The Tim Dillon Show - 383 - Biden’s SOTU & The Lazarus Drug
Episode Date: March 9, 2024Tim dives into President Biden’s State of the Union, justice arriving for the Gilbert Goons, being a prosecutor, super commuting versus forever renting and homeless people’s favorite ice cream. A...merican Royalty Tour 🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/ SPONSORS: FUM Start the Good Habit at https://tryfum.com/TIM to save 10% off the Journey Pack today. Gametime Get The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM' Morgan & Morgan: For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. Joe Biden looked good. He did. He looked
very good. I mean, he's old. We know he's old, but whatever he's on, whatever, uh, drug
that they have him on his working, it worked. You know, I mean, he was a little overboard
with like Russia's marching through Europe. And I'm not commenting on the substance of what he said, but the the aesthetic was like this guy came to fucking party.
He was doing crowd work.
He was going off script, going back and forth with Marjorie Taylor Green.
I didn't know if he was going to be.
Yeah, he had a couple of flubs that were troubling,
but we're used to them.
It's all about getting people used to the thing.
Everybody gets used to the thing that the,
like George W. Bush also couldn't speak.
And he would make up words and then it just became like,
oh, it's fun.
It's fun.
You know?
So his Biden's thing is gonna be,
every now and then he's gonna go,
you know, he's gonna stop,
he's gonna look like he's dead,
he's gonna search for a word he cannot find
and then he'll eventually get it
and you're gonna be kind of hanging on in that moment.
There was a few times during the State of the Union
where you were like, it's almost done.
It's almost over.
Come on, you got this.
You got it.
And you were hanging on to his word.
You know, you're like, whoa, what are you going for?
He goes, yeah, you got him playing.
We got him, I'll take him to Moscow. And he goes, well, not Moscow. He goes, but Yeah, he goes, yeah, you got a plane. We got him. I'll take it to Moscow and he goes well not Moscow
He goes but but he goes maybe Moscow like he doubled back. He saved it
So that's what's gonna end in the debate. I mean whoa the debates are gonna be just
whoof like
hanging on
for dear life
To every word he says,
but it's made him kind of exciting again.
His ability to go in and do 90% of it,
and then the other 10%, you're like,
how bad could this get?
How off the rails could this get kind of makes him exciting. And you're kind of like,
who kind of interesting. Because there was a few times there were a few moments during a largely
coherent speech. There were a few moments when he it was deer in headlights.
There were a few moments when he, it was deer in headlights.
He didn't know where he was going.
He didn't know why he had arrived at where he was.
He was lost.
You know, you could see it. You could go, he goes, how did I even get here?
Forget like where I go next. How did this happen? Yeah this happen you know one of them was when
Marjorie Taylor Green was like say her name and then he said the name of the
woman killed by the illegal what's her name lay lay lay lay see Lincoln Riley
he's like Lee Lee Riley killed killed by an illegal and then he was lost for a
minute because he's like fuck how did how did this happen? Do you have that moment?
Let's see if we have that moment because for a minute. He's like how how am I here? How did I get to Lincoln Riley?
But all in all a
phenomenal job from a guy who is a corpse
Whatever drug I think it's called the Lazarus drug.
I think this is a drug that they put people on
at the end when they're in like stage four,
but they still have to be the president.
Like this is the final, this is what they've got.
Make no mistake, what he is on is the best they can do.
That guy at that podium is,
you will not get that guy any other time.
You might get it in a debate.
Did you see him when he was having ice cream,
talking about Israel and Gaza?
You're not gonna get that guy in the ice cream shop.
You're not getting him in the Oval Office when he kind of doesn't know what's happening.
You're getting him very, very rarely.
That level of energy, that level of clarity, except for again, a few because it nothing's perfect no drug is perfect
let's take a look at this not really I
there he goes go to the pin go to the pin! Go to the pin!
Lincoln, Lincoln Riley, an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal. Good, he says illegal.
That's right.
But how many of thousands of people being killed by legals?
To her parents, I say, my heart goes out to you having lost children myself.
I understand.
Good, he brings it back to him.
How good was that?
No, but that was good.
I was shocked.
I was on the couch going, who the fuck is this?
Lincoln Riley.
Then he's like, she was killed by an illegal.
Everybody's like, okay.
And then he's like, then he brings it back to him.
He's like, and my heart goes back to him. He's like, and I, my heart goes out to you,
having lost children myself and everyone has to quiet down.
But then he's kind of now watch,
can we watch a little more?
Because now he kind of doesn't quite know where he is
right after that moment.
Right after that moment, he's a little confused.
He's a little befuddled
because you know, you interrupted his flow.
He's been practicing this speech,
you know, every single day
and they interrupted him.
Marjorie Taylor Greene interrupted his flow.
And then he's like,
so then the moment after that, he's a little all over the
place like he's not but I mean I was shocked it's not about him it's not about
me I'd be a winner not really there it is I see there he goes where is he where
is he what Where is he?
What do you get?
Get the pin.
Get the pin.
Get the gavel.
Morgan and Morgan.
Lincoln, Lincoln Riley.
That's right.
An innocent young woman who was killed.
They should always have the things for him.
They should always have visual aids and props for him,
by the way.
To our parents, I say, my heart goes out to you,
having lost children myself.
Picks up the dough, stop.
But look, if we change the dynamic at the border,
people pay these smugglers 8,000 bucks
to get across the border.
Keep going, pop.
Because they know if they get by,
if they get by and let it into the country.
We're there, we're almost there.
16 years before they have a hearing. That's correct. And it's worth taking the it into the country, we're there. We're almost there. Six to eight years before they have a hearing.
That's correct.
And it's worth taking the chance of the 8,000.
Yeah, we're getting there.
Let's start to wrap it up.
If it's only six months, six weeks, whatever, the idea
is it's going in likely that people will pay that money
and go all that way.
That's right.
They'll be able to be kicked out quickly.
That's right.
OK.
So it's moments like that.
You're on the edge of your seat going where will it go? But I like the idea that he has
a pin. During the debates, give him visual aids, give him props, let him pick something
up and remind himself of what he's talking about. If he has
to reference somebody who was murdered, put make a pin for all of the things he has to
write. China should be a pin. He picks it up and goes, China, Taiwan, Taiwan's a pin.
Everything should be a pin. I like him with a visual aid. He likes it. He needs it. I want it.
I like him going to like a Gallagher-esque bag, if you will,
pulling out props, pulling out things.
Here we go. Take a look at what I got.
He's got a big map of the border.
He's, he gives it to Kamala.
There's, you know, he's got a big map.
This is a good gag.
It also buys him time.
He, you know, he's on a delay
and the drugs are only working so well.
So any type of, you know, prop bag of wacky gadgets,
he can bring out during the debate
is absolutely essential to keep this on track.
So I love him with this pen. What a gift Marjorie Taylor Greene gave to him. She didn't even know.
Look at her. She's covered in pins Marjorie Taylor Gre grain. She's got every pin. Everybody, everybody
who's got killed by an illegal alien Marjorie Tiller green has their face on a pin. By the
way, what store is that a store? I can go to in Florida and just buy dead people pins
that were killed by illegal aliens. There's gotta be a store. She's from what? Georgia? She's the senator? Congresswoman? Whatever? Who cares?
Is there a store in Georgia where people that have been killed by illegals, you can turn them
into pins? How does this work? What a fun carnival attraction to just be able to go and go,
hey, I'd love to put this face on a pin.
And they go, Oh, is that your?
Who is that? Is that your wife?
No, it's a girl who was killed by an illegal.
Oh, it's a fun carnival attraction.
Any death that you want to politicize in this country, there
should be a place for you to go, whether it's a kid who got shot at Sandy Hook
or this poor woman who was killed by an illegal,
you should be able to make them into a snow globe,
a lava lamp, a pin.
You should be able, if you, you know, maybe you,
I mean, really you could do everything in this store.
You could have like, you know, the targets,
you could make people's faces, targets if you don't like.
But no, dead people whose deaths you want to use
as political pawns, you should be able to make them
into trinkets and things to hand out.
Key chains, if an illegal immigrant kills me,
please make me into a key chain.
Please, for the love of God, make me into a key chain
and hand me out to these, you know,
whoever these are, these Turning Point USA people,
what else, who's ever excited to go to these conventions?
Make me a key chain, make me a nerf,
maybe shoot little Tim Dillon balls out of a Nerf gun
Figure out a way where I can live on through a kind of a really
schlocky
You know
Nick-knack it's a knickknack
It's very interesting to just have the pins of dead pit
Do you think Marjorie Taylor Green puts any of the pins of the kids who've been shot in school shootings on?
Probably not, right?
And then the Democrats, because the Democrats have all those pins
of pins of all the black people who've been killed by the police and the school shooting people
and then the Republicans have the pins of all the fetuses that have been killed.
I mean, that's- you gotta just do one pin per whatever,
10 million fetuses, right?
That these whores have flushed down the toilet
in their part, in what they believe.
So it's just gotta be pin to pin to pin.
And I'm all for it, man.
I like this idea of,
cause we know in America that unfortunately,
people are going to die in ways that we are going to then politicize.
This is just what happens.
Say her name!
So what we have to do is find a way to make those people into,
you know, fun souvenirs.
Become a souvenir, die in a political way, become a souvenir, be handed out during a convention,
become a pin, why not? Do it! I want to thank the good people of Arizona. And I wanna say you're welcome.
I wanna thank them because with very little resources,
very little, the citizens of Gilbert, Arizona
were able to push the police
to arrest seven people in the murder
of this kid Preston Lord that we talked about on this show
And I want to tell the citizens of Arizona. I want to say that you are welcome. I I
Don't I don't need a pat on the back. I don't need but let's be very clear
I don't need, but let's be very clear.
This is me. I did this.
Let's be very clear about this.
I sounded the alarm bell nationally for this.
That's what happened.
I don't need someone to come over and call me a hero
or write an article about me or make a
documentary about me or say that, you know, they're amazed at how much of a humanitarian I am. I
don't need to stand on a stage with an award, but let's be very honest. I was the one pushing this story.
And yes, because it is,
because I want to make a film about it,
partially, only partially.
I also want justice.
But I was the one, and people said to me,
why do you care about this story?
Why does it matter to you?
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you exactly why.
And I'm glad you asked. I'm a capitalist and I believe
in things. I believe, I have virtues that I believe in. When I heard that these low rent
I heard that these low rent
Tybo gym owning people or whatever
We're trying to cover up a murder of a kid. I'm like you don't get to do that because you sling
Smoothies in the desert
Dummy you only get to do that if you're a real blue blood elite. You want to drive off a bridge with a chick in your car. Your name better be Kennedy.
You want to go AWOL on the Vietnam war. And then when people find out all of the, all
of the buildings that house the documents that they could prove that and end up going on fire,
your name better be Bush.
If you are not elite,
I do not want you covering up murders
because I believe in the country I live in.
Do you understand that?
Or do I have to explain it again to you?
I will not let the final days of this country, okay,
the end stage of this empire,
I will not let the history of this be written
by people that own smoothie cafes in Arizona.
You will not,
you will not be getting your kid out of trouble.
They will go to jail.
They will go to jail.
They will go to jail.
Now initially, we made this into a whole Mormon conspiracy
that wasn't true.
That wasn't true.
But it took the heat off the Jews.
Now, so never question my motives.
Do you understand?
Everybody's like, wait, are the Mormons covering up a murder in Arizona and then just you know
Stadiums of Palestinians just oh I didn't intend it wasn't my intention. It's what happened
But Sam Harris made a good point Israel calls them all first, which I think is nice
Israel actually
calls the phone of every Palestinian they're going to kill. This is actually true. Many people
don't know this. They call them up and they're like, Hey, what's up? We're going to bomb you
soon. And it's nice. I like that. I like it. I thought, I thought they weren't doing
it, but they do. They call, they text, they send just a couple of fire emojis. Watch
out. A couple of fires emojis. It's nice. It gives people, it's respectful. But this
whole, this, uh, the reason that I got so invested in this case is because number one, injustice
everywhere is, you know, whatever that is thing, the threat to violence. And what did
Dr. King say or Shakespeare? Right? The cops, but whenever there's a cop eating a guy, here's
my point. My point is that even these rat people that live in this sand hell, this sand pit where they think they have my,
they don't deserve to be killed.
You know what I mean?
So the reason that I got involved was because I saw
that there was not a national figure leading this movement
trying to hold these people accountable.
These goons kids, these white kids, white demon devil kids.
Does no one watch this part of the show
where I'm crusading for the imprisonment of white children?
There's no one, does somehow they skip this part
and then only listens to the parts
where somehow accidentally I say something glaringly racist
Because I had a bad experience in a
Tropical cafe or something and I'm holding someone's got to be held accountable that doesn't look like me
but the point is
No one listen. I want these kids
I was disappointed that they're not going for the death penalty
Because I I think it's funny. I love a good bit
And you know these kids are in high school. They're 17 18, but they're adults. That's the line. I
Say kill them if you can convict them. Kill them.
Let me follow it up with this as well.
Get renters, that's the kick. Can I say their name now?
If they sue me, I'll sue you back.
I mean, we can beep it,
but his name's in public record, yeah.
If you sue me, you have no idea what I will do.
I don't have a family.
You have a family.
I don't.
Yes, your family is junkies and murderers, but I don't even have those. So you have a family. I don't yes your family is junkies and murderers
But I don't even have those so you have no idea what I will do. I have all of my money is reserved for these things
By the way look at the judge in this case, please is Arizona even a real estate? Can you look at this judge?
Can you look can you close up on this job? What is going on here with the fucking mustache of this judge?
He's one of the goons.
He's on the inside.
I watched this arraignment today and I was, I looked at this judge and I'm like, is this even a person?
We don't have ad blah. Oh, it's AZ central.
Take a look at this.
Oh, it's AZ Central.
Take a look at this.
Look at this judge's handlebar mustache and his black rim glasses.
May I get you a seated big terrific in Williamsburg, sir?
Jenny Slade is absent.
Tim Dillon and Lisa Traeger will be on this evening.
But that's what you get. Let me tell you what needs to be done.
Get Renner's attorney up because she's no fucking joke. I also, by the way, I mean none of these
people know how to, you know what I mean? Like they don't.
This isn't really a state where people know how to dress. Let's just be honest.
They used to be cowboy. It's like a freak show over there. Let's be, let's be very, I know. Oh, Tim, you were fucking shut up. I'm not saying I'm the thing, but I'm saying let's be very honest.
Okay. We got, this is Daria who grew up here. So this woman is now, by the way,
the guy who's behind her is a real criminal
who just does deweys.
I looked him up.
I looked these people up.
He's a real criminal, but I like him.
You need a good criminal.
Cause he'll go plant evidence and stuff.
You need that.
He's a real criminal.
And they probably have something on him, this family.
Who I'm not completely, I haven't, I haven't I haven't completely even though
I am interested in justice I haven't decided that I wouldn't work for this
family in the few you know what I mean like I had like I haven't written them
off you know what I mean DMs are open is that's my attitude on them because I
don't know everything that's going on here.
This bitch is good. What's her name?
It's uh, Christine Whalen.
Christine Whalen. Now here's the deal.
She might get these fuckers off for this one of them.
Taylan, Talon. There's two ta-Taylans.
Talon, Talon, Talon, Talon.
They have all these weird names. They're trash, they have dumb names.
The point is this, they're garbage.
They're horned fucking, you know, spiny toad.
I mean, this is a nightmare at this place.
Of course, not Paradise Valley.
Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, many friends, many friends.
The point is this woman could get, so here's the deal.
Here's the real, I need to try the case.
I need to try the case.
If you bring in a lawyer, a DA to try this case,
you may lose, this bitch is good.
I'm better, okay?
The jury pool in Arizona will have a reading level
of second grade, Do you understand?
The average reading level in America
is fourth to fifth grade.
The reading level in the Arizona jury pool
will be second grade, okay?
On average, which means some of the jury
will be reading at the level of a kindergartner,
where it will be words and then the majority is pictures.
Okay, like my God sent his three monkey.
He goes, oh, you're not, it's just what you're dealing with.
I know how to get their attention with loud outfits
and big sunglasses and big pops.
They're not gonna care about the facts of the cake.
If you think these jury members are going to care or even listen to the facts of the case, if you think these jury members are going to care or even listen to
the facts of this case, you got to find people dumb enough to not have an opinion on this,
by the way. This is the only news coming out of that state, literally it. So you got to
find people that are so dumb that they don't have a strong opinion on this, you know, or at least lie.
I'm telling you, you make me,
you make me the prosecuting attorney.
I'm telling you right now, I deliver a conviction.
I deliver a conviction
because I will put on a show. You have to put on a show. Okay?
And this is not to disparage the residents of Arizona at all, but you're
you're really, really stupid. And that's not, and I don't mean to, and I'm not
saying that in a negative way. It's an I've observed that, okay?
Now, because of that, there are ways
that information needs to be presented to you, okay?
I'm not above doing a freestyle rap
for an opening statement.
Do you understand?
I'm not above that being like,
you think you're a gooon, leave the fucking room.
You know, he killed that kid, you know?
But I'm Dan, you know what I mean?
But you gotta picture it with kind of
with a very colorful hoodie,
with kind of the 80s boom box.
You know, kind of really put the work in,
put the effort into it.
He killed that kid.
They stomped out his head.
His parents tried to cover it up
because they think they got bread,
but they ain't got bread.
Listen to what I said.
Like, it's gotta be rhyme.
I'm telling you, it's an Arizona jury box.
It's a bunch of lizards.
It's gotta be rhyme.
It's gotta be, am I a butt?
You think I'm not coming out with a smoke machine
for my closing statement?
You're out of your mind.
First of all, it happened on Halloween.
There was a Halloween party with this kid,
he got killed. Unfortunately, an R&P to the kid, I pray there is a heaven and a God I always have.
And I think there kind of is maybe. I get more religious as they get older. I don't know what
that means, but I'm either getting more correct or more incorrect and no one will know and no one
can call me on it. The point is this, I would have everyone come in a Halloween costume for the summation,
the closing statement.
And even though that would seem very, very counterproductive and it would lose me, a lot
of the people who think it's a very heinous and disrespectful thing to do, people like
dressing up legit.
You understand? So if I'm gonna recreate what happened at a Halloween party, I'm going to ask the jury and the members to everyone wear a costume. to say to me, this is unorthodox, play Rachel Mitchell, this little goblin bitch, yelling
at everyone on the reddits and saying that it's wrong that we're circulating unsubstantiated
conspiracy theories, bitch, I don't get to check where you get to check.
I said, you know, and I read these reddits, I don't really post on them because I don't,
I don't really know enough about Arizona to say anything, you know, other than it's a whole.
I love this water, aquapana.
Sponsor the show.
No, play the press conference she had where she announced the indictments and then she told, she yelled at the community
for going on Reddit and trying to solve the fucking crime.
Now, here's what ha, yes, was the word,
were some members of the community wrong?
Did they impugn the credibility of the investigation to a degree?
Sure. Did they launch unprovoked accusations
at members of the community's children? Yes.
Did they fuck up things to a degree?
Yes, but everything, you know, it was the inertia
that moved this case forward was the community
demanding they do something.
Cause the Gilbert police have done nothing for years all these kids just attacking random people and then one of them died.
Lake Riley say her name!
Lake Riley.
Lake Riley.
She's a lovely young woman killed by a little.
Lovely young woman killed by a little.
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Now this woman I have respect for this woman. Okay. Because I've said a lot of negative
things and I say them in jest about Arizona, but here's the deal. And this is why I respect them, okay? This woman is no joke.
This Rachel Mitchell who's doing a handling this.
I respect that they have, they got the penguin up here.
Doing this. Rachel Mitchell, please.
I don't want to cover up on microphone.
Am I okay here, sound wise?
Okay.
Good evening everyone.
Today a grand jury has indicted four people in the murder of Preston Lord.
And before I discuss the details of these indictments, let me remind you that we are talking about the death of a 16 year old boy.
As I have said in the past, I have spoken with his family and they are in agony.
The loss of a child is unimaginable for most of us, but to live it is a whole new level
of horror. I do want to say this.
To all of those who have continued
to post innumerable, unfounded, ill-informed theories
on social media, I hope you will pause and consider
will not and evaluate the effect that you may have had
on this family.
Yeah, it gave them hope.
Gave them hope, Penguin.
Because now you are about to see the crucial steps of the real legal process at work.
This has taken months, but not because no one was working on it.
Because we had to find the ring and then bring it to Mount Doom.
I want to know more about that in the moment.
All right, get her out of here.
I'm just saying get her out of here, Rachel Mitchell.
We want the kids convicted.
I want them given the death penalty, okay?
I'm just saying that it's not gonna be easy to do,
but I would like it to happen.
And it, I want it to happen.
And I wanna be the one to try the case
and then also to kill all of them.
Wall Street Journal is now profiling a man who is super
commuting from Ohio to New York City every week.
He doesn't live in New York, but he basically said to himself,
Hey, what am I really going to do?
Let's watch this because this is a good, this seems like a good life. office in 2022, I didn't quite want to return. There were no good apartments within my budget, and I liked Ohio because it meant wash with my sister and short drives to see my parents.
So after doing some math, I thought I could keep my living expenses, super commuting,
plus an apartment in Ohio at around $3,200 a month, or about the price of a nice New York studio.
I've used points and miles to book flights and hotels, but ultimately ended up going over budget
by 15% and relying on the kindness of friends who let me house it in the city. I've been doing this trip once a week for over a year.
I still like living in both places.
Can you imagine getting that call
that that guy wants to house it again?
Like first of all, he's a serial killer.
He's living in Ohio so he can go on walks with his sister.
What does that mean?
He's a killer, the guy's a killer.
He seems like a murderer.
I live in Ohio, it's nicer.
It means walks with my sister.
Play the rest of it.
But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up,
but for now, I just made it into our office.
It's 9.51.
It's time to start the workday. Yeah, I don't, you know, I, I, I, I, okay.
It's like, yeah, great.
People commute all the time.
The majority of people's life is commuting.
That's the majority of what people do.
That's really what it is. That's the majority of what people do.
That's really what it is. That's why people listen to this show and other shows
because people are always commuting.
They're always going from one place
they don't wanna be home to another place
they don't wanna be, work.
And yeah, good for him.
I mean, listen, if he enjoys,
and I'm sure he doesn't, but if he finds this is a financially feasible
thing, then do it.
Do it.
Who cares?
I'm sick of judging people's lives, you know?
The other way to do it is being a forever renter. Somebody is saying the average
age of a renter now is 33 years old. It was 29 a decade ago. Owning stuff ain't for everyone.
I mean, I think you should, it should be the goal, but it's not for everybody. So, you
know, there's a lot of people that don't want to buy houses, it's very difficult.
And they don't have the money, and they might not want the responsibility to buy fucking
houses.
So what they do is they rent houses, you know?
And here's the deal.
The real estate expert said that a portion of forever renters are of the higher end demographic
and have an eye for apartments with large scale rooms, sophisticated aesthetics, and The expert said that a portion of forever renters are of the higher end demographic
and have an eye for apartments with large scale rooms, sophisticated aesthetics and kid friendly
amenities.
So basically they're like, listen, we just, we don't want to buy.
That's not where we want our money.
We don't care.
We'd rather rent. You know, if you rent, you just always are,
you know, you don't have that security.
Somebody can always raise the price on you, you know?
Somebody could always come in there and go,
hey, I mean, this just happens to friends of mine
who live in Brooklyn, they live in these little dumps, you know?
These things you'd never want to live in your life. You would never want to live in these places.
You would never want to live in these places, but
Every year they have to pay like $800 more a year for these
apartments
because the real estate market in New York is psychotic.
He would never,
he would never want to live in these places. But every year they just go, fuck it, I gotta do it.
They have no other option. That's the thing. If you don't have any other option,
you know, then you just have to kind of, I think a lot of people are over real estate anyway as a,
I think a lot of people are over real estate anyway as a, you know, people understood like it went, you know, when the boomers got it, and then they went on that amazing ride with
it. Nothing appreciated more than real estate. And then a very few things do, right? I mean,
if you have a great run in the stock market, you can, but real estate is still a very good
investment. But I think younger people don't look at it as glamorously because a
lot of them saw their parents get divorced and fight over a house or they just remember
a house is a place where somebody had a Halloween party and everybody killed a kid in Arizona.
You know, like it's not always, it's not always all amazing the memories that people have in these
homes and I'm sure they never were. Most apartment buildings, especially over the last 10 years,
have been targeting a 27 year old and they have orange doodads as the design theme. I don't know
what that means. We have a mid-Atlantic focus portfolio. Our average renter 10 years ago was 29. Today
it's 33. Soon it'll be 70. Soon people will live longer and they will just rent and they
will not buy a home. And you know, because everything is so out of control in terms of money, I talked about it on the show,
outside of forcibly evicting boomers from their houses
and putting them in mental institutions
and then putting those houses on the market,
I don't know what else you can do.
Truly, I don't know what else you can do.
They won't stop or retire.
It doesn't seem to be happening.
They certainly don't want to sell
till you're just going to have to deal with the apartment,
you know, until you regroup,
till Bitcoin's up, Bitcoin's going back up.
It's going back up.
Get on the ride, get the house if you want.
This is not a financial advice show.
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San Francisco homeless steal, salt and straw,
even they have a favorite flavor.
Store manager claims homeless steal five to 10 pints a day.
Their favorites are chocolate, gooey, brownie, and salted, malted cookie dough.
Those are the best flavors.
Such a fun idea to be a homeless guy eating ice cream
in America, you know?
To be a homeless guy in San Francisco eating ice cream.
There's some really fun about that.
It's kind of like you did it.
If you're a homeless guy, right?
Like here's the two ways you know you've done it in this country, right?
You're like Ken Griffin, the CEO of Citadel, and you just own it.
Every city that you go to, inevitably the guy that owns the most expensive apartment
is Ken Griffin, no matter where you go to. Inevitably the guy that owns the most expensive apartment is Ken Griffin.
No matter where you go. It's just, it's what he does. You go to Palm Beach, she's got a
billion dollar house. You go to New York. He owns a 220 million. You go to Chicago. He's
got a thing. No matter where you are, Ken Griffin has the most impressive piece of real
it doesn't matter where you are. Go to Detroit. got a fuck whatever he's got something you know what I mean Gary Indiana what's the
nicest fucking shack can griffin as it so that's one way to know you've made it
in this country the other way is if you are a homeless guy in San Francisco
eating chocolate gooey brownie why you know you know, having a fun, eating salted, malted cookie dough in San
Francisco, just homeless and eating ice cream in San Francisco. Those are the two archetypes
of person that you can be now. You can be Ken Griffin or you can be a homeless guy in
San Francisco, eat ice cream. And you know, if you work there, you can't say anything
to them when they take the ice cream You can't say anything you go, okay
You go cool
Hey like the best case you go hey, that's all right
Okay, so that's all right this is this is the responsive
All right, would you like?
Sure.
And they just leave. They just run out and leave.
You know? And that's the only thing you can...
That's the only thing you can say if you work at Salt and Straw.
Because somebody comes in there, they grab the ice cream and they...
And they leave.
Why doesn't everyone steal it?
You know what I mean? That's the real question.
Be great if everybody just,
what if homeless people just stopped doing Fendin' All
and they all started stealing ice cream from Salt and Straw
and they were all just 500 pounds,
just going there and taking ice cream.
I love the idea of that,
that homeless people in between other things are just going in there and lifting ice cream. I love the idea of that, that homeless people in between other things are just going
in there and lifting ice cream. So it shows a Portland company, this is their whole thing,
right? Just give homeless people free ice cream. Just do it. I know the Republicans
will get mad at that. Who cares? You've made homelessness, you know, already like a thing that people are gonna do in your city,
San Francisco, where if you're homeless you get ice cream. Stop with the fentanyl,
have a Sunday, start marketing that. Have a cone. Needles for cones, how about that?
You go to Salt and Straw, you give them a needle or a gun that you found and they give you a nice ice cream sundae.
I don't think that's a bad idea. You come in, you go, Hey, I think this is fentanyl,
but I don't know. Oh, well, thank you. We're not calling the cops. Thanks for turning it
in. So anyway, would you like to try our goat cheese and olive oil? And they're like, nah,
I don't want any of that shit. They're like, yeah, we'll give you the brownie.
It's nice that the homeless aren't falling
for the bullshit salt and straw flavors, you know,
like avocado ice cream.
The homeless like, fuck you,
I want cookie dough or I want brownie.
I want something I understand.
I'm homeless.
They're like, would you like to try a new burnt fig?
They're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I shit in the street. You understand?
Give me something real.
I want a brownie or I want cookie dough.
Don't you can't get, you can't do that, run that bullshit
on me that you run on people that live in houses.
Okay.
I want something real.
We have like an amazing, it's actually a rose flavored,
hey, would you like to try it?
No, no, no, I'd like to steal the brownie one.
I'm gonna steal the brownie one and I'm gonna leave.
That's what I'm gonna do.
And I'm gonna eat it, they probably eat it close too.
That's what I like.
They're not eat it outside.
I'm gonna sit there and I'm gonna eat it.
What are you going to do?
He imagined calling the cops in San Francisco.
Can you imagine how low on the list of priorities that is?
Hi, Sarah from Thought and Straw.
Well, there's the homeless guy and he just came in here and he just stole a pint of cookie
dough.
They're like, all right.
Well, if we, if we see them, well, uh, we'll
straighten that out. We're on our way. We're on our way, Sarah. Right after we deal with
this bus station that's being burned down, we'll get on the homeless people who stole
that pint of pistachio ice cream from salt and straw right after
this family of tourists, we're going to try to free them from this whole, this elevator
they've been barricaded in. But after that, we're going to get right on a cookies and
cream gate.
Um, this last article here, it says the golden age of the American Jew is ending. I'm not
even going to talk about that. That's just an actual article. And I mean, I'm not even,
how am I going to, what am I going to do here? I don't think it is. I don't think it is.
I got a lot of golden Jews around me, baby, except my agent and manager who are both somehow
Gentiles. Maybe that's a lesson learned, right? For me. Um, well, anyway, typical comedy.com. If you
want to see any, uh, live dates, we're going to Royal Albert Hall in London. I mean, what
are you nuts? If you don't live in London, I'd fly there. We've got so many dates in
Europe, but I mean, Royal Albert Hall is really the exciting and impressive venue.
Saturday night, come on down to Fantasy Springs Resort over in India, if you can.
Stand up live, Phoenix, Arizona. I've said nothing but good things.
Then Belfast, Manchester, Glasgow, Amsterdam, London, Copenhagen, Helsinki, Stockholm, two shows in Dublin and San Jose, Port Chester, New York, Atlantic City, New Jersey. But yeah, Royal Albert Hall in London,
very exciting about, about doing that. Let's hope that the Gilbert goons get their come
up and let's hope that they are in all seriousness. I hope they go to jail.
I hope they are in trouble because I hope there's a justice for this kid, right? I mean, there is no
There is nothing that we can we can do here
Except
watch and wait and
potentially have me get involved.
As somebody who tries a case,
it would be a good idea though.
I'll get up and I'm like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
many of you are surprised to see me here.
They're all going, who are you?
I go, cut it out.
The reality is I have given up for a week or so,
a very lucrative job as a podcast, are we pre-recorded,
to come here and to talk about this situation
because I feel like it needs to be done, okay?
The facts, we're gonna lay all out.
We're gonna lay out all the facts,
but I'll tell you right now, that ain't where this lives.
You know what and I know it.
You're from Arizona.
The facts are not gonna decide this case.
You know what and I know it.
Let's get real.
You won't even pay attention to the facts
for more than three minutes.
So what I promised to do for you is, is, uh,
paint a picture, a new one every day so you don't
forget of why this guy needs to fry. Fry!
Fry! You don't even have that anymore. You got lethal injection,
but these kids need to fry. We don't kill children in an organized
way anymore in this country and we're worse off for it. Yes or yes. injection but these kids need to fry. We don't kill children in an organized way
anymore in this country and we're worse off for it. Yes or yes. This is when the
jury started to get them. When we used to kill children and other children knew
we were killing these children, those children knew how to act, right? Children
don't know how to act, yes or yes. Hopefully an old black woman starts nodding
her head. We used to beat these motherfuckers with spoons,
beat them, hit them.
But we don't do that anymore,
because of the communists making them trannies
in the schools.
Now the whole crowd's clapping.
The whole jury's, the judge is like,
I order you to sit down and I go,
and I will steal a little bit.
I'll go, you're out of order, I'm out of order.
This whole courtroom's out of order, right?
And then I bring in strippers.
Now there's two Arizona strippers flanking me
with the kind of very tasteful shirts of this gentleman
who's sadly lost his life.
And they have these tasteful shirts on
and they're kind of dancing.
And I'm like, listen, we kill one kid, we save a thousand.
Fry him, fry him, fry him up.
And then the strippers are just going, they're like, case a D, a case, I don't know why, but it's just a food.
And the people in Arizona are like, I am hungry.
I am. So this is what I mean about what you need to kind of put this out there as kind of the opening statement.
I said the closing statement, we have a smoke machine.
We're doing it in costume,
but we're gonna kill this motherfucker.
These kids are running around this town thinking
that they can do whatever they want, they cannot.
How do these kids have nicer cars than the jury?
We should be killing them, stealing from them.
I mean, this is what I would say. These are the things, these are the things
I would say. I don't, you know, I don't know if this is correct or not because this whole
thing they said was a $10 necklace, gold chain necklace led to this tragedy.
Yeah, it was a $10 necklace. Here we go. Yeah, it's crazy. Well, in all
series, as we hope that there is some justice here, we've been
following this case clearly, but but Joey Biden, baby, he's
coming back a little bit. And of course, we never count
anybody out. He's still behind in the polls. We're watching this
whole thing closely. But if they're going to keep him on
that drug, if they're're gonna keep him on that drug, if they're gonna keep him on that
fucking miracle limitless drug that he's on from that movie, were they just gonna give him a pill
and watch him fly? I mean, that was like watching the fucking luck dragon from Neverending Story
fly. That guy, it became Foulcore, he just, you watch him, you're like, this guy is fucking amazing.
He's amazing.
I didn't even listen to what he was saying.
I don't even care, it doesn't even matter.
He's like, Putin's on the march in Europe.
I'm like, that's not really happening, but who cares,
you know?
He just starts saying stuff.
That's what politics is, people just say stuff.
He's like, you see, he's like, it's like 90,
it's like World War II.
I'm like, no, it's not, but all right, keep going.
He goes, history will judge us for what we do now.
I go, you may be, but what?
What?
I'm not going out, Ukraine.
You think it's gonna be the beginning
of saving Private Ryan?
And me and my friends are gonna get out of a thing
and go on to the Ukraine?
That's not this.
So it's not like the beginning of World War II.
I don't know what it's the beginning of.
You can fill that in on your own, but it ain't the beginning of World War II.
Nobody I know is gonna be like, hey, history is history is gonna judge us for, can you
imagine saying that to another person?
We got to sign it for the military. Why? History is gonna judge us freedom is under assault
abroad and at home. It's like, hey, buddy, freedom under assault abroad, freedom's got to figure it out.
Freedom better figure it out. Okay. We left that Afghanistan. What happened to that? Freedom was under assault. Then the Taliban came back in and we were just like, guess what? Put him back. Put him back
in. So I'm old enough to know how these things end, how this stuff, how this goes. But he's
still, again, as a show, it was great as a show, as a spectacle, he comes out, he's like,
it's World War II. Evil Putin, Vladimir Putin of Russia is on the move. And every boy, now
in World War II, there were like young men and women listening to that going, we got
to fulfill our duty. Now we have the Gilbert goons doing fentanyl vapes.
They're not enlisting in the military to go to the Ukraine. Okay. No one,
the, the, we just don't have, we don't have the greatest generation.
So whatever, whatever he's trying to sell, he better scale back.
But then he was smart. He's like,
and there's no American troops in the Ukraine and there won't be.
So that was good. I was like, oh cool.
He's like, it's World War II, but you can just watch. I'm like, fair. Fair. I'm, hey.
You might be converting me. He's like, it's World War II.
History is gonna judge us because on what we do, but we don't have to do that much.
We're just gonna print some fake money and send it over.
Alright. So I don't have to storm any much. We're just going to print some fake money and send it over. All right.
So I don't have to storm any beaches. No, no, Surrey Bob history will judge us for what we do right now. So what are we going to do? Argue about trans swimmers for three years while these people
blow each other up with some fake money that we create. I mean, and then he goes on from Delaware.
He leans in. I can't, I'm telling you right now.
He might be winning me over a little bit. He's like, I'm from Delaware. It's the most corrupt.
He basically said every corrupt corporation's there.
And he goes, we're going to make a lot of money. I'm like, well, I mean,
if this is the party, see,
usually with these people they're always like,
they come to you for something eventually.
They go, and we need troops, we're gonna raise your taxes,
we need the, and I'm not saying he's good, he's not good,
but this speech was the most effective speech
I have ever seen in the sense that he was like,
we're not asking you to do anything.
You people can do exactly what you want to do,
which is get pins made of the people
that die by the immigrants.
What we're gonna do is keep letting Putin
and Ukraine blow each other up, because we need it.
The arms race needs it.
Sorry, that's why the Republicans
are kinda quiet about what they're doing, the whole thing, they're like, yeah. Arms race needs it. Sorry. That's why the Republicans are kind of quiet
about what they're in the whole thing.
They're like, yeah.
Oh, oh.
He's the arms race needs.
He goes, the arms race needs it.
So he says, World War II,
history is gonna charge you by what you do right now.
And then immediately he's like,
they're trying to take away abortion.
We're like, all right, there we go.
Now we're in, you know?
So if that's gonna be the tenor of how he runs this campaign,
like these big proclamations and statements followed up by absolutely nothing,
I think it could be good.
This is the most momentous time in history!
Cool, what do you want from us?
Go play scratch-offs.
You bums.
Alright. Go commute five states away to your job
And go kill your kids and kids kill your kids kills
Arizona kids go
Lake Riley, Riley
To build comedy calm if you want any tickets to anything we appreciate it
Sorry, we were out last week, but I had episodes with Andrew Schultz and a PPD podcast.
I mean, God, how many hours of media you need, folks?
Enough, enough, plus we're on Patreon.
As always, good people, Morgan and Morgan,
we have this out here.
They sent us that.
It is an episode about justice, so why not?
We love you and we seriously think about
letting me try this case.
I'm telling you right now, I will win.
Thank you.