The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 48
Episode Date: April 5, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 48 Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@ad...amfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Apr 11 — Apr 13: Portland, OR @ Helium Comedy Club Apr 18 — Apr 20: Tampa, FL @ Side Splitters May 16 — May 18: Philadelphia, PA @ Helium Comedy Club ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Apr 19 - Apr 20: Irvine, CA @ Irvine Improv #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #comedy #podcast #gavinmatts
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Discussion (0)
Welcome to the Adam Friedland show and Ramadan Mubarak to everyone celebrating.
It's the Adam Friedland Show podcast with special guest today, Gavin Matz.
Gavin Matz.
From Canada.
Yeah, welcome.
How do we sound, Pete?
Good?
You sound good. Now, the viewers at home won't know it is but we have the air conditioner blasting
Yes, yeah, it is. It's now it's a warm day and they still have the fucking radiators cranked. Yes
It's a classic NYC problem. The building has not turned off the heat
For winter and it's not winter temperatures outside. So it's literally but I'm telling you I like
this you gotta figure out a big problem is there's not enough distinction between the
podcast and the talk show yeah and I think what we need to do is bring back the mics
this feels good I I I think if you're wondering like oh is this the show or the podcast if
you you can tell by the cables uh the cables I think that's a good distinction
Yeah, yeah, we have I kind of wanted to build like a center console
Like the kind that you'd see in like a conversion van
With like cup holders a little screen in it
I like that, you know, and then and then maybe change the stage. So it's also like the inside of a conversion
I like cup holders. Yeah, I like when the cups don't fit in them
maybe we could just get a van and inside of a conversion. I like cup holders. Yeah, I like when the cups don't fit in them.
Maybe we could just get a van and back it have the back. This sounds like a perfect
project for you, which is disassembling and reassembling a van in the studio. Having half
of the back of a van as the podcast stage. Yeah. That way it's, there's a clear visual
distinction between the two. Getting a car. here. You need a car in here.
That's big tech.
Yeah.
These are all things that I had planned initially.
But then, you know.
What do you think got in the way?
Well, nothing got in the way necessarily.
But until very recently, I had to learn,
I've never been a business owner before.
It was just, you know, our old podcast was successful
by chance. And I didn't know that you shouldn't hire old podcast was successful by chance.
And I didn't know that you shouldn't hire people
because they're like the...
They're your friend.
Not necessarily even your friend,
but just I'm like, this guy's fucking insane, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's see what this guy does.
That's a bad business model.
Because it's funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, a lot of small businesses,
they have bad employees.
No, the problem is, is I think that if you do something
like creative, you want the most creative people
to get the best product.
But then creative people often are lacking in like
Intelligence.
Not intelligence, but like a technical consensus
is what I would say.
OK.
Is that creative people, they figure out
how to get what they want out of something creatively.
Sure.
And then there's other people on the other end of the
spectrum that are very technically minded because they go to school for it
but they don't they're not necessarily creative they're not creative they'll
never make anything good they're nerds yeah they're nerds and they need to be
told what to do right exactly anybody anybody would come in here and be like
well there's the 180 degree rule when you're shooting your gun yeah yeah shut
up you think any of these migrants are good at tech
They're probably they're probably yeah
They're in like a 900 person mariachi band. I
Would like to see is there a Guinness World Record for largest mariachi band. We got it
The podcast has to have a theme, right?
And that was the thing that we struggled with.
That was why I think Come Town kind of failed,
because we never had a theme.
It was a show about nothing.
Yeah.
When we started, everyone told us you have to have a theme.
I thought the podcast failed because of crowd work clips.
Why?
We weren't doing that.
No, but that's maybe what separated the group.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Oh, sorry.
He's saying Stav did too many crowd work clips.
Oh my God, why would you say that, dude?
I don't know, I don't really know anything
about the dynamic. He's a friend of ours.
I mean, it's been enough time, we can say it.
Stav's like staunchly pro-Israel.
Yeah.
And it was like, there was a lot of-
It's crazy. Oh.
There was a lot of behind the scenes conversations
where we'd say, Stav, It's murder. It's a genocide
Yeah, he would say and this is I actually don't know his real voice
I like they've been there for three thousand Jewish friends are scared
Would you hide me and we said well first of all you're not Jewish we don't
Bend the fabric of space no we're talking right now now I like stuff, but also I heard he's gonna
Where Gaza is that's actually gonna be called Stavis world. Yeah, he wants us to open the theme park. Yeah
Yeah, where like the refugee camps are it would be great if they could turn Gaza into
Yeah, and it's also crazy I went to Greece last summer and I googled the ADL does an
anti-semitism index for every country 68% in Greece. So it's strange that he's so staunchly
pro-Israel when he comes from such a you know anti-semitic culture you know right
it's very confusing it's kind of a curveball but you know that's why it
keeps us on our on our toes I love it I love Israel you know that you do like
saber metrics for anti-semitism it was very funny to find out that the that the
ADL is every number now their anti-semitism over
replacement people is actually it's lower than it's so it's such a funny so
it might be 98 percent Nazis there but he would if you eradicated all of them
the people that would come in would be 99 percent Nazi yeah so they're actually
negative 1% if you look at the the effective number I was literally
googling that as
a joke and then got an answer for it as a joke like by yourself no I was a
just would be funny I was with my girlfriend actually on vacation
romantic vacation and the guy in the hotel said he's like oh yeah like we
hate Jews here really yeah because it's so are you just go there are you
crushing with your girlfriend constantly like Like when you're saying stuff and
she's like eating it up.
No, she doesn't find me funny at all. She doesn't find me funny at all.
Cause it's crazy.
The first thing she's ever liked, the first thing she's ever liked in the audience, I
just want to mention this as well, are the Tafts digital shorts, the weekly Tafts digital
shorts.
Which are now on Patreon.
Which are more likely just fucking steal yeah patreon.com
Slash-taffs, but my girlfriend loves them mm-hmm. Yeah, and then I realized while she was laughing I was like that's the first time I've been associated with any laughter on your bath. I'm pissed
I'm back into chewing my soul patch area
It's been a hot spot for me for my entire adult life
And then I got gum surgery and I couldn't
chew on it and I thought I'd finally broken and what is that this has been
more of a detriment to me of all my bad habits worse than alcoholism or chewing
on the pussy tickler I why don't really call I don't hey I call you call a soul
patch but I think I chew the skin raw I would always have to shave it completely because the hair would I would get hook up oral fixation and chew on it
I stopped for a month and now I'm back there just shoving it in my mouth even oral fixation. I think so
Yeah, I'm oral
Retentive anal explosive. I think is my eye eye and and I
Explosive I think is my eye eye and and I
J is that and I jr. What is my profile? I don't think that's personality. I don't think that I don't think
I don't think it ain't a little explosive
I think I'm anal explosive
Scientology center you went for a test. Yeah, you got a reading
Really? Yeah, so I need to... Hold on to the things?
Yeah, I did.
We'll reach your fortune.
I did that when I was still in Vancouver before I moved to LA as a bit.
And I was like, I'm moving to LA and they were like, whoa, you got like a lot of stuff down there.
They're excited about it.
Do they offer you a career? No.
Now I just have beard hair constantly just on the show right now because it comes out you want and then you got to
respect the pussy tickler my brother yeah I don't even know what my habits are
I think it's good that you know you don't know what your habits are no
because I just I just I guess I've accepted them or I just haven't been
trying to get rid of it you're not aware of them you probably have one weird one
that you don't know about I'm sure sure I do African American vernacular English. Yeah
Av yeah, that's one of my habits you do Canadian. Have you seen a video that Canadian Wigger woman?
It's so funny. Yeah, Canada's got the Toronto accent
You were old enough now that like zoomers have their own version of way
That's acceptable like you know, cause like ours was not,
I mean, it was never really acceptable, but like.
That's one of the best things that the Zoomers have done
is bringing that back.
That is the only major generational difference, I think,
between millennials and Zoomers.
Is it a Toronto accent?
No, it's the Wigger's.
No, it's the Wigger's, yeah.
I know, so you call it a Toronto accent.
You know, in a video I'm talking about, like,
yo, Shorty's talking shit.
Yeah, yo.
It's a, yeah, it's like a Canadianies talking shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's a yeah, it's like a Canadian wigress
Yeah, and what did she say? She said something about like a white Toronto guy?
See to my stomach yeah half of it is like my stomach fun. It's like a rubella clod. Yeah
It's kind of Drake. Come on Drake appropriated West Indian
Slang I like the classic Canadian accent bud. Like, let's go
hack a dart. It's generational though. Do that. Hack a dart is smoke a cig. Yeah. What's his name on
on Trailer Park Boys? T-Rock? T-Rock. He just sounds like that's like just an American kind of
style. What I remember to be. Right. A race appropriator.
And the new one now is unrecognizable to me.
Yeah, Toronto is like a very West Indian
and properly Indian.
Totally.
Yeah, they have a big South Asian population
and a West Indian population.
Huge.
Whole market full of them.
Yeah, fam.
Like where they have shops and stuff.
It's their own businesses. Yeah
Yeah, there's a lot of those Toronto accent clips that are very funny like the ones that talking about uh
Where people go to school? Yeah, the school one is very good. Yeah, I wish I could remember called
It's like one of the suburbs. I
Am from Vancouver, so we don't really have but that's like a different country. You're from China basically basically
That's China Canada. We went there crazy because it was a logging town
No one lived there was just guys having fucking pancakes until like 1975 and then boom just just China. Yeah
Yeah, they brought the heroin. I'm assuming lots of heroin lots of heroin. Yeah, now. It's fentanyl
It's also crazy, and they got those safe injection sites
Hoover in the entire world might have the highest ratio of like
Pretty what do you what would you call it topography like natural beauty? Oh, yeah
Architectural uglyness I like I like the brutal I think I like the brutalist stuff. I like the downtown is nice
Yeah, no Vancouver is one of the got that Swedish
Architect has a lot of stuff there. What's his name? But anyways, that courthouse is beautiful. I don't remember the courthouse
I remember most of the well they have like a law there
Centers where you can't block the view from the building behind you right?
So all the buildings slope down to the water a lot a lot of the houses are ugly because in the 80s,
there was like that boom of like people moving there.
There was a bad boom.
And you're not allowed to have basements.
So like, or you're only allowed to have basements
if like the, so like they built the first floor,
like two inches deep.
So they figured out a way they could build houses
and like really quick.
So every house like looks the same.
And it's like, they have like a fake basement
So they could get the square footage and build quicker sick to my stomach fucking yeah
So all those houses are so ugly and they have like stucco on them yeah, yeah a bunch of waste men
Yeah, yeah a lot of Italians, too. You don't know that do they let them they let them
Yeah, my god my church growing up was all Italian. I was like, why do we go here?
I thought it was just a thing. Yeah, you went to a Roman Catholic Church. Yeah
Were you did you get confirmed? Yeah, you got baptized. I got baptized. I got confirmed molested
I would know I wasn't allowed to be an altar boy
Really? Why are you too ugly emotional?
problems
Why you mean you weren't allowed to be I wanted to be but you weren't oh your mom's no I was so horny
For the priests no, but my I wasn't allowed I wanted to be but my mom was like no
Oh cuz she knew about the spotlight stuff. Yeah, she knew about your ass. She saved my ass
Shouts out to moms.
Did you leave her in the hood?
Yeah, she's in the hood.
It's about a movie about discovering
a bunch of child molestation in the Hindu church.
It's called Dotlight.
Ha ha ha.
That's pretty good.
That's good.
Just how about it?
Yeah.
How about that? How about that? I'd hear the whole pitch. That's it. I'm gonna go out of sequence, please, but I have to do this out of sequence for the appropriate podcast like
Etiquette
Yeah, I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please
I'm gonna go out of sequence, please I'm gonna go out of sequence, please I going to go out of sequence, please, but I have to do this out of sequence
of for the appropriate podcast like etiquette. Like it's not, but I have a last minute booking
guys in Irvine the 19th and 20th of April and I just have to get it out there. It was
literally booked today. So I have two weeks to sell tickets in a 7,000 seat venue. So
that's good to do right now
I feel like we were just kind of getting into the flow of this but well actually so that's good
You got a cell phone. I know I thought dot life light and then that's a good cut
And then Nick said the accents are funny and I was like, okay
This is we were giving him nothing on that
We know we were giving him notice. We were giving him nothing on that
I say anything like people are gonna be like oh, Nick's in a bad
You know I'm I'm set. I'm settling in I'm trying I'm trying to riff. I'm looking both ways
Nick's get it coming with bangers. He's the
I agree
Well the dates yeah, that's very funny. Yeah, it's a comedy show. I like doing dates you ever do some stuff on the road
Yeah, I'll be in Portland next weekend out'll get it out there I'm in some places too April 11th I think there's only I
think three of the shows are sold out we got maybe one more the helium is the
best how's the money the money's good in Portland yeah that's a good market
that's a good market for you I didn't do too hot in Raleigh but then it ended up
being a lot of fun I mean this is it so I was
doing a show in Geneva but I forgot how fun like a half-filled room is cuz then
you're like oh the pressures I don't give a fuck yeah fuck around totally
yeah yeah I like a half-fold room that's most of the rooms I'm I'm doing you were
in Geneva Ohio yeah I was doing a show in Geneva, Ohio
It's an awful place the first time I went to Portland because everyone would sell it to me They're like, oh, it's just like Austin and this is back when Austin was and they were also weird
They were also we're like who was weird first another weird place people people would describe Portland as
Austin with shitty weather and less jobs. Yeah, and and
And I was like, this sucks.
This town stinks.
It's worse every time you go there, too.
Well, everyone's always like, from Vancouver,
they go down there to watch basketball
and go to the strip clubs.
But everything is a strip club in Portland.
Everything's a strip club.
You go to a McDonald's, there's a nude woman on the table.
Yeah, there's naked people everywhere.
It's out of control.
That's what happens when you give people drugs.
Yeah.
I had a homeless couple, and I've told this story before,
a homeless couple politely asked me to leave the city
when I was in Portland.
Really?
They came up to me, this woman, this man with one eye.
One of his eyes, he looks like he got stabbed in the eye.
Well, maybe he saw something.
It's so scary.
I don't know.
He could have been a seer.
She's like, can we help you? And I'm like, what the like what the fuck you thought what do you know? What are you talking about?
And then she's like well if we can't help you then we'd like you to leave our city, please rude
Yeah, I was wearing that Fuddruckers hat backwards. I think they might have thought it was a MAGA hat
Well you think if they're
On house couple they'd want America to be great again.
I would like to imagine it was just people from the Red Scare subreddit.
That's just the average Red Scare subreddit person is a homeless 65 year old woman with her non-verbal one-eyed boyfriend.
Just living in a tent cheating on each other. You gotta listen. It's great.
I've never listened. To what? Red Scare. It's not even, the podcasts, podcasts have nothing
to do with their subreddits anymore. They're completely separate entities. There are, there
are a couple of podcasts that I don't listen to that I do check out their subreddit because
it's- Fighter and the Kid, of course. No, no, no, no, no, no no no no it's all women podcasts of course because their fan bases
have turned on them and you there's that's every that's every podcast their fan base is that's why
i see that's what liking podcasts is is turning on the pod your the people who are interesting our
audience our audience has fallen off those our podcast is great because it's like just two it's
like three guys talking to each other it's literally four guys there's like almost
that hate us a community there's nobody on there the community nobody are there
and those guys are like another terrible episode it's been bad for two and a half
years now yep this one sucks also I get it that's how I feel about Survivor but
there's four of them is it gone it's how I feel about Survivor. There's four of them. Is it got not it's gotten awful Yeah, just everybody that they cast to be on Survivor now is like gay. Are you into the Bachelor? No, I watched I watched
I watched a couple of episodes this season. It's my first time actually watching the Bachelor
It's insane that that is as big of a cultural event as it is
Well, you know how like this like bachelor kind of spurred all these like insane reality TV shows where they're like what more can we do with this?
I was watching this one on like peacock or something. It's called couples to throuples and
It's like couples and they're trying to get a third. Yeah, it's a poly show. It's nuts. These people are all insane
I would never go on that they show pussy on it or no
They show them they basically all the the first night they pair up
They've they're basically fucking really they're all under the sheets doing it on peacock. Yeah, and this girl was like well
I have so many friends
Why can't I have more like in a people in a relationship and the guys like sitting there like yeah, yeah, that makes sense
Yeah, you should
I want a whole network just called the pissed-off channel and it's all types of show Yeah, you should. You should get more pussy for me.
I own a whole network just called the Pissed Off Channel.
And it's all types of shows.
You know, like the DIY network, it's
like how to fix a house or whatever.
It's just every show is like a different type of person,
and they're pissed off about something.
I like that.
But it's a different personality.
And they're always so like, tuning to one.
So you have like a falling down Michael Douglas show? Or are we doing like? No, it's like a different personality. So like, you're tuning to one. So you have like a falling down Michael Douglas show?
No, it's like a reality show.
But instead of like, OK, so today we're
going to refinish the cabinets.
It could be me.
I could have a show.
And it'd be like, I picked up my laundry yesterday.
I put it down, and the cat shit into the laundry.
It got on top of the bag and shit directly into the laundry
bag.
That's really annoying.
Brand new sheets that I bought fucking six months ago. You can't punch a cat can't punch the cat
They don't have you know their collarbone is loose. I got a stomach. They're waiting for you to die
We'll tell anyone this you got a pit bull just so he could abuse his path like he wanted a more robust dog
No, I did it for colonizer gentrification
So I could walk around the neighborhood. I've gentrified with a my murder dog nice. Yeah
Yeah, and say spread love. It's the Brooklyn Way fellas
Yeah, how's everyone do you hang out on Spike Lee's block? I heard a lot
He his company is a couple blocks away from mine
He's always down there. Yeah, like yeah, I'm in the right thing. I'm doing the right thing
Yeah, you got I threw a trashcan through the window of his production company actually oh shit
Yeah, and I'm like you remember this is upping the I'm like remember from do the right thing
It's funny that I'm doing I'm doing the wrong thing right now
Yeah, I was in Geneva, Ohio and the the the guy who produced the show said that if I sell out I
Can keep the door?
And I was like just give me the money wait so he's doing that he's saying that the door the
actual door oh yeah all right no that's good we have fun here like that kind of
shit I do but I did completely I was expecting a story about a book or
fucking you over no he said if I if I sell out the show, yeah, you can keep the door
How are you gonna get that on Delta?
Just give me the money I'm gonna get it out
What the hell am I gonna do with a door?
Let's take that from the top. Let's take that from the top
I didn't know you were doing comedy right now because you weren't using it on stage board
Let's get that clean
Let's do it again
Yo, so I was in Geneva, Ohio
Listen up crackers now now, okay
Let's get it clean for editing three two one Gavin so Nick whoa
Thank God you said his name whoa Gavin what was that we said the accent we didn't say the words so I was in
Geneva Ohio and the producer the show said if you sell out you can keep the door I said just keep the money ha ha damn that boy that boy you stupid that you used to do it he said keep the
door he said keep the door he said keep the door but I guess I just do crowd
work right mm-hmm what is is that? Matt Rife.
He did that?
At the end of his special, yeah.
But I guess I just do crowd.
He tells a story, he goes,
but I guess I just do crowd work, right?
That's what, oh, he's not a one trick pony.
I'm not a one trick pony.
Yeah.
Nelly Furtado.
Should I start telling people I'm dating Matt Rife?
Do you think that would help my career?
I need him, I need him. Because at a certain point he'd have to he'd have to say no
helping a workplace comedy for Netflix yeah at certain point I was thinking
he works at a he's got to do bills. It's like, go ahead.
No, no, it's alright. Now I want to hear more about the workplace comedy. Well, it's a Matt
Reif workplace comedy that he's developing at Netflix. Announced yesterday. Deadline.
Gotta keep up. Gotta keep up. And my pitch for him is that he works in an office and his grandma's
dying and then he
realizes the only thing he can do to pay her medical bills is he does OnlyFans.
OnlyFans is special that he did, or OnlyFans is a website.
OnlyFans is a website.
So Matt Rife, there's a motif in his work overall and it's referencing OnlyFans.
He seems to be obsessed with this website.
Yes, well because the CEO donated money to the IDF
Really true. Yeah, the Israel lobby they denied it read recently
Pornography is controlled by the Jews by the Jews. Yeah, I've read that recently
They did the entire industry is all like pornhub and all that is all part of like a secret campaign
It's about kidnapped children and take them down into the tunnels
Well, I think it's about like a getting
Pussy from children everyone horny. Yeah. Well, can I just say this about kidnapping children? I mean, where are you gonna take him to the sky?
That's true. Yeah
Yeah, well fuck you gonna get up there and we're also gonna be crazy. How am I gonna get up there with kids?
Look, I'm just I'm an observer of the world. Mm-hmm
I don't I don't have any kind of insight or any critical thought about anything, right?
But you do a lot of observing I do of the world
So and what I've observed is there is it seems to be an only fans obsession
Mm-hmm. And what do you think? Why is that? Is it because of some kind of deal with OnlyFans?
From from Matt, right? You can even get away with naming. I think he's like a hot
He's like a he's like an attractive, but I couldn't it's a name of a business and there's no pun there or anything
I couldn't put out of I can't make a movie and just call it McDonald's
You know what I mean? Well, yeah, I mean, what was it even be about? I don't know
It'd be about me working in an office
Yeah, you know I have to get a job. I have to get a job at
McDonald's you couldn't call it Dwight. You couldn't call it McDonald's also only fans. It's like
It's not what it is. Uh-huh. It's not a good name for it
If it was me it'd be only fan
He just my father watching. It's
the only one. I didn't know we were doing comedy. You didn't do that in your stage
voice. Yeah, y'all have... Oh, he checked his watch. No, I didn't. I forgot. We have
to do ad reads, so I got to always... but I noticed that I did not start the stopwatch at the beginning
P where we at?
Yeah, go ahead and hit him with okay give him a little stink Gavin. I want to tell you about something
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Now we're back. Welcome back to the show and we're back on the show. Thanks it here. I am one of the chairs. Yeah, awesome
He's awesome. We have four chairs. He's awesome. He is awesome
legend I
Love him so much. He's kind of got a Toronto accent that he can do.
He's got a bunch of accents.
He's a kind of a Rasta Clot kind of accent.
He told me that he got with a lot of Jamaican girls
after that video dropped.
I bet.
He said the outpouring of love from the island
was overwhelming.
So you want to take a crack at it?
The accent?
No, I did one accent I already regret.
Which is what? Your regular accent?
Your stage accent?
The stage accent?
The stage accent that you do every time?
You're like the last white Indian comedian.
Yeah.
I'm the last white Chinese comedian.
I'm kind of like... The last white Chinese comedian. I'm kind of like...
The last white Chinese comedian.
Vancouver is starring Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise is the last white Chinese comedian.
Oh man.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Well, I don't know.
That's just from the trailer.
That's Tom Hanks and it's Catch Me If You Can. Knock, knock. Who's there? Well, I don't know. That's just from the trailer. That's Tom Hanks.
And it's Catch Me If You Can.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself.
It's very funny.
Very funny.
Catch Me If You Can.
It plays Carl Hanratty, the FBI agent.
I don't remember the trailer.
How awesome.
Oh, I was doing knock, knock.
That was Tom Cruise like the Chinese comedian
Oh, I thought you meant that in the last samurai they said knock knock and I was like
It is catch me if you can is funny cuz that guy was like pretending to be a pilot
And getting pussy off there. Yeah, that's your rock. Yes. So cool. We've fallen so far. You can't do that anymore
No, this is you just they haven't caught the people doing it yet
There's a there was that autistic black kid that just pretended to be a gynecologist for like a year
I like he was like he was like my hero
Yeah, and all all he did was buy the jacket. Yeah, and then somehow he was like fucking looking at women's bus
He's being like looks fucking awesome
See you next week. It took them forever to catch him. The headshot of him was great. Yeah
Like a child great pussy man
Do the tongue depressor part sorry, I know this is the worst
Okay, it looks good no strap. Here's your lollipop
Adam bringing back the finger smell oh
Man move these days on stage. What is it? I tell jokes like and that's why I'm Jewish
And then I say it's that's it smells like pussy
It's that's it smells like pussy
Gastric distress all morning Nick ate old salsa guys old I bought it from the corner store, but oh they sold
on items at the
For some reason that just some of the groceries are dusty. Yeah. Yeah, and that's never good It didn't look expired, but it's on the outside of the package fire. No salsa doesn't expire
They don't know when it does though.
How could you know?
Even the expiration dates, they're just like
what we legally have to put.
Wasn't that an Adam Ruins Everything episode?
Uh-huh, I had never watched that.
Where he was like, food actually doesn't go bad.
And he's just sitting there eating rotten cheese.
No one has made me want to Union bust more.
What?
Than Adam Ruins Everything. Seeing those pictures of him. He ruined unions for me. He did. And I'm a union bus more. Well, yeah, then Adam literally I means everything
Yeah, he ruins he ruined unions for me. He did and I'm a union man
He might be actually like a Psy op kind of from the big studios to make you to ruin
Unions. Yeah, just anybody that wears like a checkered suit jacket like on purpose
We've said this before on the podcast, but Nick and I when we first moved to New York, we're at a comedy party and
There were girls taking a selfie. He just walked path and passed them and he goes selfie time. Oh my gosh
And that's inside baseball and I don't know I don't know anything about baseball. He rocks dude. That's crazy selfie time
Show still on probably not. I think it's true TV
I like the autistic guy that was just like driving the train train. Yeah, just the subway
I get properly yeah, but he did a great job to prison
He's done Rikers no, that's not fair just driving for loving trains
Yeah, that's really cruel actually you could make an argument the other guy was autistic also
But he's just like autistic for pussy
Yeah, the gynecologist better cod you just don't know you just don't hear about that so much
Well, it's like if he was just trying to I mean he would just be a rapist if he wanted
You're already breaking the law
law by pretending to be a gynecologist. Ladies and gentlemen, the jury, my client is autistic. This is my point. It's so much more work for legally speaking the same crime. There's no
difference between pretending to be a gynecologist to give illegal vaginal exams. It's sexual
assault. It's sexual assault as it is to just hold a woman down and rape her at gunpoint.
I mean it's also, it's like any guy that's a gynecologist you're like, why?
Why would you ever want to help a woman?
I think it's the, I think it's easier. I think it's like being a dentist.
Well there was like the guy who was like at Columbia, the doctor that was like the gynecologist like I know and then he would
Like lick their pussy halfway through it's it's hundreds of times
And then he's when I saw some of his trial, but he's like I thought it was consensual
Nobody likes that
It's like well, how did you meet your wife?
It's like well
He was my gynecologist,
and he just randomly started licking my pussy
halfway through an exam, and I said,
what a weird, quirky doctor I have.
My grade two teacher.
Maybe we should go see a Hugh Grant movie.
Your grade two?
My grade two, second grade teacher, Mr. Palador.
Mr. Palestine?
Mr. Palador, he got, I guess, fired, barred, or whatever.
He was like rubbing girls' shoulders, and that came out.
And his two girls?
No, he was giving shoulder rubs and stuff.
To grade two girls?
Yeah, and then that came out,
and I heard his defense was like,
well, they were really tight, was like well. They were really like
They're stressed out that fucking six-year-old they're
Stable they're stressed dude. Yeah, yeah stressed dude
Indagracy they used to say that I'm so stressed dude. I would never work with children
Never never I mean it's just cuz there's so many ways things could be misinterpreted. And if I had to, I'd be in like the Pope Mobile, basically.
I'd be in sealed and bulletproof glass.
Unless I was their boss.
You'd be in Magneto's prison.
Yeah.
And I would communicate with them through two layers
of Google Translate.
So anything I needed to say would go into Chinese first,
then Spanish, then back to English for the kids.
And that way, it's like anything.
If they misinterpret something interpret something look that's either
Guys follow the Spanish don't you think that we also have to give like child labor people like the people in charge a little more
credit like how the fuck do you like
Get these kids to focus like that no, but it's not a lot to deal with it's the iPad generation
They can't do what these kids back in our grandparents days
Oh our grandparents that were working child labor my grandfather my grandfather was a fucking he was at a factory
Well now these kids they built the iPad they start playing with it now
Now they can't stop watching the fucking door of the Explorer what the hell are they doing on the iPad cuz that's they love it
But I have an iPad iPad I've used it
twice it sucks I've had suck what are they doing on there I don't know they
like the games are like bad yeah they're terrible games aren't fun like you I've
an Apple TV right there's a whole game sector games for the fuck is playing
the games that they have available on a plane. Yeah, just play Nintendo Switch.
No, it's...
Like a regular kid.
Ooh, Bejeweled.
A game from 35 years ago.
You ever play Overcooked?
No.
Oh, it's like you're like a chef in a kitchen, but...
It's crazy, you start yelling.
You're like Gordon Ramsay style.
It sounds like a good show for the Pissed channel.
Yeah.
Overcooked.
Yeah. TPC. And I think this about Pissed, the Pissed network... I've pissed channel yeah overcooked yeah TPC this
about piss I've got the number one show on TPC each each thing is like a new
person it's never repeat posts you have to get different kinds of pissed yeah
yeah angry black old guy horny Indian guy that can't that hasn't figured out how to get a girlfriend. He's so horny. He can't even scam a grandma
Yeah, yeah, he's fucking mad
podcast the podcast fan grievance
Show I would watch that dude an hour an hour of a show and it's just a Midwestern
couple in their late 50s trying to untangle Christmas lights and
then they plug them in and none of them work.
Oh my god.
The I hate my wife show would be great.
Well plug it in a different way.
I watch these like things on YouTube.
What other fucking way am I supposed to plug it in?
What other fucking way?
Just me smiling at home eating rotten salsa
Perfect evening to have gastric
Distress to they pull out the ornament and a bunch of them are broken. I love I love it I call them away. He's bad. Yes
It makes me feel like there's a tiny little woman tied up on train tracks in my colon somewhere
You have to shit bad and there's a giant there's a giant feel good damn the runner over
Oh my and there's a guy dick dad my penis is has a top hat and a big mustache and he goes yes
Well, this woman's about to be run over by a big piece of shit
That's what I think of when anytime I hear gastric distress.
You know the train tying someone up on the train tracks?
That's from Broadway.
No, it's from Dick Dastardly.
It's from Dick Dastardly, the cartoon character.
Is it?
I didn't think it was a real thing.
I didn't think that in the back in the old times, they were like.
I read that it started in live theater, like a guy did it,
and then everybody started stealing it from him
That's but it's such a Jewish guy again. It's such a bizarre crime
It's back to the gynecologist thing if you were a serial killer you would just murder the woman in her house
Mm-hmm, you wouldn't tie her up and take her all the way to a train the train like oh, let's see what happens
That's why these these heroes are always getting away
Who because they're like, you know, like a hero in a thing.
Cause they like are like, okay, well here's your demise.
And then they leave and then they escape.
I don't understand that.
You know what I mean?
Like you just gotta kill them.
The hero is getting away?
You're sure it's like Dr. Evo Austin Powers.
He's like, oh, I'm gonna like.
I thought he was the good guy in that movie.
Which one?
Austin Powers III.
The love guru is the good guy. Yeah, that's a good movie. That's in that movie. Which one? Austin Powers III. The Love Guru is the good guy.
Yeah, that's a good movie.
That's a Canadian movie.
Yeah.
It takes place in Toronto.
Yeah, you know it's not real because there's
a black hockey player in it.
In The Love Guru.
There's black hockey players in NHL.
Like seven.
And there's, yeah, there's six. Are you a Canucks fan? No. Were you there for the riot? Like seven. And they're sick.
Are you a Canucks fan?
No.
Were you there for the riot?
Yeah.
Was it sick?
It was crazy.
There's that one picture of a guy getting
pussy during the riot.
You know the famous one?
It's like the World War II kissing the nurse thing.
V-Day.
That's so funny that the whole city rioted because they lost oh they lost yeah they lost so they started like
flipping cop cars really and you were saying cut it out Chinese guys it was a
Chinese right no no no it was a boxer rebellion oh you always get the
Vancouver Stanley Cup riot confused with the Boxer Rebellion
The Boxer Rebellion was when it Holyfield's ear got bit off
Huh nothing
It seemed like it was a question for you
The Boxer Rebellion is when Holyfield's ear got cut off, why would that be the Boxer Rebellion?
So was a nice when Holyfield's ear got cut off. Why would that be the Boxer Rebellion? Because it wasn't nice when he got his ear.
And they were mad that he got bit.
He was like, this is the last time I box.
I see how he got to it.
Yeah.
Thanks, bro.
I guess it's because of the word boxer.
Yeah.
That's his boxing record.
It was really at level one.
It takes place in China.
So if you're going to do a boxer rebellion joke,
you would say, is that when the boxers finally rose up
and refused to be eaten?
And you're referring to the dog.
The dogs.
That's much better.
That's level two joke.
I did a level one.
They don't really box over there.
They do karate.
Basically boxing.
Did you learn martial arts growing up?
No.
You seem like you did.
I didn't.
That is kind of a pipeline, like the kid
that did martial arts until 18 years old to winger pipeline.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're just thinking of the guy from Step by Step,
which I watched an hour long What Happened to Cody
from Step by Step video.
I don't know what step by step
is. Step by step was a sitcom, like a family sitcom that like for whatever reason people
just don't remember it. It was as big as Full House was basically. It was with Suzanne Summers
no? Yeah. Yeah. And Patrick Duffy. They play the parents. So what happened to Suzanne summers, by the way, she died
because she had breast cancer when she was
Madeline like 30 years ago. She had breast cancer and
She had to get part of her you know, you know mastectomy like a partial mastectomy
They removed the breast tissue and then she was in remission and then at age like
73 she like wanted she didn't want breast implants. She wanted to like naturally regrow her tits
So she did like experimental stem cell surgery because even at 73 she was like I get my big-ass fucking titties back
That's what I mean that kind of I'm gonna get my big fucking titties back
You know what even is the purpose of being alive? Yeah, right?
But it just made the cancer grow
Cancer came back from the stem cells. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
that's a sort of a
An Icarus story. Yeah, she flew too close to the big flu clue to the low she flew too close
Flew too close to the big titties. That's it. Yeah. Hmm. I
Love tip would you ever do any stem cell stuff? Uh, yeah, I do all the time. Oh you do like what?
vaping
It's got mad stem cells in there
The Chinese have been putting it in there. I actually heard that, that they were like proposing,
they were proposing like that as a distribution method
of stem cells in the future, like vaporizer.
I heard it on a-
What do you mean a distribution method?
I don't fucking know.
I think my father told me that on the phone the other day.
He asked me if I was still vaping. I don't understand what stem cells are why they're supposed to be bad
It's a baby like a baby. Yeah, not necessarily
Your body has your body has stem cells that you can it generates all the time
Like that's just a classification of cells doesn't have to necessarily be from like an embryo. I think it's a baby's peepee
The people are like rich people are drinking them to get strong
Adrenochrome, that's what they say people are sucking off babies. Yeah, Hillary does it all the time
Apparently and what was that other drug they said she was doing kuru
No, it's not a disease you get from, she had a disease from eating crap or something?
From drinking blood.
I don't know enough about Hillary.
Well, it's not your problem.
You're not a citizen of our country?
No.
So you're like, did you migrate here?
You have an O1 visa.
Yeah, but I'm applying for a green card.
That's so funny, dude.
You remember Libby Watson
Yeah, Libby Watson got deported at some point or she was at risk of getting deported
She's our friend or I haven't talked to her in a decade, but she'd start a friend. She's a journalist
She's from the UK
So she came here and she had to get like the work kind of visa
You know, it's like an h1 or HB or whatever the fuck it is.
But you have to get, she had to get a work visa and she's a talented journalist. So she
gets a job at a company and this was like 2014 or something. So it was when like all
of these like online media companies were folding or whatever. So I think her, her employer
just went out of business and then she's at risk of being deported because you can't,
you can't get a new, like she would have to find employment Then get them to do all like you have to get a whole new visa for a different company
You know you can't just meanwhile like if you can get an o1 visa for being just like the shittiest
Yeah, for yes to come here to be a racist open mic er you can just fucking come here
You can come here and go on stage and just say the n-word
well You can just fucking come here you can come here and go on stage and just say the n-word Well, you do have to like do so much shit in the oh one to like prove that you like you have to have press or like
Whatever and like so you can go on stage and just say the end yes
Yeah, and you can say it's comedy that we then press and then yeah, right
Somebody will be like look at this racist and then you hand it over to the US government
It's government. So they're like I like this. Yeah, right. That's good. Come here. Yeah, yeah.
You get this in here.
Salon.com most racist stand-up set of all time.
Yeah.
Check out this Canadian.
That's a good idea, honestly.
You should have told her to do mics.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
It's just a very, it's funny how immigration
is just so fucked up.
And that's a problem I have with immigration. I so fucked up and that's but that's the problem
I have with immigration. I mean also you're handing out the old ones too easily
I mean you also like give it even when you're going back into the the country into the US with your like
Visa you're at the discretion of the TSA agent like at the border or the immigration. They don't like your attitude
Yeah, they don't like you they won't let you in
Oh, really that happening to people did you have to send clips to the government to prove?
No, I
Came in pre-clip you came in pre-clip. I came in pre-clip. Yeah, but I applied for the green card, so
What do you have to do for that?
Just like the same thing over again and just give money. Basically, it's a cash grab.
Yeah.
Really? How much does it cost?
You should have come in illegally. You should have gone down to the southern border and
just walked over.
Yeah, coyote.
You'd have a debit card right now. From my understanding, they'd let you live in the
mayor's fucking house.
You get $100,000 from the government, apparently. That's what I heard on Tucker.
Right.
Really? Yeah, they just give you a, they just give you a million dollars. You get to just move into somebody's house in Staten Island. If you're
a hardworking blue collar Italian policeman slash construction worker, you get their house.
Being a coyote is so cool. It's a cool name. We were talking about it in the last episode.
Oh were you? It is so cool. I rewatched the car. I was like damn it's so cool. It's a cool name. We were talking about it the last episode. Oh, were you it is so cool I rewatched the car. I was like damn. It's so awesome. It's weird. That's also what I said
Yeah, it's a sick movie. It's so I mean, it's just a even the sequel is good day of the soul characters
Yeah, yeah, they dealt solar data. It is just a for the fellas style movie. It's so for the fellas. Yeah
Yeah, it's like a...
I mean, cause Emily Blunt is like the only woman in that and like just horrible things happen to her
and she's confused the whole time.
She doesn't know what's going on and then she just gets like choked.
It's realistic.
Be honest with you, I haven't seen Sicario since it came out.
I don't really remember.
I just remember how you find out Benicio del Toro is a...
He's a hitman.
Sick. That's what Sicario means yeah and it's
weird that they didn't know him bother translating that the entire movie I know
I had to look up after I was like what the hell if you go if you speak Spanish
and you watch that movie there's no surprise twist at the end yeah right
it's in the title it'd be like a Wars, it'd be like Star Wars was called Darth Vader S Luke Skywalker Del Padre, you
know? Like that was just the title of it. And you're like, ooh, what is this weird Spanish
space movie? I have no idea what could possibly happen in this. It doesn't make any sense
still. And then the scene where exactly. Oh my god, he's his, so he's his father? So
he's his dad. Oh, that's what Darth Vader S, SL Padre Del Luke Skywalker. god. He's so he's so he's is that oh, that's what Darth Vader
SL Padre del Luke Skywalker
I thought it was me. Ho. I thought it was just weird Spanish bullshit nonsense Darth Vader was
I thought sicario is just one of those nonsense Mexican words like Chicano or yeah or
Tacos Belgrond a I had no idea that it was the surprise twist at the end. It's sort of like a rosebud situation.
Did you see the White Hitman movie with Michael Fassbender?
I saw it.
No, what's that?
It's like a...
Oh, no, but...
It's the Fincher.
He's narrating in his head the whole time.
It's about being a filmmaker or something.
It's not even...
I mean, there's like a joke in it where he makes a wordle joke. I want to see it. I really want to joke about wordle in it
I rewatched seven recently. I also rewatched the Schindler's List was on TV. I told Adam this yesterday
I've not seen Schindler's List in a very long time. You watched it with commercials. No
I've mixed any he thought it was hilarious. Well, it is there's very funny. So there's a scene in Schindler's List
There's a scene in Schindler's List, there's a scene in Schindler's List where, so Schindler
owns all these Jews I guess, which the whole story is absurd to me because
he's a guy who's a Nazi Party member who goes to Poland when they invade Poland
and he's like I can get cheap slave labor and I won't even do any, I won't
even be the guy running the business
I'll get slave Jews to run the business
See how they and I'm just gonna get pussy and he brings it the idea to Ben Kingsley and Ben Kingsley is like
So we do all the work and you do nothing and he's like that's exactly right
He's like your options are that or the fucking Holocaust and then he's like okay
I guess we'll do this and then he doesn't do anything eventually he sees the liquidation of the Warsaw get us
He's like wow, I think this Holocaust thing might be kind of bad
But imagine that being your breaking point is watching children being lined up and shot prior to that everything else fine
I always thought that the end of the story he's it well, that's what I'm getting real life is like
That's what I'm getting to it is like that's what I'm getting to at the end
They're all like thank you. I would imagine half of the people were like no let's kill this. Let's kill this guy
Yeah, it's not way. Nobody likes no way all of them were like oh this guy's a hero
Yeah, I think like at the end. He was like oh, and I did it to help you. Yeah, no basically
Record revenue right yeah, no he's. Otherwise record revenue. Right. Yeah. No, he's like,
oh, I got to sold more stuff. I guess they gave him a ring and a letter, but Gandhi was
in it. Anyways, the thing that was funny to me, the man's versatile. The thing that was
funny to me is I had forgotten the scene was in it, but like he hit all of the, uh, his,
there's a scene where they closed down basically. so he had a factory in Warsaw, and then they
close down the ghetto and they open a prison labor camp.
And so they take all of his workers and bring them into the prison labor camp.
Then he has to negotiate to create his own camp attached to his factory, so that he can
have the workers back.
And then that closes and then they're all sent off.
So he has another labor camp that he like moves his factors here or something like that but
some of his workers end up on the train to Auschwitz so they go to Auschwitz so
he has to go to Auschwitz to get them back by bribing the fucking commandant
or whatever and then it's Auschwitz you know like the scene prior to this is the
gas chamber scene you know where they all all the women think that they're gonna be
They all think they're gonna be gas chambered and then they're it's like oh, thank God
It's just a shower and then they go outside and then they see the other line and those guys are going to the gas chamber
we just see the smokestack and then it's the morning after and
Oscar Schindler showed up to get his Jews back from Auschwitz and he's just
dressed like fucking dolemite he's got he's got like a big like dark winged
duck hat on and it's like the 1940s so you know he's got a big fur coat on and
like leopard print scarf and stuff and it's just he looks like he looks like
it's a cat William specials in now she was yeah, where my Jews is like American gangster where they're like, dude, don't you don't go too big?
Yeah, you're you're showing off. Yeah, don't show off too much
Mm-hmm. It's just very funny to imagine because that probably happened. You probably went to Auschwitz dressed like a pings of comedy. Yeah
You think the ghettos during the Holocaust is why you're
so comfortable with appropriation because it was like ghetto. His family wasn't there.
No no we missed it. Well no I mean some of my family was none of them. No they were all
podcasting on a plantation in South Africa. They were so no a lot of people in my family died
Yeah, for sure. I don't know name name one
well times up
My mom's dad's sister's all of my mom's dad's
Hear that she wasn't gay
He was married to a woman. That's his answer
He was married to a woman's dad's that's married to a woman who sent him to an early grave
Look, I'm not that I know Holocaust, but I am denying that Adam lost any family members that part of the Holocaust
I will deny I think that's an absolute lie. What and that makes you happy to do that
Yeah, I mean yeah 20th century's darkest moment
No, Nick. I wish five million nine hundred ninety nine. How many did you say the freelance were inflated? Yeah, they were they
Yeah, they were you know, actually in South Africa my my grandfather's brother who my dad's named after
He was in the your dad's name is grandpa's brother
This guy I don't think he has a family. This motherfucker has his eyes about everything.
I have a family. I have parents.
What do you think I was like a boxcar kid?
He is cutting you up right now.
No, I'm saying you weren't a boxcar kid. That's my exact point.
You said that I don't have a family.
Okay, but...
How did I get by? First of all I get by just completely missing an excellent joke?
Just completely really funny
I laughed hard vulnerable I got yeah, it was a fear laugh. It was
For you you're like. I hope he doesn't come for Canada next I hope he does first they came for the Jews next they came for
the
my stomach does. First they came for the Jews, next they came for the Seek to My Stomach Fom. Nobody in America knows anything bad that Canada has done because your education system is so bad.
It's nice that Canada just gets to like sneak in. Every time we go to war, Canada just gets to send
their own guys to just commit atrocities and Canada catches no smoke for that. None. Yeah.
They were all over Iraq and Afghanistan.
Also, also can I just say that like, but we were in World War II and World War I before the US.
Yeah. So we were trying to help.
You're part of England.
Yeah. We're commonwealth.
We're commonwealth. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are like, but you had like slightly different outfits.
You had like more of a, it was kind of like Scottish style Scottish style you had berets and so my grandfather was in Italy during World
War two yeah he was a scout on a motorcycle he had a Nazi helmet that he
took back he worked for Mussolini no he was killing Italians oh so yeah my
grandfather motorcycle my grandfather's pretty sick there's like a sick-ass
photo he had my grandfather's brother was stationed in Italy too and he
was a gunner on a like a plane a bomber British bomber and when we were doing the podcast
during covid there was a picture of him behind me and like a star was like who's that your
boyfriend or something I was like no it's the only hero that in my family tree ever
is this guy that died in the RAF in World War two and some guy that listened to the
show found out how he died
He felt like search the military records like my family like didn't know yeah
He like flew a second shift for someone after like I think some guy wanted to get pussy off an Italian girl
And he's like can you fly my next shift? Hell? Yeah
It is so hack that is that is kind of how you know you're getting older is like the
The like World War two of it all like liking World War two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
Like I watched the Masters of Air see people say that people say that but it's like I think I always liked World War two
I don't think it's like I definitely would have been you liked aspects of it
No, I like the I've always thought he's
it's just history yeah you got to hear both sides out no um those airplanes are
nuts where they had like six guys it's crazy that everyone they're getting
shot up in them yes everyone died every well they don't die about the hundred
it's also crazy that they don't die. Yeah. They all parachute out and then go to POW camp and then do Hogan's Heroes and have like laughs with the Commandant.
I think the getting into World War II thing, I think that's true for boomers because they didn't do anything except like...
Like World War II.
Invent AIDS and then fucking steal all the money.
So they get old and they're like, oh we've led these like hedonistic lives and destroyed the world. And, uh, but our dads, but our dads did something. So maybe
I'll just become obsessed with world war two and, and pretend that I did something instead
of just be a horrible fucking parasite, which is that entire generation. Makes sense. Honestly.
Yeah. Yeah, it does. It does make sense. So we're not going to gonna have like what is a millennial midlife crisis
You're not buying a fucking Mustang and like you can't afford anything. Yeah, right. Oh these prices. It's crazy these days
So yeah, I think it's I think that's more of a boomer thing
I don't think did you have you suddenly become into World War two?
No, did you see a TV show that was good that happened to be, you know? Sure, yeah.
I mean, I mean, I mean the earliest one is like what?
Saving Private Ryan and then Band of Brothers. So it's like, yeah, I was a kid when I watched those I was like this is awesome
Yeah, and then Call of Duty. Yeah
Yeah, when that when Call of Duty was good, that's our culture. That was our culture. That's how we were raised
Life is beautiful. You ever see that? Yeah, Roberto Benigni
Yeah, great movie a lot better than Schindler's List. I was gonna say this is much better than Schindler's List
Yeah, and if you've repeated the argument to me multiple times
He kept telling me about this argument between him and Noah about what Holocaust movie I texted my Jewish friend
I said I'm down to watch Schindler and he's like it's like a Disney movie
Holocaust movie. Well Adams favorite
He's the boy in the straight pajamas. Mm-hmm because the boy element
Yeah
It's like a pedophilia joke. Yeah
He said he said the liar. He said I really like to see the boy out of the striped pajamas.
That's the sequel.
I said, that's the sequel.
That's the sequel.
What I'd love to see.
Either way, kid, we're going to camp.
Yeah.
It's crazy that Jews love going to camp so much.
And that has never been talked about before.
Everyone talks about it.
I like it.
I like just sliding the couple.
Everyone slides the couple.
You'd love to go somewhere where you get sucked off.
Camp, you get sucked off.
Well, because we're so ugly.
Birthright, you get sucked off.
Because we're so ugly.
And our parents are putting us into sex tourism
so that we marry our cousins.
Have you seen Auschwitz?
Have you gone to any of the death camps?? Have you gone Danny? I didn't do it
I didn't do I kind of want to go
You know
There it's what's that do tasks fest at Auschwitz? No, I wouldn't go with you
Why wouldn't you go with me because you would ruin the experience? What are you talking about? I'd walk
I'd do my own tour, but we'd like we sit on the plane together saying stuff you beat you'd be oscillating between
Trying to be funny and embarrassing me
I wouldn't be trying to be funny that your whole thing is trying to be funny about out shows well
I don't need to try to be funny motherfucker. I don't find it. I don't find your I don't wish I don't find it funny
It's the to be funny
But you would yeah, you I wouldn't make jokes about yes, you would know I would snickering and then and then you'd be crying
He would be we one or the other he'd be a go rapidly
But I think it'd be fair to say it'd be nice probably for you to have him here because the jokes would be a defense mechanism
Comedy is a way is he lost so much of his comedy is a means of dad dad
No, there'd be a guy there with the book. They'd be like, I'm sorry
What's your name?
Comedy cuz we got an iPad right here first of all my mom's dad
No, it looks like second of all second zero nothing
We're checking we have to go with me then and we can see it we can look at the document and this man was snickering
I was not snickering family was playing fucking comedy is a I don't know if you've seen comedy is a defense mechanism
That's where this way would be I'm sure the open mice I'm sure the open mics in the Warsaw ghetto were worse
In history, I'm sure everyone was doing like I heard a Holocaust survivor speak. We went for a school trip
I heard one come to my school in elementary to there's a Holocaust Museum in
Vancouver that Nathan Fielder now funds basically oh cuz of the that seems disrespectful to me
Why I don't think Nathan Fielder should be funding a Holocaust music doesn't that sound like kind of because he was wearing
It's like it's the Holocaust Museum brought to you by the Ringling Brothers
Yeah
Remember this story and the guy who created that is a Holocaust denier
Yeah, then you met he made like us
Feels like kind of disrespectful that a clown is of course sponsoring the Holocaust. It's also it's like how
Bozo brings you the Holocaust. How sad is it that a clown has to do that?
But if it's any clown, it should be Jerry Lewis. Mm-hmm. When does that movie come out? It's like soon, right?
Oh, it's like public domain or something like 2028
I was Jerry Lewis Jerry Lewis made a movie where he plays a clown that gets sent to Auschwitz and he like makes all the children
It never came out. Yeah in the gas chambers. It's kind of like what Johnny Depp does
What do you mean? No, you're thinking of Pirates of the Caribbean. No, Johnny Depp
he goes he goes dressed he goes dressed up to like dying kids and is
And he's like I'm cousin Jack Sparrow. They've like never seen it
Really? Well, it's like kids now. They haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean. They probably have
You think a five-year-old kid with mesothelioma
seen Pirates of the Caribbean?
I would hope so.
Yeah, I would have probably got it from the movie theater.
Probably got it from all the asbestos in the movie theater.
In his rings.
What do five-year-olds get in mesothelioma?
I don't know.
I thought that was only like guys that did like,
have to like do building demo and fucking like break technicians from 30 years ago who's getting I thought popcorn I just like
the word oh you know what I mean me so Theloma I mean there's also like the
other cancer the I like the sound of the word is sarcoma yeah that's a good one
what's your favorite these are all names you remember from Italian church
as a child My favorite cancer. I was like in church so many towns and I was like, why are we going here?
It's just Italian father Rossi
What you say you you like they were repugnant to you you found them?
No, I just was like I'm blonde and these people all have dark hair
So you judge them for their complexion walk, but you know what I mean?
I just didn't get it. It felt Italian. It felt like we were doing something
We weren't supposed to do I would get into it if I were you. I mean I got confirmed
Sebastian's my confirmation name like Sebastian Maniscalco. Yeah, like I realized the other day cuz I was like in church
I realized the other day Sebastian Maniscalco might be the highest paid Italian in the entire world
He's got more money than burlesconi I think he might be if you think about it
He might be the highest grossing Italian person. He's the goat. Yeah, I want Sebastian
Last year like Adam ruins everything no Sebastian like, you know how he's always like,
why would you do that?
But he's just explaining stop signs.
And we're just like, yeah.
I worked with him once a decade ago.
I doubt he remembers me.
But I would like him to have the flagship show
on the Pissed Off Network.
He'd be great.
He would be great.
He'd be great on TPC. he'd be great on on TPC right and
he could just do the end why the hell is sir speed bump here why sir speed bump
on the wrong right here it's kind of Joe Barrett that's sort of how Joe yeah Joe
Joe I guess pair is para Italian was What is that? He may know what a secret. He loves tomatoes. Yeah
Wow, I like that. I want us to make her
Kiss me. Yeah
He'd never fall asleep joe joe para sebastian is is too loud
He can't go to sleep. It would be cool to see those guys sewn together surgically at the back. Yeah
Those guys sewn together surgically at the back. Yeah, and we have to take turns Wearing twins take turns wearing each other as a backpack. We were talking about conjoined twins last night. You ever hear about this?
Yeah, well Lewis wanted to bring up I did Legion of Skanks that lady got married. He had to spend yeah
Yeah, we had to talk about that and I bet you can imagine you how that went on Legion of Skanks
Yeah, yeah Just asking how she sucks dick. I guess of course I bet you can imagine how that went on Legioness Gangs. Yeah. Yeah.
Just asking how she sucks dick, I guess.
Of course.
I mean, everyone's thinking it.
But it's also, no.
But also, I can imagine it.
Is your mind that lacking in spatial reasoning
that you can't just imagine a two-headed woman sucking cock?
And it's always presented as like, what the hell?
How the hell does that work well
I used to want to fuck the the
The cartoon monsters ink girl with the all the snake hair
Really what does that have to do with was that well the snakes all have their own little heads, okay?
So I would it'd be like a bunch of snakes also like sucking off while she's sucking you off
Mm-hmm, and I thought that as a child you only have one penis. Yeah, but I don't know. They're just like lightly biting
one of my favorite
Reddit stories
Nibbling sounds as nice as you could have put it lightly biting. I would love to have some light biting
You remember that guy on reddit that that he posted he had two dicks
Yes, of course, but he did it was very good at Photoshop
So it made it look real like he had two dicks and then he got caught because he was making the dicks bigger
He got too greedy
Icarus Icarus too too greedy yeah he's just like
fucking Susanna Summers. Wigorous. That would be a cool story about a guy that just he's like
yo I'm gonna say it I think I earned the right I'm gonna just try and drop it oh
my god don't you think that's what happened to Jamie Kennedy though?
He didn't say it. No but he wasn't even a Wigger he did that movie Malibu's Most Wanted. No he did so
many movies like that that that just became his thing and then eventually people were just done with him.
How many movies did he just say? It's just that movie.
No, there's a bunch of movies. There's no name them. There's a movie where he's in a coma.
He's in a breakdancing group as a kid and then he hits his head because he tries to do a backflip.
You're thinking if you've got served it's not Jamie Kennedy.
No, and then he and then he stomped the yard the yard is not Jamie coma and he wakes up years later
Save the last day is like break dancing again. No, that's
Yesterday the Indian Beatles movie Indian guy
We know movies you don't know movies I know cinema
weren't allowed to go to
Go to fucking the movie theater
Yeah, your town banned movies. Yeah, I love the way they say things weird in Canada
Maybe later tonight. We'll have have movie
After we take dinner we'll have movies don't have movie tonight we could go tomorrow
tomorrow
Tomorrow movie tomorrow we can have movie tomorrow after we take dinner together
The drive is in the news tomorrow and then go to the movies
We're gonna have beans tomorrow and then go to the movies
Grade 2 is so stupid
Grade 2?
They don't even learn school in school
Dude they said it wrong
They don't learn how to say school
They don't even say that on the show, Gav
Grade 2 What are you, De's embarrassing you even said that on the show, Gab. Grade two.
What are you, DeGrosse, dude?
Come on.
You ever see Bo Burnham's grade eight?
What bad stuff did Canada do?
You said that earlier.
War of 1812, is that?
No, that's good.
We won.
We beat America.
Yeah, you burned DC.
The French and Indian War did Canada?
Well, I mean, we assimilated an entire culture
of First Nations people in the residential schools,
which was just kind of a big...
What is the bad stuff?
Did Canada help Britain burn down the capital?
That was 1812, yeah, I think they did.
But it was Britain at the time.
Yeah.
They weren't even Canada.
They killed a bunch of First Nation people.
I don't care about that.
Buried them under schools.
That is none of my damn business.
Sounds about white.
Yeah.
Look, first of all, the last I cared about them
They had baseball teams named after them that you take that away. Well now I'm not gonna learn whoop
I don't know who you talking about now
All the teams are last thing and the last thing reminding me of these people was chief Wahoo has been yes
Yeah, chief Wahoo chief Wahoo and now that that's gone, I don't know anything about, I've never heard of-
Well maybe you need to shut the fuck up and watch the new True Detective.
Which I didn't even watch season three.
I didn't even watch season two.
I've only seen the first season.
That's bad.
How about that for first peoples?
That's the first peoples I fuck with is fucking Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrells.
And those tits dude.
Bro, he was so crazy.
He was talking about time.
It's a flat circle.
I don't understand that part at all.
It's crazy.
It is funny.
I mean that's how you know that's the strength of a television maker is that's why I think Sons of Anarchy
Is like one of the best shows ever made?
Yeah, because it's like that show gets so stupid. It's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. They're also like it's great television
Yeah, you're like they're bikers are not this smart
And I know a couple a they're not smart. It's like a couple a day this show
But they're not smart. It's like the show
H.a. Hell's Angels. Hell. Yeah. Yeah, so do we were best show is like can't talk written We can't talk either. Yeah, the show is like written like can't talk about a motorcycle wrote it
I mean, it's not it doesn't seem like a smart show
It's really goes to like Ireland because his baby is stolen this by Irish people steal his baby
Like the Lucky Charms guy. That's what happens. That's the season cliffhanger
Charms steals his baby next big sex traffic next season
The season ends with them riding the motorcycles onto a cargo plane
I know they and then the next season opens with them riding, so they ride the motorcycles to Ireland, literally.
They ride them off, and now the theme song is different.
It's like,
Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I have like fucking bagpipe like Drop kick Murphy, like drop kick Murphy's music.
, you know they're in Ireland now.
For the entire season.
But then also when their their home base is in like Texas
No, it's not north
Northern Canada or Northern, California, yeah, they're redwood. That's what's a really Texas Sam Crowe stands for
What is it Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood original? So they're from Redwood, California. That's where the club stars Wow, I've watched every single episode
sons of anarchy I
I've seen Charlie Hunnam once in person. He was driving a car beside me. It's one of Nick's best friends. I worked with him
Yeah, they were calling. Oh right on that on the boxing movie. Yeah, I was a consultant
Uh-huh as a fighter and they got along famously
There was a mess up in the paperwork and I love when a boxer doesn't want to do it
The boxer rebellion, you mean the boxer?
He's like I can't do this anymore
There's the reluctance to box like it a boxers and movies are always the dumbest guys, but then they always have a
Lot of heart honor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but what was a boxing movie where they don't want a box anymore
There's that one. There's I don't know. He does not that I mean that's it's that the wife doesn't want them to box
No, that's not the part of the white
No, but it's always in a boxing movie like the that the wife is like if if you go out there one more time
I'm I'm out of here. I'm gone and then she always shows up and then she comes back and he's like fighting it
He's our love you, babe. Yeah. Yeah, that's Cinderella man. That's Rocky. Yes, pretty much everyone. Yeah
And that's that's you know
Girls don't know what they're talking. I still haven't seen million dollar, baby
They did not have to put that stool out like that movie. So awesome, dude
That would be so sad put that stool out. I'm so awesome dude that movie so sad put that stool out
I'm like you slow old man like pull that out. Yeah pull that back out
It was a physical comedy. She kills herself by biting her tongue. That's awesome. It's really sad. I found a YouTube channel yesterday
That's just a guy that's like hey guys. It's fucking it's called like brave wilderness or something
And this is the theme of the channel. I'm assuming only watch one video
He's like we're out here in the Arizona desert and tonight. I'm gonna find a blonde
Tarantula in Arizona blonde back tarantula
It's the biggest spider in Arizona, and I'm gonna have it bite me to see if that hurts worse
Then he's like now that we're here the route at night. They go out hunting at night. There's a lot of stuff
There's rattlesnakes and scorpions this This motherfucker's just it's dark. It's nighttime
It's dark time. He's out there and he's finding he's like he finds he's like, okay
This is a rattlesnake and he's just fucking like picking up with a hook and moving it and then he's like
Oh look, look at this fucking scorpion and he picks up the scorpion by the stinger. He's like, yeah
He's pinching me and it's like this it's produced
Well, I mean it's crazy since the stuff people are doing on YouTube now is insane. It's like completely surpassed television
He's picking up this fucking scorpion. This is not even the point of the video, and then he's just like he's like all right
Well enough of this fucking thing tosses it aside finds a giant spider
I mean the things like the size of a softball and
He's like okay. This is good, and he just sort of picks it it up and he's saving it for the morning and then he finds an even bigger
one he's like I'm gonna have them both this one's male this one's female I'm
gonna have them both bite me to see guys we got to do a bite comparison and then
yeah right and then it's like the next day he's like oh she's pissed look at
her and then he gets to the spider and they have it up close and he's fucking
putting it on his hand and he it bites him and he's like Ah fuck he's like yeah, it didn't really look like I got enough
Venom here. Let's try it again, and then he does it again the fucking things teeth go into his hand
He's like okay. Yeah, she got me good all right
He's like I got the Epi pen here in case anything bad happens and then he has a problem
Yeah, no, it's insane the stingray guy and then
he gets the the male spider yeah what's it the Australian guy yeah Steve
Erwin he gets but those that's excusable because when you hear an Australian
act when you see a man harassing animals with an Australian accent you're like
well this man is barely above the animals right this is a fucking this is
basically another species yeah
right exactly so it's it doesn't bother me any more than those videos of monkeys
pulling a tiger's tail sure that's what that's Steve Irwin like like which put
them down there and didn't give him any books right seeing Steve Irwin wrestle
an alligator is like watching debate club for me it's not like you know this
is too great but this guy sounds normal
and he grew up in like a normal society.
Yes.
To then where he, he maybe got bit by a bug once
and he was like, this is it.
Yeah, right.
Rare to find your calling like that.
And then he gets the male tarantula
and the male one won't bite him,
even though it's stronger.
And he's like, see, that guy,
that just goes to show you guys is,
they're more afraid of us than we are of them
And it's like well you could have said that I don't
Like I don't think you need to make a video where you go out into the desert and have dangerous giant spiders bite
Also look at the men in every species of the male showing such patience. Yeah and grace
Yeah, we just note that yeah, then you go to the common women bite
Yeah, the comments are like biting no logic
No logic, and it's a bunch of it's a bunch of people being like thank you. This really helped me for what well
They all had blonde tarantulas at home. They're about to get they were like I was afraid of spider
They were like I was afraid of spiders in this helped me. I'm like. I don't know what help means
I don't understand human psychology
I don't know it's a crazy what people respond to and then you look further
And then the other half of the comments are like why isn't coyote on the channel anymore?
It's like well. They had a falling out behind the scene. It's just everything yes
There's just a drama about like the brave this making spiders bite you
Everything is just this and it's all literally all the fault of the Anthony
or the opiate Anthony subreddit.
Those guys have those guys have because there's this thing like 4chan led to Trump, right?
And now there's maybe a similar overlap between 4chan and the open Anthony subreddit.
But the style of subreddit that the opening Anthony community created is now
That's everything it's like agent Smith. It's just that's fucking internet cultures people way too deep into whatever
Community not even community. It's a fucking thing people just make garbage for the internet. It's content
You should not it's just crap. You should just say this is shit and then go do something else. That's why
Yeah, why did why why are we not seeing coyote being bitten by spiders as much as we used to it's because he fucked
Dangerous Dan's wife or something
I don't know idea what the drama is
But there's all these people trying to dig into this and they have all of these levels into it
They're mad at him and it all started there But it's like this all has to like this
There's a velocity to all of this and it's like what is the political?
like downstream
Culmination of the because we're gonna get fucking we're going to get the open Anthony subreddit president
And it's not Donald Trump. Red bar is gonna be present. It might be. I think we got a Karl Rove Redbar. We might.
I don't see him as president. I see him as like a Dick Cheney type and there'll be a stooge.
Yeah, we gotta get a real we got a Lewis president. Yeah, Redbar vice president. Shane Gillis president
Mike David fucking chief of staff being like let's go to war with
Canada
staff like let's go to war with Canada red bar signing off on a on a country
address telling telling us he's always
watching a country address with a country
address state of the Union sure whatever
that I would love it if they call it a
country address you got a study resting
the country I don't fucking know yeah I'm
trying out to resting the country. I don't fucking know. Yeah, um, I got a tune in for the country
Simple easy mistake easy mistake simple. Do you like like David surveillance state? Do you like Justin Prime Minister?
I
Voted for him. He's seen first time
What's crazy is you can just stay prime minister for a long time.
There's no terms.
Really?
Yeah.
And he's young too.
How old is he?
He's got to be like 44?
You could tell me he was 26 and I'd be like, yeah probably.
Yeah.
That sounds right.
He's cool.
Yeah, I mean I vote NDP now.
I don't really like him honestly. Who's that, Neil deGrasse Pryson? Yeah, I mean I vote I vote NDP now. I don't like really like him on the grass pricing
Now the new Democratic Party it's like more left than the liberals because liberals are center in Canada
Conservative parties obviously right wing NDP
NDP
Jagmeet Singh yeah, that's such a funny
I was a good job job and he's a seek guy does he have the yeah yeah yeah yeah he's cool mm-hmm I've heard the name and passing and I'm like I already know enough here
yeah I'm already I mean I want to I want to know the premier of BC but I mean well
no he's not the premier BC but he's the head of the NDP party sounds so NAA DP
yeah coming straight out of W a bc
Okay DP we gotta have him on the show, dude. You know so you vote so you live here, but you still vote in Canada
I don't want him here. So when you call a number, and you're like oh the fucking Indian guy
Thanks, Jack me anybody can vote in there like where they're from like from out of country
It's always funny to me when Canada has like
the freedom Canada guys, they're like,
what about our fucking liberty?
I was like, that's not, that's not.
How like, Alberta wants to separate?
Well, any of, any like.
Alberta wants to become part of the states.
Canadian liberty guys, Canadian guys that are like,
oh about freedom of choice and speech,
it's like, that's not your country, you fucking idiot.
Stop acting like us.
Yeah, Canada actually doesn't have freedom of speech.
You don't have that.
You could, there's this guy-
They're like Canada, what about being able to say whatever you want then leave.
That's not your country.
They're copying us.
There was this like, there's this comic from Quebec and he like made a joke about some
like kid that was on TV that was like disabled.
Yeah, then you gotta go talk to a human rights tribune.
He went to the human rights tribune and he lost.
He went to Guantanamo, Canada took one ton of mo Canada. Yeah, wow none of it got black bags
He was I had a friends to get upset about that
They're like, you know what's happening in the UK if you call a woman a bitch you go to jail and it's like yeah
That's a different country. Yeah that why like why I don't it's funny cuz it does kind of belie like a like a racist
Understanding of the world. They're like, yeah, but it's a white country
Like a like a racist understanding of the world. They're like yeah, but it's a white country
So shouldn't they have white people rules because there's other countries that are first world countries that have
Like restrictive rules. I know and I feel like if the freedom of speech dudes like knew about that other places There weren't freedom of speech. They'd chill out of it. They'd be like yeah. All right. Why am I?
We have it. Yeah, you know we don't I kind of don't give a fuck about it anymore
Yeah, I don't care everything you're always saying you can't say anything anymore. I do I say that all the time
That's all I hear about you. Yeah, I don't think it my understanding is great
I've just never been motivated because I say I say things that are bad
But the intention has always been like, oh be funny if I say this I get banned from this website
are bad, but the intention has always been like, it'll be funny if I say this and I get banned from this website. It's never been like, I should be able to say this.
No, I don't actually think you do. I think there are people that kind of grift in a way
where they're like, you can't say anything anymore, but they just say that and that makes
them money. You know what I mean? Whereas you don't acknowledge it and you just say
whatever you want.
I think I might have to.
And you're hemorrhaging cash.
I think I'm ready to grift. I think I'm ready to right where you're if yeah
Yeah, I don't it's like is there room for that anymore
I feel like I would look like an idiot if you could promise four years ago
You kind of missed the window exactly now if you griff you're like what it's a little late
If you could promise me a hundred million dollars, I would do it. Yeah, I'm not at this time
You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna see how it works out for you in finance
I'll see how it goes. Is that what he's up to? I think so
I think he went on Rogan and said that that he was like dude these squatters are insane. We need to kill homeless people
Yeah, I think he said
Looks like looks like what a squatter does
But in the squad and overatting over some cock.
That's a man you'd find living in your toilet, in the upper tank of your toilet. Hey guys!
And you're like what the fuck are you doing? He's like too late, it's got bad breath.
That's honestly one of the most damaging things you can say about somebody.
It's like of all the shit you can talk about somebody.
You can be like, he was a rapist.
You could be, I could be on here and say like somebody, oh, you actually even raped a woman
and it wouldn't be like, people would be like, well, we got to hear both sides.
If you say somebody's breath stinks, they're like, oh, like oh cuz they know they're like I knew it smells like poo I would
take a vow of silence it is a really embarrassing thing yeah yeah one night
Shane was like no he's like no you're you're drunk you're annoying everyone I
wasn't your breath is awful and then I was like and it new mesh was there, is my breath bad? He's like, I just didn't say it, but
it's horrible. Yeah. It's been horrible all night. And I felt so embarrassed. I wasn't
there for it. Shane called me the next day to tell me. First of all, uh, they were, it
was a Madison square garden for Chappelle's show or something for, yeah. They're supposed
to a Chappelle show. Shane invites Adam. No not me is the Sun did at Shane invites Adam
And then she calls me up the next day to bitch about Adams behavior
I had bad behavior and then but but mention like didn't invite me didn't invite his calls a guy
He exclude deliberately excluded from this big night at Madison Square Garden
And then calls me to be like dude Adam was fucking really embarrassing himself last night
And so I was like oh, I was dude. I were and I was like I was like
Sounds hilarious Shane, and he's like what's the problem, and I'm like that I even have to spell it out
That's like fucking I that I'm just excluded from Nick loves
What you're like because it's like a big like it's like a big thing
You know what I mean like at least he's embarrassing himself somewhere like cool. You know what I mean, right exactly
You know what I mean?
It's not just like it wouldn't you invite war over for dinner and he like him
He's like embarrassing in front of your girl. Yeah, no, so I had Adam at our skybox at the Super Bowl
embarrassed he embarrassed him I'm letting you know who I didn't invite.
Who I said, you were too gay to even come. I assumed you'd embarrass me. So you weren't
even fucking invited. And then he invites Adam. And then Adam of course is drunk. He's
drunk. He ate feces before. I had poo breath. He had fucking poo breath. And then he's going
around saying it was because I had a cigarette
And he's just thinking up the place with his halitosis. It was cuz I had a cigarette meanwhile
I'm at home scrubbing the floors
Uh-huh of my home scrubbing the floors. Yeah, we live together. Do you know that?
one bed
I'm sorry. I haven't spoken to show I haven't spoken to Shane since
Chappelle like old Howard Stern clips on his phone. No
Like a Wardell thing even wait and Shane's telling me all this awful stuff he had to do and I had to pretend like I
Didn't care because I was hurt. Yeah, I had to be like, oh, yeah, man. That sucks. He would yeah, okay
What I don't understand why you're telling me I wouldn't have done that if I was there. I don't want to be there
I'm honestly, I think you know what I think I'm gonna go buy dreamcast. I don't even know what you I don't think I did
Anything that bad? I think the celebrities were fake and bullshit and I don't respect you went up to see that as well
What up to his I never met I didn't go he's like dude that sucks that you got fucking accused of shit
Master of none I didn't and by none we mean, dude, that sucks that you got fucking accused of. I didn't say that. I didn't do that. Master of none. I didn't do that. And by none, we
mean fingering. This is a false accusation. Yeah. You know those happen. I didn't put
any fingers in that woman. I put one fist. The claw. The fist. The fist. Randy. Yeah.
He was doing his ease. Randy. He was doing Randy's. I was telling him, I was like, remember
that Randy joke and I'd said it and he wasn't, he was just looked at his ease. He was doing brandy. I was telling him I was like remember that Randy joke and I'd said it
And he wasn't he was just looked at his phone
He hated it. Yeah, imagine imagine being that annoying but then on top of that your breath is just my breath was bad
I was like like it love it
What kind of crackhead terminology
I'm tweaking that's so funny. That was funny. I'm getting this day after I didn't do that
By the way for the fans. I didn't do that in reality. Yeah, that's what he did. I just had bad breath
That's it. I asked that check. They called a couple of people that were there who said it
Literally everybody that was here dude Travis go everybody
He went up to Travis Scott and fucking put his put his arm around him. It gave him goosebumps
Yeah, every time every time yeah
Where about this kind of I saw Travis got her four months before he was like famous
And he only did 20 minutes because and then I found out later is because the venue didn't have I want to keep
Rolling but I'm a piss and that was on his rider. I want to keep rolling but I'm going to piss. And that was on his rider.
I have to pee too.
I thought we were going to call.
I'll pee after Nick pees.
Bro, I can't believe you fucking did that to Nick.
I didn't do anything to Nick.
And also I invited him.
I also invited him.
Can I just say this?
You didn't do anything to Nick.
You did everything to yourself.
Nick wasn't even there.
So Nick is taking whatever your actions are
and making them his own because he's offended.
He was invited, he's lying in public.
He's lying in public.
You think so?
He does this all the time.
He said, oh, six million's a high number, it's a lie.
Yeah.
They're a higher number, seven million, eight million.
I can see what you were saying about him and Robbie Hoffman a boat
Sorry. Oh, yeah him and Robbie. Yeah him and Robbie are the same
Yeah, it was I'd said it was like my culture is not a costume. Are you Scottish, huh?
Yeah, when Robbie came and did the show is like two dogs smelling each other's asses at the dog park
There's just I'd rather I'd rather smell a dog's ass than your
breath at a Merritt Madison Square Garden. Come on bitch
Randy Randy I'm tweaking tweaking that's funny. That's
really funny as ease that is all guys in his special as
Randy that would have been so so so sorry.
I'm sorry Randy was getting a little head as for pussy Randy doesn't believe in power dynamics
If I take you out for dinner then you better be fucking
That's funny, dude. Yeah, was that the genesis of Indian comics?
Doing blackson was the Randy character specifically is that patient zero of that phenomenon?
No, I don't really think Indian comics do box and outside of like you know
three people that you know I think I think there's a lot of like
different kinds of people I don't want to pigeonhole
Different kinds of people yeah, can you just what kinds of people are there?
White people why people black people yeah
What's up, dude I
Got a peeve. I have to also
you ever wait so long to piss and you piss and then you finally do and it feels like
Feels like you're shitting yourself. I'm shitting. I literally want to feel it right now because I do have you can know guest goes first
Why do you think I'm gonna talk shit, but don't do this this like I have to go to bed
You need to take initiative
Gavin thought you were being serious about that whole made-up story about my breath-smelling and Madison Square Garden
He thought that was a real thing. Well, I guess we're just gonna have to
Shane's story to tell well, it's a lie
Joseph Goebbels said a lie told often enough becomes the truth. And if you're saying this in a
public platform, people are going to actually think I've had breath and stuff like that.
People never knew what he was saying that in reference to. That's why it's always funny
is like people throw that quote around and it's like when did he say this? What preceded
that right beforehand? Like someone was probably like, well, you're like,
aren't you gay?
Yeah, and he was like, if I say I'm not gay
enough, then it's true.
No, he was like, I wasn't, but people kept saying
it, and I was like, fuck it, I'll fuck guys.
Uh huh.
I think that's maybe what happened.
Yeah, we should look into that and see what Hitler's
main propagandists meant by that.
Was that his only job?
Yeah, gossip.
Some of those upper echelon Nazis
really had nothing jobs.
Like who?
Him, kind of.
He was just like, oh, I come up with little stories.
Yeah, headlines.
Yeah.
Yeah, slogans.
Yeah.
He's like a brand consultant.
Yeah.
Man, I got one of those pimples in my earlobe. Uh-huh
Excruciating horrible. Yeah
Well Albert Spear
You know, he was at Nuremberg. Yeah, it is funny that he had to go to jail for doing architecture
Yeah, we've talked about that. Yeah, that's kind of crazy. Uh-huh. Oh
Hey, dude
What? You forgot to wipe nothing
You're just trying to deny the the story no
We're doing a bit. It's like not a big look, you know
Whatever you weren't talking about me. No, you know, I don't care. Is this behind a paywall?
It's gonna be a patreon episode. This is completely which if you have anything to plug. Oh
Yeah, please watch my special. It's
It's good, but it's no one has really seen it. It's on YouTube. It's called progression. It's on all things comedies YouTube. I
Like it. I'm proud of it. Yeah, good job. Thanks. Good job. It's good to
It's good to be proud of things. I guess we all had to do a special
We all had to do a YouTube special
Yeah, I mean I was trying to sell it but it just didn't sell and then it took so long to come out
But you know, it's I didn't I didn't want to because it felt like a thing that you were supposed to do and anytime
There's a thing I feel like I'm supposed to do I'm like, well that doesn't seem right
But then I think about it is that was the only reason I ever did a podcast is because it was yet another fucking thing you just had to do as a comedian.
I mean, I felt like I had to do it because I didn't want to post clips. And I was like,
if I'm going to post clips, I want it to be from an hour where I like worked on things.
Yeah. And then I'll post those because I wanted to at least have like a body of work out there
instead of just like posting standup jokes from like a bunch of different venues. It feels so pointless to like, then have a platform because I don't have a body of work out there instead of just posting stand-up jokes from a bunch of
different venues.
It feels so pointless to then have a platform because I don't have a body of work.
None of that shit matters though.
Because it's like, Adam is always, Adam loves saying body of work.
He's like, you know what matters is a body of work.
Sure.
And it's like, yeah.
I mean, if you're a painter or an author, if you're like, what we do is stupid.
Of course.
You know, it's like,
Also, nobody thinks about,
and nobody, while they're making things,
is like thinking about like,
what they're gonna do when they're done doing it.
So like, people that think about a body of work
are also thinking like, years in advance.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Most comedians are just being like,
I need to do this now, now, now.
Right.
To capitalize on the algorithm.
They don't care.
Yeah.
Damn.
The only person doing cool stuff is Bo Burnham.
Yeah.
He's doing songs about having anxiety.
That really helped.
That sounds awesome.
That really helped me
Oh, did it? Yeah, okay? I haven't seen it is it is it funny?
No, I like to show Zack Stone is gonna be famous on MTV. It's very funny. Yeah, and I like the movie
Great great. Oh great eight. Yeah, very good. Very good. I got a I got a big you were out
I got a big pimple in my earlobe. Oh my god. I I Nick
I I tell you I had a fucking white head in it in mine yesterday
Excruciating no, I let us know it hurts so much. I never had it in there
Yeah
No, I used to get him real bad and then they would calcify and then I would have a hard lump in my fucking earlobe
Yeah, I never had that before. Did you use to pierce your ears that I used to pierce? Yeah
No, I think I just kind of have a vibe of someone that might have pierced something at some point no
Yeah, I had a sting. I think it's I think I'm just oily. Yeah, you've been nosing
No, that's for girls
Adam has an earring. What if I just came back tomorrow with a septum pierced... That would be so random and wacky. That would be so creepy. Yeah, I'm just trying
out being like a depressed girl. Yeah. Yeah. Remember the left ear is the gay one, the
left one is the straight one. Everyone knows that.
Yeah.
You've mixed it up?
This kid Lucas Finnerty used to have a pierced, he pierced the wrong ear.
Yeah.
In school.
What a bitch.
Yeah.
It's funny too because we knew that and I got my ear pierced in second grade and I did
it at Claire's and I went in and I was like, I don't know, I guess the right one, I'm right
handed and the lady thankfully at Claire's was like, no, you don't want it on that side and I was like, I don't know, I guess the right one, I'm right handed. And the lady, thankfully, at Claire's was like,
no, you don't want it on that side.
I was like, why?
I was in second grade, she goes,
because that's the gay, she tells me,
because that's for homosexuals.
And I was like, oh, thank God.
And so I got the left one.
But even in second grade, people knew.
People knew that.
And it's like, so if I got it on the other year,
you would imagine that me in second grade
I'm going around fucking guys
I was cruising in grade two. Yeah. Yeah
See the propaganda is that would we call that like some kind of propaganda?
It's like the member did you ever hear about Sierra the singer that that was like the first person penis
Yeah, they said that she was like
Her mother like those are urban
Myths generational because the generation before is Gen X. They said Jamie the boogeyman Jamie Lee Curtis. Oh, yeah. Yeah
And then every generation they Maryland Manson took his rib
Prince took his rib cage out and it was Marilyn Manson
Cleopatra was a hermaphrodite. Yeah, whose generation was that?
something BC
Whatever, dude, I want it. I wonder if she was actually fire. You think she was fucking she was probably me
She's throwing pussy around the whole globe. She was sorry. Julia Caesar would be pissed about Orange Julius?
Yeah, probably.
It's like annoying, right?
It's a shitty place.
Entire legacy boiled down to like sugary smoothies.
It's embarrassing.
It's like not even like the good new smoothie.
Yeah, it's not Jamba Juice.
Yeah, you like Jamba Juice?
No, I don't like any of the juice places.
You don't like any smoothies?
I have a Vitamix.
I can make a much better smoothie
than any of these fucking places. I have a ninja
Yeah, shit mix is better fucking yeah, Vitamix is the best one on the market you idiot
Vitamix is literally the best one is it really?
Like well, I have a ninja I mean you get the fuck out of here. It's really embarrassing
Yeah, yeah, go back to your phone Come at my my ninja like that. No you you were trying to go you're trying to flex on
I wasn't trying to flex. I was just trying to have a goddamn conversation
Pontiac when we first made money from a Pontiac in years. It's because this continues this morning. That's the point on me
Yeah, it's not it's not accurate. Our old ninja thinks it's a Vitamix
Is it is it grounded up the spinach like that? Huh the Vitamix you still get little tiny spinach
It's the it's the premier product on the market. You could put a stick in there
It'll turn it what is that what smoothie places use a Vitamix? Yes. Yeah fuck no
Sometimes they use a Blendtec. Blendtec is second usually a Vitamix
And so ninjas way down. We know this because when we first made money from come town the three of us all got vitamin
I did not get a vitamin. I did I have it in my house
I have actually was my idea I got a mixer was that I have a KitchenAid mixer
I have one to a stand mixer. Yeah, the only nice appliance
I don't have is I still have because it's for whatever reason
It's like the appliance I've like held on to through my adulthood is a piece of
shit black and decker toaster that works it was like a fucking five dollar eight
dollar toaster I don't like it I don't like I don't use a toaster when I'm
toasting things well you don't need a fancy toad there's no way to make it's
just heating up bread there's not yeah I'd rather heat up bread with butter in
a pan. Interesting.
In like a cast iron.
Yeah. Classic styles.
You're just saying that
because you think girls are listening, dude.
I don't think girls listen to this.
Girls love doing things less efficiently like that.
Like my girlfriend didn't want to get a microwave.
It tastes better to slowly heat the bread and butter
than it does to put it in a toaster.
It's because you're putting butter on it.
Yeah, that's fucking amazing.
I mean, it's not, a toaster doesn't add butter.
You can put butter in a toaster.
You don't have butter. You could do that don't have butter you in a toaster oven
If I just want a fucking tuna salad
If I just want a tuna salad sandwich, I want to toast the bread real quick
I'm doing it in my eight dollar black and decker toaster
You know it's also good as the was the ten dollar black and decker George Foreman ripoff. Let me switch to Adams camera
He just picked his nose and ate it. Come on. We'll just make sure time stamp this and we'll make sure that
switch happens. I heard he was doing that kind of stuff at at msg. He absolutely was.
Walk around with just booger poo poo breath. Yeah he picked his nose well that's how he got the bad
breath. Yeah it was just it's kind of his boogers are the opposite of gum. Yeah he's like people like your breath smells. He's like what do you mean? He picked his nose and got the bad breath. Yeah. It was just a... It's kind of the... His boogers are the opposite of gum. Yeah.
He's like, people are like,
your breath smells.
He's like, what do you mean?
And he took his nose and ate the booger.
What do you mean I just had a booger?
You have to do it the other way.
We have fun, don't we?
I have to do it, you have to do it the other way.
You gotta pick your mouth and put it in your nose
to tell why you stink.
I think things happen and I think,
I think if anyone was your real friend there,
they would have told you in secret.
I'm a talk show host now. Yeah, I'm very well respected these days
Yeah, I respect both of you guys. I respect you too. You're a great comic and people should please go check out Gavin's special
It's very funny
Your special probably has more viewers in this
this show
Until we get the center console and the whole conversion band set up. I think
that's going to do it dude. It literally doesn't. It's crazy. It doesn't? No, I felt like, I
don't know. All Things Comedy has like half a million YouTube subscribers, but that means
I guess nothing. I don't, I mean they're probably putting out a bunch of specials. I think my
shit got buried because I talk about pedophilia on it Did they Billy maybe you didn't have a good thumbnail image do they but they put out a bunch of specials
Yeah, so it gets lost in the mix of that's like regular content for them
Yeah, everybody else they put it out on their own channel their own channel
Regularly gets like what a hundred thousand views or something for whatever reason if you have a stand-up special you put on
There's all this math that goes into the fucking thing.
I really hate it.
I hate math, you ever do it?
Yeah, I hate it.
I was doing it.
Everything's just now, you're subject to weird
computer programs that are owned by just these tech people
and this fucking industry.
Yeah, Kurt told us a lot of stuff.
What? Yeah.
What, what'd you tell us tell us tech oligarchs and
Like what I don't know I wasn't really listening but you last week when he was telling us about tech monopolies
And what does that have to do with I thought you were saying something like that?
I don't know. I wasn't really even listening. Yeah, basically saying we're enslaved to the algorithm
It's not a saying we're enslaved to the algorithm It's like is this idea that like oh well now you do ever you can do everything independently
You know you can produce your special you can self release it on YouTube
I think I think you can be so funny though when it like get YouTube censors you more than fucking a network would
yeah, and you have to pay for everything and
You know it's yeah, it's just it's free content
So that is we know we haven't we haven't found an alternative that works better than the old model
Everything's kind of just broken in the entertainment industry. I feel I
Agree, I should make a new YouTube
For like and own it like a blackberry version of YouTube. Yeah and let people cuss and
tits
No, you can watch any animal fuck on YouTube
You can't watch a sexy lady fuck. I don't
I don't want there to be people having sex on
YouTube Alright, I thought I was making a good point. I just like there's other things for that
Where just on the internet? I don't think there should be crossover. You know what I mean?
Like I'm not worried about like kids seeing it, but I'm just like just go to a different website
You know, honestly, she'd have a different website. There's different rooms in the house
That would be more democratic if there wasn't one YouTube
There was a million video
sites, and one of them is just, you know, works the same way
the networks do.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where it's like, this website is just for fucking seeing
people that are pissed off.
Yeah.
You got a billion different shows, but it's a matter
of what.
Maybe that's what the new YouTube is, is the piss
network website that you could start. This dude's pissed off. He bought a Ninja. No matter what maybe that's what the new YouTube is is the piss network you
Website that you could start this do see you bought a ninja. Yeah, this guy bought the wrong guy buys stuff
Everything he buys on sale he buys something he only does a video of he buys something is a piece of shit Yeah, instead of like reviewing every product. It's just a guy that buy always buys the wrong thing and he's pissed off about it.
I hate the product reviews, it's everything.
Yeah.
There's something else I had to do today.
I'm gonna have to spend like a fucking entire day at the DMV.
I have a full day tomorrow too.
Doing what?
You don't like when I talk about the show?
I got a travel day tomorrow, hopefully.
Oh right, your flight got delayed because of snow yeah, that's not crazy and
How scary is it to go on a flight now with the any weather? You're like this plane is going going down and they let women fly whether they did it or the plane just fell apart
That's what I don't even know you don't know
It's trying to take off. It's like Boeing shitted. You don't even know. You don't know.
It's trying to take off. It's got one wing. Anytime I'm on a flight and it starts shaking
or turbulence, my first thought is I just get mad at our agents. Oh my god. My last
flight. I'm doing a weekend because they booked it and now I'm going to die and it's their
fault. My last flight circled JFK like four times and it was like turbulent
So I was like you couldn't land and I was like I didn't have any service and I like I was like fuck
I should have texted. I love you before it
You know what? I mean where you have that moment where you're like, I didn't say goodbye to anyone and I'm just gonna fucking die with a bunch
of losers
Sucks. Yeah dying in general is really scary. I know but especially on a plane crash. It's like no
It's kind of not even your fault. It's a badass way though plane crash. I don't think plane crashes bad
So rare no because it takes like five minutes for the plane to crash. You just scream your fucking
Bargaining in your head. You're like oh, maybe it'll maybe they'll Okay, it'll be fine and no, it's not gonna be fine
Okay, maybe I will early you don't even get the joy of like jumping off a building and being alone the joy
Yeah, like, you know, it probably feels good to jump off a building and madman style and be alone
But like they don't like and a plane you're surrounded by people. There's a baby like oh my god
Shut up, baby
like oh my god shut up baby I'm an idiot too I said on the show before but I like if I think the plane's crashing I think like I could take the door and I could
like surf on the ground. That's pretty smart. No I'm like I game it out of my head. No I would use it as a sail. I did a show in Geneva Ohio.
Silver surfer all the way. And this guy, the show producer, he's like,
if you sell it, he can keep the door.
And you could surf the door.
And I said, just give me the money.
I'll also be in Tampa.
Side splitters.
In three weeks.
I'll be at Tampa side splitters.
That's probably the best club in the country.
Is it really? I love that. Yeah, I had a lot of fun there. Adam had a terrible week there.
SideSplitters was fun. You weren't there, dude. Actually, they said it was one of the best
weekends. I've never been to Tampa. You got put on Fool's Notice in Tampa. And I comprehensively
dealt with it. I dealt with it comprehensively. There's a video of him online. Adam got Fool's
Notice in Tampa. They say bravest comedian gets Fool's Notice.
Fool's Notice is a thing they do to comedians,
where you get put on Fool's Notice,
and then they post videos of you.
He said that I dealt with the best he's ever seen.
Really?
Somebody was like, heckling.
He was wrong.
No.
Famously, this guy's hated by the entire comedy community,
because he's wrong about everything.
No, it's his whole thing and best comedians he hates and
The worst comedians he loves that's his whole thing. I don't know about that
I'd like to see you deal with so despises Joey Coco Diaz one of the most respected
Yeah, one of the funniest respected in the mafia sense even the in just comedy the cops
Anna or you're gonna talk shit about him?
He's a mass murderer. He's a mass murderer. He's a mass murderer. He would have no...
He wouldn't think twice about ripping your head off. He would not. He's doing what Diddy did times a thousand and he'll never get caught.
He inspired Diddy. Yeah. All this stuff coming out about diddy Joey was doing Joey set him up back
And they back in the scarface days. Yeah
And listen to me you motherfuckers. I'm gonna scarf
Any any fucking tranked off and he said he's had sex too. I don't know any still farts
He said if you've never me as I'm still having sex. Yeah. Yeah
He's got some crazy stories about putting his penis
Hey Andrew Santino, it's like right Andrew alone King. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. He can't stop cheating. It's an ironic thing
So he can't stop cheating. He's a great actor
So there's a video of Adam at Tampa probably the easiest club in the country and Adams
What do you mean the easiest easiest easiest best crowd easiest best crowd?
in the country and Adams... What do you mean the easiest? Easiest. Easiest best crowd? Easiest best crowd. Low ceilings. Adam is bombing. I'm not bombing. I'm getting big laughs.
Adam's completely bombing. Big pops. And somebody says like hey Adam like everyone over at the
red bar this card is rooting for you and Adam just has a complete meltdown. Yeah I started
stuttering. You can see it in the video and I'm surprised you missed it But if you zoom in I defecated my pants, he's yeah, he pisses himself his pants turn a darker color a P.m.
Poo actually I did a double I I hope I'd never get put on fool's notice
I mean, I'm so I'm so niche which just means no one's easy. I'd I dealt with it easy
I would probably I'd probably just beat the fuck out of everybody and I would start fighting everybody in the club
I would say I don't care whoever doesn't matter who says it if I hear those words fools notice. You're kind of like a
super cell. Number one woman in the face I don't care find first woman in the crowd just BAM!
Yeah you kind of got to set your tater to work. Nose bone into her brain. Kill her. She's gonna come at you like that blonde tarantula.
Well you start off killing a woman and then nobody's gonna fucking people like okay well this guy's got
He'll do anything. There's no limit. Yeah he'll do anything if off killing a woman and then nobody's gonna fucking people like okay, well this guy's gonna do anything
No, there's no limit. Yeah, he'll do anything if you kill people like he's you can't this guy's crazy
Yeah, extreme cigarette ashtray just poke those actually why that guy was going to kill the guy in the back
So you killed a woman in the front and then you kill the biggest the security guard the big black guy
Yeah, kill him in the back and now you got people in a death sandwich
They're locked in on both sides. They're locked in on both sides. Yeah
You you were afraid of Joey Diaz
I'm about to show you who's the most dangerous
Yeah
That's what I would do. I heard that the guy who was in the police show
He's got put on fool's notice the police show up the guy in New York
He was punching women in the face a comedian
No, the all the tick tockers because they someone told him that red bar was watching. I'm kind of on that guy's side
I don't really know what the story is. I mean, I haven't seen any videos of them actually being punched
I've only seen the videos of them being like I got punched. Mm-hmm
Yeah, yeah, I want to see body I want to see the body sides I want to see the body cares two sides, but it's white girls getting punched right now by black man
I'm not I'm gonna say out of that one. That's the kind of violence that I would say is none of my
Business and that's none of my damn business. Yeah, that's a good show for the pissed-off network
I'm on we talk about something that's pissing people off and then they're like
You realize damn business you realize it's none of your damn business. Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. It's kind of a therapeutic
I don't know just a pitch for like a 1 30 a.m. Slot. Mm-hmm for the for the TPM 1 30 p.m
We have sign off at fucking 8 p.m. Yeah, this is easy watching
This is easy watching you watch somebody else know this is a 24-hour network and then you feel better. Do you do the the snow about somebody who wakes up?
They can't sleep. They're too pissed off. What the fuck today this guy driving a car. He's got a cigarette
He pits the cigarette lighter. He's on the phone. He's got a problem
It's not being dealt cars don't have this anymore. My car has it your car has it what year has it?
Well, I have two cars. Okay, I got a
My car has it your car has it. What year has it? Well, I have two cars. Okay, I got a
2020 and I have a 1987 and the 1987 has it 1987. This is what I'm 1987. That's two of them
That's what I'm talking about. The old car has a cigarette lighter. The new ones don't they they don't say that enough mine
24 I'm trying I'm trying to say they're like, oh we have all these added features I'm like, I don't want you they have but they don't they don't come with the the actual the the plug
Yeah cigarette Michelle Obama took because it's for shell took him out. Yeah, bitch
It's for like plugging in accessories and she has a penis. Yeah, I have to see I'm gonna take it a step further
I'm gonna say this I'm gonna say it a step further. I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say Michelle Obama tiny penis
She's got not only she have a dick. It's not a cookie. Can I just say this sucks?
Michelle she didn't write a book before her husband was president
Yeah, I'm fucking talking about mmm. You know what I mean was that it is crazy
They took advantage of her husband being president all the other first lady's to write a novel
They do want to have her on the show they do her husband being president all the other first ladies to write a novel They do want to have her on the show. They do magnificent things all right all the other first ladies
She's not gonna watch any episodes if she comes on she might see this
And not want to show you was not gonna watch this is what my watch like yes Chris Cuomo or something. Yeah
Yeah, she's not watching well Chris Cuomo said something about her penis on that episode
almost said something about her penis on that episode.
What'd he say, Adam? He said, that's why I didn't grab her ass.
No, let Adam do it.
Adam was the one to say it.
What'd he say?
This bitch got that small, I don't know.
I can't really do a good Chris Cuomo.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
And that's none of my damn business.
And thanks for listening, folks.
Oh, you're done. Yeah now
I thought you were doing that
Okay, I'll do it. Oh, we're done now. I was having a good time. We had Gavin was having a good time
I wanted to stay a couple more hours. I was going for the record
Longest podcast in history did three hours last week. Let's go motherfuckers
Three hours. Hey you stupid motherfuckers style
I saw dude. I saw the last one. They did a super podcast and they call it protect our parks and they all get cool sunglasses and they all hang out
together in cool town and drink beer and they drink beer and they do mushrooms
only I said I refuse to go I would have I would have done it 25 times once
fucking now that Ian has been there it's's ruined the broken the Rogan bump is no more. It's done doesn't exist
Yeah, I'm telling you Ian has ruined it
He was everything for everyone he has ruined it
You know Rogan's like has like Adam ruins everything Ian ruins everything Ian ruins everything
Rogan has like a thousand listeners left after the Ian episode. Yeah. Yeah.
America saw Ian finance.
They're all gone.
They're all listening to a.
This is a, yeah, a transphile pro-landlord Ska fan.
That's a new type of guy, though.
That is a very specific guy.
That's never been a guy before. That's crazy. No,
that's like a cultural sort of like it's like a cultural programming glitch. They call you
know, remember Windows used to say Windows is performed in an illegal operation and needs
to shut down and the screen would turn blue and the computer would fuck up. That's what
Ian is. So broadcasting the... The blue screen of death.
Broadcasting Ian, a transphile pro-landlord rights scoffan to 30 million people, that
just resets everything. Now, we're...
So it's good.
All of society is going to collapse. No, it's not good. It's bad, Adam.
Oh, it's bad.
Society may have flaws, but...
You're saying that Ian fix kind of a warning
But sometimes you want to see the world burn though. I'm late. Yeah, sometimes you want to see the world burn
It's like putting sugar in the gas tank. It's not like who does that somebody trying sweet gasoline
It's it's it's like it's like
It's beyond chaos is what it is.
It's beyond chaos.
It's quantum.
There's still an intention to chaos.
This is something, this is just like a cosmic disaster.
Yeah, yeah, Schroedinger is what it is.
The idea that it's like a solar flare, but the flare turns people into just, they have
like the same kind of racial hatred that was all over the south right during like the
Reconstruction era, but it now it's directed at just something they can't name
I'm telling abstract being exposed to that many people we're gonna see rise in mass shootings
Just a cultural darkness it is yeah
It's going to plant a seed of hatred in people's minds
And they're not going to be able to know who they can take it out. It's a pansexual paradox is what it is
Kind of yeah, let me tell you
Ian
Has destroyed the world Wow
That's fucked mm-hmm
Thanks, I never thought about it like so deeply before but. Well, hey, that's the business we're in, pal.
And that's how the cookie crumbles.
And that's none of my damn business.
That's not my job.
That's not my job.
That's none of my damn business. Okay, guys well I will be at Tampa in two weeks in Portland. I've got, there's a
couple tickets left for the last show. If you buy them this week maybe we'll add
another one. That'll be fun because I think I'm gonna fly in on Wednesday.
Maybe we'll do two Thursday. I don't know if, I don't think I want to stay there
Sunday so maybe late show Thursday. That could be
a bit of a wild card. Maybe I will do. Maybe I'll do Sunday, 9 a.m. if we add a show. And I'll be in Tampa. And then I don't know what else. I think that's everything. Check out Progression on
All Things Comedy channel on YouTube, as well as we had a minute premium
episode this week
is everything
you guys may not know the probably people just don't know you go to
patreon dot com slash t a f s
yet next report cast episode every week and also now these digital shorts a
sketch right and we had we should own entirely on the iphone fifteen it's
sponsored by apple
everything is shot on the apple 15. It's sponsored by Apple. Yep. Everything is shot on the Apple 15
It's these are expensive phones and they produce beautiful sketch comedy
You can check that out every week. We'll throw one of those on there
And also we had Greg Stone this week and go check out his special
Nobody presents Greg Stone and that was a fun episode
Greg was on this is the best if you want to check it out. Nobody presents
fun episode Greg was on this is the best if you want to check it out nobody presents great film live at the Comedy Seller where did you do yours comedy
works built more in Vancouver built more yeah it's a little rock club that's
cool it sounds like grandiose sounds opulent yeah yeah no it's like where
you would bring your fat inbred wife to the opera we're going to see Gavin tonight hmm hell yeah thanks
for having me thanks for coming pal we love you love you dude
love you yeah good night