Three Bean Salad - Assassinations
Episode Date: December 6, 2023The beans are back! A bumper episode to kick off the new series. Lots to cover. And Samuel steers the beans towards the topic of assassinations which absolutely classic Samuel frankly. Knuckle down an...d let’s get through this together people.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Whoa Henry, you're looking pretty fly.
Thanks man, a lot of the chicks and guys I know was saying the same thing earlier.
Isn't that right Mike? Look at him, he looks amazing.
He looks like a cool dude.
To keep him fresh, walking along the promenade.
He looks like he could be wearing roller skates, but he isn't.
He's just cool enough without him.
I'm turning heads these days, whereas before I was turning stomachs.
What's your secret, Henry? Where did you get those sweet gums from?
Ah, souped by gums referring to these threads. Well, these hot new threads that I'm wearing.
I got them down the, down the sweet little three-bean salad merchandising store.
Whoa, I've heard about this. Is that three-bean salad shop.com?
That's the exact same one. It's got t-shirts, which we call tees.
It's cock mugs, which we call mees.
And it's got badges, which, no, it doesn't.
It's got no badges.
It's got badges.
Oh, look, under your arm, I thought that was a skateboard,
because you're so cool, but it's not.
It's actually a jigsaw.
That's right.
There's a jigsaw in it, which we call a jigsie.
And it's a jigsaw based on one of the artworks
that they incredibly talented.
I think he's called Henry Pucker.
Does?
I hope I get to meet him one day.
Oh, you can also buy artwork by Henry from this shop, got it?
Yeah, there's also artwork you can buy. Nice square prints.
There's a range of t-shirts with different things with the three-been logo and different bits and bobs, isn't there?
There's a crab belt t-shirt.
There's also a single sticker.
You can buy a single sticker.
Anyway, that's the shop. Three-bebean salad shop.com. Get yourselves down there.
3bean merch for all the family.
Hang on, I'm just starting my backup recording.
I did do a backup.
You don't do a backup, do you?
Well, it's the risk that keeps me fresh.
It's the sense of danger.
It's like... Yes, but it's only been and myself
that experienced any of the anxiety associated.
Exactly. I transfer the anxiety.
I'm like a high-wire artist
who's pushing his assistant out onto the wire.
From the top of the towel block, he's pushing his assistant and her brother onto the wire,
on some special roller skates, where the wheels are at right angles to the direction of the
shoe. Crab skates.
Crab skates.
This year's Christmas bonanza hit.
I mean, I think it's what the West End needs, isn't it?
A sideways production of Starlight Express.
Exactly.
An ascan't take on Starlight Express.
Where the whole thing is a conceit, which is imagine what was happening behind the scenes during style express so the audience looks at the stage as if from the wings.
Okay. Yeah.
It was a stage manager's POV experience.
They get stage manager's POV or actually another take on it is all hold of this is on the stage looking into the wing,
so they're seeing what's going on behind the stage, so they're actually getting a,
so that's why you need the sideways, really skate. So what's that? Fire extinguisher POV?
Safety bucket POV. I wonder if people know this, Starlet Express is a musical set in the...
Well, it was a musical. It's coming back. Is it this year? Well, next year, yeah.
Right me. Should we all audition? My key've had your audition. Don't pretend.
Right, look at my, look at my, look at my, how we have this.
That's so bashful. I am an electric female mate.
Right, self. If you've seen a middle age man on his road,
it's going around the extra area in a tight
silver unitard, he wasn't auditioning for the new John Lewis ad, but he is working.
But he's working.
You must have been quite the, I imagine, a, talk of the town in the next every morning,
going around in his silver unitard on your road escape, in the crab positions, a sideways
escape. Well, you would crowd positions, a sideways escape.
Well, you would think there's a lot of it about these days in Exeter. What people auditioning for style experts, a lot of people on, it's inliners on the whole, it's what you tend to see,
sideways inliners, and most people don't bother with the unit art, but they will wreck themselves in
you know, baking, baking foil. What's make-do in men, doesn't it?
Oh, yeah, there'll be a little bit of jam on the baking foil,
but you know, we don't criticize that sort of thing.
And that's one of the wonderful things about the extra spirit, isn't it?
Is that make-do in men mentality, which is...
If you can't do it with jam,
why are we even having this conversation?
Isn't it?
That's...
That's one of the...
What's what it says on the flag?
The jam flag.
The only flag in the world actually made out of jam.
It's boiling hot and impossible to ensure.
But another wonderful thing about extra, I imagine it's very quickly, he become part of the
daily routine, don't you? The fishmonger, you know, his morning hasn't got going until he's seen you
whizz passed on.
Oh, he sets his clock by it. Yeah. And he'll chuck you up, probably like a handful of scallops
or whatever. As he whizzed past into Mike's mouth. He sees the silver of my unitile reflecting
in the silver of a glossy macro that he's just humps down to make it look fresher than
it really is. Yeah.
And he tosses me the scallops and we bid bid idea for the day. You know, show me a macro that you can't.
Can't hose off.
Can't hose off for at least three to four months.
Before we get to the Vaseline stage, you're not running a respectful fish mongers.
Well, it's all about the glossiness of the eyes, isn't it, with a fish?
So, with a macro, of course, you can hose it for a bit.
The eyes will have a, keep a certain amount
of life in them.
But after a week or so, you are having to replace those eyes
with fresh pig eyes.
That's the old trick, isn't it?
And they will pop a pig's eyes in a macro.
Well, it draws in the punters.
They pop, don't they? Because, of of course a pig is the third most intelligent animal
and therefore it's one of the only animals that can have a quizzical expression isn't it?
That also retains its quizz on itself today.
It retains the quizzicalness.
Well for a good sort of year doesn't it?
And and of course the human being interprets the universe,
the world around it through eyes,
and where they're aren't eyes, we will see eyes,
AG, the front of a car, doesn't have eyes,
but shoes have eyes, doesn't it?
Do you know what I mean?
Nobs on things, buttons, they all become eyes,
because we have to faceify something.
Yeah, before we can to faceify something. Yeah.
Before we can emotionally interact with it.
So therefore, it's so, it's so facto.
QE pig.
Yeah, it all follows.
Of course, very, you know, it's, when times are tough for fishmen because it's, you
see, sad when this has to happen, but, but you know when the fish all swim south for the winter
When the fish all swim south for the winter. It's horrible sight to see but you'll see
Fish mungers using really really really old fish. So fish that they've actually just been using say insulate
insulate the shop
They'll get that stuff out and
You'll actually see sometimes a fish munger,
a son or a fish munger's daughter will be asked to go under
the fish table, poke the head up, and then have a tuna,
have a hollowed out tuna head, then put onto them,
like a sort of helmet, which they wear.
And then they sort of jiggled around,
so there are eye holes lying up,
and you've actually got live human eyes sometimes
in some of those things.
It's what you do what you have to do, don't you? It's going to bring, it's going to bring punders in, isn't it?
It brings in all these things.
For the, for the Christmas tuner, you know.
Exactly.
And, and also that's why Mike's useful to the Fishman group this time of year because
what can happen is Mike goes past sideways and is murderous,
in his, in his, in his, in his, uh, unitarred, silver unitarred.
And the Fishman, you can go, God, look at that.
And while everyone's looking at Mike,
quickly his son of daughters is putting their head up
through the bottom of the fish table.
Yeah, exactly.
The head goes on.
And people don't notice, people don't see it happen.
Yeah.
But that's how a community works.
That's how a community works.
Everyone has their parts of play, don't they?
And then of course, the customer says,
oh, I'd love that.
That's actually, that tuna is so fresh,
it's winking at me.
I'm like, is that tuna so fresh?
It seems to be crying.
That must have tuna.
There seems to be doing some geography homework.
I don't know.
I'm not.
Is that tuna vaping?
Yeah, sorry, that tuna's got to go for it.
Sex is very less than in 15 minutes, so I can't tell you that.
I thought I thought sushi was fresh, but I've never seen a tune of filling out this
U-cass form.
I'll have that one.
And good luck with Reading University.
And then of course the fishmonger in a very very difficult place there because then they
have to make the decision.
Well, do they carve their son or daughter up to be ahead their first born or and this
is again the community comes together or hang on a minute, Miss Madam.
What's that?
Oh, the silver, the silver rolling crab middle age man, he's come back and Mike's rolling back down the hill.
Creates a second distraction.
And meantime, the child is swapped out,
is shoved into the display lobster,
and the actual tuna is just stuffed with,
bits of newspaper and stuff,
and that's salt of the customer.
The fish manga, of course, then has to move town.
So it's a system and you've got to have a system.
You've got to have a system.
Can I suggest we start this new series with a little pompadoo?
It's please.
Here I go for it.
So as this is a pompadoo, normally we'd play the pompadoo jingle that I made, but someone has sat
went in. Ooh.
This is from Arthur Tattersall. Thank you, Arthur.
Please find it close. My brand-spanking new booming grotesque and quite brutal,
very, very boring, bad and foe humble new metal style pompadoo theme. I call it French tubes.
Okay.
Well, there's a lot going on.
Quite a lot to get your head right now, isn't there?
We just need to have a listen.
What's the like to me was new metal,
one of the worst genres ever created?
That's new and you.
A new new man.
What does that mean?
It's the kind of rap rock
stuff that was
loomed large in my youth.
Okay, okay.
Your horns?
Right, yeah, I'm with you.
Yeah.
Lid biscuits.
I didn't realise that I had the word, new attached to it somehow.
I didn't miss that detail.
I often think about how, you know, previous generations got to grow up where the music of
the day was, the Beatles.
Still lauded.
Still lauded generations later.
Or, you know, 1970s could have been growing up with the Sex Pistols and all that excitement.
Yeah.
And I got, for me, my heaven, 16th century, what 17th century Bach, just to have, yeah,
to have been a teenager, hanging around a Leipzig Cathedral in the Bosch pit.
Yeah.
That would have been, for me, that would have been for me, that would have
been amazing. Yeah. Yeah. But I got new metal. You got new
metal. There's nothing good about it. It's a brief and a
brief and rubbish genre. Anyway, let's see how Arthur is
weave that genre into the Pompadoo theme. It's please here is
our brand spanking you booming protest. Quite brutal, boring, bad and faux humble new metal style. I'm not gonna be a fan of you.
I'm not gonna be a fan of you.
I'm not gonna be a fan of you.
I'm not gonna be a fan of you.
I'm not gonna be a fan of you.
I'm not gonna be a fan of you. I'm not gonna be a bit fun to drink.
Actually, you know what? I don't approve of this kind of thing.
But leave you me. I know a killer, Gorgon. I hear it. And I can tell you that that wasn't what. In fact, I've rather tempted to have you assassinated.
Ooh, very good. Was that featuring AI Henry?
Yeah, Henry B. Faye Kenry. They, Henry. They John Lennon do you, I think.
They Lennoned me.
Yeah. I think you must have actually said those words.
I've never said those words. That was pretty good, actually.
It brought back all this wrong with Neumassah.
I've forgotten the heavy use of DJ turntable lists.
Yeah.
Right, yeah.
I really gross kind of thing needs to do.
And also that bass sound, which is really metal I really gross kind of thing needs to do and also that base sound,
which is really metal. It's kind of just something gross about it that I can't really put my finger on.
But good work Arthur. Thank you. I mean, fantastic. Fantastic. Very, very good. Yeah.
And were this 2002? I'd have been going insane for it. You'd be wearing a t-shirt with
a longer sleeve shirt underneath it. And heading with a bag of 90s crisps in your arm under your arm.
I'd have been very much in my S Club phase at that point, which is being in the band S Club.
As there, S Club number eight.
The number eight shirt.
The silent partner. How in the wings, understudying, ready to go, the drop of a hat.
And you couldn't say for any of those things.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the fake boobs, the wigs, the pistach, the pistach can see the kicks.
Pop socks.
The pops socks.
You had the thigh expanders, you had the, you had five different sets of carve muscles.
Didn't you, that you could swap in and out.
You were ready to go.
Well, you were a one-man, that's one man, a scrub seven, weren't you, and the pubs, pub
seeing.
Well, that's how I made a living for a while, until they found out.
And I got the old season to assist.
Luckily, you hadn't declared any of that income, you know, cash in hand, so they could not
touch you beyond the custodial sentence.
17 pounds, 50 years, all mine. So how does that work?
The one man S Club seven, there's the conceit that at any one time, the other six members of S Club
seven are going to the toilet. And then one is left on stage. And that one's Mike. Yeah, that's
always the way. Also, you know, the way, though, because Mike technically played all of them.
Also, you know the way, though, because Mike technically played all of them, so Mike's income was declared as a seven within seven identities, what it meant was, you know the way that
the people invented Coca-Cola con on the same plane.
I can't go on the same plane either.
As myself.
Over the Coca-Cola people either.
So that's been difficult, hasn't it?
There's seven sets of income tax to pay every year as well, which is really actually, I'm feeling the pinch of it now.
And what of course on the plus side, the positive top posting the money to seven different
pensions as well, isn't it? You're depositing money into. So yeah, yeah, seven state pensions should
be. Should almost be just about enough to live off by the time we retire.
Yes, don't worry about that, Mike.
What with inflation as it is, although given the triple lock actually pinches a lot better
off than the rest of us.
I love us to have pensions because we're free now.
I haven't got around to it.
Source of anxiety.
I'm really happy to be able to show you how she hadn't brought it up, actually.
I think about it.
Basically, penchant is one of my trigger words. I mean, I'm currently experiencing a panic attack,
but luckily I've developed my neck muscles to a degree whereby
my face can still keep saying things.
It's a cover.
Your body's in crisis.
My body's in crisis, I've actually passed out.
Yeah.
But luckily in lieu of a pension, you can always just run as hard as you can into a brick wall.
Yeah.
Although these days might be the Rodney Newbills
they're throwing up,
the brick wall would fall over before you did.
Yeah.
So this pompadoo,
when I noticed that I find myself quite a lot worrying
where the people outside of the UK understand what we're talking about, because I have
a internationalist outlook.
You do.
For me, every British listener, we're thankful for every listener, but they mean nothing
to me.
I caught the international ear.
Yeah.
And that's why you're on the team.
The first place. Yeah. Exactly. Because of your global reach. Yeah. It's not just people outside
of this country. It's the diplomatic class of those countries as well. So foreign secretaries,
home secretaries, Madeline Allbright, if she's still alive. Yeah. Conveolese arise. International tobacco industry lobbyists.
Oh, yeah.
All of these people.
Yeah.
And Jeff Capes.
He's definitely dead, I think.
And the late wrestler, Jeff Capes.
Well, late, late, Jeff, late wrestler, Jeff Capes, he's the one that you, because you,
obviously, you get so tired, don't you, do all these diplomatic functions that you attend? Yeah. I mean, I've never seen anyone suffer from cannabae
bought them like you have. It's impossible to excite you with a cannabae, isn't it? You literally
have seen it all. Are you able to say no to a volavont? You may be suffering from cannabae fatigue.
What you have to do is, so obviously I've seen a doctor like this, when you've got
cannabae fatigue, obviously what you've done is you've spent too much time eating miniature versions
of other foods.
Right.
Yeah.
So you have to eat huge versions of those foods for a while just to bounce stuff like
out, so mega foods.
Yeah.
It's been really hard.
Absolutely.
Massive, prologue, javelin.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
So I've been through that process and I'm kind of leveling out, which is nice. But so yeah, I spent a lot of time worrying that people don't know what we're talking about.
So I often find myself in the podcast sort of going, oh, just in case people don't know what
you know, Pauline Quirk is, you know. Yeah, and the answer to the question,
what Pauline Quirk is, is she is a state of mind.
She's a state of mind, isn't she?
Yeah.
She's a way of looking at things that one can arrive at.
But it takes a lot of work and you have to have been in birds of a feather.
And again, birds of a feather to have fun with.
Is it kind of, it's in a chord that you come to with the universe
around you. Yeah, that's exactly it. It's a, also a sitcom. It's obviously a sense of
compromise with existence, isn't it? But a happy compromise, I think. Yeah. Like a peaceful
compromise. Yeah. One that you didn't want to make when you've made it, you realize, yes.
Yes. Balance has been restored.
Balance has been restored.
But in a way, which has aged quite badly, I think.
LAUGHTER
And also, a set common which the main characters are women who's
husbands have contrapreson.
And that, and that, yeah.
Living with a Baudi, Ribbled, Brassi.
Brassi.
Perky, Cheeky, intrusive.
Intrusive neighbour.
Played by Leslie Joseph.
Indeed.
Anyway, in what what I've done is in trying to explain to people our references across the world,
we've actually made it much more confusing by talking about in depth about birds or feather,
which is now helpful. But I think what I was getting at is I wonder whether this is time for
jingle, you know, just a crisis, sort of little section when this comes up, just to say, sorry,
we understand you may not understand what this is.
Oh, that's a good idea. Before we do that, can I quickly go off on a tangent, which is
that I'm not tangent, but Pauline Quirk. Pauline Quirk trained as a young woman.
Yeah, you can't just be a young woman.
Not an herger, as you had to train, didn't you?
Yeah, to train.
Yeah, it took years.
Well, being a young woman only really was invented by the Victorians,
wasn't it?
Up until then, it was child to groan instantly.
She trained as a young woman
in a place called the Anasher Theatre.
Now Anasher very sadly passed away recently,
it was in the news.
Did he have the height of this?
No.
Oh, she ran a youth theatre in Islington, Anasher.
Okay.
It was called the Anasher Theatre.
It was for young talented children, one of the actors
and so on. Maybe it was quite big in the 80s and 90s. Maybe...
Why do you suddenly grab anything in and around that time?
It just came back to me that I actually... I attended the Anashaar Academy as well, briefly.
Did you? Yeah. You were in the academyShare Academy was well briefly. Did you?
Yeah. You're in the academy.
Anyone could be in it.
Any jump.
I was before Quirks.
You were before Quirks time.
So sorry.
Time-traveling child actor in the back.
I was after Quirks time, but yeah, it was lots, lots of people, famous people have come through there.
Who's in the alumnus list then? There's a couple of heavy hitters. I was after quite a time, but yeah, it was lots, lots of people, famous people have come through there.
Who's in the alumnus list then?
Let's have a couple of heavy hoses.
I don't think usually.
It's names I haven't heard of.
If any of them.
David Agiola, John Alfred, Lerina Andreja, Gary Beedle, Gianna Benjamin Glenn Berry.
I have heard of Chiara Benjamin.
I think she was.
No, I think of Lucy Benjamin, who's in the standards, sorry.
Pauline Quirk.
Here we go.
Gary Kemp Martin Kemp.
It's a Kemp's.
Sorry, Ben.
I've reacted to your issue by creating the most obstruros obscure reference heavy chat we've ever had.
Surely international people know who the camp is.
They must know the case are.
Dexter Fletcher.
Okay.
Yeah.
Samantha Fox.
Well, well, blind me.
Wikipedia still does have some issues.
It's issue, isn't it?
So I'm not.
Do you mean because you're not on the list? It's issue, isn't it? So I'm not. Do you mean because you're not on the list?
It's issue, isn't it?
Wikipedia is still.
Is that what you mean?
Because for somebody, you're not listed.
I think it's glorious.
It's graduates.
It's still finding its feet, isn't it Wikipedia?
They, um,
Sidowin.
Yeah, he was in the senders.
Yeah.
He's a pretty.
Patipama.
There's a few household names in the mix there, Henry.
Joe Swash.
It's quite EastEnders heavy then.
It's very, it's basically a feeder.
It's a feeder club for EastEnders.
Yeah.
If it was a football club, when EastEnders was a football club.
It's sort of grassroot soap opera stuff.
It's grassroot soap opera stuff.
Yeah, I was at Anishen.
My friend, um, me and my friend, I'm going to call the Zaydoch.
Because he used to hang out with ancient priests, didn't he? my friend, me and my friend, I'm going to call Zadok.
Because he used to hang out with ancient priests, didn't he? Yeah, back at those days. Me and Zadok, we both went along.
Now, you just know when you've got it, I know I knew I had something.
So we were talking about the age of probably like 10.
I had something. So we were talking about the age of probably like 10. Zadoc was more into football and stuff. He wasn't really, you know, he didn't have it. Nice guy, of course,
but that means that it went along. I remember we had to an improvisation. I did what's still
to this day where blood runs cold when I think about how bad the synmiprovisation was, but that we did, right? So we had a little bit of time to create it, me and Zagdok. So we had
a few minutes and I was like, okay, it's got to be funny. So it should probably be a reggae
pastiche of something. I tell you what, I did actually live around the corner from Bernie Grant.
You know Eddie Grant.
You did Electric Avenue at the time.
I'm just trying to load this up with this many references.
The specific references as well.
Basically the punchline of this sketch, which I did in front of the whole school was gathered.
Everyone was to watch your little bit, you had to do.
I'd come up with this idea, and I remember just that the punch line was...
Well, I remember it was that the punch line was there.
No, no.
You don't realize.
Because basically, the sketch was a key dramatic thing in the sketch was someone had to go to the toilet.
Very good.
Yeah.
Strong start, universal.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The punchline was, no, no, you didn't understand.
I don't need to go for a way.
I need to go for a poo.
That was the punchline.
Back home. I was the punchline. Back home in the...
I can't remember what the setup was, but all I remember is there was no justification
for that punchline in the sense that all I'd always established was that the character
needed to go to the toilet. There'd been no...
You saw the word poo would be, yeah.
Why thought you got to end it on the funniest
word you know. And what was the reaction like from the assembled?
Really, really poor. Really, really weak. I was basically looking at the entire cast of
EastEnders in ten years time, scowling at me. And those guys could scow. That's what they trained them to do it.
But, so I remember, I'd let us down a bit, bit pissed off,
a bit of a shame.
Imagine how pissed off I was a month later,
sitting with my family, watching a TV drama
about the Falklands War,
who's that on the next to his dad on the sofa,
having a chat about the Falklands?
Fucking Zaydoch.
Hello? Hang on, was having a chat about the four clans. Fucking Z-Doc. Hello?
Hey, I'm with this documentary.
You were annoyed that...
LAUGHTER
No, which sofa?
It was the same room.
LAUGHTER
Next to you watching the telly,
you watching the telly with Z-Doc on his dad,
or they're on the TV.
It's like my sketch didn't work all over again.
It's happened again.
Like a mega-gag. I mean, exactly this...
Did they do your Wheele Pooh punchline
in a Forkland documentary on television?
But a fictionalized one.
God, I've learned nothing.
I've learned nothing.
Now, the point I should make was,
he ended up in casting a drama drama about the folk ones. Right.
And he was on Telly.
So do you think, do you think potentially that the casting director of that drama, what
should you do your sketch and cross your name out?
It's possible.
I don't know.
But all I know is Zadok ended up being in a TV show.
I think the reason, one of the reasons that story's confusing is a few, but one of them is delivery.
Delivery?
The mention of Eddie Grant for no reason was quite confusing.
It's actually because he called him Bernie Grant,
so that's Eddie Grant's an MP or was an MP.
It was, it was replete with red herrings, wasn't it?
Yeah.
There was mugguffins upon mugguffins.
But, um, as a piece of misdirection, it was,
it was quite exceptional.
Yeah, yeah.
The guys are so zey levels.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I've got you all to look in the wrong direction, but now that you're looking back in the right direction, I haven't pulled a dove out of a box. I've shot myself.
And the devil's attack to members of the audience.
And it's not a dove. It's a very, very hungry raccoon.
Now, the point that, so one of the reasons this story is confusing is that what one of the other
reasons is the end of this story is me on a sofa watching TV. But I think the scene
he was in was a duck in his dad watching TV. So that's another element that's confusing
about it. Because I was watching TV and within the TV show he was watching TV, but it was something to do with the fault plans. And he was playing General Galtieri.
But I think you've underscored Ben's point rather nicely, really?
Yeah, I mean, there's a chance, isn't there, that the whole podcast ends up sort of turning
into an explainer, which we don't want to get into.
But I wonder whether a jingle and that sort of parochial being explainer. Yeah, I wanted to bring
that because I want you liking the early days of the podcast to be quite good if you could both
suggest a genre. I just wasn't I can't think of what this should be like basically.
So if you could give me some genres and I'll be interested in K-pop at all.
Oh, I think that might be hard to achieve. I'm happy to feed that in.
In that case, should it be fitting with, should it be sort of nationalistic in some way,
but with a K-pop edge?
Yeah, should it be, you know, if it's local to the UK, should it be like a, you know,
Welsh male voice choir does K-pop.
Yeah, that's good. That's good.
With a shanty underpinning.
That's my week.
Okay, well, those are all good thoughts. I'm not, I may not have always hit all of those touchstones,
but I'm going to put it in that world. Give in that world. I'm also making Cubist. Okay.
The world's first Cubist music.
I can't go. Okay, cool. Well, you can have that next week.
Now, I've got some big news.
What?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
Changes are a foot.
Ooh.
Is there going to be a bean reshuffle?
There are changes of foot regarding the bean machine.
It still sounds huge.
Now, obviously the bean machine was originally forged in the heat of the industrial revolution
Yeah, and it's been around for a long time, but it's been wholly mechanical that entire time
Yeah, so we're talking pistons we're talking grease
sprockets
spigots there's an entire goose farm isn't there just providing the the fat to oil
Like that's literally just as pockets, isn't it? Like there's a set
prep, there's an entire family of geese that have been pulling oil from the soil.
Oh yeah, the good choice. The size of shopper, isn't it? It's huge.
Yeah. The size and geese renders a day. That's the promise that that's the promise that
you make, isn't it? To yourself. Yeah. And what I want to say is that the changes that
are coming in do not affect that in fact we actually need more geese
Anyway, but the basic point is the system up until now is that people have emailed our email address
Yeah, three being salad pod that dreamer.com saying can this go in the boom machine a bit of a pompadoo here. Sometimes I just forget
To put them in the boom machine slash put them in the
to put them in the B machine slash put them in the spreadsheet.
And it's not your fault, because you're having so many letters of condolence
to Geese and Geese's family,
it's not so much of the time.
We can't expect you to be on top of everything.
Yeah.
So I've automated the process, is what I'm saying.
Oh.
So now there is a website you can go to,
and at that website you can submit topics for the B-machines. You're no longer
need to email us. You can do it in an automated way. It'll go straight through the system into
the B-machines itself, into the central cortex. I have absolutely no idea what that means.
I love that. So at the B-machine end, it would be automatically something somewhere, some 3D
printer is automatically sort of chiseling out the Okun Q that you need was the information to be deposited within
exactly the marsupial information sack.
That's good, thanks Mike.
So do you still have the feature where you can twist your scrotum round,
like loads and loads of times a row, then let go and You can twist your scrotum round,
like loads and loads of times a row, then let go,
and I sort of seaside music.
M-nates, M-nates from you?
Does that still happen?
You've got to put the word scrotum in quotation marks,
really, because I'm sorry, I was, yeah, I was,
it's not a scrotum as you would understand it.
It was geographically where the scrotum might have been once,
plausibly, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's made of 10 dried bull scrotum might have been once. Plotably. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. It's made of 10 dried bull scrotums sewn together
encased in a brass cube.
Yeah, and it's sort of frog spawn.
Yeah, so.
But yeah, no, everything about the mechanical part of the machine is exactly the same as it always has been.
It's very carefully preserved.
Yeah, it's just that the way that we input new information into the beam machine has changed.
So the list has end.
How do they get to that interface?
Well, I've made a jingle, which tells them the URL.
Oh, nice one.
So I got a new URL for this.
Oh, no.
It's quite a long jingle.
Well, I've realized it's a bit long, but please. If you want to put something in the machine
If you want to see it shining is clear. Go to the URL. Enter the bean machine dot boats.
That's right. Enter the bean machine dot boats.
Dot boats. Is it dot boats?
Dot boats. So yeah.
W-W-Z-O-D-O enter the bean machine dot boats. So this is WWE zero zero zero enter the bean machine dot boats.
So this is because you've legally had to register the bean machine as a frigate, haven't you?
In it, in international waters.
In international waters.
In international waters.
In international waters.
In an unarmed frigate.
And that's for insurance purposes, isn't it?
Yeah.
Well lovely work.
Thank you, Ben.
Big, big fan of that.
Yeah, so if you go to enter the bean-machine.boats from there you can submit topics
which will go into the b-machine and they'll go straight in and basically in the past there was
there was a room for human error basically in the past and boy did you human error take place.
On this show, so from a sort of standpoint, what does this actually mean? Oh, Ben's just explained all of that.
Yeah, so, snip that out and stick it in before Ben does explain it.
Come on, let's let that layer together.
I'll come up nice.
Let that layer together.
Right, lovely.
What I will say is all the things that have been submitted so far in the past couple of years,
they will be migrated into the new systems, I don't worry about that. But yeah, this might be the last one that was ever sort of hand cranked. Crank it up, baby. It's got a poignant moment.
It's a real, get the bunting out cream, cream cakes kind of moment, isn't it?
The little union jack flags is like, yeah, we're proud of our heritage, but we're also moving forward.
little union jack flags is like yeah we're proud of our heritage but we're also moving forward.
Is it that? Yeah and get ready for the backlash I last. Golly, wow, what a moment.
And this week's topic are sent in by Samuel.
Thank you, Samuel.
Is assassinations.
Oh, golly, Samuel.
Blimey.
Pretty grisly stuff.
That is grisly.
Mike, you've ever assassinated anyone? Only their character with my swinging satirical stats.
Stand up.
Yeah.
Damn, damn it!
Where do my weapons... No!
Beware the elegant grace of Mike's Deleto wit.
As its skewers get another pundit to the floor of the national. I suppose
you may have made it, haven't you, when you've been assassinated? Oh, it's a warm feeling.
To know that it's been reported as an assassination and not just as a murder. Yeah, because you
can only murder me currently. You can't assassinate me. No, it wouldn't be an essay. You haven't climbed the ranks.
Have climbed the ranks.
Of a crime organisation or political elite tour.
So if I got a hitman to do a woman,
or woman to do Henry, that wouldn't be an assassination.
That's an interesting gray area. If it was an assassin that was doing him in,
is that an assassination?
I do vote. So I am part of the political process. Would your death have ramifications?
That's a big word, isn't it ramifications? To the level of perhaps leading to the outbreak
of a gang war. A border dispute. It's a stretch, isn't it? It's hard to think of a scenario where
that would be the case. But how bloodthirsty is the book illustration scene at the moment?
Because your star has been beginning to rise. You've got a book out with Joe Wilkinson at the
moment. It's out. I mean, you're in the scene, you're part of a conversation. What's it called again?
It's called My Autobiography by Joe Wilkinson,
illustrated by me.
Yeah, and I mean, obviously that makes me a target
as does the other book I've got out at the moment.
Case Incredible Inventions written by Adam Cames,
is one of the kids, but so.
You've got two targets on your back.
I've got two targets on my back.
Or one on the back, one on the front,
like a sandwich, a sandwich target.
And I think all eyes would turn to Quentin Blake.
Yeah.
Well, he's the only illustrator with the power and the spite.
To do something like that. I mean, the thing is with illustration is
it's dead bands right hand gloves. Okay. Isn't it? What's that mean?
Or it's dead bands pens?
It's dead bands pens. What do you mean?
It's dead, it's dead bands pens.
Yeah, it's like a dead man shoes. You know, you know, it's dead man shoes. I don't know what that means. So It's dead man's pens. Yeah, it's like a dead man's shoes.
You know, it's dead man's shoes.
Well, I don't know what that means.
So it's dead man's shoes.
Do you know what it means now?
They like, if a job, you know, a job,
you can only get the person's job once they die.
So dead man's shoes.
Okay.
So it's dead man's pens with a illustration.
So you do have a target on your back.
Luckily, I'm an illustrator.
So I've actually drawn a target on my back,
but avoiding all the fight logons. So you can use a target on your back. Luckily, I'm an illustrator, so I've actually drawn a target on my back, but avoiding all the fight logons.
So you can use tactics like that.
I still don't need the house without fake head.
You've got a decoy, Henry and a decoy flat.
I've got a decoy, Henry and a decoy flat.
Uh, who cost me a bloody fortune.
He actually earns more than I do.
But that's the worst because you have But that's because you have got Jack.
Jack is the only man who could carry it off.
And he's giving absolutely wonderful to the co-herent at the moment.
He really is.
And Sasha Shane, a lot of that work isn't noticed because no one knows which one he is.
Well, whether he's even this one right here, right now, he might be.
We might be podcasting with Jack.
We might. It's exciting, isn't it? It's true. Well, that's's even this one right here, right now, he might be. We might be podcasting with Jack, we might. It's exciting, isn't it?
That's true.
Well, that's the safest way.
But yes, no, Quentin Blake.
People often wonder how he mastered that style, where, you know, his line is so loose and
sort of, it's almost messy, but so expressive.
Yeah.
Because his hand is still jiggling from all the machine gun he does all day.
He's never has a still hand because he's taking down illustrator after illustrator after illustrator.
You want to you want to illustrate a role, Darl book?
Yeah.
Well, good luck.
You fucking dead bastard.
That's one of his lines.
Yeah, he's not so good with words.
That's why he's an illustrator.
It's literally why he's an illustrator, Mike. Yeah.
Yeah, you think you're an illustrator and educational pop-up book to you?
Yeah.
Well, good luck popping up when I've popped this cap in your ass.
Poof.
That's one of his lines.
Yeah.
It's not bad. That's such quite good. That one.
Yeah.
It was quite good.
I enjoyed the, the ray use of the word poof for gunshots.
Yeah. Yeah. it's good.
That's nice.
It sounded like maybe a silence that was involved or something.
It was nice or through a pillow.
That's his dial.
Yeah.
Through a copy of the giraffe, the paleo and me.
Mr Magnolius boots.
Mr Magnolius shoots you.
Oh, yeah.
That's one of his books.
The tiger who came to kill.
I don't think he'd illustrated that mic.
For God's sake.
No, he didn't.
It's true.
I'm gonna make a confession here.
So I've been doing some book sort of signings
with Adam Kaye for the children's book.
Where we go into a children's book shop.
We sit there, or the children's section of a book shop,
and kids come in and bring their books and we sign them and I draw a little picture.
And I've been saying to the kids, I'll draw an animal for you, any animal you want.
Yeah. But please can it be crab?
Because I see any animal I can dependably draw quickly.
And how many of them choose crab?
Not that many of them choose crab. And I mean having a bit of a problem which is that they
all want tigers.
Yeah.
Oh really?
And tigers are really hard to draw.
For me, I didn't have to draw tigers.
Because you just sort of draw a cat with stripes, but it just looks like a stripy cat.
It's quite hard to...
I don't know, I'm not good at drawing tigers.
And tigers are huge at the moment with kids.
It was ever thus.
I don't know if this counts as a crime.
So what I did was the last time we did a book signing in the kids' bookshop.
I had a little brain wave.
I thought, if they start asking me for tigers again, I need a solution to this because
I'm drawing weird, fat, stripy cats.
Or they just look, why did you draw a garfield in my book?
Why did you draw a garfield in the same 90s? Why did you expect me to find drawing Garfield in the 90s? That's so...
Why do you expect me to find it funny that cat likes lasagna?
That's not funny, anything.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
So sick of 90s on a way.
I spotted a copy of the tiger that came to T.
Got a great picture of tiger on the front.
So what I did was I just, I just,
just nabbed it.
I just slipped it onto a bookshelf opposite where I was
sitting.
This is a terrible ambition.
Yeah, let the tiger plagiarism commence.
So I did it a little, I said whenever I had to do a tiger, I had a quick look and just
remind him of myself because it's really hard to remember the striped formations and stuff
and just the stuff to get it to work.
Have any of the childrens have turned around and realized what was happening?
They're quite perceptive children. They can, they can't they.
But I haven't yet been rumbled.
But I didn't, does that campus plagiarism? Could that be the trial of the century?
I don't think so. I think I'm going to be right.
Could be, couldn't it?
But it's not doing anything for your safety risk.
Assassination wise, I'd say.
No, it's true.
Imagine if all the children in that queue stabbed me in a sort of seesaw way.
It's my tiger plagiarism.
You'd deserve it.
I'd deserve it.
Okay, what do you make of?
Was there a second gunman in the book depository?
Yeah, it was.
And what is a book depository?
A depository.
Only ethic and what is a grassy kn no all these three things only ever get referred to
in relation to the JFK assassination.
And what the fuck is the CIA?
It's another what what are these things?
What is Cuba?
What is Cuba?
Cuba is not real.
Cuba can't be real.
An island full of dancing communists doesn't make any sense. Do you remember there was a period, I guess it was the 90s when the JFK film came out,
the whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world.
The whole world. The whole world. The whole world. The whole I've become quite legendary. What's that? Oh, the bit about it would have to be a magic bullet, because of all the entry and exit
wounds and stuff.
Right.
To have taken.
But it's a classic, it's a classic filmic, kuditeatra, court remo moment, where he pulls
out a nobo flip chart.
I assume it's a nobo.
Shoot it.
Shoot.
Draws a picture of J.F.K. face on it and then shoots it.
No, he sort of proves that the, you know, the bullet would have to have gone into the picture of JFK's face on it and then shoots it.
No, he sort of proves that the, you know, the bullet would have to have gone into the CIA agents here, then up, up JFK's nose,
bounce off the grassy and old off the grassy and old up Marilyn
Monroe's ass.
Out of top of her head, there would have hit a CIA agent on the, on the,
on the, on the, on his his 1950s thick rimmed spectacles, bounced back through Jagger Hoover's shin through Castro's
spare cigar, out the top of Castro's spare cigar, lighting it on the way and into the top lip
of a remarkable man, Mr. Jellvis Aaron Presley.
Back through a vanilla milkshake, bubble tea, a vanilla bubble tea,
flavoured milkshake, through a classic sassaries.
Then then then popped itself onto the theory to the Isle of White. Last surface, so it has to stay the night there.
And it would be in B.
Pots back over on Concord.
Makes it so back into the book of the Pository,
into the interdly Harviel's World's Gun and then back out again, something.
So he's proving that it couldn't just be one gunman, is that what's going on?
Exactly. For it to have been one gunman,
the bullet would have had to have done this like
crazy.
So is the official version of events that they were two gunmen?
No, I didn't think so.
I think the official remains that it's so lonely, so do the obvious.
Well, you think there is even is an official version of it?
Wake up and smell the coffee.
Had JFK started getting into
illustrations, was that what was that?
Well, he was about to, pen.
He never got to try, did he?
Why?
Because Quentin Blake had the role
to get already sewn up.
It was trying to fuse quirky
whimsical British children's fiction
with manga, I think, at the time.
Which would have conquered the world
or would have been so powerful
There was a PSO round about the time of that film
Everyone there was this is like zeitgeist the obsession with the JFK
And general like conspiracy theories
It comes around every so often obviously we're living through it again now But there was a big phase of like obsession with conspiracy theories
even
quantum leap Did a JFK up double
special double episode. Did you ever watch quantum leap? Yeah, I love quantum leap. I don't
remember seeing a JFK one. I love not thinking. It's a double episode, JF Owen, where I think he becomes Lee Harvey? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no? Wasn't Ziggy sort of on the scene, he was on the scene,
present.
Such a good TV series.
But yeah, but it's worth a revisit, I think.
But he does the, yeah, he's, I think he is,
he goes into the body of Lee Harvey Oswald in an episode.
I can't remember how he pans out, but it was very good.
But yeah, I sort of became a bit obsessed with it
around the time of that film.
Did you try and crack the case?
I thought that maybe I could crack the case.
Because what is face, the guy who did it got shot right
before he went to prison, he was well.
He was well allegedly got shot by Jack Ruby.
Jack Ruby, he was a small time gangster.
And people don't believe this because they would say,
or maybe it's the CIA did it and then they,
or maybe some Cubans did it and then they shot him
to cover up the...
It's all gets incredibly complicated.
I think the challenge is it gets so boring
that no one can really face going through all the paperwork
It's really it's really heavy and boring. It's so complicated. What's going on?
There was so much skull dog dogry and levels of stuff going
The only I suppose the only good thing about getting assassinated is for your legacy it means that
You know JFK gets to be like
Sort of like the coolest guy ever. Well, the coolest president ever.
No one can really have an issue with him.
Because he didn't do what other politicians do,
which has eventually start releasing shit albums.
Do you know what I mean?
He never had his frog chorus.
So what was called?
For a...
You get in confusion again between Paul McCartney and Gordon Brown.
Yeah, sorry, sorry, yeah, that's definitely again, sorry.
Okay, time for your emails.
Instead of the email jingle that we usually play, we've got one from a listener.
Oh yeah.
I'm very excited about this.
When we've had stuff from from this is from Lillian
Mm-hmm Lillian is sent in stuff for four. She is the professional violinist. Oh, yeah, great
And she says that she's sent in a waltz for four violas
Wow
She says I hope the narrative arc over the horse-shoeing incident is clear even without lyrics
No horses or robots were harmed in the recording of this jingle. Yours sincerely, Lillian, so here we go. ... Yes. Well. Brilliant, really. Great gear change at the end. That was brilliant.
The first half of that really sounded like to me a sort of sitcom theme from the 90s
for something like
waiting for God or um you know those kind of what was the what was that?
Imagine teal to the man of born that kind of thing to the man of born. Yeah that kind of thing. Yeah.
It was very good. I was picturing you Ben actually that first but I was picturing you just on the
European diplomatic circuit. This elegant you know elegant bo ballrooms dancing with a president's wife,
whatever, like you do when you're called.
Velvet gowns, velvet gowns, chandeliers.
And of course, you, as we've discussed before,
you're descended from Prussian aristocracy, aren't you Ben?
So you have that, that's wonderful, grace and elegance.
When it comes to, you can dance to a Waltz,
can't you with your eyes closed?
Yeah.
And it could be with Helmut Cole's wife.
Can we?
For our goal, yes. Helmut Cole's niece.
Helmut Cole's maiden aunt, Villy Brands granddaughter.
Yeah.
And they will feel, they'll feel like they're just getting into a warm bath.
That's how it feels like being danced around by you because your elegance, your grace,
your speed of movement, but you move someone through the steps, you cover their mistakes.
Yeah.
Don't you?
With a little shimmy of the feet.
All the while feeding them very small minty chocolates. Yeah, don't you with a little shimmy of the feet. All the while feeding them very small minty chocolates. Yeah. Well, smins. Yeah. All while chocolate smins. Oh,
of course, uh, chocolate smins that you have made for you, don't you by a, uh, a chocolate
is here. Yeah. So that's what I was picturing during that. But then the music changed. And then
it changed because a plate of canopasers come in and you're like, fucking asparagus wrapped
in ham again.
Because you've got this canopy on me.
Yeah, because you've just been fed so many canopasers.
And the Russian cultural tashe knows that.
And that's why she sent those in to disrupt.
Well, Lillian, thanks so much for that.
That was incredible.
I loved that.
Thanks, Lillian.
First email is from Lucy. The subject of this email is the first three-been marriage.
Hello Beans, my husband and I might be the first three-been-salad podcast marriage.
On the 28th of April 2022, I met my husband on a dating app. I wasn't looking for anything
serious. I was done with dating.
I just wanted someone to tell me I was pretty and give me a bit of a boost.
So I'm assuming this isn't the hot beans dating app, is it?
That we released last year. Pinto passions.
Pinto passions. On my profile, I had some rather strong opinions about what I thought was funny.
I was scrolling through the same message over and over. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how is your day?
I was bored silly, and I was on the verge
of deleting the app altogether.
Then in my inbox pops up this man named Lou
with this message.
Hey, check out three bean salad podcast.
Bye.
Wow.
Yeah, there's a really bold opening.
I'm not a bulldo.
Gambit on a dating app.
For a love gambit.
It's a, it's a rarity.
What happened to the old?
Is that a bruise on your face?
Because you just fell from heaven and knocked your head
on the tree, the ugly beautiful tree on the way down.
I forgot what was that?
What are you saying?
Is that a bruise on your face?
Or is that your face?
No, no, no.
And there's wings on your back.
Because you're an angel.
Or you just got a really weird cut on your cardigan
because it's poking out of the shoulder blades.
Or are you just a goose?
Oh no, you're a goose again, sorry.
Ah, sorry.
Ah, ah, ah.
Am I a hunter because you're a fox?
Oh dear.
Oh dear, I can smell that musky fox aroma.
Ha, ha, ha.
And someone messed up the cheese toasties
because you're smoking hot.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How about hard. How about this? A picture's worth a thousand words and in your case is a picture of the
word sexy.
Yeah. These are all lines by the way for a little thing you can use.
And they're all available on the three beat on the hot beans. You just choose one, don't
you? On the hot beans. You choose one. You choose one. You swipe up and it gets sent to a random email within your address book, which you've shared with
the app. Or somebody using one of the same online banking apps as you. That's right.
And what's nice about it is that the new feature is gift me on my account system whereby
you, your bank details are shared with someone and they can buy you a gift for yourself
from your own account. Well you get a free carriage clock from Omnibank. That's right, yeah.
So your account is drained. But your account is drained, yeah. But it's a lovely clock.
It's a lovely clock. So she gets the opening line, hey check out 3Binside the podcast.
Okay, pretty sexy. It's sexy. Flirty. But high, high, high risk.
It's sort of saying, what's something that only a few people like?
Three bean salad.
Three bean salad.
It's a bit like saying this into the three bean salad pods, isn't it?
Yeah.
Or go and play bridge.
Go and play bridge.
And then let's have a chat.
Eat some kind of sort of fermented egg. Yeah, yeah.
Eat this thousand-year-old fermented egg, and then let's have a chat. So she writes, I actually wondered if this was some kind of strange marketing tactic.
I googled to see if the podcast was his, but no, it was three British comedians.
Oh, by the way, Lucy's from Perth and Australia.
So days that day, I gave you a podcast.
Listen, it was the episode maps.
And I was sitting at work giggling at the intro about lights coming on in warehouses.
I thought it was funny enough to thank the recommender.
He replied telling me that he was making fried rice.
And since then, we've not stopped talking on Saturday, the 11th of November, 2023.
We were married.
What? What? And my wedding speech included mention of how his podcast recommendation is the reason we're
together today. My word. Congratulations. I hope you're proud.
comedians, podcasters, matchmakers. Lucy from first thing. That's cool.
That is outstanding. Very happy about that. That's arguably one of the greatest, if not the greatest,
letter we've ever had. Yeah, that's probably amazing.
A huge life event. How extraordinary.
And obviously, you know, you're under no pressure to have children,
but if that is part of your plans, there is every chance that it will be an
onion child. Just let me know. Yeah.
Don't be shocked when that birthmark is prominent and oniony on the chance phase and you should be proud and follow the engine child's lead
Yeah, the engine child will know what to do. We're being very presumptuous here, but it is worth mentioning
You know also
If you have children are a child Mike Henry and Ben is a loving name for a boy or a girl
Mike Henry and Ben Mike Henry and Ben My Kenry Ben. My Kenry Ben. My Kenry Ben. My Kenry Ben, come on, it's time
for a barbecue prawns, mate. Oh, no, sorry. You've just, you've just, you've got all the
good will that you've got from Lucy's there. It's completely, the whole of West Australia.
Sorry, sorry. It's clear. declared war on the podcast. Apologies.
My Kenry and Ben, you got a walla walla on your leg.
It's almost as big as a wobbler, wobbler.
Remember, you're trying to get in the barbecue now.
Get in the barbecue now.
He becomes your friend when you're
up against a wobbler, wobbler.
Yo, Ben.
Yeah, sure, he's one of the lovely pump
moist prawns when you're in there.
Sure, there's no reason not to. They pump and moist, you don't know. Yeah, sure, one of the lovely Plump Moist prawns when you're in there sure
there's no reason not to. The Plump and Moist, do you know?
Drugs are new, I am actually a slabless labler, I am a
take the voice of your mother.
That's like prawns, that's one of my sisters.
One of the thing I've got four weeks mate, each one of the stars has a dinner plate, individually, right?
So thank you, Lucy.
That's lovely.
Congratulations to you.
Yeah, brilliant.
Yeah, congratulations.
And thanks for plugging us during the wedding speech.
That's, you know, it's all helped.
It will help.
Gotta get out there.
You've got it.
It does.
It's about slowly building your audience.
And people who are slightly bored and tuning out who are sitting towards the back of a wedding
venue during this speech is actually one of our core audience, demographic.
Next email, Hi Beans, this is from Lewis.
Hello Lewis.
You discussed recently that the French nickname for English people is Liz Ross Beefs.
Liz Ross Beef.
Due to our ravenous need for a roast on a Sunday.
I was recently overjoyed to find out in my Spanish class
that the Spanish also have a tongue-in-cheek monocoveros,
which is Los Kangredjos.
How do you spell it?
Kangredjos.
Kangredjos, yeah, maybe it's that.
Yeah, Los Kangredjos.
What is that?
Which you might know means the crabs.
Really?
No.
This is due to the pink and red tones, the ferrous skin
of us turn the instant we are introduced to any Spanish son. Oh, that's brilliant.
That's a good point. I take it as the highest compliment that Spanish people think we are
the closer to castlization than any other nationality. Yours in being Lewis. Thanks Lewis.
I really like that. That's good. I really like that. I'm proud to be a Kangrejas.
I've got to be interested in everybody. Anyone else knows what we're known.
That's good.
Yeah.
At the country.
Portugal or Slovenia or wherever really.
If anyone else has got any.
I mean, there's probably some countries where it's less light-hearted than the crowd
or the roast beef.
It's possible.
There are some parts of the world.
But Britain has not left a good mark.
That's true. So will emails, I'm pleased we got the email
because this might be one of the few times we can play a jingle during
and listen to email. So here we go. I was recently working my way through your
back catalogue and truth be told, after two or three episodes on the trot,
I needed a bean break, which is fair enough for a play. That's okay. We've been elevated
by Lucy. We've been entertained by Lewis. It's time to level things out. We were getting
a bit too big for our boots, weren't we? Yeah.
Yeah. Here I, I switched over to Radio 3, where they were playing Bach's violin concerto
in A minor.
It's beans without language, isn't it?
Bach.
Bach is beans without words, isn't it?
Unfortunately, due to a bizarre technical fault, for a few minutes, I faced the strange
prospect of my phone continually cross fading between short moments of Henry's lukewarm
banter and excerpts of Bach as if the device had been taken over by an over-zellis disk
jockey.
That's quite a mix. That's quite a place to be.
So, one moment I was listening to a performer producing mournful,
whining, ear piecing, highly strung, shrill, rasping, scratchy, and cat-like shrieking tones.
And the next I was listening to the violinist expertly navigating Bach's score.
There we go, yes, come on.
Very very, come on.
Absolutely lovely stuff.
Play the jingle.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo.
Okay, yes, I see what you're saying, you're saying, what?
Hey, can I, I thought you were trying to say that.
Oh, he's got the other, what?
He's got the other way around. He
means that. Oh, that's what he meant. What? So what he said before, I thought he's got
the other way around with it. Oh, God. It's the old switcheroo. Oh, executed to perfection. That was if that was gymnastics, I'm holding up a nine. Yeah.
And can I say, if I was a Soviet era gym teacher or head of the Olympic Soviet gym squad,
minimal punishments for well, minimal punishment for the world of the barracks.
He's well, let's get the full bowl of steroid gruel.
It's getting that night.
And you know what?
To spoil him.
Tomorrow morning from breakfast, I'm going to allow him to eat one scrambled bean.
Oh, maybe even show him a picture of a banana.
And I might even allow him to hear me saying the word leave eyes.
He's really lucky.
He writes, thank you for listening to my switcheroo.
Well, from Glasgow.
Really nice to have done.
Such a well executed switcheroo.
The landing was perfect.
Yes.
The setup was elegant.
The build, the degree of build was just so.
You can over build and you can under build.
But we actually give us many points for the build.
Don't we?
Yes, for the landing, which people don't realize that.
Because people often worry about getting the landing to work.
But if the build's good enough, we see what you intended with the landing.
And you actually get points for that as well.
So congratulations, you're through to the heats. So we'll send you through to the pregroup heats. You're through to the pregroup heats for regional section.
Regional section for medical testing.
Regional section 4, medical testing.
So he gets sent, doesn't he? We'll send him out the forms.
The forms and the applicator gloves.
The applicator gloves and one tube of the ointment, won't we?
And it's a mixture of, well, put it this way, rather than paying to, like all other athletes,
have to pay to join pre-group heats for any major competition.
The medical testing, the medical self-testing is seen as, is in lieu of the payment.
Yeah.
So you've based your face in the oil because of all the samples we take, because of
all the samples.
Yeah.
But if you get yourself based it up, don't worry about, if it starts to feel crunchy,
starts to feel carapacee, don't worry. That's actually perfectly normal. And that's the perfect time
to get yourself in this six foot jiffy bag that we also send you as part of the bag. Get yourself in
there. And then just care and living your life as normal, but just underground.
But just underground. Because the sun's rays will, they mess up the experiment, don't they?
Good advice. Good luck.
It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com. For Sash, free the salad.
Thanks for having me signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
If you'd like to hear more chat to us talking about this week's topic, or sometimes not
talking about the topic, but certainly more chat.
Yeah.
The way to do that is to go to patreon.com.forge--3 Beans Salad, where you can get access to our monthly bonus episode and free episodes.
And if you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean
Bean lounge where Mike was last night.
I was as well.
And it was loud down there last night, wasn't it?
Because you were taking part in the annual Sean Bean Lounge Boa Warry enactment.
Oh, you were. Thank you Ben. And here's my report.
Last night the Bean Lounge for its annual reenactment of the Boa War of 1899 to 1902, although Oli Risvy calls it the second freedom war of 1899 to 1902.
And Sam Field calls it the Anglo-Boa War of South Africa of 1899 to 1902, and Sam Field calls it the Anglo-Burwar of South
Africa of 1899 to 1802, and Mark Fippen calls it Billy Big Balls gets in some tight trousers,
and Rob Hawke accidentally called it Dad. Ryan Barrett came dressed as Robert Baden
Powell, commander of the British Carousel at the Siege of Mafficking, who of course went
on to found the scout movement with his sister Agnes, and was also believed to know up to,
but not including seven different uses of the Neckachief. Mrs. S.B. performed a commemorative Neckachief multi-function
dance in the Miserca puppet style, and Ben Ross re-enacted Agnes, despite her never having visited
Africa or done any wars firsthand. Agnes Baden Powell was, however, known for keeping bees
within her bedroom, and this was memorialized in a side show re-enactment by Christopher Donovan.
Although Christopher could only find eight bees and one of them was stuffed,
one of them was allergic to bees, and one of them was Ian Boyd's dressed as a wasp.
So to be rid of this disappointing spectacle, Cat sealed the whole scene up in a crate
and floated it into lower orbit with a hot air balloon as part of a reenactment of Swedish
Longers experimenting with balloons as a means of transporting timber in 1956, which happened
to be booked for the same evening. Hannah went to Jewhurst and Linky were caught mid-reonactment playing ping pong, and when
challenged, claimed a ceasefire table tennis match had taken place between Burk Amanda's
and the men of the Somerset Light Inventory in the spring of 1902 at Blumvontaine Leisure
Centre.
They failed to produce any historical evidence of this and had their paddles confiscated.
It was then realised that Thomas A and Matthew Bishop were re-enacting the battle of the
two Gala Heights with toy lightsabers, that Dennis was dressed as a samurai, and that Hannah
was attempting to build a life-size Spitfire from Papier Mache.
Sean Bean sounded the emergency ignorant swissle, and the group was instructed to sit quietly
and cross-legged, while James Hull was given a tenor and told to find an available and
willing straight historian.
Thanks all.
Now to play us out. And listen a version of our theme tune
sent in by Ed from Stratford upon Braiman.
Thank you Ed. He says high beans. Are you still going? I
started listening this year as an ardent Crona listener. I'm
still in 2022.
Nice. Crona listening is the way to do it by the way.
Jerkian, I think so. I think I haven't we've been told
that by some people. People who know what? I think so. I think I haven't we've been told that by some people.
People who know what they're talking about.
I think that's probably true, because yeah,
I think either works, but there's enough that
scruffy crap that keeps re-rearing its
ugly head.
Exactly.
But the way I think of it is this,
imagine you're sitting on a train next to three
really loud annoying bastards.
Yeah, right.
It's annoying, isn't it?
That's the effect we're trying to.
But imagine if you could go back in time,
and you knew enough about their childhoods
that you understood why they were like that.
Exactly.
And you were at least symptoms.
I'd almost be one of them.
Because that's the problem is, you know,
go back in time with them, and just
almost become part of them.
That's how it works, I think.
Bernie, unfortunately for Ed, we are answering yes,
but we are also answering his question.
And in a future that he isn't going to reach for some time.
And that's true.
And by the time he's reached this bit of the future,
he might actually want to reply on email,
but we're applying to it here.
But that can't be helped now.
That's just the way it is.
Ed might reach this reply and have exactly the same question again a year from now.
And he'll never know because he'll never catch up.
I don't feel he will catch up.
No, it can't.
It can't be done.
It can't be done.
Ed writes, during the pandemic, I decided to get back into music.
And as a provincial dad hobbyist, doing your seam-toon seems
a good idea at the time.
So armed with a keyboard and a laptop I set to work.
For some reason, whether it was the Regal Zone,
being a staunch royalist,
or probably the Champions League football,
I thought your theme tune had a passing resemblance
to Zadok the Priest.
Second Zadok mention of the podcast.
Second Zadok.
Well, the chance is, yeah.
But also, how does the theme tune in any way sound
like Zadok the Priest?
The Champions League theme tune sounds like Zadok the Priest. Yeah, but we don't does the theme tune in any way sound like Z-Doc the Priest? The Champions League theme tune sounds like Z-Doc the Priest.
Yeah, but we don't use the Champions League theme tune as our theme.
And maybe that's where we've been going wrong.
Good point.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes, that one.
It's a really good one.
And the bond, jamming, the machine.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
He says, I'd bit off a bit more than I could chew, to be honest.
It took a lot longer than the couple of hours I had
to myself while the kids were out.
Net result, I enforced a temporary estrangement
for my wife and children.
Brackets, well, for a weekend, anyway.
Wow.
If I make the cut on current trajectory,
I should get to hear some time in late 24 or early 25.
OK.
Crumbs.
Well, that's, that was all worth it.
Yeah, well, good luck.
I mean, we'll never meet in the same time space, will we?
Us, it.
No.
Because he'll be turning up to live shows that happened years before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it will just be an empty room.
But I find it reassuring in a way to know that we're being trailed through time by him,
particularly because of it.
Well, Henry, you often leave things behind.
Yeah.
Or keys and wallets and ask the spec.
Good point.
So actually, could come in handy.
Yeah.
Yeah, so if he does find anything, maybe he could pick it up, give it to your former self.
Of course, I'll never be able to give it to me in the present, though, will he?
No, just your past, Henry.
Yeah, just in the past.
Then past, Henry gets a hat that you lost from 2025, but in 2023, actually a bit ahead of
its time, it's quite a suit, you're being a Londoner. Exactly, nicely done. Good point.
Of course, it'll be sad for him when he listens to the podcast. Oh, he discovers that the Queen's
died. No, it'll be sad for him when he listens to to the podcast where we go, where we start the podcast by saying, and of course, like all podcasts today, we are relaying the message.
Britain is being deserted. Britain is going to sink into the sea. Make your way to Dover.
Get to Dover. You got, how far behind is he? You've got 46 minutes. He's about a year behind. He's the eighties, you've got 11 months.
I've got 11 months to get some dope.
But then he'll know by them, right? He'll have some kind of a sea.
What? He'll have some kind of a sea though, aren't he?
Why?
Man, he'll be listening. He'll look around and we're going, oh, plenty out.
I thought my flatmate looked a bit more like a guppy fish than usual.
It's going to be bloody underwater mate.
Anyway, thank you Ed, we'll play that out at the end and thank you for listening.
Until next time, bye.
Cheerio.
Bye. ... ... Thank you.
you