I mean, listen, I'm not saying you should live in the closet.
But I'm saying he is capable of more for her than a straight guy.
Of course.
But you have to be so homophobic to just take that hit.
I'm not saying he should leave in a lie.
Yeah.
But I'm saying functionally as a husband,
he's probably better than what I could do.
Another theory I have.
I listen to the most boring stories in the world
and I have to be like, uh-huh.
Do you really?
I don't, I don't.
Any guy does, any guy does.
And we have to be like, uh-
We have to listen to your boring stories about Nick's mouth surgery
That's not my stories. You talk to your about my stories are about awesome stuff
I got a triple double last night and if you look at the stats
So there's three guys in the NBA over 30 averaging over 30 points like they're getting so good at the
Your stories are worse.
You want to hear my other theory?
Fucked by a guy.
I don't interrupt sex for bad story.
This is how you're having sex with a guy.
I'll tell you right now what it's like.
Okay.
Okay.
You're as a Karen.
Okay.
You're having sex with a guy and you're like
Your version of dirty talk is the best you can come up with as as a fucking white bitch is
You're fucking me
You're fucking me you're fucking me very interesting. You're fucking me you're fucking me you're fucking me
I'm like you're fucking me and then and then me. Oh my God, you're fucking me.
And then, and then what you say-
What do you come up with?
You come up with this.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
That's you.
At least I have words coming out.
Me?
Yeah.
Men just go like this.
I'm fucking you.
That you like my dick?
Do you like that?
Do you like that?
And we don't have the courage to say no.
So we just say, you're fucking me courage to say no, so we just say,
you're fucking me.
You're fucking me. We just say, oh, fact.
And then you're like, are you gonna guss me?
Are you gonna guss me? You're fucking me.
You're fucking me. Are you gonna guss?
Are you gonna guss? You're fucking me.
I don't make any noise, and I don't make eye contact,
but I keep my eyes open. I'm like this.
That sounds so erotic.
Yes.
You said like the worst fuck of all time. I'm the worst.
I'm the worst.
And people think I'm going to be good because I'm like this.
You're fucking right.
I'm like this.
Please.
I know you're on a five months drought.
Yeah.
Next time.
Okay.
Next time you pick up one of these hobos that you meet.
Yeah. One of these homeless guys
You he's a he's hands are there's a barrel fire. He's warming his hands. You're like oh my god
You're weird you want to come back and next time next time old like a old like dirty Larry from around the corner
Comes up to your apartment. Just try the you're fucking me thing
Just try it out. Okay. Well Just try it out. Okay, well.
Just try it out.
I'll give you a shot.
We say things like that because we don't want to lie.
We don't want to be like, your dick is so big
because you know that your dick isn't that big.
So we have to be like, this is sex.
I'm having sex.
We're currently engaging in sex.
That's what it is, right?
Yeah.
Thank you for the honesty.
You know what, my other theory?
Because to me it's like, what is she talking, who cares?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're a fucking mate.
Is that what Maya says?
No.
Oh, okay.
No.
That's like a girl, like a girl that's constantly complaining
to her friends about getting ghosted from hinge.
And then they're like trying to tell you,
can you set her up with someone?
And then you're like, she's the worst person
I've ever met in my entire life.
I wouldn't curse my friends.
Even my most disgusting, pathetic friends,
I wouldn't curse with her.
Yeah.
Those are the you're fucking me girls.
Are you gonna gossip me?
The fag hags.
Yeah, it's typically just a nasty, unfuckable...
I think the best thing I ever heard is my friend was getting fucked in July by a guy,
and he said, I want to fuck you every Christmas.
That's funny.
She's like, it's July.
Every Christmas.
What's the best I've heard?
When people talk out loud to me, I get cringed out.
I break the fourth wall. I break the fourth wall, you know?
You break the fourth wall?
Yeah, I collayed man out of it.
I leave the building.
You break the fourth wall?
Yeah.
You're like, this is actually a TV show.
I'm like, this is actually just to insecure people
having sex you don't need to put on any sort of airs with me.
You can just, you know, pretend that I'm whoever you need me to be.
I just say if you break up with me, I'm gonna kill myself.
Yeah.
That's a girl thing.
That's a girl thing.
That's a girl thing.
That's a girl thing.
Has anyone, you know who the pinnacle of all girls is?
Yeah.
The girl who went to jail for convincing her boyfriend to kill himself.
Do you remember that?
There was that court case
where she was like on trial because like
she was constantly texting him like, did you do it?
Wasn't her thing that she was gonna do it too
and they were gonna meet in heaven?
Cause if that's the case that's fine.
She's like you're in so much pain you gotta do it.
Cause she just loved girls,
cause she just loved the drama too much.
I think she went to jail for it.
Good.
Did you do it. Did you die?
Did you die?
That's what she was saying to him?
Did you do it yet?
That's the pinnacle of all girls.
Did you die?
And then he doesn't say anything bad
because he died and she's like,
did you ghost me?
Are you ghosting me right now?
Are you ghosting me?
Did you die?
Are you ghosting me?
That's crazy.
Is that really what happened?
And he did kill himself?
I think he did.
Did she say she was gonna
Gail herself to no no no
No, you said you should kill yourself because you're in so much pain. Did you jet? Oh?
Cuz then she would get victim I
Do this is kind of a girl thing um I do I
Was like talking with my girlfriend the other day like she was like, if I got in a terrible car accident
and I had to be in a wheelchair,
this makes me feel like a bad person.
But I am a bad person.
She said, if I had to be in a wheelchair,
like would you stay with me?
And I was like, everyone would think
I'm the best guy in the world.
That's not a bad person.
And she's beautiful and she's in a wheelchair. And I love her so much and I'm pushing best guy in the world. That's not a bad person. And she's beautiful and she's in a wheelchair.
And I love her so much and I'm pushing her around.
They'd be like, he is a saint.
It would really turn things around for me.
My best friend got paralyzed and I said,
I'll take care of you and I became her nurse
but I made somebody else come in to wipe her butt.
I refused to wipe her butt.
And with that, Jordan, you have therapy,
you have to go 415 love you oh
wow it's been girl it's been girls chat thank you for listening guys we fucked
guys I'm in Boston and fucking Detroit in March what about you whatever I am
going what oh my mic I am gonna be in Sunnyvale, California,
that I'm doing a be an Antwerp in Asheville,
Chicago and Rosemont,
and then I'm in Arlington, Virginia,
Austin, Texas, Sacramento, Boston,
Appleton, Wisconsin.
Great, great, great, bye.
See ya.
Bye, love you.
Was that good?
That was awesome.
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