The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ian Fidance - Episode 51
Episode Date: April 27, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Ian Fidance - Episode 51 Go Watch Ian's New Special 'Wild Happy & Free' Here: https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8 Merch: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: http...s://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adamfriedlandshowclips Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tafs Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs Sign up to Patreon for Premium Podcast Episodes and to Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/tafs/ -- LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows May 16 — May 18: Philadelphia, PA @ Helium Comedy Club Jun 7 — Jun 8: Spokane, WA @ Spokane Comedy Club Jul 26 — Jul 27: Ft. Worth, TX @ Hyena's Comedy Nightclub ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #ianfidance #comedypodcast #comedyspecial
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome to the Adam Friedland show podcast. It's right here. Look at that snot.
It's not snot. People, people- I never had to suck on wood, but I know someone who has
Ian Fydance, everyone. We'll come up to him. Promoting his new special. What's it called? Fy dance wild happy and free god damn? Yes available on you reference to live laugh
Hello, what is I am I'm wild I'm happy and I'm free come on and as a gift. What's the name of your special?
Oh, yeah, that's right and um as a gift. I brought you guys matchbooks
Promotional you didn't let me answer my little it's got my little Ghostbuster logo on it.
This is a reference to Ghostbusters.
That's the font.
It's a reference, yeah, it's an homage.
It's an homage.
Have you seen?
I think something's wrong with my brain
because I feel like everything,
I just have deja vu constantly.
Every word that's spoken, everything anybody says to me,
I'm like, is this supposed to be a reference to something?
Yeah, it is you picked up on it. I will be I'll be like a and I'm glad you're here. Mm-hmm
The man who singled handedly
Destroyed Joe Rogan yeah has has ruined the broken bump. That is no longer a thing anymore
It used to make a career it did and now you've you've destroyed that out
He was the biggest name in media and apparently you went on there and you were saying no
It's dead nor deez or criminals or something. What were you talking? What you were talking about?
migrants
Trying to give sex changes to kids or something. Oh, sorry. I want to speak the truth
I saw something on no, I didn't miss informed fucking gross human look I brought you guys
I'm not gross you gave me a match book. That's not a good gift. You're sick. Well. I brought you other gifts
So what's it called? It's a matchbox Adam. It's not a match book. Yeah, it's a match
But it's a box of matches for my special a match book is smaller
That's the kind of thing they give out for free at bars. You know people don't give these out for free. These are for like
That's the kind of thing they give out for free at bars. You know, people don't give these out for free.
These are for like bar mitzvah or something.
Like nice gifts.
Yeah, that's right.
And it's a gift.
Let's see what else you bring.
Can you imagine having a cigar themed bar mitzvah?
Huh?
And you give out, yeah.
Fat Jewish boy cutting his hair.
Right.
And you give out matches for your.
Well, I know that know what else you bring
You know of course. We're just joking around Ian's our best friend. It's great to have you back
Daddy was away you can't light them you can't these are fake cigarettes because I always smoke on the podcast and then me and Nicholas
Talked I said I wouldn't do it so I got you guys fake cigarettes listen to him
I asked you know I wouldn't do it so I got you guys fake cigarettes Why are you listening to him? I asked you not to when he was gone
So I was gone I was gone guess what I come back to Adams ripped one of the buttons off the chair
Do you have to be babysat at all times I
Also got
Adam it's like a $14,000 chair
Look at it. Look at this. Look what happened here. Adam! It's like a $14,000 chair. Have some respect.
You have no spine.
You know that, Ian. You have no spine.
And you have no penis. I could see through your clothes.
You know I have no-
Oh, that's cool. You know that's not true.
You don't even have a pussy.
You're like a Ken doll.
You have less sexuality than even a child would.
Why am I the Ian on the podcast right now because it's how things go yeah now
Um why I got you a little gift Adam, okay?
What is it got you pay us a pay us wig
From the joke store next door why are they silver because he's an old soul. Okay. I like that
That's the first nice thing you've said. There, put those on.
Do I look like Little Bo Peep a little bit?
Hahaha!
I actually wore Peus on the inaugural episode.
Take the, um, take the tag off.
And...
Oh, you left the price on.
Oh, my bad.
Yeah, I did spend a pretty penny on this.
Where are you coming from? Where were you before this?
You like the costumes, though. No, no, no. Obviously. Oh, I did R. pretty penny on this where you coming from where were you before this?
No, no, I obviously I did already garbage this morning. No, but I mean it like were you on the road recently Oh, yeah, Chicago Chicago's ain't easy. It was awesome. What did you do in Chicago?
We don't talk comedy on this podcast, but we do talk towns
Yeah, what I do in Chicago the town is we're rebranding the show is talk of the town talk of the town
I will say I will say this I feel like I've
Punished the audience enough
Because I get the criticism I despise the most mm-hmm in the old days was oh
What you just have to talk for an hour how hard could that be so I said okay?
I will give you a year of showing you what just talking for an hour looks like if you want to see
What that is here it is. This is just talking for an hour now. Here's the difference
Seeing BAM
BAM yeah, now now I'm back that with Joe gay you think you got
I'm back to
I don't like this that you think you can come for me.
Anyways.
Go ahead Nick.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm gonna regulate right after you say what you want.
Regulate!
I will say today though, I am not in the mood to podcast.
It's a nice day out.
It's Earth Day 2.
Yesterday was Earth Day and I would like to be outside.
Let's go outside after this.
What if we potted outside?
Well, there's no way.
We don't have the infrastructure anymore.
It'd be cool to, but also it'd be cool to just hang.
You know, the day my Rogan episode came out,
I flew a kite in the park with friends.
When was the last time you did that?
It was so beautiful.
You and Joe Rogan went and flew a kite no no
He was like dude. I'm gonna show you electricity is not even
We found his electricity is fake
He's like let watch this blow your mind. We are I had Adolf Hitler on last week
He told me electricity is fake. Oh speaking of which I got Adam this mustache
Please put that on
Speaking of which, I got Adam this mustache. Oh, perfect.
Please put that on.
Oh, very funny.
With the payas.
Yeah, it's so funny.
The Holocaust.
There you go.
So now that you've done Rogan, are you voting for RFK Jr.?
I was already going to, but now I most certainly am.
Has he done Rogan?
He must have.
He has.
Imagine listening to three hours of that speaking.
You'd probably go deaf. I think you would go deaf if you had to listen to our case speak for more than an hour
You know in fifth grade
We voted for a kid to be president of our school because he made the morning announcements and we all voted for him because he had
a terrible voice and after a week we were like this was a
Horrible mistake. Yeah, just every morning hearing that a shrill. There you go
No, we kept them. Oh
And Nick I got you this it's a raccoons tail
With raccoon ears and does it oh, I thought it was one of those ones you put in a bag of chips
Oh, I should have gotten that that would have been great if I said hey
I got you some ball you put it in a bag you knock the the trash can over you put the ball. Oh your plan is backfiring
Because Nick's a cute little raccoon. Oh damn now you're David Draymond from disturbed. Oh shit
That's about Gaza, that song.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and Kabul.
And you'd have to be a little disturbed
to not recognize what's going on over there.
Professional comedian Ian Fiedein.
That's pretty bad.
We're going to listen to his special.
So what's happening now at Columbia University?
They've called in the National Guard
to kill the students for protesting. Yeah. Yes, oh
That would be honestly it would be I mean it would be very funny if I if the army showed up and shot
hundreds of Palestinian students
They're not even Palestinian students, I know they're like
No
They're just like regular
People they're regular suit, they're all white.
Can I go there?
Can I go and start my own protest?
You could.
Can I go to Columbia?
What would you protest?
I don't understand what their demands are.
I don't think they have any.
Do the students know that Columbia University can't
end the war? That's what I was thinking.
They're now doing it at Yale, they're doing it at Columbia.
I think they're starting now at NYU. Yale is interesting interesting because isn't Yale. I thought Yale was the conservative school
I thought that was for Republicans the WASP one
Yeah, I thought I would imagine they would all be pro-Jones. Well my buddy goes to Columbia
And he's like I hope they protest till forever because we're getting free Chipotle because the school's like it's dangerous
Stay on campus. We'll give you food so you don't have to leave is it not
So this is all part of some awesome. This is all part of some
Scam mmm some Chipotle based scam mmm is that possible a rebrand?
Because Chipotle got people sick and now they are I just walked outside
He's right. It's still Chipotle they had it is what are you talking about? You're the okay? Let's go
Todd Barry a man named bod Terry mentally disabled black guy. He's got great bodies in the 1930s
Just how about it? I don't know how about that
What would his job be same?
What would his job be? The same.
Bod, Terry?
It's just, bye Terry.
I'm the most famous person on this job.
Now are pyros coming back?
That's what everyone's worried about.
People are lighting themselves on fire.
There is, yeah.
That guy, he recommended CumTown on Reddit.
Shut up, really?
Yeah. Bray said he was a true non- fan. I was initially somebody told me that over the weekend
I was like oh no, but then I realized the guy didn't he well. He's not like a mass shooter
He just set himself on fire. It's kind of like kind of like an unselfish way to
it's not a big jump to say that
the jump to say that the Buddhist monks in Vietnam would be fans of mine if they
had heard of me. The rage against the machine. The rage against the machine. Yeah.
Yeah. You could say that in some ways I stopped the Vietnam War. Wouldn't it be
great if they were self-immolating and they just had a speaker of old come town bits playing
Yeah, I would like to shave my head dress up like a monk and then sit down and like a outside of a protest or something
And then I have a gas can with me, but then I'm just pouring diarrhea
And I just sit there very stoically just covered in diarrhea classic snafu
I just sit there very stoically just covered in diarrhea classic snafu
Stinky and then yeah people are like what's going on? I'm like I thought it was a gas or you're still doing the accent
It's a coon dude accent yeah yeah what the hell did you say the Mars Timothy Chalamet and
blackface over here the Martin Scorsese movie coon dude have you seen that I've
never seen a dune yeah it's that's the that one is the the race system is it
yeah dune too the one he's coon dune what's that it's a movie dude about Martin Lawrence
I rewatched national security ever see that it's good. It's good, but it's not as good as blue streak I
Saw all those movies in the theaters really yeah, I saw Jack and Jill in theaters twice Adam used to live in Dave Matthews
Is in that movie yeah? Yeah, Alamo Drafthouse Adam was raised by a family of raccoons, and they lived in a movie theater at one point
Does this bring you back? Yeah? Yeah, that's the cool
You're gonna you thought you were gonna dig on him with the raccoon tail
Shout out to our friend Jamel Johnson. You have a great bit about a raccoon tail butt plug. What was it?
I remember it was very funny
Excellent. How am I with the pussy tiggler? It's such an amazing. What now you're sucking up to Ian
I'm not what do you mean? How am I sucking up to you? Yeah, you are by making fun. I'm making a joke
Now I'm sucking up to yeah yeah you are by making fun I'm making a joke now I'm sucking up the yeah because because because two people out of the millions
of people that don't like you in this world okay first of all millions is an
exaggeration first of all the hundreds of millions about 2,000 people that you
know I am that the judge what are the odds and about 19 in the same room at the same time
And they're sucking up to each other because they have a they just happen to notice a shout-out to derailing the show
This here come in the middle of bit doesn't matter. Let's mention Jamal Johnson. Oh by the way
I was raised to continue not even his own joke
Oh shout out frame it as shout out the Jamal Johnson going to make a joke and then what's the joke?
I don't even remember. I don't want to do his bit. All right, I'll do it. I don't even know I've been on the tumblers
They got raccoon tail butt plugs y'all. Uh-huh. What are you gonna do if you bring a rat raccoon?
This is a sack to your house
The joke is that she's tearing wires out of walls and you're like
Stephanie get inside. It's and he changes the holiday every time he tells a joke. He'd be like it's Easter
It's it's Yom Kippur. My family's here. Adam did this bit in its entirety in Irvine over the weekend. He was drunk and he
accidentally stole the whole. He's like I think I got this new raccoon thing And now he's saying and then and then when people are like he did that and that is a tear
Did you catch your girlfriend's inability to tell stories from her?
Did she bite you and why why is she catching shrapnel right now? What's wrong with your arm?
Yeah, what are you even doing?
Why are you doing that? I don't like this
Yeah, what are you doing? Why are you doing that? I don't like this
What are you doing? I don't know why I was doing that. Oh, so you're holding an old cell phone You're trying to get better service this Pete. Give me a beep this
Things he's a Statue of Liberty
Yeah, I'm a mother fucking take your poor
Liberty Oh, you're tired! What? He thinks he's the Statue of Liberty. He thinks, my man said, where my French poem at?
My man got spikes for a hat.
My man said, give me your tired, your weak, and I'll suck on them.
Uh huh.
And I'll suck that.
You tired, speaking of tired, my jaw's tired from sucking on all these M grants.
Am I the statue or am I in love with the statue the statue?
They have a statue in India. That's a guy and it's raping a bunch of women four times bigger than the Statue of Liberty
It's just a guy like I think he was like part of the liberation. Are you talking about the Jesus statue in Brazil?
No, I'm talking about in sorry about the Jesus statue in Brazil. Yeah, thanks Brazil and in sorry about the jesus statue in brazil Yeah, he thinks of brazil and in the air the same thing yeah just cuz they're brown
Shut up
Open up grinder calm it's not grinder calm it's just look up but there's sniffies calm
What's nifty he doesn't even know what grinder is that's how bad at being gay you are go to I know I'm miserable
I can't get it right. I got some blue chew if you want some no, I don't need it for a guy
Why do you want to go on my phone look up the statute in India of the guy? It's crazy
How I guess I type in statue India in India of the guy big-ass guy. I guarantee it's so big
Ready yeah, I hope big guy in the is your website
Search it on X videos. We've got a big guy. It's crazy. What if we had a big guy?
What is this for yeah, he's cool guy, you know. We just make a big guy who's gonna
Just doesn't commemorate anything
Adam, there's nothing showing up
Look it up
Is it the Colossus of Rhodes?
No, I think it's the Statue of Unity
Yeah
That's nice
So it's not just a guy it represents unity no it's
a guy that was like a leader of the liberation from the quit India movement
is that what it's called stop India quit India stop yeah quit India was that the
the liberation from the British it was quit I barely remember the history of
this but there was like Gandhi's nonviolent thing And then there was the quit India one which was violent and and the reality is is that the violent one?
Was cooler was actually the one that was successful. They were like you should have told me you're going on Rogan
I could have filled you with bullshit like this to say to him
I could have just lied to you for fucking two days. You could have told him anything
You know
Yeah, Joe did you know Indian people were Chinese until like 200 years ago
And then they evolved around because the water was contaminated. Yeah, I've been I've been studying about it
You know to Brita filter is why they ended up stopping to evolve in Joe
Ten facts about India's statue of unity the world's tallest statue is Adam you were right
Statue of Liberty is how many?
Feet you think hi it is I'll bet you 20 bucks you do not know dick high of that guy dig hail
Dick hi as tall as his penis now kneecap
kneecap
Down to was a really 152 feet and this guy is
597 feet so sick good for India, right? Is that part of an amusement park?
It's like they're like mal rushmore
You go with your family or something
Why is the guy go to any statue with your family? Who is the guy?
the guy We got to do a any statue with your family. Who is the guy? The guy?
We gotta do a little read-a-rooney-doony here, Adam.
Adam, read it up.
Adam, I don't have the copy.
You have to wait a minute and 30 seconds.
It's on your phone.
Gujarat government reportedly relocated 185 families to make...
Gujarat is a sick name. That's what they should have called
Splinter oh yeah, the gujarat Gucci rat dude
It takes humbleness if you want to kill straight that you gotta you gotta flex on him
You gotta flex on him
So these are prop cigarettes, mm-hmm, it's pretty cool you can't smoke real ones. Yeah
I'm not looking
So Ian in your new special you say you say that um, What is this Byron Allen? What?
Go ahead.
Nothing.
Comics uncut by Byron Allen.
So your penis is what it is.
So your foreskin is longer than your penis.
Tell us about your penis.
I've never watched that show.
It's been on forever.
What's the deal?
That guy just made his own TV show.
Dude, he made his own TV show is like a bajillionaire.
What kind of loser
He but every fucking thing is a lead-in to a bit
like it's not just like
But it's so transparent. He sets a lead into a bit. Yeah, like so you've been
Traveling recently you were with guy Gerard, right and you go. Yeah, you know the thing about Gajarat
You know that's one of that Gajarat has got to be one of the best comics working today
Yeah, killing it on Netflix India
Are you are you ready to win Mother's Day? Yeah, you're very close with your mother
I am she just as you want to win to Mother's Day? Yeah, you're very close with your mother. I am she just as you want to win to Mother's Day
He's going through your track listing I guess no no
First track on my
Winning Mother's Day of the mom in your life and or a digital frame
Preloaded with decades of family photos. Yeah, I or oh pull out the fucking thing dude. It's behind you
Do you actually have one you have one here? I?
Put them all I made this nice little area behind the stage
I was like here's all the products for the ad read. Oh, that's great, and then Adam destroyed it
He's got doo-doo and garbage in there. Why'd you put doo-doo on the nice products? I don't know
It's every time I come in here. It's a mess
I'm out of here. I'm out of here a week. I come back. He's got shit thrown all over the fucking place
Is this cool
Yeah, I'll be Vanna white I had such a crush on her when I was younger
Still looks good, dude, and she's got 200 fucking years old hot so old
Looks good dude, and she's got 200 fucking years old hot so old
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You can keep updating mom's frame with new photos. That's from an ass so she's in Delaware
You're putting new pics on that you put yeah
Shit, you can update it from your phone.s. Oh no shit. That's kinda cool.
From your phone.
That's cool.
If you have a, let's say a senior citizen in your family, you've got a forgetful senior
president.
They love this.
President Joe Biden.
You buy him this, and then every day he wakes up, he's like, who the hell is that?
And they're like, that's your son that died.
Now you can remember him. It's Bo's Bo look we've got Bo on the screen
My ex-girlfriend got so mad at me when Bo Biden died
I cried and she was like you've never cried over anything was that like a big Delaware. Oh, yeah, he was
Mad he was bad though, right? No Bo Biden was amazing. He was great. He was a wonderful
Attorney general he was really trying to turn things around around This is this just means that you had a secret. I sucked them used to go to the review
My high school guidance counselor was his wife and she's the woman that hunter Biden then
Had sex with after bo biden died. She was really into that stuff
Yeah for like six months. I got really into the hunter biden stuff and it has
Failed to deliver spectacularly
What delivered a little and I just want to just be your dick
I mean and that's the kind of it is a very much a Delaware style scandal
It's a nothing that it's like, you know, I guess that's a beach. Yeah, I guess by Philly. I guess that's a scandal
Yeah, it's a little thing. It'll keep people busy for a while
I guess that's that's sort of guys right now
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Literally said Adam on fire. Sorry. how did that happen I did for Palestine you're sure
caught on fire Ian this is why I said don't smoke in here sorry and I don't
mean I don't mean like bring fake cigarettes and then light more fires
like bring fake cigarettes and then light more fires. Sorry.
My bad.
That was crazy.
Shut up.
That was crap.
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Oh yes.
Time for round two.
I think about these things, right? So I said. You knew I was coming was coming I said we need a fire extinguisher
We need it right here. That's actually what I got my mom for Christmas a fire extinguisher
Yeah, why checked in her old one was like super expired and I just always think like terrible accidents are gonna
So yeah our frames they're really good you can put pics you can put all kinds of crazy fucking pictures in there
It's cool. Is there a promo code because I would actually buy that
Fs now I know yeah go there be 30 bucks off
We've I've already get I've actually already gifted they because they sent us a couple as a you know
To show on the show for the the audience and stuff. I've already given these away and they have been a smash
Hit mm-hmm. Let me tell you yeah
Yeah, my grandma loved this way more than the blue chew that I had been
Really? Yeah. Oh Nick my clits enormous. Yeah, I got her. I got her an account
Yeah, Oh Nick my clits enormous. Yeah, I got her I got her an account on a sports
Dick pills she's my draft queen and this one I tell you this was finally this one was the ones What pic do you put on it for my grandma? What picture you put on?
That one of Hitler is like a little girl. Oh
Yeah, he's wearing the dress great head of hair. Yeah great head of hair
baby, Hitler had a
Beautiful head of hair gorgeous. Have you seen it flowing locks not flowing but like a mushroom cut
Really? Yeah look like toad from Super Mario
And then he did the whole could someone hack into that and put like dick pics on your grandma
No, that's his 100 our frames are 100% hack proof
Uh-huh. This is the whole thing is designed by the NSA
So there's no way that this could ever that could ever happen
But that would be epic if you had would be grandma dude, that would be that would be so epic
Are there did you get new tattoos all over your arms or get them recolored? No, they're just done really well
What they're there are in D tattoo. They're not a faded at all
I know
That's new Daniel Strauss rich fine. Rizvah you're saying these names like I'm supposed to be like, oh wow
You don't know
Rich five. Yeah R&D. They're gray man. I mean they look like stickers. You know yeah
I think they're awesome, and this these are all they're all from dark winged duck. They are yes
I'm a big dark winged duck fans a lot of sailor Jerry's dark winged duck crossovers
Yeah, you really have a suicide girl aesthetic about you. Thank you. Did you have tattoos prior to like
two years ago? Oh yeah. You didn't have? My lower body's covered. Oh yeah. I don't
cover it from my chest down. I just started doing my arms. Oh yeah. I had
never seen sleeves before. Yeah I finished my leg sleeves and then I started
working on my arms. And you are against tattoos. You would never get one. Yeah in
the Holocaust we had to get them.
You don't want to get a couple numbers on your arm
like in remembrance.
It's not funny.
It's funny to me.
It's not funny.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha.
I actually think the Holocaust is funny to me.
Yes I do.
It's a wizard.
No you don't.
You don't have to be dead baby joke guy.
Mickey Mouse as a rat.
Mm-hmm. It looks like you. Yeah. Oh, this joke guy Mickey Mouse as a rat. Mm-hmm. Oh, it looks like you
Geez smoking a cigarette that's yours. You do really resemble a rotor. Yeah
You really do?
Thank you like the rat fink what what is that?
Yeah, it's a it's like um hot rod. Yeah hot rod design. Yeah the rat fink
This is kind of like a rat fink, but it's just a rat disguises Mickey Mouse smoking a cigarette
You know
Yeah, I respect everyone. No you've your tattoos. Yeah, this is a Phillies tattoo. That was a mistake
Matt stares actually, you know Matt stairs
Into the night home run against the Los Angeles Dodgers 2008
I went to both game
Game three in both game fives you did it was amazing
Yeah, and the parade my boss said if I if you show up to work after they win the World Series
I'll let you take off work for the parade
This blackout for like a week. Really? What was the job construction? I was a carpenter
And I found out when I did my amends to him for your boss
Yeah, what is that like you mean the 12th step? Yeah
Which step is that? Six?
The, um, no, the ninth step.
What's six?
Um, six is a, no, step four is fearless moron inventory.
Six is, six is one last beer.
Right?
Yeah, yeah.
Step seven is giving it one last shot.
Step five is plan your child's birthday step six
One one last beer to show you can handle her old times
Yes
It's a Sunday step seven is rewatching her stellar
The good they can't pass there's the one step stop drinking
Yeah, but it's not about I'm pitching the one step program stop drinking the fucking booze
Apologize to your boss. No, you don't need to apologize Danny
Anybody fucking shit, can we hear what you did to your boss? No, I cuz my last day of work
I showed up drunk and he I
He told me to leave and I was done so I went I got another half gallon and then that was a day that
My friends came and like threw me in the detox, but I was too drunk
So they wouldn't let me into detox so they put me in a hospital
And I just found out cuz I was blackout for a while my buddy
told me I tried to leave the hospital
And he had to punch me in the head and then like they had to drag me back into the hospital bed
And I like spiked my AV bag like a football and I was spraying blood. I was like just give me fuck
I'll be starting to think I would like to be in a mental institution
Be nice it'd be like a spa. Yeah. Yeah, like chief just have a break. Mm-hmm. Yeah, just have a lie down
I rewatched one flow over the kookas nest and you know why Jack Nicholson's in there
Yeah, he's an actor 15 year old girl's pussy. Yeah, and and he says that the doctor goes
Yeah, when you got that 15 year old red snapper, yeah in front of your face. You can't say no dog at the dog
Yeah, he's really loco that guy Sniper yeah in front of your face. You can't say no dog at the dock Yeah
That guy
I get it brother look. Yeah, it's just kind of what wait. What'd you do your boss though? Oh, so years later. I went it
high five okay foot five so I went in to make an amends and I'm like, hey man, I appreciate you giving me so many chances
and I really fucked up but things are really good now
and I just wanted to come to you
and give you my sincerest apologies
and I'm willing to do whatever I can to make it up to you.
And he goes, yeah, I never fired you.
I just told you to go home and sober up
and then you never came back to work. And I was like, what? He goes, yeah never fired you. I just told you to go home and sober up and then you never came back to work
And I was like what he goes. Yeah, you quit I go at this whole time
I thought you fired me so I could have gone back to my job. Wait. I have a question
Huh, so if someone's doing that step, right? Yeah, let's say it's your ex-girlfriend. Yeah, and then she calls you and she's like
There I had a train run on me because I was drinking it was like 15
I had a train run on me because I was drinking. It was like 15, 17, like 25 guys.
And you didn't know that. You've been living the last five years not even knowing that.
And she's doing it to make amends. It's kind of selfish.
Well, they-
It's kind of better for the person not to know.
It is, which is why they say-
Yeah, but most apologies are in a situation where the other person doesn't know.
You're specifically
I'm just saying if someone's doing that no no I'm not talking about very specific
Are you asking or like if someone is doing that Adams?
They're telling you something in the argument. No no no no kind of selfish no and then the example
You something that one where you don't know anything's happened because like for example your girlfriend's fucked 15 dollars after two beers.
Okay fine fine fine fine.
And your dad, your dad tells you that he was drinking non-alcoholic beer.
And she had a, your dad tells you-
She had a Celsius Peach vibe and fucked an entire-
Your dad tells you that-
An entire bobsled team.
Your dad tells you that he like-
They drove the bobsled into her pussy.
That he like-
They had- Feel the rhythm!
Feel the ride!
They used the slide in a McDonald's play place to all slide into her c***.
Adam, I just ended up putting my legs like this at the bottom of the slide.
You're kind of selfish, no?
If I didn't know that, if I didn't know that, it's not necessary that I find that out.
Yeah, but most of your
Are like I'm sorry. I drove your car through your living room I'm just saying if they tell you something that you did you did what of course I'm not talking about that
I'm saying if they're telling you something you didn't know it's kind of not worth it
Well, it's an honest program and you were to be honest
When it is for the benefit of the situation and if the harm
answer to my question that I mean finish you know no I'm saying that that answers
my question I get it now if if it were to harm you yeah it's better to not be
honest in that way you know what I mean well to harm the other person yes yes
yeah okay that makes sense yeah so if your dad says like oh yeah like I pimped
you out into sex slavery and you don't remember it because you've suppressed it
Is it worth telling you that? Oh, yeah that that tale is all this time
I'm trying to think of something else besides a girlfriend get having a slide going into her pussy
That is very funny
Rubble rubble
Why do they have why do they have a playground that McDonald's I never really do you remember when McDonald's used to be a restaurant
That was like a delicacy when I was growing
No one calls it a restaurant everyone. What are you talking? It's a great restaurant. They everyone calls it a restaurant
What do you think it is? It's a fast-food restaurant. What do you know a men's club? What else would you call?
No, no, I mean a restaurant
What else would you call it a fast food joint? No, you're using sled a fast food joint
Okay, okay, you're right. You're right
I remember when McDonald's was a rest no no a restaurant in the sense that it was a big ordeal to go down and sit
With your family at at a at As if it were a restaurant. What do you mean? No ordeal McDonald's with my family really down?
Oh, that was a huge deal for me and my family to go into McDonald's on a Friday night
Down meal, okay. Yeah, so to answer your question. No, I
Don't relate to your obscenely white trash. Yeah
family dinner
Nice shirt to go to McDonald's we had to put on your nice restaurant. I would rather eat shit alone
Thinking I'm having a nice night out with my family
Nice night out with my family. Wait, you told me a story about it.
It was the 90s.
You had neighbors that used to do that.
I did.
They did it.
I didn't go with them, but they went to Burger King and did that.
They dressed up nice.
It was like an after church thing.
And even as a child, I was like, this is disgusting.
They're losers.
It's Burger King.
It's worse.
Right.
It was a celebratory thing.
It was after, I remember remember specifically we have pictures after like
first grade graduation we as a family went out to McDonald's like a nice meal. You were the first in your family? Yeah yeah yeah it was a big deal. It was a big deal.
In fact in my inquiry why the hell do they have a play, why do they have slides? For kids to play.
Yeah but who's I mean I guess this kind of derails that thought process
But because what I'm saying is it's like I mean it's like I need somebody to look after my kids while I have burgers
That's like I'm too busy eating my burgers and fries used to be I can't watch my own son
It used to be a restaurant. That's what I'm saying. It used to be a family destination
Regular restaurants, if you took your family to Red Robin,
a much better place.
If you took your family to Red Robin, it wouldn't be like,
I need to focus on my burger right now.
I need a baby.
I need child care.
Right.
I need somebody to look after.
To leave the kid unattached.
It was a time when parents spent time with their children.
And you'd take them to the playground area.
You wouldn't just let them run wild.
The parents don't go in the playground though. You you watch the kids in the playground
Right
My dad's not a pedophile. Yeah, I don't I don't think adults are allowed in that area. Yeah
I think it's a weird thing where they're trying to they're like, oh, they saw Chuck E Cheese happening
I'm like we got to do something. Oh, yeah. Yeah What if we got a slide in a ball pit, and it seemed like a very half-assed
I guess the Burger King doesn't have one. I don't know I
Can count on one hand the amount of times I've been to Burger King in my life about Discovery Zone
You ever go there yes, and I interestingly enough Ryan
McClure what's his name?
Ryan Gentry why am I? Interestingly enough, Ryan McClure, what's his name?
Ryan Gentry, why am I struggling? He was on our show two weeks ago,
I've known him a decade plus.
Ryan McGonagall.
Ryan Donahue.
Ryan Donahue.
Oh Donahue, yeah.
He just brought up Discovery Zone.
Really?
I don't remember his name,
but I remember him bringing up Discovery Zone.
Wow.
See, deja vu.
Yeah.
That's another example. Yeah. discovery zone was a fun time. Do you ever play laser tag?
I remember going once and being like expecting in my mind to be like
I'm gonna be awesome at this and just doing terrible and then then I was like there's no appeal to this to me at all
It's a room where everybody's covered in calm
It's an evidence locker. It's a room where everybody's covered in cum. It's an
evidence locker. It's not a game. I don't like this. I don't like, I don't like
everyone can see how much cum is all over my face.
Not even your cum!
I'm hair!
I'm soaking wet!
I'm soaking in I'm so cute
This is embarrassing yeah
Yeah, it was a different kind of laser tag where they would not on you
Like that scene at like the end of silence of the lambs re is watching the woman with the he's got the gun Oh, yeah, and he got a sit all close. He said he's just nodding on her face
Then it's showing up on the black light
Sad you dr. Lector. Is that you out there in the dark nodding on me. She great big fat lady
Put the not all over
Go to laser tag
Now get in the ball pit
join the BK Kids Club.
Join the BK Kids Club.
It joins the BK Kids Club.
It puts the lotion in the basket so we can go to the family restaurant.
Burger King really was fucking pathetic, especially with the BK Kids Club thing.
Just these stupid fucking cartoons.
Like no one had any interest in that.
No one cared about it. I liked it it liked it you did know name one of them
I can't exactly name any of them. Just like I can't name one of the Captain Planet kids
You're you're a man child obsessed with the past okay?
I can name one of the Captain Planet kids wasn't there one heart well heart you learn power
But the kids name was moddie yeah, there's there's Wheeler. Yeah, we could do that, easy.
And that was some gay ass show about recycling.
So, like, easy, we can name Captain Planet characters.
But not a single one.
Wait, was Wheeler the one in the wheelchair?
No, Wheeler was like a badass.
He was fire.
Matty was the black kid.
Wasn't Matty one of them? I remember that was the monkey that the like Guatemalan boy had
He had a monkey. Yes. He was like Aladdin 2.0. One of them wasn't racist enough
They were like people might think this kid's white and it's like let's give him a monkey that he talks to
That way people know he's Latino
Talks to him that way people know he's Latino
South America and not a white man
We don't have the right crayons to draw him as raciously as we want we'll give him a monkey that he can communicate with
Let me look this up, and that's not true at all. That's not a kid. That's not even part of the show. I just made that up
It's not I think that's right right wasn't there yeah, there was like a little there's like a round kid with a monkey
Amazon the red hair one was the fire
Yeah, Wheeler and then who was the black kid was a
like water maybe
But I don't know his name.
D Anthony or something. DeAndre.
DeAndre.
DeAndre Watkins.
And then there was a blonde girl too, right?
But the Burger King Kids Club, I do not remember.
I just remember, I can kind of see their faces, but I Burger King Kids Club. I do not remember. I just remember I can kind of see their faces
But I remember they had little toys that the plastic felt good on my fingers
Really? Yeah, you see the play-doh
No, I wasn't eat play-doh kid you are yeah salty. I liked it
Well, Adam's still Adam's still a booger eater to this day. Really? No I'm not.
No he's a booger saver for later guy cause it's on your sleeve.
That was awesome that you lit him on fire.
That was one of the best things I've ever seen in my decade of podcasting.
That was incredible.
It's flicking, not even like trying to, but just flicking a match at Adam and setting him on fire on his own show.
You got set on fire on his own show
Wild happy and free bitch, that's the gayest name for a special over. What would you name yours bigger and blacker, too?
Monotone and sad mines my next one is going to be called gay Jo List.
Poor Jo List. Jo List is gay.
So I'm going to pay even more this time.
I spent $200,000 for fucking like cranes and shit.
And it's just my next special it's terrible.
He's the nicest guy I know. I have no plan. You know I just read about fucking an hour.
There's nothing halfway through. I'm like yes sir. That is something we said on the
podcast. This is called Joe list is gay. Well why would you why would you call it? I guess he has a special maybe
I'm gay or so. Yeah, maybe. No, I guess it's it's mutually beneficial. You know, I really
like being called gay, but you know, nothing wrong with anything gets eyes on the page.
I'm sorry for for insulting the name of your special. It's okay
Gaya voiced by whoopee Goldberg captain planet
Here okay here the plan tears from top left. Gee Kwame linka Mati and realer
Yeah
Yeah, so Gee is the Korean one
Kwame is the
Hailing from Africa the power of Earth Wheeler from Brooklyn, New York Wheeler controls power fire
linka
Let's see. What race is that? Was she the blonde girl? Yeah, she's she's German from the Soviet Union, right?
Right linka has the power of wind
Which mean I like it if link a blue
Ghee Link has a power to suck start a Chevrolet Asia
Water power of water Mati from Brazil
Here we go. Yeah, my tea wields the power of heart and sushi Mati's pet spider monkey
So Mati has a monkey. Yeah, oh man. I've been watching the spider monkey on Instagram cute
They put it in a little diaper cutest thing in the world
Flies through the window hops on a skateboard. Oh
Do you think you'd have the patience to train a raccoon or a monkey to be your pet?
Uh, I wouldn't train it
No, no, I would like tolerate it. Mm-hmm. And if it's shit too much, I'd go go back to the Amazon
No, no, I'm talking about a monkey not your girlfriend
Were you laughing in the back?
Okay, that's good, I don't want to die alone either I love you
why but we all die alone question is can you die alone with yourself shut up
it's true
what did I say to you before Nick came back we should get some kind of AI thing that edits a normal laugh on top of yours
When you laugh on the show it just sounds like Paula poundstone I
Have a lot in common with her want child abuse
Comically large suits Boston. Mm-hmm
She was one of the first stand-up tapes I ever had her Drew Carey and Tim Allen
We had a tape. Yeah, my mom got me stand-up tapes from Sears. Oh, they had like actual VHS
I see for whatever reason I was imagining like tape like their tapes. Oh, no that they had like phone
Selves it for like a special yeah that you were like submit that you got from like a comedy condo no
You know what I mean? Oh like the little like mini DV. Yeah, no no it was uh
It was VHS tapes from Sears, and it was Paula Poundstone and Drew Carey on one and I
think Tim Allen and I think Ellen on another or maybe it was Paula Poundstone
and Ellen and then Drew Carey and Tim Allen I think. You think that that formed
your like sexual appetite? Especially the Paula Poundstone Ellen one? Well I think
it's pretty funny I didn't realize what I was when I was younger cuz one of my favorite shows is grace under fire with Brett Butler
Is that even a gay show to like no, but it's like a female-led show and yeah, I like
Identified with her like I should have known I was gay cuz I love suddenly Susan
Just a fucking loser. What are you talking?
She had a deep voice if I remember.
I loved Murphy Brown.
I did, I did, I loved Murphy Brown.
Murphy Brown was great.
Oh my god.
I couldn't get enough of Who's the Boss.
So I should have known that I was a home-op.
Mad About You was one of my favorites.
Wings, you ever watch Wings?
Was that the one that was like Jag?
Wings was about like... Yeah, Wings was like watch wings. I don't remember was that the one that was like Jag Wings was about wings was like Jag but funny. Yeah, it was about like a sitcom airline people. Yeah, like yeah. Yeah
Yeah, on USA Tony Shalhoub was on there Jag was huge
That was a huge I don't remember Jag. I thought lawyers. I don't remember either
I don't think I've ever seen a single episode of it. I just mean culturally
Jag was that was like, you know, that was like the
That was like the Harlem Globe Trotter
Just had such airline television
Well, they weren't airline they were like they were like it's not airlines. They're like Air Force. That's right
Yeah, you think the same for judicial adjunct a judicial attorney brother general or something that I knew
Judge advocate general see he knows am I too old to join the military yes
You're also too much today's episode is also brought to you by Lucy our good friends at Lucy
I see this is what you call a make good which is when you do an ad read
Because let's hear it well, let's see when I already got an attitude no cuz I'm
Mistake I made a miss I was out of town. I said Adam. Can you handle things? Well, I'm gone
Uh-huh, because you had a problem and made for your nicotine routine
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routine straight to your door 100% pure nicotine always tobacco-free choose your form pouches breakers or gum now do you have do you have it behind the stage
please can you know I'm a smoker we might not can you go check it please
we go in the box and I have it no Adam it's not on Pete it's all have it he's
back in the box I put them in the box if they've been removed today box no they've been all there I think in
No, Ginsburg did not take them. I set up the box with the items
To be shown to nice for me to try it on Lucy is a ace
I guess you would call it a series of different nicotine products
What is that? Oh, you're taking good. Yeah. No,
please. And don't, and that's not going to be a bit. That's for real. I mean it. Anyway,
so Lucy is a series of nicotine based products. No on the product. They have a gum. They have
a breakers. They have a pouch and then they have breakers which are which I think might be an
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You're taking money out of my fucking children's mouth
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Huh? Hmm. Oh, I was just saying you're bad or whatever. Does you do whatever?
Why huh? I wanted to try it, but after hearing you. I'm just
Doesn't sound appealing, but you like it hearing you talk about maybe kind of yeah
Yeah, you should try it well
I'm just saying at the fact that he's stolen it is evidence enough that because they sent us
Probably what you would consider to be a lifetime supply
I mean they gave us a lot of it and he's selfishly taking it all home to hoard it. Yeah
And I was gonna be like, I don't know somebody else did it it's somebody else's fault put these back on
I
Like the the straps. It's kind of like lingerie. That's what I was thinking
It's like this lady kind of looks like a garter belt. Come on
I was like, it looks like a garter belt
You know what you would do if the Holocaust started he'd be like this is for nothing We and then you'll see one me and him would probably go to barcade. Yeah, that's what we didn't have it back then
I know I mean if it had now now now
new Holocaust, too
I would as we're at barcade in Williamsburg while I was
being put on a train I would probably so insulting in World War two that would be
a bad friend to get one of those rifles that they had oh those are sick I mean
one of the guys that we only I don't care about the war at all I'm just there
to kill a German and take him one of his cool guns a Luger. Yeah a Luger the fucking Mauser the sig
The the Navy SEAL pistol do you ever shooting? Yes, so fun. Yeah, I love it. Mm-hmm
Yeah, I went last time I was in Austin and then when I lived in Austin, I would go yeah
Yeah, we went if we went skeet shooting in Austin. Yeah, that was fucking great. You ever go skeet shooting
No, but you sent me the video.
Oh yeah, that's right, yeah.
How long does it take to get the hang of that?
Pretty simple.
Yeah, yeah.
It's easy?
It's really almost like a point and shoot.
If you ever think it, you'll be,
but you're just a little ahead and you just,
that's a great thing about shooting
is you can recalibrate and fix your mistake
like in real time on the next shot.
Like I was just saying, you accidentally shoot a white guy.
Yeah.
You're like, oh, there's the one. You accidentally
shoot American sniper at the range. Yeah you pick up pretty easy. I saw a video online
of like some guy going into it's like one of those subreddits said like great idea pal our slash wow that wow that was a good idea
What about what it's just by that whole website is so stupid
There's just so many communities that are just they should just be called
It's just our slash act like a bunch of smug
Anyway, so this one is like
Yeah, it's like a Darwin Awards or something. Oh, yeah, I've seen that
So this one I don't think it was the Darwin Awards
Wait was it the are you talking about the one with the pedophile?
No, it's a guy
It's a guy going into a convenience store
And there's a security guard there with a shotgun on his chest and they had a sidearm
And he goes in the guys like telling him to leave and he's like he's like you kidding me, bro
And he's got like a gun and the security guard just fucking shoots the guy probably 400 times I'm
not even kidding and then you just see empties the fucking the bad bad bad bad
the guys on the ground you hear unloading at a 7-eleven just unload like bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang Gun is a bit I get shot like five hundred times by the same guy
He's like well. I mean I'm already shooting him
Like another ten times after that
What did he say to prompt that you want to go he was like are you you kidding me bro? And he's got like a gun in his waistband. I saw that and I was like, you know what? I actually like America again.
It's the best country.
It's awesome. It's awesome that that happens.
All the time.
I mean, it's like that's so cool.
It's cowboys.
You know what I mean? Can you imagine being in like gay ass London and some guy comes in?
So he's like yeah, you got a problem government and then they just have to like fucking slap rough
They just slap at each other. No. Yeah, they have nice like let me give you a little slice
How but how's that how's a nicking for you
Meanwhile a we mean while we get videos like this this guy fucking just just literally a hundred pounds of lead
second gun
The outside of the source all blown out the exposures for the inside the store. He's probably destroyed the parking lot
There's probably just children killed, just families dead outside.
You were taking a piss. You were using the bathroom you had to pay for. It's covered in
diarrhea and HIV needles. And you come back and your car is covered in blood. And you're like,
oh, something must have happened. It must have been another day in America that's awesome in the car that's awesome it's
the best country the second gun is insane that's crazy well if you did a
pedophile at a hotel room it was a sting and the police answered the door and this old guy goes to pull out a gun
And three or four different cops light him up and the body cam footage. It looks like
They set fireworks off in the hallway of a hotel
It looks it looks like CGI the amount of lightning that's coming out of these guns and the guys are shooting
They're shooting a pedophile. Yeah. Yeah, but he had a gun
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he pulled he was going to meet up like a teen or something
No, it was in Philadelphia and he pulled out a gun. Oh was it? Yeah also like why is that the dark?
Parked at the business at the time both were shot the guard was injured The man died from his injuries. Our Kelly Rule
reports. The gas station owner who did not want to comment on camera said he will continue
to use the guards. He says it's for everyone's safety. The head of that protection agency
tells me his guard is expected to be out of the hospital in a few days. So far he has
not been charged. I think the whole thing is just really, um, has just really kind of shaken
us up. Surveillance video provided to Fox 29 shows the physical fight between a 30 year old
armed security guard, according to police and a 39 year old man who was parked outside this fair
Mount Sinoco on West college Avenue. The video shows the man pull a gun out. We are pausing the
video before the exchange of gunfire
carissa like many neighbors heard them and saw the sound effect.
That's crazy.
I have a fair mount gas, but also why is that the darwin awards? Is that
supposed to be about a star way to die? Because it's like fuck around, fuck
around, find out the darwin awards are About like stupidity. Yeah, I like pull a gun on a man with two visible guns and you get killed
That's just stupid. No, that's just brutal. It's not but that's
Survival of the fittest that guy's not fit to survive if you think you can pull a gun
It's not on a guy with a shotgun. I don't understand what
your position is here. You don't the Darwin Awards are about a guy that's
like trying to suck his own dick and then he accidentally dies, which is
pretty stupid right. It's so stupid yeah, so it'd be pretty stupid as well
to pull a gun on someone with two visible gun.
It's a good thing.
Basically a cop. It's a good thing.
Don't don't touch me.
You don't touch me.
I really.
What the fuck?
Oh, oh god!
Really?
Really?
Really?
Really?
It's crazy.
Look, it cuts off before it's even done.
He shoots him like six times with the shotgun.
He's got more. He's got it cuts off before it's even done. He shoots him like six times. He's got more. Yeah.
He's got more where that came from.
Yeah.
And I mean when the video starts you're like, oh, I don't want to watch a guy die.
But then the bullets keep the sounds keep going and it becomes Looney Tunes.
Yeah.
It's Mr. B.
Go back to it and he goes, oh, oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah. That's the top. It's sad when that happens. It's so funny. Oh really yeah
Yeah, that's the top
It's so funny that he's laughing so hard that he's like, this makes me want to be gay.
I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling this. I'm feeling it.
Sucking my dick right now.
It's such a good song.
I'm feeling this.
Yeah, this is a comment on this on Reddit.
This one's for all you,
I don't carry a spare because I'll never need it dimwits.
What was he supposed to do?
Yeah.
What was he supposed to do? Yeah, so he supposed to do yeah, but he's good
Well, no, this is a guy on the gun reddit who already has a guy he walks around with two guns
But what's the other guy with a gun he doesn't this guy's so there's guys show to a he's like
I can't really can't stand people that only carry one. It's so irresponsible
Yeah
Just play the audio again to the guy gone. Ah
There's literally no situation
We're not carrying a spare is preferred over carrying a spare
And if you do mental gymnastics to arrive there you are certified
Go to that guy's post history, what else do you post on?
Go to that guy's post history what else is he post on?
The accounts deleted r slash r slash be being Ian
Dare you
Ian needs to taser his balls again this week's oh
My god, that's insane
Carrying a spare what the fuck does that mean?
Really
Look we loud what's the noise of like the moon is that the guy being shot eight? Yeah, yeah, and he's laying there and in the break between the handgun and the shotgun he go
He took like he took like eight
He took eight
How's he still alive? That's not real. They can't be real. Yes. It's real Adam Monty Python life
It's unexpected
What happens in it I?
Guess that's Philadelphia for you that's for that story a couple
months ago about like the journalists the gay journalists and in Philly that
was killed no oh yeah like oh they killed him because he was writing about
how black lives mattered and yeah no it turns out he was molesting a kid for
years and the kid finally yeah the kid killed him and the guy was they had to
be like oh never mind yeah yeah Yeah that story disappeared like a hunter Biden penis
Nobody cared any longer Adam, but his penis didn't disappear. Yeah
What are you talking about? You could have picked almost any other penis in the world. Yeah, you're right
I was starting to do a callback to the beginning the episode and I thought I'd get a laugh and I did what did ball is
Wrong. I thought it was very funny
No, now he's trying to suck up now. but I was wrong. I thought it was very funny.
No, now he's trying to suck up.
Now this is the definition of sucking up.
I'm not sucking up to you.
It is.
I'm not sucking up to you.
Yeah, he's sucking up to him.
This is what he does too when he gets caught.
He's like, I'm not, you'd be like,
someone ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I'd be like, oh, someone ate the peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
And Adam's like, what are you talking about?
I didn't have the hot wings.
And it's like, nobody said anything about hot weight
Why are you trying to like muddle the accusation here?
I said you ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he's like I had I've had lunch every day
It's like what the fuck is wrong with you. You're not gonna weasel your way out of this one set them on fire again
You know what? All right, let's finish. Let's close on I'm gonna self emulate
We still got another 22 minutes. What's your cause me actually?
Please don't do that because this the fire extinguisher has nothing
The smell and the fire extinguisher has not been taken out of the box or prime my cause
Do you itself a fire extinguisher? No no no no it's just ready to go you just pulled a pin
Have you ever used a fire extinguisher? I don't think so I think I want to say yes, but no I don't there's all these experiences
I'm like have I done that I'm like no I've just seen it in the movie
Constantly I'm like yeah wait no I have
Like the other day I legitimately thought I had been skydiving
I was like have I
thought I had been skydiving. Shut the fuck up.
I was like, have I?
No, I haven't.
What?
You just saw a movie?
It just seems like something, because you drive past those
indoor skydiving places.
You're like, this seems like something that.
Would you ever go?
Maybe.
It's fun.
Yeah.
It's cool.
I did something really cowardly.
I bought two skydiving tickets for my girlfriend for her birthday
So we could go and I realized I wanted to be a boyfriend who would go skydiving
But I didn't want to go at all and I let them expire
So she didn't even go. No, did she want to go? I was too scared
Really? Yeah, she likes activities
But then I like bought it. I was like, well, who am I kidding? It seems awesome. It's really fun
Yeah, yeah seems scary in the place. It's so scary so scary and so exhilarating
And then you do it and you're like
Yeah, it's a jumping out of a plane
How long do you fall before you pull they pull the shoe because you did you have to do the tandem yep?
Yep, I think it may be between 15 and 30 seconds of just like I would love to become one of those
instructors the the the skydiving instructors or whatever and then do a
tandem and be assigned the fat lady and then we're going down and as we're
falling I'm like oh you're too big for the parachute you're too fat for the
fucking parachute she's like screaming crying. I'm like now. I'm just kidding
I'm just kidding
Two handfuls
No, I'm just fucking with you
Real though obesity is it's if fuck you're not really bad for you
We're gonna bounce when we get to the ground
You're gonna live big old crater the parachute is work. Thank God. You're so fucking fat
I'll be fine, but you're gonna die
This is a team building exercise with my work.
Did you go with Joe Rogan? He was like, you don't actually even need to use a parachute. It's a myth.
He's like, there's, there's animal, there's monkeys that have evolved.
They can just spread their arms out and they can fly. I've seen it. The Wizard of Oz.
That documentary. I've seen it in the Wizard of Oz Documentary
They wanted they want you to think is fun
Which wants you to think it's I went I went down with Jordan and our producer Ethan in Austin
It was so fun. And then I did it when I was 21 in Allentown, Pennsylvania
That was fun. That's gotta be the only thing to do in Allentown sky. Oh, yeah, nothing there. You just skydive into a factory
Yeah, had it burned down the the guy that I jumped out with was missing a tooth
I don't know what might do my buddy
I went with he left his wallet in his mesh shorts in the air the wallet falls out a week later
He gets a phone call some guy was walking his dog in the woods and found his fucking wallet
Yeah, your wallet fell on my wife and killed
Were you in space recently?
It's a dent my wife's warhead from your fucking wallet. It's fun, man
It's it is scary, but it's cool doing things are scared. There's gotta be people that piss and shit themselves
And then you're just attached to that person as the tandem guy great there was a comic in Austin that was a skydiving instructor
really it was funny it was this guy gene that showed up in Austin from Brooklyn
moved to Austin to do comedy and then the Austin scene at the time
This is like 2009 it was filled with those like just like like snob nerds
I guess yeah, and so this guy was jacked and just because of that people were like he sucks really
Does he had a nice body? Yeah, just cuz he was in shit. He cared cuz he wasn't wearing to work
Yes, the people people who didn't like him really yeah, was he a nice guy
He was always nice to me. I always got along with him
And then I didn't I mean he wasn't like particularly good at stand-up
But he was also brand new at him and then that whole scene at the time was people that had been doing comedy like a year
And they're like well, we're the turning their nose up at people. None of those people have a career now
You gotta have your ten
You're gonna have your tight ten. Mm-hmm. I'll never forget when I said I was moving in New York
this I just come in like I
Think I just missed the top three of pissing and shitting them. So I'm about to have just a
diarrhea to remember
New Mandy Moore, yeah save the last
This is a new Mandy Moore movie. Save the last...
Save the last piece of toilet paper.
Well this guy told me, he goes,
You couldn't even be Philly's funniest.
How are you going to move to New York and try to be funny there?
And I was like, I'll show you.
Who said that to you? Kevin Hart?
No, some comic.
Shane Gillis.
Shane Gillis said that to you? No.
But he loves you. I forget, yeah, he's the best.
We had a great time. I made us all us all stakes down there and we watched WrestleMania. Are you still working out? I've
Recently gotten back into the gym. Yeah, we're going to the joints
I'm like
I'd squad 25 my diet is fucking dog shit. Also, you look good though. I've what's your diet
I well I just like I got I just can't eat stop eating candy and stuff
I also don't see the point dude my mom came to visit
Brought me chocolate covered caramels, and I've been waking up in the middle of the night. Just eating handfuls
Feeling like garbage because I've been off sugar and candy and everything yeah
I've been doing that I wake up in the middle line. I chased a cat around the apartment and then I go back to sleep. Yeah, so just now you know how it feels
Discoteca, I'm sorry guys. I was like down there stop
I was like that one in like in in language class where they teach you how to say the disc
Oh, it's the discotec. It's like what the fuck are you talking?
You just go to Latin America as a Fuck out of you? Why are we learning? Where is the disco?
Why in the cartoon town is the disco?
Why there's no such thing as a bakery
There's a grocery store that sells everything the bank yeah that makes sense
I can do just where's the consulate with the discotheque. It's some weird hodgepodge. The bank, yeah, that makes sense. You're not gonna, do you just, where's the consulate?
But the discotheque, it's some weird hodgepodge,
I mean, is this what Europe is?
It's like, fucking, it's the 17th,
can you tell me how to get to the tapestry maker
and next to the nightclub?
Where's the blacksmith?
Yeah, right.
Where's the town crier?
You.
I will be in Philadelphia at Hel comedy club. Thank you check out
I don't know when it's gonna be but it's the next month sometime may
You too may 17 through 19
Awesome, yeah, that's my favorite club
It's gonna be great it will be be fun, Philly Helium.
And then I don't know if there's an announce for it.
I was at Magoobies, but that date was canceled
because I will be at, they're doing this dumb,
they do this like announce thing.
I don't know the timeline.
I will be at the Lincoln Theater in DC.
It's very nice.
No shit, no, Kennedy Theater.
No, on you. Lincoln Theater on you. Congrats dude, that's huge.
In September. No shit. I don't know if I'm supposed to say it or not, but I'm getting
annoyed with this whole announce rollout. The tickets you can't buy yet, so I know that.
That's great news. That's great news. Well that has been booked for a while. People have
been asking me, they say, I can't find the tickets to the show anymore It's the same market. I shouldn't have been booked it both to begin with but
We'll keep an eye out for that Ian. Yes. Thanks for joining us
Fuck it's been a great show a seven
He got new rings and he wants to showcase those yes
This is my coming and check out Ian special everyone. Thank you
Special bigger wild out and wild out and wild out and wild in nature wet wild is
in full of himself
You're literally gay
half
full You're literally gay half full
Ian finance wild happy and free and happy happy Passover to everyone who
Celebrates yes, happy guys. We will be back next week and check out Ian special
Okay, here's a lot of Passover's New Year's right what year is you know Passover is the Exodus from?
And so what year is it in Jewish calendar five thousand
seven hundred something happy five thousand but that's Russia shown as the
New Year bye guys