The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Sam Tallent - Episode 42.mp3
Episode Date: February 24, 2024The Adam Friedland Show Podcast - Episode 42 w/ Sam Tallent Merch Now Live: https://theadamfriedland.show/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theadamfriedlandshow/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@a...damfriedlandshowclips Subscribe to @TheAdamFriedlandShow for more here: https://bit.ly/sub-tafs LIVE SHOWS: NICK MULLEN: https://www.mull.dog/live-shows Feb 22 — Feb 24: Nashville, TN @ Zanies Mar 21 — Mar 23: Raleigh, NC @ Goodnights Comedy Club Apr 11 — Apr 13: Portland, OR @ Helium Comedy Club ADAM FRIEDLAND: https://www.adamfriedland.com/tour Mar 8 - Mar 9: Boston, MA @ Laugh Boston Mar 15 - Mar 16: Detroit, MI @ The Detroit House of Comedy #theadamfriedlandshow #tafs #nickmullen #adamfriedland #samtallent
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome to the Adam Friessland Show podcast. We got a special guest today.
Sam Tallott all the way from southwestern Colorado.
I wish. Southeastern. The Kansas side.
Oh, the Kansas side. Oh, the shit side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The high plains.
Is that the four corners? Or no, that's the other side.
That's the Durango side. That's the fun side.
The west. Yeah, yeah. The Rang'ul.
So you're more of a midwestern Colorado than a rugged western Colorado. Yeah, yeah. The Rang'ul. So you're more of a Midwestern Coloradan than a Rugged Western Coloradan?
Coloradan touch is Kansas?
Yeah, and Oklahoma.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm from like the part of the state that everyone hates that no one cares about
because there's no mountains and there's just like copper wire theft.
So there's a shit like a kind of opioid riddled.
Yeah, I wish it was opioids.
It's still meth somehow.
Still meth.
Yeah, yeah. A lot of light bulb stolen out of the subway over there.
Yeah.
You think you have a subway?
A sandwich place.
Oh, the sandwich.
Colorado has a place where you stand in your five stays.
Four.
That's the, yeah, the four corners.
Which is actually not correct.
What?
If you go to four corners, you're not standing in Utah.
Why not?
I don't want to break this news here, but the people have to know.
Why not?
Because it made more sense to have the tourist trap in this one location as opposed to actually
where they converged.
Yeah, but brother, look at a map.
It's this.
Don't talk to me about it.
So how is Utah not involved?
Well, because you're not actually in Utah when you're standing in the Four Corners.
It's a little further up.
Oh, they put the X on the wrong place.
That's right.
You're only standing in two states? It goes even deeper than that.
Some say you're only standing in one, depending on what maps.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my God.
And the BLM is all up in arms about it.
And it is their fault?
Mm-hmm.
Because they say it should be in Africa.
Yeah, that's right.
You're standing in Africa.
Yeah, you should be in Swaziland right now.
It doesn't exist anymore.
No, Lesotho doesn't exist anymore.
You had a hand in that, right? Not my fault, but I was laughing.
We cashed the checks. I was laughing.
Guys, can I say what an exciting time this is for me to be here?
Really? Long time listener, first time caller.
New York City. Yeah, yeah.
You are now on the big city. You are now on the ashes of the finest podcast.
Where was that?
Detroit.
Detroit?
It came and I opened for you there.
That was a nice evening.
You had Jake with you?
No, that was a horrible weekend.
I had a nice time with you guys.
I was only there for the Thursday.
Oh, yeah.
No, late show Saturday was a fucking, like there's people screaming and the club wouldn't oh no the club wouldn't like
even talk to
Like people and then it was people up front yelling at each other. They're gonna eat me alive. I'm going next month
Well, the house of comedy Roy Locke. Yeah. Yeah
there was a cool
there was a
School of rock event happening in front of the club when I was waiting for it to open and I just got stand there and listen to a
Bunch of kids play like Slayer and disturb songs. That's fine. It was nice
I heard that the guy that started the actual school rock not Jack Black movie, right? Yeah
Pito pito ring. Well, of course out to drop
Why are you gonna get the coolest baddest kids to gather around you and teach them how to play?
Rock the movies based on a true story?
I think, I don't know what started first, but there are schools of rock now for kids
to learn like Weezer and stuff, and they were learning a little bit more of that.
Yeah, because those kids are willing to do anything to be a star.
It's pathetic what show business does to people, especially white men.
Oh yeah.
Really nice to have you here, guys.
This is the room.
You want to plug your special, it's a phenomenal special.
Thank you, the Toad's Morale, available on Shane and Matt's YouTube page.
And it sounds kind of like a fable.
It sounds like one of those African fables.
It's an ESOP situation.
Like an ESOP.
I'm the ancient turtle and the crowd rides on my back.
I saw some review of, is there a second one?
There was one in his articles commenting on Shane hosting SNL.
And it was a relatively neutral article,
but they called their podcast, Shane and Matt's Secret.
Yeah.
Which is like a Brokeback Mountain.
Oh yeah, yeah, right.
That's a little secret.
The author's popular podcast, Shane and Matt's Secret.
The love that can't speak its name.
The love that can't speak its name.
Shane and Matt.
Yeah, longtime roommate Shane and Matt bring their ribbed tile of comedy.
I did it with Howie Mandel when I was in Austin last time.
Matt and Shane?
Yeah.
Howie Mandel went on.
Howie Mandel came on Shane's podcast.
You see, actually, Baldwin and Shane just had for like sanitary reasons.
I think it's so he can't get the license stuff in there.
And he won't shake your hand and stuff.
He shook.
He shook.
He's coming around on it.
But then he threw up afterwards.
He did.
Yeah.
Blood came out of his eyes.
I'll find a way to meet him and just have Duda all over my abdomen.
Just be covered in blood.
Fly away.
Yeah.
Come on your sleeves.
Like, yeah, it look like Slimer.
Sticky.
I'm just speaking in Chinese, but like Sylvester the cat,
just spitting all over.
Just a-pangoring.
Just spitting.
I was like, I've had one of those.
Yeah.
I'm surprised he's not one of those like still things
COVIDs going on, guys.
He was really cool.
He just didn't know that MatterEye existed.
So he was like, it's an honor to be on Shane's pod,
big fan, in Matt's like right there.
And he's in the name.
He's the first name in the podcast.
Well, he can read.
He's probably going to be padded like celebrities
who are here to do the interviews for this show.
I'm not a celebrity.
But you're a big star.
Big star.
Take up space.
They don't even know who Adam is,
is his show. They're't even know who Adam is. Is this his show?
They're like, so what is this?
People think it's come town.
No, they don't.
They don't even know what that is.
Dave Portnoy thought he was coming to do come town when I had him on the show.
He was shocked.
Did he have an Andre steakhouse shirt on?
He thought he was going to be there.
I was wearing a suit.
He's like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, welcome to hell.
Yeah, the doors are locked, Dave. Buy your way out of this one.
I'm gay.
I don't know what to do in the city besides do these podcasts.
It's nice to come in and have a giggle.
You could do a group on like a walking graffiti tour in Bushwick.
Yeah, you should do that.
I could lead one of those and be like, do you think the blacks are crazy now?
You should do that.
Yeah, I could lead one of those and be like, do you think the Bushwick. Yeah, you should do that. I could lead one of those and be like,
do you think the blacks are crazy now?
You shouldn't see what they were doing in 87.
You should see what the new kind of blacks were doing.
There was a group of black teenagers
at the West Niaq Mall, and we were waiting at a Wetzel's
pretzels, and they cut in line in front of us,
and they had all balaclava's on
And my future was like let's get out of here man. There's an auntie ends upstairs. He like immediately wanted to bail
Yeah, they're wearing full masks right yeah, that's not a race at a certain point you got to be like, okay
Well a 15 year old in a mask right exactly any color. I don't care. I turn in the grand terino guy
Any color I don't care I turn in the grand Torino guy
Taking your teeth a knife
I've seen huts burn
Great weekend. Well, we all wear masks. We do. Yeah, it's our job here on this show to peel them a sub You make that drive up there. Mm-hmm like the pal says where's the tap-n-z?
I love it at night time you come around the bed, especially if there's a fog that's stew Leonard's
sun that's red.
Oh.
And it's just terrifying.
It's really, really pretty up there.
The way it had so vertical, like up from the river, the way it goes up the mountain, those
houses there, they have the most gorgeous gorgeous views I would love to move up there
you could easily you could live with Chris Rock and Bill Murray yeah and uh uh Scarlett Johansson
and the Hamburglar and uh the weekend update Colin Joest I call him Scarlett Johansson's
boyfriend because I'm a feminist yeah believe it day it's his underwear, fellas. I would love him to just fart.
Colin and Joe's.
Oh my God.
It's Bowen and Scojo.
Are they married?
I think they're married, yeah.
It's none of my business.
What's that marriage going to look like in 30 years?
She's like, what were you famous for again?
Right, yeah.
How did I end up?
I'm Scarlett Johansson.
How did I end up married to some guy named Colin? You're a showrunner now? Yeah, yeah. How did I end up? I'm Scarlett Johansson. How did I end up marrying this guy named Colin?
You're a showrunner now?
Yeah, yeah.
You were on what?
One time I was fucked up and I told him.
You were on SCTV?
I married a Joe Flaherty.
You were the kids in the hall.
Oh dude, have you guys seen that documentary?
No.
The Karma Punks or whatever?
What?
It's all about the kids in the hall
and their like early years up there. It was real wild up there in Canada?
Well I mean no, but they were like the punk rock guys because they were wigs.
Everyone's like it's a revelation!
Well Monty Python did that.
Sure they did and they walked hilariously.
Why? Cat Williams was talking about how they want to put black guys in
dresses but like British guys have been doing that in comedy for 60 years.
Yeah, to big success.
To big success.
I would try it but I can't find a dress that'll fit.
Really?
It's you know they, Medea really owes it all to the just guys that got
diddled at eating.
Yeah, she erased our history.
She took it from us.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, my culture's not a costume.
I agree.
What's your culture?
Like Welsh or some crap?
I'm a quarter Mexican.
I'm secretly a quarter Mexican.
You're Chicano?
Mm-hmm.
Mestizo.
Yeah.
No way.
My grandma's from the caves of northern New Mexico and she's like from a long line of
mule skinners.
Caves?
Yeah, yeah, by wagon mound.
Like we're talking like like Anasthazi types, like ancient bloodlines.
You just use like 10 words and I'm like
This is my culture. Yeah. Oh, you're indigenous person. Yeah, you are no I'm a quarter Mexican, but then the rest of me is just like Scott Cyrus
What do you mean is I Kate there's a cave system in northern New Mexico and my grandma's like the Eskibels lived there
And they didn't know they were in America until a census guy came and my grandma's like the Eskibels lived there and they didn't know they were in America until a census
Guy came and told them and like the 30s. Yeah
Idiots, I think they ate donkey meat. Yeah, well, it's crazy. There's all these parts of the country
They didn't have like electricity until like 1950. Yeah, and they have roads or anything. There's no way in and fill it
Would anyone go in? Yeah, famously. It was all gas lights until the 70s. Yeah, and they eating crap.
Human feces.
Turds. They still do it.
I know. And it's fine.
It's disgusting.
It's their culture.
It's, they're so rude also. If you're eating crap, just don't be rude.
Yeah, shut your mouth so I don't have to see it.
Shut your mouth a little bit.
Yeah, chew with your mouth closed.
Stop saying E-A-G-L-E-S during my set at the Helium Comedy Club.
Did that happen there or yelling?
Yeah, it was so scary.
It was terrifying.
I thought those animals were gonna kill me.
Well, you're lucky because no one expects you to.
Is that that weekend?
Shane said good set to me afterwards.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
He told me probably.
Shane told me that there were these...
Ruff.
No, there were these silly guys in the back
that Shane was standing next to him.
He was like, they were like,
what the fuck is this shit?
He told me that
They didn't throw any batteries at you so it's a win because it was the NFC
Championship two days from then and they were already pre-gaming for it. Yeah, and they just started doing EA GLES
And I'm like so anyway, I'm a Jewish and you know, it was I thought I was staring Alex Edelman's act
I was doing Alex. I was doing my smile like well they're hate Adam freedom. Maybe they'll like Alex
Anti-semitism is I've suffered from it my entire life
Yeah, that's cool that you have like a you're a white guy, but you have a whole cross to bear.
Much like another Jewish guy,
just for Jesus Christ.
That fact that you have about,
is that public information or no?
You have a fact about Jesus, no one else knows?
Romance TMZ gossip, relationship.
Let's do a blind item.
That Adam's, yeah, do a blind.
Can you allude to it? No? T.M.Z. gossip and relationship. Let's do a blind item. Yeah, do a blind item.
Can you allude to it?
No?
Do it.
A certain comedian is dating.
A certain clown has been dipping his nose.
I'll say it, I'll say it.
Okay.
That's exactly how they're gonna say it.
The clown has been dipping his nose in patchhounds.
Boys.
I love blind night of the band. I think Robert Downey Jr. used to run one.
Oh, really?
And he post wild stuff under a fake name like Velvet Prince or something.
He made gossip?
Yeah, he was like the go-to gossip monger.
That's cool.
Yeah, and they'd be like.
I like that.
A certain red-headed stranger was seen at the watering hole writing someone else's horse who's at the guy from like Willie Nelson's cheating on
his wife or something yeah that's come on shut up about that man yeah let the
man live that's not even fun gossip I want to hear about I want to hear your
gossip it's about a comedian I probably never heard of Parker is doing blackface. She's doing black. Yeah
Whoa, you're gonna hear first folks. No
Anyway, so let's get Adam Adam had a juicy piece of
Turn the mics up. Yeah, it's alright. It's not even that bad
Okay, why not why not We're cutting all this out.
Do the blind item.
Can you do it as like a kind of...
No, we can't cut it out.
No, we have to cut it out.
Why?
Because I don't want to...
We didn't even say it.
It's for us.
It's for us.
Then don't say it, then it's not sad.
There's nothing to cut out.
I don't want to have to rethink the time as far as the ad reads go.
I...
Speaking of
She hit me with a car today's episode. It was a meet cute
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and guess what she's still
Sponsored by-chu old friends.
Let's talk about sex guys.
Finally.
That's why I came to this city.
Let's talk about you and me.
Let's talk about all the positions.
Do you guys juice with these things?
No.
Yeah, do you take these things before you play?
No, I would never.
It's dishonest.
I thought you meant like put it in a vitamin X.
Oh yeah, do you have a vitamin X?
No, no, no.
I see it like a same as those
the situation with the corruption of the beautiful game.
I was taking one at a risk every day.
For your heart?
Yeah, because it does have benefit.
You can look it up.
Yeah, that's why they came up with it initially.
It was a heart medicine.
I was just taking it as heart medicine.
Yeah, you just rock hard all day.
Yeah, by myself and my apartment.
Damn.
You've ever been rock hard alone? And you're like, what am I going to do with this thing?
There was a day, my girlfriend was at work.
Do you have two of the Lucy's in your pocket, by the way?
Yeah, they're definitely Lucy.
They're not a rival.
Well, they're not.
We're not doing, they're not this week, anyways.
They won't send me any product.
I'm like, we'll read for you on Shovey Behemoth.
Send me some fucking Zins. And they're like, we'll read for you on Shubby Behemoth. Send me some fucking zins.
And they're like, no, no.
If you're already doing a product, they won't send you
because they're like, why would we pay for it?
You're going to do it anyways.
You can't resist.
You stupid blabbermouth moron.
Yeah, you idiot.
Hey, pig man, read the copy.
But hey, I love being hard, and I love not being able
to get hard on my own.
Sam, you remember the days where you could always you were always ready to go
Oh for sure. Yeah 13 waking up ready to flip my man. My criticism is they should call it red chew because blue
I associate with like the matrix a ball lack of oxygenation
Yeah, you know you would imagine your your your blue if you're cold
But inside your body your blood is blue if you're cold and but inside your body your blood it's blue it is red oxygen is blue in your veins because your muscle would use all
the oxygen up and it's going back to your heart to get why is my cock blue all
the time and cold because you keep dipping it yeah because you use it like a
fun dip stick a certain comedians blue sticks has been dipped in a different
fun now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed
That's a place where I am incredibly
Confident folks blue shoe is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra
See Alice and Levita finally but in a for everybody, but in a chewable tablet
What the fuck is Levita? It's for black women. Okay. Yeah
It's a pussy and tightening serum.
You can take them any time, day or night, so you can plan ahead or be ready whenever
an opportunity arises.
It'll be a phone to get better reception on the bus.
The process is simple.
Like I said, you're not planning on anything, but now suddenly there's a hole in the wall
and Gaza and you walk through it and you find yourself at a music festival.
It's crazy they let this happen.
Yeah, you're going to need some blue chew.
You've got work to do.
75 years worth of revenge.
You don't need the blue chew for that.
No.
That's ancient blood, and it's boiling.
I'm just kidding.
There's no evidence any of that actually happened in this idea.
But there is a lot of evidence that Blue Sheet
will get you rock hard.
Yeah, and ready for all types of rape
of man-kings situations.
My thing on the read last like two months
has been trying to work in the October 7th.
Is anything October 7th related, at least one?
What was it, October 7th?
What happened that day?
It was a bit of a kerfuffle.
Your birthday.
Your birthday. It was awesome. Yeah, I miss, I forget. It's a massacre at Eora's birthday in Austin, Texas.
Really? He did it in his name. He had a cloud about to pin the tail on this.
Some Muslim guy dressed up like Tigger raped a bunch of people.
Tigger's so close. It's a crazy name. I won't even say the name.
I won't even say it. I won't even say it. So close
A.A. Milne was like one day
He bummed out by the first letter. Well, you know because he'd brought all his books for his son Yeah, did Christopher Robin and did poo bear because he had a poo like a poo toy
They were sitting there in the kitchen table and he was like who else?
And he just sort of looking out his window and the black guy watching my.
And he's like...
But only there was something wonderful about that.
And he was bouncing a basketball.
He's pretending to see a basketball.
And basketball is orange, much like a tiger.
He's pretending to see a basketball.
And so he's like, oh, okay.
All right, that's right.
So you can sign up at bluechoo.com
and consult with one of their licensed medical providers. And once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription That's right. That's right. That's all. Yeah. Right.
So you can sign up at bluechoo.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers,
and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days.
The best part is it's all done online.
No visit to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the
pharmacy for your penis.
You don't have to tell some bitch you can't get hard.
For your penis.
Yeah.
Blue Choo's tablets are made in the USA.
I love that, because we're bringing jobs, you know.
This is saving Tulsa, these pills.
These are fucking union men.
And prepared and shipped direct to your door
in a discreet package, like a spy.
And even if you're squatting,
they'll send them to any address.
Does it work?
Yeah.
You can get it sent to an Amazon locker.
Bluechees wants to help you have better sex.
Discover your options at bluechew.com,
chew it and do it.
And we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code TAFS.
Oh, shit, it's free now?
You try it.
Our old deal used to be you just got like,
the shipping was free, but now you get a free sample?
No, no, it's the same.
If you're a homeless person, you want to, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Just pay the five dollars guys. Visit bluechute.com for more details and important safety information.
You're gonna wanna read that.
And we thank Bluechute for sponsoring this podcast.
All right, back to the show.
How do you guys sell those to the fans afterward?
No, I don't think that's legal.
You can sell the copy, I mean the actual piece of paper.
Oh my God, they buy anything these guys.
Oh for sure.
Nick's been selling his undergarments to the fans.
You know when I went to Japan,
I was so stoked to find one of those vending machines.
Oh really?
No.
Of course, I was over there for a week,
dicking around.
I didn't, see I'm too like,
I was just fascinated by the stores
that still sell like VCRs and DVDs.
Yeah.
You know, like to go to like a DVD player store. Mm-hmm, and I was like damn
It's like being in a circuit city. I was in one of like the Yoda Bashi Akiba and I went to buy a word processing unit
That's only available over there
That's like very small and I bought it and then after I pot
I was like this rights in English right and the guy behind the counter went oh
And then I didn't know how to return
it so I just left with a unit that I can't use. Oh that's cool. Serves us right
for what we did over in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Do you have like do you have
like specific writing instruments because you have to like procrastinate by
balancing from one type of writing instrument to another. I wanted something
that I could use on an airplane that was small enough for the the tray table
Oh, yeah, but no, I'm pretty good about not procrastinating when it comes to writing. I want to do yeah
Yeah, the rest of this shit's tough
You can't write when you're on the road because you want to go ride the Ferris wheel in the mall
You can't be in the hotel room. I find it's easier to work on the road. Oh, I have a tough time. I don't really do anything
You go do stuff. Oh, yeah, I love doing stuff. I go to the botanical gardens. You were in Columbus do anything. You go do stuff?
Oh yeah, I love doing stuff.
I go to the Botanical Gardens.
You were in Columbus, did you go to the gardens?
Well no, snowing.
Still.
Yeah, but also too, 90% of the time the clubs are like an hour outside of the city.
Yeah, it's a strip mall or a type of town mall.
Yeah, do I want to risk it, stay downtown, spend an additional $300 and over the weekend on ubers?
They'll reimburse you remember. I
Get revert you got a second receipts to the club. They'll pay for your ground travel
Yeah, I mean it's baked into my deal as I have to pay for a fucking everything. I just got a travel buyout
The buyout the boy I'll take the buyout and then crash at someone's house
Extra 500 rock now. No, it's every penny. It's not what you make. It's what you save.
That's right. Yeah. You're a homeowner? No. No. No, no. I want to buy an apartment in Paris for my wife's like,
Who are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? Paris. I'm obsessed with it.
It is the only thing in my life that didn't disappoint me. Me too.
I was on the plane about to land the gall. I'm like, it's, Paris is gonna be more. Isn't there dog shit everywhere? That's Naples. Oh, okay. And there's
dog. Yeah. I mean, it is it's fabulous. Yeah. It's it's I wept when I came up the stairs
the first time. Yeah, it cracked me open. It's lovely. Yeah. The Sen. I mean, the people
are fucking losers, but the rest of it as a play
You know the thing about Paris is like every block of Paris like if there's a building you see and you're like that's phenomenal
Yeah, if
One of those buildings was an American city
It would be like you'd be like oh in Columbus you got to go visit that yeah
Yeah, that's the one place you go they have it on like three on every block
There's also a Bone Museum. The
catacombs are really fun. Oh my. If you're into bones, which I know you are.
What do you, I'm not into bones. Yeah he is. Yeah he is. Since when?
Nick, come on. No, I'm you know what's what's like. He's doing his lying thing again.
What's what is an example of that? Remember when you made that big
Theron made of bones? No. No? But now I'm remembering that picture of Arthur Chu sitting in the Game of Thrones chair.
With his shoes.
When times are good.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my god.
That's one of the best pictures of all time.
It's just the gayest thing you can do.
Yeah.
Just go get a picture of yourself in the novelty Game of Thrones chair.
Like, that's the lowest tier of going going to see the the the friends coffee shop in like in the
West Village yeah and then he's just his shoes and there's no the laces or it's
like mangled yeah just destroy just destroy new balances right white new
balances yeah orthopedic re-box or whatever.
I like that you guys know the details about how he tied his shoes.
That's the funny part because you see the picture and it's like this is a lame picture.
And then you see the shoes and it's just evidence of like how much this man's like personal
hygiene and personal life is just in a complete state of disarray.
All he can do is tweet.
The velcro was too rough on his palm.
It tells like an entire story.
Yeah.
Yeah, it shows. It doesn't tell.
I mean, you could just, I guarantee you if I Google Arthur Shoe Choose.
Arthur Shoe Choose.
What about Arthur Blue Shoes?
Arthur Blue Shoes.
Get him involved.
Yeah.
Actually, if you Google it, the first thing that comes up is Come Town Arthur Shoe Shoes.
See?
So I've gone into this before.
But your SES has been maximized.
We covered it.
We covered every angle.
He's tied.
Can you see them?
The tongue is folded up into a tiny.
That guy moved.
Like that'll do.
The laces are on his ankle.
So he's tied his ankle to the top of his shoes.
And then the tongue goes up and through the
different layers of laces.
Like his nurse did him in a hurry.
Oh man.
Have you ever seen the fat guy whose like shoe, his foot's too wide for his shoes so
he has to walk on the heel with it all smushed down?
It is.
I feel the abuse on those shoes.
Oh they're punny.
I had to go to Hoka's.
Hoka's are nice. Oh. Oh.
Dude, how in a hurry were you to get to that chair
that you can't pull your tongue out?
It's not even a hurry.
He's just like, ah, fuck it.
That's fine.
Do you guys know how to tie your shoes non-bunny-ear style?
Yeah, of course.
Really?
I never picked it up.
Around the, you go around the?
You go around the hut, and then you pull it through?
I never do bunny
I've been bunny years. I did bunny years is how you teach a special education. Well, it's for special kids
Yeah, I'm a special guy. No, you got you go around more complicated to me. You do to boat to loops and you tie
It's hard. It's hard. It's easier. You don't have to have the dexterity. No, you've got to hold both of them in the bows.
No.
You guys are talking from a position of privilege.
I know.
I'm a little bit of a blue blood myself.
Well, you're not even half.
You've shewed laces completely.
Do you know much about Arthur Chiu?
Enough just because I listened to the show.
Oh, okay.
What are your, like, freak areas of expertise?
I know. Which, by the way, I'll be a natural this weekend. Yeah, okay. Yeah. What are your like freak areas of expertise? I know which by the way I'll be national this
weekend. Yeah, yeah. I'll be in Timonium this weekend. Oh,
okay. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. Made up city. I haven't been
able to really promote those national so I've been gone. I
had mouse surgery so podcast for weeks. So please come out
the Zanies. Did you have it widened?
What was it?
No, I did a gum graft.
So they cut off, they cut a big chunk out of the roof
of my mouth and sewed it on the front of my gums.
And then the graft just died.
What was the matter with your gums?
They just receded.
That's a nasty guy.
Huh.
That's a nasty boy.
I know a lot about like American literature from 1928 on.
That's like, that's all I really, yeah.
I know about like bad punk rock bands and stuff.
Like what?
You know, like the regional differences between like
Detroit and Cleveland punk rock in like 1977.
Pear, Ubu.
Pear, Ubu versus the Neck Rose, that kind of dumb shit.
Yeah, you think Steve Harvey and Pear Ubu ever chilled?
No.
They're both from Cleveland.
They're both from Cleveland, yeah, famously.
Also, guys, since we're saying it now,
Boston in Detroit in March.
Whoa, on the road, jogging it.
And I'm going to put two punk cities, two types of,
you know, punk used to mean a man who was
sodomized.
It was a jail slang term.
It was a jail slang, a prison punk.
He was a boy who held onto a guy's belt.
But didn't that evolve separate from like the British punk thing?
Like they both had the word at the same time?
I think so.
I think Punk Magazine came out and then that denoted the kind of music.
But punk was the thing that starts in Britain in what, the late 60s?
You're giving them credit?
74, 75?
Yoko Ono.
Yoko Ono actually was the first punk.
That's right.
Yeah.
When she killed her husband.
Had him killed by a man who looks a lot like me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what's kind of the most baller move I was talking about this weekend of all time?
How, Mr. Elliot Smith, well first of all he was probably murdered but he stabbed
himself in the heart twice but he left a note that said like this is your fault
to his girlfriend. Yeah I would love you think that's a cool guy move. I think
that's a simpering bitch of a move to tell her that she's
Look what you made me do
That's your last thing. It's kind of like a catty
You know it's really sad as when NFL guys like commit suicide and they shoot themselves in the chest
So that their brains can be studied. Mm-hmm. I wonder if Elliot Smith had CT
I'm gonna do the same thing. I'm gonna shoot myself in the chest so they can study my penis
Really? Yeah, I'm gonna be like same thing. I'm gonna shoot myself in the chest so they can study my penis. Really?
Yeah, I'm gonna be like, figure out what was wrong.
Come on, get to the bottom of this.
Reverse engineer it so no one has to suffer this curse.
Oh, wow.
I wonder if doctors would stand anything to learn from my penis.
Probably.
They'd want to know I was forked.
No, come on.
Two separate heads.
That's anti-Semitism. Come on. We were an expert in anti-semitism in these days. You can't be doing that. What?
You had nothing to do with talking about it. Come on. That's a that's a misnomer
Everyone knows our dicks don't look like that. I don't know shit about your dicks. Yes, you do
You know that fully on display know that from the punks
Jerusalem punk scene. Yes, I do. You know what's fun is
I was at the mall on Sunday And I saw a acidic guy put up 160 points on a pop-a-shop machine
That's basketball one. Oh, I thought that's the punch no no no no
But he just like swish swish swish swish really his curls were like he's swinging them around
And he had he was just killing it
I mean, I'm a good pop a shop player back and put up 50 he put up like 160
Yeah
You I mean you it's big in the community. We're just big for us. Mm-hmm. I would how good would you be at it?
Nick that's the one who goes back and forth Nick shoes like that's easy
Yeah, but you got to go underhand if you really want to make it. Have you seen the Chinese guys play?
They're all one-handed underneath. Yeah. Yeah, is that how go underhand if you really want to make it. Have you seen the Chinese guys play? They're all one-handed underneath.
Yeah, yeah.
Is that how you do it?
I do like to do this because it's easier to get off the backboard if you go underhand.
Oh, okay.
I know there's a strategy to it.
Well, spend some time in the old arcade.
You got Dave and Buster's?
Yeah.
If they don't have a metal slug, then I just want to play Papa Shot.
Oh, okay.
What's metal slug?
Metal slug is one of the great all time.
This was just shoot a bunch?
Yeah, side-scrolling shooters and you're like killing Nazis with howitzers.
They deserve it, dude.
They're fucking assholes.
They've had it too good for too long.
They haven't had it too good for too long.
The arcade game I always liked was Time Crisis.
Time Crisis was great.
So sick.
Remember the Die Hard game?
No.
The Die Hard video game was like from this angle and you got to fight your way through
a building. It was like from this angle and you got to fight your way through a building.
It was like a final fight type thing.
No, I mean the places that I remember area 51.
Oh my God.
Time crisis.
Get that trigger finger ready for the date later.
Yeah.
What else?
The second New York City game.
Of course.
Jurassic Park the one you go in.
That one was sick with the car. The car, yeah.
The motion aspect.
I always wanted one of those for my house.
I wanted to get good at ski ball but...
And then not play, I just sit in there.
Yeah, just use it as a shelf.
Yeah, then bring it, attach a hose to the exhaust of my actual car.
And bring it into the Jurassic Park.
And then it just kills everyone else in the house because it was a curtain.
Hey.
So there was no...
You wanted to come over and look at my machine?
Yeah.
What happened?
Yeah, he killed himself in a Jurassic Park machine.
Took out half the neighbor.
And you know, we said we didn't see it coming, we all kind of saw it coming.
What do you about that machine?
There were a lot of cries for help.
There were plenty of them.
Speaking of cries for help, trying to learn how to cry for help in another language, check out Babbel.
Babbel? Babbel?
It's not just a movie by it.
Look, we all want to learn other languages. We were just talking about going to Paris.
Can you imagine not being able to speak German there, to rub it in their face?
Because they can't even ban the language?
When they took over Paris, the Germans put a giant swastika flag on the top of the Eiffel
Tower and then Parisian guys would climb up the Eiffel Tower every day and get shot down
or fall until one of them took it down and then the Germans would just put up another
one the next day.
That's awesome.
Can you imagine how beautiful the Eiffel Tower would be with a giant flap and swap?
They should have just welded the other arms onto it
and just had it so the Eiffel Tower is permanently
just a shitty fucked up swastika.
Yeah, it becomes the Hindu shrine.
All the tragedies of World War II were worth it
just to see the French get fucking owned.
They gave up.
Yeah.
They gave up and then they had a Nazi version
of France immediately.
Oh yeah.
They're like, oh yeah, we've been sitting on this one
Oh, yeah, we are Vichy now. You still can't have a head wrap there
Yeah, yeah, that's true. You can't do wave checks. Yeah, you can't wear a do rag in Paris. Exactly
Guys, what's the best way to learn a language immersion? Do yeah, do you know when you want to go on vacation?
Just the two of us not tell anyone yeah to Paris
I'd go to Paris right now. You want to do like a Steve Coogan the trip? Yeah, and we have wacky conversations in the car
I'm very bad at impressions though. I would go there. I do read a lot of them. I would go there and be muslim
Yeah, come on over be cool. These Muslim is possible. Yeah. Yeah, be extra. I'd be like one of these figs those British Muslim YouTube guys white guys. Yeah, no, no
They're mother Arab, mm-hmm
Britain has like these young
Yeah, yeah, get popular like everyone thinks he's real good, but it's actually bad. Mm-hmm. They have like fucking 200 million
Followers on YouTube. That's the whole bit. Yeah, they're not like they don't seem particularly
Like yeah, they just don't like things.
Yeah, and they say like inshallah wallah. Wallah Habibi? Yeah, but then their regular speech is just like retarded British guy.
The stuff that they shout like wallah, otherwise.
Immersion, living where the language is spoken and using it every day, but if that's not in the cards this year, you can still, it might be.
Hey man, we got nothing but options.
You can still, I want to leave my girlfriend so bad.
Maybe you leave your wife.
I could leave her for like a week.
Yeah, but you can't tell her where you are.
Hey, baby, don't worry.
Just know I'll be happy.
Remember how your body was when we met?
I'm going with someone who still has that body.
She was breastless when we met.
A man.
Yeah, a poor work. She had a rat tail.
Really?
Oh yeah.
Gorgeous.
Gorgeous.
Yeah.
Bernel.
Oh yeah, that movie?
That really sad movie.
That really set the table for me.
Really sad movie.
Yeah, but there was like a feral woman with short hair
with her tits out, talking gibberish.
It's a movie about a retarded girl.
Give me all of that.
She's hot.
I love it when they can't read.
Oh, it's the best.
Me too.
Well, you can still learn the language the second best way,
and that's with Babbel.
One in five Americans have learned a new language
on their bucket list before they kill themselves.
Why are they writing lists on buckets? Yeah, what the fuck is paper?
If that's you make 2024 the year you finally check it off the list with Babel fast forward to the end of 2024 think of your goals
What can you do right now to give yourself the best chance of succeeding if you want to learn a new language?
You absolutely should get Babbel.
Jiswi Sam.
Yeah.
Charlie Hebdo.
Such a good reference.
Charlie Hebdo.
I couldn't remember the name.
That's so funny.
He's Googling Arthur Chu.
Remix.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember the name. Oh yeah, that's so funny.
He's googling Arthur Chew remixes.
I'm trying to add a name of bread to my food tracker.
You add all those clipboards?
I'm trying to make some money right now.
Did you know that learning an actual language makes a sound?
It's true then, listen, and it's the Babel SFX.
We don't have it do we?
Drop them in right here. So in post drop in the SFX. Yo, I'll go my own. We don't have an editor anymore. I don't have any. We got Johnny five back there pressing the buttons. Yeah, I'm the ones
in two. Putting in the sound effects. Yeah, our editor is no more. That's the sound of you learning
a new language with Babel. You want to know one of my favorite sounds? Here it is no more. That's the sound of you learning a new language with Babel.
You want to know one of my favorite sounds?
Here it is.
Insert.
Beep.
Yeah.
Learning language now.
That's the sound that I'm assuming.
I've been brought in.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's what it is.
Get led to learn language.
That's the sound I hear when I'm learning a new language with Babel.
Here's my word of language.
And if you want to learn a new language this Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Chinese. Oh yeah. I'm basically there Jesus. I kind of come in and... You tower over them. You don't have to pay hundreds...
A Chinese that we could all understand. You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars to try it. You know how powerful
China would be if they all spoke the same language. Oh yeah, we'd be toast.
If they were over there just getting along, figuring out new fish head recipes.
Yeah. New bugs you can eat.
I ate a bunch of bugs in Japan and it was awesome.
What'd you eat?
I had a bunch of ants and I had like crickets and then the big payoff was horse aorta.
So you just only had the money for the Airbnb.
Yeah, this was all out of the trash.
Did you have garbage?
Yes.
Did you see any bugs out of the cabinet?
You went there to be a bum?
I did.
You went on vacation to be a hobo?
I did.
Yeah, I had my bendal in my song.
And they just like pat, like proud Japanese just passed you,
like eating out of the garbage?
Yeah.
I was kind of like an athete.
I love those little cafes they had there.
Oh, dude, it's my favorite.
You get like a croissant and like a bubble wrap.
And it's perfect.
Yeah.
A blister-packed croissant. The packaging is lovely. and a like a bubble wrap perfect. Yeah blister pack
Change on a silver platter and then they bag that separately in a plastic bag
Actually designed for working there like you sit down your laptop and you just listen to the nutcracker And you can blast digs. Yeah. Yeah, God. They figured it out. You know the way state in the world
You don't have to waste hundreds of dollars on private tutors.
What if I want to, Adam?
Well, then it's your choice, but you'd
be a real dumbass to do that.
You don't have to waste hours on apps that don't really
help you speak the language.
Babble's quick 10-minute lessons are designed for over 150 languages.
I didn't even know they were that many.
Too many, if you ask me.
Too many should be English. Need a lingua franca We're doing fucking English. I have the Gino's
eatsap
steaks
Attitude to the globe yeah to help you start speaking that that is the one other thing
They all speak English in Paris and they're dickheads to you
Yeah, no, but unless you say poise je vois une croissant
You know how to do it you have have to say, may I have.
And then they're like, all right, fat boy, get in here.
Do you know a little bit?
A little bit, enough to order.
It'd be good for us.
Dude, I would go there.
I would leave.
I'd be like, Sam.
Yeah.
We could hold hands, sit by the sand, drink natural wine.
Listen, we're gay guys from America.
We're trying to learn how to be more gay.
Right, yeah.
And we came to Mecca.
And we went, yeah.
This is the Castro district of Europe.
Yeah. Babel's designed for real people and real conversations. If you're going to learn a language,
all you need is 10 minutes. For sure. Here's the special limited time deal for our listeners. Right
now you get 55% off. That's fucking huge. Your Babel subscription. but only for our listeners at Babel.com
slash tafs get 55% off Babel.com slash tafs spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash
tafs. rules and restrictions. You may apply. Peter Griffin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Number one American football.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah right. Choehuek amovek go go a Israel Palestine.
Do you speak languages? I'm learning Spanish daily.
Oh to get in touch with your culture.
Wow we wanted to move to Spain. What?
We wanted to go to the streets.
Cinco? Yeah.
Wow. Well you are like a I mean, you should know Spanish
as a quarter Mexican.
My grandma literally was like,
I forgot the language on purpose.
I remember in sixth grade being like,
grandma, can I work Spanish with you?
And she's like, the only good part about being Mexican
is you don't get poison ivy.
Low rider.
The Smiths.
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
My grandma.
T-shirts with words that are.
You don't get poison ivy?
Yeah, my grandma didn't get poison ivy. Because I don't live near poison ivy. I don't get poison, I think. Yeah, my grandma didn't get poison.
Because it'll live near poison.
I don't get poison ivy either.
Well, when I hit poison ivy, I don't get the rash,
and also mosquitoes leave me alone.
Oh, really?
Really?
I think my grandma was oozed.
That was my blood.
Is that a thing in Mexico?
That's what my grandma said.
Because it sounds like you just don't have
a histamine reaction.
Yeah, you're not allergic.
Yeah, your mosquito is probably still...
You probably had West Nile like 100 times. Well, yeah, whenever I hold my hand over a stove, I don't feel any. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure thing you're not allergic. You probably had West Nile like a hundred times.
Well yeah, whenever I hold my hand over a stove, I don't feel any. I think it's a Mexican
thing. Yeah, it's Chicano Latine. Right.
You remember Poison Oak? No, what's that? It's similar. It's bad though. Is it a tree
though? It's a tree, yeah. I can avoid a tree. It's the bushes that get me. Well, it's a,
it grows around the tree. Poison Oak. Prove it. Yeah.
Let's go to the woods. What if we did that? I went yesterday.
Yeah, I know.
Or shut up about it, will you?
I know, it was the first time I've been
in the woods in a while.
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel like into the wild.
I feel like that guy who ate a fucking berry and died,
like an idiot.
What a baby.
Like an idiot.
I laughed in the theater.
Ha ha!
Did you, that novel was, or that book was like the,
that was like the on the road for kids of our generation.
It was like, but it was also like
an Oprah's book club kind of vibe too.
Oh for sure.
And now that Reese character who got stabbed.
Who's that?
Reese Witherspoon.
No, with a knife.
She now runs the book situation. If you can get on Reese Witherspoon's book club. He's from Malcolm in the middle
She got stabbed yeah in the movie or in life
Well, I was doing a fun joke about with a knife when you said witherspoon. It's a joke my dad's been doing
You know it's funny. Oh, I was on the John Lennon stuff
I was always under the impression that John Lennon was shot
because he said that the Beatles were ridder than Jesus.
Oh, is that not true?
It is true, but I thought the reasoning was that,
because Chapman was like, oh, you can't say that.
You can't say you're bigger than Jesus.
But his problem was that John Lennon is a phony.
Oh, yeah, because he loved Catcher and the Ride.
Yeah, right. He's not the one that wanted to fuck Jodie Foster. That was the Reagan guy? That phony. Oh, yeah, because he loved Catcher in the Rye. Yeah, right. Yeah
He's not the one that wanted to fuck Jodie Foster. That's the Reagan guy. That's right. Yeah, great punk band from Phoenix Jodie Foster's army
Which John Hinckley Jr. Now plays music. Yeah, he's got a show and he's asked
But he's not like why didn't he parlay that in the success?
Well, he just got out of jail. It seems like a gimme though
There's all these ghouls that want to go and they're invader Zimlides.
I think he's been in Dime Square trying to get p-
I think he's been getting a lot of pussies recently.
Good, yeah.
Live it up.
Dosh is fucking John Hinkley Jr.
Dude, she really just-
Ask him, Bruce!
Someone's got to reign her in.
This keeps happening.
They gotta put that pussy in the zoo. Yeah, put it behind the glass. They gotta put that pussy in the zoo. Yeah, put it behind
the glass. Put the f**k I wanna go to the zoo? Put some white pussy. That's a cry for
help. She is a jersey retired, that's what I'm saying. That's just f**king John Hinckley,
Jr. Yeah, I know. After what he did to the Gipper. Yeah. He didn't even kill him. My
favorite president. One of the easiest guys to shoot, because he didn't know where he was at the time.
Yeah, exactly.
His brain was mush.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know that Nancy had a psychic apparently when he was fully gone, like years like seven
and eight of his presidency, and the psychic was making like state decisions.
Whoa.
Like scheduling state dinners and like summits and stuff.
Yeah.
Well I know the night before the shooting
the Hinckley family had dinner with the Bushes.
They were like connected?
Oh so it's like CIA.
100%.
Wow.
Yeah, cause old Bush one was there
when JFK got blasted.
He killed him.
When his head popped.
He killed him.
Who knows.
He killed him.
They were like, why were you in Dallas that day he's like I don't remember
Yeah, well you imagine if you shot Biden and then they tried to give you like a hundred years in prison
You're like no. Yeah pass. Yeah, I'm not going to prison for this. Yeah, the lawyer's just like come on
Yeah, yeah, I want to try out by jury. Yeah find a jury find a jury that'll
Convict somebody for killing the president. I'd like to see that happen.
Who are you getting as your defense attorney for the Biden ex-president?
Frederick Douglass.
I'm getting Frederick Douglass.
Dream scenario?
He'd be unreal.
He'd be unreal.
He got OJ off.
He did.
He did.
He did. He did forgetJ off. He did.
You people forget about that.
He was a hell of a performer.
Great litigator.
If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
Old Fred.
Yeah, Freddie D.
Old Fred.
Yeah.
Old Fred.
My closing arguments will be in the form of a dog.
Dant.
You know who I'm getting?
I'm getting Nick.
Yeah, Nick would be good.
Did he have to be?
Did he have to be?
You know, it's funny, in my memory,
I always think like Frederick Douglass had his hair
parted like in Barbershop.
But it's not, he just has like rogue from X-Men hair.
He has like the rogue like gray streak.
Well, he wasn't a slave, but he touched one
and he absorbed your memories.
Yeah. He was X-Men? Yeah. Do you remember
Cracked magazine? It was the lesser Mad magazine? Yeah, yeah. I don't remember it as an internet
thing. I don't remember it as a website. No, it was a website too. Yeah, back in the day it was in the
grocery store in Elizabeth, Colorado and they had one that was all the X men, but they were like Transitioned into women and the gag was X men and this was like 1999
That's when you were allowed to do comedy. Yeah, exactly before this crap
Well, the pendulum swung back the other way. That's funny. I feel like do people still say that those most annoying they love saying pendulum
Yeah, I think I love the culture like ten years ago
Yeah, when all this started it you get like older guys be like I'll tell you the pendulum is gonna swing back the other way
I'm like, so what do you think we're gonna have like five years of people being like woke or whatever
Maybe one of the one somebody gets fired for some it goes a little too far once and then they're gonna say alright
Here comes the pendulum. Let's bring slavery back
Women like should be unleashes.
That's your understanding of like a dialectical process
is that people complain and then they do it too much
and then we go right back to the way things work.
Comedians are some of the dumbest people
I've ever met in my life.
Oh my God.
And we're lucky enough to hang out
with some of the better comedians,
but boy howdy.
The open micers,
I'll teach you. I love,ers, I want you to beat you.
I love, I kind of miss DC open mics though.
The first three years are the best times in comedy.
Because you're with school shooters all day long.
And you're also getting rides with them across town.
You're gonna be in their car and your feet
don't touch the ground because of all the Hardee's boxes.
And they're talking about like their new 10.
Right, yeah.
Hardee's is good. Hardee's is, talking about like their new 10. Right, yeah.
The Hardies is good.
I don't like the fries.
What?
Why'd you point that?
I got sick from Hardies in Virginia in your car.
That was from a hard D.
You got H-I-B.
No, you were like whining at the show and you took your shirt off because you were like,
I'm too hot.
I said I wanted to feel different.
I was like poetic. You should have his pants in my car.
I got food poisoning from hardies.
How quick did it hit?
Yes, I did.
Because food poisoning doesn't strike immediately.
It's about 12 hours.
OK.
No, less, maybe eight.
All right.
But we did.
Also, we didn't go to hardies.
We went to Arby's.
We went to hardies.
No, we went to Arby's with Jamel.
We were outside of King's Dominion area,
and there was a guy that came in,
and he was cute.
We were with my ass girlfriend Joyce.
And he got two giant bags of,
so there's a guy that came into Arby's
and got two giant bags of food,
like for like two families.
Like an old man.
And he's talking to the people behind her,
and he's like, yep, yeah, I'm dying, you know what I mean? She been'm dying, you know, I mean she been all right, you know, and they go all right. See y'all tomorrow
He was like the gossip
It was it was hardies. He has a standing reservation at the Arby's
It was Arby's because if it was there would have been Carl's Jr. It was hardies
I hate him so much dude. I like Arby's. Have you seen the Arby's meat when it comes in the bag?
Thanks for dealing with it. It's like a big dappled ass. It's like covered in like fish flakes.
It's in a bag and you can go back there and slap it. Yeah.
I had a buddy named Kevin Schultz who worked at the Arby's in Parker, Colorado.
And we'd go in there and slap those roast beefs. Did he end up trying to kill the president? No, he's working on it.
No, okay. That seems like... He really manifests to one crayons, so it doesn't make it to the paper.
That seems like it.
It would be funny if somebody killed Biden, because it's like you wouldn't be...
I don't think the media would be able to generate outrage or shooting a guy.
It's like a year from death anyway.
They should do it in a cool way though.
The only old person...
Take him to laser tag and shoot him from the tower.
Old person you can kill where people would be like like come on would be like the oldest living person
especially if they're nearing the record age yeah you can be really funny to
shoot somebody like the day before they break the record yeah Jean Clamont or
whatever her name is how old is she she lived in 124 there has to be a Chinese
guy who's like 150 no cuz, because they'll lie about it,
so the record gets taken away from them.
There's a million Chinese guys that were like,
I was born in 1795.
They loved to cheat.
They're such cheaters.
It was funny, when I lived in Chinatown,
you see all these ancient Chinese people,
and you're like, they must have such good health.
They live forever.
But then you find out those Chinese people,
you think are 200 years older, like 57.
Yeah. They're not like, they just age horribly.
Yeah, they're wasp paper skin.
Yeah, and the only medicine they have is like a big mushroom.
Right, yeah, it's floating in a jar somewhere.
Yeah, it's just fucking this big.
Ground rhino horn.
Doctors like it, take this and they're like, what do you mean, like physically just hold
it?
I don't understand what it's like.
Under your shirt.
Yeah, all right. You need skin to skin with the pressure.
Yeah, this will make you bigger and then if you touch a turtle you'll get smaller again.
But if you get small don't touch another turtle.
Whatever you do, hands off the turtles.
Not even a tortoise, don't risk it.
You can jump on them.
Right, yeah.
Mouth pain?
Yeah, well I got these stitches are digging in the bottom of my tongue.
Are you on pills?
No, it runs out.
I mean, I got the surgery two weeks ago, didn't I?
Ah, damn.
He's out of the hospital.
Yeah, and then I had this giant fucking canker sword.
Look at that.
Whoa.
Yeah.
What's the rent on that thing?
I don't know.
Like New York City, dude.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, dude.
There you go. Shun Johnland is pretty cool. I feel bad for City, dude. I'm sorry, dude. You're not cool. She and John Lennon is pretty cool.
I feel bad for him, though.
He deserved it.
He seemed like he was scared when he died.
He's a woman.
Well, he's fucking that woman who's all bones now.
Who?
John Lennon.
Yoko?
Oh, I thought we were talking about John Hinckley.
Oh, John Hinckley.
Oh, no.
He's my ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, come on, dude.
Hey, it's like we love her.
We love her. No, wait. Hey, it's our new lover.
No wait, John Lennon did something really funny where he had the lost weekend and he
moved to LA for a year and he just got a different Japanese girlfriend.
Really?
And he was just on cocaine for a year and a half.
And there's a recording of the only time Lennon McCartney played together after the
Beatles breakup.
And it is, they're on so much coke.
It's them, Harry Nilsson and Stevie Wonder.
And you could hear Lennon going to Stevie's like,
Stevie, you want a toot?
And they're like doing coke.
And the music is unlistensibly bad.
It's so bad.
And that's like a great supergroup.
It should be the best music ever made.
That's how good the cocaine was back there.
It made Stevie Wonder off time.
I mean, well, it's just like,
you can't pay attention to anything
when you're on that garbage, you know?
And so it's like, yeah, it's just like half ideas,
Stevie's on it, like it's just, it's really.
What are Stevie Wonder wonders mannerisms on cocaine
Because he's already such a fidgeter. Yeah, I mean he's like
What is him? What is stevie wonder on Molly look like he's just face down but doing
Just chewing on his dreads
Is he married? He's playing a refrigerator, but he thinks it's a piano
Remember the room is criticizing George Bush for waving at Stevie Wonder?
No, it's a George Bush waves at Stevie Wonder
They're like, are you fucking idiot?
He was a test. A lot of people think he's faking it. Really?
I know because he had like court side seats at a basketball game. Jamie Foxx was faking it in that movie, right?
Yeah, he was a real actor though. He actually gouged his eyes out. Really? I heard that he's on the
down low brother. Oh, who? Jamie Foxx? Yeah. So you couldn't do that as a blind man. Jamie
Foxx is going to hear this. Jamie Foxx is going to get somebody's going to send this
clip to Jamie Foxx and make sure Jamie Foxx sees Adam calling him saying that he's on
the down low and calling him for being blind
That's what it's called in the black community for a guy that's a jazz style blind guy. I love to see Jamie Foxx respond
No, don't Jamie Foxx
I used the video where you saved a guy's life in that car that was burning. You're a tremendous guy
I used to watch the Jamie Foxx show
I used to watch your show and it was a-
That was Everybody Hates Chris, you're confusing that.
No, the Jamie Foxx show, the girl's name was Fancy.
And Jamie, you should know-
Jamie, I'm a big fan.
Me and Jamie Foxx have the same birthday.
Wow.
Me and Sagaul have the same birthday.
That's awesome.
That's all fucking cares about you, dude.
Nobody cares.
We're talking about you disparaging Jamie Foxx.
No, Jamie Foxx, I'm...
You call them a rabid homosexual.
I heard Barack Obama was too.
I mean, a lot of people are.
You want to cut stuff out because there's not, like, there's gossip that you've been going around telling everybody.
I just told you.
I said, you're my best friend.
He's told it.
Why'd you tell him?
He blew it.
Because I want a bond.
I want to have something that we have together.
I don't want Alex.
I don't want to be mad about it.
I want to feel, no, no, shut up.
I want to feel like.
I don't want to ruin my dear friends with Alex.
The first couple months of us.
Don't give me the hands.
The first couple months of us is just fucking
and like just romance and kissing and stuff
and then it gets old.
I know.
And then he just makes you feel ugly.
And he just, no. No, then he just makes you feel ugly.
And he just, oh my god.
There's no reason to protect that piece of gossip.
I'm getting gaslit left and right.
I'm sorry, you don't get to like date a celebrity secretly
and not have.
You're dating Alex Edelman?
I'm not dating.
I don't want to talk about it. That's Stop. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.
That's huge.
I don't want to talk about it.
You guys can't dock there because you're both circumcised.
There's enough anti-Semitism in the world that he's the only voice standing up to it.
Have you guys thought about getting just a giggling fat guy on this show?
Yeah, I would be still.
I think it helps.
It's such a good idea.
We're trying to get Halel Fould from Twitter.
That should be the ideal third might.
You guys should get Nick Avocado.
He's on here just muck banging.
Yeah, I would love that.
Having a fat guy that laughs on the show is a great idea, Nick.
It would really bring a lot of spice back to us.
And then we'd have time to think about us.
He's not even that fat.
He's pretty fat.
He's the guy that, he's like the Zionism Twitter account guy.
Yeah.
He's pretty good.
But he's like one of these people, like this is a job that only Israelis and Indians have,
which is tech speaker.
What the fuck does that mean? And they have a career that
he just goes around. It's usually an Indian guy. If you have any kind of podcast, you'll
get an email for that guy, Neil Patel. I have no idea who he is. Who is he? I don't know.
It's like these Indian guys, you get an email. It's like, please have him on. He's been in the Wall Street.
They've been in every publication ever.
And they do like TEDx talks,
they're like, imagine if computer was everything.
So this is like, you have copper, but not computer.
It is NDF.
You know if you are very near future,
there will be a copper, but it is also,
buh-buh-buh-buh, that will be $50,000, please. And they're like, no, we're not giving you that money. It's like, what about $100, or you just put on Instagram
that I was here?
How about they get to keep the cup?
I mean, it's essentially with Dan Nye, he just added
comedian.
He's probably the same guy.
Yeah.
And he'll be the guy that's probably Dan Nye.
He's probably a pseudonym.
I hosted for that guy one time, and he wouldn't let me in the
green room.
Why?
Because his room is his.
And he's probably the guy that's probably Dan Knight. He's probably a pseudonym. I hosted for that guy one time and he wouldn't let me in the
green room. Why?
Because his room.
The man is a fucking institution.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember when Brandon was young, the headliner told him not to eat his chips when he was
like a 17-year-old hosting at the improv and he was like shook.
He got so, it was such a mean thing to say to a kid.
Yeah, he was also hungry.
His mom didn't pack him a lunch.
He was also, yeah, he lived in a box car.
Yeah, okay, so how does Neil Patel make money?
SEO is the number one reason that Neil Patel
is net worth is over 30 million dollars.
Oh my God.
He launched a ton of successful online ventures like Crazy Egg, Hello Bar, and Kiss Metrics.
Kiss Metrics?
Readers your fandom of the band Kiss.
No, I think it's Indian guys trying to kiss baby girls and after kissing.
Please, please do put his pussy. This is the other guy that's like partially owned stand-up New York
He's like and then he would be in like CNC NBC
Articles no James like James owl owl toucher owl toucher. Yeah, I'll touch her
Yeah, this guy this guy. He's Adam basically
Yeah, this guy. This guy. He's Adam basically. What are you talking about?
He's another like article guy.
What are you talking about?
He's another guy who's an American author and podcast.
I've been blessed with useful looks.
You have great hair too.
Come on.
That ice cream cone man is you.
Yeah.
That's what you look like.
That is kind of me.
And then he's gonna pull up a picture of Snorlax and be like,
and this is Sam.
I'm done at like... There was a period where he owned Stand Up New York.
Wait, that is me actually.
Yeah.
He owned part of Stand Up New York, but I remember because he would just be, there would be articles
just written by him.
And they're always like, the time I lost $80 million, but then made it back the next day.
And it's like, I don't know who the market is for that.
Cause it's all like financial like stuff.
And I would imagine that people that mostly consume financial
news or like business people.
But then they also have this whole other market of just
rubes, I guess.
People like, right, exactly.
Then it doesn't sell anything.
It's just, yeah.
It's funny all this stuff goes on and then like yeah
There's comedy too. Oh good, but it's like a type of guy. It's like internet marketer self-promoter
Yeah, yeah, he's like a PT Barnum for the digital aid. Yeah, that car salesman like influencer guy
Who said that like anyone who works for me has to have a six pack
He's like looks like a marina. I love that guy. Yeah, he yells at people. Andy something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That guy's my favorite.
He's like, you want to know why you're not selling cars?
Because you're a fucking pussy.
He yells at people.
Fucking bitch.
He does like sales conferences and yells at people.
And then it'll be like, they're gonna be just upset,
and it's just a car dealership.
Yeah, the Marmie style yelling.
Yeah, right.
And then, but then he's not like a veteran.
But there's that video that went viral of him being like,
when I enter a room my
wife knows I'm a predator that I'm like you know she lives in fear when I come up yeah no she
hides behind the couch when I enter the home yeah yeah Andy Karr salesman I don't know what is his
name if you work for me you need to have a six pack what does he say? Andy Elliott. Six Packer you're fired. Andy Elliott. Six Packer you're fired.
Andy Elliott. No, this is someone reacting. We live in a world where there's reaction videos.
Look at his picture again.
If you don't sell that Honda, you're a game Quick getting civilized and you guys quit settling. Quick getting civilized. The shroom that said, I would sue my company
if they told me I had a six pack.
We know you wouldn't.
That conversation was for the one person.
That wasn't from you.
The bikers.
He's amazing.
He's going to see that clip and he's
going to show up over there with a sawed off shotgun.
I'm going to fucking beat his ass if he comes here.
That'd be awesome. He's so bad for his brand. Yeah, I'm gonna lick his six back after he's lying dead on the floor
Run your tongue over the ridges. I'm gonna drop the pair. Adam got in trouble for saying the F slur recently
No, I didn't. Yeah, he did so he's he's been
Well, I didn't get in trouble for saying the F slur. He's gay
Till I cover up because he's been in trouble for it.
I am doing that.
Yeah? It's a smoke screen?
I'm making a joke where I'm gay, but in reality I'm just gay.
Alright, that's good.
Yeah, where it's like I'm going there, but I'm really...
You live there?
Yeah, you have a house there.
It's disrespectful to not give them your best.
But I don't know how many of you have had someone believe in you so much they took money out of their own pocket
to make sure that you become a better person.
Pretty fucking cool, isn't it?
Yeah, definitely.
Okay, so number one, I want everybody
to clear their fucking mind right now,
clear their ego, clear any distractions
you have going on in your head,
clear what the fuck you're thinking about out
because it doesn't matter.
This next hour, everything that I will tell you will be the blueprint for you to become and create the life
that you want. Yeah, I mean, his whole thing is like, what if John Cena wrote Glengarry Glen Ross?
That's what this guy is. It is kind of like a... It's very much like the Rogan effect on like
the word... It's like a David Goggins. It's like, yeah, you have to be told that you're a pussy. Yeah, you'd be broken so I can fix you
Yeah, it's like or the Tate effect almost yeah, Jeff Tate Jeff
The Jeff Tate effect. What happened to Jeff Tate? Yeah, he couldn't afford new gloves
So we had to quit to Rick. Is that true? No. He wore the fingerless gloves.
Oh did he? Yeah, Polk used to call him Big Gay O'Carson. I didn't know he wore fingerless
gloves. Yeah, he didn't when I knew him. Yeah, since we're talking about Cincinnati
Jeff Tate. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah, funny guy. He was like one of those guys that was like
a guy that could stay where he's at and also be a headline. Yeah, everyone respected him
enough to give him work. Yeah, yeah, he did a good job. That was like a rare thing when I was, I'm talking like 2008, 2009, you know, he's
one of those guys that come by.
He was like the pride of Cincinnati.
Yeah.
Like whenever anyone went to Cincinnati or Kentucky, it was, Tate would be on the show.
Yeah, but I think he was fingerless.
I do not remember him being, I do remember, one time it was very funny, and I said we wouldn't
say his name on the show anymore, but Jeff Tate came through Austin
He was on on stage and Seth Cockfield was just shitting all over him to Mike McCrae. Yeah, he's like
What's the deal with this guy this guy stinks, you know, P. U. Yeah
It's that's just mock is you know such just talk shit about anyone's not within your shot
That's whoever will listen. Yeah, and so he's doing doing that and Mike's like, ah, yeah
You know, because Mike's a nice guy. He's like not even I guess saying anything
And then yeah, I guess fucking Jeff gets off stage and goes up the mic. He's like dude, you know, they're old friends
That's why I quit talking shit backstage because everybody's pals friends and stuff. Is it crumbled? Yeah, yeah.
That's why I quit talking shit backstage, because everybody's pals.
No one cares that I would bury them all.
No, I kill it.
I thought it was because you got fat.
What's that?
I thought it was because you got fat.
No, I started fat.
Oh.
I'm actually, I've lost 30 pounds, which is truly an indictment.
Yeah.
You guys have long, you guys heard this chair?
You guys have long, blonde hair.
I did.
You had a California look.
I did.
Yeah, I used to show up with a surf board.
Kind of a surf style.
And say, school's out.
School's out for summer.
Yeah.
Those were good gigs.
I worked a lot in Hawaii and Guam.
Yeah, yeah.
You had a stage name?
Yeah, yeah.
What was it?
That boy talking run-go tellem.
That boy talking run-go tellem.
Yeah, that's kind of a surf style name.
Yeah, it was kind of a surf style name.
It's kind of a Mahalo style.
Hey, Green Bottle Beer Bro.
Yeah, yeah, Locos only.
Stuff to hump the stool on the board.
Oh my god.
Has the comedian ever married the stool?
Uh.
They just fucking...
Like how your eyes lit up.
Look at Nick's face.
I'm gonna start my mouth.
You're getting swallowing blood.
He looks like Tony.
I'm just in pain.
Sometimes Nick looks at me like the scene of Sopranos where AJ's laughing at AOL instant
messenger and Tony's in the hallway and he's just staring at his son.
Sometimes I catch Nicky for fun.
Well, it's because there'll be a problem to solve around here.
Something will be broken and then I'll have to fix it.
I'll be working on it for like two hours and then he'll come in and it'll just be like, can't you just do like, what's it like, they call it like a proxy?
And he'll just say a word.
Yeah.
What if we rigged it?
Yeah, I'll say that.
What if we got a solid state proxy?
Yeah.
Kind of maybe on a VPN.
SST, Black Flag.
It's funny, yeah, we lost our editor and he was like, I hope you find him.
Yeah, come on.
I know. And so now we're, we're once again scrambling to get that make the show barely function
And then I'm calls me last week. He's like and if it don't comes to it if it has to fuck it
I'll learn see what happened last time. I'll learn how to edit
I didn't say that as if it's this major sacrifice. No, I did he's such a piece of shit
This guy's just like he's got a black heart. Yeah
Literally, I said that a year ago
I said all I'll just like I was like do you have an extra product key for the editing software?
I chuckled because I know he won't do it and then he went on the podcast and he's like
You will never be able to you don't have that skill set
You will never be able to do it and then and then because because you won't do not that on the phone last week on the phone last week
You're like
The fact that um the fact that you treat that as such a sacrifice that you made I was like you belittled me in public
For its expressing interest in that. Yeah
You belittled me in public for expressing interest in that. Yeah.
And it hurt my feelings.
Sure, they're on the desk.
No, he didn't.
If you had any interviews, please do.
No, he didn't.
He laughed in my face.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
The grand madame.
Have you learned?
He was in a kimono.
Then in the last minute.
He had a fucking olive green face mask on.
His hair was in curlers.
Right.
Have you learned DaVinci Resolve?
You are just the lady from Sunset Boulevard.
You are just, I'm ready for my close up Mr. DeMille.
That is this gentleman over here.
He's a mean woman.
That's not bad.
You can't remember his name.
You can't remember his name.
You're a Desmond.
He's the easiest reference of all time. Oh, the easiest.mond. The easiest reference of all time.
Oh, the easiest.
Oh, the easiest reference of all time.
You're like the lady from the movie with this guy over here.
Yeah, the most famous movie character of all time.
More famous than James Bond.
The mill.
No.
You're like the woman who wants to kill
all the freaking puppies in the 101 dogs.
Crumpet D'Amilo.
Yeah.
The dog 101 dogs.
Oh god.
No.
No.
No.
I didn't fucking.
They're on my side.
I didn't say that.
They're on my side.
They're on my side.
But we're all going to say we're on Nick's side on this.
So harass me online.
Tell me that Nick's right.
But we all know that we got a team, Adam,
hashtag team, Matt.
You brought this up, you're telling him.
You brought it up!
No, you're trying to pull this.
You brought it up.
They're like, you're like, he's like,
this guy won't seem to be in such contempt.
For no reason.
I'm like, well, there is a reason.
No, no.
Because there's a problem that he created.
I didn't create the problems that are created.
They more create and then he tells me
that it's everyone else's fault.
Let me help.
Everything being disorganized this morning.
I was gone.
I wasn't even here.
I wasn't even here.
How's that my problem?
How did I create that problem?
I had to make it something on last Friday.
It was a very cool thing.
That was on Friday?
Yeah. That was Monday though. So cool. Come on. You saw the picture. last Friday was cool very cool thing that was on Friday yeah that's a
Monday though so cool come up you saw the picture I did yeah I did yeah anyway
guys I'm still really I don't need blue chew after that photo you got a hard one
right now I stopped for that did you yeah Easter egg you stuffed I said as a
joke just in case no I said as a joke to my friend hunter I'm gonna do an
interview stuff yeah like you gotta do yeah
Hey, man, whatever your process is I'm all for it
Who'd be funny if you got canceled for that for wearing a prosthetic
I didn't go to court and show them the real one
It was a joke I didn't stuff I didn't stuff to TMZ. It was a joke. I didn't stuff. I didn't stuff. I was joking just now.
I wasn't trying to sexual harass.
I was doing comedy.
There was no sexual harassment.
That woman that I booked on my show and my position of power.
First girl.
Anyway, guys.
Do you play video games?
I've been playing Spider-Man 2.
I beat it.
I got back into Battlefield 1.
And the servers are still up. that game is fucking, it's so
good.
Is it the Star Wars one?
No, Battlefield is World War One.
Okay.
Dude, Miles is so stressed out he can't do his essay for hip-hop college.
I know.
He was totally stressed.
He told me what the story is in his game and it is so depressing.
They're like, yeah, I'm going to DeVry to get my certification in the fucking network.
I want to become a welder.
Yeah, very good.
You know, that's my way out.
That's my way out.
University.
Yeah, I'm trying to learn the macro media slash software, sweet.
His girlfriend is a deaf girl who tags.
Yeah, she does.
And then there's a mission where you have to save a dying homeless guy's pigeon.
That's a beautiful mission.
I thought that was more... You come back and he's dead on the stretcher.
I got kind of choked up.
Really?
Yeah, I was sad.
Well, you wanted her to get choked up on your stuff, right?
The death tagger?
Absolutely.
If she was real, that's mine.
I started playing The Last of Us 2, which I never played.
Oh, that's a good game.
Oh, it's cool.
Because it's Austin.
And it looks like Austin.
Wow. The beginning, the very beginning part. You it's Austin. Yeah. And it looks like Austin.
Wow.
The beginning, the very beginning part.
Right.
You're like, oh wow, I feel like I'm on my way to San Marcus.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm going to Bastra.
Yeah, everything I've always wanted to do.
Do you do Rogan in the game?
What was pre-Rogan?
This game came out 10 years ago.
Before Rogan took part.
So it's back when comedy was still controlled by the real comics, aka guys that have had
the same 10 minutes for a decade.
I hear that those guys have real territorial, the guys that were there before the LA rush,
feel like, look, I don't know anything about it.
We're the real events.
I don't know anything about the new Austin comedy scene.
It seems like it is now either the Rogan guys that that everybody thinks are fascists making everyone flinch on the streets
Right or the comedians that were spoiled by exposure to comedy central a decade ago that are angry
We're juicing their tapes at kick-putt coffee, but either way the real problem is
Democrat in the street. What's that? I don't know. I'm trying to weigh in. Oh, yeah
I'm pretty removed. There's a Sonic in my town. I spend a lot of time there.
Do you have like a local rival in your small town?
You're like, I hate that guy.
No. I'm the guy who walks around town and I'm just waving to everyone.
Are you popular?
I don't think I'm reviled. I think there's a general like, hey, there's that guy that
just moved here.
Do you have like a aspiration for like taking down City Hall?
Oh no. I don't care about the local politics. I just want Sonic to keep the hot dogs a dollar all day. Really? That's my cross
Yeah, yeah, I didn't really do anything when we did the special in Denver. Yeah, so hot. Yeah, that was like I
Was burning it was very good. It was crazy how hot it was. It looked really pretty, too. Oh, this special
Yeah, oh, I, I'm talking about the
heat. No, I know you weren't complimenting yourself. I know you. Sorry, this is not a
Los Angeles comedy podcast. Bro, when I put when that came out, you have to you have to
stand fire. It was the face of the sun. Yeah. Oh, he's a new York guys, an LA podcast. New
York guy. Yeah. He's He's sweatpants at $800.
My accent, a lot of people, they can't figure out what it is.
It's actually specific to the comedy store.
Yeah.
It's a belly room accent.
It's a belly room accent.
Everyone talks like this.
It's sorta like the Bronx meets death.
Mutation a little bit.
Little stink of Haitian in there.
A stinky Haitian guy is sort of what I'm coming from.
Am I Dominican? I don't know, but I'm selling dickies.
Yeah, it's funny because that is the real pendulum.
Because I was just talking with somebody the other day, and I was like, we started at
the same time, right? mid-2005.
2005, yeah. 2005, yeah. And like when I got into comedy,
that's like when quote unquote,
alt comedy was huge.
And all the comedians starting out were like,
there was this guy criticism you hear
from like the comedy snobs in the scene
where somebody would show up to do an open mic
and it'd be their first time, they'd do bad.
And then the comics would be like,
hmm, shit on him.
And then be like, yeah, this guy's probably, he's like the funny guy around the office and he thinks
he can do comedy and it's like yeah that's the that should be the prerequisite for doing
comedy. Right yeah it should be somebody that's fun to be around that people like at their
awful job. Yeah exactly. Not a fucking not a not a nerd snob that prefers engineers. That has never said one funny thing. Back when dudes were wearing a hoodie with a suit coat over it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Purple, American Apparel.
And if it weren't for that, that eventually, I mean, I guess it kind of has overlapped
with the Chris Hardwick world of like just explicitly nerd comedy, which was mostly a
smoke screen for raping women.
Right, yeah.
For unrepetent sex crime.
There's nothing nerdier than a sex crime.
Oh, yeah.
Right, exactly. That guy's a total dwee. There's a giant d than a sex crime. Oh yeah, right exactly.
That guy's a total dwee.
There's a giant dorkus over there.
There's a giant alley behind it
wherever at midnight was filmed.
It stands for lack of consent.
What a square.
And the reaction to that is like the LA sneaker guy comedy.
It's like now comedy's gotta be a,
MMA stuff?
Yeah, a 47 year old guy taking karate.
Cauliflower year.
It was never cool.
When I started it was the furthest thing from cool.
You should be like the best setup for comedian culture is like Kirk Van Houten.
Yeah, exactly.
As like a middle class guy.
He wants to borrow a feeling.
Right, yeah.
At first at a bar maybe kind of annoying that he's talking to you but you're like, oh this guy's kind of funny. Right, yeah. At first at a bar, maybe kind of annoying that he's
talking to you, but you're like, oh, this guy's fine. I don't mind him. Yeah.
Funny guy around the office, that's all I want. Yeah, it shouldn't have been Alphas.
Yeah, shouldn't have been Alphas and it shouldn't have been extremely bitter,
fascist nerds that just want to rape girls. Yeah, I think that was also probably bad. UCB. What's
UCB up to now? This over?
I think that they still have like that show that shows back.
What was the big the big stand up show that they did crash?
What was it called?
We're like, or a crash laser awesome. Yeah.
Like cat bacon, super fuck. She burger, awesome. Yeah. Like Cat Bacon. Super fuck awesome.
Shee Burger. Shee Burger. Yeah. Some crap.
That's a fun era to go back and look at. It was like 2009 through 2012.
Every show. I was making my bones. There was a fake show because somebody had a
stand up show just called Dog Shit. That's funny it. Every show was Holy Fuck for a while.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah, it's Holy Fuck became what?
Sleepaway Camp?
I think so.
Is that the extension?
Yeah.
But yeah, very much that branding of like what now just
looks like shirts from Target.
Exactly.
Then now the like, it's a two for one
dispensers for your show title.
Are you guys ready to have a super awesome, fucking super good time?
Are we doing this?
Super, say that.
We're doing it, are we doing it?
Oh my God.
You remember, are we doing this?
Oh my God, yeah.
Ooh, we're doing it.
We're all splitting this check.
I remember, yeah, you would go to-
Said no one ever.
I'd go open Mike's in Los Angeles and like,
and not get on either too you know in like 2011 and
Yeah, you watch comic after comic and half of it is just like so I did a thing
It's just fucking like it's that singing thing. Did you get a different fucking yeti?
I had this one before you got the black one
Yeti checkin. Well, I bought him a yeti as a gift and he's lost it twice. It's
You yeti checking well. I bought him a yeti as a gift and he's lost it twice It's at my house, and I have two
Humble brag that's one of the special colors to the black yeti no that one the green yeah
Campfire green yeah when I went to all mix it up with a cook I went to Austin
They were like you got campfire green yeah brother sure
I have a propane church or smooth. That's a cool. It's a little too cool color is chartreuse. Isfire green? Yeah. Brother? Chartreuse is a propane drink?
Chartreuse, that's a cool one.
It's a little too cool.
The color is Chartreuse.
Is it green?
Yeah, it's like Serge.
I thought it was red my whole life.
I thought it was like a wine red.
It does.
It seems like it, because of the name, it seems like it would be like an old kind of sort
of, you know, like a drape color.
No, it's a very fun color.
Yeah.
Chartreuse.
It's also a drink. Girl, I love
short juice. You got any short juice? You got anything in this short juice color? It would be fun to
go back to those shows though and like be kind of good and not when I would do those shows in LA,
I would be so concerned with doing well to impress all the LA comics who could never do a half hour in Wyoming.
You know, I would be coming in renegade wearing overalls smelling terrible and
like trying to do jokes that work for oil miners and like Brookings.
I would sit there and get blackout drunk.
I'd be like who's this guy?
I'd be pasting like an animal in the alleyway and then people would be like
what's up I open for you in Chicago? I'd be pacing like an animal in the alleyway and then people would be like, what's up?
I opened for you in Chicago and I'd be like,
leave me alone.
Yeah, it was bad time.
I had such a jock chip on my shoulder.
Yeah?
About why, because it was all nervous.
Well yeah, and I'd be like,
you guys could never do the shows that I've done.
It's bad to be a nerd.
Well it was for me when I came in.
But you're not a jock.
Me?
Yeah, no.
But I'm alpha.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No.
I'm just a bad person.
No, I'm a bad person.
You're literally your principal.
Your notion of human character is so warped.
And you're one of the finest people I've ever met.
I'm okay.
You're a man with a code. I think you're one of the few people with integrity in this. I'm okay. You're a man with a code. I'm okay.
I think you're one of the few people with integrity in this business.
Yeah.
He really is.
I don't even know, but it's easy to have integrity.
That's what makes it tough.
It's easy to have integrity when your principles are like not moral ones to begin with.
You know what I mean?
It's like everybody for themselves.
When you're Machiavelli.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Well, how could I not have a tag?
There's no principles that really
have to be challenged.
If one of my principles was
eat less than a sleeve of Oreos,
I probably wouldn't have
a tag with you. I have principles.
Do you? Yeah. Like what?
He has Vice Principles on DVDs.
He's a big fan.
Can you ever do this one? Who's gay? Then your hands up already?
Do this one.
Oh, kiss your own hand? Yeah.
I'd walk up to girls at Open Magazine and be like, I'm courting you and then kiss my
own hand. Yeah, yeah.
That's rape to me. Yeah.
Back. That's rape to me.
Yeah.
I don't feel good. I got an ick.
Yeah. What is what they say now. I got an ick. Yeah.
What is what they say?
They're into ick now.
Yeah.
Like when I suddenly lost him, I decided to cheat on my spouse.
Yeah.
Because I just decided that they're suddenly unattractive to me.
Because he gave me a current ick.
You know what? I have my own ick.
It's actually an urge to commit domestic violence.
So I turned that into a meme.
Oh, I got, oops, I got an Ick.
Oops, I caved your fucking orbital bone in
because I had an Ick.
Why don't we turn that into a fun meme?
Because what, I got a fucking bloody nose.
Something completely out of my control.
And you got some meme.
You have some meme happening to your person.
How about that? They used to be into the dick, now they're into the Ick. You have some mean to happen to your person.
How about that?
They used to be into the dick.
Now they're into the ick.
I would love to be a wheelchair-bound domestic abuser.
I'm not your husband.
She can't quit you.
There was a guy named Stephen Ha Ha Hunt who was an Albuquerque.
And he was a wheelchair domestic abuser.
Hell yeah.
His wife was in a wheelchair and he just like dumped her down the stairs.
Oh no, I meant I'm in the wheelchair.
Oh, you're bound.
I'm in the wheelchair.
I'm in the wheelchair.
How about a movie, like you know,
Homeward Bound, a movie called Wheelchair Bound.
It's about a handy guy that can talk.
Yeah, he's trying to get to the mall.
He's trying to get his,
but his family left him.
He's on the shoulder of a highway.
Yeah, because he can't quit saying the N word at Ruby Tuesdays. It's nothing to do with the chair. But he saw hell in
Da Nang. Yeah, exactly. That was sad how we just those guys just had to go wheeling around
after that crap. After Vietnam? Yeah, they just wheeled around. Is the VA good or bad?
I think it helps with a lot.
It doesn't offer enough mental health shit.
If you have your foot blown off,
it'll give you a cool stump protector.
Yeah, like a techie would.
I've never been able to gauge whether the VA is a good thing or a bad thing.
You know what pisses me off is the people who are like,
we gotta save the troops, we love the troops,
and we gotta donate to this charity
because America's not taking care of them.
It's like, well, if we cared about the troops,
wouldn't the government step up?
We shouldn't have to do like a fucking weenie roast
in a parking lot to get $600 together
to cover up a guy's face scar.
Yeah, I think that they should get healthcare
the rest of their lives, but I don't think that they
do a good job.
They should get a pussy appointment every two months.
But the VA only does sex changes now yeah I feel like you should get rid
of VA but they get to keep their weapons yeah yeah they have to have a bandolero
in their chair a fucking Apache helicopter if I had my skin burned off and
had to pay for my own grass but you I got to keep my fucking sub and that'd be
awesome I think they would all take that trade off But I got to keep my fucking sub and it'll be awesome.
I think they would all take that trade off.
Mr. Private Mullen, why couldn't you make it to your appointment?
Private and I have my own nuclear sub.
It was a sub parking.
Military.
I don't understand why he has access to those type of codes.
Damn, should I watch the hunt for red October?
I watched it recently.
Mad good.
Yeah.
You know what's actually very boring that I remember being better at?
Crimson Tide?
Doss Boot.
Oh, Doss Boot.
Remember Hamburger Hill?
No.
That's a good Vietnam movie.
Oh, okay.
Well, we were doing Submarine movie.
I'm doing Submarine Sandwiches after this.
Okay.
All right.
You know it's a very good movie.
You know what I would invest in?
Periscope Down.
You know what I would invest in? Periscope down. You know what I would invest in?
Hot investment tip based on nothing but a feeling.
And it's on the Toronto exchange, not New York, but the...
How do you get on that one?
That's the same thing.
If you have a brokerage account, I think you can buy Canadian stocks.
Okay.
It's a company that owns Blimpy.
I feel like Blimpy's due for a comeback.
Blimpy's on the rise?
I think it is.
That's your penny stock option.
I think Gen Z's going to find out
that it's not just the pedophile saying which company.
Because now the people that SubwayJerard
fucked are coming of age.
So there's no need.
And they're going to need subs.
Well, again, it's just going to be more of a pushback in Subway.
Everyone thought the fallout was when SubwayJerard got
arrested, but that was all just the fat pieces of shit that were probably
molesting kids that begin with themselves. That was probably his client base.
But now his victims are of age and they want cheap sandwiches.
They're gonna need sandwiches.
And I guarantee you, Gen Z, TikTok, in six months they're gonna say,
what the fuck is blimpy? There was another competitor. another competitor it's also yellow somehow yeah it's basically the same
restaurant yeah but a lot more shredded lettuce that's all I remember is the
shredded lettuce and they soaked it in oil and vinegar it was good yeah yeah
sandwich because quiz nose isn't really it quiz nose was always kind of more
Colorado company quiz nose was more in competition and this is gonna sound
wild but with Panera than Subway.
Because of the toasting. Yeah. Yeah, if you want a hot sandwich, you want to quiznos.
If you wanted a wet, cold, foot-long Subway blimpy. Yeah. I'll tell you my favorite one. Hit me.
Diary Audi. Eating a child's diarrhea. Of course, Vegas. Because that was your favorite.
Is it ringing out a diaper into your open mouth? Oh my God. The atom is the most type of pedophile.
Holocaust AIDS diaper.
Man arrested for stealing children's diarrhea.
The diaper scooper strikes again.
Prolapse in the Holocaust diarrhea.
This is not even technically illegal.
Yeah, yeah.
He's just been eating children's feces and jacking off to it.
Yeah, he's like collecting trash without a license.
He has to pay a fine.
The Atlantic's like, this man has sexually abused thousands of children.
Why would the Atlantic write about it?
Why isn't he in jail?
Slow day.
Slow day.
Yeah, it turns out, the slow days, the day where they have the mentally disabled man
write all the articles.
That's right.
It's every Friday at the Atlantic.
And he's on to me.
He's on to me.
He's on to my on my poop he connects with
you you'll never get me scooter all geez a funny one all you know yesterday was Ann Versa Day Learn Heart. Wow.
Twenty-three years.
That's what you were trying to say in Chinese earlier.
Really?
Wow.
I got it, yeah.
I think about it sometimes.
Yeah.
Because you know what's weird?
I always considered Day Learn Heart to be the South's 9-11, but I forgot that Day Learn
Heart happened before 9-11.
So in a lot of ways 9-11 was revenge for Dale Earnhardt.
That's when the South Burroughs again.
Well, I was like everybody's making 20 towers.
Everyone was making fun of people for crying over Dale Earnhardt dying.
And then it's like, oh yeah, well here we go, you're fucking a building.
Yeah, you Yankees, yeah, you do, right?
Yeah, Muhammad Otto was a good old boy.
Yeah, he loved number three.
He loved the Intimidator.
Yeah.
What was his name?
The Intimidator.
I think, yeah.
Sure.
Was that it?
I can't claim to be an expert on NASCAR trivia.
I don't know anything about NASCAR.
Number three.
Number three.
Mhmm.
Mhmm.
Faber's.
Hale Dale.
Hale Dale. Mhmm. All Hale Dale. Hale Dale.
Mm-hmm.
All right, Dale.
We miss you.
Dale, we're thinking about you every day.
All right.
Let's watch this thing.
Okay.
I think I'm going to go home.
No, Nick, come on.
Just watch it.
Check it out.
I got Snoopy on here.
Snoopy?
It's cool.
We think it's cool.
Ooh.
And so, like, to finish-
Did he wake up when you were awake?
Yeah.
He seems to always be doing the stuff that I need to be doing.
Like he's roller skating right now.
No, but I mean it'll be working.
He's on a climbing wall.
Yeah.
He's having dinner with a woman.
I think a nice thing that Sam's idea to finish off the show is you've made a lot of disparaging
remarks about my character in this episode.
I think just an apology or like-
It was my idea.
You just text me that.
Oh yeah, you text me, you said, let's close it off
with Nick saying that I was just kidding.
Imagine that this is all sort of.
You will be able to, everything will be text message. Can you imagine what you
will be a drive car and instead of be, be, be, say hello, hello, you've got mail. Can
you believe what that is to do that?
Well here's your check, Mr. Patel.
I'm Neil Patel and may I have $50 please to get back to the hotel.
May I please do a hot podcast? And it's never from them, it's like,
Mr. Patel is one of the most successful.
The Wall Street Journal.
Yeah, he's been in the Wall.
He's been in Forbes.
Yeah, everyone has.
Everyone has.
Well, it's because there's people that freelance
for all of those publications,
and then there's a website you can go to
if you're a loser, to be like,
you can write an article about me,
here's most of the information.
The reporter takes it, they just put like, today I spoke to blah, blah, blah, blah,
then they sent it to Wall Street Journal, they get a hundred bucks.
And then it's like, you know.
You can do that?
That was a whole time.
Oh yeah, I'm all right.
You can easily do it.
Yeah, 10 years ago.
PR's of a Stigial Tail, falling off slowly.
Thanks for watching everyone.
We'll be back next week.
Go see Nick this weekend.
Please call him out.
Last but not least, I got to sell these tickets.
Oh God.
I was worried about it.
Columbus ended up being, everybody was nice.
And Mugubis this weekend.
Mugubis come to fucking governors,
come to Desert Ridge, Improb.
You guys done that, Romeo?
Governors, fuck, I'm gonna fall.
Governors, we had the best night ever.
Yeah, really?
Only because the owner is...
The owner is amazing.
The shows themselves, the coolest guy ever.
Yeah, the guy owns that club. It's awesome.
He is.
Have you met him?
No.
Oh my god.
He's incredible.
Yeah.
I'm stoked.
Yeah, no, he's awesome.
All right, thanks a lot guys.
For over 55 years, Green Park Group
has consistently built communities
people proudly call home.
Introducing Thompson Towers, Green Park's newest condo.
In Milton, with suites starting from the low 600s,
residents will enjoy a full range
of unique modern amenities, a rooftop pool,
stylish lounges, and state-of-the-art
recreational facilities,
inspiring the people who bring communities to life Green Park is the people's filter visit
Green Park comm for condos now selling across the GTA as someone who helps
people get out of debt the most common thing I hear is he land I wish I had
reached out sooner and when I asked why they waited, people tell me, I was scared. My name is Ilan Kibble,
a licensed Insulmancy Trusty at BDO here in the GTA and we can make it easier for you
to talk about your debt. Explore all your debt relief options for free. Call 1833 BDO
Talk or visit BDOdebt.ca to learn more.