The Tim Dillon Show - 387 - Jessica Kirson & The Revenge Of The Basic
Episode Date: April 6, 2024Tim sits down with comedian Jessica Kirson about marching, 90’s music, Oprah, dieting, being star struck and why everything is nostalgic. American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.co...m/ SPONSORS: Mack Weldon: Go to Mack Weldon dot com and get 20% off your first order with promo code TIM. Blue Chew BlueChew.com & Use Code: ‘TIM’ Morgan & Morgan: For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Jessica Kyrsten is with us.
Turn me down, I'm a little hot in these headphones.
This is a little loud.
Thank you, thank you.
It's Easter Sunday.
This will be released in a week or two
because I'll be in Europe.
And you were trying to get here.
Did the driver who told you that there was a trans parade
on Fifth Avenue, did he just think the Easter parade
was the trans parade?
Because the Easter parade,
everyone wears bonnets and looks crazy.
I think he just thought that was the trans parade. I think. But maybe there
were two parades. Well he also said it's some kind of Indian holiday too. I think
he's on acid. He honestly there was no there was no uber driver. I'm joking. No if I
saw people with those crazy hats I would go go, oh, it's a trans parade.
That's oh my God.
Is that the Easter parade?
This is the Easter parade.
That person needs to be killed.
Why is that person wearing that hat?
Is that a hat?
Yeah, they all have funny hats and Easter bonnets.
But that's dumb.
Why?
What is that?
Well, this is the whole thing.
It's Easter.
They all wear bonnets.
But that's not a bonnet.
That's a fucking tree.
Well, everybody's getting creative.
That's not creative.
I agree with you.
That's mentally ill.
I mean, I'm mentally ill, but that's like you need to be in a home.
This is what he thought the trans parade was, I think.
I think so too.
I think he saw this and he was like, this has to be the trans parade.
It does not look like an Easter parade.
It looks more like a trans parade than an Easter parade.
But everyone in the, yeah, but everyone in the Easter parade
was wearing like chaps and heels.
So that, I don't know, it might've been a little confusing.
It might've been confusing.
I just, because I guess they've made
Trans Visibility Day Easter.
I don't really understand, when did that happen?
I don't know, it happened recently. Biden did it recently and people are angry.
Oh, was Biden's doing?
Oh, was it?
Was it?
Oh, it's an annual event occurring every March 31st since 2009.
Oh, it just happened to be on...
And by the way, is Easter the same day every year?
No.
Okay. So it's an invented thing that people are mad about.
It just so happened that this year,
you had the Trans Day visibility and Easter at the same time.
But then why are people so upset about it?
Because people, they want to be.
Well, you know who's the most upset about it
is Caitlyn Jenner, who's fucking transgender.
You know what?
Get your dick put back on and make a bigger statement.
Does she have a dick?
I think it's gone.
Why?
Well, she seems pretty angry.
I think she has a dick.
I've heard that it was taken.
By who?
Like a thief?
Did someone mug her and chop her dick off?
Well, there's a lot of home invasions in LA right now.
Did a squatter take her dick? there's a lot of home invasions in LA right now. Did a squatter take her dick?
There's a lot of crime happening.
So I think somebody went into her Malibu house and grabbed it.
Took her dick, her fucking trophies, and a slipper?
What did they take?
Like a thief in the night.
Her genitals were not removed, but rather rearranged.
What?
Into a form consistent with being a woman.
They were put into a cross. Well they make.
Because she's so religious.
They took her dick and her balls and made them into a cross.
And this and today she's as an Easter bonded.
Do you think she had a Republican trans like a doctor like a Republican trans.
I hope she went to like.
She had a Nazi put them on.
Yeah I hope she went to like a guy who was like, you know, like angrily doing it.
Oh yeah, like fucking like, I put your dick into cross!
Get on the train!
I hate it too, but we need to do it quickly and quietly.
I hate myself also, but let me just chop it off.
There's things I like about her.
Caitlyn came to my Christmas party in LA.
Really?
Yes, and she was lovely, she was fun.
She showed everyone her plane.
Her plane?
She flies a little plane around Malibu.
What is?
She's a real life superhero, Jessica.
What is the plane shaped as?
What's the thing?
Look, there she is right there.
Can you imagine if you're in the wrong way?
How does she fit in the plane?
Does it have a top?
Like there's no top on it?
Isn't she like seven two?
She's huge.
Yeah.
She's very robust.
Yeah.
She's a robust woman.
Wow.
And she is...
What's her girlfriend look like?
I'm sorry, I just have issues with her because she's, like, homophobic.
No, of course, I get it. She was against gay marriage.
But by the way, here's the thing.
She said, I am against gay marriage because I'm an old-fashioned girl.
It's the funniest thing that's ever been said old-fashioned girl
It's amazing to me. I just can't not like her because I understand that
I get it. I get it. All seven feet tall of you
With these big size 15 Christian LaBoutan's on that are like specially made. Her hands look like the ones in the baseball team
You know when you go in the baseball.
No, it's crazy. And then she goes,
I'm an old fish.
You go, look at her right there.
Get that up.
She's fueling up her plane.
Can you please get up the photo of her fueling her plane?
She's the size of a plane.
Just standing, not going vertical.
I mean, is this not a superhero?
She's fueling up her plane,
and she just flies it around Malibu,
looking for gay marriages to fly over
and scare everybody.
And bomb gay marriages.
Bomb gay marriages.
But it's a very, what a wildlife.
Can I see a picture of her beard?
Her wife or the actual?
She's not married, she's against it.
No, she has, her partner is a lovely woman
who also came to the Christmas party. Oh, of course that's not married. She's against it. No, she has, uh, her partner is a lovely woman who also came to the Christmas party.
Oh, of course that's her partner.
Her partner is a trans-maga influencer.
Her partner's trans?
Trans-maga influencer.
This is the fu- I'm sorry, but I-
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Wait, her partner was a man and is now a woman?
That is correct.
I'm- I'm- this is fascinating to me. I mean she's beautiful. She's
incredibly attractive. Look at her face right now, Caitlin. Is she shitting? Look at her face. Yeah.
Well, she's very proud. Maybe that's part of their whole kink that she shits in every picture. I love
the back of the step and repeat. It says Beverly Hills IV therapy. This is incredible. And then
it says face forward international. Well her face is incredible. And then it says Face Forward International.
Well, her face is forward.
I mean, she's shitting in that picture.
Yeah.
Ah!
She's an interesting woman.
She's definitely not traditional.
Traditional?
So what does she say?
Do you think they scissor?
Can we get up the tweet about they have to scissor?
They shear.
That's a hot number she's got there.
Yeah I mean I the the woman she's with is stunning. She's very pretty. Is she pregnant of that?
No she's against that. She's against all of it. She's against everything trans and gay.
I know it's very interesting. It's like me like it's it's like you being well I
mean we're both homophobic. I mean I'm well, I mean, we're both homophobic.
We, we, I mean, I'm internally homophobic.
We're relatively homophobic.
I'm not homophobic against my...
I'm homophobic against people that are under like 30.
Every gay person that's been born at a, like, I, if you're like 16, I'm homophobic because like, you're just a lot.
The younger gay people are a lot.
And I love them because, you know, you have to love everyone, but they just a lot. The younger gay people are a lot.
And I love them because you know,
you have to love everyone, but they're a lot.
The younger people are a lot.
I'm not homophobic against other people.
I'm homophobic against myself
because I feel like I'm a sinner.
But I am a home, I'm not homophobic.
I hate when people tell me I need to call myself queer
because I hate that word.
Well this is why the young people are a little annoying.
I don't care if you call yourself queer.
Yeah, you can call yourself whatever you want.
When girls are like, you need to call yourself queer.
I'm like, you've touched a girl's shoulder, okay?
You are not.
I fucking marched.
I fist.
I've been married, have children.
Like don't tell me I'm like one of the first people who, you know, I'm old school.
That's true.
First of all, I've never marched.
I can barely get out of bed. I was just about to say, where did you, first of all, I've never marched. I can barely get out of bed.
I was just going to say, where did you march?
Nowhere. I've never marched for any.
What thing you marched at?
I will lie and say that I marched as well.
I'm like, where did we, the Garden City Hotel Brunch?
I marched as well.
I marched right from the maitre d' to the table and then right back.
To complain. I'm a Jew.
I've only marched to the maitre d' and said, I don't like my chickens to Ellen. By the way, it's like, and this is why I didn't
last in Austin, Texas. You need Jews to make things good because they have to complain.
You're right. Wasps don't complain. I know. They don't even like to look the waiter in
the eye. You're right. The wasps don't even like to acknowledge that they're there in
an establishment with people lower than them. Jews will complain, you need that.
Elderly people complain.
Every elderly person, if they can speak,
every elderly person complains.
That's right, all of them.
I have a joke, I had dinner with my mother
and she said, I don't like this chicken salad.
I'm like, it didn't even come yet.
It's in the kitchen and you're already complaining.
They love it. It's constant complaining. It's all they kitchen and you're already complaining They love it that it's it's constant complaining it's all they do yeah, because that's what's left
But that's kind of like Caitlin's what 70
Caitlin 74
She's an elderly person
Look at her face wait
74 she really honestly 74 Jessica. I have no, obviously, I have no issue with the trans, I think trans women are hot, like
a lot of them are fucking hot.
But I, the fact that she is homophobic in so many ways and against gay marriage is insane.
But it's interesting because not all gay people and trans people will get along.
And I guess Caitlyn Jenner, she's also 74.
Right.
So she's a, here's the other thing.
She's old.
Right.
She's like an old person.
Well, I know, but she's Hollywood, like she's been around.
Yes.
So it's, I think she does a lot to be in the spotlight.
And do you think she really believes
everything she's saying?
Come on, seriously.
I don't know.
There she goes.
I'll say it retarded, which is spelled wrong.
That is the funniest thing.
What?
But this is a fun, you know, I think she's fun. I know.
I don't know what's going on.
I know you think it's fun.
I get it.
There are, but there are so many.
But she's not the president.
There, I get it.
She doesn't have any power.
But, I know.
She just flies a plane every day.
But there's a lot of homophobic and anti-trans people who are getting off on this.
They love it.
For sure.
But are they getting off on her?
They're thinking it's amazing that a trans person is being anti-trans and anti-gay.
I think it's kind of like a circus.
So I look at it as like it's part of the circus.
But it's funny to me if you're homophobic and anti-trans and that is your leader, that
is the funniest thing to me in the world.
That your leader is a seven foot tall
Caitlyn Jenner?
It's hilarious.
Well.
But there's Ellen with her.
Can we get that up? Can we play that or is that gonna get copyrighted?
Have you heard anything about Ellen? I mean...
Yeah, Ellen's not great, huh?
No.
Ellen is an angry vagina. Why is she so mad?
Well, she doesn't have enough money
She's like a billionaire
Ellen yeah, I've heard so many things about Ellen. I've never met her right
But I've heard that she is just not a nice person.
I mean, I've heard that from personal people
who've worked for her, not just Reddit.
And I know people who have worked in major positions
for her on her television show.
I know people that have worked for her as well.
I know a writer that worked for her.
Very good friends who have worked in major positions.
She's tough.
She's very tough.
And they've all said the same things. I also never liked the fact
that she didn't have comics on her show, ever.
She had like Amy Schumer, I think.
She did not have a lot of comedians.
And as a female comic, or as a comic, period,
forget about female, male,
I would always have comics on.
I would always support comics.
She doesn't seem to like comics.
She doesn't like, I don't think she, first of all,
and she only likes clean comedy, doesn't she?
Is she one of those?
So does Bill Cosby, who rapes people.
But, or maybe he doesn't, like the Holocaust never happened.
You know, I don't, yeah.
We're still waiting on the info.
Yeah, I don't know.
Well, it is weird that she never had a lot of comics.
She only had really A-listers, and then like she would select like people that wrote, somebody
would write a letter, right?
Like my...
Well, maybe if the comic had one eye and was dying of rectal cancer, she'd have them.
Yeah, she might have.
It was always something like that.
She'd go, hey, we just got a letter.
Yeah, like this comedian has one eye and rectal cancer and we're gonna give him a bike
You know, I mean that kind of and he can he can they show up to his house
Yeah, he'd be like his ass would be bleeding. I have a tricycle outside. We're here for you
You know something like that, but he But she never had someone on.
She liked people that were on their way out.
Yeah, of course, because it was no competition for her.
She liked people that were dying.
Right.
They all like people who's gonna die
because it's less competition.
Yeah, they go, bring somebody out to stage four.
They don't even want a stage two.
They go, bring somebody out to stage four.
It's never someone who's gonna be okay.
No, let's give them something and let's get them out of here.
Let's win. Let's get someone who's gonna be okay. No, let's give them something and let's get them out of here. Let's win.
Let's get some good vibes from the audience.
My dream is to meet Oprah.
Oh, we wanna have you on.
We heard that your dad wishes to meet me.
Yeah.
I wanna meet you, Oprah.
I'm not... I'm not feeling...
Well, we love you, and you're gonna have a peaceful time in heaven.
Hallelujah.
Oh God.
Have you met Oprah?
No, I would die if I met Oprah.
She's one of those people I would die.
I don't even think she's real.
I think she's just a wax figure.
She's one of the few people that they still retain that aura of like crazy celebrity.
Yeah.
Where you're like, God.
I met Madonna and I freaked out. I saw Gale King once in first class and it did nothing for me. That's Oprah's lover. It is Oprah's lover, I know. It's clearly Oprah's lover. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I've always thought that. Of course. Yeah. Of course. I also think, I think Stedman and Charles Barkley are together.
Yeah, is Stedman real? This guy that's...
No, I think he's just a tree. I don't know.
It was just funny. It was like back then, everybody like Rosie O'Donnell had a fake
relationship with Tom Cruise. Like everybody just had to kind of just play along.
Yeah.
Right. And everybody had to kind of just, you know, be that.
I know. No, they're definitely... Are they holding hands in that picture with Stedman in the back. No, just the angle
Oh, no, but they're lovers
Your your pointer thing was just on Oprah's nipple. That was hot. Yeah, they're like and Stedman those look at Stedman looking out
Yeah, he's like why am I here? What did I do? What a great job for
a guy to get? Yeah, I mean, he's Oprah's fake husband. Yeah, husband. I know. He just live
in that big estate in Montecito. I mean, wow, I bet Oprah's the bottom. Oh, for sure. Well,
she's so she's such a top in life. Yeah, exactly. I bet. Yeah, I bet Gale beats her with self-help books. Oh, yeah. Well, I think
Gale dangles like a French patient in front of her face and then says, you're a dirty
little whore and then throws it out of the kitchen window. And then Oprah just gets all,
you know, Oprah's down to a zephyr. I love that it all like Oprah's by the way had 50 trainers 45 chefs
every diet
She brought in she used to have this chef Rosie cooking with Rosie this
Then she had this other chef and now she's like, let's just do it shoot up. I get it do it
Do it. Why not? Why not?
Listen, she said every chef you can every chef
Didn't yes. She didn't she put an axe in her mouth once. I mean she's done everything
She's done everything that she can do. They've locked her throat up. They've they've tried they've locked the
kitchen
Her house is so big in Montecito. she has to drive to her kitchen and she still
doesn't. She still gets in her car and drives to her kitchen, changes lanes, parks and goes
to the refrigerator at 2 a.m. She cemented her mouth shut once. Yeah, none of it helps.
None of it helps. She hired Caitlyn Jenner to sit by the refrigerator with a gun. Nothing will do it. She once covered her mouth with Caitlyn Jenner's penis.
Yeah, still didn't.
But I mean, that shows you it's like.
I mean, look at that house, get her house up for a minute.
I mean, that is like a fairy tale.
God, Disney Palace over that is insane.
That is insane.
And she just walks the halls.
She doesn't though.
Yeah, she does.
I mean, before Ozempic, she didn't even walk to the bathroom.
But here's the thing.
So what about her schools?
She had owned a bunch of schools and then they got in trouble because the girls were
being trafficked or something.
She just has in bad press.
What happened?
I don't know.
I heard there were a lot of flies there.
Shortly after the old girl's school opened in 2007, a school matron, Virginia Tiny Macapo
was charged with sexual molesting several girls.
Tiny?
That's not great.
I love that there's tiny.
At the same time, when we flew to South Africa to offer a prayer.
Yeah, but then something else just happened.
Was it a little person that sexually molested?
I'm gonna fuck you!
How's it little tiny person?
Follow the little pussy, follow the little.
Wait, wait a second.
Was that what happened?
Oprah Winfrey, Girls Academy in the spotlight
over claims of abuse of power.
I don't know what this.
I don't remember this.
She has all these schools in Africa
and then I think at these schools
they were having lots of problems. Well
her spiritual advisor also, when you get too rich you get like a guru, you get a
spiritual advisor, it's way out of control and I think her spiritual
advisor went down for like being like all spiritual advisors by the way, like
a serial rapist. You know what I mean? This is just what happened. I love that you just said all spiritual.
Many of them have that problem.
Many of them have that problem.
All of these cults, it's the same.
Oprah's spiritual healer sends to 99 years in prison for rape and trafficking.
Yeah, but look how hot he is.
He calls himself John of God.
Yeah, I mean, I think you...
Is that my stepfather how
You get so rich like Oprah's gotten so rich She's like I just gotta keep looking for the meaning of it one thing that shocks me is how easily taken in rich people are
by grifters
Did you just read what it said? I totally agree with you, but I'm sorry
Girls were forced to have babies to sell.
Oh.
He allegedly operated in Brazil, running farms of young girls
who were forced to have babies to sell.
Victims were often reported missing or murdered
after 10 years of giving birth per multiple outlets.
Oh, my... This is the most beautiful thing I've ever...
And this is Oprah's spiritual advisor.
She endorsed him a decade ago. This is unbelievably horrific. And this is Oprah's spiritual advisor.
She endorsed him a decade ago.
This is unbelievably horrific.
But she said she hopes justice is served.
Isn't it funny?
She hopes.
Justice is served.
She hopes.
She's not gonna do anything about it,
but she really hopes it's taken care of.
You think she'd go like,
hey, I was wrong on that one.
Hey guys.
No, she can't take responsibly.
John, I got like those 18 diets I recommended,
I was wrong
My spiritual advisor turned out to be a human trafficker and all the chefs I brought on that made me thin none of them worked either
Because they all know how to make pancakes, you know She would move them into the house like literally they would put they would have these my grandmother was like
The biggest Oprah fan every day at 4 p.m
Really? She watched Oprah like every day at 4 p.m. Really? She watched Oprah. Like every Long Island woman ever.
Yeah. And then like Oprah would like be with
that she'd bring in these chefs and she's like, this is the chef.
And it was like Chef Rosie or Chef whoever.
Yeah. And then, you know, eventually they
she they put out a cookbook.
They'd become millionaires. Right.
Multi-millionaires, multi-millionaires.
And then Oprah, like I guess then they would just get axed. I don't know what happened. I guess Oprah was just like,
I'm sick of this. Well, she wouldn't lose weight. She wouldn't lose weight. Maybe she ate them.
And then she wanted, they just wanted more food. She's like, I want candy. Get the fuck out.
Did you ever read that Bethany Frankel book, you know, the Housewife from New York? I texted with
her the other day. I'd never really spoken to her.
She's a friend of Whitney Cummings.
She's a sweet woman.
But her book is, like, naturally thin.
And you read the book, and it's like,
just don't eat.
Like, that's the whole book.
I'm sorry. Listen.
It's just so funny.
That's not okay.
No, I know. She's like...
I'm a food addict. I'm an addict.
We've talked about this a million times.
Of course.
I'm in recovery. I'm a food addict.
I can't have one piece of bread. I fuck my face with bread. We've, you and I talked about this a million times. I'm in recovery. I'm a food addict. I can't have one piece of bread.
I fuck my face with bread.
We've talked about this before.
Like some of-
Don't eat.
Okay, don't do crack.
Don't do coke.
Yeah, Bethany, she'll be like,
eat the rainbow.
That's one of her rules.
She's like, eat the rainbow.
How do you eat a rainbow?
I wanna find out,
cause I love Skittles.
What does that mean, don't eat?
Eat the rainbow.
Eat different colored food.
She's like, then she has one where she goes,
taste everything, eat nothing. And it's like, okay.
Okay, I, sorry,
but you know what? Can I do the show
with her? This is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard in my whole life.
What?
Has she ever heard of addicts?
Of addiction? No, I think
that, I guess it's advice for people
that don't have any of those issues.
Okay, does she say that? She needs to say that.
She might say it, but she might not.
If she says it, then I have no problem with it.
If she doesn't say it, it's not okay.
This is like advice for, I guess, housewives that are bored.
But if, okay, that's fine.
But if she needs to say that, because if it's for all women, then it's very, it's offensive to people.
Listen, listen, ready? It's all a misconception.
Being naturally thin isn't some state
of being beyond your grasp.
You are naturally thin.
No.
You just have to make a few simple changes
to let your natural thinness. Everyone's naturally thin?
Yeah, that's not.
That's not true. It's genetic.
Yeah, it's not true.
She goes, I found the secrets.
I got naturally thin for life
and I wanna share those secrets with you.
I, I, I, okay.
I, I. My share those secrets with you. I, I, I, okay. I, I.
My mother had all the diets.
My mother had everything.
Every diet known to man.
You're not naturally thin.
It's all, a lot of it is what you come from.
Some people are.
No, I'm saying, I'm sorry, I should not have said that.
Some people are.
Some people are born and they're going to be thin.
Yes. A lot of to be thin. Yes.
A lot of it is genetic.
Yes.
A lot of it is genetic.
A lot.
And some people don't have to worry about it.
They don't have the issue.
They don't have it.
Sure.
But a lot of people have to think about it.
And the poison in the food system in America.
100%.
Is terrible.
It's horrific.
It's not good.
Horrific. And in other countries,
like the one I'm in right now while people are watching this, they are not allowed to put
plastic and ranch dressing or like they're not even allowed to really have ranch dressing, but
like they're not allowed to have the level of poison that we have in the food. We allow it.
We allow corporations to do anything they want and if they want to pollute food that
children eat they're allowed to do it. In other countries they say no.
In other countries they don't have cookie ice cream sandwich breakfast cereal.
You know what I mean? Other countries will not have like waffle bacon bomb breakfast cereal.
They're not allowed. It's Franken food. We have Franken food. Our food doesn't even make sense anymore.
It's like confusing. Like there was a dish of Denny's that was salted caramel,
bananas, foster pancakes.
Steak.
Steak, right. Chicken fried steak. It doesn't even sound good half of it.
No, it doesn't.
No, it's so Franken food. It's all weird.
Yeah, peanut butter, lamb chop.
Yeah, it's so franken food it's all weird yeah peanut butter lamb chop yeah Frank too many too
many things that are going on at once I know because people are out of control
and I understand if you're okay right now in this world there's something wrong
you're a killer well that's something wrong with you
on sociopath yeah you really are but But you know what? Just listen to Bethany. Just don't eat.
Well, taste the rainbow. Eat the rainbow.
What? Okay.
I'm sure it works for some people.
Of course it does, because they don't have a food issue.
And they can just do that. Just like someone can have one drink or a sip of a...
That would be like if you wrote a book about alcoholism, you said... It's the same thing.
Just try a bunch of different wines. I don't eat bread. I haven't had bread orally
in three years. Right.
I have a Kaiser roll in my asshole, but I haven't had bread orally in three years. I
don't eat pasta. I don't eat cookies. I don't eat... I can't. I can't have one cookie. I
will eat 846 of them in a week. Right. It's addiction.
Of course it is. Yeah, for sure. I can't. I can't have one cookie. I will eat 846 of them in a week. Right. It's addiction.
Of course it is.
Yeah, for sure.
And that's how I lost a ton of weight. I'm addicted to food.
But some people are not. They don't have to worry about it.
Caitlyn Jenner's not.
No, she's addicted to being homophobic.
She might be the only healthy person in this country.
Caitlyn Jenner.
No, I think there's some other ones too. I think there's a lot.
She's a fudge. Who would you freak out to meet?
I'm dying to ask you this.
Like what's a celebrity?
Oh, interesting.
Like who's the, if there's one or two or three.
Woody Allen.
Let me tell you why.
But let me tell you why.
Cause he's also a child molester.
But I wanna know if he's guilty or not.
I wanna look in his eyes and go, is it a problem?
Did you do it?
I think the extra, the added thing of like,
yes, I grew up watching all of his movies
and I think he's brilliant,
but also that added thing of meeting him
and just trying to make a judgment,
like, Ken, do you, right, what, right, right,
if I looked in there, would I see anything?
But I don't know, maybe I wouldn't,
maybe I wouldn't know.
He's also one of those Oprah-like figures to me
where like,
he's only gonna be on Earth for a little while longer.
He's kind of a staple in New York, the city that I love and I grew up in.
Well, he's around a lot of kids, which makes you young.
Do you think he did it?
Yes.
Yeah, it's not. I know.
But I understand when people...
I don't judge people for their opinions. Some people don't know I was with him to like episode three or four in that
documentary and then that was the rough one yeah there was one episode where I
went oh no yeah it's like fuck yeah everyone was like but you got to see
episode four or something and I'm like okay yeah and then I watched it and I
was like damn it cuz you don't want it to be true obviously yeah did you who
else anyone else that I would freak out to me yeah OJ Simpson because not only You don't want it to be true, obviously. Yeah. Did you, who else? Anyone else?
That I would freak out to meet?
Yeah.
OJ Simpson.
Because not only, no I'm kidding.
Um, OJ, who would I freak out to meet?
Who would I be, that it would be really cool for me to meet?
Um, I think it would be really cool to meet like a David Letterman.
Yeah.
Because I watched him every night when I could when I was younger.
I never liked him.
Interesting.
Never.
I would always just have him on.
I think he's brilliant.
I think he's really smart, but I think he I think there's two different kinds of comics,
comic figures who are takers and givers.
And I've always thought he's a taker.
Interesting.
Yeah, I've never I never had any.
You're a giver.
I've always laughed at you because of that.
I've never had any knowledge of him other than he was this guy that was a brilliant guy that I was brilliant
I don't know I sign felt to be interesting to me because I'm fearing never met him. I've never met him
I'm kind of a serious in New York. His wife's a fan. His wife likes what I do on Instagram
Yeah, she seems I've lived in LA for five years. Oh, right. I'm on the road a lot
I'm like LA and then on the road then I'm here occasionally, I'm here in the summers and stuff.
I might see them this summer.
He'd be cool because again,
these are people that you grow up watching
and they take on, you know, David Spade in LA,
that I hang out with Spade, we'll have dinner.
He's amazing because I grew up watching Spade.
Yeah.
It's weird when you start hanging out with someone
that you were a fan of.
That's really weird. That's really, really weird. It's wild. Yeah. It's weird when you start hanging out with someone that you were a fan of. That's really weird. It's crazy.
That's really, really weird. It's wild.
Yeah. And when you're with someone who's a huge celebrity, you're like,
they are so normal that, and people freak out over them.
Yeah. Or you meet people and immediately you're like, oh, like that would have
been great to not.
Of course.
You know?
I wish I didn't know that.
There's a lot of, there's a lot, cause to me, I'm like, I wish I didn't know that there's a lot of there's a lot cuz to me I'm like a
Lot of people that I'm fans of I don't need to meet a lot of great actors
I just they're great and I could leave them. Yeah, I know as actors and they don't you know, yeah
I know it's not I feel like the people who are
Not always but for the most part the most famous are the easier for me to be around.
Sure. It's like the people who are less... Because they're not like hungry and trying.
Yeah. It's not... Yeah. You know? People that are kind of... You know, we were in Nobu the other day.
Taylor Swift was there. DiCaprio was there. Travis Kalse. Wow. Robert De Niro, who I know you know.
They were all there and they were all just, you know, and then people freak out over them. But
like, by the way, I think that's happening less and less.
I think so, too. It's not like it was.
It's not like it was. I think it's dying down.
I think ultimately the future is, you know, it is that Andy Warhol quote.
Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Yeah. Now, I have to ask you about Travis and and the fuck is her name?
Well, who is her name? Well, who is her name? Oh my God, I'm forgetting the most famous singer in the...
Taylor.
Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift.
Yeah.
I think he's hot and I don't even...
I'm not into...
I mean, obviously I'm not with men.
Is he hot?
He's a good looking guy for sure.
I mean, he seems...
He's gorgeous.
He's a good looking guy.
I mean, she's beautiful, but like...
They're very pretty people. They seem happy. They seem, you know, I'm not a huge fan. I don't,
I don't, I think she's very talented, but it's not, I've never been like a,
I've never been like head over heels.
Me too, because she's too, it's too positive.
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, it's all good.
I need to be like, I'm dying in the corner, slitting my wrists.
Yeah, that's why the 90s were awesome, man.
Yeah.
Weren't the 90s great?
Amazing.
Every song was like, I killed you!
You killed me!
We killed each other in a kitchen!
Every song in the 90s was like-
I stabbed my mother, I stabbed my father, my kids are dying and I never felt better.
That was why the 90s were great.
Burn me alive in the kitchen, burn me alive in the temple of hell.
That's what I want.
I want those bitches back.
Those fucking Fiona Apples and Tracy Bottoms and Alanis Morissette and Anandas Marce and people that were just like
I drank a beer and crashed my car into a wall
You looked at me with eyes of hatred in the morning
My daddy you died with the guns in your head
And now every song is like
We were sitting on your porch
and we were drinking the tea that your mother made.
We were sitting in my old car.
I miss that car.
Everything's nostalgia.
I miss that car.
Everything's nostalgia.
Everyone is so broken.
The whole Ares tour is a bunch of broken people
that want to relive summer camp at Camp Onondaga
when they first heard this crap.
I just can't, I just want like,
I was alone when I was born and I'll be alone
when I die, when I die.
I mean, please kill me, please my baby,
kill me, stab me in the throat.
Here's my baby, kill me, stab me in the throat.
Now it's like, my mother, the bond that we have is so simple, simple like the honey in the tree.
Well, it's like, it's also like very like,
I get it, because it's like the eighties are back,
because we went too crazy.
Yeah, but it's too positive.
Everyone wants to die now. It's not real.
It's too positive.
It is very, like...
Can you imagine singing like that about horrible things?
Here's what I...
There's war in the Middle East, we're all gonna die.
Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da.
I think now, and I've discussed this with people,
my theory is that this is the revenge of the basic.
Right now.
Right.
Like the basic bitch, and it's not a gender thing.
I know a lot of guys that are basic bitches too,
so don't give me that.
What do you mean by that?
Meaning it's the live laugh love,
Ugg boot wearing kind of Nashville.
Burn it all down.
It's not real.
It's like very basic, kind of heavily sedated, somewhat medicated, which is fine, but like,
you know what I mean?
It's like very basic, like kind of white women energy, like offended at everything, but not
really.
And then also like very basic.
There it is.
There it is. Starbucks. Yeah. Starbuck, yeah.
Yeah, it's like Starbucks, it's like.
It's the TikToks too.
Yeah, it's just very basic.
I think that people like that now are ascendant.
Yeah.
And the culture is reflecting that
because we went through this traumatic nightmare hell
of COVID, right?
Yeah.
Where we understand coming through that people,
the basic is back in a big way.
It has to be,
cause everyone's traumatized.
Every podcast now is like two girls
and it's called Avocados and My Cunt.
And it's about dating.
That's hot by the way.
I have an avocado in mind.
And there's something wrong with it,
but it's just like,
it's two women who discuss dating
for 30, 36 hours a week.
And they're like, oh my God.
I just tell them like, if they don't call me back,
I'm like, don't try me again,
because like, I'm not gonna be ghosted.
You know what I mean?
It's really a ghost, I'm like, I don't know.
Right, right, it's that, it's that.
It's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, it's like, welcome to
bathroom talk. I'm Sarah and this is Shawna. And we're here. We have 1500 hours of content
on our Patreon if you want to subscribe where we discuss what it's like to get fisted and
then have to meet the guy's parents an hour later.
And it's like, I can tell he's smelling his fist
every time at the restaurant.
I'm like so uncomfortable.
Fisted!
We're going on a live tour.
It's called Bathroom Talk Live.
Get those vapes and those cigarettes, prop open the window.
We're ditching biology.
And they're billionaires, by the way.
Billionaires, they're selling out arenas.
They're billionaires, they're billionaires.
But it's the revenge of the basic and God bless them and God love them, we love them.
We love them, we love them.
And it's just a revenge of the...
As somebody who looks at culture and finds it interesting, it's the kind of the basic thing has returned.
You know what's nice though? They like ass play.
Yes!
Yeah. Of course, no I mean it's... That's the one positive thing about it. It's a great nice though? They like ass play. Yes! Yeah. Of course.
That's the one positive thing about it. It's a great thing that the ass has opened up. Yeah, it's very open and it's
it's accessible. I love Mack Weldon
underwear and everybody that I know that wears it loves it too. It's breathable underwear that keeps you cool, dry and comfy all day.
Crazy comfortable, elevated sweatpants,
an upgraded classic polo with anti-microbial silver threads,
an ultra soft anti-microbial tee
for when you need to stay fresh longer.
I mean, these look like regular clothes,
but they really are the latest in modern comfort.
They're the go-to choice for guys who wanna look great
without even trying.
They're not flashy, it's just classic style. They're always there, always in style. They're
made from the world's most comfortable performance materials. Some guys want to look good without
calling attention to themselves. They want to let their personalities do the talking.
Mack Weldon apparel gives you understated good looks for understated confidence. The fit of Mack Weldon style is amazing.
You feel great when you wear them.
You get a confidence boost knowing you're looking the best
without even trying.
The materials are great.
They keep you comfortable and dry.
They don't bunch up.
You don't look like, you know,
you just got off a 36 hour hour flight get timeless looks with modern comfort
from mac weld and go to mac weld and.com they're offering 20% off your first order with promo code
tim it's very generous of them if you go to mac weld and.com it's a great way to get some great
get some great clothing and underwear and support the show that is M A C K W E L D O N dot com promo code T I M you're gonna get 20% off your first order go
try this right now if you haven't we love it we've got all these clothes here
at the show and everybody has been raving about them so go and do this
Bluetooth is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients
as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but in chewable tablets at a fraction of the
cost. You can take them anytime, day or night. So you can plan ahead or be ready
whenever an opportunity arises. The process is simple. Sign up at
Bluetooth.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers. And once
you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part
it's all done online. No visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations,
no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Bluechoose tablets are made in the USA
and prepared and shipped direct to your door in a discreet package. Everybody I
know that uses Bluechoose, I mean it is the best. Everybody loves it. I use it when I drive.
Forget sex, it's fun to have an erection while you drive.
They always say there's nothing sexier than confidence, and
Bluetooth can help give you confidence where it counts.
And we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Try Bluetooth free when you use our promo code TIM
at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping.
That's Bluetooth.com promo code TIM
to receive your first month free.
Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank blue true for sponsoring
the podcast. Do you like the burbs? You live in the burbs. Speaking of ass, do you like
the burbs? Do you like the suburbs? I do. I like the greenery. I like the lawns, the,
you know, I like kiddos. would you move in this city or no?
At this point. Yes, because I miss being in the city and I miss most of my friends live in the city I'm just more comfortable for me, but I would never you know, I can't write of course. I mean eventually yes
But like you like LA you hate it. I don't hate LA at all. I love going I'd only
I don't hate LA at all. I love going. I'd only, ugh, I'd live there to like film something for six months But I couldn't live there full-time. Why does everyone say that? Well because I am such a New Yorker
I grew up in New Jersey. It's in my blood. I'm not a Long Islander
I live there, but I'm really Jersey. See, Long Islanders can transition to LA. I know I'm not a Long Islander. I live there, but I'm not a Long Islander.
Because Long Islanders for whatever reason can do it because I get it
The burbs I love Jersey. We love the burbs and LA's just the burbs. So I know do it
I mean people suck there, but people suck where I'm from right?
They tell a lot of shit. I know where you're from you know where I'm from. I know it very well
I live around there. It's very similar to LA people
Yeah, like those jappy girls and jappy guys and just all of us had tried to be jappy, but
we were Catholics and didn't have money.
All of that is in LA.
They're just Persian.
I know.
It's very similar.
And then people who want to be Per...
It's the same thing.
Right.
I mean, I love the weather in LA is absolutely perfect.
It can be, yeah.
Yeah.
I just, I love it there and I have a ton of friends there.
Yeah.
But I also would buy a big house in the in the Berkshires
or something in the mountains. Like, that's also a lesbian move.
No, it's not. I'm not that kind of lesbian.
A man like beaches and deserts.
Lesbians do like farms and mountains.
I'm not. Am I a farm lesbian?
No, I'm not saying that.
I mean, I wouldn't even know what the I don't even know.
Every time we go to Whitney Cummings' house, all she does is promise there's gonna be mega celebrities,
and it's always just Melissa Etheridge. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah.
But it's always just Melissa Etheridge.
I know.
And horrible food.
Really?
Whitney always brings in some woman chef who's wearing like horse leather,
and has a big Instagram presence, and then like makes the worst food ever.
And I'm just, I go and eat Melissa Atherage's pussy
just so I can satiate myself.
That's a bit of this.
No, it's never good.
Whitney's never, but Whitney has a gorgeous house.
A fucking amazing house.
But she never kills it with the food.
Yeah, no, I'm not that kind of lesbian at all.
I'm not that kind of lesbian at all. They eat't eat. I'm not that kind of lesbian at all.
They eat through a needle, these people.
At a certain price point.
In LA, certain income bracket eat through the needle.
I get it.
But I'm not that kind of lesbian at all,
where I would want to be.
I like it as like the second home kind of,
you know, go on the weekends, that kind of.
I always see you in like an inner ring suburb,
like a suburb that's like close to the city,
you get in, do what you want.
That's my thing.
I grew up in New Jersey in South Orange.
It's kinda nice.
It is kinda nice to get out.
It is, I just like space.
I don't like feeling confined,
but the only way I would live in the city again,
and this might sound gross, but I'm sorry, it's the truth.
I'm not gonna lie, is to have a big apartment.
I can't live in a tiny, I've done it.
I did it for years and I'm older now. I can't live in a fucking tiny little apartment
I just can't no I know and I was very fat when I did so I would get stuck in the apartment
And sometimes that I have to scissor my way out
Yeah, I mean it was really wrong with that you know it was I was I lived in I was enormous
And I would live in seriously just a room with like, you know. That's New York.
It was crazy.
It's tough because everything is so expensive now,
it's so fucking crazy and it doesn't bear
any resemblance to reality.
Yeah.
You're like, how in God's name
are people paying for any of it?
And then you realize they're not,
it's a lot of laundered money, foreign money, oligarchs,
billionaires, all foreign money.
Right, you told me about LA too, didn't you?
It's all the same thing.
You look at the price of everything
and it goes way too much money for,
and then you look at incomes.
You're like, who's making this money?
I know.
Who is making the money?
Who can buy a $14 million second home in Malibu?
It's a beach house, no one lives here year round. 14 million dollar second home in Malibu. It's insane.
It's a beach house, no one lives here, you're around.
14 million second home.
Yeah.
And then you start looking at all these rich people,
you go, oh they own every, it's like a tiny frac,
a small section of people own everything.
Yeah.
I've done fine and I own things too.
People are gonna yell at me now, they go,
you own a few things, and, nah, nah, nah.
You've worked your ass off.
I've worked my ass off, but it's like nothing
I have is as nice as is what I would want and that's the real tragedy truly. No, I mean
It's truly most of us want more. Yeah, and I you know
You also like you don't still have a place in Austin. Do you I do I rented it out to a man who screams
I hired a woman who's a
I do I rented it out to a man who screams I hired a woman who's a
Person she takes care of my properties. That's not the one in Florida. No, it's a woman. You know, you actually know this woman I'm not gonna say her name on the podcast
But I think I know who it is. You know it is. Yeah, she's very good
I'm really good at that stuff, but he's torturing her every day. Oh, no
He calls her every day and he goes
uh I don't understand are you guys gonna like do the uh are you gonna renovate
the... Oh get rid of him. Yeah he goes are you gonna renovate the uh the playhouse
back out back and you go that's a dog kennel it's not a playhouse I bought it
from someone they had a Rottweiler he lived in the in that and it's not a playhouse. Is his kid playing in it?
His kid's like a baby.
So I'm like, if you wanna do that,
if you wanna make that a playhouse, you can do that.
God bless.
But I'm not gonna make it a play, like this is absurd.
Oh, that's crazy.
So it's a crazy tenant who's making her life a living hell
and then she calls me.
I mean, we pay her obviously,
but I feel bad because she calls me.
Well, why can't you get rid of him if he's that...
Well, he's got a lease.
Oh, OK.
And he's paying.
I know he's probably...
So you can complain.
You just got to pay.
I mean, the things he wants are just not realistic.
Right. How long does he have a lease for?
Two years.
Jesus. Yeah.
Wow. Two years. I sold my house in LA just sold you did
closed yeah oh wow beautiful home but it was you know there's a lot of
geological issues where I was in Laurel Canyon that's where my stepbrother
mudslide took out Mulholland Drive there's a lot of Geo grant there's
issues there's no issues in Hamptons none. None. Yeah
Hamptons is great and your house is beautiful there
Yeah, there's other parts of the country that there are no issues
there's other parts of LA if I get a house again in LA down the road, it'll be by the beach or
In in the in a flat section. I mean look at the mudslide. That's down the block from my house. Really? Yeah
That took down the block from my house. Really? Yeah.
That took out the road. Wow. They just put the road back. The winter's in it. Look at that. That's down the block.
The winters in LA are getting so fucking crazy that we're having this in Laurel Canyon is the
worst place to live. It's all mud hills. It's not like mountains. It's like mud hills.
Yeah. Zach lives right. What's where? Oh, well, it doesn't matter Yeah, Zach lives right, where, what, where,
oh well it doesn't matter.
Yeah, I was up, but I'm done now,
so you can go kill the people that live there now.
You're not gonna kill me, I'm not gonna be there.
It doesn't matter to me, I'm gone.
If you're trying to kill me,
you know it's not gonna happen there.
I'm out of there.
So when you go, you just stay at a hotel.
Beverly Hills Hotel, love it, it's the best.
And then eventually I'll get something,
I'll get something down the road, but I want to be flat
I want to be on flat line. I would not I don't want I hate driving up there, but I don't want yeah
I want out I get nauseous every time I drive up there. I want to live like a Persian in the Beverly Hills flat
I want a white couches and like
Crystal chandeliers, I want to wear a burka and I want to convert to Islam and I just want to be like that guy.
I love wearing a burka because then I can fuck my face under it and no one sees.
No one, this is what I kind of want. I kind of want to...
Who's that fat chick from the
selling the Shazza Sunset, MJ, that fatty boom baddie?
Where's MJ from selling Sunset?
That's Golnessa.
Golnessa's on Ozempic.
She weighs 18 pounds.
Get the fatty, Mj, because that's why we're on that call.
Who's not on Ozempic?
Everybody's on it right now.
They're right there.
We're going to, yeah, that's the way I'm going to dress.
She's fat?
She's chubbs.
But look, look to the right.
That's chubby for LA.
That's not chubby.
Well, I understand.
She has huge tits. This is what I want to dress like. And go to the left. Go to the right. That's chubby for LA. That's not chubby. Well, I understand. She has huge tits.
This is what I want to dress like.
And go to the left.
Go to the left.
Like her?
The second picture in.
The second picture in, up right there.
Make that big.
This is how I want to dress.
Like her?
That's exactly what I want to dress.
That's how I want my hair to be.
I want to have a long hair.
I want you to come.
I want to be trans.
I'm not going to take off my dick,
but this is what you're going to see.
If I saw you like that, I would...
When I get to LA, that's my not gonna take off my dick, but this is what you're gonna see
If I saw you like that I would laugh so hard I would throw up I know that's what I want. That's the goal
I'm not a canyon person. I want to be by the beach. I want to be like in the suburbs and like Beverly Hills I don't like this Canyon life. I don't like where people from LA pretend to be cowboys.
I understand.
Look at the picture with the gold, her boobs.
Can you please blow that?
Look how big the boobies are.
Oh my God. Who is this?
What is that?
She's something else.
Is that a trophy?
I don't know who that is.
She's got some real.
I have never seen anything like that.
She's serious.
God bless her.
That looks like the platter my grandmother left me when she died.
I've never seen boobs. I mean, they're just very condensed and like thick.
So horny.
I love it so much. I love the...
Do you like boobs?
I don't mind them.
I mean, they're kind of like a food.
I don't mind them. Yeah.
I mean, they're kind of like a food.
Morgan & Morgan is America's largest personal injury law firm.
It's 2024.
It's time to talk about something important.
If you were injured by the negligence of another, you deserve to be paid.
Life can be crazy sometimes, and one person's negligence can result in another settlement.
If you're in an accident, not calling a lawyer means you could be leaving money on the table.
When you're seriously hurt, but your injury could be worth millions,
if you're ever injured, you could check out Morgan & Morgan.
Okay, they are the biggest.
They've got a hundred offices nationwide and more than a thousand lawyers.
With over $20 billion recovered from 500,000 clients,
Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation.
Submitting an injury claim with Morgan & Morgan is so easy.
This is true.
I know a lot of people have used them.
They're always very happy.
They do not get paid unless you collect.
If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan.
Their fee is free unless they win.
For more information, go to forthepeople.com.
Or dial pound law, pound 529 from your cell phone. unless they win. For more information go to forthepeople.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com.com tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple.
Bel Air Direct.
Insurance simplified.
Listen to this, Bentley CEO says low sales are from emotionally sensitive clients not
wanting to show off nice cars in recession.
I don't believe that.
I don't either.
I don't believe that.
That sounds like a real interesting way to like justify the soft numbers.
Yeah. Oh, now they care? They're upset. That sounds like a real interesting way to like justify the soft numbers.
Oh, now they care?
They're upset, maybe they think they're going to be stolen.
Maybe they think the cars are going to be stolen, but this idea that like people are sensitive about driving a nice car during the recession doesn't make any sense.
First of all, there's always a recession. When has there not been a recession?
There's been a recession my whole life. There's always poor people.
There's never been a time there hasn't been a recession since I was born.
Yeah, there's always something happening.
Yeah, and do you think anyone gives a fuck what people think about what car they're driving?
No, no. They don't. These people...
Do you think a rich person's like, I'm gonna get a Camry so no one feels uncomfortable?
No, no one feels that way. Wasps do it out in the Hamptons.
They drive beaters because they're like gazillionaires,
billionaires.
But like regular rich people, absolutely not.
Absolutely not, they don't care.
But it's just funny, there's some guy at Bentley
who's like, we gotta give somebody,
we gotta give somebody a justification
for why people aren't, I think it's a lot of it's crime.
People are worried about like their car being fucked with. Yup.
That's what they're worried about.
You're totally right and I just think people aren't into them that much anymore.
Yeah, people aren't into maybe nicer cars.
Right, but I think really they're not just not as popular.
That's maybe what it is.
Yeah, I really do.
Even though our customers can still afford our cars, there was a level of emotional sensitivity that slowed down demand complete lie
Yeah, people are just too angry at their parents. So they're not buying well
There's still by the way
I see a ton of I have a Bentley and I see tons of Bentley's in Miami and Beverly Hills and the North Shore of Long Island
There's Bentley's I see them. I see them
I'm out there on Long Island a lot of people have electric cars because gas is fucking stupid
I was thinking that when you brought up the article.
So every time I fill up in LA I go this is kind of dumb to have.
This is kind of stupid.
Have you ever had an electric car?
No.
Yeah.
I don't like them.
I don't either.
They don't feel good inside.
I feel like-
Teachers drive them.
I know.
Yeah.
And I hate teachers.
I feel like I'm on the ground when I'm in them.
That's right. Yeah.
It just doesn't feel great.
It doesn't feel like you're being taken care of.
I feel I don't. In an electric car.
How do you you have a bunch of your mother?
How are the children and the teachers and the college and the craziness?
And how is it out there?
Well, my oldest is going to college
and I'm a little freaked out by the whole thing.
It just seems so intense right now.
It's like so, I don't know.
It's like what is happening?
Can kids just go to college and have a great time?
I had the time, the best time in my life
was when I went to college, University of Maryland.
I think she'll have a great time.
No, she will, because that's who she is.
I think she'll have a great time. But, she will, because that's who she is. I think she'll have a great time.
But yeah, I think the pressures that are different now
than they were.
Yeah, I just want them to be kids.
There used to be a pressure where it was like,
I got to figure out how to earn money
and make a life for myself.
That pressure doesn't exist anymore,
because none of these kids think about that.
But now there's a pressure where they're like,
I got to live my dreams, know what my dreams are,
live them, self-actualize, be mentally healthy,
except my TikTok tells me I have 10 mental problems
I may or may not have.
I know.
I gotta make sure I'm being a good person,
I gotta have the right opinions,
I gotta be with the right people.
It's hard.
There's a lot of shit going on that I think pulls kids
in a lot of different directions.
I also think they know too much.
They know way too much.
And they're seeing so much online.
And like when we, when I, sorry I'll talk for myself, when I was growing up I really literally had no idea what the fuck was going on in the world.
Right.
And it was better that way.
Yes.
Because I wasn't mature enough to understand really what was happening.
I wasn't educated enough to know what was happening.
And I, I, I, I, I'm glad I didn't know a lot. I really didn't. It was
it was way I knew there was like a war going on somewhere but I I didn't really
understand it and I it would have affected me too much. I was too immature
and that was the war of 1812. So your parents did communicate that to you, that we were still trying to hold on to the country.
We're dating ourselves.
I want you to know.
I just want it back.
By the way, was there a better decade?
Jenko jeans, big jeans, coffee house
with big fishbowl-sized mochachinos.
Oh, please.
You slunk down in big purple chairs and you listen to an angry white woman scream about
her trauma with a guitar.
Just screaming and banging.
Hey you!
All you do is lie!
All you do is lie to me!
And they would all do that.
They'd go, you, me!
Yeah.
You don't even know who I am.
Why do you think I'm available when all I want to do
is hurt myself?
I killed myself four times last night for you, for you.
There was no better time you would smoke a joint in Long Beach, Long Island, and you
would sit in a coffee house and you would listen to some-
I'm sorry, I'm still on that.
I died last night, I died today, I'll die tomorrow cause I'm going to hell.
Yeah I mean it's just like I miss
That kind of angst that kind of little dark kind of everybody everyone everyone you knew was kind of wiccan
Every girl was kind of wiccan they had a healthy everyone was suicidal
Everyone was suicidal. Everyone had a healthy relationship with the dark arts. Yeah, it Harry Potter before Harry Potter. It was just a fun decade.
Kurt Cobain, friends, Frazier, Seinfeld,
diners that served good food.
People didn't act, like every job wasn't like,
you know you get on a train now in Long Island,
you used to be able to go like, you barely had a ticket,
you're like, oh I don't have a ticket, they're like whatever.
They didn't care.
Now every job acts like they're an extension
of the Department of Homeland Security.
You walk into a frozen yogurt place,
you're like, how can I help you?
It's like, hey.
Everyone is enraged.
I've been doing a whole bit about that.
I'm like, I didn't force you to get this fucking job.
I know, everyone's mad.
Can you not take this out on me?
Everyone's mad.
Enraged.
I'm like, can I have whole milk?
I'll get it soon.
Like, mom, why are you talking to me like this? Everyone's mad and rage. I'm like, can I have whole milk? I'll get it soon. Like I'm mom
Why are you talking to me? Yeah, it's just during the 90s. No one took anything serious
You're right. Everybody was a slacker and embrace kind of that gen X who cares mentality now
Everybody is both at the same time
incredibly committed and
incredibly incompetent. Oh my god, they are.
They're very committed to this job
that they don't know how to do
and are angry that they have.
So it's very strange.
They're like very official
and also have no idea what's going on.
They're like, I'm the mayor of Starbucks,
but they can't foam the milk.
And they, right, they're incompetent,
but they're like, yeah.
You need a code, like I go near the bathroom, they're like, you need a code. I'm like, hey, I'm national security advisor,
relax. You get frisked to go into the bathroom. It's insane. And dude, in the 90s, like people
would just kind of, kind of not care what you did. Yeah. They didn't really care. Because
everyone's filled with fear now. I'm serious. That's right. It's true. They're seeing too
much. Oh my God. This all came down because, oh, show that they confiscated the with fear now. I'm serious. That's right. It's true. They're seeing too much.
Oh my God.
This all came down because show that they confiscated the gavel now.
This is Morgan and Morgan, the fucking, the goddamn it.
What's happening over there?
They confiscated this gavel.
Morgan and Morgan is the America's largest personal injury law firm.
And they've done the right thing by sponsoring the show with this gavel that says size matters show the gentleman no show him enjoying himself
as he confiscates the gavel he's famous now his friends will tell him he
confiscated the gavel so all we have is this wait he took your gavel away he
took the gavel because it's a weapon and we're supposed to have it on the desk
Morgan and Morgan America's largest personal injury law firm.
Looks like Caitlyn Jenner's dick.
Yes, it is. They also confiscated that.
But it is, I just miss that kind of sensibility where people every day wasn't the most important day of everyone's life.
I hate to say it and it might sound like I'm all and I'm on TikTok and and all of it's
72 I'm on a constant all day and night. I think it's amazing and I laugh at it constantly but it's killing our society
It's bad. It's dead. It's not even killing it. It's good. We're gone. What is it? Is it just the constant?
Because I'm not on it. I
Know I don't have followers on it. I don't care about it. I'm on it, I have a million followers, it's bad.
I know, you're killing it on there.
It's really bad, it's bad.
I mean, I love my fans and I'm putting up clips, you know, crowd work, because I did
a special for whoever, why you put, oh she only does crowd work, because I'm not going
to put my fucking material up for you to see it, I'm not going to make money, you're an
idiot.
But anyway, the point is that everyone's seeing too much.
It's so depressing.
It's like, yes, some of it's funny, but there and a lot of it is, you know, it's,
it's not real. They're not educated.
They're they're seeing one side.
They're seeing one side.
And it's a lot of it's to get you angry.
Go exactly. It's again, it's addicting.
I get addicted to it.
It's a lot of It's very addictive, but it is a weird
It's a weird thing to constantly be stimulated. Yes by this app
By this algorithm that's job is to keep you engaged and the only way to keep people engaged is either entertain them or piss them off
And it's much harder to entertain people than it is than it is to piss them off
I'm sure so you can easily piss them off think about I mean
Everything when we were growing up was conversations. It was talking to someone everything is on the phone now
Everything right everything is like everything winky face
Literally, we covered this horrible story in Arizona that a kid was killed by these
other kids at a party and they all went on Snapchat and TikTok and talked about killing
the kid.
Are you kidding me?
I swear to God.
I didn't hear that.
They all have these...
I went down there and I met the family of the kid.
It was pretty crazy.
You did?
Yeah.
They're great people. Oh my God.
But the thing is these kids go on Snapchat and start talking about it and alright, alright,
come on. They go on Snapchat and can you find the Snap? Find the Snap. And they literally
write, I just killed a kid. I think I'm too strong
They literally he wrote this they're writing things on
There's so well, it's sociopath you can see how
We are creating a generation of sociopaths. That's what I mean I have a whole bit online where nobody thinks that kids in the future everybody's just concerned with AI
We've given up on the kids politicians don't even talk about kids anymore.
They used to.
Every politician used to just talk about kids.
No one does.
Everyone talks about AI.
If you even bring up kids, people go, who cares?
What about the AI?
Yeah, I hit a kid and this kid hit his head,
and then they kicked his head in,
and then I got word he died.
I don't know.
Like they're communicating on these apps.
One of them wrote, I killed a kid, I guess I'm too strong.
It's we're creating a generation of people
with this constant stuff.
We're creating-
There it is, wait.
There it is.
Yeah, but there's a, I don't know if they have that,
but that message is in the police report where he goes,
they all have these, and that message is in the police report where he goes. They all have these and they're all obviously they got warrants for all this
information that came out of Snapchat and all this stuff, but it just shows you
what's going on.
These kids were randomly attacking kids and putting it on TikTok.
Jessica, they were putting, they were randomly attacking kids and putting the
beatings.
How old were they?
17, 16, 17. They're randomly attacking people, blitz style attacks.
Six or seven kids would attack a kid with brass knuckles, hospitalize him, film it
and put it on TikTok. This is how crazy it is. So there are a lot of problems
with the social media diet we're feeding these kids. That's what I'm saying.
And what they're... because when we grew up,
people handled their anger somewhat differently.
And even if they fought, it wasn't to the extreme.
And they weren't trying to kill someone.
They weren't trying to kill someone.
And they weren't filming it and putting it on an app.
Which is psychotic.
It is.
For a cloud.
I know.
You know what I mean?
It's bad. It's real. I watch fights sometimes and I'm like,
why did I just watch?
See, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, it's great because it's addictive.
I watch it, which is very self-righting.
It's bad.
People in our generation would just go to a coffee house
and go, I spent last night alone.
Did you hear me crying?
Cause I spent last night alone.
You think you want him, but you really want me approve you right come to my home
If you don't come back I
Live on a couch. I have a handshake agreement for rent my credit is shot
It's it's but that's the way people used to live.
People used to live.
Jessica Kirsten, you're one of the only people I enjoy having as a guest because you're funny.
Well.
You're an insanely funny human being and it's a joy to have you.
Well, you're brilliant.
Well, stop it.
And hysterical.
Of course, continue.
The songs you're...
I'm not jerking you off, Tim.
No, please.
Alright, I will.
I'm really, at this point, I just not working.
It's just not working my relationship.
Anyway, so I love you.
Not only are you brilliant, but you are,
you're so fucking funny.
I don't laugh, you know, I really don't laugh
with a lot of comedians.
I can't bear to watch most of them.
I appreciate that.
But you're so knowledgeable.
I really, you're so smart.
Everyone says that that's a fan of yours
when I'm on the road.
People are always like,
I can't stop listening to him because he's so smart.
Well, I don't know if that's true,
but that's very nice that they say that.
I think what's more impressive now
is sort of my commitment to social justice
and kind of raise elevating issues and things like that.
That's what I find impressive about myself.
Currently is sort of what I've been doing
and kind of focusing on the local issues,
trying to bring them to the top.
Again, that was what that would be my surmise.
Most comics are just like, it's that's what I said about you being a giver because most
comics are like, I'm funny.
I want more and more and more and more.
And I think if you can make a difference.
I give so much to people.
I know, but my producer will drive my Bentley back to the Hamptons and have that experience because I can't do it. I have to get on a plane
Jessica Kiersten tell people but it's nice for him
It's a two-hour drive and you can stop and have lunch on the way and you're young and he's young so to drive the Bentley to
The South Hampton like that's not nice. That's a nice thing to do for someone. That's amazing
Jessica tell everyone where they can find you. You've got a million on tik-tok
You just have all these followers. Everyone loves you. You're touring.
Your people are buying tickets. They're enjoying it.
Yeah, I'm, uh, you can go to jessicakerson.com.
Do it. K-I-R-S-O-N.
And I just filmed a Hulu special,
which I think is coming out in December.
And, um, I have a TikTok, Jessica Kersen.
I'm on YouTube, um, Jessica Kersen comedy.
Yeah. Like, my social media is amazing.
I'm on Instagram, Facebook.
I post videos every day of, you know,
my crowd work and my shit.
Yeah.
Listen, my...
Thank you, and go and follow her.
And before we get out of here,
timdillancomedy.com for all my tickets.
My new special.
Amy Schumer presents Tim Dillon Live in Gaza.
Oh!
We're selling tickets right now.
Get on it!
Good night!