Three Bean Salad - Fairytales
Episode Date: December 27, 2023Emma has the beans discuss fairy tales for the last episode of 2023. It’s nasty business on the whole as anyone who has actually read an original fairy tale or had a fairy tale based upon their own ...life experiences will know. If you’re too busy to listen and are simply after this week’s take home message it’s probably that you ought to be very, very, very, very, very cautious about making any sort of bargain with a goblin/sorceress/folkloric twat.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comFind Crowleytime by today's email jingle maker here: https://crowleytom.com/crowley-timeGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Okay you two.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
This week we had our first ever Beans Christmas party.
We did, didn't we?
It's true.
I mean, if you were in the Fitzrovia area, you know, this week, you, you already know there
was the big spot.
Yeah, you know,
Oh, Mama.
Wow.
I could not know that one man could have that many nipples, Ben.
And I've never seen a police horse riding another police horse into a fire station.
Into a fire station and then getting into the fire engine.
Exactly. And I've also never seen a man just only delivering lines from Ghostbusters all night like was did.
Just committed the way committed to that.
The old social skills are a little rusty.
I'm admit.
Yeah, they are a bit.
Well, it's because of the new media age we live in.
It is, yeah.
So a panic has been the preceding 10 days, memorizing the scripts.
Yeah, that's right.
And just that was meant to be a backup, actually.
Yeah.
But then I opened with it.
That was my game.
You opened with it.
And then once you're committed to the,
couldn't stop.
Yeah.
And also stage directions as well that that was quite,
they were grueling, weren't they?
Yeah.
That was tough company.
I've got a bone to pick with one of you too about the Christian's party.
Yeah, okay.
So we had a nice time, we had a nice pub, we had the fire, we did, yeah, we were toasted
little nooks.
That's right, we had a fire crackling, we had a little warm nook, crackling fire, a shelf full of
books, wasn't it? It was on those pubs that had loads of books. Yeah, it's one of those pubs
that uses books as a kind of like decoration. I mean, nobody's meant to read it. It's sort of
Instagrammer book. Their book sort of in bulk. They've been internet business, I'm watch
sells books or pubs. They'll be called books or pubs. And the four, we're at a number four,
pubs will have a z on the end. Maybe three O's on books, just for a bit of fun.
We're gonna be called Booz for pubs, for no.
And it'll be run out of someone's garage
in the island of Man, right now.
And then we moved on to a curry place.
Oh boy, of course we did.
Of course we did.
And with the curry place, the vibe is obviously
we'll share the, shout the curries,
shout the rice, yeah. the rice over, yeah.
Everyone puts an order in.
And Henry ordered four prawns.
And for penny, and for a prawn,
I thought, in for 15 pounds,
and for it turns out four prawns.
And yeah, it was, I think it's one of those items
you put on the menu for Christmas divs like me.
Well, when you're in Fitzrovia in the very center of London, in December, that's the time
in the place for prawns, isn't it?
That's exactly.
You can't not have the prawns.
You can't not have the prawns.
Because there would have been freshly caught back more than I imagined.
Yeah, if Fitzrovia is a mere 150 miles from the sea. So you're getting the freshest.
The freshest Thames Estuary Perons.
I think a lot of them are actually been now.
It was a 4.5 on TripAdvisor restaurant.
But, okay.
What was it?
4.5.
Did you know that going in?
Yeah.
I checked it out, mate.
I didn't go into that checking out.
You want to know what the mob thinks.
They're not stars either, green, the globules. They're not stars either green, the globules. It was four four, it was four point five to provide the globules.
My class to go against the grain, look for something with two or two or fewer is now five
feet.
I like a dare.
I like to eat food in a place that's just about to turn it around.
Just to the moment the suits have come in and they're trying to shut things down.
That's when people raise their game.
That's when it gets interesting.
You want to go there in a place where you can actually hear Gordon Ramsay in the background
shouting at the staff and making them cry.
It's not good enough.
I want to be able to see my face in these prawns.
I want the salvation special.
That's what I want.
Yeah, for you, a 1 out of 5 hygiene rating coming in is a harbinger of greater things
to come in.
Exactly. Yeah, they've been at the bottom,
they're gonna make it to the top.
You don't want people that are just coasting along
at four stars, do you know what I mean?
But no, but four point five stars,
or globules, interview advisor,
well, and what that means to me
is those prawns actually would have been
fished from the sewers directly beneath the restaurant.
That's why I like to buy hand, caught by hand, handcourt, lightning, fast hand action.
Well, Mike was having ordering panic.
Mike didn't know where to look.
Because again, it's been a while since we've all socialized,
isn't it?
I don't get a lot of airings, general.
I was genuinely speaking in a sort of
curry house panic and I was at risk of doing
the classics or provincial middle age man thing of,
I've just basically ordering eight meals worth of food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stopped me from doing that and I was at risk of doing the classics or provincial middle-aged man thing of, I've just basically ordering eight meals worth of food.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he stopped me from doing that.
And I was grateful for that.
Were you gonna say, just connect this hose up
to some calmer?
Yeah.
And we'll still with the other end of it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'll just talk us through the library scene
from the beginning Ghostbusters,
which is a seminal moment.
Okay, go.
Okay, yeah, I'd like to apologise for the prawn order.
It was a mistake.
Ordering is obviously a bit stressful as an ingeneral,
because you don't want to make a mistake.
And so I had myself prawn curry lined up,
and then I suddenly thought, maybe it's not special enough,
it's the Christmas do.
Also, I discovered a separate section of the menu,
that's what it was.
Just as he was taking the orders, I flipped the page. There's a food side. Well, no
Because Paul that you're just gonna get a five-diet coke something that's right and a bowl of warmarga
And there's this thing it was called Tandori prawn sizzling special on a sizzle plate sort of thing
It's designed for basically running a restaurant, it's hard, it's hard business.
There was just ways of monetizing certain types of person, so there was Christmas div who
wants to get something a bit special or maybe an out of town who's going to impress you.
You wanted the presentation, you wanted the sizzle.
Oh, I wanted a bit of, a little bit of theatre, isn't it?
You get with the sizzle plate.
You know, when a sizzle plate comes through and other people in the restaurant, you sense them cuing. Anyway, I ordered a plate of tandoori prawns.
Sizzling prawns.
That was sizzling. Yeah, I ordered a plate of sizzling tandoori prawns. They just felt they had a
bit of pizzazz and a bit of wow about them as a dish, but often this is the way when the things turned up, you had two nice balls of warm,
sort of comforting and appetizing looking curry,
and I just had,
your meal was mostly steam as it turns out.
Yeah, yeah.
When the steam clear,
it was mainly steam and theater, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
It was mainly pizzazz, it was to the Emperor's New Prawns.
It was the Emperor's New Prawns.
It was pure wow factor.
And I love a bit of wow, but you can't,
it's nutrient poor, isn't it?
Wow.
You can't feed an army on wow.
You can't feed an army on wow.
It was like you saw carrying a dry ice machine
through the restaurant, wasn't it?
There was a lot of slightly pink colored steam coming off it.
And it felt like if I was Cindy Lorbrook,
it would have been ideal.
Did I mean?
Because you could have signed true colors to the bronze.
I could have signed true colors.
True colors shining through pink.
But also, there was a scam element to the whole restaurant, right?
Oh, really?
Interesting.
Well, when we got in there, we sat down
and what looked like normal-sized tables. As we sat at the table, we realized it was a tiny table and the chairs were tiny,
and everything was slightly smaller than a classic, a classic so-ho trick.
That was a strange, yeah. Everything was tiny in there. I didn't understand what the reason for
the optical illusion was particularly. Well, it's to fit more divs in, isn't it? You get more
people in, just div numbers, is it? You get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, you get, Just div numbers, is it? You get you get you maximize your div numbers and it looks like there's a space, but actually it's a tiny
doll's house. Exactly. And also you can set up small
portions. I see your problems looked bigger in that restaurant than they actually were.
Had to the tiny table, exactly. Yeah. Sure. They did look like quite hearty prawns,
didn't they? But they were probably just standard prawns. I think they were actually shrimps.
You also asked if they were going to be shells.
They said yes. That's right.
They weren't particularly were a bit.
They were semi-shelled.
I think the fact is they can't control what goes into the co-op frozen prawns bag.
I think that's what the Lucky gave me was saying.
Also, just so in case people are finding it hard to keep up with the prawn chat,
the prawn kingdom is divided by size,
much like the Tangerine Set Sumo world. So you start with King prawns, that's the equivalent of an orange,
you then go down to prawn, that's a Tangerine, it's then shrimp, that's a Sat Sumo.
Where's Clementine thinking?
Is that Langastine? A juvenile Lang Clementine? Is that the Lankistine? A juvenile Lankistine?
I don't like this thing.
Is juvenile Lankistine?
I don't know what all of us have to know.
It's a bit, they all work both ways.
Okay, it's handy.
Just a bit of helpful stuff there.
What's the tiger prawn?
That is a grilled lemon.
But you've got to get past to get to the rest of your shish, basically.
Exactly, yeah.
That's one of those kind of like ballast foods, a bit like the tomato and a fry up.
It's just sort of there for mainly for sort of keeping the plates evenly weighed.
So the satyr again, isn't it really?
And a bit of theatre, isn't it?
It's a prop.
Essentially it's a prop tomato, it's a prop lemon.
A lot of them are reused.
And actually made by the same people that made the diggers that go into the handle.
But the problem with the prawns was that they wouldn't have
been an issue except that we were ordering on a share basis.
We were ordered, because Ben, you'd said the words,
we'll just put everything in the middle and share it out,
right?
It was that greeted with...
So I was paying up for that.
I was up for that.
But I think what that meant was that the prawns, then,
your words, you know, you had to reap a bit of harvest
from those words.
Yes, it's a good...
The second Ben's Craw.
I was banged up for it.
It's been a common word, Ben, I'd like the sound of it.
And I was in a food panic.
I like the idea of the big options out there.
Well, I ordered what I always order,
which is the meal on the menu that takes the name of the restaurant.
Oh, so you did, yeah.
That's right.
Which the waiter likes, didn't he?
That went down quite well.
And I remember later on at three in the morning, Ben,
with you going into the restaurant saying,
I'll have the burger king, please.
No, how many times I had this?
I don't want the whop, I want the burger king.
Thank you.
That's what you do, isn't it?
Yeah.
I wanted the subway, please. The subway. Thank you. That's what you do, isn't it? Yeah.
I wanted the subway, please.
That way.
But I had a very nice time.
I don't want to suggest that the prawn fiasco, and that's what it was, an absolute fiasco.
It was a fiasco.
It was a fiasco.
It was a fandango, dressed as a fiasco.
Took away from my enjoyment of the evening, which was a delight.
But the look on your face when you saw the prawns, Ben was because you were thinking you'd, you'd done the maths clearly, which is we, we
order three curries, we split them all by a third. Yeah, bobs your uncle. We all order
roughly in, you know, if you order a slightly more expensive one, you profit in the long
one because you're all playing the same amount, but you eat one third of it potentially,
or if you get extra chicken junk, or you sort of spread the, the, the costs. So but you eat one third of it potentially, or if you get an extra chicken
chunk, or you sort of spread the costs. So if you go big, you're actually saving two-thirds
in a way. That's right. And it's a lovely Christmasy feeling of slightly doing over your
colleagues, you just get a little cinnamon rush with that, just a little extra spice,
isn't it? Just a ring them out a little right at the end, if you can. Yeah, especially if this one there who's not drinking alcohol,
where you can really screw someone who's been the dog.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just you wait.
Whereas you then, when my dish turned up,
I can see your face, you're looking at going,
I'm going to have to have a third of four prawns.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. But luckily, you know, the way they left the, the tail,
carapace, the tail armour, the, what is the sting? It's the prawn sting. Yeah.
The scorpion and the, the, the arse scabbard. I think it's the arse scabbard.
The way they left the arse scabbard on each prawn and actually that ended up being a really good
way of when it came to, I'm not going to say we fell out over it, but there was a there was some pretty well micate my askabard. Yeah
Because we were doing them we were doing the art the askabard maths was the end of the night
We were trying to work out the places one prawn spec. We were trying to work out who's prawn who'd had enough prawn
You know and that's the good thing one prawn spec, we're trying to work out who's prawn, who'd had enough prawn, you know, and that's a good thing about prawns, especially when they're asking.
You're trying to use them like scouts, when you're trying to use them to work out where,
where the prawns had last been, who had conquered, who'd vanquished these prawns.
Yeah, exactly, important evidence. But Mike had swallowed,
who'd been entire askabird.
Mm-hmm, whole. Yeah, like a sea goat.
Wait, it's not one, not. Yeah.
Are you one of those people, Mike, that eats apples with all the pips and everything?
I think you know, I mean, we're in a restaurant, right?
If you're in a restaurant, surely the rule is if it's in a restaurant is headable, right?
Yeah. So, you know, that's why you wait for the candle, isn't it?
Yeah, you shouldn't, you shouldn't put it in a restaurant with this no headable.
And the car machine.
And the way it is trousers.
All right. Yeah.
Is this a tasset agreement? It's called a rest
dough ronde, not a rest not edible.
Anyway, then after the meal, what I don't think you know, Mike, is that I tried to get
an Uber back to where I was staying. Did you know? Back to the safety of the suburbs? Well, because it was a thing
It wasn't just late or it
Some tales need need need need on need not to be told
Put it this way I heard these words at one point. I'll have the spaghetti house, please. That's right. No the house
I don't know how you construct it, but then I wondered. Oh.
We were.
Well, yeah.
Well, yeah.
You're going to be getting an Uber, aren't you?
Woo-hoo.
When it's late enough that we're having to discuss whether or not, uh, whether or not
tubes still run around midnight, you're going to be getting an Uber, yeah.
Well, I missed, so I missed the last train.
Well, but Ben, Ben, you're skipping out a few bits here.
Okay. So sorry, I think I was doing a full post-mortem.
Well, I think I think they can, they can hear a little bit more about what went on that night.
I mean, it wasn't just us. What was it? The whole team was there.
Well, the writers and the, the orchestra, the writers, the script people, HR,
I think the orchestra accounts.
I mean, there was some crazy stuff going on.
HR, I think it's orchestra, accounts. I mean, there was some crazy stuff going on.
From the injury.
No.
Day from HR had to fire himself the following morning, didn't he?
We had to fire himself while we gave him the memo.
He took it, he took it right to me.
Pretty well.
Pretty well, doesn't it?
So as I was saying, I tried to get the last train home, Mike.
And I did that thing where I could touch it.
I did touch it.
But it was moving, but you can quite find it in yourself to Tom Cruise it.
That was it. I ran down the steps and the train was like,
it was stationary at that point. I ran out to it.
I started hammering the button, the open door button happened, is it?
And then the open door button just started moving to the left very slowly.
The crew, that's part of the cruelty
of modern technology, isn't it?
And essentially, it's a version
of the touchscreen universe,
which is because we've de-mechanical,
we've de-mechanical, because we've gone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We, that's still the old Christmas party in the day.
Because we've de-mechanical, yeah. Because we've de-mechanicalized it.
There was a time when, as the train pulls out, and I remember this, as the train pulls out,
you're basically still fine.
You can still kiss goodbye to your short time sweetheart.
It's still got a little special handy doors that will, when the train's built up some speed,
will gently forehand someone off the platform when they're not paying attention. Yeah.
Exactly. You could run up and you could stick your hand in and there was just waves.
If it was just slightly moving, that wasn't a big deal. As far as I was going, I was still,
buying myself a couple of backup fasties and tipping you know, tipping the bell boy and stuff, you know what I mean?
And in fact, I remember a school trip to Paris.
It's like the latest, a human being can ever be for something, but still just make it.
It was like a mission impossible.
It was a sort of eight year old boy with his mother
charging through King's Cross to get me on the train.
Just very, very, very, very late.
And we got onto the platform and the train was basically
halfway up the platform and we ran and we ran and ran.
Obviously, everyone the teachers and everyone
were on the train and the kids completely convinced
that I'd missed it suddenly.
Yay!
Oh, no. Suddenly, it's speed up.
Do your mum have to throw you at the train?
Yeah, yeah.
So as your teacher scream at the train,
I'm like,
more coal, more coal!
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah.
So you're right, Mike, I did hear the sound.
Yay!
That was before they saw me running up next to the train.
I could hear the work, I was like, yay, it's the no Henry trip.
This is happening, the no Henry trip.
And then the sound of 20 children tipping marbles onto the platform in your path.
And the head of history, I don't know why he brought this with him,
but he actually had one of those barrels of hot oil,
or of siege of carls and seagirs.
He was pouring that onto the platform. Well, he's always trying to illustrate a point about a seagus, isn't he?
Exactly. He sees everything in the seagulls terms. But you got it. Was this the channel?
The underground? This is pre-channel. No, this is pre-channel.
I was going to say it. I kind of wish the channel. I'm trying to have those doors.
No, no. It must have been a train to dover or something, and then a crumman, but it was absolutely running up the platform
and opening the door, that's in motion, obviously receiving a volley
of punches to the sternum face, crotch and neck,
from the station staff.
Now that was from the head of French. And then a sort of incredible battle then took place between my mum and the head of French.
I was promised a weekend off he's coming to France with you.
Anyway, couldn't get the train, tried to get an Uber because it was Christmas party
again and there were no buzz going.
So I slapped on Henry's floor.
Did you really? Yeah. With sofa cushions, to be fair.
Yeah, with sofa cushions. No, it was good. Henry made a delicious Turkish flatbread and
taram masala to plateau, essentially. Lovely. Yeah. It's slightly...
But it's still a crazy night,, come on. Oh! Yeah.
I didn't know which side of that flatbread was the grilled side,
which was the side of the sesame seeds on which side.
Was the other side of the sesame seeds on.
So there he was, didn't it?
Oh, and I could barely get the fingers straight when I sliced it into
quite, you know, I sliced it into fingers for dipping.
Some of those fingers were a bit off-killed at Paiwa wonky.
Right, mate. Oh, man. It was actually my first teramus
laughter as well. Was it really?
Was it an evening? Yeah. Huge fan of the old teramus
laughter. Do you like teramumike?
Used to, used to regularly eat a teramus sandwich back in the day.
Did you? Talking way back here.
Oh, yeah. Teramike's a laughter. Yeah.
Probably. Oh, did my knee lose it?
Did that all days?
Did you, then?
Did you move past it?
Well, you get older and wiser and you do.
I've had big, big, deep phases of Terremus stuff.
I actually haven't had it for quite a while,
but it just felt right that night.
Me and Ben.
I think it means I haven't had it before is that I
can't think of a single thing more disgusting than a handful of fish eggs. Yes, and when it's
served that way, it is unappealing. It has been hard to market. Well, they tried to copy the
Kenco beans and the day in the 80s. They did. They were just shaking some fish eggs in their
hand and the cascading. There was the adels in there. It was quite sexy.
It was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was,
it was Jillian Anderson, I think.
It was Jillian Anderson and she'd knock on the door
and it was next on Aiba.
Played by, of course, like Aiba's.
Nice right?
Ava's.
Ava, Ava.
Sleek, glossy hair,
supple,
yet firm, muscular,
Take me to the Louvre, slender biceps, pure thoroughbred.
Nigel Hayvers, equine tail, shins of aladaster,
Soap and monogrammed luggage, and the next strength of a hyena.
Nigel, he's a luxury prince.
And she was like, sorry, I've just moved in.
And I haven't got any fish eggs.
I haven't got any fish eggs, but I'm entertaining the Turkish...
Someone is very high up in the Turkish Embassy.
A window cleaner.
And a window cleaner.
Oh, Mike.
Yeah.
But you have to presuppose that they've only got a window at the top floor.
Which is unlikely.
So it doesn't work at all.
I still like it.
And then Nigel Haver's, what?
Fantastic scene.
He's like, well, you know what?
I haven't got any fish eggs, but I do have to mature live female cod.
They've just come into heat. They've just come into heat. We've been
playing backgammon. We're going to have a bit of an evening together. Of course, it was
the 80s. You could do this kind of thing. But as long as we have it, they've just begun
spurting row in the lounge. And in fact, you could see, if you look down, I've actually got some of the bright pink
jelly-like overview eye on my loafers.
Yes.
And yes, that was a euphemism.
But you have to work on it.
And he shakes it up in his hand and turned it to a creamy, bright, pink paste, smushes it into the palm of Julian's hand
and where she goes.
And that's very much chapter one, isn't it?
Well, it ran and ran, it's over.
It's a big will they won't make.
It ran and ran.
Will Nigel leave behind the two mature female coddons,
get together with Julian?
Can they find a way to make it work altogether, you know?
The mature female cod would play it played by Andy McDowell and Dame Rudkahauer at a random Dame Rudkahauer.
Thank you to everyone who has added a topic to the B-machine at enterthebimachine.boats.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Now let's turn on the beam machine and see what this week's topic, sent in by Emma.
Thank you, Emma.
Thank you, Emma.
Thanks, Emma.
Is fairy tales. Oh, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do,
Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dob, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dobby do, Dob, Like a sheet. What is the name of Rampol Steltzkin? It's in the title of the book.
Rampol Steltzkin.
Rampol Steltzkin.
Rampol Steltzkin.
These swordies are ostensibly for children, but they're freaky as hell.
You will dream of them and cry.
You will piss yourself at night.
Ha ha ha ha.
If you don't, it won't really matter because Sven, the boy with daggers for ears, will
headbutt you.
Ha ha ha. really matter because it's been the boy with daggers for ears, with headbutt you. And his mother,
the owl, with feet for eyes. And so the brothers grim journeyed the land harvesting stories from
poor folk of land. Those, some of the poor folk told them some absolute twaddle and they put it
in the book and it straightens it. Now everybody reads them,
they read their children. So who are the main ones? Brothers Grimm, as you mentioned, is there
another one? Is Hans Christianson, is he a different person? He's a different person, but
it's very much in the same, same gang. I feel like he made them up more though, did he?
Hans Christian, oh my god. I feel like the Brothers Grimm stories are all things that happened to them.
Yes, yes, yes, it's all on one by a guy.
Absolutely crazy bachelor week.
What's it?
What's it called?
The Tarama Salata Weekend.
It's the first time either of them
that ever tried Tarama Salata.
I think it went absolutely Google brain.
So which ones are which?
Who's the best one between Hans Christianston
and Brothers Grimm?
Oh, I think Anderson is little mermaid.
Yes, he is, yeah, that's right.
That's a Disney, that's a Disney classic.
So Disney classic, there's got its own
bronze statue and a Copenhagen harbor though, right?
Yeah, right, exactly.
But every Disney classic is based
on an absolutely horrific blood curgly story.
So in the original, she'll like be decapitated by a crab.
Her soul will have been torn asunder.
And her row collected every morning.
That's right.
To make Teremas Lata for the king.
Then the king's son will have seen the king eat in Teremas Lata.
He would have thought, oh, that's quite nice.
Gone to get him some and fall in love with the princess.
He'll fall on the spike and die.
There's a lot more, I think in the original sources,
there's a lot more needless deaths.
So I don't really set up.
They're not seated anyway, just what happens.
Yeah, exactly.
So down the stairs onto a bat trap.
There was dead.
You just move on to the next bit of the story.
But I think that's why they're particularly blood curling
and really frightening to read because they're not like you know
like obviously the Disney version has been formed by you know sort of story theory and you know
there'll be an evil genius with a frozen head. Yeah. Well precisely. But you know that evil genius with a frozen head
has worked out that the rhythms of a story and you know when you meet the old timey eel who wears one patent
shoe with his bottom half stuck into it and does tap dancing and sings a helpful song
or whatever, but whatever those you know I can't do it because I'm not Disney.
But whereas the fairy tales, and as you say, they have that kind of like anything can happen
at any point, so it's terrifying because there's no logic to the story and it's not been
calculated to please the masses,
like Disney stories have been.
You know what I mean?
To be alive can't be that cheap.
If it's gonna be a 10-pulse mash-it, right?
Can't be that cheap as it would have been
in the Bavarian forests of beauty, century.
Europe, exactly.
So I'm looking at a list of which ones are written by which.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna say it, the brothers' grim shit all over Hans Christian Hanson.
Whoa, you're pretty prolific, right?
So Hans Christian Hanson, his most famous ones are the little mermaid.
Banger.
Who can forget the nightingale?
Me.
Yeah, and most of all, listen to that.
I don't know what that is.
No, I don't have them there.
The steadfast tin soldier.
Yeah, that's quite a boring one, isn't it? I don't know what that is. No, I don't have them there. The steadfast tin soldier?
Yeah, that's quite a boring one, isn't it?
He's going to have to incredibly steadfast. That's been entertaining.
I mean, now stead.
But almost the more steadfast you make and the less entertaining it is.
Yeah, so the brother's Grimm did get this.
This is smash after smash after smash.
Yeah.
Cinderella.
Boom.
Huge.
That's the Bohemian Rhapsody really of. Cinderella. Boom. That's the behemian rhapsody we're the obvious.
In the original, so the version we know is Cinderella is a woman who has ugly sisters
who are nasty to her, make, do a lot of housework, falls in love with the prince, glass
lipper. Obviously in the original version, she's a maiden who is out collecting corn and
an owl choose a neck off. At the same at the same time in the land, there's a young rogue prince
who is literally collecting the feet of young people
of either gender to try and make what he describes
as the ultimate wagon wheel, which is an entire wheel made
of human feet, to transport him and the puppet of a heron
that he was planning to marry down into the frozen wastes of the
Arctic.
The heron can only lie, it cannot tell the truth.
And if you ask it to tell a lie, please, your head becomes infested with a cross between
a termite, a wasp, and an elephant, and an elephant. And then a white old woman appears and cuts your ass off.
So again, the originals, a slightly Disney took what he wanted, didn't he?
Well, Cinderella's original name in German is Ashend Puttle.
That's right. It means your ass has been cut off.
Oh, they also did.
Hansel and Gretel.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Stone cold classic.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
The Simon and Garfunkel of freight has only a Hansel Gretel.
Yeah.
The Bonn and Jovi of the other.
The other Bonn and Jovi.
Yeah.
If you have some unplugged at Hyde Park as well, they were absolutely superb.
When they bundled that old one into an oven
in front of everyone and had a fire.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Or these days of course you put it in a bundle
and it's an air fryer wouldn't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, but Hanson and Greta,
what I get to just to summarize,
that hasn't been sanitized really.
There's no, that's sort of just horrific.
Well, that's why it's never been
a Hanson and Greta Disney film,
have they?
No, it's not, it's not worked out a way to sanitize it.
Are they the two that?
They're the two who went into the forest
to look for women who chose to live unconventionally.
That's right.
So it's to shame them.
Still going to witch hands.
It's to shame and bake them.
As a warning.
It's a shame and bake.
That was known as a shame and bake story.
Because that was the original title.
Is anyone that lives in a house made of sweets?
Yes.
That's what Hanson and Gretel claim when they come out with their hands caked in dry
blood.
Oh, I see.
So you're not taking Hanson and Gretel's story at face value, right?
No, yeah.
The sweets, no one had found any trace of the sweets and they claimed that they were
written by, yeah, sweet twist wolves.
And that's why the sweets atater house is gone, but actually they just encode blood, murdered, and no bloody.
Yeah. For being different, murdered, exangulated there, and then put on an honest low roast
with some shallots and diced carrots. By the way, if you ever do find yourself in that situation,
consider using three bean salad, jambalaya seasoning.
Especially that one, it's a Christmas time. And that one, it using three-been salad, jambalaya seasoning. LAUGHTER Especially that one, to Christmas time.
And that one, to Christmas, when you start feeling that swampy,
creole, new Orleans feeling.
Simply blow it down a trombone onto any food.
LAUGHTER
BUZZER
Is Hans the Gratula one where one of them
is leaving a trail of bread so they know
where to go back to.
Yes, and it's eaten by mechanical wolves.
You know, it's pecked, isn't it?
The birds, can I say, birds, are the birds on your side in these birds?
Yeah.
And then now it's on your side.
Birds and pecking, or is it not going to help, they never do your favor today?
Whereas obviously Disney turned completely,
turned that on its head by telling birds
into these things that like sing
and help you do housework and stuff.
Don't they?
It's no-wide.
It's very rare that the birds peck out anyone's eyes
in a Disney film.
It's incredible isn't it?
I think like the animal kingdom is turned
into a completely sort of different set of things
in Disney, because in fairy tales, it's wolves.
Mechanical or not, they're going
to strip you of your innards fast, and they're going to jambalair it. They're going to
jambalair it out. Whereas obviously in Disney, the animal kingdom are totally on your side,
aren't they? When you're, they're going to come around, they're going to sing, they're
going to be soft, soft, floppy bunnies. Yeah, you've got to watch the Valtras a bit,
Evan, you've got to watch the Valtras a bit, but they're just a bit cheeky.
Watch the Valtras, they're not too much freaky.
They don't think bad.
And evil uncle Scar.
Yeah, he's the exception, isn't he?
That's true.
Jeremy Ions?
Yep.
Sorry I'm pissing in a car park. Ha can't remember, we definitely bleeped it.
There's a little Christmas Easter egg for you. Little Christmas Easter egg.
Okay, so next, little wed riding hood.
Yeah, another.
So here we go.
Bang, bang, bang.
Another old lady, death, I think.
Well, he eats the granny gets the grandmother, right?
Yeah, and I think there are sanitized versions
where the hunter manages to fish slice open the wolf.
Yeah, fish the granny out again, but I have a feeling in the original that she's done for pretty much.
And then marry her.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, with a pelt wedding ring.
Yes.
And a dress of shiny wolf viscera.
We don't need a buffet. We can just eat bits of dead wolf.
Yeah, it wasn't.
It would have been a wasteful time.
You're not going to, yeah, you're not sling that in the bin.
Are there any morals to these stories?
I think the morals are generally like,
do as you, do as you bloody told, right?
I say don't go into, it's don't go into the woods, right?
Yeah, okay.
Just stay where you are, sit down,
just shut up.
Okay, otherwise you will get eaten by a wolf
or torn the pieces by a witch or bake
so whatever it may be.
Do your weaving.
Yeah.
Eat your greens and do your weaving.
[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪
My favorite, I think,
because it always freaks me out as a kid some reason, is Rumpall
Stilt's skin.
Yeah, that's really weird.
Because what or who is he?
I know.
And how do you say, Skine?
Is it Skino skin?
What's Skine?
Well, isn't that what he does?
Isn't he, he's a sort of magical weird goblin guy who can, he can weave us a Skine of
wholl in a single night.
Right, because isn't it a princess
who's gonna get like this,
has got a horrible prince who's gonna,
husband or who's gonna kill her?
Is it unless she can do lots of weaving?
I think she's managed to bag a prince by saying,
hey, get married to me, I can weave a sky ring of wool
in a night and he's gone brilliant.
Let's get married.
But if it turns out you're lying, then I'm going to kill you.
Isn't her dad claimed?
In order to marry her off, her dad said, she can turn straw into gold, I think.
That's it, yes.
Is it straw into gold?
That's hard.
That's what I know anyway.
You can spin straw on a weaving machine and it turns its gold.
Oh, okay. And then unless she does sort of weaving machine and it turns its gold. Oh, yeah.
Okay.
And then unless she does it, she's just going to be murdered, makes it.
That makes it.
So it's a classic pushy parents thing, really.
So Hank, the father has said, he's trying to marry her off.
Yeah.
And he has falsified her marital UCAS form essentially.
Yeah.
It's like saying you're into jazz.
It's something we all sort of do anyway.
And she stepped out, but I'm just not into jazz. I couldn't name two different
types of jazz. I couldn't name that single saxophonist. Yeah. Yeah. If my life depended on it.
And by the time that it might darling. So he over promises that she can spin gold from gold
and from draw. So then what happens with Rumpel Stiltskin? He knows that this is going on. He appears magically because he just knows that he's summoned by trouble.
And he says, I'll do that for you.
But you have to, it doesn't make a big, there's some barcom and all the bargain is that
eventually she'll have to marry him or something instead.
Isn't it worse than that?
It's once you marry the king, I can sort of take your firstborn child.
Oh, right. That sounds, Yeah, that sounds about right and eat it
in the back bed. Yeah, I think it's getting a pie. Yeah, yeah, unless you guess my name. That's it. That's what it is. Yeah. Oh, that's it.
But it's there's a bit of a late debt let down and she guesses his name. I think by hanging outside his little hovel. Where he's singing?
She will never guess that my name is Rappel Stiltskin.
It's a really like for a super villain, it's a it's a real letdown.
Such a bad move. Also, what I do understand is right, she makes a deal, you can have my first
born child in return for doing this. He turns up and goes, I'll have the child then.
this. He turns up and goes, I'll have the child there. And then instead of just like making sure she goes through the deal, he goes, well, I will give you one way out if you guess
my name, but why? Yeah, it's not a masterclass in super villainry, is it?
But, no, but it is in masterclass in super villainry because that's how super villain's
work, isn't it? That's like the Bond villain, you know, going, I'll just tie you up here with this stretched out bit of chewing gum.
And see you later at the Megatron laser with sexy assistant rum.
Isn't it? Yeah. Oh, slamming James Bond there. It's quite good.
There's a boring middle section of the story, isn't there? Where she's just coming up with names,
she's just guessing names. David, David, Clive, Humphrey, Stephen, John, you know what, I should
have alpha besides, I'm going back to the beginning but I'm going to alpha advertise
now.
Aaron, Ardvark, Brad, Barbaran, Bradvark, really lags in that middle bit, doesn't it?
So yeah, she gets his name because she, as Mike says, here's him, yeah, seeing his
Mary, my rough, stillskin song.
The bit that really freaked me out and the bit I remember the most is when he, she gets
it right, he's so annoyed.
Yes.
That he bangs his foot through the floor and he gets stuck.
And now I was just looking up to see like what happens then.
So in the Brothers Grimm version, in his rage, he drove his right foot so fine to the ground
that it sank up to his waist. Then in a passion, he seized the left foot with both hands and tore himself into. LAUGHTER You're not getting that on the Disney Channel mate, are you?
That's quite the mic drop on out, though, isn't it?
That's amazing.
That is absolutely terrifying and blood-curdling.
Yeah. I'm remembering now that I did find Rumble Stiltskin
particularly frightening. There was a ladybird book of it, which I think had him on the front cover. And I think in they portrayed him as a
sort of gesture sort of looking type. But it's presumably quite gnauld and wauty, right?
A gnauld, horrible gnauld, wauty little. But he had that real goblin energy.
I like Erampel's Ded til skin dancing up and down.
I live for mischief and mischief alone.
Be my bride and I'll take you down to the goblin kingdom.
Spoiler alert, it's a fucking shit hole.
What's he driven by? That's the thing I know what's right.
But that's what's so terrifying because there isn't a logic. You know what it is.
And by the way, thank you for joining me here at London South Bank for my talk on Fairy Tales.
What it's about, Ben, is Dream Logic. Hi, I'm Henry Packard.
And you are on the end, Tom.
It's the Fairy tale zone. No, but it's dream logic, isn't it?
It doesn't have that.
It doesn't really make sense.
And that's partly why it's so terrifying.
Like when one is in the cold clutches of a dream,
or a nightmare, and you can't wake up.
But the thing which weirdly, I've absolutely terrified me
about Rumpel's dill skin was just that name.
Like I remember like
wrestling struggling like like how?
But how can something be called
Rumpel stiltskin is such a horrifying name. You know what I mean? It's a brilliant, it's a brilliantly chosen name because it's so
grotesque. Do you mean?
Rumpel stiltskin
because like it's a bit like Norbert Dentress angle actually
It's like you know in terms of thick weird names, you had me at Rumpel. You didn't even have to go through with the stilt skin, but it's so overly
like... Of course there's a visual response.
Because in German, it's Rumpel's stilchchen, which means little Rumpel stills. But what's
the Rumpel stills? But I don't know what what a rumble stills is. Can I say, I think
for the sake of the bollacings that are coming? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to suggest that
I just read us the story, rumble stillskin. Okay, well because you think we've got it wrong?
Yeah, we're a little bit wrong. It's the topicics fairy tales. Let's hear a fairy tale. Okay, here is the story of Rumpelstiltskin.
In order to appear superior, a miller,
brags to the king and people of the kingdom he lives in,
by claiming his daughter can spin straw into gold.
Dickhead.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Oh, shiny talk slides. Guys, apparently he's got an art that can shit emerald as well.
Oh, typical.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Can you pass me that small wooden bowl full of them?
There are ye oldie equivalent of scampy fries.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Deep fried pig bolics.
Yeah.
You know what?
We can gamify this story a bit as well, which is every time you hear a classic fairy tale
trope, you can make the fairy tale noise, which is a distant gothic bell ringing.
And we can just break it down a bit and analyze it.
The kinkles for the girl locks her up in a tower and filled with straw and a spinning
wheel.
I was hoping that one of you was going to do that,
but no, because that only happens in this one story.
No, but the tower room.
Okay, having a tower room.
Yeah, right.
Here's one with a long hair.
Rapunzel.
Rapunzel.
She's in a tower, and classic tower.
She might be upstairs in a tower room.
Anyway, so the king locks her up and demands
she's been the straw into gold by morning, or he will have her killed.
Don't miss about.
Straight to it.
That's about.
He thinks I think that this Miller guy is the,
he's got the measure of the stick head.
Yeah.
Oh, nice.
And he's going to prove the guy's a dick head
by killing his daughter the next day.
Yeah, basically.
When he can't deliver.
All right, nice.
When she's given up all hope.
A little imp like man. A business room.
And spins the straw into gold
and return for her necklace of glass beads.
Oh, okay.
The next morning, the king takes the girl
to a larger room, filth is straw to repeat the feet.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
The imp once again spins and return
for the girl girls glass ring
That was some crows being just flying out the belfry. Yeah
What was that for though for the ring? No, that was for just repeated trope repeated and increasing some mugging at this stage. This is sort of mugging with menaces.
On the third day, the girl is taken
to an even larger room filled with straw.
There's one of those conical shaped towels, isn't it?
Go home and hurry up, because it's impressive.
It's impressive at the time.
Yeah, it's a reverse conical.
It's a classic reverse conical tower.
Incredibly expensive.
Incredibly hard to build.
And that's what such a status piece.
On the third day, the guy's taking an even larger
and further straw and top of the king,
if she can spin all this straw into gold, he will marry her.
But if she cannot, she will be executed.
It's a veritable, romcoms, this one.
Oh, it's so charming.
Oh, the king, it's such a catch.
Oh.
Yeah, it's quite, yeah, I think that's another clanger.
That's a clong, isn't it?
Because that's a sort of slightly, let's put it this way.
And another trope of fairy tales is the dating scene
has moved on, hasn't it?
That's it.
Since these days, while she's sobbing alone in the room,
the little imp appears again and promises
that he can spin the straw into gold for her,
but the girl tells him she has nothing left with which to pay.
The strange creature suggests she pay him with her first child.
So she's absolutely surrounded by complete twats.
A father is a complete twat.
King is a complete twat.
The rumble is still skinny.
I mean, it's saying something where he's probably the least of a twat of all of them.
He's not great.
She reluctantly agrees and he sets about spinning the straw into gold. The king keeps his promise to marry the miller's daughter, but when their first child is born,
the imp returns to claim his payment.
She offers him all the wealth she has to keep the child, but the imp has no interest in her
riches.
By the way, riches. My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, telling the story, babe. But I have already told the story. Yeah, but we're getting it, you know, I'm just telling the full, the full, the full thumbnail.
Yeah? I'm telling the story of Rumble Siltz, we're getting the whole thing.
Proper, okay?
I'm just saying, I think I was, you missed out the detail about the increasingly large rooms.
And that's what people are really in it for.
She offers him all the wealth, basically, the imp has no interest in her riches.
He finally agrees to give up his claim to the wealth, the imp has no interest in her riches.
He finally agrees to give up his claim to the child if she can guess his name within three days.
The Queen's many guesses fail. Derek. Clive. Not Norby's styles.
Grindor the Avenger.
Caspian. Norbert Dendresangle.
Norbert Dendresangle.
Gary Lindor.
But but rumble-holt-stalt-skin Lindbergh. But the rumble stult skin.
Very unfortunate.
But before the final night, she wanders into the woods,
searching for him and comes across his remote mountain cottage.
By the way, another little theme of Theretel's is
lots of lovely Airbnb opportunities going to waste.
She watches unseen as he hops about his fire and sings.
He reveals his name and his song's lyrics.
Tonight, tonight, my plans I make tomorrow, tomorrow the baby I take, the Queen will never win the game.
This is the mistake coming. For Ambilselskin is my name.
That's a great song though. It's a good, it's a banger. That was actually on my, I've Spotify unwrapped
that song. Great song. When the imp ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha of having revealed his name to the Queen. In the 1812 edition of the Brothers Grimtail, Roppelsiltskin then ran away angrily and never came back.
That's a good ending.
The ending was revised though.
In 1857, in the 1857 edition,
we were more gruesome ending when Roppelsiltskin
in his rage travers right for Sifar
and the ground that sank up to his way.
We have covered that.
I did tell this whole story before.
You have to.
Yeah, that's what we covered it when Ben told it.
Yeah, you did tell it, didn't you?
You're doing it. This is another quite funny version. In the oral version, originally collected by
the brothers Grimm, Rumpos Stiltskin flies out of the window on a cooking ladle.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can control cooking utensils, literally the last beat of this story is I can control cooking utensils
I can make them hover and I'm off on one now, right? And there was one in the Ramallah long. See you later.
And there was one in the Ramallah long.
But you see Disney's not going to go with that in the Disney version of this.
That's going to be one of the first things to go because you know, it's got to
obey that, you know, that story. But in the Disney version at the end,
she would fall in love with Rumpel's Siltzkin.
And they would be married.
He turned to be super hot after all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you know what?
All that was lacking was he needed to be kissed.
She would kiss Rumpel's Siltzkin.
Yeah.
His face would fall off.
Revealing Chris Hemsworth.
Yeah.
Chris Hemsworth.
Chris Hemsworth.
Chris Hemsworth. He's still a complete bastard, but he's hot. So it's fine. He's a hot one though. And he goes, my name isn't Rumpall Stiltskin.
It's Hems with SlopeSklin.
He's a SculptSklin. Helms.
Hemsworth is my name. Look at my abs, they ripple.
Look at that thing on my knee.
It's a supernumery nipple.
Milk it, milk it, the witches must see this, he'll see it.
He's a supernumery nipple.
Milk it, milk it, the witches must see this, he'll see it.
He's a super
numery nipple. Milk it, milk it, the witch's must eat this
cereal. Yeah. Lovely.
Okay, it's time for your emails. Yes, please. And rather than using the version of the email jingle
that I made, we're gonna play one of your versions.
Oh, brilliant.
This is a crooner version, really.
It's from Tom Crowley.
No, as in, as in Natom Crowley.
From Crowley time.
Tom Crowley from the podcast Crowley time.
Crowlers.
Oh, I'm very excited about this.
I'm gonna plug his podcast.
It's really funny.
It's a kind of one man's sketch show called Crowley Time. Really good. You should listen to it. It's a very excited about this. I'm going to play Gispochos, it's really funny. It's a kind of one-man sketch show called
Crowley Time, really good. You should listen to it.
It's a very, very funny. If you want to listen to it,
they'll be linking the notes.
My good stuff, guys.
Despite the experimental electronic sound of the
classic email jingle, I can always hear a smooth
Las Vegas nightclub style jazz bone number
aching to burst out of it.
And so I made this. That came before
Morning, postmaster
Anything for me?
Just some old shit
When you send the email
Hey!
This represents progress
Like a robot you in a horse.
Give me your hoof.
Beep beep beep.
Ha.
Ha.
My beautiful horse.
Oh, get that man to Vegas.
Ha ha ha.
Ponto, pronto.
Terv out Adel. You've got a new resident in town.
That was good.
Thank you, good old Tom Crowley.
Very good.
Very good Tom, thank you.
E-mails.
Routh emails.
I have on several occasions been listening to episodes of your podcast
when the very place I am in is mentioned on the podcast.
Ruthie isn't from Bram and Ishiie. Do you work in a Pratt?
She says, I can forgive and dismiss a reference to a saint's
bee's local being as I am a Londoner.
But when Thrice in a week you have caught me in the very place you're mentioning, I cannot help be suspicious.
One, boots.
I'd popped in to get a lip balm and hear your discussion of the space age doors.
And the fact that we all spend much, too much time in boots.
Oh dear.
Two, a rhymance.
Three, the actual Royal Albert Hall.
Whoa. Oh no.
I'd been to the Royal Albert Hall and just stepped out and plugged in the headphones.
Not two minutes later, you're talking about getting married in the toilets of the Royal Albert Hall.
Sorry, Ruth, what's happened there is that you have been conjured into existence by a podcast. I'm afraid you are a figment of the high-brain imagination.
That's all of our business. Sorry, it's something we're trying to iron out, but it's an unregulated
world, isn't it? So she might feel that she's a 35-year-old woman, but in fact she's only
actually been around for about two and a half years.
Yeah, right, yeah.
Yeah.
And those memories will be very convincing, I think.
So she's a kind of, sort of, bean wave.
Is it what we're calling them?
What, what, what, a whisp?
A bean whisp, isn't it?
A bean of the whisp.
Or she's a bean of the whisp.
So what we're working on is a sort of slightly ghost-busters-esque bean of the whisp.
A sort of Hoover device, isn't it?
Mm-hmm. Or should we safely, sort of hoover device, isn't it?
Or should we safely destroy it?
So if you could turn yourself into a bean HQ, which is any prat, I know this is going
to be a hard listen for you, I'm sorry, you're a beanwisp. I need to hoover you into it.
A kind of a hoover bag thing, a special hoover bag, isn't it?
There'll be a few other beanwips in there.
Yeah, we're not quite sure how to process the bags after that yet.
We're going to iron that out.
But we think there's a way that we can link up.
We think we can store you and Ben's broken down home diet 10 on a street in Cardiff.
For that time being.
That's the best we've got at the moment.
Yeah.
It's the only storage space anyone has have, really.
Yeah.
But sorry, Ruth, you are not in any real sense
of human being or a person.
You don't have a soul.
I think the nearest thing in the physical space that we know of, that we could pay to in
terms of emotional makeup, in terms of how much reality you have, what they used to be
called crab sticks, and I call seafood sticks, isn't it?
So like the kind of the sense memory of a living thing, but actually, that's right, but actually
to trace it back to an actual fish or lobster would be a full-serend.
Yes, because every fish, like every seafood steak is made of the essence of about 5 million
crustaceans that have been caught over the course of the last 50 years.
Exactly.
And to unscramble that omelette would be...
Well, it can't be done.
It can't be done.
That's probably not the news you wanted, Ruth. I think it's
a bit harsh on Ruth, everything I was saying. I'm going to come up with another theory,
which is that Ruth is actually a normal functioning and I hope happy human being.
Well, has she by mistake paid for the platinum package? Oh, the geolocation package.
Yeah, she may have paid for the platinum package. Which he may not need, because that's only for people who have absolutely no capacity to
imagine anything at all, and physically need to be in the place that we're describing.
Yes.
That hasn't been very popular at all.
No, and because she spotted it, that suggests that she probably doesn't need it.
Yeah, exactly.
Although what's nice for her is that if we mentioned, for example, Nigel Havers,
she'll probably meet Nigel Havers.
That's true.
That's true. Yeah. That's true.
That's true.
Yeah.
It's true.
It's good package.
She's been a hell of a lot of time with Russell Crowe by now, wouldn't she?
And also, what's that, she's just appeared in her right hand?
A check signed to Henry Packer, PAKR, £25 million.
And also an envelope with Henry Packer's
actual dress on which I'm not gonna say,
but it is the correct address.
And a free stamp.
First class.
I think what's happening.
Is there a few possibilities of what happens?
Yeah, so what's happening?
And the other possibility is that it's a bit like,
if you say to a room of 1, 1000 people, who's birthday is it today?
A surprisingly large amount of them will say,
it's my birthday today.
And it's, and that's because of something to do with probability and
math that's a bit confusing, where it feels like, you'll get, oh,
this feels like a coincidence, but it's not actually.
So for example, no, if there's 365, 365 people in a room, more than one,
well, it'll be a birthday.
Yeah. But that's not a coincidence. It's just, it'll be their birthday. Yeah, but that's not a coincidence.
It's the nature of math, it's confusing.
So I think what's happened is it feels like a coincidence.
But the fact is if you live in London,
you're pretty much always either in a boots
or a rhyman or the Albert Hall.
There's no world's world to you.
Do you want to make, like, that's not a coincidence.
It's just you're a London.
You're going to be in one of those places most of the time.
Do you mean, yeah, that's good points. A huge chunk at the time you've been
in one of those places. So it could be, it's just not a coincidence, it just feels
like a coincidence, but it isn't. And what's a life? Exactly. I wouldn't change it
for the world. Whereas in Exeter you just, you know, probably a bit, you're at
a home, you're at a slaughterhouse, that's about it, basically. Yeah, all both.
It's time to be the fatter man. Patreon.com
4-Sash 3-D Salad
Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
We make a monthly bonus episode, which is made up of,
I never explained this very well, but every week we record a lot more than we end up putting out in these episodes.
And we save stuff back, we put them out for Patreon only.
Yeah, so for example, I don't know what we're end up using from this episode,
but probably something to do with Rumpel Stiltskin or something.
Anyway, there's more stuff.
Patreon.com.4.3. being salad.
And if you sign up at the Sean Bean Tier,
you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.
Oh, you better believe you do.
Where Mike is recording from as we speak.
That's true.
You're still doing that.
There's a bit of a cleanup job this morning after last night.
You say, yeah, a messy one.
It wasn't a bit, it was a messy one. It wasn't big.
It was awful messy, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Was it the paintballing with AT's pop stars, mate?
Yeah.
Oh, it's always a messy one.
Ha, ha, ha.
Clear up is something to behold, isn't it, after that?
Andrew Ridgly's aim is completely shots.
Well, you'll hear all about it in my report.
BELLS BELLS BELLS It was the paintballing with 80s pop stars night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge and
by gum did it get out of hand quickly. Few loungers got past the front door without
being ambushed by Benjamin sleep and teammate Pat Beneter who fired paintballs from a fully
elevated cherry picker they'd parked in the Sean Bean atrium. Holly barricaded herself
in the Unisex bean bog with Terrence Trent Derby and elusive Andross
Tributax, but came under sustained attack from Cindy Lauper using shed jurd as a human
shield.
Dan Witt was betrayed by the Bengals during a game of capture the flag, but they in turn
fell foul of a pincer movement executed to perfection, by face him Cox Lawrence and
the lads from Depeche Mode.
Some admonitions for safety violations were regrettably necessary.
Phil Collins accidentally discharged a high-velocity pellet into Jasper Bash's lunchbox at
Point Blank Range, and despite repeated warnings, Belinda Carlisle kept shooting Johnny
Barge in the arse.
Elsewhere, Richards' 40th birthday went toe-to-toe with Huey Lewis and the news and came
out of it looking like a three-year-old's painting of some tropical sick.
Despite his notoriously poor aim, Andrew Ridge originally insisted on being the point man for a raid
on Madonna's stronghold, let Isla go fuck yourself.
Originally accidentally took out team mates Brandon Cassin and Grace Jones before they'd
even broken cover, and ricocheted a paint pellet in the Bonnie Tyler's mouth, meaning Glen
Johnston's usual bright eyes bedtime lullaby was off the schedule for the evening.
Special combinations went too.
The ungovernable menace who managed to quote unquote, salvage all Dali the human league by pouring
8,000 melted paintballs over the top of the moire they cowered on the Sean Bean patio,
and to Alison Moyer, who Jackson Pollock's Douglas McIntosh so hard that the Sean Bean Panges permanent, thanks all. Right, that's the show. We will finish with a version of our theme tune
sent in by One of You.
And it's from Robin of Bremen.
Thank you, Robin.
He sent in a, what he describes as
an industrial techno version of the theme tune.
Oh, wow.
So this will get you blood pumping.
Until next time, goodbye.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye, have a new year, Choreo. 3. Draw the lines on the back of the head. you