This Past Weekend - E484 Trevor Wallace
Episode Date: February 21, 2024Trevor Wallace is a stand-up comedian, podcaster and actor. He is known for his viral sketches and podcast “Stiff Socks” with co-host Michael Blaustein. His first ever stand-up special “Pterodac...tyl” is streaming now on Amazon Prime. Trevor Wallace returns to This Past Weekend to chat with Theo about the dark side of parking attendants, his insane ketchup-packet prank from childhood, opening an arena show for Tom and Bert, why Gypsy Rose should have been in the NBA All-Star Game, Rachel Dolezal’s new career move, and much more. Trevor Wallace: https://www.instagram.com/trevorwallace/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ BetterHelp: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp - go to http://betterhelp.com/theo to get 10% off your first month. BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO at checkout to try BlueChew for free - just pay $5 shipping! Babbel: Go to http://babbel.com/theo to get 50% off a one-time payment for a lifetime Babbel subscription. DoorDash: Sign up for DashPass today, only on DoorDash, and use code THEO24 to get up to 50% off a $10 value when you spend $12 or more after you sign up. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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I have some new tour dates to announce.
I will be in St. Louis on April 18th.
Get your tickets early starting Thursday, February 22nd at 10 a.m. local time
with pre-sale code RATKING.
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Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
And if they're really overpriced or overpriced or it's some secondary website,
don't pay a lot. We'll come back through
and thank you for your support. Today's guest is my dog. A wonderful content creator, comedian,
has a new comedy special out on Amazon Prime called Pterodactyl that I really enjoyed. I
suggest you check it out. I'm grateful to
spend time with him today. Today's guest is my friend, Mr. Trevor Wallace. I'm going to stay.
Parking attendants are always on some shit.
Oh, parking attendants, because you have to think one of the things that they,
one of the things that the parking attendants, because you have to think one of the things that they,
one of the things that the parking attendants
deal with a lot
is boredom, probably,
and potential,
I don't want to say suicide,
but we shouldn't laugh about it.
Yeah, I would start more beef
if I was them.
Yeah.
The shit in LA is so funny.
It's like,
if you're here for 15 minutes,
it's $17.
How are you getting that math?
Where's that math from, bro?
We doing Bitcoin numbers out here?
Dude, a lot of the behavior from parking attendants,
you can tell that they,
some of them have never driven a vehicle.
Yeah, they don't have a car there.
Yeah.
They never have a car there.
They get dropped off.
The prices are arbitrary.
It almost depends on how angry their wife was at them that morning
as to how much you're going to have to pay. Yeah.
That's how I feel a lot of times
dude. And that guy, cause you and I
you and I had the same
location for our podcast. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. And that got
the parking attendant
we would find
him. He started wearing
no shoes in the bathroom. Really?
It must be more freeing. I mean, he was
there so much, it probably felt like home for him, you know?
Yeah. Somebody taking a shit and kicking his shoes off,
you know, it's kind of like, it's like a
white flag. It's like a tree, you know?
You're like, I'm done.
Yeah, like my wife wins,
you know? Exactly. Yeah.
Yeah, you take your shoes off shit. Yeah. You're about to be there for
25 minutes at least. You're parking a shit if we're talking about it. Yeah. Yeah. You take your shoes off shit. Yeah. You about to be there for 25 minutes at least.
Oh.
You're parking a shit if we're talking about it.
Yeah.
I got to fucking.
Yeah.
It's got to be weird just working there and knowing like your job is going to be like
done.
And also your office is three feet by four feet.
Your office is a standing up coffin.
Yeah.
When you die, they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the side and like, hey, it's buried right there. Dude. Dude. Your office is a standing up coffin. When you die, they just tilt over the toll booth and just put it on the side.
And like, hey, it's buried right there.
Dude, your office, that's a crazy thing.
Your office, you can't even turn around in your office.
Like you have to walk out sideways out of your office.
It's kind of nice though.
He's got like a porch, which is just the parking lot.
Yeah.
Well, he also had, the craziest thing that guy had was he had an air conditioning unit.
Did he really?
On the side of the...
That's bigger than the whole unit.
It was a porta potty
with like an air conditioning unit
on the side of it.
Yeah, it was.
And he would blast that bitch, man.
He would be in there
just getting frosty, bro.
Yeah, that's fun, man.
Yeah, that's quite a job, man.
Yeah, there's been a lot of,
I guess,
because that's where
King and the Sting was.
That's where we did that.
Yeah.
What other podcasts
were in there I wonder
was there other ones
H3
H3 used to be in there
H3 was in the same building
yeah
wow
fucking legendary
so that place has a little bit
of history to it
uh
there's some other shit
going on over there too
I always see couples
who are fighting
coming down the halls
so maybe there's like a
couples therapy in there
there's a um it's like that Jerry Springer outpost
or whatever,
like where you get tested
or whatever that thing is.
Wait,
they have a Jerry Springer outpost in there?
Dude,
look at,
look at young me.
Wow.
You and Callahan.
Three years ago.
I remember being so excited
when I was on that episode.
I watched it like,
like the premiere.
Really?
Yeah.
With the girls dating at the time.
They're like,
fucking,
walking the stage
dude that's so cool
that was fun man
yeah it was awesome
there's been some
good podcast studios
like and a lot of them
I guess move over time
I'm trying to think
because H3 moved
out of there
Rogan's moved
at least twice
I think he remodeled
his new one in Austin
but he had the one
that was out
like in Woodland Hills for years.
What I was like about whenever you move yours,
it always looks the same.
So you never know if you're like in LA or Nashville.
Where are we right now?
Who knows?
Welcome to Tennessee, people.
We're in Nashville right now.
Where the tax savings are better.
Hell yeah, brother.
Hell yeah.
If the IRS is watching,
we are in Nashville, Tennessee all, or at least half of it.
Yeehaw, boys.
You had a show last night at the Wiltern.
How was that?
Yeah, I showed at the Wiltern.
It was cool, man.
Bro, a lot of the fucking Raza showed up, bro.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah, dude.
Yeah, Sunday's a good day for the Raza to fill up.
The fucking Raza, because they're all off of work, dog.
Oh, it's a holiday today.
Oh, yes.
President's Day?
President, yeah.
Is it?
President's Day.
What is Biden doing today?
Playing Angry Birds somewhere?
Imagine what he's doing.
I bet he's just kind of like this.
I feel like President's Day should be like a bachelor party for him.
I think he should like.
I know.
I think people look over the fact that Bill Clinton got head, and that's like so cool.
Yeah, when you think about the fact that he did that.
Good.
Yeah. It's like so cool. Yeah. When you think about the fact that he did that. Good. Yeah.
Oh, somebody should.
Yeah.
They should ripen up the president's nuts every now and then.
I feel like it should be.
That should be in the fucking contract.
It's crazy how you work so hard to be president.
You can't even get somebody to suck you off because you can get somebody to suck you off if you aren't president.
Yeah.
And it's fine.
I've done it.
I'm not president.
To go to Amsterdam, it's like $200.
You get a quick nut off.
And I ran for senior class president in high school and I didn't win, but I still got sucked
off.
Yeah.
In Amsterdam?
Yeah.
Yeah, bro.
I've been there too.
I got escorted in Amsterdam.
Did you go to the red light district or you had someone come to you?
I went to red light district.
You had somebody come to you?
No, no, no.
I was saying-
Like a door sasher? Like what are you talking about? Yeah. I have my own red light district or you had someone come to you i went to red light district you had somebody come no no i was saying you got a door hasher yeah i have my own red light district i put my
iphone light up there yeah that's great yeah no i i went there yeah it was interesting bro yeah
what was that like so like what was it like for you and i'll tell you what it was like for me
it was it was um were you by yourself no i was with uh with four dudes. More sauce. More sauce.
Dude, the red light is just all dudes.
And then like families, which is weird.
Like what do you tell your kids?
There's mama back in the 90s.
Well, it's all dudes and everybody I think is trying to pretend like they're not there.
Which is interesting.
They're acting like they're there for like the art of it. Yeah.
Like when their wife goes,
I'm going to go get a trill.
Like,
you're not going to go pop one off real quick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was a lot of just groups of dudes and be funny.
Cause you could tell who did it already and who didn't.
Cause some groups would look curious and some guys would have like a little,
the guys who just did it would be like a little sweaty and they'd be coming
out like,
Oh yeah.
We,
we were at a bar just watching this one red door, and the guys would come out laughing or ashamed.
It was scary when I went in there, dude.
It was.
Because there's a red light, and there's no other lights, really.
Yeah.
Well, there's a blue light.
Do you know what that is?
Is that for gay men?
It is for, I believe, if you have a tits and a penis.
Oh, for trans.
Yeah.
So it's like a trans-like district.
Yeah, blue light district.
The lights tell the story, well, most of the time.
Yeah, so that's like...
Yeah, what does it say?
Can you give me some info on it?
Let me see.
Blue lights signify the prostitute is transgender.
Red lights are for female.
A mix of blue and red lights advertise the trans woman take on all commerce.
Wow.
That is just.
So you got options.
Yeah.
Male or female.
Does it say anything else about it?
That's interesting.
I didn't know that, dude.
But so anyways, it was interesting because, you know, at first you're shocked at how crowded it is.
It's just right on the main street. Walking down the street. Yeah. There's no barrier to entry. It was like because, you know, at first you're shocked at how crowded it is. It's just right on the main street.
Walking down the street.
Yeah.
There's no barrier to entry.
It was like Venice Beach.
Like it was just like, oh, get a kebab.
Here's tits.
There's like a Starbucks and then a Star Cucks?
Bucks.
Starbucks.
Yeah.
How did I miss that?
I don't know.
I feel like that was your alley.
That's right up my alley.
That's so up your alley.
I feel like.
Damn hard I do.
Dude, yeah.
There was like a Starbucks and then a Starbucks.
Yes.
Right there.
Except I wasn't a star fucking.
I was nervous, dude.
I didn't know.
Like, do I dirty talk?
Oh, I didn't know.
I remember getting two coffees before and I was like, that isn't going to fucking.
I was at that age where you thought coffee like helped your wiener, you know.
Does it not?
No, it doesn't do anything.
It makes you very scared of being in a room
with somebody
that you just met
for sex.
Yeah,
dude,
and it's so,
it's like the red door
is illustrious.
You walk in
and then they take you
upstairs to like a cot.
Yeah.
And having sex on a cot
is not great
unless you're like in the army
then it's kind of fun.
But yeah,
it's very military style
in there.
I felt like,
and the girl,
this is what,
and this is what got me
was the girl was mean. Really? Yeah. you want it you know put condom put condom oh that's kind of hot
and i was like and i was so scared dude i remember putting my putting the condom around my hole
like even putting my nuts into the can that's probably smart for safety just like just bagging
your groceries i was a bagger for like 18 months even.
Oh, really?
I just remember everything.
You'd hop out to the cart.
And then I was so scared.
We kind of started, it was just intense.
And then there's like a guy kind of waiting downstairs.
I remember we walked past like a pretty strong guy.
She told me, she's like, you have 20 minutes.
And I was like, I only need 19.
But the thought of it now that
i got a timer in my head i'm like nervous and it's so hard to get hard on demand oh it's unbelievable
if i was in seventh grade that would have been way easier more illegal but she could have been
like sneeze and i'd be like yeah but yeah it was uh it was that and then she's like oh like are you
visiting and she and i and i like start to like try to get out myself and she's like oh no i'll
do it for you i was like damn this is like a whole experience whole catering here yeah there was a lot of i remember they put
uh after the i remember after the condom was on they would uh start a blow job yeah which can't
taste good oh i felt horrible i was like oh this isn't you know i remember saying like oh this is
not what my penis tastes like you know i didn't want her thinking that like my penis tasted like that.
Like the Michelin Man or something.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, it is weird.
And I remember I said something out loud.
It's basically like somebody that blows up balloons all the time.
Yeah, reverse fucking clown with the balloon.
But I remember like dirty talking, but I was too shy to say it loud.
So one of my brothers was like, oh, it's fucking hot.
I think she said what?
And I was like, oh, it's nothing.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember.
I see.
Yeah.
I said, I think, I even think I remember saying like, let me see your pie or something.
Did she show it?
I mean, I'm sure she did.
I don't know.
It's so dark in there.
You don't know what's going on.
It was crazy.
It's almost just like, please let me,
so I can get back out of here.
I do.
I just, I mean, mainly for this story,
but the whole time, the post-nut regret was crazy.
Because right after I walked out,
another dude walked in and I was like, oh no.
She doesn't care about me.
Oh, definitely.
Oh, that's part of it too.
You're like, oh, there's nothing.
There's nothing emotional about it at all. It's like laid down, that's part of it too. You're like, oh, there's nothing. There's nothing
emotional about it at all. It's like laid down, put on a condom. Um, yeah. And they put like a
paper towel over my dick. So I had kind of like a placemat, which is kind of respectful if you
think about it. Um, they put like a towel over it just so it's not like touching like skin on skin,
which is kind of cool. Like, you know, have a little bib. You'd have like a plan like that.
I remember I walked past the same door the next day and I saw her.
And my first thought was, I wonder if she remembers me.
Wow.
And she didn't.
No way.
I walked right past her.
I like didn't like wave or anything, but I walked extra slow.
Because in my head, like how cool would that be?
She's like, there goes my baby.
Yeah, right?
She's with another man.
What if she remembers anybody from those years, you know?
Because I think to them it's probably,
I would love to be able to talk to one of those.
That'd be a really good interview, honestly.
That'd be sick, huh?
That'd be a really good interview.
Just to learn what it's like and like,
what is the turnover like?
And then you have sex with them and now it's plug talk.
You know about that show?
Plug talk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's Adam 22?
Yeah.
I think about that format all the time.
That's a crazy.
You just interview,
you just interview a porn star.
You're like, yeah, so tell me what it was like growing up in Michigan.
And then four minutes later, just.
If I hosted that show, I would interview for, I don't know, 19 seconds.
And I'd be like, cool, let's fuck.
To do an hour, then to do ad reads, tour dates, let me fuck.
That's crazy.
Oh, dude.
To stop in the middle of fucking to talk about a VPN browser.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bro, that show is insane.
Like, imagine if you and I talked.
ZocDoc.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is actually insane.
It's insane.
Ship station.
Yeah, exactly.
Imagine if you and I in three minutes had to
start fucking bro that would be crazy i think we're at that point now cut the lights i mean it's
it's crazy that's what we have to compete with in podcasting like not only do shows like mine
have to compete with like amazing shows like yours and like tim dylan but i also have to compete with
shows where they fuck and there's hot chicks on it.
Oh, I know.
It's just crazy to me.
Like that's the, that's competition right now.
It's just where it is.
It's where, you know, everything has like an old OnlyFans element.
Yeah.
I think even at like in the future.
I think Etsy you can buy nudes.
Yeah.
I'm not shocked, man.
You can, I think even on, in the future,
I wonder if it would be like you're at the grocery store
and you're like making a salad and you can like.
There's an option.
Yeah, for an extra, you know, $3,
you can see somebody's vagina just for 30 seconds.
I'd do it.
You know?
Yeah, because sometimes it's just like an add-on, you know?
Like at the end when I'm checking out, it's like,
oh, would you like to donate an extra dollar
for this local charity?
I'm like, no.
But if it was a stripper named charity. Yeah.'re talking yeah so i'm about seeing an add-on
tit like that could be a fun like think about that parking guy at that old spot like if he's like oh
17 to park what the fuck you're 18 but you gotta see a tit yeah like all right i'll pull up yeah
i'll park here for a little for a night or two slide yeah i'll pull up i'll stop by dude you
know they just found a they they just found a bunch of gay fish somewhere.
Where was that at?
Fish sticks?
Huh?
Fish sticks?
I think it was just gay fish they had.
Whatever it is.
Pull that up, man.
Was it rainbow trout?
I don't know.
It could have been, dude.
Imagine being a trout and someone calls you a rainbow trout.
What the fuck did I do?
It's on, bro.
Wait, Bonnaroo?
Yeah, if there's a place.
A taxonomy of gay animals. Oh, bro, if you call me
a rainbow trout, it's on. Sight.
Splash, homie. If I'm a fish,
it's on. Oh, on splash.
A taxonomy of gay animals. Wow.
Taxonomy?
Is that where they stuff you when you're dead?
Tax.
Taxidermy.
A lot of black people are getting stuffed now
when they die. Really? Yeah.
Bring up a couple of stuffed...
These searches are crazy.
It's not you.
It's the fucking producers back there.
I think every podcast producer's
laptop should be taken to the CIA
to be studied. It'll be like,
is jizz edible?
Where is Epstein locatedstein located 2024 not clickbait
miley cyrus leaked nudes joe biden hog size question mark dude what did you find there's
you know there's some there's stuff in a lot of brothers now uh at funerals no like at um there was a guy and he he was a black dude he they like took his
body to like a nightclub yes after he passed that's what i'm talking he was like standing up
in the club yeah that's i have seen that a lot of honestly like it's kind of cool but like imagine
you like like spill a drink on him you're like. Bro, black guy nightclub dead body. That's going to bring up a million shares.
136,000 in 3.7 seconds.
Wait, type in like dead body goes to a nightclub.
Yeah, that's bad.
They had him like propped up and they're like playing his music.
Yeah, that was it.
Do you know what you'd want to wear in a casket?
Or are you going to go cremation?
I want to get vaped.
Do you?
You want to go what? Like put me in like a jewel and then like vape me out like if you can get cremated
can i get fucking you know yeah i think vape to be hilarious i wouldn't mind on being almost like
um blackened or whatever or like um pecan crusted oh pecan crusted so people roll up and like wow
that's pretty cool oh yeah i yeah. Taters around you?
Yeah, like a blackened salmon is really good.
Oh, so good.
I think if you did something, dead rapper's body. Yeah, I think this is it.
Propped up in club for disrespectful public viewing.
I don't know if it's disrespectful.
I don't think so either.
A lot of.
Yeah, there is.
Well, he's got a mirror on.
Yeah, definitely.
So he obviously, he's a big fan of the show power
dude he's just in the club dead where else do you want to be though i guess imagine if the dj
didn't know he's dead he's like yo put your hands up he's just like oh nothing all right man fuck
you too then he just can't do it it costs extra to get his hands he's got two people behind
um but that's the kind of thing i think you're going to start seeing more of you're going to Can't do it. It costs extra to get his hands put up. He's got two people behind him.
But that's the kind of thing I think you're going to start seeing more of. You're going to start to see people want to be seen.
They want attention.
There's not as much respect for being dead as there used to be.
I mean, most people have the amount of cremations gone up.
I'm really curious about that.
The annual number of cremations in the United States is expected to rise from
1.91 million in 2022
to 2.26 million by 2030
and a 2.94 million
by 2040. Look at that Google search. What is the
cremation trend in 2023? What is this?
A fucking TikTok.
And I guess people have less faith and stuff now.
They're not involved with the church because wasn't that a lot?
Do you think that's one of the reasons
why people get cremated?
Cremation rate in the United States from 1960 to 2035.
How much does it cost to get cremated?
Oh, look at this.
Those are good numbers.
Well, it's unbelievable.
1960 was 3.56% cremation rate.
That also looks like every chart ever in the world ever invented.
It's actually a really good point.
They could have just put anything on that.
2035 says 77.8%.
How much does it cost to get cremated?
Is there like a group rate?
I think there's like a chart.
Wait, it's like a thousand?
Direct cremation cost comparison
in the top 10 cities in the US.
So if you want to get cremated in la
you're looking at 1655 or low cost wait why is there a low cost how what do they do with a
bick lighter what the fuck's the difference dude yeah it's low cost it's like the uber pool you're
in there with a bunch of other dudes yeah it's it's just a little bit of a mix. Yeah, exactly.
I do think it is.
You get the bag back and it has like braces in it or something.
You're like, God.
Is this a sketcher?
I kind of want both.
Like maybe half.
This is what I'm doing.
I'm going to do half my body cremation.
Half is going to be casket.
So it looks like I'm still in the casket.
Because I still want to be like spread somewhere.
Top is casket body. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah and what was the cost of the half cost nick
maybe like a centaur or something the price of what the half cost the cheaper one
like 955 955 for that cheaper i still want to be spread somewhere but like i also want to be buried
yeah i think you get both options oh this would this would be sick, dude. So your top half is coffin.
Open coffin.
Exactly.
That's what I'm saying.
Right?
Yeah.
And you could just fucking do like that or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you throw up the blood sign?
Yeah.
Or even just put one of these down here so your buddies fucking see it.
Bro, that would be so sick.
And then have like a note on the casket that's like open for a surprise.
And you're like, oh, what is that?
Maybe his favorite belt buckle.
Just like this.
One of those right there.
Could you imagine?
That would be so good. Yeah, you have to.
Bro, that would be the fucking best.
And then the bottom half of you, totally cremated, bro.
And if you can offer the ladies, if they want to take some home, they can take a little bit home.
Like a little key bump or something?
Yeah, take a fucking key bump of your butt.
And it's extra for the crotch area.
Exactly.
Or I would put the paraplegic legs on me.
So when I go to heaven, people think that
oh, he fought in a war.
I'm like, oh no, I just wanted to be spread and sand.
You're like a warist gump or something?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You think people just are going to
give you more props in heaven
because you're handicapped?
Yeah, well if I have
paraplegic legs, like fake legs.
It's definitely a showstopper.
But you're going to have angel wings.
The legs are just going to slow you down.
You're flying.
So now you're just this fucking angel.
Yeah, but if I take them off, I'm so light.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
But then I forgot my legs.
Yeah, that'd be a-
It's kind of lose-lose.
Yeah.
Door dash, baby.
That's what it is.
When you want something just dashed over to your door.
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Yeah, but I would go cremation weighs down.
There's got to be options where, what is the difference I wonder between the higher cost of cremation and the
lower cost?
Maybe like a finer grain.
Like when you ground coffee beans,
you can do like espresso or you can do like a more coarse one.
Maybe it's like a finer grain.
Like an Americano.
Yeah,
exactly.
Where would you want your ashes to be spread?
Dude, I would spread them in some rich asshole's fucking house probably.
Just randomly?
The yard?
Just somewhere, like somebody who would, like it would bother them, you know?
Yeah.
Like somebody you just want to get under their skin a little bit.
You'll never leave them.
That's good.
Maybe give a little, give a half ounce to your kids or something.
They can spread it.
Yeah, hopefully keep, you know.
I would do like a,
like a modern day anthrax maybe.
Like put it in somebody's mail.
Oh, I love that.
Is anthrax still around or did fentanyl take it?
Anthrax,
it's, yeah, I guess fentanyl totally took its job.
Damn.
Yeah, people were getting got in a Macy's catalog.
With anthrax?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just the mail.
Oh, yeah.
You definitely, a perfume sample and you're dead.
Oh, an East Bay magazine.
Two huffs of Dior and you're fucking rocked out of here.
What happened with that?
I'm not saying bring a bag, but where'd it go?
I'm just saying, bro, that people would pop up
in a Johnston and Murphy catalog.
The Eddie Bauer catalog
would fucking you up.
On there, it said the top places to get
cremated.
Popular places to scatter ashes.
This is interesting. I'm sure somebody
spread it at a Theo Von show for sure.
I think somebody spread it.
You think?
A hundred percent.
Bro, what about that story? Like Mizzou or something?
Definitely.
Yeah.
Maybe something could have happened.
What about that story?
I remember there was a girl went to a Dane Cook show and disappeared after it.
You ever see that?
Oh, no, I didn't.
Yeah.
It's on this episode of this show Disappeared.
And if you like shows about people that are missing and everything, and I love that kind
of stuff.
I love missing people.
And, but that, yeah.
Can you find that, Nick?
She got kidnapped or she just went missing?
They don't know, bro.
Damn.
She was a huge Jane Cook fan, went to his show, and a lot of people thought he had something
to do with it.
Did he ever speak publicly on it?
I don't know. He had a whole bit about it. He had a bit on it? Yes, he did. We can had something to do with it. Did he ever speak publicly on it? I don't know.
He had a whole bit about it.
He had a bit on it?
Yes, he did.
Well, you can't do a bit on it.
You can't monetize a missing person.
But you have to.
I think you do something as an homage maybe.
Maybe an homage, yeah.
That's true.
But it's like, God, that would be so crazy.
Somebody went missing after.
Bro, people have definitely gone missing after one of your shows.
Probably somebody just fucking disappeared in the back of their life family, but they're
still alive. I think they just dipped on their wife or something. Somebody fell through a portal
in a vape shop after one of your shows, bro. Definitely a couple of DUIs for sure. For sure.
Yeah. I've had people, uh, text me afterwards, like had a great time. Your show got a deal.
I've had that. It's like, yeah, at least you made it home.
But yeah, there was this big thing I was seeing somewhere like that about gay fish online.
Was there anything on that, Nick?
It's just a lot of Kanye South Park results.
Okay.
Dude, once we start eating gay fish, dude, we are.
I think tilapia might be up there.
I think, because tilapia is just like a mixture of like fish, isn't it?
Tilapia is like a, definitely like a gangbang of fish.
Right, that's what I'm saying.
I've never heard of it.
You've never seen like, oh, look at the tilapia.
Never been at this Indian Kazuma.
Oh, they got tilapias here.
Oh, they keep making fake fish, dude. Every, like, I've talked about at this Indian Kazuma. Oh, they got tilapias here. Oh, they keep making fake fish, dude.
I've talked about this many times.
Every five months, they're like, oh, check out this, the barramundi, you know, or the whitefish or the wee fish.
Or the go fish, dude.
Yeah, it just never ends.
Isn't tilapia made in a farm?
It's not a normal— it's not bred in the wild
yeah i never see i've never seen like somebody catch a tilapia at all let me see tilapia is
the common name for nearly a hundred species of fish yeah it's kind of like just a mutt of a
yeah they're mainly freshwater fish inhabiting shallow streams yeah they're fucking total
crack fish dude it's as if somebody took a
net and just
picked up everything at Skid Row
and made like a
beef out of it. It's like a bologna with a fish.
Bologna is like five different animals in one, right?
Oh, bologna is
yeah, bologna should be on
episode of Plug Talk. I feel like it's fucking
just been. It's one of the girls they interviewed.
But bologna's fucking delicious.
I don't know what it is.
What do you talk about
on a show before you know
you have to fuck?
That's what's so funny to me.
It's like a 30 minute
or an hour long episode
and they're just like
talking about their upbringing
and then they're just
it's so
it fascinates me.
And my favorite part
and I know Adam and they're really nice
to me and everything yeah same man i've been on his show yeah yeah but they have like the
the wired headphone like the ted talk headphone while they're having sex maybe but during the
interview so which it makes the interview seem so much more pro prolific to be like, so tell me about, you said you are a big fan of
smooth R&B.
And then he just has that on.
This was it?
Yeah, it was a guy that went missing.
Kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer.
He and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together
just days before her first surgery.
Kyle took his sister, Noelle,
and his mother, Barbara,
for a special treat to a Dane Cook comedy concert
to lift her spirits.
He was in a great mood.
After the show, Kyle tells his mom
that he and some friends are heading to a popular bar
in uptown Charlotte.
Anything else?
Keep looking on that, Nick, though,
or see if Zach can.
Because something happened.
It's on an episode of Disappeared, a girl left a Dane Cook show.
Every time in Disappeared episode, Dane Cook?
Yeah.
There you go.
That's why you're a producer, man.
Yeah, what else, dude?
What else has been going on, man?
How are you?
I know your special came out, bro.
It was so good.
Really?
Bro, so good.
Thank you, man.
I was really happy with it.
Yours, Stavros, are ones that I really liked.
But yeah, yours was just, it keeps going.
Like the material keeps going.
It's fast.
It's punchy.
I think you have to do that on the TV ones.
Yeah.
Yeah, I wanted it to look really good.
And I had a, a lot of my sketches have like a camera that like zooms in a bunch, like on the lens.
So I had somebody at the special just solely zooming in a bunch. And's three shows so i was like here's the beast on the jokes for
these jokes i'm gonna look at that camera and like when i look we should like meet like the zoom in
the middle so like there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to
a guy himself just cranking away on that on that sony but yeah i wanted it to have a good retention
and just like look good i think it was a great first first special. I think it's, it's so good.
It's not like the most fucking goaded special in the world, but like I was really happy
with it.
And I think a lot of people liked it.
Oh dude, a hundred percent, man.
But are any of them good?
I mean, some of them are good.
It's hard to make one perfect.
It's so hard to make comedy onto a special, like as opposed to seeing it in person.
It's not even the same thing. It's not even close it in person. It's not even the same thing.
It's not even close.
It's not even the same thing at all.
It's almost a travesty to do it really in a way.
Yeah, it doesn't even compare to be close.
It's like when you're watching a standup show,
you're watching anybody in the back of your room,
you're always like permanently smiling.
Like you're just static holding a smile.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you're like constantly just like laughing and smiling.
You're watching at home, You're just in like this.
You're like,
you start with the frown.
Yeah.
So you have to work out of a like ditch.
Yeah.
There's just,
yeah.
You're at home.
You're fucking,
you're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever.
Or you're one of your kids wants to love your whatever and you can't handle it or something.
But yeah,
you're just frowning.
You're just supposed to like,
yeah,
I think somebody put it the best way to me as a special all it is is just a giant commercial
for your touring where you're like hey this is a glimpse of what a show looks like here's what i
do for people live last year so this is like what a trevor wallace or theovan show would look like
got it and i mean you're doing arenas dude so like everything is helping i mean you're fucking
you're crushing right now yeah we've been definitely been having fun man thanks you're doing arenas, dude. So like everything is helping. I mean, you're fucking, you're crushing right now. Yeah. We've been,
we've definitely been having fun,
man.
Thanks.
Australia.
I was out there in November.
You've been,
yeah or no?
Yeah,
I've been,
it's just been about four years though.
Okay.
Cause of COVID,
but I'm stoked,
bro. I'm going to go back again,
even like,
I think maybe later this year.
Really?
And do like Perth and some other shows.
Oh yeah.
Perth is,
you've been to Perth,
right?
Yeah.
We just didn't put it on there.
This,
it just,
the way it put together is just like, Perth is also like five hours from everywhere else. Yeah yeah, Perth is, you've been to Perth, right? Yeah, we just didn't put it on there. It just, the way it put together
is just like. Well, Perth is also like five hours
from everywhere else. Yeah. People don't realize, and me,
when I say people, I mean myself, I didn't realize it's the same
size as the U.S. essentially.
When they're like, our flight from Sydney to
Perth is like five hours, I was like, how?
What, are we fucking driving?
What's happening? What bus is this?
It's a massive area.
And bro, they got some fucking trans animals over there, dog.
Yeah.
Have you seen that quokka?
Oh, yeah.
Bring that thing up, dude.
Yeah, those are.
That thing will slurp a tit right off your.
I think he's fresh off some poppers.
The quokka's off the poppers right there.
Bro, you're telling me this animal.
That's a Pixar animal in real life.
Ain't off a per 30 right now.
You telling me
on God's earth.
they say they have like
the best cocaine out there
and like,
that's proof of it,
bro.
Look at that.
That's that quokkane,
homie.
Quokkane.
That bitch is on the quokkane.
There ain't not a chance
he's eating that fucking
cocoa leaf right there.
Look at that dude.
And they're all in good shape.
They got good bodies.
Yeah,
they're doing drugs. They're jacked too. He's eating a in good shape. They got good bodies. Yeah, they're doing drugs.
They're jacked, too. He's eating a leaf, bro.
He thinks it's a fucking Shaken Shack burger.
Oh, man. Dude, what's a wiener look like
on one of those things, buddy?
Pull that up, Nicky.
What's a
penis? There you go.
Let's see that.
Oh, damn.
Should've got that little bird house he's running up
is that a baby one?
oh they have pouches too?
god that's so cool
maybe look for a drawing of it Nick
oh yeah the kangaroos
have weird dongs
they look like you know like
Harry Potter sticks
yeah and that's so crazy
yeah they're weird have you been to the kangaroo park in I think Brisbane? you know, like, uh, Harry Potter sticks. Yeah. And that's so crazy.
Yeah. They're weird.
I was at the,
have you been on the Kangaroo park in,
um,
I think Brisbane.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I went there and they're,
and they're weird.
They're just hopping around all fucking jacked up.
And you can't tell if they're going to beat the fuck out of you or be cool with you.
Yeah.
It's almost like being around like UFC fighters.
Yeah.
Dude,
that's so true.
I was at this thing with Burton Tom recently and Nate Diaz was there
no really
it's like he's one of those guys
if you look eyes for too long
you're like
we're either about to kiss
or he's about to kill me
yeah he is
kind of cool like
super intimidating
yeah well a lot of
great marriages
have started with
even as a beating
the Stockton kangaroo
right there
this is crazy though
oh is he from Stockton
yeah dude
a lot of missing people in Stockton he from Stockton? Yeah, dude. A lot of missing
people in Stockton. You got to Stockton is an interesting place. Oh, there's some people are
just, you're like, you can even go to like, Hey, are you missing? And people like, yeah.
How did you know? Yeah. It's so weird that Stockton's in California.
There's a lot of people in Stockton that are using like calling cards. You're like,
what's going on? It's like a piece of New Jersey in California. People are using like calling cards still. You're like, what's going on?
It's like a piece of New Jersey in California.
People are like, hey, can you help me get it to a pay phone?
And you're like, yeah.
Everybody's got carburetors on them.
Yeah.
Just like, you're just shocked at like some of the,
like people have been crossing time zones and stuff, you know?
Yeah.
Great place.
Great place.
Oh, no, no.
It's fun, dude. It's a fun place and people love it and um yeah i think disney's gonna be doing a thing up there too
even imagine that hey goofy like hey goofy dog you trying to fucking box or what you know
i would watch that dude for sure when i went to
school in tucson arizona they had uh in the car washes all the like um first of all i had i went
there and i had to take uh spanish right and all the kids in college in this was in high school
all the kids there were mexican so they would all just like so he's calling me like uh
or whatever
you know in Spanish
or just different things
you know
and I was the only one
paying attention
it was just like
me and the teacher
just having a one on one
I was the only white dude
they would have
like gang things
would happen at lunch
they'd have to have
the alarm go off
you'd have to lay down
and like just eat your sandwich
lay it down
like an earthquake drill
yeah just like that
was it an earthquake drill or gang shit?
Gang shit.
Gang shit does pop off.
Oh dude.
It would happen.
Yeah.
It would happen a lot.
And you'd have to lay down and just eat your burger.
And then that,
uh,
the for real fucking Vatos,
Los Violencias,
they would have,
um,
fights in the car wash after school.
And after like, it's a good place. Oh, after a certain amount that got somebody would break them in the car wash after school and after like
it's a good place
oh after a certain amount
they got somebody
would break them
out the thing
and just spray it down
and that would be
the end of the fight
it's pretty cool dude
it's kind of a
you know a bit of tradition
it's almost like
being at the rodeo
kind of you know
it's fun
you get to like
leave there with a shower
so even if your ass beat
you're like ready to party
and sometimes you see
the rainbow in the mist
you know
and then you like
get your hair blow dried
at the end
my Spanish teacher she had a really soft voice,
so she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip.
No way.
She had a microphone, and it would project her voice.
And I used to take my dad's.
My dad had hip surgery, and he got prescribed Vicodin,
and he was allergic to them, so he didn't take them.
So I would just sneak a Vicodin every once in a while before Spanish class.
So I would just be fucking biked out listening to ricky martin 2.0 just blasting away dude and she would just be dude it was so good i have like vivid memories of her class
9 a.m and i would smoke before class sometimes yeah and i didn't know spanish at all so just
being high off the perk set hearing spanish I was like, I think this is like
how Duolingo was invented.
Like, I just remember sitting there just nodding my head like there was music on.
Just being like, this is good.
Yeah.
Shut up and say it.
Yeah, dude.
She's great, man.
Dude, yeah.
Our Spanish teacher, one of them was like a reformed gangster.
Oh, that's cool.
So all the Spanish they taught us was like about fucking funeralists
and like fucking
coyotes and all kind of
bloody knuckles and shit
a lot of this shit was very violent
then we had this other guy
Senor Vliet was his name
in Mandeville
and if you made a casserola
what's that?
as a gift,
if you brought it to school,
you got, I'm not even joking,
that's the craziest thing,
50,000 bonus points.
What is this fucking whose line is it anyways?
Just giving out insane points for nobody?
It was crazy, dude.
You could be a complete failure in the class.
You could be pregnant.
You could not have a head or hands. You could be in the class. You could be pregnant. You could not have a head or hands.
You could be in the class and have like a five.
Your grade could be 11 points.
You graduate early because of a casserole?
And you show up on casserole day, bro.
Oh, it was a day?
75,000 bonus points, dude.
They had the most random shit for extra credit.
Sometimes they get like a little sexual.
They're like, oh oh bring him his favorite
hostess cookie and we'll give you some points you can go get it yeah they just had a teacher
i was looking at what was that thing that we saw there was also always a pregnant girl in pe
oh dude be 16 she's like oh i can't run the mile i'm pregnant i was like fucking jealous
um oh i lost the spelling bee to a pregnant girl do you remember the word yep
inconvenience which was what she had dude a fucking inconvenience of a child hey look yeah
how many letters in you realize that's just she probably had to spell that word because she
fucking says it so goddamn much she's like fuck i can can't drink Sailor Jerry's because I got this inconvenience.
Now use it in a sentence.
She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience.
Do you remember what letter
you made it to? Yeah, I messed
up the E and the I or the I and the E.
That's a tricky one. And I was so happy
she did. Helena was her name and
she was
pregnant. And she kind of looked pregnant even if
she wasn't pregnant okay she just like she had the attitude for it she just yeah she was ready
to just hatch something it's kind of nice you're pregnant you get like nine months of like the
world is your bitch like you could just you go to the parking guy and be like no pregnant you
could probably get into the white house honestly i. I'm pregnant. Oh, okay.
Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah.
Letter through, they start saying.
It's kind of crazy.
Does TSA see the baby in you when they do the scanner?
Yeah, and the baby's in there like this.
Viva la raza.
I fucking love you,
Tio.
The wheel turned.
What did we have?
What was that?
Didn't they have a thing about a teacher?
Bring it back up.
Yeah, an Arizona teacher was fired for her OnlyFans account.
Isn't that Rachel Dozo?
That's Rachel Dolezal, dude.
They say once you go black, you never come back.
Not the case with her.
She's teaching right now?
Yeah.
In Tucson.
Do you see this?
Oh, no way.
Those are your people.
Rachel Dolezal, who goes by Nkechi Diallo, which I'm going to say, I'm going to limp.
Nkechi Diallo sounds back and way black, like not even American black.
Diallo?
Nkechi Diallo?
That sounds like Kenyon.
Lost her job at the Catalina Foothills School District.
Wow.
Was teaching kids as an after-school instructor.
She was under fire in 2014, accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the NAACP.
Look, first of all, if someone wants to do a job and do it well, I don't think you should not let them do it because of their ethnicity.
That goes against
what the whole program is even trying to say
it feels like. But what else happened to her?
Is she twerking in that video?
Nuh-uh. Is that the video that got her
fired? Oh. Yeah, someone
screen grabbed a video. Nuh-uh. Somebody.
All the kids did.
Ooh. Dude, I
swear I thought I saw her at the gym this morning. Oh, wow.
Yeah. She's showing that oyster morning. Oh, wow. Yeah.
She's showing that oyster dressing right there, bro.
She's looking for that extra credit right there.
There's her casserole.
Yeah, we only learned of Miss Nketi Diallo.
Everybody knows who that is, though.
Like, she'd walk in class and be like, oh, Miss Diallo.
We're like, that's Rachel Dolezal.
Also, like, just do OnlyFans.
You don't need to be a teacher.
Yeah, that's a good point.
But I think you have to get, this is messed up,
but where are you going to get your clientele?
If you don't go to school looking hot, bro.
No way.
You don't go to, if you had your hot teacher,
you're telling me if she had an OnlyFans, bro.
Miss Saffron, yeah, Miss Saffron.
And you could go home after school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching.
And then you look on your phone.
She has like a QR code on like her shirt or something.
I think if I was a substitute teacher, that's how I'd recruit.
Yeah.
You know, just be like, oh, here's what you do.
You go to pull up a presentation and then it's accidentally your only fans page.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
And then you see all the kids snap it i mean maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out her only fans is only gonna get higher so maybe you get fired as this
is all pr i support her man i would i wonder if she'd be interesting to talk to because um
definitely so diallo has a public social media page where she has LinkedIn OnlyFans page.
It doesn't say what school she was at.
Catalina Foothills.
That is a school, actually, Catalina Foothills.
In Tucson?
Yeah.
It was fancy, too.
I think it's messed up.
Well, here's part of the problem is we're not paying the teachers.
No.
So what are you expecting to do?
I don't think, like, it's crazy that your teacher, right? The person who's helping guide your child.
Youth of America.
Has to show their labia to get their bills paid.
Yeah. They want to get the scented Crayola markers.
They got to show a little.
That's crazy.
It's crazy though.
And then it's crazy.
The parents are then like, no, fuck that.
You know, like at least that teacher, I think is entrepreneurial.
Yeah.
She should be teaching a business class.
Yeah.
They should be firing the, whatever their, and whoever chooses the salaries for the school
people.
I did always like when the teachers like would spend their own money and like let the class
know, they would always let the kids know and be like, this was out of Ms. Eckertson's
budget.
You're, you know, I went to target myself on sunday and bought these markers oh shit hell yeah so if miss dolezal
or sorry to say government name miss diallo i'm catching is popping some puss but getting some
you know scented markers yeah i don't see a problem here look now if she merges the two
and sell some scented markers at. That are censored like her.
That's big money.
Gwyneth Paltrow had a vagina candle.
Did you ever see that?
Yeah, the vajandals or whatever.
Vajandals.
But it is crazy how people are having to do like, everybody's having to do OnlyFans. You know, you'll see like the DoorDash guy, his girlfriend's sitting there in the passenger seat.
And she's filming her like on a stream cam so they can
make money to go home and take care of their family to buy their family a fucking sack of warm
um jack-in-the-box yeah they have to drive for 12 hours a day and she's up there live streaming
two coot shots that just pays for like 47 dashes it's just crazy that it's all happening
kind of exciting though university of wisconsin lacrosse chancellor says he was fired over
pornographic videos made with his wife this happened in my hometown over christmas and
they had a cooking channel and they would make a dish and then they would have sex
wait really can we see? Like, what?
Yeah.
Yeah, one sec.
That's awesome.
That's fucking ratatouille talk right there.
Yeah, I think, I mean, every teacher is no different than anyone else.
Like, they're all pieces of shit.
Not pieces of shit, but they're all like, they're all adults.
I remember in seventh grade, I saw my teacher.
That's a crazy correlation.
So every, yeah, every teacher is a regular, just a fucking person.
Right.
I saw my seventh grade English teacher after school one day buying a handle of Pop-Off Vodka.
Me and my friend Matt saw her and she looked over and saw us and immediately turned.
She was buying Pop-Off Vodka at a CVS.
Dude, I remember we had a teacher who like her shirt, I swear they like put it on like the way it would like just hold her chest and everything.
It was just – if she had an OnlyFans, we would have spent – I would have raked every yard in my neighborhood.
You know how high my grades probably would have been?
Oh, yeah.
Or bad.
So you got to stay after class, get detention.
I mean it's great PR honestly.
It's not a great society to live detention i mean it's great pr honestly it's not a great
society to live in but it's great if you teach at a local school for like three years now all
of a sudden miss robertson is like oh dropped an only fans like those three years were just
promo yeah it's fucking smart move dolazal i like it man um dude did you know uh
down center and people can't backwards? Can you look that up?
Yeah, and then I want to see that video.
That's crazy, isn't it?
They can't walk backwards?
Uh-uh.
Wait, isn't there – wait, horses can't do that either.
Is that –
Yeah, down center people can't walk backwards, yeah.
So you have to do kind of like a 360?
Like how many moonwalking DS people have you seen?
To be honest.
You know?
You know?
Dude, you might be on something with that.
If we could train and it's impossible.
But they have the heart to do it.
If anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024, it's going to be one of our DS brethrens.
Oh, if we don't have a down center president by 2034, then I think we're not doing it right.
I think there should be a gang, like DS13.
That should be hard. That would DS 13. That should be hard.
That'd be crazy.
That should be hard.
Dog,
I'm gonna fucking hug you to death on me.
Yeah.
They're so nice,
man.
Oh,
the best.
Well,
they have a great coffee shop too in DC now.
That's all down syndrome people working there.
There's a down syndrome guy.
I think it's just,
yeah,
that down syndrome people can't walk backwards,
but we have a guy who came on here,
Chris Nickich,
and we talked about him a lot.
But he completed the Ironman.
Really?
And he has Down syndrome.
He can do more.
I mean, he's more physically gifted than you and I will ever be.
Yeah.
So, I mean, he ran like 400 miles or something.
Wow.
And they are stronger, no?
Is that?
I'd love to check back in with him.
That'd be cool, huh, Nick?
Yeah. On a, Nick? Yeah.
On a solo episode?
Yeah.
Let's just see how he's doing.
If he's still competing.
He's doing OnlyFans 2.
Yeah.
But that's where it's at now.
It's sad, you know.
But then I guess it's like you're in control of it.
So maybe it's not sad.
Maybe my view of it is sad.
Do you think it's sad or do you think it's okay? Like maybe you're right. Maybe we put this negative connot control of it. So maybe it's not sad. Maybe my view of it is sad. Do you think it's
sad or do you think it's okay? Like maybe you're right. Maybe we put this negative connotation on
it. Like if my teacher has an awesome body or a body that I want to see, or she likes showing it
off and twerking or whatever. No, I don't think, I think we've passed the point. Like maybe in the
beginning it might've been a little sad, but I think everybody has, even growing up, one of my
friends, this kid, Peter had a photo of his
mom naked in the house. And that was like, you know, that was free only fans back then. Cause
we would see that. And I still can remember that like visual, but she was doing that for free.
Just show like, imagine one day we all go to his house for sleepover and she accidentally was like,
oops, I left this website open. What's your email and credit card and CVV. And now we're
signing up for it. I think everybody's mom has been naked in a photo somewhere. So you might as well
monetize it. Yeah. I think as long as it doesn't interrupt with like what you're, I don't know.
I don't see a problem with it. There's this cooking couple and they cook and then, oh,
this is on Pornhub. This is legitimate. legitimate. So wait, these people were from your hometown?
Yeah, he was the chancellor at UWL, and they found out and he got fired.
And now he's probably going to sue because he says it was his First Amendment rights.
Yeah.
You know, I don't think that it's wrong.
You know, if people were going to do what they want to do, I think it might be a little strange.
Here's the strange part is if kids
can go and see you
doing something that's pretty
graphic, that ain't good
for kids.
No.
Doing this for 20,000 views, definitely
fire him for sure.
If this was like 10 million, you're like, dude, fuck yeah.
Now he's got a career. I think he's trying to
sue to make headlines
dude high school was freaking nuts bro
yeah dude there was two teachers that started dating
they both got divorced and started dating in my
in my middle
school and like it was like
remember when viral was just like word of mouth
like that's what it was everybody was like dude
fuck it one was a home ec and one was a history
teacher yeah so they were
getting historical in that place.
Dude, remember when viral was just some dude yelling something in the hallway?
Yeah.
Or like one guy did something in math class.
He threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the ceiling.
And then everybody heard about it at lunch.
That was viral.
They're like, damn, Ricky wadded up the fucking science, bro.
Yeah, dude.
What a legend, dude. It was dude. What a legend, dude.
It was easy to be a legend back then.
Oh, it was so easy to be a legend.
You could do anything.
We had these dumb high school pranks.
We'd take ketchup packets and we'd put them under the toilet seat.
So when somebody would go to sit down and shoot at the back of their legs.
Dude, now that I think about it, I would kill myself if that happened to me.
If I was at lunch or if I was trying to pee in between Spanish class,
I'm off of Vicodin and I get shot by Heinz 57 in the kneecaps.
I'm taking my own life.
Bro, there's nothing gayer for some reason than the back of your leg, dude.
When you walk into class and it feels like, do you, something like ketchup?
I'm like, I'm going to end it here.
But really, even when you just touch the back of your leg,
it feels like it just,
it feels like you could fuck it.
Yeah,
it feels like it's been
fucking meeting guys somewhere.
It's been waiting for it.
But like,
imagine like trying
to wipe that off.
Oh,
it feels like veal
kind of does,
doesn't it?
It does.
It feels more expensive.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
A little tender.
Yeah,
dude,
if you touch the back
of your legs,
man,
it just feels more expensive.
Yeah,
that's maybe what, that's the part that I think if I had a casket, the open casket that
had cremation, I'd have that down there. Like bone marrow type thing. Oh yeah, I like that,
like a dip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love that. If you're open casket, definitely chips and
everything around you. Yeah. Because you don't want people to have to come up and feel like
they can't stay and look at you. That's the thing that I did hate sometimes.
Like it was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket, but you felt like you only got like two seconds.
And then it wasn't cool of you.
And you had to go back and cry like by those chairs and stuff.
Because, yeah, some people you want to get back in line, you know.
Oh, that's true.
That's true.
I would maybe do like sunglasses or maybe maybe like i don't know yeah but def put a perk 30 on somebody if you go to their open casket
yeah i'll do something put it right on their lapel or something put it in dad's hand give him
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Bro, you know what the craziest in high school were those people that came and did like the anti-drug performances.
That or the DUI guy.
Do you have like a DUI guy?
Yeah, we had this dude maestro mac was his name right he he taught something on pornhub he taught something
at our school right and suddenly he showed up one day and he was just in like wrestling like you
like shorts or a unitard or something and he would uh he would say like karate my body
and then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand right and everybody's like
what like is this anti-drug because this makes me want to do coke yeah this makes me want to do
drugs dude the craziest part was too like one time um he uh he had like a bunch of wood or whatever, right?
That he was going to break, you know?
And the shop teacher would always get pissed because he'd be like, he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood.
He'd be like, we're fucking, we have nothing.
We're building out of mechanical pencils over here.
It's crazy.
It was crazy, bro.
Because the shop teacher, they would always steal like these wooden wooden parts by the baseball field that had advertisements on them.
And then you'd see birdhouses a month later, and they'd all have auto glass or something on the side of it.
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah, dude.
Made in Stockton.
But that dude, one time, Maestro Mac.
Yeah, we were like-
It was at like 9 a.m. too.
It was like you'd get to class, and they'd be like, oh, we're not doing class today. We were like, I like 9am too. It was like,
you'd get to class and they'd be like,
Oh,
we're not doing class today.
We're learning about an assembly.
Yeah.
We're doing assembly and it's about no drugs.
And this guy,
his wife would go out and light like two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym.
That's good.
And then he would like come running out in between them.
It was so bizarre.
And then like the finale one time he,
she was hitting him in the head with a broomstick
right right like right to break it across his head and she hit him like three times right
and it didn't break and everybody could see the cops start to kind of walk over a little bit like
the uh security guards and shit and um people started yelling one more time. This turns into WWE.
Dana White's in there like,
you better fuck him up, man.
So this is to prevent drugs?
Yeah, I guess.
And then she hit him three more times.
He was bleeding everywhere and then they shut it down.
Dude, the best drug prevention should just be
a guy who's really coked out trying to pitch you on
starting a podcast for like an hour
and he just doesn't stop talking to the whole auditorium.
So you don't get him at Bluetooth VPN plug talk.
And he just keeps going about it.
I would never do it.
Yeah.
We had a DUI one and they would make us put on these like goggles that made it feel like
you were drunk.
And then we get in a drive simulator.
I got pretty good at it because it just made me want to be like how good is this because
they had to test it somewhere i'm like they just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere or they're
sending out thomas who's hammered off a couple steel reserves go drive the bronco around the
block and see what you get into and so wait it was like an oculus type of thing so it was yeah
it looked like an oculus but it was like, look it up, Nick, like lab coat, like,
like plastic glasses.
But the vision,
it just looked like,
like maybe glasses that your dad would wear.
They're really thick.
Like,
but they were just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything.
So I remember like drunk driver simulator,
like goggles.
Yeah.
They just look like that,
but they like,
yeah,
they just made you see really blurry,
but it was like kind of fun
to do it like 9 a.m all the football players like this is how i drive to practice fatal vision
impairment goggles jesus the fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable lessons on topics like
impaired driving underage drinking and other substance abuse issues participants perform
simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles.
Performing the activities twice lets participants experience the performance while unimpaired
and then impaired.
Is this what you're talking about?
Yeah, it was like these.
Wow.
So yeah, it would show like how drunk you were.
So you would feel drunker the second time because the goggles just alter your kind of perception?
Yeah, so it kind of just looks like if you were
trying to think, like, it just looked
like you were looking at, like, really foggy glass almost.
Like a fun mirror type thing.
Yeah.
But, yeah, we would do this at, like, 9 a.m.
And a lot of times they would bring, like, a mangled up car
that was involved in an accident.
And they'd be like, this was the car so-and-so was in.
And then the guy's there to talk about it. I'm like, dude dude so you get a dui and now you get to tour the u.s
yeah doing like door deals with a high school
probably and they would always like have like somebody has spray painted like
like trank like trank lord or something on the car and there would be like a like a bloody
cheerleader like
hanging out of it like they always had that shit yeah they'd paint the story and then you just go
back to class after that it'd be like time to learn about meiosis when we just learn about a
guy who mangled a car with his best friend in it now it's a really weird thing to give high
schoolers at literally 9 a.m bro it, that was an unbelievable time for high schoolers
because it was really the time of day you had just woken up.
You hadn't been awake the first hour and a half.
You don't know what the fuck you were doing.
You were happy.
You were just making sure you were alive.
9 a.m., you kind of pipe up a little bit, and they take you there.
And then the guy's showing you like, yeah, his handle is like Trank Lord 5000.
You're like, we're supposed to follow this thing.
Yeah, I never really got the,
I don't know,
like it would make me just feel
really sad for the person
that lost their life.
But I don't know if it deterred me
from drinking and driving.
Yeah, like the mom would be there
and they'd be like,
Alejandro could have lived to be 20.
And you're like,
only 20?
That doesn't even make any sense.
Like they would have like,
he's still not even old enough to drink, dude.
He's getting plastered off wine coolers.
Sometimes the exchange rate, like the verbal exchange rate with the person who would come in was so awful.
It was so weird.
We had a guy, Officer Bob, and he was like the biggest cop they ever made, right?
Really?
Oh, they put him in the car.
And then I swear, I don't think he could get out of the car for like years.
Like he literally had to live in the cop car.
He was like that famous?
He was that big.
He was very big.
Oh, that big.
Okay.
And his weight had shut down.
Look up Covington, Louisiana, DARE officer, Bob, B-O-B.
And his weight had shut down even his win,
it like pushed.
Yeah, and he'd be like,
don't do drugs.
I love you guys.
And if he pulled you over for a ticket,
you had to walk back.
He just has license registration to the intercom.
Oh, it was known through town.
You had to walk back and get the ticket from him.
Yeah.
He just was too big.
He couldn't handle it.
This might have been before they had photography.
The internet.
Yeah.
Maybe just go to images.
Let's see.
That's so funny.
I like seeing a fat cop.
You know?
Yeah.
They're just going against society norms.
Yeah.
Like, I'll still catch them.
Do you ever see a cop just being a cop?
Like, living up to the stereotype
like at a donut shop
and you're like fuck yeah
yeah dude
live it up dude
yeah it is pretty respectable man
yeah why not
there's something nice about it
yeah we've seen so many great
like that's one cool thing
you see at the shows now
just with like watching the shows
making sure everything
after the show
you get to talk to the cops
and like we threw out this guy
we threw out
yeah
like some dude urinated
in a woman's hair
like thought it was a bathroom dude was wasted what city I'm like, we threw out this guy. We threw out. Like some dude urinated in a woman's hair.
Like thought it was a bathroom.
It was wasted.
What city?
I think it was Pueblo, Colorado.
Yeah.
That high altitude.
I can't even say it.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Some, you know, a child of a couple of, you know, a couple of gold miners or whatever.
And this dude is just splash scalping some bird.
And she said she sat there,
she didn't know what was going on
and then after a little while,
she's like,
what's happening?
Do you know,
uh,
people at Taylor Swift concerts,
there's some girls that wear a diaper
because they don't want to miss
any of the concert.
So they'll just pee themselves.
Yeah,
they're doing it.
Cause I mean,
tickets are so expensive.
Like a pee probably cost them
like $648 or something
Yeah it's 20 minutes of your time
Yeah
So you might as well just pee your pants on it
Honestly
Some Twitter Swift fans say
They're wearing adult diapers to a show
So they don't miss any songs
It totally makes sense
Especially these days
I think if anybody wears a diaper to my show
It's cause they're gonna shit themselves
From packing too many Zens
The amount of times I see vape smoke in my crowds,
I fucking love it.
Anybody that comes out to see me,
I'm like, I love you guys.
It's just so true to the content I put out.
It's so Native American.
These are shooting.
They're heckling with fucking smoke signals.
Pussy.
They just write F-A-G in the air with smoke heckling you by blowing oh this is so funny
that's hilarious bro yeah i i like getting recognized by cops it happens more like a lot
of cops watch my stuff which is weird i'm like when you guys have time to do this but like
it makes me feel good when they're like dude i, I love your stuff. Like I've had a cop be like shy.
Like, yeah.
What's it called?
Not Starstruck because I don't think it's like that,
but I think they're just like, oh shit, like nervous around me.
I'm like, you have a gun.
I should be nervous around you.
Don't study your words around me.
Hey, you have a gun.
I have a four loco advertisement.
Okay.
Hey, you made the Kyle videos, right?
You are in control of the bad people.
Use your gun.
Put me in handcuffs.
When was the last time you were in the back of a cop car?
Oh, my friend Billy and I, my buddy Billy Conforto, RIP, man.
He was famous, one of the most famous gay prize fighters.
Prize?
He just fought.
He was like one of the first gays that could really fight.
They didn't have it.
People would like call him a name and then get the shit beat out of you.
That's awesome.
So it was amazing, dude.
It was like, oh, this is different.
That'd be such a good dare.
Like if somebody didn't know, like, hey, go call him. Oh, it was great. One thing I remember when It was like, oh, this is different. That'd be such a good dare. If somebody didn't know, go call him.
Oh, it was great.
One thing I remember when I was young,
I always wanted friends that had something different about them.
One of my first friends was this guy, Douglas,
and he had a stutter and I'd never heard it.
And then Billy, the gay fighter,
and Douglas was like, don't call him a...
And then Billy would just knock someone out
if they did call him an an fag dude i wanted
to be different so bad growing up i told people i was colorblind yeah like i went my mom so bad
to put my doctor my mom took me to doctor and he's like pointing at something that's a yellow
and he's like what color is that i was like blue yeah just riffing i just wanted to be different
so bad oh i just yelled the n-word at a couple Mormons, dude. I'd be like, you don't believe I'm colorblind?
And I would just drop
it right on. Mormon?
Yeah, bro. Nazareth.
Hit him with that Nazareth I'm talking about.
Oh, that word. Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Bro, shout out to black Mormons.
Are there any black Mormons?
I think so.
We need more.
We need more, man.
We had a lot of Blanquies in our area growing up.
What's that?
Like black dudes that want to be white, you know?
Like the opposite of wiggas, you know?
Oh.
We had hella Blanquies, bro.
Okay.
What were we talking about? Oh big bod the our cop he just
like he yeah get on that loudspeaker like he just couldn't get he was so big do people have to
handcuff themselves to get in the car how do i do this he He's like, I go here, I go there, I go there. Look like Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, my, but me and Billy, so we got pulled over.
Billy had like a pound of weed on him.
So he, or in the car, so he picks it up, he puts it in his shirt, right?
They take us out of my car, put us in the cop car to search my car.
Oh, but he had the weed on him? He had the weed on him.
So now we're sitting in the cop car with the pound of weed on him.
And then they're like all clear. They put us back in the car. We
fucking drove off. Holy shit.
That was awesome. I wonder if anybody's ever got like
pulled over for like a parking ticket and put
like a pound of weed in their ass.
Just because they're scared.
Or like got pulled over.
You know how sometimes cops will clear the
highway just to like stop traffic?
I wonder if anybody's seen that and like out and put an eight ball in their ass.
Just start fucking slowly knuckling nugs up their hole.
They're putting just the OG Four Loko in there.
They're like, it's illegal now.
Moonshot.
There has to be a tragic story out there of somebody who they thought a cop would stop it.
Or maybe they weren't.
It could have been something else.
It was like apartment security
and he's like,
oh, fuck.
The guy's just jamming
eight ball of heroin up there.
A 12 sack of dirt weed
up his ass.
He sees mall security
and he's like,
oh, fuck.
It's just so crazy
to put something in your ass
that fast too.
And it's hard.
It's hard to do.
I love how people are like,
yeah,
just toss it in my ass.
I don't think I'd be able to talk okay to the cop.
No.
If I had fucking eight ball in my ass.
Oh, because you're just hoping that that plastic holds out or you're dead.
I mean, you're living life on the Vita Loco mode for about 10 seconds.
You're crushing it the second it breaks through.
But it is sensitive down there.
I mean, it goes straight into the bloodstream.
Did you,
um,
yeah,
they used to have like that thing,
Vajipan or whatever,
when people put LSD in their vagina.
I remember.
I feel like I've heard of that.
Vajip?
Vajipan.
A lot of chicks would do that.
Dude,
imagine eating a chick out while she does that.
She just turns into like a custard pie.
But like, imagine. What? that she just turns into like a custard pie but like imagine what time my friend said this girl yeah she just turns into a fucking well because the effect of the lsd goes to you and you just
forget what you're doing down there and you're just floating you just think you're kissing an
oyster at a beach or whatever
because romantic yeah you're at a fucking red lobster just slurping face with some oyster
am i a tatsu ramen right now have you uh ever done salvia uh wasn't that like gas station
dope kind of yeah you could just be 18 and up but like you would trip really hard yeah they sold it
like it was cigarettes like you could smoke it and you're in your like life is different for about
15 minutes yeah like the entire world you can literally just smoke this and go out into the
real world it's crazy salvia is part of the tribe mint menthe um
there's a really funny video i mean this guy does salvia and then he goes gardening
it's really it's like ogu2 it's hilarious uh yeah that guy that guy
five centimeters on each side and that plant's gonna smoke salvia in the Jurassic Garden.
It's kind of a long video, but...
Maybe speed it up a little bit.
It just falls over.
Maybe I was on salvia watching this, but...
Hold on.
The guy's now
laying on the ground, right? Kind of
quivering. The text goes,
want to see more Salvia
challenges.
What is this? Cardiac
arrest? That's not a Salvia
challenge. Yeah, no, you like
full-blown trip balls for 15 minutes
and they just sell it at a gas station.
That's crazy. You can just buy it.
Bro, it's crazy how the Food and Drug
Administration, can we just say that
they don't care about us? They don't care.
They do not care. They don't care about
us. You could buy this and
go to jury duty and just sit there.
Jury duty is fucking hilarious.
It's like a flight that never takes off.
You're just sitting there.
Man, I wish you could pick your cases.
I wish they had a menu like,
oh, here's the cases they're doing today.
Because then I could see if I want to pretend
like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it.
Oh, yeah.
You got to, yeah.
I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist.
What t-shirt are you wearing?
And last time they're like,
we have so many racists here today. We still-shirt are you wearing? And last time they're like, we have so many
racists here today. We still have to
ask you guys a couple questions.
We gotta filter through
see how racist you are.
Damn, man.
Dude, I got called to a jury and then
there was a bunch of people trying to give excuses.
You ever try to give an excuse?
Dude, people bomb.
I was like third up and this girl's like, I have a child and he's like, well, have you ever heard of a babys excuse? Uh-uh. Dude, people bomb. People, because I was like third up.
And this girl's like, uh, I have a child.
And he's like, well, have you ever heard of a babysitter?
And then the girl's like, uh, well, I, uh, next.
Then it gets to me.
This is when I first started touring.
I was like, I'm a touring comedian.
He believed it.
But like, I'm surprised he wasn't like, do a tight five right now.
Yeah.
Just terrifying.
It's intense, intense man i can't
believe jury duty is a real thing like we just go and grab a random group of a hundred of america's
dumbest people and be like hey sit in this room we're gonna use ten of you to solve this murder
it blows my mind well it's the craziest part about it is this bitch works works at a Leslie's pool supply and now they're fucking in charge of a murder?
Now they're trying to figure
out who killed Kennedy
right here.
They're trying to find the guy
after the Dane Cook concert
and some guy's like, I don't know
the difference between a cucumber and a pickle
and you want me to decide
on this jury? This is a
Fuddruckers manager. This is a fudruckers manager this is a fudruckers
manager yeah they shouldn't be putting somebody in jail blows my mind also um it seems lazy well
it's like it's seen it's like these days i think people can be so divided too politically that if
you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever, then immediately.
There should be a better pool to draw from.
Like every kid who was on the debate team in high school,
like pull from those fuckers.
Yeah.
Like we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile around town to be like,
I think he stabbed that bitch.
You did it,
sir.
You did it in behind the hotdog truck.
Yeah.
And now they even have the other day,
they caught an illegal alien on a fucking, the
guy didn't even speak English and they caught him on a jury.
It's like, what is even, this guy's coming to our country.
He doesn't eat.
And he's just telling if people are murdered, he can't even speak English.
Yeah.
He just does this.
Points.
He's fucking with them.
He's like, oh.
That's crazy.
And it's a jury. Like you could riff. Like you'd be like, I don't like this that's crazy and it's a jury
like you could riff
like you'd be like
I don't like this guy's outfit
let's send him in
yeah
it just blows my mind
that we're just crowdsourcing
if somebody's guilty or not
it's just
everything has gotten
pretty bananas man
it just seems lazy
on the government
to be like
we'll have society do it
or maybe it's fair
I don't know
I don't know anything
well the government's gotten
the government has gotten,
the government is out of business, really.
I mean, have you been around?
Working from home and shit.
Even the U.S. postal system.
It's like.
I was just talking about this. I get mail that's sent to my house.
It says, to Trevor Wallace or current resident.
Like, how desperate is that?
Like, for Trevor Wallace or fucking anybody.
Anybody who lives here. it's like sad like why you gotta be like if you want yeah it's almost male begging
you to open yeah and there's no good mail anymore and it's like all the mail is trash it's all
fucking just a bunch of smack on paper yeah they put those fake fucking credit cards in there
just like be like oh i think he's going to open it up.
The shitty part is there's a lot of Americans that are like,
I just got a new visa.
It's like, open now, urgent.
Get a credit card to fucking Mervyn. Credit shouldn't be urgent.
That is my money.
Yeah, open.
Do not bend.
I hate, all mail is bullshit.
Do not bend.
It's paper.
Yeah. I got to go to the you it's paper? Yeah, I
Got a bit got to a bathroom. You do. Yeah. Yeah hit it up man. Easy. Yeah
It's inside Next time we should put ketchup on either see
Well, there is nothing real gay in the back of your legs, huh?
Just like imagine this you got a shit real bad at school. You just ate a honey bun.
Fuck!
That's so crazy.
You can't really deal with it at the moment
because you yourself
is just shitting.
Yeah.
You're like,
what do I wipe first
my legs from my ass?
Dude, I wonder if,
one thing about a coffin
you don't see much
is somebody face down
in a coffin.
That's so funny.
Lying on their hands
like that, maybe.
Yeah, that's funny. That seems more peaceful, Lying on their hands like that. Yeah. Yeah.
That's funny.
That seems more peaceful.
Honestly.
Yeah.
It's really true, huh?
Like who the, who lies like that in a call?
Yeah.
I'm a side sleeper, honestly.
So maybe, maybe I just turn the casket vertical.
Yeah.
Side in a coffin would be kind of nice looking over at somebody.
Yeah.
And even one of your hands up like this is.
Dude.
What if he did one of these?
Like you could like a selfie opportunity, like the wax museum.
Yeah.
Maybe a sleep mask would be kind of cool.
But that's unbelievable that that charted said now it's 76 percent of people are cremated.
But that's unbelievable.
It was four percent in 1960.
Did they have that technology back then?
That had to be a hard pitch.
Like the first guy to do cremation.
Yeah.
We could just burn the motherfucker.
What?
I don't know.
I'm just spitballing.
I'm not.
Think about the future, dude.
I'm not saying Satan's winning, but.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We could just fucking torch the guy.
That seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell is just by doing cremation.
Yeah.
You know, it just seems, I don't know.
Yeah.
You know, like, well, I think it also used to, well, also used to have all like the mummies
and like they would mummify people.
They would bury them.
One of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things you needed
to get to the next life.
Like sometimes I think that could be one of the reasons
why like we're stalling out here as a society
because we're not even burying people.
First of all, we're burning people up.
There's no way God looks down and is like, chill.
Hell yeah.
Good.
Nice.
Well, they're burning.
Right next to the wood fire pizzas.
Yeah.
Dude, imagine if you went to a funeral where somebody's cremated and then went to a wood burning pizza oven after.
Dude, that would be a really good two for one.
Yeah.
Like burn your dad, get some barbecue chicken pizza.
I don't know.
The whole thought of it freaks me out.
It's so weird.
Oh, it's so weird.
One thing to me that's interesting was I think we used to prepare people literally like they would prepare people.
They would bury them with different – can you look it up?
That is true, yeah, because they'd find a lot of people buried either with their cat or like – first of all, my cow would be so pissed down there.
Yeah, stuff they needed for the afterlife.
Yeah, wow.
What are you bringing?
Yeah, bring up people burying people with afterlife stuff.
The ancient Egyptians' tomb was supplied with items the deceased would need in the afterlife,
food, household goods, and the body itself.
Often the supplies provided were also duplicated in other forms.
Food and furniture, for example, were painted or carved into the banquet scenes on the tomb walls.
But yeah, they needed you to get to the afterlife.
So I think then a lot more people were actually
making it through to the afterlife.
Now, we're not even burying people
with shit so that it's fucking stalling them back out.
It's like Burning Man. It's like you didn't bring anything.
You're not going to the next life.
So the spirit just gets kicked back here.
And that's why everybody gets born like,
oh, this guy's dumb as fuck because
he just stalled out here. It's like we're almost like
It's a giant potluck.
You didn't bring anything?
They just send you right back.
Yeah, I think that's
one of the problems.
Our spirits are stalled out
because we're not
we're not getting
the right tools to get
What do you think
you would bring?
It's like Zelda
Breath of the Wild.
I'd bring that thing
that like lets you
like when you jump off
of something
it like lets you glide
kind of.
Oh yeah?
I thought you meant
one of those pull-up bars
you put on a door frame.
Dude, if you're a chick and you go to a guy's house
and he has a pull-up bar on the door frame,
girl, you better wrap up
because his wife is going to be home soon.
Let's just say he's a Theta Chi.
Okay? Let's be real factual about that.
Yeah, I think I probably... Yeah, nose, nose, nose.
No girl sees that and is like,
oh, fuck yeah.
You can't afford a planet fitness membership
dude every
place I go perform for colleges
like apparently the frat or whatever
that like is roofing everybody
is always pike I feel like
our neighbors in the frat
at college were pike and that was a whole
like stereotype they got kicked off
campus my first semester there
and then they just come to our parties.
Like, dog, no.
Yeah, bro.
Yeah.
They're notorious for it.
Yeah, it is.
For just really having a blast.
I'm doing a college gig this week, actually.
You are?
St. Louis.
Mizzou?
Mizzou?
No, I'm flying into St. Louis, but they're always far.
It's in Rollo.
It might be University of Missouri.
It's in Rollo?
Can you look up what's in Mizzou? It's not on my website. The great part, you don't have to promote these college shows. Oh, yeah. It's in Rollo. It might be University of Missouri. It's in Rollo? Can you look up what's in Mizzou?
It's not on my website.
The great part, you don't have to promote these college shows.
Oh, yeah.
That's nice.
Can you just type in Rollo University?
Dude, I don't know anything.
Yeah, that's it.
R-O-L-L-O.
I think it's an O.
R-O-L-L-O.
I don't know.
But, yeah, I will say the front row is just all just frat guys yelling.
Yeah. I did a, you know, Sean Evans all just frat guys yelling. Yeah.
I did a, you know, Sean Evans from Hot Ones, yeah?
Yeah.
I did a Hot Ones live at a college with him, me and him.
It was so fun.
But all these frat guys were in the crowd.
Put on more sauce, pussy!
Am I getting heckled while crying eating chicken wings?
Frat guys are the best people ever.
Oh, dude.
They're just walking exclamation points.
People are like
Yeah like we were out the other night
And those guys
Like recording
One guy would be recording
One guy would show someone his phone
And it would be like
Upper deck is in
Or fuck your dad
Or something like that
Yeah
And then the other guys recording
You still have to give your answer
Oh the street interviews
Yeah
Those guys spawn out of nowhere
You can be anywhere
And a guy will pop up
Be like
Yo gay son or thought daughter
What do you
What would you rather have?
I'm like, dog, we're not fucking Barnes and Noble, dude.
How did you get in here?
You just pop out of nowhere.
That's content now.
Yeah.
Content is surprise content.
Oh, bro.
That's one thing that I haven't been like, I don't like that ambush style shit.
Yeah, it's shocking, dude.
And I don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're talking to somebody, like if it's at an event or something like that, that somebody could be recording it.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
I mean, where was I?
It's too scary, because if you don't know, I never even know what I'm saying half the time.
So I'm like, I'm.
Dude, I was in New York and some guy tapped me on the shoulder.
I had headphones and sunglasses on and he tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and he goes, with the camera.
He had a camera guy and a mic.
And he goes, when was the last time you cried?
Like, bro.
Huh?
I'm walking in a park by myself probably pretty soon.
We're not far from it.
But I had to ask the guy after.
I was like, like I started to riff with him.
I was like, dude, I don't know who this guy is.
Like, can we, I was like, can you actually just delete it?
He's like, no, for sure.
And I was like, no, like, let me watch you delete it.
It was very weird.
Yeah.
This pop-up shit.
And you're such a recognizable guy.
It probably happens to you all the time.
I see clips of it.
Yeah, I start seeing shit that I can't even,
I'm like, oh, that was recorded, that was a thing.
It really gets kind of,
it gets kind of, I don't want to say scary,
it's kind of, it's crazy.
Some of it's invasive.
Well, yeah, and that's the thing.
You don't know now if somebody just whispers something to you like that,
if somebody's in the distance recording it.
So you could say something, even if you think it's just between friends or something,
and then they can burn you up on something, you know?
Yeah, dude, I'll see you like, I mean, dude, you're like walking through like a minor league,
like baseball dugouts.
It was like, Theo Vaughn!
How big's your cock?
And now you're just all over TikTok and Reddit because you gave a thumbs up.
Like anything you do, people are like, don't flip.
Yeah, some girl the other day, she's driving by in her car.
I guess she drove by and then she came back around real slow.
And she's like, what's up, Theo?
And I was like, let me see that puss.
Yeah.
I just hit her right in the head.
But that's what they want, dude.
But that's what you need.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what people want to see.
They want to see that somebody drove by.
They want that outlandish Theo clip. And you said, let me see that puss, which is what people want to see. They want to see that somebody drove by. They want that outlandish Theo clip.
And you said, let me see that puss, which is what you're thinking anyway.
You're just like a walking NFT.
Like, if anybody gets footage of you being you, they now have a prized possession of, like, Theo yelling, let me see that puss.
Yeah, shit gets weird, man.
It's crazy.
Dude, we went to, oh, you know what we did that was so awesome?
We went to, Caitlin Clark broke the, oh, Louisiana. Or no not louisiana indianapolis uh oh fuck i'm gonna show iowa
but indianapolis isn't far off but she broke um it'll be on the same tour schedule the women's
scoring record oh you were there for that bro we went did the how did the crowd go when she
like broke it was it was crazy oh it was good me and and Caleb Presley went. Bro, yeah, he's so funny, man.
What a neat guy.
Yeah, we went, bro.
We literally had a blast, man.
I mean, we just showed up, and her boyfriend, Connor McCaffrey,
is her boyfriend, and his brother Patrick, and we got to sit with them.
Did you be at everywhere?
You were just at events.
Well, this was cool, man.
I never got to see.
I mean, it was just watching her play is just really like it's a vibe.
The whole team, man.
Hannah Stolke, they got a bunch of like.
It's fun.
It was just really interesting.
And you're watching, and it's like the energy is hype.
I haven't been to a lot of, I guess, women's basketball games.
A lot of times you think like, oh man, you know, but this shit was hype, bro.
Yeah, dude.
I saw a Duke game and like how packed in their stadium is.
And like that energy was fucking awesome.
Here's a shot right here that did it broke the record.
Oh.
Gang, bro.
What a banger.
Yeah.
I'm immediately shotgun in a Bud Light.
Bro, she's a fricking. And that a Bud Light. Bro, she's a freaking...
And that was from downtown.
Oh, she's a sniper.
Logo 3.
That's what she says.
She threw it up.
That's what they run it as.
Really?
She just popped off.
That was to break the record.
She's out there.
Oh, in Iowa?
No, all-time points for women in NCAA.
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, it was all-time points for women in NCAA.
She also hit 1,000 assists that game.
Wow.
How many points was that?
I think she said 36-something.
30-something.
How much points did she have?
She's at 35-69.
And she had 49 that game.
Holy shit.
Yeah, it was her highest ever.
She had 23 in the first quarter.
We were like, bro, you feel like you are incapable.
We were like, God.
Yeah. Dude, that's awesome. But. We were like, God. Yeah.
Dude, that's awesome.
But that was pretty sick, man.
That was probably one of the neater things that I've done in the past year.
That's great, man.
That was just pretty cool.
You've been to any cool events?
Did you go to Super Bowl?
I was there Super Bowl week.
I got to open the Bert and Tom show in Vegas.
My first arena.
That was awesome.
Dude, yeah.
What was that like?
It was surreal.
It's a different ball game.
It was surreal so
pretty much i got asked to do his golf tournament out there and then i booked my own show just had
wise guys do some like work on some new shit and then um me and tom are repped at the same agency
yeah you're there too and just kind of put a feeler out there like hey trevor's gonna be there
if you guys you know he just wants to watch the show then they're like yeah would he be down to
cold open it and i was like fuck yeah and at first they're like do five minutes now i'm like just
five minutes is so hard because you're like what five minutes are people going to get to know me on
and then like do seven i was like all right great and then like do 10 and then i'm just like great
now i have like an actual opportunity to do some bits in this yeah and you're like you're realizing
oh these guys are too drunk to go to work right now. Yeah. Dude, they're standing.
Okay.
They're like, bird is somewhere relapsing.
A fucking six milligram Zin Bender.
He's too busy blasting Bon Jovi with his tits out.
But it was fucking, I was so nervous.
It was 13,000 people.
No way.
Yeah.
I mean, it's fucking, it's insane.
And there was cold open.
And so it was just like all the lights were on.
And then the lights were on. Well, they, when, right before they announced me, they it's just like all the lights were on and then
the lights were on well they when right before they announced me they're like all right lights
were on they cut black and then they go trevor wallace like there was no like show begin it it
just like you know i've been cold open somebody so hard so long yeah bro i wrote one time i did
a show rogan invited me to do a show with him and andrew santino and it was in atlanta and um i was
there just working the club or something he's like you want to jump on my show i was like sure we're
standing backstage talking i had no idea i was going on first literally they announced out there
you go i walk out there bro it was a couple thousand people so scared couldn't fucking talk
didn't know some of my bits in this one where people were sitting down so nervous oh i was so
nervous because like obviously i've done stand up thousands of times but like 10 minutes in front of
it's impossible and the lineup is me bobby shane tom birch and i'm like i don't because as the
first comic if you kind of suck you might steer the show in a weird direction you know i have the
set in my head and i'm like yeah yeah, this is, here we go.
We're just going to do it.
And then I'm just like nervous.
I get really like quiet before shows.
I don't know.
And then like you're in the green room.
It's fucking like, I mean, Guy Fieri's back there.
Jimmy Kimmel's back there.
And you're just like, all of these people are going to watch.
Yeah.
But luckily when they announced my name, like a good amount of the crowd,
it felt like they knew or was at least aware of me.
And then I took the wrong way to get on the stage.
I'm fucking panicking.
So I'm like, let me just – there's nothing worse.
The first time I did the Comedy Store, same thing.
I went the wrong route.
You're opening under the Comedy Store sign.
You just look like an idiot.
Yeah.
So I just went and got a joke out as quick as possible.
It actually was – I think it was as good as it could have been for what it was.
It wasn't like standing ovation worthy, but I thought it was a great cold open and burned Tom.
Said nice things out there.
Oh, it's amazing, dude.
To get to do that show.
I'm freaking jealous, man.
To get to do that is amazing.
Yeah, so I was in Super Bowl, but I didn't stay for Super Bowl.
Were you at the game?
No, I didn't go, man.
I felt like it was going to be, I don't know if I wanted to be around so much.
Sometimes there's so much going on at those things it's like everybody's trying to make
videos it just feels kind of like overwhelming you know it's not even about the game it feels
like like everybody was totally we're at uh this lunch spot and lebron walks by and you're like oh
lebron's here anybody give a shit about me yeah it was nuts guy uh what's his name gordon ramsey
was at the same bottle service because i
was with sean and we went out to this club and gordon ramsay just had a table and they're like
why am i ever at the same table as gordon ramsay yeah so bizarre oh dude i went to bobby kennedy's
birthday dinner yeah i mean it's just it's all just crazy the shit you end up in and as weird
as the world gets now it's like the shit that's going on is even getting weird.
So it's like it was me, my friend Aaron, Bobby Kennedy, his wife, John Stockton, and Mel Gibson.
Just crazy.
Just fucking crazy.
In what world are we all together and for why?
Yeah, and what problem are we supposed to solve?
Yeah.
we all together and for why yeah and what problem are we supposed to solve yeah like we had no like it was but just crazy sitting there just eating dessert just talking to mel gibson that's john
stockton yeah one of the i think he was an all-time assist leader i don't know if he still is or not
you ever met anybody that you were nervous by yeah i think some of that goes away over time
though because you just get used to meeting people
who are popular yeah for me still it's any decent looking woman okay yeah yeah yeah you uh with hot
chicks in interviews are always funny oh it's fucking hard anytime you do a hot chick on the pod
i feel like you turn it so shy you're it's hard. You ever had a pudding before?
She's like,
what?
Like,
we could just cut to the ads.
You're like,
bring in a casserole right now.
Yeah.
50,000 bonus points.
The comments are so funny because they're always just like,
you can tell how nervous Theo is
when a hot chick's on.
I know.
We got to get some more cool chicks in,
man.
Dude,
they're out there.
I know.
We got to get some neat in. I want to get some fucking eseitas, you know? cool chicks in, man. Dude, they're out there. I know. We got to get some neat in.
I want to get some fucking eseitas, you know?
Some latinas, man.
Oh, yeah.
You should do...
We want to get peso pluma.
Oh, he'd be awesome.
I sent a DM to El Chapo's wife, dude.
Fuck.
You should not be doing that, dude.
Yeah, bro.
It was...
I didn't know.
I thought El Chapo was despacito or something.
What is it called?
Not alive?
Decapitated?
No, I think.
Muerto.
I thought.
Doesn't that mean Wednesday?
Okay.
What is it, Nick?
Muerto is death.
Okay.
I thought he was.
Yeah, death.
I thought he was death and I thought.
El Chapo? Yeah. And I thought his wife, yeah, death. I thought he was death and I thought, um, El Chapo.
Yeah.
And I thought his wife had been in prison.
So I was like, I, I just heard her knuckle.
She's got a prison.
I was like, Oh, I'm going to say what's up.
Yeah.
You know, I'm going to fricking slide and see if I can get her on the pod.
You know, I guess I, I don't know.
It's crazy to get out of prison and immediately get a, you'd be like, yo, trying to hop on
the pod.
You should do a gypsy Rose.
We hit her up, but, um, because everybody kept tagging us in some story,
like, get Gypsy Rose.
And we hit her up, but she didn't reply back.
But I think she just played in,
didn't she just play in like NBA All-Star Weekend or something?
Did she really?
I thought she did.
Dude, they'd be putting everybody in that fucking game.
They'd put anybody in that game.
It's just like Jack Harlow guarding up on Gypsy Rose.
Yeah, dude.
That shit is crazy, bro.
Yeah, it's like
the Easter Bunny fucking guarding
Kid Leroy or whatever.
You're like, what's going on?
Kid rocks the rep, dude.
He's just blowing a crack pipe
instead of a whistle.
I want smoke cracks so bad.
Bro.
It looks warm.
Well, one of the best things about it
I've heard is that uh you can
stay up and get things done i feel that so much because coke it's just sometimes it's too erratic
get things done but crack this so you can actually get some things done um the my pillow guy michael
not sure of his name mike lindell mike lindell he has a book that i read and it's about his crack
addiction oh wow and how he held onto his brand
the whole time.
He was, he kept, he was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night and gamble.
He was like counting cards and he'd make just enough money to keep his, uh, his pillow obsession
going.
Yeah.
So he made a pillow company while cracked out.
So he made something to sleep while he was never sleeping.
It's fucking genius.
If you think about it, he's like, somebody's like, how does it feel? He's never sleeping. It's fucking genius if you think about it.
Somebody's like, how does it feel? He's like, I have no idea.
I've never tried it.
That's just where I hide my cocaine on flights.
That's crazy to be
addicted to crack and make a pillow.
That's hilarious.
It is, bro.
We should have him on just to hear about that story.
I know some people have like
or, you know, people get I like when business owners have like a about that story. I know some people have like, or, you know, people get.
I like when business owners have like a good origin story.
Like I know people who used to be really addicted to heroin and now they have their own company.
It's like, I feel like they fought through so much.
Like I trust their business more almost.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, a lot of addicts, you know, they're really capable.
They just got caught up, you know, doing the wrong thing.
Yeah.
Because people can get addicted to work and working well also, you yeah i feel like i have some of that do you feel like that
yeah for sure you do i think you have some of that even if when we talk about it you're always
a little bit dialed in like what do i want to do yeah you're always thinking like how can i
challenge myself yeah it's weird sometimes i'm like editing on like a saturday night i'm like
what the fuck am i doing my life yeah why am i not like a rodeo or like a buffalo wild wings i don't know have you
been to a rodeo i don't maybe as a child bro it is one of the funnest things it's so much fun it
looks awesome take a date go to the rodeo uh it's the best it's the best event that i've been to in
the past couple years i can't wait to go again, man. Do they serve food there?
Yeah, they got food.
They got like hot dogs and soda, stuff like that. And what is the main event?
They don't have salmon or anything, but the main event,
well, the best things about it are they sometimes,
they have the clowns out there in the barrels.
They got that shit going on.
They have like the, where the people ride the horse down and cut a barrel cutting.
Is it,
um,
barrel racing and they go around and like,
they have to cut around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback.
So you're like trying to just,
you turn a fucking horse,
you know?
So that's pretty gangster.
Um,
list of events,
bareback riding.
Whoa.
Uh,
Broncos.
A few things. Yeah. Sad, Broncos, a few things.
Yeah.
Saddle,
Bronco riding,
steer wrestling.
Um,
and then they do this one thing where like,
they'll put the kids on like a little sheep or something and let it,
the sheep run out. And there's just some kid just fucking,
you know,
they literally tied the kid onto the sheep and he's just,
and then he'll fall right into the dirt every time. Um but it's just a it just feels like americana and it
feels like everybody's having a blast everybody's in for the same goal you know look at that yeah
he's fucking reverse on that yeah that's a bold move dude that's like when me and my brother were
kids we used to like if one of us had to like use the toilet and the other one did at the same time,
the first one would get on and, like, face the back of the tank.
And the second one would sit, like, back to back against him.
Like the Hurley logo?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, like the Hurley logo.
That's so funny.
Yeah, I remember that.
And it feels hella gay, too, dude.
If you're, like, straining your body and you can feel the other person straining their body, you know?
Oh yeah, the tensing?
Yeah, so that was uncomfortable.
Just get up and beat his ass.
What the fuck did I just feel
on my spinal cord?
I'm gonna wipe my ass and beat yours, you know?
But that was always,
when you had to ride on the back of it,
so when you were like hugging that tank,
it always felt fucking crazy.
Yeah, I didn't have an older brother.
I just had a sister.
So I missed out on all those older brother memories.
We just beat each other's ass for no reason.
Yeah, dude.
Having a brother, I think it's pretty amazing.
Because there's just, you get another layer of the world, you know?
Yeah, like that.
But this dude's off to the side like fucking.
Yeah, he's nerve.
He's nerve he's
nerve like a gay dude on a horseback or something that's the gayest thing you can do is if you ride
both legs off to the side you just hop off whenever you want that's true this is my stop
and they just hop off it's kind of cool dude in africa i was in kenya and they have like these
taxis but you basically just get get on where the taxis just have like, it's basically a Volkswagen van.
Yeah.
And they've taken like slogans from like American rap and they've fucked them up.
And they have them written all over the windows, you know, like bust these N words or something, you know, just shit doesn't make it, you know, it's like, show that pussy bitch or whatever.
Yeah.
And it's just written in these weird fonts.
And that's a taxi?
And you just get on. You don't even know where it's going. It just keeps driving. You're like, and it's just written in these weird fonts. And that's a taxi? And it's a, you just get on,
you don't even know
where it's going.
It just keeps driving.
You're like,
anywhere's better than here.
That's it.
And there'll be,
literally be 12 people
inside of it.
Really?
Yeah.
And it'll just have like,
we ready on the back.
Just all kind of like,
just kind of urban slang,
you know?
Yeah.
Have you ever been in Japan?
I want to, the, the, the subways look intense or everybody's just packed up in that bitch the japanese it's so
clean over there i hear yeah i feel like if you sneeze you get shot i yeah they're so clean you
ever been or no yeah i've been i just don't remember it that good. But I do remember it was like a homestay or something.
I was doing this thing called Semester at Sea.
Okay.
And it was like a homestay, so you would go and just stay with the family.
I was just talking about this the other day with Trevor Bauer, and he was on here.
But it was like the family lets you stay with them.
It was a Japanese family, so you literally just showed up on their door at a certain time,
and you just stayed there for a couple of nights. And do they pick you or you pick them, or it's just like random? There was some program family so you literally just showed up on their door at a certain time and you had and you just stayed there for a couple of nights and do they pick you or you
pick them or it's just like random there was some program that linked you up yeah and so then i
showed up and we don't know what to say so we're all just keep standing around doing that and then
uh we ate like on the we sat on the floor and ate yeah and then they let me sleep in their room
there's only like three little rooms really And I don't know, they might
have slept like in the wall or something like, and I slept on like a, like a thatched mat or
something. There's no like real bedding. It's just like a little, you sleep. Okay. Yeah. I think I
was fine. And then, Oh, one thing I remember I would hug, I gave the mom a hug and a kiss on
the cheek when I met her just as like, just where I'm from is pretty normal. So the next two days,
she kept having
her friends come over and right when they come in the door she'd go like this you know because
she wanted me to hug him and get like she's pimping you out yeah they just didn't do she's
charging money come kiss the american boy you should have no idea so that was kind of that
was just kind of a vibe i guess he worked in the red light district yeah i might have yeah
yeah that was the worst thing about the red light district was that it was so cold once you got there was no emotion you're like
oh there's no emotion small talk was interesting it's just fast they want you to bust and get back
out on the street i was nervous i was probably about 60 percent chubb because it's hard to be
like oh yeah there's no emotion it's like weird there's talk. There's jizz still drying from the last guy.
It felt like a doctor's office that they want you to come real fast at.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, there's like a guy high-fiving me on the way in.
I'm like, oh, gross.
You know?
And then there's shirts.
Mine had merch or something when you were leaving.
Yeah.
Damn.
I should start doing that.
Look up that Red Light District merch.
Yeah, but.
See if they have any cardigans or whatever from the Red Light District.
Yeah, so you can't take photos while you're walking through because, you know, it's very private.
A lot of people don't want it to get back to their families.
But you think about something with like the Ray-Ban Metaglasses.
Have you seen those?
They record and they just look like normal glasses.
So you could just be in there and nobody would know?
You could be anywhere.
Wow.
Bro, you could be fucking at a matinee.
Remember how mad movies used to get?
They'd be like, hey, don't record this shit.
Shut the fuck up.
Now that's the only thing companies want you to do.
Is record their shit.
Record it and then post it.
It's like, oh, cool.
We have a movie.
Screenshot it and put it on TikTok.
Yeah.
So dude, you could just wear that and walk around.
But if you take a phone, they like yell, they start banging on the windows.
Like, don't put the fucking phone away.
That's crazy.
So this is recording stuff. glasses they're showing really good
have you tried the new thing that people are doing with the um the apple vision yeah yeah i tried
them no way yeah i tried apple vision pros they're pretty cool i borrowed them from a friend i don't
know the benefit of it it's just like rich people to get away from their families i think burt would
love these yeah i know but you just put them on and then you can like you
just it's not full vr it's augmented reality i guess so any screen like if you had youtube screen
you could make it as big or as small as you want it which i kind of know the benefit is yeah but
you can like scroll twitter over here and like watch oh yeah i made a video on it oh but it's
all happening in front of you yeah but you can play can play shit around you. So there's, yeah.
So go there.
So like, that's what it looks like.
Like the joke in this is I'm playing like Subway Surfer while she's talking to me.
And that's real.
So you could be talking to someone in front of you.
Yeah.
And be playing, have a window open somehow virtually between you guys that you see through
the eye.
You could be on a date with a girl and realistically be watching a Theo Vaughn podcast.
Wow.
So it's, I don't,
I don't know the,
the,
the benefit of it is like,
if you just want to,
I don't really know,
like sit on your couch and not have a TV.
Like the joke in this at the very end of the video I do is the guy lives in a
studio apartment by himself and he's so lonely and he's like,
I have everything I ever wanted,
a TV,
a kitchen,
a hot wife,
and just by himself.
So I think it's,
it's great if you're lonely.
But I don't know the full appeal of it quite yet.
Yeah, that's the thing.
It's like, this looks like I'd rather just use my computer.
You also look insane.
You look like you should be in the Salem Witch Trials.
I can't believe that was real. You accuse somebody of being a witch and they're like to the lake.
Oh,
this,
but there's a,
yeah.
Can you imagine that?
Like if you were a witch,
the Salem witch trials,
bring these,
what happened to these bitches?
Well,
we got to know,
man,
the Salem witch trials occurred in colonial Massachusetts.
Well,
shout out.
Amherst bra is just there.
This is what happened. Um, yeah out Amherst, bro. It was just there. This is what happened?
Yeah, probably by UMass.
Between early 1692 and mid-1693.
So, bro, this was a short, this was a year and a half.
More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft.
Yeah, probably all Geminis too.
Only 20 were executed.
So 10% out of the 200.
I wonder what made them think that they really were.
That's a great question.
Yeah, can you see what determined if a witch was killed
during the Salem Witch Trials?
And witches are fake, right?
So those 20 got got, and they weren't witches, right?
Well, I think there was also some people at that time
that was witching.
Oh.
I would guess, you know.
Yeah.
Because somebody's going to fucking witch if you're chilling that much.
There's nothing to do. Yeah, that is true. It's a good
side hustle. Most accusers
were teenage girls, mostly
populated by Puritan. Salem Village was
it was virtually impossible
to disprove charges of witchcraft in Salem
and defendants were convicted with no evidence
other than personal accusations.
Wow. The presence of a devil's
mark on their bodies.
And that's where the jury duty came from.
The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies.
So that's if you had like a birthmark.
Damn.
Fuck.
I'd been God.
I got a birthmark right here.
Drew Brees would have been out.
What were some of the tests?
Does it say?
So unfair.
Which swimming was a practice of tying up and dunking the accused into a body
of water to determine whether they sink or
float. Sinking
to the bottom indicated the accused was innocent
while floating indicated a guilty
verdict. Aren't you, if you're a little larger
and you float more?
Yeah, so a thin
lady
wasn't a witch.
Right. Anybody who might have been plus side
was a floating, indicated
guilt. Sam witch.
Dude, that's crazy
though. So you just, man,
that would be the worst because it's basically being the dunk
tank or whatever. Yeah, I don't like, like, how
would you make yourself sink if you were a witch?
We just hold your breath. I would
swim down to the bottom too. I'm sure
you're like back there about to go out
and they're like, hey, do you have any tips or whatever?
Nervous, yeah.
People are like, yeah, I'm nervous, dude.
You're swimming at the bottom.
Yeah, how long do you have to be at the bottom
before you're indicated that you're innocent?
And then even if you're innocent, you come back up.
During the Salem witch trials in 1692 and 1693,
there were several tests used to determine
if someone was a witch.
The touch test, the afflicted person, someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft,
would convulse or exhibit symptoms in the presence of the accused.
If the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching the accused,
it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft.
Wow.
Dude, the saddest one is number six, just confession.
Fucking, I'm a witch.
That's just somebody who's just like, I'm done with this planet.
Wow, confession.
Many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to witchcraft.
That's kind of sad.
Physical examination for witches' marks.
Number five, the accused would be searched for supposed physical marks
believed to be signs of witchcraft, such as moles, birthmarks, or scars.
Dude, what if you just have a mole on your back,
and they're like, this is a freaking chocolate chip of hell.
Yeah, it's witchcraft.
That's the devil trying to communicate with us.
You're a mole.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Damn.
That would just be so tough
because then you always have to decide.
I bet for that year and a half,
people were acting like they're not witches.
Not a witch, yeah.
Like, you can't even sneeze.
You can't blow out candles.
Like, imagine it's your birthday and they blow these candles you're out
Yeah, I can't do that. You see a broom you have to be like, oh, what is that? Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, why don't I beat my husband in the head with it? Huh? Why don't I beat my astro man?
Wait people use these to fly. What the fuck? He was like don't do drugs
And people like God, God, he's bleeding.
Those school assemblies.
It's just on set like WWE.
Like, it just makes you want to wrestle or do drugs.
It was such a crazy time to see everybody, too, because nothing.
The first one we ever had, I remember in junior high, in middle school,
kids were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom.
It was old school heaters and it would steam up the bathroom.
Like a sauna?
Yes.
You couldn't even like walk it.
Like you couldn't see.
Just piss vape?
Oh, piss vape, dude.
So people were just making it, just making it fucking steam up in there.
That's horrendous.
And then you'd see some dude in there with his shirt off.
You're like, what the fuck?
The kind of things that are Equinox?
This trank addict doing.
But that was kind of crazy.
But then as you got into junior high or high school too,
the assemblies were just,
because you got to sit with your boys
and see your boys outside of class and shit.
It was fun.
It was so fun.
Did you guys have talent shows and stuff like that?
I don't think we did.
Oh, we had talent shows, dude.
Did you ever sign up?
I got to host it one time with my friend Rebecca.
Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
And yeah, this girl played piano in it one time and I'd never heard a girl play piano
before and she sang, bro.
She's a fucking witch.
Yeah, we fucking cooked her the next day.
I was like, that bitch is going to sink.
That sounds like a ringtone.
Fry her ass.
Damn.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know if we ever had a, that was the only assembly we had was that.
I don't think we had other ones.
Pep rallies were pretty wild.
Pep rallies.
What was that?
Just to get fired up on the school?
Yeah.
It's like 4th of July for your school.
It was like, we're going to win.
And we never won, dude.
People were like, are we going to win?
That was even like the most hopeful sign that somebody would make.
Are we going to win?
If you have to have the prep rally, you're not going to win.
Your school's already filled with losers.
We need to cheer ourselves up.
Yeah, we might not win some of the signs.
Yeah, Buff School's never had those rallies.
Oh, bro, our school was, we could not win shit, dude science. Yeah, buff schools never had those rallies. Oh, bro.
Our school was, we could not win shit, dude.
We guys go to any sports.
Our school's like really good at tennis and swimming.
You know, white people. Oh, really?
That's hella white.
We had ROTC, like the wooden gun gang or whatever.
Oh, those were great.
Those dudes that would like, yeah, the guy would flash his wooden gun during school or
whatever.
You're like, what the fuck are you doing?
He'd be like, you gonna finish that blueberry muffin?
You're like, yeah. And he's like, what about now?
He has two splinters on his hand.
Dude, then the kids from Woodshop come up and back you up.
Leave him alone.
Leave him alone, Corbin.
Put the cookies down.
Those kids were crazy, but that was kind of fun.
If you took Woodshop in high school, you were a stoner.
You either made a birdhouse
or you made a bong. That was it.
You're like, I made a fucking pipe or something yeah some dude somebody's always
trying to make their sister like a little um table or something or there's always something
real sad going on in there yeah like a sparrow a box for uh yeah there's woodshop bombs right there
yeah dude wish i was just like a stoner's dream. You just do nothing all day except labor work.
And you're like, I fucking love this class.
And the crazy part was the saws were always going to,
nobody could hear anybody in the class.
The teacher's giving instructions, but nobody can hear.
What a waste of a class, but in the best way.
I don't know if I talked about this before, but I had to.
We had this science teacher in 11th grade,
and I think he got fired because he would stare at these girls' tits.
He would sit this girl in the front row.
I think I talked about this maybe on here before.
He'd sit this girl in the front row, and we would count
because it was a hot chick, and me and my friend next to her,
we'd count every time we'd look at her tits.
Crazy, dude.
Like blatant.
And you got a support guy. Whose team were you on?
I was just
I was there for a good game
yeah
you know it's like
two teams in the Super Bowl
you don't care about
but it's a good team
versus a matchup
cause she would lean into it
she'd like fuck them
yeah
he probably
is not doing well now
but uh
yeah there was always
those chicks that started
to know they had power
over the teacher too
yeah
and they would just like
wear like um
yeah like show more
tits um test day coming up
yeah dude we had a guy who came in the class he started this is the first dude i ever heard
talk about kombucha right this is 20 years ago this dude came in started yelling he had a huge
thing of like a big huge glass jar he made of kombucha yeah and water whatever and he's telling
everybody he's like this is the secret of the future right this will change your life and then
he would like go into like the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out like
30 minutes later and people were like what the fuck was he just making boots back there we have
no idea what he was doing but it was so. And then he came because our main teacher got busted dating a girl at school.
They put a wire on her and they were going to run off together.
And the cops caught him somewhere like on the highway.
Damn.
And we all kind of felt, I mean, obviously it was messed up.
Yeah.
But everybody just was like, man, it was sad because everybody loved him too.
He was an awesome teacher.
He didn't seem like a bad guy.
You know, I think there's, you know, I think a lot of, I think some dudes that teach never,
their brain never leaves high school too, you know?
No, I mean, they're just surrounded by high schoolers and eventually they're just like,
these are my coworkers, question mark.
It's a, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's when these guys get busted for it it's sad as
fuck yeah yeah the whole thing's just sad you know yeah um did you see those trump sneakers
that came out oh yeah yeah yeah the funniest comment was like those are the january sixes
fucking crying can we see a photo of them they're just they look like like uh hulk hogan or like uh
oh they do kind of.
I didn't even think about that.
Or, fuck, what's his name?
Ric Flair.
They just look like they make you want to go, woo.
Yeah, they kind of a Hacksaw Jim Duggan vibe too.
They kind of have that 80s like.
I wonder if a lot of black dudes would support these as well.
These might be pretty tough, man.
Yeah, dude, you could probably flip those pretty good on StockX.
Can you see them?
Can we get a better look at them, Nick?
They should have like a song that
plays when you walk in them. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. I wanna be
American.
I think you could have. What would he have?
Each
step.
Yeah, each step is another note.
Yeah, you gotta complete the song.
That shit should have Heelys in it.
But it has like a little mud flap behind it.
Bro, those are actually kind of fucking tough, bro.
Do you think we can get a pair of those, Nick?
Yes, for everybody?
Can I have one?
How about this?
Let's start with a pair.
And then we'll let everybody choose
if they want that
if they do want those
or if we all want them
I don't know
there's gonna be
a museum one day
and in like a hundred years
they're gonna be like
what the fuck
is going on in 2024
the air trumps dude
but that's just
where we are
it's like
what if they had like
you know people from the past
like political
like what if you had
the Frederick Douglas high top?
Yeah,
dude.
You know,
man,
those would be kind of hard.
Abe Lincoln threes,
dog.
Yeah.
Oh,
that fucking Harriet Tubman Crocs.
Okay.
So Donald Trump booed while promoting $399 sneakers. One day after court orders, he's going to pay $355 million. Oh, he got booed while promoting $399 sneakers one day after court orders him to pay $355 million.
Wait, he got booed?
Yeah, who knows if he did?
You never know.
That's the thing about the news now.
You don't know what happened.
Yeah, but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the court ordered him so much money?
Yeah, that's a good question.
They don't tell you.
The shoe, he's pulling well.
Dude, but you can picture the guy who's gonna wear those he's got like an
affliction t-shirt he's got the faux hawk you think yeah i think so he's got a couple of like
side like lines shaving the side of his head i could see those doing well for some reason
because there's just something in the like because a lot of like the culture supports trump you know
like a lot of like a lot of black folks support trump you know it really came around know, like a lot of like, a lot of black folks support Trump, you know? It really came around.
It's like a lot,
a lot of black people
are like,
that's my guy.
Yeah.
So it's kind of interesting.
I wonder,
you show one rapper
sporting those dude
and it's a fucking touchdown,
you know?
Now he sold a lot
of weird shit on his,
oh,
here it is right here.
Oh,
he's at sneaker con?
Dude, getting booed and saying thank you is a power move, I will say.
Trump just does whatever he's supposed to do, huh?
He doesn't even know.
Oh, there he is.
This is not what happened.
He's at SneakerCon?
Let's see.
Well, I don't think that's his audience.
He's got to go to like a TGI Fridays.
But is that what happened or is that AI?
You just don't know.
That's a thing now.
Can you go to the website where it looks like?
It's like gettrumpsneakers.com.
Yeah, that's what I want to see because they also sell that 47 cologne, 45 cologne.
Trump has his own cologne, bro.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, like, dude, think about how much merch Hello Kitty has.
Like, we might as well, like, fucking double down.
Like, Hello Kitty is making bags just existing. Yeah, which mean, like, dude, think about how much merch Hello Kitty has. Like, we might as well, like, fucking double down. Like, Hello Kitty's making bags just existing.
Yeah, which is crazy that there's an Asian cat that's actually fucking not being compromised in his fucking home country, okay?
Yeah, I think it was a website.
I think it was Get Trump Shoes or something like that.
Yeah, what did that say?
Get Trump Sneakers or something?
Yeah, I believe so.
Yeah, I mean, if I'm him, yeah, I'm selling everything.
You get as much money as you can.
But I mean, he's already so goddamn rich.
I don't know.
But is he?
They just took $355 million from him.
Oh, maybe that's why.
There's a lot of these courts now.
They're trying to break his bank now.
That's another thing they're doing.
I'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this stuff,
but they're really hashing out to try and make his bank.
They sold out. Wow.
Oh, they only had 1,000 pairs. Each are numbered.
I just got the pre-order for
the Tesla. The Cybertruck?
Yeah. Really? Have you seen one in person yet?
There's two options. They said there's a regular option
that comes out in May,
or there's a Cyber Beast
that comes out probably in
December.
What'd you do?
I don't know.
It's kind of,
you kind of want it soon.
Yeah.
I mean, I've never like,
I've been holding out for like a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle.
Yeah.
So part of me is like,
maybe I should just get it.
But the cyber beast has,
um,
holy shit.
The cyber beast has like the bar across the the top with the light bar and stuff.
The Cybertruck doesn't have that.
Oh, okay.
Aren't they bulletproof?
Yeah, and that's one thing that I'm excited about, dude.
Shit gets fucked.
It's weird in the world.
Yeah.
It's weird in the world these days.
What else you got going on, man?
Are you thinking about doing new stuff?
Where's your production brain at?
Because you're always kind of thinking of what's new
or what's next.
What do you see kind of happening in like technology or in like performance or like, what's like keeping you excited? God, keep me excited, man. Um,
and if you don't have an answer, that's fine. Did you say something, Nick? Nope. Okay. Sorry.
Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I'm just building up material again, which is kind of fun. It's
like terrifying just because like lately I've been doing all new shit.
And then I'll end with like an old joke from the special and the barometer with
the old shit from the special gets versus some of the new stuff.
It's tough.
But when that new stuff really starts hitting,
it's fucking exciting.
So I'm in the middle of that.
I'm just doing,
just doing shows and shit.
Really.
Have you been down in the mothership?
I have.
I did kill Tony out there.
Oh yeah.
Yeah. That was fun.
The success of Kill Tony, can we look at that for a second?
It's crazy. He sold out Madison Square Garden.
I think twice.
Unbelievable. Yeah, from the belly room to that.
I mean, it's fucking awesome. I mean, I usually
watch it pretty much every Monday. It's like really
it's a very well
structured show.
And dude, one thing I'll say, the best sets
that I've had on stage
in a club this year were
at the Mothership. I think because there's
no phones. So you know
you're safe. So your brain
knows you're safe. And I think your brain is
more liable to do
its best work if it knows that it's not going to
be compromised or it can
get something wrong.
And acoustically, it sounds good too.
Yeah. Yeah. It's great down there. It's fun, comfortable, but yeah, this kill Tony's
unbelievable, dude. Um, he had the other night I'm watching, there's 81,000 people watching at
the same time. Oh, live 81,000. Do you know how hard it is to get 81,000 people to do something?
I pull a dick out and I'm maybe a 3000. Maybe. Yeah. That's crazy. Well, it's the biggest live 81,000. Do you know how hard it is to get 81,000 people to do something? I go Instagram live.
I pull a dick out and I'm maybe at 3,000.
Maybe.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Well, it's the biggest live podcast.
It's fucking awesome.
It's huge.
Kudos to him.
It's launching careers.
Kudos to Red Band.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
It's the gong show.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I mean it's uh it's america's got it people you know well that's also what it
is it's like the laugh factory open mic got really weird for a while like when i was doing it early
on like 2015 it's like because people were flying from florida it'd be like this is my one chance
at making it in hollywood so now i think kill tony's that where yeah it's a lot of Austin comics but it's also people who are flying in from fucking Chugwater Wyoming to be like today's my day
yeah and it might be some people get up there and they're in front of a million people
81,000 live and they have no material they're up there just like I just want to say hi Tony
but it's like yeah like you said it's like America's Got Talent you want to see people
bomb you want to see people do good and the the hilarity of it, too, is they give them one minute, right?
Which is.
You're not.
You can't.
It's impossible.
It's so hard.
Yeah.
And then, then they get to rip the guy off fucking 11 new assholes.
Yeah.
For 20 minutes.
Professional comedian versus a guy who was told he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago i mean this
structure is like so in favor of tony that's why and tony's so good at it tony is so fucking funny
and quick with it but yeah to do a minute like i was talking about doing five minutes at that
arena show a minute in front of like to get a premise out where people like right off the bat
like you i mean dude i mean i was you you've been a judge on it right
how quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute i mean it is dead
i was right next to this guy he was bombing i could feel the pulse in his dick just shriveling
up i mean dude i mean this guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd. And I, it, I just had like the secondhand embarrassment.
You could feel everybody turn so quick on it,
dude.
I mean like,
yeah,
it's so tough.
It's so,
the odds of you being successful.
And then they literally rip.
They have no chill for anybody to go to the guy.
I forget what he was wearing,
but he had like a,
like a button up t-shirt. Maybe you can scroll around and keep going, but he walks out and immediately go to the guy. I forget what he was wearing, but he had like a, like a button up t-shirt.
Maybe you can scroll around and keep going,
but he walks out and immediately insults the audience.
And the thing with the show is like,
this show is so big and their fans are so loyal that these people love Tony.
They love the show.
So you insult it.
No,
not that guy.
He was actually really sweet.
Look like Johnny sins.
It might've been earlier.
I wish I had the fucking Apple provisions.
Uh,
keep going.
Wow. How would that help you right now? You can scroll up my face and fucking do a little thing and find it
keep going
this guy opens and he literally insults the crowd
and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute
it's coming up
it might be after this guy
it might be after David
yeah I mean it's launching careers
like people are getting new.
You know Cam Patterson?
I want to go spend time with him.
This guy.
Go to the beginning of a set.
I love Cam.
Cam's really funny.
He's a good dude.
Go to the beginning.
Dude, I mean, you can feel how tense it is up there.
Yeah, that should be it.
Perhaps Montella.
What's going on, y'all oh thank you uh you ugly people uh thank you for coming out i appreciate
that um i know what you're thinking why is my gta drug dealer but yeah 300 people just
because then you're just setting yourself up for gist. You ugly people. I wonder what inside of him made him think that that was good.
I think they're just so nervous.
Nervous.
Yeah.
And it is a roast show, so you're kind of like off the-
Yeah, there's a blind dude there.
Yeah.
They painted that one guy black.
That guy didn't even be black.
They edit that in.
Yeah.
Studying on Bryan Simpson.
Yeah, that's good.
And then here's the crazy part.
It's Jim Norton right there. studying on Brian Simpson. Yeah, that's good. And then here's the crazy part. They have the-
It's Jim Norton right there.
They have the black Brian.
Brian Simpson is basically the black red band.
Yeah.
You don't know what's going on here, dude.
It's so good.
I saw an episode recently.
This guy went up there and opened with like,
oh, it's great to be on like America's Got Talent,
like trailer park edition,
and then ate shit for a minute.
And the second his minute was up,
Tony was like,
huh, America's the trash version.
And then you just bought like, I think that the, everybody is there for Tony and the show.
So when you talk shit about the show and you haven't earned it, like they turn on you so
quickly.
You got to respect it, man.
But like being next that you could just feel how tense it was.
I mean, to do a minute, I mean, it's, it's, it's a fucking God awful format for a new
standup.
But if you do well, it launches your career.
Well, it's just amazing what they're doing.
It's amazing that they're doing that with a table,
a couple of cameras, and a comedy stage.
A table.
They're fucking set up.
It's a podcast.
Yeah, they used that for a potluck the other day.
Yeah, they're probably going to try and get bought out,
but how the show is right now is perfect.
And like,
you really don't need to change anything.
Honestly.
I mean,
in why,
yeah.
If you could travel with that show for the next couple of years and do it on
the road.
It's huge.
I can recognize for being on that show more than just not more,
but,
but just like random.
So I saw you on kill Tony.
It's like,
yeah.
Oh,
it's the number one thing that I hear people say a lot.
Just like,
Oh,
that kind of just surprised me.
Like,
Oh yeah,
we just went,
I flew to Austin for kill Tony. Yeah. Well, it's also a big, uh, there's a lot just like, oh, that kind of just surprised me. Like, oh, yeah, we just flew to Austin for Kill Tony.
Yeah.
Well, it's also a big – there's a big community in it where like it's almost exciting where like the Reddit will kind of go crazy.
Oh, I heard Theo's the guest on this week's episode because since they bank shoot, they don't really know.
But it's like, oh, Theo was in Austin.
People start doing the dots and shit.
People start putting things up.
Yeah.
It's kind of like a fun because it brings all corners
of the comedy world in it
and there's those characters.
It's like a reality show,
honestly.
Yeah,
you want to see them,
you want to see what's going on
with their life.
Yeah, man.
And they have crazy moments,
that Ric Flair moment
where he just said,
I'm going to bed or whatever.
He didn't understand
the concept of it yet.
Yeah,
was he hammered?
He's just like,
hey,
stop roasting these people.
It's like,
I will never say anything bad about a veteran.
That's like Tony's icon right there too.
He loves Ric Flair.
I was like,
I'm not a veteran.
It was like,
I'll go into bed.
Um,
he,
uh,
the one that was one the other day with Mark Norman,
that was so funny,
dude.
It's all great moments on there.
Yeah.
That's Ric Flair leaving.
Um, yeah. What else do you think about doing a film or do you start to piece any stuff? I know you were talking about doing a TV show at one point. Yeah. I've pitched some
stuff. I'm kind of working with a few people on, on something, but I think my main focus is
anything that I can make. I don't want to be like, there's too many, uh, I guess roadblocks
going to some of these. So I'll show interest. If somebody wants to work with me, I'll with me i'll be like hey i'm down but like you got to come to me like this is what
i'm working on so you got to like equal that or like meet me halfway i think yeah so i'm doing a
lot of that but really just trying to um elevate what i'm already doing just shoot more sketches
put on more shit try different formats uh youtube's in a weird place where it's like what they want is
very different it's very like like sketch comedy i wouldn't say it's dead but it's not in the forefront you know people want to be talked to
you know they want to like you want to do stuff to a camera like if i was doing a sketch instead
of being like me and you in the sketch i would just do like pov and then the camera is you just
like talking to me because people just want to be talked to so i don't really know what the fuck is
going on the internet like Like I think I do.
And then I post something and then a week later,
it's not really that.
So I don't really know.
It's tough to know.
It's tough to know.
And it's tough to know if you're just like a lull in the vibe that week of
humanity or people are studying for exams or people are taking away on
vacation or something.
It's hard to know what's up.
Power outage and little rock.
You never really know.
Sometimes I think about going down to Austin, though, for a while.
Yeah?
Yeah, just because there is a sense,
there's an energy down there that's exciting.
It is exciting.
You know, one of my openers, Chance Willie,
is moving down there from Nashville.
Yeah.
And there's just an energy there.
It's like, yeah, it's fun.
You go up in the room and Ron White's sitting in there.
Shane Gillis is there now.
You know, Tim Dillon pops in and out.
Would you ever get just like a small little like condo over there?
That's what I think I would probably do.
Just get a house or a small house or just something real.
Well, something.
Nothing fancy or anything.
Just a place where I could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or two, you know?
Yeah.
Where are you going to now?
Or just doing the shows?
I'm in Nashville now, but I'm going to Australia
tonight. Tonight?
Yeah. Holy shit. That flight
is crazy. Yeah, it's going to be long.
Yeah, yeah. Do you take anything on flights
or no? You just sit there with your thoughts and think about
life? Yeah, I'll just take
NyQuil probably. Yeah.
Because I had a little bit of a fever yesterday.
That Mormon Perk 30 right there.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dude.
How long are you in Australia for?
Shout out to all the black Mormons too, dude.
Show,
hey, show up, huh?
Y'all,
if you're a black Mormon, man,
send in a video.
We want to connect with you guys
and have some fellowship with you guys.
Bring them in.
How long are you in Australia for?
Three weeks.
Yeah, that's long.
So we did a month,
just, yeah,
we wanted to take some days off and I just want to be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there, you know? Yeah. That'd long. So we did a month. Just, yeah, we wanted to take some days off,
and I just want to be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there, you know?
Yeah.
That'd be great.
It's so fun.
Yeah, dude, there's no guns out there.
It's crazy.
Wow.
There's, like, none.
I saw a cop arresting a guy.
He's like, get down!
He had finger guns.
He's like, really?
And the guy just went like this to him, just folded him in.
He's like, dude, now it's pointed at me!
He started making out.
It was fucking awesome, dude.
Yeah, if you go to Brisbane, you can just point a finger gun at a cop.
Yeah.
Don't do that.
But yeah,
they don't have guns out there.
Apparently in the eighties or the nineties,
there's one massacre shooting.
And then they all were like,
Hey,
bring your gun here.
We're getting rid of them for $500.
You give us your gun.
We'll give you 500 bucks.
Everybody just did it.
They should roll up in the,
in American,
do that shit,
especially in the fucking hood,
man.
Yeah. But somebody would get shot at that event
Yeah but still dude
Turn those choppers over
Dude a couple of young bangers shot up the fucking
Chiefs parade did you see that
I didn't see that
Dude can you imagine your team wins the Superbowl
And somebody's rolling up shooting
Just heartbreaking man
Dude I mean fucking the more and more
There is that Cybertruck is sounding a little more like-
That's what I'm saying.
That's funny because everything follows suit.
Like when push-to-start cars started,
it was like rare and it was luxury.
Now like a Kia Sorento's got them.
So in the future, Nissan Altimas are going to be bulletproof,
which let's be honest,
they should have been bulletproof already, okay?
Nissan Altimas are like the hood car.
When did that happen? Well, it used to be the Honda car. Yeah. When did that happen?
Well, it used to be the Honda Civic, man.
When I was coming up.
Really?
Yeah.
There was a lot of like, a lot of kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother
and she would have the Honda Civic and he would drop her off at work in her car.
Yeah.
And then now everything's changed.
And now it's the, what'd you say?
Nissan Altimas.
Yeah.
Dude, you see one of those pull up fully tinted.
Dude, they tint the front window too.
That's how you know somebody has a gun in this car.
I saw the headlights tinted.
You couldn't see the fucking headlights.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's definitely like a, oh shit, we should go inside car.
Yeah.
I don't know what it is, but the rest of the Nissans are like family cars.
Like you just get like a Tundra.
That's a chill car.
You put Altima on it, you're like, someone's getting shot. Those are like family cars. Like you just get like a, like a Tundra. Yeah. That's a chill car.
You put Altamont and you're like,
someone's getting shot.
Those are nice,
dude.
There's a lot of nice cars.
Now.
A lot of cars look cool.
Now.
I feel like almost every car does.
Even the new Prius.
You're like,
Oh,
okay.
Yeah.
I'll get a handy one of those.
Um,
did you see Zuckerberg at the UFC fight?
Oh yeah.
Wasn't he like just hanging out with the boys?
I can't like pass in t-shirts over him.
Just so bizarre. Like,
so he's helping somebody get into the ring, right, Nick?
Yeah, he walked out with Volk.
Man.
He walked out with Volkanovski.
Dude, this is me when my phone dies and I'm at a restaurant with my friends.
Oh, man, that's tough.
Dude, he's, like, bobbing his head like he's listening to Bob Marley.
What a love.
Yeah, it's almost like he's just sewing his head like, okay, this is how you seem normal.
He's like, he doesn't know how to be normal.
He's worth like $150 billion.
But he can't pay to be normal.
He doesn't know how.
You think, hey, spend a bill on normal and up.
Yeah, bro.
Hire a city to
come over once a week and be like hey this is fucking st louis this is how you're gonna be for
a week drinking water yeah like that's so bizarre he doesn't know how to just be a computer man
it's you know we're just talking about this story today it's that's where we are he's a computer
yeah he's like how do i drink water appropriately what do i do now i mean when he's at home like you know, we're just talking about this story today. It's, that's where we are. He's a computer.
Yeah.
He's like,
how do I drink water appropriately?
What do I do now?
I mean, when he's at home,
like you got to imagine like he's not chewing his food for him.
You know,
he sleeps in a coffin.
Oh yeah.
It's got like their guns in it and shit.
But I think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him.
Yeah.
When you're that rich,
I don't think you do anything.
Oh, I would hire a strong Mexican guy to cuddle my wife.
I would have him butter my bread.
Oh.
Have you seen the guy that's-
What I have?
How rich.
Have I seen the guy that's what?
He takes his, he's trying to be like the youngest guy in the world.
He takes his son's blood and infuses it.
Johnson is his name, right?
You got to get him on the show.
He's a fucking character. Really? Not in a good way. And he's takes his son's blood and if yes it johnson is his name right you got to get him on the show he's a fucking character really not in a good way and he's eating his son's blood
yeah it's really weird but he's but he's like doing these things she like measures his erections
at night he's like i want to have the erection of a 21 year old it's like it's a little fucking
weird dude you want to get hard every time you see Spike TV pop up on screen? Fuck yeah. It's fucking weird.
It's really weird.
And he looks not amazing for how much he's doing.
Brian Johnson, the tech founder, spending millions to be 18 again, says his goal is to make death optional.
Yeah.
They say only two things in life for a certain death in Texas.
Billionaire biohacker Brian Johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion.
The tech entrepreneur has gained notoriety
for $2 million a year anti-aging
routine. He's named the
Blueprint Protocol.
For Johnson, this
entails eating his last meal at 11 a.m.,
sleeping alone, taking more than
100 supplements a day.
He also subjects himself to a vast array of
tests and experiments, blood plasma transfusions, microneedling, full-body LED exposure,
and MRI scans to name a few.
Wow.
So he goes through all that and then type in his name and his age
and then guess how old he is.
Or type in a photo of him and then guess how old he is.
Okay, don't tell me how old he is.
Let's get a photo of him up, Nick, please.
So this guy is spending his entire own he's a tech millionaire maybe
billionaire he's loaded a temple Grandin though I mean he's a temple Grandin and
she was one of the first trans cattle ranchers really oh I can see it. Yeah, dude, this guy.
This guy.
Dude, maybe he spends so much money.
Even in the red shirt.
No, no.
Get that red one.
No, up.
Top left.
There it is.
Yeah.
So this guy's paying billions of dollars.
Look like Temple Grandin, dude.
Yeah, so how old do you think he is?
And he's spending millions of dollars. He sleeps alone. His last meal is at 11 a.m. like Temple Grandin, dude. Yeah, so how old do you think he is? And he's spending millions
of dollars. He sleeps alone. His last meal is
at 11 a.m. He has 100 pills a day and he takes
his son's blood, which is so weird.
Hey, son, you mind putting down Fortnite real quick?
Daddy needs some sucky suck.
This guy at Salem Witch Trials
would be drowned for even blinking.
How the fuck is behind
those eyes?
Brian Johnson
I would say he is
I would say he's 42 years old
he's 46
but like
I feel like you see people around Hollywood that look like that
I mean it's all from plastic surgery
yeah he looks just like one of those
people that does too much to their face and it makes them look like that? I mean, it's all from plastic surgery and they're all going to fuck him. Yeah. He looks just like one of those people that does too much to their face and it
makes them look like strange.
Yeah.
You know,
like at a certain point you just start to look strange.
What's that shirt with a picture with him with no shirt on.
That's interesting.
There's Madonna right there.
And I mean,
it's all like without plastic surgery and listen,
he'll live longer than I will.
And he'll be cremated and turn into a fucking dumbbell or something.
But I mean,
we got to get Temple Grandin on here.
Yeah.
It's just like,
it's just an interesting,
I don't know.
Yeah.
He looks like a,
um,
bad guy in one of those,
uh,
Hannibal Lecter movies.
He looked like the first bad guy who's like lactose intolerant.
Yeah.
Like to one carton of milk
and this guy is out for a week.
This guy's on the shitter, dude.
Dude, I went to this chick's house.
You did?
Yeah.
A girl you're dating or a friend?
Two different stories.
Oh, then I have a question for you.
I went to this girl's house and she had a squatty potty.
I'll never be able to look at her again the same.
And what is that?
It's where you put your feet up like this.
Oh, on that thing.
Yeah.
So you shit harder.
Wow.
And are you shitting for like impact or something?
I don't know.
Are you shitting for speed or whatever?
Like what's the purpose of it?
I don't know, but like I just can't.
Yeah.
So like it's just like funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it
and just picture them just being like blowing it up.
I don't know man
yeah because that really i guess when you do that it really it puts it's it's more like a japanese
technique i think we have your feet up high that's why they kind of shit in holes from what i've
heard i remember in africa we went on a safari and you would go in you think it was a bathroom
you would open the door and it was just a hole. You would literally just poop into a hole. Did it help?
Squatty potty, here you go.
It evens out that...
It unkinks the rectum.
Say that again slower, dog.
I have a question for you.
A girl I'm seeing now, I guess you went on a date with her one time.
Dude, do not say that.
It's beef, dude.
No, that means it's cool.
That means I'm equally as hot as Theo. Bro, that... But's beef, dude. No. No, that means it's cool. That means like I'm equally as hot as Theo.
Bro.
But it was like years ago.
Okay.
Did she say I was a nice guy?
Yeah.
She said you were like shy.
Okay.
That checks out.
But like, yeah, like I think it was just like you guys were just,
said you would ask like really random questions.
Oh God.
Like, oh, what's your favorite time of day to get a big Mac?
Well,
it's before 11 a.m.
If you're Brian Johnson,
I'll tell you that.
What,
uh,
you've been dating or what?
Yeah.
What's going on,
man?
I've been,
I gone on a few days,
but there was a gal I was dating in Nashville some,
and then we set that ended up not working.
And I just been too busy.
There was a gal in LA.
I've been kind of talking to him in that.
Um,
I just don't have the,
I just can't keep it up right now.
Yeah.
You know,
the relationship.
Yeah.
Your tour schedule is crazy.
Yeah.
And I just,
I'm like in work and I want to be,
you know,
these are like the,
the couple of years I might be able to do some fun stuff.
And yeah,
definitely.
And it's a,
I don't know.
I like working.
I want to think about like, we're trying to do like some philanthropy stuff and yeah definitely and it's I don't know I like working I want to think about like
we're trying to do like
some philanthropy
stuff this year
so just
I want to
you only have so much time
so
I don't know
yeah no I don't think
you're doing anything wrong
you get your loving on the run
a little bit here and there
but that gets scary
because like
a chick will send you a DM
and then they screen grab
your shit and stuff
you know
and it's like
but I never say like
nothing like
let me see that frosty or whatever you you know? Like I'll just, but even- Sorry, Dairy Queen hacked my phone.
Yeah, that's why I never, I have friends who sexed like crazy. I will never. It's just too,
it's too weird. Also, like if a girl's like sexing you and then you look at it the next morning,
you're like, who the fuck am I? Yeah.
I need to find God.
You typed out,
let me see that post period.
Put me in jail,
brother.
Like it's,
it's just so weird that,
or like right out,
if you like jerk off right after,
it's like,
you look at your text and you're like,
how do I throw,
how do I get a new phone plan?
How do I switch to singular after that shit?
You ever nuts hard to go back to Boost Mobile, dude?
It's fucking disgusting.
After that you nut and they're still sending you like sexy messages.
Oh, God.
Oh, that's the craziest.
Yeah, your phone should shut down.
Your phone should shut down after you nut.
You know how you try to lock your phone?
Or if you try to unlock a phone, too many times it locks it out.
The second you nut, it should be like you are locked out until broad daylight. You have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock your phone, or if you try to unlock a phone too many times, it locks it out. The second you nut issue, you are locked out until broad daylight.
You have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock it.
Can you imagine how many dudes in college would just be outside like this?
I mean, it's hilarious.
It's hilarious to both be sexting back and forth, and then you just finish, and you're like, oh, yeah.
I think I like dudes.
Yeah, and she's still like, yeah, now what are you thinking? You're like,
I'm thinking about McGriddles. I'm thinking I'm
disgusting. I think I
like dudes, you know?
Yeah, it's bizarre.
I mean, that's why, like, after porn, I immediately
have to exit out.
Anybody who gets
off during porn, anybody who
comes and then continues to watch
another video or two.
No, that's crazy. That's crazy.
That's like staying for a matinee in another movie.
Dude, I exit out of the website
mid-ejac. The second it's leaving
my body, I'm like, and then
I find that X button. I'm like, get
this Salem witch away from me.
Dude, I want everything to finish at the same
time. Seam it out of my body,
open up, go to googleimages.com.
Yeah, it's just a HelloFresh advertiser still open.
Dude, that's something that's hectic, though.
Sometimes I like to look at videos on Reddit,
and they place ads in there sometimes.
If you were to scroll through porn videos,
I accidentally came to an NBA Jams ad.
I was like, dude, that's actually so cool.
If one of my boys saw me, he's just fucking,
he's on fire!
Get tested!
Yeah, dude. If anybody saw me right now,
this guy fucking loves basketball.
This guy loves Brian Scalabrini.
I have this crazy fear
that the computer, if you're jerking off or watching pornography,
that they're recording back.
So I'll put it at an angle so that I can see the screen, but the camera can't see me.
You're watching it like somebody else's TV on a flight.
Dude, that's so funny.
You don't tape up.
Do you tape the screen?
I should do that.
Yeah.
It would be way better, but I just.
Well, you should put a photo of you holding a sign that says not jerking off in front of the camera.
Oh, yeah.
But then behind it, you're jerking off.
Yeah.
And then you rip it down.
My buddy Patrick, he, when we were kids, he would like hide behind a map, like an actual physical paper map in his car with his parents
if they were going somewhere, and he would jerk off behind
the map. That's smart.
And they're like, tell me when to get off the interstate.
He's like,
coming!
Coming up!
Dude, that's so funny. Dads used to be so good
at multitasking. They'd have a full map,
a family of five
valuable lives in the car.
And he's just being like, how do we get to the Grand Canyon doing 100 in a Volvo station wagon?
Meanwhile, two of the kids are sitting in the trunk.
They're not even in seats.
And he's doing 100 multitasking.
Dude, dads are crazy.
Bro, being a dad has to be.
I'm amazed that people do it as much as they do.
They just turn into like a human Swiss army knife.
And they just, yeah.
I don't know if we're ready for that, man.
You think you're ready yet?
No, but I do want kids eventually.
But I think about how loud they are.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I think you have to get out in nature.
You need to get a kid that's quiet.
If you're out in nature and stuff, kids are quiet.
If you stay out, live out there.
Yeah, man.
What you get in like a big, like,
I don't want some fucking kid all souped up
on nerd ropes
and shit
he's tying around his forearm
yeah
yeah I mean that's crazy
you know I just wish
that you could like
I don't know
they just
I wish you could like
just wear
just like headphones
around them
but then people just think
you're
like a deadbeat dad
or whatever
dead ear dad
yeah I think it's,
I don't know.
I would like to have them.
I got to get that special someone or,
you know,
but dude,
I,
when you watch like love on the spectrum,
you're like,
Oh,
that's,
that's just like the dates that regular people have.
It's really the same.
It's like awkward.
People don't know what to say.
Their kisses are always,
um,
pretty graphic
they be kissing hard
oh yeah
some of them really really kiss hard
but they're good kisses
some of them kiss like it's
like you're trying to win something
you know
or like the shotgun and that smoke in there
do you ever do that with a girl?
smoke hookah
smoke in her mouth
bro that was the way you knew
if a chick was in you or not
it was like
Oh yeah
Shotgun me
Shotgun it
And she'd be like
Nah
Yeah
You're like
Dude the hookah smoke
And you don't know
How close to get
Start making out
With fucking
Just smoke in your mouth
Or boofing dude
My buddy got boofed out
By some chick
At a party in Chicago
What a great place
To get boofed
Some lady was blowing coke up his butt
have you ever done that no dude i wouldn't waste the coke by just blowing into my ass like a weirdo
isn't that doesn't it jack you up more who cares the fun part i think is doing it up your fucking
face like i've like a real man oh because then people get to see it and you just like it's that you know nobody's like
yeah but i you were pre you were in you were into cocaine yeah i really liked it
boofing seemed like it could have been up there with like it could have been an option
but also getting a straw or something in your butt like people will use like a mcdonald's straw
so i'm like it's hard enough to get a friend to help you move you know like hey you mind
grabbing this pixie stepping blowing blowing it up my asshole.
Oh man,
I'm busy. You can borrow my truck though.
Alright man, yeah, I'll be back around four.
Let me know about that whole straw thing.
I've just heard it's really beneficial on a BuzzFeed
article.
Dude, I got to come to your pod, man.
Please, I'd love to stiff socks
it'd be awesome man
I've been on there for snippets
like little 10 minute chunks
I know we gotta come in
we gotta have that
chairing situation
set up in there too
yeah dude
whenever you're ready
I mean your tour schedule
is crazy
but whenever you're in town
for more than
38 minutes
let me know
yeah I'm gonna come do it soon
love to get you on dude
and yeah
thanks for coming in dude
we gotta go hit a UFC fight
or something together sometime
you ever been?
Dude, please.
I would love to.
No, I just got invited to slap boxing.
That shit looks fun too.
Really?
You went?
No, I got invited to go, but I couldn't make it.
You went?
Yeah.
Have you ever been on NELC podcast?
No, I just saw those guys in Vegas though.
I'm cool with all those guys.
Yeah.
Did you do it?
Yeah, I did it.
It's fun.
Yeah.
It's cool.
They just got a unique audience.
They got the, you know, they're fun.
They're a fun group.
Yeah.
Love on the spectrum audience.
Yeah.
They're always doing fun shit. Yeah. Love on the spectrum audience. Yeah. Yeah. They're always doing fun shit.
Yeah.
Love on the spectrum.
Bunch of fucking,
uh,
yeah.
A bunch of this tismed out happy dad.
You know,
no,
those guys are,
those guys are buddies.
They're cool.
Yeah.
They're good,
man.
My buddy,
John Shahidi over there.
It's a fun group.
Um,
all right,
cool,
bro.
Thanks for coming in,
dude.
Thank you for having me.
Catch up,
man.
Nice catching up,
dude.
Have fun in Australia.
Fucking hit a fucking, see what the quack is up to, dude. Thanks for coming in, dude. Thank you for having me, man. Good to catch up, man. Nice catching up, dude. Have fun in Australia. Fucking hit a fucking, see what them quokkas up to, dude.
Oh, yeah.
Hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quokkas.
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure it'll be something.
There's a lot of dangerous animals over there.
So we'll see what happens.
You'll have a blast.
You'll have a blast, dude.
But, dude, yeah, good luck with working on the new material and stuff.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, good to chat with you, though. Yeah, good to chat with you too i'll be in nashville in the summer so
if you're there we'll uh shoot some shit or have you on the show or do a show yeah yeah
now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground
I'll share this peace of mind
I found I can feel it in my bones
But it's gonna take a little