Three Bean Salad - Cloche Bleue
Episode Date: April 3, 2024Cloche Bleue: noun 1) Term used to denote a blue bell or a cat named Bluebell by a French speaker or by members of London’s metropolitan elite 2) archaic Obsolete Royal Naval punishment also known ...as the “Arctic Arse Spinnaker” 3) A curate’s egg of an episode in which the podcasters forget to find a proper topic to discuss after being mesmerised by the work of a French jinglist called SamuelJoin our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpodMusic includes:An der schönen blauen Donau, Op.314 (Strauss Jr., Johann) by Das Orchester TSUMUGI. (Creative Commons Attribution 4.0)
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How have you been? How have your mornings been so far?
Hmm. Has Mike, it seems like Mike's got something to hide.
He does, doesn't he? Mike looks like he's...
Like what's Mike been up to this morning?
Mike looks like he's got, he may potentially has a mass murder to hide.
Well, I picked up some turds.
Oh God.
In terms of what Pam did to the gasser, mass murder isn't too far off it.
Have you been on a Pam walk?
Yeah, there's a little one.
I'll take her on a big one later.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Good girl, Pam.
Good girl, Pam. Oh, Pam. Pam. Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam There's got to be one chunko, at least big one, and then a couple of smaller.
So will you tend to do the morning one? Will that tend to be you or does it vary?
Well, it varies, but yeah, quite often, yeah.
Covered my town with turds.
And you're keeping all the turds, aren't you?
There's a turd pyramid in your back garden.
That's correct.
Yeah.
That's three years of turds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which people can come and see, yeah, it's £2.49 per person.
Kids go free.
And, uh, it's, and also there's something for the dads, isn't there? You've, you've
made some lewd sculptures out of turds.
We have, yes, the, the, the turd dick wall is, uh, it's quite, quite the talk of the
town and these parts.
Yeah.
He'll probably win the Turner Prize.
And be one of their best recent winners, probably.
It feels like that kind of Philistine take on the Turner Prize is slightly
ebbed off in recent years.
I'm still betting the same for it.
It's still a small, tight and really dedicated community, community Ben that do still tut at the Santa Prize every year. So you can't get rid of a studies.
The belief if you're chopping a cow in half, it should be, it should be purely for agricultural
reasons.
Yes, exactly. Or to teach a lesson to a child, for example, as a warning.
Or to get your keys back or to hide if you're cornered by the
bailiffs, for example. But for art, don't think so. Realistic picture of a jug, please.
Thank you. Every time.
Still lifes are rubbish, aren't they? That, that's, that's, that's going to be my take is that the still life, like
bowl of fruit or whatever, that is rubbish compared to anything in the Turner prize.
Is there a good one ever?
There's that one with us, like some fruit and a loot.
Do you know that one?
It's quite famous.
There's one with some sunflowers in there I've heard of.
That's quite famous.
I think.
Yeah, that's rubbish.
It is a bit weird, isn't it?
That you choose to just arrange some fruit on a table and
paint that.
There must be some thinking behind it, wasn't there?
Where did it come from?
You're the art person, Henry, you should know this.
I should, shouldn't I?
I've got absolutely no idea.
In a way, it's a shame, isn't it?
Because it'd be much more interesting cultural record, because it's like a glimpse into the
past.
If they'd done a painting of like their underwear drawer or their shower, or like
their stuff. But instead, no, I'm going to arrange some fruit on a table and paint that.
What's in the poorly organised kitchen drawer?
Exactly.
Well, it's the medieval equivalent of some used batteries. Some batteries that you're
not sure if they're used or not.
Did Hans Holbein the Elder have a zester?
We'll never know.
He didn't use for five years but wouldn't throw away.
You're right Henry, the pile of fruit is the one thing that probably hasn't changed.
You know that looks the same in 2024 than it does in...
And vases are still old fashioned looking now, do you know what I mean?
Jugs look exactly the same, they're basically like medieval technology aren't they?
Yeah, so what was going on with Still Life? looking now. Jugs look exactly the same. They're basically like medieval technology, aren't they?
Yeah. So what was going on with still life? It feels a bit more like it feels like it should be more like a thing you do to
train. Do you mean? So you can master, you know, light coming
off an orange or whatever.
Is it the equivalent of a sort of taking a picture of your meal
on Instagram or something slightly? Is it like,
Well, I check me out. I've got a pair.
Yeah. Look at me. I've got a pomegranate and three metal jugs and a pewter dish.
I'm living my best medieval life.
I've also got a skull with a candle in the top.
It's not all medieval, so is it? Cause there's that Andy Warhol one of a banana.
That one I've always struggled to work out why that's good.
Isn't it? It's a Velvet Underground cover, is it?
Well, yeah, but I think they used it as a cover.
Right, I see.
Because they thought it was so good.
It is good though, isn't it?
But it's just a picture of a banana.
But it's good.
Can I say it's in the category of, if no one had ever done that,
and I put it out in the category of if no one had ever done that, and I put out on Twitter
tomorrow. Yeah. I don't think I'd get a lot of traction. Would I for that picture of a
banana? Would I become the coolest person in New York? Would people be flocking to my
nightclub? I just don't think I would. Which brings me on to the new Banksy. Oh yeah, there is a new Banksy.
Is there?
Yeah, it's quite near. I think it's probably quite near me. Yeah, there's a new Banksy.
What are they called?
What?
What do you mean? Oh, you mean as in there's a new, I thought you meant as in there's a
new person.
As a new Banksy in time.
No, no, no, no. Banksy's done a new, what were our thoughts on Banksy by the way?
Tosser.
I don't really think that it's always be fun to say that. No, it's quite fun to say that. I'm not, I'm not a big Banksy fan though. Really. I've got no problem with him at all. My only problem with
Banksy is it's always a bit like, um, Oh, look, it's a policeman, but with the head
of a dolphin. Oh, yeah. Do you mean? Oh, it's a tank. But but instead out of the big gun
bit at the end, you know, it's coming out of it. It's firing mothers to mother tank.
Oh, right. Yeah. I do quite admire him for sticking to his anonymity guns.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah, that's true.
I think most people would have cracked by now.
Obviously it could be any of us, couldn't it?
Well, isn't he from Bristol?
Isn't that the thing that everyone knows?
Well, we're doing a live show soon.
Yeah, Banksy is like, yeah, I like the fact he exists.
I like the fact he's kept it secret.
It's always quite good fun when a new one pops up.
It's very 90s, isn't it? But it does feel, yeah. Do you know
when he sort of kept the nineties thing going? Everything about
banks is very nineties. It's very Bristol scene for some reason,
like, you know, like the Bristol music and stuff of the nineties.
It's got that vibe to it. But I think maybe it's because he
hasn't your massive attacks and massive attack all that stuff.
Cool, cool Bristol. When Bristol
between the two great ages of just infinite pasties, there was a brief window where Bristol
was incredibly cool. Just pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties,
pasties, pasties, cool as heck. Pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties, pasties,
is that fair?
So you're saying that era is over of coolness now is just the era I think the era of coolness
is over probably in back to pasties. Yeah. It was very, very cool. I briefly had
a briefly had a zoo. Yeah. And then back to past days. Quite a lot of the zoo probably ended up in
the past days. If I think the other the two industries were were probably coexisting. Yeah.
Symbiotic, weren't they? Yeah. But I think banks, he's managed to keep it going, partly because he
hasn't, we've never seen him. And what Banksy will now look like, I think theresy's managed to keep it going, partly because he hasn't seen him. And what
Banksy will now look like, I think there's no question, because of, you know, times past,
he's now a middle aged man, he will now wear a tank top, a woolen tank top, red corduroy
tie.
Waterproof gilet.
Yeah, a waterproof gilet on top of the tank top. So he's completely
neglecting his arms. He's got two layers of armless clothing.
Very long gloves, though. They go up past the elbow.
Very, very long gloves, which are worn by sort of gilded age
American heiress to the opera, which he bought for a lot of
money. That's what he's mainly spent his money on. Because he'll have an obscure historical interest, won't he, like all middle-aged men?
Yeah, flapper girls in this case.
It'll be flapper girls and their gloves. Specifically their gloves. Which he actually lectures on
in universities. And doesn't he? Under the name of Dr. Norris Pimpington. Which is actually
his real name.
But there's never a photo attached.
Well there's only ever a photo of a rat holding some balloons and a machine gun. That's a
photo of him. He puts on all his books.
And then trousers wise, it's brown cords with integrated round hemorrhoid cushion.
That's right. And it's a paisley hemorrhoid cushion.
Anti-DVT stockings.
Anti-DVD?
Yeah, both. One leg is anti-DVD, the other one is anti-DVT. One leg he's worried about
getting clogged, the other one is still fighting on that Blu-ray battle.
He's so pro Blu-ray isn't he?
He thinks DVDs are going to ruin television.
He thinks that TV reached its height with the second series of Alfida Same Pet.
Doesn't he?
He puts a lot of money into trying to bring back Alfida Same Pet, doesn't he?
He's hired Julian Fellowes to write a new Alfie De Saint Pet.
But Jimmy Nell says no.
But I think there's maybe some truth in that.
In what?
He's got a collection of 1920s flappers gloves, which he wears with his gilet and trousers
with integrated hemorrhoid
pillow.
He's got, he's one of the only people in the world to own a pair of quadruple tweeted shorts.
So he's got shorts that have four different tweeds. So from left to right, it starts with
one tweed and by the time you get to the other side of the shorts, it's a fourth Tweed. It's gone through. That means he's had to enlist four different great
Tweed families to work together.
And he's had to battle four Scottish clans in order to win the Tweed.
Yeah, there's a lot of bad blood between the Tweed artisans.
A lot of bad. Huge, huge, awful blood. Some of the worst blood in the world between those
Scottish Tweed families. But the point I'm making is I think that, um, he's managed
to keep his cool mystique by never revealing his face. It's the same trick that Daft Punk
pulled. And Darth Vader. No, but yes, I think, um, Banksy has kept some of his mystique,
hasn't he? Well, he's kept all of his mystique. No one knows who he is. Yeah, because we can't see his ruddy cheeks.
His thriving nostril hairs.
His hugely thriving nostril hairs.
His crocs.
His crocs. His comb over.
His calloused heels and his varucas.
His subscription to the spectator.
Are there people in your local area, Mike, who assume that you're Banksy because of your
dog-teared pyramid?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Yeah, and I don't want to disabuse them of that because it adds to my own mystique, you
see.
Yeah.
You've got a pretty big mystique, I'd say.
I mean, you have got the, in a way, it would be perfect, wouldn't it?
Because you are, I would say in the whole of Britain, you are the person that,
that I would least suspect of being Banksy.
Isn't it?
Which would actually be the perfect disguise because you are the anti Banksy. Aren't you?
Fearsely anti art.
What you would want a stencil of on a wall in East London would be a policeman
with the head of a policeman, the gun of a policeman and two backup policemen
behind him. And oh, and standing next to the car of a policeman, a police car.
Arresting a little girl who has done a crime.
Ideally all photorealistic, please.
Yeah. If I actually, you know what, tell them into real policemen because we need more of
them on the streets. And that's what I call art.
Is that you would actually just, just, just get more policemen out there.
And you know, you'd have to, in fact, you'd have a special squad to remove vandalistic art from walls.
Wouldn't you?
You'd have people taking down banksies.
Yeah.
There's any one type of paint I get behind it.
That's Andy Klein paint, frankly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you'll have Andy Klein paint on anything.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Even if it's not a climb, even if it's not a climb hotspot.
I've got it on the backs of my shoulders just in case.
Time to turn on the beam machine.
Yes please.
And we're going to use a version of the beam machine jingle sent in by a listener.
This is from David.
Thanks David.
He says, It is with great regret that I write to inform you of a recent occurrence.
The other day I was exploring the old smuggler's caves, and I happened upon a chasm previously
unknown to me.
Throwing caution to the wind, I descended.
As I plunged deeper and deeper into the darkness, I started to hear sounds, echoed and distorted
yet eerily familiar.
Was that?
Ben Partridge introducing a jingle. Henry Packer
screaming. Mike Wozniak chuckling. Could it be? I have endeavoured to recreate the horror
that I experienced. Please find attached.
Mysterious.
Mysterious indeed. It was quite 90s Bristol, that wasn't it? Very Banksy.
Very Banksy.
Wasn't it?
It's a really Banksy themed episode.
Really, I recently spanned through, we've got quite a backlog of jingles to play, which
is nice.
I've slightly forgotten which ones we've already played, which is, I mean, a bit of a muddle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Adaman-wise.
Yeah.
There's a lot of jungle versions of our theme tunes of our, of our jingles.
Was that jungle?
What we were just listening to.
There was a jungly feeling was there?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Goldie.
Goldie.
Yeah.
It's all quite nineties, isn't it?
Yeah.
Which I think maybe puts a good age on our listener, on our average listener.
Yeah, it might do.
The jungle enthusiast.
Uh, we've got, what we've got is a lot of versions of the Pompidou theme, but
we don't tend to do that many Pompidou's.
And we don't do it.
I think what it was, was when we started the podcast, we did a lot of deciding
kind of what the podcast would be like, but now we know what it's like.
It's this.
Is it?
Sorry, but it's this.
There is no more Pompidouing.
There is no more progress.
We stopped analyzing it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We, yes, you're right.
We're, it's a post Pompidou thing now, isn't it? And this is...
We've atrophied into this kind of... Yeah.
These are our best tubes. Isn't it? These are the tubes we've got. These tubes aren't
going to change.
Yeah. So I hope we will still have cause to talk about, you know, something in a pompadou
sense and we can use up these
jingles. But yeah, I mean, I guess you could say, couldn't you, that the fact that we're
talking about whether the podcast as a format has crystallized from weather or change.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute. We've only gone and done it again. There's always another tube within
the tube. You're right. The tubes do keep evolving.
They're wet tubes. That's what we are. It's more like, it's less like the pompadour's
centre. It's more like the internal organs of an animal. Isn't it? It's wet tubes. It's
still piping. It's still a form of, it's still irrigation. It's still, isn't it? It's still
a pipe network.
I'm so confused as to. We're wet piping. So we're flexible.
We're flexible. We're flexible tubes.
I think we've got, I think we've got four or five hot analogies on the go at the moment.
You know what? It's a bit like spaghetti, the tubes that are like spaghetti is all mixed
up, isn't it? Metaphorically.
Anyway, I would say the fact that we're talking about this does make this a Pompadou and so
we can play a Pompadou jingle if we so wish.
Brilliant.
Will it be a version of one?
Yeah, this is from Oscar.
Yeah, got another version.
Hello Beans, I've done an extra jungle-y version of the Pompadou jingle.
More jungle.
Thank you Oscar.
Here we go. And here is our brand Pompidou Section.
You know what? That's really brought back the nineties. That was, I think that an emotion
I felt a lot in the nineties was just incredibly uneasy. It was very uneasy music, wasn't it? Why was
it so uneasy and dark? Because it's like a sinister sounding, isn't it?
Because this is the music that your parents wanted you to be afraid of.
I think so, yes.
This was the music that would lead you to raves, straight drugs.
Well, that's the thing, because it's the jungle rhythm. It's incredibly sort of like...
Do you feel like committing an act of civil unrest?
It makes it yeah. It couldn't look I don't want to sound like an old boy, but it couldn't be further from Viennese Waltz.
Could it? I don't know. I think if you sped up a Viennese Waltz, you could make it. But it's just very uneasy and then obviously in the 90s everyone was doing drugs and that
sort of made people feel uneasy and people getting together in warehouses that's a bit uneasy.
I was wearing global technicolor t-shirts.
Yeah, and glowing.
Hyper colour.
People wearing like neon sunglasses and stuff.
IKEA had just arrived in Britain, very uneasy time.
Very uneasy.
Suddenly we have to do flat back?
What?
Yeah.
A desk lamp for £1.50.
That's an uneasy price.
I mean, I now want to buy 500 desk lamps.
Why am I suddenly buying 500 desk lamps?
Yeah.
Why am I getting excited about the meatballs?
They're just really, really small meatballs.
Why am I getting so excited about the meatballs that I'll still be talking about them on podcasts in 25 years time?
There's a great thing on Twitter this week where someone on Twitter complained to IKEA
that they'd gone to an IKEA branch, eaten the meatballs, and then minutes later as they
walk around the store, shat themselves. They'd done this big complaint and then a number
of doctors piped up underneath and
said it's very unlikely that the meatballs would make you shit immediately.
So that was...
Ben, I've been burning, I've been beating this drum for years and no one listens to
me.
You're shunting out a previous meal's poo.
You're not pooing the meal you've just eaten.
It's barges.
It's the grand union can't help us if it's barges.
You're shunting out a previous barge and yet the meal you've just eaten gets the blame. Whereas actually it's
not necessarily the booner you've just had.
It was the trio of scotch eggs you had in the afternoon.
That you found in the boot of your car.
Yeah. And it's actually, and it's probably the first of those scotch eggs, which is shunting
the other two along. You've got to backdate these things.
Don't start throwing blame around.
Well, that's what these medical professionals were saying.
They were saying that shitting yourself was already in the post.
Already in the post.
It was written.
So all you've done is alerted the world to the fact you shat yourself in an Ikea.
Yeah.
Did he back down?
Or did he dig his heels in?
We live in a time where people dig their heels in more and more, I feel.
I think it's going to run and run that one.
And if it has run and run that also would be the responsibility of the meatballs.
Very tidy.
Something you had the night before nicely done.
Um, by the way, I've got a possible exception to that rule, which is the time
when I ate some chicken, some, some chicken nuggets with a, with a hot, spicy and brand new
Korean dunking sauce.
Henry, it was the Scotch eggs you'd found in the boot of your car.
They'd been there for weeks.
It was the three Scotch eggs game, wasn't it?
I just, I'd been assuming for months that they were just, they were just three
smelly old tennis balls in the back, the car rattling around in the back.
I mean this conversation, though disgusting, helps me get through the backlog.
Is there a digestive tract?
This is from James. Hello beans, please find the touch my rendition of the digestive track
talk jingle in which you can hear me having multi-tracked myself playing the cello.
Digestive track talk on me?
Him?
Him doing me?
Pitch perfect impression.
Yeah.
Wow.
I think it's the first time I've ever had someone do an impression of me.
He did it quite well.
Has Bluebell ever eaten a Scotch egg I wonder?
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember Samuel?
Remind me.
Is he, no, who's Samuel?
From La France.
Oh yeah.
Which one's he?
He's a fantastic man who did a very good French version of the flightless bird theme tune, which was one of my favourites.
Samuel.
Anyway, Samuel says, here is a new French version of one of your jingles, Bluebell.
I don't have much to say on this one apart from one interesting fact.
The sentence, she's a cat in French, c'est un chat.
Does that sound rude in French?
Can both mean she's a cat and she's a cat.
Yes. Which is actually because people used to
think i was saying that didn't they well it's me singing that bit yeah come off it that was
also in english as well that was he singing that bit wasn't it anyway here we go Cloche bleue, cloche bleue, douce et gentille et sage et gentille.
Cloche bleue, cloche bleue, pas tropuste et cuisse soyeuse.
Cloche bleue, c'est qu'est chic
Comme une voiture rétro
Tu iras très haut
Clash bleu, clash bleu
Emmène-moi dans ton voyage magique
Clash bleu, clash bleu
Vers la voie lactée dans ton vaisseau férique Your magical journey, blue bell, blue bell
Towards the Milky Way, in your ship, blue bell
It's a charm
I'll give you biscuits on the moon
Giant macarons, like in a dune Absolutely incredible.
I mean, that's super, isn't it?
That's one of my faves.
Yeah.
It's better than the original with the greatest of respect.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
It's fantastic.
That's brilliant.
You know, by the way, we all saw the, we've all seen the film Dune 2 recently.
Yeah.
We did.
Which we talked about in a Patreon only film corner episode.
But I had another thought about Dune 2, something that's reminded me of, which is there's a
lot of talk of bloodlines in Dune 2.
There's a lot of stuff about sort of who's got the right blood, sacred blood.
Blood can sort of listen and sort of speak.
Because it's very much a kind of, it's got a sort
of, it's that kind of aristocratic.
Ducal families.
Ducal mythologies of like, and the one with the right blood will be king. And essentially
all the core values of three bean salad.
Right.
Yeah.
And maybe it reminded me of when we bought blue bell, which, um, I
think I've ever talked about blue bell was purchased. It's quite a weird concept, but
she has Sareena. Well, she's, she's certainly British. She's a British shorthair. So they're
all British aristocracy. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But then those guys all have a bit of Russian
or German. They've all got a bit of Russian. There's some Kaiser.
Kaiserina.
Her four cats would have been, they would have been deeply embroiled in World War I in a very
complicated way.
Very, very complicated way.
Cousins firing at cousins.
Yes, very, very hard time for the Shorthairs because which side were you on? You could end up,
you know, bayoneting an uncle, whatever.
But of course they traced it and they traced the heritage back to the Roman Empire.
Short hair. That's actually true.
Do they?
Yeah.
Nonsense.
I think they're Roman cats.
Bollocks.
But if you think, imagine a Roman centurion's helmet, picture it.
Now picture a British short-haired's face.
Instead of theair's face instead of the Romans face
you weren't supposed to be pitching Romans face you're just supposed to be pitching the helmet
but what am i replacing on the helmet with the with the face of the cat the brush bit
is it a whisker no you're supposed to be descending with that there a cat hiding in it
now you're supposed to be lowering the helmet onto the British short-haired's head.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
Oh my God, it fits.
It fits perfectly.
And I couldn't have faked that.
It's not that there's a cat sleeping in a centurion's helmet drawer because it's cosy.
That's a very cute image as well.
Feel free to picture that.
Thank you.
Well, they've got the wide chunky face so militaristic. The eyes
are the eyes are far enough apart that you can get a nose a nose
shield down the middle.
So you're like a Norman helmet, they can wear a normal helmet,
they could wear any any other great helmets. I think I think
they were there in the Bay of tapestry. There's definitely
some short has knocking on in there. But basically, we bought
her from a place in Kent for a town and the person basically, I don't know if Mike got the stories with Pam when you bought Pam, but we bought
bluebell from a quite an eccentric, you know, you picture an eccentric person whose job is selling
cats. Were they wearing a toga and they said, my name is Cambrianus, come through.
Help yourself to a goblet of wine and come in.
Yes, and I'm sorry, we only eat grapes lying down here. Just a little house rule. So if you're
going to eat any grapes, lie down. So you first met Bluebell, she's draped across a chaise long.
Yeah. The woman we bought her off, the cat dealer, that's what I call them, cat dealers,
was ex-military. From the Legion.
dealer, so I call them cat dealers, was ex-military. From the Legion.
Exactly.
Fighting in Gaul.
She was ex-military, right?
So we went into the back of a very normal looking one up, two down, two up, three, whatever
that phrase is.
A frame, one up, two down.
Just sort of standard suburban house in this little town.
Because you're sort of describing a pyramid.
Just a standard.
She's a retired Legionnaire who's a member of the Illuminati.
Okay, probably quite senior if she's got one of those, if it's detached as well.
Yeah.
Attached pyramid. Semi's detached as well. Yeah. You've got an attached pyramid.
Send me the detached pyramid.
Okay.
But so it all looked like a normal house and we went in, we'd go through the front door
and she took us into the back and the way I remember it is the back garden was a kind
of military training camp for like short hair.
So there were these cages of short hairs and they were running down little ramps.
They were sort of doing exercises.
I don't know, it felt like walking into a kind of Rambo or maybe like a Vietcong camp
or something.
I don't know.
It was like wooden cages and there were big males.
The males are very big, prowling, proud.
I mean-
Target practice, a bit of hand-to-hand combat happening in one corner somewhere.
It was hand-to-hand combat.
No, that's not, you know, it was like, it was like in Planet of the Apes, the first
one where Charlton Heston gets caught and they get taken through the kind of the ape
world and they said, yeah, they're all fighting this kind of militaristic society.
By the way, the males, I mean, just get a sense of how intimidating they are.
These males are prowling around in special cages and these males can grow up to almost
a foot tall.
So we're talking seriously intimidating.
Sort of like the size of a cat really.
Fully grown cat.
They put it this way, two of these cats, one standing in front of the other, that would be the length of two cats nose to tail.
cats, one standing in front of the other, that would be the length of two cats nose to tail.
Yeah.
I mean, in bus terms, we're talking like probably like a fiftieth of a bus high.
Can I ask, Kenny, when you went out into the sort of cat breeding slash training paddock,
the wall of cat piss smell you must have hit when you walked in there, right?
It's intimidating.
Yeah.
It's intimidating.
So many pheromones flying around.
So many pheromones. And there's different types of piss. There's territorial piss. There's
the sexual piss. Some of the piss is just small talk. It's just how are you pissed.
Memo piss.
There's memo piss. There's like goss piss. There's obviously a lot of gosses going around.
And gospel piss, there's all kinds, so many different levels.
And obviously, Kat's nose can differentiate them all.
And it's very sophisticated.
You're not able to counteract that, are you?
Just you know, what a man.
I did my best, but at the end of the day, I was just one man taking a piss in a Kent
garden.
It was never going to work.
But did you start, I imagine like the pheromone hit you must have got.
Yeah.
You start thinking, ah, you're right. I am inferior to this male cat.
Yeah, no, exactly. I will.
Splay your external genitalia, submissively?
I will splay my external genitalia to the extent that I can.
That's a man who's just done a piss is then taking his trousers off and lying down in a camp car. But you know, it
was the best I could do. Yes, and it's extremely intimidating
atmosphere. These, I mean, these guys enough, the size of these
British these male British shorthairs, I can't, I can't emphasize enough the size of these British, these male British shorthairs.
Imagine a, um, basically imagine a rhino keyring.
And it's about 25 times bigger.
But like, but it's not on a chain.
It's loose.
It's not, it's not on a chain, mate.
You wish.
You wish it was chained up.
Choose your fighter. And then it's a question
of, you know, I had to fight the biggest short hair there. Obviously to earn the right to
take Bluebell as your bride. Yeah. But she said a few, she was quite, she was into the
bloodlines. It was all about bloodlines. That's why it reminded me of June. Way cuter than
the worms by the way. Like not even close.
But surely I imagine Bluebell has been infested with worms at some point.
Actually not really because Bluebell lives exclusively indoors. Basically like Michael
Jackson during his bubble phase. Not not bubbles, no no bubbles. When he lived in a bubble.
Bubble was the name of his chimp wasn't it?
Bubble was the name of his chimp but he also live in a bubble for a bit? Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's where Blue
Bull exists. So she's, she's, she's, she's never really come across of a,
She's a cosseted princess.
She's a cosseted princess. Yeah. And that's sort of how the Short Hair Kingdom is divided
is you've got costed princesses and you've got bull faced warriors.
Yeah.
Sort of exist to protect them. But you sense that the costed princesses, the female short hairs are a bit like the
weirding women, the witches in Dune, that they sort of...
They're pulling the strings.
And they can see into the future and stuff.
And they can see into the future.
Yeah.
Get you to pass them a glass.
We're up with magic.
Buy me the posher biscuits.
We will sometimes say that.
Buy me the posher meat biscuits which have a combination of lamb and chicken.
Get me the duck this week.
I want the duck.
I want a duck for ages.
But the point this story makes is that the story is about a woman who's been in a relationship
with a man who's been in a relationship with a woman for a long time.
And she's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's been in a relationship with a man who's People will sometimes say that. Maybe the posher meat biscuits which have a combination of lamb and chicken. Give me the duck this week.
I want the duck.
I want a duck for ages.
But the point this story is getting to is that two things happened.
So basically when we were buying Bluebell, this thing happened, which is this woman,
she was ex-military.
She was basically running a kind of illegal mercenary British
short hair army as far as we could tell.
Is it a militia? Feline militia?
A feline militia. And I think a lot of it's described as you
know, yes, they're off to do some security work. Yeah,
protecting a gold mine in Nigeria, whatever, but we know
that they're they're they're organizing a coup. It's gonna
short hair based coup. Basically, I don't
know, Mike, when you bought Pam, you can tell us in a sec, but there was a sense that we've
got to please this woman or she won't let us buy Bluebell, because we'd seen Bluebell
as a kitten. It's the cutest thing ever. But but we had to kind of go through these we
had to jump through a series of hopes essentially, in terms of like saying
the right thing, letting her give us the tour of the bits where the short hairs are attacking
the sort of effigies of people tearing them to shreds. And we had to kind of keep her
happy. She kept us very much like it wasn't clear, are we going to get to get bloobable
or not? It wasn't just like buying a cattle, nor should it be,
but still there was a sense that... I think it should be more that buying cattle should be more like buying Bluebell. I think you're right. I think in John Lewis, they should keep on a
leash a bit. See if you're right for this cattle, you're going to just scale it regularly. We were
pre-checked. So it was all business when we... It was in South Wales, we got a pound from Calbridge.
So it was all business when we was in South Wales. We got paid from Calbridge. Okay.
So it was very much pre-checked beforehand that we were the right sort.
How did they do that?
By some Form MIS6 people.
Form MIS6 mostly and a little bit of NSA, that kind of stuff.
And it's mostly, it's all about, is anyone about all that kind of stuff?
Are you actually going to be able to look after this?
Are you going to be there?
I was quite searching questions about your schedule and your work and all that kind of
stuff.
Which again, I've got plenty of time for that's fine.
Because we were in lockdown as well.
So there are lots of people who bought dogs and then like, oh, shit, we've got to go back
into the office and go and get the dog.
Right.
So that was all done ahead of time.
So when we got there, he was very much all business.
And we saw Pam's father first, who was, I would say,
roughly the size of four Hyundai i10s.
And we panicked, really.
But he was enormous, to the point where we thought
we'd made an enormous mistake.
He's nowhere we can look after this dog.
And then out trotted.
Pam's mother and Tiny Pam, We're like, we're okay. We can be fine. So for you Henry, it was
more like, can this person is this person worthy of the bloodline? Yeah, there was no there was no
power play thing going on between us and the breeder. There was all kinds of power play.
And there was also things like, will he be okay if blue belt has to disappear for six months to, you know, to, to go to the royal Congress, for example.
Yeah. Will you, will you be okay to transport blue belt to Vienna for ball season once a
year? And can you make sure that she keeps a Spanish up because a regime change season is coming
up in about six months and she will need to go to Latin America.
The Duke of Cordoba is in heat.
And of course all the different waltzes and stuff that the blue has to has to be able
to do at these events.
Otherwise, you know, it'll bring shame on her own bloodline if she can't teach her to
waltz. But also she has to be
very good at highly trained in portable combat.
Portable combat is when you're carrying two other creatures that are having a fight.
She was very, so there were two things, there were two things she asked and I made a mistake
on both of them because we were trying to just, it was this like sort of minefield of
answering the right questions right so that she'll let us have bluebell. One of them was
do you think you'll ever intend to show her? Do you know what that means?
Well, take it to a cat show. Right.
So take it to cat shows.
Right.
For some reason, I made a really bad mistake in terms of-
Well, what's the right answer?
Exactly. It was a difficult one. It was like these riddles and things like what's the right
thing to say? And I went, maybe. It turned out was a mistake. I should have said no.
Because I said maybe it launched her into a huge chunk of extra admin and details. And
I think she wasn't keen for us to show her if we did show her, it had to be under certain
segments. Of course we were never going to show Bluebell. I wasn't going to suddenly
become someone that wants to parade a cat around cat shows.
But I thought if I said no, that she might be offended or something.
And that is a bit like marrying a tsarina, isn't it? It is quite similar. Are you going to take her
to the great balls of Europe? Whatever. Maybe. Maybe.
Maybe. Maybe.
So, and then the other thing was to do with getting Bluebell's, you know, unfortunately,
yeah.
Yeah, it was getting a spade.
Is it spade?
Is that the phrase?
Spade, yeah.
Yeah.
So that was very important.
And again, was it a, are you going to get her spade?
And you didn't know what the answer was. Well, I, and I went for, well, half. But I think I've prevaricated around spade as well
because I wasn't sure what she wanted us to say.
She wanted the bloodline to end. She wanted to be in control of the bloodline.
Yeah.
And I'm not joking. This is word for word. She said this phrase that's never left me and never will to the day I die. She said, when I die, my bloodlines die with me.
Can you imagine?
Wow.
You don't get that when you buy a cattle. When I die, my bloodlines die with me.
When Morphy Richards dies.
That's bananas.
It absolutely is, banana souffle, isn't it?
Also because it makes it sound as if she has a plan for that to be insured should she die
unexpectedly.
Oh yeah.
It's rigged in some way.
Graham down the road has the code.
He has the code. He has the code.
Yeah. Or if she doesn't, if she doesn't punch in the code once every 24 hours at a certain time.
Then all the short heirs are instructed to kill their owners and they have a,
and ironically she shows you, she tours you around where they're being trained to do just that.
And as soon as she's dying.
They kill their owners before turning the claws on themselves.
Yeah. They've all got a little brain, little implant thing.
Yeah. It's kind of a manchurian candidate thing. They can be activated.
Manchurian candidate thing.
They've got a cyanide tipped tail or anus that they can bite into.
And of course, probably no coincidence that Bluebell has had anal gland issues, which
means, you know,
It's the capsule.
That'll be the capsule.
Causing a bit of inflammation.
And if that doesn't work, they're also trained to use, or even most sparsely populated utensils
draw, they can kill you, they can kill you with a cheese grater, they can kill you with
most types of garlic crusher.
You just have to hope you don't get the whisk.
You just have to hope you don't get the bloody. You just hope you don't get the bloody whisk.
Cause they'll do it.
It'll just take a while.
Cause they'll do it.
They will meringue you.
And they know when they're done, when they can lift the bowl up above their
head and no bits of you flop out.
You're just a creamy dead peak.
And actually a short hair standing next to a creamy dead peak.
It looks absolutely lovely on Instagram. We'll actually to a creamy dead peak. It looks absolutely lovely
on Instagram.
I should get a lot of hits.
Wow. When I die the bloodlines. So when I die my bloodlines die with me and you get
a certificate. I don't know if it's the same with when you got Pam, but you get a certificate
which is like looking at the family tree of the Habsburgs.
Oh, really?
You get this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It goes back generations.
Proper provenance time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You get all the provenance.
So, yeah.
And it's basically, it's basically sort of guaranteeing the maximum amount of, of,
of inbreeding possible, isn't it?
That's going, going back to the very first cat, the cat that killed the
serpent in the garden of Eden.
The cat that killed the serpent in the garden of Eden. Now Chaps, can I raise a true Pompadou?
Please, Pompadou it mate.
And why don't we use a Pompadou jingle that someone sent in?
Yes please.
This is from Micabelle from Canada.
Why is it called Pompadou?
Because in the Pompadou Centre you can see the tubes.
You can see the tubes. This is from Micabelle from Canada. Again, very 90s Bristol, I think.
Yeah, yeah, long fade out. Very 90s, long fade out. Enjoyed that though.
Yeah.
Micah also writes, if you read this out on the show, please pass on the message to my
wife that I think she's cute.
He's not sure.
I thought that was sweet.
Oh, that's very lovely.
I mean, you sent it in eight months ago, so anything could have happened since then.
So my Pompidou is, I mean, we fucked it, right?
I mean, yeah, we've totally fucked it.
This is the final episode of Three Bean Salad.
Apologies everyone.
There was always a risk this would happen.
It's our iceberg, isn't it?
We've hit it.
But there is no banter concealed underneath.
There is no banter concealed underneath.
What you see is what you get.
The whole project was hubristic, let's face it.
So basically we haven't yet got onto the topic from the bean machine, but I don't think we've
got time to do that.
So what do we call this episode?
I've got a suggestion. Yeah. Which is that we retroactively make the topic blue bell
or something or pull the wool over the eyes of the listener. Exactly. I'm talking about corruption, the sweet, sweet smell of moral decay.
And you know, the way a man goes when it's gone off, it's really nice.
Yeah.
Like that.
But if he goes off too much, it's no longer really nice.
It's really horrific.
Yeah.
So, um, thin end of the wedge.
So where does this end? It's
it's counts on the table time. Isn't it really? But this has
happened before. There is a precedent for this. Yeah, we
could just call it accidental Bluebell episode. Yeah. But
but should we put something in about it? No, we just keep this
bit in where we've had this conversation to explain it.
Yeah, it's a pompadou. It's an old fashioned. The whole
episode of pompadou. We can always call the episode pom-pidoo or bluebell.
Blooby-doo.
Cloche bleu. Cloche bleu in honour of the brilliant French jingle.
We call it cloche bleu.
Cloche bleu.
Okay, now time to read your emails. We'll play a version of our email jingle sent in
by Gentori.
Thank you Gentori.
He sent quite a confusing email. He writes, I'm now running a covert gorilla jingle operation
from deep within the dense foliage of Mike's dense mustaches.
Okay.
That's what it's been like.
I knew something was going on.
You were saying there was a lot of noise coming out of it. I was putting a lot of flea powder down but it wasn't working. Wasn't
doing it. No surprise now is there? And you gave it a vinegar rinse didn't you? I did yeah,
that's not going to shift a jinglist is it? Anyway here we go. I'm sorry. Just some more jet We're really getting through the jungle jingle backlog. Oh my god. It's in a so jungle all
the way isn't it?
Very 90s vibes all the way around. So disturbing.
I mean, very, very good.
Very well put together.
Beginning of that, I was just, I was like a 90s cinema vibes.
I was with the sort of radio going through the channels.
Yeah.
It was very, it reminded me of this.
Was it Afex Twin or Prodigy?
The videos were incredibly disturbing a lot of the time.
Afex particularly, yeah.
Those music videos were like deeply, deeply distressing.
Why was that happening in the 90s?
Was it because politically things were quite stable?
Yeah, everything was going well.
Clinton was in the White House.
Clinton was in the White House.
The Cold War was over.
History was over, some people thought.
Yeah.
And the world was at peace, if you forget
about Yugoslavia and lots of other places. Quite a few other places.
I think Oasis visiting Downing Street was seen, wasn't it? Certainly by Francis Fukuyama
at the end of history. Because once the Gallagher brothers are eating your little salmon rolls
and stuff. Even the Gallagher, they're hovering, they're hovering around the political
centrist parties of the day.
Yeah.
But once you've got a Gallagher brother going, you know, tell me what you say,
what you like about Jim Lee Blair.
There's a nice bit of dill on this little salmon little, it's a nice little
bit of dill on this splenie, isn't it?
I'll, I'll just have the box first because I'm driving later thanks.
That's the end of history isn't it once that's happened.
Let's listen to Jungle.
Let's listen to Jungle.
Whereas now that everything's terrible.
We need smooth, gentle, haunting ballads.
The music is all ukulele.
I like your face, you like my face. everyone's got a face and a nice face too.
Isn't it? Is that music now?
I don't know what music is like now. How would you characterise music these days?
I don't know what music is like now.
There's a lot of singer-songwriters, soloists, aren't there, just kind of
I don't know what music is like now. There's a lot of singer-songwriters, soloists,
aren't there, just kind of singing love ballads
and it's all very melodic and pleasant and...
Is it all quite melodic at night?
Is that what it is?
Well, unless that's just what I'm getting fired at me.
When you have two teenage daughters,
so there's probably fairly skewed.
It's not, I'm not getting hit with
sort of deeply challenging stuff with rhythms
that will trigger an IBS attack or anything like that.
It's all quite palatable.
It's ironic that the people who created that music are now of an age where listening to
it is very, very likely to trigger a whole series of health problems, isn't it?
We do live in a strange world because the other day, or last year, I was listening to
Radio 2 and it was like drive time on Radio Radio 2 so it was all very cheerful and whatever.
A granny rang in, oh hello, thank you, I'm pleased to be on the radio.
And they said, oh and what's your request?
And she went, fire starter by the prodigy.
It was a simpler time!
You know, you could buy ecstasy tablets for 15 quid
and good ones. You know what I mean? It wasn't the same.
I met my husband in a mosh pit.
Yeah!
We'd be at the living shish out of a 15 year old from Scunthorpe together
and we've just been together ever since.
You knew where you stood. You could buy a pair of cargo pants for what? 25 pounds? living shit out of a 15 year old from Sconsort together and we've just been together ever since.
You knew where you stood, you could buy a pair of cargo pants for what? 25 pounds, you
had enough pockets for your ecstasy pocket, you had your acid tabs pocket.
Your spare DMs in your pockets.
Not like now.
You can't get global hyper colour now can you? That's the problem these days.
I remember being on a dance floor in the 90s with a person who I
thought I knew who was a good friend, fairly sort of normal bloke. I looked at him, I thought
something's different about him. What is it? Oh yeah, he's wearing an adapted welding That sort of firing light out of his head.
Bloody weird.
But a great time for the whistle oligarchs.
My word, they've got to be the fortune.
It's true.
Whereas now they just have to rely on referees.
It's not enough.
It's not enough. It's not enough. It's not enough.
And the leisure centres.
Yeah.
Thank you, Gentori, for that.
Now, let's read some emails.
It's time for a Bollocking.
It's Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Uh oh.
Accessing Listener Bollocking.
Bollocking loading.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week.
Listener Bollocking of the Week. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Listener Bollocking of the Week. Listener Bollocking of the Week. This is from Josh from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, which is towards the southeast of Canada.
Correct!
I know that because I've worked it into my memory image.
I call it a mnemnemnemnemnemnemnemnemnionic,
but I think that's not right, is it?
Because that's a word...
Yes.
That's the words.
I actually can't remember what mnemonic means.
I thought it was just any memory, but maybe that was wrong.
Maybe it is a mnemnionic.
But so, just to recap that it's still working,
little mnemonic recap,
I was gonna say Terry Butcher, he's got nothing to do with it, why is he coming to my head?
Hugh Bonneville is eating a Bourneville chocolate, it is being hacked away at by
Gene Hackman, whose trousers are down, his bottom is being branded by Kenneth Branagh,
on his back is a map of Canada, towards the bottom right is the territory of Nova Scotia.
And I've added one privately by the way in the last week to help me out.
Kenneth Branagh's left toe is stuck into a pot of Coleman's mustard being held by the
actress Olivia Coleman.
Whenever I can't remember something now, and I've got these serial things I can't remember,
I add them to my memory picture and you're free, feel free to make one of your own.
Well, we've had, let's move on to another email. We'll come back to Josh. This is from Eleanor.
She writes, I've got new mnemonic for Henry.
Ah, cool.
Oh, great.
Right. So she writes, dear beans, my friend's boyfriend lives in Maidenhead.
And I thought that was a long way away, but it turns out I was thinking of Maidstone.
I've created a mnemonic to remember
which is which. Maidenhead is Kent, Maidstone is close to home. Hang on.
It depends where you live. So, I mean, obviously it works for her.
I've not finished it. She says Maidenhead is in Kent, Maidstone is close to home and
it's the other way around.
That's the nightmare is when you have to have it's the other way around, work time during
mnemonic. That's why I still to this day and it will not to the day. I know how to spell
February because I know and we've talked about this before.
I think that's why she thinks it might appeal to you.
Yeah, because I know that it's about the R, but which way round it is about the R, I will
never know because it's impossible to remember once you've opened up the possibility
That it's one or the other do you sort of mean? Yeah, but I now have no confidence
Which is in Kent? No, and that's when mnemonics go wrong. It's very very dangerous
Because you can create a full
Permanent memory lacuna system whereby you'll never be able to remember something.
It's like a misinformation bomb, isn't it?
And so it's always a risk when you've got it worked into your memory aid that it's the
opposite. Try to not have that. Not try to not have it worked in that it's the opposite.
I think it's very important that we maintain the integrity of your brand, et cetera, mnemonic.
And I think we have to reject whatever
Elmer's tried to get involved with.
I think so, yeah.
That's not...
Because it would be like me having in my mnemonic that Hugh Bonneville is eating a dairy milk,
which is the opposite of a Bourneville in a way.
Careful, Henry.
Oh, again...
Yeah, you've got to be careful.
You've got to be careful because it doesn't work.
I would invite the listener to send in, if they want to augment the mnemonic, I think
they can, but they need to be very careful.
But it has to be things which I can't remember.
They can't be sticking things that they can't remember into my mnemonic, can they?
Because of course, Henry, you can remember where Maidstone is.
Well, I know it's closer than Maidenhead all the other way around. Anyway, back to Josh's email, which is listener body king of the week.
He says, hello beans, long time listener from Dartmouth and Nova Scotia.
He'd like to shout out Russell Zwicker for introducing him to the podcast.
Russell Zwicker who was recently in the bean lounge, I believe.
Ben basically said that Nova Scotia is known for crab fishermen.
Oh, crab crabbermen.
Crab crabbermen.
Yeah.
It is actually most well known for lobster fishermen.
That's embarrassing.
That is embarrassing, Ben.
But what is a lobster if not an imperial crab?
An imperial and elongated crab.
It's all the same thing, isn't it? That's so naive. Lobsters move on the X axis, don't they? And crabs on the Y axis, whatever.
Lobsters are front and back, front and back, aren't they? Crabs are side to side. That's
one difference.
So they can never look each other in the face.
They can never look each other in the face. It's a bit like chess, isn't it? They've got
their set moves.
Yeah, if you get a Bishop lobster, they can go daggily.
But it's very, very hard to ordain a lobster because it's very hard to get them to turn up
to the ceremony because they dry out, they dry out fast.
Well, we know they dry out fast because that's why they're so expensive.
They're hard to transport.
There's a bloke said that on the internet once.
Yeah. Um, so Josh, I think that's a body can accept it. They're hard to transport. There's a bloke said that on the internet once. Yeah.
Um, so Josh, I think that's a bollocking accepted.
That's fair enough.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bollocking accepted.
And he did say, keep up the good work and sorry for the bollocking.
So he's doing it.
He's reluctantly bollocking, which I think is the right way to do it.
Yeah.
And just in terms of when the crustaceans rise up is, um, lobsters are the Admiralty,
of when the crustaceans rise up is lobsters are the Admiralty, crabs are your sort of cavalry and then prawns are the infantry, wave after wave of prawns at the front. And you mean that literally?
The crabs will be on horseback? I mean completely literally, they'll be on seahorseback.
Which is quite a sight if you've ever seen a crab riding a sea horse. It is intimidating.
Carrying a lance. Yeah.
Yeah. It's quite something.
And we've had an email from Chris from near Diamond Harbour.
Ooh. Play the jingle.
Play the song.
Diamonds in their eyes and diamonds in the sea
Come with us and meet the families of Diamond Harbour It's Chris from New Zealand. Kia ora beans. Kia ora Chris. Kia ora.
My last email was a very pissy missive about Henry eating on Mike in some Patreon content.
I apologise for that. I've not done it since, to be fair. That hit home. It was gross. I
apologise.
I have been through your back catalogue once more,
as it is a very pleasant background
while I do renovations and miscellaneous DIY tasks.
May I present a deep cut reply to some old content
from your glass episode?
Getting way back.
We're not digging up that.
We thought that we'd laid that to rest.
It's not about whether you can drink a glass of glass.
So, yeah.
That was Walter, wasn't it?
That was Walter. We've not heard from Walter for a while. Shout out to Walter. Yeah. Send us proof of life, Walter.
In the episode, Ben mentions that he once drank a pair cider and then shat himself.
But as we now know, that was actually probably the three scotch eggs, the
scotch egg smoothie you drank that morning. Yeah. You also mentioned you had some friends who used to drink pear cider and then see who
shat themselves first in a game of Russian roulette.
I also play a dangerous game, one I call McSpicy Roulette.
There is a McDonald's burger in New Zealand called the McSpicy, which is one of those
seasonal release limited time burgers they roll out once every year or two.
Whenever it comes out, I go and get one and every time I'm struck by intense diarrhoea, the same
all the next day. My partner noticed this, it is hard to hide when sharing a small house,
and quite reasonably asked why I would continue ordering this when it gives me diarrhoea every single time. Every single time so far, I responded.
People say the definition of madness, don't they? Is doing the same thing, expecting different
results. I actually don't think that is a good definition of madness though.
I think the better definition of madness is dressing up as Julius Caesar and going to
the pub and making everyone buy you drinks.
Unless you are Julius Caesar.
Yeah, fair enough.
Or you really, really think you are.
I mean, another one, for example, would be changing your name to Dr. Banana.
That sort of thing.
Do you know what I mean?
I feel that's more doing the same thing and expecting to get different results, just being
a bit silly or a bit stubborn or whatever.
Every time so far, I responded, but sometimes you've got to roll the dice.
One day my numbers will come up and I will win the game of McSpicy Roulette.
So at the moment, so he say basically he does a shit and it's a bit like, well, literally
shooting crap or being at a casino.
He does a shit and then he looks in the toilet and that's like
seeing what dice he's rolled. No. He's looking for it to be a solid.
Well, roll the dice. It's an odd interpretation of what seems pretty straightforward.
Okay. He says, my numbers will not come in. It is an unwinnable game, arguably not even a game.
However, I am now stubbornly dug in and see it as my duty to spin the wheel whenever the burg is available and to gently antagonise the life
of my life. I get two rounds of joy each time now, one when I announce that I'm going to
go and get a McSpicy and I either get an eye roll or an unintelligible frustrated noise
and one when I emerged from the toilet where
she gets genuinely frustrated and abuses me for giving myself diarrhea.
It's a hell of a picture isn't it?
Diamond harbour.
But this is why Romcoms end with the getting married not five years into the marriage,
isn't it?
You don't want to see Harry saying to Sally,
I bought some spicy again.
Yeah, Brito's giving me the squits again.
I've got a few comments to make here.
One is, I'm hoping that she's just taking his word on it, in which case he could just
lie to say he has done a solid.
But he's, he's delighting in antagonising his girlfriend, but he doesn't want to get
a solid. So what exactly is at stake in the casino? This is the situation. He is using
gambling metaphors. He's talking about spinning the wheel. Talking about roulette.
So I think he feels like he wins if he doesn't shit himself after
Mcspicy. But when he loses, he also wins because he enjoys antagonising his
girlfriend for some reason. So the house always wins? Yeah. Okay. Well,
everyone wins really, apart from his girlfriend, who I imagine will be
leaving him soon. I mean, or maybe if you are able to do this in the
relationship, it shows that the, you know, you are in the strongest of.
I don't know. Well, it's not a very heavily populated area, is it? I mean, Chris might
be the best that's going in that neck of the woods.
That's true. Well, I would like to hear, you know, Chris, maybe Chris's partner could give
her side of the story. I think I'd like to hear both sides.
Oh yeah, that would be interesting, wouldn't it? The other thing you could look into is
buying one of those fake plastic turds. I don't think if you throw that into the into the into the mix, does
that change things?
We're still in the bathroom having epic diarrhea isn't he? Where's that where's the plastic
turd going?
Where he could put that in the loo afterwards and say to her look I've done a solid.
Look I've blocked the toilet with a plastic turd. Shouldn't have flushed it. Shouldn't have flushed it, you feel?
Well thank you for that, Chris. That was repulsive.
That was really, really good. Yeah, great. Really enjoyed that.
Neil Emails, play the Neil jingle. This is quite a Neil heavy...
Play the Neil jingle? Yeah.
I mean, is it a jingle? I don't know. Yeah, I think it's a jingle. Play it.
It's a jingle. Good.
Of course it's a jingle player. It's a jingle. Good. Of course it's a jingle. Dear beans, I just want to bring this to your attention. Mallorca has something called the
Caves of Hams. Also, it appears you can buy a Dinosaur Land and Caves of Hams combined
ticket. All the best, Neil. Wow. Well, Neil, that was very well judged. Thank you.
Perfectly judged. One of our best ever emails. Let's go!
You inmates of the continent!
Let me hear you Bremen!
Does that ham look right to you? We'd normally now play the Patreon jingle that I made, but we're going to play a version
sent in by one of our listeners.
Excellent.
There's every chance it will be in the genre of jungle.
Let's assume so.
This is from P. They say, here is my version of the Patreon jingle using automaton.
Hmm. Don't know what that is. Presumably some sort of the Patreon jingle using Otamatone.
Oh, don't know what that is. Presumably some sort of keyboard that just spews out jungle. I'm that. I thought that was quite Dune in a weird way.
Oh, Tomynton, I looked it up. I've seen these before. They're those things that look like a
quaver. Oh, someone else also sent in a note, someone sent in one in the past.
Yes. Yeah, we've had it. Yeah.
It's like a little mouth that opens and closes.
Little synthy.
It looks like a... I thought you meant the crisp, the quaver.
I had to check it out. It's like a quaver from a musical notation.
Yeah.
Oh yeah. That was really cool. It was kind of futuristic and
a bit medieval like June, like the world of June. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. It was less
haunting than the usual Patreon one as well. Yeah, it was more laid back and a bit breezy.
It was nice. I really liked it. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who's been to patreon.com forward
slash three beans salad to sign up. If you want to get ad free episodes, if you want
to listen to our bonus episodes, and
if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean
Lounge where Mike was last night.
And it was the annual cricket match against the Indian national team, wasn't it?
It was.
Thank you, Ben, and here's my report.
It was the annual cricket match versus the Indian National team last night at the Sean
Bean Lounge. The Indian National A team were otherwise engaged, performing at Derby Corn
Exchange as high-end tribute band The Smashing Stumpkins. So an Indian National B team was
hastily assembled with a tranche of bean loungers who were taken to the Indian Consulate in
the Sean Bean Lounge Diplomatic Quarter Quarter where they renounced any active citizenships and were naturalised as citizens of
the Republic of India. Abbie Hiskey was declared team captain with Daniel Chappell behind the
wicket, Hawke on Shervin square leg, Nicola Allen front of house, Mark Woosie top loader,
Emak running midfield, Roger science and technology, Drew Peacock scoring and James Bullock on bass
saxophone.
Dan Gibbard won the toss and selected Going for Tee, that done with it was Jill Beaton
on the crease facing Ellie McTimoney with a piping hot googly from downwind.
Harley Francis was nutmegged on the 20 yard line, leaving Dan Heaford wide open to serve
an ace up the umpire's sleeve, so to speak.
Nicky Miller hit 6 but it wasn't clear 6 what until it later emerged that Matt Lilly, Joe Emson, Senor Elliott, Chris Walter, Artie Kibbe and Kev Johnson were all
missing. Having gotten away with it with Gigi Moo, Kate Saunders was caught out by Eleanor
and then caught up again by Holly Slattery. Hannah Bevis was awarded her fourth red card
this season for over-polishing the starboard side of Hilary Koh, causing her to over-swing
into the blind side of Matt Tyman. Maddy showed fast spinner Ross McDermott the hairy side of the bat leaving Barry Horson his orchestral
sauce with nothing to do but dust off those pom poms and dance. John Young declared early
but failed to do so in writing allowing Esma Harris to bounce him out of the dugout for
a golden goose. Meanwhile Max Stutis-Jeffrey was unable to get out of the changing room
loose owing to slippery mittens and Chris and Chas failed to show up in the proper kit and had to play in vest and pants.
On the fullback line, Lucy tried and failed to start a Mexican wave, Jimma Bell completed
an unprecedented six day streak on Duolingo and Nick was taken into witness protection.
And in the red corner, Stephanie Hutt choked out Tom Selby in the Frog Brothers, allowing
Alyssa, the worm, Thorne, all the time in the world-volley a hat trick into the back of the net. Touchdown!
Okay, that's the end of the show. We'll play out with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.
This is from Andy.
Thank you, Andy.
In North Bremen.
He says, I'm not a music man, but I've had a good go at it. Unfortunately, my dear old mother decided to
vacuum June recording. It shut off the dog. I've done
my best to remove these unsolicited noises from the mix, but you might still be able
to hear them if you listen closely.
Pink Floyd had that problem, didn't they? On Wish You Were Here. There's a brief bit
of vacuum in Dog You Can Find. It happens to the best of them.
Here we go.
Thank you, bye!
Thanks for listening, everyone. See you next time.
Cheerio, bye!
Bye! Thanks for listening everyone, see you next time. Cheerio, bye! You know what, I don't think the dog sounds that bad.
Quite a rhythmic dog. Yeah.
And the vac...
I think Lee made the right call to leave it in.