Three Bean Salad - Circus
Episode Date: January 24, 2024For the last episode of the season place your head in the jaws of podcasting and let its lukewarm slobber cascade into your ears because the theme, with thanks to Stephen of Ireland, is the circus. Th...e beans will be away for the month of Frerbrurary investigating whether or not fleas actually enjoy circus skills training or performance work but shall return full of the proverbial in March.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Tickets to see Mike's tour show Zusa can be found here: https://littlewander.co.uk/show/mike-wozniak-zusa-2/Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hello, before we start, just a little message.
Last week, we talked about a Manchester live show, which is happening in April.
We said that we'd share ticket details in this episode, but all the tickets were bought by
Patreons as part of the Patreon presale.
So there are no tickets left to buy, although for complicated reasons to do with fire regulations
and the current level of renovation of the building and also the personal mores,, preferences and packers, the lows of Mayor of Manchester Andy Burnham.
We think that 50 more tickets will be going on sale nearer the time,
and we'll let you know about that when that comes around.
OK, on with the show.
What to start, I guess what I'm going to say is normally when we come into an episode of three bean salad and we've got this intro bit and we don't plan anything to do with
the podcast really we just turn up and I will often have in the back of my mind I think
well if I need to talk about something I've got like a little anecdote or a thought or
something that's happened to me during the week that I can probably get two minutes out of.
Get some mileage.
I've got nothing.
Seriously.
Has literally nothing happened.
I can't even remember what happened to me yesterday.
I just, it's like I was born this morning and I can't.
Yeah.
I only exist in the present at this moment for some reason.
And does that feel as good as they say it feels?
No.
Because they have been telling us for years that we should all be aiming for that.
Yeah.
Well, that's the state that Rory Stewart attains, doesn't he, when he's talking about
the stick gamble.
Now we've referred to the podcast, haven't we, a few times, The Rest is Politics.
Yeah.
Featuring Rory Stewart.
Do you know why I'm actually a bit tired today?
Because I stayed up last night listening to an episode of it when I should have gone to bed.
Of the Restless Politics.
Yeah.
Well, you're trying to untangle the situation in Yemen.
Once and for all.
In your head.
Oh, God, that is quite a sad point to have reached.
That's an awful point to have reached, isn't it?
But Rory Stewart, he's talked about, he goes off and does like weeks of meditation.
Does he?
Yeah, he does retreats where you're doing like eight hours a day. Hang on. They interviewed somebody
recently who does this. So I wonder if you've mixed this up. No, no, I haven't mixed this up,
Ben. Okay. He does serious retreats. He's talked about this. Because they interviewed that guy
who wrote sapiens, whose name is Yuval Harari or something like that. Loads of people have talked
to loads of other people, Ben. It doesn't mean that I think the person that they were talking to is them necessarily.
It's the most spurious to pen, so I think you've come up with so far.
Henry?
Do you know what I mean?
I can distinguish between two people talking and which of them owns the biography that...
No, I'm not saying that you're...
Whose life experience is?
I'm not calling you a thicco, Henry.
Okay, thanks.
I'm just saying that I recently heard Tim talk to someone who talked about how they go on these silent treats.
I know that's true.
Yeah.
I know you come to mention it.
It is possible.
It's not impossible, is it?
It is possible to slightly melt meld two people when they're talking in your head, isn't it?
Especially you can't see them.
Do they have some voices?
Really?
No.
One's Israeli and one's Scottish.
Okay.
Quite different vibe.
Were you giving them your full concentration?
I probably wasn't.
I do think people that can do those things, it's pretty, I find that pretty mind blowing.
What that's like.
I think the closest, I'm thinking about now,
the closest I ever get to anything like that in my life
is sometimes if I go cycling, for example,
for quite a long time, you get so fundamentally bored
and there's something rhythmical about the way
your legs are going in the sounds.
Do you do kind of switch off a bit and you become a bit like a kind of toad, toad brain, where you're just existing and you're not really thinking about very much. And then time flies quite fast.
But I don't like it at all because I finished my kind of go all like those three hours went
past quite quickly. Like, wow, it's sort of wasted that time really.
I know what you mean. When you reach like a sort of flow state, isn't it?
When you're doing something that you quite enjoy and you lose yourself in.
It's almost like, yeah, at the end of it, you're like,
I wasn't aware of existence then.
So that's sort of like wasted time in a way.
I was basically dead.
Yeah, that's how I feel.
I was basically dead, but functional.
I was a zombie.
Yeah.
But then when it's over, you're then back to this brain, which is going,
oh God, worrying about
things and sort of, and then sort of yearning for the next flow
state where you can not be worrying anymore.
Mike, how do you access your flow state? I'm not sure I have a
flow state. But I'm pretty sure that it's it's googling different
Wi-Fi bundle options and stuff, isn't it?
Yeah, there's that, of course. I don't know. I mean, it does make a difference that I'm a spectacularly heavy sleeper, so there's
like, I mean, as close to death as you can get on today while being technically alive,
barely breathing that deeply.
That's incredible.
Sleeping.
So is that, is that, maybe that's the ultimate reset.
You reach kind of like Juliet from Romeo and Juliet levels of unconsciousness, don't
you? Everyone thinks you're dead and people start killing themselves.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could easily be mistaken for dead.
Yeah, yeah.
The number of times that I've been lawyers have come and you've gone through.
Exactly.
I've been officially certified.
Certifications happen.
Yeah.
I've got a whole wall of deseratificates that I've decorated the house with.
Yeah.
And the priest doesn't even come anymore.
He just goes off. But but but but every time
it's like you're close as they think he's got to be dead this
time. We've tried all the tests. We've we put six crabs on his
trousers. Yeah, I often wake up with pens in my feet. crabs
down my pyjama bottoms. Yeah, shake out every morning. I mean,
they actually started your left leg from the knee down was cremated, wasn't it?
That was a horrible morning.
Horrible, horrible morning. But each time you tweak the playlist, don't you?
For the cremation.
Not many people get the chance to plan their own funerals often, as I do.
Yeah, I've been, I've been buried at sea as well a couple of times.
That's quite fun. I don't mind that so much.
That's why I've got it stipulated in my will to be buried in my togs. Yeah, just in case it's a sea bearer.
And with a rucksack full of snacks, you're always buried with a rucksack full of snacks, aren't you, in case?
Yeah, throughout this most people, when they sleep, they, you know, they go into sleep mode, the equivalent of sleep mode,
or as I am shut off, I'm shut down. You're deep in sort of aeroplane aren't you? Beyond that, it's full shut down. Yeah. To me, that's it.
That's a good skill to have though, to be able to go that deep. Because I think that is a bit
like it actually, because in some of the meditations, they talk about it, about going deep,
and you're going deep. They're not your deep into your sort of subconscious. Do you have
dreams? Do you remember dreams and stuff, Mike? Not very? No, if they if you have one, it'll be a dream. Where is
this you going Mike? This is you Mike.
Tomorrow's Tuesday. You've got to be at the vet as 11am.
Tomorrow's Tuesday.
Best check the pressure on the on the ties at some point
during the afternoon because you are going to Portsmouth on the
weekend. And be a good idea because precious cargo Mike come
along now.
It's time for Provincial Dad Chat.
Who's hid my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday, I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin.
Gage escapes on kids, otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session.
She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me.
Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist?
Of course I've kept the warranty information, darling.
Also I have noticed that my wife has started drying clothes on our radiators that will
lead to damp eventually if we keep doing that.
Yeah.
Also, do check out the new hyperoptic bundle being offered by three at the moment.
Just give it a second glance.
I know you looked at it last week.
Just give it a second glance.
Something to look into. So just as a recap,
Mike, this is you, Mike. You've basically managed to turn dreams into useful sort of
admin time for yourself. You used to have a management of dreams, but those are a waste
of time. So it's you, Mike, talking to you, Mike. While we're here, here's just a recap
of some of your account numbers and passwords.
just a recap of some of your account numbers and passwords.
Seeing as it's just us.
Seeing as it's just us. So it's Mike 123. That's for your
that's for everything.
And that's for everything. It's the ultimate double bluff.
Yeah, that's what happens, isn't it?
Yeah, it's pretty much it. Yeah, that's what happens, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty much it. Yeah. That's uncanny.
So you know, you're talking about cycling and how when you do cycling, you sort of feel like a toad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Toad
mind. Toad mind. Which is not something that the cool new
running shops kind of lean into to get you in. Think like a toad, be a toad.
It's very hard to market, isn't it?
Very hard to market anything toad based like that.
Because my skin becomes all slightly down, poor over there.
Yeah.
From the exertion.
Yeah.
And you make a loud grippeting noise, don't you?
Starts emanating from your throat, bloats to over the size of your head.
That's right.
Yeah.
And you're reviled by society here.
Misunderstood, Mike. And it's not just the warts. It's head. That's right. Yeah. And you're reviled by society here. Misunderstood, Mike.
And it's not just the warts.
It's not.
It's everything.
I was thinking of it.
So you go cycling.
Yeah.
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Well, I imagine you look forward to cycling.
Yeah.
Well, here's what I'm here's what I'm picturing.
Right.
Which is, you know, oh, I'm going for a cycle.
Oh, I'll get me, um, get my helmet on.
Yeah. Oh, I'll blurt my tires, remove any dead, dead birds.
From my mouth.
Otherwise, how are new dead birds going to get in there?
Well, catch any new one.
Like a basking shark, just mouth open, down a country lane,
in the hope that a little rain or a starling might end up in there.
That's right. And moving as slowly and ponderously as one of the great basking sharks is slowly
scouring the ocean floor. It's amazing how the bike stays upright.
Most people would fall over on a bike going at that speed.
Most people would. So I imagine, yeah, so you look forward to it. Maybe in your week,
or I'll try a new route, that kind of thing.
Yeah, or I'll look when there might be a sunny day to do it and kind of think I'll do it then.
Exactly. Okay, so here's my theory. That that's
that's what it's about. It's that I think you're right. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. It's
the planning, the anticipation and buildup. This is also true massively of holidays. I've come to
realize. Oh, come to papa. Book a last minute holiday, you've kind of ruined the whole it's
not kind of point. Exactly. So I think it's true of holidays.
I think it's true of, I watch football games, I go and watch football games in a football stadium,
between football teams.
And they'll be kicking a football?
They'll be kicking a football round.
There'll be loads of football though, but there'll be one that'll be kicking around at any one point.
Okay.
And obviously, I build up to that in the week.
I look forward to it.
I read about it.
And then the thing happens.
And because you were saying, Ben, that you had this sort of worry or concern about the fact that cycling matters to you.
And yet when it happens, you feel like a toad or a dead toad.
Implied.
I think a kind of toad who's coming, who's either going into or coming out of hibernation.
Okay, yeah.
So grumpy toad.
Grumpy old toad.
If he's waking up.
Yeah.
Yeah, certainly.
Famished.
Yeah, yeah.
Or overblotted and exhausted.
Or, yeah, or one or the other, yeah.
If toads hibernate.
Sorry just to see off that bollock.
If.
We know they probably do, but there's a small chance.
Basically, all of the world's creatures pretty much hibernate, don't they?
And that's another big bollock coming away. We're talking about the
rhombomegahibonating toad, aren't we? Yeah, that's what we're talking about.
Yeah, it's a very specific species. But we're talking about any of the, certainly any of the hairy toads.
Hairy arctic toads.
Yeah. And if you say there aren't any, maybe that's because they're camouflaged. So screw you. You can always win an argument, by the way, with a naturalist or a zoologist using the old camouflage
clause. Maybe it's just too well camouflaged. That's why you've never seen one.
I mean, because this is the last episode of the series anyone wanting to bottle you know how's a
full month of research time to put together a really strong case.
Yeah, or if hibernation time or hibernation time.
Yeah, sleep on it.
So I think the point is that looking forward to this thing which you enjoy you think you enjoy
it then it happens and you enjoy it so much or you're so in it that it just the time flies by
and it's over.
It's like, what the hell was that?
I've been looking forward to this and it was just like being a dead toad.
Yeah.
Because the time's just gone.
So, like, what are we wanting here?
We're wanting time to go.
That's a weird thing to want.
Yeah, exactly.
It's a paradox.
So that's one thing which can happen.
The other thing which can happen, which I find with holidays, like you say, Christmas.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And also football games. Again, watch football games. That's just three examples of things which you build up to, you say, Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. And also football games, again, watch football games.
So there's just three examples of things
which you build up to, you look forward to.
And then when they're happening,
I definitely have this on Christmas.
It's not so much that I get my miniflows state.
Henry just giving up.
He's giving out a present with one hand and he's-
And watching Shrek 3 at the same time.
You're watching Shrek 3.
And he's foot to baste the pudding.
Oh, it's extraordinary. How's he doing that?
I think he's perfectly done honey crisp parsnips flying out of his arse.
He really is in his Christmas clothes state.
But it's more that it's that thing of I've been looking forward to this thing.
And now it's happening. And now, I
always have this on holiday, which is like, I sort of go,
what what what now I'm on the word, it's happening. What? I'm on
the beach. Now what? God, do you mean? Yeah, a slight sense of
sort of a panic related to time passing, I think is what it is.
I don't know.
No, I tell you, I understand what you mean. On holiday, I think, I don't feel like a toad.
No.
I think there's something more, it's more physical with the cycling where you sort of...
Yeah, and it's just an irony that is when you will look the most like a toad, ironically.
Just as it happens, isn't it?
Because you will be lolling about in a sort of pond, certainly, won't you?
lolling about in a pun. So it's one of the great ironies that you will almost be a
like for like, behavioral match for a toad at that point,
right?
Releasing my spawn into the pool.
The toad's spawn?
I don't know so little about toads.
Licking your eyes clean.
Licking your left eye clean for half an hour.
Licking your right eye clean for half an hour. Looking your right eye. But that's the great thing about package
holiday. You don't have to worry about anything apart from
licking your eyes clean.
Exactly. Occasionally complaining maybe that the pond
isn't hot enough. The point here is somehow linked to to what
we were talking about before. I'm not quite sure how this idea
of
what it was me saying that basically, if it sort of goes well, time passes without you noticing it,
and then you've just burned loads of time. And time is what we're here to do, right?
Exactly.
So really, you want things to drag.
You want things to drag?
Get Vita Stratford.
And we can link to the Globe website. You can buy tickets for all of the Globe's upcoming seasons.
Just press the link. Save your life. You can buy tickets for all of the globes, upcoming seasons. Just press the link.
Save your life. Slow it down.
There's a character in Catch 22 who does that.
Who tries to cultivate boredom to make his life last longer.
So this is my theory, Ben, is that it's all about the anticipation and the buildup. That's
where you can actually feel the pleasure. Buying
the knee pads, no matter what whatever is. No, whatever the hobby or pursuit is that
you have. Yeah, getting the fake beards, the meat hand buying buying the products, you
know, whatever it is that you do, that stuff, that's what it's about. And then the thing
happens and either you're enjoying it so much, you're in that stuff, that's what it's about. And then the thing happens and either
you're enjoying it so much you're in a flow state in which case it's like being a dead toad, or
you're just in this sense of kind of feeling that the thing is going away from you. That's what I feel on
Christmas Day is like, this is Christmas Day, it's happening, it's going, what's what's going on?
The other thing I get this with big time is eating a croissant. So this is where I think this I can boil down what we're talking about here to the experience of eating a
croissant genuinely, which is I look forward to eating a croissant and then eating the croissant. And it's so sort of brief that it's
almost like what's where's my it's gone. And also I actually even while eating, I'm aware that it's going now this thing I've been
looking forward to. And it's so hard to almost actually enjoy it.
I had this recently where I looked forward for ages to eating a donut that I was going to buy.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
All morning, I walked to the bakery.
Big shout out to Bruton's Bakery Best Donors on God's Green Earth.
Brutons.
Brutons.
Yeah.
Looking forward to all morning, go to the bakery, buy it.
Oh my God, look at it.
It's so nice.
Did you manage to wait until you got home at least? No, no, no. So bakery, buy it. Oh my God, look at it, it's so nice. Did you manage to wait until you got home at least?
No, no, no.
So then I ate it.
You're not even out of a shop, halfway through the shop door.
Bruton still had one hand on one half of it.
I mean, Bruton was still holding on to the other half of it.
Ben, desperately pinching onto it with his pincers.
Give it back, Bruton.
Give it to me.
Give it back.
A two, Bruton.
Bruton has a special spatula now, a metal spatula, which he shoves onto Ben's head.
So to stop...
Yeah, like a pizza, like to delivering a pizza into a pizza oven.
It's one of those, isn't it?
Just slides in and slides out again.
Exactly, yeah.
It slides in because otherwise Ben will keep on eating up his arm.
By the way, out of interest, has Bruton's ever looked into doing
croutons just as a...
I know they have invested in one of those tennis ball firing machines,
haven't they, to see if they can adapt it for donuts, but it's destroying
the donuts at the moment.
It just gets through them too fast.
It's just an important, you just, ah, can't even have one.
Yeah.
Anyway, so I'm walking out of the bakery and walking home and I'm also listening to a podcast.
I can't remember which one it was. The podcast was fascinating.
It was the rest is politics. The rest is donuts. The rest is donuts.
I was listening to the podcast. It was fascinating. I was also eating the donut.
And I didn't notice that I'd eaten the donut.
Oh, that's bad. Then you've wasted it.
I know that. That's horrible. That's a horrible feeling.
I hate this absentmindedly and absentminded treat.
That is one of the words. Yeah, that's a shame.
And then obviously, you know, you can't eat donuts all day.
So, you know, you're thinking, well, I just wasted that opportunity.
Yeah, I don't get to do this all the time.
But it's very hard to not because what you do is you
send your iPhone with a croissant is I whiz through it the first half of that cross on.
I'm like you on a bike, Ben.
I'm in a flow state.
I'm not even aware of what's happening.
So before I know, I have to hold myself up.
I'm like, bloody hell, you're halfway through this cross on Henry.
I've not enjoyed it.
And then from then on, once you've reached the halfway point of the cross on the
rest of it, you can't fully enjoy because it has poignancy because every bite is
taking you away from
the state of having a cross on.
And once you're in the second half of that cross on, and I get nostalgia, I'm like,
why didn't I enjoy that first half when I was young and free and I had, I was crunching
my way through its left arm and I still had the whole cross on ahead of me.
Why didn't I enjoy it?
You know what I mean?
I genuinely get that feeling.
Do you ever have that? Like, I wish I'd made the most of those
early bites. Yeah, I buy a second cross on. Well, that's,
that's it. How do you solve it? Okay, so if you get a second
cross on Mike, at what point do you get the second cross on?
That's a good question. Because would you buy after you
finished it? Because if you do that, I think what I've been
down that road, Mike.
Yeah.
I'm not an idiot.
Yeah.
I've been down that road.
Doesn't feel the same.
Well, the trouble is, right?
If you finish the croissant, and you go, I think I'm doubling up from the get go.
Well, that's okay. That's interesting.
So, but let me just quickly take you through.
If you buy the second croissant after you finish the first one, which I've done,
I've basically done this.
I've eaten a cross-saw, I've gone, I didn't really enjoy that.
Well, the hell I wasn't even concentrating.
Yeah.
I go up and get another one.
Obviously, it's a bit embarrassing.
I'm gonna have to move cafe.
Get the second one.
But then what happens is,
it's a very weird feeling.
It's a bit like time travel because you've gone back to,
you're basically back exactly where you started with another cross-saw.
And there's guilt, there's other emotions start getting involved.
There's going to be ameliorated by, yeah, well, there's a couple of things. There needs
to be a group setting. You need to be turning up somewhere with a bag of pastries. It's
an expensive solution. Okay.
But you turn up somewhere with a bag of pastries, and there's at least n plus one, a meat hand.
Meat hand. In case there isn't sweet toast and just fancy just chowing down on a ham thumb, whatever it might be.
And then you have your ecstasy crosshole and then there's a spare in the bag.
And you tell yourself you're abstinious because you haven't eaten four crossholes.
You could because there's loads in the bag.
So you're suggesting that it's an expensive solution.
You need that I buy a bag of pastries and how many do I eat?
You eat two.
You eat two. But you need a group of people there. You need maybe I buy a bag of pastries and how many do I eat? You eat two. Do I eat two?
But you need a group of people there. You need maybe six or seven people there. You're talking,
you're buying.
I have to have other people around.
You know, you're buying that number of pastries plus one.
This is becoming really difficult to organise.
You need to be the guy that turns up with the pastries.
Okay, but where am I turning up?
Where am I going?
You need to organise a meeting.
I've got to create an entire second career around this, just a...
Maybe a local political campaign of some sort.
Okay, I need to stand for the Lib Dems.
I'm standing for this.
And this is how it works.
This is how the Lib Dems find people.
I'm standing for the Lib Dems.
This is how you get into the Lib Libs.
I'm doing it.
I'm getting a campaign team there.
Maybe a couple of people from the press.
You've got to give pastry to Ed David.
And when I casually say, oh, by the way, I know we're talking about parking, we're talking about care workers,
and we're talking about green incentives for this meeting. But just, you know, just on the side,
I've actually, I've brought a little bag of crisscross, and they didn't know that's what
the meeting's actually about. It's about the crisscross. And they're hesitant, they're polite,
they're lib dems, they're not going to go, they're not going to be voracious, they're not going to
go for it. They probably will have had breakfast because he wouldn't
have warned them about the crossroads in the first place.
Exactly.
So that means you don't need to worry about actually, will I get my second cross on? Is
it? Unless, as Davey does, if he goes for three, then you're in trouble.
Well, no, but that's why three of those crossroads are dummies. They're plastic.
I don't need to waste money spending on crossroads every day.
Decoy crossroads.
Yeah. I mean, if you do that, then you do end up with a reputation within the lebdems as the guy
who turns up with a back saying he's got a back for the crosshairs. But actually,
there's just two crosshairs and three plastic crosshairs.
Mike, what you're talking about is leadership potential.
So it will become known, which is, by the way, if Henry brings Crossroads, just a little
bit of advice, get in there quick, get in on the bag quick, because it's only the first
three that are edible.
But he will be furious.
If you do manage to get an actual Crossroads, he will be furious.
And he'll have a sort of existential crisis.
And we know that way the House of Commons works.
It could be quite, there's quite a lot of bullying.
It's quite a nasty place, isn't it? I mean, cross-off, for example, would stick. I'll plastic cross-offs
there.
That's going to follow you around.
Yeah.
Do you mean?
Yeah.
I'm going to assume you're going to get elected.
Which I mean, I think it's...
I think it's nailed on at this point.
I think it's nailed on.
So, when they might, that's a good... So, I thought about... So, getting two cross-offs
is interesting, bad cross-offs. I've thought about one option is halfway through you buy a second one, because it's more about being able to enjoy the second half of the cross or knowing that you're not ending your cross on experience.
And then you could you could even throw away that second cross on.
Exactly.
But it has to be there so that you don't have this kind of existential panic during the second half of the first cross.
Because you're not reaching the finish line.
Yeah.
Another way of doing it, I've thought about this is expensive though.
You know how we talked about you with cycling?
You look forward to it, then it happens.
A lot of the pleasure is in the looking forward to.
Is there a way to get looking forward to into the actual experience? So what I'm talking about is halfway through the
cross on the other half, I think it starts retracting away
from me. Maybe I've hired someone to start pulling it away.
A little bit of fishing line or something.
Yeah.
So I'm both experiencing it and having it put into the future rather than the
present at the same time.
I think one option, by the way, I think as I understand it would be if I was to
eat a crustal while going beyond the event horizon of a black hole.
Yeah.
That's it.
It'd be perfect.
Perfect stretch point. Yeah. Yeah. Infinite stretch hole. Yeah, that's it. It'd be perfect, perfect stretch point. Yeah, yeah. Infinite stretch
point. Yeah, because at that point, the cross I think would be infinitely kind of being
anticipated.
Yeah. Or if you can't manage that, you could just put a little sticker of a cross on the
edge of your glasses. So it just looks like there's a cross on really nearby.
You know, often there's a really cheap solution like that and it's just a cross on sticker.
So this is nailed. We've done it. Thanks. Bye. It's the cross on sticker.
I think it is, isn't it? Mike could have saved the US loads of money if he was around in the 60s for the Apollo programme.
If he'd just gone, you don't need to go to the moon.
Put a little sticker on the moon surface on them. Yeah.
Put them on your specs. Looks like you're walking on the moon.
For the final time this series, let's turn on the bean machine. She.
This week's topic as sent in by Steven from Ireland.
Thanks, even Steven Steven is the circus. Creepy. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but I mean, I think people overstate how creepy clowns are. So when clowns come up in conversations,
someone reliably will go,
oh, they're horribly creepy aren't they?
But they're not really.
They're terrifying clowns.
Okay, here's what I think the rule for clowns is.
And it's the same for everyone though,
which is they're creepy.
Imagine a clown, picture it.
Now picture all its teeth are red
and there's blood dribbling down its chin.
Right.
Then it's scary, but that goes for Tim Henman.
It goes for Kirste Armour.
It's true.
They've got a bad rap there, haven't they?
Of late.
To the point where if you go to a circus now and it's a cool, proper circus,
it's not a circus, it's just the acrobats have got together and go,
should we get rid of those weird clown guys and those animal, the people
complaining about the animals? Should we get rid of all that stuff and just do it?
You're right. It's mainly acrobatic.
But call it a circus.
We'll still call it a circus.
Are you telling me that I can't, as a voting, at least citizen of this country, I can't
go and watch a freak show?
As a rate payer.
You can't go and see a bearded elephant. Well, Henry, you'll soon have a front seat for
the freak show when you become a Lib Dem MP.
Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire.
Jonathan Swift
Holding institutions to account
Mark Twain
Speaking truth to power
Chaucer
A core part of any healthy democracy.
Chumbo-wumber.
Can our jokes actually change government policy?
Of course they can.
Quiet! Please respect this important mode of humour.
Yeah Mike, you're right.
The modern circus is a totally different thing to the circus of 50 years ago, right?
Because 50 years ago you got clowns.
I mean, as a child, I definitely went to circuses that were a ring,
split and swordless, a ring master, all that kind of stuff, a very mentally
ill elephant. Yeah.
Yeah, mentally ill elephant, a D Fangs tiger.
Oh, God.
Liver failure.
A D Moustached Frenchman.
Horrible to see. Horrible. And he's. Liver failure. A demistached Frenchman. Horrible to see.
Horrible.
And he's actually pulled out himself.
He's pulled it out himself.
With his own beak.
So he just, he's got that dead, that dead stare of a demistached Frenchman.
Dead eyed stare.
So sad.
Basically, yeah, the kind of circus where there's the front end, it's a one end of the tent.
And at the back of the tent there are very sturdy cages
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spence with the cages and horrible horrible stench of dung just huge amounts of dung
A lot of it's stress done. It's not
It's horrible. It is horrible. These horrible things
I'm each of them garroth went on holiday to Russia
Back in times when you I don't think you can go and hold it Russian.
How can you feel British? Probably I think if you can you probably shouldn't at the moment.
But there are some absolutely fantastic deals.
Come down to the three bees travel agency.
Crime is cheap.
He went on holiday many years ago now, maybe eight years ago,
to I think, Moscow. And they one of the things you're meant to go to is the circus there,
which has been running for 150 years as the state, the state circus, right? Yeah. Right.
Yes. Yeah. And it's not an attempt. It's in like a kind of purpose built building, which
apparently is quite impressive and all this kind of stuff. And they went and yes, it was it was very bear riding a bicycle. Yeah, yeah.
Stuff that shouldn't be happening in the 21st century. Monkey throwing knives at a woman
rotating on a circular board. And apparently it was just very, very grim. There's a thing called
Zippo's Circus. Do you know about that? That's quite a big one in London. Right. I think I've driven past it. Yes, another one you mean. What kind of thing is that?
That looks like it's fairground rides though, half the time, when I've come past it.
I've never in my mind fully been able to distinguish between... There's some sort
of grey area between fairground and circus, isn't there?
Zippo's Circus. I went to see them recently do a show.
At the Barbican?
No. It was actually... it was at Riverside Studios.
Hammersmith said he did a theatre show.
Right.
With their sort of best of bits.
And how to get a camel up the, up the stairs on that venue, isn't it?
It really, it really is.
That's part of the show in the end, isn't it?
Yeah.
Just incorporate it.
But there, there was a lot of motorbike stuff.
There was a lot of balancing.
And then, and then there was like seven Brazilians.
It was quite cool.
There was a kind of there was an element of like, there were like seven Brazilian guys
who were doing stuff who were like these Brazilian like there was like this.
There was troops within it.
Right.
And you do.
There's a kind of romanticism, isn't there?
About like, what's their, what's that work being like seven Brazilian acrobats?
What's their, what's their life like? Yeah. There's a lot of people going up, you know,
doing scary things where you go, oh, yeah, that's part of what the circus is, isn't it?
Yeah. Acrobats balancing on things and you go, oh, he nearly, oh, God, he nearly fell.
But of course, um, then it occurred to me that that person isn't nearly falling over
at all.
You know, they're not, it's not, they're not on the edge of what they can do because
that this is just a job for them.
So no one does their job.
You know,
Are you saying, Henry, that we're not currently podcasting on the edge?
Because that's what we promise our listeners.
We're very special about.
Yeah.
This is a chat tightrope walk. That's what we promise our listeners. We're very special, Ben. Yeah. This is a chat tightrope walk.
That's what you're listening to.
And there's no safety net.
No safety net, except for the edit, which is a massive safety net.
So for example, at Bruton's Bakery, yeah?
Yeah.
Mr. Bruton, he's not like...
Every time he makes a doughnut, he's not going,
this doughnut is going to be so hot,
the jam's going to be so hot it's nearly going to kill me, but goddamn it,'s not going this doughnut. It's gonna be so hot the chance. We so hot
It's nearly gonna kill me but goddammit. I'm gonna make it. Ah, ah, I went too far. I went too far
I'm reading or like he's not piping it full of hot marmalade. Is he exactly he's not people operate you know
You operate your job. So you do you operate within you so but where's the circus every time a new acrobat was doing something with balancing
They were kind of doing this big play of like, oh, I'm right on the, oh, God, can I do it? Oh, that's bollocks, mate.
Listen, I'm going to make the Bruton. I shouldn't have shouted up. I did. I said,
just Mr. Bruton, shoot hot mom, maybe to her tone, huh?
I shouldn't have shouted that out.
Because he did fall off the ball. Because he did he did fall off the ball.
Because he did fall off the ball.
And down the ladder.
And into the pit of vipers.
Into the pit of vipers. And I didn't know they were real vipers.
Can I respectfully say that I think what you're saying is bollocks?
You can, mate. And I look forward to sharing your new one on this,
mate.
Okay.
Because what you're essentially saying is that all jobs have got the same level of danger,
which is just totally wrong. I mean, it was it was evil Knievel's job to, you know, get on a motorbike
and fly over 20 London buses. But it was very dangerous.
Evil Knievel, he might have been the exception though, right? Because I think there is a thing in clowning, isn't there?
Definitely where there's virtuosity in the feet, right?
Well, they'll do the thing that looks impossible.
They're never going to make it.
And then, oh my God, they did it.
Exactly.
That kind of stuff.
It's part of the rhythms of the shtick.
Evil, conneval just genuinely did actually smash himself to pieces once every three months.
Yeah, but he was trying to break record. That's a different genre. That's trying to break records
and stuff. Whereas a circus is, it's basically like EastEnders but live. They're doing it every day.
Yeah. They drown someone in a canal in the back of an Austin metro every week.
Exactly. Quite hard to do.
So this guy was piling up little boxes on top of each other.
So what he would do is, let's say these acrobats, right?
Each one's got, say, 10 minutes to fill.
They need to get applause out of the audience.
So what they do is they have to go, oh, I did it.
And then you go, yay.
So there's tension.
It's like, oh, he's not going to do it.
Oh, he did it.
And then you clap, right?
Tension and release.
Tension and release. After they've done that
once, they've got 10 minutes to keep on creating an atmosphere of
tension and release. So what happens is they have to up the
tension each time. So now it's like two chests of drawers on top of
each other and he's standing on top. So I'm looking back thinking,
that's weird, because a second ago, he was trying to make us think
he could only just manage to stand on one chest and now he's just stand on one box. So actually that box was I applauded
that man because he stood on a box and at the time actually looking back I was impressed
but maybe I shouldn't have been impressed about a man standing on a box. Maybe I shouldn't
have been impressed because he's just a flex standing on a box. Wait a second, I'm still on a box before.
I stand on a box load.
You're like one of those audience members who goes to stand up
and there's a man and sits there and goes,
I'm just as funny as these guys.
Why are they laughing at the man on the stage?
I'm just as funny.
I could do that.
Come on, Julie, we're leaving.
So you're spending the gig feeling sort of retrospectively misled?
That's what happened, yeah.
I kept on feeling retrospectively misled more and more as it went on.
It's one of the biggest scams.
I mean, I think after the post office thing is dealt with.
I'm kidding, it's the circus, and that's going to be the next.
That's who we're coming for.
They're using smaller and smaller boxes.
Do you understand? Do you understand? The enjoyment from the audience comes from thinking they're about to
think they're about to witness a spinal injury.
Exactly.
It's like watching a skiing on TV. It's the same feeling.
So, you have to feel that they're gonna fall. But if they're really gonna fall, if they
are close to that, then statistically, they will be falling a lot of the time.
They will be falling over and breaking their legs if they're genuinely working close to
the edge.
So it could be they are not even working close to the edge.
They can't be.
They cannot be working close to their edge.
And if they're not working close to their edge, then they are lying.
And you can dress it up all you want.
You can wear a pair of tight sparkly pants with stars on.
But you are a liar, my friend, and so is that camel.
Maybe they need to bring you in as a new director.
Yeah, truth.
Circus Verité.
The single most sued circus by its own performers in the world.
The only circus which guarantees injury every night.
The only circus with its own travelling A&E.
In fact we now perform it on the roof of a London hospital.
We will perform it on the roof of the UCH hospital where I was born as it happened.
We've got a series of funnels so the acrobat falls directly onto the operating table. It's operated on instantly.
And then back out onto the tightrope.
Back onto the tightrope and embrace.
So I understand what you mean, but I do still think that it's still... There is the chance of
something going wrong that doesn't exist, for example, if you are an accountant or, I mean, obviously, a sedentary life is quite dangerous.
Yeah, I mean,
An accountant can make a mistake which could ruin, bring a company down, destroy pension funds ruin lives.
Good point. No, that would be a watch, wouldn't it?
So that's why we're making accountancy as pegged at us for.
It's very slow bank. It's like old school cricket. You've just got to put the
time in, right?
Yeah.
Just watch him live, test accountancy.
You got to put the time in, but it really, or it pays off though, if you
understand it.
Eventually, he will.
He will, he will muck up someone's that return.
He will muck up someone's fat return.
Running off and joining the circus. Is that still open to us or anyone?
It's quite hard, isn't it?
I think it's got, we're doing live in a generation
where it's very easy to run off and like,
you can obviously run away, but to run off to do a thing.
Because you used to have options.
You could join the circus.
You could join the merchant navy. you could join the French front Legion
But even those guys now like you know you've got to turn up with a passport and all that stuff
And yeah, it's harder to harder to make make good your escape isn't it to a new life?
It's interesting whenever the circus is in town. I do I do have a little stroll around the carriages or the well the caravans caravans and
on the carriages or the, well. The caravans.
The caravans.
And they're not as romantic as they used to be now,
are they?
Because they're not like horse drawn carts and stuff.
They're big sort of burly metal blocks
that sort of truck driven I suppose, aren't they?
I've noticed they have a lot of loud al-sations around
for security reasons.
Jumping to a flaming hoop.
A flaming hoop.
There isn't, it just doesn't feel like there is a lot of romance around it.
Is there any more somehow as a life of traveling around?
Plus the modern circus is professionalized, right?
You can't just turn up.
If you're an acrobat, you need to have been sort of training as a gymnast from the age of four, right?
Gotta start early, you can't.
Oh, Mike, do you remember?
I think, or maybe you were both involved in this.
I do another podcast called Beef and Dairy Network Network and we did a live show in the South Bank in a terrible venue, which was like a big inflatable purple cow.
Yes.
Yeah.
And just after the hour show was going to be a trampoline show.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And the trampoline people where the closest I've come to like meeting old fashioned circus folk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were kind of Frenchy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. And the trampoline people were the closest I've come to like meeting old fashioned circus folk.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
They were kind of Frenchy.
Yeah. Yeah.
They were Frenchy.
They had these slightly feral children.
Yes, they had feral children.
Yeah.
They had that taught muscular.
Yes.
Sort of physique that you get that you only get from from hard circus work.
They're all very sinewy, weren't they?
Sinewy.
A bit bit tattooed.
Maybe was it some tattoos knocking around? Very friendly. They were lovely. sinewy, weren't they? Sinewy, a bit tattooed. Maybe was it some tattoos
knocking around? They're very friendly. They were lovely, yeah. Yeah, friendly and lovely. But
at the same time, could you sit down with them and have a conversation about council tax, for
example? I think when they hear the word council tax, they get straight back in the van and they're
on the motorway before you can... The question they go, we have led down too many routes here.
Yeah, might. Well, I mean, I tried it.
My residential parking permit chat with them really
stunk out the joint.
And I said, yeah.
They hated that.
I remember.
If I remember the contortionist tried to swallow herself
during that, I remember.
But yeah, they're nomadic, weren't they, basically?
Because they're travelling, even the families within the group,
they were all together all the time because they have to be. It's not like they're going away to do a weekend
job and then coming back again. It's no definite constant, wasn't it for those guys? Yeah. And
my big question sort of all the way through was just, are these children going to school anywhere?
Geeze. I think the answer was that their school was the trampoline, I think. Yeah. Maybe. And the headmaster was an
Alsatian.
I'm pleased to say we didn't directly ask some what the school
interaction was.
No, that was that was the elephant. Apart from the elephant, that was
the second, the second elephant in the room.
The elephant in the room wasn't wearing a sparkly dress. Was. Was about those kids and their education in the future.
What my mind is drawn to is like olden times.
Like, I don't know, like, Medi, were there therks as far back as that?
Or I don't know.
Like olden times, but obviously way before internet and before plane travel and road travel, the circus coming to town, the traveling entertainment in whatever form it takes, the minstrel, the troubadour, the circus.
That would have been massive, presumably.
Yeah.
Of course, it's a must see, right?
It's not, yeah.
Here's the entertainment that your villagers are going to get possibly for the next six months.
Yeah.
And I suppose there was that idea that you could go with them in theory.
You could, that would have been tempting, wouldn't it, to disappear off with them?
And they might have been wearing, they might have been wearing colors that you've never seen before.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
With stories from Swindon.
What news from Brecknell?
It's all very exotic. What news from brecknell?
It's all very exotic. I don't know why I think I know this might be bollocks. I think in the medieval period, a lot of times like Italian people would come over and perform in
Britain. And it was seen as being very exciting because of the sort of Italian traveling,
sort of, comedia type gangs. Yeah, exactly. But that's what I think, I feel like that is part
of the circus, which is, which I
liked when I saw this one recently, where there was like the Brazilian troop.
And then I think there was like, I don't know if there was some Chinese,
should Chinese acrobats is a thing, isn't it?
I think, yeah, definitely.
I think there was a Chinese.
So, yeah, obviously, before the internet, so for example, now I can, I can, I can
Google, I can just put into Google.
Seven Brazilian men put that into Google. So for example, now I can, I can, I can Google, I can just put into Google. Seven Brazilian men. Put that into Google. So you go,
Oh, I can just Google seven.
I'm going to do it right now.
Seven Brazilian men.
Coma, a brackets lies.
Unusually strong.
Seven Brazilian men.
It's come up Brazilian seven aside football.
I'll just put seven Brazilian men shagging in for that.
Don't just let this.
Let's get it done.
Let's get it done.
We can move on.
So, yeah, before the internet, that would have been like, I think the fact that there
were international troops within these circuses would have been like amazing.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But how do you break into a Brazilian acrobat troop?
If you're me now, it's difficult, isn't it?
I'm going to go as far as to say that it would be literally impossible for you to join the
Brazilian acrobat troop.
And that would be the first line of the most successful film of 2027.
Will be you saying that.
Is this a film of documentary then that follows your journey?
Yeah, it's Henry's acrobat journey.
At the end of it, you haven't veiled your way in in an admin role to which you are wholly
on-situ.
And you're living illegally in Brazil.
And I haven't been flying technically, but I've held it in legal status.
I'm not employed by them and I'm not employed by them, so technically I'm still working
for the circus in theory.
The only way you can stay in Brazil is if you do do two years of Brazilian national
service. That's it.
So I've got another legal case which I'm trying to say, can I do that in an admin role as
well?
I've got more admin jobs that I'm less than that's qualified to do. That's where I'm at.
Didn't say it'd be a successful film. I should have.
Yeah, if we had to join the circus, what would be the most likely thing we'd be able to do?
I think Mike would make a great clone.
But Mike, we haven't said this yet. Mike has got everything pretty much, hasn't he? He could do it.
Lion Tamer.
He could be a lion. I think Mike could be an acrobat. Mike's got the sort of physique
and the strength, I reckon.
Mike made a short film with lots of contortionists, right?
I did. That was very fun. They were amazing. They were proper acrobats. Yeah, there was
a contortionist there and a bunch of acrobats. They were Portuguese acrobats. There was a
gang there from Mimbra Theatre who were amazing. And they were cool. They were very cool people.
Were they UK based? They were very cool people.
Were they UK based?
They were UK based then and now I think.
Then what were they like off duty,
in the breaks and like around the work?
Like like...
Well, they had normal people.
So they weren't constantly like,
like the acrobatics, they weren't talking to you
from the chandelier, something like that.
Do you know what I mean?
Okay.
It wouldn't be, it wasn't like you'd pick up your
espresso cup and find that the contortionist was within it disguised as a lump of sugar.
I'm trying to chill out, mate. He leave me alone. Try not to have a break.
So you're not always upside down or in funny positions. Okay. Good to know.
But it was like, it was, it was the life. Like it made, they did make me feel like an amateur.
Like as a comedian, like now and again going off,
oh, gotta go to Coventry to do gig or whatever
and feeling like, wow, I'm really doing everything I can.
I even wrote a bit on the train or whatever.
I mean, like it's the life.
They're all in.
Yeah, they completely have had to be in from,
you know, from a very, very young age
and a constantly nursing sort of knee injuries
and, you know, binding their age and are constantly nursing, sort of knee injuries and binding their feet
and taping bits up and taking chunks out of themselves
when they're practicing stuff and coming up with new maneuvers.
I assume they're on a kind of ibuprofen drip most of the time
when they're not fully.
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah.
The other sense I get from Circus Folk I got it when I was for this show recently
I got it when when Ben as you're describing when we did that gig
There's a circus on after us is that this might be a cliche but in my mind in their off time
It's neat vodka and bore details
Like like like like kind of old-fashioned of old fashioned idea of a sailor or something.
Just like proper, let's get the vodka out, shots, bawdy's tails.
And they'd better be bawdy, because otherwise we're going to fight.
A very sort of barely furnished underground bar.
It's only got one type of drink on offer.
It's just the homemade vodka dancing until seven o'clock in the morning.
Dancing and fighting.
And there's no real distinction between
dancing and fighting and sex between them. It's all one sort
of, as you know, convulsion.
Very similar to the Lib Dems.
Before we do our emails, Mike has a little plug. Oh, I do have a
little plug, please. So I'm doing a sort of mini, the tour I took around last year, Zusa, I'm doing a little
mini tour of that with Little Wanda, because I'm going to make an audio album of it.
And that's sort of mid-feb to mid-march.
So if your fancy coming along, there's still a handful of tickets, knocking about, hither
and thither, lime regis, for example, St. Orstal, a couple of others maybe, butither and thither lime reaches for example st.
Orstal couple of others maybe but it's all on little wonder.co.uk yeah i'll put a link in
the show description so people can find that and yeah and then the plan is to release it as an
audio album after that your dark side of the moon yeah exactly exactly it's a great show. It is a great show. Yeah. Well, cheers, lads.
I've got to say that, haven't you?
Ready?
Socially, in terms of social mores, that's true.
I know, but we actually mean it, which we also would have to say.
So there's no way of...
Yeah.
So that's it.
Put it this way, if I lived in Lime Regis, I'd certainly think about going.
So that's it. Put it this way, if I lived in Lime Regis, I'd certainly think about going. Yeah.
Assuming I've already been to the Lime Museum, which I've probably, whichever lived there.
Although it might be one of those things where you never go.
Well, it's only in those the whole time, isn't it?
Exactly. It might be actually that Mike Scho is actually the thing that's going to finally
get you off out of the house and go and finally visit the Lime Museum. In which case, my work here is done, you know, provided a service.
Exactly.
And especially the interactive bit where you can squeeze a lime, don't they let you squeeze?
I think they let you squeeze.
Well, it's not a real lime.
It's not a real lime.
It's the same people they make in my crosshairs.
It's a fiberglass lime voiced by Bill O'Dowdy, isn't it?
He talks you through the lifecycle of a lime.
Yeah.
Yeah, so actually talking about it now, I think I'd probably go to that rather than
Mike's.
Yeah, it feels like it toss up between the two.
I think that's pretty clear.
Yeah.
Also, you don't actually get to squeeze the genuine fiberglass lime, do you?
That was voiced by Big Odie.
It's a replica.
It's a fiberglass.
It's original.
Oh yeah, it's not the original.
That's been missing for years.
From the great unsolved art heists, isn't it?
They assume it's probably like a a it's a probably like a
rational ago or something's got it.
One of those ones that lives in talkie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it might be might be
or Serbia and mobsters may be using it as leverage. We don't just send
them.
When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before.
Good morning, Postmaster. Anything for me?
Just some old shit.
When you send an email, this represents progress.
Like a robot,
shooing a horse.
Give me your horse.
My beautiful horse.
OK, time for your emails.
This is an email from Sandin from Tasmania.
Hello, dear Beans.
In your castles episode, a listener sent in a recording of the beam theme played over the top of an impromptu by Schubert. This prompted Henry to pitch a film where
Ben is sent back into the past and wakes up in Schubert's body.
Hearing it back, it does sound good, doesn't it?
It does sound good.
Anyway, while Sandin says, I'm not sure this would be appropriate casting. One of them
is a short, nearsighted, penniless, Habsburg-supporting composer, ignored by his contemporaries and absolutely riddled with syphilis.
Hang on, hang on.
And the other one is Schubert.
He's done it!
Woo-hoo! He's done it by Jove.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
the old switcherooge.
OK, yes, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that.
What?
I thought he's trying to say that.
Oh, he's gone the other what?
Oh, he's gone the other way around.
He means that.
Oh, that's what he meant.
Oh, what?
So what he said before wasn't actually, I thought it.
Now he's gone the other way around with it.
Oh, God.
It's the old switcheroo.
Nicely done.
Beautifully done.
Very good.
I just like to say I'm not short.
It's an optical illusion that you appear short, but you're actually not.
You sound short.
You sound short.
Well, that's why you always carry around three different size Toblerones, isn't it?
If you arrange them in a row and you walk, you walk.
Right.
If the eye of the viewer is at point A, right?
And Ben is at point B.
Which is next to miniature Toblerone, is it?
Ben's at point B. The miniature Toblerone is at point C.
The medium Toblerone is at point D.
And you're standing by the yardstick Toblerone, right?
If Ben then walks from point E to point C.
In an elliptical fashion.
Twilight.
Yeah, in Twilight.
If Steven the person at point A is really drunk.
Badly drunk.
Then we'll appear to actually be his actual size.
For a fraction of a second during that experience.
Assuming trinocular vision.
We have to assume you have trinocular a vision, which means you got one eye for
the left one eye for the right and another eye on the end of the nose.
That's try not to get a vision.
And your few theoretical beings have.
No, but sorry, they've made a mistake, which is you're not playing Schubert in this.
You're playing yourself in Schubert's body.
So he's saying you're bad casting for Schubert.
You're playing you.
Hey, listen, it took him on a journey to a perfectly delivered switcheroo.
Yeah, it's rare to see a switcheroo pulled off with such a land, to be
honest. Beautifully done.
Yeah, well done.
Yeah.
Okay, next email is from Alex from Heavy Tree.
Hello, Alex.
Oh, Heavy Tree.
Heavy Tree.
Where's that?
There is most definitely a Heavy Tree, a hopskip and a jump and
we're from where I'm sat.
Really?
Is it?
A part of Exeter City.
The subject title of the email is,
I whispered pompadou in Mike's ear and showed him my ass this weekend.
And yet we had a conversation at the beginning, which was like,
none of nothing had happened to us all this week.
Mike didn't mention that.
So he says,
on Saturday morning, I was out for a run in Exeter and I
ran past Mike while he was taking Pam for a walk.
True. Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Good girl, Pam.
Good girl, Pam.
Oh, Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam. No. Bam, bam. Bam, bam. Bam, bam. Bam, bam.
No.
Bam, bam, bam.
Bam.
I ran past without saying anything, regretting the opportunity missed.
About five miles later, as I was completing my loop, I could see him a star in the distance.
Lo and behold, a chance for redemption.
I ran up behind him, put my hand on his back, and whispered the word pompadou.
He was clearly startled.
I mean, of course he would have been.
Well, he's also missed that.
He did come from behind.
I think he not only came from behind, but came into that.
That's sort of, you know,
here you have a sort of physical blind spot as well.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, that's behind, but behind is the blind spot, isn't it?
Unless you've got try and oculovision.
Exactly.
Yeah.
With adrenaline coursing through my veins, I decided to sprint off while leaving Mike
stunned.
An unfortunate gust of wind caught my shorts.
Brackets, which would be better described as an overpriced loincloth.
Yeah, right.
That was an accidental blow of wind.
Yeah, I bet it had a little bit of help along the way.
Pam and I were loiter next to the gusting machine.
Just on the off charts, someone's wearing some flimsy shorts.
Lifting the back flap of my shorts high into the air.
I was not wearing underwear for maximum aerodynamics.
My only hope is that my Chris so startled by a random blip whispering
pompadouin his ear that he was unable to pay attention to my rather unkept cheeks.
Best wishes, Alex.
Thanks, Alex.
And I appreciated the whole encounter.
He went off with terrific speed.
Such speed at one point, I thought he was going to fall over and go fully A over T.
But I don't think he needs to worry about it.
He was quite a young man and he's looking after himself.
He's a jogger.
Is that your way of saying he's got nice buttocks?
His buttocks were in great shape.
Yeah.
And if you're going to let a pair of buttocks out on a cold, frosty, January morning, you
could do far worse than Alex of Heavitree's buttocks.
I think you need to be careful here, Mike, because you don't want to encourage people
to sort of track you down and show you their arse, really.
That's not...
You assume.
Yeah. That was not... You assume?
Yeah.
That was a...
Quite a big assumption in there, Ben, wasn't it?
One extraordinary tale.
Finally, Mel, this is from Chris from Bremen.
Hello, Chris.
Hi, Beans.
I was delighted to hear your Indiana Jones chat
in the castles episode,
not only due to the lukewarm nature of the banter,
but also, and primarily,
because my dad plays our comedies in the movie.
What? No way. Wow. Wow.
As the son of the great inventor and polymath, I feel it is within my rights to offer all
casting directors who may be listening a pompadou discount of 10% on all his acting services,
excluding voiceover work. Not to love him all the best, Chris.
Oh, brilliant. I've still not seen it. I mean, that makes me want to see it even more.
Thank you, Chris.
I'm thinking Chris is dead.
For answering that casting email that you must have assumed
was a mistake on first read. It's time to pay the ferryman Patreon.com. The main event is you can get our monthly bonus episode. We also have ad-free episodes.
And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean
Bean lounge where Mike was last night.
And it was a fun but practical one last night, wasn't it?
Because the local blacksmith had come round and was doing bespoke horseshoes if you wanted
one.
He was.
He was. It was bespoke horseshoes if you wanted one. He was. He was.
It was bespoke horseshoe night last night.
The Sean Bean Lounge and here's my report.
It was bespoke horseshoe night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.
Christina Knowles fulfilled a lifelong ambition and had horseshoes made in the shape of disco
balls which were then shot upon the feet, hands and noses of Henry Perry.
Chris Gosney and Dan Owens, all of whom were then forced to dance the Frederick Hillinger smelting poker, before being melted down and recast into a statue of
Lucinda as a Napoleonic general, a top which an iron pigeon was cast in the image of Ryan Bateman,
which was then hung upside down for good luck. The farrier then turned their attention to
James, who opted for K-pop themed horseshoes, Tito Sandstorm, who went for a thermos flask
variety, Winter Ellis, who chose the theme of true crime, and Cordelia whose horse shoes told the story of the great play.
Tessa Fish, Daupo and Andrew Templeton clumped together to have timeshare horse shoes made of precious jewels.
Only to have Scott Broadhurst claim the emeralds were stolen from his badminton tiara,
Allison claim the diamond was taken from her moon drill,
and Adrian Lockery claim the mother second cousin of Pearl was taken from his father's bastard's nephew's solitaire set. In the What Goes in the Sean Bean Lounge
stays in the Sean Bean Lounge sub lounge, Lauren Wellburn had horseshoes made of the
pelts of fox hunters, Emily Roaner had horseshoes made of unethical investment portfolio documents,
Hattie Jones had horseshoes made of Enid Blyton novels, Michael had horseshoes made
of smoking, and Gemma Burgess had horseshoes made from the tears of polar bears that had
been intended for use in replenishing a withered glacier. In the Sean Bean Casino Zone, Claire
Lowen, Chris B and Matthew Donald all chose the mystery box and ended up with horseshoes that
included the warrants for the arrest of Richard Churchill and his subsequent extradition to Guam.
They enacted the warrant with such brutal efficiency that they were rewarded with a slice of Jenny
Lang's savory horseshoe pies and treated to a rendition of the national anthem by Graham Wells on a freshly minted horseshoe trumpet.
Don McGowan misjudged the mood by attempting to commission sexy horseshoes before backpedaling
and claiming they were intended as a gift from Alexander Murphy to Jamie Thelon and not
for personal use. A claim Alexander and Jamie were able to refute using the phylofax horseshoes
of James Dolan and Rollo, upon which their schedules and innermost thoughts were documented. But the night was rounded off with a more aspirational spirit.
As Dylan had a set of horseshoes fashioned with en suite, Genfitt's Gerald went for a jukebox set.
Julia Dimitrieva was shorn with horseshoes that clickety-clacked perfectly into stirrups.
Laura McKenzie had horseshoes made with their own small orbit, into which Josh Morgan was
launched as a man satellite to deter midges, and Charlie Osborne commissioned horseshoes that were haunted by the spirit
of a medieval peasant known as Bennett the Bothersome Little Wanker.
Thanks all.
OK, that's the end of the show, but we will finish with the version of our theme tune
sent in by one of you.
This one is from Damien and Emily.
Hello.
Hello.
And they have sent in a version of our theme tune which they describe as being our version of your theme in the key of springsteen called the streets of Benadelfia.
Ah, brilliant.
Thank you. That sounds smashing. So that's the end of the series. Thanks all for listening. We have February off. We shall return in March. So you're in March. 12. Is that right? Is it? Absolutely smashed the Sopranos out of the water. I mean,
you left them all behind, haven't we?
Sopranos breaking bad succession left them all behind,
not last the summer wine.
Still not.
Or garden as well.
Or garden as well.
The spring watch.
But a lot of big hitters have just fallen by the wayside.
And they said, a lot of people thought we wouldn't. We wouldn't be more successful than the Sopranos, didn't they?
A lot of people said that. Some people thought it was such an assumption they didn't even bother saying it.
Some people are very much in their, I told you so, phase, aren't they? With regards to that prediction.
Take that, whoever wrote the Sopranos.
Bye. Bye. Thank you. Music నినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినినిన� On the streets, beat again the earth On the streets, in the beating of fear