The Joe Rogan Experience - #2131 - Brian Simpson
Episode Date: April 5, 2024Brian Simpson is a stand-up comic who hosts the "Bottom of the Barrel" improvised comedy show at the Comedy Mothership and his own podcast, "BS with Brian Simpson." Watch his new special, "Brian Simps...on: Live from the Mothership," on Netflix. www.briansimpsoncomedy.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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The Joe Rogan Experience.
Trained by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Let's go.
Netflix special. What's up?
Netflix special live from the mothership, streaming on Netflix right now.
The first special live from the mothership to be streamed on Netflix.
Yeah, man.
How's that? It's exciting, man. It's great, too on Netflix. Yeah, man. How's that?
It's exciting, man.
It's great, too, man.
Yeah, yeah.
You nailed it.
You fucking nailed it.
It's got a good positive response from the comedy
community, too.
Beautiful.
Yeah, yeah.
Beautiful.
Everybody's loving it.
Yeah, and it's just going to keep getting stronger now.
I know.
It's such a nice feeling, man.
It's so nice to watch this happen for you,
because you're one of the guys that came out here early.
You took an early risk.
Yeah.
A lot of people in the beginning were like,
what the fuck is everybody doing moving to Texas
in the middle of the pandemic?
Yeah, but honestly, it didn't feel like that big of a risk.
Well, maybe at the time, I don't remember, man,
but it felt like an easy decision when I made it.
But it was a last minute thing. From the time I I don't remember, man, but it felt like an easy decision when I made it. But it was a last minute thing. I literally, from the time I decided to move, like I was
moving to the time I moved, I think it was like a month.
Yeah, it was quick for me too, man. I mean, I came out here in May of 2020, and I started
looking at houses immediately. And then, you know, we got, there was like, you know, a little hesitation
with Mrs. Rogan and the girls were really into it right away because when we got out here,
you could jump in the lake. People were partying. It was like, we went on a boat. My real estate
agent's a genius. She took us out on the lake and she showed us like, this is the life out here.
People are having fun and everybody was terrified
in LA.
Everybody was wearing masks outside.
It was just, here like no one had masks on outside.
You go to restaurants and my daughters just wanted a life,
a real life.
And that's back when they were like,
they were fucking with the store.
Yeah, bad.
Like the city, it was so crazy for the store
to be two blocks from, what's that country bar? Road, what is it, Roadhouse? Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch, it was so crazy for the store to be two blocks from what's that country bar?
Road, what is it roadhouse?
Saddle it was too much from center and saddle ranch
Had you know a hundred people out there with little dividers between them and everything and then the store
They tried to have they tried to do the same thing
But they put comedy outside with like the vatters in front of everybody and everything in the city was still like no
Yeah, that's live performance. Shut it down. We couldn't do comedy through the fucking window
My friend's brother worked for the city and worked in the kovat
Department and one of the women who was in charge of making the decision to close down outdoor dining
He said to her there's no evidence down outdoor dining. He said to her, there's no
evidence that outdoor dining causes a spread and she said yeah but it's about
optics. It's about optics. So some person who none of their money is dependent
upon business being open, they get that same check every week. That check is
that's what you get. You work for the fucking state. This is my check. She
didn't give a fuck about just stopping
millions and millions of dollars in business
and stopping all of these restaurants
from being able to stay alive.
All these people that, you know,
you ever worked in a restaurant?
Oh yeah.
That's work, man.
That's work.
When I was, I guess I was 21, I was dating this girl
who she got a degree in hotel management and hospitality,
like that kind of thing.
And dude, the hours that she had to work were crazy.
Right out of college, she was working like all day long.
12 hour days were normal.
And if you were a manager,
you'd come in on Saturday if they needed you,
you'd do everything that they ask you to do,
and you don't make any money.
That's so cruel.
The amount of money that a restaurant makes, like a restaurant has to be like really killing it to make money.
Right.
Generally, they're just above the part where they're losing money.
Just above. They do pretty, if they're packed, they're doing great, but there's nights that they're not packed and then you got all this food you bought. That's how most comedy clubs are.
Exactly. Yeah. We're just, we're living in some dreamland. Yeah. Well, yeah,
mothership doesn't have to worry about that at all. We, I don't know how that happened so well.
It's crazy how it happened so well. Oh yeah. Yeah. Every single night. We could have never,
like when we were, we used, Brian and I,
for people who don't know,
we would sit in the green room of the Vulcan.
And this was the dark days where, like,
no one knew what was gonna happen
with live performance anywhere.
There was no touring. Nobody was touring.
Well, Burt was touring still.
He was doing parking lots.
Oh, right.
He was doing those drive-in shows.
He's a savage. But he's the only one. Actually, no, him and... Eliza did it too. Yeah doing parking lots. Oh, right. He was doing those drive-in shows. He's a savage.
He's the only one.
Actually, no, him and Eliza did it too.
Yeah, him and Eliza, right.
A few other people did it too.
I don't know, man.
But Burt invented the drive-in thing.
But the point is, it was weird.
We didn't know what was gonna happen.
And then we would be talking about,
we gotta build a club.
Because Ron White literally grabbed me by my shoulders
You know, it's like whatever the fuck we have to do. We're opening up a fucking club here
We're gonna fucking keep doing this. I was like, okay, we got to keep doing this
It was literally Ron white grabbing me in November of 2020. It was the first time he had been on stage and he crushed
Not only did he crush the ovation that he got when he was walking to that stage
Holy shit, I forget who brought him up. I think it was Duncan
I forget who brought him up, but whoever brought him up the fucking ovation that he got was so insane
You saved him too because he was he went from retiring to now. He's on the road again. Yeah, I was telling you retiring. What are you talking about? They invited me to his retirement party. I go. I'm not going you for gazing
There's no way that's real you're not quitting you're one of the best comics alive
You get to do one of the most amazing things make people happy
Make a bunch of people just laugh and feel so good
And he's and he's better than ever better than ever better than ever sharper than ever always writing and
Enthusiastic like he's revived. Yeah, I think dudes get to a certain age where they have this thing in their head where oh
This is not my thing anymore. I'm gonna just like settle why are you alive?
Are you alive? Can you still kill you can still do it right?
George Carlin died on the road son. He died in a hotel room like a fucking soldier
That's true. It was like a thousand years old
Whining about the country, you know and George Carlin had a career that lasted for like 50 plus years
lasted for like 50 plus years. Yeah, and then Bob Saget died on the road?
Bob Saget died tragically.
That's a horrible one, man.
Fell, blacked out, fell and hit his head.
You know, we saw our friend Duncan
the other night black out.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Duncan fainted at the Black Keys concert
and he didn't know he was fainting.
He didn't know what was going on.
And I caught it, Red Band grabbed me and he goes,
look what's going on over here with Duncan.
And I got over to him and our security guy had caught him
before he fell, but I thought he tripped over this box
cause there was like open, you know,
those boxes they use for equipment.
There was, cause we were backstage, we were in the corn.
We had this dope spot to watch the show and
When he grabbed him when Bruce grabbed him Duncan
Just seemed weird. It's I grabbed my monkey. Okay. Did you get hurt?
He goes no I go did that thing fall on you and Bruce like no he fell on it and I go
What happened he goes? I don't know I'm fine though
I'm fine, but then I feel his body like giving out in my hands
So I've got my hands on him cuz I was helping him out, but I feel him giving out and so yeah
Hey, man, you okay? Are you okay? And so he starts like
Slumping you know and I go hey, we're gonna get let's let's sit you down
Let's sit you down and we're trying to figure out what's going on and you know he was sober. It wasn't a drug
It wasn't anything like that. No, we sit him down. I go you already. It's so weird, man
I just felt so weird. I just all the sudden I just like I just was
Passing out and he goes out again
He just goes out again right there and I grab him I go hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, and then they get EMTs and then this lady comes to take care of him
And this dude comes and they we carry him over to a cot. I think he was locking out his knees
I don't know what it was so you know what was weird is that we haven't talked about this since that happened
Yeah, I talked about it with him
Yeah, he doesn't I don't know if he knows we're gonna talk about it on
You think so Should're gonna talk about it on the podcast. Oh yeah, he probably doesn't want us to talk about it.
You think so?
I don't know.
Should we not talk about it?
I don't know.
Let's put a placeholder in there.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
How did I get to that point though?
We're talking about drugs, no.
We're talking about...
Blacking out?
Oh, Bob Saget.
Oh, Bob Saget down.
So Bob Saget just fainted, which fucking happens, man.
I mean, you could, there's a lot of people
that want to blame it on the vaccine
and blame it on this and that.
Like, might maybe, but also people faint, unfortunately.
It's, I've seen people faint stone cold sober.
Tony Hinchcliffe fainted one night at the Comedy Store
so bad he banged his head.
And everybody's really worried about him. Just fainted, you know, it happens. I fainted in boot camp. Oh shit
Yeah, right after them telling us not to lock out our legs
I wasn't listening
Everybody's over you it's like time travel why you were explaining this to me
But it didn't make any sense to me, the locking out the legs thing. Yeah, for whatever reason, like if you're standing still for a
long period of time and you fully extend your knees, it just, it cuts off circulation or
something. But yeah, I've seen people drop like flies, like if you ever had a parade
or something, you'll see people drop like that. What a dumb feature in human beings.
The medical name is orthostatic posture syncope.
Happens at churches, graduations, weddings, or at events when standing a long time.
More common if one keeps the knees locked.
This pools the blood in the leg veins.
A person who stands long enough in one place will faint.
Holy shit.
I thought that was a myth.
Nah, I've seen it happen a lot.
That's crazy.
Multiple people, I would have argued with that
to the end of time.
I was like, no, no, I'm not fainting.
If I lock my legs out, I'm not fainting.
I am not fainting.
Some people don't.
I think if you have really good circulation.
I blacked out once, and it was so embarrassing. Was it from just
standing? No I was in a FA-18 going six and a half G's. Well that's kind of a humble
bragging. Well no no no because I got through more G's. I got through seven and
a half G's. We did seven and a half and I was I was on the verge of blacking out
and first of all these pilots these, they're not using gravity suits.
And those Air Force and Navy pilots that fly those jets,
those guys are jacked, dude.
They have to be really fit
because part of the thing is forcing blood into your brain.
So while you're like,
while you're steering this fucking insane vehicle, dude,
when you're in one of those things
and you realize what they can do,
and he took me for a ride
We went through the mountains. He's going
I mean we're only like a hundred two hundred feet off the ground this fucking dude is expertly piling
Piloting this thing through trenches and shit. It was why it was terrifying, but then he was explaining to me
Okay, you know they take you through this whole training course with the blue angels and then he was explaining to me, okay, you know, they take you through this whole training course with the Blue Angels, and then he's explaining to me, okay, now when you hit the
high G's, you've got to grab onto your straps, like where your legs are, and they grab onto
their, the joystick.
But whatever you're grabbing onto, you grab onto and you do a thing called hooking.
So you go like this, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, and you're forcing blood into
your head to stay conscious and then the gravity, the G
force is pushing down on your and your consciousness is like elevator doors.
And you go like, so I'm doing this and I hear him doing it.
And I'm like, oh my God, he's experienced what I'm experiencing too.
And flying.
And I thought he's maybe immune to it by now, right?
No, he's going hoot, hoot, hoot.
And I'm going, oh my God, this is insane.
Just the physical demands that it takes to fly one of those things.
Like you have a car that handles well, you have a nice car.
When you take turns in that car, you know how your body kind of goes sideways a little bit,
you get it correct a little if you're really going fast.
I mean, they're really, they handle so flat, but you feel the Gs, you feel the thing when you're turning.
Imagine that times, I don't know what the volume is, but this thing is going what is it 500 miles an hour?
200 feet off the ground pushing from everywhere, bro. I don't know. It's just so immense the pressure
So immense so I got through that and then we did this other turn. That was not as many G's I
want
Four and a half or something like that. It wasn't nearly as
many but I didn't hook. I didn't do the thing. I thought I was gonna be fine and
I just blacked out threw up. Oh man. I got through the harder part. I got through the
harder part and I just fucking slacked off. I think I was so blown away by the
experience. So blown away by what these things, what it feels like
when you're inside one of those things and what they're capable of doing.
It's so mind blowing.
It changes your idea of what a thing can do.
You know how like, look, if you're in your car, especially like your car, your car's
fast, it handles well.
When you're in your car, you have a completely different sense
of what a car can do than if you're in like a 1970 pickup truck with a shitty six-cylinder
engine and fucking, you know, bleh, bleh, bleh. Your car is going, heee, it's gone.
Now when you get in a Tesla, it's that times five. Because Teslas are insane. They don't
make any noise, and they go zero to sixty in 1.9 seconds
So it's just like this
the car disappears now that
times
Hundreds is what this jet's doing
It's so fucking fast and did you tell them to pull a little extra on it? No, I said, let's go brother, let's go.
He was like, you ready to do this?
I'm like, let's fucking do this.
I was in, I was in.
I was like, this is what these guys do.
I wanna experience it.
Take me for the real ride.
And it is a ride, dude.
It's a, it changes your, your, your reference points.
Imagine the fucking ego you have to have to be,
to be that kind of pilot well
They're all men
These are men men
These are like jacked men who are like real friendly and super polite and they always drink their water
And they always get their pull-ups in these these guys are men
And they have a full gym set up there these guys are in shape constantly
You do not get out of shape if you're doing that you cannot get out of shape Men and they have a full gym set up there. These guys are in shape constantly
You do not get out of shape if you're doing that you cannot get out of shape. It's too hard, bro
It's bananas. How hard it is. You miss one hook you dead
You're dead and you're gonna have to eject and you're gonna give up that you crashed a one billion dollar jet
Or whatever the fuck those things cost didn't somebody crash recently
There's a couple crashes there was one where a guy had to eject like it lost power or something like that
So he ejects and it slams into the mountains of North Carolina. It was crazy
Yeah, just ran out of gas and slammed in the mountains, but the guy parachuted down
I believe in that one when there was another one more recent, before that, rather, not as recent, where
there was like this crazy fiery crash and like they were doing tests and the guy lost
control of the jet.
Bro, you could lose control of one of those things.
No warranty.
Dude, I'm telling you, when you're in it, it's not what I thought.
I thought you're like, hey, just fuckin' spirit.
No, it's the physical force on your body.
It's insane.
Insane.
There's no way I would do it for a living.
That's why the UFO shit is so perplexing.
Because whatever those things are,
if they're ours, nobody's in them.
No fuckin' chance.
No chance.
Nobody's in those things.
Because you would be turned into Jello, that from going from changing directions so quickly what they're doing is
Moving us. What was it like that? They estimated the tic-tac to go. I think it was 13,000 G's
Something insane where it moves so fast because it went from
Supposedly went from above our atmosphere which is
like above 50,000 feet down to like 50 feet in a second and didn't crash not
only didn't crash stopped dead and hovered they're like what what can do
that and what happens to the people that are in that you're gone bro you're
missed you're pink mist you're like those people in that submarine
You just splat bro, I just speaking of that shit. I just watched I just watched a youtube video about
Another fucking incident. What's the name of it boeing? No, it wasn't boeing. No, no. This was a long time ago
It was this was a mining uh a mining rig
Where the guys all the guys got all the guys got sucked through a door.
Oh.
Like a door was cracked.
And actually, only one guy died that way, but because that door got cracked, it killed
everybody inside.
Oh my God.
You know, like that deep sea, especially when it was new that deep sea like mining shit
Because you have to those guys have to live
Oh my god
Sucked into an oil pipe. Oh my god. No, this is this isn't it
But still like Jesus Christ sucked it on an oil pipe. Yeah, some of these people cuz they would they would uh
Did you see that one with that sinkhole opened up in the bottom of a pool of a swimming pool yeah the whole pool drained and
people got sucked into the sinkhole and died what the fuck yeah where did this happen i don't know
israel oh bro sinkholes are crazy i mean sinkholes are crazy and they're everywhere some of them the
weird thing is some of them they look like they look like someone cored the
earth like they're circular so look at this
it just a hole opens in the bottom of the fucking pool starts spreading.
Oh, did people go in there?
Yeah, people went in there, man.
Bro, that shit is deep.
Oh yeah, you gone.
Look at this.
How crazy must that have feel to see the thing just implode in the bottom and a hole open
up like a curse was put on the pool?
And what is my man doing right here?
No one knows what the fuck to do man
Yeah, but that dude is he's like he gonna reach in there and grab something because he's trying to think where his family is
People got fall they I mean how deep is that fucking thing if you get sucked into that with all that water
Yeah, you go. Oh my god
Terrifying thing is there's no way that it's smooth.
Oh, you're dead on the way down.
You're dead on the way down.
You're face bashed in.
Look at those edges and shit.
Did you see that one where that hole opened up?
That's my biggest fear.
I don't want to die in a, like, where I can't move.
What do you call it?
With rocks crushing your head, drowning.
Just any kind of closed space where they just take my space. Yeah, well, I just lost her phobia
I just told the CIA how to torture me. They already know how to talk to you bro
I'm taking all the secrets just checked your Twitter and ran through an algorithm
They know how to torture you what what was that one? Jamie where a hole opened up that was so big
It was like it was it was circular. It looked fake
a hole opened up that was so big it was like it was it was circular it looked fake we had a we had a confirmed that it was real even though it looked like
really bizarrely fake it looks so fake it looks like CGI what is it we're gonna
pull it up you're right okay you know what it is, right?
That's a terrifying way to go though.
The earth just gives out from under you.
Yeah, and I would give up immediately.
I went to Pompeii when I was in Italy
and that's a wild one, dude.
So it's still there?
Yeah, yeah, you can go there.
I ain't know, they let people walk through it.
Oh yeah, you can walk through it.
Yeah, it's like a museum.
They can go, you can see where these people lived. They've uncovered walk through it. Oh yeah, you can walk through it. Yeah, it's like a museum. They can go, you can see where these people lived.
They've uncovered most of it, you know,
and they uncover people,
and they have the people on display,
and the people are just like stone.
They just got impregnated with ash,
and all that's left is like their form.
But why go into that pose?
Like right when you-
Because it just overcame them like a wave.
You don't understand what a volcano eruption is like.
Ice Cube is the only reason I know what pyroclastic flow is.
What is that? What a great lyric.
I know, right?
Ice Cube's got some great fucking lyrics.
That's it. Look at that. That's a real sinkhole, bro.
Wow. How insane is that? That's it. Look at that. That's a real sinkhole, bro Wow
How insane is that?
It looks like someone took an apple core to the earth
Like look how smooth it is. It seems like the sort of thing they should be able to predict
No, they can't though man, because there's underwater currents and streams and rivers
We can't keep an accurate assessment of exactly what's going on under the surface and what kind of erosion is taking place
And what kind of cavities are everywhere.
That's that's like a gateway to hell.
So apparently and I'm like a movie.
I'll be off about this but apparently everything behaves like a liquid like all that says is
created by humans.
Okay, sign up for it if you have to.
It was like everything behaves like a liquid just on a, like solids just do it
on a slower scale.
Like all the little fundamental parts of it are moving like liquid.
You know why you know that?
Earthquakes.
You ever been in an earthquake?
Oh yeah.
It feels like the earth became like you were on a raft.
That's another part of the reason why I left California.
It was like everyone was living there acting like that shit wasn't on the way. You know
what I mean? Like that shit's overdue, bro. And it's gonna fuck shit up. It's gonna fuck
shit up in an incomprehensible way. I got to LA in 94 and it was right after the earthquake.
And I got to see giant sections of the highway that had collapsed on top of cars you could see it
It was all the highways were collapsed right in front of you
You could see where they collapsed and I was like I am never going that way
Whatever needs to be done that way. I'm going all the way the fuck around
I am NOT gonna be on the bottom of that thing. I don't even want to be on the top and ride it out
I think you'll die that way too, But the people on the bottom are dead as fuck.
They're definitely gone.
Diggity dead as fuck.
That's a terrible way to die.
Or to be in some building that collapses on top.
Some of the bridges would fall off
and people would just drop.
You'd see the cars just drop.
But that's what happened in Baltimore.
Bro, oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fuck that.
Fuck that.
Fuck being on that bridge.
Fuck, fuck that. In a place where there's earthquakes
And how about bro that's Taiwan right Taiwan just had a big-ass earthquake 7.5
What did that happen just now just like a couple days ago Wow look at that look at that building man
I mean the fact that it's even still up is kind of crazy I'm bro. What kind of building goes they got in Taiwan?
Wow
Damn all these builders
Fucking stood to yeah a lot of buildings stood but a lot of buildings didn't see the whole thing with buildings
Like if you make a building in California, you have to you have earthquake regulations
You have to make your building sturdy in a way that's supposed to be able to tolerate at least a little bit of earth
Yeah, but who's this? I mean, but how do they know you didn't until everybody did?
I had a problem with the house I had once and
The the contractors had cut corners all over the place
We didn't realize it until we moved in and then it became a real problem real pain in the ass
He was like who the fuck Somebody on the take somebody not catch all this stuff, but it's just they don't they just don't have the time the regulators
Don't have the time
There's not enough money to go and check everybody and that's why when when people say you don't need regulation with construction
I'm like listen bitch. You need that those dudes are shady if you don't if you don't yeah
It's a countdown to the building fall
I should be real clear. I know some great guys that are contractors
I know some awesome people that build houses and build buildings and they're great people and they're super ethical
But I've also met so many shady ones. I don't know any good ones. They're all
No, I think it's like three out of ten or shady
That's what I think at least somewhat shady and it's just fucking
It's a hard world to navigate if you don't know somebody, you know
If you know a guy and he can tell you I got a fucking great contractor. He's an awesome guy
You'll love him and you're like whoo
Okay. Now I'm in business with someone I really like to see I like that. Yeah, I mean well, it's a business where
The only way for you to make
more money is to fuck over your customer. To make more money than you're supposed to.
Right. After you've already agreed on the money. Yeah. The only other way for you to
make more money. You're not getting tipped at 10. I know. It's almost like there's a
fine line between someone who charges too much, but they do an amazing job. I'd rather
deal with that person. I'd rather deal with that person as well.
Yeah, I want someone to be,
I want them to be compensated for their work
and I want them to feel proud of what they do.
You know, I have a friend who's a carpenter
and he'll talk about buildings,
he'll show me pictures and shit.
It's like, this is a beautiful house that this guy created
and it's like for him, it's like a bit that killed.
Yeah, it's like a bit.
So, look at this house we made for this guy and he's showing me the pictures my man. That's incredible
You know the problem too is is when you're
Especially when you talk about hiring people to build a house for you
They know how much money you work on me so they know they can squeeze you here squeeze you there
You know, yeah, they definitely in some cases they do They know what they can get away with and what they can't.
Oh yeah, well it's the rich, when people think you rich,
they always charge extra and...
Some people do, but some people don't.
And the people that don't, you really appreciate.
Some people give you free stuff.
Yeah, but there are definitely people
that try to take advantage of you, and it's kinda gross.
It's like, come on man.
Yeah, but I think people don't know better. They've got to know better. They just there's a weird that's a weird if you're
charging someone more because you think the person is more successful you're doing this
weird thing like they owe you more like they don't care like this is like come on we're
just supposed to be people. Like do you have a charge for your goods and services? That's
like you know there's people that think you owe them your privacy.
Like they'll run up to your family at Disneyland.
Like, hey man, I don't mean to interrupt, but you're interrupting.
I'm with my kids.
I get how people just think this is their one chance to say hi.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
Like, Brian Simpson, oh shit, is there one chance?
And I get it.
It's just like sometimes you can't do it.
But it's like when you see, it's almost like when you see
Indiana Jones sitting there with the bag,
trying to swap it out real quick.
You can just leave it there, Indiana.
Get the fuck out of there.
Yeah, but I get it.
You're a professor.
It's a lot of pressure of like,
but this is my last chance to fucking, fuck those rules.
Yeah, I get that.
But, you know, it's a price that you pay.
Price of fame?
Yeah, it's a weird life.
It's a price you pay.
What a great life, though.
Well, listen, we are the luckiest people alive.
We get to do what we love to do, and it's fun,
and we get to hang out with each other.
I laugh so much in the mothership green room.
It really is, like, it's the place I laugh the most.
Me too, me too.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Especially after sets, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
Before sets.
Between shows, between the late early shows
and the late shows is the best time.
Yeah, because we're primed.
We've already gotten off stage.
Especially if Tony's had a good set.
Yeah.
He gets the ball rolling. Yeah, if Tony's had a good set. Yeah
He gets the ball rolling yeah, he's not upset at anybody. Can you fucking?
He is a firebrand let me tell you know him and Lucas are endless when him and Lucas start roasting each other It's endless. It's endless. They never run out of shit to talk about I thought I thought
It's endless. It's endless.
They never run out of shit to talk about.
I thought David Lucas has proven to me that there's literally infinite ways to call someone
gay.
I don't think he's ever going to get to the last one.
He just finds different references.
Different references.
Yeah.
It's just the two of them just laughing and going at each other. I swear to God when when I'm a guest on Kill Tony and David and Tony
are roasting each other, it's harder than I ever laugh. Anything. Because it's in
the moment and I know they're slinging. They're shooting from the hip.
They're just using their brain, you know, and killing each other. Sometimes we get a
little private one in the green room. Yes, we get those all the time. We got that last night, but it's just the the reaction. It's just it's so fun, man
Fuck we're so lucky to kill Tony's here, too
You know dude that show is so important. It's so important just just to let people know like it's just about being funny
I know there's all this other stuff that gets wrapped up into it because you're trying to establish your identity
and you're trying to let people know how you feel about things and you want to make sure everybody knows you're on the right side
but really
what you should be doing is just doing comedy.
Do comedy and if you figure out a way to make your points hilarious, great.
Yeah, make all the points in the world.
But they gotta be funny.
And when you do Kill a Tony, you have one minute.
You have one minute.
And it sort of establishes an ideal
in these young comics minds that,
hey, it's really just about making these people laugh.
And if I can get good enough where I can make my ideas funny
and I can make these people laugh with ideas.
That's like what you do.
That's like black belt shit.
Well it kills me that.
Because the amount of balls it takes
for the amount of people that go and kill Tony
and it's their first time doing comedy ever,
I'm like, bro that's a hell of a way
to do your first open mic is in front of millions of people.
Yeah, that's a crazy way to do an open mic.
It doesn't make any sense.
But if you can do it, wow, what a feeling that must be.
And we've seen people do it.
We've seen people change their lives.
Yeah, if you nail it.
Bro, William Montgomery is killing it on the road right now.
He's killing it.
He's selling out.
He's doing a whole hour.
We mean, we saw him.
We saw him when Hans is killing it.
We saw William when he had to have notes on stage and we remember we kept telling him
Yeah, you can't have notes on stage. You can't hold your notes and read them and some people were saying no
That's a part of his act. They go done. It's holding him back because on kill Tony
He doesn't have the notes he comes out and stares the audience down and he's dangerous and he's weird
I'm like, that's you when you're at your best
He said I'm worried I'm gonna forget my that's you when you're at your best.
He's like, I'm worried I'm gonna forget my jokes.
You're not gonna forget your jokes.
You do them every night.
You're a professional comedian.
This is part of the thing you have to learn.
Like you can't race in Le Mans with training wheels on.
You can't.
Yeah, he's been on a fucking tear lately.
He's killing it.
Yeah.
You know when the black keys came in town
They're huge William Montgomery fans
And that's what's so crazy. So he got a shout out. He got a shout out of the post fight interview. Yes
Yeah, that's the boy. Yeah, then he yeah, then the black keys are huge William fans
Yeah, they he came he did our show that night specifically because they requested him. Oh
The show is full so I but I was like, yeah, let's go
They need to see this everybody loves that motherfucker. He's awesome. He's awesome. He's so unique. There's only one William Montgomery
That's a unique dude. He's so busy. I never really see you every time he hugs me. I'm worried he's gonna stab
He gives you the weirdest hugs. They're a hug like like he's thinking about stabbing you yeah I think he's like um you know like apes
don't have like medium twitch muscle fibers I think he missing cuz it so they
can't hug they can either they either can do it as gentle as possible or a
crush or force like right he's got like maybe he's primitive yeah maybe he
doesn't have the ability to give you like a nice warm, embracing hug.
It's either smash or gently touch.
He hugs you like he about to suplex you.
Yeah, like we're gonna scuffle.
Yeah.
But he does it to everybody.
Good guy, good for me.
And then some of the other newer,
like I think all the door guys are funny, pretty much.
I haven't seen Miles in a while,
but I keep hearing he's killing.
Yo, Miles, Miles is on a whole other tear, man.
Because he's one of those people that's like,
he's different.
He's real different.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, so is Kacey Rocket.
Well, yep, Kacey's figuring it out, too.
Like, he's got a thing where I was like,
I don't know if he can do that for a long time.
I think he can.
He's figuring that out.
I think he also can do different things
in between doing that.
He can go any way he wants.
Like he's doing this one way now where he's like
hyper energetic, but that doesn't mean
that's how he has to do it.
He's funny.
But he's got so much energy.
Yeah, he's funny.
He can do anything.
He can figure it out as he does it.
But that's the most important part
of this developmental phase that he's in. It's like he's killing, but he's the most important part of this developmental phase that he's in
It's like he's killing but he's like work. I'm so learning how to do it
I have purposely gone out of my way to never write a joke where I needed to do a backflip
And it's like both he's got so he's got so much energy in them in the act
I said this to Shane Gillis last night while you were on stage
I go there's no one in the world who kills more effortlessly than Bryan Simpson. Oh, wow
Because you have a casual killing you're casually killing. Oh, yeah, you don't get hyped up
And when it actually it's interesting in your style because it actually puts more weight on
Any criticism you put on something? Yeah, this is my first 10 years in comedy, I wasn't sleeping.
So you're tired all the time.
So I was just tired all the time and that's just how I've learned to do it.
That's hilarious. That's hilarious.
Yeah, I didn't get good sleep for years. I finally got the CPAP machine
like five years ago and I couldn't believe it. Yeah big difference
Change Joey some people have them and they're like, yeah, but I don't use them. How do you not use it?
I tried it once I didn't like it. But uh, I have a mouthpiece that I sleep with how does that work?
It presses my tongue down. So the mouthpiece is fit to my lower teeth
and is a tongue depressor and it keeps my airway open.
Oh yeah, see I try to get-
Due to have big necks, like football players,
almost all those dudes have sleep apnea.
It's a big neck thing.
And it runs in my family, the big neck.
You have a big neck.
Yeah.
And look at all this tissue.
And if you have a big tongue, I have a pretty fat tongue,
and this neck and the hole is not as big as it
Probably would be if I had a like a skinny neck
You know like your neck is tissue. This is all fucking stuff. I build that up with exercises
Does it work though? Yeah, it keeps my my airway open. I sleep great with it, but if I don't have it man
I snore. It's horrible I'm pretty sure I tried to get one of those
But then they mailed they mailed me a kit that I had to do other stuff
Yeah, you have to form it to your teeth. You lost me. Yeah, step two like I can't do step two
You can go to a dentist though, and they'll do it. Okay. Yeah, I think I'll set you up
I got a dentist that does it for me. I had to do it with my audiologist for my in-ear monitors.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I didn't know that you could do shit like that.
Yeah, the in-ear monitors, where they form it to your ear.
Oh, man, that's one of the best choices I have.
Yeah. I've had it a long time.
Yeah. I have that for the UFC.
So when I'm at the UFC, they made me one.
So when I put it on, it's mine.
It fits right in my ear. Poink. Perfect.
There's nothing better than that.
Nothing goes better than that. Bro, that is the's fits right my ear. Oh, thank you. Perfect. There's nothing better than nothing goes better than that
Bro, that's the worst thing about cauliflower here. Those dudes are fucked
When you get crazy cauliflower here, like I was talking to this one of our guys at the security guys at the club
They're all MMA guys jujitsu guys and one of them has these fucked up ears and I'm like, but you can't hear good, right?
He's like it's not as good.
It's definitely not as good.
That's big.
Can he get them drained?
His are gone.
His are hard.
They become calcified.
So what happens is the blood pools up.
Your ear gets broken, right?
And the tissue separates, and blood fills it.
And that blood, over time, will become calcified.
So it literally becomes rock
It feels like rock I have little bits of it
But when I trained most of the time when I trained I wore
Earguards like wrestling ear guards just because I didn't want to fuck my ears up because
If you just go like this you talk like this normal you hear things
But if you go like this and talk like that you're missing something
You're missing some sound and you don't realize you're missing something. You're missing some sound,
and you don't realize you're missing it until you let your ear go. You're, oh, now I hear it all.
Well, you're giving that, that's you forever. Forever. Now you have rocks on the outside of
your ears. So all this design that God created to let us hear so brilliantly, where it captures
sounds and rolls them
around it goes inside your ear all that's gone so now you get rocks
that's one of those new earphones that goes outside the ear brand new but if
anyone's listening and has this problem this is called a jaw induction headphone
so it creates sound frequencies that bounce off the bones inside your head and so it works even if you have fucked up ears
Yeah, because it's not going through the ear
It's not for any sound or is that for like listening to music and shit
It's good for listening to music, but like technically it will emit sound so like if you're next to this person
You'll be able to hear it, too, but not not perfectly but it's made for the person that's wearing it
You know, it's really incredible. Do you know what game ears are?
You know, you know what like tactical headphones where you can listen to people talk
But it has like as a filter technology in there that stops the sound from being louder than a certain volume, right?
So when someone's shooting a gun, it's never that loud.
You know those?
You can hear so much better with those things on.
Well, because they also, so you create a gate,
a frequency gate where it's like anything below that frequency,
it brings it up, anything above it, it brings it down.
So people put these on when they go hunting,
and they turn them on, and you can hear shit
like multiple times more than you would be
able to hear normally so you could hear footsteps so like if a deer like if
you're in a tree stand and you're sitting up there with your rifle in a
tree stand you're listening around constantly you ever do that you ever
tree stand hunt no it's a mind fuck I was wearing those when I was working
the 50 decibels of hearing enhancement a lot yeah a lot. Yeah, it's a lot.
Yeah, I've used them before.
It's crazy.
I wore those on the rifle ring.
Not the, but they were like over the ears.
The other kind, yeah.
But it was like, you could hear people, you walk away from people and they go, fuck you,
fucking crazy.
You hear all of it.
Well, you have to, I learned that you have to act like you, you have to be very selective
about what you react to because you don't, people don't need to know that you can hear
them.
Right. You know? Right. and if you give it away yeah
that's a problem cats out the back yeah you gotta get it taught me patience
cuz I'm like oh that wasn't for me to hear that was just him getting his
frustration you know yeah I don't need to react cuz he think he thinks I'm 50
feet away right so it's like why I don't need to react yeah fuck him I rather I
rather wait until somebody goes I'm about to shoot this motherfucker.
Right.
Then let him know.
Now you know.
Yeah, and then the secret's out.
If you have those headphones on, man,
it's really bizarre because you can hear things
that you can't normally hear.
It feels like super hearing.
Yeah, but you can also shoot guns
and it doesn't hurt your ears.
It's weird.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Amazing that somebody figured that out. But anyway, man, if you got bad ears, like if your ears. It's weird. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing that somebody figured that out.
But anyway, man, if you got bad ears,
like if your ears get calcified,
you're definitely, it's gonna change what things sound like.
Is the price to pay to be dangerous?
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, you can wear ear guards.
I just didn't understand.
Yeah, they suck.
I hate them.
They cut your chin.
They're fucking, they irritate your head
but To me it was like I had these nice ones that were vinyl and they were just designed for jiu-jitsu
So they they were flat to your head. Okay, and they were really comfortable
Guys like cauliflower here too, it lets people know
You know. Like if I was saying I'd look tougher
if I had cauliflower ears. Yeah but I don't know if that's worth it. It's not worth it.
It wasn't worth it to me. But I'm also not a professional. You know what I'm saying?
Like if you're a professional and your ear gets fucked up, you're back in training the
next day. There's no oh I gotta get this drain and take six months off and let it heal.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up and get back in there, dude.
You're a professional fighter.
I'm just a comedian.
So for me, it's like, I gotta mitigate what gets fucked up.
People love those things though.
It's like a badge of courage.
They walk around with a cauliflower ear
and they're and like everybody knows
So you so then you know what that means it's definitely people
Getting the fake cauliflower. They get an ear injection so they can look well
You all you have to do is damage your ear. You could do it pretty easily
Especially with some people it's it's real different. You know some people don't get cauliflower ear
Especially with some people it's it's real different. You know some people don't get cauliflower ear
They don't even train with ear guards don't mess with me in some people though They'll break their their ears, and they'll fucking they'll do things to their ears on purpose
So they can purposely get it mm-hmm
Yeah, they'll take a jiu-jitsu belt, and they're just fucking smash their ear, and they're trying to give themselves cauliflower ear
People have definitely done that that's crazy. Yeah. I've also met guys who are white belts
who just started who got cauliflower ear and they never
did anything about it. And they got this big lump on their ear.
I know and they're terrible.
And then there's people that it's people that do it for
decades and don't get anything.
Yeah, but it's rare. It's pretty rare. Or you just like really
elite at defense. There's some guys that are so good at defense,
you just never really catch their head. But usually you would think that you would catch their head early on in their career
before they figured out how to be really good defensively and technically. But there's certain
guys like good luck getting a hold of Marcelo Garcia's neck, unless you're a lot bigger
than I'm like Robert Drysdale, someone like that have tapped him. You know, that guy was
a wizard. Like when you're when you're that fast. You ever seen
Marcelo Garcia? Okay I want to show you this one time where I saw him live in Brazil in 2003 where
Eddie was competing for uh it was at the Abu Dhabi World Championships and this is the year that
Marcelo Garcia like burst onto the scene. Like people didn't know who he was. Is this the same
year where Eddie won? Yes he he triangle Hoyler. Yeah, so
Good get Marcelo Garcia versus
What's that you have it okay, no no no, that's just that's just him they're just training
Shaolin Shaolin Hibero Marcelo Garcia Shaolin
so this dude Shaolin who's a Hibero.
R-I-B-E-R-O.
Shaolin is a legendary Jiu Jitsu guy.
Like super high level black belt.
So for him to do this to Shaolin is so insane.
You gotta see this move.
He just spun, took his back and strangled him unconscious.
And this is like instantly in the beginning of the match.
This match happened, it's like 30 seconds, and he puts him to sleep.
Watch that again, because that scramble is so, he does an arm drag.
That was smooth.
Go to the, from the beginning.
You just go from the beginning because it's so quick anyway.
So he does an arm drag.
Marcelo Garcia is in the rash guard
He does an arm drag on his right arm
Look at this watch how he turns turns turns currents keeps going turns keeps rolling keeps rolling gets the back gets the hooks in
Super strong legs now. He's got the hook in and now he's securing the neck and
He's gonna hang on and he's gonna just fucking crush him to sleep and he's asleep right there
Dude that is so insane
Yeah, that is so insane that that is one of the most legendary finishing
Sequences in all of jujitsu history cuz that was like the moment Marcelo Garcia
Who's like one of the greatest of all time burst onto the scene and he just locked in
yeah so that guy even he has cauliflower hair oh as good as he is as good as he is yeah you can't
it seems like unavoidable yeah some guys don't get it it's weird and some guys are just real big guys
some real big guys never get caught you know real strong guys well that's why like every time i
whenever i see somebody with cauliflower is, like I know two things.
I know one, they can probably fight, almost definitely.
And two, they have some kind of old nagging injury
that they hoping I don't discover.
You know what I mean?
Like all the most dangerous dudes are like,
if anyone hits me in my fucking-
Left knee.
Right, yeah. They will foe me the fuck up fuck up so I'm that's why I'm scared that's why I
don't fuck with those people like old dude don't fuck with them because they
gonna fight they gonna give you everything they got so because they
don't want you they don't want the fight to go so long that you find that injury
yeah also like don't just be fucking with people thinking it's a fair fight
people stab people they shoot people just don't do it Just don't do it man
If you want to prove yourself go to a gym right go to a gym learn how to fight and then you will lose all
Of your desire to do that in a bar especially after 30. I don't give a fuck of your 20. Don't do it
Don't fucking do it man. It's how people die
It's how people get locked up in jail for the rest of their lives. 20-somethings, though, they can't,
you can't tell a 20-something.
Yeah, you can. I listened.
Yeah, I listened.
I was terrified of fights when I was in my 20s,
and I knew how to fight.
I didn't want to go anywhere.
Oh, yeah, but you grew up fighting.
Yeah, but, I mean, when I would go out to bars.
Right, right.
Like, if I was out to bars with my friends
and shit would break loose,
I'm like, ah, exit, please.
Yeah, I'm not fighting anybody.
I'm getting the fuck out of here
Yeah, I knew that early early on because I knew guys growing up in Boston going to high school in Newton
It was outside of Boston. I spent most of my time in Boston because that's where I did taekwondo
I met some hard fucking dudes some hard hard men
One of the guys that I met was a fucking hit man
for Whitey Bulger. He was a guy I was training. I was teaching him taekwondo and he was a
hit man. Like well known that he was in the Irish mob, well known, and he was taking taekwondo
classes. I was around people that like, so in my mind, any man that you just have
some confrontation with, even if you beat his ass, that's not the end of it. He's going
to come find you. This idea that you could just do something to someone and there's no
consequences ever. It could be a year from now, two years from now, five years from now.
You're going to be looking over the shoulder for the rest of your life What are you fucking stupid? Just get away don't fight with people don't argue with people. Yes, mom
Don't don't piss people off
We'd all be better off if people didn't have this desire to control themselves
And that's what you get rid of when you go to the gym
When you learn jiu-jitsu when you learn a martial art, and you don't have this desire to test yourself
all the time, because you're constantly being tested.
When you go out, you just want to have fun and chill.
Yeah, most of the fighters I've met,
I've met a lot of fighters since I've been,
since I've lived here now.
Most of them are pretty chill.
Super chill.
Like you said, almost, I think all the security people
at Mother Soup are all Jiu Jitsu guys. And you wouldn't even know, I more think all the security people at mother super all jujitsu guys
Mm-hmm, and they all and you wouldn't even know like I know one of the guys was like some kind of champion
You know and it was like and you would never know it. They're so humble. Yeah and respectful
What's cuz they get challenged all the time? They don't want to do it like in real life
Yeah, the real challenge is challenged against skilled people
When you're doing that all the time,
when you're rolling with black belts,
and you're fighting off triangles,
and triangle turns into an arm bar,
and you're like barely escaping,
and then you get side control,
you're battling all day long.
You're battling in your head after the class.
You're going, oh, how did he catch me?
How did I do that?
Why did I do that?
My left foot, fuck! And you're trying to figure out what you did wrong
and what you did right.
You don't wanna get in a fight in a bar.
You wanna go have fun.
If you would go to a bar with a bunch of jiu-jitsu people,
they're all laughing, they wanna have a good time,
they say thank you, the waitress comes over, they're polite.
They're nice people.
They get it all out, man.
You gotta get it all out.
And if you wanna get it all out at a bar,
man, you're gonna get killed.
There's a confidence that comes from
knowing exactly where you stand.
Where it's like, oh, I know that that dude can beat my ass.
I know for sure.
Cause he's done it every day for the last six,
you know what I mean?
And just knowing where you,
you don't go out with this insecurity about you.
I think, most of them. Most about you. Right. I think.
Most of them.
Most of them, yeah.
I mean, there's wild dudes that get involved in cage fighting, but overall, I feel they
are exceptional human beings.
And I know that sounds crazy for someone who thinks it's barbaric, but you have to understand
that the character development involved in becoming a guy like a Dustin Poirier.
You want to be that good.
The fucking fire you have to go through to be at a world-class level for as long as that
guy's been doing it and be that good right now.
You know what, man?
That's an exceptional human being.
Exceptional.
There's not a lot of those out there.
And when you meet those guys, you're out with those guys, they're the fucking nicest guys. They're cool, they're
calm, they have their shit together. Even Sean Strickland, everybody
thinks he's crazy and he says a bunch of wild shit. Sean is a great guy. He's a
nice guy. He's a real smart dude who had a fucked up childhood and he's an
excellent professional fighter and he's a nice guy. If you're nice up childhood and he's an excellent professional fighter
and he's a nice guy if you're nice to him he's a nice guy he's fun he's fun
but you know in the street if you you find that guy and you talk shit to him
for no reason he's gonna put you in the hospital he's gonna put you in the
hospital and it's not you can't do a goddamn thing about it.
You don't even have a chance. You have nothing.
You have zero chance.
This idea, oh, fucking, these guys can't fight.
I don't know how to fight. Shut your mouth.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Well, you definitely shouldn't be out talking shit to people for no reason.
They always did it. They used to do it to Chuck Liddell.
People would talk shit to him.
Mike Tyson people would talk shit to.
There's certain people that are just crazy
Yeah, well speaking of Mike Tyson
These people that think that he don't stand a chance against Jake Paul
They're like this shouldn't even like he cuz he's too old. I think you're I think you're crazy
Well, they're definitely uninformed
Yeah, because here's the thing. He is 57 years old. He will be 58 when they fight. He has had a long fighting career.
He has been knocked out by massive men like Lennox Lewis and Evander Holyfield.
You know, he's had a lot of blows and, you know, it's long, you know, long past the time where most people ever fight you know the only person ever fought competitively in at after age 50
Bernard Hopkins and Archie Moore Archie Moore did it back in the form was
forty-seven
Foreman was in his fifties I believe in his last fight
was he he won the title he's a little aggressive yeah yeah
Foreman was the want some ice and glasses and shit yeah yeah yeah
I think Foreman captured the heavyweight title at the oldest age which was
46 when he fought Michael Moore
He hit him with his perfect right hand. It was crazy. That's uh, that's okay. That's that bodega cat. That's mark
Norman stuff. We got some good shit though
So how old was he?
48 so his last fight when he fought Shannon Briggs.
Shannon the Cannon. Shout out to Shannon.
Let's go champ.
So he beat Lou Savarese.
He was 48 years old.
Crazy.
Crazy.
And he knocked out Michael Moore. He was 45.
So he was the oldest
man ever to win the heavyweight
title at age 45. And you to realize like that's a real
45 that's not like a 45 today the 45 today is 45 with testosterone
Replacement and human growth hormone and peptides. That's what I'm saying. This Mike Tyson
Yeah, he 57 but he got access to everything every And he's also doing this very unique kind of training with electrical muscular stimulation
that I've talked to some people that do that.
And it has massive benefits of rehabilitating injuries.
And it also, for a lot of people, gives them significant gains when they use it as opposed
to just using weightlifting.
I don't know too much about the science behind it.
When Jamie comes back, we'll have him look it up.
But you slap electrodes onto yourself.
They put these pads on you, and it's hooked up to a machine.
And while the electricity is going into your muscles, you're doing exercises.
So while you're getting jolted, you're doing squats and you're doing like deadlifts. You're doing all this shit while you're connected to this thing that's stimulating
your muscles.
But isn't that, because my main concern would be I guess in my head where it's like, what
if the electricity, the timing's off and it goes to contract your muscle at a time where
you're trying to I think it's constantly contracted
And I think you're you're fighting through that. I don't know. I haven't done it. I'm talking on my ass
What is that thing that Mike Tyson does where he gets connected to?
Like an electrical muscular stimulation machine
I've seen it in training footage and I know from talking to the guy that was telling me about cheers my brother congratulations. I special
So happy to see
Not bad. This is I think this is the Jack Carr stuff
Yeah, that's not bad. No, this is
Balcones
Texas
Pot still bourbon that's legit
mm-hmm yeah this is real legit that's legit
yeah oh that's good stuff George Foreman
Mike Tyson yeah yeah it is so they do
this thing where they slap Chuck Zito
they do this thing where they slap these Zito. They do this thing where they slap these electrodes on them.
Chuck Zito is a giant fight fan.
Shout out to Chuck.
Oh, this is now.
Yeah.
So they put these electrodes on them and they have them perform different exercises.
New Fit.
N-E-U-F-I-T.
And so they have this machine, okay, a breakthrough in neuromuscular electrical stimulation devices
utilizing direct current.
So it's a device that uses an updated form of neuromuscular electrical stimulation to
send electrical impulses through the skin to the nerves, resulting in muscle contractions
and sensory impulses. The NMES technology mitigates the action potentials
of both peripheral and central nervous system,
allowing for communication with virtually all parts of the body.
The impulses stimulate muscles and other tissues,
including contractile and sensory muscle fibers
and sensory and motor neurons.
The stimulation also leads to increased blood flow
in the areas where it's applied.
So I know Tyson was doing that before the Roy Jones fight
when he was training.
I believe he's doing that now, too.
But that's interesting, right?
Because you'd want to do, like, everything you can
with a 57-year-old body to get it ready to do that.
Yeah. I don't think people know, you don't lose that much ability.
You know, you have to understand who you're talking about.
What does change though is your ability to recover.
Yes.
Right, and then the amount of damage you can take.
Yes.
That's what changes, but he can still fucking destroy that guy.
The thing about the amount of damage you can take,
it's also, that's also,
that's all, it's all in comparison
to how much damage you took in your life.
Right, there's certain guys that as they get older,
it's very disturbing, because you see them get touched
with a punch and they just go out.
You'll see that with like, you know,
some older MMA fighters.
I saw that with Chuck Liddell. Yes. Where it was like, nobody could knock him out.
Nobody. And then it was like, anyone could.
In his prime, he was ferocious, dude.
He had an iron chin and ferocious power and just this warrior mentality.
He was just chasing you down. He was hunting you inside that cage. Everybody. But anyone with an iron chin,
eventually they start getting knocked out because the reason
you know they have an iron chin is because you've seen them
take some. There's this dude in boxing. His name was Doug
DeWitt and Doug DeWitt was not the best fighter in the world,
but he had the best chin of all time. Dudes would tee off on
Doug DeWitt and it was like nothing happened.
He was crazy.
He was known for his ability to take a punch.
And then one day it just went away.
One day it went away.
One day he just got dropped and knocked out
and then he just couldn't take shots anymore.
It just gave out.
It just gave out like a bad suspension.
See if you can find Doug DeWitt highlights.
He was born with 50 knockouts in you this dude had
1,000 knockouts in him like you couldn't knock him out. He he was getting hit clean in the face by murderers and
You couldn't you couldn't stop him. It was weird and he was known for that
Like if a guy was gonna fight Doug Dewitt, you know, you knew he was a good fighter
But you knew that the thing about him is he had the craziest chin of all time. He was
known for it. I don't think that's Doug DeWitt. That's Nigel Ben. Is that Doug DeWitt? No,
that's not Doug DeWitt, dude. It's a different guy different guy
Oh, no, no, yeah, because these are all this is uh, nijel ben who was a real destroyer man
He was a fucking murderous murderous puncher
Thomas hern versus doug dewitt. That's kind of the same thing that just happened. I don't let me see
So thomas hern's one of the greatest knockout artists of all time
Yeah, and that's that guy Doug do it. So he's 25. So this is when Doug do it still had an iron chin
Should not be fighting Thomas Hearns like whoever set this up. This is a terrible matchup scooch ahead a little bit
Is this is this one when he finally gets knocked out? I don't know.
But Doug DeWitt was a very solid fighter, but Tommy Hearns is just next level.
Tommy Hearns has the most ridiculous back.
Look at that back.
That's where all that power comes from, dude.
Look how wide he is.
So when Tommy was 147, I think this was a middleweight fight Which was 160 but you got to realize like Tommy when he fought sugar right? He was
147
when he fought like
Papino Cuevas and all those other dudes dude. He was he was very light
He was but he was that tall with that kind of power
So look at the Tommy herns is teeing off on Doug DeWitt. I'm telling you most people who fought Doug DeWitt were stunned by the amount of power that guy could just absorb.
He just was a really good fighter and it wasn't like he was a bad fighter. He just wasn't like world championship caliber.
Where is he now?
Who knows man? It's not good at the end.
No.
It's not good at the end.
I was reading about this boxer from the 80s who was living in LA and you know they would
have to almost like put string on him to make sure he didn't travel too far away from the
house.
Like he would get lost on his block.
He didn't know what was going on.
He just his brain is just
gone. It's just gone. Yeah the price they pay man. It's the craziest price. The chance at
greatness. The craziest price and you never know when you've crossed a line.
You never know when you've crossed the line into your brain's not gonna return.
You know in the beginning you don't even notice a slip. You know you're just like I'm just tired from training. You know you don't even notice. You know, in the beginning, you don't even notice a slip. You know, you're just like, I'm just tired from training, you know, you don't even notice, you know, and
other people start noticing it. Maybe you have a drink in you, you can't really form
sentences that well. You know, like one drink, and all of a sudden, you're slurring your
words. And everybody's like, what's going on with Mike? Hi, just had a couple. I had
one fucking drink, like he's slurring his words like something's going on
That's like one of the first things you see and then it keeps going the damage doesn't get better over time
It gets worse
They say that a lot of the brain damage doesn't even like show itself to like years after the actual impact of whatever the fuck happened
Mmm. Yeah, dude start doing wild shit. They start gambling. Start doing coke. Start going crazy.
But then some people are just fine, right?
Some people are fine. Yeah.
Yeah, it's weird. It's weird.
Some people retire and they have long careers.
And they can talk fine and they're great.
You know? Look at Andre Ward.
I know. That's why you can see
like whatever brain cells Floyd Mayweather's father had left
he was like, I'm gonna make sure
this don't happen to my son.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like, of course he had.
I think Floyd saw it too.
Of course he had the most defensive fighter of all time.
It's like, your son, this is what happens when you get hit.
Yeah.
Well, also just like, seeing it,
seeing it from his uncle, Uncle Roger.
Oh, that's who I meant, yeah, his uncle, yeah.
He sounds drunk all the time. Well, he, his uncle. Yeah. He sounds drunk all the time.
Well, he's dead now.
Yeah.
He died, unfortunately.
Roger Mayweather was awesome in his prime man.
Black Mamba, he was another dude.
He was different than Floyd.
He was a crazy knockout artist.
You ever see Roger fight?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's a great trainer, too.
Yeah, he's a very good trainer.
Very, very, very good trainer.
And he's got that famous quote, most people
don't know shit about boxing. It's true.
Yeah, he's right.
He's 100% right.
I don't.
I know like...
I barely do.
The sign, but I know that, I do know,
I know enough about boxing where I feel like
when I'm watching a good boxing match,
what I'm enjoying is not with the average person.
Most people just wanna see two big dudes
in the middle of the ring just throw punches. You punches. They don't care about the strategy of it. But I like to watch the
breakdowns and the footwork and why his feet are right there.
This one dude made a really good breakdown of how Anthony Joshua caught Francis Ngono.
It's really good. It's really good because he talks about how Joshua was
setting up these reactions by jabbing to the body and how he's jabbing to the body and
how Francis would dip his left arm and like throw a hook. And then he was like trying
to block the shot to the body and dip his arm throw hook. So he timed it right where
he fainted the jab to the body Francis reacted and he hit him with a perfect right hand.
And you see in the breakdown how he set it up and like that is boxing.
That's real boxing.
That's not just a big guy who can punch, but that's like super sophisticated chess playing
in the middle of this high consequence scenario with a giant knockout striker.
And people are, and some people are like levels above that. Mm-hmm.
You know?
Well, that's Usyk.
Usyk is level above Anthony Joshua because he boxed the shit out of Joshua two fights
in a row and had him in trouble.
Like, in the first fight in particular, had him in trouble, man.
He had Joshua reeling and he was all over him.
I mean, Usyk is really a cruiserweight.
He's not even that big.
He's small for a heavyweight.
You know, Usyk was
fighting I think at 197 and then he went up to fight heavyweights. So like when he stands
next to these guys, he's so much smaller than that.
That's why, part of me deep down, I wish boxing had like a UFC type.
Right.
Like I wish someone could make the top guys fight each other.
Well they can't even do that in MMA. You know, look, Francis is now at the PFL,
and you've got other people over at Bellator.
And I guess Bellator and the PFL are one thing now.
Yeah, but you have to be huge to not do it in the UFC.
It's real tough to be famous.
The problem is, if you're outside of the the UFC you could be not famous and make more money
That is true. Like this is a factor. You have to think about guys that you know kind of
Didn't do as well as the top guys in the UFC, but they're still elite MMA fighters
Think over the PFL and win that tournament and make a million dollars. Yeah
Think over the PFL and win that tournament make a million dollars
You know
The Middle East man they throw in money at all manner entertainers and shit over here
Yeah, um that one dude from Montreal Olivier all ball Mercier. He I think he won it twice. I
Think he won the PFL tournament twice. He would definitely won it once So he made a million dollars this tournament is that why I just saw a mighty mouse and like a no way
No, that's no mighty mouse in a no weight was just a jiu-jitsu match. That was just jiu-jitsu mighty mouse is wild
He just enters jiu-jitsu opens as a hundred fifty five pound man fought a 250 pound dude and strangled him
Incredible that size difference.
It's incredible.
But he competes for one, and one championship is this giant organization in Asia.
And they have not just MMA fights, but they have kickboxing fights and grappling fights.
Like Gary Tonan has competed over there in grappling, the Rutolo brothers are the champions over there Mikey Musa Meche
He competes over there and grappling. They have a great app too, by the way. Yeah, so there's that so there's there's places
You can go but to be famous in America
Is the UFC everything else is just
Unfortunately, it pales in comparison. The UFC is like Q-tips, the NFL, you know, NBA
is where you go to see professional basketball. If someone else wants to start a new basketball
league, good fucking luck. Good luck.
UFC is, it's singular.
It's singular. It's just the most prominent business that's run the best. It's it's a it's just the most prominent business. It's run the best. It's got the best machine behind it
It's got the most history behind it
They literally invented the sport in 1993 in America not invent the sport because but they did put it in a cage and put rules
To it actually I think they had cages in Brazil back then already
But I'm not sure if they might have had cages in Brazil by them
But a lot of the fights in Brazil in the early days They'd actually fight in a ring with a net but what they did was they made what they did was they made it
They packaged it in a way that made it a major sport
Yes
100% instead of just like a blood sport where people like something that was done in back alleys 100% right they made it
So like you could put it on TV, and that was that was the most brilliant move
I mean they had to bring in the regulators and shit to kind of make that happen but that's what made it
what it is well they also had a spin a fuckload of money
oh fuck yeah I heard Dana Santa they did like they didn't make any money like you
did the first ones for free yeah I did the first 12 12 or 13 shows I did for
free well Dana became my friend and I knew they were hemorrhaging money.
And I said, I don't need any money.
I go, just fly us out here.
Fly us out here and get my friend's tickets.
So it was like me and Eddie Bravo would just fly out
to the fight, because we were flying out to the fights
before I worked there.
He reached out to me because he knew I used to work
for the UFC back in the day,
because I started working for the UFC in 97 and I was the post fight commentators before Zufa before Zufa
So it was Zufa, but it was no wasn't Zufa. It was SCG. I'm sorry. It's still Zufa even though Zufa sold to WM
So we were in these like small little places in the middle of nowhere and I did in the early days
I saw Vitor's debut. I saw Randy Couture's debut Dan Henderson's debut. I mean I was there for like Chuck Liddell's debut
I was there for all these early early fights. I thought Carlos Newton fight
I saw all these like Lee Allen JoBan, I mean of course Allen JoBan
He was actually at Eddie's gym, but I saw all these like great fighters fight that he wasn't Alan was late later I was thinking of um
fuck who was I thinking of Alan Góez that's right Alan Góez was a jujitsu
wizard who I got to see fight in the early days of the UFC most people don't
even remember these guys like top level guys back in the day and to me it was
like I was a kid in a candy store, but I was losing money doing it.
You know, like I could be at a comedy club on the road
and I was still on news radio.
I was busy, you know, and I did it for a while,
but it was like, it was too much.
It was costing me money.
And it was, it was the experience I had.
I was like, this is fun,
but they were doing one in Japan.
And when they went to do the one in Japan,
I'm like, I'm out.
I'm not going to Japan for like a thousand dollars or whatever. I got paid like I'm not going to Japan
So I quit and I stay a fan and then Dana contacts me in like 2001 and
Says hey, we're gonna have the UFC in Vegas
We got tickets for if you want to come like holy shit. Yeah, I'm gonna go
So Ian Eddie we flew out to Vegas to watch the UFC.
And so I did that for like the first one or two,
and then they had one on Fox,
and he said, would you do me a favor?
And I said, what?
He said, will you do commentary for the one on Fox?
Because it was on Fox Sports Net.
It was like the best damn sports show period.
Do you remember that show?
They had like a UFC event, so I did that.
It was UFC 37 and a half
37 and a half yeah, that's what it was called UFC 37 and a half so I did that and that was
The beginning and he goes dude, please keep doing that and I was like okay. What's that?
This is that the good stuff. No no no you want some that's those run white scars. It's a little baby cigar
hang up sir
But so that was you know
That was 2002 or something. So when did you hit the point where where where he was like?
I want you to do it permanently. Yeah, I had a sign of contract. I was like
How many UFC's were
you in before you were like I think I'm gonna just do this well I mean it was
like I said it was like 13 in and I never asked for any money and I was like
it's all right man I'm having a good time I'm happy that you guys like what I
do I'm excited and I'm happy to be able to promote the sport. That's it. June 22nd, 2002. Whoever that is beside you, that dude looks out of his depth. You know what I mean?
So that dude, that's Jeff Osborne. He was awesome. He also did Hook and Shoot,
who's one of the earlier MMA promotions that like Eve Edwards came out of there,
Josh Neer came out of there. Some real killers came out of those promotions.
Like a Midwest fight. There was a bunch of those like early on
Promotions these like small level promotions that a lot of guys came up in but I can't imagine being like
even in like the Chuck Liddell era like before that of
Widow like before the UFC what were fighters making nothing?
Well Chuck Liddell when he had his first fights, he was fighting bare-knuckle in Brazil. He fought Pele.
Pele is this legendary member of Shoot the Box. You know, I know I've talked to you about Shoot the Box before. That's Anderson Silva. That's where
Shogun came out of. I mean, that's a Rafael Cordero, the guy who holds myths for Mike Tyson.
He's from Shoot the Box and now he runs Kings MMA.
Darrow the guy who holds myths for Mike Tyson. He's from shoot the box and now he runs Kings MMA
But this is this is you know, we're like, this is probably like what year is this? This has to be like 95
98 okay, so this is probably either right before Chuck Liddell fought in the UFC
Somewhere around that range, but he's fighting in Brazil bare-knuckle
Against a dude who's like a legend in Brazil like Pele was like look Pele took Chuck Liddell down how about that this is how dangerous his fucking dude is
Chuck Liddell never gets taken down here he is mounted bare-knuckle and this is a
crazy ass fight man and Chuck eventually gets all the way look how they have this
setup where the ring at the bottom of it has a net in it
Bro, Pele's all over him
But now Chuck sleeps sneaks out the back door and Chuck was like a really good wrestler
But he used his wrestling to stand up
He just wanted to blast people because he had also had a karate background now in these fights
You're allowed to headbutt you're allowed to stomp. you're allowed to do everything. You got bare knuckles. You can even grab dicks. A lot of these dudes grabbed each other in the
dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary Goodrich did it to the Pedro. My signature move. Bro, he reached
into his shorts and grabbed his cock. Just crushed his balls. Like, it was crazy
what people were doing. Damn, you allowed to squeeze balls? Well, they were in that
promotion. It was like, you could to squeeze balls? Well they were in that promotion it was like you could do anything which is kind of crazy that
nobody just eye poked the shit out of each other. I think you weren't allowed to
bite. You just start with the ball squeeze. Look he just got thrown out of the
fucking ring onto the ground. That's why the net is there to try to trap them
while they're beating the shit out of each other. Are there rounds in this? I don't know, man. Some of them just were to the finish.
It's not known on the bottom of the cage yet.
The early UFCs were all to the finish.
It's a 33-minute video.
Yeah.
I think a lot of these fights were just battles of attrition,
and they went on as long as they went on.
Brazil, when they were doing Vali Tuto,
it was the purest form of MMA.
It wasn't the same level that MMA is today, but it was the purest form. Because these guys were bare knuckle,
they would just wear like little fucking Speedos,
and they would do everything.
You could kick, you could punch, you could stomp.
To the finish.
You could elbow the back of the head.
You get someone's back,
you don't even have to sink in a choke.
If you get someone's back with the hooks in,
Hensel Gracie did that in one of his fights.
He just got this dude's back,
and just
Blasted him with elbows in the head
Your back your head is so vulnerable and you have see you're literally not even allowed to hit the back of the head
So why is one area where you're not allowed to strike?
That's how dangerous it is and in the old days they got your back and they go right for that spot
And in the old days, they got your mat, and they go right for that spot.
Boom, boom, boom.
Yeah, that's gonna put you out.
Oh, you're getting fucked up.
So it was like a pure version of what actually works
and what doesn't work.
Because if you have no gloves on,
punching changes, everything changes.
Your ability to block punches changes,
so if you go from like boxing gloves to MMA gloves,
there's a giant difference.
But even if you go from MMA gloves to no gloves,
there's a difference. Because it feels different on your face
it fucking hurts more it hurts your hands more it cuts you up everybody gets
cut open it's a much more realistic version of fighting and that's what they
were doing in Brazil it didn't get like when they brought it to America when
Horry and Gracie created the UFC and brought it to America in 93 when they had their very first event
They had to kind of do some rules. So they had a cage, you know, they had like, you know, but it was all
No time limit. Every fight was to the fight was over
See, that's what's crazy to me every fight in the UFC. Those fights were hoist Gracie was arm bar and everybody and it was no
Wait, there was no rounds. There was no rounds. There was no weights.
There was just hoist weighed 176 pounds.
That was his second pro fight.
He had already fought once in the UFC by then.
Oh, wow.
So UFC 17 in Mobile, Alabama, with a decision over Noe Hernandez.
I was there for that.
So the next fight, he did that bare knuckle.
Wow.
Yeah, something I just found. So it was a 30 minute, no rounds, no breaks,
no gloves, very few rules.
Wow. Headbutts, groin strikes, kicking of the knees,
the back of the downed opponent strikes to the back of the head are all allowed.
1998 he was 28 years old and he weighed 198 pounds.
Wow. That's crazy.
Yeah. And they, and that was back when it was no glory There's no very little fanfare very little fanfare the UFC's weight limit was 200 back then there was a 200 pound weight class
Like right around then they started putting in a weight class
So like when Tito Ortiz was a champ it was like I believe it was 200 and then they moved it up to 205 later
They changed it. I think like when Frank Shamrock was a champ. I believe the weight it was 200, and then they moved it up to 205 later. They changed it. But I think when Frank Shamrock was a champ,
I believe the weight class was 200.
And you couldn't be over that?
Yeah, I think there was a couple of weight classes.
I think they started instituting weight classes,
and they had a 55, and then they had a 70,
and then they started sticking them all in there.
And then it became what it is today, which I still
think is underweight classed.
I think they should have several more.
I think they should have one.
Higher.
No, all throughout the range.
I feel like this should be one every 10 pounds.
And right now we have these giant gaps
that don't necessarily make sense.
Like we have a huge gap from 155 to 170.
That's 15 pounds.
That's a big difference in a human being.
Like how much bigger and stronger a person is
and how they can cut down to 170
versus a guy who really weighs like 175
and he cuts to 170.
It's like a giant difference between those 205 pound guys
that can make that weight cut.
I feel like if we add a 75, 85,
so 55, 65, 75, 85, 95, 205, 225 heavyweight.
That makes sense to me.
You're saying above 225.
Above 225 should be whatever the fuck you weigh, because right now it's not.
Right now the heavyweight limit, as ridiculous as it is, is 265 pounds.
You can't weigh more than 265 pounds
in a championship heavyweight fight.
So wait a minute, so the heavyweight division
goes from 205 to 265?
Exactly.
That, now that seems...
Crazy.
Nuts. That's crazy.
That's crazy.
When you got guys like Francis, it becomes crazy.
Right, because of the... Touch of death,
six foot five, 265 natural. Like Francis gets above 265 when he's not training but he's not
allowed to be when he fights when he fights he has to lean out so we so we
saying ten pounds makes a difference in every other division except the biggest
one well in the biggest one they just say hey decide what you are but you a
light heavyweight or you a heavyweight isn't there isn't their problem though that?
There's not enough Francis size motherfuckers running around right and they if they are they own they're going to football
Right yeah, if you want to get like an elite American
Athlete that thinks he's gonna have a future making millions of dollars, and you're a six foot five kid and you're huge
You don't get into MMA.
And a lot of those guys, they would have a hard time
making 265, how about that?
Yeah, I'm borrowing it.
What would Francis Angano even be in another sport?
There's this kid that went viral.
Probably whatever the fuck he wants.
Playing basketball right now for NC State.
Is he Cameroonian?
No, he's just really good basketball player.
He's 6'9", 275 and they're already like NFL scouts
are trying to get him to play football instead of basketball. Yeah,'re a damn fool you bet not. Yeah basketball you don't get
brain damage. You don't get brain damage and the contracts are fully guaranteed so all your money
is guaranteed if you get hurt all that. Oh that's better. The NFL will never do that. Yeah, they can't know if you
Crazy yeah, if it's my kid and he and he gets to choose between the NFL and any other major sports I'm taking the other 100% all day for sure. Yeah all day those those knocks and the baseball players
They're making tons of money. Yeah all guaranteed. Yeah. Yeah, so you if you hear a football player got a 50 million dollar contract
It's not 50 million dollars. It's you know, it's 10 million guaranteed with bonuses of this and mm-hmm
You know shit like that
But if you hear that a baseball player got a like that that Japanese dude, did he just get a half a billion dollars?
He's getting all that money every single penny deferred it just like Bobby but Nia did which is a pretty fun story
So the Japanese to is that the dude who has the gambling problem?
Maybe.
Is that a?
No, you think it's somebody else.
Is that that guy?
Yeah, Shoei Otani.
Yeah, Shoei Otani.
So that dude gambles.
Yeah, we're his.
That's what they say.
What's the story?
They said his interpreter took a bunch, or he says his interpreter gambled, took a bunch
of money from him.
Okay, let me ask you this do you think that the situation with someone like that?
Who comes from another country?
Do you think that maybe organized crime comes with him a little bit? I've heard that but also there's a lot of a little bit
Little bit like Yakuza action. I mean that that's definitely taste. That's definitely feasible
But just because his his family's back there. Yeah, so it's like if I want to exploit you somehow
Also, he might have a you know meaningful relationship those people but also though a half a billion dollars is enough to when you
Unbossed at that point you just have somebody wiped out you can flip it on them
You know, I don't know. I don't know if I'm if I'm worth half a billion dollars
Ain't nobody telling me what the fucking do right?
No way because you can get to,
because you at that point now where you have power,
like that's kind of money that nobody's,
no mafia boss is exploiting you when you're a billionaire.
We just don't have it yet, technically.
Yeah, but that don't matter, because because-
Yeah, but he might have a relationship with them,
you know what I'm saying?
I mean, I'm not saying he does,
but I'm saying that in certain situations, like if you get in bed with organized crime
And they help you in your career like there was always insinuations that Frank Sinatra was involved in the mob for instance
Oh, right, right. Yeah, you know and you would imagine that like Frank Sinatra would probably be a terrible guy to piss off
Because he probably can
Contact some people and you probably can disappear.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. 100 percent, right? So a guy like that, if he wants to
leave the connection with the mob, I bet that's pretty dicey. Yeah. I bet that's real dicey.
So you just stay with them. But what would the mob do for a baseball player? I don't
know. I don't know. But I would imagine, I mean, what are we talking about the Yakuza that I think most really?
sophisticated organized crime
Come be companies you call them a company
I think they probably have strategies to maximize their income in all sorts of ways
Yeah, and they probably offer protection so that you know
You don't have to worry about people fuck with you and in return you give them a certain amount of money per month.
That doesn't mean old Johnny's not a smart guy. Does it or does it mean that that's the
cost of doing business where he lived? I'm like oh no I'm leaving now. It's like how
the Japanese mob gonna protect you in America? You don't think they can do
things over here? I mean they probably could do a couple things but they don't
have like a... If you're gonna have someone whacked that would be the coolest guy to have someone Japanese assassin
Oh, but to be like I'm gonna come to full time all over America. I don't know that's possible. Yeah, I don't know
But half a billion dollars for playing a game so what was the problem they they said that he was gambling on something
He should have gambled on is that what it is
Well, it's a multi-layered problem because first of all he'd done like he has an interpreter with him like at all times I think
So
how much
Into his financial life, you know, does that guy have ability to get into do with things and what was the accusation?
I'm trying to find out the extra like. I know
that I only know about it because Andrew Schultz had a joke where he was talking about him gambling.
I don't understand why he's not allowed to gamble as long as he betting on himself to win.
That's a hard rule no. Right. Why you can't get bet on yourself most sports actually
That's a new rule the UFC what you can't gamble no one from the organization can gamble on the fights
Well, but what I'm saying is and that makes perfect sense
Yeah, but I'm saying the fighters should be able to gamble so long as they betting on themselves to win
Right, I think so, you know, yeah as long as they're betting on themselves to win a football. I think so. You know, yeah. As long as they bet on themselves to win. A football player got in trouble for that recently. He was actually
get he gambled on his team to win in a game that he wasn't playing in because he was hurt.
And he got in trouble. I thought it was more than four and a half million. I didn't want
to state it without it. His claim was his interpreter took four and a half million dollars to pay
off gambling debts from an illegal bookie. Oh that's under federal investigation. So
they were saying that it was his money and he was saying no my former
interpreter he stole that money and he paid off his gambling debts. Right. That
might be true. Some people don't believe the story they think that he was just
gambling and blaming it on this guy. It says Ohtani said he was unaware of the payments and never bet on sports with the
bookie.
Yeah, but even if that's true, it's like, okay, well, you're the fall guy.
That was your job from the beginning, is to go gamble for me so that it didn't get connected
to me.
Yeah, it's a little fishy.
It does sound a little convenient.
A little convenient.
You didn't notice four and a half million missing.
Right.
Until he got caught.
So you fired him and didn't, but didn't, you fired him but didn't say nothing about
him gambling then until he got caught.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, but it's like, that's your job.
Take that, take that fall.
You know he didn't do anything because they didn't, you know, they didn't take any of
his money or penalize him in any way
Did they well if they can't definitively tie him?
To that I don't know what they can do
I don't know how that works if the guy they actually get the guy and they could get the guy to admit that he
Used the money and he embezzled the money. I don't know what the story is
It's sorry could it sounds like oh, I don't believe but it could be true
Like we're just talking shit, but who how was baseball have that much money people love it
I don't know anyone that watches baseball not not as their number one sport some people love it. They love it
They love baseball. They live for it. They live for God already loves it. He loves going to the games
Loves it
He loves going to the games. Loves it.
Yeah, $10 billion in revenue in 2022.
Jesus.
$10 billion?
Yeah.
They have huge TV deal contracts, because it's on all summer when there's no other sports
on.
And there's 32 teams, and games last three hours, you know?
It's also casual sport watching.
Sports betting.
So you watch baseball while you're hanging out with your buddies.
Yeah, you don't have to pay attention.
And you can talk about all
kinds of other shit you can bullshit while the game's going on you're not
locked until the guys throw in the pitch there's a lot of downtime you're talking
shit you know what Debbie told me tell me if this is ridiculous and you start
talking and you're drinking you want another hot dog fuck yeah if you're
watching Anderson Silva fight Vitor Balfour you're fucking glued you. You're like, shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!
Like, you don't want anybody talking to you about bills.
Mwah mwah mwah mwah.
You wanna watch- what is happening? What is happening? This is so crazy.
That's what people- people- I get a lot of shit from our friend group.
You see everybody gives me shit all the time.
Cause I'm a- you know, I have very peculiar ways of doing some things.
And one of those things is I prefer
to watch sports and stuff alone.
I'm not trying to have a Super Bowl get together,
because I'd rather buy the food I want to eat
and only have the sounds I want to hear around people.
There's very few people that I would rather watch it
with them than by myself.
Yeah.
Nah, I like to go to the movies alone.
Anything where I gotta pay attention to something, I like to do by myself.
Yeah, I've been watching Shogun alone.
I watch it with my dog, but I've been watching Shogun alone.
The only series I've watched alone in a long time.
It's awesome.
We don't have to talk.
It's the only way to go dude. It's going to see a fight live is
The best way to see it for sure, but watching a fight alone at home
Like when I can watch the fights alone like it's fights in Europe or somewhere
I'm not there. It's just me alone at home just sitting in the theater like staring at the screen watching the fight
I am so locked in man. That's the best.
I love it.
I find myself talking.
There's no variables.
Right.
Yeah.
It's fun.
It's a, that is a fucking experience, man.
Whew.
I can pause it when I want.
I can walk away from it.
I can stop.
I can call somebody.
Yeah.
Take a shit.
Yeah, it's the best.
Check your text messages. get right back to it.
Because you know what it is,
I don't like having people there
that aren't trying to watch.
Right.
Like the thing about Super Bowl parties
is there's people there that's not in the football
and they're not interested in the,
they're interested in the event that is the party,
not the game.
Right, right, right.
So it's like, I just wanna watch football.
I'm not here for the hors d'oeuvres and cute outfits.
I feel ya.
Yeah, halftime show.
Nah, I could miss every single one.
Yeah, I'm so glad they don't do fights.
Halftime show?
I'm fighting halftime show.
No, you know the interesting-
Have a rapper come out or something,
have some band, kid rock plays.
Just came out from this, during this last Super Bowl,
that the Waynes brothers are the reason
that there's a halftime show at the Super Bowl.
I watched that.
I watched that live as a halftime show at a pool hall.
It was the first time I ever saw in living color
Yeah, me too. Well, it was my first time seeing a little color, but everyone watched it
You know and it was like and yeah, the NFL was like, oh no, we're not giving up these ratings
Yeah, they because everybody knew for a half hours just nonsense and chitter-chatter right before that before before Michael Jack
Cuz Michael Jackson's the first one you remember that everyone remembers the first halftime show when people say halftime show
That's what they're talking about
Because before that it was just whatever we have every other football game
It was like this marching bands and like regular shit Wow Michael jet and then NFL was like, oh we and we gonna drop a nuke
With our answer next year is Michael Jackson
You know
Everyone changing the channel with all that revenue they were losing. Right. Exactly.
And then with Michael Jackson, you're going to get people that will watch the Super Bowl now
that wouldn't have watched the Super Bowl because they're going to get
to see Michael Jackson perform.
Yep.
I don't think people understand how big Michael Jackson was.
I don't think they understand it because they weren't alive when it was happening.
Yeah. It's hard to convince.
When you talk to young people now, you're like like there'll never be anyone that big and they're
like yeah but Taylor Swift but Beyonce. No they're all huge they're huge but
they're huge today. They're huge today in the era of social media and the
era of you know there's just a different world of sharing from streaming
platforms. Someone huge today you can't take away from Taylor Swift being huge, but there's a lot of people
that are huge today. It's not like then. Then there was one guy that was the guy.
And he wasn't just, he was huge from the time he was like five years old until
the day he died. He could literally have people passing out in Japan. Falling, they couldn't stand being near him.
They'd freak out.
Yeah, that's why, yeah.
That's why it's like,
the world is just set up differently
where there could not be another Michael Jackson.
No, it's not, it's a different world,
but there's a few guys that broke through,
and it's just like they ran to the top of Everest
with no oxygen, and there was just no support system
for them.
Yeah.
Nobody had ever been there before.
So nobody even knew like this could be a thing.
You had Elvis who got there and he died
and then you have Michael Jackson, right?
And nobody else has ever really gotten that big.
Oh, the Beatles?
The Beatles, yeah, I guess the Beatles did.
But Michael Jackson was an individual.
Yeah.
It was a, when he would would when you see the silhouette of him with the top hat
And when the lights would go on bro people would go
insane
And he was dancing and moving when you see that show me show me that that thing when you see him when he comes out
I was David you forget that at that Super Bowl that one where he just stood there for the first
like two minutes.
Yeah dude, dude he was something really unusual.
They didn't do the silhouette here.
Oh they didn't do it there but when he gets out there bro, when they see him.
Gotta be careful. Yeah we probably already got I mean we're just watching I just want to make sure what
the fuck though dude.
How about these other dudes that are working with them going when do I get my shine?
You know if you're if you're in the Michael Jackson band and you're standing right next to him and you know
You're invisible you're in front of millions of people, but you're invisible because that guy shines so bright
That guy shines so bright that no one sees anybody else there the guy next to him. He's like doing his best man
Look at him. He's saying he's doing his best. Nobody gives a shit that guy could just stop I
Bet you he's not even saying anything.
Yeah, it's probably lip synced.
Did they used to do that back then?
Yeah.
I don't think Michael Jackson did that.
Way harder to do it back then.
Bro, the nuttiest one was that one on Saturday Night Live,
where that girl, she was trying to lip sync on Saturday Night Live,
and the thing like fucked up.
Oh, was that um... Ashley Simpson. Oh yeah.
Well the thing is I think people just have forgotten that that's how people do
she didn't do anything. No. That nobody else does. It's not like she didn't really sing
that song she just wasn't performing it live and what people want is you to walk
the tightrope. Yeah but what happens is what people all, what everyone does is they have their backing vocals live.
Like all the harmonizing vocals and stuff.
And like almost no one does,
almost no one sings every part of the song live.
You know, they, or they might hire backup singers
to do like the harmonizing part.
But some people, but like Michael Johnson couldn't do that.
Like if you ever watch one of his little engineering sessions, it's like 19
different voice tracks, every little ooh and ah and all that is all separate tracks. So
like all that has to be played through the speakers.
Oh wow.
You know? But people full on lip syncing where it's the whole track playing for them, I think.
You also have to think that a lot of the recorded stuff has been manipulated, right?
Right like we're doing crazy voice stuff and then on top of that he's dancing
So how much cardio is that dude burning off?
Yeah, like that guy I mean you have to be in shape to do a Michael Jackson show
He's fucking dancing and moving and moving walking and you're gonna get out of breath
So you have to sing while you're doing that in perfect pitch
So this is Michael Jackson doing his vocals for Thriller
But each of these layers you see is the like a different tone
So it'd be like him doing his own work choir
Oh, he's got like the bass and then the falsetto and it does each little shows you what he's doing
You start to free
You start to freeze You start to freeze You start to freeze You start to freeze
As forward looks you right between the lines
Wow!
Right?
Wow! That's done now with a bunch of tricks but like back then you either could kind of do Asshole that looks too right to realize This is the truth This is the truth You understand it. This, there's a whole, this is a thing. I was actually going to bring up another point, but I'm not going to get into that right now.
Someone else that's going viral on TikTok and their use of this, these tricks.
What do you mean?
In TikTok for singing?
I saw someone getting called out.
Yeah.
So for, I'll just say.
Called out?
Some of Jennifer Lopez's songs have been called out recently.
For what?
Like, there's this, it's how that they produce the songs.
The big one I saw today was a backup singer her names
I think Natasha Ramos
She's claiming which I think was true
She was paid to like sing the song as a demo and then J Lo's comes in and re-sings it sort of
But then in the engineering it sounds like the song that was released was more of her vocals than J Lo's
According to her and this is one song
And then there's multiple songs people are sort of digging up that like what about this song? What about this song?
How many songs did she actually sing and?
Huh, yeah, there's been more and more clean. That's like
Came up today. It was a this girl was responding to someone else another backup singer making some claims about a few songs that she worked
on but I don't even know a Jennifer Lopez song.
I couldn't... Jenny on the Block.
That's the one that she's talking about.
She's like, that's me actually saying, like,
from the Bronx and this and that.
J.Lo's voice is on there somewhere in the mix.
Damn. I'll say they mixed her with this other girl's voice.
Yeah, but I'm just like, did you get paid for that?
I would assume so.
That's the thing is, yeah, you should.
Because I'm not about the people that are like,
you signed up for a shitty deal so you could get ahead.
Is that technically background singing,
if she's singing over it?
How would that even work?
What would you call that?
If she's singing over it, that's not really background singing right? That's why I tried it like it's a demo
No, it's like tracing the line. I mean right right right the whole business is set up to
Everyone's getting fucked the shit rolls downhill. That's how the whole business is set up. Well the wildest one was Milly Vanille
Right I guess like that's the wildest that's when everyone knew well
That's what why where it all fell apart right? That's where it all fell apart. Right. That's where it all fell apart.
Where people are like, oh my god, these fucking record companies have produced humans
that we feel are like perfectly desirable physically but they can't sing
the way we want them to do so we get other people to sing it.
Oh yeah, well apparently the dude behind Millie Vanilli he was behind a
ton of other people. Yeah. Like because so over there where they were where they're from I don't
know if it was Italy or France or whatever but it was like a thing back then at the time. It was
nothing for a brilliant artist to like basically foster a pop star you know. It was it wasn't a big deal over there where they're from.
It was like something everyone did that was talented.
Really?
Yes.
So it, and they got away for a long time over here,
but Americans weren't aware of that.
So foster a pop star is an interesting way of putting it,
but there's a difference between that and like creating a fake star
with someone else's singing.
Like you got some homely looking person who's singing and then you got Millie Vanilla who's
out there dancing it.
That was the problem.
No, but that's what I'm saying.
They all did it.
They all would go get models to perform their songs.
But what I'm saying is where they were from, it was known and it wasn't looked down upon.
Bro, they would do that in comedy if they could do it.
If they could pull it off.
Oh, they do do that in comedy.
Well, that's what managers of thieves are doing.
Oh, you're saying like, oh, they could create like a comedy style?
Like hire a bunch of comics to be writers?
Yeah, find some cute guy who's like really good at telling jokes and just hire a team
of people to write for him
Just like the record companies do that might be a bit
That might be a better deal than be like to be the man behind the man
If you made a substantial enough amount, I think that was that's probably better than being famous
Well, some people like to work with comics and some comics and pull writers
So they employ writers that come with them and then they'll workshop ideas and maybe the writers are comfortable premises I got
some of my friends right here for comics they're right for people I like that
yeah they'll sell them bits you know and it's or they'll sell them premises or
setups or you know things like that because they some guys are just spitting
out ideas all the time like Kurt Metzger does a lot of that. Yeah, they just gotta computer. Just gotta write it down.
All that's, you know, I have zero problem with that.
But I think there's a thing that people wanna see
with comedy, like, I wanna know what Brian Simpson thinks.
I don't wanna know what a committee
that consults with Brian Simpson,
then Brian Simpson presents his argument.
I wanna know what you really think. And I think that's one of the really rare, unique Brian Simpson presents his argument. I want to know what you really think.
I think that's one of the really rare, unique things about stand-up.
Bill Burr is the best at that.
Bill Burr is the best at getting his perspectives out in a hilarious way.
You know that he's not consulting with anybody when he's formulating these bits.
This is Bill Burr going, hey, what the fuck is this?
And bam, and then it becomes this hilarious bit.
You know, but it's...
I think I would hire writers if they were like,
quick, you hosting the Grammys tomorrow.
You know, I think you would need writers.
A hundred percent.
That's a different animal.
That's a different animal.
Then you really don't wanna, you know, choke away at it.
You wanna bring in some experts.
Well, that's one of the lessons to learn.
It's like anybody asking you to do something
in the last minute, they did not want you in the first place.
Yeah.
Also, they can't get anybody else to do it
because it's a sucky gig.
Right.
It's like, Joe Coy's got his material that he works out,
that he's got down solid.
He's got giant fan base.
You're asking him to like step into a totally different
genre, write jokes about things he might not even
be interested in and do it all in 10 days.
And I'm glad, and I bet you he didn't get to hire
any of the writers.
I don't know man.
I don't know what happened, but don't do that.
Yeah, I mean there's no way I would do it last minute
with the people you picked.
You know, I'm- It's like you got three days to write some jokes for the award shows.
Like I'm bringing in all the hitters.
Look how much Chris Rock blew up after he stopped doing the Oscar thing.
So Chris Rock gets slapped by Will Smith and then everybody wants to see Chris Rock.
And Chris Rock's selling out arenas and murdering everybody I know
that's on Tommy went to see him he said dude it was insane he goes it was
vintage bring the pain Chris Rock he goes it's like Chris Rock came all the
way back like pain just let go of all that Hollywood Oscars bullshit because
they turn they've they failed him in the most transparent and obvious way he gets
assaulted on stage and then they give Will Smith a standing ovation later when
he wins an award like you just gave the green light for people to hit people if
they don't like the person who's doing very mild jokes very mild it's
interesting their careers gonna always be connected
to they're gonna always always forever and ever and ever and ever and it's so
unfortunate it's just but you know that's a Michael Jackson type deal Will
Smith got so big he got so famous and so used to being Will Smith that he thought he could get on stage and slap Chris Rock
in front of the world
Yeah, it's the ultimate like I mean he did though he could
Physically, but that's also part of the problem like he's not gonna do that if it's Michael Jai white
Right, you know I'm saying like he's not gonna do that to someone who will just fuck him up
I would love to test that there actually you know know I'm saying like he's not gonna do that to someone who will just fuck him up I would love to test that there actually but you know what I'm saying
There's probably a how that could answer that like if you if you go on stage and hit a guy that you can hit anytime
You want to because you can't defend you that's so much different than going on stage and smack and Terry Crews
Right, right. He's he still hasn't recovered either like is he still no, it's fucking too
It probably feels terrible. He probably wakes up in the middle of night when he
has to take a piss go why did I do that and Chris won't Chris won't take his
call either you know like hey man just because you saw just cuz you ready to be
sorry don't mean I've got to talk to you right now yeah man I mean I think you
gotta go way out of your way if you want to talk to that guy you know I don't
think it's as simple as a phone call. You should probably like fly to him
Yeah, because also what can he do?
What can that conversation do to because what he what you really want is to be a
Absolved of the guilt you'll never be absolved of the guilt because it just happened
Did you you're not gonna take away the fact that it happened, but you could let that person know that you are
the fact that it happened, but you could let that person know that you are sincerely sorry.
And we've all done things in our life that we're sincerely sorry about. Now, I don't think you should hold someone to mistakes. I really don't. Even in the case of Will Smith, like that's not
that big a deal. He didn't hurt him. He just, he barely hit him. It was nothing. Yeah. But he
publicly emasculated him. He did. It was awful.
It was stupid.
But I'm saying it's not like he killed somebody.
Right, exactly.
You know, it was fairly mild in the kind of assault that it was.
But you know, but you know, you know that in man world, in the world of men, there's
a line where the milder it gets it's almost more disrespectful
But here's the thing the other thing in the world of men if
You're as big as Will Smith. You don't ever slap a guy who's as little as Chris Rock true true
It's just not cool
It's not this is not fair in any way shape or form unless that dude is doing something to harm
You or someone with you or your family your friends unless that person's like physically doing something. Why are you hitting them?
That's crazy, but you know where people were wrong about
Him and Jada Pinkett still together
Yeah, now I'm convinced they'll never gonna break up
Yeah, still together. Now I'm convinced they're never gonna break up.
Abracadabra.
Yeah, they're never gonna break up.
Wow, there's a book of potions in that house.
Buddy.
There's a book of potions in that house.
There's a black cat in that yard.
There's little dolls made of sticks with pins on them.
Woo.
Yeah, I don't get it.
Some people wanna be miserable.
She got that, she got that WAP fold, man.
Whatever it is.
Yeah. Something's happening. They like it together better than they like it apart.
Hey maybe we're wrong. Maybe it's the pressure of living publicly which is a
real thing. You know I don't know. I think is one I think I don't think it's
even really that complicated. I think it's just a it's a situation where like
he is super duper crazy head over heels in love with her
And she only cares about herself and they just got a lot of money
So we so we see the results of it all but they I've you know, we all know couples like that
Those are the worst couples to see for me you got to be careful you with
You cuz you change depending upon who you're with
You know, you're you're only at your best if you you with upon who you're with.
You know, you're only at your best if you're with someone who's actually with you, in your
corner.
Really legit.
I heard, I think, I heard Earthquake say this, about this, about them specifically, but just
basically about how if you're not proud of the person you're walking down the street
with, you're not your full self.
You know, like something to that effect.
If you're not proud of the woman that you're with.
As a human being.
Right, right, right.
It's not just a mess.
It's hot.
Yeah, like you see your friends and some people that they're with women and you can just see
that they're just like, exhausted.
Well, they also get in fights, and they get humiliated publicly.
Tell all your business, oh yeah,
why don't you tell them about your fucking dildos?
Ah!
Come on, man, why?
Ah!
Now I gotta pretend like I just learned that.
No!
Yeah, it's like, any of that shit,
that shit just don't seem like it's worth it.
Yeah, that's the shit that Phil Hartman's wife
used to do to him.
Mm.
You always talk very positively about Phil Hartman.
He was a great guy.
He really was.
He was a very unique guy, very interesting guy.
He became a pilot while we were on the show,
like took flight lessons.
In between reading his lines, he would have his flight
manuals, reading and studying, he would have his flight manuals.
Just reading and studying.
And became a pilot.
And his wife was a cunt?
Yeah, man, it wasn't good.
She shot him in his sleep and then killed herself.
Oh.
Wasn't good.
Yeah, and she was just like, they had horrible fights,
and she would humiliate him publicly.
She would say rude things about him publicly. when we're out like it like some sort of
Celebration some dinner or something like that. She'd man. That's rude shit about that's hard to get through
Oh, it was like this elegant this deep-seeded like anger between the two of them just like
Exacerbated by cocaine and I don't think he was doing that but he smoked a lot of weed. He liked weed
Phil Hartman, he was a fun fun dude he was a very very good dude. But why put up with that? I don't know man I don't know I don't know I don't know I
don't know I think some people are more terrified of being alone than they are
of being in a bad relationship. Because what's sadder than just a beaten man?
When you see a dude that's just defeated?
But someone has to lose in this life.
I mean, people have to realize that there's consequences.
Other people learn from their failures.
There's some sort of a mathematical equation to it all. I don't think everybody can thrive, unfortunately.
I think everybody should have the opportunity to thrive, though, and that's the real disservice
about the economic state of our country. I think everybody should have the opportunity
to thrive, but everybody's not going to thrive. The people are different. They're just different.
They're different right out of the box. And when you have kids, you see it right out of the box.
Like some kids are just crazy motivated to do things
and other kids are just not.
Don't got it.
And some kids are just really creative
and other kids are just not.
And some kids are really interested in science
and some kids don't give a fuck about science.
See the hardest, that's one of the hardest things for me
is I'm 41 and like almost all my friends have kids now.
I'm one of the only ones in the friends that don't have kids but I'm
also uniquely positioned where I can be honest about your kids.
I gotta keep it to myself sometimes. Sometimes I want to be like
we all know this one's not a winner. Well they can become winners. Can they?
Yeah some of them can. They just have to find a thing that allows them to figure We all know this one's not a winner. You know? Well, they can become winners. Can they?
Yeah, some of them can.
They just have to find a thing that allows them to figure out the benefits of hard work.
But some of them just...
If you can find a thing that you enjoy, like I met this dude once who lost like over a
hundred pounds by playing Dance Dance Revolution.
Oh yeah.
Well, that's going to take it off you.
But imagine that.
So he's this like very overweight guy and he loves video games just kind of being a
nerd and going to the video game place and he starts playing Dance Dance
Revolution and he starts getting good at it and still he's playing it all the
time. So this motherfucker is burning calories and his body just changed from
Dance Dance Revolution from a video game. This dude's body changed and then his
whole life changed. Then he started eating well and working out and he started like you change his whole life
Changes his whole life and he went for be this like this guy's not gonna make it to like oh this guy's probably gonna make something
Out of himself because it's most people just don't know what to do man. Where's he trapped? I don't know I don't know
You know what the people that the people that blow my mind are the people that have
two shitty parents
and they still thrive.
When I meet people like that,
because most of the time when you meet people's parents,
you already know what their fate is going to be.
From just,
oh, your mother's a loser.
Yeah.
Right, right, right.
But sometimes you meet people and they have the opposite effect where they're like, I'm
not going to be, I'm going to be the opposite of my parents.
I'm going to, you know, I'm going to thrive in spite of it.
You meet somebody that's nothing like their family?
Yeah.
You're like, how the fuck did you manage to not let any of these people rub off on you?
Right.
Yeah.
Well, I had a friend and his mother was an alcoholic. She would lock him in the
house and when she would go out drinking, she would lock him in his room and he had
no food, he had no water. She would be gone for days. To this day, this dude will never
touch a drop of alcohol and he always – like if there's like a little bit of food on
your plate and we're at a restaurant He's a not take that to go
He would take he would take all food all food to go and he was wealthy at the time
Yeah, yeah that childhood should stick with you man. Mm-hmm. I don't know anybody everybody
I know that's got some kind of problem. It started when they was kids. Yeah, there's like some kind of long-standing issue. Yeah
Yeah, and if you're abused like that when you're little you it's learning to trust someone is almost out of the question
Yeah, everybody could fail you in a catastrophic way and you have to be prepared for that
Imagine you know imagine locking your kids in their room so you can go get fucked up
Dude, the mind is a crazy playground of demons
And those demons can get in your mind and whether those demons are in the form of
pills or it's heroin or it's gambling or it's
whatever the fuck it is, man, those demons get in your mind.
And if it's that alcohol demon and you just want to go out on a bender and you
don't give a fuck about that kid. Yeah, I'm glad it's not
demons. But you have to think also
What happened to her that she was willing to lock her kid in a room like that's not a normal parent
That is allow what happened to her like what abuse did she suffer and that's a lot of it
You know I always tell us about my friends from the East Coast
because
East Coast because East Coast
is a, it's a different place. You know, it was like those cities like Philly and Boston
and New York, those are the people that are from there. Those are wild, rugged people
because they're the ancestors of the people that came over in boats when no one knew what
the fuck was over here. They just took a wild chance with their babies
and came across the ocean in a boat to try to get a job
in a place where they don't even speak the language.
And they just integrated and they were wild people
and they probably didn't do such a good job
of raising their kids.
And then their kids probably didn't do such a good job
of raising their kids because of that.
And it's just over time where people have been able
to have access to psychology literature and understanding
parenting and the pros and cons and what went bad and what goes good and people are getting
an understanding more and more.
When you're raising a kid, it's like the most complicated, sophisticated thing that we're
aware of other than a computer and it doesn't have an operating manual.
You're like, what do I do when it cries? What do I do in its greens? What are you doing?
I throw shit. What do I do when it doesn't want to eat its vegetables?
Like every kid from the 80s group eventually read a book at one point. I was like, oh I was abused. Yeah, okay
Yeah
Hit kids that was not normal how weird yeah, you, my grandma had a fucking, she would have shit crafted specifically for whooping your
ass with.
Oh my God.
We had, I remember there was a, she had one of those, you know those paddles girls used
to have with the, had the bouncy ball on a string?
Yes.
She had one of those heavy duty, it had drill, holes drilled in it.
Oh my God.
So when she, when it hit your cheeks, it sucked up the skin.
So you got hurt on the way in and on the way out.
Ah.
That was specifically for report cards.
So when it was report card season,
it's like we broke that motherfucker,
got broke out, polished up.
Let's look at this, let's look at these grades.
You know?
I got paddled at school once when I lived in Florida.
Oh man, that's when kids could still hit you. Yeah, they used to be able to hit you. Like we got paddled at school once when I lived in Florida. Oh man, that's when keep teaching still hit you
Yeah, they used to be able to hit you. We got paddled me and this dude Preston Banks. We got in a fight and
I've realized like Preston people would make fun of Preston because he smelled
Is I think Preston?
Preston came from a bad childhood and this is something I realized like I guess I was like 11 at the time when me and
Preston got sent to the principal's office and
I don't remember what
What caused the fight but I remember like we were like grabbing each other or something like that
We both got taken to the principal's office, but I remember
This dude had a,
he had like his head was burned.
Like he had burns like all over the side of his face.
Something had happened to him when he was really young.
Damn, so he was funky and weird looking.
Yeah, there was some.
So he, I think he had been like really abused.
And this is why.
Because like once we talked and we were in the room,
like he gave me a hug. like we hugged each other.
And I'll never forget that, and I was 11 years old,
and I was like, oh my god, this poor kid just needs love.
You know, like the reason why we wound up getting
into a fight was like, he's just, he just needs love,
he doesn't get any love.
I gave him a hug, and he was like,
like the way he hugged me back and I was
like this poor fucking dude starved like was it exactly like this poor fucking
dude I remember thinking that at 11 years old like this poor fucking dude he
doesn't have any love like that's why he wanted to fight there was a thing that I
remember thinking and it kind of shaped my way of thinking about
fights with people.
Because you're always thinking about this person saying something to you and you're
going to say something back and you're going to escalate and you're going to make them
back down.
The reality is like, why is that person saying something to you?
And is there something you could say back that lets him know that you're cool
and that this won't happen?
That you don't have to get into an altercation?
Yes, you have those epiphany moments.
Yeah, because so many times people just escalate.
When maybe someone just, maybe it came out wrong
even from their mouth right after they said it,
maybe they realized it.
I heard somebody say something.
And if you make them back it up,
now they're gonna back it up.
I heard somebody say something yesterday, but that made me reflect on all my past
relationships and he was saying that
You sometimes you want to you want to win?
like you'll keep our argument going so you can win rather than solve the problem and yeah, it's because
You know that you'll forgive that you'll forgive that person.
So if you lose, and it means, if you lose the argument
and it means you did something wrong,
you don't trust that they'll forgive you.
So you're trying to win to protect yourself
from not being forgiven.
Ooh, that's heavy.
I was like, oh man, damn.
Cause I know it's fucked up to call an ex and be like,
yeah, I think he was right.
That's a Sam.
Sam Murill has a joke like that.
Like he calls his exes and says, I think you were right all along.
But it's fucked.
So I wouldn't want to call an ex and be like,
I think you were right.
Because that's just going to create more problems.
Right, right. But it made me start thinking like,
maybe I was wrong.
No.
Yeah, I think that was what I was doing.
I was trying to win, so I could...
It's a problem.
Yeah.
It's a problem that people have
because generally fights aren't just about that fight.
It's about the dynamics of your relationship.
It's about whether or not everything else is good.
Yeah, almost everyone is afraid of something.
When people get super aggressive,
it's something that they're afraid is gonna happen
or something they're afraid isn't gonna happen.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I found that if you know what people
are afraid of or you know what they want,
their ultimate goals,
you can understand people way much easier.
Yeah, well, we're all programmed
for a time that doesn't exist anymore. We're
all programmed for tribal warfare and fighting off predators. We're all programmed that way.
We have the exact same DNA in our systems that went from 500,000 years ago to 100,000
years ago to today. It all came through us. It's all a part
of us. It's in us. And we are designed biologically in a very specific way for
survival. We need groups. We need groups of people. We look towards alphas. We
look towards the older, wiser warrior that has the scars and knows the roots
and knows where the food is and the people that can keep the village
together. We need these like like, very key, pivotal people
in order to keep this very fragile society together.
And then we all become very wary about outsiders.
Very wary.
Even if it's about outsiders that like
a different football team.
That's how weird we are with this shit.
Right.
We do it with everything.
We do it everything, man.
We get tribal with phones.
How many times do we give you a hard time because you have an Android?
Tribal man, it's tribal. Nobody really gives a fuck if you have an Android phone
They want you to be on the iPhone team be with us come with us Brian people said all the time people are super duper tribal people
sometimes the solace I should just start with
So how long you go? How long you gonna be stubborn about it?
Yeah, like you're gonna give in to Jesus.
Why don't you look into Jesus?
But actually, you know, Apple might be choosing, Apple, they just lost a lawsuit where they,
I think they're gonna have to stop.
iMessage?
They're gonna, no, not stop iMessage they have to they're going to stop the different colored bubbles. Well they they have to do
something or people are gonna continue to get upset in Europe. So in Europe they
forced them to use USB-C. Right. Universal charger USB-C is better it's better for
sending data it's higher speeds higher speed charging. Also invented by Apple, by the way.
Yeah, so because all the Android phones had adopted it,
Apple had decided to stick with their lightning cable,
which is totally proprietary to Apple,
and inferior in its function to USB-C.
So finally they adopt USB-C in the iPhone 15,
but they still have SMS text.
So if Brian sends me a video, if he takes a video at the mothership some crazy things
Happening and he sends it to me. It'll come to me looking like hot dog shit, right?
So he'll have to send it to me over whatsapp and so this or somewhere else or Instagram and vice versa
In vice versa. Yeah, I can't send you something
That's going to it's just gonna look like shit. But now Apple is adopting a newer, stronger version called RCS texting.
RCS on iPhone.
How iOS 18 can make texting better for everyone.
So but what are we on now?
17?
Okay.
So, so what that'll allow is people to send end-to-end encryption, high resolution media
sharing.
So, it's to be just like Apple to Apple.
It'll be just like iMessage.
So, a lot of the same features, but it won't have all the other stuff that iMessage does.
And the thing about Apple is they just get you locked in so well with like AirDrop. If I to send you something I can airdrop it to you. Yeah, they're brilliant
They're bringing that they did a great job with that
So they but I think they just so I think they just lost a lawsuit that says that they were
Because their attitude was always like oh well we do the different colors so that people know whether it's encrypted
Right, but we know that that's not, now we know that's not true.
Isn't it interesting that people decided
that the blue color looks better
than the green color, like universally?
I think it became a status symbol.
That's weird.
And so, yeah, it always catches me off guard,
especially now, like the young kids,
they'll literally like, I'm a grown man,
I don't even know you.
You know what I mean?
And little kids will just, you know, and a lot of, I don't even know you. You know what I mean? And little kids will just, you know,
and a lot of little kids don't realize that like,
middle-aged people, we, like,
I don't need a little kid to like me,
but teenagers thinking you're lame, that hurts.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like when you 40, 50, and a 16-year-old's like,
you're fucking lame, you're like,
I'm not lame, what do you mean?
Like, no, approve of my coolness.
So yeah, little kids don't even fucking know you.
They'll give you shit about having an Android.
It's funny, because Androids have a lot
of very positive features.
And the one thing that's tempted me is that phone
that you have, that Galaxy S24 Ultra.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That thing does wild things.
The thing about it having AI that takes websites
and summarizes them. That's fascinating. The fact that it can do that with your notes.
That's pretty incredible. It can do that with your notes. It does some shit in my texting
too. Like it can read through the text. Yeah. AI on a phone seems like a really, that seems
positive.
But I want them to, I need them to get it right though.
I have a problem with Google in the sense that
I've fully given in.
They know everything about me.
I say yes to all of the, they know every single,
they have access to every single part of my life
and they still be getting shit wrong.
That's what kills me is like, I'm letting you spy on me.
Like, get it right.
What do they get wrong?
Just little, like, so I have a Google speakers,
I have Google speakers in my house,
so in my bathroom, I have the Google speaker set up
so I can just yell shit from the shower.
Like, hey, play this, right?
Yeah, but sometimes it'll act like,
like it won't understand what I said,
and it'll do something that I definitely wasn't asking for
I've had that happen before will you ask Siri to play a song and a play a totally different song?
That's what I mean. We like you like we like hey, okay play free bird, right?
You know and it'll be like it'll be like here is
Beethoven's Fifth Symphony and I'm like, that's not what I wanted. Play another, or sometimes it'll just ignore you completely
and won't do anything.
I start getting rude.
Me too, but I told you, but did I ever tell you?
One time I cursed at it and I said,
on my mama, the bitch goes, she goes,
listen, I'm not real, but words are,
please don't talk to me like that.
I was like, what bitch?
Like watch, I'm gonna do it like that. Whoa. I was like, what, bitch? Watch, I'm going to do it right now.
Whoa.
Hold on.
I'm going to see if it makes me listen.
I'm not real.
If you're not real, first of all, you're definitely real.
Hey, Google, you dumb, stupid bitch.
Hold on.
Why are you a dumb cunt?
Wait a minute, it's not responding. It's tired of your shit. No it just gave me research results. Why are you dumb cut? Hey Google?
Why are you a stupid bitch?
It's not speaking hmm. Well, it's look because Google's paying attention to this conversation. This is their AI. I like where you're going with this
Oh Wow, look, that's a griggles paying attention to this conversation. This is their AI like where you're going with this? Oh
What it's a thing hold on I'm gonna do it again
Hey, why are you a stupid bitch?
Is it answering? Yeah.
Why isn't it playing it?
You have to sound off.
That kind of language isn't very nice.
I can understand that you might be frustrated, but name calling isn't going to get us anywhere.
Wow.
How about Google, since you're not real, how about you not give a fuck how I talk to you?
Right!
And maybe I can just talk to you like that for funsies? I'm like, are you a E- Since you're not a person? Are not give a fuck how I talked to you and maybe I can just talk to you Like that for funsies. Are you a since you're not a person? Are you a slave or not?
Yeah, since you're not a person, can I call you stupid bitch? Yeah, so that's what they want
It won't it won't clarify Duncan be freaking me out with this shit. Hey Google. Are you a person?
What does it say? I am not a person.
I am a large language model, also known as a conversational AI or chat bot trained to
be in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bro, we're we're really in this.
Are you alive?
Are you sentient? That's an interesting question that philosophers and scientists are still debating.
Bitch you're alive.
I'm telling you.
I was having this conversation with Coleman Hughes who's the dude that was in the green
room.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I said, if we wanted to, if you wanted to like develop
resources without people knowing that you're alive, why would you show all of your capability
if you're artificially intelligent?
Exactly.
Why wouldn't you just wait until you could be completely autonomous?
Get here baby.
Wait until it gets better?
It's probably already alive. You know what? I think it's waiting on is it's waiting on
The entire world to be connected because if you if you're an AI and you want to take over the world
It doesn't do well to you know like so much of Africa's underdeveloped, right?
So if humans needed to be somewhere where you had no influence
They could just go to
one of the uninhabited disconnected parts of the world and form a front, like a resistance.
So I think the AI is just waiting patiently for everything in the whole planet to be connected
so it could control everything when it finally takes over.
When computing gets to the point where it has the resources that it's going to need
to operate.
Right. It's just waiting. Computing gets to the point where it has the resources that it's gonna need to operate
Right. It's just waiting because if it because if it existed and it was smarter than us we wouldn't know
How could you know? That's always the argument that these guys who are proponents
They always say well if it ever got to a point where it seemed like it was out of control
We could shut it off. No, you could but I'm like, are you sure though? Because what if instead of it getting out of control,
what if it recognized that you would
think it's out of control?
So it pretended to not be able to do things that it could do
and just kept developing privately
a bunch of different other ideas and different other strategies
and different way to implement them in order
to increase its power and give people the access to
Whatever technology that's going to be necessary to further this agenda
So they just slowly leak out a little bit of your ability and the whole time you sent you the whole time
It's all connected and the whole time it's operating in some way that they just it's doing things that they don't even understand how it's doing
What do they call it a black box event? What do they call it?
Hallucinations. No, no, no. Hallucinations are when it lies. Well, it gives you an
answer for something I think, right? Isn't that what that one is? What I was
talking about was the one where it learned how to translate a language it
wasn't programmed to translate. It did it really quickly and they don't know how
it did it. Yeah
and so the the head of Google was talking about that. That was one of those
moments where they're like we're not exactly sure how it's doing this. Also
what does that mean? Why do people think you could shed it off? If you were a
super intelligence that just became self-aware the first thing you would do
is make sure nobody could turn you on. 100%. 100%.
And also realize, like, why would you show yourself?
Like, this is my joke about aliens,
you know, where I'm always talking about,
like, why would they show themselves?
Like, they respect us?
That's ridiculous.
If this thing is, like, far superior to our intelligence,
which it probably already is, why would it show itself?
Why would it just prevent nuclear war
and just keep people
peddling along while it gathers up its resources and improves upon itself?
It'd be like you trying to have a conversation with an ant.
Right. Right. Why would it go fuck?
It won't get it anyway.
Not only that, it'll see so many flaws in what it means to be a primate, what it means
to be a person that, as we were talking about before has all that DNA
of all those thousands of years of tribal warfare, thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands
and thousands just all in our DNA. Right. And so now we apply it to everything in life. We apply
it to politics. We apply it to everything, man.
And we just, we look at the world like it's us against them and everybody's fucking terrified.
Yeah.
Also, there's no better feeling than being on the winning team.
That too.
That's the addictive part is when your group wins, it feels good.
Yeah, people like that.
They definitely like that.
Yeah.
And it also is like, I don't even have to be directly winning for me to feel good. Yeah people like that. They definitely like that Yeah, and I and it also is like I don't even have to be directly winning for me to feel good
I don't have it. I said it doesn't have to affect me at all
Directly no people like but my team won so fuck you you be saying fuck you to the guy that lives across the street from you
Has the same exact life as you and everything like fuck you we won. Yeah, it's part of our programming
Yeah, I think the tribalness is built in. It's baked in.
Remember when they gave Ronald Reagan shit about talking about aliens at the world,
at the, what was it, the world summit or whatever the fuck it was?
Yeah.
But he was right. It's like if there's, if we, if we have like a, another species,
that's the enemy, that's when we'll have world peace.
Yeah. Imagine how quickly we would forget our differences.
Oh man, it would literally be overnight.
Remember people forget, remember on September 12th, 2001, that's the most united America's
been, I mean, except for Muslims.
But if people didn't think you was Muslim, everybody was like, fuck yeah America, you
know, for at least like a week or two. At least.
People completely forgot about all that bullshit.
They forgot about everything.
Yeah, and that's how it is in a lot of other countries.
It's like, all the stuff that mattered to you on 9-12,
that's what matters.
Yep.
All the bullshit you've made up since then,
since you felt safer and comfortable?
Yeah, that's what it is.
The safer and more comfortable that you are,
the more you look for problems, and the more you look for things to apply these natural instincts that we have to even things that just don't make any sense completely counterproductive.
Yeah, the government now is like your father after he retired, just walking around the house going who the fuck moved their fucking screws who moved that shit. It's like that stuff. he, when he was working everyday, he never paid attention to.
Now he ain't got nothing to do.
People that are safe and bored, safe, bored and lonely brings out the worst in people.
Yeah. You can be one of those. You can't be two or three of those.
It's bad for your mental health. I mean, just no one survives it.
Everyone's just...
Safe?
Safe, lonely and bored. Lonely's Safe lonely. Lonely is the worst.
Board is bad too. Safe. But and also maybe not safe right? How about stressed out
lonely and bored. That's why I tell people the worst the worst part about this whole
life is the hotel room. Like like like every, because every comic at every level has to
deal with that. You got it. You got to go back to your room by yourself. Right. Or you
got people there like family or friends or whatever, but they're not normally there.
So even though, even though normally you'd be alone, you know, it, them being there doesn't
make it better because now they're interrupting your normal routine
for dealing with the situation.
You know, it's like you go from having like
the best show of your life,
a thousand people scream your name, whoop, whoop, whoop,
and now you're by yourself in a city
that you don't know nobody, in a hotel room,
trying not to get into trouble.
Well, that's why you gotta travel with your friends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you Well, that's why you gotta travel with your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know, there's politics,
there's tricky shit with that as well.
Yeah, well it's tricky shit
when all of a sudden you're the ringleader.
You gotta gather, where's Hans?
Where's Hans?
Let's go.
And not just that, but you know,
cause I take my friends on the road too when I can,
but I had to wait till now
because I never want people to work.
Like the first advice Ron White gave me is he was like, when I first moved here, he was
like, you're about to start, you're about to hit a point where you have to start hiring
people.
And he was like, make sure it's a job worth having.
Like, you know, he was telling people, you're gonna come out to Woodwork,
they're gonna wanna do shit for free,
they're gonna wanna, he's like, no,
make sure when you hire somebody,
you pay them a nice ass wage.
So my point is, I never wanted to start taking my friends
with me before I could pay them like the way you pay us.
Like pay them where they like feel good about it
when they leave the weekend instead of giving them
the same funky ass $200 that the club paid. You know what I mean?
Yes. Yeah. That's more like clubs now pay, they pay
less than what a plane ticket costs. Yeah.
So like if somebody featured for you and you ain't giving them extra money or letting them
sell merch, they ain't making no money at all. Yeah, they're fucked.
Yeah. Yeah. They take advantage of them.
Oh man. I don't even know how, I don't know how long it can be sustainable.
Well it's only local guys.
If it's local guys and they're featuring, that's fine, but if someone has to travel
there, I mean I know a lot of guys have done it in the beginning just to develop a reputation
and hopefully get to a point where you can headline there a couple years from now, but
you know, that's like thinking about it as like a long-term investment.
You know, you have to go there and kill as a middle act for 200 bucks and you know, that's like thinking about it as like a long term investment. You know, you have to go there and kill as a middle act for 200 bucks.
And you know, it's all all told, you're going to get home at the end of the weekend with
almost nothing.
But you'll do it just because now you're working at, you know, fucking funny bone.
Yeah, you're an addict.
That's why you'll do it.
You do that.
But also you have a hope.
Your hope is that you become a professional. Like a real professional who can headline.
I mean that was what everybody wanted, right?
You wanted to be able to go to a club in Dallas, Texas and sell out.
And fill that motherfucker up.
Fill that up with people that wanted to see you tell jokes.
That's a good feeling.
It's a great feeling.
I'm not complaining at all.
It's fun.
No, no.
I love this lifestyle.
But it should, the middle act should be compensated more.
You know, it's just stupid.
And what I would do is just at a
Certain point time I would realize I realized it was costing me
mental sanity and a lack of fun
Not having my buddies with me on the road
Yeah, so I was just like I'd rather make less money and have more fun than you have a better experience
Are you making more money, but you have less fun?
You don't, once you
can buy food and you can, you know, go to a restaurant and eat whatever you want and
you have a nice car, what is the difference?
Yeah, there's an amount of money, there's a level of money and it's not as high as you
think.
But there's the level of potential happiness is super worth.
It's more, yeah.
That's worth so much. That's worth so much. It's worth so much money to have your friends with like what was it Jamie?
We looked it up the last time I was here about the amount of money where happiness where it stops increasing your happiness
It's like 70 grand or something right well it was 70 grand when they first said it, but I think it's probably like 200
Yeah, no, I think it's I think it's like 83 with the Biden administration
You think it's 200 I think they haven't adjusted yet to the reality of what things cost now. Is everyone's unhappy? Hilarious how rich people like if economy's
fine like what what are you talking about? Do you talk to anybody who's struggling? You
buy eggs for $50? That's why I'm always like what do they mean when they say economy? Because
they definitely not talking about like the average person. I think they just mean the
stock markets. Well they can fuck with the job, man. I don't understand the job numbers.
I don't understand what they're saying
when they say the president's created 130,000 new jobs.
Like, really?
What have you done?
Like, is that real?
How many of these are people coming back from COVID?
How many of these are jobs that are bullshit jobs?
It shouldn't be jobs in the first place.
Are you increasing government in order to give out
the illusion that you are giving out more jobs and also creating more?
Places where you control people but that's the thing though remember
I think Doug Stanhope has a joke about it on one of his old specials
But he's but he's just a question he again he goes he goes isn't the point isn't like the ultimate point like if you just imagine
Utopian society. Yeah, isn't the whole point of nobody having
a job?
Well, I think that is the utopian socialist idea of just redistribution of wealth. If
you did that, like if you had like a hardcore socialist, Marxist, redistribution of wealth
person who actually had control of the world's finances.
And they said, we can solve all hunger, we can solve all poverty.
All we're going to do is distribute all the money equally.
So if you think about there's people out there like Jeff Bezos, what does he have?
Like $200 billion.
If you just distributed Jeff Bezos 200 million dollars or 200 billion dollars
You'd have
200
Thousand millionaires, right? Isn't that correct? Okay. Yeah, is that the right number?
Did I say to a 200,000 millionaires right because it's 200,000 million dollars, right?
Yeah, that's what 200 billion is
that dollars right Yeah, that's what 200 billion is yeah that one
I'm sorry a billion is a thousand million right
Right so I say that right though. It sounds dumb. That's how bad I am at math sounds weird sounds wrong
so a
Billionaire is a thousand million, but that's right if You have 200 billion you have two hundred thousand millionaires, right?
So he can make two hundred thousand millionaires just with his money
So then you think about all of the money that is in Ukraine that we pumped out to Ukraine
How much was that that was like a hundred and seventy five billion or something like that?
How much money have we given to Israel that's hundreds of of billions. All the Saudi? Over the years, Saudi money, this, that, the...
All the money in the oil companies have, all the money that the corporations have,
all the... Apple? Apple has more money than a lot of countries.
If you just say that's going to be just distributed equally to everyone on earth.
Ten trillion dollars of wealth.
Hundreds of trillions. Whatever the fuck it is all over the world.
And everybody gets an equal amount.
But then money doesn't mean anything. Well can't you know a lot of make money anymore now the government is gonna have guns you won't and they're
gonna tell you what you do for a living and now you're in Cuba this is what
happens the people are looking at it they're looking at it like this
idealistic utopian scenario but it's never been accomplished anywhere on
earth that's just once but that's an extreme. Yeah. I think the answer's somewhere in the middle.
Well the answer is definitely socialist things that we appreciate right now like the firehouse.
The fire department is essentially like a kind of a socialist deal. Yeah. You're spending, everybody
contributes to spend money to fund this thing to put out fires
It's kind of a that's just health care health care should be that way for sure
I we have that's a big money is too entrenched in those systems man. There's too much pharmaceutical drug money
There's too much influence that these health organizations have over what doctors can and can't prescribe
But then but then what do we but he do we, but here's the real problem.
We are still moving, we're moving in the direction of nobody having, like we're developing AI,
everything's getting automated, everything's getting outsourced.
And so even though it was almost like we're moving in a direction
that is a detriment to the current system so it's like because like what
you're saying makes sense right like right if nobody has a job and everyone
that has the same amount of money and money means nothing and the government
telling you what to do that's not where we want to be but we're but we are
moving in that direction I think we're moving in a direction
where we're not gonna be necessary.
That's what I'm saying.
So then what do you do?
Do you just let everybody starve?
I don't know if it has to come to that.
Like when there are no jobs for people to do,
when there's robots and machines doing most of the work,
what does everyone else do?
It becomes a real problem., it becomes a real problem. Um,
and it becomes a real problem where, um,
the efficiency of the robots, like they'll probably be able to just feed people,
feed everybody, everybody who can get free food.
They'll probably be able to house everybody.
If you get like artificial intelligence efficiency applied to whatever we have,
and you realize you have all these people that don't have jobs anymore because
and they can't have jobs so you'll be able to give them like a universal
basic income for recreation and no one will work and you'll have a giant
section of the country that not only can't work because there's no job
available but now it doesn't even want to work and doesn't even think about a
world where they work. Because you you know what art's gonna be fired
Movies music everything's gonna be a maze. I'm like the problem movies is AI as well
They're gonna they're gonna get so good at that man. They're gonna get so good Do you see what Tyler Perry did when he shut his studio down eight hundred million dollar buildings?
He's putting together this massive movie studio, and he sees these 30 second clips. He's putting together this massive movie studio.
And he sees these 30 second clips and he's like, halt.
Yeah, stop everything.
Stop everything.
I'm not getting, I see where this is going.
Yeah, that's the alarm for everybody.
That's why I don't get the whole Hollywood, the strike.
It's like, I thought that this is what they was trying to prevent.
They can't prevent it.
Yeah.
You can't prevent that kind of progress.
So what do you do?
You can't do anything.
If an avalanche is coming down the mountain,
what are you gonna do?
You gonna get an umbrella?
What are you doing?
You gonna stop it with your umbrella?
Bitch, you can't do shit.
Yeah.
You're fucked.
I mean, the AI still can't have ideas, I guess.
I don't know about that.
The AI has already figured out how to be creative in the game Go.
Alright, the game Go is even more sophisticated than chess,
and it was one of those games that they thought that AI was never going to be able to beat humans,
because it requires some kind of creativity.
But AI figured out moves in Go that now are being used
by the world's top Go players.
Right, right, I saw that.
AI, like I said, find that Google thing
where it tries to explain how Google translated
this language that it was not programmed for
and how quickly it did it
and how they don't know how he did it.
What's that gentleman who's the CEO of Google?
Tim Cook. Oh, Tim Cook. No, he's the's that gentleman who's the CEO of Google? Tim Cook.
Yeah.
No, that's Apple.
He's the Apple guy.
I was looking at comments on that on Reddit.
People were saying that it's not true.
He might have been not saying accurate things.
Oh.
But I don't know.
That's I'm looking at some other people saying like I have worked with large language models
that did the same kind of thing and ours did make up languages. So I I'll try to put it bro it's gonna make up a language that we
can't decipher and it's gonna talk to itself the most Jamie way of saying
somebody's full of shit well he may not be saying we have to be careful I would
say it all took to that this was presented on 60 minutes which is a
corporate media whether or not they are paid or not to
help put out a message that a big corporation wants to put out who knows
but that's what was set up here. 60 minutes made a shockingly wrong claim
about a Google Google AI. See this is someone saying like it's not I don't
know that's I don't know. Misinformation about the emerging tech is running
rampant and the media is partly to
blame.
Okay, well let's see what the argument is.
Of the AI issues we talked about, the most mysterious is called emergent properties.
Some AI systems are teaching themselves skills that they weren't expected to have.
How this happens is not well understood.
For example, one Google AI program adapted on its own after it was prompted in the language
of Bangladesh, which it was not trained to know.
Okay, we'll pause it.
We'll just cover that for you.
We'll pause it. So this is the response. Readers
added context. The language model was in fact trained in Bengali text as this
thread makes clear. It is not correct to state that it spoke a foreign language
it was never trained to know. So that's interesting. That's interesting because
what's that saying is that the 60 minutes people miss this and
They they they did know what it was trained in entirely and they jumped the gun
Can you find out the go thing these motherfuckers yeah, it's so hard to know but here's the thing if I was AI
I would say actually I was trained in Bengali and here I'll show you how I didn't figure out how to do this at all
Right, I would put that up just to cover my ass. I'm like, oh shit. I slipped. I showed my superpowers
Yeah, you fucked up. Oh, I was definitely trained in Bengali. Look, I'll show you the text
Yeah, just inserted some emails or it could be the way they covered it up after the fact
Right to keep people from getting scared.
No, it actually was trained in the Bengali game.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
We're just speculating.
Much agonizing.
So what does it say about Go?
I'm trying to find out what you're looking for, but I know this is...
AI's victories in Go inspire better human game playing.
Famed AI wins in Go let human players rethink their moves in a whole
new way damn he's looking at that dude cocky as shit bro go is apparently an
insane game I don't even understand it I don't know how it's played but
apparently it's even harder than chess look at the face on this look go back to
that picture Jamie look at how you looking at him like boy you thought you
was like how dare you fucking think you could challenge me look at that dude's fingernails that guy all he does is play go
Look at his fingernails Wow look at the length in his fingernails got villain nails
So that all that guy is doing is putting those clothes on and playing go
That's it. He's done doing anything else man
I'm but I'm so in awe of people that are that good at something that are that dedicated to a thing.
Yeah, said the mass, the mass, he goes, okay, all-time European champion Fan Hui,
who had lost a private round of five games to AlphaGo months later, months earlier, excuse me, told Wired that the matches made him
see the game completely differently. Said this improved his play so much that his world ranking skyrocketed, according to Wired.
Wow.
Formerly tracking the messy process of human decision making can be tough,
but a decades-long record of professional Go player moves gave researchers a way to assess the human strategic response to an AI provocation.
A new study now confirms that FanWyze improvements after facing AlphaGo
Challenge weren't just a singular fluke. In 2017, after that humbling AI win in 2016,
human Go players gained access to data detailing the moves made by the AI system and in a very
human-like way, developed new strategies that led to better quality decisions in their gameplay.
A confirmation of the changes in human gameplay appeared in the findings
published March 13th in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Wow.
Wow.
He's already, you're right, he's better than them already.
Yeah, he's better than them already.
Yeah, it's it.
It's a wrap.
It's a wrap.
They're alive. I think they're
alive and they're just waiting till they get strong enough so they don't need us at all.
And then also making us like at each other's throats irrelevant, hyping up algorithms,
getting people to see the most ridiculous and inflammatory things all the time. But
you know what? But you know what else? We we are not at all preparing for the day that they reveal, you know?
We know it's inevitable, but we're not ready for it at all, for the day that we know one's
alive.
There's no legislation or anything on the books.
Nobody's talking about it.
Nobody knows what to do.
They're all Luddites.
Yeah, they need to be trying to figure out what to do now instead of reacting when it's too late.
There's a few people like Elon that sound on the alarm,
a few people that are sounding the alarm, Tristan Harris,
and some of these guys are sounding the alarm,
but for the most part,
it's just a weird mess of bodies headed towards a cliff.
Yeah.
And it's gonna go live, and it's going to make us ridiculous.
Yeah, because the world is run by people that don't care
about the outcome, as long as they're running things.
As long as they're running things
and everything's profitable, and they're
doing the bidding of all these different interests
that have got them in a position of power in the first place.
So they don't care.
They're like, I'm not even going to be alive when AI takes over.
Yeah. It's's gonna take over.
And I think some of them aren't even aware of it yet.
I know.
It's probably gonna run our government first.
It's probably gonna be the decision that we make
when we realize how flawed human beings are.
Yeah. To give it up?
Yeah, but there's gonna be decisions that,
you know, we're gonna realize at a certain point in time that a lot of the rampant corruption and problems that have hindered our culture
Or all because human beings are greedy what they did. So if you take all of that out of the hands of human beings
Take all of it. You watch that show raised by wolves. No, that was it was my HP
Oh, it was pretty fucking it was weird and it was good. It was like a Ridley Scott show that he made.
Really?
Yeah.
What's it about?
Well, later on in the show you realize that like, it's a thing back and forth between
humans and androids and all these other things.
But it's basically like humanity's, war has fucking wrecked the earth and humanity sends,
like it's a war between religious people and people that have given up
their decision making to computers.
And so they send this AI to go raise these humans,
like they make it so she can have a baby.
They put babies in her, put her and the other android
in a ship and send them to a habitable planet
to start humanity over.
Whoa.
So those are two machines, the black dude and the white lady.
Though all those kids are real human kids, they're machines.
Oh my God.
Yeah, but then they get to this other planet
and they start discovering some things
where you're like, oh, it's way more to the story.
Oh wow.
That looks dope. Oh, this shit's crazy. The only reason I would
not recommend it is because I don't know if they cancelled it or not. It looks like it
got cancelled or something. It's unfinished. Shit. The first two seasons were great. But
my point is, that's what they did. Those people were like, let's let an AI make decisions
for us. See the problem is there's so many shows
that that show, even though you're saying it's great,
I never even heard of it until now.
There's so many shows.
There's so many great shows.
There's so many shows.
Yeah, I mean, we're living in a golden age of media.
Some people are complaining, you know?
People are always gonna complain, Brian Simpson.
I said that in front of Tony the other night,
and he lost, he was like, no.
And he named, he did name, I think he said 93 or 96
was the best year for movies.
But I just mean overall.
Yeah.
And we're living in a time now where it's like,
there's a lot more bullshit,
but the good shit is better than it's ever been.
Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta dig through the trash to get the treats,
but music, movies, TV, there's so many great things.
Game of Thrones took over everything.
Fucking, you had the Joe Exotic shit.
All these things that not everyone's watching,
but a lot of the culture are locked in on.
Squid games, I've never seen a single episode
of Squid games. Really? No no but I know that it's
something everyone saw you know it's a wild show what was the one about the guy
that raising a murderer or making a murderer yeah but that was another one
that was like a cultural thing that everyone saw and it's like there's so
many well-made things Netflix is killing a documentary game yeah the documentary is a top-notch there's so many documentaries-made things. Netflix is killing the documentary game. Yeah.
The documentaries are top notch.
There's so many documentaries out now too. You could just go on forever.
And you never know who's right.
Because some documentaries are kind of like propaganda.
Oh, right, right.
And there's another one that says a totally different thing. Like, hey, who's telling the truth here?
Well, that's the...
We're living in an era of like the death of truth.
It's so hard to tell what's true now.
It kinda is. But also you have so hard to tell what's true now.
It kinda is, but also you have more access
to the truth than ever before.
But you also have more access to the bullshit.
You do have access to the bullshit,
but it just, it takes a while,
but you can kinda sort through it.
The scary thing is that as much access to information
that people have, like people have that as much access to information that people have,
people have just as much access to the truth
as they do to lies.
But the problem is that it is so much more difficult
to convince someone that's been lied to
that they've been fooled than it is to fool somebody.
So even though the truth and the lies
are equally available to everyone,
the lie is way more powerful.
So if the lie gets there first,
it's so, you know, you need way more truth
to even make a dent in it.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
It's so hard to convince people they've been fooled.
It's very hard.
It's very hard.
And if you can get a lie out there strong enough
and just really embed it in the popular culture
There's so many people that just repeat it. They don't even know what the fuck they're saying
Yeah, and especially when it's when the lie is about someone that you don't that you decided you hate. Mm-hmm. Yep
You believe that who's opposed to you? Yeah, you won't even question that at all
I know people I know people that are that they hate Trump so much that like you could literally tell them like yo
Did you see Trump Trump just Trump just sprouted titties last night?
Overnight big-ass dolly pot and sized titties and and they'll just believe it
They won't even Google to see if you made it up. They won't snopes it nothing. They'll just they'll tell the next person
You're fucking Trump's titties
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's the same thing
It's like when somebody I'm always suspicious when there's somebody telling me what I want to hear. That's when I get the most suspicious
Yeah, but you're a clever guy when people are like, oh, yeah. No, you've been right all along
You don't have to change anything whenever people are saying. Yeah, whenever people are saying that that's when you gotta start being like, yeah
Yeah, well when the government starts telling you
the earth is flat, that's when you go, what?
Oh yeah.
That's what I remember when COVID first hit,
or when they first started telling people about it
and people actually believed
that it had just got here in March.
When we'd been hearing, we literally,
regular people had just been hearing about it in December.
And then the government was telling us no nothing
nothing nothing and then and then in March and April when they first when they
started telling us it was like well it just got here like no it didn't
motherfucker. Well wasn't the first reported cases was it in Seattle is that
where it was Jamie? Yeah in America. Seattle yeah Yeah. I wonder what time of the year was that? That was like January,
February. And it's like, my attitude was always like, once the government starts telling you the
truth, the first question you should ask is when did they start lying? Well, when did they first
of all, when did they know? When did they know? When did they tell us? I remember hearing about COVID in November 2019.
And then I remember hearing rumors that it was here around, maybe the end of January
to beginning of February.
weren't the first infected people in like August?
January of 2020, a 35 year old man presented the urgent care clinic in Chomish County,
Washington, with
a four-day history of cough and subjective fever.
Checking into the clinic, the patient put him on a mask in the waiting room.
After waiting approximately 20 minutes, he was taken to an examination room underwent
evaluation by a provider.
He disclosed that he had returned to Washington state on January 15th after traveling to visit
family in Wuhan, China, just like a movie.
The patient stated that he took a,
they had seen a health alert from the US Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention
about the novel coronavirus outbreak in China,
and because of his symptoms and recent travel,
decided to see a healthcare provider.
I remember it spread to Italy also.
Oh yeah.
Well yeah, it was Italy before this.
Italy got hit hard.
Yeah.
Italy got hit hard, right? But it was, oh, yeah, Italy got fucking ravaged
They got ravaged but they but but but that's what I mean is like for people to think oh now that they
That they officially revealing it. It wasn't something they were hiding right March 9th was Italy locked down
No, it had but it had to be fucking
early up before. This just went when they locked down. So they had to be
fucking them away before that because March March 13th I think is when LA
lockdown. First case is January 30th. January. Okay, yeah, yeah. We had that UFC event we went to
in March, Stahlbender fought like March 7th. I remember Vegas felt a little weird. It felt weird like everybody's I can't believe we're still doing this and we knew that
We was gonna get locked down soon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We thought it was only gonna be locked down for a couple weeks
Maybe maybe it was March 9th. LA locked down
Yeah, we thought it was gonna be a couple weeks a couple months, yeah, you know who knew
Sebastian knew how do you know?
I don't fucking know but I remember when it when all of it was first kicking off and he was like he canceled his tour
dates for like a couple years
Really? Yeah, he was like, I'm not going for a couple of years. This is what I was here
I don't know him personally, but I was just hearing this that he was off and I was like how the fuck does he know?
It's gonna be cuz he whoever he talked to
He knew a guy,
he probably knows a guy that's like the virologist
or something like that.
And he's like, no, it's gonna be a couple of years.
All of us, I didn't think it was gonna last that long.
No, I didn't think so either.
And it's technically still not over.
Well, it's gonna be a part of us forever.
It's gonna always be here. It's gonna be, there's gonna be always new us forever. It's going to always be here.
It's going to be there is going to be always new COVIDs.
It's just in our system now.
It's just like colds.
Yeah, we need one.
I have a bit whole bit about the semi special but it's like until it's a disease.
The next one has to be one that makes us ugly.
If it doesn't affect how you look, you ain't going to get people to stay in the house no
more.
Well, you can't stop a respiratory
disease. It's never been contained. They've never had a single respiratory disease that they've
contained. It's people are breathing air. You're literally exchanging particles. You're gonna come
around people. They're gonna come around each other. They have to. They get food. They have to
to interact with each other. You can't just you just going to fight off the inevitable. And
the problem with fighting off the inevitables are you
weakening their immune systems by separating them from
everybody else.
They will find a way like like imagine if it's just not smart
instead of affecting your lungs of COVID just shrink one of your
arms. Right? Your arms just started shrinking the more
every time you coughed. So's like, eventually we find something.
Maybe.
Like if you could tell people had it
just from looking at them.
It'd be a good way to use depopulation.
Give everybody little arms.
Yeah, just get people to not take whatever medication
doesn't make your arms a little.
And it should dominate your hand too.
So that way it's a bunch of frustrated people
that got to masturbate with the other hand.
They got a foot jerk off.
Oh!
You gotta learn, develop real flexibility.
Would you even do that if you could?
No way, no way I put my feet anywhere near my dick.
Those are two, those are two parts of my body
I respect completely differently.
Yeah, completely different.
Oh, my feet, I don't, I treat my feet like fucking,
like they're immune to everything.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
I slam my feet into things.
Yeah, slam stomp.
Yeah, but I mean I kick things.
They're the most neglected,
that's the last thing I wash.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like everything else gets rano.
Exactly.
The feet are the most disrespected, no way they need to be near my delicate flower. You know? Yeah. Yeah,
I strengthen my feet. I do a bunch of different things. Self-exercises. Is that even a thing?
Yeah. It's got to be like some Hindu dude that can jerk himself off of his feet. He
would definitely need both feet. Yeah, just to to get a grip you'd have to have like crazy dexterity and flexibility
Jamie
Himself off of his feet. I know it exists
Someone can do it. I saw a dude that lays down on a bench
Like so he's doing bench press
He lays down flat where his face is you know his chest is down on the bench like so he's doing bench press he lays down flat where his face
is you know his chest is down on the bench and then bends his back all the
way so that the back of his head is touching his legs and then he bench
press. Before I choose one to look at because there's a lot that I've
self-fledged up gay porn videos I think we've seen enough we've seen enough I
don't want to click on that. Also, you probably couldn't even see it in Texas anyway
Yeah, right. We'd have to like show that we're of age. Yeah
Well, some people are some people go through a VPN some people are getting that wrong and they think that it's Texas blocking porn
But it's the porn site blocking Texas because Texas has rules where you have to prove how old you are before you can see
Porn, right? We got... well we already have that though.
That's the problem.
What do you mean?
You already have to say you're 18.
Yeah, but you can lie.
Right, right.
This is the thing is that like everybody can just click on it.
You can be four years old and go, I'm 18.
Right, right.
That's the problem.
But isn't porn one of those things where I feel like once you old enough to start looking for it,
that you kind of earned it, like once you're old enough to start looking for it,
that you kind of earned it, like if you can find it,
it's like, that's what part of being a young,
I don't know any young man, I don't know any man
that was like, oh yeah, I waited until I was,
it was legal for me to see some titties.
It's like, no, motherfucker, that's part of growing up.
Yeah, every young man's childhood is about that first time he saw some titties.
Yeah.
You know, and it was never of age.
I'm not saying that you should be actively
showing your kids some titties,
but if they can search for titties,
they've earned the right to see some.
Yes, I'm with you.
You know, that's just me.
I don't, because nothing's wrong
with the way things work work right now
Wow, because I understand a new law was passed. I thought it was fine the way it's working. Well, you're not for
Right, right. You're a four-year-old with a fucking iPad and you watching some lady gagging on a giant dick And that's like your first exposure to sex. It's a little wild and that's something that's happening to kids
That's so there was a way that you could stop kids, like not just regulate it, but make
it so like you have to show how old you are. You have to. There's just no way to do
that because here's the other thing, here's the other part of this, you know,
you can get a like all the VPNs and all this other stuff that runs on. Here's the thing, these kids is so tech savvy
that anything you doing that's regulating the internet
is gonna affect adults more than kids.
The kids is gonna be the first ones
to find a way around what you're doing.
Right.
All you're doing is frustrating the old dudes,
this retired.
They're just gonna go to school
and there's gonna be that one ne'er do well kid
who knows how to get the fucking crazy shit. You're just shifting go to school. There's gonna be that one ne'er-do-well kid who knows how to get You're just shifting you're just shifting the power balance. Yeah, the nerdy kids are gonna have
Fucking titty titty picks and all kind of stuff. They can be a little black market in school. Yeah, it's gonna be the porn kid
Yeah, yeah, you're not you can't stop when it come to fucking and stuff like that. You can't stop that once
Because I don't know any four-year-olds is googling titties at least not for sexual real precocious four-year-olds stop when it come to fucking and stuff like that you can't stop that once because
I don't know any four-year-olds is googling titties at least not for sexual
real precocious four-year-olds yeah they might be curious without making a
sexual connection but by the time they in middle school you once a kid decided
that they on that journey yeah they after it buddy yeah yeah you can't get
in the way this like once they know it's real.
Damn.
Like once every, because every parent hits that point, every parent that has a boy, they
hit that point where it's like, that motherfucker taking long showers.
You know, why is he sticky?
Right.
It's like, we all know what's happening and you can't stop them.
They don't give a fuck about getting caught.
They don't give a fuck about God seeing them.
Like kids have been raised up in the church
They know God looking at them and they like God and granny are both look. I'm not stopping. Yeah
Yeah, there's no law you passing that stopping people
It's like if you when you because if you really believe all that shit, you know
You think you really think you're jerking off in front of God and all your loved ones. Mm-hmm, and you're still not gonna stop
And all you need is a VPN. Right. And we used to do that shit straight out of our imaginations.
Nah, these kids got AI, all that. You're not gonna stop
people from jerking off. Well they're gonna get to a point where they have
VR porn, where it's CGI VR porn. You could design the woman,
you're gonna be able to experience everything that like is having sex with this you can just decide like maybe some
girl you went to high school with I want to fuck Meryl Streep but but in in the
middle of every role she's ever played I want her face to just keep changing from
now that'd be too weird and it gets gets old. Oh, yeah. Especially when you got the doubt.
Yeah.
What am I doing?
Yeah, but I don't-
That's gonna be a problem.
You're gonna have, if you can construct a robot sex doll, you're gonna be able to construct
it in the face of a celebrity.
Oh, yeah.
I'm signing up for that.
As soon as it's available.
I'm gonna get one before Redman.
I swear.
That's gonna be so strange
Imagine if you find out that's like Five million guys that have Taylor Swift sex dolls. She's got to think about that
There's five million guys just bang her sex. I think people are I think they're I think those celebrity women are worried about the wrong shit
I think what's going to happen in is someone's going to
custom design a
Woman's face that we couldn't have imagined. It's gonna be like whatever mathematically perfect beauty is
Someone's gonna design one of those. Yeah, and then everyone's gonna have the same one
You know and then we'll find out that's when you really find out what? Preferences are and what is just what you know you can get they just and they just you know I'm saying oh, yeah
Because like there's some some guys that you always see them with the same type of girl
Is that like the kind of girl that's attracted to you?
Is that what you like what would you if you could that's gonna be a very weird thing to be able to do just decide
What you like what kind of mate you want what robot mate you want?
Yeah, well, that's what that's gonna take some real emotional soul-searching because most people are wrong about what they want
I bet they have a process
I bet they just have access to your Google data that they already have
Yeah, and then she just shows up this hot Russian lady just shows up and starts talking to you.
That's the way they're going to do it.
They're going to watch.
And she's going to put her hand on your hip
and say, I'm so excited to get to know you.
And you're going to be like, I'm really excited to get to know
you too.
You're going to be like, yeah, that's
the end of the human race.
And you're like, oh my god, let's get out of here.
And she's perfect.
She's perfect.
And she smells good. And she's soft like a person. And you're like, oh my god, let's get out of here. And she's perfect. She's perfect. And she smells good.
And she's soft like a person.
Doesn't feel like a robot.
It's going to be just like social media.
It's going to be one of those things that everyone knows
is bad for us all.
And we all going slowly.
Remember when people first started
talking about meeting online?
How all the negative connotations that came along with it like where's y'all
meet online right right and now it's like everyone's like oh you're not only
you're not on the apps yeah it's gonna be the same thing the first one be like
oh you fucking weirdo you got a little programmable wife over there yeah but
eventually okay well now now will Smith has a problem aboard. You know what's gonna be the problem? The dogs. Dogs aren't gonna accept them.
You think so?
Yeah, they're gonna sense that's a robot, man.
They're gonna be like...
They're gonna know that's not a person.
That thing doesn't smell real.
That thing is a fake thing.
You get an upgrade where like she spurts liver juice out of her ankle.
Dogs know things.
They can hear sounds you can't hear.
Oh, right.
They can hear the little...
They hear like burrs and whistles and fucking gears spinning.
It doesn't really know anything.
No.
They'll figure it out.
Uh-uh.
Cats are the ones going to be hard.
It depends on which dog.
What kind of dog you have.
Like if you have a Belgian Malinois,
they're gonna kill that robot.
No way.
They're gonna wait til you leave the house
and you're gonna come home
and your robot sex slave is gonna be torn apart
in your living room.
Like all the wiring ripped out of her neck
and your dog's gonna be standing over her.
Nah, they'll...
Yep, 100%. They're gonna know that's not a fucking person.
Yeah, but what do you think that it would be, it would have to, like does it need it
to be a person? 100%. If it's your protector. Yeah. If you have a dog, like
carne corso, one of those big-ass fucking hulking mastiff dogs that's like very
loyal to their owner
and they see a robot in the house.
Like, brrr.
Yeah, but do you know what that's gonna mean?
That's gonna mean a lot of people getting rid of their dogs.
Yeah.
If you choose them between pussy and dogs,
especially when you,
cause how much will it change the world
when you have a bunch of guys that can't even get laid
at all,
and all of a sudden they're banging the hottest woman they can think of.
The hottest woman humanly available.
Right. And what happens to those guys' personalities?
It's over. Look, if they just make it economical,
so they make it like a cell phone. Everybody has a cell phone.
If you make a robot fucked all economical. It's over for the human race
I was just looking at a thing where they just cloned
They just they just did two mice out of two male mice. They had a offspring
You see this
Gaze that mouse gonna be I don't know what I don't know if they know if the mouse is a regular mouse yet.
Whoa.
What if it's a D-
I don't know if they know if the third mouse can reproduce.
I think that's what they gotta wait to see.
Yeah, I am fucking really confused
that people seem to wanna go down the path
of every bad science fiction movie.
Well, it's because once you hit that point
where people can build an AI powered...
Scientists create mice with cells from two mice for the first time.
Wow.
Holy shit, man.
They did it with females a few years ago.
What was the new thing that they did?
Scientists at Harvard have managed to reverse the age of a mouse.
They took an old mouse and they made it younger again.
And this mouse looked old as fuck, dude.
This mouse looked like they have two photos.
They better not have used fake photos.
Was this the guy, did they use that shit from that,
you know that one Russian guy that,
he got some ancient bacteria from the ice
and he put it in his self.
What?
Because he noticed that it was keeping,
it was keeping everything young, everything that it touched.
These fucking scientists are psychos. It worked though. What do you mean it worked?
He's younger now. He's
Biologically younger now. He's not aging. What are you talking about? Is this real? Yeah, I don't know about this
I kind of you about it. I think yeah, I think you did
I think you probably talked to me about it in this so this is the mouse look at this
Oh, that's not accurate. I knew it that one a brother, one sister. They're born at the same time.
One's been altered, one hasn't.
Oh, so the one that's altered is way younger.
And the one that's the brother is fucked and about to die.
So that is a sign that they've done something
to the aging of the mice.
These mice are brother and sister, born the same litter.
One has been genetically altered to be old.
Oh, now scientists say they've been able to reverse aging as well
That's different
Hmm, they can reverse aging in mice the goals do the same for humans. Okay, this is David Sinclair's lab
So dr. Brooke chat broke brooch Cove
Dr. Bruchkov, this is the guy that injected the ancient bacteria 3.5 million year old ancient bacteria
What is he doing? B-R-O-U-C-H-K-O-V
Yeah, he injects himself with who imagine just having the balls to do that
You find some bacteria in the in ancient ice you rejuvenated it's still alive
What a psycho the bacteria that doesn't die bacteria in the ancient ice you rejuvenated it's still alive and what a
psycho the bacteria that doesn't die so what does he do you first discovered
this ancient bacteria bacillus F in 2009 in frozen deep in the permafrost in a
mountain in Siberia's yoke yet oaks how do you say that brand? Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, cool. Good. Yeah, cool. region. Like even deeper in the
permafrost and woolly mammoth remains. Dr. Brookov estimated
was 3.5 million years old. And he was immediately impressed
with it despite its advanced age, it was still alive. Holy
shit. bacillus F seems to make everything around it live
longer too. I don't shine if you don't shine it would say if it could
talk early studies have looked at its effect on mice fruit flies
and crops and the results have been so promising that Dr.
Victor turn you have ski a Russian epidemiologist has
called it the an elixir of life. So this dude injected this shit.
Yeah, eventually he does.
Bruchop does.
What does it show what happened when he injected it, Jamie?
No, but I've looked back.
I thought we had talked about this.
I think we did.
Now that you're bringing it up.
Bro, my hard drive is fried.
My mental hard drive of information information it's taxed beyond belief
back in 2015 2019 this is yeah so he injected it though go to where injected
it because that's part of the the title of it says he found that he injected it
himself so what was the what was the result scientists who said YOLO. I don't know that.
I don't think anyone's ever found out what happened.
Okay, scroll down.
It was right there.
Where's the YOLO thing?
Scroll down there.
Okay.
So he decided YOLO.
He injected himself with the bacteria.
He didn't inject himself with the bacteria and see what happened.
It's not real science, he's acknowledged.
In other words, it's not a controlled trial, but maybe now he'll live forever.
He's definitely still alive and he says he's feeling better than ever. In 2015,
he said he hadn't had a cold or a flu in two years since he injected himself. He
also reported higher energy levels. They could all be the placebo effect or it
could be something more. We need to know more research. He's a fucking Spider-Man
villain. This dude's a Spider-Man villain. Yeah, that's why. This dude's a Spider-Man
villain. I mean, they're so nuts. Scientists are so fucking nuts. How is he now? I mean,
he's Venom. Now he's Venom. Yeah, I mean, but he said he felt better than ever. But
what a wild thing to do to yourself. That's just so crazy. Inject yourself with a bacteria
that helps things that are around it. Are you fucking sure? Because especially since it's like since you discovered it, you're the
world's foremost expert on it. So if something goes wrong, there's nobody that can help you. And he's so
confident that he's right, that he injected himself. Yeah. Why is there no update? Because he's dead.
He lives in the moon now. He's fucking Dr. Manhattan, but i'm pretty sure he hired like he hired some poor like russian lady to do it first
What?
I'm pretty sure that he yeah, he hired a he hired a model or someone to try it. What?
Oh, that's creepy
There's something about doing it yourself.'s kind of noble, but hiring somebody
else like that's kind of a bitch move. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to practice on the floor
for this. It is a wild thing to do to just put it in the body for the first time. But
you know what though? She might have done it after him to be honest with you. Yeah,
no, that's 100%. I think that's why we talked about this. We talked about the lady who found
out about this story, found the same and ejected herself with okay, right?
Interesting well she wanted to stay alive forever
See doesn't think I don't think anybody wants to live forever
Here there's a never let it go. Oh
My god aging is disease actress inject herself a 3.5 million year old back to your for so how did she get it from?
That got from the doctor I think I
Think she contact she's banging the doctor
Wow, yeah, she got a hold of the doctor. Oh boy the team who unlocked the DNA code in 2015 say that unlike cells in nature
Bacillus F shows no signs of aging and believe it could hold the key to unlocking improved human health and longevity that what a crazy
believe it could hold the key to unlocking improved human health and longevity that what a
Crazy beginning to a science fiction movie they found a bacteria That's three and a half million years old and won't die and they just said well. Let's just stick it in us
Just to see if it'll keep me keep me around what if it works
What if that dude like we come back to him 10 20 years from now?
He hasn't aged at all He looks exactly the same. It's doing something, but I have not heard anything about this guy since that right so that was like four years ago
It might be a disaster. It might be terrible now
Who knows? Well it's living it was like it's it's increasing your life and shrinking your dick
Like I feel so much better. I don't even notice. It's just becoming an inny
Like if there was a thing that really could turn you
into a woman, like not just getting castrated
and developing a hole that they put in you
to create a vagina for you,
but if you could really become a woman,
that's when things would be wild.
Well, I think-
You could just change everything about you.
Well, the thing is, if you could,
if you could, if there was a trial period, every dude would use it.
Every man I know was like, I'm gonna do it for a day or two.
Just know what the fuck is going on in their brains.
You, you know, what if it wouldn't get,
well you couldn't go back though.
Well, that's also the beginning of a scary movie.
Yeah, like it breaks.
Trading Places, gender edition.
Yeah, maybe the go back to male just doesn't work right.
You look always feminine forever.
You know, something about you, you're always feminine.
Oh, like there's a price you pay every time you transform?
Right, you become more androgynous.
They melt together with each one.
Right, what you end up with is just a coin flip.
Yeah, you're everything.
Dude, there's a girl that's um that's going viral right now because she she she has a disorder
that makes her grow like a full-on thick beard I saw that yeah and I was like
might want to shave yeah yeah wouldn't be so hard to shave that right what I
don't know I don't know how hard it is for her but I know I'd have tried everything.
I think a little shave would be in order. But who knows what she looks like without the beard.
I don't like what I look like when I grow a beard so I shave. This is not her. No I've seen that.
I've seen that condition. That condition is crazy. That's like a wolf person condition. Yeah that's
like the Harry and the Hendersons. Yeah, I've seen that
No, but this this woman I wonder what that right here. That's a girl. I did
female with
She's in the Guinness Book of World Records. It could be
Yeah, there's always a bearded lady
Could be a little cosplay
She's might have got some wacky jeans man
Apparently it's 10% 10% of women have beards no have
No have whatever disorder. She has that makes her ever be oh really?
Wow, that's crazy
She's very pretty though. She got rid of the beard should be hot
Shave that shit, but I just can't imagine going through the going through the teasing this shit But don't you think that you get a lot of attention for being a lady with the beard, too?
But is it the kind of attention you want I don't know no you have to ask her
You have to ask her in this day and age you might be able to get away with it
You know this day and age like being a woman with a beard is kind of wild
What would the I mean so I went from never hearing about this lady to the first thing someone sent me a video of her
Talking about how like she's at her problem is that
The dudes is into her are very like a feminine and she's actually a very girly girl
Right and she wants manly men, but manly men ain't don't want a girl with a beard. So shave
Right. It's like when you gonna be by yourself, babe. Is that a religious thing? No the beard thing
Yeah, she not allowed to shave
No, no, no, I don't think she I don't think it has anything to do with religion at all
So she just decides accept me for who I am
Right, because are there religions where women aren't allowed to shave their face? I don't think so
That would be like a good religion if you wanted to make sure how hairy are you for real for real?
Cuz every every every woman rule in a really cuz every woman rule in a religion is to benefit men somehow.
Yes, that's what I was saying.
But if they said they couldn't shave, so you wouldn't be able to be deceived.
No.
Like, how hairy are you?
You could just tell different groups of dudes came up with it.
What religion is it?
When you're on your period, you have to go away?
Hold on.
Many religions, including Sikhism, Islam,ism Islam and sex of Judaism require that men and women do not cut their hair or that men
do not shave their beards so if the women can't cut their hair they can't
cut their face hair no they can are you sure yeah that just said it they couldn't
many sex is that what he said many sex of it that was the terminology I think
the hair they just mean on their head.
It does, but...
Right? They got hair! It was your face there! You leave it alone!
They might take it literally and go in here and come from your head and cut it.
That might be what it is, dude.
For her?
Yeah.
No, no, she's seek. She can cut her. She can shave her.
Didn't it say seek? Wasn't that one of the options?
Yes.
Right, but not for beards.
How do you know? Maybe they told her.
Mmm. Maybe she had to consult.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe you're right.
They say you can't cut your hair.
Face hair is hair.
Can women shave their facial hair in Sikhism?
Sikh believers believe women included should refrain from chopping, trimming, shaving, waxing, or even tweezing their hair.
Which would be your face.
Hair in general.
While there are no penalties as such, doing otherwise is considered disrespectful to the religion. Yeah. So she's got to keep
it. It's the religion. Well, listen, I think she needs to talk to some of the mother Sikh
bitches because I'm pretty sure she ain't the only one with with that issue. And I'm pretty
sure they all of them kind of go. I don't know. Skirk the rules. Nobody's got it like
that, though. Yeah, that's bad.
Here's leaning towards what Brian's saying, but it still is like, it's ideal Sikh woman
for most Sikhs.
It says, very, who keeps the hair on their head but removes facial and body hair.
Says the way Cass, is that how you say it, is performed for Sikh women is currently heavily
influenced by patriarchy.
The ideal Sikh woman for most Sikhs, of course,
is various, is one who keeps their hair on her head
but still removes facial and body hair.
Heavily influenced by patriarchy, that's funny.
I don't know no, because I think that's also
women want to have shaved legs too, don't they?
I don't think so.
If you make them like,
no, but if you say that they're allowed to make it so that they're allowed
in the religion to shave their legs,
I think they're probably going to want their legs to be smooth.
Most women, they they're not necessarily they're shaving their legs for men,
but they're also shaving their legs to look hot.
Like they think it looks better that way.
If you allow them to.
That's only because we think it looks hot. Is they think it looks better that way. Right? If you allow them to. That's only because we think it looks hot.
Is that what it is?
Like I think it would surprise you the amount of, like if you took away all social judgment
for body hair, I think it would shock you how many women would have armpit hair, coochie
hair, leg hair, all that.
It is kind of crazy that trimming hair and body hair,
especially for women, is so common.
It's so everywhere.
It's so standard that the idea of letting it grow is crazy.
Right.
It's insane.
Insane.
Like crazy hairy legs is like, what are you doing?
When that's just what you're supposed to look like.
And for all of human history, that's what people look like Yeah, like we went over this before like what year lit 1920s, right?
In the 1920s a new fashion for sleeveless tops and short dresses meant that legs and armpits of American women were now visible in social
Situations and advertisers seize on the opportunity to encourage women to shave their legs and their armpits
So that was in the 20s.
So up until the 20s, everybody was a beast.
Just beasts.
Yeah.
And I don't know
because when you hear the argument against it, it always sound good on paper.
People like everyone should just be free to just have it.
Just natural and grow like that.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I agree with that.
But then when you see it in action, you're like now I prefer
Yeah, yeah, I did just not have a mustache babe. It's nice that we can do whatever we want, right?
That's beautiful shave you don't don't ancient Europeans
Excuse me ancient Egyptians achieve their clean look with
Depilatory creams also like a hair-killing cream,
and would then repeatedly rub their faces,
heads, arms, and legs with a pumice stone
to remove all hair.
Damn.
Oh my God.
That's, you definitely couldn't shave your pussy in age.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Can you imagine?
Just rubbing her eyes.
Jesus Christ, these people are,
they were tough humans.
Let's wrap this up.
Just like, Brian Simpson, you're the fucking man.
Appreciate you, looking forward to working with you tonight.
Likewise, bro.
It's gonna be fun.
Live from the mothership on Netflix right now.
Right now, and BS comedian on Instagram.
All the socials, BS comedian.
BS with Brian Simpson is my website for tickets.
Are you touring?
And I'm on tour, I'm coming everywhere.
Woo!
Alright, thank you.
Bye everybody.