The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 50
Episode Date: April 19, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Gavin Matts - Episode 50 THIS WEEKEND! Go see Adam in Irvine: https://improv.com/irvine/comic/adam+friedland/ Go see Nick in Tampa: https://ci.ovationtix.com/35578/p...roduction/1139177 Watch Gavin's Special Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXswAbQYPDE Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #gavinmatts #comedypodcast
Transcript
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Welcome to Adam Friedland show podcast. I'm Gavin Matz guest host today and everybody
Nick Mullen. You know the fuck I am. I'm Nick Mullen. I'm just kicking it racism style.
I was you know I walked in here. You're being racist. Yeah. I was thinking oh that's that's
Nick Mullen. Yep. I was at Dunkin Donuts smelling
different races. What do they smell like. Oh God. I wish you could have been there. I
wish you could have smelled the different spices and anyway guys welcome to the Adam
Friedland show podcast where Nick is in Tampa Florida guys this weekend I am in Irvine California.
They're gonna fucking riot. He's on the show today they're gonna be pissed yeah I'm glad you did dates off the top though because
I was on the show which is so long ago they gave me ten days to sell these fucking tickets
I'm putting them up top I'm a fucking diva dude I'm a nightmare on set I don't like sunglasses
I like oh look look how beautiful you're well you don't need to wear sunglasses why doesn't
it closet and homosexual yeah I'm not a racist, closeted homosexual,
anti-Semite, Adam's best friend,
but he has a tough time showing it sometimes.
Anyway, go ahead.
Are you going anywhere soon, Gavin?
Oh, actually, I'm gonna be in Chicago May 10th.
Ooh, the bulls.
Philly May 14th, Baltimore May 15th,
D.C. May 16th, Tulsa, Oklahoma May 17th.
That's about it.
I'm selling no tickets, check today,th that's about it I sell no tickets check today and
that's why I posted a reel to Instagram because I have no money and when I post a clip online
it's because I just checked my bank account. Oh you got the direct deposit.
Anyway guys just a couple updates for the fans on Patreon we did post a new digital
short this one was emphasis on the short I guess
it was digital as well but it was quite short this week okay how long was it I think like
about 10 seconds long maybe all right so if you want to go pay a little more online no
no no what I'm saying is there's a new digital short out there's a new podcast episode without
a McCofsky and guys this weekend we should be
releasing the next episode the Adam Friedland show talk show the actual show. We've been
working on it and that's why actually Nick and I Nick wasn't on the last episode because
he was out shooting the last one and editing it. So we've had a lot of shit at the office.
And if you're in Tampa Florida go see Nick Mullen this weekend at side splitters again
I will be at the Irvine improv. Let's just do fucking plugs this whole time.
Uh, yeah. I mean, I'm out of plugs. I got no plugs. You have a special out on the internet.
Yeah. It's on YouTube. How many, how many huge bumps when I was on two weeks ago, you
did. How many views you got? Huge bump. Maybe like five to 600 more views. Yeah, yeah.
Worth it.
People said you were kind of like the fifth Beatle.
They were saying it's a tale of two atoms.
What is that?
Well, it's like a tale of two cities.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's similar.
Yeah, yeah.
So they're saying, he's like Adam.
I had an English teacher one year that was so nice
that I actually read that book
because I used to cheat the rest of the time I was in school.
Well then, so you know that I'm of the common people and then you're obviously the aristocracy.
But we look exactly the same and you're in love with my wife and the mat that the mobs
during the French Revolution want to execute me and you love my bitch so much that you
I save you. You save me. Hell yeah. That is the most cucked. That is the
most pussy move in the entire world. Well I love her so much that I want my extension
I love you. Yeah that's true love is when you'd you'd say well if you look exactly like
a guy you'd be by extension. I probably love it. If I had twin brother. Yeah I would we would have 69 this. Oh if I would have
six fighting that whole identical twin we'd be swip swapping around. We'd be swapping
the we'd be swip swapping around dude. We'd be on TLC. The girls swap. What percentage
you think of identical twins like I got assault as well. what if I was an identical twin and I had
a girlfriend and I was like dude just go in there oh yeah just go in there go to bed yeah
that is that sounds like a rape yeah that sounds like you well we wouldn't do that but
it sounds like it's a he's going to jail I I had no idea. You had no idea. That's how I get rid of my twin. Yeah. Yeah, exactly
Now you're number one
I actually have twin sisters you do. Yeah, but they're fraternal, you know, so nobody has that kink nasty
You know, which was you know one has that kink? No one's like, oh, yeah, you kind of look like you could be sisters
Yeah, no one's into that. They want Swedish
Swedish bikini models matching tits. When I say twins. Yeah. And twins. What was that
commercial? Come on. Your commercial. I like when people say that. What? When people they
they say something like it's like jinx but they go like twin. Right. Come on. Come on. Oh dude. Why are we like. Wow. We are to add. We're to add
micro scene. He sent me the photo and I said to. Yeah. Photo of you and what is that. Oh
that Pakistan. I don't know. It's my it's my Muslim hat. You got a Muslim hat. Yeah.
Pretty sick. Pretty sick. I got a lot of merch. If you know if you know you know you know
what is going on in this episode today. Anyway go ahead. He microcines a picture of what.
He sent me a photo of those two guys that went to jail for having gay sex in Stockholm Sweden and they looked and he was like that looks like you and I
was like no that's Nick and Adam. Wait Mike's out. Wait wait can you show just
pull it up and show the camera. It is a picture of Nick and I. Can we impose it. It's probably
fake. Yeah. Well let's impose it. Can you just put it up on the screen. Like it is probably
someone Photoshop Nick and I in it. And that's what I thought. I was like no that
looks like Nick and Adam. And then I trallian that that I trallian Mongoloid
our friend Mike thought it was you. And he was like I guess it kind of does look
like which one did he think was you. The one that looks like you.
We look nothing like. I was offended on this. I wish I looked like
you. I was super offended. I was pretty pissed. But I'm always mad when
people say I look like someone. Yeah. You know they're always like oh Connor O'Malley.
You know you get that. I get that someone actually took a photo with me on the street.
I was excited. No one ever takes a photo with me. And they're like dude I love your stuff.
And I was like oh oh this feels good. And then we take the photo he looks at it, and he goes I
Guess cuz he saw it on his phone. He always sees Connor on his phone, and he goes
Wait, you're not Connor. Oh, Malley. I go yeah, but he had to see it on the phone though
Yeah, like we fucking more on
I mean, it's just depressing for me to be like if you come to take a photo with me
Maybe you see me do stand-up I don't know we're outside a stand-up show and then for me to be like if you come to take a photo with me Maybe you see me do stand-up
I don't know we're outside a stand-up show and then for me to be like no, dude
You probably think I'm someone else that happened to me the other day actually and who'd they think you were an ugly woman
They're like, oh you're not an ugly woman I thought I've been looking at pictures of the oxymoron
I've been looking at pictures of ugly women on my phone for years
And you know, I had to see a picture of you
to realize you weren't an ugly woman.
It is really unfortunate for me,
that's gonna be how I age.
Ugly woman.
I'm gonna become an ugly woman,
I'm gonna wake up one day and just be,
yeah, Fran Lee Woods.
Look, it's rough, it's rough right now.
Men, we're dying, we're a dying breed,
we're almost extinct men.
I know.
Like real men, like that's why we gotta like really
take women's sports down a notch right now.
What do you mean, by playing them?
I, something, something because women's sports
is becoming so popular that like,
once women's sports are more popular than men
because of like Caitlin Clark,
like then what do we have. Yeah.
We become what we be. She was really good when she was Bruce Clark. You know she was
an Olympian so I don't understand why we're celebrating. Yeah. Swimming and now you can
play basketball. It's not really fair. It's not really fair. She won the decathlon at
the 1970s and let me just say that I prefer. I like MTF MTAF yeah I don't like F to M don't
mess up the ratio my guy Ali said to me on the premium podcast if you guys didn't hear
it she said that Chris D'Alea was like so I get falsely accused of shit and um Caitlyn Jenner literally killed someone before she
transitioned. Oh yeah that's a joke of his. Is that a joke
of his. That's a joke from his new special. It's uncancellable. Oh I thought that was
like him venting about his station. No he's like on stage in front of a bunch of dudes
with like backwards hats. Really. Talking about. but I don't even understand what he's saying he goes he goes like this he goes like this I think what he goes like she killed
someone wait I gotta hear the click are you doing Ray Romano I gotta hear the clip I gotta
hear the clip can we pause Pete no no let's lay we pull it up we have a lot of dead air
on this fucking I need to hear his voice I I need to hear crystal E does he do Caitlin. No but it's so funny like his mannerisms and everything. He's so
he's so bad I can't believe people go. What do you mean. Well the thing before before
like when he was really famous was like he's like a silly. Oh you never liked him. You're
saying he's so bad before he gets
at doing because I loved him and then I heard that those I heard about the I heard about
the way you come back like he's about them kids. You know. I mean well there's other
people that I that things murder is acceptable. Is this what he says. Yeah let's hear it.
Netflix and then we stop watching Netflix today. Netflix come out of a bunch of shacks
Come on it was a war move, but it was a business move and for that I understand
But let me just take a look at that
I understand
One of the things that Netflix cut me out of was an episode of a TV series and another person in another
Episode of that same TV series was Caitlyn Jenner now listen alright
I don't know if you know this but Caitlyn Jenner fucking killed someone okay, okay?
Hold up, he does Randy? Randy, she killed someone!
She killed someone!
I'm killing, I'm killing, I'm trying, I'm killing.
Wow, he did Randy?
All I did was have an Excel sheet of 17 year olds.
I didn't know about screenshots!
Oh no, so he got the neck tat after he was canceled.
Is he talking about Workaholics the episode of
workaholics he's on. No you. Oh because he's in an episode of workaholics where he plays
a chill pedophile and it's very funny and I know that they have taken that off. Oh yeah.
I heard that. But if you guys could find it on like mega upload or something you should
watch it's very funny. People will be like shout out to Chris to Lee yo shout out to Chris to Leah shout out to Chris in the yeah in the comments will plug his days
I do have like a damning photo of him in a baby kissing no no of me at like at like with
a baby like 17 years old at a comedy club with my friend, nephew, black guy. Yeah, black guy.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay, continue.
Yeah, it's exciting to you though.
No, no, no, I have some black friends.
Yeah, I mean, I assume.
Yeah, yeah.
A guy like you, swagged out.
Yeah, yeah, kind of a hip hop style.
Twin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Twins.
Twin!
Crazy as a white boy. Oh, man. Continue, yeah, yeah. Twin. Twin. Crazy-ass white boy.
Oh, man.
Continue.
Anyway, so you were with it.
So you have a black friend.
Yeah, and he was like, we're doing a talk show, so.
We're doing a talk like you're telling
an anecdote on the Tonight Show.
So you have a black friend.
Yeah, I have a black friend.
He's always been black.
It's a good time.
It's good to be here. And he was like,
we were like 17 and we went to the comedy club and saw Chris Dillian. He's like, dude,
we gotta get a photo with him. So we got a photo together, but it was on my friend's
phone and he has since cut himself out of the photo. And sometimes he just sends me
the photo and it's me and Chris alone in the
photo.
Did you change the background?
No.
To like a, I don't know, romantic?
Like a room.
There she killed someone, she ran a dude over, that guy died, he's still dead.
His family's sad, so sad.
So sad.
And she's in the thick and I'm not in the thick.
Listen, we all make mistakes, but her was murder.
That's pretty funny. Oh, I got very confused when Ali told me about that because I was
like, well, yeah, obviously Caitlin, she put a lot into the, you know, the disguise, you
know, she changed her whole look up after the so she killed
someone yeah she killed a leaguer cause it caught the case and all he did was get a neck
tattoo nice yeah more Jordans yeah he's still recognized still a wigger he's not doing anything
yeah he's got to switch it up yeah you've got to like try out a new kind of style you
know or anything I don't know Caitlin was at least like I got to like try out a new kind of style, you know, or anything. I don't know.
Caitlin was at least like, Oh, I got to change things up. I've killed someone.
I just, I can't believe. And the whole, the whole demeanors change for Caitlin. Like good
person into politics. Totally on her side. But I would vote for her. Would you go, would
you go see Chris in live in concert? I wouldn't see any comedian.
In concert.
In playing music?
No way.
That's what sometimes they say,
it's a classy way of saying something.
Oh, if you're like playing a live in concert.
You're playing a very big venue.
Yeah, yeah, you can say it.
You're playing theaters.
Yeah, then it's like respectable.
Then you're playing in concert.
Yeah, no, I wouldn't see any comedian live.
That would suck if you like went.
Especially if I lived in Irvine. Oh yeah. But if you live in Irvine and you guys I'm playing the improv is in
a place called the spectrum center. So I feel like that will appeal to a lot of you folks.
But we're just having fun here guys. Guys are you ready to win Mother's Day and cement
your reputation as the best gift giver in the family. Are you. Yeah I want to win Mother's Day and cement your reputation as the best gift giver
in the family. Are you. Yeah I want to win Mother's Day. I want to fucking. How do you
win. This is how I win. What do you mean. What are you ready to win Mother's Day. I guess
so. Does that mean like you were fine. You finally you finally smash. Shout out to Freud. Shout out to Freud.
I just won Mother's Day.
Yeah, Freud's nasty, dude.
He wanted to fuck his mom.
Dude, you want to fuck your mom.
He wrote a book called I Want to Fuck My Mom and now everyone in college has to read it.
It's crazy.
It really, that caught on.
That's the basis of all of the therapy we go to.
Is a guy that was like
wrote a book called I want to fuck my mom isn't it that's probably a premise a million
comedians have done. Yeah it sounds like it sounds like it. Yeah yeah yeah. But we're
just having fun folks. I want to win Mother's Day. Well I can't because my mom said but
I would love to win Mother's Day if I had one. Okay. Let's run it. Well this got tired. She's the
love of my life and I miss her every day. Are you ready to win Mother's Day and cement
your cement your reputation as the best gift giver in the family. It's kind of insensitive
for them to send this ad to you. It's kind of a suck up. Yeah, you want me to read it?
My mom's alive
You're what my mom
my mom
Come on
Where is she in fucking?
Yeah, all right see you tomorrow, okay, she's in Degrassi High School. Okay. Just read it. Okay.
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I mean, it's really good. You could put and you put some funny pictures in there that your mom
You know that your mom would be like, come on Gavin. Yeah. Come on. Why did you put that one?
Guys we have a comedian in the family
And it's got this cool charger thing and then you could like with an app on your phone
You can load pictures
so your moon can
See you can get it for your mom. So you can get it for your moon. Yeah
You're going to moon moon moon moomers day. Yeah, my mom's always you
Six to my stomach from the sick to my stomach. Is that how your mom talks? Yeah, my mom's fucking cheesed time
to my stomach. Is that how your mom talks? Yeah. My mom is fucking cheesed. She's cheesed with me. Your mom's pissing you. So cheese. Why is she? She's she said I didn't get her
an aura frames. Yeah. But you were telling me before the show that your mom hit you.
No no no I wasn't telling you that before the show. But yeah, my mom, my mom, she was mad because
I was just $30 short. Yeah. But you can get $30 off plus free shipping if you use TAFS
at that sounds incredible guys. So check out our frames. You know, conditions apply. You
know, the picture, you know, know is really gross when moms do they
take that picture of you taking a bath when you're a kid yeah with your siblings oh yeah
and you got your Peter out yeah like why who's that for I don't want that crap well my mom
was like I remember as a kid I'd be like I just I don't want you to take this I like
it I like to look back and be like all right. But what if there's like a kind of nasty person in your family that finds that like a you know someone that's into that
kind of thing like kids or some kind of like a comedian with a.
But we're just having fun folks. Yeah no. I mean those those pictures are weird. I was
asking Ali about it but they like filming your wife's like pussy with like a head coming out of it like
in the in the delivery room. It's like it's what is that for. You want to watch that back.
You want to watch back game tape. No of your birth. That's disgusting. Yeah. Because I'm
never going to get birthed again. So why do I got to watch that back. I don't know what
I can do. Yeah I already did it. Perfect. I almost died. You why do I got to watch that back? I don't know what I can do. Yeah, I already did it perfect I did it almost died you did I went out feet first
No, no, I think I think they almost lost me. So they had to do cesarean
Cesarean like it's like a Roman Emperor kind of style. Yes. Yeah, pretty cool name for that
No, but I just I cesarean is cool c-section sucks call it a cesarean. I actually fucked it up because I didn't want to
I don't want to it's good branding. Yeah, it's-section sucks. Call it a cesarean. I actually fucked it up because I didn't want to I
Don't want to it's good branding. Yeah, it's a serian. This is a serian. Yes, a rean. Yeah Yeah, it like reminds me of like Roman generals. Yeah, you know Brutal at to Bruce a
A2
it's
Like I like Christians have the best branding for stuff. What like
the fish on your car. No like like the Crusades. That sounds cool. It's not that's it. It sounds
sick. It sounds sick. It sounds awesome. What's another good one. That's pretty much all I've
been thinking about. It's probably Crusades is the only one I got. Yeah. I'm trying to think of another like term Pope is a cool word. Yeah, it's pretty yeah
why is like Tommy Pope allowed to have that last name though it's kind of a lie who's
Tommy Pope the comedian oh oh why is Tommy allowed to have that last name yeah you shouldn't
be allowed yeah what if I called my son Dr. Friedland Yeah, what if I called my son Dr. Freedland? You know?
What if I named my son like President Freedland? It's kind of just obnoxious, you know?
You should work for that title.
Yeah, I'll try to get, I'll give my son low expectations.
Yeah, yeah.
Ball-dash delivery.
Door-dash free.
Matt.
Door-dash a booba car from Door-dash delivery. Door-Dash free. Delivery. Matt.
Door-Dash.
A Booba car from Door-Dash free.
That job, it was raining the other day and I was like, that is maybe one of the most
dangerous jobs.
Yeah, it's the most dangerous.
I was driving my car, they're weaving in and out and stuff.
Yeah, and it's dangerous if you're a pedestrian because they'll just come up and out and stuff. Yeah, and it's dangerous if you're a pedestrian
because they'll just come up and almost hit you.
Yeah, and...
No one cares.
And no one cares.
Well, I have a small dog.
I have a small, tiny dog, dude thang, you know?
And they're always coming so close to my dog.
And one time this delivery driver,
he came up on the sidewalk, came close to my dog
and I put my hand on his bike
and I was like, yo, relax, my dog.
And then as I, and he was like, he didn't speak English.
He's a migrant and he's moving and he's like getting mad.
And then another delivery driver came out of nowhere
and pulled up and was like, what's up?
Oh my God.
I almost got my ass
beat. Oh, it was like a gang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you gotta stick together and
then you kind of like as comedians, you took the Chipotle. No, it wasn't mine. Bro. Can
I was just like apologizing. Can I just say something for the fellas right now? Okay.
The girls need to appreciate that if you're ordering a two Chipotle night delivery door
dash, that's a, that's a $50 night
for you and your bitch. You guys are going guacamole. That's a $50 night. Wait who you're
still eating Chipotle. Yeah we ordered Chipotle the other day two bowls disgusting. What are
you fucking talking about. It's one of the best restaurants in America. It's it's don't
come to my fucking country. Don't come and judge my head. Go back to go back and have poutine with your mom,
dude. Fuck off, bro. I wish I could have the teen with my
mom. Well, you want to if you want to win the bell,
Patat, I'm trying to win Mother's Day. Yeah, I'm trying to
win your Mother's Day. Did you ever consider doing like a
deadliest catch style like thing? Like you remember people
go on like to I'm going to go up to Alaska I'm gonna make 50 G's in like three months.
Yeah yeah of course I thought I was gonna be a fisherman. Thought my life would be easier
you know. Is that what your whole life was? That's what I thought my life was gonna be
too. I thought I'd live in a small town and and I'm with I'm like I married the love of
my life and then we have like two beautiful kids together,
but I can't get over like the abuse from my father,
so I turned to alcohol and then I drink,
and then one day I'm down at the bar,
but I left the fire on it.
Oh, my house burns down, I'm doing coke,
and I get all fucked up, I stay out too late,
I get home, there's a damn fire, I try to get in my my kids are burned up inside
Go ahead and then and then so I so they're dead and then my relationships over can't you go on I leave
I leave but I'm forced to come back to take care of my like nephew
You know cuz my brother tragically dies and then and then I see her
Did you try to like turn yourself into the police or something. I didn't try and I grabbed the gun
You're like I was on fucking coke. I was drunk. It's my fault
It's my fucking fault
Then I see her again, she's pregnant yeah, she's got a beautiful baby, and she's got like a whole new life
She's looking all right. Yeah, she's cute. She's looking good
Fucking Vancouver by the sea. I can't you know
Fuck it, but yeah, dude. I wanted that like bad. I wanted to be a fisherman. I want to be on my Kenneth
I want to be Kate longer. I want to be Casey so bad. Yeah, he's me's my fav dude. He's awesome wait
So you thought you're gonna be a fisherman, right?
You thought that's the only life for you. Your dad's like not encouraging you in school
He's like drop out go on the fucking boat get on the fucking boat get on the fucking boat
You know on the fucking boat get on the fucking boat and then you were like, well, it's Canadian
So it's actually like a get on the fucking boat bud like and you had a septum piercing
You're a little bit of a like purple streak in your hair you were listening to nineteen seventy five I had a big I was actually
I was actually kind of a skater boy oh really yeah I was kind of a skater boy and you're
like I just want to get out of this time my friend Charmaine's dad call me that he called
me skater boys and then like actually in the NFL and then 17 years old you're at a comedy club, right
You see Chris D'Alia and then you're like I can get out of this town. I was like, oh I
Can do that. Maybe I can do this. I was like, oh I can do that. Yeah, I
Can do that and then you went home you open up a notebook. I open up a notebook. The first thing I wrote was
Was white male black comic.
And then I started writing jokes and I was like, you know what?
I'm going to make this thing work.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're like, this motherfucker know what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about my fucking nose. And then and I'm always saying you know what
I'm talking about. And then the audience they'd be like we we actually know it's crickets
right now. Yeah. We've no idea what you're saying. Oh so you go out and then I go but
this guy knows what I'm talking about. And then everyone's like oh yeah he do. Well he
stands up and he and he's like I know what he's talking about and then everybody is like
and then I know what he's talking about in the like, I know what he's talking about. And then everybody is like, I know what he's talking about in the back. Like, I know what he's talking about.
It's like Spartacus. And then a guy jumps out of the sound booth. He goes, I know what
he's talking about. Yeah. And this other guy stands up and he's like, I'm fucking gay.
Oh, I thought we're doing something else. I thought, oh, and then I go, that guy's gay.
That guy's gay. And you know what I'm talking about. And then everyone goes, I know what
he's talking about. And then, yeah. And then it's like they're
raising the roof. You're at the Apollo. The Sandman's there. Bernie Mac's there. They
pick me up on it. They put me on a chair. They carry me out into the streets. Yeah.
And you used to go by Mr. Two damn Gavin. Yeah, I did. And you had a catchphrase, right?
I did have a catchphrase.
Back in the day, what was your catchphrase?
Back in the day, I did have a catchphrase where I would say something kind of like,
my jokes were kind of always about how I be, how I be doing.
Where's how white people be doing how white people yeah, yeah, and then
You know something in the joke would happen where it's like be like, oh, that's too. That's too damn bad
Yeah, but then I would say well, that's too damn Gavin. Yeah, they would say it with me and you do that arm-crossing
Yeah, that's too damn Gavin and that's and then you had that Disney Channel sitcom to damn Gavin to remember. Yeah. And then the father of the sitcom. He was not
a very good guy. No no. We don't like talking about that. No no no. I mean a lot of this
has been coming out about Dan Schneider these days if you want to like. Yeah. I mean it's
time that we get the secrets of Hollywood out quiet on set.. Okay, so like, it's 1998, right?
I like the name of that doc, by the way,
just as a sidebar.
What is it?
Quiet On Set.
Is that what the molester doc is?
Yeah, cause it's like, that's kind of the thing
people say on set where they're like,
okay, quiet on set, we're about to film.
So it's about filming.
But they're saying quiet on set,
cause it's like, there's a lot of secrets.
Oh, people are keeping quiet about this on set
And I wear a hat for the bald community as a man with hair just so that like
Solidarity and so that they're like oh when bald people are out with a hat on people are like oh, maybe they have hair
And yeah, I'd never want to go bald you know
So you're on the Disney Channel 1998. Yeah, I really tried to distract from that. I'm sorry, dude
Get away from it. Just cuz we don't have to talk about it. We don't have to talk about it
Yeah, so they I mean they had me in a room and and they thought I was Zack
Or Cody they don't care. Is that gal if an act is or no Zach Zach and Cody?
Oh, I thought it was a purple onion kind of no, so they that was a good special
Remember that one? No, it's funny
Anyway, yeah, so you they thought you were Zach and Cody and you're like, I'm I'm too dang Gavin. I said twin
Right and who and so like and the silence went all the way to the top yeah and
Went all the way to the top all the way to Mr. Disney. And yeah they would penetrate me.
Take that again. Take that. Yeah. Let's run that again for the doc crew. Can we set it? Can
we get a quiet? Let's run that back. Yeah, they would. Actually, they would penetrate.
This might be hard to talk about. So you want to get like, maybe you could put on where
the sunglasses, maybe you could augment your voice a little like really grow. You know, do that kind of thing.
But your hat a little bit lower.
Yeah, so you were so you're on the set of to damn Gavin in
1998, the Disney Channel show and I was on the set of the
to damn Gavin in 1998 and
they would bring me to the back.
1998 and they would bring me into the back room and they thought I was Zach or Cody they didn't care they didn't care and they would... You said I'm just too damn Gavin.
I'm just too damn Gavin but they would penetrate me and they would say oh we're in Corey's house now because
of the show Corey in the house you're saying there's a hit show at the time
take you to the set of the house was a spin-off of that so even correct so you
were penetrated on the set of various shows and they just brought me around
and then I found out that my show didn actually exist. I just my show isn't real. It's just a. Oh they like told you you got a show but there
was no show. Yeah it was kind of like the Catholic Church just passes so they gave you
to Lizzie McGuire for a while then they gave you to even Stevens for a while. Yeah but
all the reason why those shows are so successful because those kids were able to focus on their craft.
And if you could save one more kid you know if you could just. I would say again. Oh God
that was fun wasn't it. That was pretty fun. I could just save one more kid. Did you ever get my kids. Oh go ahead. I'll burn up
in the fire. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot about the the Vancouver by the sea aspect
of this. We're really really free associating to the time isn't linear. Time is happening
at all. Well actually they say time is a flat circle and you worked with rust coal for a while. Yeah you know that
scene in Manchester by the sea was like the closest I've ever come to anything like that
my girlfriend she went to London to see some friends last summer and I was like I'm a fucking
man. Hell yeah. And I went with two two damn friends to to the strip club in London no no in in
New York and I was like my girlfriend I was like hell yeah fellas we're gonna go to the
strip club you know and and I got so wasted and they were touching my they were touching
my penis over my pants and I was like I have a girlfriend does stuff and and father like shut up and they're like shut up
you so stupid and stuff and then I was like also saying to them I was like what
would your parents say if you just brought me home and said that we were
engaged like how if like if you just brought me back to the Bronx and told me
told them that this is the love of your life. And they're like no they would
like they would they would not like you like I was like all right here's here's more money.
I was just like I was pure it that night. Yeah. And I got home to the apartment and
I was like I can't live this way. I can't live this way. I spent four hundred five hundred
dollars. I'm wasted. I was like depressed and wasted in my bed and I called my girlfriend
London arms like babe I was in a hotel or I was in the I was in the I was in a strip
club they they touched my penis from the outside of my pants. I asked them what how their families
would react if we got engaged like yeah you need you need to come back. I can't live without
you. You just need to come back. I'll buy you a flight right now. It was like Manchester
by the sea was like I fucking killed my kids. And yeah she was like
Adam I literally do not care. She was like she was like you're are you wasted right now.
I'm like I'm so drunk and she's like crazy. She's like go to sleep Adam. That's why I'm
too damn Adam bro. That's too damn. That's that's too damn twin. I'm a dick so I buy stripper once.
Did you. Northern B.C. She had she was missing teeth. Really. How old were you. Twenty two.
And you were. I was throwing loonies and toonies at them really. And they but they told me
not overhand. I mean trying to hurt nobody cuz your arm you have too good of an arm. Mr. Tude. I'm good at throwing
You're like gambit, bro. I was frisbee golfing right into that asshole. You're a frothing. I was from it's a girl's
I went I went to I went to the strip club
Go ahead and the last time I went I said
It's the last time I ever go because it was just it was too
It was too much. It was too magical. I haven't gone is I went to magic
I went to Magic City in Atlanta. I think I said this on the pot already
I went to Magic City in Atlanta and I was I guess I was kind of a little upset
There wasn't enough magic there for me. Oh.
I wanted a little ta-tas, not some ta-tas,
you know what I'm saying?
Like you wanted like the magic castle.
Yeah.
Yeah, you wanted like the amazing Jonathan or something.
You want a magic, yeah.
But that's what I'm saying.
It was a little too much ta-tas.
And not enough ta-tas.
Not enough ta-tas. Yeah.
And that's just too damn Gavin
Yeah, you know magic is pretty black and white is it we're talking about their outfits
They mean mimes no magicians are pretty much black and white they wear
wands and suits and stuff tuxedos
are pretty much black and white. They wear wands and suits and stuff, tuxedos.
I feel like you're not getting the bit.
I met David Blaine, actually,
and he was wearing leather jackets.
That's not the classic, that's not classic magic.
No, I mean, I think there's like a news story about it.
I'm talking about the villain in Frosty the Snowman.
Jewish guy.
Uh-huh, he was a magician.
Yeah.
What did he, he turned the snowman into a man?
I never saw he wanted the snowman so he could do some dirty little tricks, steal money.
I don't know.
Is that the Jews were the villain in that?
Are the Jews villains in all the Christmas and all the cartoons?
All cartoons? Yeah, kind of.
Yes. Yes. They all are like a stereotypical like bad like drawing
Of a G. Yeah, it's a very bad stereotype.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, all villains and old things are like in a cartoon. They have like they mean yeah
It's very even Ursula and the Little Mermaid is kind of just a Jewish trans
She's bad in the new one. You know I'm saying she look good. good? She look good. Who'd they cast? They're like big, big. Tila Tequila?
Melissa McCarthy.
Oh, I need her.
I need her.
She's funny.
She's funny.
She's funny because she stayed herself,
you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Some of these very funny women, you know,
they get really funny in a lot of movies
and then they change
Their bodies and stuff they have BBLs. Oh, I think they just lose the funny. They're talking about yeah
It's tough. I'm saying stay big stay up stay. It's like it's like because a
Bigger woman respect, you know, that's funny. Mm-hmm, and then they lose the, it's not funny, but then they're skinny, still being funny,
it's almost like they appropriated the big culture
to get up, similar to how a white musician
will use rap to get up and then switch to rock.
Oh, like post-molot.
So they used the fat to get money
and then they went skinny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like you're kind of betraying. Yeah. Yeah. What got you there?
They should just be unhealthy and and for the rest of their lives. You're saying oh, yeah
I think I really just putting on their stereo being fat being fat is so funny. I wish I was
Too good. It's nothing funny about the way I look no definitely not for how I have to work after
Nowadays I gotta work four for five times as hard
Yeah, you know you got to put reps up. I got a I gotta get in the gym. I
Gotta go hard
straight white
Mail the most discriminated like against group probably sure what I mean I agree. Yeah, I mean more even more so than Jewish people
No second most, I guess.
You think Jewish people are more discriminated?
In show business, you at least have community.
In show business, we're either the people that run the media and the entertainment
industry and the people that they put on screen.
I mean, there are no Jews.
I mean, it's like...
I am being so genuine and serious,
and there's no way that I'm possibly be joking
when I say this,
but there is no one more discriminated against
than white people in this current climate.
And you can tell this, and I've told you this before,
is because we don't even have a slur to bring us together.
So we're just divided, We've been divided and conquered.
What if we all started calling ourselves the twins?
I'm not loving the high five as much as I was earlier.
Yeah.
And I think it's because I've opened up
about so much stuff.
It's kind of bullshit that like,
like the Jews like, like, oh, they're like,
the Jews run the media, but they like,
they started Hollywood. Sure. They like started the studios. Well, it's like the Jews run the media, but they like they started Hollywood
She like started the studios. Well, it's like it's our Palestine basically when people are like, oh Jewish people control the banks
It's always like okay. Well, you're just bad with your finances, you know, I wish I
Sports betting I wish I control made an 18 parlay. Yeah, it's terrible odds
Yeah, but it's a lock you're betting on African soccer. You think it's a lock and then you lose. You're betting on girl sports.
And now? Yeah. And then you lose. It doesn't cash out and you're like, oh the Jews.
I could, I think I could beat any girl athlete in any sport ever. I would bet
against you. I think I could bet. Across all boards. I would cook. I would bet
against you in a division four athlete if that is even a division I
just like a intramural like Sunday League yeah no I think I could beat any
girl at any sports ever look women's sports are getting more popular they're
beautiful they're smart they make more money than us they also give birth we
are about to have nothing out of the contracts in the WNBA are getting ridiculous
these days. 50 million 60 million. Oh my god. They're making so much. And well and the thing
is is people are bad at Caitlin Clark's contract. So low. But the season's only like what a
week. I saw a tweet that making that in a week. I was I saw a tweet that was a quote
tweet and said the tweet it was quoting said fellas disgust and it was a picture of
Caitlin and then and then the quotes we said they out here trying to fuck make love it.
It's so funny any girl is just on TV ever and we're like I
Think I would fuck any girl on TV
Yeah, if you don't want me to fuck any girl ever don't put her on the damn TV
Don't put her on the TV goes on the TV. I'm gonna want to fuck her and that's just too damn Gavin
Player
Come on player
Put her on the TV. I dare you to not put her on the TV
yeah what well I dare you for me to not get horny
I don't know how I could dare you but like I'm
I don't know how I could dare you that
but I'm gonna get horny okay I dare you to dare me to not get horny
I'm gonna break that dare oh my god I'll get horny at any girl on like on any even on a sign a picture
You ever jack off to something on Instagram
As a joke of our friend Brandon
Oh
Mr. To them Gavin. Oh man. I was you know I was just on suicide watch
Recently you're watching people kill themselves. No. I was trying I got put on suicide watch cuz I was trying to kill myself
Using carbon monoxide poisoning, but then you didn't have a garage in a car. No. I forgot I I drive a Tesla
That's repeat
So so the thing is the Tesla
Don't have you don't have to explain the joke
Comedians should never have to explain the joke. I want to go ahead explain the Tesla
Monoxide yeah, I put put gas in my friend's Tesla. I
Was gassing my friend up at his gas. I was like no dude this cyber truck is sick. I was like you look good
You don't gotta gas me up in here. He said, it's electric.
That, do you have your notebook? Write it down. Are you doing a spot tonight?
I could, I don't have a spot tonight, but I could have probably hop on somewhere. If
I let him know I'm cooking. Yeah. Tell him you're cooking with a little bit of electricity. So you think you're a good person? You know, I think everyone
doesn't think they're a good person, right? Everyone. But they're like terrified for everyone
else to find out that they're that they're actually not a good person Yeah, I don't think I'm a good person
But like but we are like that's just what being a person is is feeling like you're not a good person
Sure, and try nobody should feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's just you feel good. You're insane
You do stuff all week long then then you're like what the fuck was that that I did and then you think about it later on
And you feel bad about it, right? I, you ever ask somebody like how they're doing
and then they don't answer for a second?
Yeah, sure, maybe.
And then they're like, no, I'm fine.
But it's like for that split second,
they were somewhere else where it was chaos.
Yeah, yeah.
Cause we asked somebody at your show,
we're like, do you think you're a good person?
And he goes, I'd like to think so.
And that's kind of been sticking with me since Monday. I thought what don't you like about that? Oh
I'd like to think so. It's such like a fake answer. Yeah, I'd like to think so. So, you know that you're not
He's done bad. He's done bad. He done bad, but he it's coming off as
Humble. Yeah, I'd like to think I'd like to think I am. But it's like, OK, but you're bad. You're bad. I'd like to think I am means that I've done horrific things in my
past. I think I'd like to think so is worse than being like, no, I'm a good person. Yeah.
Yeah, of course. You should say that because you don't want anyone to find out that you're
a bad person. Right. The whole objective in life is to trick everyone around you into thinking you're a good person.
But if you say, no, I'm a bad person, then people just think you're being funny, so then
they would never actually look into it and you're being honest in the moment.
It's kind of like the-
No, he was telling us who he was.
It's the move of saying you have a small dick and then you pull out a regular dick and then
they're like, all right.
Oh, is that a move?
It's like, it's kind of the classic stop, all right. Oh, is that a move? It's kind of the classic stob, I think.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, it's like you self-deprecate.
And then if you're anything better than atrocious,
then it's a pleasant surprise.
Oh, I have a small dick thing is the thing
a lot of comedians do in a way where they're like,
they'll do jokes about how they're bad at sex.
And then I'm gonna try to f-
You know what I mean?
They're like, oh, they're on stage being like, oh, I'm bad at sex and then I'm gonna try to you know what I mean They're like oh, they're on stage being like oh, I'm bad at. I'm bad at sex
I can't have sex you ever have sex and she doesn't come or
And then and then they use that to endear themselves to make people who are like I could I could fuck him
Good, yeah, and then they they have sex and they use that as like a reverse like psychology
I'm oh, I'm completely over sex.
I'm done with it.
I'm done with it completely.
I still get a little hornet though.
I'm horny for TV girls.
You're horny for television.
But I'm not going to have sex.
I get it dude.
I wish we were in the TV dinner era right now because I just want to sit in front of that thing
with the little hamburger helper.
Hamburger, help me get horny.
Come on, twin.
No, I mean, I think, what was I going to say?
I think that it's just so biological.
Being horny.
Sex.
Oh, sex.
What am I going to have blood? Sex is so biological. Yeah sex. What am I gonna have blood sex is so biological
Yeah, what am I gonna have blood rush into my penis and make it hard and then you're gonna get some goose kind of stuff
Yes, you're horny and your vagina. Oh, so I did do those blood tests this week
Yeah, I was telling you I had to do some lab work where they find hundred percent that bitch
Can we take that clean can we take that clean we do that clean can we do that clean because I kind of had I kind of had a little throat
situation there. Yeah, I was
Throw yeah
and
So you got your testosterone check this week? No, no, you know, I had to get the lab work
I had to get a little blood test. No, you were in the lab. Yeah. Yeah, and
Yeah, yeah, and
Yeah, would you find out you're 100% that bitch?
It's from Lizzo's for Lizzo's yeah, she's good. She's I need her
There's a Lizzo Lizzo I like Lizzo Lizzo stay big stay big respect stay big she's that's who she is That's who she is a percent that bitch. Stay big. Respect. Stay big. She's that's who she is. That's who she is.
That bitch. Come on now. Continue. Yeah so. So what's getting my work. You ever get blood
work done. I think I have. You ever been in that little like lab corp like waiting room.
Yeah I could picture. Insane people. Really. The people in that go that are getting your
you're getting your blood tested around,
it's like social terrors.
But maybe you're the insane one
and they're the normal ones.
Oh maybe, but I'm not sitting with my phone going off
on the ringer and this guy comes in,
he doesn't know how to work the iPad
and he's sitting there and his phone starts going off
and he's like, oh, come on.
He's like, I gotta stop this shit. It's like he could have just and his phone starts going off and he's like, oh, come on.
He's like, I gotta stop this shit.
But it's like, he could have just turned his phone off.
And then he finally answers.
He's like, I told you, be patient.
I gotta get blood work done.
Sir, you have hepatitis C.
Oh my gosh, is hep C real?
I thought I had it.
The hep C, you go through the alphabet with
that. I had to get tested for hep C, B and HIV virus because when I was in college I
was having a lot of stomach issues and I went to this endoscopy center in Las Vegas when
I was home for winter break because my stomach was fucked up and I got a colonoscopy and
an upper endoscopy and then like I was
walking to class and like my dad called me he was like front page news like there's been
an outbreak of it. They were reusing needles unsafe like medical. There's a class. I am
so scared of that. There's a class action lawsuit and he's like turn around right now
you have to get taste tested for hepatitis B C and HIV virus and
then all night I was like me and my friend were like googling who has hepatitis C I was
like oh Ken Watanabe from last samurai has it I guess he's had a go nice Tokyo vice it's
not that bad. I saw the first episode the one Michael man directed it pretty good. Yeah.
He and so Igor got canceled but now he's famous in Japan.
What did he do?
I don't know, some like gray area stuff, maybe.
It could be wrong.
Maybe it's s***, I don't know.
Uh-huh.
We are coming for a lot of people on this,
which means we have maybe done wrong in the past.
Are you stressed right now?
I bring a f***ing s***, and Adam, actually,
you can see a bead of sweat. I'd like to think so
Like to think so that you've done that no
No, I was just trying to think of answers to questions and I remember that guy who said I'd like to think zooming a lot
Yeah, yeah
I did anzalel Elgort sent pictures of his dick around I think. Oh you're saying.
Oh really dude. Maybe not. Maybe it was he actually he did some bad. Yeah. But I just
like you got everyone everyone in Hollywood. You can't just have a guy that like is being
taken around to the sets of various Disney Channel shows and getting it. It's just like what's going on in that industry and we're in that
industry dude and it's. So yeah. Tell me about March 7th 2003. Oh so the Teen Choice Award.
No not the Teen Choice Awards. It all started on the set of fill of the future and what they
didn't tell me is that my future was bleak
I would have gone with the option of just continuously saying just the same riff over and over. It's just like I would have gone with the option of just continuously saying
Just the word penetrated
Guys but seriously we're laughing about something that's not very funny and that's
Quite onset. Yeah quite onset. So if anyone, you know, I don't want to watch that shit my whole life
I wanted to get slimed. Uh-huh
Alright and this is mr. Two damn Gavin everyone. And that's just
two damn Gavin Irvine California this weekend. Please come please come please please please
come please come. They gave me two weeks to sell tickets. Chicago is a massive room.
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