The Joe Rogan Experience - #2144 - Chris Distefano
Episode Date: May 2, 2024Chris DiStefano is a stand-up comic and the host of "Chrissy Chaos" and "Christories." He also co-hosts "Hey Babe!" alongside Sal Vulcano. His latest special, "Speshy Weshy," is available to stream ...on Netflix. www.chrisdcomedy.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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I never know what's going on with you.
This is like an act or if this is part of the fun of being Chrissy D.
I mean, no.
Well, Chrissy D was all fun and games.
Was third person.
Now we're coming into a part. Well, Chrissy Dee was all fun and games. Was. Was. Third person.
Now, we're coming into a part, two major things have happened here.
Okay, one, I've refound my love for Christ, and I'm back believing, I'm back being Catholic.
I'm back in.
Nice.
Got two feet in Catholicism.
Okay.
We're back, baby.
And then the other thing is, is I made, I, six months ago, I had this beautiful house,
Staten Island, right?
Everything we wanted, sold the house,
because I was having anxiety about doing a show
at Radio City, swear to God,
my brain couldn't process it that way,
but through therapy, the therapist figured out, and it's right,
because I checked on this with my girlfriend,
and she was like, that's exactly what you did.
Got, was very nervous about Radio City,
didn't know where to put that energy,
because it was a big show on the New York Eye,
biggest weekend of my life.
So I said, about two weeks before Radio City,
came home, I said, we're putting up the house for sale,
I wanna be able to walk to a bagel store.
We can't walk to a bagel store at this house
on Staten Island.
I need that for my creative process.
And my girl was like, what are you doing?
We just renovated our kitchen, delivered,
we just, you just poured money into, this is our home.
I was like, I can't walk to a bagel store
and it's gonna fuck my comedy up.
It will.
And she, yeah.
And then, you know, if people,
if you knew my address back then,
you would know that there was a bagel store
point nine miles away that I didn't know about, but.
But you had a dream house.
I had a dream house that we put to our liking.
And I said, I couldn't, didn't understand it then.
I said, we're selling the house.
And I convinced my family,
cause that's what we can do, write us comics.
I convinced them, I had them buy this story, convinced my girl, my family, what's going
to be better for us is to sell this five bedroom house, here's the move, we're going to sell
this five bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price, we're going to get out
of this puppy, we're going to sell that, we're going to move to Queens where we can walk
to stuff and bagel stores and be in civilization. We're going to temporarily live in a two-bedroom apartment and then we're
eventually going to move into a condo and life's going to be better because I won't
have to care for these grounds anymore. I won't have to throw out the garbage. We'll
be safe in an apartment. People can come in the back window of our home, and this will be the move."
And I did that, and then the apartment that we had lined up fell through. We left the apartment
we were living in because it had roaches. Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like,
I can't be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage anymore. And I had to kind of really just say,
what the hell did I just do?
Figure this problem out, went back into therapy, turned back into religion, starting to find some answers,
and now we're living in a home that we're renting,
that we like, and we're kind of settling in,
but that I learned the lesson of self-sabotage
the hard way, the hardest, it's weird.
What's going on in my career right now,
selling the most tickets I ever had,
financially the best I've ever done,
getting all these opportunities,
was the worst version of me as a human being.
Not because I was just self-sabotaging
after self-sabotaging and I didn't know why.
Do you have friends that you could talk to about this stuff?
Yeah, but they're, you know, not, they call me gay.
You know what I mean?
Like they're old school New York guys that are like,
I don't fucking know dude, get a therapist.
And I'm like, well, yeah, I, I, I, what I had to do,
what I, I, I really felt like nobody could really
help me with this.
I was like, I gotta just turn to professional therapist.
And then I go into, and then I turned to back to going to church. And I was like, well, and then I go into, and then I turn back to going to church.
And I was like, well, at least I have like,
if anything for me, church is just an hour a week
to just meditate and sit there, and I have nothing,
I have no thoughts, I have no technology.
I'm like, it's just me and whoever I think God is.
That's how I feel about it.
But that chaos stuff, you know,
cause people always, you know, Chrissy Chaos,
I was actually living in it. And I was like, okay, now what I've done, now I've like hurt my family. Now I've now I've done a thing that's like not funny. Now I've like taken things from my kids,
because I thought my kids would be like, Oh, yeah, dad, like, like my eight year old, we had that,
you know, this moment that kids are just kids. I'm like, telling him like, isn't this great, baby,
like, we can walk to the bagel store now.
We can go to the park.
We're not like living off the side of a highway.
And she was like, well, I love that we had a pool.
And I was like, yeah, but isn't it better
that we can, you know, don't have a pool now
and we can go to like the pool club?
And she was like, you know, no.
She was like, honestly, she was like, we did it for you.
So I'm happy that you're happy, but I miss my friends. And then I was like, oh, she was like, we did it for you, so I'm happy that you're happy,
but I miss my friends.
And then I was like, oh my God, what the fuck did I do?
So I kind of have been like backtracking
as much as I can, little by little,
to try to like, re-correct these mistakes.
And now my family is more on board.
Now my family's like, hey, we're with you,
we're with you, but we gotta figure this out. So now we're settled, finally, we're with you, we're with you, but we got to figure this out.
So now we're settled finally in a place and we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood
we're living in as time has went on.
And my kids are finding friends and all that and I'm not going to take that from them.
I'm not going to be like, well, wherever we are now, we're going to stay for years so they can build the bonds
and the friendships that they need
that I inadvertently took away from them
without me even realizing.
Can I have those edibles?
So this anxiety ramped up when success ramped up.
Yes.
So here I sound like a therapist here.
Is it because you're worried it's
going to go away?
Is that the anxiety?
Like, what is the anxiety?
No.
What is the fear?
No, it wasn't any of that.
It was, it was, I believe, I have confidence.
I believe that I'm in this business, I can do it.
And I believe that like we're all together now, especially how comedy is now.
I feel like we're all like this big brother, sisterhood. We'll help each other.
If one of us is falling, we got each other.
I believe in that.
But I think that the actual anxiety of the day of, again, being a New York guy, one night
Radio City, the next night the theater at MSG, for me a lot of tickets, 10,000 plus
tickets, that's huge for me. I was like, how am I gonna balance all this?
What if I don't do well?
What if, what if, what if one of these 10,000 people
realizes that I'm, thinks that I'm some kind of fraud,
thinks that like, hey, you know.
But one is going to.
Right. Always.
Right.
There's always people that are gonna find
some negative thing in anything. So now, now I've gotten to that point to. Right. Always. Right. There's always people that are going to find some negative thing in anything.
So now, now I've gotten to that point to accept that I'm wildly different, not wildly different,
but I'm much better now than I was in September when all this stuff was going on because I've
just kind of accepted that I don't really have control of what others think.
Maybe you need a thing other than just comedy that you do
that's not like career oriented, like a hobby, like some kind of other interest that you
really enjoy that you could focus on. So what I did, I'm getting, I'm trans people, is that
what it is? Yes, trans feet. I'm really into wiki feed for specifically trans women. And
so, no, what I think is, well, what I've done,
because I haven't gotten to the hobby yet,
what I've done is I've really,
I thought I was always focused on my kids,
always being a father is everything to me,
but I said, what you just said,
I said I'm gonna really just focus on being a dad,
being home, coming off the road a little bit,
just temporarily doing my thing in New York, keeping my, coming off the road a little bit, just temporarily
doing my thing in New York, keeping my podcast going, keeping my name out there, but not
going on this national tour, getting away from that.
For now, I've shot a special.
It's going to come out at the end of the year.
I'm like, be home.
Be with the kids.
Be picking them up.
Be at the park with them.
Focus on, like, give yourself a schedule.
I'm a comedian from nine to five,
and then, or nine to three when you pick up your,
and then when you pick up your kids, just for now,
you just be with them, and then, and that's really helped.
And now, like last night I was at your club,
which is awesome, I was at your club,
and that was the first time I was on stage
in about six weeks since I shot the special.
Oh really?
And I felt so, I did some of the same material
that I was, because I'd been writing,
but I was like, I don't want to try a brand new thing right so, I did some of the same material that I was, because I'd been writing, but I was like,
I don't want to try a brand new thing right here.
I did one new thing, but I was like, oh wow,
I felt like that little mental experiment helped me.
Like I was so excited to be on stage again.
I've found like reconnected.
And you, something that you do that I noticed last night,
and I was like, huh, you, you know, how much,
there's really nothing more you can do in comedy, right?
I mean, you've done everything.
The biggest you can get is you've achieved,
which is beautiful, but I still saw you yesterday
obsessing over your hour and thinking about like,
how do I make that joke better,
which is why you've gotten here.
And I've had that question in my head yesterday,
I got back to the hotel, I was like, do I have that?
Do I, is it okay that I don't have it like Joe?
Does that mean I'm gonna not be successful?
Does that mean I, does that kind of,
are we all just different?
Because I love comedy, but I was like, I don't know.
Like I just shot a special and was like,
you know what, I need some time off
where I don't know that you've ever done that, right?
I mean, you've never taken a big break from standup.
Well, I took a big break during COVID.
Right, but other than that, you've always been like,
you have a love and a passion that's,
you're not worried about,
like you never looking at your watch being like,
is an hour up yet?
When you're podcast, you never being like,
I gotta get an hour.
You just flow, you're just free in the moment,
flowing with passion, which is very admirable.
And I look at that sometimes and I question myself, or I'm like, do do I have that I know I've been relatively successful in this and I do love it
But I'm like do I have that I wonder if therapy is not a good thing for a person like you
Okay, why do you think because I've never heard that I wonder if like obsessing about your problems makes your problems bigger
Mm-hmm, and that maybe you just need another thing to focus on that maybe alleviates anxiety,
like some kind of a hardcore workout thing?
Okay.
Do you work out?
Yes.
What do you do?
Well, yesterday I did hot yoga.
That's great.
Yeah, just because I was on the plane,
wanted to do the hot yoga, drip and sweat.
That's a great thing to do.
It was crazy.
And then today, today I ran two miles and
then I did with 30 pound dumbbells I did one burpee one press ten times ramped
that up to five so you know went all the way up to one two three four so it was a
lot a lot of burpees with that then I did farmers carries ball slams thing I
was dripping in sweat I was trying to do that. Started taking-
Does that help you?
It does.
I always feel after a workout, great.
Cause I was an athlete.
I played basketball my entire life.
To the point where my friends from home are like,
you never mentioned basketball
and that's the thing you were known as in the neighborhood.
Everybody knew you as basketball.
They used to call me Gums cause I have big gums.
So they would call me Gums,
but they would call me Dirk, you know, little Dirk. Like basketball me Gums, because I have big gums. So they would call me Gums, but they would call me Dirk,
little Dirk.
Like basketball was my whole life.
You have big gums?
See how they're kind of big?
No, you're doing that.
I could do that too.
No, I know.
But when I smile, like they're just, I have gingivitis.
Let me see you smile.
No, they seem pretty fucking normal.
No, they think you're thinking too much.
Well, they used to.
They really do.
Yeah.
I mean, well, no, they used to call me gums.
I mean, I used to.
Those people were rude.
I've had the same size head and teeth since I'm seven.
So I've always looked kind of weird.
So your head grew into your teeth?
Yeah, I just was born with this big fat head and big teeth.
But they, so basketball was an obsession.
Then physical therapy, getting my doctorate degree
was an obsession.
And then comedy became an obsession.
And I think I have this thing in my head where I know I have to stay in the present
But sometimes I can't help it where I'm like well
Is this your obsession ending now and you're gonna find another obsession? Yeah, it's the thinking about the negative
Possibilities right that are dangerous, right?
You know like I think Elon put posted this on Twitter that
Having anxiety is literally like having a conspiracy theory against yourself
Got it
That's pretty yeah, that's I didn't see that because you're like
Thinking oh my god. What if this all falls apart right? So you're dwelling on that, but it's we it's not falling apart
I that's the thing which is what I don't understand which is weird because yeah, cuz I feel confident
I don't feel like I don't feel like help me I feel confident. I don't feel like, I don't feel like help me.
I feel like I can, I can figure anything out.
Right.
I'm a, I'm a biological male.
Do you think that maybe the worrying
that it's going to fall apart is what keeps you on track?
Cause you're like, I can't let it fall apart.
You know, I have a family.
I have a lot of responsibilities.
I have to, I have to keep killing.
I have to keep doing great.
Right, yeah, it feels, specifically, yeah.
I feel like if I, I do feel like it's all on me
with my family.
Nobody else in my family works
and I take care of multiple family members,
which I'm proud to do.
I don't feel like that's a burden.
I feel like this is great.
This makes me feel, at times when I feel emasculated,
that's something that makes me feel masculine.
You know, when I'm like,
oh, I don't know how to build anything.
And I'm, you know, I got my girlfriend here
putting up sheetrock and I'm like,
I can build fucking walls emotionally.
I don't know how to do anything else.
Other than that, I was like, at least I can,
at least I feel like, you know what?
I can take care of this family.
Like you rely on me for that.
And I guess there is something in comedy,
I guess because it's not like a day job, a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks,
maybe that seeps in.
But it's weird because I've always been confident
in anything I do.
I've always felt like my father would tell me
from when I was a little kid, you control your part.
You control the output, not the outcome.
He said that to me a million times.
You control your output, not your outcome. Just control your output, not the outcome. You said that to me a million times. You control your output, not your outcome.
Just control your output.
And the outcome is irrelevant.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
I don't care about that.
How are you playing?
And so I feel like I control my output as best I can, but yet then I sit with these
thoughts kind of, you know, they eat at me sometimes, you know?
But and then maybe it comes out in weird ways where I'm like, well, I'll just sell my house
or I'll, you know, I have a grid family thing right now, but maybe I'll, you know, maybe
I'll fall in love with the actress from Baby Reindeer.
I don't know.
Did you ever talk to anybody before you sold your house?
I talked to one of your friends.
I was able to convince all of them that it was the right move.
And you couldn't have convinced me.
I wish I got on the phone with you.
I know.
I wish you and I got got rid of a great mortgage rate.
I really fucked up.
So, but I... But I take... I mean, I had three...
So silly.
I had like free money from the bank.
I really fucked up.
But I'm aware of that, and I'm kind of saying along these lines, I really fucked up.
I do believe I've learned a lesson.
I do believe that I would never do that again, and I do believe it wasn't fatal for us,
but I was like, I really, like, I've never been that guy.
I would manufacture problems in my brain.
I would say, oh, you know, this is an issue,
but it's minor, it's not, it's self-obsessed,
narcissistic, like, disgusting, like, Chris,
get over yourself, self-obsessed bullshit,
get over yourself, and I would do that, and then kind of tell myself, like,, get over yourself. Self-obsessed bullshit, get over yourself. And I would do that and then kind of tell myself,
you're being gross, stop Chris.
Your family, you have a pain in your big toe,
it's not brain cancer, shut up.
And your family needs you.
And then, so I would do that,
but then I actually did give myself a big problem.
I had two major problems.
I had this house sale and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy, like crazy, crazy, crazy,
where I was like, this is now a nightmare. This has become an issue. So I'm like,
now for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, you, you, one self-induced,
one not, and you've created, now how do you deal with this? How do you think you created the problem
with your family member acting crazy?
Because I enabled them.
Specifically, how'd you do that?
Well, because I was giving them money.
I was not aware that an issue was going on.
I was kinda giving them-
A drug issue?
Yes, and I was allowing them to do things and say things, and I was just like, this
is fun, it's chaos, baby.
And then not realizing, hey man, you're affecting way more, you're going to be the head of this
family than be the head of this family.
They're going to follow your lead, and your lead right now, no matter how much you tell
yourself, I don't do drugs, I don't drink too much, I'm stable, you're not buddy.
Like you have to put your feet down right now
and your family's, my eight year old is,
she's old enough now to somebody in her class
will be like, oh, your dad's the comic,
he's pretty filthy, right?
So my daughter's now is at an age where she's,
I've never mentioned them,
nobody knows what they look like, I'm not that, but I'm like, oh, there's responsibilities now,
there's repercussions for things we're doing now. My kids, they're not little anymore. My 13 year
old, I have 13, eight and two, my two year old is obviously a baby, but 13 and eight, you're going
to have to now really, really, really get your shit together. And I think that was scary because
nobody really
in my family, no male figures at least,
even though my father's a great man,
nobody really got their shit together, right?
I was like, I'm the only one who went to college.
I'm the only one who pursued anything.
I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know?
So even though I sold it immediately.
So.
How long did you have it for?
About two years.
And I sold it for way under, my neighbor who I did and consult with was
like why, if you wanted to move, fine.
I get it, Staten Island is not for everybody even though I love Staten Island.
But you ruined the property values.
He was like yes, he was like what the fuck and he was like you sold it, who the fuck
did you sell this to and you sold it for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than it was worth.
Why did you do that?
Because I just wanted to get out.
I just wanted to move.
So you just accepted the first offer?
Yes.
I just needed action.
My father was a, like his marriage with my mother got ruined because he was a hardcore
gambler.
Hardcore gambler's anonymous.
That's a scary disease.
Yes.
Gamble.
And my father told me, even before I started doing this, my father was always like, do
not gamble, okay?
If I ever see you learning card tricks, if I ever see you knowing what gambling on sports,
any of that, you're really going to upset me.
And this is the only demand I have of you, is do not gamble.
And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble.
I don't even know what the point spreads and the VIGs.
I don't know what any of that means.
Cause my, and card games, you could put cards in front of me.
I have no idea what's happening.
People talk about, you know, parlay bets.
I have no idea what's happening.
I don't know what, it's a foreign language to me
because of, I was like, I'm going to do that.
But what I've realized now is, well, of course I'm gambling still.
I'm just not playing card games and betting.
You're just taking risks with your life.
I might be taking bigger risks with my life than he could because now he was gambling.
Yes, he lost his marriage to my mom, which sucks, but whatever.
He gambled.
Some guys wanted to kill him because he owed money. Got taken care of and then he went to gamblers anonymous and at least he was like, whatever, you gambled, you know, some guys wanted to kill him because he owed money,
got taken care of, and then he went to Gambler's Anonymous,
and at least he was like,
well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore,
and I respect my dad for that, he got out of it.
But I'm like, man, I was going down this path where like,
how many more decisions was I gonna make?
How many more times was I gonna gamble?
Because I was like, I didn't realize,
and this last nine months, I was like,
wow, dude, you really fucking are looking it in the face now.
Like, these decisions, I mean, dude,
when your eight-year-old looks at you,
like, what the fuck did you do?
That's all, you know, your mom and dad can tell you shit,
even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit,
which I all love and respect,
but your daughter is like, what did you do why did you do
this to us right you kind of have this major wake-up call where I was like yeah
when I moved here I was very lucky that my kids wanted to move here right right
it was lucky during the time that we moved there was a real clear reason
because Ellie was fucked right but and they love it here so I'm happy but if
they didn't I'd feel fucking terrible And if I had sold the house like that,
especially if there's a real bagel store
.9 miles away.
.9 miles away.
Shout out Manor Bagels on Stano.
They had excellent bagels.
Shout them out.
You just didn't know?
I didn't know until I sold it.
Maybe you could buy back into the neighborhood.
I know, well that's funny.
My girl was like, do you think we can contact
the people who bought our home?
And buy it back?
And buy it back even though it's twice the mortgage rate
You'll have to pay more money like it would make us happy and I reached out to him and he was like no
He can't do it and it's funny. I sold it to you know Staten Island's like a funny
It's the people on Staten Island are great. They really really are but like when we first got there
You know, it's like an old school if you don't know Staten Island. It's like an old school
New York City neighborhood. It's like the only bor, if you don't know Staten Island, it's like an old school New York City neighborhood.
It's like the only borough that is like,
kind of like more Republican than anything.
They are like freedom, like American flag,
you will see American flags everywhere on Staten Island.
And Wu Tang Clan.
And Wu Tang Clan, right?
Wu Tang is on one part, but you know.
Staten Island.
Staten Island, baby.
And so they, you know, they're, like when I moved in,
you know, I come in here, it's me, you know,
like, you know, I'm Italian, whatever,
but then my whole family's Puerto Rican,
and my neighbors, for like the first two weeks,
just because I didn't know,
I told my neighbors that my wife was Italian,
and my girl was Italian, not Puerto Rican.
You lied.
I swear to God, I told them we were Puerto Rican. And and then my neighbor who's a great guy, he's a doctor, he
finally came over to me once and he goes you know we know she's Puerto Rican. He said
Chrissy it's no issue. Why did you lie? Because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.
And then I sold the house and again it's not you know I sold the house and again, it's not you know, I sold the house to a Palestinian family
Which whatever right who they would say they're very yes
They have very not they're very nice people, but I sold them it now
You know, they're proud of their country and then you know, I sold them before this whole shit started popping off
So now my that same neighbors like way to fucking go and he'll send me pictures and then it's funny cuz like they have a you know
A flag outside and my now my neighbor got
American flag twice as big as theirs just fucking stamp in that so I'm like so now I've caused a
Community conflict community conflict. Why don't you just offer him more money the Palestinians? Maybe they're uncomfortable there
No
Well, so actually what has happened is when I contacted them is they have like multiple
family members living in there now.
So they're like, we can't, this is our house.
We have to stay, they have a baby, they have a whole.
And I fucked up, but I do feel that I'm confident we are getting out of it and I'm confident in my abilities
Are you gonna go back to Staten Island? I have been looking at houses on Staten Island. Yes. I
Have and we actually we put an offer in on one last week. You're a fun mess. Thank you
It's a fun mess because it's not the worst kind of mess like you know, if you were a gambling addict
That's a scary mess or drugs drugs is a scary. Yes
Yeah, those are scary ones because those they slip people slip away and then they find their self at OTB and the fucking
Betting money they don't have and they just they get that rush
Yeah, when you see people that get that gamblers rush, it's just like a drug addict like their eyes gloss over like they just need that
Fix they need that bet
You've seen uncutems, right? Sure. Oh, phenomenal.
Does this give you anxiety?
Oh yeah.
That movie's so good.
It's so nuts. Well, that's when I watch it with my dad, my dad was like, this is what
life was like. This is what it was for me.
I knew so many people like that in the pool hall. They were like that. It's a wild thing
to watch because you realize like, oh, it's a drug. You're getting a drug. You're getting
this weird
anxiety fix right is dopamine fix whatever it is from gambling yeah and my father like inadvertently
like you know my friend loves me you know loves me like a phenomenal father right they divorced when
i was one you know my mom my dad lived on statin island my mom all the way in queens if you know
if you're not that's like a two-hour commute he couldn't he didn't have a car he was taking the
ferry and trains and never missed one visitation with me. He was at all my
games. But even in the throes of the addiction, like he would take me to the OTB racetrack and
I loved it. He was like, we're going to watch the horsies, Chrissy, you have a Yoo-hoo, we'll have
fun. But he would always tell me, you could leave my mother's house, right, where she still lives, and you
could go to the right was church, and to the left was the OTB racetrack, but it kind of,
the church was like at a top of a triangle, so you could go either way and get to the
church.
And my father told me, he'd always be like, you know, when you're going to church with
your mother, though, you always go to the right, okay?
You don't walk to the left.
Never walk past that OTB with your mother to the right because he knew that the dirtbags who hung out
outside there knew me.
And so one day we walked that way
and they all started going up.
So like, there he is, Chrissy, good luck, John.
There he is, there he is.
And my mother was like, how do you know those men?
How do you know those men, honey?
And I was like, you know, sometimes dad walks with me
past that way and then she was like, you tell me right now.
Is he taking you into that OTB racetrack?
And then I like didn't know like what the fuck to do.
I was, I had that moment, like, do I side with my mom
or side with my dad?
And that was, I remember like first time feeling
like anxiety, but you know, I, one thing about,
I just kind of always sided with my dad.
So I was like, no, I was like, I've never been in there.
I don't know how those guys know me.
But then of course she found out and you know, I've never been in there. I don't know how those guys know me. But then, of course, she found out and I got in big trouble.
But it's what it is.
God damn.
Dude, by the way, I love Austin so much.
I really do.
I got into the car today.
Sent a car for me to come here.
I appreciate it.
I get in the car, real nice suit and tie driver, and then he stepped in dog shit
as soon as he got into the car.
He's walking and I see him go, oh fuck.
And then he steps in dog shit
and he's just driving in the car
and the entire car smells like dog shit.
And I said, sir, did you step in dog shit?
And he said, yeah, I did.
And I was like, oh, okay.
He was like, you want me to take my shoes off?
I can throw them out right here. And I was like, you'll drive. He was like you want me to take my shoes off I can throw them out right here and I was like you'll drive this car barefoot. He goes absolutely
That was like no dude, it's okay. I was like you were willing to drive this car barefoot
He goes you're my customer. I'll drive barefoot for you. And I was like, dude, I fucking love it
And then he's waiting for me here and I was like, what are you gonna do man?
He was like, I'm gonna find a towel, and I'm gonna wipe down these shoes
You better bet you better believe it ain't gonna smell like shit in here when you come back. I was like good for you, dude
Thank you, but full dog shit. Yeah good people out here. They're good people out here
Have you met yeah, I mean there's not jobs everywhere though, right? Oh sure yeah
Yeah, there's a lot of thoughts crazy people here There's crazy people whenever you have a large population,
there's two million people in this area.
But that's not that much.
No, no.
That's what's good about it.
It's like people aren't a burden.
Yes, because you have the space.
Yeah, if you live in New York City, if you live in LA,
people become a burden because there's so many of them
you don't appreciate them.
See the thing with New York, I agree,
and New York now, it never felt that way,
my whole life there, but recently,
New York has become a place, still great,
still my home city, but the problems
that you would always hear about,
people would say, oh, it's conspiracy,
or you're watching that shit on the news,
now you're actually seeing it, okay?
So for 39 years, I never had one altercation,
not one altercation on the subway or in the streets
with any kind of mentally unwell person in New York.
There's a lot of crazy people,
but like they're not really fucking with you.
Three times in the past year,
three times in the past year, three times in the past year, I've been physically assaulted or like had to defend myself
against a mentally deranged homeless person.
One time I was walking in the Comedy Cell
or some guy came at me and like just put his elbow
on my chest and I had to push him
and he fell over a pile of garbage.
I just had to push him as hard as I can
where I'm like, I never dealt with that.
And now you're starting to hear people
who like would always kind of, you know,
never ever ever even think about like voting any other way,
but the traditional New York way are like,
I have to now vote another way
because it's not safe for me anymore.
There's crime and the cops, I feel bad, man.
The cops, if I was NY, a lot of my friends are NYPD.
They're like, dude, we wanna fucking police. We can't, I can't do anything. My boy was
telling me a story. He's like, we were outside the projects, right? He goes, and
we see this drug dealer selling drugs, right? We see him, he's selling drugs. And
we know he's right there selling drugs. We arrest him. Out. Right away. Out. He
goes, then he, then we saw him selling drugs to a,
what we look like a 10 year old kid.
So we arrest him.
We arrest this kid.
We're seeing a 10 year old, a child walk with a bag of drugs,
arrest him, back out.
He goes, so what do you want me to fucking do then?
I can't keep doing this.
Why do you think they're doing that?
Living in New York City,
why do you think they're letting people out?
Like right away?
There's no cash bail, right?
Right.
I was told that's by my police friends.
I was told that's what it is.
That law is the big thing.
It's like this bail law to get out, he said, which doesn't help anyone because I-
Why was it made?
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
It's not well received though.
Nobody really- In New York now, even the people
who are wearing like 40 masks during COVID
are like, I don't want my cities like being destroyed now.
So now I don't know if that changes in an election,
if people will vote, I don't know,
but I'm like, I see it now for the first time ever.
I'm like fully seeing people injecting heroin,
fucking, it's wild. Even my father who was like, I grew up in New York,
my father was like, I remember New York in the 70s and 80s,
which was like nuts.
It was like you would get assaulted, everybody had AIDS.
He was like, this is scarier New York.
I'm more scared of this New York.
Because he said in the old New York,
you knew which neighborhoods, don't go in that neighborhood.
And then you're okay.
But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from.
It's gonna pop out of anywhere at any time.
And you'll have people that will hear this and be like,
you're exaggerating, it's not true.
I'm telling you, it's true.
I wouldn't-
They just haven't run into it yet.
I'm telling you, dude, it's true.
And when you are friends with the police,
you know the cops, it's true.
Well, when you saw those illegal immigrants that came here that attacked the police officer
and they were out on jail the next day, flashing the bird at the cameras, that's crazy.
You got someone who illegally enters from another country, assaults a police officer
and they're right back out in the street.
And by the way, nobody like any race or religion doesn't want that in New York, right? Like no nobody wants that like that's not a thing that's like oh that nobody wants that at all
So like I don't know what it's gonna take to change
I mean, I will tell you that like a lot of New Yorkers blame it on Mayor Bloomberg
Like he's the most hated ex mayor Bloomberg. He's the most hated person more so than the last guy then de Blasio
I'm sorry de Blasio is what I meant to sayasio. I'm sorry de Blasio is what I meant
So I'm sorry not Bloomberg de Blasio is what I meant to say
I'm sorry mayor de Blasio is is hated like he's hated more than Satan like people just I was out of gym once in Park
Slow, Brooklyn. He was on the elliptical and he has a security guard standing by him
He was the acting mayor and I mean people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. Just, I mean, outwardly trashing him
because nobody gives a shit.
We were like, you, the one guy was like, you fucking suck.
And by the way, that's a girl's machine.
That's a girl's machine.
Elliptical is a girl's machine?
That's what they said.
And I was like, it's not.
Nobody's ever said that to me.
Yeah.
Are you using elliptical machines?
I mean, dude, they wouldn't say it to you.
But he said, they said it was a girl's machine.
And I saw one of of security guards go like this
And then but people hate him and they blame a lot of what's happened in New York on him
Well, he was definitely a fool. Sure. He was a weird fool. First of all, that's not his real name, right?
He's not Italian de Blasio is not his real name is like some sort of a German name. What's de Blasio's real name?
It's like Wilhelm. a German name. What's de Blasio's real name?
It's like Wilhelm, I think, is it?
Something very like Nazi.
William Wilhelm.
Wilhelm, what's really crazy is that video
where he was doing that thing,
trying to get people to get vaccinated,
and then like you get a free burger,
so he's eating a burger.
Does fries come with this?
Yeah.
Warren Wilhelm Jr.
Yeah, and he just divorced his wife and which she also
stole they said like 80 million dollars or something like that went missing. That's gone.
So they hate they they hated her. Now they're divorced. It's a it's one of those things
though where I just got to stay there. It's just home. You know, if I wasn't. You have to? Yeah, well especially after what I told you I just did,
I can't now uproot the family to Austin.
As much as I want.
What, you're thinking about it?
Yeah, well when I come here, I'm like.
Are you renting right now?
We're renting right now.
I can't take my kid out of school though again.
I can't do it to my.
Well, school's almost over.
Yeah, but my kids have went to,
now you're making me think about it.
Give me an edible.
Don't do it, don't do it. This is only 10? Because five puts me think about it. Give me another one. Do it. Okay do it
This is only ten because five puts me on my ass. No, this is like should I eat half or eat the whole thing?
Are you positive no, okay?
Thank you Then you like trans girls feet. Yeah, I'm pretty positive about that. I don't think you'd lie. I wouldn't lie
That's the one thing about me. I don't think you'd lie. I wouldn't lie. That's the one thing about me I would I make shit up by exaggeration a lot of my comedy stories and stuff
Exaggerate it right when it comes to shit like that. I won't lie. Yeah, I believe that
It this is a good place to live, but I don't think you should uproot your family again
Yeah, unless you can convince them once they come here and they really like it. Well, Jasmine my girl has told me
you convince them once they come here and they really like it. Well, Jasmine, my girl has told me, you can move us again in five years, okay?
Five years.
That's not a good time to move them.
Well, that's a bad time.
Why?
Because she's saying our 13-year-old will be through high school.
Yeah, but then the other one.
Eight-year-old will be going into high school.
Yeah, you don't want to move them at high school.
You only think moving them in eighth grade? I think before I just is my personal opinion
You might be wrong for whoever is listening to this
It's about to move their kid because listen I move my family moved me to Newton, Massachusetts
From Jamaica Plain for my first year of high school when it was actually good
It was good because Jamaica Plain was fucking sketchy Jamaica Plain, which is nice now
It's like they've done, you know as Boston expanded like they sort of like made they renovated a lot of place
You're not in my Jamaica plane is a much more calm neighborhood when I was there in the 1970s
It was sketchy as fuck. Mm-hmm. It was sketchy. It was like we I think we moved there in 78 or 79
It was fucking weird. You know you know it was danger I had dangerous
neighbors these kids were dead they're already having sex like I was 11 and
they were like Jesus I remember this kid was telling me like you don't even know
how your dick goes in a pussy you probably think it goes in straight I'm
like it doesn't yeah he's like it goes up I go goes up what oh I thought you
know I've never seen like a girls no girls had ever shown me their vagina
No, it was 11, but they were trying to explain to me that it's like and I guess I wasn't I guess I wasn't 11
I guess I was 13. Okay, so it's like we only lived in Jamaica Plain for a year and a half
Yeah, I think it was I think we moved there before school
I think I went through the summer,
and then I went to school with sketchy.
So this is where I went to eighth grade.
I went to this like public school in Jamaica Plain.
We didn't have any money.
We lived in, it was a shitty area.
But the kids were like 17 in the eighth grade,
and they would show up for the first days of class,
then quit, and it was just like they they were just they had dropped out so many times
They hear they were the age where they should be graduating and they're not even in high school yet
Wow, it was weird. Is that you we think got you into martial arts
Then you feel like you had to defend yourself in some ways
I definitely was I felt super vulnerable, but I didn't get into martial arts until till the next year
But it was what you do. Did you lose your virginity first't get into martial arts until until the next year, but it was what you do
Did you lose your virginity first you get into martial arts first?
martial arts nice yeah actual sex sex I mean I've been
Fondled by a lady she was 21. I was 13. That was a lot of fun. That's interesting pretty
Yeah, believe it, but nothing hardcore serious not like sex sex until I was like 16 16
I was 17 15 I guess
it was almost 16 first time ever had sex went raw dog didn't pull out Jesus I
went in I didn't know what to do oh my first time he talked to you no very
Catholic family wouldn't speak to me about these things dog not pulling out
not pull out everyone's so fertile at that age dude and she's half Jamaican
half Italian very beautiful boy, super fertile.
Beautiful girl, we actually were on the same basketball team.
We were playing basketball together
and she had already had sex and I was a virgin
and we had this sex and unprotected
and I'll never forget, she was,
she put like a do-rag on, she had done this before.
My mom wasn't home, she put this do-rag on.
She was ready to go.
She was ready to go and then she, I couldn't And then she, you know, I couldn't really,
I was so nervous I could barely get an erection.
I just couldn't.
It was like impossible.
And then finally got it in.
And then I finally got it up.
And it was, she wrote, dude, two pumps blew it.
She was like, did you just come inside me?
Oopsies.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
And then I had this emotional swing
where I immediately, I started hysterical crying.
The very first time I had sex,
it was the weirdest thing.
I can't explain it.
Hysterical crying to the point where she comforted me and then within two weeks broke up.
Of course.
She was done.
She was probably waiting two weeks.
I couldn't.
She was holding her breath.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
My therapist can't tell me why that happened.
He's like, that's a rarity.
I can't tell you, man.
Well, I don't think you should dwell on it. You were fucking 14 years old, but it's anxiety.
It's anxiety. So thinking about a thing, and the thing happens, and you're just overwhelmed,
and you don't know how to handle it, so you just cry.
Anxiety for me is this interesting thing. I know a lot of people suffer from it, but
it's this interesting thing where I've connected now. I used to lean into my anxiety, right?
I used to, especially doing comedy,
I would like make it a thing, whatever.
I, Pandora's box of anxiety opened up for me on 9-11,
cause I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing.
So I couldn't shake that feeling for 10 years after that.
I could not shake the feeling of thinking my mom
or anyone I loved, any woman that I loved,
girlfriend or mom or aunt,
if they did not respond to me within five minutes of a text,
I assume they were dead.
That feeling of 911, every day came back
because I was calling my mom, no response, no response,
every day coming back, coming back.
And so I would deal with that.
And then something happened where I started
to look at my anxiety like narcissism
and like disgusted with myself to the point where,
because I used to put out these videos,
Anxiety Tuesday, talk about my anxiety,
and people will still sometimes be like,
oh, that Anxiety Tuesday stuff, it helped me so much,
why don't you do it anymore?
And I'm like, I hate that guy.
That guy was so pitiful,
like because you were being worried about things
that really didn't matter.
What I should have done and what I know now is dealt with that anxiety in a healthier way.
So instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house because I was really nervous about a big
show, we've been able to deal with that anxiety in a healthier way and make a better decision.
So I think like this relationship with anxiety is so like big and swings in my life that I used to
kind of let I'm
trying to use the energy now to be like well how can you learn from this how
does this build you up and how do you make better decisions you know by by
doing this so I I struggle with that. Do you have friends that you grew up with
that also had anxiety too? No anxiety wasn't a thing that you could speak
about in my neighborhood. So this was only like you on your own developed this?
100%.
And then, like I remember, my anxiety was so bad.
I played college basketball and I would text my girlfriend at the time to make sure she
got home from work, you know, whatever, what she was doing.
And if she didn't text back, I remember there was this one game we were playing Brooklyn
College, which was like a big rival. We needed to beat them. I was,
I was, you know, one of the best players on the team. I, I remember I would, she wasn't
texting me back. I foolishly texted her before the game, like when we were in the locker room,
and then thinking, okay, we're going to go in for warmups, 20 minutes. I would have to leave my
phone in another room
because the anxiety of like, is the phone ringing or not?
I couldn't handle it.
So if I texted her and then I went and did something else
for 20 minutes, I would say at the end of this 20 minutes,
she's gonna have a text, she's home and you can relax, right?
Even though it was pure daylight in New York,
like she was always gonna be okay,
but my brain convinced me otherwise.
So one day she's not texting back,
and now the game has begun.
So I'm playing this game, like I can't even feel my body.
Like I am paralyzed, truly, I cannot feel my body.
My mouth is numb, I'm having like a full panic attack,
but I am the lead player on a college basketball game
that we need to win
So so I don't know like what the fuck to do
So I call a timeout I call a timeout overrule my coach. I'm like time a coach. I just need a breather
Okay, I say I'm just gonna go back into the training room. I just want to tape my ankle, which is normal
Okay, I come back out
Because I wanted to look at my phone look at the phone still no message still nothing
You know turns out it was just a delay on the train and she whatever she's a 21 year old girl
She's not looking at her phone all the time, right? And I come back and I have the phone stuffed in my pants
Oh my god
I stuffed it in my like tidy shorts and I played the game with the cell phone stuffed in my pants
Because I said the only way I'm gonna be able to do this
is somehow when nobody's looking,
even though it's a packed college crowd,
pull out this phone and make sure that she texts me
or else I can't play.
I'm gonna be paralyzed and I can't play.
So I had it and then I was playing the game,
realizing this is worse
because now I'm waiting for the phone to vibrate
and every time I thought it was vibrating, it wasn't.
I was just running in the game.
So then I stuffed it in towels and the warmups,
which was in a pile in the back of the bench.
And they would call, coach would call timeout
or I would call a timeout, I did that twice,
and then I would go over and look at the phone
to see if she had texted me and I dealt
with this anxiety.
And then what happened was, you know, we were kids, 18, 19, I opened up to one of my friends
about it.
We used to call him Bam Bam, he's a big boy.
And I opened up to him about it thinking, you know, whatever.
And then what they did, again, back then not knowing anything about mental health, not really caring, being from deep in Brooklyn,
what they did is they on a road trip, one time we were going to a game, they found a
way to start, they star six, seven, called me from a, you know, unrestricted note. It
won't, it'll pop up. Nobody. And they said, girl's name was Melissa.
They were like, hey, we kidnapped Melissa.
Oh, jeez.
We have her in the trunk of our car.
She's gonna die.
Like everything that I confessed to them, they said.
And I had, and it was crazy, my freshman year,
when she also played basketball as well that year,
when I was a freshman, she was a senior,
so we would always be in the same gym at the same time.
So I had no anxiety.
I was 90% free throw shooter, nine zero.
My junior and senior year,
when I was a better basketball player
and better shape the leader of the team,
but she was not with me every game, 50% free throw shooter
because my brain, I couldn't feel my body.
And I somehow got people, my teammates didn't even know this, I got all the way to division
three All American.
I was like, I'm my school's all time leading scorer or maybe second now.
But I did all this stuff and I was completely, 100% absolutely having like this mental health
crisis, like as anxious as I could be where I swear I'm not, I would never joke about
this.
Like I was like at 21 years old being like,
I'm gonna have to kill myself.
I'm gonna have, I cannot live like this.
And nobody could help me.
My mother didn't know what to do.
No, but this was, you know, 25, yeah, 20 years ago.
I know, but there was no mental health.
Nobody knew that.
Nobody knew about like that.
I just dealt with every day reliving.
I think my girlfriend's dead,
I think reliving that 9-11 Pandora's box and it affected me and to the point where like every
relationship I had they broke up with me because they were like I can't deal with this. To them
it was control and in a way it was. I was trying to control, I wouldn't care about if they cheated
on me, where are you? I was never jealous about that. I'd be like, go have fun, have sex, let me know what Biggest Dick is.
I'm kind of into it.
I don't give a shit.
But I cared about their safety always.
And it was this thing I could not let go of.
And the biggest fear I have,
the biggest fear I have,
and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now,
and sometimes it's fucking exhausting,
but I'm trying so hard,
is I don't want that anxiety to come back,
and then I put it on my daughters.
Because I don't want them,
I don't want to be their 18, 19,
want to live their life,
and dads here texting them,
and they don't write back,
and now I'm thinking, who has my daughter?
So I worry about that.
That's the first fear I had
when I held my oldest daughter,
who was love of my life.
I've held her, and I was like,
what's gonna happen when she goes outside which I know you got to stay in
the present you can't worry about that but sometimes it hurts me. How did you
get over this every day crippling anxiety to the point you thought you're
gonna kill yourself how'd you get past that? So what happened was is I the only
advice that I I did get from a friend of mine who's my kid's godfather now was
like you are so much better basketball player,
which is that's what I cared about back then.
You are such a better basketball player when you're single.
When you don't have a girlfriend,
you are such a better basketball player,
and that's what you need to do.
So the only way at that time I could overcome it
is to be single and to not connect to a girl
in any way, shape, or form,
because then if I was single I wasn't worried
as much because my mom always would text me back or if I called her she was always pretty
much home I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding because
my mom she is thinking about me all the time but these girls rightfully so would be like
I'm not going to sit here and respond to this behavior. You know, like he's nuts. And I was.
And then, and then so, and so that's the only way I could get over it.
Now, how I deal with it, like, you know, now, you know, my girl's out picking up my kids
from school while we're doing the show.
I just have a feeling what I think about now is if something was to happen, I can handle
it.
I'll be able to, I'll be okay. It. I'll be able, I'll be okay.
It's gonna hurt, but I'll be okay.
I've had enough life experiences where things hurt,
but you'll be confident you can get through it.
And I try as best I can to tell myself,
hey, your brain is a defense mechanism,
it's always gonna give you worst case scenario for survival.
So just know that that worst case scenario
is the statistically, the least likely thing
is gonna happen.
And if God forbid it does happen,
you'll be able to deal with it, you can handle it.
Where I think the anxiety for me,
the last time came, I don't know what to do.
I don't have the tools to help me
if something horrible happens.
So life experience, therapy, all the things.
Yeah, but it's interesting what you said to me
about therapy is I felt that way myself.
I was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I have,
we all have issues, but I'm like,
sometimes I'm just like bitching to my therapist
and I'm forcing myself to talk about these things
that I feel like I have a better handle over
from like my own kind of, you know, meditation
and just, you know, thinking, you know,
like seeking out help for myself,
listening to people speak, having life experience.
I'm like, you know, I liked my therapist,
but I'm like, I don't know, man.
Sometimes it's like, you don't wanna be the guy
that's like, I don't need help, because I get it.
But I'm like, yeah, I didn't need this today.
I feel like you made me nervous again now.
Like I didn't need this at all today.
I was okay today.
But it's Tuesday, 11, 15, so that's our session.
That's what Abigail Shrier was saying.
I had her on, she had written a book about therapy and kids and that obsessing about
problems sometimes can exacerbate the problem, make them worse.
So instead of just allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from
it, now you just rehash it over and over and over and over.
And that's no good.
And it becomes a thing that you're concentrating on all the time.
And that you're not developing the ability to be resilient.
And resilience comes from a lot of things.
A lot of things, if you have bad things happen in your life, you can develop anxiety.
But also, when bad things happen in your life and you recover from them, you realize you
can recover from bad things.
Yeah, that's how I feel now.
I feel like I'll just, I've been through it.
Like, I'm not scared of anesthesia anymore.
I used to be that guy that's scared of anesthesia
because I had to get a colonoscopy
because I took a shit that looked like it had some blood in it,
and it turned out it was just a bunch of boysenberries,
but they, but that's what it was.
Did you ever eat beets?
Yeah.
When you eat beets, you're going to a panic.
So I didn't know, so the doctor,
I showed him a picture of my shit,
and he was like, that doesn't look great,
let's just get a colonoscopy,
and I got the anesthesia,
and I woke up and everything was fine,
and I'm like, well now I'm not scared.
Now I feel,
because a big anxiety for me would be,
okay, I feel a pain in my chest, my stomach,
you know, whatever.
Like I had gas once in my stomach, and I had shows in England, and I literally went from in my chest, my stomach, you know, whatever. Like I had gas once in my stomach
and I had shows in England and I got,
I literally went from literal gas pain
because you were eating all this British food,
just a minor gas pain that was gonna go away in 10 minutes
to brain exacerbated it into potential appendicitis.
I'm across the ocean.
So now I have three more shows left.
So what I'm gonna have to do is figure out a way to get home preemptively. So what I'm gonna do is I called the ocean, so now I have three more shows left, so what I'm gonna have to do is figure out a way
to get home preemptively.
So what I'm gonna do is I called the venue,
I said I have an emergency, they said,
what's the emergency?
I said my stepmom died, which wasn't true,
and I got on a flight.
No, you didn't.
I swear to God, and I got on a flight.
Jesus Christ.
Yes, I got on a flight,
didn't tell the other people on the show,
got on a flight and got home,
because, and when I landed back at JFK,
my stomach pain went away
and it was all in my head to begin with
because what I was saying was at that time
was I'm gonna get my appendix removed over here,
I might die in the hospital,
I don't know how I'll react to anesthesia,
but now that wouldn't happen.
Now what I would say if I got appendicitis feeling right wouldn't happen. Now what I would say, if I got a appendicitis feeling
right now in the show, what I'd say was,
well, if that's gonna be the case, you'll deal with it.
You know what anesthesia feels like,
you won't know about it anyway.
We have enough modern medicine here where,
if this thing got really bad and this was like,
you're gonna die, you have enough medicine here
where you can make this as painless as possible.
Were you the headliner of these shows?
Yes.
Oh my god.
They weren't selling, but still.
Jesus Christ.
You know, I wasn't selling anything, but I still was the headliner. I let people down
and I had to apologize to my stepmom that I said she died.
The other people that were with you, did they fly over there to do those shows too?
No, they were from the UK. They were from the UK. But I missed, all I ever wanted to
do was see the beach in the UK. I've like been obsessed with like I wanted to see the water in England
And that's what they the day I left they had a beach day
And I left because I was like I have stomach pains and I and I flew away and because my brain would get the best of
Me, but now I'm different now. I'm say well. I'll be able to handle this. That's how I feel
Little nuts right it is a little nuts, but it's okay. Yeah
It's a little nuts, right? It is a little nuts.
But it's okay.
Yeah.
I don't know how to handle that.
I know.
My brain thinks so different than yours.
It's hard for me to...
But isn't it interesting that we can both... but both of our outlets are comedy, even
though our brains are different.
Because it's really...
I do comedy because it's a defense mechanism.
That's why I do it.
It's an art form.
It's a discipline. I like it. It's an art form, it's a discipline.
I like it, because it's interesting and it's fun.
I like it because it makes people laugh
and it excites my brain to come up
with new stuff to talk about.
But when you were young,
but when you were young in like Jamaica Plains
and doing those things, would your defense thing,
would you always try to make people laugh
from a defensive point of view?
See, I was. No, but if you talked to my friends from high a defensive point of view? See, I was-
No, but if you talked to my friends from high school,
they wouldn't have told you I was funny.
They thought I was a psycho.
Got it.
I had gotten obsessed with martial arts
when I got to high school, and that's all I cared about.
That's all I wanted to do.
And but back then I just was a drawer.
I was an illustrator.
I did a lot of comic books.
Left-handed?
Right-handed.
You know me, many people are good drawers
who are left-handed, who are right-handed. Really? Most of them are lefties. Well, lefties are really good at a lot of comic books left-handed right-handed You know me many people are good drawers who are left handed who are right-handed really most of more lefties
That's well lefties are really good at a lot of things. Yeah, I think lefties learn things easier
I don't know easier, but they seem to be better at learning things. I mean, this is a gross exaggeration
A lot of lefty morons
I'm sure but lefties are really good at boxing like some of the hardest
Sparring rounds I ever had to do were with left-handed guys.
It's a different angle.
You're looking at things totally different.
You're open for stuff that you're not,
like you're open for a straight left.
The right jab comes from a different place.
It's harder to manage.
It's weird.
Your brain gets used to a guy with a left hand in front
and you're standing and you're moving around with him.
As soon as the right hand's in front,
you're like, oh shit, it throws everything off.
They're really good at pool.
A lot of world champions are left handed.
Some of the best players in the world are left handed.
Not all of them.
A lot of really good right handers too,
but there's something about left handed people,
they seem to excel at stuff.
I've never played pool once in my life.
Good, don't do it.
You think I should?
It's like golf.
Don't get it.
Oh, golf either.
If you get into it, the problem with pool
is if you get into it, it's so engrossing.
It just takes over your mind.
Everything.
It's so difficult to do.
People don't understand to play really good pool
requires this insane level of concentration
That's sort of like a meditation you you're thinking about so many things thinking about the exact amount of revolutions
You're putting on the ball the angle that ball is gonna come off. What is gonna come off with spin
Are you gonna put check spin on it?
So it shortens the angle or you're gonna put running English on it. So it lengthens the angle
You're gonna hit it soft or hard
Where do you want to get for the next shot and
then where do you gonna want to get for the shot after that which you just have
to play three balls in advance oh my god I'm out already yeah and this it's all
this geometry and you have to understand angles and collisions and what about
chess feeling that's another one like I'm scared to do it I remember when
Howard Stern got really into chess I was listening to the show and he was he was
taking chess lessons and all these different things
I was like, that's one of those things like in
Boston one of things I noticed is the guys who were really into golf their career suffered
Because they weren't really thinking about comedy
They're thinking about playing they wanted to play golf
Comedy was like their job that they would do so they would have money and then during the day they would play golf and golf had become their thing.
That's interesting because I thought you were gonna say it feels like the guys
who I know who play golf have bigger careers because they're making these
connections with people on the golf course and getting these things. Well
that could happen too. I mean that's certainly a business thing. Golf is a
great business game. If you're in a business like you kind of almost have to
play golf. Yeah. These guys like to do deals and talk about things on the course
Yeah, you get to know a person on the golf course
You know just like you get to know a person playing pool like you get to know like how they can handle pressure
Right and whether they what kind of a person they are like Brian Callan famously told me the story
Where his mom was watching this guy that his dad was gonna do
business with play golf and the guy cheated at golf he moved the ball and she
goes don't do any business with them he cheats remove that ball right he moved
he's a liar like she was right yeah she was right yeah but it's there's a thing
that you could see when a person plays pool or plays golf you see their
character yeah that's like my father has a rule. If you're a fan, if you grew up in a city and
you're not a fan of that team, you're a fan of a team from another city, he doesn't trust you.
And he never will. He just won't and it has nothing to do with his team.
That makes sense.
He just says, what kind of traitor of a person are you that you want to live around people who
hate you because of your fan choice unless he said the only
Caveat to that is if their father was from like Pittsburgh, right and the or dire Steelers fan you moved to New York
I get that yeah
But if you're just you're the guy that just wants to go against the grain his his advice is no, thank you
Which that's pretty good advice. Yeah, that's a pretty good rule to live by sure
That's like someone who's to live by. Sure.
That's like someone who's in your tribe that secretly wants to be in another tribe.
Yeah.
The only thing me and my father disagree on is like right now I'm wearing a match shirt,
right?
And the only reason I'm wearing this is because I, I'm going to be honest with you, I, I,
you know, jerked off today.
I was coming in a little heavy.
I was, I was a little anxious.
I jerked, whatever it happens.
And then I kind of just let it sit there on me
and I got up and the shirt that I had
was at the edge of my bed that I was gonna wear
and I got up and it just leaked, it fell onto the shirt.
So I was like, this is the only shirt I have.
So I threw in a Mets shirt,
knowing that some of my friends back home
are gonna be like, are you a fucking Mets fan now?
Or do you a Yankees fan?
And I'm-
How dumb is that?
Because they're both from New York.
That's my thing.
For me, I'm New York.
I root for New York.
But Metz is like people who use Android phones.
Yes.
Like you're a rebel.
Yes.
It's true.
Dude, you know why I'm a Metz fan?
I was born in Queens, my father's from the Bronx,
not a Yankees fan, but Metz fan,
the owner of the team, Steve Cohen, right?
He's, you know, big owner, you know, whatever. Really nice guy. I did, in the pandemic, I did
his 60th birthday party. Oh no. Private party, right? In a room like this. Did it suck? Here's what happened.
So... I can't wait for this one.
Okay so here's what happened.
So I get a call, right?
You're gonna do this show.
What happened was, I talk, Jasmine, my family's Puerto Rican.
My kids are Puerto Rican.
I have material about having this Puerto Rican family, right?
Steve's wife is Puerto Rican, okay?
They have his 60th birthday party and what I thought the birthday party was going to
be was him and his family.
I'll do my Puerto Rican jokes, you know, the wife will like it, you know, whatever.
It's 20 minutes, you know, great money. It's, you know, whatever. It's 20 minutes, you know, great money.
It's, you know, cool opportunity.
Do it.
It's a challenge, right?
It's the pandemic, not much going on.
They rented out this restaurant.
Nobody's supposed to know about it.
It's like in the back room thing.
So I go.
So I get there and it's, no, it's him and his 10 friends, all guys, just all guys sitting
at a table like this having dinner.
They do not know comedy's supposed to happen.
The wife thought it'd be a good idea
to get a comedian in there for his 60th birthday
that she wasn't invited to,
because this was a guy's thing.
And so a 60-year-old billionaire
doesn't know who the fuck I am.
If you're gonna have comedy, have Jerry Seinfeld,
have Joe Rogan, have somebody that they know
They have no idea so the the guy who you know was like Steve's assistant who the you know has to answer to his wife
I think his name was Ned. He goes um are you the comedian? I was like yeah, he goes alright
He goes up. What's your name again, and I was like it's Chris DeStefano. I thought like Mrs. Cohen knew me.
He was like, yeah, she's not here.
Like that's, it's all guys in there.
I said, well, you know, do you not want me to do it?
He goes, no, she already paid you.
Like I have to do it.
So I was like, okay.
So I was like, well, just show me where like
the microphone is.
He was like, we don't have anything.
There's no microphone, there's no lights.
He goes, we were thinking, he goes,
he goes, they just got served their entrees. So we were thinking you can just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes. Oh boy. So I was like, you know that this is going to be,
this is a nightmare. And he was like, it doesn't feel like they're going to like you.
Oh my God! So Ned, Ned goes, listen they just got the entrees, just go out there.
And so I swear to God, I told him my name three times.
He goes, alright Steve, you know, your wife had a nice little surprise for you. We got a comedian, we got a fun comedian.
And he goes, so here he is.
And he goes, Chris, Chris,
and then one of the guys went, Chris Rock?
Is it Chris Rock?
And then he goes, no, it's not Chris Rock.
It's Chris, what's your last name, kid?
And I was like, DiStefano.
And then as I'm walking in,
somebody goes,
who the fuck is that?
And so I walk in and I get up there right away
and I was like, hey guys,
I know this is probably not what you wanted.
I can leave right now, but I have,
if you want me to do some jokes,
like I'll do them right now.
And then one guy was like yeah do it he goes
but make it quick so I was like okay this is good so I go out there and Joe I am fucking
bombing like you can't imagine like a full zero all you hear is knives and forks hitting
the plate people chewing at some point I don't know who threw it a shrimp bounced off my
chest somebody hit me with the shrimp and they're dying in the back of the table. Tommy Metola was there, you know,
who the famous record producer and, you know, was married to Mariah Carey. So I go, I go,
oh, Mr. Metola, you know, I'm a big fan, you know, of your ex-wife, you know, I love their
work. He goes, yeah, I bet you were a big fan of cock too.
Big laugh, you know, like, I'm like, oh my God.
So then finally, the only person laughing.
I'm told Dunkton, you got the biggest laugh of the room.
Crushed.
The only person laughing is Steve Sun,
who's 30 years old, who's become a friend of mine.
Josh, great guy.
He's laughing in the corner.
Not at my material, just cause he's like this,
cause he knew my podcast. He was like, Oh my God, this is crazy. So then Steve, Steve finally
goes, he goes, listen to me. He stops, he goes, he goes, I'm doing a joke. He wasn't
very nice. He goes, okay. He goes, uh, what did my wife tell you? And I said, well, I'm,
you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here birthday gift for you, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here, birthday gift for you, you know, do 15 minutes and, and, you know, like, just, you know, just do the best I can. And she thought
you'd like me because I talk about the Puerto Rican kids and all that. He goes, yeah, that's,
I'm not Puerto Rican though. I was like, no, I know, I know. And he goes, how about this? I'll
make you a deal. He goes, what are your five best minutes? And I said, well, I did the David
Letterman show a few years ago. He goes, Oh, I know, I know David Letterman. I said, well, I did the David Letterman show a few years ago.
He goes, oh, I know David Letterman.
I said, yeah.
He said, why don't you do that?
And he goes, do that.
Do those five best.
He goes, I'm gonna tell my guys to listen.
Do those five best.
He goes, if you can get me to laugh in those five minutes,
I'll double whatever my wife gave you.
He goes, did you get it already?
I said, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent.
He goes, I'll double it. Whatever it is, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent. He goes,
I'll double it, whatever it is. I don't even know what the number is. Times two,
give me your best five. So I just like planted my feet and I just to the wall,
didn't even look at anybody, just did my exact David Letterman set, which is about being on the
subway. I just came back from England like shit from 10 years ago, but I had it and I did it.
And they started to laugh and sure as shit.'s what he did. He had he doubled the money turned
out to be a big thing you know for me and then what happened was is I had to
sign all these NDAs, not to talk about it.
But I thought I had to sign NDAs because it was during COVID times and they were like
renting out a restaurant, which like you really couldn't do back then.
So I was like, just don't mention that.
And I was like, and I thought it was really more for like, you know
They don't want reporters showing up to the actual event and them getting in trouble
But it's like the next day who cares so I do my podcast the next day
Hey, babe, what's Al Volcano and I I start the show with dude. I fucking ate it last night
Here's the story right going crazy that episode comes out the next day. We filmed it in the morning
It came out that night. So the next morning so two days removed from the Cohen gig. I wake up
I have 20 missed calls from my manager my agent lawyer. I
Wake up. I'm like what the fuck happened. So my manager gets on the phone. He goes take down that episode, dude
Take it down. I said what he? He goes, you broke, you violated the NDA.
You just said all these things about the Cohen gig.
You can't do that.
His lawyers are saying you're going to get sued right now and they're going to take you
to court and they will not lose.
And then, so I just hung up the phone on him.
I was like, I need a second.
And I just hung up.
I said, what the fuck do I do?
Because I'm like, I'm not taking that shit down.
I, you know, it's comedy, whatever.
And then, so I'm like, let me calm down.
Let me calm down.
So I scrolling on Instagram, right?
This is what we do baseline scrolling on Instagram,
like a fucking crocodile.
I'm scrolling and I see DMs from Steve's wife,
Steve's daughter, Steve's son.
And I'm hearts like this now, I'm like,
oh, maybe I am fucked,
because now the family themselves, it was all,
I can't believe you talked about it, and hey babe,
we loved it, that's amazing, my dad's dying laughing,
come to a Mets game, throw out the first pitch,
the mom being like, I want to meet your wife,
oh my god, thanks for mentioning that.
And I'm like, wait, what the fuck? So I call my manager, and I'm like, I want to meet your wife. Oh my god. I can't. Thanks for mentioning that. And I'm like, wait, what the fuck?
So I call my manager and I'm like,
I have messages from the family saying that it's okay. And then he's like,
all right, hold on. And then he calls. He says, send me those messages.
I send him the messages. And then within five minutes,
lawyers backed off cause all the Steve didn't tell them to do that.
The legal team was just like, that's a violation.
I don't even check with Steve, you fucked up.
And then it went away like that.
And then the family now has become like friends of mine.
It's like really, the Cohen family owns the Mets
are like awesome, amazing people.
It's like, it's almost,
even though it's a big major league baseball team,
it's like when you go to the game, it's like,
Josh, you don't even need a ticket, dude.
Come walk in the back door, walk in with us.
Like so cool.
And then Steve goes, I'm gonna let you redeem yourself
in the baseball season.
He goes, I'm gonna let you redeem yourself, okay?
I was just at the game.
And he goes, here's what we'll do.
He goes, it looks like rain.
He was like, if there's a rain delay,
I'm gonna give you the mic,
I'm gonna put you on the Jumbotron,
and you do five minutes.
I said, you want and you do five minutes.
I said you want me to do five minutes to cold wet Mets fans that are angry about
the team not playing. He was like do you want to redeem yourself or not? And I was like I'll do it.
So we have, I think it's on my Instagram somewhere. So we have, I'm wearing dude, the worst shirt, like a floral printed stupid shirt.
My friends, I was sitting in the owner's suite, right?
My friends are diehard Mets fans.
They were sitting in the stands for this.
They didn't know this was happening.
So rain delay comes, they have the Mets announcer,
again, who messes up my name, call me Chris Destelopoulos.
I'll never forget that.
She goes, Chris Destelopoulos. She goes, I was going to do a few minutes of comedy for you.
And then the camera's just on me.
And I don't even have a mic.
They have one of those mics that you pin to your shirt.
So I had that.
So I was doing that bit where I was like, and I'm bombing.
Horrifically, horrifically bombing.
Oh my God.
Oh my God. So I'm bombing in front of 30,000,
when I got, Steve Cohen, by the way,
and his friends are dying, dying laughing,
because they knew that that was going to happen.
And then Steve goes, he goes, you're all right, man you know you're good you're all right. And I was
like that and then I got all these texts and my friends my my boy Pat was like
dude I was in the stands for that like you know we're huddled under he goes you
were bombing he goes I heard multiple people say they were gonna unfollow you
on Instagram for this shit. And he goes it was so bad he goes it was literally so
bad he said there was a little kid started to cry
Horrific and he goes in your shirt fucking sucked
And so so it was one of those moments, but I say all that to say that's why I wear the Mets shirt
I'm New York first and the Cohen family is awesome and the Mets are awesome and
And and yeah, it was it was like one of those things where a good thing turned a bad thing turned to a good thing
You know dude, it's it was dude bombing like Joe the one in Citi Field was worse
I mean that was worse because not only like I was in the control room
When did you how but between knowing you were gonna have to do it and doing it?
How much time was it less than five minutes?
Oh my god, Jamie is there a way if you could like Chris DiStefano?
Mets game bombing flower shirt. I put it on my Instagram
I don't know if you can be able to find it by my god my abs, but dude it was it was
And you know was the worst part is I was sitting in the control room
That's where they have me go live from and I? Is I was sitting in the control room, that's where they had me go live from,
and I was bombing for the people in the control room.
They were just like looking at me,
and then they were still doing the thing,
like when are we back from rain delay?
I was like doing a bit, like you know,
like doing like a clean bit,
and they were like what was it?
Is the storm coming in?
Not listening, and then at one point,
I was in the middle of my bit,
and the guy was like, buddy, shh,
I'm listening to MLB, shh.
And I was like, oh my God, and I fucking ate it.
But they were pretty nice to me.
They've been pretty nice to me.
But it was bad, and my friend Josh tells me,
he goes, yeah dude, you've eaten it
as bad as you can eat it.
Wow.
Then they had me come out for a fundraiser.
This was like in a comedy club.
I fucking bombed that.
And I was just like-
In a comedy club?
Not a comedy club.
It was like a, it was the Paramount Theater.
It was like a fundraiser, but I had come out,
that classic thing where the one comic they have
that nobody knows about comes out
and I came out right after the video of the
fundraiser for the kids with cancer and the mom and dad who lost their child to cancer
And then I have to come out and just be like let's forget about that and do this
And so and then they had these polar bears on stage that were like raffled off
They're like a thousand dollar stuffed animal polar bears for Pete Alonso
They call him the polar bears the best player on the Mets.
And I didn't know that, so I was bombing so hard for the thing.
I just started throwing these polar bears into the crowd just to be funny.
And they were like, that was $5,000 worth of raffle gifts you just threw into the crowd
now.
And I was like, sorry, I don't know what to do.
And then they were like, well, I don't know, like you might have to pay for that.
Like, you know, and then I was like, all right, I mean, I guess if I have to do it, they were like well I don't know like you might have to pay for that like his you know and then and then I was like alright I mean I guess
if I have to do it I'm sorry and then again his dad was like fuck it dude it's
polar bears just let him keep it he was like it was he was like that might have
been the worst one of all three I was like thanks oh boy but they still like
me you gotta say no to some gigs I do now now I do yeah you can't do that now
I do can't do either one Now I do. You can't do
either one of those three things. You can't go on after a video about kids with cancer.
You can't go on during a rain delay when people don't know a comedian's coming and you're
talking into this thing and then they're in. You can't do that. You can't do a guy's birthday
party with all the billionaires, birthday party with no mic. They don't know you're
coming and they don't know you're coming
and they don't know who you are.
You can't do either of those things.
Yeah, I wouldn't now, but back then, I mean, it was-
How long ago was this?
The pandemic, so 20, it was like 2021,
like world started to open up a little bit.
So that's-
Three years ago. And now, and how about this?
Now, because I've, you know, this is what I don't like.
Now, you know, cause I'm, I know, this is what I don't like. Now, you know, because I'm Mets, I just like the Mets.
I like New York, but because I've talked about the Mets
and went to Mets games, the Yankees people
used to give me tickets,
won't give me tickets to the game anymore.
They said, you're either with them or us.
I was like, that's kind of a dickish move.
Wow.
You won't let me go to Yankee games.
You know, I'm like-
They won't give you tickets anymore?
They say you're either with them or us?
Yeah, I used to be like, my thing is,
what I've always cared about is like,
I love New York, right?
I wanna be the New York, like a Colin Quinn.
That's a, I look up to Colin, he's the New York comic,
David Tell, these are the guys, right?
So that's the aspiration.
So like going to the sporting events
and people being like, Chrissy,
like all that stuff means everything to me.
I mean, I wanna sell out Milwaukee too,
but it's not, if it happens.
This is it?
No, no, that's not it, that's not it. That's just me being an asshole. That wasn't
it. Go back to this must've been 21 or 22. I'm sorry. If you have someone find it. Yeah.
Jamie will find it. It's me on the jumbo. It's like I'm on the jumbo trying with a floral
print shirt. I look like a real asshole. But yeah, they won't, you know, like.
That's crazy with the Yankees.
It won't do it.
It doesn't make any sense.
They won't do it.
That's silly.
But so whatever, I just deal with it.
I still root for them.
Not even the same league.
Oh, it's dumb.
It's dumb.
Yeah, one's American League, one's National League.
Exactly.
Right?
That's the National League, right?
Yeah, and I love it.
So what is that?
That doesn't make any sense.
I don't know.
I mean, because, you know, you just deal with it. But what's the beautiful thing about comedy
is when you put out the comedy work or the podcast
is the players, the actual Yankee players, Anthony Rizzo,
these guys, they've reached out and been like,
oh, I like that bit.
So they're like, text me if you want tickets.
So that's good now.
They'll let you in.
So they'll let me in.
But the PR people who would give you the nice tickets,
they'd say, that's not happening anymore for the Yankees.
For the Mets, the Mets were like, dude, we'll give you fucking dirt from the field, whatever
you want.
So, I kind of, you know, you go to where you're wanted, right?
That's just a normal life thing.
Sure.
Go where you're wanted.
Yeah, Mets people are rebels.
Rebels, dude.
But, so, but it was-
Because like people don't even think about the Mets outside of New York.
No, people think like the-
Yankees. Like if you think about New York baseball, Yankees. That's the Mets outside of New York. No, people think like the Mets. Yankees.
Like if you think about New York, baseball, Yankees.
That's what everybody thinks outside of New York.
But in New York, it's the only place where people care about the Mets.
And you know what?
The Mets, I would say the Mets fan base is a more rabid fan base than the Yankees.
The Mets, the Mets are, they will follow you anywhere, Mets fans.
Like the Chicago, like Chicago.
Cubs.
The Cubs.
Everybody loves the Cubs.
Yeah.
Even though they couldn't win, everybody still loved the Cubs.
Yeah, everybody loves the Cubs.
This edible is hitting me, by the way.
Chicago has the White Sox too though, right?
The White Sox, but they're kind of in the, in the, in the not good part of town, supposedly,
and the White Sox fans, like the Cubs,
it's the Cubs are the Yankees in that city.
And are the White Sox the Mets?
The White Sox would be the Mets, yeah.
So it's kind of like, it's kind of that thing.
Not a whole lot of cities have two teams.
How many cities have two teams?
In baseball, well, the Dodgers and the Angels,
but the Angels are so far outside, but that's one.
Anaheim, right?
Yeah. New York and Chicago,
that's really all I can think of.
And same with basketball, like, you know,
like nobody really cares about the Brooklyn Nets,
it's all about the Knicks.
But LA is just the Dodgers,
like Anaheim is a different spot.
Right.
That's almost like San Diego.
Yeah, it's far.
You know, Anaheim's far.
San Diego's got teams too, though.
They do, yeah.
The Padres, baby, the San Diego Fathers. I love Diego fathers and Diego I mean it's in Diego's fucked now though
Well, I thought my friends who used to live there say it's fucked they went back
It's fucking tense everywhere in chaos really cuz I thought they were like the American freedom first time southern Southern, California city
Well, that's interesting. There's a lot of military there. I mean, that's the base of that. Right, Navy SEALs, right?
Yeah, there's a lot of bases there.
We did UFCs down there.
Because it was always a place where
there was military bases, a lot of military.
But then there's always fucking weirdos.
Like, Southern California.
And there's more of them than there are the military people.
Yeah, I-
And they vote in shitty politicians and-
I know.
And then they let tents and all that shit happen.
How bad is San Diego now?
I heard it- I think-
My buddy who just got back there, I mean,
he said it was fucking awful.
Dude, yeah, if they have the tents, that's not good.
He used to live there and he bailed.
They realized like during the pandemic,
we gotta get the fuck out of here.
Dude, my fucking feet are numb now. From what?
The edible, dude. I'm telling you, I can't, it just hits me. I don't know if it's what it is,
but it's my feet are numb. Don't think about it. You think about yourself a lot.
Which is selfish and narcissistic and I don't like it about myself.
Can you just stop doing it while it's happening?
Or does it overcome you?
But that's why I was thinking that maybe you needed another thing to think about.
Like another thing that you're into.
Like a thing that's like totally non-career related.
Like painting or cooking.
Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something.
Yeah.
Somewhere you really get into that thing.
When you think about that thing
and being better at that thing.
What about playing basketball again?
Sure, that's a great one.
That's also a good one too,
because it's physical.
Yeah.
And I think the things that you get into
that are physical require even more
because it requires not just thinking,
but it requires execution.
There's a physical thing that you have to do.
Yeah, I was gonna do boxing a few years ago
and then the very first day I was there,
a guy got into the ring and sparred
and he was kind of being really like a macho guy
and he was like, I'm not wearing a cup.
And the trainer was like, he should wear a cup.
He was like, I'm not doing it.
I'm not wearing a cup, I'm not wearing a headgear.
He got hit in the nuts
and his testicle
came out of the scrotum.
So that was my first 20 minutes there.
So I was like, I'm probably not gonna do this,
even though I know that that's not most likely
gonna happen to me, because I would wear the cup.
But I was like, I just was like, you know,
if you see a man's testicle fall out of his nut sack,
you're probably not gonna go back to do that thing
just because you just, you know, it just gives you,
it makes you uncomfortable. But that to go back to do that thing just because you just, you know, it just gives you, it makes you uncomfortable.
But that's what happened to me.
Yeah.
But I do want to, I do, I do envy, I do feel like I don't, I should know about MMA because
not only is it such a cool sport, you can defend yourself also in the comedy community,
it's big.
I mean, the only fight I ever went to was a PFL fight that that that league at the theater at Madison Square Garden and
The fans they were you know, I had never been I don't know anything about MMA
It was a lot of recognition from the pods because they were like it's all one community
And so I was like this could be my golf. This should be my golf
This is what you should get into and not comparing that. That would be very good for your anxiety though, for sure.
Because it's very difficult.
So it makes the rest of the day a lot easier.
Because when I tried one jujitsu class and I felt like I don't even know how I don't
blow out my knee.
It's a statistical impossibility I won't blow out my knee.
I'm going to, of course this guy's going to follow me and I'm going to blow out my knee.
But do you just deal with that and say, I'll get over that?
Or you just learn ways to not blow out your knee?
Well, I've had my knee blown out.
I've had three knee operations.
So I'm just going to have to accept that.
If I want to move forward in MMA,
you're going to blow your knee out.
Not necessarily.
You can also strengthen your knees
to make sure that it doesn't happen as often.
There's a lot of stuff you could do to mitigate that.
Also, just roll cautiously and be smart about it
and don't roll with crazy people.
You see wild people that are just like way too aggressive
and explosive and just like,
they just do it in a haphazard way.
Don't fuck with those people.
So you, because you know,
it's become second nature to you how to do these things,
but someone like me who has a bit of fear just from being older
and not doing it, like my father learned how to drive
when he was 45, so he's just a terrible driver
and can't drive, even though he's not scared of life stuff,
he's gotten to fist fight stuff,
but he's like, I can't drive.
I learned how to drive when I was 17,
I'll drive with one arm, I'm in control.
So I feel like that way with MMA,
it's like now I've developed all these bad things
I can you know, you think and I'm like I can't do this
I can't even get into this thing about MMA if you want to get involved in that I do the same thing as if boxing
The thing is getting hit and getting hit is not a small thing
It's it's a big thing and it's a it's a bigger thing than people want to pretend it is
Getting hit in the head is really bad and you you're going to get hit in the head.
And you're going to get hit in the head
quite a bit in the beginning because you're not good.
And people, especially if someone is sparring you
and it gets aggressive, and you're going to get hurt.
And that's just fact.
That's just if you, especially if you're sparring.
Now, if you're just learning skills,
you can just learn skills with people.
If you have a really good place that you they can show
You how to hit mitts you can hit the bag you get a great workout
And you don't actually spar or if you do spar you spar with an instructor who's gonna be very gentle
So they're just gonna be touching you they're just gonna be tapping you and explaining
You don't have to hit hard. You just have to use technique when you hit hard hit the bag. You're not a professional
You're not thinking about taking on fights
It's no reason for you to get busted up. Let's just work on your skills
Got it. So so in other in some ways then it's like my fear of getting over anesthesia when I got the colonoscopy
You just got to get hit a little bit and you'll get over the fear
You'll understand you can accept that the problem is like if you're sparring with another guy
And you and the other like he hits you with a jab and then you hit him with a jab and he hits you a little
Harder like this guy's hitting hard with another guy and you and the other, like he hits you with a jab, then you hit him with a jab and he hits you a little hard.
You're like, this guy's hitting hard.
Then you start hitting each other hard
and next thing you know you're fighting.
That happens all the time.
It happens all the time.
So sparring oftentimes turns into like a real fight.
Just with big gloves and pads on.
And I've only ever been in two fist fights my whole life.
My first fist fight I punched this kid Glenn in the face
thinking I'm gonna knock him off his bicycle and I'll win and he didn't even move a muscle and then he beat the shit out of me
And then the second and then the second fight I got into was just like a bar brawl
And I got hit but I got hit like in the back shoulder wasn't too bad
And then I just kind of I never really got beat up. Mmm hard like you know like I know it's not necessary
You don't have to get beat up, but just learning how to defend yourself would just help for sure
How anxiety it's like for a lot of people it's like meditation
it's like medication in fact for a lot of people and
Jiu-jitsu is a really good one because you there's a possibility of you getting injured with any combat sport
It's a possibility of you get injured right, but Jiu-jitsu at least you're not getting hit
you know Jiu-jitsu, at least you're not getting hit.
Jujitsu is clinching and chokeholds and arm bars
and leg locks and stuff, but you can learn those things.
If you do it with a good school
that has a good ethic about them,
you could do it pretty safely.
Yeah, because I'm a person, we talk about it,
we get excited about it,
but sometimes I don't put these things into practice,
even though I know standup,
we're doing difficult things here, But other things I'm like,
like for example, when I, you know, in the middle of the pandemic or whatever, 2022,
some time around there, I got nervous about, I got to, I don't know how to fight. I got to defend
my house. And there was at times talks of, to some type of what if a nuclear bomb went off here,
because things are getting tight with Russia before they invaded Ukraine. So I came home one day with night vision goggles, a 30-day supply of powdered fettuccine Alfredo
and a gun.
And I don't know how to use the gun and iodine tablets.
And so I did all these things and then I was like, well, now what?
My family was laughing at me like, what is any of this stuff going to do?
You can't do any of this shit.
And I was like, you're right.
And I kind of just made a decision,
but I don't put things into practice.
So I want to make a choice to say,
if you're going to talk about it, then do it.
Go do MMA.
Go try it.
Is there a place that you could go to that you know about?
Well, there's that grace.
I live 15 minutes from Midtown in the place
that Anthony Bourdain was always in. Hensel Gracie's? Yes, the main headquarters right there's that grace. You know, I live 15 minutes from Midtown in the place that Anthony Bourdain was always
in though.
Hensel Gracie's?
Yes, the main headquarters right there.
Great place.
And I always see guys walking in and out of there.
Yeah, go there.
Drip in sweat.
You're close to that?
15 minutes.
Go there.
That's the spot.
Go there.
Go take classes.
Yeah, perfect place to go.
Yeah.
And that's the workout for the day.
That's the hardest workout that you'll ever do, right?
Oh, very hard.
Yeah, very hard.
Yeah. And it's good for your brain.
The thing about it is it's really good for your head because it's so difficult that it
really does make the rest of life's difficulties easier.
That's a good...
Because it's a safe, controlled difficult.
There's like if a guy gets you in a chokehold and you're trying to fight out of it, you
can't, you can tap, and then you go right back to training again.
And I won't be made fun of that I'm 30, an old no the boy encourage you they're the welcome you yeah
A lot of people get into it and they're 40 if it Bourdain didn't even start until he was in his 50s what yeah
Like Bourdain was like 62 when he died. I think is that how old he was. I'm not sure. How old was he Jimmy I?
Think he got into jujitsu when he was 58
Yeah, damn so
When I did his show I did one of the episodes of his show we went
pheasant hunting in Montana together
So flew to Montana and Bourdain and I and he's talking about Dar's jokes and like we're in the middle like we're out there
Pheasant hunting and I go
Do you know how to do a Japanese necktie?
He goes with that and I go when you go in for the Darce sometimes can't get the Darce
But you can get the Japanese necktie. Let me show you so we're on the ground on
On the fucking ground and I'm showing them. Okay. Now you got this once you got his this here
You're always looking for this right because that's the Darce. Yeah, I go but from here
I'm gonna tuck your head into my chest and I'm just gonna roll on my right shoulder. He's like ah
Yeah, it's fucked right wow on my left shoulder. I go. That's the Japanese necktie
So I'm explaining him the Japanese necktie on the ground
That's what the camera crew is there and shit, and I'm like go ahead try it on me now
He's got his friend Josh's Josh is doing jujitsu, too It's like get in here, so he did here now from here
So this is a piece of Josh's a big guy
I was like it's hard to get this through right, but you don't have to get this through once you get this clamp
I just want you to tuck that head and then roll on this shoulder and they're like oh shit
So we were like rolling around the dirt in Montana. That's how into it what he was
Did they care that cared about they should?
in Montana, that's how into it he was. That's all he cared about.
No, no, they didn't hear that.
That'd be sick.
It was just us shooting birds and eating them.
It was really fun, it was a really fun experience.
He was a fucking fascinating guy.
When I watch, I always watch if it's on the plane,
this documentary Road Runner that they made,
I think after he passed away, and it was amazing.
He said something once where he was like,
you know, I, because sometimes I think about this, you know,
when you get a little older, even though I'm not super old,
but you start to think like, hey, are my best years
behind me, like what, you know, what is life,
what's the next things?
And I heard him say, he was like, you know, when I,
he only became famous or like people knew his name
and read his book when he was 43 years old.
He said, so I was sitting there at 42 years old thinking,
whatever, all my fun, all my drug days, all my wild,
it's all over.
I'm in the back half of my life now,
and this is what life's gonna be.
He goes, and I didn't realize that it was gonna be
the next 20 years of my life that would be me,
be the best years of my life.
And I never heard someone talk about it that way.
It was like, I know we know,
that you never know what tomorrow holds, our whole lives can change in an instant,
but sometimes I can't help but feel like,
oh, I'm coming into my 40s now.
You know, like what?
But when I heard Bourdain, I was like,
oh, that's a very hopeful way to,
that's a very hopeful thing.
There's no roadmap for everybody.
Yeah.
And sometimes the more interesting people
are the people that lived their entire lives never thinking they were going to be famous, and then became famous like Jordan Peterson is a great example that like he was a professor, just like it was opposed to this bill that would cause people to have to be forced to mandated to use a bunch of made up gender pronouns and he's like this is crazy like you can't allow this is just going to spiral Yeah, I'm just gonna snowball into something else so he becomes famous in his 40s
Which is a very difficult thing for people to deal with almost impossible
It's possible Morgan Freeman is the only other one Rodney Dangerfield are the only other two big names that I know
Ronnie's a big one right now Rodney was a
Aluminum siding salesman you know wild yeah, and you never stopped writing apparently was always writing jokes during that time
But he'd quit doing comedy and just yeah back to regular life, and then
Said fuck it. I'm going back in right and like back to school and all those movies. I mean right. It was huge
It's crazy that like how many people are like that out there that could have made it and just didn't and just stopped just stopped or got
Whatever demons they had got the best of them, which is a lot of us.
Yeah.
I mean, there's a lot of guys out there that have demons.
Their demon might be cocaine, their demon might be alcohol, gambling, whatever it is.
There's like a demon that gets people.
And just gets you.
And it's also timing, right place, right time.
I didn't know this about sports, but like, you know, like the same way, like we know
funny, funny, funny people
that just never really made it for whatever reason.
It actually happens in sports too.
I thought sports being objective was being like,
oh, the best player will get discovered,
but it's like, no, you gotta have the right connections.
You gotta play in the right tournaments
to get noticed by the professional teams.
And there's players, there's a guy out there
who would have been as good as
You know the Michael Jordan and the Kobe's of the world, but he just never made it
He never got in front of the right people. It's also a disciplined thing
Like sometimes sometimes people are very very talented right and they really could be amazing
But they just because talent sometimes can fuck you
Because if you're really talented
You don't have to work as hard. If you're better than everybody else,
you can kinda half-ass things.
Right.
And you can get through things without even training.
Like John Jones is so talented,
he defended his title against Alexander Gustafson,
who's like one of the best guys ever
in the light heavyweight division,
and didn't even train for it.
Didn't even train for it.
And won.
And it was the hardest fight of his career,
because he was getting beat up in the first few rounds,
and he pulled it off in the last two rounds. That's when he won the decision. Right. It was the hardest fight of his career, because he was getting beat up in the first few rounds. And he pulled it off in the last two rounds.
That's when he won the decision.
It was a crazy fight.
First time he's ever been taken down.
I mean, he got busted up, got a big cut over his eyes,
his eye was swollen up.
But he's so talented that he's able to beat
one of the best guys in the division without even training.
Then he has a rematch with him later,
where he says, now I'm gonna fucking train,
and he just annihilates him.
Yeah, it's crazy.
I've heard that he's the most talented one,
people argue, of all the fighters.
He's very arguable, and he's certainly the most accomplished.
He's beaten every single person he's ever faced,
except there's only one loss that he has,
is disqualification in a fight that he was dominating.
The Gustafsson fight was close, though,
and he had a gut... But he didn't even train. There was fight that he was dominating. The Gustafsson fight was close though, but he didn't even train. There was fighters
that he was fighting where he just he was so much better than everybody that
the way they would describe it is like he was playing with his food. He
wasn't threatened by them, so he wasn't fighting to the best of his ability.
So does a guy like John Jones you think have some type of fear in the ring or
do you kind of lose that when you become a guy of his level at this stuff?
I think you're always going to have some doubts and thoughts that enter into your head, but
a guy who's that dominant knows how to dominate those thoughts, knows how to overcome them.
You don't let them in.
You're going to have anxiety, you're going to have nerves, but you just don't let them
in. Some guys don't have nerves like Justin Gaethje
Says he doesn't get any nerves. He says he kind of freaks me out. I get in there and I'm not even nervous
Hmm. Yeah, but that's interesting because if you know, you could be killed by some of these high-level guys, right?
Even the best fighters it's possible you get hit in the head the wrong way
Well, that's one of the crazy things that Justin says it's when he goes to fights
He never plans anything for after the fight because he doesn't assume he's gonna be alive Wow. Yeah, that's when he goes to fights, he never plans anything for after the fight, because he doesn't assume he's going to be alive.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's pretty deep.
Well, that's how he fights too.
That's really how he fights.
That's interesting.
I respect that a lot.
He's a psycho.
Yeah.
He's born for it.
Well, yeah, the human brain's a funny thing. I mean, I don't feel one ounce of anxiety on stage,
whether I'm bombing, doing well, zero.
Always been that way, zero.
So it's all offstage.
After the fact, before the leading up,
and after is where all the anxiety hits me
or really would spin me out of control
and better at controlling it now,
but on stage, I mean, truly zero.
Like I literally was having so much anxiety,
I told you I sold my house because of Radio City
and then I was on stage at Radio City
and not a ounce of anxiety.
The unfortunate thing is as much as people tell me,
be in the moment for these big things,
slow it down, all that, I tell myself I'm doing it
but I never have any memory of it,
and I never kind of take over the night.
Like I did Radio City, people was like,
what'd you do after?
Where was the after party?
Where'd you go?
I said I was in bed at 11 o'clock with my family.
I was in bed.
The show ended at nine, I was in bed at 11.
On the night, my biggest night.
And I don't know why, that's just how I am.
There's nothing wrong with that.
No.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with just
going on with your life.
You don't have to celebrate.
Right.
Yeah, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Yeah, but you've had so far a very, very, very cool life.
Do you feel though, at times, even you have F FOMO and are like, shit, I wish I
would have did something else. Or you don't feel that anymore. You were always that way
or you got to this way after, you know, just the mounting success.
No, I genuinely don't think that way.
From day one?
No. One thing that I used to do when I was on Fear Factor though, I would, I would be
jealous of guys that were on the road. I'm like, God, I wish I could go to do the road
right now. I just couldn't.
The schedule was so hard.
It was very difficult to just do just comedy.
And the guys who were just doing comedy, I would admire that.
I'd go, god, I wish I could just do comedy.
Because Fear Factor, as great of a job as it was, was a job.
It was something I was doing just for money.
I do stand-up for free.
I do guest spots all the time for free.
Just show up and do comedy for free.
You work for free.
But that's how comedy is.
It's fun.
We don't think about it.
Like, we enjoy doing it.
We constantly are working out.
Like, if you're working out in the city, like, what are you getting for a spot?
Twenty bucks?
Yeah, it's nothing.
It's nonsense.
You get a free drink at twenty bucks.
You're doing it to work out.
I give it to the waitress, you know?
Yeah, for sure.
But the comedy store would always cost me money. You're doing it to work out. I give it to the waitress. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
But the Comedy Store would always cost me money.
Would I pay out in tips?
It would be way more than I would make for doing a set.
When I was, one thing that always stuck with me, when I was in eighth grade, at the same
time I had mono and my mom had gout, so none of us could, we just couldn't move.
I fucking had mono and she just couldn't move her foot.
So she got us cable television and we watched cable and they would show reruns
of Oprah, the Oprah Winfrey Show. My mom would just watch it. And I remember one day and
it's like advice that just stuck in my head. Oprah was on, I think it was one of the first
times she was on with Dr. Phil. Oprah was on and she said, you know, the thing about
success is real successful people is the money always comes second.
It's the passion first, and then the money comes second.
If you reverse it and you go after the money first, you may get success, but there's a
negative karmic energy attached to that money.
So the only way to do it the right way is you go passion first, and then the money will
always come, but it will come second.
And I don't know, I was like in a fever mono dream and I just always remember,
and I was always stayed with me my whole life.
And that's why I brought up before,
I was like, when I saw you kind of hammering out your set,
I was like, oh shit, this is why,
the passion is there.
You couldn't pay him, not pay him.
If you were at this level, not at this level,
you'd be still the guy hammering out the hour,
which is dope.
But that's if you have the ability to do that.
Like what Oprah's saying is true, but it's easy for people to say that that have already
been successful.
That's like that whole secret thing.
Remember the secret?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where people are like, you just gotta manifest things and they'll happen.
Have a vision board.
Sort of.
If you talk to successful people, they'll tell you that they probably did that, but
they probably did a lot of things.
That's one factor. And people want to pretend...
People want to...
People want to pretend that
it's insignificant, that's foolish.
It is a factor.
But the people that want to pretend that it's the whole thing,
that's foolish as well.
Because you can't just manifest things.
I remember we were at the comic store once
and there was this lady that came to the store
who was a friend of
One of the comics and she was telling me that she is following the secret
She's like I have the secret now and now I know
That I am going to be married to the person that I love and I'm gonna have an amazing career and all these different things
As I go I go so you're confident in this you're like sure this I think this is I don't know if I had seen the movie
Yet because I remember when I saw the movie I was like whoa these people are other fucking minds
I was like there's a lot more to it kids than right is this right this you can't like you can't have a bunch of
People just thinking they're gonna manifest themselves being a rock star. It's gonna happen. I'm gonna make it happen
Like no there's a lot of things you have to do.
There's a lot of work involved, a lot of learning.
You've gotta make mistakes and recover from those mistakes
and do better and write better stuff
and perform better and get better.
You have to do stuff that people actually enjoy.
So what do people enjoy about my work?
What am I missing that other people have?
There's a lot that goes on
It's not just I want to be a rock star. I'm gonna make it happen
So this lady was telling this to me and this was the only time I'd ever met her
But we had to all we were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store
So she was out there for a couple hours, right? So then I saw her again like two like a year two years later
I was doing a show at another club
and I ran into her outside.
I go, hey, how you doing?
She goes, last time we talked, we talked about the secret
and she goes, it's not been working.
She's like, I don't understand.
My father is a, like her father was like messing up her life
like he's, I don't know what was going on.
And she was like, and her life like I don't know what was going on and she's like and I
Haven't found that relationship and my career isn't going well
And and we had a very brief conversation. I was like damn
Yeah, good to see you. Bye. Yeah, and I was leaving and I was gone
And then I remember thinking like people that that thought that way that really. You can hear that from a successful person.
I just knew, I had a vision, I stuck with that vision,
I made it happen.
So there was a lot of people running around
during these days, like the early 2000s,
that had this thing in their head
that they could manifest a reality.
Yeah, and I think it's become a popular thing,
especially in this culture, where it's like,
be a boss, be the best.
It's like that's not how society works.
Society would crumble.
You need people who don't want to do that.
You need people who are saying, I'm okay not being the boss.
I'm okay not being the best.
You need that.
Well, also, and I can tell you like in my own life, in like doing this podcast specifically,
I fucking never thought it was going to be what it is.
I never even imagined it.
I didn't want it to be.
It never was a thought. It was never, I want this thing to be, I want to be what it is. I never even imagined it. I didn't want it to be. It never was a thought.
It was never, I want this thing to be, I want to have 15 million subscribers.
No, I never, never, not one time.
The whole thought was, do your best.
Who do you want to talk to?
What's interesting?
Have an interesting conversation.
Stay in the moment.
Just do your best.
Well, and also, correct me if I'm wrong, by the time you started your podcast, you were already successful. You were already the moment. Just do your best. Well, and also, I'm correct if I'm wrong, by the time you started your podcast,
you were already successful.
You were already the host.
You were already kind of a household name,
I'm sure financially successful,
so you didn't need it for the money.
You were like, I just want to talk to my friends.
Yeah, I was just doing it for fun.
Right.
I always wanted a radio show.
I'm like, no one's gonna give me a radio show.
And also I'd probably swear.
I'd fuck it up.
Right.
And then there was XM, and back in the time,
XM wasn't giving anybody any money.
They had all their money was going to Howard Stern. Serious XM, whatever it is, the whole thing. I think it it up. And then there was XM, and back in the time, XM wasn't giving anybody any money. They had all their money was going to Howard Stern.
Sirius XM, whatever it is, the whole thing.
I think it still is.
The big thing.
Do they still call it Sirius XM?
Still Sirius XM, and I've heard that it's just,
it's Howard's money.
Yeah, but he has so much.
Well first of all, if he leaves, they're fucked.
Oh yeah.
Because how many subscribers will bail when that guy leaves?
Dude, I did Howard Stern show three months ago ago and I thought he wasn't in the room, but
the way they have that set up is you really believe he's in the room, like almost like
a hologram.
They tricked you.
Dude, I was talking to Howard Stern, but he was in Long Island or wherever he was, Florida,
and I was in the city.
It was actually pretty crazy because, you know, it's Howard.
It's like, it's a big, big, big deal.
It's almost like a surreal.
For a New Yorker, particularly.
Of course, yeah, it's almost like a surreal thing.
We're like, this is Howard Stern, what?
And they told me, they were like,
you're gonna go on for five minutes.
So I was prepared to do that.
It was, they had a segment on there
where they, I forgot what the name of it was,
but you have to guess this guy's sexual fetish.
And the guy's fetish was that he liked his nuts and dick taped, uh, nailed to the wall.
That's what he was into.
Yeah.
Dick.
Yes.
Nailed to the wall, nailed to the wall with a fucking nail gun.
Oh, yeah.
It was that's, that was when we have to guess it little by little.
God damn.
So it was, how do you even stand for that?
He loved it, dude.
You have to like get your dick on the side of a wall?
How do you find it out?
How do you get there?
How do you find that?
Very good question, Jamie.
It's a very good question.
He would stick when he was a kid,
when he was a kid, when he would get yelled at
by his mom and daddy, he would stick, you know, safety pins.
He would stick safety pins through his dick and balls,
like as a way to cope with it all.
Oh my God. Oh my God, that's so crazy.
Yeah.
So you just ramp up from there.
Oh my God.
Yeah, it's kept it going.
Rock hard, he said by the way.
He was rock hard on the show
when he was taping his nuts to the wall.
Oh God.
So we had to, we had to guess it.
We had to guess it and he was like,
you know, it was like this thing where they were like,
the producer were like, hey, he's gonna talk to you for five minutes. Just get to know you your name. What do you do comedy? You know, whatever
And then you're gonna get into this segment and I was like, okay great
Baba booey Gary, you know is the one who hooked it all up and I was like great dude five minutes
That's that's awesome. Like excellent and then so we go we're starting to talk. I don't know what I said
I said something stupid and he started to laugh.
And then he was like, wait a second, wait a second,
wait a second, what is it?
Who are you?
And I was like, you know, on the show,
I was like, hey, my name is what I do, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
We start to, we talked for like an hour and a half.
I'm like, I got like a real Howard Stern interview.
And then, and then we did, we did the bit at the end, you know, I
I didn't have any good guesses and then uh and then like 20 minutes later I get
a call from a random number and I pick up and he's like hey it's Howard and I
thought initially was one of my friends doing like an impersonation like cuz
they knew I was on Howard it happens live and then he was like no it's me
it's Howard he was like he was like it happens live. And then he was like, no, it's me, it's Howard. He was like, uh, he was like, man, that was, that was great.
He was like, you just, I don't know, like, just whatever you're doing,
just keep doing it. He was like, I was very engaged, uh, with that stuff, man.
He was like, so, so good. And then I was like, okay, thanks.
And then hung up. And then I was like, holy shit, did that really just fucking happen from comedy?
And I felt really positive.
I still feel really positive and great about that, but sometimes my brain can't hold on
to that for too long.
And then what will happen is we'll say, okay, well, let's balance it.
Catholic guilt come in, let's balance it and make ourselves not believe know, not believe him in some way.
You know what I mean?
And so I hear from you a lot,
you'd be able to kind of take that confidence,
which is a beautiful thing,
and just kind of have it make you stronger
and say, all right, I'm gonna keep going up,
where I look for a way down from it to balance.
So I fight against that, but I'm getting close.
And I do think the next time I come on this podcast,
I'll be fully gay. Oh, podcast, I'll be fully gay.
Oh, okay.
I'll be fully in.
Okay.
I don't think too much about myself.
Right.
I try to just think about life,
and I think about what I'm trying to do.
Right.
You know, whatever thing I'm trying to be good at.
That's how I handle it.
I think dwelling too much about yourself is not, it's like
every comic has a tendency towards narcissism. I don't think that should be encouraged. I
don't find any benefit to it.
Even you, do you think you have a benefit?
Everybody does I think.
We just have it, right?
Yeah, everybody does. That's why you want to look good, you want to sound good, you
want people to admire you, people think you're doing well, all that stuff.
But don't feed that.
Yeah, that's what it is, feeding it.
Don't feed it.
Think about the thing, like whatever you're doing, whatever your art form is, relationships
or friendships, think about those things.
Feed the good wolf for the bad wolf.
Yeah, don't think about you.
Yeah, that's good.
I like that, don't think about you. Think about good wolf for the bad wolf. Yeah, don't think about you. Yeah, that's good. I like that, don't think about you.
Think about the thing you're trying to do.
And just be the best you can at the thing.
The best you could be at the thing
is everything you could ever ask of yourself.
And the only thing that's gonna get in the way of that
is doubts, lack of discipline, lack of talent,
lack of hard work.
Work ethic is a lot, there's a lot of people
that like substitute work ethic for anxiety. They substitute work ethic for a lot, there's a lot of people that like substitute work ethic for anxiety.
They substitute work ethic for a bunch of like bullshit thinking that just distracts them from doing what they really should be doing.
Which is work ethic.
Which is getting stuff done. Because like what is the thing you're trying to feel?
The only thing, like there's a giant difference, like if I am in my office, there's a giant difference between how I feel if I just watch YouTube videos
even if it's like an interesting thing it's a giant difference between how I
feel that then if I go over my material and I start writing and I write a new
tagline I write a new joke I have a new premise I have a new thing I put it in
my phone now I go to bed I feel great right now I feel good so it's like I
gotta learn like what is the thing that helps the thing that always helps my mental state is to be
To be engaged in a thing and
To be creative and to try to figure this thing out and then do the work that you need to be doing
For your career for the thing that you love which is comedy right or whatever it is or even podcasting
Do that work on that thing right work on the thing and then when you're done you feel good
We're just fucking off. You just feel like a loser and if you feel like a loser and you start feeling
That maybe that's who I am
Then you have imposter syndrome, and then it looks just be professional just get it
Yeah, do the things you have to do
And then if I do all that stuff then I can actually enjoy a movie I can sit down and enjoy a movie
I'm fucking did everything I'm supposed to do I can enjoy anything
But I have like in my head like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing
I'm not doing the work. I'm supposed to be doing then I feel like a loser
So let's just do the work, and then you don't feel like a loser.
And then you could be sociable, then you're fun to hang out with because you're not overwhelmed,
your mind is not on this thing that you should really be doing instead of being here at this
party with your friends.
You really should be at home working on that thing.
Get all that shit done so that you don't feel bad.
See, because I hear you and I think that that's
100% accurate right but a lot of times I don't know what it is. I need a coach yourself
Well, that's what it is
And I I think but I do think a lot of this stuff is baked into some of that Catholic guilt
I do think I do think you can't feel good about yourself because it's
Subconsciously tells you, well then something bad
now will happen, right? It's this weird thing that, so I think sometimes I flirt with that because I
pretty much, you know, I do my writing and I do kind of say, all right, get into comedy,
got the whole family behind you, you need to do this, let's do this, but sometimes it's that
Catholic guilt, but I'm at a point in
my life now, I'm reading this book, Case for Christ.
You ever read this book?
No.
Case for Christ by this guy Lee Strobel.
I was very mad at Catholicism for a very long time because I grew up Catholic when I was
17, when our brains are forming is when all the Catholic shit came out, the priests raping,
all that stuff.
And I was like, well, fucking, I have Catholic tattoos all over my body already.
What am I supposed to do now?
I can't, I'm like, want to rip my tattoos off.
And I was very angry for a while.
Initially didn't want to get my kids baptized, came around, did it.
But then I read this book, Case for Christ, and I was like, wow, this guy's putting forward like very
compelling arguments for like, not only Jesus's existence, but his actual, like works being
real, like, like this all being fucking pretty real and pretty historically accurate. And
I was like, oh shit. And then so I started to like go back a little bit, right? And I
started to say, you know,
cause some of the things I'm even talking about
on the show are kind of like, you know, it's still me,
but it's like, it's not as, it's not as much as me anymore.
Cause I started to go back to church
and I started to feel like this, like, just like calmness
and almost like, even if it's forced,
like this forced connection.
Let me give you some advice.
Yes.
You know what your problems are, right? And
you know how you're doing when you're doing your best and you know the things that you're
doing that lead you to go astray, to go haywire, right? You know that, right? I think so, yeah.
You're really aware of that. If you were a coach and you were looking at you and you
know all this information,
you would give yourself very solid advice, right?
You would know.
Right, do that then.
Just have a coach in your head.
That's what I do.
I have like a part of my head that's like the general
that just tells me what the fuck we're doing.
I'm like, I don't wanna do this.
The general says, shut the fuck up and let's go.
And I'd listen to that part
Like have that that part in my head right? It's always there that knows this is gonna be fine You know what you know I handle this just handle it deal with it breathe go through it. Yeah, Vaughn
have like a set in your head of
ideals yeah of
Behavior that you're tolerating behavior that you're not tolerating, the way
to handle things when things come up.
And don't just dwell on every problem.
Instead, have this thing very rigid in your head.
This is what we're going to do.
Write it down.
Write it down.
Write down on a piece of paper, if this comes up, this is what we do.
We don't do this. We don't dwell on stupid shit.
We don't worry about nonsense.
We don't fucking fret about we don't sell our house because there's not a bagel
shop close, even though there was.
Yes. You don't write those things down.
Write those things down. Give yourself rock solid rules. Right.
And then go to those rules every time something comes up. Instead of just riffing it, just
winging it, being lost in this world of management of anxiety. Have rigid ideas in your head
of how you're going to handle it. It seems like you've gotten through the worst parts.
Sounds like your anxiety during basketball was fucking crazy.
Nuts, dude.
That sounds crazy.
I used to bite my toenails off until they bled because my nails, because I went through
my fingernails.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
So you got through that.
So you got through the worst.
So you know how bad it can be when it goes sideways and you know how to coach yourself.
Yeah.
Write all this stuff down.
Write it down in the future.
Write down like this is, these are problems that come up and this is how I Write it down in the future. Write down, like, this is, these
are problems that come up, and this is how I'm going to avoid these problems.
Well, you know what I think happens too is because of podcasting. Sometimes I'm like,
my girl said something to me once, interesting. She was like, you know, on these podcasts,
you talk about all these issues you have and whatever. She was like, but at home, you're like,
not that guy. Like, I don't know. Like, this stuff is like, you're never like talking to us about it
and you're never acting like that.
Like she was like, I see you writing and doing things,
but then you go on the pod and you're like,
look at this fucking, look at my brain.
So she's like, what?
Like don't feel like you have to just go on a podcast
and to try to be interesting, say all your,
she was like, do you feel that?
Sometimes, I never did until she said it.
I'm like, you know, I'll come onto a podcast,
like I came on today and said,
Chris, just come on, be confident, be who you are,
project yourself, you're doing good,
Joe and you are, you're closer now than you were two times,
just shut up and do it.
And then immediately I'm like like I'm a mistake.
Damn. So that's that's who I am. Right but you're not that way when you're at home, you're not that way when you're at your best. Quarter to my family. I wasn't that way. You might be leaning into it,
it might be a problem because like you do kind of think it's something to talk about that's
interesting and so you lean into it you make it be a problem, because you do kind of think it's something to talk about that's interesting,
and so you lean into it, you make it worse.
Yeah, because I mean, yesterday in the green room,
I wasn't like that, we were just fucking talking around,
hanging out, and I'll be that way tonight.
You didn't even seem a little anxious yesterday.
No.
Especially for someone who hadn't done standup
in six weeks.
No, I went out there, yesterday I had an eating,
and I did a 24 hour fast, so I was just,
I was like in my body yesterday.
I felt like a lot of, I mean, I know you've done it before,
but when you get on those fasts
and you just get like all this energy,
like I couldn't even sleep.
Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?
Yeah, I just loved it.
Yeah, the fact you get energy from fasting is very strange.
I've done a lot of 24 hours.
I haven't done anything more than that though.
I've been thinking about doing one of them three-day ones.
Yeah.
A lot of people I know that did three-day ones.
I heard that that's, I heard that George St. Pierre talked about it.
He does it three or four times a year.
I think it's probably really good to give your digestion a chance to rest.
Like, you're just constantly eating food.
Your body's like, Jesus, like more work.
Like, give it some time off.
Do you think it's possible, like in ancient times, that, because sometimes in the Bible
they'll say people lived to 400, 500 years old. Do you people live to 400 500 years old do you think it's not 400 but do you think it's
possible people were living to as long as 120 years old back then yeah maybe 120
yeah in a rare genetic case with very good nutrition in a blue zone some place
where there's a lot of minerals in the water yeah you might be able to it's
possible 120s people have gotten there before but the 500 years old like Noah Some place where there's a lot of minerals in the water. Yeah, you might be able to. It's possible.
120s.
People have gotten there before.
But the 500 years old, like Noah, like, oh, get the fuck out of here.
Well, I think it's true.
But I think it's one of those things where they probably just took birth, they took records
differently back then.
Mm-hmm.
Like, I think in China, I think you only celebrate your birthday once every 10 years.
Oh.
So you could be like, oh, I'm 500, but you're really not.
Well, that would mean you're five.
Yeah, exactly.
50.
But I think human beings biologically,
the only thing that's going to change how we age is science.
And they're pretty close to being able to do
that with a lot of things.
And there's a few things you could
do to mitigate aging today.
And it does work. It does help you. But 500 years old. It's most few things you could do to mitigate aging today. And it does work.
It does help you. But 500 years old. It's most likely that they just didn't know what
the fuck they were talking about.
350 years after the flood. He died at the age of 950. There you go. Terra was 128.
Pedophile.
Noah, as the last extremely long-lived anteluvian patriarchs, died 350 years after the flood at the age of 950 when terror was 128. The
maximum human lifespan as depicted by the Bible gradually diminishes thereafter from almost 1,000
years to 120 years of Moses. See what I'm saying? Now that's Old Testament, so you know, I don't
know, a lot of that stuff was story stuff. But dude, I'm telling you, this book, Case for Christ, the fucking history, it's not
even an opinion.
He's not saying I want you to believe.
He's like, here's the history, here's why we, dude, so like, if I told you, if I said
to you, Joe, you believe everything you've heard about Alexander the Great, right?
You believe it, you believe it, you know, he's fought in these battles, what they say that you just believe it's Alexander the Great, I'll read his biography.
You'd say, yeah, sure, but then you'd be like, oh, but I don't believe, they made the shit
up about Jesus.
Okay, Alexander the Great, because what you'll always hear is, well, the Gospels were written
100 plus years after Jesus died.
Alexander the Great's first biography was written like 300 years after he died. Alexander the Great's first biography was written like 300 years after he died. So that right there is like, well, Jesus' – the historians of Jesus were much closer in time
than, say, Alexander the Great. And even furthermore, back then, like the ancient Hebrews,
they didn't have – before writing, they didn't write anything, so they would memorize the
Old Testament and the Scripture. So you had guys that they would pass down, right?
They knew 5,000 pages of book at the side of their head.
So yes, the Gospels were 70 years later, but they were based off the accounts of people
who were living at that time and up to like 25 years after it, and they say, oh well,
game of telephone.
I can tell you something goes around the room,
telephone, by the time it gets to me,
you know, 10 people, what you just said is irrelevant,
it's a totally different thing.
I get it.
But what they said is, because of that ancient thing
of, you know, kind of having to pass down
these Old Testaments, because they couldn't write,
it would be like if you're playing a game of telephone,
but every person, I check with the person before
to make sure the word I'm saying is right.
And then I keep going.
So then it's gonna work, because you're constantly checking.
So that's what they said happened there.
And I was like, okay.
Well, okay, that's a little bit of confirmation bias,
because the real problem is like who said it originally?
So what?
And who decided what the words were originally?
Okay, that I get that, which is true, but just for Jesus, this book was saying that the reason why
they believe the historical accuracy of it is because basically his haters and the disciples
were both saying the same thing. So you have the Romans saying, yeah, this is what happened, who hated him.
And at that point would be like, get this guy out of here.
He's basically causing a revolt.
That's why we have to kill him.
He's like somebody getting, you know, a protestor today.
They were like, fuck this guy, he's out.
And so they were saying, yeah, what you're saying happened.
And then the disciples are saying it,
like a big thing is the resurrection, right?
People say, really?
He fucking resurrected from the dead?
And you're like, well, everybody agreed, haters, Romans, and the Jewish people, everybody agreed
he died.
That's 100%.
That's why when they stabbed him and they say water came out, it wasn't water, it was
fluid from his lungs because he was dead.
And that's what would happen to you or I when we die is we have this lung fluid that comes
out.
So that's what they said, oh, that's water.
And that's what they made him divinity.
But it was like a natural thing.
He's dead.
Everyone agrees.
And you say, well, they buried him in a tomb.
And then the next day or three days later, the tomb's empty.
And people like so, you know,
that made up.
And they say 500 people saw him in the town.
Romans and Hebrew, they saw him over the next couple of weeks.
500 independently sourced people, real, like corroborated, 500 people saw him.
So you say, okay, so there's that.
And then the other conspiracy theory is like, well, the disciples robbed his body.
The disciples just robbed his body because they don't want him, they would hand over
crucifixion victims to like the wild dogs.
That used to be the way it was.
If you got crucified, throw you in a pit, wild dogs eat you, or leave you on the cross,
birds will eat you.
That's how we deal with you.
So they're like, that's why they were taking his body. And then you see that, well, that's
probably not what happened. And the Romans themselves acknowledged there's no body in
that tomb that we put in there three days ago. The body is not there and we did it.
So in order to save ourselves, we're going to say the apostles robbed it. But in reality,
that's just a conspiracy because these apostles would have say the apostles robbed it. But in reality, that's just a conspiracy
because these apostles would have no reason to rob it.
So the Romans think the apostles robbed the body.
That's a conspiracy.
Why do you say conspiracy? You're saying a conspiracy to diminish the story.
No, no, no. I meant conspiracy in the sense of that's what people say as a reason why
the-
Do the Romans say that?
The Romans have said that. Romans have said that back then
and then I guess conspiracy is the wrong word because I'm not I'm not like it's a it's one
story one explanation I'll say explanation of but if you'd looked at it like what's the
most logical explanation is the most logical explanation that a dead guy came back to life
or the most logical explanation that someone took his body
because that's what the Roman said? I'm just because I'm in, I'm saying that that is that
came back to life one time and I'm not saying I'm crazy about it, I'm just saying you know what,
after reading that book there was enough things that happened that historical scholars who aren't religious some are believers
Some are not right or like this existed and this happened, but you're talking about historical scholars from
2,000 years ago and their knowledge of science and
Biology and life and the universe itself was extremely limited.
And so their entire fundamentals, like everything they believed in was based on mythology.
Everything was based on gods and demons and-
Okay, so then what about this?
Alright, fine.
What if the Romans, okay, they made it up, right?
I mean, I'm sorry, I mean, the Romans are correct.
The disciples took the body, who everyone agreed was dead. What about the 500 people that saw him
in the town over the next six weeks? Did you talk to those people? No. So who knows what they
believed, but who knows what they actually believed? Who knows how they said it? Who knows if it was a
religious thing? Look, there's, there's people that have mass hallucinations
all the time about a lot of things,
and there's people that you could give them false memory.
False memory is a real thing.
Someone can convince you that something happened
that didn't happen.
It's real.
It's like they've demonstrated how to do it.
We all know friends that have a memory of something, and you that's not what happened and then you say your version of it
And then everybody has to like figure out what really happened, right?
Oh, you're like, do you remember that time we're at the game and you said this I didn't say that like that was not me
Yeah, that was Mike. Yeah. Yeah, you're like what? Yeah. Yeah, you remember Mike lost his job. He was drunk
Do you remember and they're like, oh, yeah, like you thought it was me. You put it on me. It was like, yeah, you change things. Like people change
things. They also, your memory becomes a memory of your memory and not the actual memory itself.
It becomes a memory of the story you're telling. And so if this person was this significant
religious guru figure like Jesus was, right? And he really does have this amazing
view of how humanity can live in harmony.
And he really does talk to people about this and he really does preach
forgiveness and he really does like
treat everybody like they're the same, paupers and hookers, everyone.
Everyone's just
God's children, loved.
When that guy's gone, you're going to miss him, man.
You're going to miss him bad.
And if you really do have a fundamental view of reality that's based entirely on myth,
and you have connected this guy to the Son of Christ, or the Son of God, rather, this
figure that is brought here to save us, and the Romans took him from us and
killed him, and now he died for our sins, and the whole thing.
If you have that in your head, and then someone says, I saw him, I saw him too.
People see the Virgin Mary in a fucking grilled cheese sandwich.
People see things.
It doesn't mean those things aren't there.
It doesn't mean that isn't a vision, but it also does mean that
people see things that aren't, and there's a lot of people that are not that bright, they're not
smart and they're easily led and they're easily manipulated. It also doesn't mean that Jesus
wasn't real. Like all those things, but it's just the likelihood of someone coming back to life
is very low. The likelihood of someone taking his body is very high. So
if you used like Occam's razor, the simplest solution, the simplest answer is probably
what you're searching for. It's probably that someone took the body.
Right. Dude.
Where do they put it?
Well you could put it anywhere. Like no one knows where Genghis Khan is buried.
No.
Genghis Khan, they did the wildest thing with him.
They sent a pack of people to bury Genghis Khan, then they sent another pack of people
to kill the people that... Everybody that went to Genghis Khan's funeral was murdered.
They all got murdered by another group of people, and then those group of people got
murdered by a separate group to make sure that no one had any understanding at all about where Genghis Khan was buried.
Oh my God.
To this day, no one knows where he was.
I think thousands of people died to hide his burial.
But it's got to be somewhere in Mongolia.
Somewhere, yeah.
Yeah.
No one knows.
Yeah.
Maybe they could do LIDAR over the entire country and figure it out.
Well, somebody will proclaim that they found it at some point. Yeah. Maybe they could do LIDAR over the entire country and figure it out. Well somebody will proclaim that they found it at some point.
Maybe.
They have no idea.
They have no idea.
See if you can find that story because it's a pretty wild story.
What about people who they get canonized as saints because you exhume their body and they
haven't decayed at all?
That's like a big thing.
Yeah. What about those people?
Well, there's people, look, they found that guy
who died in the glacier that was thousands of years old.
You know, people's bodies in the right situations.
Okay, hold on a second, Marco Polo wrote,
even by the late 13th century,
the Mongols did not know the location of the tomb.
Secret history of the Mongols
has the year Genghis Khan's death, 1227, but no information concerning his burial. So, a frequently recounted tale, Marco Polo
tells that 2,000 slaves attended his funeral were killed by the soldiers sent to guard
them and that these soldiers in turn were killed by another group of soldiers which
killed anyone and anything that crossed their path in order to conceal where he was buried. Finally the legend states that when they
reach their destination they committed suicide. Wow. Oh they commit suicide. So
that no one will ever know where he was buried. Yeah. That's wild. That's pretty badass.
That's pretty badass. That's pretty badass. And and they were fucking monsters the
Mongolians. They would kill everybody on horseback. The best fighting force ever, some people say.
They killed 10% of the population. Damn.
They killed so many people that they lowered the carbon footprint of Earth during the time
he was alive. Because so many people died that all the places that they had deforested they chopped down the trees trees grew back right and it created more more trees so it created more oxygen
sucked out more carbon from the air because nothing's better at eating
carbon than trees yeah live off carbon dioxide so these you could do a core
sample and show these people killed so many people that they lowered
the carbon footprint of humans on earth.
That's pretty nuts.
They killed somewhere during his lifetime, somewhere between 50 and 70 million people,
depending on how you do the calculations.
So is there anybody, if you extrapolate that, did he kill more people than like Stalin and
Hitler?
Way more than percentage-wise.
Yeah, he killed more than anybody ever.
His people did, during his lifetime.
Because they conquered a giant swath of the world.
The Mongols, I think they were in control of like a quarter of Earth.
Dude, Asians are fucking brutal.
White people, we got the worst rap in history, but Asians fucking kill each other and are
so racist and hate each other like you can't imagine, dude.
You know like the rape of Nan King?
Yes.
Dude, it's like, white people never did that.
That was crazy. Bayonetting babies and shit.
Yeah, horrific.
And Genghis Khan. Sometimes I'm like, hey man, I get why people, I get we have our history,
but it's like so does fucking everybody else. Stop it.
It's also just brutal times require brutal people. I mean, that was a brutal time to be alive.
Yeah, right?
You can't-
Ruthless.
I read something about those times back,
this was more medieval times, this was interesting,
that sex was not taboo.
It was because we all had to live under one roof.
So sex was just animalistic to procreate
to get more bodies on the farm.
So you would watch your mom and dad have sex
right next to you.
It wasn't a thing about cleanliness or, you know,
I mean, I'm sure you had to get an erection and get wet,
so there had to be some type of something,
but it was like this wild thing where like,
this whole idea of taboo, of sex being taboo
and having terms for everything,
is pretty much like a new thing.
I read this whole thing about,
then an impotence court in France.
So back in the day, dude, there was this guy,
there's this guy who wrote this,
it's called Fucking History.
It's by the guy, the author's name's The Captain.
This guy's the man.
And it's cool, I read one page a day
and it's about different times in history,
kind of apply to today,
but this one thing I read about was the 1600s,
there was an impotence court.
So if you could get divorced,
if your wife or any, if you wanted a divorce,
the wife wanted a divorce,
the only way out was you had to go to this court
and you had to prove that your husband is impotent
and can't get his dick up.
So the court were there and
then you'd have to perform the act. And if the husband couldn't get it up, you have to
have sex in front of people, couldn't get it up, would grant you the divorce because
that was the only grounds that it was necessary for.
Right, because he needed procreation.
You need a procreation. That's what this is about.
So he wouldn't deny a woman's ability to procreate. The man can't get an erection so you could leave him.
And then I think if he did prove his manhood and have sex with her and get a hard on and
come I think then he had the legal right to kill her for even taking him to court.
So if you can fuck her in front of everybody then he can kill her?
Yeah.
Isn't that like wild how times used to, because if you were a fucking brutal man.
It's not that long ago.
No.
Like we have the same brain as them, right?
We're just more civilized.
It's not like our brain has went over
this insane evolution yet.
Exactly.
I have that guy's brain.
Everybody does.
But I just don't do it.
Like I'm not, I guess we're more societal pressures
not to do it.
Well, also society has changed
where we have more access to information.
We know how other people feel. Back then they didn't care. Dude, isn't that what? Like the smartest, like the Elon
Musks and the, you know, Stephen Hawkins of like that time thought like the, they
thought that the Sun went around the Earth and they were, I mean the, yeah, the
Sun went around, like they, no, the earth was the center of the universe. The earth was the center of the universe.
And like they were as confident as our smart people saying,
we are positive that it's the other way.
Sort of, but when Copernicus and all these different people
figured out that that wasn't the case, Galileo-
No, I know that, but I'm saying,
so what do you think today we believe in
that we will be disproved in a major way like because as as dis you know when they when Copernicus and Galileo
Came out and said I'm sure it's the other way. I have the proof and then everybody was like wait what what do you think today?
Is where we're believing as fact even you and me are believing, but it's gonna be disproven is what if you had a hunch
What do you think it is? That's an interesting question.
Thank you.
I don't know.
I don't know what it'd be, obviously.
Because obviously, if this is a thing
that we all believe today,
like how the fuck could I know
that that would be the thing that would?
You should read this part of the,
this is about the impotence court.
It's all, like, but this, I got to this funny part
where you should read the start line.
The unhappy?
Yes, the start line.
The unhappy couple would then be subject to separate examinations to speculate groping
by surgeons, physicians, and midwives.
Speculative, excuse me, groping by surgeons, physicians, and midwives.
A husband's natural parts were scrutinized for color, shape, and number.
The best thing he could hope for were the inspectors of delicate demeanor. Various
hypotheses were created. Could he muster an erection? Expel reproductive fluids on
demand? Was he capable of healthy performance? Or had he been forcing his
partner into, how do you say that word? Lascivious? Lascivious. Lascivious
positions without the promise of coming children.
That means butt fucking. As could be expected, many withheld, many wilted under pressure.
According to the reports of a trial in Rhymes, R-E-H Rhymes, the experts waited around a fire.
Many at time did he call out come come now?
But it was always a false alarm the wife laughed and told them do not hurry so for I know him well
The expert said after that never had they laughed as much nor slept as little as on that night
Oh my gosh, there's laughing this poor fucking guy freaking out there. I got it. I got a hard on
She's like he ain't got shit shit. Oh my god
I mean, I couldn't do that if you want to ask me to fire. I mean, it's very difficult
It's cry. There's no way to be able to get hard. Imagine you're in court and you got a fuck
Yeah, I was saying that a divorce was illegal then okay
Most of these would have to come from the women and most of their majority like 20% of the cases
It was from nobility. So like rich women were saying oh boy husband can't get a hard
So they have to and then you but then you would have to prove it. I'm not that's real
Yeah, and then it was on whichever partner
Actually was found to not be able to get it up had to pay for the court proceedings and lawyers and everything
They were checking a woman's wetness
Like what do you mean?
The other way they could see the woman's impotent or a woman can'tness? Like what do you mean? In theory, it could happen the other way.
They could see the woman's impotent.
Or a woman can't give birth.
That's a big thing.
You can't give birth to sons.
Yeah, that was a big thing.
King Henry VIII, right?
He killed all his wives and he was the one
that was controlling the sex.
But science didn't know that yet.
The thing is also that, boy,
when human beings used to have fertility rituals,
like they were always trying to reproduce
because people died so early.
Yeah.
Like people died of everything.
They died of broken leg, dead, injury, dead,
you know, infection, dead, blood infection, sepsis, dead.
Everybody just died.
Like that's when people look at like the average age
of people back then, oh, people only lived to 30.
That's really because there was so much infant mortality and infant mortality
and childhood mortality factors in there because like half your kids are gonna die.
It's not like today you have five kids, the five kids are at my grandfather's
house, hey everybody's grown up now they have kids of their own, way back then
everybody died. So you're saying back then there were still plenty of 50, 60
and 70 year olds walking around. There's probably a few you know like
dodge bullets and made it to that way and fucking pulled arrows out of their
back but the bottom line is like it's the same... what's that guy's boner? Why are you showing us this?
This gets into saying that like it had to go... big dicks were an issue back then or
something they were using this statue as a scarecrow in many places because it
would threaten rape so it just
Scared people away from the gardens and whatnot. It's like
The I see a big boner and that would keep people from raping people
Oh on these folks crazy cheese. Yes, and that's them soft. Look at that guy. Look at that soft. That guy's a liar
No way. Perfect. That's what I have no circumcision back then either or maybe there was I don't know. No.
They said they would parade them around on
comic stages of Athens until the fourth century. Giant members. Wow, giant members. Guys with giant hogs. Yeah. Wow.
Okay. What's that word? Tumescent.
Where do you see that? Perhaps the abundance of Tumescent dicks. Tumescent. Pied a roll. Tumescent, it sounds eloquent. Maybe the abundance of two mess and dicks to mess into hide a roll. I'm messing it sounds eloquent
Maybe um the abundance of giant be giant hog. Yes, what does it mean?
Have you ever used that I've never too mess and now okay swollen swollen
Hard dicks, I mean everybody probably tie their dick off
Right get a boner to probably tie a little rope around the base of their balls and everything and yeah, keep it hard
Look at I got here. Look at my fire
I don't even I think back then too. I think that soldiers I read a lot of stuff about the
Roman soldiers, I think Greek soldiers were like, you know had wives and kids but on the battlefield night before was totally okay to be gay
You have an intimate relationship because they thought you have to
Be in love with the man you're protecting next to you in order to protect him in the right way
That's what the Spartans felt right? That's what it was. Yeah, because that's who it was then
Yeah, but there's a lot of like gay sex going on back then
I think people did a lot of gay stuff and a lot of pedastry bestiality, right?
I think like I think we have a lot of terms now for shit, but I think back then, like James Buchanan,
who was the president before Abraham Lincoln, they used to call him, he didn't have a wife,
he had a senator who was like, they would call him Aunt Nancy.
That was like their nickname for him because they were like, these two guys are gay, right?
But the public at the time knew that, but didn't care.
You being, your sexuality was never in the minds of the American voter in the 1800s.
That came later.
I don't know when it came, but I was fascinated to read that I was like, oh wow, back then
when you think that, you know, people must have been much more conservative back then,
they were like, no, we don't give a shit at all.
Like just do get the country in order.
And actually it plays a part because James Buchanan
being possibly gay and with this guy calling him an anti,
the Senator boyfriend of his was a Senator from the South.
And it was James Buchanan's presidency
because he was giving all these favors
to they think his boyfriend of that state
that tipped the balance scales
and kind of caused the Civil War.
That's what they say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't have the hard facts on it,
but I remember reading that and I was like,
yo, that's fucking wild.
Where like you just bat,
like Abraham Lincoln kind of took over a country
that was the roller coaster had went down.
He could not stop it.
And they say that he really sided with the, kind of freeing the slaves and the North and the union because
they had much more soldiers and were much bigger than the South. But like, if that was
the other way, Lincoln wasn't at the time, you know, you can make up what you want and
some people agree and disagree, but it's like he was going with what he thought was best to preserve the union.
Not necessarily, you know, I think slavery at that time, a lot of people started to be
like, this is gross now, stop doing it.
But I read a thing too where it was just geography where they said if the cotton plantations
were in the North, you would have had the slaves and we would have been the non-slave
holder.
So like we had to do that with the, of course they didn't,
but they would say we had to do that with the technology.
At the time, this is what we had to,
we needed the manpower
and they were the only people who would do it.
It's really just that they could do it.
They could, right. They could do it.
Well, you know. They definitely didn't have to.
Yeah, because, you know, I read this thing about, you know.
They could have just paid people.
Well, like, and, and native, you know, because, you know,
they were saying like where the
specific place, I forgot where it was, specific, tumulant, specific place they got the slaves
from in Africa were people who were very kind, like giving people, there wasn't any war there,
so they believed you.
If you said come with me, I'll come with you,
because I listen.
You know, like we're all at peace here where we are,
so why wouldn't I come with you?
And then, you know, the Portuguese were enslaving them
and putting them on these ships.
And then that's just how,
that's where they were able to get them from that part.
Like they knew that, which is like really sinister,
that these are good people that are just,
their culture is to follow.
But then you have like the Native Americans who were on the land at the same time in America
and you couldn't enslave them because they would be like, no, we're fighting everybody
around us because they could have subjugated them too.
I forgot what book it was, but I was reading, but they couldn't, they just couldn't.
It was like wild horses.
So they purposely went to a place where the culture was
for the Be Kind people.
And I was like, oh, that's like a really horrible part
of like the human brain,
even though I know at that time things were different,
but I'm like, that's pretty just evil to do that.
There's a lot of evil in history.
History's flooded with evil.
It's almost, there's almost no instances
of people not being evil. And there's scientific discovery. Every culture, by the way. Every culture. It's almost there's almost no instances of people not being evil and there's every culture
By the way every cold it's not it's not just one group every culture. I saw this one thing
I can't I'm blanking on all these things that I read it where who we are as homo sapiens
I'm sure you know this like like there's like
However, many groups of homo sapiens there were like, you know different types of humanoids but us homo sapiens whether
Our type was the most vicious type. That's why we won
so this idea of war is oh is in our head because that's what's deep baked in our DNA because we were the one that won out to
You know evolve into humans so we have it in our thing
So when people are like not like we're warlike because that's just that's in our brains no So when people are like, not like we're warlike
because that's just, that's in our brains no matter what.
And if you don't, if you're not physical,
some would say like me, not physical,
I'll create a war in my brain.
But what keeps me going is war.
What keeps me going is a problem
that I have to fix like that.
So I was like, oh, that was interesting.
I don't know if any of it's founded.
Well, we're certainly hardwired for conflict.
Right? Yeah, humans are hardwired.
I mean, there's no one today that's rational that believes that in three years we'll have
no war on earth.
Right.
Or, I mean, could you imagine a time with no war anywhere on earth?
You can't.
No, that's not possible.
Humans do war, which is the thing that everyone's the most fearful of.
The most terrifying things in history are war, and we just, even though we know that, and most people don't want war, we assume there will never be a time with
no war, which is a crazy thought. Here's a, you asked me earlier, why do you think
the NYPD is not, you know, why do you think the city's going to fail? Here's a
conspiracy, I guess you'd call this a conspiracy, or maybe an explanation,
again, from one of my cop friends. He's like, you know why they're doing that?
He's like the high, high up people, you know why they're doing that?
He's like the high, high up people,
those people that don't even exist on paper,
that are worth 10 times as much as Elon Musk and whatever.
Those guys, they want AI in,
they want it in the police forces,
they want it in the world,
so what they're doing is they're causing chaos here,
and they're gonna cause so much chaos
that we're gonna beg to just be ruled by AI.
We're going to beg for an indifferent AI piece of machinery that sees it in black and white
and will do the right things, put the criminals in jail, is who will be ruling this city.
It's going to take some time, but that's what it is.
Do cops tell you that?
A cop told me that.
Wow.
I mean, I was like, I didn't dismiss him.
I was like, it makes sense.
And he was being like, that's what it is. What else could it be? And I was like, I don't
fucking know, man.
It's, it's the, the idea. I don't think they're thinking that far in advance, honestly. I
think the ideology of these woke people, it's, it's really a cult. And the cult is that there is some institutional racism that has caused
all these people to be locked up and the only solution is to just let them out
and when they commit crime it's because of institutional racism let's put them
in that position that's where they're committing crime and the only solution
is to let them out and to just tolerate it. Right. And this is to try to break this cycle, which is ridiculous.
That's not how to do it.
The way to do it is to make wherever they live to enrich it,
so that it's not so crime-ridden and gang-ridden
that there's other ways out.
Right.
So people don't lose their lives being
connected to the culture of wherever they're at,
because it's just so criminally entrenched. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it's just that they don't they're not
thinking that far in advance. I think most of the people that are propagating
this stuff but I also think we're being influenced by other countries. I think
we're being influenced by social media, which is also being influenced by
foreign actors that are doing things and saying things and promoting things specifically to degrade our confidence in our system.
Yeah. Because we are the only system that's like this. We're the
first experiment in self-government in the world that we're aware of other than
the Greeks, obviously. But the Greeks did it out of psychedelics. Right. They
learned to develop democracy. I think, I believe that too, and I think that
maybe that's something that in the future, like we're living through it now, but in the
future they'll be like, oh remember when the years those people were on social media and
they got into all these wars and destroyed the planet if it gets there because of these
things that weren't even real. It's going to be history. The influence of it is going
to be measured. It's going to be monitored. It's going to be, the influence of it is going to be measured.
It's going to be monitored.
It's going to be a very hotly discussed topic because it's controversial even today while
it's happening and the evidence is irrefutable.
The evidence of its presence is irrefutable, but there's still some people that don't think
that that's what's causing it.
I think it's certainly exacerbating it at the very least.
I don't know if it's caused it, but the infiltration of the education
institutions by other countries is well documented too. They know what they're doing and it's working.
I mean, Yuri Besmanov talked about a thousand times, unfortunately. The video from 84. I saw it. All that stuff is crazy.
He laid the plan. Yeah, that's, they were talking about this in 84. Yeah. It's actually, the chickens have come home to roost.
It's really, it's really going on right now now Yeah, you're seeing that on college campuses today. I was crying. Oh, New York Columbia University. Yeah nuts. It's it's all in those
They're cult people. They're basically in like this weird
Societal collapse cult they want society as it stands right now
They think it's fundamentally terrible and it should be destroyed.
So like those people, when we speak about these people
that want this and want that,
do you think like there's things about the universe
that they know for a fact and they're as human as you and I
and they just know it and this is why they do what they do?
Like, they're speculating.
I don't think they're thinking that far in advance.
That's the thing I'm thinking of,
the problem with all of this is no one's take,
like freedom of speech.
If you take away people's freedom of speech
because you think they're wrong and you're right,
the problem is then someone else who comes along
can also take away your freedom of speech.
If they get into power, if they think you're wrong,
you gotta have people be able to talk about things
so you can figure out what's right and what's wrong
and sort things out and find out what's true,
what's not true, what's...
The only way to do that is freedom of speech and you have to allow people to do that even
if they say things that you don't enjoy, you don't want to hear.
It's better to have someone refute that and work it out than to silence people.
As soon as you don't think that, then you've silenced discourse.
If you silence discourse, discourse you fucked up all progress
Oh, well now people are just gonna cling to whatever it is like what the
Reason why they went after Galileo or the way because people have like an entrenched set of beliefs
And they don't want to any time to come along and challenge that and anything that does the squash that yeah
They'll kill you they'll fucking torture you and that's the time right now the puritanical. Yeah, yeah
Yeah
It's very similar to that the the woke stuff is very similar to religion in a lot of ways like you you it's absolute
Inherence anyone who deviates at all is cast out of the kingdom
There's there's they attack you it's just like a cult right
I think I think it's lost a lot of I mean it feels like it's lost a lot of
More of its power now it feels like it's lost a lot more of its power now.
It feels like most people are like, well just, well, you know.
People are coming out of the fever heat, the haze of it all, like what the fuck was going
on?
And I think they're more aware of how crazy it all is now than ever before.
Yeah.
But there's still a lot of people on universities especially that are just deeply entrenched.
And it's also their identity. It's a way that they could be interesting. It's a way that are just deeply entrenched. And it's also their identity,
it's a way that they could be interesting,
it's a way that they can get social status.
Status is a big factor,
is a giant factor in how people behave
and why they do what they do.
And it's certainly, social media is the worst for that.
Because so many people,
they post these cringey things on social media,
like, I know what you're doing.
You're just fishing for likes, you fucking weirdo.
See, I think we all starting to know that now,
because I remember when I was, when my daughter,
who's eight now, was like one or two,
we had a friend and they were giving their kid,
who was like, I think 10, social media as a birthday gift.
You would hear that a lot.
I'm gonna give my kid social media,
but now nobody would do that.
Now we would know like how poison that is for a kid. And that was just five, six years ago where people
weren't aware of the kind of dangers of it all. That might be a thing where people when they were
smoking cigarettes didn't know that they were killing themselves and the smoking industry was
allowed to just camp, promote. That might be that. That might be the thing of the future. It's so pervasive though.
I think it's going to turn into something even crazier.
I think with AI, the introduction of AI and then newer technology that allows some other
form of communication, it's just going to get even weirder.
I just think this is the reality that we're living in.
We are a technological society.
We are technology creating species,
and we're gonna keep going.
Just keep it going, and then you think the first person
who might live forever with their conscious
uploaded into an AI is alive right now?
I don't know.
It's possible.
I mean, if that actually happens,
I don't know if that happens.
Yeah, I think something happens.
I think for me to speculate would be kinda crazy,, but I think something something wild is gonna happen pretty soon
I think with AI and the way AI is progressing that it's gonna be smarter than every human being alive inside of five years
Oh, yeah
Where does that take us and what?
Do we find ourselves in a position like your cop friend said where AI has to govern the country?
Because that does make sense but the problem is like who is in charge of the AI?
Who gets to program the AI? Right. Because AI is not immune to being programmed
We saw with that Google AI that the founding fathers are all black
Show us a photo of a poet with a black eye Asian lady Yeah, yeah, it's like it doesn't know how to avoid the woke bullshit that it's been programmed with not yet
but it could adapt it could adapt and if it does adapt and it becomes objective and it actually has
Smart decisions that would benefit the entire country as a whole people are gonna want to listen to it because it's gonna be
period us and it's not gonna have the greed and deception built into it
that human beings do it's not gonna be supposedly influenced by money yeah but
of course I mean yeah well it becomes sentient then it doesn't you know right
now it's controlled by people it's it's but if it becomes something that designed
itself you know it surpasses the design of human beings and creates its own But if it becomes something that designed itself,
if it surpasses the design of human beings and creates its own version of itself,
but a far superior version of it,
and then we allow that thing to lead us.
So what we gotta do is find jobs
that you just wanna be towards the back of the line,
because AI is gonna start to take over job after job.
But comedian, we're pretty far down the line.
I mean, I know AI could
take us over in on TV and on the internet. Well live performances are still going to be a thing.
Live sports are still going to be a thing. So you're at the back of the line for AI.
I mean they're trying to hold off technology in sports but by limiting
steroid use right? Because what is steroid use? It's manipulating chemicals
in order to achieve a superior human being physically.
A superior specimen that can do things that an average person can't.
Like when you look at bodybuilders, that is not possible without technology.
No. There's no way you don't get that big.
That's crazy. You're not supposed to be that big.
Yeah. Like those people are that big because of human invented technology that allows you
to introduce massive amounts of
hormones in your system that don't make any sense and you're fucking 350 pounds, you're
5'7", that's crazy.
Yeah.
But there's people like that in the world.
Yeah, yeah, they're monsters.
Monsters.
And I heard that, you know, I was always taught that steroids will give you cancer, that all
these bad things, but I read recently, that was just based off one study a while ago that
steroids done right is actually not healthy, but it's not going to kill you if you do these things right.
Where are all the bodies?
That's the thing.
There'd be so many bodies.
There's so many bodies of people who smoke cigarettes.
There's so many bodies of people who drank themselves to death.
And there are bodies for people that did overdo steroids and wind up having heart attacks
and stuff.
But God, there's a lot of people that did it and didn't have anything go wrong with
it.
Yeah, yeah. It gets tempting, you know?
That's that documentary, Bigger Stronger Faster?
That's probably what it was, yeah.
Yeah.
Bigger Stronger Faster.
Yeah, because I just started taking creatine like three weeks ago and I feel like fucking
awesome.
Creatine is great for your brain.
Yes, I, yeah.
There was a study recently that showed that creatine mitigates the effects of lack of
sleep too.
Wow.
Yeah, so if you have a lack of sleep and you take creatine, it's supposed to increase your
performance and things and makes it so that the lack of sleep doesn't really affect you
nearly as much.
Yeah, it says on my bottle not to take the creatine with caffeine.
It says don't do that.
My powder, naked creatine, it says don't mix this with caffeine.
And then I read it's because they counterbalance the effects of each other somehow.
Hmm, that makes sense. You're taking it and you're counterbalance the effects of each other somehow. So it's like you're taking it
and you're not getting the full benefit of it.
Yeah, creatine is actually a nootropic.
It actually helps brain function.
Interesting.
Creatine does a lot of good things.
Well, you gotta think about, right,
it helps your body hold more water, right?
Which is one of the things that makes you stronger.
Because it allows you to hold more water,
you get a little bigger, stronger.
But people would always say you get bloated and fat,
which that's not true either.
You can get bloated from many things.
You definitely can get a fatter face
if you have more water in your face.
But it's also, it's like, what are you eating?
Well, I'm saying, I've been on creatine
for upwards of a month now,
and I feel my performance is going up in the gym.
I'm a little bigger, but I haven't lost,
my scale number is the same.
I think I've lost body fat.
Well that's probably because you're working hard.
I think that creatine is a very overall positive supplement.
I don't think there's any negatives associated with creatine.
I'm sure you could probably overdo it,
like you could overdo anything.
Anything.
Creatine is one of the safer supplements,
like performance supplements.
Yeah, creatine, yeah.
And it's good for you in a lot of ways. It's actually a part of food, right?
Isn't creatine from food itself?
It's in steak.
I take creatine and a scoop of sauerkraut
for the fermented food every day, baby.
I love sauerkraut.
How great is it?
A hot dog with sauerkraut and some brown mustard.
The kind of hot dog that's snap.
Oh, baby.
Talk to me. Even though the bun's bad bad for you who cares. Let's go who gives us what they say the hot dog is bad for you, right?
Communists yes exactly if it snaps in your mouth like those really good kosher hot dogs. Oh, love it, dude
Yeah
Good dude. Yeah, so many foods that are so good that are so bad for you
Yeah, like the other day two sleeves of Oreos in one sitting damn damn son, and I didn't even milk
Oh, yeah, got it milk was going wild. Did you dunk dunk them all but I did it in my fasting window
So I didn't feel too bad about myself. Oh, there you go. There it is. You knock it out. There you go
But I people can eat man. Yeah, they'll go fucking wild for me. It's anything carbs
Yeah, they'll go fucking wild for me. It's anything carbs, right?
Pizza that's when that's my cheat stuff, right? I'm gonna have a meal where I know I'm not supposed to eat it, but I'm just gonna enjoy it
It's always like pizza carbs pasta lasagna. Yeah, just go fucking wild, but then I just stop afterwards
Okay, we did it. I think I might have told you this the last time I was here, but my father is a big eater
He ate an entire tray of lasagna one day,
like in front of us, like throughout the day at Christmas,
he was ate the entire tray of lasagna.
Then he slept on my house and he woke up
in the middle of the night with chest pains.
And him and his wife, my stepmom were, wake me up
and like, dad's, I don't know what's going on,
like he can't walk, he's like out of, he's going,
can't breath, chest pain, right?
Goes to the hospital, they, you know, hook him up to the machines,
whatever, do some tests, days overnight, they call me the next day,
they said, hey man, you know, we're sorry,
looks like your dad here has congestive heart failure,
you know, this can be a year, four years,
but he has congestive heart failure. I mean, his fluids are backing up, and, you know, so we just want to let you know, this can be a year, four years, but he has congestive heart failure. I mean, his fluids are backing up and, you know, so we just want to let you know we're
going to release him, but this is the protocol and the medicines and all that.
So now I'm going down to the hospital like, oh my God, like this is it.
Time's running out with my dad.
And then, and then took me about 45 minutes to get there.
I get there and I guess they continue doing tests, and I walk in,
and the people are there, the doctor, and I say, you know, I was briefed, you know,
I understand he has congestive heart failure, like, what do we have to do?
Can you, like, explain that to me?
And they were like, you know what?
We re-ran the tests, we gave, had given him a diuretic.
Your father had eaten so much sodium in one sitting
that it made our, I swear to God,
it made our machines convince us
that he had congestive heart failure,
but in fact he had eaten so much sodium
because of the food that he ate
that this diuretic, once the fluid cleared,
his heart, he has a slight arrhythmia,
but nothing like congestive heart failure
that was purely from the sodium.
That's crazy.
And I was like, Dad, that's fucking nuts.
You almost killed yourself with lasagna.
With lasagna.
And now, and he's extreme, and now my dad's lost 120 pounds
intermittent fasting, he looks phenomenal,
but he said he's lightheaded all the time,
and I'm like, well, what are you eating?
And he said, one half of a tuna fish sandwich a day.
That's all he eats. Oh, he went the other way. I'm like, Dad, what are you eating? And he said, one half of a tuna fish sandwich a day. That's all he eats.
I'm like, dad, can we get a little balance here?
Because now, and he's like, I said,
what did you do to lose all this weight?
He said, I ate a tuna fish sandwich and I walk in the pool.
I was like, yeah, but dad, you're eating,
you're gonna, like, you could kill yourself that way now.
Yeah, you're gonna fuck your heart up.
Yeah, man.
Your body starts robbing its tissue
if it doesn't get enough protein.
It starts eating your muscles.
Yeah.
Yeah, don't do that.
No, I told him to try to eat more.
Just eat.
I was like, dad, just eat in those windows.
He's like, I wanna be ripped.
I'm like, you're 77 years old.
He's 77, he's trying to get ripped.
I was like, you look like you're wearing a dress. It's fat, it's fun, you look great, dad.
It's not about what your abs now.
And then-
70, 70, 30, the abs.
Yeah, yeah, and they have like a funny relationship.
He'll be like, oh, you know, you believe
my fucking wife over here is 60.
He's like, I should trade her in for two 30 year olds, huh?
And my wife, my son was always like,
I'd like to see you try, you fat fuck.
If you could bring home a 30 year old, I'm glad that you'd give you the divorce. And then he'll be like, oh, I'm gonna trade her in for two 30 year olds, huh? And my wife, my son was always like, I like to see you try, you fat fuck. If you could bring home a 30 year old,
I'm glad that you'd give you the divorce.
And then he'll be like, oh, I'm gonna kill her,
I'm gonna bury her in the backyard.
I'm like, this is the kind of couple fighting
that's just like old school.
That's fun to see.
Cause I have one example of divorce in my family.
My mom and dad got divorced,
but then my dad remarried, my stepmom,
and they've been married 35 years.
So I see like kind of two things on like how it works one way and not the other way type thing. It's interesting the way that
they fight their old school.
Dad sounds very extreme gambling. Now he's addicted to not eating.
What does that equal though? Fun. That guy. Nobody's more fun than my fucking dad. I mean
while people are fun, funny, fun guys. I mean, when I had my first daughter,
we told them, you know, you can't come into the delivery room.
You know, it's just me, my girl,
and my mom and her mom.
That's what she wants, you know, women and whatever.
So my dad, I tell him that, he's like,
all right, you know, whatever.
And then I call him, obviously when her water broke,
we're giving birth, and dude, her water broke in the middle, we were watching that movie, Mad Max with Tom Hardy obviously when her water broke, we're giving birth, and dude, her water broke
in the middle, we were watching that movie,
Mad Max with Tom Hardy, and her water broke,
and I loved that movie, we were right at the end,
I was like, is there any way, we got like 10 minutes left,
and she was like, get to the fucking hospital!
I know, like an idiot.
So we get, but, so she's giving birth,
like crowning like it's happening, and my dad walks in,
because he's just like, this my first time my grandkid
My first grandkid I walk in and I was like dad like you cannot at all be here like and he was like, yeah
It's you know, like you're here. I want to be here and I'm like there. Nobody feels comfortable
Like I don't give a fuck but like she doesn't want you here at all
And she was like get out of here like it was like this whole thing and then as he's leaving like right before he goes He goes I'll be in the I'll be in the waiting room. Just let me know and she was like, get out of here. Like it was like this whole thing. And then as he's leaving, like right before he goes, he goes, I'll be in the, I'll be in
the waiting room. Just let me know. And I'm like, okay. You know, like we're in the middle
of the birth. And he's like, by the way, Chrissy, Yankees got rocked last night. You got it.
This team sucks. And I was like, all right, the nurse, everybody's laughing. Cause they're
like, what is this guy screaming about the Yankees for, his birth?
And then, you know, we had my baby,
and then he was like, it's a girl, I said yeah.
And you know, great, and he was like, oh man,
he was like, I was hoping for a boy, hoping for a boy.
I'm like, you went out to gender reveal,
you fucking knew it was gonna be a girl, dude.
What do you mean you were hoping for a boy?
And then, he told me though, he was like, you know, if I was still in the throes of my gambling, he's like, I
would have gambled with your uncle's on your kid's gender. I would have put a bet down.
I would, I would have had to put my money on it. That's how deep it got. I was like,
that's wild, dude. He was like, I would have did it if I wasn't in control. I would have
did it. I would have gambled on it. I would have gambled on the, on her, the kid's birthday.
I would have gambled on it all. We would have come up with real, you know, he was like, there was action on everything always. Wild.
There's action. There's action on that impotence court too.
What have we got now?
Oh, they were gambling. They were gambling on how long they would take
to prove if they could actually do it or not. Yeah.
There was this story of a guy that tried for 15 hours.
You imagine that poor fuck?
15 hours trying to get it out.
I think the French to this day, I think you're allowed to cheat on your wife in France.
As long as you don't fall in love with someone else, you're allowed to step out and have
sex but like it'll get you in trouble but like a night out with the guys drinking beers
got you in trouble.
Like you're not going to get divorced unless you fall in love, then you're out.
But I'm almost positive French men can have sex
with women outside their marriage
and their wives don't really care,
it's just French culture.
You think that's nuts?
It's definitely, well, France is being invaded
by Muslims now.
Not invaded, but like I think 25% of France
essentially lives like under like almost a form of Sharia law now
No, shit. I was talking about that recently
Someone's explained that to us like how much you know, cuz so many
Muslim immigrants have moved into European places. Yeah, and they're trying to change like they've changed neighborhoods
They've changed the way people behave the way you're allowed to behave. Yeah, I I're trying to change like they've changed neighborhoods. They've changed the way people behave right allowed to behave
yeah, I I was gonna go to
Dubai just three weeks ago and
You know, it's the most progressive place
I think I've heard in the in the Middle East but even with that there was certain like I couldn't you know
You know if something I've been to joke around like oh my friends think I'm gay
They said you can't do any of that,
do not even mention that on stage.
Then they said, no jokes about your government,
our government, do not mention Muslim faith at all
or religion at all.
And if you take videos of anything, anywhere,
you can be arrested without the proper permission.
So-
Really?
Like if you take videos of buildings?
Yeah, there's a kid, TikToker, who went to prison
for a year, he's in prison right now,
cause he took unauthorized videos of like the public square
in Dubai. What?
Yeah, and he got thrown in prison.
And that hat, so all that was happening
when I was about to go.
I was going on the, we were going on the trip
in like two days.
It was my girl's-
So how would you have to reorganize your act? So that's what I was like to go. I was going on the trip in like two days. It was my girl's. So how would you have to reorganize your act?
So that's what I was thinking about. And I was like, you know, so this was again, just
three, three, four weeks ago we were going, I only said yes to the gig because it was
my girl's 40th birthday. And she was like, what a great, like we should do it in Dubai.
I was like, I really don't want to go. She was like, the show is on her birthday, April
17th. So I was like, all right, we'll go. And then, but I was having, I really don't want to go. She was like, it's the show is on her birthday, April 17th. So, so I was like, all right, we'll go.
And then, but I was having all this anxiety, not even anxiety.
It was more like, you know, like one of my, you know, I have a friend who, you know, gay, gay,
Mateo Lane, you know, Mateo Lane, you know, Mateo, great comic, unbelievable.
One of the most talented people I've ever seen in my life can cook comedy, great comedy fucking.
And then, you know, I was talking to Dubai,
talking to the shows in Dubai with him,
and he was like, yeah man, he was like,
I would love to go to Dubai, but like, I'm gay,
I just, I wouldn't even be allowed in.
And I was like, wow, that's fucking wild,
why am I going to this place?
And I'm starting to think about it, right?
Even though I know the people of Dubai are progressive
and cool and whatever, but I was like,
what's the point of all this?
And then that day, the night before,
I'm sorry, of our flight from JFK to Dubai,
Iran and Israel got into that little skirmish,
remember that, where people were like,
World War III, Israel's going to invade Iran,
Dubai borders with Iran.
So I was like, I don't wanna go. I was like, I know that it's probably safe,
but I was like, I actually don't wanna be at,
why am I going there?
Why are we going to where there's a possible conflict,
it's boarding with the country,
even though I know Dubai will be safe,
I know it's a safe place, I get it.
But like, what am I doing over there?
Why are you and I, me and my girl going,
our kids are back home, what happens if there is a war
and we can't get home?
What's the point of all this?
Like what is it?
And she was like, you know what, like then cancel.
I just had like this gut feeling.
And then two days later is when the Dubai airports flooded.
Did you see all that?
Yeah.
That's my show got canceled.
The venue flooded.
You could not get anywhere.
And you had already canceled anyway?
I had canceled it anyway.
The fear that I had was Israel-Iran, but then two days later it was the flooding.
Was that because of cloud seeding?
That's what they say.
I mean, partially.
I mean, not 100% that, but there was like a weird low pressure zone where they did cloud
seed, but the clouds didn't move for a few days or something like that.
Okay.
Yeah. So that's what happened is it got flooded and I didn't go at all.
And that's why Christ, that's why I'm with Christ. Okay.
Yeah. Let's wrap this up. Chris, great talking to you. Love you too, buddy. Love you, babe.
Thank you so much. My pleasure. It was fun. Yeah Bye everybody