The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 68 - The Past Times with April Richardson
Episode Date: March 29, 2024Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian April Richardson Redbubble Merch Factor - code TPT50 Hydrow - Co...de TPT
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["The Last Post"]
All right, everybody.
Welcome to the Past Times podcast.
Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked
out by Dave Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this
week. April Richardson. Hello, April. Hi, that's right. I have no idea. Also, I'm curious, Dave,
do you physically have a copy of this? Like it's a physical newspaper. We're not willing to sort of break any illusions here.
Yeah, he's got it.
Yes, I have a copy in my hand.
He's sitting in a rocking chair, mid-wittle,
and he's reading through it.
And I'm dressed like a pauper,
and April, you're in a debutante gown
stepping out of a carriage.
That's right. Lace gloves.
Yeah, the whole nine.
And I too am wearing lace gloves.
So you have a Patreon. What do you do on there? That's right. Lace gloves, yeah, the whole nine. And I too am wearing lace gloves.
So you have a Patreon.
What do you do on there?
I do podcasts.
I do, I interview people that I like.
Interesting.
Wait for Dave and I to find out you don't like us.
Well, you know.
What is the, where do they go?
Patreon.com slash?
Patreon.com slash April Richardson.
I'm also really interested in, as somebody who might, I had a career in comedy for like
15 years and then it came to a screeching halt because of a situation I couldn't really
control.
And I'm curious, I've interviewed a few people about that.
Like I had my friend Sean on, my friend Sean Nelson was the lead singer of Harvey Danger.
Again, he had like a huge crazy hit song.
And then a year later was like,
hi, can I work in your office?
So I'm interested in people who had,
I talked to my friends who had careers in entertainment
that just kind of stopped.
And then they're like,
guess I got to go get a job now.
Oh, you should talk to Gareth.
Yeah, sure.
It'd be great.
You're a receptionist now, right?
You work in an office.
I am a call fielder, and it's a bit different
because it's a little more complicated
than just a receptionist.
Yeah, I didn't mean to insult you.
I know that it's a lot.
Well, you have and you did.
And one lace glove is coming off,
and a slap is headed your way.
I deserve that.
Dual terms will be agreed upon.
Yeah.
Harvey Danger is a good band. Great band. They're great. Dave, I don't know if you know this about April, but April is very similar to Dave Hill in the sense that she doesn't name drop, but she knows everyone and she will be like, she you even know the lead singer of Harvey Dade? Or you know this, do you know Malcolm Gladwell? Do you have you ever met, do you know Obama?
And you're just like, I don't know these people.
And she's just like, oh, you should, you should,
you should come hang out.
I'm like, yeah, okay.
I'm ready to like be in the next echelon.
I'm sick of this bullshit.
Wow.
I'm extending my hand to try to drag you up,
up into the upper tiers.
Well, the glove hath been removed and I shall slip out of the trusty grip. Yeah. No, I
mean, Sean's great and they were a great man but it's that
thing of also people have just come up to him in the street
and been like, what's it feel? How's it feel to do a one hit
wonder like to his face? Oh, thank you a lot. Great. Let me
ask you this April, you know the Dell computer kid?
Yes. I mean, do I know him personally? Yes. Very well. No. I would not be shocked. Jeff Dell? If that's his name, I am going to run through my wall. So, all right, April, well,
you know the drill. Or if you don't, here's the drill.
We're going to go through the stupid newspaper that Dave has in front of him.
Yes.
It's opened.
But I always like to start by guessing the year.
It just gives us something to do.
It's for the sponsors.
The sponsors love this part of the show, which is why we want to thank Pepsi for this year
guess.
You know the inventor of Pepsi, good friend of mine.
We go way back. You're probably gonna know everyone in this paper. I guess
first because I'm a man and we love to step it up. Yeah that's fair. I'm gonna
guess that we're just gonna go with something around 1892. See I don't, I
don't know, I don't want it to be... Go, don't let me lead you. I don't know. I don't want it to be... Go.
Don't let me lead you.
I don't know anything.
I'm an idiot man.
I don't want it to be Civil War times.
I don't want that.
Well then you're going to see what's great about my brain.
I don't even know when that is.
I'm going to say 1952.
Oh, April.
You are a spicy tamale.
What did you guess, Gareth?
1892? What a dumb guess, Gareth? 1892.
What a dumb guess.
It is 1932.
April wins.
Good work.
Thank you.
April is won.
By the way, even when the guest doesn't win,
Dave awards the guest the win.
Well that, Gareth, on your part,
that was really embarrassing.
It's a crazy thing to think that it's wrong.
It's just crazy.
It was shocking.
People are saying, people here are saying it's shocking.
I have a live audience.
It was really embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed.
Yeah, well.
I think it's embarrassing.
Nobody in the live audience thought it was great.
I'm gonna take that paper that's in your hands
and shove it up your ass.
Welcome to the pastimes.
The newspaper is the Key West Citizen.
It is Saturday, October 1st, 1932.
So this is like if Jimmy Buffett was an editor.
I love it.
I feel like I have an advantage.
I am at my stepdad's house right now in the state of Florida.
Even if you're going to visit relatives, you shouldn't go to Florida.
You should meet them at the border and go,
I'll reach your cross.
Should talk about a civil war.
We'll meet halfway.
Yeah.
All right, page one.
Dove released here, shot down.
Ah, what a terrible event to attend.
That's gonna happen. What the hell?
Also, the headline, why would you read on?
The headline gives it away.
Yeah.
I need to know more.
I wanna see where this goes.
Yeah, yeah.
Roughly once a month, I think about the woman
who released the doves at the Michael Jackson verdict.
Do you remember that lady?
Oh yeah, yeah.
I think about that at least once a month.
Who was outside the courthouse just releasing doves,
like he is free, like these doves.
Yes.
Yeah.
God.
She's an icon.
We gotta get her on.
Great guess.
We have, she and I went to school together.
And then the doves flew away and they were molested.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Paul Reddington, chief of the biological survey of the Department of
Agriculture has written to William Demarit to the effect that a mourning
dove banded here by Mr. Demarit was recently shot many miles away from the
place where banded. Okay, so the headline made it seem like a dove was released
and then immediately shopped.
Yeah, there's, see this is why you read April, to get let down.
Yeah.
I need to read the definition of banded?
A dub was banded.
Oh, so they put a little band on its leg so they can tell, like we banded this guy.
Yeah, a band, like Harvey Danger.
You know.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, so they can keep track of where it went and stuff.
Sure.
Dave does that to me.
I'm banned in two different spots.
Yeah, on your ankle and...
Ankle and penis.
Dave's penile banned me.
Yeah.
He hasn't been shot.
No, no, I haven't been shot.
I have been horribly lost and shot at.
Well, the next big court case, I will set you free in front of the courthouse.
Thank you.
Yes.
Ha!
Very messy.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I you free in front of the courthouse. Thank you. I yes
Very meta the dub was shot by Edie a linears about three miles south of Decoder, Illinois
The band shows that it was released by mr. DeMarritt in Key West on January 4th
1932 and was shot on September 12th, 1932, exactly eight months
and eight days after being banded.
Information such as this is continually being sought by the biological survey, and when
a bird is shot so far from the place where it was banded, the data secured is of the
greatest value in the study of its migratory habits.
No, it doesn't. Oh, no, it doesn't. No. Yes, sir. is of the greatest value in the study of its migratory habits.
No it doesn't.
Oh, no it doesn't, no.
How else are you gonna know?
Wait, what kind of bird was this again?
A dove.
Who hunts, did people hunt doves?
No, it was a question I was headed towards, Dave does.
It was a question I was headed towards too.
It feels like if you shoot a dove, you have problems.
Yeah, because also have you ever heard if you shoot a dove you have problems
Oh, yeah that I have heard of Dave Dave
Well, it's it's 1932. So people are fucking hungry and they're shooting anything
Yeah, I was also do you guys have I don't know if it's a southern thing that sometimes for Thanksgiving people have two duckins Or it's like turkey, a duck and a chicken. Yeah, of course.
It's America the holiday, just like the natives
to the land used to eat with their corn.
But how did they choose those three specific,
like there's other, like why is there not a dove
inside a pigeon inside a flamingo?
Have you never had a durducken?
Turducken is the best. I really love to add that in the mix.
Wait, which three are those?
So that one is four. That's a turkey, a duck, a chicken, and a hen.
Okay.
And if you want, you can put a hamster in there in the middle.
Yeah. Or have you ever had a quail rooster pigeon?
What's that?
Quail rooster pigeon?
No.
It's a big mash.
Yeah.
It's real crazy.
It's not as popular
because it doesn't roll off the tongue as much.
Right.
But turduck hen.
That one, I'll give you that one.
Yeah, that rolls off the'll give you that one. Yeah
It's easy. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. It's great recipe. Yeah, I've never heard of anybody shooting a dog Oh, yeah people she does well if it's flying people will shoot it. This is America go walk around Florida later April
That's what the actual people there
Yeah, I mean I guess it's also it's like people eat roadkill and stuff. People eat squirrels. So it's like why
would they not eat dogs? Yeah. People eat humans. Yeah, people
eat humans. Why would people not eat the symbol of peace? The
dogs. Yeah. Pass me a piece of that piece. I've said that.
Yeah. Yeah. Here's a little tiny story on the bottom. Queer
Fancy. What? Queer Fancy. I don't think you're allowed to
read that headline. That's my drag name. Yeah, yeah.
This is out of Seattle. For 15 days, Delbert Fadden of this city dined on bugs, berries, and frogs just for fun.
How did they give it the fattest fat guy name and then he ate bugs and berries? What's his name again?
Delbert. Delbert, What was his last name?
Fadden. Is it DD or TT? It's DD. It's like Roald Dahl wrote this article. Yeah. Okay. Right.
Whatever. Doesn't matter. Fadden. Wait, how long did he eat all this stuff? 15 days. Do you think
this is a case of like he called the paper? Because I'm like, that's easy to fake. I can say
that I ate whatever for 15 days and called a paper and be like, put me on that front page.
It could have been two things.
He could have self-reported, or people could just have been
like, Delbert, what are you doing, man?
You gotta see this guy.
And he-
It was like a threat.
People were like, we're gonna tell the paper
to talk about this if we keep doing it.
Hand me another jammy cockroach.
Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's like, you need help. Maybe we'll get a reporter out here and have an intervention or something. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, you need help,
maybe we'll get a reporter out here
and have an intervention or something.
Sure, sure.
Ooh.
Also, I would have been like,
you know you can eat a dove.
We have doves.
Thank you.
That would be gross.
Now, hand me another beetle.
You have to have a gun,
like you don't have to shoot a frog,
you just grab it.
But a gun is needed for dove eating.
I think someone's got a new tag for their business card.
Yeah. Frogs, you can just grab them.
You don't have to shoot a frog, you can just grab them. Dave Anthony, podcaster.
Eat them raw. You can eat them raw. Grab them and eat them. Right there at the lakeside.
Have either one of you ever had frogs at lakeside?
Nope, never will.
Crikey. No, I don't think so. Yeah. I don't think I would like, it's probably
dark meat I would imagine. I'm not a dark meat guy, but it seems, it seems. It's crazy
that that's your issue. That's the one weird thing about it. Give me a breast. It seems
too soft. Like it's too softy for me. Well, you're imagining it uncooked. Yeah, I'm imagining
it cooked too. I doubt that they cook it hard. I think it's a...y for me. Well, you're imagining it uncooked. Yeah, I'm imagining it cooked too.
I doubt that they cook it hard.
I think it's a...
It would be like a little chicken wing.
Come on.
Have you ever been to the rustic?
I bet those are frog legs.
I've been...
I've had dinner with somebody who is eating the frog,
and it does.
It does just look like a super tiny...
But that's what puts me off.
Where I'm like, this is like a baby leg.
Like I shouldn't be eating this.
Have you ever had a baby leg? I have not. My buddy Todd loves a baby leg. Like I shouldn't be eating this. Have you ever had a baby leg?
I have not.
My buddy Todd loves the baby legs.
It's the same reason I won't like eat like,
you know, when they serve monkey
and they have the monkey come to the table whole
and you pick it out.
It's the same reason I won't do that.
Cause the monkey looks back at you.
Who's they serving the monkey?
Dave's a Mason.
We should point that out.
Korean restaurants around my house will serve a monkey. Sure. I'll tell you what. You want me to full out boycott? Have monkey.
Look no further than me being done with your establishment. Sorry, there's a monkey curry
section? Yeah. Dave, you can't be telling those Mason secrets. Yeah, right. They're not murdering you.
You need to not have those on record.
Are there any secrets anymore?
Let's be honest.
What a negative Mason.
Whitney Bacon Congress race becomes tense.
Everyone's like food.
This is like a roll call characters.
This is out of Washington.
Those sharing the belief that politics is a grim and vulgar
business should direct their attention to that blue stocking
area of Long Island where young Cornelius Vanderbilt Whitney
is running for a seat in Congress.
All right, we're taking a swing.
Oh, so it's Whitney versus.
Yeah, it's Whitney versus Baker.
Okay. The classic classic battle. Yeah, so it's Whitney versus yeah, it's Whitney versus Baker
The classic classic battle. Yeah an odd campaign is being waged there between
Sonny and Sonny's in parentheses Sonny in sorry quotes
and the equally socially prominent representative bacon a campaign that seems to be
There's a missing word that a campaign that seems to belie all the traditions of office getting.
What?
Well, what a great way to allude to what's happening
without telling us at all.
Thank you, very concise.
You're not gonna believe the campaign we've got going on.
Next story, a man ate a turkey.
Also, I'm not even clear, who's Sunny?
Is Sunny the nickname of the Wittgenau?
Sonny's the other guy, not Wittgenau.
Sonny is the nickname of the Vanderbilt, the Whitney.
Right.
Sonny Whitney.
Great, this is just great journalism.
It is.
I'm not clear on who the people are or what they're doing.
I knew we were in for a good article
when Dave said a word's missing.
It's not great.
Yeah.
Sometimes that happens in these papers, it's just a word gone, you gotta put the puzzle together.
That's fun too.
From Flushing to Montauk Point,
the social registrites are in a stir,
so the fancy people.
Sure.
The Vanderbilt in Whitney's name,
although no longer used except for legal and formal purposes,
is having its effect, even though the district
is one of the deepest dyed Republican strongholds.
This is the Key West paper?
Yeah, but they're just doing stories from all over.
Sometimes that doesn't even matter, we've noticed.
Yeah, if you had a Key West paper at this time, you would have like four stories.
And just be like, Mayor Parrott.
Yeah, it would just be like, class off, bitch.
Yeah, that's right.
You wouldn't have enough stories to print,
so you gotta grab them from other places.
Sure, sure.
The select social countryside is in confusion.
Country clubs are divided against themselves
and the vast country estates are at variance
over which candidate to support.
Oh, so both the candidates are rich.
That's what they're saying.
All the riches are fighting amongst each other.
Not the inter-country club fighting.
No, please no.
East-West, West Coast country club fighting.
Well, this harkens back to an era
when the people in government were out of touch.
Yeah, it's weird.
It seems like it's mostly rich people.
Yeah.
Different now.
It's very foreign to me.
By the way, I don't know if you guys are part of this campaign, but I'm writing in Feinstein.
What's the difference?
One more run.
Just because she's gone, doesn't mean she can't do it again.
We do the birdies 2024.
Oh, come on.
We're going to elect a man Feinstein this time around. Oh, yeah, that's right.
We're idiots. Vanstein. How about this? I've got another
pitch. We we go dig her up. Yes. And we get a scientist to just
put electrodes on her neck. Yes. And we and we shoot
lightning inter and we call her Feinstein Stein. Feinstein
Stein's monster. Feinstein Stein's monster, yeah. Yes. Hey,
one more vote! I like it. Hey Dave, if you're on board, tell your goddamn face.
Sonny is a Democrat, Bacon is a Republican. Sonny's grandmother was a
secretary of the Navy under President Cleveland. Bacon's father was secretary of state under President Roosevelt.
They're all just connected and... So yeah, totally. It's just, all right, it's these two guys and
then it'll be their sons and then it'll be their sons. This is how it works in
America. Yeah. It's so cool. The situation is further complicated by the fact that
Sonny is the idol of the polo and racing set
While bacon boy a former Harvard crewman is popular with the many Harvard enthusiasts in the district
Oh stop it Rachel a Harvard man versus a polo boy. What year is this?
By the way, you just did what every single podcast person doesn't call me Rachel
Did you?
I said April.
No, you didn't.
You said Rachel.
No, I said April.
Well, we're going to go with Rachel because you-
I would not call you- I don't even know anyone named Rachel.
It's weird.
Why do people call you Rachel so much?
I think because my name is April Richardson.
I think that you're hearing Rachel when it's not there. We'll roll the tape back.
We'll run it back. Yeah. We'll roll it back. It's going to be weird for one of you.
Oh stop it Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Oh stop it Rachel.
Yep. I bet it's Rachel. But yeah, the difference between those two, it's like these guys who play polo and these crew guys,
it's like those are the exact same guys.
Exactly the same people.
Imagine.
One hears, for instance, that the Manhasset group is for Whitney while the Sagamore Hill
Roosevelts, the distant cousins of the Democratic nominee, are for Bacon.
That's how complicated things are.
Oh my God. That's how complicated things are. Oh my god, it's very complicated. Truly, you would just, it would be the time to just blow them up, obviously.
Oh, amazing. that he will not stage parades with flying banners to get votes, he does plan what he calls
a Whitney Caravan to tour the district.
I love a man with principles when it comes
to electoral politics.
Me too.
Someone's like, I will not be doing a banded parade.
I agree.
I will be doing a mic'd caravan.
Yes, there's a huge difference between the two.
I'm always like, I won't vote for the guy with the banners.
I think it's egregious.
It's true. It's just out of touch with what our communities. It's important to have lines.
Yes. Banner politicians are bad people. Gareth. Yes, Dave. The pastimes is brought to you by a
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Yeah, super weird.
Sometimes they do like history stuff in newspapers.
They bring you a little bit of history.
This headline is when baths were few.
Fuck. If certain dates we have run across lately are authentic,
the joke about the Saturday night bath is not so old as we had imagined.
What's the joke about this? What's the joke about the Saturday?
I don't know. I took a bath last night. I should point that out. So I'm, I don't
think I'm allowed to weigh in on this. That's a Saturday night bath? I had a Saturday night bath.
The Saturday night bath rule. That's right. Wait, what year is this again? 1934? The paper is 1932. 1931?
The nerve of you to get so close to it and win and have no clue what year it is
Rachel I thought I knew you
Well, I are they saying that like man people really used to think not like us who take baths twice a week
Yes, right. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I think there's that there's a there's a someone's they're saying there's a big joke going around
So we don't get it. We don't They didn't tell us what the joke is,
but there's a Saturday night bath joke.
I mean, I always think about that
whenever I watch any movie,
like especially any like, you know,
set in like the 1500,
all I can think about is how bad everybody's stung.
Especially if it's a love story
and they're all kissing and everything
and you're like, everyone was disgusting.
Beyond kissing, like fornicating,
you'd be like, Jesus Christ.
Yes, yes, yes.
Imagine how much of a nightmare the balls were.
Oh my God.
The 69ing had to be invented so late in our history.
I agree.
I don't think, you're saying.
The amount of times that one person passed out
on another one's genitals.
Yeah, when you really think that that, The amount of times that one person passed out on another one's genitals.
Yeah, when you really think that that, I also think it could have only been invented after
showers were a thing. Has to be 1900s.
I agree. I agree. And even especially even blow jobs, because I just don't think that women...
Yes.
Like I just think they get down there and go, it's enough.
It's enough.
Well, listen, I fully agree with that.
I'll also say I don't think Connellingus was much different.
Oh, what a lovely, lovely boat.
Just a beautiful, beautiful bounty of odors down there.
Yes.
And so I can never, even the most romantic, you know, whatever movie set in those times,
I just, it takes me so far out that I'm like, I don't believe you're in love.
Like, no.
Ophelia, your crotch smells like the blue cheese.
Randall, when I went down on you the other night, it was basically like trying to suck
shit off a hose.
Yeah.
Um.
That's all I think about.
So there was no romance to me pre-ignore coming. Yeah. Yeah. Um. That's all I think about.
So there was no romance to me pre-ignore plumbing.
Right.
Listen, I can't keep cheating on my wife purely
from a fragrance standpoint.
That was unbelievable.
And a bath doesn't help.
You just did your own bouillon.
Gareth, my apologies for your British roots,
but the thing of sharing bath water,
you know how it used to be like...
Clearly, you've never watched England Weed and the Rest.
That is a main component of my upbringing in England was the fact that...
Insane.
It was nuts.
And it was like, as a kid, they were like, they mattered least.
So I would be getting into a cold, brothy, puke out, relative. Yeah,
yeah, I mean I could do the acts. Dave, do we have time for me to do it? No. Just go
watch the special. So I'd get into this human soup, this dude stewed this manastrone, this
guy's spot show. I went, I had a whole. Love it. Yeah, it's uh, and apparently it's a thing
that's still done. It's crazy. Yeah. How about this? I'll do you one worse. My mother told me about how they would
sometimes days, two days, they'd keep the tub water in there for a couple days and two days later.
Yeah. No, no. You'd go over, you'd just get a repair. You'd get a little, little,
no, but a little bit warm in there. At what point are you just
admitting you're going, I'm putting the dirt back onto me?
You're just a different person's dirt.
I'm getting, I'm clear before I get in,
and then I am rubbing the dirt back onto me.
Hello, I'm my uncle's pubes now.
I used to go around and just, like, kind of cold knock,
just go to random houses and knock on their door and ask if they had any dirty bath water I could lay down face down in. Yeah yeah who's just already
sitting around marinating it's like can I get in there? You're not using it. I'd say I'm a bad boy it needs to be dirtier.
Dave have you seen Salt Burned? No I haven't seen it yet I heard I don't want to see it kind of but
I just want to see the bathroom scene but I asked someone where it was in the movie. You'd like you'd like the tub stuff. Yeah, I like all tub stuff
I'm a tub guy. You'd love this. That's my fetish is dirty dirty tub time
In California we actually had to share bath water because we the droughts were so bad
that yeah, it's so comical because of how in the past that is.
Yeah, yeah, that was the 70s.
That was the 70s growing up.
No more droughts.
We will be we will never do that again.
Okay, back to the Saturday Night Bath. Okay, it is recorded that the first bathtub
put in commission in the United States
was christened on Christmas Day, 1842.
I don't believe that.
That seems real late.
No, but that might be right.
That's real late.
Time-wise, that might be right.
It might be the 1840s, yeah, yeah.
For the first ever bathtub?
Yeah, they were not bathing.
We were late bathers for sure.
What were we doing?
Yes, what were we doing?
Rivers?
Just dirt.
We were dirt people.
But what were we doing?
Surely at some point you had to get the-
No, they genuinely believed that you didn't wash it away
because it was what kept you healthy.
I think they didn't believe in washing away the dirt. It feels so
close to like I could hear that at a city council meeting. Yeah. Yeah.
That's sort of wow the first ever bathroom. And then thinking about the
person, the christener, who's like get this into my house. Well also putting
that in your house and I guess you know putting it in whatever the bathroom is
and how many people around them
will go, this, why are you doing this, weirdo?
Yeah.
What a fucking weirdo.
What you gonna do with this, weirdo?
Look at how clean the bottom is.
Now for the penis.
Hello, Aunt Martha.
Look at my pits.
Looking up the day of the week in a perpetual calendar,
we find that this was Sunday, but
it is impossible that the first bath was really taken on Christmas Eve, thus establishing
the Saturday night tradition.
See, here's what's great about this article is it's like, we're talking about this and
I find it really interesting and it has nothing to do with the point the person in the art,
the person's like, it was not at all Christmas. It was a Christmas day bath.
It's just so weird.
Yeah.
It's so weird.
And it's just some guy.
Like, it's not, you know what I mean?
It's not like the president got the first bath tub.
It's like some guy.
That would be the fucking greatest.
A live radio broadcast of the president's first bath?
Yeah.
Super weird.
Everything's wet at once.
I get the idea that if it were somebody like famous,
then everyone would go, oh my God,
but it's like, it's just some dude.
They're like, Jeff got a bathtub
and because Jeff took a bath on Christmas Eve,
now we all gotta do that.
Now it's a Saturday night rule.
I think we know the first guy who got his dick sucked, Jeff.
Yeah, buddy.
That DTC dirty tub time. Yeah, I've discovered ass eating. Yeah
Yeah, it doesn't I just looked up the history of a bathtub and it's not really it's pretty vague
I don't think I think this person's just making it up here in the
The first bathtub in the White House. We got that in 1850. So yeah, that's probably
right. Around time-wise, 1842. Is that when Taft got stuck? Yes, that's how, yes, that was the first
one because the first bathtub was tiny. Help me! Help! Oh no! Isn't that kind of fascinating that a
random person, normal person got a bathtub before the White House did? Yes, well, I was probably a rich person. Still. So not normal.
Yeah.
A murderer.
Oh, that feeling though.
Ooh, that felt good.
Ooh, that's addictive.
Also, they probably left the water in there
for like months.
Shelly, get in.
You're not gonna find a cleaner body of water.
Rudolph, it's beige.
Jump in.
Really get it all over yourself too. Do your hair as well. Really, really's beige. Jump in. Really get it all over yourself too.
Do your hair as well.
Really, really scrub it.
Yeah.
Really get it in there.
Enjoy it.
That's fresh water.
Upon its introduction, the bathtub was looked upon with much suspicion as it is by small
boys to this day.
Well, we don't let them lead.
I mean, come on, they're putting grasshoppers in jars.
It's not...
They're not making the rules.
President Youngboy says great suspicion over this tub.
God, I wish there was a president young boy.
Why can't we have a president young boy?
Oh, that's suspicious.
Suspicious.
I don't know.
I reckon that thing ain't good for nobody.
That thing's fixing to take our data.
That thing's water TikTok is what that thing is right there.
Now, I know everyone's upset with my slingshot mandate, but trust me,
you're going to reckon you want one if you're in a big pickle with a feathered friend.
Why is President Yomkoe a fog more like one?
Hey, you best relax over there, lady.
Every woman from now on called Rachel.
And ladies, you gotta wear gloves even on your chest.
Not even I understand this mandate.
And bad mandates from now on will be called boy dates,
because I'm a boy.
We got a lot of fences in this country that ain't fully painted.
We're going to finally finish that job,
and we ain't going to let the Chinese do it.
Boy, get over it.
What?
And now, careful, careful.
What?
I don't know about this kid.
I'm just saying, y'all elected me.
Y'all said I was better than Trump.
I am better than Trump.
You lost my vote, young boy.
Yeah, you lost my vote there.
Well, I don't need your vote, lady.
I'm not trying to get the lady vote.
I'm going with uneducated men.
That's my demo.
We got a war room.
We're fixing to figure it out with a bunch of yarn
and pushpins.
In Boston, an ordinance was passed prohibiting baths except upon the advice of a physician.
Dude, you gotta fucking get in this thing.
You fucking stink, bro.
You're my fucking doctor, but I don't know if that's the right idea.
Dude, get in the fucking thing.
I'm writing you a fucking prescription for a big tub of water.
You gotta get in this shit.
You're gonna love it, by the way.
Most of my fucking patients who I tell to do this, they fucking love this shit.
Yeah, I just want to more fucking fall asleep that shit and drown.
Keep your fucking eyes open, dude. You'll be fine.
No, no one remembers what the story the article is at this point.
OK, but just the idea if a doctor is like,
listen.
Medically speak.
My chart meter says
you stank. It's the medical term
is, you stank.
You somehow have what we call booger
grundle. Yeah.
As your doctor, I'm going
to have to get down there and sniff
the ball sack.
Just give me a moment.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to write you a prescription for a bath.
See how I take these two main fingers and when I rub them on your taint, it looks like
a rubber cement sort of film?
That indicates you are in need of a bath.
I'm going to barf.
Do it in the tub. About
1844, the Philadelphia City Council came within two votes
of passing an ordinance prohibiting baths altogether
between November 1st and March 15th. Hilarious. Sorry, how
would you enforce that? How would you? Oh, we have ways.
You would just, if somebody wasn't gross enough, you'd be
like, we know you've had a bath, buddy
You you're not as gross as you're supposed to be. Oh, I haven't I swear to God. I'm filthy
You smell a little too good
You have a you have a bath inspection crew and they just randomly show up to your house and knock on the door and go
In and see if the tubs wet. There you go. This is solid
You got there's ways around it
There you go. This is solid.
You got it?
There's ways around it.
Bathtubs were heavily taxed in those days, even as the modern automobile today.
Shortly after they were introduced into Virginia, a state tax of $36 was imposed on each tub
installed.
Still, Americans of those times were more given to bathing than the old Russians.
Where the hell did that come from?
No, this is, don't fall into capitalist trap.
Come on.
What the fuck?
That is such an insane turn.
Like what?
Who brought, who was thinking about, what did the Russians do?
Why are we, why are you coming for us?
We have read somewhere that Peter the Great bathed only once a year, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Russia is a very cold country.
I'm sorry, how about you finish connecting that dot for me?
Yes!
So what, they didn't have fire it was so called?
They're saying that a hot bath would keep you warm.
So why once a year?
Yeah, why wouldn't you wanna do that more?
Wouldn't that be a more prone to bathing nation?
There's no water in Russia.
Okay, Dave's now officially quit on our here.
Yeah.
And has now taken to a weak and cheap propaganda.
We're like obsessed with the story.
I kinda have the idea of regulating it
and then the idea of pitting it,
I mean even back then going like we're better than Russia
because even their czars don't take baths.
We are.
And this is the number one reason why.
We are.
I don't know man, Ivan Drago looked pretty clean
when he kicked Rocky's ass.
Jesus Christ, go back to England, you America-hating asshole.
How fucking dare you bring Drago into this?
Need I remind you how that one finished?
Finished?
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
He fucking won.
He won, he beat the Russian.
And even Gorbachev gets up with the fucking clever Rocky.
Cause Rocky gave the speech that was so dope.
Yeah. It is my favorite speech that was so dope. Yeah
Well, yeah, I like the one where the guy at AIDS keep going Dave
That's in the story we're moving on to the next one
Alright, what you should just a vamp on rocky for a little while long that is seriously the end of it They wrap it up with Russians don't bathe as much as we do.
It's a lot like the New York Times now, really, except just replace bathing with some other
thing.
Well, they didn't want Americans to leave that story thinking, like, we're not that
great.
So they're like, well, better than the Russians without bathing still.
Like you got to give people little props for what they do.
Yeah, people at the end are like, could be worse.
Yeah, could be a Russian.
Yeah, it could be worse. Now, excuse
me while I scoot along the floor like a dog with worms.
Death's captain. Oh, finally. They elected one.
Tuberculosis once described as captain of the men of death.
Really? Catchy. Captain of the Men of Death? That's that's Captain of the Men of Death. So, hey guys,
should we pitch on the name a little more? You really do
feel like we have it? I think we got it. Don't we just go
ahead and go Captain Death? We're Captain Death? No, what
are you nobody's gonna know what that is? They're like, it's
the manager of the supervisor of the captain of the general. I'd like to talk to the supervisor of the captain of the general
I'd like to talk to the supervisor of the captain of death. Okay tuberculosis once described as
Captain of the men of death has been demoted now ranking no higher than sergeant
BAM
Hey buddy boy, what's going on?
Heart disease of now the captain.
All right.
Claiming nearly twice as many lives as any other cause of death.
Tuberculosis now stands sixth among fatal diseases.
Hey tuberculosis, you little bitch.
You loser.
Yeah, now sick, then you're just like a soldier.
You're not even like a colonel or a captain. Yeah, whatever. then you're just like a soldier. You're not even like we gas TB a colonel or a cat
Yeah, whatever. We what are the top five?
statistics for the year 1929
Show that forever a hundred thousand population of the US a hundred eighty five died of organic heart disease
Oh, you must do organic if you're gonna do heart disease next came cancer
pneumonia brights also 1929't they just be like hunger,
joblessness.
No baths.
You know, but that wouldn't show up on the stat.
They'd just be like, well, Frank died.
What happened?
Well, he just laid down.
Organic heart disease, cancer, pneumonia, brights disease.
Brights disease, tough.
Apoplexy, apoplexy, is that what it is?
Apoplexy? Apoplexy. What that what it is? Apoplexy?
Apoplexy.
What is that?
What is apoplexy?
It's a spread.
A spread?
For toast.
Yeah, it's like I can't believe it's not butter.
But the trick, it's butter.
What are you talking about?
I'm helping.
I don't think you are at all.
This is the podcast.
I think you're hurting.
Yeah.
I never knew until right now that was disease
I thought it was an expression that you say apoplectic is just true
Yeah, I thought is like if you if you have like an overreaction you're like that news. Yeah apoplectic
Well, that's what most strokes are every time you run someone who does a stroke you go. All right relax
Settle down. It's not that big of a deal. It's not what all right, relax. What's up? Yeah.
Settle down.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's not what you think it is.
It's a blood clot.
Oh my God.
You and this whole thing.
It's traumatic.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, there you go.
Those are the deaths.
Those are the deaths.
The death number is pretty great.
Pretty fun.
That is cool.
Well, I enjoyed it.
I like tuberculosis got demoted that they said that as if it's a person
They called them in and they're like TV. We're gonna talk to you. Hey, what's up?
Numbers looking pretty good this year. Not as good as last year. I'm feeling a bounce back
They're like we're gonna have to take you're no longer the captain of the men
You're not even you're no longer even like the boss of the men. Wait, and what am I the sergeant?
No, you're just one of them in you're no longer in a visit. You're not in charge anymore the boss of the myth. Wait, what am I, the sergeant? No, you're just one of the myth.
You're no longer in a position, you're not in charge anymore is what we're saying.
I just bought a house.
Nope, you're going to lose it.
Yeah, bad timing.
Jesus Christ.
I swear to God, I'll get a bunch more people this year.
Your numbers were slipping and we had to demote you.
Yeah.
I had a tough year.
I'm writing some new stuff.
You're going to love what I'm doing.
Oh, I'm not even doing, I'm doing Beyond Lungs now. I'm writing some new stuff. You're gonna love what I'm doing. Oh, I'm not even doing
I'm doing Beyond Lungs now. I'm gonna do Hearts. Not organic. I know you guys are hung up on that version
Yeah, it's just not enough. You're not pulling your weight.
Oh Jesus. Oh no, I think I have it. See the new captain on your way out.
Pies galore.
Oh, it's a hell of a headline.
Is that a Michigan?
Six thousand pies were scattered over the landscape
when a bakery truck hit a horse and turned over three times near this city.
Jesus Christ.
Holy shit. How hard did it hit the fucking horse?
Yes.
Three times?
Three times?
That horse is awesome.
There's also like...
Is that the Trojan horse?
Horse parts scattered with those pies.
There's no way the horse walks away.
There's definitely a guy who's like,
this pie's not that good.
Charles, I think that's horse.
That's a horse.
Oh, I was gonna say, what kind of berry is this?
This pie has bones in it.
Yeah, I love pie with a little blood on top, you know.
A little fur. Fur? Hair? Horses have hair.
Definitely not fur, but I was going to let you get away with it.
Dr. Pabst, a Brooklyn dermatologist, predicts that...
We know what he came up with.
Yeah, come on.
Pabst the beer. It's spelled the same as the beer.
Dermatologist.
Yeah.
Dr. Paps, the Brooklyn dermatologist,
predicts that women of the future
will be taller and plumper.
Wait, that was the end of the pie story?
It was just one sentence?
Oh yeah, that was it, it was just one sentence.
Oh, okay.
So is this one.
All right.
I mean, when you got a winner, just let her rip.
There's no reason to expound upon what happened with the pies.
Just get into it.
We get it.
Anyway, so the future women will be taller and fatter.
We're not using fatter.
Plumper, sorry.
According to a dermatologist?
That's right.
No.
Oh, it is a dermatologist.
Yes.
His expertise, according to my dermatology expertise, women will be...
Aren't you supposed to keep an eye on moles?
Yes.
But upon my study, women are going to get fucking big.
And the reason I know this is because if you're taller and fatter, that requires more skin
to cover all of that area, and that's where I come in.
We're seeing a lot of this in what I'm doing. Women are gonna be giant.
According to my skin doctor degree. I mean everybody got yeah everybody got
bigger though I mean that's true. Aha but mainly women. Men will begin the
great shrinking. He also thinks they will tend to be more the brunette type. Yeah, I'm also predicting a big browning of the hair.
Dr. Papp's geneticist and dermatologist.
Dr. Papp, that's right.
Yeah.
So women are going to also, I am very,
as somebody who is tall, not skinny, and brunette,
how dare you, Dr. Papps? He, like, predicted my existence.
Yeah, he did.
That's very weird.
I'm not sure where this not skinny stuff's coming in,
but I know I won't belabor the point.
I got that COVID-20 that I put on during the lockdown.
Sure. Yeah, of course.
For sure.
This may constrain gentlemen to prefer blondes
because of their rarity, if for no other reason.
And men will be going after skinny, tiny blondes.
Yes.
Because they'll be rare.
In the future, it will not be uncommon
to have the blonde lady head mounted on your wall,
much like some other pelts.
They'll be that rare.
Yes.
This is one of the best headlines I've ever read.
That's saying a lot.
Something other than ghosts seen prowling around.
So it's a guy.
Man?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Could be man.
That is, the headline is something other than ghosts
seen, proud to be around.
As if that's impossible, it's impossible
that it's not a ghost.
Yeah, it really is.
Amazing.
It's an awesome headline.
This is how you sell a headline.
Cause I'm like, whoa, something supernatural?
No, Ted from Next Door.
Amazing, amazing.
Oh, here we go.
This is an irritated writer. Written in a ridiculous vein because of
the ludicrous side of all ghost stories, that of the United Street Ghost,
written in The Citizen yesterday, seems to have a more serious side.
This guy, did this guy just say? Wait, what? What?
Ludicrous side and serious side so
it sounds like the citizen paper wrote an article about a ghost and now this
paper is responding and saying you're ridiculous I love that it's not a ghost
does it say where the ghost was seen it It's on United Street. Of course. Are you near that April?
Yes, very close to it. I know the guy that it's named after would say. It says United
Street residents are believed to be annoyed by a real individual in disguise. Wait, they're
annoyed it's not a ghost? I think they're just annoyed. Well, no, they're annoyed that this guy pretending to be a ghost Yeah, it's a guy running around going
like you like, okay, I
Took your preserves
Instead of a spook it is now described as a real individual who dressed in
Flowing white robes and a white head covering or mask. It's a klan
It sounds like it's a Klansman. Yes, definitely tell the press to get this guy out of here. Oh my god. Yeah, we could have a Klansman here.
The first time a Klansman, the first time people saw a Klansman, they ghost, no, real racist. No, yeah, I'm a racist.
Give me a little credit here.
Jesus Christ, there's a pack of ghosts on horseback.
He nightly strolls in that section and has frightened a number of people.
Discussing the incident yesterday, traffic officer Camaro.
Camaro.
No, that's not real.
It's spelled like Camaro. He really that's not real. It's not like Camaro. He really,
he really did it. No traffic officers Ferrari and Camaro
said. Yeah, come on. Not real. Sergeant Porsche. Listen.
Traffic officer Camaro told of other instances where masked
men sometimes fantastically garbed have frightened people
generally with a misguided sense of humor,
but at other times with a sinister idea
behind the masquerade.
I will bet money these are planned.
Yeah, but I think this was a thing.
I think people,
because we've definitely run across this in the podcast,
people would dress up like ghosts and do stuff.
And just like walk around and be like, it's a go.
Well, think about it.
There's not a lot going on in the world.
I mean, 1932, there's a bit, but you can really.
Well, and it's also like the era of spiritualism
and like there's a lot of that going on.
So like people are very stupid, unlike now.
And they buy into that.
So I bet you it was like, I mean, I love the pitch. I love the pitch of
everyone. Everyone just being like, the clam being like, man,
we're not getting the word out. People keep thinking we're
scary ghosts.
A couple of months ago, a guy in England, who dresses up like a
gimp, like the classic gimp suit from Hulk fiction and stuff,
but didn't do didn't actually do anything. He would just walk around as a Gimp.
And whatever this village was, yeah, they were like,
well, he's technically, cause they kept calling the cops
and the cops were like, it's not illegal to walk around
and be a Gimp, but they're like, he's doing it at night
and will creep up on us.
And it's genuinely frightening.
But the guy, I think the guy eventually went,
okay, I won't do it anymore.
Told the council like my guys
Well now that's that's how he should be allowed. No, that's that's it. Hey. Hey, you know what you're please continue
We feel bad. You know
Like everyone was like sorry, but you keep creeping us out like just don't do it
Appreciate art I was like, sorry, but you keep creeping us out. Like, just don't do it at night. This village doesn't appreciate art. Gimp out!
Jesus, we really pissed him off.
You know who I'm is.
The Gimp.
No.
Well, there's also about a lot of clown,
and this is really happening in France like 10 years ago,
but there's the clown thing where the crazy evil clowns
were popping up everywhere and scaring people.
That was the thing.
That happened in England.
That I would be like immediate death penalty.
That's a problem.
Yeah, that's a problem.
That's weird, that's what I'm for.
I mean, getting murdered by a clown
must be the hardest way to,
like you must be going through that like,
I'm overwhelmed and it's not just death.
Oh, if I turn around, if I'm walking down the street
and I turn a corner at night and the clown's there.
Hello, Rachel.
Self defense all day.
Like I'm, you're, that's so terrifying.
What about if you're in a Taco Bell at two in the morning,
you look across the street
and there's a guy putting up a fascist sign
and he's wearing a Michael Myers mask.
What's going on?
What's going on with you? He is wearing a Michael Myers mask. What's going on? What's going on with you?
He is wearing a Michael Myers mask.
What do you do?
Hey, what are you talking about?
Just a hypothetical.
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I don't.
It's a hypothetical.
It isn't.
It's like you're connecting it
to the last time you talked about this
where it was also not connected then.
Total hypothetical.
Officer Camero says he has not given up the idea of arresting him and will continue his vigilance
until the Masquerader is either captured
or ceases his wanderings.
Steven, then that's another thing you can't, I'm sorry.
It's arrest him for walking down the street
with a robot?
Like, that's not...
So you do defend the Klan, Rachel?
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha So you do defend the clan, Rachel?
Let me back it up a little bit.
You're lucky you're working under a pseudonym because that could be problematic for you.
But even that's great.
If I'm pranking somebody and they're like, hey, especially something like I'm walking
down the street and saying,
boo, what exactly would that count as?
I'm playing the role of a guy who jacks off
in a trench coat.
I will say this, we changed our high school marquee.
It used to be, obviously they kind of had
like the plastic letters that you take down and rearrange.
And my senior year, we changed it to Mr. Show Quotes
so often that they got a digital marquee. They completely took it down and got a digital...
That's so good.
Dude, I can send you pictures. And we did do it at two in the morning. Took a ladder out there.
I put emotion lotion on our high school marquee and I'm a superstar and a superstar machine and stuff like that.
So really just the lyrics from one song.
No, we did on it once too.
We did the one remember where it's like,
excuses are the gas that keep you in the driveway of life
or something like that.
The one where Bob is pretending to be
that Hemingway character.
Anyway, so many of them for like six straight months
that the teachers at school, everyone would be like,
what are you doing?
They're freaking out. And of course they're like like, ha ha. And then they got a digital
market that you can't change unless you hack their computers or something.
Which is very possible too.
I'm sure somebody's doing that now. Whatever they put on one of that is now.
You've got to figure out a way to get back in and put up more mystery show quotes.
At 45 years old, I'll go back to my high school. Well, I mean, there's people who are our age who are doing crazy things with signs.
I've heard. I'm not sure if I know of any personally, but...
No, no.
Women in football.
It looks as though the male cohorts who have been struggling to maintain their illusion of sex superiority
Wow!
Would have to throw in the sponge and take the long count
This guy...
I understand like four of those words
Well they don't make sense
What?
This guy is like, I will make everything about football
Great, what do you know about football? So little.
I'm throwing in the sponge, boys.
The sponge.
Throw in the sponge. Well, but in a way, I guess, right? I mean, April, you're a big
Rocky fan, so you can maybe speak to this. But there is a sponge in the corner too that
they kind of whet the men down with.
Sure.
Maybe before it became throwing in the towel, it was thrown in the sponge.
They threw in the sponge. Yeah.
They threw in the sponge.
Fair.
That's a fair assessment.
Except not in Russia because they didn't have water in the bucket at that time.
Yeah.
They can't afford sponges because of communism.
What these walls are?
It was bad enough to have voting booths, barbershops, offices, and smoking rooms invaded by the
conquering feminine horde.
Wow. smoking rooms invaded by the conquering feminine horde. Wow! My god, first of all,
horde for a minute I thought was not gonna be horde and I was like this is... I thought it was gonna go somewhere else too. I want that list again. Okay, these are four. Yes. Sure. Another question.
Barbershop.
Maybe you don't understand this, Rachel,
but it's where we did our man stuff.
I don't understand.
It's so strange to me for a culture
who probably wanted to get laid
as often as our culture now.
Yeah.
Being like, they can't come into the places where we are like,
if a woman was in a smoking room in this time,
wouldn't you be like, this is good.
There are women around, it's better.
But there's like 40 guys like,
you can't whack off while having a cigar anymore.
It must've been so easy to hit on women back then,
because you just stroll up and be like,
you know what, I think you should vote
and I bet you can read, can't you?
Oh my God, are you fucking kidding?
Like the bar for that like male feminist shit?
Like I'm sure that it was like Niagara fucking falls
in a ladies pants if a guy came up and was like,
you know what, I think you should have
the barest minimum of rights.
And they're like, oh yeah dude.
Yeah, of course, it would have been so easy.
You know, I think you should be able to wear pants
if you want to.
Oh, so when?
Yeah, let's do it in this voting room.
Oh, man.
I want to go back there.
You should be allowed to vote.
Do you want to go to my car in 69?
Because we have bags now.
Exactly.
Hey, I think you should be able to have your own bank account.
Let's go to my bedroom.
Yeah, exactly.
I've got a deposit.
But now comes the devastating news
that women threaten to outpoint men in football conversation,
too, from no less an authority than Kristi Walsh,
head of the All-American Radio Football Show,
who probably knows more famous coaches and football
experts than any man in gridiron circles.
So he's just mad.
Okay, so it's not even playing football,
it's women talking about football.
That's right.
It's a problem, it's a problem.
Wow!
It's a problem.
I mean, they're in the smoking rooms,
they're in the voting booths,
they won't shut up about football.
But this guy's also, like this article,
not that it ever made sense,
but it did start from a kind of overview. Like, women are, okay, so this guy's also like this article not that it ever made sense But it did start from a kind of overview like women are okay
So this guy's worried that women and it's all about Christy short. Yeah, yes
Well, shut the fuck up the guy who wrote this article didn't get the job that Chris. No, he did not. Yes
Yeah, he was like I'm supposed to be that radio announcer. How dare I'm a man
Yeah, and then turning into,
but also women in general shouldn't have stuff.
But Christie, yeah, exactly, that's all that is.
Women have superior aptitude for football strategy,
says Walsh, who travels 30,000 miles in a football season
to get the viewpoint of the fan in the bleachers.
When they make the football boners
that are the basis of so many
jokes, it is usually to flatter the ego of some male escort.
What? Hold on.
By the way, I got a football boner when the Packers won.
Everything about that sentence. Wait, when they make the football boners...
Wait, say the sentence again!
Dave, real slow though.
When they make the football boners that are the basis of so many jokes,
it is usually to flatter the ego of some male escort.
That's a great line.
Yeah, yeah. Everything about it is poetry.
So it's...
The football boner.
They're saying that women make jokes about football to impress the men who are escorting them to the football games
I think they're saying that women women
Fuck up and say something. Oh when he made that touchdown. Did he put it in the basket?
Yeah, I think he's saying that women say dumb things about football to make a man feel better
Cheryl you've had you've made another football boner. Yes. Yes. Okay Christ
I just wanted to get that clear. Do you see why you can't vote the fuck? Are you talking about?
Yeah, you get also at this time is football huge already in the night. Yeah
Ready in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty big. Is it a big deal? Yeah. Okay
Women who go to football games without me or males give me the best questions
Continues Walsh who has interviewed such great football generals as Pop Warner. That was an actual guy
Yeah, oh, yeah stag a a stag
Chicago's patriarch gloomyomy Gil Dobie,
the Cornell leader.
I don't wanna do an interview, but I guess I will.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
So gloomy.
And Major Frank Kavanaugh of Fordham.
If she's trying to really get to men,
that's the way to do it.
Not only be like, yeah, she knows more,
but just be like, honestly, the most intelligent
questions came from women who went to the games without men.
They're like, it's amazing.
Miss Newt Rockne was one of the great football strategists of all time.
And so was Miss Walter Camp before her continues this expert exploding this latest
refugee of male superiority. Wow, wow.
Oh, how dare she
refugee.
Refugee. Oh, amazing. Wonderful. Also, this is like a I feel like
this is going to be what was that movie where they let the
women be a town women be rocket scientists,
you know that one, right?
It's like.
Oh, yeah.
And they, I feel like this is a similar,
where they were like, women can do that.
This is kind of, I could see a movie of this
where the women come in and go,
what if we do this play and this play and they're like,
what?
And then the Super Bowl is won and they're like,
we let four women win the Super Bowl
April we'd like to have fun here on this show, but there there are boundaries and
I'm not like I enjoy fun little premise for me
You know what, you know what we we stopped making rape jokes, so maybe you can stop making football jokes
It's fair. It's fair.
You made a football boner.
You made a football boner right here on the show.
You love Drago.
You're making football boners.
You were this upset when I was talking about Plmen, and then now I really hit a nerve.
Well, now we know what to cut out.
I mean, this cannot air.
I have a career outside of this.
I was livid.
I was overwhelmed with emotion during the Klan part,
for those of you who are listening.
So, last one, we'll wrap it up on this.
Human body's value drops 30%. Oh my God, what? More details,
please. That feels like it could be from a silicon like email right now. The chemical
value of the human body shows a drop of over 30% in the last five years, says Dr. Arthur
Wilson, chemistry department head at North Carolina State College. Dr. Wilson figures the per pound value of the human body
has fallen from six cents in 1928 to four cents now.
Let me get a pound of human thin sliced.
Yes, and also six cents a pound is nothing.
It's not great.
Turkey's more.
That's crazy.
Okay, using beefsteak, lard, sugar,
and ordinary mineral salts as equivalents of the protein,
fats and other components of the human body, Dr. Wilson calculated that at 1928 prices,
a 150-pound man was worth about $9, but that at present the price, he is only worth $6.
This article should only, the only way this exists is if the writer is an undercover
cop who's like, tell me more about how you're buying humans.
Like why is this?
Okay.
They're cheap now.
Mate, you can get a man 150, 155, $6.
Really?
Oh yeah.
Tell me more.
Well, I like to make a man into a party son. Interesting.
Who's your dealer? Who do you get these human bodies from? Oh I just go to, I just, I pretend
I'm a professor and I just go get cadavers. Speak into my lapel and tell me what you do
with these human bodies when you pay six dollars a pound for them. We make them into sandwiches
and sometimes we build baloney towers. Go ahead, Trent.
Can I get seven pounds of Ed?
Sure, absolutely. Ed's doing great right now.
Hey, can both of you guys come down to the newspaper office slash precinct and answer some more of my questions?
I think I speak for both of us when I say we'd love to.
Thank you. Thank you.
How much do you weigh, Rachel?
Oh...
Yeah.
I roughly...
I can't do math. I wish I could do math.
The joke would be great if I could spill you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
There we go! She can't do math!
That's why we don't invite you in the math rooms!
Yeah. That's why you can't vote, and let me tell you something here's the problem okay pound to her
right now might be whatever maybe 30 35 cents max okay I have it from a friend
of mine who checks out my moles for discoloration who thinks that women
I'm not this is a private man car how can can you hear it? Men are talking to men.
I thought I was speaking at a tent or a woman couldn't pick up on.
Yeah, my buddy Dr. Pham.
He thinks they're going to get bigger and their hairs are going to get browner.
And talk about plumping.
I mean, these women are going to be the size of a football boner.
Hold on.
Is there any parts of this art?
I simply must know why this information. That's it.
That's it. There's no explanation as to why there is a price.
Look within yourself to find out why you have questions about this man pricing out human.
I mean, it's pretty straightforward journalism. That's right.
What's the headline again for that one? Human body's value drops 30%.
It's crazy.
True story.
It's crazy.
It's like talking about Bitcoin.
Imagine if you had any modern news station on and that was on the Kyron.
That rolled across the screen.
Breaking news?
Wow, we're losing value.
Yes.
That sucks.
Oh man.
Amazing.
Well, April it was a normal paper. It was a normal hang. That sucks. Oh man. Amazing. Well, April, it was a normal paper.
It was a normal hang.
Normal times.
We appreciate it.
Yes.
So if you want to see, if people want to see you interview your real friends, not people
like Dave and I, they can go to your Patreon, patreon.com slash April Richardson.
Yes.
And thank you for being a guest on The Past Times.
Of course.
I think I speak for both of us when I say we'd let you.
We like you.
Thanks guys.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
So yeah, we're just being cool dudes.
Yeah.
We are.
Anyway, but keep football at your god damn door.
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