Three Bean Salad - Castles
Episode Date: January 10, 2024Holly of Portsmouth blesses the beans with the ancient chat topic of castles for this week’s episode. They get close harmony groups and genetically engineered toads out of the way in short order and... before you know it are on to an absolutely watertight movie pitch that will probably redefine cinema for a generation.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Well, we're still in 2023, but the listener will be, I think, two weeks into 2024.
Yeah, they'll be in full January, misery, yes.
No, ended site zone at this stage.
They'll be halfway through dry Jan when they're some of them.
It's quite a bleak time.
Do you know what I did last year, which I might do this year?
I left up my Christmas decorations until candlemas.
When is candlemas? Early February.
Well, well.
Your Christmas tree must be an absolute fire hazard.
We're gonna totally, it's just a tinder,
a sort of dry crack-hunter tree.
What is that, sort of, well-shorthodox tradition?
That's what I thought was.
Well, A, I don't have a real Christmas tree,
I have a plastic one, so it could stay up., 6, 5 if I wanted it to. It can be Christmas every day, can't it,
without it? It would be 3, 6, 6 next year, the old sleepy year next year, it's less this
year, isn't it? Excitingly. It'll outlive you, won't it? That's the promise
maybe those ones. I mean, yeah, it would literally take 10,000 years to decompose.
The promise is you will die first with this plastic Christmas tree.
10,000 years to decompose. The promise is you will die first
with this plastic Christmas tree.
Well, I think probably pretty flamboyled at all times.
Certainly noxious.
Well, yeah, in contact with fire.
Kick off some really, really nasty stuff.
And is it one of those ones that has the decorations
that sort of molded into it initially?
So there's, oh, so even that isn't an option.
Yeah.
So you just gotta choose fairy or star from the get get go in the shop straight out of the packet.
But it's the full, let's minimize the magic of Christmas thing, isn't it?
It's Bon Jo's, it's a totally Bon Jo, then.
All the decorations are pre-installed, so there's no sense of, there's no ritual of putting
them on.
Yeah.
There's even sort of fake decoy presents underneath it as well. For when Bondro doesn't bother to buy anyone a Christmas present.
That's right.
That's right.
And they're mounted on, it's a kind of version of a lazy Susan at the bottom of the
tree isn't it?
So as soon as a nephew or a small child reaches one of the presents, you're spins just
out of reach.
Exactly.
And if they're trying tricky, if they try and put a second nephew in place to capture
then it does deploy a small electric shock.
Yeah, I've seen this.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's absolutely 80% nonfatal guaranteed, isn't it?
It's the 80% nonfatal guaranteed.
I'll obviously, because a lot of that stuff is purchased from North Korea.
But it's not, it comes with, it's Chinese sequels there but a lot of it has been gone fine North Korea
Too cruel and there
It's been sexually back onto the onto the international circuit because there is actually there's a button on it
Which has which has to be fair to them being disabled which says feed an uncle to your dogs
Yeah, yeah, and you can press that as much as you like and nothing will happen sadly
No, but it's turned it into a little, hasn't it? Feed your uncle to your dog.
Feed your uncle to it with a little,
because it uses the jingle.
Well, it's the tune of...
Goy to the world, isn't it?
Feed your uncle to your dogs.
To your dogs. That's right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because all of trees have a nice,
Christmasy smell, don't they?
Which obviously, Bondro hates.
Yeah.
Because it creates a kind of warm atmosphere
in a sense of Christmas.
Bondo only likes the smell of pine.
If a traitor is being chased through a pine woodland,
on a mountainside, that's right, yeah.
And eventually gun down.
Later feds dogs.
Well, once they've digested various uncles, is it?
Because the dogs are being fed with uncles, aren't they?
You do get used to the taste of uncles, don't they?
They will reject anything else.
Even a great aunt, there are no thanks.
I'm not good enough.
Oh, no.
Cheers.
It has to be a blood uncle.
And they can trace them, can't they?
They can hunt down an uncle for over 50 or 60 miles.
Once you've given them a cent of an uncle, you've got a cent of an uncle.
And you can give them any of the uncle, a coach of months the uncle might have, because
I'm going to prepare leather driving gloves.
Copy for the daily telegraph.
It even a misjudged pond.
They can get a cent of that.
Yeah, that's enough.
And they're off.
Yeah, terrifying.
So the tree, yeah, so you've got the,
well, how do you describe it?
It's midnight black, isn't it, the colleagues?
It's a chrome stand at the bottom.
Chrome stand.
You went for midnight black.
You could have gone for military green.
Also, no, it was said color is a tree.
Well, that's not how I was marketed.
That was it. It was military gold. it's a military green, aren't they?
Yeah, so you've gone from midnight to black, haven't you?
I have.
Yeah.
Matt finish. There's no reflection on it.
Hard metal chrome stand.
Well, you wanted to, because if a burglar does come, because burglar's need Christmas
presents too, everyone knows that.
If a burglar does come and try and rob your tree, you want them to be able to impale themselves
on that.
You don't want that to be visible. That's right.
As they're creeping through your living room, you want them to trip in and pale, don't
you? They're tripping in pale, then the whole thing spins. Yeah. And through central
figure fours, parts of their bodies then, hewn away. Yeah. Yeah. And you're left just
with a sort of spine essentially attached to the tree. Right. And then it's, oh, what
I thought Quintet is now two hours later, it'stime. It's Bollonails. It's a Bollonails.
It's a Bollonails.
It's slumpy Bollonails.
Bollonails.
Bollonails.
Well, if there is a thing in there, that's because if there's a little thing in there,
floating in it.
You'll say, take away nephew, it's Bollonails.
But the nephew can't hear you because he's still crying, is he?
Well, because his dad was eaten by a dog
Yes, that was my Christmas here and then when your sick of Christmas been because which happens for you
Normally doesn't it about one forty five you've had enough of the day right?
You can press the button where the whole because the whole the whole tree is made out of a kind of intelligent plastic
Isn't it it the whole thing sort of melts
and turns into a kind of a lethal black sort of
steaming sort of magma liquid.
And anyone looking at it, it's sort of dragged in.
Yeah.
ingested into the tree somehow, reforms.
It's just you now.
Yeah.
You're on your own.
You can choose what tell you what I watch.
Yeah.
And it turns out the tell you when I watch
is Indiana Jones and the Dile of Destiny,
which I watched over Christmas.
It's something you want.
That's the new one.
I haven't seen it.
So I was really ready for it to be total horse shit.
Surely it was, wasn't it?
Well, okay.
If you don't want only spoilers listeners, turn away now.
The Dile of Destiny is a time machine. Okay. So when I heard this, only spoilers listeners, turn away now. The Dyne of Destiny is a time machine.
Okay.
So when I heard this I was like, I don't need it.
It's an absolutely classic shark jump move, isn't it?
To introduce time travel, quite for movies and chis.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course, Nancy's involved.
I wasn't fully paying attention to read.
I was kind of in the kind of, what's the word?
Torper.
Yeah. I sort of came round at the end and he was fighting the Romans.
Oh, come off.
That's beyond shark.
That's not even a shark, anyone thought existed.
Does jumping the shark, Nado, isn't it?
That is jumping the shark, Nado.
And it wasn't just him, it was him and Fleabag fighting
the Romans just confounding them with funky bass,
cross-pand dimension lies and like,
become their character from Fleabag that she is well.
Yeah.
I can't believe I just taken it up the arse from a Nazi,
but at the same time, I feel a bit of a bit of a doubt,
but I'm afraid.
Hang on, you said Fleabag.
I thought you said Flea.
I was thinking red hot shitty peppers.
What did you say?
Fleabag.
She might play bass too.
I don't know.
You did say Fleabag, didn't you?
Yes.
What you were imagining in Deanna Jones
with a slap bass coming.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Probably in Deanna on point with the weapons.
Flea just tightly behind him watching his six. Let him go. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap in the end, or on point with the weapons, flea just tightly behind him watching his six,
letting him come up,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
coming in from the left,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
but would he have a rare and ancient historical pharaohs
sock over his willy?
That's all he's wearing.
It would be,
if Joe's has to pull it off and it's a sort of bit
of a golden, yeah,
be a golden pharaohs sock with a sort of snake's head.
Yeah.
That willy sock belongs in a museum.
And he has to gank it off, and it really acts it off.
Obviously, it sets off ferros arrows and stuff
that come out of the other band,
and then we're in it.
Yeah, ancient Egyptian angels and URAI
are spilled forth and consumed the heads of the centurions.
Yeah, exactly.
So I thought you meant flea bag, so that she,
like occasionally
her character would look to the camera and be like, say something right. This Nazi certainly
keen on historical baubles. I wouldn't mind having it up the ass from him there. I feel
wrong saying that. Oh, that sort of thing, is that fair? I think that's a good, is that usable?
But that's what they said when they were talking about the
Screeb the Fleabag script, Ben.
Is this usable?
And they had the guts to do it.
Change the face of television.
So who do you want to be in this situation?
Yeah.
That's interesting.
It's not going to stop me watching it.
I don't know when I'm going to watch it, but I will,
I mean, I can guarantee I know myself too well that I will watch it. I don't know when I'm going to watch it, but I will, I'm going to, I can guarantee, I know myself too well that I will watch it. Yeah, so I'm going to say that actually, I sort of
really enjoyed it actually. The trouble with this, Ben, is that you've put yourself in a sort of
double bluff, they say, headlock with this film. Right. Okay. Because because we've talked about
you being a nace, haven't we? Yeah. Yeah. that's the thing. You like you love slaying a sacred cow, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
So in the case of a film which has generally been slagged off.
Yeah.
As a natural naysay, it's a sort of double negative thing
for you and you tend to be able to swing the other way there.
It's time to yaysay.
Yeah, you're not being a yaysay.
For me, Dyle of Destiny is such a rubbish title.
It's so pathetic.
It feels like Dyle of Destiny is something
that I'll be going through my old stuff in my
parents' house and I find something written and felt there, but it'll be Dile of Destiny
in the A's the wrong way around.
And it's like a stupid idea I had when I was four.
Oh look, it's my Dile of Destiny.
That was stolen by Hollywood studio.
Yeah, this is sounding a bit of a rum claim now.
So plain.
Just plain.
Clanting the seat. I'm playing the seeds for a major piece of
litigation. Yeah, he's representing himself. Is he? Yeah, he's so neat. He's also claiming
that he came up with flea bag as a boy. Have you again, he found it in a box of old stuff
Have you again, he found it in a box of old stuff, when next to his claimable toys, there was a detailed layout.
He also claims to have written the album Blood Sugar Sex Magic by the way, not really
purpose.
I think he thought of the penis socks and idea and should be getting world's biggest
venue on wearing a penis sock.
So fighting Romans.
Yeah. Do they limit it to just that? What is it World
War II and Roman Empire? It's a very British primary school level of history, isn't it? I mean,
it's basically 1066 maybe, tutors, there are other options, right? And also, it's the world of time
travel where you always end up in the middle of a, you know, if you go back in time, you're at,
you're in 1066, you're at the battle of Hastings, you're on the
battlefield.
You're in clear, Patrick's bar.
You're in the, exactly.
You appear at the most, the most important, yeah, reckon.
Well, that's what happened.
It's the moment when I think Rome is invading Syracuse or somewhere like that in the Mediterranean.
Syracuse New York.
It's a big battle anyway that they, they turn up for.
Yeah, of course.
And not to even, well, I, this would guess me away.
In the island, Jones wants to stay back then.
Does he?
You know, he's an archaeologist.
He's spent his whole life studying this period.
So you want to stay in the period itself?
Yes, we meet our comedies.
The great our comedies.
Of course he does.
Well, in his bar, is he the one that jumped out of the bath?
Yeah, yeah.
He jumped in the bath, then jumped out of the bath.
Yeah. Yeah, well, they're thinking about it, isn't, out of the bath? Yeah, yeah. He jumped in the bath, then jumped out of the bath. Yeah.
Yeah, although thinking about it, isn't, isn't he Greek?
He is Greek.
He was Greek.
Is he content-prainists with the Romans?
Maybe I didn't understand what I was watching.
Oh, maybe.
But also, I'd have thought generally speaking,
with a movie like that, the idea is to not worry
about it too much, right?
I think so.
But what I don't want to do is paint this film.
It's a basking silly question.
It'll be content-eyed pen for the Ainius
with my fist, Dr. John.
That's it.
Is that where that's just right?
I don't want to paint this movie
as being done when actually it's me that's being done.
It's the idea that the ultimate goal
of any archaeologist is to literally be
back in the period where your research is.
Is that the kind of assumption that they're,
well, I'm here now so I can stop digging
and finally put down my little trowel and stop digging. But would you be a bit
disappointed? Isn't it? It's a bit too it's not quite far back enough isn't it for Indiana like
one of the most sort of well documented bits of you want to go a bit further back don't you want
to go to a bit of mystery don't you? You sort of hidden Turkish city or something that no one's ever
quite been able to find. Right so I've looked it up up. He goes to the Siege of Syracuse,
which is when the Roman Republic Sieged the Hellenistic City of Syracuse. Yeah, yeah, we know that.
Boring! Yeah, obviously, yeah. Catch up in your own time, Ben. Come on.
I mean, I'd have called Hellenic, but when it comes to mystic, it's minor point.
There's no point going into it now. Yeah. Anyway, our comedies, this is the first story,
was slain by a Roman soldier.
Of course he was killed.
Yeah, Roman, who else do you think slain?
Slame.
Ha, ha.
Keep slain.
You slown.
You slown.
Yeah, so it gets the new bit.
Yeah, slain, but, yeah, go on then.
The bit we don't know.
So then what?
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, he was killed by a Roman soldier.
We know that, Yes, then?
Wap and next.
Well, in the film, then he met Indiana Jones.
Yeah, I know.
I can't remember.
I don't remember that, but.
OK.
Right, OK.
So he gets...
So does he need to enter and try and save his life?
Before he can get out of the bath and calculate
what volume means.
Is that what it is?
No, no.
He works out the humans are more dense than water, does he?
He works out water displacement. He works out the humans of more dense than water, do you see? He works out water displacement.
He works out the volume of a human
will be displaced in a bath.
Okay.
He's basically the original standup comic, right?
Observational comic,
because everyone has noticed that the water goes up,
but just no one has noticed noticed,
do you know what I mean?
He noticed, noticed.
You're right.
And that's what's so great about our comedies.
He put it into words, exactly. Okay., you're right. And that's what's so great about Archimedes. He put it into words exactly.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sounds rubbish.
I can't wait to see it.
Wait.
It's funny.
The weird thing about a lot of films I find
is that you don't know how good they are at the time.
Quite often, this film's where everyone thinks they're brilliant.
Just go, this is brilliant.
And then like it takes about five years, Eric,
and to know what a film's actually like.
You watch it and there's so much
information you're swept up in either the high expectations because everyone's
saying it's great or the low expectations different six table it takes about
five years yeah to then go you know what that was and often it's often they've
won an Oscar often they've won Oscar and then you realize that was that that was a
telephone that everyone has realized subsequently. Birdman. Well, I quite liked Birdman.
But I can see what you mean, yeah.
But you're never going to watch it every game.
I'm going to stand by, of course not, you mad.
Not when I could stare at a wall for two hours.
Whereas, Dihard, you're watching every year.
Dihard is definitely a brilliant film.
I saw Dihard in the cinema last year as part of a festive screening.
Oh, brilliant.
It was terrific.
And then there are films where you watch it and you know, I think it's terrible.
And actually five years later you go, that was actually a good film.
I think that can happen as well.
When you say it like that, it sounds completely credible.
Yes.
I'm struggling to think of an example.
Maybe there is one.
What?
Where it was bad and then you realize it was good.
You're also quite good at saying things.
I know.
Wrap them up and it sounds like, yeah.
Absolutely right.
And then you sort of, and a bit lazy, you think hang on, was that?
It's because of my RP voice.
Was that total bother?
Because of my sweet seductive RP voice.
You'd be such a good home secretary.
Such a good home secretary.
So slippery.
For so many ways.
For so many ways.
For so many ways.
For so many ways. But don't you see it's so simple.
You invade France from the South.
It's never been done in that's why it'll probably work.
That's right from the South.
It's very credible anyway.
It was South theory.
Yeah, it is.
It's the voice of credibility.
But it's increasingly the voice of getting
absolutely eviscerated and drive you in all.
LAUGHTER
Think about it, guys.
The beaches of the North of England have filled with donkeys.
If we could take all those donkeys of the South Coast of France,
we would flood their donkey economy,
completely crippling the South of France,
certainly from a donkey perspective.
We'd control the donkeys.
And what does it say about social media?
It starts with the Marseille's donkeys.
It starts with the Marseille's donkeys.
Take away our country's donkeys. You take it so.
We've all lost our keys, and it's a bit of a nightmare.
But imagine if an entire country lost its donkeys.
It just sounds quite credible, doesn't it? It does.
Let's sit on that bean machine. Okay, this week's topic, Ascent in, by Holly from Portsmouth. Holly from the old hometown of Portsmouth.
Indeed.
My world stomping around.
Nice.
Back from your Navy days?
Yep.
Shore leave.
With a fleet.
Yeah.
Is castles.
A very Portsmouth choice, let's say.
Here's a castle.
The Tower of London.
And here's a fact. choice, I'd say. Here's Castle, the Tower of London.
And here's a fact, I've never been.
I mean, it's really fucking great.
Is it?
I've never been to town a few years ago.
I would say it's maybe London's best thing to visit.
I've never been to town.
It's really good.
I might have gone just pre-COVID, I think.
It's when I was last there.
Last as he'd been there several times.
I've been there in my life life probably three times, I think.
Wow, I've never been.
So what, what happens?
Well, it depends on what you're into, that's a thing, do you know what I mean?
You can be into something for everyone.
Well, are you into, are you into the Crown Jewels?
All stand for the King!
We're entering the Regals, Earth, Regal's Earth.
Off with their heads, on with the show.
Listen up to the naves and the shopkeepers.
Bring me more advice, the Regal's Earth. Are you into tales of executioners of an
imprisonment and torture? Are you into the Ravens? Are you into weird men called
beef eaters who genuinely live there? You've literally taught my four favorite
things. Exactly. You've sent me four favorite things. There's almost certainly a
Granary style cafeteria, have you if you're pe four favorite things. Yeah, not a whole lot of those things. There's almost certainly a Granary style cafeteria,
if you're a peckish.
So there is something for everyone.
Are you into loads of Spanish teenagers
where you're in backpacks on the front?
That's my fifth favorite thing.
I'm not even joking.
There is something absolutely everyone.
Yeah.
That's incredible.
That for me, I like the execution elements.
There's a lot of, this is the room where Ann Bolin spent her final night before being
ahead of Newark and stuff. I like that.
Prince is in the tower, Chad.
Yeah.
It must be some good.
And big into the Ravens myself.
That's my...
So the Ravens, just for anyone who doesn't know, is an acapelogroop, isn't it?
So, yeah.
They work out of the town.
There were college buddies, going to Maldon College in Oxford.
And they're slightly cheeky on this.
There's a lot of, don't look at me ground jewels, but a bit of it.
Exactly.
They didn't manage to quite crack into the wedding circuit, but they had, through a family connection,
they were able to get the Tower of London gig.
Bum, bum, bum, bum.
They do a lovely thing to the bum.
They've got their old, yeah.
To tune in, they're getting execution, no going back, no going back, no going back.
And they do a thing where they, because it's a Kabuki element, isn't it?
Because we're all dressed in black and they head to pop a book down.
They do a thing where it looks like one of their heads has come off and is spinning down
the other end.
Yeah.
And they make it look like they've pretended to do it.
And then by the comes of the thing they actually have and it falls out the window.
Yeah, those guys are amazing. So the Ravens, I say, are there just lots of
Ravens there, genuinely? Is that what you're saying? Well, there's a set number,
maybe seven or something, they're on there officially on the payroll as guards.
And is now some sort of myth that if they, if the Ravens ever leave the tower,
England will burn. Indeed,
England will be lost. England will burn and tip into the sea. But they're amazing. They're
the size of a small dog. They're good. Wow. And if that was a dog you were saying was that
size, that wouldn't be impressive. There was no impressive talk about this dog.
It was a big dog. If you could fly, well, if it was a dog that's supposed
to be big, but wasn't big.
If it was a big dog, yeah, that was the size of a small dog
without being impressive.
And there was beaked and winged.
Or if it was a tiny dog that was the size of a small dog,
it would be quite impressive.
But for a raven to be the size of a small dog,
it's incredible.
It's just the same chain.
There's a word small in there, isn't it?
Even dare I say small to medium.
Like a Raven to the size of a size of a big dog.
Push it up the end here, but if you like.
Ideally, you'd find an animal where you don't have to say small,
so it's like the, could you say the Raven's the size of a fully grown pig?
That's much bigger than a dog.
The Raven's the size of an impossibly genetically engineered toad.
Oh wow, yeah, that does picture.
Can I survive beyond a day?
Kill me.
I hope this gridbit will be my last.
Why did you do this?
What have you proved?
A vanity project, nothing more.
A Vanity Project for the soul.
I'm grotesque.
I'm basically just a big breathing walt.
Who can speak English?
Why?
I can speak English.
I got a minute.
I'm a wonder of science.
I'm amazing.
Don't kill me now.
Too late.
So hang on a second.
These Ravens, are they caged?
No sir, they're loose, a boot to a hoose.
So why don't they just go away?
But how do you know those are the right Ravens?
Because they respect the crowd.
They respect the crowd, or someone's done something
to their wings.
I suspect.
They're supposed to.
Or it's like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger film,
The Running Man, where they've got a chip in their heads
or if they try and fly beyond the perimeter they explode.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Well, that's one of the things about visiting the towers.
You will see two or three ravens explode
in the perimeter during the day.
And if you're lucky, a beef eater.
Yeah, exactly.
Those guys.
They're also traps, aren't they?
They know the deal, but they just go spare.
They just have to try.
I can't remember. So I've been, I've been, I think, twice. It's really good.
I can't remember what the crown jewels are like. I don't remember that bit at all,
but they are there, right? They are there. I think it depends whether or not you're
well-med by jewelers and gems and precious stones. I mean, I, I've, I've, I'm not.
Look upon my brightness, child.
Lose yourself in my brightness. I can't go in there, darling. I can't go in. It's,
the jewels are too seductive to me. You know what happened when I see an orb.
Don't let me hear the orb.
I imagine that the tarve London is full of. You know, those ancient British laws,
where you can actually still get executed for if you do piracy in the high seas or lead a sheep
across Voxel Bridge.
Or if you don't bin your yoghurt properly in the cafeteria, I think they do that.
Exactly.
If you don't let the beef eaters lick your yoghurt pot clean before you put it in the
recycling container, you can actually be executed as part of the same visit.
So yeah, well, the one thing I've heard about the crown jewels is that they're replicas.
Ah!
No. I think they're replicas, mate.
You think they're decoys?
So it's a specific conspiracy theory.
Where are the real ones?
I think ironically, the real ones are the place you'd least expect.
They're in Mexico City because we secretly were invaded
by Mexico 60 years ago.
It's a branch of JD sports in Mexico City.
Yeah. And it's highly in plain sight.
There's a floor called the Crown Jewels floor.
So is that true Henry, that they're not the real ones?
I think we're the real ones.
And I think the real ones are actually hidden,
the place you'd least expect in fact,
after Mexico City, which is within the fake ones themselves. Oh, hang on.
I don't know, no one would have done that.
So they'll have the real crown jewels if they steal them,
but they won't know that they're not actually looking at the real ones
because the real ones will be buried within them under their feet.
There ain't no zez.
Oh, God, we shouldn't have let the Ravens come up with this idea.
Actually, the Ravens were getting too powerful.
They're not even that good accaperler to me.
I think...
So Mike, you've been there three times.
I think so, probably.
Is the jewel in the crown, the jewel in the crown?
For me.
What was the best bet?
The Ravens.
Ravens, for me, the Ravens, but that's not going to be the same for someone else.
They're looking up the window at some birds. No, because they're very tame, so you get up quite close to them and they're, they're
okay.
Presively, the first time you see them, they're just, they take you by surprise by how,
how big they are.
Are they surprisingly tall in human shapes and half with slight energy and body language
and voice patterns of an art of work actor?
Yes, and do you know that they do sometimes talk about how they are going to be doing a fringe show of Macbeth in space later that month? The finsbury,
there are still tickets, they do say that's what they're just, I just, I'm just like vibes of that.
Have you ever been to an exhibition or a place where there's a person who's going,
Howdy partner, welcome, I'm Stevie Jack Stevens. You make me feel tired all over just by even talking about it.
I'm going to be showing you around the okay carol.
There's a place near me that does that called Lankayak Fowl,
which is like a chewed manor house.
And when you go, someone goes, and how did you get here?
And you go, I mean, came in the car and they go, what is a car?
And you're like, Cork at your fucking prick. We're all just trying to get through this day.
Yeah.
I'm going to pretend to read the blurbs and I'm going to buy a bloody coffee in the cafe
and go home, right?
You're terrifying the children.
I mean, adults just want you to go away.
What is this car?
Some kind of iron horse?
A wheeled horse?
It's all that business. Some kind of iron horse, a wheeled horse, is all that business.
A carriage of no horse drunk.
He means him closed half an hour ago and now we're in the car park.
Wait, just leave it at the stoppage.
Oh my god.
Leave me alone.
We're in a TGO Friday's, we thought we left you behind.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if it's the agony of the direct experience of that.
That makes me feel more tired or imagining that guy when he gets back to his flat, that might.
What is this?
Some sort of smaller apartment I live in with that.
When he finally takes off his tudor hat, that long, long deep sigh.
What is this?
You call it tagliatelli?
I've shut up, Ryan, please.
Just leave me.
I've funded you four years through the conservatory for this.
I will not eat this Italian papiced muck.
I see you have brought spices from the far side of the industry.
It's black pepper, black pepper,
some sort of mechanical water spewing beast.
It's the toilet.
Just have you lightly dumped so we could go to bed. I can just have eight hours of relief from this absolute hell that I live in with you.
Although, I'd be quite a good film, wouldn't it?
If you were actually a king from the old days, you'd be transported to the future.
Everyone just thought you were an actor working at an actor.
That's a great film.
A great film.
It's the only place to hide, right? It's the only place to hide. be transported to the future, everyone just thought you're an actor, working at a high school. That's a great film.
It's the only place to hide, right?
It's the only place to hide.
You'd gravitate towards the castle because that'd be where you were from.
Yeah, of course.
This is a great film.
So you go, your King Steve, from the Olden times?
It's essentially elf.
Is it elf?
It's sort of elf of it.
But no, but in a good way, in a way that people like elf.
Yeah.
So you head to the castle, and obviously there's the classic scene of like, yes, I think let me through here, please, thank you. And we're like, no, you have to the car's soul and there's obviously there's the classic scene of like yes I think let me through here, please thank you
And we're like no you have to paint to get in you're like, you know me cuz he'll assume that everything's fine
What is this jape is it is it's April the first it must be so Michael must his day because everybody is dressed in funny
Garb's
And then he'd probably make a friend who was a was one of those actors that would be quite helpful,
wouldn't it? Yeah, that's nice. There might be a love in dress lays down the road.
There'd also be a scene quite early on where he comes across a very broad portrayal of two
classic sort of comedy American tourists. Yes. So the wife would have a huge map,
the husband would have a huge camera and they'll be like, oh, excellent. I see that the
gesture has arrived early. Perform your little dance, please. And he saves the day because evil developers are trying to turn the castle into private luxury flats.
Yes.
These are siege skills.
Yeah.
And it goes a bit home alone on that stage.
Yeah.
And they swap the developers using agents, boil them to death and that kind of stuff.
Yeah, that's good.
One of the few people on earth that he would feel comfortable with would be the Pope.
You know what, it's like a bloody breath of fresh air hanging out with you, it really
is.
That's probably quite handy for the post-credits scene, isn't it?
It was all, I was just hanging out with the Pope.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, post-credits having pizzas together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is it, some sort of flat circular chicken?
The first time he'd a pizza would be good.
A pounded grouse. So how's the love stories sort of panning out? Despite the fact that our main character
is essentially an obscene character, his values are totally skew with and not have to date.
He doesn't know what the hell's going on.
He's quite flat chill and he's like a gross medieval.
He will kill a Catholic at the drop of a hat.
Any animal he sees, he thinks he's a spaniard.
He's a dog.
He's a spaniard in the room.
But despite all that, Zoe Deschnell playing this kind of really cool quirky kind of cool character
will just absolutely never part reason for another than and she'll be like, oh, I'm a bit different too
Are these like biting the head off the chicken?
There'll be a great montage sequence right there where for some reason, you know Henry the eighth or whoever is has to
Like have a modern makeover for some reason. It's, Henry VIII, however, is has to like
have a modern makeover for some reason. It's like, oh, you can't be walking around in those
clothes. So then there's like a montage about him going to Westfield, getting his hair cut.
That's right. So he's at the beauty salon, getting his nails done.
Exactly. And the waxing is beard. And there's got cuts of him with like different pairs
of trousers. Like, yes, tight jeans, flair jeans, like disco trousers,
just weird comedic trousers, they'll be a bit where he goes to Burger King
and they put one of those cardboard,
Burger King crowns on his head.
Yeah, nice.
Yes.
Who is this rival King?
The Burger King.
Let's have a quick look.
I'll have to clear war on him.
This is a great move.
That'll be good.
This is good stuff, isn't it?
Come on, Amazon, Christmas 2024.
I didn't think we even need to discuss the fact that a dressy
plum is playing in, but it is. And you know what? You know what's
going to happen? Jessie Pleman is going to play him. And then he's
going to go for his makeover. And they're going to shave him and do
his hair and we'll see people like rubbing moisturiser on him and
stuff and everything. When he comes out of your own people will
sit and he'll be playing by Timothy Shalamey. Well,
she changed casting.
So the makeover is underneath the four-year-old plemmens.
There's a soft, sweet Shalamey.
So we find, we so we're playing Susan at, yeah, yeah,
I find it nice.
Great.
Shalamey.
Shalamey.
Sleek, glossy hair.
Supple, yet firm, muscular jaw.
Take me to the Louvre.
Slender biceps.
Pure thoroughbred.
Shalame, equine tailed.
Shins of Aladaster.
Top end monogrammed luggage.
And the next strength of a hyena.
He's a luxury prince.
If Amazon are listening, we are willing to do the thing
where he goes to every London
landmark as part of the film.
That's fine.
He needs to go up the shard, he needs to go up the window and I.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, you want to see him in a black cab, all that kind of stuff.
He needs to make an emergency call from a red telephone box at some point that's inside
a double-decker bus.
Here we go.
This is better.
Also, we can do all the tions because he's going to want to visit the Apple store, isn't it?
Oh, great. I must visit this Apple store. I love a hearty cox or a
Tasty. I'm taking a bite out of a mini iPod. Yeah. Crunch.
Yeah, oh, I tell you what, it's crunchier than a granny Smith. I quite like it.
Supposing it is a bit late in the year.
than a granny Smith one, I quite like it. I suppose it is a bit late in the year.
Yeah, and does he then beat the developers using a trebuchet?
It'd be nice to see the chief developer being trebuchets deep into the Thames estuary, wouldn't it?
Yes, that would be good.
Or it could all go a bit dark at the end where he could do proper medieval hang drawing and torturing of all the...
It gets out of hand.
It'd be nice to see Chris Smith movie where the band is, the come-up and comes, but it gets way, way
way out of the top.
Fully hung-drawn and cluck, what is
yes, bollocks are snipped off and
boiled in front of them.
Yes.
Spleen is fed to his favourite
wall found.
Yeah.
In front of his very eyes.
Yes.
His ears are separated from the
leg.
Also the nation.
In terms of the classifications
film, we've got to hope that
whoever's rating it falls asleep before that moment.
So we still got the PG.
We need that PG.
You've got to get the PG dollars here.
To make it work financially, we need the PG,
but to make it work artistically,
we have to have the disemboweling of four or five people
in the last scene.
And it has to be up close and visceral.
I imagine this film has been made, right?
This must have been
made. Well, that's that's why you know you've got to hit right if it's basically already
been pre-tested. I think we can make it work in a sort of in a kind of
elf way. We don't have to invent, we have to innovate. I reckon what happened is the
first day, he'd go back into his castle, he'd get in, but you know what happened is he'd
go to the ticket desk. Let me through please and you need to take it and
you go, and then they go, oh, he
must be one of the new cast for the acting crew, whatever.
And then he just be waved through.
He assumes all the tourists are just servants, right?
So he goes straight to his bed chamber, takes a massive dump in front of some some some
seniors, they're just on a on a day trip.
Yeah. Some of his amnias, they were just there on a on a day trip. Yeah, throws his his pelt over some
Yeah, some Dutch tourists and expects them to bath him immediately and maybe some of them get involved because I think it's interactive
Well, I think that's gonna be the other element of this film, which is
He's gonna bring new life
To this institution, you know, I mean it was getting a tired. And suddenly there's a smash hit because of this amazing performance.
Exactly.
Because actually they're enjoying his,
his regal, his good regal values.
I don't know what we're really saying.
His good medieval regal values.
A good feudal attitude to surviving.
Is what we actually need.
Henry, I think all right.
If we were to write this, the key thing is,
what does he learn from the modern day? And what do we, the modern day, learn from him?
And we learn that the feudal system did work in some ways, actually. Yeah, think about
it. They did get a lot done. No, and again, I think what we'll learn is in the final scene
where he basically punches, punches, Kingshaws to death. And becomes the actual, the new day facto King of England.
Yeah. But this time with full constitutional powers,
restructuring a full medieval powers, full medieval powers.
I think what it will be about is he learns that there isn't a feudal system anymore,
and you have to make it on your own these days.
But because he has royal blood, he therefore is the best person in the country.
So he goes to the top anyway.
Right, you see what I mean?
He's starched by God.
Yeah.
He's starched by God.
So it's about royal blood.
That's what this is.
Which is why, and I think we've just got ourselves
a title, my friends.
Royal blood.
Royal blood.
You smash it.
Royal blood.
They're Chris, a family Christmas movie.
They're the you smash it
Monk pro monochist really violent family fun smash of the summer slash winter
sanguine Regina
introducing Mel Gibson as the chief beef eater. Who will give in the end the post-show credits,
you will give a two hour lecture on divine selection.
Right?
But they, one aspect of the film we didn't work out.
Why the hell is this thing going?
King of Medieval England,
travelled into the future.
Come on, say.
Comet.
Comet.
They go, don't move on.
Right. So now we need to talk about lighting.
How are we going to like this baby?
Yeah.
Clemens is just asked for a sixth Winnebago.
That's a sixth Winnebago.
It looks to how his fifth Winnebago.
He wants Winnebago. He wants Russian, he wants Russian Winnebago? Yeah. He wants to rush in Winnebago.
He wants to rush in Winnebago.
Pleman's word is as the word of the Lord.
It's the first rule of this film.
We're going to make this work.
Well, if any Hollywood studios are listening,
I think we're open to chats or open to cash as well.
Yeah.
I think we probably need to work on the name of the film. I think Royal Blood isn't necessarily what's gonna get
so with the line.
I'm going for Tower of Fundon.
Oh, that's quite good.
I see this as being our first creative discremen actually.
I think I'm quite keen on Royal Blood.
So it may be that we have to separate and create
two rival films.
You know, like when there was two,
then there was two Robin Hood films,
the same, yeah, might have to be like. Oh yeah. Oh, when they just two those White House down
things at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a Gedden and Deep Impact. Come out
and the same thing. Exactly. It's just a phenomenon. Well, I'll see you at the box office,
Henry. Yeah. See you at the box office. And lucky, Henry, I've already secured plemines.
No. Oh, I just want you to be a. I mean, you've got Crow, Henry.
I've got... I've got Bloody Crow.
I'll only be in the film if we call them Crow's not Ravens.
I'm not going to support them. It's a rival to my surname.
It's not going to happen, mate. The fucking Crow's all right. Time to hear your emails and instead of playing the email jingle that I made, we're going
to play a version sent in by one of you and this is from Peter from Germany.
Oh lovely, thank you Peter.
And here's sent in a version of the email jingle reinterpreted as plain chant. Ooh, here we go.
When you send a name in the air, you must hear the hours To the woe's last thus that give me forego
When you said the remeber,
This represent go-gust This record is at your best, like our old shoe in the walls,
and made for to make the... And the Oscar for film composer goes to for Royal Blood.
It's Peter from Germany.
That was outstanding.
That was absolutely amazing.
I was picturing, you know, we've got ourselves a composer for this movie, haven't we?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
You know, I was picturing, you know, there's computer game ads they do for things like
Halo.
Yeah.
It's always music like that, very, very eerie like, oh, and you're seeing utter carnage.
Yeah.
Green.
Yeah.
And a futuristic guy's blasting aliens.
That is the last sequence of the film for me, is that music? It's like, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho- but which fires crossbows at people. Yes. And during it, Zoe Deschanel is
dancing the boils on his face,
because she's dancing.
She's dancing.
She's dancing boils on him throughout the whole movie.
Because he's not so many medieval boils on him.
That was fantastic.
That was amazing.
Thank you, Peter.
That was a exact bit.
Vendee Melfan Fran.
Hello Fran.
No, this is Nord Ferd.
She has heard our theme tune, the three-bit sound theme tune, within a piece of classical
music.
Oh god.
No, I can't make out if this is the same one that's... I don't think it is.
Someone else sent in a piece of classical music and said that it sounded like our theme
tune.
I think this is a whole different one.
So my plagiarism now knows no bounds.
Fran has found the themed hidden in Schubert's impromptu opus 90 number four in A flat major.
Doesn't sound that impromptu.
Okay, Schubert's been dead for 200 years so he's not going to sue.
I'm just going to throw something together in A flat major.
I don't know what's amazing.
I bet even I just threw it together and someone else write it down.
It's all fine. Bang on it Schubert. What's the. I'd better leave them. I'll just throw it together and someone else write it down. It's all fine.
Bang on it, Shoebert.
Well, what's the other one?
Shoebert.
And then months ago, a year ago, we had someone else
saying they'd found it in different pieces,
but I can't remember what it was.
We've actually had a few over the years.
I think if it's been found in at least three places,
that suggests that you are tapping
into something primordial.
Do you have any, there's some basic,
some unifying musical motif.
Do you think it's possible that if we went back in time machine,
you'd see in the Andertalman at the top of a hill screaming, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Or that either or both. Anyway, Fran has recorded herself playing the shoe-butt music on her own piano.
So hang on, I think it's coming over a bit.
Here we go. Oh, is it a box?
It is. Well, well, well, this is amazing. So Schubut has done a version of our theme tune.
That's brilliant.
I think it's possible. First of all, amazing playing fan, very good. Love that.
Hats off to you. Absolutely.
Secondly, is this evidence that Shubut has gone forward in time or is from the future?
Is from the current day he went back in time?
I think it's another film.
This time it's bent the sequel. This time Ben's been transported back in time. I think it's another film. But this time it's bent the sequel.
This time Ben's been transported back in time
and wakes up in Schubert's body.
I hope you've got something prepared
for the big concert for that, Schubert.
Just something in prom too will be fine.
Something in prom too would be ideal.
And Ben's like, oh my god, what am I gonna do?
I've only got one tune in me already.
Ben has even been commissioned
by his ancient Prussian ancestors as well.
So all the characters are played by Ben Partridge in this film, because they all...
All of them are played by Ben Partridge.
Because all his ancestors, apart from Schubert, who of course is played by Jesse Plemons.
Thank you.
Jesse Plemons.
Thank you.
And then he has a shower and he's played by Shalame.
We do the same.
We do the same on double casting. So, you wakes up in bed
all hung over with his cop crawl alarm clock, next to him, smacked it on the head. Full
plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope.
Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full plebiscope. Full Yeah, it goes and has a shower, gets all made up, has a wig put on, and the little beauty
spot that they all had in those days, covered in powder and stuff.
And then it obviously shall let me come out.
This is an email from Sage.
And it's Sage.
Dear Beans, a few weeks ago you had an email from a listener who was introduced to the podcast
by a romantic interest who they later went on to marry.
Yes.
Like them, the maps episode was my first episode,
and I liked it so much that I went back
and listened from the beginning right away.
A little less than a week later,
I met someone who'd become my long-term partner.
However, rather than getting married,
we recently broke up.
Oh.
But he is still paying for my three-been salad
paid for on subscription.
So who's the real winner here?
Oh, Golly. We who's the real winner here?
Oh, Golly.
We shouldn't announce this, Ben,
because they'll cancel it.
You'll let them know.
Golly Sage, sorry to hear it.
We've had an email from Ruth.
Hello, Ruth.
Dear Beams, I like to weave while listening to podcasts.
Pfff.
Brilliant.
Very fitting in with this sort of time-traveling vibe.
It's quite an ancient skill, isn't it, weaving?
She could certainly be an extra in the movie.
Yeah, absolutely.
How glad I was to settle down this afternoon to weave along to your brand new episode of
Three Being Salad, and how amused I was during the episode to hear Mike's sternly command,
do your weaving.
I think that might be me.
But I never think it was you.
Yes.
Who are you talking to?
I was talking to an imaginary child from the medieval German era.
She actually was weaving.
Yes, I am.
I checkered to myself.
I am doing my weaving.
Then your email section began and things took a dark turn.
You revealed your correspondent Ruth that she's in fact a beanwisp, a conjured figment
of the bean Gestalt, my blood ran cold.
For my name is Ruth.
I am or until this afternoon, believe myself to be the daughter of a woman
in a man called Jeffrey.
I understand now that I too must be a bean whisp.
They're not both called Jeffrey out there.
That's what she's saying.
Yeah, a woman and a man called Jeffrey.
Yeah, it's fun.
I have questions.
Are all bean wisps called Ruth?
Are all Ruth's bean wisps?
As my slush hour creators, we look to you for answers.
Yours, Whispley, Ruth.
I don't think it's the place of the CREATI to look for answers.
Exactly.
Yeah.
There is an answer, but we're not going to say what it is.
Exactly, just to you weaving.
If you are, for example, weaving, and then we are talking about weaving, that's because you are a bean wisp. There is an answer, but we're not going to say what it is. Exactly. You just do weaving.
If you are, for example, weaving, and then we are talking about weaving, that's because
you are a beanwisp.
There's no freighter anywhere in that.
That's a very clear cut case.
For example, if you listen to this week's episode, and you are a medieval king who's
time travel to the modern era, that's because you are a beanwisp.
Yeah, 100%.
By the way, would it be quite good for our film, for it to have a framing device,
which is that Ruth is weaving the film, the story, is it? I would like it to tap a tree.
Yeah, so she's weaving the story exactly. So we start with her sitting next to an armchair.
Not in the armchair? No.
But hang on, if we're doing that, do we need to do the thing like we're doing? Is it good
fellas? No, there's other films where they start the opening scene is about three quarters of the way through
the story.
So she's weaving an explosion with the main character who looks like they're being weaved into a
car bomb.
And then you go back, then you go back.
She's weaving the king who's on a Boris bike with a bazooka.
Right, exactly.
Yeah.
And then so she goes back to the beginning, then she'll, I'll weave you a tail.
And then she weaves it through to the present, we catch up.
Yeah.
And then we get the last act of the film, where she had to, she have to weave all that really
gross last scene.
But you know, I think what can happen at the end, the police are trying to arrest the
King.
And like, unfortunately, we've got, we, we want to arrest him, but the trouble
is we haven't got any blim in evidence. It'll never hold up in court. And then she's
like, but I've woven everything. And it's like the weaving, we can use the weaving, because
she's woven the whole story. The weaving's are the proof. But you can't take a king to
court, can you? Because it's the crown versus. That's the double twist. The weavings are the proof. But you can't take a king to Courtney because it's the crown versus...
That's the double twist.
The crown versus the crown.
He's always ready. He's always ready with a counter-argument.
Philip E. Mills.
Philip.
Dear Beans, I'm visiting my parents in Bremen for Christmas.
And mother heard me listening to you. She's an avid cruise enjoyer.
And having looked up at the podcast asked me if I'd heard the recent
episode cruises. I said I had the suggested that she try it out. Oh. On the drive to
the airport today, I put the episode on for her in the car. It's a really gross episode.
It's not one for mothers. She then heard three men who had never been on a cruise talk
about piss for about half an hour. Sorry. Sorry about that. There was a good bit about how the passengers never
eat in port because they paid for food on board. Then it went back to a bit about how
the captain might take you on a blue flume at a point and it's so incursive with piss
and shit that you can't even tell it's blue. Oh, sorry. Well, see, what is he want from us?
What's he doing?
Stick it in front of his mother.
Come on, Philip.
Don't put it on in front of you.
Come on, mate.
This is basic.
I did try to explain your podcast isn't usually that gross.
However, I believe the damage has been done.
It is sometimes.
And it's always the one that a mother,
and off quite from my mother, will listen to.
Oh, someone else's mother.
I think we're never a mother listens to it.
It's always one of the gross ones.
That's just the way the world works.
I'm afraid.
And is it time that we rebad ourselves the third brigade?
Because it won't take that much work on the logo, frankly.
It's not.
It's not.
The third brothers.
Oh, poor Philip's mother.
Yeah, poor Philip's mother.
Apologies. Apologies.
Anna emails, Beans.
I'm writing this having just returned from the British overseas territory of South Georgia
in the southern ocean.
Wow.
Craky.
Where I was based for 14 months.
We had a pretty appalling internet for the duration, but I would try any means possible
to get new episodes of the Beans, finding a quiet spot to enjoy the episodes with my resident
penguin friend.
Nice.
Wow.
Is that like Antarctic, is it?
Yeah, yeah.
Really fun.
The Samu-Gyland, isn't it?
Blimey.
She must have loved the episode on the Antarctic then.
Or hated it.
Or he really hated it.
You know, like that's that rule with the Christmas presents where if someone's into boats,
don't get them a book about boats or a small replica of a boat.
Because they'll be like, I'm a boat person, you prick, I know about these boats, this
is just basic boat bullshit.
You never do that.
So you don't send an Antarctic expert or resident towards the Antarctic podcast episode.
A stuffed penguin. Exactly. The incident of stuffed penguins with
Christmas because they've already got like 10 stuffed penguins.
I was especially delighted for the potential future tour of the beans to
remote Atlantic islands. The government of South Georgia, brackets and the
South Sandwich Islands have a permanent presence on the island and I know they would be absolutely thrilled to host a show, perhaps in an abandoned
wailing station. Nice. Why abandoned? Yeah, good point. Why are we going to be abandoned?
We're working one. Life podcast show featuring live hauling in of sperm whale.
Here are the blobber cranes.
sperm whale. Here are the blobber cranes. They certainly put up with me rabbling on about the podcast admirably well, not even questioning my slightly
bizarre responses of America, anytime the USA was mentioned, or singing in the
Carrigans mustard theme song every time I was cleaning up the dinner time
condiments. That's amazing. This is very cool. Just at the end of my season, while
overlapping with the incoming team,
I had the absolute pleasure of discovering
a fellow beans listener.
What?
Brackets, potentially a fairly rare occurrence
in an island community of 18 people.
It's not bad, is it?
We've got quite a few kind of polar scientists happening, then.
We've got like both poles covered now.
At the moment, yeah.
This is very exciting. So where are the podcasts? You know,
you're Shagmarie's annoyed, you're Peter Cratchers, you know, they try and build an audience in,
you know, big population centers, London, Manchester, places with arenas. Why do you think they're the way?
Yeah, that's right. Tiny remote island communities. We're aiming mostly for territories that Arnardine has a continuing claim upon.
Yes, that's what we're doing. Our market share is exactly the same.
Well yeah, because two out of 18 people is what? That's massive. And generally places where there
isn't a strong night-day distinction that would be recognised by most humans.
Yeah, the less survivable, the better. So what we want now is equator denizens.
As we can start filling in.
Yeah.
We've done the top of the bottom.
Let's go from the middle now.
Anyone at Quattora?
Anyone who's really close to the equator
can they get in touch, please?
In fact, can we see a photo of you listening on the equator?
We'll settle for someone who's cast away on the Galapagos.
One way.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That's fine.
That'd be another area that we could try and dominate,
get a large market share in,
wouldn't it?
The classic.
So Anna writes, shout out to Bodil in the museum.
I think Bodil is the other three-been-sad listener.
Okay.
I think on 18 people on the silent, and there's a museum.
Fly me.
So is that my kind of place?
Anyway, high Bodil.
So thanks very much, Ben, for brightening my when it was interminably dark and snowy. And please do feel free to publicise a South Georgia special
Pompadou discount. If any of you are listening, I should have a manager visit the Larson House
Cafe as King Edward Point. Brilliant. So you'll get a discount, but we'll cost you about £75,000
a charter of plane there. Yeah.
Please see attached a picture of the base and a picture of my penguin friend.
Oh, liking the penguin friend very much.
Very cute penguin friend.
This is amazing.
Oh wow.
Oh wow, that's amazing.
I'd love to go there.
We've got to go to one of these places somehow. Am I going to be the one that...
Is anyone going to say that, is it going to have to be me, that says that that looks a bit like it's just a slightly fat sparrow?
Or...
Me?
Can't believe you're slacking off a penguin.
That's a post-Christmas sparrows.
That's a sparrows enjoy the festive period.
Clearly, whoever it is, they're doing pretty well out there.
They've survived.
Yeah, they've survived.
It's a very, very, very cute fluffy bird.
But that we're led to believers of penguin.
If you want to believe it's a penguin,
have a go for it.
Have a enjoy.
That is not a penguin, my friend.
LAUGHTER We'll share the penguin image on our social media and they'll listen and get to say it
if they think that's a penguin.
Was it a very young penguin?
That's people who it is, isn't it?
It does look like a baby penguin, doesn't it?
Yeah.
It doesn't look that alive.
I'm going to say it does look a bit like a dead frozen sparrow.
It looks a bit like a dead frog.
It does look a bit like a dead frog's sparrow.
In fact, I'm now slightly thinking for attracting my desire to visit this place.
I've got to feel if we all visited, it would all be like,
come meet all our penguins, and it would all be a bit sinister,
because it'll be those at Dead Sparrows.
And the scientists are all the dead Sparrows, as well.
Everyone's dead Sparrows.
Apart from Anna.
Here's an Alive Sparrow.
Well, thank you, Anna. It's always been here from the extremes. Thanks, Anna. Who's in the live sparrow? Well, thank you, Anna.
It's always been here from the extremes.
Thanks, Anna.
Those are amazing photos.
And please, if any of you want to email in, you don't have to be one of the extreme corners
of the earth.
You could be anywhere you could be in.
Anywhere you are at is essentially a pole of the earth.
If it was spinning from that axis.
I mean, it's the same thing.
It's just a point on the earth.
It just happens to spin from the North and South poles.
Thereby the grace of God, you know, who would say that any cosmic event could probably...
Could probably read just, you know, our axis spinning, whatever. Do you mean everywhere as a pole?
The earth is a sphere, isn't it? So...
It's not a perfect sphere though.
No, it's not perfect sphere.
So you're not with this government.
Yes, so if you want to hear me out, the email address is 3BeansSaturdayPod at gminon.com. It's time to pay the ferryman. Patreon.com ForSash 3D Salad
Thanks everyone who signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Patreon.com 4-3BingSalent is the place to go.
You can get our bonus episode.
We record much more than we put out in these episodes
and that ends up in a bonus episode every month.
You can also get out free episodes.
And if you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier,
you get a shout out from Mike in the Sean Bean Land
where Mike was last night.
Well, I wouldn't have missed it when I,
because it's the older...
Was it Pike Rugby?
No, it was Pike.
It was Pike Rugby.
Thank you, Penn. And it was my report. It was Pike Rugby last night at the Sean Bean Lounge. Dan Cook won the toss, folded himself
into a jackknife position, was placed within the belly of a recently gutted 53-pound
freshwater muskle lunge, which was skewered through with a 9-foot medieval thrusting spear
before being placed atop England's highest mountain, at which point the game was able
to commence.
Chester van Purem suggested next time someone ought to bring a whistle and was immediately
synbind.
CYMK huffed a fish bladder over the ledge for an early three points, but there was no
time to celebrate as Jackalin Massen scored a double try from the nine-yard line with a dorsal anus. That would have been
converted by Robler Rock, where he not fenestrated by Macedonian Falonks commanded by
Servas Tilkin. Sam Lander took a poke up the left wing from a pike that had been left
unattended in the charge for horse position by Rob Briscoe, who was supposed to go and
get halftime oranges, but came back with a bag of pickled water bowls. In the second
half, Sophie Elliott cababed a 12-man mall,
only to have the cordle-udder intercepted by Reese Prithok,
who went on to full foul of Nicole Hanson's illegal halberd.
Kit Malone took the penalty and rejected the usual kick-at-goal
instead opting to sashimi Jason Crane.
Before we knew it, we were already into injury time.
Names were drawn out of a Pissine's Tinkseck,
and Steven Seward was selected to be injured.
Grace Moore volunteered to take up the frozen Maming Pike, dedicated her first swing to Michael,
and pounded Steven deep into the ground at the 20-yard line up to but not beyond the eyebrows,
allowing him the honour of being a kicking tee in next year's game. Thanks all.
OK, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by One
of You. This one's great. I mean, they're all great, but this one's great. This is from Jonathan in New Hampshire.
Liffrey or Die!
Yes.
He says, as an active composer and music professor, I've been thinking for some time about what
I might do for a version of the theme song. I finally figured it out today and I've attached
the result, a spoken word version of the theme that firmly establishes
it as the ultimate summation of almost four centuries of European musical structural
thought.
Well, that's what it is, isn't it?
We've learned through this shoe, but it sounds great.
Thank you.
We'll play that in a second.
Until then, goodbye.
Thank you very much.
Jero.
Thank you, goodbye.
Major tonic triad are peggiated.
Major subdominant triad are peggiated. Major dominant triad arpeggiated major subdominant triad arpeggiated major dominant triad arpeggiated
ascent to third of tonic triad imperfect authentic cadence major tonic triad arpeggiated major
subdominant triad arpeggiated major dominant triad arpeggiated descent to root of tonic
triad perfect authenticggiated, descent to root of tonic triad, perfect authentic cadence,
parallel symmetrical period.
Can I say, that absolutely kills the dance floor that.
That's what we call, Bondjemen music.
It's absolutely straight from the barely beating ice-cold heart of Bondjemen.
I prefer it. That was terrific.
Thank you. That was amazing. Thank you.
called Heart of Bungieman.
I prefer it.
That was terrific.
Thank you.
That was amazing.
Thank you.