The Tim Dillon Show - 389 - Iran, Israel & The Cool Aunt
Episode Date: April 20, 2024Tim talks about Israel’s strike on Iran, the Columbia University protests, being gay in the Middle East, Plus Size Park Hoppers and what makes aunts cool but tragic. American Royalty Tour 🎟 http...s://punchup.live/TimDillon SPONSORS: Mood Get 20% off your first order plus a free THC pre-roll at hellomood.com with promo code TIM. Morgan & Morgan For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim Helix Sleep Go to HelixSleep.com/TimD for 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows with code: HELIXPARTNER20. Hims Go to Hims.com/TIM for your personalized ED treatment options. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim Dillon show. I have injured the side of my mouth
By biting it and uh
If you've ever done that when you bite the side of your mouth it inflames and it swells and you keep
Biting it and that is the middle east
That's all it'll ever be
That is it. You don't have to read any books on it. You don't have to take any courses
You don't have to listen to your friend's wife
who saw a documentary.
It is biting the side of your cheek.
I get very excited sometimes when I eat.
I do not take my time.
My grandmother used to say,
you don't know your body has eaten.
That's why you keep eating.
Your mind doesn't know that your body has eaten. That's why you keep eating. Your mind doesn't know that your body is full.
So when you bite the side of your mouth, it inflames and it's there and you keep biting
it and then sometimes you'll get a chunk of it in your mouth and release. You'll go,
that was close because it could have been bad. That's the entire Middle East. That's it. There's nothing else to do.
You can read, you can learn words like Bedouin or whatever. It doesn't matter. That's essentially
what's happening. We're in World War III. I am on war footing. I am ready to go. Are you?
I punched an Iranian woman today in the face
in Starbucks. The cops later told me she was Greek, but she called me a fat shit. And I
was like, this is what war looks like on the home turf. You call me a fat shit, I'm going
to rock you. And I rocked her. Now I have a court date, which I'll have to know. Of course, that is kidding. I'm
against violence against women, kinda. But what I think is important, I just got back from a trip
abroad. I was abroad. And with the great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with, we did it all.
And with the great Sam Talent, nobody better to travel with. We did it all.
I'm not going to name where we were, but we were everywhere
and I talked to everybody about everything.
I have all of the opinions from the European continent for you.
And I have condensed them to one sentence.
Because everybody has a lot of things to
say but we don't have the time we're not living in a time so I've condensed them
I've truncated all of the different opinions from Scandinavia from the south
of France from Glasgow Scotland the rainy Glasgow from
London I've condensed all the opinions from Finland on the border of
Russia I've condensed the opinions to one
sentence
actually four words
What I have learned after and and why are you nervous?
Everyone gets, the producer gets nervous now
because he doesn't know what's about to happen.
Cause he's trying to like,
he's trying to get lifestyle brands to advertise on the show
and know the scumbags who he pay go,
well, why doesn't he post more lifestyle content?
And I post all the time.
I post pictures of pretty things all of the
time I post but you don't like what I say afterwards I post pictures of pretty
things all the time can I tell you what I've learned after being on the European
continent what I have learned okay this is what I have learned. This is the this is the headline. This is the pull quote
Okay
Okay
Get ready
strap in
Okay
The Holocaust
I'm kidding, but that's that's that here's what I'm what I'm getting at
Israel is not popular right now. They're not popular
Right now
They're having
image problems at the moment
It's the girl who's feeling herself too much. We're
happy for, we're happy she made a full recovery after the car accident. Donna, we
love it. We're happy. We're happy that you're up walking around and she lost a
little weight and she dyed her hair and the kids call this a glow up
but it's a lot now Donna Donna it's a lot it's a girl who's feeling herself a
bit too much she has pain we all have pain she has pain and she reminds you of
her pain she'll tell you she's she's that girl with a pain and she reminds you of her pain. She'll tell you.
She's that girl with a pain and it's very accessible.
She can go to the well of her pain and she knows.
She's been through it.
She was bullied in sixth grade bad
and people tell you they'll go,
Donna man, hoof, sixth grade was rough for Donna every day tough
She had to get on that bus and they went at her they went at her throat
Everyone knows someone like we get it
Israel has had pain and I'm not taking it away from them, but now
They are kind of
feeling themselves a bit too much.
They're doing what this they're doing the most is what the lexicon of the internet
would say. And people are.
They're a little, you know.
There's a level of, you know, even the supporters of Israel
are kind of going, hey, it's watching a friend make a very bad decision.
That is like what I think what we're watching right now.
I understand the problem.
I understand the issues.
I'm not a child.
I'm not at the Columbia, what's that thing they're doing?
That transfer I ran the protest.
Everyone's mad at, they're doing transfer I ran.
Let them do it.
Let the kids be transfer I ran if they want.
Because that's the funny of what the time
we're living in.
The Iranians should have to have trans allies in dog collars with COVID masks on.
That's what they get.
You don't always have the fan base you want.
Remember when Trump was like, why is everyone here so poor? He said to his aides,
he goes, why does everyone here look like shit? And they go, well, you appeal to a lot
of people that don't have a lot going on. He didn't love that. You're never going to
get the fan base you necessarily want, necessarily love, but you do the best with it. You make
it happen. You make it work. They'll make it work. The biggest, you know, the people right now that are like very vocally like pro-Iran
are a very ragtag group of like, like malcontents.
And, you know, I have this quote from the free press
Where they were at some anti-war rally and you know
they have a woman and she's wearing like dog collars and she's got a muzzle on and the protect trans kids shirt and
you know, she has like a pink ass mask on or something and
everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco City Hall or whatever and
Everybody's in combat boots at the San Francisco City Hall or whatever. And you know, Iran is going to have to confront that those are their allies here.
That doesn't mean that all of those allies are terrible to have.
I'm just saying that's what you got.
That's what you got.
Sure, you want those 19 relatively handsome hijackers from Saudi Arabia like you had in 2001 sure
but times change things move on and the anti-war movement in America is always
kind of and they there's got to be some level of this that's engineered not all
of it but there's got to be some level of anybody in this country that doesn't want a war and there's
any kind of protest or rally. Within minutes, the craziest people you've ever seen show up.
I'm talking about dwarfs and like mythical creatures from Middle Earth People are wait like fawns show up like centaurs are at the rally. It's so
viscerally disturbing
That everybody's like maybe we should just maybe we should just do the war. I
Got to stand here with these people that guys that's a centaur. I
Mean go to some of these protests
that's a centaur. I mean go to some of these protests. Columbia is doing a what a sit-in or
all the kids are camping out for yeah for Palestine for Palestine and here's the deal
because Israel has been so aggressive in the way it's prosecuted this war and they've killed I believe 40 000 people and it's all on TikTok and you can watch
this and the horrors are unfolding in front of your face. It's completely natural that people,
especially young people, have a reaction the way that people are having. They're revolted
by this level of violence and you know nobody has the stomach for this and even Israel's most ardent
supporters for the most part are wondering if this is the right course of action because Israel has
suffered and I'm a supporter of Israel's right to exist but Israel suffered a tremendous
suffered a tremendous loss of prestige in the world community. Now, some people go, they don't care.
The world community has always hated Israel.
Maybe there's some truth to that.
But I'm just saying it is not.
Yeah, so they're arresting these people.
Now, these people set up tents at Columbia University.
They've done this a few times in the past.
And they're doing this to show solidarity with the people in Palestine that are,
and they're encouraging Columbia to divest from whatever. Can I not? I don't want to be indelicate here,
but don't the Jews, and I mean, shut it off for a minute.
I'm not trying to be indelicate.
Don't the Jews own Columbia?
Like my parents don't own Columbia.
I mean, I'm just not trying to be indelicate,
but don't the kids know where they are?
Like I, I mean, I'm not trying, am I,
do I sound indelicate?
Didn't Jewish people buy Columbia?
Aren't most of the endowments coming from,
so it's like kids, you know, I'm not saying don't
set up the tents, you know, if that's the way you feel.
These protests don't do much, by the way.
Shutting down the Golden Gate Bridge.
And I'm, again, I'm not morally telling people not to protest.
I'm saying the ruling class of the country doesn't really care.
They don't really care.
It does not matter to them.
If a bunch of kids at Columbia get in a tent. So can you
explain at Columbia University what's happening? Yeah so you have over a hundred
students got arrested they've been basically doing like a sit-in about how
they don't there were 15 students I think that were
either removed from something because of their anti-Zionist protest and so then these are the students supporting the students that got removed. So these are all like pro-Palestinian people.
People are mad about this. There's more going on. It's a hotbed over there. People are
fighting with each other and spitting on each other and beating each other up. I think I've heard. Yeah, there's violence. Yeah.
People are angry. Well, I think it's good for them. Really. I think it's good. I
do. I think a little I think a little excitement in the quad is fine. I do. I think it's fine. I'm very happy about, you know, I don't, you know,
what do they do? What is this? The Death to America club?
There's something funny about it. Um, we, listen, if we're going to be the country that's all about like free speech and all the bullshit
We have you know you have to you have to respect people's rights to do transfer Iran
You have to you have to
support
male men that are pregnant men
Who support Iran?
They're allowed to. You can be gay for Iran.
And everyone's like, well, in those countries, people would, they would die. I'm like, yeah,
but people, people want to die. People want to get stoned. People like people have a humiliation fetish.
People want the things that don't accept them.
There's no fun in being gay in Portland, Maine.
You want to be gay in Iran, where you could get killed.
You know how fun it is to suck someone off in Iran when no one knows?
Because the outside of the door is your own death.
You know how boring it is to choke down a cock in Portland, Maine?
You can do it at dinner.
You can choke down a cock in Portland, Maine at a seafood restaurant.
No one would say anything to you.
You could suck someone off.
You could take out your pink cock, your little pink cock, and someone could
suck it off while it barely stayed hard and they worked it with their hand and mouth to try to get
the fucking blood flowing in your member at a seafood restaurant and the most that would happen
to you is the fat lesbian who's shucking the oysters might roll her eyes. That is the most it will happen to you
There's no fun in that the fun is being gay in Saudi Arabia
Where you're literally getting sucked off while you watch someone get beheaded for getting sucked off
Is there anything more fun than coming while watching a beheading of someone who's getting beheaded for coming?
You feel alive while watching a beheading of someone who's getting beheaded for coming.
You feel alive.
We've done so much in this country to make people feel, you know, I don't know,
whatever the term is, bored.
And they have this terminal boredom.
And what they're fantasizing about is the secret police opening their door in the middle of the night ripping them out and going you've
been a bad boy now haven't you and i think that's good there's nothing
wrong with it yes it's a bit inconsistent
perhaps but only if you don't understand human,
feminists want to get punched in the face.
They want to get thrown in the back of a car and driven to the
woods of New Hampshire and and they want their skin ripped
off and they want someone to wear it and run around.
That's what it is.
It's not inconsistent.
If you know human nature,
nobody's wants the thing.
They say they want.
None of these people want a progressive world where everybody's, they just want to step
on the throat of the people that bother them.
So the people that are running around doing transfer Iran, they don't care that Iran would
light them all on fire.
They just want to vanquish their enemy and And their enemy of the moment is the bagel head.
Mazza face.
That's their enemy at the moment.
People go, well, it's inconsistent.
Like all the right-wingers are like, it's inconsistent.
Some of the left-wingers, you know, the broad,
and they're right if they're, but again,
if you're taking them at their word, it's inconsistent.
Well it's inconsistent.
These feminists don't care about women being right.
No, they don't.
They don't.
Because they don't be, but they never did.
They never did.
You took them at their word, dummy.
They all said, we want a world where everyone,
no, no, no, no, no.
They wanted a hierarchy where they were at the top.
And they think if they figure it, maybe,
if they figure out a way to defeat Israel,
Iran will let them be trans in Iran.
Maybe Iran, maybe the mullahs will like go like, you know, listen,
we were, I mean, we were not into this. Can you imagine like 15 years from now, somebody
in Iran going, I mean, I mean, the strides this country has made are amazing. We have because our allies were trans people wearing leather harnesses and
N95 masks in America and they came over and defeated the Jews somehow.
And now they run Iran.
They just want to be mullahs.
All of these people in the COVID masks, they just want to be the mullahs.
And what we hope is that the mullahs like their lives enough
and their power, and they always do,
that they're not going to get in any type of regional war
that will sacrifice their power.
Because the citizens of these countries
care about the Palestinians.
The governments really don't.
The governments don't.
Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Jordan, they just want money.
They want money.
And they don't want to do anything that would jeopardize them getting money.
Or, you know, their positions in the Middle East.
Their power. Or you know their positions in the Middle East their power their proximity to
You know the type of
money that
They are making with the United States
You know, this is the reality is but people are looking after themselves all these regimes look after themselves
reality is but people are looking after themselves. All these regimes look after themselves. So they're not fighting Israel over this shit. They don't care. It's not their fight. It
isn't. Literally. It's not their fight. Now you might go, well, that's a genus and you're
sure but they don't care. That's Tuesday over there. People slaughter each other all the
time. In America, it is disturbing to see people in masks getting killed.
In other places, they have a higher tolerance for that. They have no strategic interest in getting in this war.
They don't. Russia's got their own issues. Russia doesn't. Russia's dealing with their own problems.
China's got their issue. This Israel-Palestine issue is not an issue for
everybody. It's an issue for, and by the way, this is the guy, I'm not talking about you do whatever
you want. You want to put a, you know, you want to do a dance for the, great. I have no issue with
that. Voice your discontentment any way you want. I have a platform, I speak to millions of people a week
and nothing I say matters and it never will.
I make money, but nothing I say matters
and nothing you say will probably matter.
Sorry, sorry.
I apologize for that, it's not nice to hear
that the transfer I ran sit in will probably be forgotten.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing.
I'm saying the levers of power in this country
and the people that have their hands on them
aren't looking at campus discontentment
as a meter of what they should do.
Israel has exhausted everybody.
Everybody at the State Department,
I speak to a lot of people.
I'm not saying I know things you don't, but I do.
I don't know a lot of things you don't, but I know I speak to maybe certain people that you don't speak to.
Who go, everybody is exhausted right now with Israel to stay to, but most people are exhausted.
Everybody's kind of at the end of their rope.
They're at the end of their rope. They're going like, Hey, hey girl.
Hey girl.
I mean, you know what it is?
It's the friend who just won't stop with the photos.
Line up over that line up. Everyone line up. It's my day. Hey,
Hey, Sasha, come here, come here.
Listen, your parents are getting tired.
Your mother is a cancer survivor.
She just wants to sit down.
Line up! It's my day!
We're doing photos!
It's a bridesilla.
It's too much.
It's just not, you know?
And I know the anti-Semitism is bad, It's too much. It's just not, you know?
And I know the anti-Semitism is bad, but talking about it will make it worse.
Please pipe down about it a little bit,
because it makes it worse to keep running your mouth about it.
The anti-Semitism.
Yes, yes, yes, there are, there are people in the world that do not like Jews. Okay, several continents.
That's not ideal.
That's not ideal.
But talking about endlessly bringing it up every it's not helping.
Ignore it. Pretend they like you. endlessly bringing it up every it's not helping ignore it
Pretend they like you pretend they like you because they kind of like you
Saudi Arabia kind of likes you a little not their people but their leaders do
Qatar You know
Jordan and Egypt are kind of like like you don't need like this whole like everyone in the world is against me
They're against me
It's like we got to change
that
Because it's exhausting everybody's tired of it. It's tiring you'd hate it
You'd hate it if it never ended
so
My advice is to everybody again
Let's take it down
Let's take let's take we got the Olympics come. Hey idiots
We got the Olympics coming up
everybody better get the Olympics the Olympics are coming let's be nice you're telling me the
opening ceremony of the Olympics if you I'm telling you right now is this the
Winter Olympics or the summer I really don't know what's happening yeah right
it's good summer the summer Olympics I really don't know what's happening. Yeah, right, it's good.
Summer.
The Summer Olympics.
I was gonna say something about figure skating,
but that's not gonna work now.
So I have to find something else.
Synchronized swimming.
If Israel and Palestine do a synchronized swimming
at the Olympics in Paris,
swimming at the Olympics in Paris.
And everybody is in red because everybody is,
we let beauty win. We let beauty win.
We let beauty win.
We get a bunch of hot Israelis and hot Palestinians,
the ones that are left and we get them, you know, good looking tan, not with the huge noses, I don't love that.
But enough of a nose to know where they're from, right?
We get them, they're hot.
And we make them practice together.
And they do a beautiful synchronized swimming event
at the, cause the Paris Olympics, by the way.
They might scale down the opening ceremonies because everybody's trying to
blow it up. Get that article up. Emmanuel Macron. Emmanuel Macron, the
leader of Paris, who everyone keeps saying his wife's a man, but I don't think she is she's just an unfortunate looking woman
Now this guy keeps going hey, we're trying to do the Olympics here and
Everybody is trying to blow it up
And this is why I say to Israel I I go, guys, can we have a fucking Olympic Games without
you being nuts?
Please?
How about the hostages are returned at the Olympics?
Bring them at the Olympic Games.
Hamas comes out with the hostages at the Olympics.
There's no imagination anymore in this fucking world.
That's why nothing can ever get done because nobody has any theatrical
imagination.
Nobody understands the the power of an image.
And the image of the the the Imagine this the the Olympic torch, right?
The hostages come out with it
Hamas
brings out the hostages with and they and they have the torches and
They light and they light the Olympic torch
And It's over and it's over and And they light the Olympic torch.
And it's over. And it's over.
And it's a century of peace.
Can we get, can someone try to make that happen?
Can some, is that not,
if I worked at the State Department,
I would say, can we do this at the Olympics?
Let's do it at the Olympics
Get to get those tunnels open
We're here at the Olympics
You know, we do an Edith P off that song
You know Levy and Rose or whatever they come out at the Olympics
The hostages are eating baguettes because it's fun because it's France they come out there
Quasar house to have croissants. They you know, they look tough. They've been in the tunnel for a while
But we get them dress them up. We have the top makeup people
top people right
But of course the Palestinian
People are also have to have to be there, you know, they have to be involved and
You're telling me it's not a powerful moment these two countries that up until a week ago
We're literally all they wanted was the other one to be dead now
These really hostages are out and they would in Ohio somewhere in Ohio you
would hear that you would hear you I was to the southern accent it's not Ohio
but you know honey you're not gonna believe this get in here what come here
I don't like the Olympics I'm'm watching my psychic program. Come in here now.
Fine.
They got the Israeli hostages.
They're at the Olympics.
What?
Remember the hostages that were in the tunnel?
They're at the Olympics.
What's in their hands?
Baguettes.
Why?
Cause it's fucking France. This is fucking nuts. All right. Anything else?
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slash Tim or dial pound law pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid
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plus-size park hoppers. I've talked about them on Patreon. There are four morbidly
obese women
who review restaurants at Disney World
to see if they can fit.
Really, I mean, they go, they look at the plans, you know?
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these women by the way these are the only people that ever should be at
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Um, if you take your kids to Disney World do it one time if you do it all the time
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So Disney World should be filled with morbidly obese
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Park Hoppers is they go to each restaurant and they tell you if you can
fit in it.
After that they then review the food but this one they didn't fit in.
Usually they fit in it and when they fit in it they actually are quite kind. They're like
Jessica got the breadsticks. They were really warm and good. They came with a spicy dipping sauce that was a little too spicy for me.
But it balanced really well with the Caesar salad that was served in an Asiago cheese
bowl.
I ate the entire bowl while no one was looking and it felt really good.
The next course we had was the pot roast that came in a traditional 1950s style pot.
There was not enough jus and the meat was a little dry, but I still choked it down with a strawberry milkshake,
which I got from another restaurant and I kept with me for most of the day. Even though it was warm,
it provided the lubrication I needed to get the pot roast down my throat. Then I ate a churro
I found on the floor, 15 M&Ms, and then I left. Like, so now,
the plus-size park hoppers are unhappy
they're unhappy now they don't fit in this restaurant so they get very nasty
about the food here's what you have to remember about the plus-size park hoppers
all of the food in Disney World is bad like everything in Disney it's bad it's
bad the rides aren't even good nothing's good the reason you think it's bad. It's bad. The rides aren't even good. Nothing's good.
The reason you think it's good is because you're stupid.
That's why you think it's good.
Even if you have children, you should be rolling your eyes.
Your kids should be happy.
You should take a few, I'm not a heartless person.
The kids should be happy.
The Mickey Mouse hugs your son or daughter
or your non-binary child.
And you take a photo of them and you're happy.
But that should last a few minutes,
and then you should go, it's hot, lines, it's gross.
Immediately, if like, anyone's like,
this is the most magical place in the world,
anyone who says that, I want so far away from me,
I want so far away from me, when anyone says,
I have a friend who I actually really like,
him and his wife go to Disney World,
they go on Disney cruises, I think there's something wrong
with them. They have a beautiful family, I love this guy, he was like a brother to
me growing up, but him and his wife, they said it the other day, they're like we're
going to Disney again, they keep going to Disney World, they go on the cruises, they
will not leave their house unless Disney World is involved. Disney picks them up
in a shuttle, it flies, there's Disney planes, there. Disney picks them up in a shuttle,
it flies, there's Disney planes,
there's Disney ferries,
they don't do anything that's not Disney.
Everything is Disney World.
They are, they, and it, to me it is, it is disgusting.
It is disgusting.
You should be teaching your children about culture,
about the world.
You take them to Scandinavia. You take them to Scandinavia.
You take them to places like that.
You take them to Europe.
You take them to China.
You do not continually keep taking them
to the fucking Magic Kingdom, to Epcot.
Take them to France.
Don't take them to Epcot.
Plus size park hoppers.
Let's see them get mean. I need to eat at the quietest restaurant on Disney property, but you weren't sure if to Epcot. Plus-sized park hoppers. Let's see them get mean.
I need to eat at the quietest restaurant on Disney property, but you weren't sure if you'd fit.
Hey everyone, we're plus-sized park hoppers, and we range in sizes from 2X to 5X.
Make sure you like this video and follow us for more plus-sized Disney tips and tricks.
On this episode of If I Fit Size 6, we visit Sci-Fi Dining in Hollywood Studios.
This restaurant takes you back in time to a 1950s drive-in, where you dine under the stars while watching short sci-fi diner in Hollywood studios. This restaurant takes you back in time to a 1950s drive-in where
you dine under the stars while watching short sci-fi clips. The seating at this restaurant is a
mixture of picnic tables, car booths, and cars with tables in it. Let us start out by saying that the
ambiance here is a 10 out of 10. We were initially seated at a car booth and we fit but it was a tight
squeeze so we opted for a picnic table. It also would have been super
awkward as a party of three as there are two people per row. Ashley would have had to sit behind us
and it would be pretty difficult to talk to her. Unfortunately these booths are not adjustable.
Picnic tables were fine but they were picnic tables. I would like to note that the picnic
table chairs cannot be moved. The menu here is pretty small with mostly burger options. Katie
and I started out with the milkshakes.
They kind of tasted like a frosty, but not as good.
Ashley and I got the black garlic Caesar salad.
I couldn't taste any garlic over all of the salt
on the lettuce and the lettuce was bitter.
Then Ashley got the Bon Me burger.
The whole burger was soggy and the flavor was lackluster.
I got the classic American burger,
which I actually really liked.
And the sauce on the side was delicious. I liked this much better than the salad.
I tried the grilled chicken citrus salad and also found her salad to be salty.
Like literal flakes of salt. I think you guys are salty because you didn't fit. Have you been dying to eat at the...
I love my girls. My plus-size park hoppers. That's exact... by the way it's so funny
to watch the Disney people get mad
in the comments. It's like that's what this is. What do you think it is? What do
you think it is? Who do you think should be there? Okay.
Somebody goes it's very sad four beautiful young girls like you instead
of taking care of yourselves decide to create an Instagram account to review
among other things if you can fit in restaurants
at Disney parks.
Come on, you were in the best moment of your life.
Take advantage of your passion for parks
and try to enjoy them being more fit, healthy,
instead of this.
So he's more insane than them.
Do you see how the commenter is more crazy than them?
Take your passion for parks?
They're fucking adults!
They're adults!
There's people in the park. It's based
off of cricket. The guy that started it was a Nazi. He was a Nazi. People are walking
around. It's like he's crazier than they are. You should be enjoying these parks as a fit
person. What? Imagine getting in great shape and then going to Disney World like going back?
Now I only eat a quarter of the shit burger at the fucking pedophile Nazi land. It's a horrible place.
Anyone who likes Disney World, and I want them so far away from me.
And I want them so far away from me.
I love this article. I read that the cool ant stereotype study finds ants
play a critical support role to LGBTQ youth.
Let's talk about this cool ant thing for a little bit.
Cause I have a lot to say about this by the way.
Cause it dovetails into a lot of what I talk about,
which is kind of this reverse engineering people
who actually have very, very tragic lives
into these folk heroes, okay?
You know, my friend had a cool aunt,
her name was Aunt Deb, okay?
She was single, she had a leather jacket,
she drank and smoked cigarettes all day. When you're 13, we thought she was single, she had a leather jacket, she drank and smoked cigarettes all day.
When you're 13, we thought she was the best.
She had this guy she was kind of in and out of a relationship with.
Okay.
She would list a Fleetwood Mac real loud and she would smoke cigarettes on a toilet.
And we thought that was great.
She'd get high in her backyard and she'd get in the hot tub.
Okay.
And she'd blast the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
When the rain washes you clean, you know.
Thunder only happens when it's raining.
And she would just smoke her butt and she would just dance at this bar
called the Irish Circle.
Players only love you when they're playing.
And we'd go, what a cool aunt.
Here's what it really was.
She was living in hell.
She was living in. players only Love you when they're playing
Drink and drive you have no kids to kill
Go home and take that bottle of pills
So this uh this idea is cool and we invented this term to like make people's lives less terrible.
And by the way, there's nothing wrong with it either,
because not everybody is going to have,
I mean everybody's life has a degree of tragedy,
some more than others.
But this cool aunt that we never care about really, it's,
we, no one checks on her.
Nobody checks on the cool aunt.
Hey, are you okay?
No one says that.
No one says that to the cool aunt.
The cool aunt is just kind of there to be cool.
You can sneak a cigarette with your cool aunt.
You can tell your cool aunt you suck someone off at the park
you're cool you can I suck someone off at the park yeah if I had a dollar for
everyone I sucked off at the park when the rain washes you clean you'll know
every cool aunt listens to dreams by Fleetwood Mac while fisting herself
every cool ant is
In her bed with a vibrator listening to dreams by Fleetwood Mac the room smells like weed
every cool ant when the rain washes
Clean y'all know
Thunder only happens when it's raining every cool aunt shows up to the wedding a little late cuz she she put on a nice
buzz the night before she put on a nice buzz the night before every cool aunt
has a story of like her best friend killing themselves or something.
They always have like a locket or something and she's like,
that's my friend Sarah. She was my best friend.
She was going to be a ballerina. She killed herself.
She's dead now.
Put on Fleetwood Mac.
But I'd sleep with
We saw fleet with Mac together and then Sarah drove home and she was hit by a drunk
That's why I drive drunk
To dull the pain Every cool aunt's best friend was murdered in front of her
She always has some quasi Lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in front of her
I always had some quasi-lesbo relationship with a woman who was beheaded in front of her. That was...
I had an Aunt Jen!
She's had pills!
She like asks for money for drugs.
She was the cool aunt.
She like now, like they've taken her children.
You know what I mean?
Like the government comes into her house with battering rams now.
She was the cool aunt.
She was cool.
You could tell her anything. We can tell her
anything. Now she's like, like all of her kids are trans. She made them all trans.
She like told them they were trans. She's like, you're all trans. Mommy loves her trans babies. When the rain washes you clean Thunder only happens when it's raining
My kids are all trans there's no explaining
The teachers called CPS on me
They called... This is the natural end of the coolant the natural end of the
coolant I didn't end up faked her own death I mean I'm not even gonna go
through this I'm just saying it's funny what does this article say ants play a
surprisingly critical role in supporting LGBTQ youth by the way aren't most and I
don't want to sound indelicate or offensive to people,
I know people have real problems out there, but at this point, aren't a lot of LGBTQ
outside of very religious families or stuff or people that don't like you, but it's not
just your cool aunt anymore.
There is more acceptance than just a cool aunt.
The researchers interviewed 83
LGBTQ youth in South Texas and the Inland Empire of California
Who reported ambivalence or low support from their parents regarding their identity
Of those mentioned 38 mentioned their aunts when asked to identify their most supportive non-parental. Yeah, cuz your aunt doesn't care What you do nor should they?
Here's the deal if you come out as gay and your parents hate you they Here's the deal, if you come out as gay
and your parents hate you, they're pieces of shit.
If you come out as trans and your parents hate you,
like really trans, then they're pieces of shit,
or maybe they just need some time.
But if you're gonna be one of these people
who's constantly confusing everyone
with 18 identities every other minute,
you can't expect everybody to validate and affirm you all the time, you know, and
I think maybe this is what they're they're running into here. You know, I
don't know, I'm sure there are people that come out and go, I'm gay and their parents
don't like them. And their aunt's like, you know, one of my friends is gay, his name
is Jimmy.
They're always kind of drunk, your aunt.
They always kind of have like a neurological disorder a little bit.
When it comes out when they drink, they kind of like start to have like MS a little when they drink.
And all the cool aunts are like, they always have like a, they're always like wise.
They think they're like wise beyond their years. You know what mean they have like an old car but it's cool it smells
like cigs my friend Jimmy was gay he's dead he died on the beach no one knows
how you want to go to a movie with me?
Your mother was always different than I was.
Real prom queen type.
I like my job at the local paper.
I write the obituaries.
My friend Jimmy was gay.
He was in a relationship with his own father.
I mean, you could just tell how much it meant for them to have this adult family member,
this aunt who saw them for who they were,
loved them for who they are,
and will do anything for them.
I think we often miss this because so much research
focuses on the parent-child dynamic
or parents rejecting their child.
We're missing that there are actually adult family members such as aunts who are deeply
supporting and loving. By the way,
totally agree that there's I think we got to get move beyond the parent, move beyond the aunt. How about the boss?
How about the boss?
How about a little capitalism? How about a little capitalism here?
Oh, if you're a killer at your job, they don't care who you fuck. How about that?
How about that?
You know
How about that?
Define yourself by what you do now who you are be a unit of production
you are. Be a unit of production. Stop with people accepting you. First of all, guys, can we stop with this crap? People accepting you and validating you. It's like, I don't
know what happened. When I was growing up, literally it was the, everybody was like,
be who you are. And if people aren't on board with that fuck them you can be an individual then it became like somewhere it became
like this it became like your job is to convince everyone that lives on this
earth to vocally support you at all times and you're like well that sounds
exhausting and counterproductive that sounds like like odd. They're like, no, it's literally your job to make
everybody around you believe the things you believe. The job of a cool aunt, okay, is to present an
option for you. That life is an option. There's worse lives. There's getting your hijab ripped off an Iran and getting acid thrown in your face.
That's much worse than being the cool aunt. The cool aunt's an option.
Her job is to present
that option. When you're a teenager,
all the friends you have that are adults are there to present
an option of how to live. You can be like mommy, you can be like daddy,
you can be like aunt Jolene. You can be like your cousin, that soccer dyke at the state school
who's a little too pepped up all the time and happy. She's really in the... we had red night,
blue night, red team, blue team, and I was on the blue team in the last We had Red Night Blue Night, Red Team Blue Team, and
I was on the Blue Team in the last year I was on the Red Team, and it's really fun because
we all get involved, we all play sports, we all drink and I eat pussy. And I drink all
the time and everything's about being on a sports team and doing games and fun stuff.
Don't you want to go to the fucking rec center and party. I hope I never leave school be like me. My name is Krista
My name is Krista. I frizzy hair in a big bush. I pretend to like cock
You can be her and be her if you want
Or you can be and Deb when the rain washes you clean
That's one day. we had another aunt Deb
This was not a cool aunt. I kind of liked a little better whose husband divorced her and she lived in a big house
Upstate and she was terrifying. She was kind of like I don't know she had like a side show Bob energy and
she um
She would just Open the door if me and her kids were there, like we'd have sleepover, she'd just open the door
and she would just, she would just go, go to sleep.
Shut your mouth.
She got to sleep.
She would say to like gritted teeth, you go, shut up.
And her sister lived across the street and she had more money.
So she like hated her a little bit, but she didn't, but she like resented her.
She had to go to sleep.
Everybody's going to sleep now.
The day is over, she used to say it.
The day is over.
But so that's the job.
The job of any cool aunt is to present to you an option for how you can live.
When you're 14 and you're looking around at the world, you're like, alright,
there's people that are rich, there's people that are happy, there's people that are broke and happy
and rich and miserable, there's people that are deadly serious about everything,
there's people that are kind of goofy and clownish, there's people that seem to have secrets
and they're mysterious and they have layers. Some of those people actually have those things.
Many of them are just very boring. You realize that
later. Some of the secret mysterious people are actually just incredibly dull.
You learn that as you grow up in life. You're like, oh no, I thought you were
cool. Are you a spy? It's like they're not no spy. And it's all options. You take
it all in as a child. And you know, you take it all in, but the cool aunt is an option.
She goes, this is what happens if you allow a song to be,
can you get that non copyrighted?
Is there any way?
I can try.
The cool aunt is if you allow the song dreams from Fleetwood Mac
to become your personality in life.
OK? would Mac to become your personality in life. Okay. A cool aunt is about a Sunday 430 p.m. vibe.
She's got a margarita. She's at a bar. She's tan. She's a little chunky. She's having a few pops.
She's having a few pops. Maybe she's got a burger with some potato chips, not fries. She's a wildcard.
She likes chips with the burger. Okay? It's every cool amp. It's the song Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.
Is this real? Could this be real? No copyright? No, these are all like techno versions. We'll
get dinged really hard. I mean, I know.
If we play Dreams by Fleetwood Mac right now,
here's what'll happen.
YouTube will run in the studio, and they will kill me.
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Can you get the lyrics up?
The lyrics of dreams by Fleetwood Mac are all cool ants.
All cool ants are Irish no matter what nationality
they are. They're all Irish. They're deeply tragic and they like to party.
Folks, when I read this, when I read these fucking lyrics, this is every cool ant.
Now here you go again. You say you want your freedom. Well who am I to keep you down? It's
only right that you should play it the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost and what you had
And what you lost?
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing say women they, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean, you'll know.
So, this is the anthem of the cool aunt. She puts it on in her car. Back then they used to drive, you know, fun cars. I don't know what they would drive now.
I don't know what they would drive now.
I don't know what the cool aunts would drive now. I had a friend, she had a cool aunt named Aunt Ali.
They all have names like that, Aunt Ali.
And they're all fun.
And then sometimes the cool aunts have kids and they change.
But the real cool aunt can't have a kid.
She has to go it alone.
She has to stare down death alone.
It is what she has chosen to do the cool and
Must stare down the specter of her mortality alone
She must
It is her calling it is her calling to stare down
She must smoke a joint.
She must have a friend named Fran or Darlene.
And this person must accompany her to the local hole,
the local gin mill, the local blood box.
They must knock them back.
She must talk about her family.
The cool aunt has a lot of opinions about the family.
She's been fucked over.
She didn't get what she had coming to her.
No one took care of dad like the cool aunt.
Dad always loved her and she should have got more than she did.
You know? Dad always loved her and she should have got more than she did, you know
She'll talk about the man who got away
She'll talk about that man the cool and always had one great love and that man
Didn't stick around he's gone
She loves her nieces and nephews of
Course, she's the cool aunt that come out to her, they go, I'm non-binary.
She goes, good for you.
She goes, I read an article about that.
I'm cool with it.
Sounds cool to me.
And she'll just scrounge around looking for a lighter.
Maybe she's vaping now.
Cool aunts vape.
They vape.
You know, she goes, you gotta do what makes you happy got to do what makes you happy. Got to do what
makes you happy. And she's not wrong, but she's wrong. Do you understand that? Do you
understand that, that you should do what makes you happy to a point, to a point.
Everything's to a point, Israel. You should do what makes you happy to a point.
You can't always do what makes you happy.
So whether that's, you know, chocolate cake for breakfast, a little champagne in the afternoon,
a boozy lunch with your friend Tara, you know, pretending you have breast cancer to get attention during Christmas
or invading Rafa and killing another 20,000 people.
Whatever you wanna do, you can't always do it.
Can't.
But I got a lot to say about the cool,
the coolant was a big part of my life.
Big part of the lives of me and all my friends.
They are there to give, and your kids should know them.
Your kids should know them and they should know you should say to them you can live like
that you can live like that if you want you can live the way she does you can
live the way she does she doesn't get anywhere on time your aunt I love your
aunt but she doesn't get anywhere on time. She chooses
herself, of course she's seen the best concerts. The cool aunt always sees the best concert,
she doesn't have anything else to do. She looks like she has more money because she's
got no one to spend it on. She goes on great vacations, your cool aunt, with her friends and they burn their melanoma skin burns in the hot
Puerto Rican Sun. She's always somewhere tropical your cool aunt and she'll tell
ya, she'll tell ya, I just got back from Puerto Rico with my girlfriend.
She has the freedom you think you want as a child
The freedom you think you need the freedom that will make everything okay
She could smoke drink do whatever she wants
She's got a fun little condo
in a little community of condos
She tells you it's added seventy thousand000 in value in the past 36 months.
She's happy about that. She has something called equity in her condo. She talks
about it as she lights another stick. She does everything you wish you could do,
but as you get older, you see her as kind of a samurai sword. Like she's a monk.
She's a religious figure. The coolant's a religious samurai sort like she's a monk.
She's a religious figure.
The cool aunt's a religious figure.
She's got a religion.
And she does exactly everything she's supposed to do.
That's what's so interesting about life as you get older.
You realize that people are actually doing everything they're supposed to do.
No one's actually, no one's at Morgan and Morgan.
There it is. There it comes. Look at that.
And if your aunt hits someone in her car and she will, you call Morgan and Morgan.
But people are predictable. This is interesting about life.
This is simply why life cannot go on forever, by the way,
because you notice the predictability, the patterns, you know.
You want to live to 300? You be sitting here be going Israel can you believe it
they're at it again they're at it again they're firing late they're gonna be
firing lasers when the weapons get so advanced they're gonna be teleporting
into the place people from Gaza will be teleporting into the place. People from Gaza will be teleporting into Israel,
blowing themselves up.
Come on now.
Come on.
I'm just saying people are predictable.
Things get predictable.
You start noticing the patterns in the simulated little
Truman show.
These articles, I love these articles.
The cool aunt's there for the LGBTQ youth.
Good.
But don't forget about her and her needs the cool aunt but you do actually
have to forget about her and her needs that's the fun of it you actually do you
actually do because she's locked herself up she's constructed her own prison and
lives in it quite happily quite happily she doesn't know any other way.
She doesn't know anything else.
I love all the cool ants out there.
Pour one out for them.
Pour a glass of Santa Margarita.
Pour a glass of Santa Margarita.
Pinot Grigio out for the cool ant.
Light a Marlboro light for the cool ant.
Okay?
Buy a Kia for the cool ant. 75 on a highway where you listen to a
little ah well you listen to song good by Los Lobos for the cool ant listen to
song good by Los Lobos isn't it Los Lobos the coolant loves the songs but what the song Good, oh Better Than Ezra, Better Than
Ezra, you listen to song Good by Better Than Ezra for the Cool Ant. Okay. I'm telling you
right now I might put together a Cool Ant mixtape, an anthology. dreams by Fleetwood Mac good by better than Ezra
Los Lobos or Los Lonely Boys or whatever
Dave Matthews song, but I can't figure which one maybe crush
Lisa lobes on there. I can't lose my heart. I can't pay attention to the... Anyway, anyway. Can't understand.
If you really care, only hear about it.
But the cool aunt likes, she likes a party song.
Because life is a party. Until it's not.
And here's the deal. She's an isolated woman.
But she's proud.
She's tough.
And if she comes at you, she lashes out.
She lashes out.
And she shows her teeth.
She's damaged your mother.
Your mother said a few things and the cool aunt goes
right to her throat.
Your mother will cry and walk inside. Because she's had an argument with the cool aunt.
Okay?
And Israel's kind of that cool aunt right now.
She's kind of that cool aunt.
She's increasingly isolated.
She's smoking her cigs.
She's listening to Fleetwood Mac.
She's driving on the highway and she's going to get there a little late and she's gonna kill everyone when she does. And all I'm saying Israel is it's Christmas, okay?
Sometimes you gotta put down the sword, walk in, look at everyone around. By the way,
imagine the people that like really believe this is like a new show.
People do watch this.
I hope it's shown to other countries.
I was in Europe watching BBC News and it's just like, there were 14 people killed last
hour by airstrike.
It's so exact.
Then there's this. But it's true. and then they're like there's this but it's it's
true Israel right now has cool ant vibes but it's too much because we're all
starting to go like hey hey girl girl I know you got your pain I know your friend
killed herself but you can't use that as an excuse to constantly brutalize.
Mom!
You guys gotta get along.
Stop biting your cheek.
Stop biting your cheek!
It's not gonna get better.
Stop putting the sandwich in so far.
Keep hurting your mouth.
You have a big fat cheek. Keep hurting your mouth.
You have a big fat cheek. You keep biting it.
It's not nice.
You keep using that mouthwash that says
it's from MouthSource.
Does that even help?
No one knows.
But this is what I mean.
And all we've got left is the Olympics.
I fear if it's a wasted opportunity,
we're not gonna get it back.
We'll have to wait four years.
All we've got left is a well coordinated ceasefire
to be celebrated at the Olympics with a ceremony
where Israel and Palestine can fucking put down the so when people can just be people
again a great showing of sport.
It's what we need.
It's what we need.
It's what the world needs.
You know, I've been vocal in the past and I've said things like I don't think the Olympics
are going to get people to really
Abandon their bad feelings. There's a lot of people out there that you know are
You know, they're not
You know, there's a lot of like, you know
It's a genocide and we're not gonna forget it and we're gonna keep fighting
But there I think there are those people that like me,
I'm very susceptible to the emotional appeal,
you know, like an emotional moment.
And if you have an Israeli hostage,
little child lighting the torch with a Palestinian who has like one arm
because of the rocket.
They have a one arm Palestinian baby, little toddler and an Israeli toddler.
And they light.
And it would help if the Israeli had an arm as well, to be honest.
I'm not saying take the arm off, but let's find, we can do it,
let's find two children that have one arm. If you see two, an Israeli and a Palestinian toddler,
and they each have one arm and they're holding those arms together and there's an Olympic torch
together. And there's an Olympic torch. And you don't tear up a little bit, you're a sick fuck. Because that type of thing, that'll make the hardest bitch you know weep. That'll
make the cool aunt weep. And she'll show it to people. That's the things cool aunts do.
She'll be like, remember the Olympics in 2024 in France?
Because you'll be like, you'll be like,
you know, like Todd doesn't really like me anymore.
He doesn't even want to talk to me.
And your cool aunt goes, listen, listen, don't worry about that.
There were these countries called Israel and Palestine
and they hated each other.
Palestine kidnapped a bunch of Israelis and raped them
and then Israel killed like a bunch of their people.
And then there was the Olympics
and a one-armed Palestinian child
and a one-armed Israeli lit the fucking torch
and everybody looked at them and realized
the most important thing that life is bullshit
and we all just got to make the best of it.
And you're going to be like, fuck, my aunt is the smartest person that I've ever met in my whole entire life.
And then later on that night, your mother will tell you, you know she lives in her car.