The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 629 - Seaman Daniel Collins
Episode Date: April 16, 2024Comedians Gareth Reynolds and Dave Anthony examine Seaman Daniel Collins and his journey on The Betsey. Tour Dates Redbubble Merch Sources FirstLeaf Factor Meals - Code DOLLOP50 Helix Sleep - C...ode: HELIXPARTNER20 Hydrow - Code Dollop
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And we are also brought to you by Airbnb.
Now look, there's actually a couple times a year when a big group of my oldest friends
and I, and they are old, get together and we will rent an Airbnb and stay in it for
a few days over like a holiday weekend or something like that.
It just always makes the experience a lot better because, you know, we're in a home.
But on the road, if I ever have the choice between a hotel or an Airbnb I always go Airbnb
just because it's better.
I like a home over a hotel.
But recently I did start thinking well while I'm gone can I turn my place into an Airbnb?
And the answer is yes.
It can be as easy as putting your place up and then having a little more scratch generated
from someone staying at my place while I'm on the road.
So whether you could
use a little extra money to cover some bills or for something more fun, your home might be worth
more than you think. Find out how and how much at airbnb.ca. I have dollop tour dates to announce
for the year 2024 of our Lord J town. We have our 10th anniversary show coming up
in Los Angeles on April 27th. Guests are Karen Kilgareff and James Adomian. And
then we are going to Australia starting on May 13th in Perth, May 16th in Sydney,
May 18th in Brisbane, May 20th in Canberra, May 22nd in Melbourne, and May 24th in Adelaide. You can get your tickets at dolloppodcast.com.
The Dollop is brought to you by Helix Sleep.
We love it, Dave.
Gareth, we are big fans of Helix Sleep. We love sleeping on Helix Sleep. We love it, Dave. Gareth, we are big fans of Helix Sleep.
We love sleeping on Helix Sleep mattresses, the pillows.
Love it.
I'm a huge fan.
We've been sleeping on Helix mattresses for years now,
like eight years.
Exclusively for a while, yes.
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My sleep's better, it honestly is better.
The bed is way, I used to get like little backaches from my previous
mattress not happening now
Gareth and I are sleeping together
Sometimes we bring all our pets on the bed together and most times we are loving it
Most times I love it Jose loves the helix. We all love the Helix. Yeah, we do. I mean, look, every body is unique.
Garrett's is extremely unique and everyone sleeps differently.
I, of course, have been sleeping on my fingernails for a few years and that's why...
Now walk us through that process because that seems impossible.
It's personal.
That's why Helix has a bunch of different mattress models that you can choose from.
But it feels like when you're trying to give some sort of personal endorsement,
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with what the hell you're talking about.
I sleep on my fingernails and my toenails.
It's not hard to think about it.
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Positions?
Positions and your field preferences.
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You got anything you want to say to people, Gareth?
Do you want to apologize?
Well, Dave, we should let people know that we, I'm not apologizing for anything.
That's a crazy thing to say.
We have a live show April 27th at the Palace Theater.
If you want to be a part of that, that would be awesome of you to join us for.
Who's our guest?
We have Cary Kilgareff and James Adomian.
I just had a show recently, a guy comes up,
he's like, dude, James Adomian,
when is it gonna happen again?
I was like, buddy, have I got news for you.
Oh boy.
So you can go to dollpodcast.com for that information.
And also join us on Patreon.
We got a fantastic Patreon.
Lots of people are saying it's the best Patreon.
And yeah, that's pretty much it.
Yeah, Luke eats snacks on it.
And we have some more snacks coming for Luke,
despite Dave's protest as not wanting to do it.
It's gonna happen, so.
And to try to make more money,
we are turning the van into a bang bus.
That's right.
March 31st, 1801, year of our Lord J.
Tau. Sure thing. Who by the way is selling bandanas with flames on the side.
So you might want to get those when you get a chance. Sounds crazy.
Daniel Collins was born in Wiscasset, Maine. Okay.
Dave, it's Wiscasset. Is that an Australian guy telling you that?
I don't know what that was.
Who is this guy?
Nobody cares.
I was trying to do Maine, but Maine's an auto and do Maine.
I would recommend that you go over there.
Dave, don't worry about your accent too much.
We'll figure it out.
We're a lighter Boston, but we're still a bit of a Cape Cod.
OK, we're getting a little closer but you criticizing my accesses
for something that should be a do them I don't do them because I want them to be
too perfect and you're fine with it ever garbage comes out of your face crazy
crazy crazy crazy thing to say that's your thing to hear
whisker set was a lumber port on the Sheepscot River, which got its name because there were
Scottish sheep there, I would imagine.
Exactly.
Not much is known about Daniel's childhood.
He did have six siblings.
His grandfather had been a mariner, a seaman, a gentleman on the oceans.
His father made pulleys for ships.
Whiskaset, it's a port town.
It's on a river, but it's a port town.
It's not on the ocean.
It's close, so it's a port town.
But you load them up, you load up the ships,
take them down the river out into the sea.
And now I think you're trying to do an accent
out into the sea. No, I'm being a seaman.
Narrative seaman.
This podcast is terrible.
It's a terrible time.
Yes, this is what we're turning out.
Why would anybody?
It's just like it's just bad for you.
This is garbage.
This is garbage. He was between, Daniel's between 11 and 12 when the, sorry, he's 11 when the War of 1812
breaks out.
And he does join the fight.
So he was between, he had to be between 11 and 13 when he signed up for the Navy.
He signs up for the Navy.
I kind of miss the days where that sounded crazy to me.
Well, back then it was fine. You know, like, yeah, we just need bodies.
Yeah.
But there was a time when I went, what?
Now I'm like, sure.
I know.
A little old.
Yeah. Yeah.
And the people who, you know, don't go, what, when they hear about child soldiers?
Nestle, Nestle the company.
Your personal agenda has ruined everything.
Just be happy for them, they got a bunch of water.
That's awesome.
They turned water into a product.
It's awesome.
So Dale's father was also a boy soldier,
so it probably wasn't a big deal
that his kid wanted to sign up at 11.
He's like, yeah, that's what we do.
I did it during the revolution, you do it now.
So he's 13 when the British invade Maine.
So it could have been then, but probably before.
He could have been a very patriotic,
prepubescent boy at 11.
At the time, boys didn't listen to the Navy,
and like I said, they desperately needed recruits.
I got him, David Farragut joined when he was nine,
and he went on to become an admiral.
Okay.
That's a terrible life that I just heard.
Like nine, you're basically working,
starting at nine all the're in the, you're basically working, starting at nine,
all the way till the end.
But can you imagine like being next
to a nine-year-old in combat?
Yes, I can't imagine that.
It's crazy to say that out loud,
but I mean, I would just be like,
to just be like, look, got your back out there.
You know, he's like, I'm like,
really freaked out right now.
This is like totally insane.
Hey, cover me.
I don't know.
I don't know about that.
Hey, why is that kid behind you holding a teddy bear?
Ah!
I'm going to get him!
Just pants full of piss.
Well, this kid's really pissing a lot. This kid is pissing.
I'm going to grow up to be a total psychopath.
This is a damaging experience.
If we had therapists, surely I'd be telling what about it.
But is it different than alcoholism?
Yeah.
Which I'll also encounter.
The U.S. Navy only had like a dozen functioning ships in the War of 1812.
The British had like 500, but they still needed bodies.
They're still taking them.
10.
It's crazy.
So the town of Whiscacet had a very difficult time during the war of 1812.
There was a British blockade that basically shut it all down.
It's a trade town, right?
They move lumber, basically.
So they're constantly being threatened with invasion by the British.
And that made things very tense. They created a 2000 man militia
at one point drawing guys from other towns when they were worried about the invasion.
So they turned like fishing ships into like little battle ships. Like it was.
It's like the Dunkirk. It's just like, I've got bring your skateboard. That should play.
I'm not a big world. I don't like war films basically. But I did watch that because I
was I think it was in a hotel and I was like, oh, fuck it. I was all right. I like. Yeah,
it's like when the British are losing, I'm more into it. That's funny.
That's an interesting take.
It turns out.
It is an interesting take.
So just to be clear, you were on the, so to condense it down, you were on the side of
the Germans.
Well, let me ask you something.
With all the people the British have killed in the history of the world, who was-
This conversation's over.
Goodbye.
I mean, the Germans did a genocide.
How many genocides did the British get away with?
Bro, enough.
It's disgusting.
Okay.
Did you understand?
That is wrong.
Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Queen's dead.
So, on July, in July July 1814, the two British worships sent a message
that they would quote, dine in with cassette.
Okay.
Which is not a very threatening.
We're going to eat in your establishments.
All right, that ought to teach you a lesson.
We're going to have some of your famous fish. All right, that ought to teach you a lesson.
We're going to have some of your famous fish.
Yes, and we'll see if you survive.
Could I have a new fork? I dropped mine on the floor.
What was part B of this plan? What was it?
I think dessert?
Yes, yes. Yes.
A dish best served.
No, that's revenge, which we're also.
That's revenge.
Yeah, I don't want that.
Not sure.
We'll have the trifle.
Pudding?
Now, there was a point to this.
Pudding!
No, but we've just come to that.
No, no, it's not that.
We've just had, what was the bloody thing we were gonna do?
Who, what are we?
We should stay in one of the inns.
Oh, I like that!
We should live here forever.
Yes!
We're moving here, aha!
That ought to teach them a lesson.
Aha!
I've met a girl in this town and I'm taking her as my wife.
Sex!
Well, I bet you'll reg- yes, exactly, eventually, yes,
and I bet they'll regret the day they had us here.
I do.
Gosh, I just really feel like there was a second part
to this. It sounds like we're stopping by.
Yes, it's all good, it's all upside.
It's just popping in.
Yes, it's not right.
I feel like we've done genocide well.
No, stop bringing that up. That feels a bit forced in, doesn't it? I think so. Just stick to... no, just not the proper... Comedies. Yes, what's happening?
Genocide. Stop. Okay. Stop now. The response to the worship saying they would die in a whisk set was, quote, if you died
in a whisk set, you'll sup in hell.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I read it.
I read it.
I looked at it.
I stared at it.
It'd be fun to drive into that.
I'd be like, yeah, maybe we should go to the next area for food.
Does sup in hell mean you'll have supper in hell?
Yes.
That does.
That's what it means. Yeah, but that's also like a weird promise for hell.
Yeah.
To be like, oh, there is food.
Because I'd be like, there's no food in hell.
They'd be like, no, it's basically a Panda Express.
Each night in a Taco Bell, each night,
they'll be trying to see.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah.
The British started sacking nearby towns
and every man and boy who could shoot a musket
was called into this militia.
Daniel's brothers fought in it and he has three brothers.
Daniel was injured during the war.
He had a badly broken leg that happened
when his ship was hit by a cannon.
Oh, for fuck's sake, he's 12?
11 or 12. He's 11.
Could be 13, but probably 11, 12.
That's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he keeps serving.
He doesn't leave because he broke his leg.
He keeps serving in the Navy.
My 11-year-old's leg was shattered
because of a cannonball.
I'm fine.
I can still work. Go ahead.
This is nothing.
It's just, my leg's in half.
What's the a half. It's my legs in half.
What's the?
Eleven.
You know how canon goes it, boys.
So he's very religious.
He has a crucifix tattooed on his arm.
Okay.
And in 1824, he finally leaves the Navy and he becomes a merchant marine when he's 23 or a merchant scene.
Okay.
I don't, a merchant scene on it.
I think.
I don't know.
What's the difference between a marine and I don't know, but I also don't care.
This is one of those questions that you should not be bringing to me during an episode.
What's the difference between a merchant marine and a merchant like say, well, one serves
and the other comes from my cock.
Oh Jesus.
Good fucking Lord.
This didn't work out well
at all let me just look up Merchant Marine here really quick do you need me
to VAMP? It's an organization here I got some VAMP stuff. What's the deal with Costco?
Hey Costco your stuff is so big why are you selling so much stuff? Hey okay yeah if I
need to make a trip there to get a lifetime supply of diapers,
I think I will do that.
Did you figure it out?
Okay, vamping's over.
The United States Merchant Marine is an organization composed of United States civilian mariners
and US civilian and federally owned merchant vessels.
Okay, so it's a mix of stuff to make it more confusing, but basically he's a merchant merchant. We can say that.
So
He joins up with them. The first ship he gets assigned to is the Betsy.
Okay, so one they weren't really trying to name.
She's a brig, about 80 feet long, got two masts.
She hauls lumber out of the port
and then they go drop it off somewhere else
and then they load up with supplies to bring back.
To Whiskaset, so, Ellis Hilton is the captain.
Daniel is the second mate.
The crew's seven men.
That's all they got.
Dale's first voyage as a merchant sailor starts on November 28, 1824.
That's a Sunday, which sailors were very excited about because the phrase was, Sunday sail
never fail.
They thought it was the luckiest day to start a voyage
That was there maybe just cuz it rhymed. They're very well, but Sunday doesn't have anything to do with that. Yeah. Yeah every day We'd run this. Oh, they're just idiots. Maybe it's the Lord's Day probably and they're like what could happen?
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that a lot of that happened
No, anybody who believes in God, they're fine. Mm-hmm. I feel like there were probably a lot of ships that, whatever.
We're not here to really legislate their stupid thinking.
The Betsy has 20 tons of lumber on board and they are headed to Matanzas, Cuba.
Okay, fuck.
A pretty quick Captain Hilton becomes sick on the journey.
He mostly stays in his cabin for most of the time
because he feels so badly.
This would be me as a captain on a ship.
I'd be like, oh, it started?
I don't feel good.
I'd just go in and play video games.
Sure, you get how it works.
Yeah, on December 19th, 22 days in, Daniel's at the helm.
The water is very rough. On December 19th, 22 days in, Daniel's at the helm.
The water is very rough.
So he goes and he tells the captain, he's like, we should shorten the sail to slow the ship down
because we're going pretty hard at all these crazy waves.
And the captain's like, no, I want to get there.
I don't feel good.
That's the best.
No rush, I have diarrhea.
Go quick, hurry. Speed it up, I've got the best. No, rush. I have diarrhea. Go quick.
Hurry.
Speed it up.
I've got the blues.
I understand you're saying that for the long term movement of this journey, we should probably
slow it down, but I'm sick of crapping.
I need a modium on land.
Sick of crapping.
How old is Daniel again?
He's 23 now.
Okay. So he's like, we're going to get there tomorrow. Sick of traffic. How old is Daniel again? He's 23 now. Okay, right.
So he's like, we're going to get there tomorrow.
We're not slowing down.
That night visibility is very, very bad.
So the guy is keeping watch, can't really see very well.
Daniel's in his cabin and then he feels a big fucking jolt.
It's a collision.
And all these boxes and barrels fall on top of him. It's a collision. And all these boxes and barrels fall on top of them. Like it's a big one.
And then water starts pouring into his cabin. So he hustles out to the companion way. Do you know
what that is? Yeah, that's where you and your buddy go. So it's where buddies go. I'll handle
this. So on every ship, there was the solo route or the companion.
So if you went the solo route, you were on your own.
And if you wanted to go with a buddy, you went the companion way and you guys would
hold hands and you would go up that.
It was longer, but the journey did result in some lessons about friendship every time.
Okay.
That's completely wrong.
It's like a little, there's like a little, it's like a little it's almost like a little a house-shaped thing that you can
Come you come up onto the deck through basically
So it's kind of for those of you who are visual people picture a little house on the deck
And that's where you'd come out of it with your best friend
And if you weren't best friends when you started you would be by the end because you'd learned a lot of lessons along the way
About each other. Okay, so he runs to that but he looks at it and it's gone.
It's not there anymore.
So he has to pull himself up through a skylight onto the deck
and he sees there's a giant black rock in front of the ship that they had hit.
Oh shit.
So two guys are trying to pump water out,
but most of the bow and part of the stern are gone,
so that doesn't really.
Dave, let me break it down for everyone. These men are going to die.
That's right. So the public is just completely pointless. Lumber is loose and flying around
and smashing into things. Although the captain's dog starts chasing the ship cat around on the,
on the planks.
Fun.
Fun time.
Hey, a little fun can still be had at these things.
The captain comes out and he's like, abandon ship.
We got to get the fuck out of here.
So they start cutting the longboat down.
And Daniel grabs a compass, a water bucket, and some oars.
Smart.
Good things.
And as they're getting off, the both masts crash down,
and then the ship smashes into the rock once again.
So the ship is no more, for they're done with the ship.
Well, the ship, quote, splitting open like a walnut shell.
Right.
They're not supposed to do that.
No, no, the whole thing with the ship
is that the shell is really important.
Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah.
At no point.
The way it's constructed, holes are your enemies.
If your ship is being compared to a nutshell at any time,
things have gone bad.
Yes, good Dave.
Unless that's one of those Brazilian nuts,
what the fuck is with that shell?
Hey, the dollop will be right back.
Ah!
So they're all thrown from that next hit,
they're all thrown into the ocean.
They all scramble onto the longboat.
So a lot of them didn't even get to bring some of the stuff
they might have had with them carrying
because they got just tossed.
Right.
The Betsy sinks in 10 minutes.
Okay.
And this is why I say don't hit a rock.
Yeah, no, that's right.
I do like that the captain was like,
we gotta get to land and now it's like,
buddy, you're probably gonna drown.
Oh, that's much worse for my tummy.
So they have no water, no provisions.
They're surrounded by water.
Oh, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, Gareth.
It's not drinkable.
Oh,
um, the long boats been damaged.
Uh, a plank in the whole long boat is split.
So the long boats taking on water.
So they're continuously using buckets to bail it out.
What about the shortboat?
Isn't there a little...
You definitely have one attached to the longboat, just like a little short guy.
They didn't bring a shorty.
It's called a shorty in Ocean Talk.
I think it's called Ocean Talk, but yeah, Ocean Talk, we call it a short.
A shorty, shortest, shorts. Damn.
So they're bailing it out.
The ship's dog somehow managed to get on the longboat,
so he's there, cat's gone.
Well, sure the cat was fine.
Nine lives and whatnot.
Stop.
In the morning, they look around for whatever they can salvage out of the ship floating
around.
But they got some rotting bread, splintered wood at a big blanket, which they use as a
sail.
Wait, where are they though?
They're-
They get in the boat, but they just kind of stayed there until light.
Okay.
They got light and then they start salvaging shit that's around.
Right.
Right. Right.
Bread.
Broughting bread.
First thing.
Bread's probably not going to be great.
No, no.
They grabbed a big blanket.
They turned that into a sail and then they're like, let's head for Cuba.
It's the closest place that's 100 miles away.
Cuba it is.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, it's not bad.
It's not bad.
They're all very anxious because of the situation.
Sure.
Captain Hilton is doing the worst out of anybody.
Right.
He had survived a lot of shit at sea over the years,
but this is the worst situation he'd ever been in,
and he just has no hope.
He's like, we're fucked.
Right. We're fucked.
They could not calculate their course to Cuba
because there's irregular, very fast currents,
so they kind of can't tell where they are.
It's an issue.
So he's like, we're gonna die.
What are we doing?
Yep.
And he's already sick, like he still felt like shit.
So Daniel kind of takes over and starts acting as leader.
He's had all that time in the Navy.
He knows how to lead men.
He's seen this all.
He's seen shit during the war that you can't even
fucking understand.
He was 11.
You little fucking Wisconsin guys can't even comprehend.
I don't know what your problem is.
Can't even comprehend it.
I don't want to. I
listen, I could teach him rules of improv that he couldn't even fathom. Rule of three. Yes and.
Good initiations. Make decisive character. I could teach him all that shit. So we have different
skills. So I'm not going to sit here and be berated as to what he knows that I don't know when I know a lot more than he does about that.
And if you want to talk about the roster of the last green bay Packers championship team,
let's talk about it.
Let's talk about it.
Let's talk about that dip, dip shit.
You're dead on the ship.
You're dead.
Good.
You got no, I don't want to. All you're bringing. He's not going to
be. He can't go into a Packers chat room and hold his own. Wisconsin local fucking skills
that give you nothing. Put him put him on a comedy sports show in 2010. Let's see how he does at, at, at, at, at,
at the do run run or emotional symphony.
Maybe he's not that good at what he says he is.
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
So, yeah, so they think they're dead.
So Dana takes over.
He's a good leader.
He's seen the worst of any of the guys on the ship.
Quote, and having been blessed with an excellent
constitution made it my duty to encourage the rest.
Okay. That's nice.
He tells them with a breeze and if we keep bailing the water,
they're gonna make it to Cuba soon.
He goes, it won't take that long.
We'll get a nice breeze.
So they do it all day.
They're going all day, and then at midnight,
they're just like, this is not gonna happen, bro.
I'm sure they said bro.
I'm sure someone said bro.
This isn't gonna happen, bro.
And then one of the oars hits something solid. A skull. I'm sure they said bro. I'm sure someone said bro. This isn't gonna happen bro. Yeah, and then
One of the oars hit something solid a skull and they're like
Shallow fucking water shallow water. They thought they looked down. It's a shark. Oh
It's very different than shallow water great
It's a different field. The shallow water ate Tom. So a group of sharks are now following the boat.
What the fuck?
They're like, oh, yeah, well, to them, it's like Rolos.
It's the way I see Rolos in the grocery store.
That's awesome.
That's a good way to look at it.
Quote, it was widely believed that when sharks followed a vessel, it was a sign that those
on board were going to die.
Some guy was probably just like,
I don't think that was a Sunday.
I think that was a Monday we left.
This is crazy.
Fuck.
Did we leave after midnight?
The captain's dying, we're using a blanket as our sail,
and the sharks are gonna roll-o-us.
Dude, the cat.
Yeah, listen, I'm pretty broken about the cat too.
Yeah.
But were these like friendly sharks that were like this way to land?
No, no, they're eat people sharks.
And now this is not something you want from your captain, but the captain starts crying.
It's good.
Captain, it's just such bullshit.
We just were so dead for sure.
No, Captain, let's just try to keep positive and there's no point.
Take the blanket down.
We may as well be using it as a hanky.
Dude, you're the captain.
The sharks are going to kill us if we're lucky.
What do you mean for lucky?
I have mind bending diarrhea.
This is so bad.
You know what? We're screwed. Hold on. What do you mean for lucky? I have mind bending diarrhea. This is so bad.
We're so screwed.
Hold on.
You've said mind bending diarrhea every single day.
I'm just hoping.
Since we left Maine.
Do me a favor.
Stab me.
Stab me in my brain.
Just do whatever you can to get through the skull.
Go through the nasal passages.
Do the mouth.
Go up through the ass.
Wish I had a knife.
So do I.
Go.
So do I.
The captain fell to his knees
and started praying for God's protection.
Dear Lord, please help.
You're the only way.
And then he screamed.
If they got away from the sharks,
they were too far from Cuba and would go hungry.
All right can we just focus on the sharks for a minute dude?
Just a negative Nancy one.
That's a shit really just bad.
You're bombing everybody out.
So now the rest of the crew starts to give up they're like well the captain's right he's the
fucking captain and Daniel is just begging them he He's like, do not stop rowing.
Do not stop bailing.
We will get there.
I am bailing.
And then the sharks, they move off.
Okay.
Still there's no land.
They don't see any land.
Okay.
They keep going though.
And early on the third day,
they see a small speck of land ahead of them.
Sharks.
And they're fired up. and they start rowing faster.
They get a wind at their back.
They get there.
It's a small island.
It's covered in swamps and mangroves.
And they pull into what's like a crescent shaped bay
that's like protected.
What we call an oceanic cul-de-sac.
Yeah, we don't.
That's actually not...
Have you been at sea?
This is a Wisconsin tune.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been at sea too much.
Ah, aha.
When?
You know, I used to do comedy sports in Los Angeles on a street called Seaward.
Very familiar.
Don't.
So as they get closer, they see there's two fishing huts that have been built and they
see five fishermen on the beach.
Welcome to Shark Island.
And one sees them and paddles out in a canoe.
He speaks Spanish.
One of the guys speaks, on the crew, speaks Portuguese.
So they are able to exchange enough
that the fishermen get what happened to them.
So Captain Hilton recognizes the head fisherman guy.
He had bought, he he like traded with him
in Menton's Ass once, so he's like, I know this guy.
The fishermen take him in, they feed him fish and turtles
and they give him coffee,
because what they need right now is coffee.
Who wants a little turtle and coffee?
You boys seem wary.
How about a little turtle and some coffee
to get you back on your feet again?
Oh, I thought they'd never have turtle and coffee again.
The sick captain's like, do you have any fruits or anything? I really am dealing with a bit of a
shaky belly. Yeah, that's actually a double diarrhea sort of thing that you're doing.
Oh, that really opened up my pipes.
And for our first class passengers,
we're offering turtle and coffee.
Hey.
You know, my heartburn is unbelievable.
So then they pass out, they go to sleep.
Like they take them to one of their fishing huts
and they put some blankets down, these guys all just crash.
Except Daniel, Daniel does not,
because Daniel is suspicious of Spaniards who are being nice.
He's like, I don't buy it.
Well, there's a history.
Yeah, no, think about Mexico.
The next day, Daniel looks around and he finds two pretty nice boats hidden in the mangroves.
He's like, well, that's interesting.
And he finds some limes in one, which he takes,
and he starts eating, but a fisherman sees him,
and he's like, no, don't take the limes, put them back.
Those boats are someone else's boats,
and those guys are gonna come back,
and they're gonna want their limes.
I'm listening, just super unsure of what's happening.
That's an interesting twist.
So they wake up and Captain Hilton talks to the fishermen and they negotiate to take them to Matanzas, Cuba.
And they offer the longboat, they're going to give them the longboat and $40.
And the fishermen are like, all right, we'll take you if you give us that.
So they're like, once the weather improves, then we'll do it.
We'll just wait till then.
Again, all the men go back to sleep, except Daniel.
He might be tired.
And he goes out and listens, and he hears two of the fishermen
excitedly talking.
Now, he can't understand what they're saying,
but they seem pretty excited.
If only I knew Spanish.
That would be so helpful right now.
Just reading emotions.
The next day, the crew get up and they go to bathe in the cove. And as they're bathing, they find a bunch of really old skeletons.
Hey, this water's gross!
Hey, this is why you're having us bathe here!
This is horrifying!
Have you guys seen poltergeist?
There's a bunch of bodies in here in the cool water.
No, don't swim there.
That's where we put all the bodies.
Hey, it's like if Goonies was a bath.
So, also none of the skeletons have skulls.
Don't feel good about that development.
Daniel quote, to me, this was not very pleasant,
a not very pleasant discovery.
That's like something I just never even thought
I'd have to figure out.
And then they're all freaked out, but the fishermen are like,
no, they all, that's, that was a shipwreck.
Those guys all died in a shipwreck.
They came headless.
Yeah, when you die in a shipwreck, your head pops off.
All their heads fell off and then they crashed.
Yep.
So Daniel's very concerned,
and he tells Captain Hilton they should leave,
or they're going to be murdered,
and no one would ever know that's what happened to them.
But the captain's like, I bought sugar from this guy.
I know him.
Dude, chill out.
He's a friend, he's a buddy.
This is my sugar, bro.
And the next day, Daniel's,
he notices that two of the fishermen
are really keeping a close eye on the crew. They're really watching them.
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Oh.
Yes.
So First Leaf is a wine subscription situation.
That's what I'm calling it.
Yes, yep. We both enjoy wine. We're wine drinkers. My wife is a wine subscription situation. That's what I'm calling it. Yes, yep.
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My wife is a huge, I think they call them wine heads.
She's a wine head.
Yeah, she's a wine-o.
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and she went through the questionnaire thing,
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Oh, buddy.
Buddy, you don't want to get me started on a dry rosé.
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It was a Chile wine, La Arruca or something like that.
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Thank you.
No, the hydro is fantastic for many reasons.
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I'm, two lucky listeners are gonna be able to sit on my lap while I wrote.
Oh, God, it's really went bad.
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Okay, so these fishermen are really eyeing and keeping a close watch.
That's quite a cliffhanger you gave me there.
Yeah, yeah.
I like where we're headed by the way.
A lot of fun little planets in orbit.
Yeah.
So that night as they sleep, so they're all
sleeping in the huts, right?
There's just two, so they're all mixed in.
The head fisherman guy, he gets up and he's like,
ah, it's too hot in here.
I'm going to go sleep outside.
And he takes his blanket and he walks out.
And Daniel's like, well, that's weird,
because it's actually really, really cool in here.
So he sneaks out and follows the guy or goes out and looks for him.
Doesn't see him anywhere.
He's not sleeping outside the hut.
He's not anywhere.
Can't find him.
And then the fisherman guy comes back hours later and his pants are soaked like he had
been waiting in the water.
So, Dan's a little suspicious.
And in the morning, it's the day before Christmas, so Merry Christmas.
It's Christmas Eve, as they call it in the business.
The crew are like, it's time to start heading out.
The weather's good, let's head for Mented's us.
And so they start loading up the boat. They're getting ready to go.
And then the fishermen start pointing towards the sea.
And they look out and they see a ship coming.
And the fishermen are all laughing and pointing.
And they tell Daniel, it's a British ship
that is made to fight pirates.
And Daniel at this point doesn't believe anything
the fishermen say, because number one, they're Spanish.
And he thinks, it feels like they've been delaying us
from leaving, that's what it feels like.
So Daniel quickly starts to raise the foresail
on their little boat.
You mean he's selling the ship?
He's selling the ship, for sale, yeah.
But as he's doing that, the fishermen keep yelling,
no for sale, no for sale.
And then there's a musket blast.
And a bullet whizzes by the group, or a musket ball.
And then more muskets are being fired from the ship,
and the fishermen jump below deck.
And then Daniel and the crew try to follow them down,
but they block them and push them back out.
Okay, fuck.
So they are now laying low on the boat
while all these muskets are being shot at them.
And then the ship, the black
ship pulls up close and it's completely painted black, which is, I don't know a lot about
ships, but when a black ship pulls up, you're, you're fucked.
Don't love it.
Yeah. Black ship. Black ship. And this is when the improv guy, black ship comes.
Are you talking to me? This is not how improv works.
And then we're all done?
Like you could have gone like a Sunday sale thing.
You could have done a thing.
Well, why don't you do the thing?
I'm not the improv guy.
I'm just, I'm not funny at all.
Well, you're not, then don't try to help the improv guy
by just throwing something crazy.
You don't throw a bomb that's about to go off
because the guy who can defuse the bombs lap.
Black ship comes, We're all done.
Did it. I did.
Your alarm going off.
What's wrong with you?
Yeah. One PM.
We got to put up.
We got to put up a podcast called The Past Times.
Oh, shit.
OK, so they're all laying on the deck.
Now the ship is super close
and they stop shooting and they look up it's ten very heavily armed
Spaniards.
Okay.
Muskets, pistols, machetes, knives, quote, they were neatly dressed in jackets, trousers
and palm leaf hats.
Interesting.
It's a nice hat.
Cool outfit.
And this is after Labor Day. So they should
Oh gosh. Faux pas much. So these are obviously pirates. And the pirate captain has a very long
mustache. He has a machete, he has two pistols, he has knives. They call me long mustache.
The head fisherman comes out from below deck and they hug each other like, hey, like their buddy. The captain gave the then hands the head fisherman
two doubloons. So he's paying him for something. And then the pirates come over with a big
jug of booze and they tell the crew to have some, drink some of this fine alcohol.
So the crew is like sipping it very anxiously.
They obviously don't like the situation.
And then the head fisherman and the pirate captain
walk over to look at the Betsy's longboat to inspect that.
Daniel's like, this is fucking bad,
we gotta get the fuck out of here.
And Captain Hilton's like, I know this fisherman guy,
he's fine, I need to trust him.
Would you calm down, he's my sugar buddy.
We are sugar buddies.
I bought sugar.
I bought sugar from him.
This guy gave me sugar.
You were buying sugar from a bad guy, instead of,
instead of, what?
I mean, I bought sugar, I don't know
if you need another language, I bought sugar from him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but he could have stolen the sugar
and sold it to you.
It could be a guy who killed the sugar owner.
Let me, let me, I bought sugar from him.
He's my bro.
Okay.
Enough. Okay.
Okay. Lord.
You think this guy would have sold me sugar
if the long part of the plan was that he was eventually
gonna kill me on an island? Where they take the heads?
Yes.
Come on.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
It makes no sense.
Explain the sugar part then.
Ah, fuck.
Why did he sell me sugar?
You can't.
You can't explain that part.
And that's why my alarms are not going off and we should really enjoy ourselves.
He could?
These men have come in a black ship.
They're giving us some booze.
They're going to talk about our lovely little vessel over there.
He could have.
My God, it wouldn't shock me if this ended in a little more sugar.
Black ship approaching, sugar friendship.
That's the ship I'm worried about. The sugar friendship, black sheep coming.
Look, you want an improv.
It's bad.
Suck my balls.
It's bad.
Shut up.
So then the captain comes back and says, tie him all up.
So they grab.
I'm the sugar guy.
So they grab. What? They sugar guy. So they grab-
They're just what?
They grab Captain Hilton and tie his arms so tight
that he cries out in pain.
Not, not sugar!
This is not sugar!
Crying out in pain shouldn't be funny.
It is.
It's funny right now.
Daniel jumps up to help the captain and he gets clubbed by a
musket. Okay. Then they tied up Daniel and the rest and as they tied them up they sang songs and
kept mimicking slicing their throats. So that's this is a fun song. It seems bad. It seems bad. That's a fun song. They also told the crew they were, quote, very good beef for their knives.
I just don't get it. I bought sugar from him.
Are they really going to eat us?
They tossed the tied men in canoes and took them towards the cove
Where the skeletons rode that heads. I know I remember the cove
so they get there and Captain Hilton is grabbed by his hair and
Decapitated by several blows
Sugar sugar decapitated by several blows. Ah. Ah. Sugar, sugar, sugar.
Ah.
Quote, I could distinctly hear them
chopping the bone of the neck.
Ah, Christ, it's like those are the things
that's like I know, but I don't need to hear.
Yeah, you do.
The head dropped into the water,
blood poured from the head stump.
I'm starting to think those skeletons didn't have heads for shut up. I'm sorry
Next young Joshua Mary was eviscerated by a sword and then they also slit his throat as well
Just because taking a guy's innards out is not enough. No, is that what eviscerated actually means? Yeah, it's when they
Is that what eviscerated actually means? Yeah, it's when they cut.
They disemboweled basically.
Yeah, you're disemboweled basically.
Two others were stabbed in their chests and then had their skulls split open as they were
screaming.
The old man of the crew was hit, which caused his head to split in two, which showered Daniel
in blood and parts.
Quote, and even without the decency of removing his cap.
Oh, well, that's a real shame.
This is one of those things that's Oh, well that's a real shame.
This is one of those things that's like,
if it was in a movie, like I'm pretty sure Daniel's
going to get away, and in a movie you'd be like, no.
Yeah, that's true, you're right.
Another raised his sword to kill Daniel,
but the other, so there's two guys left who are alive,
Charles, Manuel, and Daniel. his sword to kill Daniel, but the other, so there's two guys left who are alive,
Charles, Manuel, and Daniel.
So right when this guy raises his sword to kill Daniel,
Charlie jumps into the water and starts trying to escape,
and the pirate is slightly distracted, and he misses.
So instead of just cracking his head open,
he just kind of hits the hat a little bit,
and Daniel gets knocked into the water instead.
So he jumps up and starts running.
So him and Charlie are now running in opposite directions.
Like frilled lizards.
Through the shallow water first,
but then towards the beach.
Like what?
Like frilled lizards.
Okay, I thought that's what you said.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people right now wondering what's going on with you. And there's said. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of people right now wondering what's going on with you.
And there's like six who are like, exactly.
I know what you're talking about, right?
It's the lizards with the things, the like sail looking thing.
And then they run.
They run like headless birds.
Well, these guys have heads on.
Not for long.
So they're being chased.
The pirate that tried to kill Daniel starts chasing Daniel and one other guy joins him.
And Charles Manuel is being chased by everybody else and running the opposite way.
And he's got a lot of pirates and fishermen chasing him.
And when the last time Daniel sees him,
like they're really close to grabbing him.
So Daniel runs right into the mangrove swamp
and the cords were not really tied that tight
so they just kind of slipped off as he was running.
And the swamp water is waist high.
So you're in there, you're in a swamp.
There's mud, it's hard to get through.
There's also tons of oyster shells.
So he has no shoes on, so as he's running,
the shells are slicing his feet and legs.
Yeah, Christ.
And the two pirates are about 10 feet behind him,
but he just keeps running.
He doesn't have shoes on.
It's easier for him to run through the mangrove swamp.
The other, the pirates have boots, pirate boots.
So they're having a lot harder time keeping up, but they keep chasing him.
And it goes on for hours.
Like they're chasing him for fucking hours.
And at some point he gets far enough.
High speed swamp chase.
At some point he gets far enough ahead
that he's able to just sink down into the swamp
on her and hide.
And then they can't find him and by morning
they've given up and they're gone.
Gareth. Jesus.
In the morning, Merry Christmas.
It's Christmas buddy. It's Christmas, buddy!
It's Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
What did you get me?
A head.
Daniel now realizes that he basically ran
across the entire island to the other side.
Wow.
And he looks out and he sees about three miles away,
there's another island.
And he had been a bit of a long distance swimmer,
like he had swam like these two mile races at a time,
so he's like, I can do this.
So he swims for it.
Gets to the other island, it's smaller,
and he walks across that, it's three miles to walk across,
and then there's another island.
And he's like, okay, and that one's two miles away.
So he's,
I think I'm in an archipelago.
That's what he said to himself, yes.
I believe this to be an archipelago.
So he swims two miles, and then he just keeps doing this
and crossing islands and swimming
and crossing islands and swimming,
seven islands in four days.
Wow.
Every island's covered in swamps,
so they're really hard to walk across.
At the end of four days, he is fucking starving.
He's dehydrated, his feet are totally bloody,
his body is now covered in sores and mosquito bites.
And then he reached the mainland.
And he's like, fuck, I made it to Cuba.
But he can barely walk at this point.
Right.
And he figured he had swam nine miles and walked a lot more than that.
That's what he thinks.
Now his clothes are gone.
He is now naked except for a jacket and a hat.
I love that look.
So now he's my kind of guy.
Like this is what I would.
Little Donald Duck.
I've got a vest and a hat and that's all I need.
And then Gareth, he stumbles.
Table for two.
He stumbles into hedonism two.
Oh my God and they're like perfect.
So he can barely walk.
He comes across an abandoned boat and he takes that time to rest on it.
And while he's laying there, he sees a crawfish and he's like, I'm so fucking hungry.
And so he grabs the crawfish with his hands and he eats it really quick.
And then he vomits because that's terrible.
Yep.
Because he didn't make a good choice.
That's right.
And he walks on, and then for the first time in fucking ages, he's on dry land.
And he comes across some fresh water.
Okay, so he's starting to get a little bit of needs, keeps moving on.
And then he's going through these areas that have wild cattle and hogs and goats and mules,
but he's too weak to kill anything.
Sure.
And eat it.
So he keeps going, and then he comes across a lime grove,
and he just starts fucking chowing down on limes.
How some limes.
Just picking lime up, just lime down.
He's picking them off the ground,
he's just chomping on them, and then he takes a bunch and he packs his jacket pockets.
I'm gonna need these. I'll only eat limes for the next couple days.
Now his feet at this point are numb and rotting. Okay.
His legs are swollen and covered in sores that were now quote, so offensive as to occasion a violent retching.
Yeah.
So when your own legs smell so bad,
they're making you vomit.
Yeah.
That's a bad leg situation.
That's bad, because that's yours.
Yeah, your body shouldn't be making you throw up.
Ugh.
He still walks on, still naked, except for a jacket and a hat.
And on the sixth day, he comes across this dude sitting on a horse.
And he waves his hat at the dude and he walks up and approaches him.
It's a plantation slave.
And plantation slave dude cannot fucking believe what he's looking at.
And so he slowly gets off his horse and pulls his machete
because he's like, I gotta fucking kill this crazy person.
Now they don't speak the same language.
So Daniel starts trying to mime
and he's pointing at his sores
and trying to explain that he was shipwrecked
and almost killed.
And slowly the slave dude starts to figure it out
and he's like, okay, I'll take care of this guy.
And he takes Daniel up and he puts him on a horse,
the horse, and then he slowly walks him to the plantation.
And at the plantation, he stops at a hut,
and he gets him a shirt and pants,
because he's don, he's don out.
Underdressed, yeah.
He's very underdressed.
And then he takes him to the main mansion.
And the owner is this old Spanish magistrate
named Sir Thomas.
His family sees Daniel and they just burst into tears,
like this poor wretched man.
He's had such a hard time.
They can't speak English,
but they kneel and they start kissing his crucifix.
Apparently think that the crucifix saved him
through whatever he went through.
It did.
Yeah, that's it.
So they treat his wounds, they give him food, they put him to bed, but the bed is so luxurious
he can't sleep in it.
He lays on the floor.
Plantation is fucking huge.
It is a massive plantation.
There's several hundred slaves.
One of the slaves tells Daniel, he actually treats us well like for a slave owner.
And then a slave tells Daniel, Sir, Thomas owns a few plantations. He is crazy rich.
And then over four days, they nurse him kind of back to health as much as they can in four
days. But each night Daniel notices a group of armed men come every night. And he's like, these are pirates.
What else could they be?
Armed guys coming at night.
And then Daniel learns that the nearby town
is a pirate haven.
It's like pirate city.
So he's like, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get to Manzazas.
I gotta get to the place I was going.
It's a hundred miles away.
Fuck.
But now he's in Cuba and he's an American and to travel in Cuba, you need a pass from
an official.
So he goes to Sir Thomas and he's like, hey, can I get a pass?
And Sir Thomas is like, yeah, I'll give you a pass.
Absolutely.
And while he's talking about this, this drunk carpenter comes in.
He's on the floor, but it ain't go great either because I missed a bunch of the nails are not even
there anymore.
Hey, Frank, why is there a nail in your hand?
There's a nail in your hand.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what I was going to say.
I'm going to need a little influx of money in order to finish part of the floor.
We gave you? I'm so sick of trying
I try to make it work with her and she's done in listen wait who I thought we're talking about the
Bill yeah force so yeah, just like it's a bunch of little
Problems with the floorboards essentially who's she so we gotta be careful
She's not she's not mine anymore
She gave up on me because she said, I don't have a dream.
And I did have a dream when I was a boy,
but it's gone now.
Frank, have you been drinking?
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I drank a bunch.
Because I mean, you were looking for a junk carpenter,
so you hired.
I wasn't actually looking for a junk carpenter.
But you got one.
So she's over it.
Okay. So the floor's not done either.
So the junk carpenter hears that Daniel wants to leave and he's like, you can't leave.
This place is just fucking nightmare.
Like outside the plantation, some people kill you.
It's bad.
And Daniel's like, I'm going.
I'm getting to the place I was going.
So the carpenter gives Daniel a dollar and some clothes, and he's like, look, I'll go
with you for the first few miles.
I can help you get there.
So he takes him on his horse, and after nine miles, he's like, let's stay here for the
night.
There's this empty house.
And they go inside, and there's three dudes in there.
And they've got swords. And they're like, where the fuck is this guy from?
And how did he get here? And so the carpenter tells the tale of Daniel and how he got here.
And he goes, and these guys are pirates. This fucker's in this house of pirates. Just like
the guys who killed Daniel's crew. And so it's a pretty awkward situation. They pull
their swords out. And then the carpenter pulls his pistols. Turns out the carpenter is an
ex British soldier and he's armed. And then there's a big standoff. The standoff lasts
for an hour.
Nice.
And then the three pirate guys are like, I fuck, we're okay, we're going.
This is crazy.
So they leave. This is weird.
Then in the morning, they must have gotten told someone because in the morning, three
guys, three soldiers show up and they're there to arrest Daniel and take him to Via Clara,
which is the pirate town.
And so the carpenter's like, ah, ah, and he pulls out Daniel's pass.
He goes, he's got a pass to go wherever he wants.
And the soldiers are mad and they take it
and they throw the pass on the ground, but they leave.
Because you can't, it's a pass.
You can't, what are you gonna do?
Yeah.
Fuck with the pass laws.
You know, you can't.
You can't.
The whole, the way this whole fucking island works
is on the pass.
It's amazing.
When the lawless are like, well, he's got identification.
Yeah, he's got the pass.
So. We wanna kill them! God! When the lawless are like, well, he's got identification. Yeah, he's got the pass.
We would have killed him.
I assume they don't want to piss off the really rich guys.
That's what I would assume.
So the carpenter takes Daniel six more miles,
and then he goes back and leaves Daniel to go on his own.
He gives Daniel some supplies, and he gives him a really heavy cane that he can use as a weapon.
Here you go.
Like a big, like a Cuban Shillelagh is what I'm thinking.
Just Shillelagh.
Dayon still has 85 more miles to go to get to Mendezas.
He starts walking, doesn't get very far at all.
Doesn't get very far before two men come out of a hut on the side of the road and
punching him and drag him off the road and just beat the living shit out of him.
Take his cane, beat him with it.
They slash his face with a knife and in the middle of attack, a pack of mules start coming
down the road and that scares off the guys who are beating him up.
They just take everything he has, they rob him.
But then they run away.
But now Daniel's scared that the mule drivers are also going to attack him and
So he just crawls into some shrubs and just lays there bleeding. Okay
So after a while it sounds like no one's out there and he gets back on the road and keeps walking and he's a fucking mess
At night he stops at a house to ask for some food and shelter, and the people are like, get the fuck out of here.
No, it's not.
No.
So he ends up sleeping in some bushes.
For a couple days, he's just begging for food
for anybody he sees.
And then someone takes him to a house,
and it's the sister of Sir Thomas.
And he's got the pass, so she hooks him up.
Like, she gives him food and water, anything
he needs. But then he keeps walking. He meets some American woodworkers, some guys who make
caskets for sugar.
Sober. Sober?
Sugar. Sober sugar.
And they give him a ride on a ship. So they have a ship that they're going on up to Mantanzas.
And he's like, yes, that's where I'm going.
So they take him.
Now, Mantanzas, the word Mantanzas means massacres in English.
Sure.
It was named due to a massacre of Spanish soldiers that had happened.
Because there's a bunch of guys you can kill.
That's why you name the town.
Yeah, it's a good vibe.
Obviously. For sure.'s a good vibe.
For sure.
Yeah, good vibe.
Yeah.
The shipwreck was two and a half weeks ago.
So that's how long he's been
Jesus Christ.
Making a sort of nightmare.
So he immediately goes to the US shipping agents
who were waiting for the Betsy to arrive.
And he goes, it's not coming, by the way.
I'm kind of all that's left.
Where's Hilton?
That old sugar trader? He didn't, his head came off. Let's have a look at him. So which one is
he? He constant optimist he was. It's just me. I'm covered in sores. Good boy, you are.
Get this man some limes. He's got scurvy. Oh don't put the, no I did that once.
Don't put the limes on the sores. I did that. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea.
There you go.
Margarita to him, boys.
Oh, fuck!
That's the spot.
So he tells them, and then they send him to a ship
owned by the same guy who owned the Betsy, the Shamrock.
So that seems lucky.
It seems like things are turning around.
Absolutely.
Only leave on Sundays.
So he tells the captain the story and the captain
sends word to US naval commanders in Mantanzas, also the Spanish governor and the ship owner. So
now everyone knows what happened. Now Daniel looks fucking horrifying. He said no one who
recognized him who knew him. That's how bad he looks. Quote, for I was reduced to a living skeleton.
A few sailors said they had never seen someone so emancipated and disfigured.
Emanciated.
He's not emancipated.
He's kind of emancipated.
Sorry.
Emanciated.
Both.
He's emancipated.
I'm my own man.
Yeah. So he's justcipated. I'm my own man.
Yeah, so he's just mean guys and they're like,
you look fucking, I've never seen anybody
that looks as fucking shit as you.
Like, this is crazy how bad you look.
Aside from the traveling wounds, right,
all the cuts and the fucking infections,
he was beaten up, so he's bruised on top of everything else.
He's got cuts everywhere from the beating.
He could barely see, right, he could barely see, right?
He can barely see, and the skin on his face had, quote,
peeled entirely off.
Now, I don't know what that means.
A lot of people pay a lot of money for that.
The skin on his face is off.
It's like a chem peel.
It's awesome.
He probably would believe that.
You want that. I bet he'd look, but in two weeks he's going to look unbelievable.
The wounds on his legs and feet smelled horribly from infection, and the Shamrock captain wrote,
quote, his feet are now swollen and blistered that he is scarcely able to walk.
But the Navy is still like, we got to get those pirates.
And they're not just going gonna let them heal here.
So they put them on board the USS Seagulf, which is a pirate hunting ship.
And they take Daniel's statement and they send that to DC.
And then he's put on a US schooner, the ferret, to look for pirates.
Dumbest name.
No, it's great.
Ferret out the pirates.
It's fantastic. Terrible. We great. Ferret out the pirates.
It's fantastic.
Terrible.
We finally found the thing that we love.
No.
Nope.
He mostly had to stay in bed the entire time
on the ship because of his condition.
And at one point,
Much like Hilton.
At one point the doctor's like,
I'm gonna have to cut this guy's feet off.
Because it stinks.
Above the ankle.
It's, they smell so bad.
It smells so bad I have to cut his feet off.
I think at some point, I just want the odor to go away.
It's a horrible smell.
But they end up not doing that.
At the same time, Daniel wants to find the fucking pirates who did this to him.
Sure.
Quote, as sick as I was, I had a strong desire to meet the inhuman murderers of my shipmates.
So he guides them back to that fisherman's cove,
but there's a storm.
And it stops them from passing over the reef.
So they're watching the huts and the fishermen,
but they can't get there.
And days go by, and they're just fucking sitting there
with the storm.
So anxious.
Waiting.
They search some nearby areas, but they're just waiting.
And Daniel's like, I just just want to go home at this point
After 21 days they give up Jesus because they need new provisions and they go back
And when they arrive at the port in Manson's ass
Daniel finds out a ship had found Charles Manuel the other guy running from the pirates. Mm-hmm
Daniel thought he was dead.
He just assumed he was dead
because they were so close to him.
And Charlie assumed Daniel was dead
because he looked at him too,
and he's like, oh, they're too close, that guy's dead.
Charlie had gone and hidden in swamps,
and then he came back to the beach
and stole a canoe from the guys
and just paddled out to sea at night.
And then he happened to just be found
by a Spanish ship that was cruising through,
and they took him to Havana but they put him in prison
because like this guy's, this guy's on a fucking canoe,
like he's up to no good.
He was on a canoe in the middle of nowhere, bad people.
So they lock him up in a prison
and then the Americans finally heard about it
and the US Navy commander went down and gets him released
and then Charlie corroborates Dale's story.'s stories, like that's exactly how it went down with
the cutting off of the heads and all the stuff.
Dale's too, now he's too sick to go back out and look for pirates.
So Charlie goes out on a boat and looks for pirates and they end up killing and capturing
several pirates.
They found 13 soldiers who were dead who had been tied to trees to die slowly.
And then they came across that black pirate ship, which Charlie I.D. is like, that's the
fuck, those are the guys who killed us.
They're my friends.
And the dog.
The dog, the last time I saw the dog was he was with, he was by his captain's body, like
whining.
That's classic dog. Last time I saw the dog was he was by his captain's body, like whining.
That's classic dog.
Classic dog.
It's like, dude, it's over.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
The dog's like, can't be all right.
The pirates?
Then when the pirates see the pirate chasing ship, they head to the closest island and
they all jump off their black ship and they disappear into the mangrove swamp.
So they can't chase them in there.
We already learned that with Charlie and Daniel.
But they take the ship and then they go and burn the fishermen's huts.
They do like a scorched earth thing on the fishermen and the pirates.
Good.
Daniel is sent back to Wissesget on the Shamrock, the lucky ship.
Nice.
And he gets there on August 2nd, 1825.
Soon after being home, he writes a narrative of his adventure.
Of course.
Calls...
Eventually performs it as a play.
Yes.
Called the Narrative of the Shipwreck of the Big Brig Betsy of Whiscacet, Maine and the
Murder of Five of Her Crew by Pirates on the coast of Cuba, December 1824 by Daniel Collins.
So he gives it all away in the title.
Yeah, as they always did back then.
They just never, they were never like breadcrumbs.
They were like, loaf them.
Yeah, the dangerous ship journey.
The time I almost died and saw Hilton get decapitated.
It's 50 pages, so pretty long for a sailor.
Doesn't get much attention. You'd think it would, but it doesn't because a similar thing had been published four years
before and that became an inspiration for Herman Melville's book, Moby Dick.
Wow.
So, there's a very similar sort of murdery pirate story.
Oh, and the exact same year and around the
exact same time that Daniel published his pamphlet, a story of a guy named Hugh Glass
surviving a bear attack came out and that was a big hit.
Bro, you can't compete with the goat.
No, there's no fucking way. It's like you put out like Amadeus when Star Wars comes
out. It's just not happening.
Yeah, right. It's even worse than that. It's like you put out like Amadeus when Star Wars comes out. It's just not happening. Yeah, right.
It's even worse than that.
It's like you put out like you were just like,
this is a, I put out space journey.
Or you put out space pirates when they put out Star Wars.
And you're like, that was a bad idea.
Yeah.
So it looks like Daniel never went back out to sea
cause you can imagine.
Wonder why.
Yeah. He became a farmer.
He got married in 1831 to Fanny Greenleaf.
Sure.
And then his brothers all married Greenleaf sisters.
Super normal.
Yep.
No, totally not creepy and weird at all.
That's how it works.
Yep.
Yep.
Daniels, Dale died on November 15th, 1885 at 84 years old.
He's buried in Sharon Cemetery if you want to visit him.
My dog's very upset.
Your dog's like, we're done with the story, celebrate.
Boy, that's crazy.
So the sources are Daniel's book and then another book
by Paul Brown, From a Blood-Red Sea,
The Last Voyage of Daniel Collins,
which is basically just a summary what Daniel wrote.
It's crazy.
Yeah, crazy, right?
Yeah, stressful.
Another stressful one.
He's like the ocean's hue, right?
Yeah, he is.
Yeah, he's ocean glass.
Yeah, he's ocean glass.
Sea glass.
Sea, yeah, that's good.
Sea glass, it's like a seagull.
Your hat's cool. Sea glass. It's like a seagull.
Your hat's cool.
Good stuff, sir.
All right.
Well, there you go, everybody.
So USA as always.
RIP, OJ.
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