Three Bean Salad - Architecture
Episode Date: January 3, 2024Ali requests that the Beans explore the topic of architecture and they do their best to take the roof off, knock through the kitchen and dining room to create a greater sense of space, and install a c...antilevered lukewarm sauna. As always, listeners will benefit from a working knowledge of former professional tennis player and BBC sports anchor Sue Barker.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Music
Chaps.
Hi.
Yeah.
It's 2024.
Whoa!
Release the flamingos.
Hahaha.
5,000 flamingos, isn't it?
We've released into the wild.
We're re-flaming going.
Yeah. But they are flaming flamingo.
They're flaming flamingo.
Flaming flamingo is a barcure.
A barcure. So look at them go.
Whoa. Quite a show. A hell of a show.
It's a hell of a way to go for a flamingo.
Henry, are you doing a good job describing that?
But I think we need to be more honest with the listeners.
It's not in our world.
It's 20, 23 still. The flamingos are still in a shipping container on their way from China.
They're being dried out, catch easily, because it might be wet weather on New Year's
day, and it's very embarrassing when the flamingos won't catch when they're in sparkly.
But when they do catch the gupp like Kindling, because of those thin legs, those thin legs
are the perfect kind of thingling because of this thin legs. This thin legs are the perfect kind of. It's a thin, dry legs.
Also Mike is going to stuff them with fireworks.
So yeah, they're going to go home made gunpowder.
Here we go.
And of course, it's how fireworks were originally done.
Obviously, it's the same for Mingo.
It's gone out of fashion.
There's a ethical concerns.
But just if people aren't wide ethically for every flamingo that we sacrificed,
you know, for the entertainment of the country,
we're planting, aren't we?
Another three.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Did you source it out with the council Henry?
That was your,
because obviously we've all had our own little jobs
to do with the padrant we're doing on New Year's Day.
Butch a council.
Yeah, butch a council.
Obviously it was your job to get the permit.
The thing is,
because the last time they had to close down Barcher Airport,
and they had to...
Slay international.
Well, they had to create a Barcher Airport and then shut it down.
Yeah, and then close it down.
Just to make a point, it was a bit bloody minded.
It was incredibly...
It was a small-minded council official, wasn't it?
Well, the fact is, no, I'm going to do it.
Barbara, I know it's going to involve re-rooting a lot of boxers, funds away from key boxers concerned, which is the Barkshire Wall, the Barkshire
National Opera, and creating a Barkshire currency.
Yeah, the Barkshire Colosseum.
And of course, creating the ultimate tourist attraction, which is a soup, the
barccia, soup, barccia, soup, barccia world. Yeah, which is a three quarters of a mile underground.
That's right. And which is a reference for those not of the UK to a former tennis star.
Yep. Well, certainly player. Yeah.
Don't know if did she win Wimbledon?
She definitely didn't win Wimbledon, but.
Let's assume that she could have done
if she really wanted to.
Okay.
I think she could have done it.
I think the reason she did win Wimbledon was
because she didn't want it enough.
That's a big call.
I don't know.
I just don't want to do it down.
I've got no idea about her tennis record.
I think that comes a point in every
great British tennis pro's career where you have to do sort of deal with the devil. You essentially offer two
options to your future. One is become a genuinely successful tennis mega star.
Right. Yeah. Stop eating Kit Katz and Curries. Which means Kit Katkary Knight.
Yeah. Kit Katkary Knight over two barkers is off.
That means you're going to win Grand Slam, you're going to win the Miami Masters, you're
going to win the Cheering Special.
Kit Kat, big boy.
Yeah.
The Bogotao Darby, the Rekiavic, Trunky people, the Belarus Big Hat, the Weed of Ex-Cup.
And the Tokyo Take Down.
Yes. Of course.
All those big ones.
If you go down that route, you'll get huge sponsorship deals.
Nestle, water stones.
Dunelms, of course.
Of course, Dunelm.
Dunhill.
Clive Dunn. Clive Dunn.
Clive Dunn.
Roy Hodgson.
He sponsors quite a lot of leading sports stars, doesn't he?
He does. That's why he's kept his brand so strong.
Travolta pies.
Travolta savoury and sweet pies.
The only problem with that is you have to sign a waiver that there's in the event of
a giant Travolta pie taking a gravy leak and flooding a school.
In the event of that happening, you have to agree to join John Travolta and his family
on a giant pasty that's bound for Mars.
That's very sp joint, pasty that's bound for Mars.
That's very pasty, but it'll probably never happen to a lot of people have to sign that
happily.
Is it very similar to the end of Greece?
Do you remember the end of Greece where him and Sandy get in the car and then they
inexplicably just fly into the sky.
Oh, the director's car.
The director is the most amazing car.
How happens at the end of Greece?
Does it really? They get in Greaselightening and then the main thing. That's how it happens at the end of Greece.
They get in Greaslightning and then they start driving.
Or maybe I'll imagine this.
I think maybe.
And then they just fly up into the sky.
I'm not sure what the suggestion is really,
but they're going to another planet maybe.
Just trying to cover a lot of bases maybe.
Just put a sci-fi end on it.
Yeah.
And also, what is that sequel looking like? It's like just a two of them,
like what are they trying to colonize space?
I mean, that's a different world from that summer
from that mad summer they had together.
Two people having to...
Supposed to be a KF3 summer,
wasn't it really about intergalactic conquest?
Was it necessarily?
Yeah, very different.
There's a lot of time to kill.
Can you keep grooving for like up to 70 years, potentially, to get to Mars?
Did it mean?
Well, yeah, it doesn't stand up, does it?
But they'd also, I mean, wouldn't their head just explode as soon as they left the atmosphere?
Oh, it's not covered, it's not even a space car.
No, it's an open top car, isn't it?
So there's Cadillac or something, isn't it?
Ben, I would love it if you got a bollocking for, from someone who knew whether or not
their heads would explode if they were in an open top Cadillac as they left the atmosphere.
If any weather or not, your head did explode or if it imploded or if it just rotated 360
degrees or just froze or melted or whatever it is, someone knows.
Something bad happens to it though.
I think we can agree.
I think I know I'm wrong.
I think it's a common misconception that your head explodes in space.
And I'm pretty sure I've seen a scientist saying that's not true. You definitely die though.
Yes. Something bad happens. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's not as famously no fiber in space.
So you get very, very, very constipated, very quickly. Possibly. And that would kill you eventually.
Yeah. Also, famously, Olivia Newton John was
sewn into those clothes for the end.
That's right. So what?
What do you mean?
That's why they were so tight.
That's it.
So Olivia Newton John, in that last scene,
when she comes out and she's looking smokey and hot.
Oh yeah, yeah.
She is the sort of plain Susan type moment
that was spoken about.
It's right for the ultimate plain Susan turnaround. Is she wearing like a sort of patent black leather trousers?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So she comes out and she says something like,
what you're doing, stud, or something.
Right.
There's a line.
There's a little delivery.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes.
It's probably...
She's almost become over-sexualized.
It's a bit like maybe somewhere in between was ideal.
You know what I mean?
This is going to be a lot, this is going to be quite a lot to live with.
The constant, patent leather blusher.
Shiny trousers, you can see a face in.
And constantly referring to the study.
And eventually you'd want, you'd want, you're not going to be able to have the old game
of scrabble.
Yeah, you can put too much catch up on on the
ship. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean is you can't go too far. Anyway, what I was saying was famously the costume department
had to sew her into that. I see. So that she was a hundred percent smooth like a dolphin. It's completely flush. So there was no
zip. But not not not sewing into her flesh, man. No, no, no, but they
didn't sew it in got stuck on her.
On to her.
So it's no good.
I was kick, because that was a much more sinister.
That's why I was picturing.
What do you mean, so what was the, what are you saying?
Well, so you know how you've done up your trousers today
by doing a Pizzip or some buttons?
Yes.
You know when you're gaffer taping your trousers
or parts together, hadn't you?
Yeah. And gaffer tape at a crosser parts together, Henry? Yeah, so yeah.
I gaffer tap it across.
Yeah, I stay, and four staples to the crotch.
Exactly, so it's that.
That's why I go.
A lot tighter and snuggier, and with a team.
Prickstick, my socks on.
Yeah, that's why it's called Rhyman.
It's a man's where it's a man's where it's essentially Rhyman.
It's a man's where it's a man's where it's opposite. So Mike draws on his mustache every day.
Yeah.
It was felt it from Rhyman.
Yeah, so go and bend what they said that like because she couldn't take the clothes off
if she wants to.
They had to be cut off her.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
And I'm just saying like, if you're being blasted into space wearing that and you can't
even get them off, it's essentially a wetsuit.
And you know what happens inside a wetsuit, Mike?
Well, we all know how people warm up a wetsuit
when they get chilly.
Exactly.
Oh dear.
Yeah.
Henry's obviously none the wisest.
No, do we have talking about that?
But either way, I didn't get ended well-friens
with them in space.
No.
But whether or not that's,
is that linked to travel tota's space, space,
sort of orientated thinking, do you think?
Oh, they were going to meet the Thetans, all over.
Yeah.
Anyway, how did we answer that?
We were trying to explain who Sue Barker was, and you were saying there's two routes
to being a British genist, or come back to that, but just quickly.
You know, you've ever seen the film three
being salad in 2024, more coherent than ever. If you've seen that film, Operation Space,
whatever it's called, the one that the mega stinker, the yeah, the Travolta, is that called
the ice planet? Is that where he's dressed up as a cling on that one? Yes. So I've seen
it's called Operation Mars Space,
or something really basic and bad.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever it is,
it's a clearly a placeholder title
that has battleship Greece.
Ha ha ha ha.
There ain't no summer nights in space.
Ha ha ha ha.
What's it called again?
It's called battleship or battleship or battle field earth.
Battle field earth, that's right. Have you not seen it? No, isn't it basically a sort
of big Scientology allegory type thing? Yes, that's right. I saw that film once.
Was it a watch? No, it was incredibly bad. It's a film where they've done the thing which,
when you're suffering from a budget problem, especially in a sci fi.
The last thing you can do to try and make us add some sort of excitement to a film to
a scene is basically put the camera on an angle.
Oh, it's something they use it.
You know, like history documentaries where they've got a reenactment scene.
Yeah.
If anything's a bit pony and a bit cheap, you just put the camera on an angle.
It's just the audience that slightly twisted, so a Dutch tilty type.
Do you mean like sort of off the horror awful?
Yeah, you put a slight Dutch til on it.
So if you've got like, you know, guy forks, whatever, having tense planning scene with his,
with his cabal of people, with this cabal of evil terrorists.
Evil.
That's not less, that's not less, that's not what he gloss on these people.
That's not what he gloss on it.
Evil terrorists.
Yeah.
He put the camera on an angle
and it just sort of helps a bit.
Papest heretics.
You've already set me off.
Sorry, no, I shouldn't have.
It's a sore point, isn't it, if you still?
Fucking Robert Catesby.
He got away lightly, didn't he?
Yeah.
Just shot dead, wasn't he?
I think they all died, didn't I? If they
kind of flatly, I can't. They work, they work guy over. I think pretty high. I remember at
school being shown, really quite McCarbon, I come to think of it, we were shown Guy Fox's signature
before and after torture. Oh yeah. Here's the in that. Yeah. It's not wiggly enough. Is it for you
been the second one? I mean, to be honest, after the short try, I think I probably wouldn't sign it.
It's worth it.
It's really the boot photograph.
No.
Oh, not now, mate.
Come on.
Can I say, I need it?
I need it every day, I need it every day, mate.
I'm a big admirer if you work.
It would mean so much.
I've got the technology for selfies.
I'd really just wondered if you wouldn't mind ordering this.
Also, this would be a horribly gruesome selfie.
It's a good thing that you wouldn't mind just these calendars as well.
Thanks. I've got the technology for selfies. I'd really just wondered if you wouldn't mind ordering this. Also, this would be a horribly gruesome selfie.
It's a good thing that it makes it more useful.
And also, you wouldn't mind just these calendars as well.
Thanks, and yeah.
Like, it's sort of, merchandise.
Can I take a piece of your ass as fallen off?
Do you mind if I take a piece of,
would you mind signing your own ass?
It's very unusual people sign your own ass.
You don't need it anymore, do you?
It's just sort of shaved off.
Please sign your own ass shroud-shard, please.
Just sign the arse-shard.
So, um, yeah, Sue Barker.
Sue Barker as a British tennis rising star of tennis in Britain. You're offered a choice.
If that's what she was, yes, go on.
Which is interesting to what she was.
I think she was.
Yeah.
You're offered a choice.
I get confused with the equestrian.
What's that? Princess Anne. Princess Anne. No, no, Claire Bolting. Yes.
But I didn't really watch any sports. So I don't, I don't think I can identify any of these
people very easily.
They're of bumped prawns at the same buffet. Sorry, sorry. Sorry. That's no.
I know you didn't mean that to say that. Sorry, sorry, that's no.
I know you didn't mean that to satanatious, but it...
Welcome to 2024.
So, it's a new idiom for you to try and propagate.
And we can see, go out there, go for use it, please, and if you can then canvas people use it upon to see what they think that the prawn is.
And if you could then canvas people use it upon to see what they think that the prawn is.
No, no, no.
What I'm saying is the lines of work there are not both quite often being at the same
cold buffet going, oh, I think these are just M&S sausage rolls.
They're just taking them out of the pack and putting them in a plate.
Still good to be here.
Do you know what I mean?
They've had those chats.
They've sort of BBC events and stuff.
Quite a few times.
They're in the same sort of universe, aren't they?
Yeah, they're in the Garland, in the Kazone.
They're in the Brickgarland, in the Kazone.
They could easily pop up it.
They could either of them could easily pop up in Springwatch,
either as a presenter,
or as someone that's barring a hole
and being studied.
Of an awesome solid British celebs.
But anyway, so yeah, as a tennis star, as a rising British
tennis star, you're offered a choice which is either win proper stuff or the trouble with
that is, you don't get to do what the other option is, which is present question as
sport, be regular on garden as well. Do you know what I mean?
Like become a sort of mainstay of British telly.
Become a sort of comfy pair of slippers
that the you comfy pair of slippers.
Open a guard and fake in the home counties.
Open a guard and fake in the home.
And this is all stuff that Henman does.
Yeah.
Barker does.
Andrew Castle.
Mm-hmm.
Roy Timpson.
Perhaps established an academy for the children of pushy parents, that stuff.
Exactly. And the things you don't get to do that if you're a winner, because I don't,
are you don't get that comfy slippers feeling? Can you imagine Jockovich presenting?
These volas are not good enough. They're not finished. Come on, make it work for you, Vol.
Come on, it's a privilege to be a vol. Come on, make it work for you, Volk. Come on, it's a privilege to be a Volk.
Come on, make it work.
Who vaccinated these vaults?
You ruined them.
Look at this field for the dead rabbits.
That's because they weren't vaccinated for Mixermotosis
because I don't agree with it.
Yeah, similarly, Federer,
too classy and too smooth to appear on Question and Sport.
It would feel like watching a sort of prize racehorse be actually onto a donkey field.
Or do the blackpool beach shift.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's Federer on Question and Sport.
It's true though, isn't it?
If Henman had actually won...
Because think and think about who's the Spanish one.
What's he called again?
Raphael Nadal.
Nadal.
You see, you know, it's that killer instinct,
which means you're not a comfy slippers person.
Yeah, so that is a trade off, isn't it?
In your life, because actually, maybe,
Jochovic watches spring watch,
all spend his retirement watching spring watch,
wishing he could be part of that.
He never can, but he can't be.
He's got too many trophies.
You can't do both.
You can't cross that stream. I was thinking about the silly day because I was
watching a very, very cozy BBC2 TV show about novels and it's called something like
between the covers. Yeah, with Tim Henren. With Tim Henren. And it's very comfy. It's very
peristipers. And did they also do it between the covers of a bed,
which is also in between two covers,
band one of whom is playing tennis,
whiff, whiff, playing.
That's right.
That's the same time.
Because you've got to run with that cover.
You've got to go with the covers.
It also takes place between two shifts in a restaurant.
Right.
Okay.
Between the covers.
And also all of them are under cover
as Mexican drug cartel.
I don't know. Which has a lot of jeopardy to the whole thing as well. between the covers and also all of them are undercover as Mexican drug cartel
which has a lot of jeopardy to the whole thing as well. I think it's presented by Sarah Cox who I like a lot as a BBC personality I think she's brilliant but also never won Wimbledon, did she?
Exactly. There's a person who's really strengthening your argument. Yeah, Henry. But on there was
former spice girl Jerry Halliwell, now Jerry Horner, I think.
Former ginger spice.
Yep.
And I'm over thinking, she had a choice to make in life.
She could either be in a loose multi-millionaire,
or multi-millionaire pop star,
who never appears on anything.
He said billion.
Let's say billion for the Spice Girl fans out there.
That's a sum of it.
It's not, I mean, it's not billionaires.
But you know what I mean?
You wouldn't get Bruce Springsteen on that.
So, again, you have a choice as a musician.
Do you be in a Luf star,
who is a bit of an enigma when everyone thinks is brilliant?
Or do you just give in and go on, you know, bake off?
Is this the kind of, um,
um, that guy from Queen sort of question, isn't it?
Roger Deacon. I was just going to go, that guy from Queen.
Well, the one who went on to talk to Sky at night, Brian May.
Brian May.
Yeah, because he's kind of, yeah, he's not stayed as a kind of a
loop pop star, has he?
Maybe, although with him there's genuine, like, there's a bit of
reinvention there, or not maybe not reinvention, but he really,
really wants the world
to know that he's really into this stuff and good at it.
Right?
He wants to present himself as maybe not a polymath,
but at least a by-mass.
Do you know that he's really into 3D pictures?
What do you mean like magic eye stuff?
LAUGHTER
There's some kind of Victorian thing called like something
a trope, and it's basically a pair of glasses
you put on and then you put these little you look at some kind of slides and they look slightly 3D.
This is too much money though, isn't it? This is why I have decided I favor the becoming a recluse option.
Okay, I thought because they just become just like everyone else isn't it?
You just become a really boring old bloke who's into something like Victorian 3D pictures.
You know what I mean?
Like they all end up with a, it's a hobby,
yeah you just end up with a hobby which is fine.
You know, we all get older
and we should probably become fascinated by a Victorian
automated accordions or something.
Well everyone needs the hobby right.
You get to age when you're sort of
funny old, provincial middle-aged man or late-man.
You need to think like this,
you get bored, you need to venture, preventional, that kind of stuff.
But for most people, there are limited options, right?
Because you look on the local community center and it is,
it's kind of, it's a vanishing club or it's Spanish conversation.
Spanish vanishing.
You can start learning the ukulele.
What, what, when that's it, there are limited options.
You can learn the whole thing.
Brian May, there are all of the options.
And of course, yeah, like, our garfunkel has funneled millions into making the world's
biggest courgett.
That's right.
Just because you can.
Yeah.
And you can afford the team.
You can afford the, the geneticists and the horticulturists to make it last on
courgett to have inside it a bit like the city of Petra that's carved
into the rock isn't to have an entire community carved
out of cause yet within that cause yet, isn't it?
Yeah.
Garfunkel Topia.
A world, a parallel universe where...
We're Paul Simon never existed.
But tell you what, never say to our Garfunkel, mate,
that's a marrow.
He absolutely loses it.
No, it's a huge courgette.
It's the biggest courgette in the world.
It's a courgette or a zucchini or whatever we call it in a mirror.
Oh, is that a cucumber? I'm not sure.
But either way, it's massive.
No, I haven't seen it yet. It's being built in China,
but I'm pretty sure I've got a keep of emails right here telling me
Sponsored like what's wrong with you sponsor panda sure I sponsored a massive car jet, you know, yeah
Yeah, yeah, they sent me a photo. I know it looks like a normal car jet, but it's to scale so it will look like a normal car jet
I assume they've built the giant hand holding it. I assume yes, I did ask for the giant hand. I think they threw it in for free.
I can see it with my own bright eyes burning like fire.
I'll give you a bridge over trouble water. I'll give you trouble water in your face my urine.
I'm gonna piss any faces you get out of here right now!
Damn it, yeah.
Okay, that's still on the bean machine.
Please. This week's topic as sent in by Ali from the Bricklayers Guild of Bremen, is architecture.
Architecture.
Right, I end it.
And Ali also writes, I have been involved in the construction of two buildings.
What?
By Dr. Pomper, do himself Richard Rogers.
Really?
Yeah.
Blimey.
As far as I can tell, modern architecture, there we go.
It generally seems to be that the home you end up living in
has these huge windows that go all the way
from the ground to the ceiling.
It's like glass.
I just feel like any of the major horror threats, you know, the guy from
play go bats, loads of bats and possessed deer, possessed deer, a scare crow that's teamed
up with an evil teenager stuck in the shopping trolley and was weeding it around.
Raybees. Is your point, you'll be able to see all of these things from the window. You can see all of these things from the window. Freddie Krueger, he goes in three dreams.
That's the thing you can really do about that. But, um, blue, who's blue? Just the disease.
A flu, yeah, flu. I always say, flu is a bad thing. And the guy wears the hockey mask
from Friday 13th. Oh 13th. Jason. Jason.
It's got the worst name of any horror character. Jason. Pinhead. Pinhead. From the
Hellraiser movies, Pinhead. The alien from the Alien films. Yeah, that was in your
garden. It's all you can see is that it's right there.
Do you know what you're in terms of like?
The alien from the alien films,
but dressed up as the clown from it and balloons.
Yeah, covered in slime,
slime the alien balloons and it's on his way
to a fancy dress party,
but you've got the wrong address.
So it's absolutely furious.
Yeah, yeah.
And he's worrying about fitting in anyway,
because yeah, people, he does struggle to make all the parties.
Does have a reputation. And especially when he gets the buff they
has to get the mini weird little mouth. He's tiny, mini mouth eating all the cocktail
sausages. The one that comes out and the retracts back in.
So sorry. It's really made a difference. It really made a difference that you've
warmed up. These sausage rolls in the oven.
I have brush bread, but it's actually very hard to get fresh
breath with my mini mouth.
It's not my breath, it's my breath.
It's the mini breath.
It's the, you understand it?
It retracts when I try and brush my knee.
It retracts all the way back to the back of my throat.
I try and brush it the make myself sick.
It actually made the problem.
And then I'm puking.
Why is it so?
Am I puking acids? And then I'm puking. Why is it so, am I puked assets?
And then I'm puking assets onto my own mini mouth.
I love these mini pasties, but like, yeah.
I love what you've done with the landing room.
But I should let you know, I've birthed some pew pie on your landing.
So I thought I'd always shoes off, but I didn't know what the rule was about.
Pew-pie.
So I'm terribly sorry about the pew-pie.
I'm taking my shoes off.
Or just to be safer for a move from all the feet from your guests.
Oh, my God.
It's a mini-mouth.
What I like to say is I use it for small talk.
I was told to say that there's a line, it would break the ice.
That's all right.
Why did you have to invite the alien to harming?
Well, he's really struggling to integrate, isn't he, anyway?
I know that he's a little bit of a friend of mine.
He doesn't have anyone to...
A Christmas, isn't he, but I mean, I don't know.
We're supposed to enjoy these things as well.
I spent half the night killing those,
those crab-like, those fleshy,
fleshy crab-like things with the long tails
that keep better thing eggs in our guests.
LAUGHTER
Look, darling, I think for myself as a liberal,
I think a lot of the stuff about immigration
is whipped up by the press,
but I do wish that, Aiden, would fuck off back to space, sorry.
I don't like saying it.
I don't mean that, I don't mean that, I'm sorry.
I can't believe I said that, okay.
Now you're right.
Which is sometimes I just wonder if there was a knock
at the door and it happened to be one of those predator aliens
that I would be a little bit relieved.
And it's an awful thing to say, but I'd rather see them
fight it out to the death. Frankly, in the ones, I've checked, it's not in the radio times
this year, but I would love to actually see the real alien versus predator happening
in our lounge right now. I'm saying it, I've said it. Not on our new rug. He has to make
an effort too. He wouldn't play with nanograms, would he? He has to make an effort too. He
goes both ways. You know what, I'm tempted to just hit the airlock.
I'm hitting the airlock, darling.
I'm hitting the airlock.
And that is the problem with the seedling windows, yeah.
Okay.
Maybe it's time to have a conversation, which is,
let's face it, what we're really trying to talk about there.
We've been pussy-fitting around it.
Let's talk about our fantasy dream homes.
Okay.
What would your fantasy dream home be?
Okay, have you ever seen Trump Tower?
Well, that's the outside toilet for Benjamin,
the Benjamin skyscraper.
For the Bonjamator.
I mean, I'd quite like that, to be honest, for talking dreams.
And a sort of Mardist touch type thing, gold everywhere.
Massive gold tower, live in the penthouse.
Gold suit, gold pajamas to wear.
Gold escalator.
It's quite 80s isn't it in
my mind? Trump towel. Lots of jacuzzi's which is quite an 80s idea. I have been inside Trump
towel. I mean when we were in Trump towel. You couldn't go in. There's shops in the bottom.
Yeah, and there's like McDonald's I think and Trump grill and there was a little store selling
Trump ties. There could be Trump used to there's big red ties all the time?
You could buy one in there.
This was pretty hip-hoping the president.
You know what some really rich people do in my mind is they have a personal shop that's
there of a high-treat brand.
Do you know what I mean?
Would you have one?
What would you have?
That's Streisand, isn't it?
Is it Streisand?
What's she got? Is this something you hear about? Streisand's got a whole sleet of shops that she staves
so she can go shopping in the house.
Crazy.
Really?
Is that true?
Yeah.
Modern sort of Mary Antoinette kind of vibes,
like a folly farm.
Yeah.
And is it all a retail version?
She goes to her, is it like a bookie?
She never goes to her.
Like a real high street.
She's got a real high street.
Not a real high street.
She's got a real high street. You're really going to have to work in that one, though. Create the real high street atmosphere.
What's your perfect dream home then, Henry?
Well, obviously, you too.
It's going to be something huge and vulgar mic.
I imagine it's a huge sort of like glass sort of version of your face with...
But with swan, with swan wings.
With swan wings and you get around everything's like canal based so inside it's all water
You swim from room to room and can he I don't know
There's something really over the top and it's and it's um big for heater restaurant. Yeah, for heater Joe's
Yeah, swim up for heater Joe's and you can have a heater serve to you by
Joe
Biden served you by Joe Biden.
Isn't it such a power move, I might the president
of the United States is rolling up
slow cook pork into a little fajita for you
and asking you if you want.
If you want the japahtel extra,
Gwack, he has to say Gwack you didn't let him so Gwack him over
You want some Gwack with that? It's 70p extra and is is Caps 2 tight as well?
I don't know. It's Caps way too tight before guy sitting on the top of his head he looks
ridiculous. It's so tight. He's got bright red and you say what's
whole charter? And he says, you ask me that every day, I answer this question every day.
Please let me die.
No, Joe Biden, as part of my dream home involves the technology to keep Joe Biden alive and
definitely my dream.
I have a right to pursue my dream job. I didn't.
So Mike, what is your dream? What is your dream?
Well, I think we've got it there.
Yeah, you go. No, no, no, no, no.
Well, by you, Henry, you said you already knew yours.
Yeah, what's your technique?
Well, no, I was going to say that Mike's, and you might as well be
getting something big and crash like that.
Yeah. And I knew yours would be as well, Ben.
Probably tasteless.
Yeah.
You want to live in Trump Tower.
And absolutely dick swinging power move.
But hang on, there's a big visit.
But it's the ultimate, it's the ultimate loft extension
for Ben, isn't it?
He gets, he gets a penthouse extension on top of Trump's penthouse
on top of Trump's tower.
But I've got a big butt.
That's right.
And I cannot lie.
So my butt for this is I want to live in Trump's terror,
but I want to put it in the middle of the savannah.
Oh.
Oh.
Which savannah?
Big old viewing gallery.
Yeah, so I'm surrounded by some zebras
and giraffes and stuff, but I'm 50 floors out.
I'm good.
Pickin' them off.
That's quite good.
With an elephant gun.
Hahaha.
Of course, suddenly changing the architectural landscape,
there's a reason there are regulations
that's going to be like that.
Means you'll be blocking vulture roots.
The vultures won't be able to travel around the same way.
They won't be picking off the dead meat.
That means the dead meat, the carrion lies free.
The worms get bigger and bigger because they go to worms.
Worms carry more carrion than they should be eating. They're offspring or even bigger.
The worms are now big enough to eat lions. The worms are now big enough to eat and breed
with lions.
I bear in mind all the time I'm just watching this happening from the 60th floor
going over the course of a few weeks. You're just watching it going,
Rive, Rive, my pretty. So you'll turn that once flourishing beautiful diverse ecosystem into a
wriggling, necronic troppelice of worms. Of main worms, aren't you? Of main worms.
See, I'll reap what you sow.
So, Ben, I think eventually you'll actually become
a kind of quite a kind of disturbing figure
because you know.
I was just saying become, but.
And now I weighed up the become and I went,
I plumped the cut in the end,
but I did weigh it up briefly.
Just staring out over a kind of an empire
of what an empire of worms, of
grotesque sort of fanged worms. Mike on the other hand will eventually end up ill because
the fact is Joe Biden has not qualified, does not know how to run a hygienic fate
a kitchen. It's not slow roast to pork. It's it's undercooked with anything
So are getting a lot of poor sign parasites
Over the years hang on does this end up in a seven situation where is this massive fang worms?
Like as worms crawling out of him
Feeding feeding on me feeding on Joe Biden and his entourage because he lives in this huge glass thing full of water. That's a perfect ecosystem for mega worms to mega worms to evolve super rapidly. Also, Joe Biden has been kept alive
so much as they ate Joe Biden. He's still alive and he's still he replenishes.
It's an absolute horror show and any of Joe Biden's slowly relentlessly into a death that cannot count by increasingly large worms.
But people are saying that this is made for actually probably one of the top three episodes
of Springwatch of all time.
So you're probably going to need something worm proof. It sounds like
happened. So my first, my first conversation with Kevin MacLeod is going to be about
worm proof thing. We talk about worm proof thing. And he's like, so do you want to convert
a mill or convert a mine? And I don't care about that. Couldn't give a flying fuck Kevin.
Are you listening? We need to be, We need to be ready for the massive worms.
A massive worms in Devon shirt, there are massive worms on the savannah.
If you've got any idea what my life is looking like in five years time, if I'm not
wormproofed.
So I want to talk about wormproofing manufacturers.
I want to talk about wormproof fences.
I want to talk about scurzing boards.
Scurrying boards.
I want to talk about scurzing boards.
I want to talk about handheld, weren't anti-worm ordnance. I want to talk about special guns that have laser-trucking detect worms and blow them up before they even come in within the
second or third of the ten anti-worm primitives that I'm going to live with in.
We're going to need at least one hundred decoy toilets so that it probably doesn't put my toilet
when I'm on it. I've't, I've done so many toilets.
It's just a maths day.
And I can't use any of them.
I'm just, we're gonna need to, some sort of tourist-based guy, I'm just gonna be shitting
into special bags, okay?
We can, I'm dead.
But not in a way that I could throw it and feed the worm.
But can we need the first upwards toilet, okay?
So take everything you need about plumbing and gravity and turn it on its head, because
that's what we're gonna need.
You're gonna have to go straight through to the stratosphere and then up beyond
Be on door bits. Okay
We're gonna have to drivel to these turds. Do you understand are you listening?
So six months ago
I had a conversation with Henry about crazy things the first ever
Wormproof Megatoy. That's how he's getting on.
Oh God, he's covering worms.
Oh, that's what I'm saying.
I'm trying to be a...
I've got this replacement Kevin McCladdwerm.
It's a worm wearing a suit and trainers.
Ah!
Wormy vs. upon us.
Yeah.
I see this as a kind of medieval morality tale, which is both of you fell for at least six
of the seven deadly seven deadly
sins of your plan.
Averis and just wanting to be golden shiny, greed and ones you have fajitas around the
clock served up by a serving president of the United States.
And serving.
He's now processing.
No one there.
Sloth isn't there from the get go right?
Bob and about not thinking through anything. Bob and about on waterborne canals, getting
fed phases.
What are those ones?
Roth.
Roth.
Roth.
Roth.
Yeah, the broth.
Both of you are eating.
And of course, let's not forget last, the worms are a metaphor.
The worms are a metaphor.
So in my, but my one you see, so you both end up getting punished in a sort of, you know,
a heronymous Bosch-esque worm nightmare.
Yeah.
And which is your just desserts?
Whereas, I, this is my dream home.
My dream home is actually, you know what?
Wherever my friends are.
Oh, your friends are.
Your friends are dead, they're consumed by giant worms.
Which means it's weather-dried worms. I wish I had now friends with the worms.
The worms are eating me.
Now I was going to say, my team home is actually a nice, quite humble, vintage,
London property with nice brick work, nice little garden. But the main thing is, near a good bookshop.
I don't need, I don't need a huge glass helipad, like Ben and Sysson.
And yes, every helicopter smash through that
helicopter, we try to down. Helicopter pilots are increasingly
unwilling to pick Benjamin up. And for his hunting sprees,
yeah, for little chips, because you like to be dropped
into amongst the worms that you know, in your in your worm cage,
just for a moment, look at them, writhing up close.
in your worm cage just for a moment and look at them riding up close. Mmm hmm.
Look at them, my pretty is looking at them.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Rise, rise.
Where's all I want actually?
I didn't need a glass helicopter.
I just need a good old fashioned railing that I can attach my bicycle to.
Because I'll have a walk to the bookshop every now and then.
And once in a while I'll bicycle my way down to the National Portrait Gallery.
And you know what I'll do for me is a luxury.
Actually sit in front of Portrait Prince Charles.
I'm out of our king for seven hours, seven hours.
But hang on, what's happened?
Every painting in this Portrait Gallery is now of a massive worm.
What? What? It of a massive worm.
What?
A massive worm wearing a lovely tailored suit with horribly distended hands.
It's horribly distended.
Are those sausage fingers, my worm fingers?
Time for your emails.
When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress.
Like a robot chewing a horse.
Dip me your horse.
My beautiful horse.
Okay, time to read your emails.
If you'd like to email us, you can do so at threebean salad pod at gmail.com.
Yes, please.
A reminder that threebean salad at gmail.com doesn't go to us.
Somebody contacted me on Twitter this week saying we hadn't responded to Zmail and he
hadn't sent it to us.
Who'd he sent it to?
Sorry. Threebean salad at gmail.com. Of't sent it to us. Who'd he sent it to?
So three being salad at GMM.
Or so we?
Three being salad pod.
Where three being salad, yeah.
We're not actually a salad.
That's the important thing to...
I'm going to.
But I do wonder like whoever owns three being salad
is probably getting a fair number of emails I imagine
about various things they do not understand.
I'm trying to run a bean business.
And people are asking me, people are getting angry
with me about facts to do with asteroids.
LAUGHTER
Exactly.
I'm not cut out for this business, Marjorie.
I'm closing down three bean salad.
That could happen, couldn't it?
Yeah.
OK, let's start with the aftermath of last week's...
Bollocking.
The double-bollock.
The double-bollock.
WHISTLE BLOWS
I was Bollock because I said that Jeff Capes was dead.
Oh, yes.
And he is alive.
So I'm sort of accepting that bollock.
But Mike was bollocked for describing him as a wrestler.
Patrick emails with what he describes as Jeff Capes counter-bolicing.
Ooh.
So that means we've reached a state of what we thought was bullet-stasis.
And we, a bollockock had been given and accepted.
But he's actually a giant Bollock is rupturing
the very ground underneath our feet.
Here, it's not over.
That's what he's saying.
Patrick, right, Steer Beans.
As perhaps the only listener to Three Beans Salad
to have written a book detailing the history
of professional wrestling.
Yes, very strong stuff.
I wish to offer a counter-bollock
to the listener-bollocking directed at Mike for suggesting that Jeff
Cakes was not a wrestler.
Although most prominently known as a strong man, shot-putter and prolific buddhrygar
breeder, Jeff Cakes did in fact compete in at least one wrestling match in 1987 against
the Dutch wrestler and judoka, Chris Dolman. Judoco. What's that? Is that kind of version of that somewhere
between Sudoku and Judo?
Judoco.
Judoco.
You have to, yeah, to turn your opponent
into the shape of a number.
Nine times.
Nine times.
Each one unique.
So this is interesting.
So this is a bollock to bollock.
Just just to understand, this is a bollock to bollock.
It's a kind of bollock shield. I don't know if it's the full shield. It feels more like a sort of bollock to bollock, just for people to understand. This is a bollock to bollock. It's a kind of bollock shield.
I didn't know if it's the full shield.
It feels more like a sort of bollock amelioration.
Really?
You think it's kind of post-bollock self?
I think I even at the time I can remember saying,
accepting the bollock, but also feeling that Jeff
Cope's probably knew his way around a wrestling ring.
Yes.
But Mike, were you specifically referring to that one base
in 1987?
Well, you might have, Mike.
I would have been a pivotal event me growing up, me understanding what is a man, how to
be, how will I be when I grow as I transition from boy to man, what does that mean?
And that's what my parents would have sat me down to and have a lot of. Military moustache as wide as possible.
You knew that.
Yeah, that was obvious from the get go.
Yeah, but you needed to combine that with something,
something else and activity resting.
Well, let's just put a pin in that
bullet for a moment because you've also had another email from
Rob, Rob titles the email, Jeff Kakesbolaking,
in defense of Mike.
Okay.
And this is a different line of Defence for you Mike,
if you really want to pull out of this bottle.
Well, the the Bollock Cavalry really are.
Yeah.
Charlie in here, don't they?
Yeah.
I wanted to send in a technicality in Defence of Mike.
If he wanted to issue a retrospective reflective
Bollock on the subject of Jeff Kakes.
I don't think it's ever been done before,
but which is an exciting idea, but carry on.
Yep.
Whilst the her suit beef cake was undoubtedly a strong man, a key element of world's strongest
man competitions at the time was arm wrestling.
But enough about Mike, what about Jeff Cakes?
That was not the character we were supposed to be talking about, right?
I made that, I come in too late with that.
That was supposed to follow on on the thing about the hairy beefcake.
We could manipulate that in the edit, but I don't think late with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was supposed to follow on on the thing about the hairy beef cake. Wait, and we could manipulate that in the edit,
but I don't think we'll bother.
No, probably right, anyway.
No.
He writes to me that qualifies Jeff Capes as a wrestler of sorts,
and means that the ballicking was wrongly accepted.
There is also some particularly gruesome footage
of the bone being ripped from his arm during our wrestling match,
which I haven't included, but it seems unfair to deny someone the title wrestler when they're willing to
suffer for their own being ripped from his arm.
That's what he said.
That's what he says.
That doesn't sound right at all.
That's sure he does.
I think the origin of arm wrestling is that you're trying to wrestle the arm from the
man.
So is he saying that arm wrestling is a form of wrestling?
Well, yeah, because it is, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah. And he's suggesting that, and in which, Jeff Capes got fully
kind of cartoon chicken drumsticks in the middle of an arm wrestling match.
Oh.
Okay, well, I appreciate the support I do.
By, I think it would be disingenuous of me to try and do a retrospective.
Well, is it even possible, Mike? I think that's what we need to decide. Well, it's not in the
statute, but I mean, there's without to go all the way to the Supreme Court, wouldn't it, I think.
I don't think I don't think this is strong enough to really test that yet. Plus, I think I accepted the ball looking in good faith.
I appreciate the support that's out there. But I think we all know that Jeff
keeps, I mean, I was wrong. He wouldn't have defined himself as a wrestler,
to define himself as a keeper of his life. He's still alive, right? He's still alive, remember.
Okay. Yeah. Careful. So, yeah, he doesn't define himself as a wrestler, we're saying.
No, he does define himself as a, as a
formerly very strong man. What I'm going to let you know, though, Mike, is that you, you could,
whilst accept, whilst having accepted that volupt last week, you could issue a
volupt back, a counterbolic to Lee who originally bollocked you, for bollocking you.
The, the, the multiverse theory of bollocking, whereby my, that's where my, can both accept and reject
a boluck simultaneously into different universes.
Well, he has accepted the boluck, so he could now bolickly, it's like counter-suing someone.
I don't, I don't think I need to go as strongly as bolickly, but I know that, I know that
Lee is, maybe learnt the most valuable lesson of all.
It's, which is, he's either a bollock around, isn't it?
Yeah.
See, yeah.
If we point out the bollock in someone else's eye, why don't you look to your own
bollocks.
Look, Joe, box, keep your own bollocks in checkmate.
Yeah.
Let he who is without sin cast the first bollock.
Yeah.
Very good.
We had an email from Mike, Mikey, who emailed us, I think it was last week or the week before,
about his experience with Bolivian dictated Hugo Banzer.
Oh, yeah.
That was great.
I enjoyed that.
He's back, is he?
And at the time we put out a call to anyone else who is there to give their own
Rashaman like retelling.
We wanted other accounts, didn't we?
Location, other accounts.
Context.
And we did put a call out to maybe if Hugo Banzer was listening,
he could say what he remembers about Mikey,
Q jumping him.
So he writes dear beans.
Unfortunately, Hugo Banzer died about a year after
the Q jumping incident.
You don't get over that, do you? I mean, unfortunately he's doing a lot of work there.
We don't think Hugo Banzer was probably very nice, was it because he was a dictator?
Yeah, so I'm not here to be pleased about anyone's death.
He's not featured on the podcast, Real Dictators yet, so I don't know the details of his crimes,
but I'm guessing he wasn't very nice.
So because Hugo Banzer is dead, Mikey says he can give us more details himself.
So as for more details on the story,
this took place at the Virgin of Macarena Church
in Santa Cruz, Bolivia.
I was not afraid for my life.
Banzo was really short, barely over five at all.
Classic dictator. Classic dictator.
Couldn't get on inferno or to...
Thought park away.
You know what?
I'm going to go absolutely shes whatever press freedom.
That's not the end of the thing.
And the stern German priest, Father Carlos,
later left the church and ran off to Germany
with his Brazilian boyfriend.
Great.
Good on you, Father Carlos.
I don't.
Carlos, right.
If you would like more stories about my time growing up in Bolivia
Here are some I'd be happy to tell and he's given us a menu of eight stories Wow, I mean this guy needs to be doing a podcast really yeah
It's a mess without a me-guanac dough. It's about well nothing really. This feels like he's done what they did
My Donald's nice sort of touch screened it. It's like you'd select your anecdote
Do you want to supersize this anecdote? Do you want to supersize it?
Do you want to side tangent?
What side tangent would you like?
Would you like it with sauce?
Yes, please.
Here we go.
These are the eight stories we can ask for.
Would you like one, how I dodged the Bolivian military service by bribing a top official?
I mean, that's, I like it, but it sounds like he's given the ending away within the title.
That's a mistake.
That's why it's not called the Titanic that sank.
Yeah. Story two. How my grandfather helped organize the banza coup in the 70s?
Whoa, blind me. So maybe Mikey's more on the side of Hugo Banza than the other
bands. He's obviously was very evil. I'm sure as a dictator wasn't he?
Probably not ideal, yeah. But somewhere in his name, it just sounds really fun, isn't it? Hugo Banzer.
Yeah, yeah. It's a bit too close to Hugo Banzer, isn't it, that's good. It sounds like he
should be the leader of a kind of swing band or something like that. Exactly. And introducing
Hugo Banzer and the wide leg trouser boys.
It's also, yeah, it's too close to Banzer and too close to banter, isn't it?
You go banter.
Story 3.
The many times I was tear-gassed.
I'm interested.
That's very heavy.
Next is my favourite one.
Story 4.
Being in a sauna with five
Bolivia and ex-presidents.
Oh my God, that anecdote has been supersized.
How many expressants do you want in this sauna?
Five.
Wow.
Can you imagine being in a sauna with David Cameron,
Liz Trass, Theresa May, John Major, John Major, girls.
No, I'm in Blair Brown. Brown will be great value in a sauna. Total comfort with his
body, no trouble with new tea whatsoever. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, at the first sign of
anything being dropped on the Floyd Bebending O with pick it up, it's like, no, again,
it's just natural. Again Gordon, no one's, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Uh oh. Lured content warning.
Lured content. Content.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, extraordinary. Oh, that's John Major joining in. It's great when members of opposing parties can work together because this at this chanukenic date is a cross party issue. And which of
them is doing the smaller propeller? Well, that you had to be in the sauna to know that. It was John Major. No, I actually put my hands to say.
Come on down.
Okay.
So that's my favourite story of his.
But there's still four more to choose from.
Five.
How my dog was stolen and how my dad and I stole him back.
Oh, wow.
Again, there's the ending there. Oh, you think, yeah, you think
he's given away the... But I do want it before it was set us out of too hard, running, I don't think
I could have coped, but now to be fair to me, I can, yeah, I do want to hear it. All of these stories
so far have been feel like they are set against the backdrop of, you know, of the history of
living politics, sort of 20th century living politics, right?
Except that last one.
Is that just about a dog?
It depends who stole the dog.
Was it stolen by the regime?
Yeah.
King of May, don't care.
Story 6.
The time I met a manonite who had fashioned his own metal teeth.
Okay.
Just don't cover this.
Cover this pause.
Well, we could, I'm googling that.
I think a manonite is a kind of, it's like being armistro one of those kinds of
sex.
Wow.
Christian sex.
And then the second you always come across in a zombie film.
Story seven.
My experience going to a Bolivian circus where the main acts were a chicken and a goat.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
I mean, normal second sex is 100% but it's got some stiff competition that one.
Who really does, yeah. Yeah. Point A, he says, says there's a lot more but I won't keep you reading.
Thanks Beans. Mikey. So he's got even more stories in the locker. I'd go for two or four like
his first choice, but that's tough. For me, it's got to be being in the sauna with five
believe in. Well, let's ask him, I mean, Henry, you happy with that? Let's.
I'm happy. I mean, I, I, I, I, let, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, ever been in a sauna with an ex head of state, do get in touch.
Or any foreign dignitaries of its five or more, I suppose.
Yeah, you need to have the ante.
Okay, now a couple of weeks ago, you remember
we talked about cruises?
Yes, yep.
And we put out a call for people who'd worked on boats
and how is it interested in how it is you become
a captain of the career structure?
Yeah, yes. Will emails, deer beans. When I saw the title this week's episode, Cruises, boats and how is it interesting how it is you become a captain of a cruise ship. Yes.
Yes.
Will emails, deer beans.
When I saw the title of this week's episode, Cruises, I was slightly trepidaceous as I
thought I might need to send in a bolloking.
My fees were worsened upon your request for maritime expertise from the listenership, given
the time a former navigational officer on a cruise ship.
What?
However, I am pleased to issue an anti-bolloking for the most accurate description of a cruise ship. What? However, I am pleased to assure you an anti-bolicing for the most accurate description of a cruise
ship I've ever heard in the popular media.
The piss-loosing, the beards, and the flirting on the captain's table was if you'd been
on the fly on the wall during my career at sea.
I now work on land, setting the standards of training for sea fairers, and the lack of knowledge
around maritime careers is one of the biggest challenges we face. It's actually quite simple to
become a captain. You apply to become a deck cadet with a shipping company, which could be a cruise
or anything else in the merchant navy, and they pay for your training and pay while you train.
You then progress through the ranks from officer of the Watch to Chief Mate and finally Master or Captain. It's a great way to start a career as it has solid
progression and you get no debt from university. Thanks for the help with the publicity.
Nice. Brilliant. Maybe we'll inspire some seafarers to go and
slow-space all over the world. It's basically the same career progression and effectively the same
job as working in a pizza hut. But you just have titles like Master of the Watch
and Admiral of the size.
I'm much better title as a self.
I'm quite tempted.
I have to be honest.
I might not be here by this time next week.
I quite fancy.
You'll be the oldest deck cadet on the Seven Seas.
I could see Mike though, very quickly rising up the ranks. I don't think Mike would trouble the decks for too long.
But going even further than Chip Captain and going up to Shico Bandit.
Chip Tata. Admiral of the fleet.
With an armada of cruise ships.
At his command.
I've got to say, when he sketched out the very obvious career progression through that, I just thought,
I want to be there. He does sound good, doesn't it?
Given that we all live in a sort of career
where there's no career progression
or any progression, the thing you can go wrong
at the turn of a hat is it's pancake structured.
So it's a gradual flattening and thinening.
There's no.
And a loss of a peeling and a thing.
And a loss of a peeling and thing.
And if you're lucky, you get covered in an Nutella.
Yeah.
But probably only once.
Right. And solve for sort of four pounds, 50 at a music festival, fed to a dog. And if you're lucky you get covered in Nutella, but probably only once, right?
And sold for sort of £450 a music festival fed to a dog.
It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com
For a smash free beat salad. Thanks everyone for signing up on our Patreon.com 4Sash 3B
Salad
Thanks everyone for signing up on our Patreon. Thank you
Patreon.com 4Sash 3B
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We make a monthly bonus episode that comes at the end of the month
The only way to get that is to sign up also you can get ad free episodes and if you sign up at the Sean B&T
You've got a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean lounge
Where Mike was last night.
Oh, yeah.
And there was a kind of slightly somber mood in the lounge, wasn't there?
Well, at times, yes.
Well, that's because it was the, it was the, it was the evening of remembrance for career
opportunities that people turned down and regretted turning down eventually.
Yeah, thank you. But you're quite right, so it was, and here's my report.
It was the evening of remembrance for career opportunities that people turned down and regretted turning down eventually at the Sean Bean Lounge last night.
Given the rowing was off the charts, Sean Bean advised the lounges that however hard they rude, someone was rowing harder.
Sure, Jacob Thorns passed on the chance to be a high-speed souffle chef on a Japanese
bullet train, but Ashley Kate Wheeler ought to be now to be NASA's number one podiatrist.
Amy Barker turned her nose up at stress-testing electric guitars, so 80s rock stars could
be sure they'd pick the right one to smash on stage. Ethan Anderson could have been a professional long-term sleep study subject and not even
had to change his own nappies.
Patrick O'Connor ignored a tap on the shoulder and failed to become an imperial military helmet
designer, something he would have excelled at, as would Aaron Baden Smith as a getaway driver
for a Belgian duel thief if Aaron had only said, yes.
David Payne turned down three-dream jobs in the form of stand-in stuntman
and sex scene body double-three young Jesse Plemons. Paul Dunne would have been mortgage-free
by now had he grasped the nettle and become an artificial insemination kit training day salesman.
Maya Catoon in his life as a lion tamer-tamer never panned out, and to this day broadly speaking,
lion tamers remain at best an unruly bunch. Alex King isn't a gecko-duiler, and Rosie Harding isn't a pianist specialising in the
accompaniment of great foreflute candidates. Ryan Hammond isn't a Badge-Cow ombudsman,
and Dominic Newman isn't a feared and declined erotic fiction critic.
And Katie Wookie issued the role of Omni Muse for all creative endeavors in the 2010s
as it sounded insulting, but realised last night that, had she pursued it, Sean B. never
would have ended up voicing corporal hill in the movie Pixels. Bit of pills to swallow indeed, but we swallowed
them together. Thanks all.
OK, that's the end of the show, but we'll play out with the version of our theme tune,
sent in by one of the audience, the listening audience now. Who shall we pick? By the way,
I just want to let people know, I pick these at random. Sometimes people say, why didn't you pick mine?
It's completely random.
So it may still be picked?
It probably will be.
Exactly.
Anyone that stands in has still very much in the Tombola.
So this is from Daniel.
He says, please find attached a short version of your theme
played on a magic piano at a soft play.
I took my toddler to on Horadayne Cornel.
Excellent.
So we'll play with that.
Thank you for listening and welcome to French Radio 4.
Thank you. Bye.
you