The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 66 - The Past Times with Naomi Ekperigan
Episode Date: March 15, 2024Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian, writer, and podcaster Naomi Ekperigan for the third time. Redbubb...le Merch Factor - code TPT50
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All right, everybody.
Welcome to the Past Times podcast.
Each week we go through an old newspaper
from a random date in history picked out by Dave Anthony.
I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before
and neither is our guest this week.
Returning champion, fantastic human, Naomi Echparigan.
Naomi, thank you for joining us again.
What did I say?
The whitest people I know, the whitest people I trust.
I only show up for Dave and Gareth,? I don't want to hear from nobody else. Bless you. Thank you.
As we've already proclaimed, we are your whites and we are very proud. Thank- this
is your third? Yeah. Third, third. You might be in the lead, I think. This is huge. This is huge and so I
really feel like I want to keep it fresh for the listener.
But I did, do you know, do you know a white man came up to me and he goes, I heard you
on past times.
And I said, I'm in the upper echelon when a straight white man says, I heard you.
I said, thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See, that's what we're doing.
We're broadening your appeal and we should mention to all of our listeners, any color
and white that you
well, first of all, you work a shitload as we were just sort of bantering about pre show.
But people should go check out your half hour from the standups on Netflix.
You crush it. You're fantastic.
You're doing so much stuff.
So where can people follow you to?
Just because that's probably a good way to stay piped into the Naomi.
Yeah. Come visit me on Instagram at Black Dress Comedy. No, it's not's probably a good way to stay piped into the Naomi world.
Yeah.
Come visit me on Instagram at Blackdress Comedy.
No, it's not my name because I used to have a day job.
Okay.
And when I was the editor of Watercolor Magazine, I couldn't have a crossover in my worlds.
Wow.
So, Blackdress Comedy.
What a different time.
And a podcast, Couples Therapy, Dave and I have been on it.
Absolutely.
One of my favorite couples, the two of you, working through it day by day. Thank you. Every day. Every day is a pride. Every day is a...and a...well, let's just call it a journey. Every day is a journey. But real quick, I do have to give Dave Anthony his flowers for the Chris Ruffo episode.
Because let me tell you why I like what you be doing, Dave.
Okay?
Because I have a real problem with progressive or liberal white folks, particularly parents,
people who have chosen to bring humans into the world, and don't want to do any work to
make that world better for said humans.
That's a big, shut up with your damn lawn sign talking about in this household, we believe
science is black like nada, but you don't want to go nowhere.
I need you pulling a Dave Anthony at the school board.
Okay.
I need you rolling the tape.
I need you calling out the fascists because you just sitting around here.
You just sitting around here with your kids,
but you don't want to do nothing.
There was a study where, you know,
80% or some number of parents said that they believe
that the world is like worse for their children.
Yeah.
So then what you doing?
So then what you doing?
No, it's so fucking crazy.
They're not doing anything.
This is what my problem is.
You know, me and Gareth, we know what's up.
We said no children for us. because we said it's too much.
We said we don't have our firm.
We wanted to just put a sign in our yard and leave it there.
And we have every right to do that.
But if you have kids, I think that all the time when I talk to parents who I'm like,
well, what the fuck?
What's your plan?
Look, I can still take mine out.
Take the parents out. You mean kill them?
No, the kid at any time.
I can not have a kid tomorrow. You know what I mean?
Not in Alabama. You can't do that in Alabama anymore.
Right, that's right.
But you know, Finn knows that and that's part of what puts a fire under his ass.
You know, because now you do have a white male child.
So he's got to do a little extra work.
But you're setting that groundwork.
And that's what I appreciate day.
Finna like John Connor and Terminator.
Like Dave slowly grooming the next site.
Like I cannot imagine what that kid is going to be like.
But look, he's a little bit more reasonable than me because they're just Which is good. The guy that's running in our district, the fascist,
we were driving past a sign and I looked at it and I said,
I should paint a swastika on that.
And Finn goes,
Dad, you can't paint a swastika on something.
And I was like, he goes, he just can't.
He goes, write fascists or something,
but you can't paint a swastika.
I like that we're at the point where he's,
everyone around you sort of negotiates with
you in a way that I and all your other friends do.
They're like, Dave, look, you can write fascists, but you can't put a swastika.
You can't put a swastika.
Look, somebody beat us to it and drew a dick.
So everybody's a winner.
Okay, everybody wins that way.
You know, that's beautiful.
A swastika. Naomi, what year do you think this stupid newspaper is going to be from?
I'll go first just to help you.
OK, I'm going to guess that it's going to be.
Nineteen fifty two.
Very interesting.
I was going to say 1915.
One five one. OK, here we go.
One of you is three years away.
It's going to be a person is, of course, not Gareth.
It is 1912. Damn it.
Good work. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, 12 damn it good work
okay even though i have gutted i do feel like i've been bested and beaten all right yeah you have
uh it is uh november 21st 1912 it is the monticello uh monticello nian out of ark, out of Monticello, Arkansas.
Who doesn't love Monticello, Arkansas?
I'll go ahead and say I don't.
Well, come on.
Page one, Arkansas Boys Record,
makes new record and wins many prizes.
Wait, is this a record breaking a record?
This is a record, Arkansas Boys Record
is the first headline
and then the second in line.
Makes new record and wins many prizes.
It's a lot of record.
It's all one thing.
It's a broken record.
The broken record is now a new record.
And when you break the record, you get prizes.
You know what?
Arkansas is giving exactly what I expect from them
when it comes to word order, syntax, and clarity.
I agree.
And this headline broke the record for using the word record.
It did. So the following is at a Hot Springs,
a record of the possibilities of an Arkansas farm.
The boy who made this record, a hundred and seventy two.
They say record again. I'm going to kill somebody.
I'll tell you what it is. A record. Yeah, yeah.
The boy who made this record, 172, two thirds bushels of corn on one acre
did his work under great physical difficulties while he was now 18 years old.
He is the size of an average boy of 13 or 14 years.
We're doing it.
Wait, so is the record that he planted that much corn
or did he harvest that? He harvested 172 and two thirds bushels of corn from one acre.
So that's the record. Right. And then the other thing that's exciting about this is
that though he's 18, he looks, he has the size of a 13 year old. He's slight. He's a
slight boy with a freakish strength.
That's what we're learning.
That's a record.
And a lot of corn.
A lot of corn.
Five years ago, Willie Brown was-
When he was 13 and appeared to be six.
Okay, that's right.
When he was 13, five years ago, Willie Brown was acting as janitor of a country church in
Ashley County and suffered a severe injury by a gasoline explosion. Jesus, Jesus Christ.
First of all, he's 13 already working like a 75 year old man. He's a janitor. He's coming out at
night. He's scaring children, telling stories. And then what? He was burned over half his body.
Yes. I think this is the Freddy Krueger origin story.
Young Brown was left a cripple, one foot badly injured in spite of these physical
difficulties, he has established a new record in Arkansas and possible in the entire southwest.
Oh, boy. Wow. I mean, think about it, though.
A hundred seventy two bushels with one foot.
And looking like you're 13.
That's huge actually. Good for Willie Brown. Good for Willie.
Yeah. And I would gather that he...
My guess would be the reason why he looks so young is because he's been partially, you know, burned slight.
Yes. You know what I mean? He's been...
Slightened by a gas explosion.
Yeah, slightened.
The explosion slightened me a bit.
He's shinier than other people.
Yes.
Tinnier and shinier.
Taut skin.
His report to the government agent is complete
and shows that the expense of raising this acre of corn,
which produced 172 bushels was 14
to 10 cents a bushel.
So that's like 14 to 10 cents.
14 and two slash slash 10.
Oh, and two tenths of a cent to 10 cents.
Yeah.
First of all, one fifth.
Okay.
First of all, one.
Okay.
Thank you. Second. That's not money. One fifth of a, first of all, one fifth. OK, thank you. Second.
That's not money.
One fifth of a cent doesn't count as a cent.
So I don't know what we're doing here.
Unless you unless you sell a bunch of bushels.
Five bushels. That adds up every five bushels is another cent.
Yeah. OK, math dads.
The point is, all right, the point is that this is a comeback story.
And while to us that many bushels of corn doesn't seem impressive,
this is 1912. So this is this is this is their this is their version
of a movie where a young kid comes from a horrible situation.
Yeah. For Notre Dame. Yeah. OK.
I would say this is their Rudy.
This is Free Willy for Colin Willy Brown.
Corn town.
That's the thing we can do.
This is a biopic.
This is a biopic.
We love it.
Corn town.
The work of planting and cultivating
was done by young Brown and the corn was gathered.
By the way, this story is over.
I can't believe that.
Let's walk through the seeds.
We're good.
It was weighed by three disinterested neighbors okay I
would you okay disinterested was the word of choice three of them three nobody
of them rolling their eyes yeah I could be inside reading so leave me alone okay
I don't care what Willie Brown did today
How many are in there shut up you 18 year old weirdo?
You 13 year old 18 year old whatever
Among the prizes one my what good
Among the prizes won this year by young Brown are seventy dollars in money from the Ashley County Fair a hundred dollars
Seventeen dollars in money I get let me tell you what I don't need the in money part
Well, I don't know Garrett that can give you seventeen dollars in friendship just a little
$17 and weed I in weed, I guess.
Yeah, it's like I assume it's money and told differently.
He also on $100 cash by Congressman Goodwin,
a free trip to Washington and return.
Oh, they're going to send it back.
He gets the command.
It's a round trip.
Imagine if they did it one way.
A $50 premium offered by a seeding company and of course, in a state
agriculture and of course, in a state agriculture college.
So that's a lot for just making corn.
Yeah, that's a really good collect.
I mean, that's a lot to win.
It's a good haul. Yeah.
It's a good harvest. Good harvest.
He got $117 in money in money in 1912.
More than that, because another 50 so I got a hundred
Yeah, so yeah
Okay, Willie Brown, I bet you Willie Brown got a wife after that they said I'm a
Rich
My man be having corn
You find yourself a fellow with a lot of corn
God it's just simpler times. He's the corn magnate. He's gonna try for four acres next year. Wow
ambitious
Okay, we got to find that 1913 paper when I come back here. We're doing 1913
The whole paper is garbage, but we do have an update. He did it. Oh, boy.
20 minutes till the ad.
Fire Insurance Company rejoices while Kansas Man is much depressed.
OK, sounds right. Sounds right.
I'm following. This is out of Kansas City, Missouri.
The absence of a comma in an insurance contract
cost a Kansas City man $7,000.
Oh, wow.
Oh, no.
This is a key comma.
Yeah. Had the comma been placed after one word in the contract, Sidney Smith would have received
the money. The court decided it would have punctuated the sentence differently.
And as a result, Smith is $7,000 out.
That's a lot of money back then.
The suit was to collect payment for the loss of grain destroyed on a sidetrack near an
elevator.
The sentence in the contract read, grain in cars on sidetrack within 100 feet of elevator
Smith contended the sentence should read grain and cars on sidetrack within 100 feet of
the elevator. So the commas after track. Oh, because I don't know about the court said
it should read grain and cars comma on sidetrack within 100 feet of the elevator.
I sort of got if I was on the jury, I would jump out the window the second.
I can't do this.
It's just like dealing with health insurance. Exactly.
I was like, yeah, this is what they do.
Now it's like, I'm sorry, actually, you didn't tell us the spleen
was in your body when you got into the hospital so there's no way to prove that your
spleen is now missing because we don't know now you're in a misplaced coma
which is unfortunate but that's the risk you run when you decide to get sick I'm
sorry you can't get an MRI because the commas in the wrong place. Because you refer to it as Mr. I.
The court's view of it was that the cars must be within 100 feet of the elevator while the
defendant held that so long as they were on a sidetrack, no matter how far away.
Just so the track within 100 feet of the elevator, the law should be paid.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, the judge was just working for the insurance company.
Oh, definitely. You know the judge pocketed $1,000 and was like The judge, the judge was just working for the insurance company. Oh, definitely.
You know, the not surprising a thousand dollars and was like, no, we don't have
to give him seven, I just take a thousand and we'll just do it.
She said thousand dollars in money.
And a one way ticket to Washington.
You're not coming back judge.
Yeah.
As honestly, that might be the toughest article I've heard on this podcast.
I was like, at no point was I trying to figure out what was happening.
I just earlier was like, I'm not going to do it.
Thank God.
Naomi's here.
Here's the headline.
Drown self in well.
Whoa.
Prove that.
Who do you?
Who tells you that?
Yeah, I did. I drowned.
This is on Ozark. Miss Richard Pittus, I think it's Pittus, about, I can't read how much, how old she is. Just a zero. The other part's missing.
She was zero.
So she's about zero years old.
She's about zero years old. Now zero. Yeah.
Living in Pleasant Hill arose from her bed and leaving the house jumped headfirst into the well.
Head first.
Thank you. What are we talking about?
Who saw it? Who was there?
Yeah, I need a name.
She was seen by a neighbor.
Not just a neighbor, not an interested neighbor.
Holy shit. What did she just do?
It's it's known as the neighbor who threw the lady in the well.
Is what this is.
Why? Right.
There's she didn't dive in the well.
This guy. Yeah.
Well, then I come out and I reckon I'd seen her up there
ready to jump right through it like a dove.
She died right in it.
I said, well, boy, that's a crazy move.
She had drowned before she could be gotten out of the well.
And first really pretty much let you know everything you need to know.
At first, she's not coming back.
She's not coming back.
She drowned in two inches of water.
Miss Pitts has been believed to be insane for the past month,
but of her lay condition was thought to have been better.
She had a bad spell.
And after recovering somewhat, she plunged herself into the well.
Saturday morning. Jesus Christ. OK.
So this is something I'm obsessed with.
You know, women who are allegedly like crazy or hysterical, you know,
and olden times.
Yes.
I have the feeling that they probably just wanted
some pants and money.
And no one let them.
No one let them.
It's so true that the bar for what
the men writing the history were like,
she was out of her mind, wanting to vote
and be treated with respect.
She's crazy.
She's a rocker.
I know in my time, I've been in an argument with someone I've been dating and they've
been rational.
I've been like, you're being crazy.
That is like, and it doesn't go well.
Back then you were just like, they're all crazy.
They won't let us drink whiskey and shove them.
This one wants to go outside. They're all crazy. They won't let us drink whiskey and shove them.
This one wants to go outside. They're crazy.
Telling me what to do and not cooking for me.
She's out of her mind.
This woman just wants a tampon, okay?
She wants the ability to easily handle her situation.
Asking me to hose her thigh blood off.
What a lunatic.
What did she do?
What did she do? Jesus Christ. Good Lord. Asking me to hose her thigh blood off
Good Lord God, but no her neighbor. Yeah, her neighbor fully killed her and I wonder if like maybe she and her neighbor were having a side little thing
I wouldn't surprise me if he was diving headfirst into her well
Yeah, well hello and then and then he was like he and then he was like let's be you know
She was like, let's be a couple. He said absolutely not. I'm gonna throw you down the well. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna throw you down the well
Yeah, and first but truthfully, I want it to be a dive
I just want to imagine someone like yay you nobody jumps in a well head first
You're thrown in a well head first. You can't physically do it. You could die. No, it's it's very hard to do. Right. So it's like there's no way which is why it's funny that like
one person saw it. We all know how it goes because if you've ever seen an above ground pool
illustration of what happens if you dive in the three foot end, it's not good. Right. It's very
neck. Very. All those illustrations I'd be looking at, Gareth. I'd just be reading illustrations.
I'd say, what's happening next?
I love it.
I sit down sometimes.
I'll just go outside and just read an illustration book.
Just a bunch of do not signs.
I love that stuff.
Well, I like the idea that perhaps the dollop only
exists because you actually are illiterate,
so it requires that Dave reads you items.
You know, because you
do like to talk about how you didn't pay attention in school. And so I don't know how deep that
goes, Garrett. I don't know how deep that goes.
I don't know what would be better. The fact that I was literate and just chose to never
do. I was saying that to someone the other day, the fact I would literally go to school
and like I would watch other kids be like, did you do this? I'd be like, no. And I'd watch their face be like, but you have to.
Chose not to.
But I'll tell you what I did do was watch the same
saved by the bell last night.
So watch one that I've seen eight times again.
And I didn't do that work.
Governor Donahue enforces law. Okay, okay. We're talking about a politician doing their job. Got a bad
feeling about what's coming next.
Notwithstanding the serious protest made by the State Baptist Association
Uh oh
Oh boy
By the State Baptist Association to prevent auto races being held on the Oak Lawn track
here Sunday and the presence of Governor George Donahue and General Green, head of the state
militia who made a hurried trip from Little Rock to see that the law was enforced.
The program was carried out in full.
So you're not allowed to have races.
And yet there's a racetrack.
I believe in Arkansas, they still don't want to have other races.
I don't know if I'm mistaken.
Yeah, that's correct.
I believe last.
I had to take a quick trip. The governor said I gotta get down. I got to get down there and make sure there are no other races.
Oh, thank God.
And auto rate.
Who for a moment, you don't even want to believe what I was thinking.
Oh, my heart skipped.
I almost went head first in a well when I heard there was a race down here.
No admission was charged for the races.
And the fact that there was a free gate lost the state fair association,
which had contracted with the American automobile association
to hold races for nearly five thousand.
That's a bad sentence. But basically,
what they're saying is, is that there was no gate charge.
So people could just go in and they had, it was a contract for $5,000, whatever.
I don't know.
So by the way, they're like, we spent money to hold the race, but we made no money from
set race.
Right.
Well, we was not sure about how you make the money back.
Sorry about that Governor Donahue. I suppose in looking back, we probably
didn't understand how commerce actually functions.
As long as everybody here is beautiful and white, I'll allow it. I'll allow it if I'm
seeing white faces.
Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that, sir. We made a sure on that one.
Ain't no races here. I mean, there are races.
Hold on.
Oh, boy, we're in a real who's on first, Governor Donahue.
Surely before the first event started,
officials of the Fair Association
made an announcement in all parts of the grounds,
requesting those present to contribute the amount they
would have paid.
Hilarious.
To contribute the amount they would have paid. Hilarious. To contribute the amount they would have paid
as an admission.
I mean, let me.
They passed the hat.
I can't tell you.
They passed the hat.
How quickly my no would come out of my mouth.
Like, the question would be,
would it be followed by like a fuck you or get out?
I kind of be like, no, no, no.
Nope.
See, what I am is here, okay?
So no. Already. what I am is here, OK? So no.
Already.
Just before you guys leave, just here's a pack.
We're passing around just any of the races you enjoyed tonight,
whatever you can give.
What you think is fair.
What do you think is fair for the races that you've seen?
All right, look, the hat's empty.
Guy, listen.
21 Lone Citizens took up a collection and close to a thousand dollars was collected. Shocking.
Wow.
That's actually pretty impressive.
When the governor declared no admission could be charged, many thought the races were off.
Hundreds of persons had come from Little Rock, Pine Bluff, Conway, and surrounding towns.
A majority of those returned to their homes on the train, leaving at 130.
I'm sorry. Does somebody have a word count?
They're trying to meet because they're giving a lot of information
that does not pertain to story talk about.
And it was over. And then they got on a train.
And then that train took off at 1 35 p.m.
Right. And to chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chug,
chug.
I think I can.
I think I can.
Oh, we heard the train say.
So Governor, Governor Dunhey also went on the same train when he reached Hot Springs
he sent for officials of the Fair Association and informed them that he would stop the races if an admission were charged.
There is no law to prevent racing when the event is free.
The governor said he would have prevented the races altogether if he could have.
So it's the same reason that I'm unable to open a bar in my backyard as much as I've tried.
I don't have all that paperwork.
The chief executive was bitterly condemned by many fears interference.
It was declared that governor Donahue had been given a wrong
impression of the state fair in the telegram sent by the Baptist
Convention.
Oh the Baptist.
Okay, it's a break can doubt for me, Dave.
So so basically that's not the law.
And but the Baptist sent a telegram to the governor saying that was the law.
And everyone's like, that's not the laws.
And so he tried to stop it and they didn't charge admission.
And everyone was like, the governor's got you got you.
There it is. There it is.
A Baptist prank a Baptist prank
Baptist prank colon governor's an asshole that should have been the
governor's an asshole Gareth we are of course
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Hey, here's a headline since this is a show, but this head factor is great.
We'll now back to the program.
Former legislator escapes.
This is at Texas.
Slipping into a toilet compartment, locking the door and dropping from the window.
I'm Poudini.
There he is.
I've been waiting for somebody to wake up with a pun.
There it is, baby.
Oh, boy.
What are we doing?
A legislature David Blades out of a bathroom.
This is also what Ted Cruz did when it was Cancun time.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Locking the door, dropping from the window while the train was slowly
moving down the suburbs of Amarillo.
Former Oklahoma legislator Oliver Aiken and author of a famous bill
providing for cutting off a number of state schools.
Made it made good his escape
from Sheriff Ike Sales while being taken back to Oklahoma
to stand trial for allegedly writing bad checks.
I think he did it.
Yeah.
Safe to say, safe to say, you know,
when you're jumping from a moving train,
the stakes are high.
You know that-
He should have tried to dive into the toilet head first.
He dream jumped head first out of a moving train.
Did not survive. May I ask a question?
A toilet, a toilet area on a train in 1912.
That's a bucket.
I'm not excited for what that tech is.
It's I'm I'm guessing that it goes.
Yeah, it goes straight onto the tracks.
That's right. Like it's a hole and maybe over the hole.
Yeah, that, by the way, is pretty much what a Greyhound bus is dealing with.
I'm not kidding. It is like the bat, the toilet on a ground bus.
You're like, I didn't know it went that far down.
It is full on like 30 feet where you're like, Oh my God, there's a boy in there.
He's like, I couldn't pay for my ticket. I just don't tell anyone.
Throw me food. Jesus. Hell. This is out of New Jersey. Wife is too beautiful.
This is out of New Jersey. Wife is too beautiful.
Well, someone's getting laid.
Honey, I wrote an article about you.
Sorry I fondled your sister at the party the other night, but I think this might be a good comeuppance.
Would you mind if I took off my pants first?
Hello?
Before I begin reading it.
Look, Barbara, they wrote an article about you.
Now quit demanding things you want and give me a blowjob.
Blowy.
Jersey City Dave, just saying blowy to the air.
Unacceptable. I agree.
Because his wife, Buxom, middle-aged and mother of six children, is, quote,
so beautiful, it is dangerous for her to go out alone.
Wow.
James Friar is said to have slashed her clothing into ribbons.
Okay, shut up.
Okay.
Do you see what I'm talking about?
And this is why women might have a bad spell.
This is why she might have a rough month.
He fully said, I want you to give me six kids,
but I don't want you out in these streets
because people be out here selling you pretty
and I can't have that.
So I'm gonna slash all your clothes to ribbons.
That is just abuse.
What are we saying?
It started so oddly sweet for this era.
And then immediately is violent.
He slashed her clothes.
Literally, wife too beautiful being the headline is hysterical.
Because that's really not the information.
Talk about burying the lead.
It is also when they say, I don't think they're being hyperbolic when they're like
she can't walk down the street like because dudes are literally like I'm gonna grab your
tits.
Like like she couldn't and instead of him being like honey listen we got to maybe we
figure instead he's like I want to slash your clothes for looking like this.
Exactly.
I thought it was gonna fully be like oh she has to be escorted everywhere she goes,
which, you know, is its own creepy control,
but at least that would be in the vein
of trying to protect her from attackers.
But this was, well, hey, why don't you just
wear, be half naked?
Because see, now everything's slashed.
So what's gonna happen when she walking around the street
with holes in a butt?
Well, she can't go out now, right?
Is that what he's trying to do? Of course, you can't go anywhere. You can't go anywhere because everything's with holes in a butt. Well, she can't go out now, right? That's is that what he's trying to do?
Of course. You can't go anywhere.
You can't go anywhere because everything's got holes in it.
So now she just has to stand in her house naked.
And he's like, that's better.
This is what I was after.
My bucks and wife.
I love my wife.
It's sick.
So sick. This is so sick.
Is there anything else?
Does he go to jail? Yes.
Before the judge, Ms.
Fire said her husband had locked her fine clothing in a chest, having five padlocks.
She said the judge.
Yeah, this guy's.
Can we just take our hat off to a good, good padlock budget?
I mean, it's nice to see they're doing well.
But the judge rules that this man really loves you. Wait, no, he
didn't though. No, the judge put the case over for a week. You
know, there's not, it's very confusing what's happening here
because all I hear is that this... Everybody's rational and that's what's so difficult for me to weigh in on.
Well, I actually
cannot come to a conclusion because this woman is so beautiful I am now confused.
I cannot look at you. I'm sorry. That beautiful bastard has distracted me again. You there!
Beauty devil! Leave! Bailiff cut up her dress! Perhaps I could figure out how I felt about this if you came and sat on my lap.
Would that be okay with everybody? Just to sort of... No? Getting a... Okay.
Well, how does that feel on the judge's lap?
Well, you're a cute one, aren't you?
Uh-oh! The judge's gavel is where?
I'm about to ribbon my robe.
I'm cutting my own judge's robe.
OK, boys.
Guilty!
Who's guilty?
Your honor is.
Glad you're here, Naomi.
And Naomi, is it possible that when we record the dollop,
you could just have it on live?
And if we need to
Just come with like an alright boys
There's times where I'm like, well, I don't think we're allowed to be here right now. But here we are
I'll come and I go rap it
We're good. We're good boy. I'm like, okay this bit has gone too far
This is gone too far for gentlemen
And then when Dave starts to yell too much, I go, Dave, Dave, you scaring him.
You scaring him, Dave.
God, if you weren't busy.
If you weren't busy, I would offer you the role.
Oh my God, I would love to be the Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the develop.
All right, boys. All right. We're good.
It's time for Dave's pill.
Chicken. Great start.
Gives chickens cement diet. Oh, bad ending.
Oh, yeah. Chicago.
Chicago. Joseph Schubert admitted the charge of his landlord that his chickens
were eating the cement floor under his store.
But he said they laid hard shelled eggs because of their diet.
This is that's not scubbiage.
This is a joke.
I don't know.
I don't think they joke in Monticello, Arkansas
Well, this is Chicago, but the newspaper would put the joke in would he now they'd be like real news
Okay. Yeah, this is crazy. So the chicken cuz I actually don't think a chicken can eat cement I think I can eat the cement it would be dead. I agree. Well, this is
1912 they used to eat all kinds of cement Dave makes a good point, too. I agree. Well, this is 1912. They used to eat all kinds of cement.
Dave makes a good point too.
I don't know who that is.
Ha ha ha.
Gary, you ain't a damn bit of help.
Listen to his ass talking about,
well, that sounds right to me as well.
I'll allow it.
Ha ha ha.
Overruled.
Woman gets $500 for a smile.
What? OK, is this a book some wife?
Is it a box of wife again?
Feast or famine in this era?
This is out of London.
Oh, so. So not the same one.
No. Right.
Among the quests by the late Miss Alice Johns Hodges of Chelms Ford Essex is one of $500
to Miss Walker, wife of a cashier at the local branch of the Capitol and County's bank.
Okay. Miss Walker received the legacy simply for smiling pleasantly at Miss Hodges as they left church.
Interesting. Oh, boy. Wow.
I think this is you know what? This is propaganda trying to get you to be nice to rich people because they're like, well, if you would just smile more.
This is a woman telling another woman to smile more.
That's what happened here. It was be nice. Stop being rude.
And then it's like, well, she gave me five hundred dollars for being nice. See, you should be nice to smile more. That's what happened here. It was be nice, stop being rude, and then it's like, well, she gave me $500 for being nice.
See, you should be nice to rich people.
It's a good take.
I also would posit that it could be financial lesbianism.
Okay, what is that, Gareth, go on.
That's where because of the era,
you gotta be careful because you'll be considered a heretic and a lunatic and
they'll put a bag over your head and make you ride a horse in
the middle of nowhere alone. So instead of being able to act
upon our emotions of being attracted to this woman, she's
rich as she's just like, he is 500.
I see. I see. I've done it. gift between lovers. Have you?
Actually, you know what? I wish you labeled me a fuckboy. You See I've done it a gift between lovers
You labeled me a fuck boy, you know how I do it. Mm-hmm. I remember I remember
Never forget. I remember
Come on your podcast and you just a cost me
label There's like nothing I love more than telling people my perception of them.
Like not that it's right, but I just am like, okay, so we have a parasocial relationship
and you know nothing about me.
Let me tell you what I have gathered.
And it's one of those ones too where like a couple of people would come up to me after
show and be like, see, you are a fuck boy.
I'm like, all right, Naomi is allowed.
You do not know me.
I am a fuck man.
Yeah, yeah.
I have a fuck father, actually.
I have a fuck boy. Oh.
Oh, God. Oh, my fuck son.
Um, Miss Walker received the legacy simply for smiling pleasantly
in Miss Hodges as they left church when told of her good fortune.
She said she used to sit near Miss Hodges in church. And as they came out, she smiled at her in exchange to flip a few pleasant words.
So everybody hated Miss Hodges.
I think it has to be right.
Yeah, nobody was talking to her.
Nobody was smiling.
And she was like, someone should have something.
Yeah. Yeah, it's a have something. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a beautiful story.
You're right.
And what it is again is about taxing the rich.
That's that's the story is. Yeah.
That's all I do.
Pay your share.
Here's a great headline.
New fabric is delightful.
Yes. 1912.
You ain't got nothing.
What are you?
What are you going to be new fabric?
Almost regal in their loveliness are the new evening fabrics
for the coming winter season.
And particularly true is this of the broke
BROCADED.
Brocadie.
Brocadies. Brocadis?
Brocadis? Well, it's obviously a hit. It's a trend that's stuck for a while.
Brocade. Brocade.
Brocade? Brocaded.
Brocaded Velvets. Do you know what brocaded means?
No, I just know it's like a style.
Okay.
For splendor of coloring and riches of designs and variety they are unequaled
And then just goes on and on about the
Just goes on and on and on about the fabrics. We're gonna move on cuz what the fuck just happened. Okay. Hey
Hey Frank, you're gonna I want you to handle the three-car pile up Jimmy Could you write up something about a fabric? It would be an honor
Notice
Notice my field is posted and I will positively not allow anyone to hunt insane
Do not ask me for I will be compelled to refuse you. I like going to the paper.
I like going to the paper for this one.
But what signs, right?
Yeah, signs around here.
Every now and then. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, go to page three.
Hey, it says no trespassing.
Boat cuts whale in two.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
What are we just talking about?
Free Willy.
You were.
Oh, that's terrible.
Of all the fish yarns brought to this port recently, the one brought in by the coasting schooner,
James Bruce, is a prize winner.
Why, I tell you, I got something that'll make you never want to go back out on the seas again.
We've gone through a whale.
Have you ever cut a whale in two like Moses parted into Red Sea?
Jesus, this guy's got a yarn.
Moreover, it is true, and there is further evidence than the mere word of the jolly sea dogs that
their ship ran into and killed a huge whale.
As opposed to a small whale.
What's a jolly sea dog?
I think those are the guys on board.
Are those manatees?
Oh, are they?
Or no, sea cow is a manatees. Oh, are they or does see cows a manatee?
Seek how is manatee, but that's like see dog is like just a word for like a dude on a ship
That's what you say to your ship home. You're like, what's up? See Doug? Listen. I boys
We're gonna get that say oh no, we cut a whale in half
we cut a whale in half.
Portions of the carcass of the unfortunate mammal were still visible on the forecastle and head gear of the schooner
when she came in the other day.
Huge pieces of blubber dangled from the stays and parts of the foraging.
I think they fucking exploded the whale.
Yeah, they will.
They loaded the whale.
But like nobody could like get the blubber chunks off. Like I'm talking about somebody bend over and just kind of knock it off using or do something
I mean just imagine seeing a ship come in like half blubbered you'd be like the hell what's going on? I got a story for you
I got a story for you.
That's right.
Tell them blubber beard.
It was sailing along at a lively clip when suddenly the shock ran through the vessel.
Oh boy.
The impact was not sharp or heavy enough to have been caused
by collision with another craft and the crew is bidding beginning to believe that it had passed over a submarine
disturbance when the lookout came dashing aft over the deck to give them
the surprising news that the ship had struck a whale.
Quote, he must have been sleeping or maybe he was dead.
This guy. Listen, your lookout, your job is to notice the stuff.
We don't, we have a pitch guy.
We don't need you pitching.
Right.
Very tired.
He had his eyes were closed and then I thought I thought I heard snores anyway.
Except wait, but you guys, aren't you surprised that an old timey boat
could even stand up to a whale?
Like, I feel like a 1912 ship should have splintered into a bunch of pieces.
Am I wrong? Yeah, it should split them into.
No, I agree.
And it seems very they have metal ships at this point.
It wouldn't just be wood.
OK, so it's high quality is what we're saying back then.
High quality. It could have done it. Yeah,
this this. Yeah, this. This is like a like really well put
together ship it had to have been. All right, Dave. I mean,
you weren't there. Like, he's like always here for big ship
always the ship side. No, no, go ahead Dave.
Go ahead.
Maybe it was a really thin whale.
Okay Dave, yeah maybe it was sleeping.
Fucking asshole.
It was a skinny sleeping whale.
You know those.
Come on guys, the boat couldn't do nothing about it.
Jesus Dave.
I can't speak for both of us when I say
why don't you just suck the ship's dick already.
Good God.
It's crazy.
Yes, he does speak for me.
Gareth does speak for me.
And this one is absolutely I don't even need to ask you for the cosign.
I can see you're on board.
Oh, on board.
Oh, shut up, Dave.
I am not.
You're about to do it again. Shut up.
You're way people.
Get a get a room with your boat.
Arrested for dogs tricks.
Wow. This is from Philadelphia.
This is a good headline.
This is a headline that keeps you wanting more.
Go ahead.
Because his train dog performed tricks in Broad Street station
and caused a crowd to collect author Randale of 1918 written
House Street was arrested and arraigned before magistrate track.
He was discharged after being reprimanded. Rittenhouse Street was arrested and arraigned before magistrate track.
He was discharged after being reprimanded.
So he played. He had a dog doing tricks and there's a crowd. And they're like, arrest them.
You're not allowed to crowd up.
Was he black?
This is really giving young black boys selling lemonade
because it's like, what is so wrong?
His dog was being a cute dog and people stopped to watch the cute dog.
Like, come on. Yeah.
No, I think you're right.
It's one of those questions that really
changes the comedic vibe of the story for me.
I didn't really have anything necessarily to sink my teeth into,
but I'll just sort of I'm just going to back off a little bit now.
Good idea, Whitey.
Randall went into the station with his pet water spaniel on a leash.
Water spaniel.
Who does it sound like a whale, Dave?
Shut up. Stop with the ship stuff.
When his pet began to display the more than ordinary acquirements of the dog a special
policeman horn horn demanded that the exhibition cease and it was upon this ultimatum that
the policeman and the owner of the dog took issue a lively argument followed which resulted
in the arrest of Randall.
Wow. So gets taken from the train station
because he made a crowd gather
because his dog was doing tricks,
takes him into the police station,
then the spaniel will not stop doing tricks
and then he argues with the cop about it
and then he gets arrested.
Yep.
Yeah, well it just shows you the cops even back then had a ton of stuff to do.
It must have been the end of the month.
They had a quota to fill.
They were like, we got to write some tickets.
We got around some people up.
It's the 28th and we just need to do something because my thing is like, it's 1912.
What else do people have to do something. Because my thing is like, it's 1912. Like what else do people have to do?
Like that's like 1912. If I saw a dog doing tricks, I would stop what I was doing and watch forever.
What else is there to see? This is amazing. Yeah, that is so true. This is the era where
if a man walked backwards, people were like, drop what you're doing, we'll make a week of it.
You see a dog, a water spaniel doing tricks and you're like, whoa.
He's like a crowd.
Come on guys, go watch paint.
And then they get into the police station and the dogs like walking, doing like a handstand
and the cops like tell him to knock it off.
He's under arrest.
Quit resisting.
Quit resisting.
Quit resisting.
So this is just one sentence and the headline is impossible.
So Naomi, sometimes I feel like these newspapers
would talk directly to someone.
I think this is one of those cases.
Some people are in the prime of their life at 50,
but you can't make a woman of 30 believe it. Wow.
Jesus, dude.
Just have the argument at home.
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
OK, he was rejected at the saloon.
He was rejected at a local saloon,
and he had something to say.
Uh-huh.
Yep.
That's good.
That is good, man.
Is that it?
What do you mean?
Is that the article?
Yeah, that was just one.
That's good.
That's fun.
I wish we could do that now.
I mean, if people read newspapers, like that one for me, like obviously in a world
where you could like message someone instantly, I like the idea of a public DM just being like you should some of us are trying our best
Cheryl Andy you should do that to Andy you should take out a little blurb in an article some passive aggressive stuff
only communicate through Facebook
Public posts public only yeah
Gold drove her to her death
Sure, I think it was another murder. It was a man. Yeah, yeah
Council Grove Kansas worry over her inability to find
$3,000 in gold which she knew to be buried in an iron pot on her farm,
is believed to have caused a fit of despondency, which led to the suicide.
This is home.
This is when you bury treasure in your own yard.
This is how most squirrels' lives go, too, where squirrels bury enough nuts to last forever
and then they never go pick.
But this woman buried a bunch of gold in her yard and then consulted her treasure map and
was like, no, for the rest of her short life.
Or was it a murder?
Go ahead, Naomi.
It was a murder, right?
How?
Well, I must...
Okay.
First of all, Gareth, I don't know what you know about squirrels
Okay, cuz now you're sounding like Dave and boats like you just have some sort of knowledge about don't both my
Don't Dave my gareth. No, okay
But I'm gonna say this what happened she had
$3,000 and she was like, I'm a bury here. I'm gonna tell you some man came and dug up that money
Stole it from her.
It was stolen from her.
And then and then he and then he killed her.
And then he was like, and then he was like, she went head first into the shovel.
Another well death.
That's right.
Yeah, it's pretty plausible.
That's my theory.
To be honest.
I mean, getting away with murder back then was just and I mean this with all
due respect to everyone killed by a pleasure.
It was just a pleasure.
It was just so easy.
You just murder someone and just be like, yeah, he has heart fell out of his body.
They'd be like, God damn, there's a lot of that going around.
It's like so great because you could just literally walk away, get on a train, go 10
miles away and you're just a whole new person too.
Yeah.
That's the best part because you'd be like, oh no, my name is Sally now.
I don't know anything about that situation.
I'm a skydiver.
They're like, wow, welcome.
Here's a whole nobody here will ever know you.
God, it would have been better.
So you're a skydiver and there aren't planes yet?
From balloons, you fool!
This idiot's outed himself while trying to out another.
Albedo's a boat fetish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What a fool.
So not being able to find the
part of gold caused a fit of despondency, which led to the suicide here.
A lot of leprechauns go like this, by the way.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The leading cause of suicide leprechauns go like this, by the way. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. The leading cause of suicide in Leprechauns.
Yep.
Have you guys seen Leprechaun back to the hood or Leprechaun in the hood?
Yes.
Yes.
It's very fun because he does rap at the end and he goes, Lep in the hood up to no good.
And I think it's just like the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Let me tell you something, Naomi.
My writing partner, Evan Mann, is in Leprechaun Back to the Hood.
What?
Has a scene with sticky fingers. Yes.
He's the Jewish attorney with the huge fro in the movie, drops the N-word. Okay. I was in Boston,
like, should I move to LA? And then I was like, wait, what is my friend doing? And there was a
scene where he got eaten by a tree that they cut out.
But a tree. Oh my God. Yes. Yes. So have I seen Leprechaun back to the hood? Oh,
I've seen Leprechaun back to the hood. Wow. I didn't think I would get within six
degrees of Leprechaun back to the hood. And oh yeah. And my buddy was like, yeah,
my buddy, he wore, he like, he liked like work.. And my and my buddy was like, yeah, my buddy, he he wore me like he liked like work.
Davis is so cool.
I was like, what the fuck?
By leprechaun trees.
Wild.
Yeah.
It's just great to finally get to where you're like, I have to move to L.A.
That was like a helpful.
Right.
Right.
OK.
Yeah.
And then I didn't work for eight years. Yeah. You were like, I got things are happy How does it work? Yeah
How does it work?
So miss Joseph Rutledge shot herself through the head
The woman's husband had concealed his savings in his own way
Promising to reveal the cache to his wife before he died his death came suddenly last February
Before he could reveal the hiding place.
Oh, no.
You can't say before I die.
You could die at any time.
By the way, I'm going to do this without the treasure part.
I'm just going to tell people close to me and be like, I've
got 2.1 million dollars buried on this land
Before I go I'll tell you and then I'm just gonna die
What oh that's a good way to get people to like be by your bedside
Is that the long haul you just like want to make sure that people are by your bed boys quite a turnout
Gosh a life well lived it must have been yeah, all right
Any updates on the treasure?
Can you hear me in the far back?
Son of gypsy King a boy servant took hoarded wealth from cellar where it was stored Jesus Christ
hoarded wealth from seller where it was stored. Jesus Christ.
Wow.
The headline guys allow everything.
Son of a gypsy king?
Yep.
Gypsy king, son of the gypsy king.
Son of a gypsy king.
Okay, I need to know more.
Who is the gypsy king?
Providence, Rhode Island, $6,000 in $20 gold pieces
representing the fortune of the late gypsy king was stolen from his son William Stanley a horse trader
Jesus talk about a downgrade who's the gypsy king like they're using the phrase gypsy king
Like it's just a phrase we all know and I would like some sort of explanation as to what makes what a gypsy came
But these are that these this is when newspapers were just like everybody knows what I'm talking about
These are the these this is when newspapers were just like everybody knows what I'm talking about
Wow, that's funny because you know on one hand they're very detailed for no reason telling us what train people got on as they left Yeah show but never when it comes to gypsy like well, you know the gypsy king has some money
I won't bore you with defining it again. Anyway
and somebody said, I won't bore you with defining it again anyway.
The police all over New England and in New York City have been wired descriptions of a German known only as Oscar.
What is happening? Yes.
Our police be on the lookout for a German named Oscar.
Ah police be on the lookout for a German named Oscar
You hey yeah, what's your name?
What's your name? Okay, go ahead you're fine
Not Oscar His disappearance.
What did he look like?
His name was Oscar.
We'll find a way to fall.
You had was a name.
Are you Oscar?
If a cop came up and asked if you were Oscar.
Do I look like an Oscar?
No, not him either.
By the way, sir, no one in this speakeasy is Oscar either.
And I. Not him either. By the way, sir, no one in this speakeasy is Oscar either. His disappearance, it is alleged, was simultaneous with that of the gold.
Stanley told the police that prior to the money being missed,
he sent Oscar, who had been employed by him for several months,
into the cellar where it was stored in a large canvas bag.
What the fuck are you doing?
What are you doing?
Well, now that's actually on Stanley.
This is on Stanley, actually, because if you're going to just keep $6,000 in a bag, you can't
just be letting random Germans go to the bag.
Yeah, it's got to be under lock and key.
We're the five padlocks from earlier. We've got to be doing something with this lady
Oscar don't look in the bag of gold. There's no Oscar here
Whatever will I change my name Tom?
It's also beautiful that they Oscar worked for him for months.
Never learned his surname.
Do you see him saying all he has is on?
Yeah.
And I would think after working for a few months, we would have
gotten something on the back end.
Just a little.
Yeah, kind of paint a whole picture.
That's why we're on his side of stealing the 6000 100%.
I mean also like the gypsy King thing didn't have to come up.
Nope.
Nope.
No idea what was happening there.
So make it just for fun.
Just to get you.
This is the last one.
And this is the fucking I've just read the first sentence.
And okay, the headline is baby is like an ostrich.
What? And okay, the headline is baby is like an ostrich
What did you say baby is like an ostrich that's correct, yeah
You guys would know you don't have kids you guys can't handle it you can't handle kids But this is what it's like babies like an ostrich
Every parent who just heard this is nodding their heads. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I missed that phase.
Chico, California, of course, the 10 month old infant
of Mr. and Mrs. A.W. Douglas.
This is amazing. Living at the southeast corner of Fifth and Walnut Street.
This isn't Chico. The papers in Arkansas.
What the fuck are you doing? Come on, Dave. Hang in Dave hang in there buddy too much too much information? That's what I'm talking about
Meanwhile what the fuck is a gypsy king? I still don't know, but they have fully doxed the whole family and she did it
The doxing's were so
Doxing's were so
discriminant back then constant.
So the ten month old swallowed the clapper of a tablebell and then attached just like an
Just like an ostrich, right? That's what I was just do
Okay, so it's a it's a clapper of a table bell with an attached wire hook
after Retaining it in the delicate stomach
Used to milk only for 93 hours. Let a baby eat a bell
You can't keep bells away from babies. They eat the shit out of bells. They crows again. Hey parentless people
Who you talking to? All right, so you're gonna need your cabinet secured and do you have any bells?
They've got to be over five feet high. Otherwise, the baby's gonna suck that down. I have a giant little bell collection. Oh
Shit, I don't know if you could have a kid. No, we can't let you have a kid. I'm sorry
I'm sorry. We have to call CPS too many bells
We have to call CPS too many bells. It's unfortunate.
Doctor, my baby ate five bells.
Oh boy, if I had a bell for every time this happened, I'd have a lot more dead babies.
What?
I'm not even sure.
So it was in there for 93 hours.
And the child was relieved of it this morning.
I'll take like whatever five days, 93 hours.
He also swallowed a stopwatch.
Very precise estimation on our part.
Where's my comb?
Oh, God damn it.
And this child is alive and have we gotten
to the ostrich part?
Well, the child was playing with a bell.
The clapper separated and fell in its lap.
The baby swallowed the clapper, which was as large as the tip of his little finger.
So it's small that this is tiny.
Yeah, the clapper. OK.
So he ate the little bell and the wire was opened much like a safety pin.
Oh, except different in the respect that there was not a sharp point.
The baby suffered no apparent discomfort and played and prattled
as if the bell clapper was where it belonged.
So the baby was just having a good time.
OK, baby, baby, the clapper.
And then 93 hours later, passed the clapper.
That brings new level to clap on clap, clap off, okay?
Clap out.
But my question is sort of like, was it medical?
I mean, are we just saying like the baby passed the clapper?
I guess I wonder how this got to the paper,
I think is my kind of question is,
how does this become a newspaper issue?
There's more.
The baby was placed on a light diet of bread and potatoes.
And she was-
Oh, my god!
Light?
OK, if that's the case, I've been dieting for years.
I've been dieting for years.
That is light.
The baby's been trying to get a clapper out
of herself for a while.
Just a little bread and potatoes.
Just a little light, a little binding bread and potatoes
to keep you slender.
They just said this is a baby that only ate milk
and now they're like, let's put the meat and potatoes in there.
Bread and potatoes.
My baby put on 50 pounds.
I thought you had a pretty good diet, so.
Oh, my God.
So the bread and potatoes were given as a medicine.
This doctor is fabulous.
Babies love bells.
The only way to defeat a bell inside of a baby is to starch it out.
As well as a small quantity of opium. Okay.
So what we're also going to do is we're going to follow the bread of the potatoes with a
little bit of heroin.
This baby is bloated and high for 93 hours.
Okay.
What are we talking about?
Doctor, my baby's William S. Burroughs.
That's it to be expected. Did you read the bottle of potato bread, Erwin?
Okay, so they gave him the opium, which was calculated to lessen the action of the bowels
that the metal ball would pass from the stomach
and intestines by slow process,
preventing lacerations that would follow quick removal.
Does that make any sense at all to anyone?
Yes, because, yes, opioids slow down your digestion.
Not that part.
The idea that we need to move this bell out at a slower rate.
I agree.
I'm like, shouldn't it go?
Because that's what I'm surprised by, right?
Because to me, I'm like, yeah, you want it to come out quickly.
But I don't necessarily... does digestion really work where if you
just eat potatoes, now everything's smooth?
Like, that's the part I don't think that that's what happens.
I don't think that if you eat a bunch of potatoes, it automatically
is a coating.
Okay. So now Naomi's an internist. I mean... I don't think that if you eat a bunch of potatoes, it automatically is a coating. Oh, okay.
So now Naomi's an internist.
I mean...
I...
I did, I...
No, no, Gareth, no, Gareth.
Cause you know what?
This is some bullshit.
Dave Anthony fights the over.
I'm pretty sure that it's bullshit.
Dave Anthony.
I'm on the side of it's big bullshit.
You know, I'm out here trying to unpack history.
Dave Anthony said, come to my house, and then Dave want to do me dirty.
And it's like, David, David, don't invite me over to break me down, okay?
Yeah.
Because I'll stay my ass at home.
Okay, David?
Fucking prick.
You are at home.
I don't. See, this is what I'm talking You are at home. I know. I know.
Metaphorically.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
No, no, no.
I am so sorry, Naomi.
You know what?
You know what, Gareth?
I take back everything awful I have ever said about you.
Wait.
You have.
I'm taking a very bad turn.
What?
You're talking bad about me?
All right, Wait, I
listen. I think listen, there's no way that letting the bell
come out slower is advantageous. Yeah. No, I
completely agree that putting it on the Wonder Bread potato
diet has no impact at all. No, but I'll tell you what's still
bothering me is that I've heard no comparison
to how this is ostrich related.
Eating the bell is I guess what an ostrich would do.
No, what?
But the bell is small.
So I don't really think it works anymore.
When I thought that,
because remember it's the clapper of the bell
size of a tip of a baby's finger.
I said, well, that can't be that big.
Yeah.
So I'm less impressed.
Well, to a baby though, that's big.
Imagine if you ate the tip of your, it's bigger. I mean, sure, that can't be that. Yeah. So I'm less impressed to a baby, though. That's big. Imagine if you ate the tip of your finger. It's bigger. I mean, sure. It's bigger for a baby,
but I still think it's passable. I'm just really still stuck on a light diet of bread and potatoes.
That's not over that either. I like the diet of bread and potatoes.
Yeah, we're going to have a child on the Oscar regiment.
But once you're eating clappers, you're ready for solid food.
OK, that's what you're saying.
OK, OK, I see what you're saying.
God, wasn't Benson so funny?
Just a little bit of heroin, bread, and potatoes
for your child.
Because that's only 100 years ago,
and it really is a wonder we're alive
or have cures for anything.
Because we're literally talking in 1912,
they say give the baby opium and some potatoes.
And humanity still exists.
Humans are still here.
And by the way, I've heard people pitch that
for a COVID cure.
So I don't know where we're at.
Oh God, did you guys watch Mother God?
Did you watch that Mother God documentary at all?
No.
Oh, I heard about it.
It's a three-parter as far as cult docs go.
I'm like, I'm not saying you need it.
But one of the things that this cult, they would do,
they sold and also took a lot of colloidal silver. They said it was like a cure all colloidal silver. This woman
died bluer than a smurf. Okay. Because if she's dying, they just keep pumping her with
colloidal silver. When I say she was giving Papa smurf and they said she's will come back
from this, she will come back from this. And then they would, and then when she died and
they kept her body, cause they were convinced,
you know, she was like gonna re-inhabit, you know,
you're not cold speed doing, they love to re-inhabit.
You know how Smurfs are, yeah.
You know how they do.
And they put like, I don't know what the machine was,
but it's like Reed's energy.
And it was like, look, look, she's still showing energy.
She's still alive.
And it was like, no, it's cause she's full of silver.
The metals in the body are being picked up by the machine
And they're like she's alive. It was like a bunch of guys from the beach have had their metal detectors go off
Wow
Yes, well, I don't know if anyone sold the documentary to me harder
That is as far as camp Gareth goes, we call that a go.
I will be watching that.
Dave, is there anything else in that article or the baby died?
Ostriches swallow small, small pebbles and rocks to help digest.
That's what it is.
Not necessarily seeing the one to one.
Either way, Naomi, you are a first of all, you deserve to be our leading guest
or you could just be you could just do the podcast with me from now on me.
OK, you know what?
I'm not even going to lie.
I don't hate it. I don't.
Like, honestly, look, you know, I know Gareth is on the road.
And so like there are times where he's like in Australia and it can't happen.
You call me, David. You call me, David. You know, I'd beareth is on the road. And so there are times where he's in Australia and it can't happen. You call me David.
You call me David.
You know I'd be here in a minute.
Listen, Naomi, I've honestly thought in my head before, if we were to ever be like, we
should add a third person, I'm not kidding, you would be the person.
So just-
Yeah, I agree.
You're too goddamn busy.
You're too goddamn busy.
Well, look, you also have to come again, because you're all the only people I trust because
I know you won't give me COVID either.
If y'all go on the road, you know I'll come with you.
You know I'll be there.
Yes.
I want to do a full travel because you know I'm very delicate.
Well, that's what you should do.
But I will like come be at a place.
You see what I'm saying?
Because then we can all be safe and in a bubble and then we do our shows and then we cover
up our faces and live forever.
We do not fuck around.
The amount of times, we a lot of times feel like we're neo in the matrix just dodging the
COVID bullets at these venues
Can I breathe in here and you're like please we love thank you for all your help put the salads down and what get the
Fuck out your call
Anyway Naomi your work is fantastic black dress on social media
the The work is fantastic. Blaketris on social media.
Is it the standups? Is that what it's called?
Yeah, Blaketris Comedy on Instagram.
Season three of the standups on Netflix.
Couples Therapy Podcast.
Fantastic half hour with your lovely husband.
And thank you for everything.
And Dave, really, get over the boat thing.
It's getting a little creepy.
Thank you everybody for listening.
We appreciate it.
Gobble gobble!
Naomi, thank you.