This Past Weekend - E499 Celeste Barber
Episode Date: May 2, 2024Celeste Barber is an Australian comedian known for her stand-up, viral videos on social media, and her Netflix show “Wellmania”. She is currently touring the U.S. now through June. Theo is join...ed by Celeste Barber during his trip to Australia, chatting about the differences between Aussies and Americans, the strange Giraffe they use to warn kids about drugs, her own journey with mental health, awkward puberty talks with her kids, why backup dancers are the real unsung heroes, and more. Celeste Barber: https://www.instagram.com/celestebarber/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, visit https://forthepeople.com/thispastweekend or dial Pound LAW (#529). Their fee is free unless they win. Valor Recovery: To learn more about Valor Recovery please visit them at www.valorrecoverycoaching.com or email them at admin@valorrecoverycoaching.com Blue Cube: Follow @BlueCubeBaths on Instagram for a chance to win your own cold plunge this Spring and Summer! They will announce the giveaway soon… Modiphy: Visit https://www.modiphy.com/theovon for 50% off the Last Website You’ll Ever Need. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: tpwproducer@gmail.com Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Today's episode was filmed
when I was down in the Australia
and she's probably one of the biggest comedians in Australia. She's well known
for her viral clips online. She's hilarious. Her Netflix show Well Mania
and she's currently touring the US right now. Today's guest is Celeste Barber. I'm on the stage.
Eleven minutes ago, my Australia, New Zealand tour went on sale.
No way.
So I'm just being a little bit obnoxious for 30 seconds.
You want to check the stats?
To make sure, note that it has uploaded
because Instagram has become really needy.
I don't know if you've noticed.
Yeah.
When you post, you got to keep the app open
for it to upload.
Yeah.
You can't just post and then walk away, Renee.
Yeah.
And it does its thing.
It's like, it's needy, so.
Let's make sure that it's up.
I'm just going to sit there with a video of myself playing
while I sit with
you and talk about myself.
It's kind of the world we're in.
It's like you will see somebody editing a photo of themselves and writing in
their diary at the same time.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
It's really bizarre.
I always said that to people when they're about like press and stuff.
They're like, Oh, you know, the press are running shit on me.
They're running shit on me.
And I'm like, I haven't seen it.
You're in a fucking vortex of yourself.
Yeah.
And like, oh no, it's everywhere.
And I'm like, turn Google alerts off on yourself.
Turn them off.
You don't need to get Google alerts
about yourself every fucking 10 minutes.
You pull this in?
Do you carefully start or no?
No, I don't care.
Sorry, I'm being rude.
I also have been in a hotel for four nights, which buckles my voice.
So I sound like a creepy person teenager.
Why do you think the air in there is bad or something?
The rooms are so expensive.
Maybe they put cheap air in the room.
Well, yeah.
And just, I need natural air, but when, you know, hotels are fancy, they don't.
Well some of them are so expensive, dude.
I've been in ones where it's like,
it's so, you're like, I'm not even going to sleep. If I even blink my eyes, it's going to cost me 30
bucks. Oh, absolutely. I stayed, yeah. I remember the first time I stayed in like a really fancy
place. I stayed up all night. I was like, I'm not going to waste the money. You're going to get paid
to sleep. They're going to charge you to go to sleep. Well, I'm not, yeah, I came here to fucking use this place,
you know? But also-
I even, like, I think I read one of the books or something.
In the hotel? I started reading,
like, a couple chats.
Just to get your money, you know, it's like-
Your money's worth, yeah.
You wanna get your money's worth,
I left the water going for a couple hours, I remember.
Do you travel with anything specifically?
No, just usually a little
bit of hairspray I guess but yeah just a bit. What else do I like to have in my room? Water,
oh powerade or gatorade, butterscotch, a couple butterscotch's. What else do you like?
Well when I travel like in a hotel I have to take my pillow. I've got to take my pillow with me.
Yeah. I've become that girl. But even with water now, I love it. In the hotel I was like in a hotel, I have to take my pillow. I've got to take my pillow with me. I've become that girl.
But even with water now, I love it.
In the hotel I was just in,
had some couple of bottles of water
and it said, complimentary.
It's like, yeah, no shit.
It's fucking water.
But they're like just pointing out this bit,
complimentary.
$5,000 a fucking night to stay here.
The least you can do, give me some complimentary water.
Yeah, it's so true.
And sometimes it'll say like $13 water.
That was a thing.
They'll have like the complimentary ones,
like the little ones that.
That's like a thimble of fucking water.
And the little ones sometimes are even like warmer somehow.
It's like they, they want it to seem like maybe
it's been already used once
or something.
Yeah. Yeah. You're not that special. Someone else has run this around their mouth, spat
it back in and now you can have it for free.
Some Lord has been using this.
Seinfeld walked past this door. Now you get to have free water.
And then they'll have the larger cool bottle next to it. It'll say like still water or deceased water.
Deceased water.
And it's always in a sexy bottle.
It's like, well, I don't want that shitty water.
I want the sexy water.
And you have to remortgage your house to fucking pay for it.
Is this free water?
Yeah, yeah, that's free.
Thank you.
That's free.
We'll come in with a nicer one on a tray in a little bit.
How much would that cost me?
Dude, you know what's interesting about Celeste Barber?
Sure.
Nice to see you. Wow, you drink kind of like a...
Careful.
Beautiful, talented woman.
Thank you so much. Also, happy International Women's Day.
Is it today?
What do you fucking mean?
What do you mean?
I knew it was this year.
Yeah, once a year we get it.
We're allowed to be ladies once a year.
I'm so excited.
Yeah, are you celebrating?
Here, this is it.
Oh, that's awesome.
Educating you.
This is international.
Yes, it is. Yeah, and I'm excited to, that's awesome. Yeah. Educating you. This is international. Yes, it is.
Yeah, and I'm excited to learn about women and Australian women.
Yeah, because we've been here for a couple of weeks.
One thing that's interesting, you guys call it a toilet that I think is really.
What do you call it?
It's the bathroom, right?
Yes. Yeah.
Toilet is way more accurate, I was realizing, because nobody like bathes in there.
You don't ever go in there.
No. And there's somebody like, you know, like.
Yeah, right. You mean like at a restaurant.
Singing in the rain.
Gene Kelly's just sitting in there singing. Yeah, right.
You have to walk in there and there's an Indian guy who's like,
do you want some bubble bath? You know? So toilet is way more accurate. I really appreciate that.
I appreciate the accuracy of things here.
Actually, that is, yeah, that's true. When I'm in the States, I have been, you know,
in a restaurant or whatever and I'm like, hi, whereabouts is your toilet? Or I say,
have you guys got a toilet? And they're like, yes. Like, where is it? They're like,
the restroom is over there. Oh, right. They're like, why are you being so specific?
But even restrooms, it's like, if you walked in there and somebody was sleeping, just goldie
locking in there under the sinks or whatever, you would be so lost.
Just full of people with narcolepsy.
Just chilling out.
Like at the koala park.
Yes.
Have you done the whole koala park thing?
We went there.
A lot of them look, I want to say kind of semi-Korean, I want to say a little bit.
They're beautiful animals.
A lot of them are definitely unemployed, it looked like,
if you go in the one area where they're all just sleeping
in the fucking branches or whatever.
Yeah, did you touch one?
No, I didn't touch one.
Where did you see them?
Where did you go and?
We went to the Brisbane Forest Hills, not a cemetery, what's it called?
Sanctuary.
No, it's not a cemetery.
Yeah, sanctuary.
Yeah, right.
That'd be fucking weird.
It's just a Ouija board and they're like, we promise you're petting it.
And koalas are now endangered species in Australia after the hideous bushfires we had.
Yeah. So when you said that, I was like, oh God, that's heartbreaking.
My favorite animal. They're the fucking best.
Are you serious?
I know that's really cliched, but a few years ago I got to hold one and it was just,
it was unbelievable. Her name was Lucy and I fucking fell in love with her.
They're really heavy and really dense.
So they kind of cling, but then they turn like really good.
They can kind of turn.
They've got, they're really horny.
Oh, they're really?
Yeah, when they're on heat,
they were like chasing after my husband.
Oh yeah, like the Irish.
Yeah, and I'm like, bitch, back off.
Yeah, exactly like the Irish. Oh, the Irish are the, bitch, back off. Yeah, exactly like the Irish.
Oh, the Irish are the only humans that I feel like
get in a heat and they just can't handle it, you know?
You'll see them rubbing up against a damn hydrant
in the street.
Where have you been in Ireland?
Huh?
Where have you been?
Oh, Irish are everywhere.
All over.
Yeah, they'll pop up anywhere, but on the internet,
they have a lot of videos of Irish hydrant action
or whatever.
I have not seen a lot of that.
Now, at the park we went to,
they had, there was an instance, there's a lot of kangaroos, right? And a lot of them
are, I don't want to say opiates have hit the area or whatever, but there's a lot of
them that are resting a lot, right? Just lounging.
Yeah, but that's what you want. You don't want to be near them when they're not chilled.
They'll knock you the fuck out.
Like they're incredible.
So you wanna be around the ones that are chilled
in the restroom.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then there was one that got up.
I don't know if he wanted a midnight snack or what.
He was like waiting to meet the dealer it felt like.
Like he was huge.
He had a watch on, which I thought was kind of crazy.
He had a-
A couple of chains.
Yeah.
He had a woop bracelet on.
His tail had a, it was like diamond encrusted.
Like he was like the final boss.
It felt like-
Just called everyone bitch.
It was that guy.
I know that guy. Yeah.
Oh, he called me a f*** at one point.
I was like, we'll bleep that out, but he did.
Okay.
I felt horrible.
I was like, Jesus, what does he know about me that I don't know?
You know?
Yeah, I don't have a wife, but come on, guy.
Anyway, oh, being in Australia and nice to be in your country.
What other words are weird?
Restroom for you? Restroom.
You guys, the audiences are more nonchalant here.
Yeah, we kind of don't care.
Yeah.
It's interesting, like, you'll come out on stage and they,
they, maybe a couple people get up, you know?
Yeah.
It's so different in America.
I've noticed that.
When I'm over there on stage, it's the first, I reckon five, seven minutes.
I'm like, calm the fuck down.
Like sit down and then I can talk to you.
It's just, it's bananas.
But here in Australia,
kind of walk out and everyone's like,
all right bitch, prove it.
What do you got?
Oh, is that what they're thinking?
Yeah, we have this thing,
like a tall poppy syndrome in Australia
where you get too big, we'll cut you down,
we'll bring you back down to earth.
Oh, like that Petraeus, like who was that runner, that guy who killed his wife, was
that here?
No, that is not us.
That is the story.
Oscar Pretorius?
Yeah, no.
He was fucking horrible.
That was horrible, that whole thing.
No, he's not Australian.
He's South African.
Oh, yeah.
I fucking hope.
If he's not, don't run that African. Oh yeah. I fucking hope.
If he's not, don't run that because that's shit
if I say that that kind of-
But he's South African?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They shot him a second, he started getting fast.
Like, lift him, you know?
You gotta work for it here.
Oh really, yeah.
Yeah.
That's fair.
Yeah, we don't.
Celebrity culture, where are we at?
Oscar Bustori is granted parole
after serving 10 years for the murder of Reva Steenkamp.
Wow.
10 years isn't fucking enough.
I agree.
Especially on International Women's Day.
Fucking hell.
South African perils.
Which is just one day, remember?
Just today.
Yeah.
And I vote give them a couple days.
Yeah, right.
Even just like a day and a half. Like fuck off.
And they gave you, what is today, a Wednesday, Thursday?
It's Friday.
Oh, it is Friday.
But give these bitches a Saturday.
I know. Imagine if you gave us a Sunday.
No, we need to do small steps, guys. Small steps.
The peace. Bring that back up.
South African Paralympian Oscar Pistorius has been granted parole effective January 5th, 2024,
after serving 10 years for the 2013 murder
of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp,
known as the Blade Runner
for his carbon fiber prosthetic legs.
He went from a public hero to a convicted killer.
Wow.
That would be so crazy getting out of jail.
Fucking hell.
That guy needs to go back in, huh?
2013.
I didn't know that was...
Yeah, he needs to absolutely go back in.
The parole hearing took place at the Atteridge Correctional Center near the capital, Pretoria,
where Pistorius has served the majority of his sentence.
And what is he doing now?
Tell me he's not running again.
Is he just... he's trying to shut down International Women's Day, that's for sure.
That's for damn sure he is.
I'm not going to let him.
No.
Ms. Steenkamp's parents gave an interview to a British newspaper in February for the
10th anniversary of their daughter's death and said that they had not forgiven Pistorius.
No, me either.
Yeah, me neither.
That guy seemed like he just was...
Gross.
Yeah.
Oh, go away.
Up to no good.
No.
God.
Anyway, I really shouldn't have talked about that.
Anyway.
That's okay. Horny koalas. You're going to the States, so't have talked about that. Anyway, horny koalas.
You're going to the States, so you have a US tour.
Yeah, I have a US tour.
What does that feel like?
It's a lot going to another country and touring.
It is a lot.
I just find touring a lot.
I find the whole thing a lot.
It's a lot.
Yeah, but most of my audience is in the States, so, and most of the money's in the States.
Is it?
Yeah. So I go and do that.
I go, my first show is May 2nd for Netflix as a joke in LA.
Oh wow.
Opening night of the festival on stage at the same time
as Seinfeld down the road.
So I reckon six people will be at my show.
I don't know.
Seinfeld's getting older.
I'd go to Seinfeld.
Yeah.
I'm funny.
What if you're at Seinfeld?
Yeah.
Sign up on stage.
Sorry. Yeah. 100 meters down the road. Oh yeah, he's a legend. I think it just depends. Yeah, there's a good point. What if you're at Seinfeld? Yeah. Just sign up on stage. Sorry. Yeah. 100 meters down the road.
Oh yeah. He's a legend. I think it just depends. Yeah. There's just different, there's so many
different audiences now.
Right. Yeah.
You know?
The internet, right? It makes everything so much bigger and smaller.
Do you feel like, cause a lot of your popularity came off the internet, right? Like a lot of,
same for me, right? Like a lot of like, are people seeing me, right? Cause it's just getting people eyeballs to see you.
So did you feel like you had to make that up
when you get on the stage?
Because sometimes it's scary, I feel like.
Right.
If you get the publicity before you are.
Yeah, you gotta back it up.
Right.
Yeah, no, I absolutely felt that.
I kinda, I, it was really important to me
that I bridged that gap because the internet is free, right?
So, you know, you've got millions of followers
but it doesn't fucking cost them anything.
So how many followers do you, you know, how loyal
are people?
People are like, I love you, I love you
cause you're free bitch and you're in my hand
when I'm on the toilet, I'm good.
But then I wanted to see how that translated
and it translated very well, you know, sold out shows.
But I really wanted to prove my stripes
because I trained as an actor.
That was always my thing.
But I started the Instagram stuff
because I couldn't get a fucking job.
Yeah.
So I did that and then, you know, it blew up.
And I didn't want to just, yeah, like you say,
just kind of be on stage and people be like,
oh, you're better here.
So I wanted to make sure that it translates well.
It's so funny you say that there's something scary
in a way, I thought about this,
about people coming to see you live.
Cause you're like, if they already like me,
then all I'm doing is risking them not liking me.
Absolutely.
And it's fucking, there's something that's kind of
like harrowing about it.
Like there's times where I'm like, gosh, I just,
if they already like me, maybe we're good.
Yeah, like what the fuck am I doing?
Why am I, yeah, it's like, well, they like me
and now I'm going to do a tour to see if they really like me. So that's fucking
masochistic. Like what is that? Like prove it. Prove it that you like me. You know,
because the parodies and stuff I do on Instagram at first people are like, are you just going to
kind of come on stage and then just like change into different costumes? So I thought, you know,
it's that tricky thing of going, well, do I give an already excellent, strong audience
more of what I've already given them and what it seems like they want, or do I give them
what I think would be a better show?
So you know, yeah, like what the fuck do you do there?
I know scary.
Yeah.
And then just keep fucking going out and doing it.
And again, you know, you sell a show, you sell a tour, it goes really well.
And you're like, oh cool, they do like me,
but it's not enough.
So now I'm doing another fucking tour.
And now I'm panicking about that.
Like, what is that that we do?
It's so masochistic.
Just stop, just start selling water.
Yeah.
Yeah, make money that way.
Stop making things hard for yourself, Celeste.
Yeah, stop making things hard for yourself.
Yeah, I wonder, there's definitely, I have this thing,
I wanna make sure that I get to see every,
I'll go to all the, I'll try and go perform
at all the markets.
Some people will go to the big city, I'll go to,
I mean, you can't go to towns really,
but there's fantasy in my head
where I'm just on a bus like, and we just set up a tent
and we do the show in a town.
Just like, I just want to get every, I want to,
yeah, I want to interact with everybody.
You want to reach everybody.
But the weird thing is we do on our phones.
I know, I guess it's so ridiculous.
But I think I have this romantic version,
this old school version, you know?
Yeah, absolutely.
That I romanticize sometimes.
Have you done a tour bus?
Do you do tour buses?
Yeah, I've done a tour bus.
Oh, we've tried everything.
We tried the motorcycle with the little thing
on the side of it.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, we tried that and I was like sitting there
just holding a box of like t-shirts for merch.
Yeah, some caps, yeah.
We tried the camper van, like a family camper, you know, that you rent.
It's like $19 a day and it's basically just like a cage.
Oh yeah, and they don't go up hills.
They go, yeah, you got to jump out and kind of fucking push it up.
I know those.
There's nothing in there.
It's like an anytime fitness basically.
Yeah.
It's like an anytime fitness on wheels.
There's like two kettlebells in there and then there's just some like fucking.
And Chevy Chase just sitting in the front.
And some dangerous man complaining that the water fountain's broken.
Yeah. How many people do you tour around with?
My tour manager, Tim, and then two comedians, usually.
Yeah. Keep it.
So it's a pretty small group. But then if you get a production, like if you start to go into places
where you have to bring production places where you have to bring production
and then you have to bring like,
then there's other people that come,
but they are more of like the production side maybe.
But it's pretty interesting.
It's pretty interesting to see it and learn.
Yeah.
It's kind of scary though, some of the responsibility.
I think just with touring, it's like,
once you're like, okay, I'm really going to go do this.
Yeah.
I'm this guy now.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Now I'm, and it's supposed to be fun.
We did a tour bus 2018, massive fucking tour bus.
It had 12 bunks in it.
Oh yeah.
Had a massive bedroom out the back and it was me and my best friend slash tour manager.
And it was like a Janet Jackson backup dancer fucking bus.
And we just ran amok on it.
It was so fun.
Wow.
Yeah.
And you went all across Australia?
No, all around America.
No, we don't do tour buses here because it's too big.
The country's too big.
Yeah.
No, we did it all through America.
Fucking wicked.
I love tour bus.
Costs a packet though.
Yeah.
It's expensive.
When it came out of a sold out world tour, I was like, have I broken even?
And my manager's like, that fucking bus that you wanted.
That bus, you idiot.
But otherwise you're like walking or you're on a donkey.
You're at donkeys, lots of donkeys.
The last tour I did, 2022, I did 80 shows in three months.
Wow.
Like a fucking idiot.
Oh.
Like a fucking idiot. Oh. Like a fucking idiot.
And we were just playing.
So we were just, it was travel day, it was a show day, travel day, like,
averaged about 16 hours in every place.
It's so hard.
It's shit.
Yeah.
And you forget how much I need creature comforts, like, get to a point where you're like,
why am I still navigating how fucking doors work?
Because you're in a different place every time.
So some doors are pushed, some are running,
like it's so, so disconcerting.
Well you think the government, right?
Would get their shit together.
And I don't wanna say anything NATO or whoever the group,
you know, NAACP, I don't know who does it,
but whoever fucking make one door.
Right?
How fucking hard is it?
Outlaw some of those, like, some of those hinges
are kind of, I don't want to say,
I don't know what they are, they're just,
they're bisexual, I think.
Okay, I was gonna say they're shit.
Okay, well I just mean,
some of them are willing to do anything.
Right.
Yeah, and they're also super shit.
I know, we need one.
On International Women's Day,
let's get some fucking women making doors, I reckon.
And they'll swing when we need them to swing.
Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, we need some fucking women's doors, huh?
We need doors for women only.
Women's fucking doors.
It's about time.
In America, there's a lot of women that will say
that there's like a male glass ceiling on comedy and stuff.
Do you hear that here or no?
Do you feel like it's just?
Oh, a glass ceiling, yeah, absolutely, not a male.
Oh, what, that men have put it.
Or just a glass ceiling, but nobody says
that the glass ceiling's made out of men.
You know what I'm saying?
No, we know that though.
We know that, you know, because it's, yeah,
it's been made by men.
Good luck, well done with that though.
All those glass ceilings are made by the same person. They should get into
the fucking doors.
Does it feel like that in the, like in the Australia comedy scene, I guess, because I
don't know the scene that much. I have some friends here who are comedians, but I is knowing
the scene is totally different, you know?
Yeah, look, I, I started as an actor. I've always been funny, but I'm not like a comedian
that's been gigging for 25 years, you know what I mean?
Doing the 3 a.m. slot and all that sort of stuff.
So I kind of came up before acting in that sort of stuff.
Oh, so it's kind of a different avenue.
And Australia's really different to the States.
Like we don't have comedy clubs on every corner.
We have a handful of clubs.
We have like open mic nights at pubs or bars,
but it's nowhere near as big as it is in the States.
I did notice that when I got to America,
I went into a comedy club there
and I walked into the dressing room a few years ago
and I was like,
do you reckon we could take that massive life-size photo
of Bill Cosby down?
Is that cool?
And they were like, yeah, we can't.
It's kind of like drilled in.
And I fucking ripped it off the wall and shoved it behind the toilet.
It's like, really? Yeah.
Haven't been asked back there.
It's fine.
Some of them, you know, some of them, they're just, they're lost, I'll say.
Yeah.
They're obviously into a different type of entertainment.
And I play theaters now, so it's fine.
And he's obviously a hypnotist.
Yeah.
That's misunderstood, I think they say.
What if he just said, what if that had been his defense in court?
I'm just a really bad hypnotist.
So crazy.
Has he died?
I don't think he just went back out on tour.
No, he didn't.
I think Nick Swartzen's touring with him.
On International Women's Day, he's just jumped back out on tour.
So what just happened?
Are you telling me that his fucking tour went on sale the same day mine did?
On International Women's Day.
Fuck you Cosby.
So people can go see you.
So all your, just your Australia, New Zealand tour went on.
But America's on sale. Yeah.
So I'm in America, May, June.
And you start with the Netflix festival.
Netflix festival and then Phoenix and over to Washington and then fuck around for a bit.
It's tricky because I'm based here.
I've got a family here.
I've got a life here.
So I'm trying, this will be the fourth time I've done a world tour and I'm still trying to figure out
the best way to do it. I don't know, like the last one I did, I was saying, you know, I did a heap
of shows because I was like, just cram the fuckers in so I can just go get it all done and then get
home. But that was two, it's like still six or so weeks without seeing my kids. And I just finished
filming a show down here.
I don't live in Sydney, I live North.
So I was away from them.
They had three days to build the show
and then take it on to.
So that was all bananas.
So this time I'm trying to do like a couple of weeks
and then we're gonna have a week off.
So the family will come over, we'll hang out in Mexico
and then I'll go back out for like three weeks.
But it's just, it's hard to kind of navigate that.
It's hard being like a mom and all that.
But living on the other side of the world is really it's hard because most of my
audience is in America.
Yeah, I mean, my only child is my own depression usually.
And I've just that's I've got her as well.
Don't worry. But it's like outside of that little motherfucker,
I don't have to, you know, everything's pretty like,
I can't even imagine with a family.
And that goes with you everywhere as well.
You can't even leave her at home
if you want to go out on the road.
What do you do if you're depressed?
So how many children do you have?
I have two that came out of me,
but I also have two stepdaughters
that I've had for 20 years.
Yeah.
Like in Cinderella, are those stepdaughters?
I am, I'm Cinderella.
I am, yeah, I'm Cinderella. Of course. I've had the girls years. Yeah. And Cinderella, are those stepdaughters? I am. I'm Cinderella. I'm Cinderella.
Of course. I've had the girls since they were two and four. They're now 21 and 23. Okay. So they're not at the house like asking for
sandwiches and all. Oh, fuck no. When the eldest, Kaya, turned 18, I kicked the door in. Yeah. I went, happy birthday. Thanks. I went, get out.
So what do you mean?
I went, consider yourself raised.
Get the fuck out, out.
I love you, out.
And she was like, happy to.
Like, yeah, get out, I'm done.
I'm open this women's door for you.
Yeah, exactly.
Watch, it goes both ways.
Look at that.
Yeah, so, but now you have new offspring?
Yeah, I got two little dudes.
I got a nine-year-old who turns 10 on Monday and a 12-year-old, two boys.
And do they think it's interesting that you're this funny lady?
Like what is their concept of their mother as a comedian?
Do they have that?
Do they have a concept of it or?
I think they see it as my job. I will say though that my 12 year old, my kids are really fucking funny too.
Like I don't think anything's funny and I think they're fucking funny.
Oh yeah.
It's really cool.
So now that you know, he's 12, he he's kind of getting it a bit more.
He'll like, I'll say something to my husband and he'll over here and he'll be like, oh mom.
I'm like, yeah, bitch, welcome. Like I'm a massive deal. Like I'll say something to my husband and he'll over here and he'll be like, oh mom. I'm like, yeah bitch, welcome.
Like I'm a massive deal. Get on board. It's great. Yeah.
So they, yeah, they kind of.
Oh, it must be cool when you're,
if your kid starts saying and your kid starts entertaining you kind of low key.
That must be pretty freaking interesting because then it's like, oh, I made that.
Absolutely. Yeah. But then when they're really annoying, I'm like,
oh I fucking did that too.
Oh yeah.
Like I see, you know, a lot of myself obviously in them
and I'm like, yeah, that's gonna be tricky for you, mate.
I went through that.
That's gonna be hard for you.
Oh. That awkward.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Oh, growing up is so awkward.
Like, do you remember whenever you got breasts or whatever?
Like. Always had them.
I was born with them. Were you really?
Yeah, it was a baby with tits. It feels like it.
Hold on. Some politician will bet on you.
OK, wow. And he's about to hit puberty, my boy.
No, yeah, it's and what do you start to change the furniture around the house
or anything? You put up like a scratching post.
I come to Sydney for a month and I say to my husband,
fucking sucked in.
Enjoy that.
Or I ask him a lot.
I'm like, he's been in the bathroom for ages.
Is this a thing?
And he's like, just chill.
It's fine.
So I...
He's peeing.
Yeah, he's actually peeing.
I'm like, I don't know if he is.
He's getting a really deep pee out.
Yeah.
Just walk past his bedroom.
You got to get him a scratching post or something. Like one of those cat posts, you know pee out. Yeah, just walk past his bedroom.
You gotta get him a scratching post or something,
like one of those cat posts, you know, like.
Yeah, true.
I wish, yeah, a lot more parents to do stuff like that
or get some breasts that you nail onto the wall or something.
But isn't that what boys do?
Don't they just sort it out themselves?
In some tribes, the brother will teach the younger brother how to masturbate.
So it's like, doesn't seem like a shameful thing.
It seems like this is a way that things are done in our culture, you know?
Yeah, right.
Are those tribes also in Ireland?
I'm not sure if they could. I don't know if it's a taught thing. In all my experience,
you boys just figure it the fuck out. But you don't though. That's the problem. You
just go out into the woods or you go into like some corner. Go back to the woods. Or
you hide in a hamper at a friend's house, you know. That was a big... In their mom's
bathroom just thinking. hot. 100%.
We had this one kid, bro, if you ever needed him,
he was in my one buddy had a hot mom,
he was in their hamper all the time.
Oh my God.
Crack it open, he'd be in there.
Oh God.
You got a fucked up mate.
Just making organic beverages, dude.
That guy was a real dirt ball. And he still is, honestly.
I think he's buying bars.
I wanna update everybody that we had a lawsuit
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I saw that the Just For Laughs Festival,
speaking of comedy festivals, was going out of business.
Did you go ever go with that?
I did Montreal a couple of times.
You did?
Yeah, I only heard that the other day.
2024 Just For Laughs Comedy Festival cancelled company seeks creditor protection. Wow.
I am. Can you keep scrolling? Is that just in Montreal? Cause we have one in Australia. We
have in Sydney, JFL. Has that been canceled? Good question. The Montreal company that operates
the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival has canceled the 2024 edition of the event.
Wow. So 2024 Montreal is canceled.
Which when is, sorry, I'm learning things today.
When is it usually on? I should know.
I've played it.
I believe it's in-
In like a few months, right?
So that's late to cancel.
Like is everyone, fuck that.
They must have made just realize it's not going to work.
A formal process under Canada's, Like, is everyone... Fuck that. They must have made just realize it's not going to work.
A formal process under Canada's has canceled the 2024 edition of the event after filing
a notice of intention to make a proposal to creditors.
75 people were laid off Tuesday morning according to a festival spokesperson who called the
company's financial situation unsustainable.
Yeah, festivals are tricky.
The company cited lost revenues during the two years of the global pandemic and challenges
facing the media industry, particularly reduced budgets at networks and streaming platforms
as reasons for restructuring.
Wow, it's kind of wild when things like that start to go away.
But I think like things like Just For Life, they're not as much of a launching pad for
entertainment anymore for comedians. And that not it's of a launching pad for entertainment anymore, for comedians.
And it's not a money making vehicle.
I've always found it quite weird.
I don't really do festivals.
Again, because I didn't come up through stand up.
But that idea of going, there's 300 shows on over four days.
Yes, too much.
In two streets, two blocks.
And each comedian's gotta try and push their own
fucking show up against that.
Like I didn't, I always found it kind of weird.
And I know so many of my mates do those festivals.
They're like, it's fucking impossible to sell,
try and sell out even, you know, 300 seats.
It's impossible because my mates down the street, it's just,
yeah, it's really hard.
It's like every venue in the world is selling tickets on the same night. It almost does
seem kind of ridiculous. It's like, what if all your major sports teams played on the
same night?
Exactly. Well, they'd never do that with sport. No, not sacred sport, but with the arts and
comedy. F**king hell. Figure it out, you weirdos, we don't give a shit.
Sport!
We went to a Sydney Swans game yesterday.
Yeah, good, like it?
Yeah, it was cool.
AFL.
Yeah, AFL, it's like soccer and rugby kind of a little bit.
It's...
Yeah, rugby union, do you mean?
Not rugby league.
I don't know, I couldn't tell what the, it's kind of an interesting sport.
You can't tell what sport it is.
It seems like they're trying to play every sport at once.
And they're incredible.
Like, I don't really follow AFL, but when I do see it and, you know, talking to people who love it,
they're incredible fucking athletes.
They just never stop just pinning it around
and throwing and kick it.
Like it's not you run, you stop, you sit, you go again.
Like it's nonstop.
It's amazing to watch.
Yeah, it kind of has like a soccer aspect
because it keeps moving.
Do your boys play sports or no?
Yeah, my oldest boy loves rugby league,
but I've pulled him out.
Well, he's not going to do it for a year.
He wants to, you know, get his shit together.
So we started doing rugby union instead.
I fucking hate it.
What is rugby union?
What's the difference?
Oh, could someone else bring this up?
Here we go.
Rugby league is, I don't know how to describe the difference.
Cause if you watch it, it looks very similar.
There's, oh, everyone listening who knows sports
is going to be like this bitch,
trying to tell us about fucking union.
Listen up, fellas. This is how it is.
It's International Women's Day.
You're good.
I know I'm bored because it's sport.
But, um, well, there you go.
Did you play sports when you were growing up?
No.
Really?
I danced.
You did?
You were trained dancer.
Sure.
Not trained, but like as a kid, dance, you know, every day of my life up until I was 16, fucking loved it.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Well, my main goal in life was to be a Janet Jackson backup dancer.
Oh.
I love her so much.
God, it's so beautiful. Yeah.
I have never met her before. I've had dreams where I've met Tito Jackson.
Oh, how'd that go?
Yeah.
It was like at a recovery meeting,
but I still got to meet, I got introduced to him twice.
In these dreams?
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
It's very specific.
Yeah.
No, I'm obsessed with Janet.
I saw her 1998 Velvet Rope Tour in Brisbane.
Nuh-uh.
Changed my fucking life.
Where were you at?
Where was my seat?
Like, row Z, seat 87.
What had a better seat in the fucking car park?
I didn't care.
Changed my life.
And what were you wearing?
Just your young breasts?
Yeah, just baby tits and jeans.
I don't know if we can say that.
We probably won't say that, I reckon.
I'm happy to stay for the edit if that helps.
I'm available all of a sudden.
No, I'm obsessed with her,
but even more so her backup dancers.
Yeah, because it's so much to be a backup dancer
because you're right there.
You're right on the cusp of the star.
You're smelling their fucking breath.
Yeah, but you-
If they fart, you're in it.
Absolutely, but you need to know your place.
So you need to know that when Janet breaks off from the group
and does her thing, that's when you can go,
and you know if I can go ham,
but when she comes back,
you gotta make sure you fall in line.
I think a lot about Taylor Swift's backup dancers.
I think about them a lot.
I went and saw her a few weeks ago.
You did?
Yeah. And did you go alone? No, I went and saw her a few weeks ago. You did? Yeah.
And did you go alone? No, I took my nine year old niece.
Beautiful. Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.
Do you think some women went alone? No, no, I think, I think people went in fucking
cults together to that. And with their cauldrons. Oh, fucking hell. No, I don't think there was anyone there alone. And if they went alone,
they didn't leave alone. Like it was a lot. But I think about her backup dancers, because
she's on tour at the moment, biggest tour in history. And Beyonce's on tour, biggest
tour in history. And you just fucking know that Taylor Swift backup dancers also auditioned for that Beyonce tour.
That's tough.
There's a lot of skipping around.
They come out on push bikes.
They bring out pumpkins and do like liturgical.
It's a, it's, I was like-
And you don't notice half the shit they do.
Next thing you know, one of them, yeah, just has like a, they'll have a stuffed animal,
they'll have a bassinet.
100%.
You know, one of them will have a drum, one of them will be just, you know, landing their
ass on the other one or something.
And before you know it, it just, they have to keep it moving.
But you re, I really noticed it.
And I really noticed the backup dancers when Taylor would dance with them.
I'm like, oh, that's, I might want to re-chore that.
And be right there in it.
Taylor's unbelievable, obsessed with her.
I think she's incredible.
Is she a dancer?
No.
Mate, she's not a dancer.
But she is a hype woman.
Yeah, and she dances in front of 100,000 people,
the way that I used to dance in my bedroom alone
when I was nine, and I have fucking respect for that.
That's what I think it is.
I think even when you see her just like at other shows,
you see her dancing, you see
her having a good time.
She has all teeth and elbows.
Yeah.
But you go, great.
I love that for you.
Yeah.
Those backup dancers.
You can tell they're like.
You think some of them like, that could be me.
Do you think some of them have to leave the tour because their ego gets too big?
That must happen.
I reckon some of them have to do a drop in dance class once a week just to really hone
their craft because they're not getting it on stage.
Yeah, they have to dumb it down almost, huh?
Maybe. Yeah. You got to be careful what you say about Taylor.
Because the Swifties will come for you and skin you alive.
Really? Are they bad?
I'm not worried for you. I'm fucking worried for me.
You talked about tits on a baby. You're already fucked. I go for Taylor.
I don't think we should.
Yeah.
No, that's gone.
Look, I'm okay with a lot of surgeries.
I don't think that's one of them.
No, Taylor.
Yeah.
I think she's great.
I just don't know if she's a dancer.
Some of the stuff you see at the shows is you will see a lot of people filming
their child, trying to get their child on to like,
look Taylor, this is little Dino or whatever.
Phoebe, yeah.
Yeah, you know, yeah, this is Chloe and she's your,
you know, and Chloe's- Biggest fan.
Biggest fan and she's like eating a bowl
of fucking glitter or something.
Tears, yeah.
Tears and resentment.
Three and a half hour concert.
Wow.
Fucking hell, that's a lot.
I went to the bathroom at one point
and I came back to my niece and I said,
oh, Taylor's, she got changed during this song.
And my niece went, no, it's a different song.
And I went, it's fucking not.
It's all the same.
Thought it was the same song.
She's like, no, it's a completely different song.
Oh yeah. Yeah, I was so high one. She's like, no, it's a completely different song. Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I was so high one time I went to Green Day and the opening band performed and I thought
that was Green Day.
Who was your opening band?
Dua Lipa or something?
I think it was like Chingy or something.
Oh wow.
Did you leave after it?
That was great.
I was on my way out.
That was great.
There's heaps of cabs available like an Uber.
This is awesome.
I was on my way out. That was great. There's heaps of cabs available like in Uber. This is awesome.
I was on my way out.
What else is going on?
Oh yeah.
So one thing that people love about you obviously so much is just like, like bucking like the
beauty trend and like taking on beauty in like such a ridiculous way.
Is it like beauty kind of, or is it just like, what is like the fulcrum of like what you feel like you kind of like
like to pinpoint because you have so many videos uh of shit that's like yeah like somebody in the
rain drinking a soda just like things it's like that normally they make it look all sexy and
erotic you know and you just kind of make it look like real humans like what if we all did this
yeah i think kind of like taylor swift's dancing. Like what if we all did this? Yeah, I think because-
Kind of like Taylor Swift's dancing.
Exactly the same, Taylor and I are the same.
We're exactly the same.
We're like in dance.
I think just that whole idea of unrealistic ideals
of women being sold as realistic.
Yeah.
Like before social media, you know, you get a magazine or whatever you see in the media.
Magazine drawing yourself.
Yeah.
You're like, Oh, it's Cindy Crawford being fucking amazing.
She's on a motorbike on it in a bikini on the Empire State building, drinking a Pepsi.
You know what that is?
It's an edited thing and that's what it's been sold as. Then kind of social media came out and similar ideas are being pushed, but it's like,
this is what I look like dropping the kids off at school or like this is my morning routine.
And it's 4am and she's in a bikini and she's doing yoga on a beach. She's got a green juice
and her kids are, you know, gorgeous and just doing school drop off. I'm like,
bitch, that's not what fucking school drop-off looks like.
Yeah.
That idea of it being sold is, it just...
It's trash.
It's just, you know what?
It's fucking hard because then when you get it on your phone,
you already hate yourself.
And it's 3 a.m. and you're breastfeeding your child who won't fucking breastfeed,
but you have to breastfeed him because if you don't breastfeed them, you're a shit mom.
You may as well give them a fucking meth pipe
because that's something else we have to be doing.
And he's also 11, which is a little crazy.
Exactly, and he fucking hates you.
Yeah.
And you're scrolling through your phone
and then you see these images
and they get into that psyche.
I was like, that's bullshit.
Oh yeah, it's like, why do I have to feel bad suddenly?
Already feel bad,
but at least I can put the fucking magazine down or turn the fucking TV off.
Yeah.
And then we get these in our hands and if you put that down, you'll fucking explode.
And they just peppered. And I was like, nah, I call bullshit to that. I call absolute bullshit to that. I still do.
Yeah. And then here's the worst part is I think that then your brain starts to feel bad or something.
Then you release some like thing in your breast milk and now your kid fucking feels bad.
Yeah, absolutely.
Your kid's all fucking pissed or whatever.
100%.
Because some chick with no kids is fucking, you know,
showing her tits and you're a toaster oven or whatever, making breakfast.
Yeah, exactly. She's not making that breakfast.
or whatever, making breakfast. Yeah, exactly. She's not making that breakfast.
But I also wanted to show the other, like, I'm sure there are people out there that do
sail on a yacht to drop their kids off to school in bikinis and are incredible, but
not everyone's like that. And that's not represented. It's not represented. So...
Kind of true, huh? Why do we get afraid, I think, to share whatever is probably really real? I guess... I think it's not represented. So kind of true, huh? Why do we get afraid? I think to share whatever is probably really real, I guess.
I think it's shifting though.
Yeah.
And I think maybe because it's boring, it's not aspirational and we have to constantly,
especially if, you know, in the public eye or in the media, got to be aspirational.
Someone asked me an interview yesterday, well, what's next? You know, you got a world tour, you're doing this, you're
doing that. So I'm going to lie the fuck down. That's what I want to do. I want to try and
figure out how to live one day without anxiety and sleep for longer than four hours. Like
that's a goal of mine. Doesn't always have to be, I'm going to do this, I'm going to
do that, I'm going to do this and do that, I can do this.
And that's the stuff for social media too.
Yeah. Well, I think there's, it's definitely creates a world of like, I have to do something
else.
Yeah. What's next?
What's next?
Because people have seen it next, seen it next, seen it next. Even like in TV now with
streamers consume television on streaming services, the way we consume TikTok.
And this is one of the craziest things that happened.
You start to not even value,
you don't even realize how much production
goes into television stuff.
So people don't even value it as much anymore.
They value it as like,
if this doesn't get my attention pretty quick
or I'm not in, I move on.
It's almost like you scroll past it
and to think that
that much production and time and creativity and everything would go into a program and
you would just scroll right past it. It's one of the reasons I think why like even JFL
is saying that there's problems because there's just tightening budgets at all those places because they can't figure out how to make it
where people are sticking around, you know?
Yeah, and people want everything for free.
But that's, you know, that's what the industry
and, you know, society, social media,
all that sort of stuff is put out there.
It's like, if you don't binge this show in two days,
you're a fucking idiot because we've got 40 other shows
that are coming up that everyone else is watching.
So you have to, you have to kind of keep up watching it.
And if you don't, well then aren't you a loser.
How dare you watch one episode a day, fuckhead.
That's the whole thing.
And then it totally-
Who cares if your children can't read
this fucking second episode of Gris Zelda,
you little bitch.
Bridgerton 65 is coming out.
You're not onto it yet.
Yeah.
And that's, I think that really dilutes the quality
of what we see because Bridgerton, for example,
you watch that, it drops and you binge it in two days.
And then everyone loves it.
And they're like, you have to make another one.
So instead of going, all right, well, let's go and develop some scripts. We'll get some writers out. And then everyone loves it. And they're like, you have to make another one.
So instead of going, all right,
well, let's go and develop some scripts.
We'll get some writers out.
Oh, we're gonna, you know, what draft do you usually shoot on?
Oh, 10th draft, fuck that.
Second draft, shooting draft, go, go.
Elizabeth needs yellow fever or whoever the characters are.
Yeah, exactly.
And just absolutely dilute the quality of it.
Put Bridgerton in a fucking coma
and let's fucking keep it moving.
Episode one, but episode two, fucking bring them out, keep going.
Yeah, things start to lose quality because we want things so fast.
Yeah. It used to be, you know, it's always been a tough industry and challenging.
I kind of like that about it, but it's fucking brutal now.
Like, and what is the acting side? Yeah, trying to get-
That seems impossible.
Trying to, like I had a show on Netflix that went really well.
It fucking killed.
Yeah, well made.
Yeah, it went really well and it didn't get renewed.
And they said because of numbers, but the numbers were really good.
You just have to keep up and it's And you can only control that so much.
And a lot of these people making those choices
have no idea.
Our accountants.
Well, they are just, yeah, they have no idea what's cool.
And that's also one of the things that I do like about
people being able to make their own content
and have their own voices because those people thought they knew everything
Yeah, and they don't know shit and now their old festivals are falling apart
Their networks are making shit that nobody's paying attention to
I think it's uh, I think it's part of the problem
I mean, I'm probably's part of the problem.
I mean, I'm probably a little jaded too, you know,
similar thing happened to me, but it's like,
they tried to get so, I don't know.
And in the US, like the Comedy Central got so woke
and everything, they put on people that weren't even fucking
comedians making shows, it was just like, and it,
and then now they'll like give, they want to come in
and offer you like $500 to come make a show with them.
Like get fucked.
Yeah, yeah.
With special.
Absolutely.
They're like, we're going to give you 16 cents for your special.
I'm like the one that I sold out worldwide and made a fuck ton of money on.
You can't have that.
I know.
You can't have that.
Yeah, was that, did that feel kind of scary?
Because I guess when you're an actor, getting a show is such a huge thing, huh?
Yeah, it was awesome. I fucking loved it. It was so fun.
I have to watch it. I haven't seen it. I just saw that you had. I know that you did it and that's all I know.
I was executive producer on it as well, which I fucking loved.
Really? Did you get one of those little chairs with the black back on it?
No, I didn't. Fucking hell, I should have got that. Oh, well, I got an ego though. Yeah. A massive ego from it. I just loved it.
I was, you know, it was a show that was built around me.
It was a dream situation.
It was a book that was then turned into a show
and they wanted to build it around me
and had awesome people on it and we made it
and it was fucking wicked.
I loved it.
I loved it.
I loved the story as well of being a woman, 41 now, you know, on screen
being big and loud and flawed and annoying and weird and exciting. And then before we're talking
about audiences and people come up to me and say, just like women, they're like, I fucking saw myself
in that character. We don't see that much, right? And so I love that.
So I really, really would have loved to have extended that
and given more to that story
and seen more in that character,
as well as being the lead in a fucking show
for a second season and executive producer.
Like, I'm not hiding that.
I enjoyed that.
So the whole experience was awesome.
Well, it sounds like it.
I want to go back and watch it. I like some Australian shows.
I like Bondi Rescue and I like, you know, Chris Lilly shows.
Yeah. Have you seen all of his stuff? Like from the beginning?
I think I've seen everything. The problem is, well, Netflix took half of their, they used to have it up.
Have you seen Summer Heights High? Yeah.
And have you seen We Can Be Heroes?
Stop looking at my dick.
Yeah.
Fuck you, miss.
Sorry for saying fuck you, miss.
Mr. G, Mr. G.
Oh, it's so good.
She's a naughty girl with a bad habit, a bad habit for drugs.
Ecstasy.
Ecstasy.
I fucking love him.
Did you see We Can Be Heroes?
That was his first one.
We can be heroes.
We have Australian of the Year in Australia.
Yes, I have seen it.
It takes place at a school as well.
Well, it's all, again, different characters
all over Australia who are nominated
to be Australian of the Year.
Yes.
And he plays all of them.
It's worth watching. I'll have to go back and watch it again. Yeah, go he plays all of them. It's worth watching.
I'll have to go back and watch it again.
Yeah, go and find it for sure.
It's great.
Yeah, the only place I can find
somewhere I tie was on like YouTube in like,
and it's somebody else watching it on their television
and then putting the episode up.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Where was it?
It's very Vietnamese.
Where was it?
Was it on Netflix?
No, this was on YouTube.
It used to be somewhere good.
But remember they tried to cancel him here.
That was the dumbest shit ever.
He's a fucking legend.
Chris is hilarious.
Yeah, I don't know.
I kind of dropped off after Summer Heights High for no fucking reason.
I just, I didn't really see much of that stuff after that.
So good.
Yes, I did.
What was his year 12s?
And Nathan, those brothers. Fuck, that was funny.
Nathan!
Like screaming and he's next to him.
And what about when the other kid comes up that's like a better dancer than him?
It was so fucking crazy.
Mr. G, that character.
And Jermay.
So good.
So good.
God, that. So good. So good.
God, that was so good.
It's just, that was like the Seinfeld of Australia,
I feel like in a way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause it's so on the nose and perfect.
You're like, could anything get more perfect than that?
Yeah.
Did you ever watch? I got to meet him once.
Oh yeah, right.
Yeah. I got to meet him once and I was so, yeah.
It was just, yeah. Was it awesome meeting him? I've never met him. Yeah, it was awesome. He came on the podcast last and I was so, yeah. It was just, yeah.
Was it awesome meeting him?
I've never met him.
Yeah, it was awesome.
He came on the podcast last time I was in Australia.
Great.
Yeah, it was super.
I came downstairs in the hotel
and he's just kind of standing off to the side kind of.
Like kind of has this like,
kind of like shyness, I guess.
Curious kind of guy.
I'm interested that he did your podcast
because I don't think he does much, does he? I don't think he does a lot of did your podcast because I don't think he does much.
I don't think he does a lot of stuff like that.
I felt super stoked about it.
I'm going to try to get to say hey to him before I leave town.
He said he's out of town right now.
But yeah, right.
He's funny guy.
Yeah.
Did you ever do like see Kath and Kim?
Kath and Kim.
Kath and Kim is another Australian show that's fucking brilliant.
It's about like suburban Australia. Sean and Marley I Australian show that's fucking brilliant. It's about suburban Australia.
Sean and Marley, I like, have you seen them?
No.
It's like recipes and Down syndrome basically.
It's like a little...
Is it Australian?
Yeah.
I don't know that.
It's good.
Yeah, it's quality form content.
Good telly.
Good telly.
Sean is more of bit of bit. He can get a little agitated sometimes if the vegetables aren't right. Hang on
Wait, is this a TV? Oh, it's YouTube
This is YouTube
It's really great. Let me yeah, let's so Sean and Marley one of them has Down syndrome, I believe and
I believe they are I don't know if they're Christian or not, but they're
Asian And I believe they are, I don't know if they're Christian or not, but they're Asian. Well, we can't watch it, but they're great though if you get to see them.
Really wonderful.
What else are you thinking about?
What else am I thinking about?
My kid's got a football game this afternoon.
Are you going to make it?
No, the second half.
Yeah, mom.
Yeah.
He said to me on the phone, he's like,
mom, will you make it to the game? My nine year old.
I went, look, my flight gets in like 20 minutes before you start.
Because that's okay, you can just come to the second half.
I was like, you're the fucking best, man.
That was nice of him.
He's fucking wicked.
Dude, my mom would sit out in the outfield in a van,
and she would say hit
it or we're leaving and she would fucking lay on the horn.
What did you play?
Play baseball.
Right.
Hit it or we're leaving.
And we would.
Because she didn't want to wait for the second time for the baddest to go around.
Right.
She's got shit to do.
Because I didn't get to play much in the field.
They would put me out there but it was like they didn't want me out there.
Did you like it?
I didn't like it.
What, being in the outfield or playing at all?
I just didn't like being out there, I guess.
I don't know.
There was things I didn't like about it, I guess.
I didn't like the heat out there.
Yeah, it's long too.
You always feel like you're supposed to do yard work.
You feel like a farmer, you're out there with all this land.
Right.
And like left field, you don't have any seed,
you don't have any mules, you're like.
Bucking around.
Yeah, you're like this.
With your own thoughts. That's never good when you've got depression, man.
You're like, this farm sucks.
I'm just wondering where the nearest fucking bridge is.
This isn't good for me.
And then long games, right?
Baseball, long.
Oh, so long.
It's like cricket, fucking long.
Oh, cricket seems unbelievably ridiculous.
It seems like they shouldn't do it.
That's what it seems like to Americans.
Right, and it also seems like they don't really do it.
I'm like, you don't do fucking much.
Yeah.
And then all of a sudden something happens
and everyone shits themselves.
Like, no, like four people of the 50,000 people
that are fucking standing out there playing
get excited for 10 minutes and everyone goes home.
Yeah.
And it's all across the news.
I'm like, what happened?
And it lasts for like three days too.
Yeah, isn't there like a 10 day test?
Yeah, it goes forever.
That's crazy. There's like an Indian, it kind of reminds me of an Indian wedding.
A lot of Indian weddings are like that.
Yeah, but they look fun.
Oh yeah, I think it's a lot more fun than a game of cricket probably.
I think anything is a lot more fun than a game of fucking cricket.
Thank you.
I really do.
I've been wanting to say that, but I think I'll always be afraid to say it because I'm like, oh, people are going to get pissed.
Yeah, you probably can't say it.
But you know what?
Fuck that, man.
I'll say this.
The shit looks fucking ridiculous.
The helmet looks absolutely insane.
It looks unbelievably bad.
How do you feel about American football then?
Because they look like fucking idiots.
You know what?
I think I kind of agree with you.
There's this clip on YouTube of NFL players
watching rugby league games.
And because it's fucking brutal league,
like they have some cutting.
Oh yeah, rugby seems way more.
But they run at each other and they just,
you know, demolish each other.
That's why all my kids doing it.
But it's really funny footage of these massive NFL players
going, what the fuck?
They can't believe it.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, that's illegal.
That's a spear tackle.
10 in the bin.
Oh, fuck.
Oh my God, it's so full on. Look out mate, behind you. Oh my God. It's so full on. Look out mate behind you.
Oh my God. It makes my penis hurt.
Yeah, it should. Makes my penis hurt. Fuck.
Good God.
And then he's got to get him. Oh, it's really brutal.
Yeah, when I see a lot of pain, I feel it in my genitalia.
Yeah, right.
Is that a weird thing you think that happens to people?
I think men just talking about their genitalia in general,
kind of weird.
Yeah, sorry about that.
That's okay.
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Yeah, how weird is it, I guess, if your child's going through puberty, you gotta
like, you gotta fuck. Do you have to sit down with them? What do parents do?
Like, do you ever talk with your husband about how to do that?
Yeah, it goes like this. Fucking talk to him. That's how I do it.
Really?
I try and talk to him. We got an email from his school saying, just so you know, this term we're doing,
like sex ed, we're gonna be talking about.
Yeah.
And I said to my son, sucked in,
you're gonna get it at school.
We do, we try and talk to it,
but they know fucking hell, kids know shit.
Yeah, they know, but I think sex ed
is when it gets really weird,
because then it's like
Somebody is talking about it. Um, and everybody's in the same room at the same time and they had a doll I remember they passed around like a doll
in our class, which was crazy. I'm like
people are like
Abusing this doll kind of like and there was a male doll and a female doll like I'm
But I think it's because you remember that energy.
Did you have to go to sex ed?
I, I don't remember it at all.
What?
Yeah.
I don't remember.
Maybe I wasn't at school when it was happening.
We have this thing in Australia called healthy Harold and this fucking van comes
around to each school and Harold is the character, he's a giraffe and you go into the
healthy Harold van and they have like figurines and it's like this is what a uterus looks like
or like this is what like skin can like skin or you know like eyes.
It's like a little petting zoo.
But then I remember healthy Harold comes, it's a lot.
And then Healthy Harold comes back
and then they talk about sex ed.
And I didn't, maybe I didn't go, isn't that weird?
I don't remember the whole, you know,
Healthy Harold.
Condom on a banana thing.
I don't remember any of that.
Maybe I just skipped it.
Well, that's pretty interesting
that they use a giraffe to do it and he comes around.
And my poppy's name was Harold as well.
So I was like, I'm fucking good not learning about this
in a weird dark van.
We are getting into a van, I think,
but that's happened to a lot of people
who have gotten into a van.
And learn a lot of shit. Learn a lot of shit in a van
Just not a bad idea almost like an ice cream truck that just goes around with facts about sex
Yeah, you just need to get parents to sign off on it. Yeah, you're laughing
Yeah, we we do try to talk to my boy a bit about it
Yeah, like that's it that that's just thing. I would wonder you like what do you and what's the school saying?
Like beware like it's I thing I would wonder. And what's the school saying? Like beware, like it's a shoo-billy month or whatever?
Yeah, it's not.
You think it's International Women's Day, it's not.
It's we're teaching your kid about shit.
I know, so it was just kind of letting us know
that they're gonna be talking about a menstrual cycle.
No!
Yeah, I'm full on at home with that with my boys.
I'm in a house full of dicks, so I'm like, I talk about that a lot.
I'm like, I'm getting my period, everyone look alive and like, everyone, gird your loins.
Because yeah, I'm firing some fucking warning shots.
Because it's not looking good for any of you guys for a while.
Wow.
But now my nine-year-old will be like,
Mom, did you want something to eat?
If I'm like, I've got my period.
Really? Do you want something? Yeah, I I'm like, I've got my period.
Really?
Do you want something?
Yeah.
I got good kids.
Wow.
Yeah.
Raising good boys.
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
That's sweet.
That's nice.
I also have heard my husband walk into the kitchen and say to my boys, boys, it's fucking
back off.
Get out of here.
I can hear him whispering, like, get out of here.
It's not good.
Take it easy today, guys.
Yeah.
Wow. Yeah. And will
you guys have any more children you think? No. No. Oh so less. No I've got a hundred. I'm good. I do
have moments so when I'm really busy with work and I'm like maybe if I just have a baby I don't have
to do any of this. Yeah. I just stop and just have a baby because that's easy. People have babies all
the time I think just so they can get out of work or maybe get out of work or something
or not have to do something. Men do that, women don't do that. You think? Yeah, that's
a men thing. That's a woman thing. So men are like, I'll have this baby and then it'll
make it. Let's have a kid. It's just easier. The woman's like, yeah, sure. Then she does
it. She's like, I fucking hate you man man. I hate everything about you. Men will do that, huh?
Yeah.
Fuck, dude.
We're sick.
We're sick, man.
I do think about that though, sometimes.
And my youngest really wants me to have another baby because he wants to be a big brother.
But I'm hoping my stepdaughters will help him get pregnant.
I'm like, that will work for me.
Yeah.
As long as somebody kind of fulfills that space a little bit,
I think that's super important.
Yeah.
Um, what else was saying?
Oh, there was a bunch of beauty tips I was going to ask you,
because so many things you went through, like with about like beauty
and different things we're talking about, like a lot of your videos.
Do you have a?
That's not me.
This is not, you know, but go on, bring that back up, though.
What is some of these?
I just wanted to think, what do you think about some of these new ones that people are doing?
Nose blush.
I don't know.
What? You just make your nose pink.
Yeah, I think it's sweeping bright blush across your face, onto your nose.
And I think...
Highlight. I don't...
Who wants to highlight the bridge of their nose?
I think it started probably with COVID or something, probably because people were sick anyway.
Ha ha ha ha.
So I think people were like,
I might as well fucking look really bad.
Snails, fuck off.
That's not a thing.
Snail skincare, yeah, this is where,
I guess, yeah, people are putting snails,
and this must be a, this is Asian thing, yeah.
Popularizing Korea spread across Asia.
The texture of the snail slime on your face
is already giving us the heebie-jeebies.
Actually a snail on your face would feel fucking wild, huh?
Yeah, I could feel that in a very specific part of my spine.
That's weird.
It would be the actual, for me,
the slow movement of the snail.
I'm just not interested.
I'm happy.
I would rather look like a hat full of assholes than fucking sit through that. I'm just not interested. I would, I'm happy. I would rather look like a hat full of assholes
than fucking sit through that.
I'm not doing that.
Imagine a hat full of assholes.
And it's not even a movement.
It's just a casual.
Yeah.
Like.
Never ending.
Yeah.
Oh, that almost seems kind of nice.
I think it depends on where you put it at.
Yeah.
That was quite nice.
If you put, yeah, like I don't know if it's soothing or not though.
You know what my friend Caleb told me? Yeah. That was quite nice. Yeah, like I don't know if it's soothing or not though. Flower beads.
You know what my friend Caleb told me?
He told me that this is the neatest thing I've ever heard.
That you can look at anything
and know what it will feel like on your tongue.
Because when you were a baby,
you put everything in your mouth.
What?
I can look at anything.
Like you can look at anything like material or anything and you can know what it feels
like on your tongue.
Yeah, right.
That's kind of cool.
It's crazy.
You can look at anything you like.
But he said it's because you tried everything when you were a child.
That doesn't kind of check out because like when I look at those lights, I know how it feels on my tongue, but that's not because I shove lights in my face as a baby.
Maybe not, but do you shove certain fat, it's just like, did we taste every fat, you know what I'm
saying? Did we taste every surface without even, you know? Yeah, sand, all that shit. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Because it's weird. You can, once I start thinking about it, you're like-
Yeah, now I'm kind of freaking out a little bit, like looking around.
Like how does our tongue know everything? And I think sometimes, I said this to my kids the other day,
sometimes when I've got so much on and because I've got ADHD as well,
when I'm really overwhelmed, I can feel the front part of my brain.
I can actually feel it.
And when I think about that, I'm like, what other parts
of me, if I think hard enough about them, can I feel that you don't usually think about?
Do you know what I mean? Like same with if I had, that I had to drink a water or something
free and then someone tried to talk to me and I had to answer them and I couldn't swallow.
And I was like, going, hang on. And then I went I went I just I forgot how to fucking swallow
all of a sudden because don't say that because you don't have to think about swallowing right
it just happens so when you do think about it you forget how to do it I'm boring myself
but sometimes I can feel the front part of my brain when I'm overthinking and I feel
it's the same thing about that tongue thing I don't usually think that I can feel my tongue
until I think about it.
Yeah.
We're gonna put this part on the car map
to put people to sleep.
Yeah, welcome to call map.
We're gonna make a good call map episode.
I'm so fucking sick of myself, Jesus Christ.
Welcome to call map.
So this is gonna tell you about the front part
of a fucking brain to put you to sleep.
You're in a beautiful,
open field. What's that a bird?
What does that feel like on your tongue?
Calm down.
Dude, if we made a call map episode, that'd be so fire.
Yeah.
It'd be so good, wouldn't it?
It would be so.
Harry Styles is on it.
He's on there doing call map shit?
Yeah, but it's fucking great because he reads you like a story.
And at the beginning of it, he's like, hello, Harry Styles here.
I'm going to read you a story.
And I'm like, fuck, all right, Harry, why don't you read me a little story?
It's really nice.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, that would be good.
I'm trying to think of some good ones I would like to hear, maybe from Randy
Quaid, maybe. LeBron does one, too. He does? Yeah, it would be good. I'm trying to think of some good ones I would like to hear maybe from Randy Quaid maybe.
LeBron does one too.
He does?
Yeah, it's good.
I feel like if Kai Sennat did one it would be pretty fucking fire too.
But yeah, I don't know for what his would be like maybe.
That would be great if everybody started making those.
Lots of people that do them.
Yeah.
Like I was quite surprised when I saw it.
Like fucking, there must be money in that.
Do you do any impressions or impersonations kind of?
I'm not that talented, unfortunately.
Did you ever try them?
Like try to work on it for a while or think about it?
No, no, not really.
I kind of had a little moment of wanting to do SNL
back in the day before anyone gave a shit about who I was,
but I was like, I'm not really good at that stuff.
I fucking think it's amazing,
people that do it, blows my mind.
Did you see Shane Gillis on there?
No, who's that?
He's an American comedian,
he's like a really entertaining guy, very funny.
He just, he had gotten kicked off of the show.
Like they had hired him.
As like a cast member.
They hired him as a cast member a while,
like three years ago.
And then the next day they looked at some old episode
from a podcast or something and said something on it
and they took him off.
They said, we changed our minds.
And then he blew up since then and he has like a huge career.
And now they just had him back as a guest.
Oh wow.
So.
Did he host?
Yeah, he hosted.
Yeah, right.
So I thought it was interesting. I thought he was gonna say at the last minute
Fuck you can't make it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I kind of wish that he would but I don't know if that's just like a petty
Part of me that wish that I have that in me as well. Yeah, sometimes that petty part of you just shows up, you know
Oh god. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah quite a lot for me. Does it feel like um
Jesus air conditioning. Yeah. Yeah. Quite a lot for me. Does it feel like, um, Jesus, air conditioning? Yeah. Um, does it feel, is it really a thing? What? Like now when you think about it, cause
you've been traveling a lot, right? You're in hotels, you're on planes. It just like,
my voice is busted. So that when I tour the the same thing, the air condition is just cold, synthetic air.
It's never right, is it?
No. That's why when I get hotel rooms, I always try to get like an open a fucking window.
Yeah.
Because it's been like I say, four days I've been in a hotel or in a car or anything like that,
or you know, studios are cold. So yeah, it just busts my voice.
Sometimes when I go to certain places, I'll stay in a place that doesn't have any air condition.
And at first you're like, this sucks.
But by like the second night, you kind of get into like
this real natural sort of pattern kind of.
Yeah, and your body kind of self regulates itself
with heat and everything.
It's so much better for you.
But yeah, it just, it buckles my voice.
I'm actually gonna have some free water.
Did you see, well, you said you have ADHD, huh?
And how'd you get it?
Just bought it at the store.
Just go and fucking pick it up.
Oh, so it's not something that's developed?
No, born with it.
Well, I don't think I was born with it.
I was diagnosed at 16.
Been medicated on and off for ever. I fucking hate it.
You really?
Yeah. I really struggle with it. I find it really hard.
Like how do you notice it? Because sometimes I wonder how do you notice it?
Like where do you notice it? Because 16 is kind of a young age to diagnose somebody with something, but that's how we do it.
And especially in the 90s as well. Like it's everywhere now, which is great.
There's, you know, people talk about it so much now,
but back then ADHD was just like, shut up and sit down,
have a pill, fuck off.
It's not just a hyperactivity thing.
It's lacking in dopamine and all that.
And I just, I just run in circles.
I can't grab a thought.
I find it as I get older, it's kind of getting harder.
It's weird.
Like, as I say, I'm medicated for it,
but I get the medication makes me anxious.
So it's like, well, which fucking devil
do you choose to hang out with?
You're gonna be like, well, I'll just be scattered and full on or not as scattered,
not as full on, but anxious as fuck.
Fuck.
And I don't know if it's a career thing as well, you know, with more success and all
that with so much going on and so much demand, but I find it hard to cop a break with it.
It bums me hard. See all this stuff online and people are like,
ADHD, you know, it's my, I find it, it's like my superpower.
And I'm like, fuck you.
I don't find that at all.
People, again, I think it might be a social media thing.
It's like, it's great.
It means I can do that and do that and do that and do that.
And I'm like, I can't do that or that or half of that
or any of that. And I've got a heap of people that work for me. I'm like, I can't do that or that or half of that or any of that.
And I've got a heap of people that work for me
and I fucking hate them all
because they don't do enough for me.
It's just, I find it exhausting.
And it's the dopamine thing.
We don't produce dopamine,
that fucking drug that makes you happy.
Damn.
And it's just, it's hard.
I find it really, really hard.
So people with ADHD don't produce dopamine?
I think we just don't quite, I think we are, it's harder.
It's a lot harder for us to produce dopamine.
Can you look it up?
Like 10 times harder, I think it is.
What?
And I really, I feel that on a fucking cellular level, trying to write a
standup show, like you need the dopamine, you need the excitement.
I need a brain that can work, that can go that's funny.
That's funny.
Bring it in.
People with ADHD have at least one defective gene.
Oh damn, your shit's messed up.
Yeah, we're fucking.
The DRD2 gene makes it difficult for neurons
to respond to dopamine, the neurotransmitter
that has evolved in feelings of pleasure
and the regulation of attention.
Can you please tell me what,
people with ADHD have at least,
see I have to read it again.
Can you please tell me what the DRD2 gene is?
Is that just, I wonder if that's what's in Ritalin?
Dopamine receptor D2, also known as D2R,
is a protein that in humans is encoded by the DRD2 gene.
Yeah, dopamine.
The dopamine D2 receptor is the main receptor
for most anti-psychotic drugs. The structure of DR2 and complex with the atypical.
It's not helping me.
No, it's so many words for me right now.
Yeah, it's a lot.
Pretty, pretty pictures though.
You reckon I've got ADD?
I did, I was like, they look like streamers.
That's what I thought when I looked at that.
Yeah, because I just, I'd say, what if I take an antidepressant.
I got off like three months ago and then I just got back on like two days ago. I thought when I looked at that. Yeah, cause I just, I'd say, what if I take an antidepressants, I got off like three months ago
and then I just got back on like two days ago.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
I was on antidepressants.
Coming off though, I actually,
my last standup show I talk a lot about that.
That's no fucking joke coming off those.
Did you find it really hard?
Yeah, I found it hard.
I found the harder part for me is realizing
that I have to go back on right now
because I think I didn't want to have to be back on and
Traveling in Australia has been it's just been tough
It's been tough to like I had a good pattern of like fitness and stuff at home
And I've still been doing well, but just not as organized your sleep patterns get off
So it put me in a real, I got real angry
and then I got in a real tough spot
and I just didn't know what else to do.
So I was like, I think I just have to get back on them.
So I think part of me was really bummed out that I had to.
Yeah, yeah, I understand that.
I remember when I had to go, I was on them, then I went off
and went back on them. And I thought the same thing. I was like, I don't want to be trapped
on it. I felt trapped on antidepressants. It takes so long to come off them. Like coming
off them, like take six weeks and have to wean yourself off. I was like, I don't want
to have to do that again.
Well I got on them like 20 years ago. So I'm like, have I just, and the tough part is
I don't have a lot of feelings.
I have feelings, but it's hard to know what they are
because the antidepressants kind of just
make everything feel the same.
And then a lot of times, some feelings I don't process.
So I get in this tough spot where I'll get off
the antidepressants so I can have some feelings.
But then sometimes if I'm not careful, there's some pitfalls and that can get pretty deep.
And so it's just tough because it's like, well, I want to get married or something one
day and so I start thinking, well, I don't even know how I feel about people sometimes.
If I'm dating, it's hard for me to even know because it's just hard for me to access my feelings. Yeah, they're numbing, aren't they? Blunting. Yeah. They blunt.
Yeah, everything kind of feels the same. It's like, oh man, I just saw that dog get hit by a bus or
do I like Sharon? You know? Exactly. It's the same feeling. So I was like, I have to get off of
these or I'm just going gonna be stuck in this cycle
of not knowing how I feel about someone, you know?
But then it's just gotten too steep recently.
So I'm gonna get back on, I am back on now
and then maybe I'll get off whenever I get back home.
See, when I'm touring, I'm in the best routine.
Isn't that weird?
Wow.
When I'm at home, I'm so fucking scattered
with the kids and life and trying just to,
and I think cause I probably have my husband there as well,
I'm like, help.
And is a husband helpful or is a husband not helpful?
No, he's brilliant.
Let's get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, that's the only reason I'm here.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, he's with the children.
To tell you how great my, yeah.
Damn.
He's all time.
No, he's brilliant.
Is it hard to love somebody after you're like married for a while? Does it get different kind of?
It's not hard to love him. We've been together for 20 years. Oh, wow. I think, I mean, he's the
only thing I've committed to. And not I'm not, that just mean person. I mean thing.
I ADHD, you can't, I don't know how to really, really, really crave stability yet I'm fucking
terrified by it, but I need it.
So it's, and I have that with him.
So it's different, sure, but it's,
I love, yeah, stability and I get that from him.
It's so great.
Was it hard to make that decision?
Yeah, because I think I have like tough time of commitment.
I just, it's like fucking the last thing I want to do.
Well, I think I'm a goal orientated person as well.
So like I'd kind of met him and went, let's go.
I also fell pregnant so we got married.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, but we were together for.
Two months.
Yeah, week and a half.
No, eight years.
Wow.
Yeah, ages.
Long distance, we've always been long distance. You have? Yeah. Something kind of nice about it. It's almost sort of a Yeah ages long distance. We've always been long distance. Yeah. Yeah something kind of nice about it
It's almost a romantic and long distance like you're coming back from war. Yeah, he's going off with the troops or whatever. Absolutely
He's at home making things for me making it nice making the weapons. Yeah, making the pie
That I eat when I come in and so now with touring and being away for work,
we're kind of used to it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do Australian comedians feel like they have to go to America?
You have to get that American audience?
Is there like a feeling like that?
I don't think so.
I mean, for me, yes,
because my audience is there because of the internet,
but there's some fucking brilliant Australian comics
are my favorite that are here and are killing it here and don't have to go anywhere.
And I don't, I mean, I don't, sure.
They probably want to go do what they want to do, but they're killing it here.
They don't need to cause it's a smaller pool as well.
So you know, you, a lot of our comedians are all on TV as well.
They get great jobs on telly that I need to worry about fucking off over there.
Yeah.
Yeah. I know it's so nice here. It's so safe. That's the craziest thing. It's like,
you can go somewhere and you're not going to get killed.
Well, yeah, by a gun, you might buy a fucking shark.
Yeah, but you're going to notice that your pants are getting wet first before you're
like- Yeah, when you go swimming the ocean, you're
like, today might be the fucking day. Yeah. Yeah. But not just walking down the street.
Yeah. You're not just milling in a park and it's all fucking.
Yeah, exactly.
Tarantula just runs at your face.
Some dope shark just rolls up on you, you know?
Fucking alligator comes after you.
Oh, we have a, yeah, it's one of our most dangerous animals
over there is just homeless people when-
Is the gun.
Drugs and the gun.
Can you imagine if guns were all over your country?
I fucking can't. When I'm over there, I'm in the States. I'm like,
we rolled into a place when I was doing a show on like the last tour
and 500 meters down the street, there was a shooting at the, at the local mall.
Yeah.
I was like, are we alerting authorities to get me the fuck out of here?
Like, you know, it's the biggest thing in the world for us.
It's the biggest, if there's a shooting, we're in New South Wales, if there's a shooting
in fucking Queensland, I'm telling you siren alarms will go off here.
Oh yeah.
And I remember then these women came to my show that night and they were doing meet and
greet after and it's that thing as well. Do I talk about it when I get my show that night and I do a meet and greet after. And it's that thing as well.
Do I talk about it when I get on stage?
What do I do?
It was so close by.
Like three people were fucking shot and killed.
Like fuck me.
Sorry, I didn't know they were dying.
No, but like, it's like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
And then I, you know, you make the decision
not to talk about it because it's like,
I'm giving you guys an hour of laughter.
And I don't want to be that Australian that comes in and goes, you guys are fucked. And
then I did a meet and greet and there was this group of women after. And I was talking
to them. Yeah. And I was like, that's really full on with what happened. And they just
glazed over. They didn't care. Well, no, they just have to because they got to put their
kids on a fucking school bus the next day and send them off to school. It's like, no, they just, you have to, because they're going to put their kids on a fucking school bus the next day and send them off to school.
It's like, yeah, anyway, do you miss your kids when you travel without them?
Like, oh, you guys have different coping mechanisms than we have.
It's built different.
Oh, well, no, it's gotten extremely just severe and bizarre over there.
It blows my mind.
People are like wishing their children well and like getting them like Kevlar and stuff for Christmas and like bullet resistant things.
It's just.
And all the debates that go on after there's a shooting, they're like, well, you know why this is.
It's because some random man had an issue once with his mother and found and I'm like, what's the end of that sentence?
A gun!
You fuckheads. Like, what's the end of that sentence? A gun! You fuckheads.
Like, what the fuck?
I agree with you, but how would you get,
that's the problem is at this point, there's no.
No, you're fucked.
You're so far in with the NRA
and everyone's all up in everyone.
How would you get all the guns?
Well, we did a buyback system in Australia.
We had mass shooting, Port Arthur, 96, was it?
And it was the greatest mass shooting
we've had in this country.
And then our government did a buyback system.
You got $300 for everyone who brought in their fucking guns
and they fucking, sure there's psychos who were like,
no one gets my gun, but we did a buyback system.
In America, I bet you would get 20,000 guns.
Shot in the face.
Shot in the face.
Hey, I have an idea.
Fuck off.
Okay, yeah.
You would get, you're right.
Shot in the fucking face.
You gotta cut all this out,
because now I'm terrified when I go to America,
I'm getting shot in the fucking face.
No, you're not getting shot in the fucking face.
No, you're not getting shot. I sent a DM to Pablo Escobar's wife when she got out of prison and I haven't been killed yet.
So I didn't know. I thought she was single. I thought...
Oh, you sent it like a fucking DM.
I mean, I didn't say like...
Oh, I thought you were like, congratulations, he's out. I wish you both all the best now that... Oh, dude.
I just said, hola mama. But still I think, yeah, people could perceive that wrong.
But like I, I, yeah, you're going to be fine.
But yeah, it's so crazy.
You don't realize how less stress I feel being here.
It's like, I don't even want to go back.
Part of me doesn't even want it's so fucking scary.
You don't realize that there's always this thought in the back of your head that somebody's
going to just fucking.
He's got a gun. I think all the shooters are the worst they show up they killed 19 people
They're just trying to shoot one guy fucking hell. They have the worst aim. We gotta start training these kids
To shoot better
I'm gonna stay out of that one. Okay, I got in the night
Get the fuck out of this now cancel my night. I'm doing everything I can to get the fuck out of this now.
Cancel my tour, I'm not going.
I don't even care.
I don't know what the solution is.
But yes, we-
I do fucking guns.
I agree with you, but how do you get rid of them?
Because the criminals are not going to turn them in.
And the guy that's afraid the criminal isn't going to turn it in, isn't going to turn it
in.
Don't you have incentives to buy guns over there?
You open a bank account,
you get a gun. Maybe start there.
People don't want, yeah, nobody would. It's just too ingrained in the culture.
Yeah. No one's going to like it. Right?
If you try to take somebody's fucking belly button, you get shot in the face.
People would be pretty T O'd or pissed off.
I'm sure you have.
It's very popular.
Jim Jeffries bit on gun control in America.
It's good.
He's so good.
Spot on.
He's such a legend.
Have you gotten to meet him?
No.
That bit he does is fucking brilliant.
It terrifies me though when I'm over there.
It terrifies us.
It's really not cool.
I run my mouth.
I run my mouth a lot. When I get there, I'm like, well, I can't because... But you guys are charming.
You guys are like a, like a, like a, like when the, you know, when the, um, the, the rare white
wombat comes to the zoo or whatever. I feel like that's what it's like when Australians come.
People want to go see what's going on. Look at them. They're in the cage. Yeah, you're fun.
You got your fun. Yeah.
Give them a celery, you know?
Is that all British?
I just feel like people are so intrigued about seeing you guys,
but there is a peacefulness over here.
What else is it about it?
Have you been to New Zealand?
Yeah, we went to New Zealand.
That's where it's at.
I fucking love NZ.
It's beautiful.
And it's very unique. it's at. I fucking love NZ. It's beautiful. And it's very unique.
It's magical.
I'd move there in a heartbeat.
We went to Auckland as well and you meet people who
are saying, making sounds
and they don't know what they're saying.
Or they're using only vowels.
I met people who use only vowels.
Yeah, right.
We're going on. Zero consonants. You're using only vowels. I met people who use only vowels. Yeah, right. W-e-o-n-e.
Zero consonants.
You're like, wow.
I'm fucking out of here.
You look like a fucking witch then.
Oh, I saw a guy, he sprained his fucking spine
trying to finish a sentence over there.
I think you just maybe ran into someone
who happened to be on fucking ice.
Like that doesn't, not how New Zealanders speak. It could have been. Like the one dude who's on fucking meth. Like that doesn't, it's not how New Zealanders speak. Like the one dude
who's on fucking meth in the street you rock up and talk to.
There could have been some trankies going on. Let's bring up that one video of this
girl. Do you see this video of this young lady? It's so funny.
When you're putting your mind to it, you know exactly what to do indoors.
How was that for you?
Oh, it was amazing.
I mean, it was such a strong race.
We were all running so fast, multiple running in the 50s.
So I knew I had to go out fast.
I'd look in front of me.
So I wanted to be in front of them.
And that's a beautiful.
I could hear her.
I hope she was behind me.
I don't...
Oh, wow.
Hang on.
Where's she from?
What accent is that?
I can't get past it.
That's Disney's bro.
She's from Disney.
Oh boy.
Sorry.
Can you play?
Let's play it again.
Is that all right if we could play it again?
I just need to fucking know again.
You know what I can feel right now?
The front part of my fucking brain.
You know exactly what to do.
She's British.
How was that for you?
What are you? It was amazing. I mean it was such a strong race. We were all running so fast,
multiple running in the 50s. So I knew I had to go out fast. I'd look in front of me so I
wanted to be in front and I could hear how big she was behind me. So I was like okay. Look at her mate.
It's like you put the mic on the wrong bitch. She's, that's Mickey Mouse.
You know, when she's not doing that,
she's a suit operator at fucking Disneyland
and Mickey Mouse.
She's gotta be.
That's amazing.
See?
You could convince yourself Mickey Mouse has just broken
the 400 meter indoor world record fans react
as Femke Bowl.
Femke Bowl's interview.
Oh, Glasgow.
She's- Oh oh she's Scottish
Glasgow
Have you tour over there in the UK? Yeah
Yeah, but I've never been so tired of this been like
Right that that was that was
Fucking great with the American on hang on American cartoon character The Dutch runner in the world championships for the world record of 49.24 seconds in the 400,
but blew past the timing again in Glasgow.
What happened?
I want to know what happened 30 seconds before that.
Interview, did she rock up?
And they were like, let's do an interview.
And her mate was like, it was amazing.
Her mate was like, I don't think we need to do an interview.
We're good.
But Mickey Mouse was like, oh, crap. And they're like, no, don't, I don't think I went into it. I mean, do you reckon we're good? But Mickey Mouse was like, oh crap.
And they're like, no, we've already achieved so much.
We just nailed it.
She's like, I've always,
you guys never let me do interviews.
Can I do an interview?
And they're like, all right,
gird your loins.
Here she is.
It's a small world after all.
That's crazy, man.
That's funny.
Any other news guys, anything else that's going on?
No, that's the only thing that's going on in the world.
Fucking Mickey Mouse went for a run.
I mean there's other bigger stuff that you talk about.
Oh yeah, they went to the zoo.
Oh yeah, I saw that.
Great.
Well done.
Not surprised.
It's something you've, I think it's like an Australian tradition coming here and going
to the zoo, huh?
Yeah, I think so.
It's a pretty cool zoo.
Oh, it's pretty.
It's like a sanctuary as well.
And they did conservation.
They do some fucking great work there.
I thought it was way hands on.
I was kind of surprised.
And yeah, it's like you really get close to some Anna Melia.
The Kelsey man has a brother.
Is that correct?
And did he just retire from something?
And yeah, he plays football.
He played for the NFL for the Philadelphia Eagles.
Is that the same team as the other Kelsey?
No, different brother.
That just won the Super Bowl?
No.
Because I saw his press.
Very tear filled.
I was like, I thought his mother had died.
It was a lot of tears.
I was like, we all fucking retire.
What happened?
It meant a lot to him.
But it's everywhere.
He went through a lot of stuff.
He went through like, also he talked about like his family.
You've got real deep into it.
I think sometimes it's almost you wonder though,
like are they trying to get them to do more now?
I thought it was very genuine and touching,
but yeah, he was, he had a lot of.
I thought it was very genuine and very touching.
I just didn't need to hear it.
I was like, maybe on a podcast,
like, you know, you're going on later
and having a chat to someone about,
but it went on and on.
We had no cousins.
It was just me and my brother and we just,
like, just come out and make the announcement.
All right, I'm done.
It's been a great season.
It's been a great 40 years that I've been playing catch up.
I was like, bitch, you still fucking crying.
Like, it just went on for me.
International Women's Day, so disrespectful.
Oh, now that's a good point on International Women's Day.
Do you think that people are less emotional in Australia?
No, I think we're still pretty emotional.
Yeah?
Yeah, I just don't think we have as much media attention
on it, like, you know what I mean?
Oh, that's a good point.
And especially him, it's kind of interesting the side effects of like,
cause I've always thought Travis Kelsey like darker women.
Right?
That's always been the...
I don't know the man.
Like if he ate an Oreo, he would just eat the sides.
Oh, right.
Well, he's not now.
You know, right.
Not now.
I mean, now he's going heavy cream.
Yeah.
He's going full cream.
Yeah.
So it's just, I think a lot of people,
I think there's a lot of like,
a lot of people wondering the reality behind that.
Like, is it real?
You know?
Yeah, I think a lot.
And you don't know with the media,
you don't know what their strategy is.
You don't know what their plan is, you know?
They could easily approach people and say, this is what we want to do.
Yeah.
You know, Australia shat themselves when he flew in for one of her concerts.
Well, yeah, that's the crazy part.
I just wonder what his life is going to be like now, because that's a level, I
feel like, of fame that's kind of like.
Mm.
And every interview is asking about her, every.
And it will be for the rest of his life.
Yeah, it's Taylor Swift.
You can't fight that.
I wonder if you think about that before you,
but maybe you don't, I don't know,
I'm just thinking out loud, you know?
I mean, if you're really in love, you don't.
Well, that's what I was gonna say.
If you love someone, you're like, fuck it, whatever,
who cares?
But I think if you go in with it, with an idea of it being an arrangement, then it's
different. So maybe it is love. Do you know what I mean? If you don't, if you love someone,
you just go into it and then you find yourself in interviews, always talking about them,
always talking about your relationship.
Yeah. Gosh.
Gosh. Oh, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that level of fame. Fuck.
I couldn't do it. Yeah. It feels like a lot. No, no, no. It already, sometimes it's weird
when it starts to feel like your own name doesn't even belong to you anymore. Does that
make any sense to you? It makes absolute sense to me. Even when I'm on a fucking phone call, calling my kid's school, hi, Celeste Barber.
Shut up.
I feel like it going, can I speak to so and so?
Or yeah, even saying my name now feels kind of weird.
Or when my mates are like, we will get a table somewhere.
They're like, say Celeste Barber.
Like, no, they're like, we do?
What do you fucking mean you do? You're not even there. I'm not there. I'm in America. How do you mean you got the fucking table Like, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, make sure you say... Adele. Yeah, Adele.
You get a table with Adele.
Well I'm glad I got to have a table for a little while today with Celeste Barber.
Thanks for meeting up.
I know you have a lot going on and I know you have to go home to your son's birthday.
Yeah, and his football game.
No, it was good.
It was good to come in.
It was good to meet you.
I'm happy we made it work.
Thanks for moving it as well.
I know you had to move it around a bit for me.
I appreciate it. That's all right.
I'm glad that we got to.
Yeah, I was trying to learn as much as I could about Australia, but I think we talked about
Australia some, huh?
Yeah.
You're going to do like Great Barrier Reef or Great Ocean Road, any of those sort of
things while you're here?
I think the next time I come, I'm going to come back one more time.
And make it a thing.
Yeah.
Just one more time before you die.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I might come back.
More than that, I used to have a dream I would meet my wife in Australia.
Yeah, right.
But I think a lot of people romanticize stuff like that, you know.
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, no, it'd be nice, but you never know.
But I think the first time I came, I did shows like, and it was like travel show the same
day that sort of thing.
It was way too hard on me.
It's too much.
That's what my last tour I did thing. It was way too hard on me. It's too much. That's what my last tour, I did that.
It's way too hard.
And so this time we slowed it down and it's been awesome.
Got to be at the Gold Coast and see different places
and spend a little bit more time in different cities.
But then it also gets kind of long.
You're gone for three weeks and you're like.
Yeah.
But my biggest audiences are in Australia.
Yeah, right. Mine are in the are in Australia. Yeah, right.
Mine are in the States, look at that.
Wow.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah, that's the goal, isn't it?
To slow it down so you can kind of live and enjoy work.
But like I was saying, I can't with fucking kids
and living so far away.
Where did you go on the Gold Coast?
We went to Paradise Cove or something.
Surfers Paradise.
Surfers, yeah.
It was good.
We got some electric bikes and we got to ride out onto the water, like onto the beach.
It was unreal.
It might have been the neatest thing I've ever done.
I literally felt like I was on the moon, which we've never been to.
Fucking magic beaches we have up there.
I'm up there.
That's where I live up there.
Really?
It's just like, yeah, I know.
It was so fucking good.
I just wanted to just rip my fucking penis off.
I just throw it in the water.
That's how I felt really.
Oh, you might find your wife up there.
Who knows?
Yeah, for some reason when I'm having a good time,
I literally want to rip my penis off
and just throw it into whatever I'm having fun at.
Kangaroo.
Whip it at a kangaroo at a sanctuary.
Nah, kangaroos are too dangerous.
Yeah, they'll fuck you up.
All right, so let's, Bob, if people can watch your special on Netflix, they can check out
your tour.
Now, will this also be coming to the States?
Yeah, I'm there second of May.
Oh, okay.
Netflix is a joke. Oh, that's right.
You start then. And then touring for two months. Okay, sweet. May, June. Yeah, buy fucking tickets.
Celestebarber.com, please. Yeah, Celestebarber.com, please. I've enjoyed spending time with her. I'm
sure you guys will too. And thank you so much. And happy birthday to your son. How old is he
going to be? 10. Oh, wow. It's such a big age. Yeah, double digits. God, he's growing up. His
name's Buddy. It is a real name for someone. It's fucking Buddy. Wow. That's such a big age. Yeah, double digits. God, he's growing up. His name's Buddy. It is a real name for someone.
It's fucking Buddy.
Wow, that's the best thing about Australia.
People have names like Buddy and Poppy and Lily.
Yeah, in America when we're there
and my other son's name is Lou,
they're like, hey, Buddy.
And Lou's like, no, that's him.
But he's like, how does everyone know my name in America?
In America, we have names like bullet and casket.
And fucking stud and tarred.
And cock.
And chunk.
All right.
Cheers, Celeste.
Thank you. the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone
oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life out I can
feel it in my bones