The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Mike Recine - Episode 45
Episode Date: March 14, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 45 w/ Mike Recine Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@a...damfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Mar 21 — Mar 23: Raleigh, NC @ Goodnights Comedy Club Apr 11 — Apr 13: Portland, OR @ Helium Comedy Club Apr 18 — Apr 20: Tampa, FL @ Side Splitters May 16 — May 18: Philadelphia, PA @ Helium Comedy Club ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Mar 8 - Mar 9: Boston, MA @ Laugh Boston Mar 15 - Mar 16: Detroit, MI @ The Detroit House of Comedy #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #mikerecine #comedy #podcast
Transcript
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Welcome to the Adam Friedland show.
Welcome to Americana.
Please press your selection followed by the pound sign now.
It's funny, you can kind of tell Joey Diaz is like,
full of shit if you listen to him for like five minutes.
Are we talking shit on Joey Diaz? No, no, no, no. Whoa! Come on, man!
One of my favorite angry DMs from anybody ever
was I've said Joey Caca Diaz a million times.
And I don't know anything about Joey Caca Diaz.
I don't know.
I can't tell you.
I know what he sounds like, but I've never watched anything.
It's just a funny name to You say Joey Cockadier. The idea that
somebody, that A, somebody would be named Joey Cockadier
or that we knew of Marcus Doodoo Brown. Great guy. Great guy.
Shout out to Marcus Doodoo Brown. He made even better by the fact that he went by Doodoo.
There was a comic in DC also named Dookie
was her last name. Anyways, yeah so I say Joey
Cock on Diaz all the time. Somebody Diaz you want to say you would never say that to me.
To his face. All right the show has started. We're leaving all that. Yeah.
Mike wants to fight Joey, Cody Diaz.
And at Skanks Fest, it's going to happen, right?
I was just trying to impress you.
You got him in the cage.
You're going to cage fight him?
No.
Apparently Mike wants to fight him.
I didn't realize we were rolling.
That's all right.
No, no, we are rolling.
We're rolling.
I already started the stopwatch and I have the snoopy face on here, so it's very hard
to get to the stopwatch. He already did. He said,
welcome to the...
Sorry.
Welcome to the show, guys.
Once again, it's the Adam Friedland Show podcast.
I hope that gets back to Joey Coco Diaz,
and I hope I have to have a sit-down.
You got to parlay with him
Okay, I can only do ancient Korean
Fuck is Coco. I like cereal
Let me tell you some I like cereal. Let me tell you something.
I like cereal, not doo-doo.
I'm cuckoo.
I'm cuckoo.
I'm cuckoo.
I'm not caca.
What are you saying about me?
I got pee-pee in my bag.
Yeah, you say it.
I'm not a fucking baby.
You say it?
No.
You say I'm a baby?
I like Coco Puff.
I like puffy cereal.
Chocolate.
I want to teach you something about respect.
Is he even, he's not chocolate.
I don't, how does it work in the Latino, Hispanic community?
What do you mean?
I think it's whatever, yeah, whatever cookie or cereal you like the best.
Oh, okay.
Jolly Cookie Crispiesque.
What would yours be, Adam?
Fruit Loops.
Oh, nice. I never got? Fruit Loops. Oh, nice.
I never got into Fruit Loops.
No.
I wasn't really allowed cereal growing up other than plain bran.
Okay.
Yeah, that's kind of why I have this personality.
I had a lot of Honey Nut Cheerios.
They're good.
Just polishing off the entire box before mom gets home.
And she's like, God damn it. That's supposed to last for the week. Polishing off the entire box. Yeah, like before mom gets home
Sitting here in the dark yeah, yeah watching judge Judy watching four episodes of Judge Judy eating fucking... watching four episodes of Judge Judy in a row. He's not even hungry.
Yeah, no. Not even.
The couch smells like shit because you're farting on it.
You've been eating too much milk.
Spilled milk all over.
I put my milk shirt on.
So you were quite fat growing up?
Yeah, I think so. And Nick, you were fat as well, right? And you were quite fat growing up? Yeah, I think so.
And Nick, you were fat as well, right?
And you were gay.
I still am.
I still am.
Is that what you were?
No, I was gay.
I think most child prodigies are gay.
Speaking of, dude, this kid I saw outside was amazing.
I already told you guys, but probably the worst child
I've ever seen in my entire life.
New York City kids are pretty bad.
This was shocking.
Because normally I feel bad.
If you see a kid that's poorly behaved, they're like,
ah, they're going to regret me meeting their grandma later.
But this kid was just, you can tell even as an adult,
he's going to just be a monster.
But it was like, I don't was, I was walking behind them,
and it looked like it was their brothers maybe,
I don't know their relation.
Older one in the front was like maybe nine or 10.
And then the one in the back maybe like six or seven,
and he looked like he had some kind of
like intellectual disability,
because he had croquis on and they were kind of crooked.
And he was like literally doing the
ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Doing that move or whatever.
He was Jerry Lewis.
Yeah, and then there was an older woman taking them
somewhere, and she was carrying the younger one's backpack.
And the one in front had his own backpack on.
And he's like, this is the stupidest plan ever.
And then she's like, well, I'm sorry.
And I guess it wasn't her mom.
She was probably employed by them.
Usually it's a West Indian lady.
Yeah, this was an older white lady.
And then he's like, why?
She's like, your mom said to take you directly to the park
after school.
And he's like, and we can't even go home
to drop our backpacks off?
And then he goes, and why isn't Jacob
carrying his own backpack? And then she goes, well, do, and why isn't Jacob carrying his own backpack?
And then she goes, well, do you want me to carry your backpack?
He goes, no, I want him to carry his own backpack.
He should be carrying both of ours at this point.
It's like nightmare.
I'm like, oh man.
I thought I tried to like make eye contact with him, not in a mean way.
The child?
Yeah, just to be like, hey, people can see you doing this.
Yeah, yeah.
My father used to yell at unruly kids at tables next to us
at restaurants.
He'd be like, control your child.
He'd yell at the parents.
Yeah.
How old were the kids?
Like eight-year-olds, nine-year-olds.
Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.
Interesting. Yeah.
It's an interesting choice.
Control your child!
I can't imagine doing that.
Cause I don't have a kid, but it looks like hell.
And I'm not being anti-child,
but like when you see somebody suffer,
it's like, why would you do that?
Control your kid.
It's like, do you think that they haven't tried? haven't tried yeah you think this is like happening in a vacuum
I don't know like this have you this child hitting no no it is but I'm sure
I'm sure I'm crazy to hit a little kid but also I can imagine they they say
something so disrespectful they say stuff that's disrespectful and they're
disrespecting you with your wife as well
They're they're they're talking to my wife. They're like collectively treating you like shit. Don't you what you know?
It's my wife really bothers me is when when Deb will be like, yeah tell daddy to leave us alone
He's gay he's gossiping with your wife. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
And guess what he brings him in when she's pissed at me And she brings him into the but also if he's fabulously gay and you're very seem gay to you no no
He's just here. He's cool. He was playing with guns. We think what my kids. You don't know if a kid's gay
I mean he's from New York, so it's probably gay yeah
He's bigger than he looks so it's like you think you know I was thinking maybe slow or something
but then he told me he's two and a half and I was like oh I thought you were
seven he's pretty big for two and a half he's a big boy yeah no he's a good kid
I think I think it might help you probably shouldn't take the take the
propeller beanie off of them I don't think that that's helping yeah yeah and Yeah, and the kick me sign that you have on the stroller. People just kicking the stroller.
Shoot me.
Yeah, I guess like, I don't know, like one time I was really talking shit to my mom.
It was the only time she hit me, but she slapped me.
And then she became so horrified that she'd done that.
She started crying.
And I remember I just hugged her
I was like I deserved it. I was a piece of shit. I'm so sorry mom. Do you remember what you're saying?
Or I was probably like
This is the stupidest idea ever I can't even go home
Backpacks first I don't want Steven
Steven should carry his own backpack
I don't want Steven. Steven should carry his own backpack.
Would you want me to carry your backpack?
This one was so exasperated.
It would be cute to have him.
Just so worn out, listening to this kid,
because you know he's like that probably every day.
I'm hoping I caught him on a bad day.
Right, right.
And now this poor kid,
no, there's 800 million people watching this.
They're gonna find out who he is.
Find out exactly who he is.
And his parents address.
There's a guy on Reddit right now that's like, got him, got find out who he is. Find out exactly who he is. And his parents address.
There's a guy on Reddit right now that's like,
got him, got him, here he is, this is it,
PS 118, I found the yearbook, I called up,
pretended to be an eight year old.
He's getting shipped off to gay conversion.
Actually, I'm a pedophile and I have access
to a secret network, we have a database
of all of the children in the world.
And I cross-referenced.
I said children with backpacks plus Fifth Avenue.
And I found them.
It takes a little doxy kid these days.
It would be cool, though, if you had a distant gay son that
kind of left you alone so you could watch the game and stuff.
And then he only wanted to chill when when you like wanted to talk shit about
The wife you'd be like the bitches at it again. He'd be like she is a bitch
Yeah, she is like that. Yeah, you won't believe what the bitch is up to now
Yeah, the relationship is very different cuz it's like you gotta you know, you got to make him happy
It's almost more important to make your kid happy than your than your wife
Well for I'd tell you for a two and a half year old,
he's pretty chill.
And he's pretty smart, too.
He knows all the colors.
He knew what construction was.
He knew how to use a gun.
That's all the colors.
He knows all the races, black, yellow.
He knows construction, races, and weapons.
So that seems like...
He's Jason Bourne, basically.
You're gonna train him as an assassin. Yeah
Yeah, yeah, pretty cool. Did you have a favorite Ninja Turtle growing up? I know I didn't actually didn't even really like
Yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would watch the movie, uh-huh, you know, but I was more I guess it's like and
Maybe like I'm not gonna say a spectrum thing, but I would watch the movie and because I was a, I guess it's like, maybe like, I'm not gonna say a spectrum thing,
but I would watch the movie,
because I was a fan of New York.
Oh yeah.
I was rooting for New York City
when watching it too.
It is the stars.
It's a love letter to New York City.
Basically, yeah, it's a very,
New York looks beautiful in that movie.
It does, yeah.
Yeah, especially the scene when,
where are they, they're in like an antique shop that burns down before they go to April's like country house
Oh in the movie and then you haven't seen the Teenage Mutant that was my only exposure to it was that I the cartoon would come
On but I never really I didn't there was no cartoons
I even liked I would watch the Simpsons when I was a kid
But then it was like there's sometimes I would watch the Saturday cartoons because it's like oh
I guess I should be doing this but none of them I really enjoyed. Interesting. Yeah
it wasn't it was like I... Not even like Rugrats? Why no that's I just said that
was Nickelodeon on like basic television you got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
that one I remember there was a show called Eek the Cat that I think was on Fox Box
Life with Louie. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the Louie Anderson show. What was that about? It sucked. I remember watching it. I'm like this sucks. He's just like a depressed kid. All of those shows sucked
Yeah, Garfield and Friends I Like but I don't know if that was on Saturdays. The afternoon cartoons I liked as a kid
Okay, Batman? Batman Animates. I loved it. Yeah. The Saturday morning when they had recess, I mean recess was good but...
They had X-Men.
X-Men was good.
No, X-Men was on in the 90s.
We're all the same age, it's not like these were different eras.
I'm 63 years old actually.
What does Benjamin watch now?
He watches YouTube shorts.
I feel like yeah, cartoons now.
They're just like weird computer generated shapes
with African accents.
He watches YouTube shorts?
Like Proud Work Reels?
Yeah, he'll ask for my phone and he'll like...
Dobby baby!
He thinks it's for babies, that's cute.
Can you play the new Schultz?
You're right.
Adam taking shots with Andrew Schultz.
Let's go. No.
Let's clip this up. Michael, let's chop this one up.
Adam Friedland taking shots.
The only shots
I want to take are with the LMFAO.
Listening to their hit
song Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots.
Wait, can I see that? I think that has the copy on it.
Yes it does.
Good. For today? Yes.
Oh, perfect. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
Yeah, okay, good. No, you gotta do this one first. Sorry.
No problem.
Keep speaking. You were saying something. You were taking shots at Andrew Schultz.
I don't need that smoke right now, dude.
I don't need that. I don't want to...
Listen, we're all comedians. I think you should, dude. We're all part I don't need that. I don't want to.
Listen, we're all comedians.
I think you should, dude.
I think we're all part of a brotherhood.
Here's what I want to do.
A big fight, right?
You, Andrew Schultz, and then I'm on your shoulders and Akash is on his.
Oh, a chicken fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would love to just meet Akash going at him while riding on him.
And I'm like, I need more support.
You gotta twist your hips, Adam.
You're crushing me.
My fucking, my punches are landing.
I'm barely putting a dent in this.
That'd be so cool.
I'm gonna say the end of this.
No, we like Akash, Akash for the show.
Schultz, not so much.
Adam's got a lot of negative stuff.
I don't have any problems with anyone. Adam has been... I was just trying to think of
Proud Worth. Adam, before this one started, you should have heard the things he was saying
about Joey Kakka. You wouldn't believe some of the opinions this man has about Andrew Kakka Schultz.
opinions this man has about Andrew Kaká-Schultz. I don't know the problems with anyone.
I just want to make that clear. You're calling him Andrew Pee Pee Schultz?
Yeah, you're calling him that. Your name should be Joey Kaká-D.
Adam Kaká-D.
You're Adam Kakaday. I don't like it. Anytime you get a nickname, it feels good.
I haven't told you about that time in 1987.
I shit my pants.
At the store.
We went to CC's Pizza and I took a dump in my pants before we even hit the buffet line.
I said, I'm going to pregame this one.
So I shit myself on the way in.
Yeah, my bar mitzvah. Yeah, you should have seen my bar mitzvah. I said I'm gonna pregame this one. So I shit myself on the way in.
Yeah, my bar mitzvah. Yeah, you should have seen my bar mitzvah
when I was at the Torah.
I got diarrhea all over the Torah.
The rabbis were crying.
That's God's love letter to man.
I know it looks like a big piece of toilet paper. Today's
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Here, can we get one of those?
We have one for our guests. That's a fume.
Yeah. Look at you.
You just kind of breathe into it.
Yeah, you can pull it through the air.
A mouth pull or...
This one looks like Ian put his mouth on it already.
Yeah, yeah, don't.
You know where that mouth has been.
I haven't talked to Ian in a while.
I had a phone call with him last week.
I talked to him last week too.
Phenomenal. Ian talked to him last week too. How's he doing?
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Ian's like just like, it's like Kurt Metzger,
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And it's like, as bad as he's always been doing.
Your fume comes with an adjustable.
Just as bad as he's always doing, the same kind of weird.
Right.
You know what I mean?
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Your fume comes with an adjustable airflow dial
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So guys, it's kind of like one of those fidget spinners
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Adam likes to play with a fadget spinner.
Ha ha ha!
What's that? Ha ha ha? I got no idea. It spins up. I just wanted to say. We all know what that is. We all know what that is. This guy looks like he could use a faggot.
We all know what that is.
It's a five foot two homosexual that spins on your penis.
Guys, the taste, the first time I tried it,
it was more flavorful than I expected.
It feels fresh.
Nothing's happening though.
Not getting any smoke.
It doesn't have the core in it.
Yeah, and you can't say that either.
Sorry to have fumed.
You can't say that. Because it's not vapor. you can't say that either. Sorry to have fume. You can't say that word.
Because it's not vapor.
It's not, look, it's just what it is.
It's like an all-natural air fucking infuser.
Like, you know how you get like, this is to,
it's like drinking fucking flavored seltzer.
You know?
Zero calories.
Zero calories, you can pound them.
And then sometimes you'll get some asshole that's like
well you know the carbonation can cause bone loss.
It's like, go kill yourself.
I don't understand why
you have to just ruin, oh it's okay
you're right. I'll drink
lukewarm tap water
and live to what? A hundred?
Like a Japanese woman
in the mountains? No thank you. I'm doing the best that I can
You know guys I was really surprised
Yeah, they don't have La Croix
I was really surprised by how beautiful the real wood was. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, and and
The shape was phenomenal.
I was like, I didn't expect how good the shape would be.
And I felt cool when I was using it.
I wasn't expecting that.
It hit my lips and it made me feel cool.
That's the most important thing to Adam is feeling cool.
Yeah, feeling cool.
A magic spinner.
Adam Cockadillas'll do this.
Toy Story, and Adam is Andy,
and he puts the slinky dog up his ass.
And after he leaves the room, the slinky dog is like,
ah!
I was telling you yesterday about breeding stretch wieners.
Like a wiener dog that's even like twice as long.
Is there a way to do that?
Yeah.
Selectively. And then people ask me, like, what do you do?
I'm like, I breed stretch wieners.
It's kind of what the, I think the Nazi rappers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a puppy mill.
I make stretch wieners.
Well, just a mental image of like a wiener dog this long taking a dump, because it's
like it's just this part with tilt.
Yeah.
It's the whole thing stays the same, and just this part with tilt yeah it's the
whole thing stays the same and then this part just tilts down a little bit yeah
yeah you could wrap it around your shoulders like a boa yeah I was also
thinking about a turtle I said this earlier I texted Stav he didn't text me
back I don't know what's going on and I don't I don't understand why because this
is tailor-made for him yeah but a turtle that, it evolves in such a way where there's no holes for the arms or legs or the face, there's only a hole for the penis.
So it's just in a mobile shell that gets horny sometimes. It's just, you're in the forest and you're like, what the hell is that, a turtle? And then it's just, its penis just comes out. This is the tiny... Is someone there?
So its penis just comes out of the shell.
Can I fuck you, please?
And then you leave and it just goes back in.
And then it probably dies of starvation
within the first year of its life.
Yeah.
You're a teenage daughter,
so you have to beat the shit out of it.
Right. Where have you been you haven't been in the forest have you?
It's none of your business, Dad
Is that turtle come all over your face?
April O'Neill get down here right now
That was my favorite Ninja Turtle,
is the one that's just a penis.
The one that's just a shell with a cock
that comes out of the hole.
Yeah.
That's the one that Splinter bought
from the store originally.
Yeah.
Well, that was dinner for Splinter.
That's actually the plot of Kung Fu Panda 4.
There's a turtle that just has penis comes out.
Okay.
The panda's like,
so this dude's like fucking a penis pandas I so this dude's like
fucking yes so this dude's cock is just coming out of it I can't really do guys I just
want to get this out there which I Jack Black follows Adam on Instagram and I've
been asking you got to ask him that for on behalf of me yeah well just say I'm
I can't wait to see Kung Fu Panda 4. I'm excited. I did 2 last night.
You did?
I watched 2.
How was it?
It's good. They're good movies.
I haven't seen the first one multiple times, so I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 last night.
Do you like the first one?
I love the first one. I took too much kratom and then I woke up this morning to a text message.
Wait, wait. I didn't...
Go ahead.
You should say this though because it's fun.
Oh yeah, I woke up to a text message
It's like good. Good morning, Nick. We received your inquiry about opening a blimp
Yeah, I didn't think there was black out on
I guess I inquired about opening a blimp
Now not some guy named Alan is texting me.
I didn't know it still exists.
There was one in downtown Brooklyn.
I've been saying it, because we went to see Shane at Radio
City Music Hall, and they had Jersey Mikes in the green room.
And you know, podcasting gives you brain damage.
And now it's like you just find yourself saying,
you just talk all the time, but your brain shuts off I saw Jersey Mike's and I was and I'm like well
you know Shane's got a lot of money and I'm like brother you know what you want
to know what I would invest in if I just if I just made 80 million dollars
doing stand-up it's fucking Blimpy's coming back think about it they subway
kind of knocked them out of the game and It was mostly Blimpy's fault because they went, Subway just focused on the subs.
Blimpy had good subs and then they did a bunch of retarded stuff. They were like,
oh we're doing, like they were having like, like they weird recipes and like
things other than sandwiches. Really? Restaurants. Yeah. Or like soups and stuff?
Stuff like that and then they were also, they just didn't have any control over
their franchises.
So some of them were selling like pizza and Chinese food.
Okay.
They just didn't like, you know, like maintain.
But yeah, and it's like a post.
And then Quiznos went away too,
but Quiznos went away because.
But Quiznos was cool when it came out.
They had a horrible franchise.
Because it was hot.
They had a horrible franchise model.
They like fucked though.
Anybody that got a Quiznos franchise got fucked over.
Got fucked over, yeah.
Because the company was a vendor also.
Whereas other, like if you have Subway, it's like Cisco
brings the food or something.
And then you get, actually because of the franchise fee,
that you get a deal because of Subway's relationship with
them, whereas Quiznos, it's like you had to buy the food
from them in addition to paying the franchise fee. Yeah, well anyway.
My brother had a catering job with a guy who owned
the Fresnos and they were like waiting tables together.
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Back to your brother.
This is good with if you got autism.
Yeah, that's what they say.
It's a whole point.
It was literally designed that way.
Yeah.
Yeah, it feels nice in the hands.
I don't know if I love people telling me I have autism.
I might have it.
I tried doing it a bit for a while
about how I've never been diagnosed.
I've just been accused of it.
Accused of it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which that means like that means your parents missed it, you know?
I don't think how is everyone autistic these days? They're not. They're not. Everything is autistic.
No, it became it's an extension of like I'm sticking with it.
15 years ago when people go, oh well, I'm a nerd and it's like no you just like the Batman that everyone saw.
Yeah.
You're not a nerd right everybody likes nerd nerds nerds sit around like fucking eating their own pimple
That's not you
You're just like a guy that's not particularly attractive right right not even ugly. You just have breasts right
You're talking about me
I didn't want to go there You just said brass right Yeah, you're talking me Joey Joey titty Diaz
Mother fun names. I don't know what the fuck does Coco me. I don't know find out. Yeah, I know
It's gonna Joey donkey call
Well his baby died you started pain finger painting is that true no and sign language It's because he was a joey, donkey, call, you know what I mean? He was like, he's not even the coolest in Korea.
Well, his baby died, he started finger painting.
Is that true?
No.
And sign language.
But like a gorilla would go.
Yeah, I got the name because after Robin Williams died,
have you ever seen a video of Coco the Gorilla
reacting to the news that Robin Williams signed?
No.
Oh, yeah, they tell her.
Which also don't tell the gorillas.
Yeah.
Like I said, so cruel.
It's really mean.
You know that man you met?
He's gay.
You know?
And then, like, it's like, woman sad.
Yeah.
Like really upset.
That's right.
They were good friends?
They were, yeah.
Wow.
It would be fun to have an ape best friend though,
like Michael Jackson did.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that lady tried it, but. What the lady the lady that got her face ripped off
yeah by Travis the chimpanzee because a lot of people have chimpanzees but my
understanding is you have to get rid of them when they turn like six yeah they
become murder well they get yeah they get to a certain age they're like wait Why am I wearing fucking overalls? Like I'm a grown man
Yeah, sort of I mean I can't I'm an idiot
I'm basically a fucking
Yeah ward of the state here, but I mean I'm no I know I have more self-respect than to be carried around in a fucking baby
Bjorn by this infertile woman. I think they're the only they'll just yeah, they'll rip your face right off
They're super strong. Yeah. Yeah, the only there's I don't think chimps are super strong so much as humans are super weak because we evolved to
Do this podcast?
I know you're joking but no it's probably the best year. It is true
And it's funny because it's's funny, because people get mad
at capitalism and stuff.
I love it.
Which is, it's probably bad, but it's like,
I mean, it's better than, I watch a cat
lick its own asshole, it's like, I don't have to do that.
That's nice.
Even the guys that wrote the Constitution, they
didn't have toilet paper. They were fucking... Is that true? Probably. Yeah. I don't
know. When did that start? 1983 or something? Well that's why they had
slavery. That's why. Because they were caught in that. Yeah. All right. So they were
just making it. They needed it. They needed it. Yeah. Yeah.
The people, they stunk.
The best people to be are podcasters in the year 2024.
Right.
That's why it was so hard to end slavery.
Yeah.
Who's going to get our toilet paper?
I do feel it's upsetting to know that no matter how much,
and I'm not, I mean, I do OK.
But even if I was making blimpy franchise
money, I couldn't, I will never be able to ride a Zeppelin across the Atlantic.
No? They're never bringing them back. Oh, okay.
I couldn't, I couldn't go, I'm like, I'm like, well folks, off to the Empire State Building,
I've got a big Hitler balloon to catch to London.
Like that is the pinnacle of luxury to me.
Yeah.
It's taking a four day trip.
It didn't go that fast, right?
No, it took four days to go.
It was like a boat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it was like luxurious.
Yeah, there's no better way to fly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Can you imagine Tim Dillon on a blimp?
I'm telling you, you got to.
It's the best. You got to take a blimp. Taking'm telling you, you got this. It's the best.
You got to take a blimp.
Taking pictures.
I had to post on Instagram.
Yeah, I tell you.
No, I was just talking to Quinn Tarantino.
You know, you have a day.
You got to take a blimp.
It's the only way.
You got to go.
Tim Dylan and Ray Compton dying in the blimp test.
I told Ray, we're taking a blimp.
They're like, there's something wrong with those blips
There's three blips all going down
Oh my god, what are the odds three blips at the same time? Oh
Three blips at the same time. Oh my gosh.
That would be fun.
So they retired the Goodyear?
No, that's the, do you really want to get into it?
I mean you've explained it before but I wasn't listening.
Alright, so there's rigid airships.
Listen up everyone.
And those, the old, actually what happened was, the reason the Hindenburg blew up is because at the outset of the war the United States had in in Ohio in Akron
that's the only thing I know about Akron is they had the reserve, Lebron, is they
had the reserves of helium and helium elsewhere was very expensive so they
would use hydrogen as the lifting gas in the blimps, which is like explosive.
And so helium, which was like, I think it's inert.
I don't know what inert means, but I think it's like much safer.
So if it had just been American ships, it wouldn't have been as much of a problem.
But we wouldn't give helium to the Germans.
And then so yeah, the Hindenburg is filled with hydrogen. There's probably a way to make them much safer now
or it wouldn't be an issue, but after like when they just kind of say when they
When those things when those things explode. I mean it's like that is a spectacular catastrophe.
Led Zeppelin. Yeah, I mean that's like that video is fucking insane.
So insane. Yeah.
How many people were on that? Probably like 15?
About a hundred. Okay. I mean that thing was massive. Yeah, that's your Nazis. We're like like it's like no not Nazis
Well, I guess yeah, they had pre-war everybody. Yeah
pre-war Nazis where they're like, you know, like they're like, yeah, I mean I
Hate Jews, but yeah, I'm not gonna
List, you know.
I'm not gonna over-edit.
I'm just gonna ride on the blimp, I don't know.
That seems okay to me, you know what I mean?
Yeah, blimp-style Nazis.
Pre-Holocaust antisemitism, when it's just blimp rides
and, you know, smoking a cigarette at dinner,
I think that's fine.
They had a lot of style.
Yeah, that's okay, I think.
And then Hitler just fucked it all over.
He went overboard with it.
And he didn't even like the blimps.
No.
Yeah.
We're bastards.
Okay, that's the real casualty, the whole thing.
The blimps.
It would be awesome.
Six million, dude.
It just, I mean, look, sorry,
I don't mean to be like woke or whatever,
but it just pisses me off knowing that like
Black women will never be able to
Like that's just an experience that they won't get to have on this earth because yeah because of mistakes that white men
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because and they not ready for that conversation. They're not ready for that conversation
Thank you. Speak on it.
Maybe that's how you get blimps back.
Yeah.
You convince enough.
Monique?
Yeah.
Convince Monique to speak on it.
They deserve it.
That would be all I would love.
If we could turn the Adam Friedman show
into something like Oprah, and then we
could get an audience of nothing but pre-menopausal black women.
And I come out like, everyone, just a quick announcement.
We've built a ZL-1 Graf Zeppelin,
and we are taking you all on a trip to Paris right now.
There's a blimp outside, let's go.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Yeah, I would love that, dude. I would love to spoil them. Spoil the queens with the hair
salon in the sky. No turbulence. Doesn't happen. Doesn't exist. Nothing. Just coasting on a
cloud to the Eiffel Tower. To the Eiffel Tower. It goes from the Empire State Building to
the Eiffel Tower.
That's so sick. That's so sick. Unfortunately, to have that as an audience, that's one of the demographics I do worst
with, in fact, is older black ladies.
I get yelled at constantly.
It is very funny watching that happen.
They really don't like me.
Huh.
I don't say anything.
That's not true.
When I walk my dog around, what do I say?
You're just, you have no self-awareness.
You're always saying stuff and then they hear it and then they're like, fuck this guy.
It's not like they just look at you.
What do I say?
Well, you don't, you have no spatial awareness.
You're doing a comedy thing, right?
Go ahead.
Okay, well, that one time where you flipped off
that black lady driving in front of your house.
I thought it was Stav's car.
There's a black lady just driving down the street,
and he's like, fuck you.
Stav was arriving late. And it's this woman, yeah, and then she rolls down the street. He's like fuck you. Stob is arriving late.
And it's this woman, yeah, and then she rolls down the window.
That's an honest mistake.
I thought it was Stob's car.
And I did like a, huh, here he comes.
And then it was an older black woman.
And then I said, sorry.
What did she say?
Yeah.
She's like, fuck you.
Fuck you.
And I was like, I'm sorry.
What was the story in her head?
I've lived in Bedstock for 60 years.
And it's always been fine.
And now this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought you were my friend.
This transplant.
This guy's just giving me the finger.
And I live here.
Not today.
Yeah.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
If I could find that lady and take her on a Zeppelin ride. Yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah, if I could find that lady
and take her on a zeppelin ride.
Yeah.
And the sad thing is people think,
people hear me say stuff like that
and they think I'm like being sarcastic or mocking them.
And no, I mean that 100%.
I've believed everything you've ever said.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's a man of respect.
Dude, a girl's trip, fucking blimp.
Were they peeing? You keep the compromise, you keep the swastika obviously sure that has to make you keep that on the side
I don't know why they get shot down
At this point, what military?
I think almost every military in the world would be like,
yeah, all militaries like the Nazis.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
That's a good point.
There's no military that's like, every military has a unit.
It would be ironic if the blimp had shot that.
Every military has a unit.
And keep it like, where they're like, actually,
yeah, the that's fucking sick
I
Guess you're right. Yeah, I
Don't know if you have to keep the swastika after what they did necessarily. Mm-hmm
Well, it was be like a tiny one how small like, you know, like not really see it from the ground. No
How small? Like, you know, like not really visible.
Could you see it from the ground?
No.
Oh, OK.
That's fine.
But if you flew next to it.
Would the ladies see it?
If Tim Dillon's blimp passed it, you'd be like, that's a must.
Well, his would obviously had a big one.
Yeah, is it OK?
His would have the biggest one possible.
No.
No.
Oh, man.
But people talk about, like they say air travel used to be a lot nicer.
Mm-hmm.
They used to wear suits.
They used to wear deregulation, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, you'd wear a suit. The flight attendants were hot. And also used to, a lot nicer. Before deregulation, yeah.
You had to wear a suit, the flight attendants were hot.
It also used to just be incredibly expensive.
Sure, yeah.
And it also wasn't nice because I think the planes
were way less comfortable.
There was more space, but then they would
bounce up and down all the time.
You had to stop in Greenland on the way to England.
Yeah.
Okay.
It wasn't that good.
But the flight attendants gave pussy,
and they were called stewardesses, apparently.
Now what's a job for hot women now
that is gonna be eventually outsourced?
Maybe in 30 years, like all the Hooters waitresses will be.
I think personal assistant,
that's all gonna be Carl from The Simpsons.
Probably.
Once the Simpsons generation gets a little bit older,
they can get their own personal assistants.
They're like, yeah, I want Carl from the Simpsons.
Okay.
That's that character's name, right?
Harvey Fierstein plays him.
Remember when Homer gets an assistant?
Homer gets a hair transplant, he has hair,
and so they promote him.
Does that name represent?
No, it's way earlier.
Yeah. Harvey F way earlier. Yeah.
Harvey Fierstein.
Yeah.
He's a good actor.
He's a good actor.
Yeah.
Homosexual.
Is he?
Yeah, most actors are.
Right.
Actually.
Yeah.
For pay, they say.
That makes sense.
Gay for pay.
Gay for pay.
What would your price be?
Did we, I'd say that, I was saying that,
I forget where I was saying that the other day, but.
That's what I think you tweeted it. Oh I forget where I was saying that the other day.
On Twitter I think you tweeted it.
What did you tweet?
Just describing myself as gay for pay because I think it means I like money.
I was like he's back.
It's funny when Kyla does your social media.
I just text her that shit and then she'll send it out.
Really? Yes, I don't even know.
Well, cause when she does it, she'll be like,
hey guys, please buy a ticket to my show.
Yeah, you sound really nice.
Yeah, nice, yeah.
I'd love to see you there at the show.
Well, she has to do it.
I had to, like literally I had to hire Kyla
because I will waste my life in the DMs.
Oh sure, sure.
With people being like, you fucking idiot,
that's not season two of The Simpsons.
And I'm like, look asshole!
The second year, first of all, what is a season even?
I'm like, fuck you, going through their page,
your sister's dead, so fuck you, how about that?
Yeah, I found your parents are dead.
Nice funeral, asshole.
I bet that son of someone's parents That's something parents address very quickly.
What's that?
Nick's very good at the internet.
He can like, I don't know where this started.
This happened with,
because a friend of ours had an issue where they,
he emails me, he's like,
I heard you're very good at finding information online.
And I'm like, well, no, I don't know who told you that.
But there was an email,
there was a threatening email that had been sent.
And so I looked at it, and I noticed that after every period there was two spaces.
And so I did like an Encyclopedia Brown thing.
I'm like, oh, this has to be a screenwriter.
So I gave them that information and I figured out who it was based on that.
Wow.
And I was like, oh, that's cool.
I feel like I did that.
I feel like Encyclopedia Brown.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nice. Yeah. It's hard to solve mysteries.
It is.
Yeah.
Yeah, and that's funny when you realize that
like you could just pretty easily murder somebody.
Right.
Yeah.
It doesn't cost very much too.
I think it's like $1,500.
Really?
Yeah, it's cheap.
That's why it's so funny and then you watch movies
like The Transporter and you're like,
oh, this guy would have a Toyota Corolla.
Yeah, yeah.
He's not driving around in a fucking M5.
Right, right, right.
He's like, you want him dead, I'll drive all the way to Lisbon, and I'll whack him for
$24.
With a sniper rifle.
It's like doing a weekend.
How about this?
Yeah.
You're a one-nighter.
Yeah, yeah.
You let me give you a
blowy and then we'll be like, I'll consider that payment. I suck your dick. Yeah. I'm gay for kill.
Gay for hits. Gay for hits. Statham's also homosexual. Is he? Yeah. Well,
Cavaline talks a lot about him taking a lot of shots at Andrew Schultz.
Right, and he's homosexual too, right, Andrew Schultz?
No, absolutely not.
Come on, dude, he's a con.
What are you talking shit about?
You've been talking so much shit about Andrew Schultz.
And why are you saying that?
Why are you saying that?
You were like, dude, one v one, me and him,
I would fucking wreck his ass. In basketball? Yeah, you've been just going off about You're like dude one I want one one me and him
Yeah, you've been just going off about how much better basketball you are in a show
And you're like why the hell why the hell can't I talk like that?
Well, I think like that but I can't I would never talk like that out loud in my brain It's just Wu Tang right my brain is brain is just, I'm like a dead ass,
dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead,
dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, mean, it's like the first movie is like, I mean, can you possibly fuck that up?
Yeah.
Could you possibly do a bad job of remaking Twister?
Yeah.
I was never really into like natural disaster movies.
Although I guess they remade Roadhouse.
That just premiered at South by Southwest.
Oh, okay.
With Jake Gyllenhaal?
With Jake Gyllenhaal.
And it's the same director as the original.
And I don't know.
I guess I'll wait to see it.
It's gonna be on Amazon Prime.
But how do you make that in 2024?
Because it's such a goofy story.
It's a goofy story, but then the back story of this one,
I guess the like updated, he's like a former UFC fighter
that killed his best friend in the ring.
Sure.
And it's like, that seems too dark.
Yeah.
Like I don't think like if you were trying to get over that,
you'd be like, well, time to beat people up at bars., you know yeah, that was a specific like error right because like the 80s that you know there was cocktail
He's a bartender there's that was a big part of those high concept movies as you pick any you pick a mundane task
And then you start it's the best in the world
And somehow like and sometimes he's so good at it that it's going to stop the USSR you know like it's there's that Stallone truck driver movie over
the top where he was also a professional arm wrestler right yeah yeah it's all
part of the like Jim Cotta Iron Eagle over the top you know kind of like a
domain of guy who's who's so good at something that you know he's it but it's
it's you know shit that nobody would ever it's like always the best at Rubik's
Cube right I mean we need you to go to Russia yeah because there's a nuclear
device yeah it has a puzzle it's very similar to Rubik's Cube you're the only
person that can solve it how would they update those today though like what like
sex change their surgery guy like he's the best penis maker
in the world. I mean, I can't like, yeah, what would it be now fucking trains?
In this world culture, in this world culture, in this world culture, like, you know, what
Yeah, how would you even make over the top now instead of a truck? It's a lady's bathroom.
You couldn't make that today. You couldn't make ladies bathroom. You couldn't make that today.
You couldn't make that today actually.
With the Democrats, with Biden.
Did you see Biden's State of the Union?
No.
He got through the sentences and stuff.
Yeah, they said he was like on something.
They pumped him with something,
but he was kind of crushing it.
Yeah, what happened,
him and Marjorie Taylor Greene went back and forth?
They fought.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Apparently she gives pussy
That's great. She gives it's crazy. Yeah, it's like somebody was at CrossFit all sweaty and seeing that
Fuck that uncooked chicken
This fucking this chewed up dog toy Mr. Potato Head.
Can you imagine how pissed she fucks?
You know, she'd like fuck angry.
Yeah, yeah.
She'd be like, argh!
She'd like growl at you.
Yeah.
She'd ride dick pissed.
Cause that was the story, right?
She had a husband and she'd cheat on her husband
with some like.
Crossfit guy.
Yeah, a Crossfit guy that was also
like a Derek Chauvin style cop.
And then they like...
I think they opened their own Crossfit and then she was like, well I'm going to run for
Congress on like the 1820s South Carolina platform.
There was her and then there was the girl that owned a gun...
Well, Bobert.
See, I like her though,
because she's just, she's just,
She's like a mom.
She's like, yeah, and then,
She's beautiful.
Well, she's not a mom, no.
She'll get caught giving her boyfriend
a foot job in a bowling alley.
And then go to Congress the next day
and be like, what?
She's just disgusting.
Yeah, she was getting her titty touched in a play.
Did you see that video?
Yeah. I love that. No, that was one of theitty touched in a play. Did you see that video? Yeah
No, that was one of those the controversy them her husband got arrested for showing his penis to children I had a bowling alley, but like aggressively like they were like, are you still using this? She's like hell yeah
I'll show you I got a number 13 ball right here
That's why cuz you hear that somebody shows their penis to some teenage girls.
But it's like, what's the story?
What was the lead up?
He could have been threatening them in the way that a baboon would.
He threw poo at the kids?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He threw turds at them.
Yeah, so we're at a bowling alley and I start flipping out.
I'm throwing poo poo.
Yeah, that's're in a bowling alley and I start flipping out. I'm throwing poopoo
How'd you know I throw cock I couldn't see
Yeah, I must have thrown like 15 gallons of cock at at these teenage girls. I used to take 15 dumps a day. Wow.
That's awesome.
That's amazing.
The man is the king.
Just believing all that.
Joey's done it again.
I used to take 15 dumps a day.
This is a great brother.
This is a great brother.
And I'd name all of them.
I'd give them all names.
And if they'd start off, I'd think about it for a day. And I'd name all of them. I'd give them all names.
And if they'd start off, I'd think about it for a while.
The first one was Diego Martino Sanchez.
So that's why they call you Jolly Cock ideas.
It's crazy.
Because he has a very identifiable voice.
There's people that just have that.
It's like a certain tonality that you hear,
timbre that he has. It's like him, I feel like Ed Burns kind of has it,
Luke Perry kind of has it. There's a way their voice kind of like
resonates through their skull, you know, that they all share, but I haven't heard
anyone. Well Tim's impressions never sound like the guy. That's why they're so funny. Yeah he does a character. His Alan Finn impression is like the funniest. Which actually I think
Tim actually, Aaron Berg was the first one to do it. He stole it from the king. Now I
probably got to say Alan's going to hear this. He hears everything. He does. More so than
anybody. Yeah he's going to be like, you're going to have to delete that.
You've made a lot of enemies.
I've got the...
That is a very funny character.
To take it there, yeah.
Alan Finn is a guy who is ethnically Russian, but he does not have an accent at all.
He's from Queens.
And he was Tim's old roommate.
And Tim and Alan Ehrenberg would do an impression of him. He's from Queens. And he was Tim's old roommate. Yeah. And Tim and now
Aaron Berg would do an impression of him. Aaron started it. He'd be like, Mr. Berg,
how are you doing such a beautiful evening? It's just not how he sounds at all. I don't
know what makes it so funny. How do I perform at Stan's Comedy Club? How do I perform at stand comedy club? How do I perform at such beautiful club?
Yakov Smerov?
Tell the police.
I was just talking to somebody about Yakov.
What a move. You just go to Branson, Missouri.
You just pick a fucking town and you're like, I'm going to be the king of this shit.
Well, Branson's like Vegas, but it's for like old people.
Is it Vegas for old people? Yeah, but Branson's like Vegas, but it's for like old people. Oh, is it Vegas for old people?
Yeah, but Branson's like clean.
It's like a...
When I went to Skanks Fest last year on the plane with us
was like two of those like British kind of,
there were Scottish women that were like,
I guess you call them slags or whatever.
Sluts.
Yeah, but like just like, you know, like just disgusting. You know, like fucking paint, like a clown. Yeah, but just disgusting.
Like a clown.
Really like a stereotype that I've only ever
seen on the internet.
I was like, seeing them in real life, I was like, whoa.
They're like, where is our site at?
They said down here!
And I was like, oh my god.
This is like a creature.
You know when you go to the zoo and you hear birds
and you're like, they're that loud?
That's how loud this fucking thing is?
This is a beast.
Yeah, that's what it was like.
Seemed like a sand crane person.
Yeah, it's insane they controlled the planet.
Like the British disgust the people.
The Scottish did it.
No, the Scottish.
Oh, they were Scottish, I forgot yeah they're just now getting fried foods no they only fried okay
sorry yeah yeah that's all oh apologies I'm sorry apologies I apologize to you
no I apologize I apologize to you I apologize to you I apologize to you you
know that Scottish joke?
My dad's favorite joke?
No.
What Scottish joke?
What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones say, hey you, get off of my cloud.
And a Scotsman says, hey McCloud, get off of my you.
Get off of my you?
A female sheep.
Oh, yeah. A female sheep. Is that a thing that they, that's a stereotype? McCloud get off of my you get off of my you
Is that a thing that they I think they're like
Disgusting yeah, yeah, have you ever considered an animal?
About a horse and nice ass. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah
It is funny like yeah when you see a when you see a horse's ass and that's big you guys make See I remember I would hear you do that bit all the time
And I have no idea what you're talking about because to me a horse doesn't have an ass
What do you mean, but you don't see they don't have butt cheeks. It's just the end of the horse
But you don't see they don't have butt cheeks. It's just the end of the horse
Yeah, they should with the end of them. Yeah, but it's not like they have it's not like I've never seen a horse or I'm like Oh, is that the horse from Brazil? But when you're checking out?
That was got a BBO yeah, but the horses must be attracted to each other's asses
Well, they must be attracted to the whole package. They're like, oh wow
It's got such a long face
and the face veins.
Look at the flies in her eyes.
Huge cock.
Yeah, do you think female horses are like,
they're probably squeamish.
I'm a size squeam.
They probably evolved that way.
But you don't think that this part of the horse
is what gets the other horses going?
This thick?
That doesn't really look.
But it's not like an ass?
It doesn't look like an ass to me.
But everybody says horse's ass.
Like, well I guess I won't do the bit.
I guess I'll have to do the bit.
No, you can do the bit, it's funny.
I'm not saying don't do the bit.
I laugh at it.
The back, the back.
But I don't know, it doesn't look like an ass to me.
Okay. It looks like the back part of a horse't know, it doesn't look like an ass to me. Okay.
It looks like the back part of a horse.
It looks like a drumstick.
Yeah.
Yeah, but look, it's like thick and round.
Let's look up Randallan's ass and compare.
Cause that's like- Who's Randallan?
Oh, that girl.
Yeah, she's got, I don't know.
I don't know, I think I know what you're talking about.
That looks like an ass.
Like, somebody is probably turned on by this.
It sounds like you are.
I mean, look, this is an ass.
Come on.
It is true that when you hear that there's a guy
named Mr. Hands that's fucked a horse,
you assume that...
Where does Hands come from?
Uh...
There was his name on the forum, the animal.
You assume that he's fucking...
One of those ass-ranglers.
Okay.
That's Nick's ex-
Uh, ex-wife.
This is my ex-girlfriend, dude.
Yeah.
It's funny if you got divorced and that happened to your wife.
I would be like...
You see her at a parent-teacheracher conference you haven't seen her in forever.
So what have you been up to?
You look different.
You look different.
She's like, is that your girlfriend?
She can't fit through the door.
So have you been seeing anyone?
I'm actually doing great myself.
That's fake though, right?
No, it's real. Yeah, she has like some kind of I'm actually doing great myself. That's fake though, right?
No, it's real.
Yeah?
Yeah.
She has like some kind of, she was on Tosh.0.
Okay.
She has like some kind of medical thing.
Okay.
I mean, that's insane.
Yeah.
Does that like do anything for you?
What do you mean?
Do you find that attractive?
I did back when I had a libido probably 20 years ago.
And now I'm like,
You can DVR 4 movies on Fios now.
That's the only thought I have.
I got Kung Fu Panda 3 on DVR waiting for me at home
Is there something else we should talk about what's that well kung fu Panda's funny cuz he doesn't really like train oh, yeah
Just discreet about the ad read
Is there something else we should be talking about? Is there another maybe secret?
Do you have a secret?
Doesn't it sound like I'm gossiping everything I say?
You do gossip a lot and you lead with you're always interested.
I say if it's a gossip.
Yeah, but you love telling.
No, I'll say like do you want to get Chipotle for lunch?
You're like why? Do you want to get Chipotle?
It's always fine to, yes, you do say things like you're gossiping and it's fine to gossip is fine to talk shit
It's even fine to be like it's hyperbola. So word I'm gonna say hyperbolic hyperbolic
In in in the things that you say no, it's still
I said three slices of pepperoni pizza
Yeah, good
No, but God's punishing me for defending you, because that's what I'm doing.
No, no, you're not doing that.
If anything, backhandedly maybe defending me.
I don't know.
I don't gossip.
Are you having a heart attack?
My heart's not over here.
No, I have indigestion from eating three slices of pepperoni pizza.
Where's your heart?
Your heart's here. No, I have indigestion from eating three slices of pepperoni pizza. Where's your heart?
Your heart's here.
Oh, interesting.
And it might not even be indigestion.
It's like the little muscles in between your ribs,
intercostal muscles.
I get cramps and that shit all the time.
I've got terrible posture.
Yeah, me too.
I'm never going to fix it, I feel like.
I'm too old to fix my posture.
How do you fix it, though?
It's like you never know you're doing it.
I've seen pictures or like when we act and stuff
for the show and I'm like, it's disgusting.
It seems like it's so easy to fix.
I look like I shouldn't be allowed near a school.
I'm like, this is horrible.
All right guys, we wanna talk to you about one other thing.
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That's pretty fucking big.
When was the last time you saw the great mouse detective? It's been a while.
I saw, I watched it like maybe three years ago
during the pandemic.
It's really good.
It's good, right?
There was some woman recently, I was saying,
looks like Ratigan.
OK.
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Radigan kinda looks like a sick,
like a dummy sick goss latino.
I love dummy thick latina.
You know, like yeah, dummy thick goth latina is like Radigan's look.
So I was thinking about somebody and I was like, yeah, she looks like Radigan.
And then I remembered that I had not seen great mouse detectives in a long time.
The scene where all the bad guys are drinking that pink wine was like so much fun.
Awesome.
Awesome scene, dude.
The Radigan does this on like his is like
Mandatory gay villain everyone suck me off song
Everybody has to talk about how fucking awesome
Is he oh like the Gaston the Gaston song is the best example the Kung Fu Panda 2 has one
It's a gay peacock. That's the bad guy. Yeah, he has like wolves wolves that all worship him. So sick. And he was like, I killed your parents.
Peacock's all, that has to be the gayest animal.
Even if you get pussy, you're still kind of gay.
You're still kind of gay, yeah.
Yeah, you have a big, like, you're like showy.
Yeah.
You're kind of musical theater vibe.
Yeah.
All the Disney villains are very like queer coded.
Yes.
Jafar.
Yeah, Scar.
Yeah.
It's weird that that is now just a, it seems like it's like a public domain bit.
What?
Like pointing out that the Disney villains are dead.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, I feel like James Adomian was the first person that had, just did that as a bit.
But then I've seen other people just say it.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I guess because it's so true.
I'm not sorry.
I'm not calling you out or anything.
No, no, no.
You're right, though.
A lot of people said it.
Yeah, but I'm not saying it like that.
I'm making a different remark about why is that?
Nobody's like, wait a minute.
That's a James Adomian thing.
You know what I mean?
There's certain things that everybody can just.
It's a Berenstine's Bears kind of situation.
No, that's completely different.
It's a little bit of a Berenstine's Bears.
He just doesn't even understand what stealing is.
I think it's the Mandela effect a little bit.
No, it was a Mandela effect.
I didn't steal, I didn't steal,
there's two types of black people. It was a Mandela effect. I didn't steal, I didn't steal, there's two types of black people.
It was a Mandela effect.
You know, at a different time,
when Adam wrote the Blacks versus.
What is the Mandela effect?
Isn't that people thought he was dead.
People thought he was dead.
Yeah, people thought he died in jail.
Oh, okay.
And it was like 50% of society thought he died in jail.
They have like memories of it.
Of him dying in jail?
Yeah.
And it's like the Berenstain Bears like.
It's Berenstain.
It's Berenstain.
Which I could have sworn, you know, it was with an E.
And then people think there's a movie with Sid Manor.
Well, it's because what the fuck is Berenstain?
What's Berenstain?
Yeah, I mean, that would make sense because it's like yeah the name is stupid.
Yeah.
It's not like people thought it was like the Bergdorf bears.
Right.
It's like it's a name that shouldn't exist.
Right. But is there a chance that our teachers were like spelling it wrong maybe?
The Berenstain? Well I? Well, were they writing it down?
Yeah.
They taught that in your school?
Yeah.
You know what I think it is?
Honestly, I think about it because it's
like most of my consumption of Berenstain Bears
was before I knew how to read.
That was like a thing that you would like
in first or second grade.
So it's like early reading.
So it was read to you. So you would like in first or second grade so it's like early reading so it was read to you so you would just hear it you were never
actually reading the name Berenstain Bears yeah you would just hear Berenstain
Bears and then it became Berenstein Bears in your head when you learn what
Jewish people are. When did you first learn what Jewish people are? I'm trying to
think about like yeah like learning about the Holocaust.
Because I told this story before,
I can't remember if it was the Holocaust
or the siege of Leningrad, learning about.
But either when they liberated the camps
or the siege ended and the soldiers came in
and they had a bar of chocolate that they gave to like them.
And I remember being a kid being like,
damn, that must have tasted so good.
That's your big takeaway.
Lucky.
No, literally, just jealous.
And I'm like, can you imagine how good that is?
Chocolate?
OK, and Nick will do his presentation on it.
Today, Nick's going to give his book report.
I made a chocolate diorama of Alshans.
But I accidentally ate half of it.
I was like, and then they just,
marching little chocolate people into the,
into the oven.
And then they were like, in front of the class.
They pulled a bottle train up, little chocolate people,
and then they died.
You're right, Udder did eat his chocolate diorama.
I begged you to look at my picture.
I begged you.
I begged you to look at my picture.
Yes, very good joke.
What a funny show.
I guess I'm a joke, Steve, myself.
Yeah, are we all though?
Yeah, but I wasn't calling you out.
No, that's true.
It's all right, dude.
Yeah.
But I think we all do it.
You know, we all borrow from each other.
From the Simpsons, certainly.
Yeah, yeah. Or we all go, oh, this situation, you know.
I feel like you and I have very original premises.
Because they're all just like borderline psychotic.
What about my premise?
Like what? What's your biggest joke, would you say?
What do you clothes on?
I kind of love all of them on the crisis, actually.
Which one is that?
I don't want to say it, but it's going to my special. I can't burn it right now.
When I went to theater camp, I had a crush.
It's original. You've heard it a million times.
Would you like to describe it for us? No I'm not Mike's heard it. What? You know
that you know that bit I closed on. What the crisis actor? Yeah. Is that an
original premise? It's pretty original yeah. Thanks man. I appreciate it. I got it.
I got it. That's not bad.
There is a time when Deb would be like, you know, I think Adam's actually my favorite stand-up of the three
between Nick Stov and What? When they gave her an epidural?
I was in the hospital doing my act.
I was doing some sort of patch.
Yeah, I go down to the OBGYN and do sort of a Patch Adams thing.
Yeah, the doctors wanted to put her to sleep, you know?
I'm sort of like a Patch Adams, but in the mastectomy.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm kind of a volunteer Patch Adams.
She does like your standup.
Ooh, well thank you.
And she said, at one time she said,
I think Adam's my favorite standup.
Wow.
But yeah, she was.
That's insane, because you're also a comedian,
and that's your wife.
She's probably just being a bitch to you.
She's like, who's the worst comedian Mike's friends with?
She's like, that guy's good.
Yeah, there was like, I don't know who,
I mean, I'm sure he knows, but somebody's,
there's a story about fucking Louis, was Lewis married no or he had it
Remember James's mother was would say that Nate Bardazzi was her favorite comic. Yeah, I mean while they were like dating. Yeah
It's very funny it's a lot of pressure that would be your wife's favorite comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what you do
You don't want to be calm. It's not my girlfriend. Hey, it's probably really. Yeah, that's how I know she's the one
Yeah, yeah, she doesn't like going to see me do comedy. It's comedy. My girlfriend hates comedy. Really? Yeah, that's how I know she's the one. Yeah.
Yeah, she doesn't like going to see me do comedy.
That's good.
She doesn't have Instagram.
Yeah, because I feel like you couldn't respect someone
that thought comedy was good.
If they're a comedy fan,
I would be the biggest turn off in the world.
Right, yeah.
I'd be like, what are you, a fat guy?
Right.
What are you, an ugly man?
You've got me.
Yeah. She pulls off the mask, even ugly man. You got me.
She pulls off the mask and it's a Gildan Heavy triple XL
hoodie in black.
It's the mandatory comedy fan hoodie on.
Wait, what's the mandatory comedy fan hoodie?
A Gildan Heavy quadruple XL black hood.
Gildan Heavy is a brand of like t-shirt blanks.
But they're formless. It's just like heavy canvas.
It's the material you would hide a tank with in World War II.
It's just like thick. So if you're like, if you want to just cover your
disgusting body with a fumigation tent, you get a
Gilding hay.
When I was printing t-shirts, I had the brand I was using,
they were like sort of like more of like an athletic fit,
and I would get a lot of angry messages.
Yeah.
They were like, I look like a giant nipple.
Wear the fat shirt, you know who your audience is
Yeah, every every time I printed t-shirts small it was the only one that didn't sell yeah, I think I sold like one small
Yeah, sure
For girls. Yeah. Yeah, some guy ordered like a 4xl for me
4XL from me. And then he never, he never, like, he just died.
I'd say he just died.
I'm just stuck with a blanket.
You know, I sold t-shirts like last summer.
Give me a smart merch move.
As you do the t-shirt rollout, you only sell 7XL.
And you only print 10 of them.
7XL, you put them up for sale.
And then, once you see the shirt on an episode of My 600
Pound Life, you release all the regular.
That's pretty good.
You make a shirt that fits the people so fat that they get
on television for it.
You know what I mean?
Because then it's like they're not buying your merch.
They're buying the only shirt that fits.
Yeah, there's like six of them.
They can only wear, yeah, exactly, a bed sheet with holes cut in it, or an Adam Friedland
show shirt.
Can you imagine somebody sitting there in Dr. Now's office just wearing an Adam Friedland
painting shirt?
Yes.
Yes, absolutely.
I will stick to the diet 100%. I've never been more committed to anything in my life. I'm gay, my dick is small. You're fat and your shirt is ugly. Okay, your shirt is offensive.
What the fuck are you wearing?
I'm gonna just drive all the way back to Ohio in a giant croc.
I have a croc with wheels.
He always wants them to stay in Houston.
He always wants them to stay in the city.
He always wants them to stay in the city.
He always wants them to stay in the city.
He always wants them to stay in the city. He always way back to Ohio in a giant croc.
They have a croc with wheels.
He always wants them to stay in Houston to meet their way to high school.
Well, they have to. They have to a lot of times. They get like a hotel.
I watch more of that show than anything else.
Really?
Yeah.
Nick loves that show.
That one and Seven Little Johnsons.
One time I was like hammered. It was late at night, and Nick put it on and it started stressing me out.
I was like, come on, dude, we're too drunk for this. He's like, no, you gotta see how fat this guy is.
This one's good.
There's a clip where I had somebody, he was like, you're not eating vegetables?
And the lady was like, I'm kind of a picky eater.
You're not a picky eater if you have 600 pounds.
I'm gonna get a new radio, man, 600 pounds. Yeah, my favorite part is when they get on the scale.
And then the scale that they have on the show
will do this like boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
So it's like, let's bring the game.
The game does the same.
Yeah.
I watched the episode of Wheel of Fortune the other day, too.
I haven't checked in on that in a while.
That guy, Pat Sajak, has it figured out.
You know when he like gang shoots the entire year?
In like three weeks.
They shoot every episode.
He's like, no, we'll do 15 a day.
And Vanna White makes like $75 an episode.
That can't be true.
I've heard she's like underpaid.
I've heard she's like underpaid.
Oh, underpaid.
Sorry.
No, I heard she doesn't make very much.
Well, I'm sure it's something like he makes a hundred million dollars an episode, and
then she probably gets two million dollars an episode.
He loves Trump.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Does he?
He's a big magga, sage eye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He tweets a lot about it.
He does?
I think so, yeah.
He's pretty good.
Pretty good one to check out.
I love Wheel of Fortune.
I love the part where they'll show you
where the million dollars was.
So it's not like, oh, the million dollars are always.
He's like, yeah, let's see where that fucking thing went.
It's been like 40 years.
It's like, where the hell was that shit anyway?
Here it was.
This would have been it.
But you didn't get it, so fuck off.
But he's got to be in his 70s? Yeah, what about all these guys that hosted like the newlywed game show and the dating game?
Like though they don't really work anymore like Bob Eubanks and
Chuck Woolery like he's like a big MAGA guy. He works anymore though. It's the MAGA
Game show industrial complex. Yeah. Yeah, they only get a yeah MAGA guys with great voices great hair
Yeah, yeah, Woolery was like did a bunch of those. Yeah
Those are kind of fun those dating game shows that my grandparents. Did you do the my book you read already? Mm-hmm
Taps
Primo code taps my bookie
Check it out guys. March Madness. Big, big money. $1000 bonus.
Yeah, I used to have to go to my grandma's house to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.
I remember one time I found her golf set and I swung it like a baseball bat and I got in big trouble.
Why? I got hit. You hit something? I got hit. That was the one time you got hit?
No, I got hit. I the one time you got hit no I got it
But I think we all got hit no you just said your mom only hit you one time my mom only hit me one time
Yeah, of course she I mean she would hey got me did you break something or just no
I was just around you know I was a little kid a little kid. I was just trying to practice golf.
But yeah, I got in big trouble for that.
One time I called my brother a motherfucker
and he told my grandfather.
And my grandfather just came in the,
I was watching TV and he just came in
and started beating me with both of his hands.
That's my daughter!
He's just like, yeah, he's just like, ah!
But then he left and I was like, didn't it didn't hurt because I'm so old yeah
It's just like you going like your brother or mother fucker
Because it was it not the disabled one the regular one. He's a good. They like snitched on me. What a bitch
Yeah, you're the oldest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, what was that? That's across you have to bear Yeah, I used the oldest yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like what was that's across you have to bear
Yeah, I used to tell my sister. I wish she was a guy so I could get better at fighting
I was like I would be way better at fighting. Yeah, it's the reason she could probably kick your ass
Her then your mom I would be surprised
Mortal combat you got to go from Adam's sister to Adam's mom. I feel like Zoe could beat the shit out of you probably
She has more vitality
She has a she has a strength that you don't have but you can't if a man's dead already inside the
Depths that I'll go to you're not dead already inside you listen to like vanga boys at home
He's not possibly be further from being dead inside.
You should try to fight my wife.
I'll give you permission.
No, I'm her favorite comedian.
Then she won't say it anymore.
Yeah, but you should like to see if,
or maybe you'll beat her and then she'll,
it'll confirm her.
What, you're gonna take a hit out on your wife?
You're gonna pay someone to fight your wife?
Yeah.
It would be very embarrassing to lose to a woman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's pretty, uh, scrappy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, my freshman year of high school.
She smashed my phone into a wall a few months ago.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
She threw it?
Yeah.
Why?
You know, it's just something she found on there, but she, like, took my phone and smashed
it.
Sounds like Deb is canceled.
If you work at the speech pathology center,
it makes you a father.
Domestic abuser, rapist, Deb Racine.
Something she found.
What did she find?
Nothing.
It's a drawing of me wearing Mario's clothes
and having a milkshake with Sonic.
It's like a Microsoft Pay drawing.
What are you doing? Stop!
It's beating me.
It's Shrek and he's pregnant with me.
I've got Sonic's hair.
Mike, why would you have that on your phone? That's weird. You're a married man.
You don't understand art.
Mike!
Mike!
I don't know.
He's pregnant with you.
She found it.
She found a Venmo receipt.
I paid $800 for it.
Out of Benjamin's college fund.
She had a gun.
What are you doing, Sean?
Stop it!
It's about how our mothers are monsters.
She took me to a ravine.
I'm trying to make a statement.
She took me to a ravine.
We did a mock execution, ISIS style.
She made me dig the hole.
She made me dig the hole.
She clicked the trigger.
No bullet came out.
I pooped my pants.
She laughed at me.
You ever see the movie, it's like Alpha Bravo or something
with Sean Bean?
No.
Who's that?
You know who Sean Bean is.
Bravo 2-0.
Came out in 1999.
Sean Bean plays, I guess it's based on a true story
with these SAS soldiers
that got kidnapped by the Mujahideen.
And then at one point he's just,
I don't know why it popped into my head,
but he keeps saying, I'm just a British soldier.
He has severe PTSD and he's forced to lick shit
off of a toilet seat.
What movie is it?
It's,
Bravo.
Kung Fu Panda 5.
Yeah, yeah Bravo to zero
But I just remembered that popped into my head. I don't know we were talking about but just a mental image of Sean Bean
Just licking licking shit off of a toilet and say I'm just a British soldier
That's what they do it because you did your mom ever watch like fucked up movies that she would describe them to you? Yeah
One of the best like things about having a podcast is like, okay
I fucking like those things I've forgotten around I could just describe like a rough which I guess now you could do a chat GP
So I'm positive. Yeah, there was a movie. I saw as a kid on TV one time
Which now thanks to some audience member it's called the power of
one but it's just about this like boy that has to go to a new school in South
Africa and then he gets bullied they like push him in the car remember that
movie they all piss on them uh-huh and I just remember the scene of him being
like pissed on yeah and then you know I'm like wow that doesn't fucking happen
to me I don't get fucking pissed on yeah I was I was scared of going to middle school and people make fun of my clothes. Yeah, I thought that was gonna happen
Yeah, I was scared to go sundress
I was scared to go to high school, but I thought it would be cruel intentions
Yeah, yeah, I saw that movie when I was in eighth grade. I was like god high school's gonna be a nightmare
Yeah, a lot of oval sunglasses. Yeah.
You have to be rich and fuck your sister.
They're gonna find out my clothes are from the Gap, and they're gonna...
They're gonna find out I'm gay.
They're gonna find out I'm...
Any road dates coming up, Mike?
I'll be in Zany's. I'll be at Zany's in Chicago on April 3rd.
Great. Cool. So, yeah, that'll be fun. And then I got be at Zany's in Chicago on April 3rd. Great club. So yeah, that'll be fun
And then I got my special will be out on March 21st. It'll be on YouTube on the Out4Smoke's
YouTube channel. I'm excited. Very important day. Everyone check it out guys
I will be in Detroit this weekend at the House of Comedy with Caleb Pitts Friday and Saturday 4 shows
I'm at Charlie Goodnights next weekend in Raleigh North Carolina there's a couple other things
to plug Dan Soder special yeah I got a dancer Dan St. Germain special Rodney
Danger I got Rochester March 11th May 11th comedy at the Carlson dance
special Dan St. Germain special somebody else asked me to pull something. Greg Stone.
Greg Stone is a special, fuck it, whatever.
I don't care.
I hope he's there.
That was hilarious.
Yeah.
Greg Stone's great.
All right, thanks a lot guys.