Three Bean Salad - Farming
Episode Date: April 24, 2024This week the beans doff their Harris Tweed flap caps to Chrissie of Bremen whose topic suggestion of farming has slipped out of the bean machine’s birth canal, glistening with the lukewarm goo of b...anter before landing softly on the (also lukewarm) straw of compelling, independent broadcasting and bleating with the timbre of nature’s very own promotional jingle. The beans shall return come the radish harvest (June).Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
We did a show in Bristol, didn't we?
We did.
What a pleasure.
Great fun.
It was a very nice time.
And then we all travelled home, didn't we?
We dropped you off, well, Mike dropped you off at the train station.
Yeah.
Was it a tearful goodbye, Mike? We tried to sort of drive that down, didn't we? We did. But it was there, in a way it
would have been even more moving to see, I think, because you could see the emotions
roiling underneath the surface. What wasn't being expressed was so present.
As I barked at Henry to get out of the fucking car, because we're not in a drop-off area,
this is a taxi rank.
But there was so much in that wasn't there Mike?
Yeah.
Because you were so, there were so many different levels of, because, because you know, did
you want me to get out of the fucking car?
Yes.
Did you want me to get out overall?
Yes.
Did you really have to eat that jumbo packet of Doritos on the 10 minute journey from the
venue to the station?
Leave crisps all over my seat.
Was that necessary?
I would argue yes.
You felt it was necessary.
I think the way he said goodbye to me was very much like a Polish nobleman saying goodbye
to his son on the way to war.
That's what it felt like.
His least favourite son.
His least favourite son.
Yeah.
The one he's nominated for the Legion.
Yeah. Yeah, because the first one has inherited all favourite son. Yeah. The one he's nominated for the Legion. Yeah. Yeah,
because the first one has inherited all the lands. Yeah. The second one's a priest. Yeah.
And then the third one. Yeah. There isn't actually a war on, but you still sent me to
the front. He'll find one eventually. Yeah. That's what you're thinking. It's very much
a sort of 19th century thing, isn't it? Which is all the emotions are hidden under the moustache
essentially. And that's what the moustache was there there for wasn't it was to keep the you can't see the trembling lip
you can't see the trembling lip but but but i detected there was you know what you have to do
with mike mike is you have to sort of read what's going on in the moustache so you're looking for
little little sideways motions little little jitterings which is hard to do when the end of
your right leg is still in the car as I drive off, isn't it?
That's true. It was.
It takes a lot of skill to read these signals.
I know. It was almost as if you were injuring me because you didn't want me to leave. It felt, certainly it felt like that was what you were, wasn't it?
It was a fraternal love. Rarely, at the time rarely seen, rarely expressed publicly at that time and certainly not in central Bristol, I would say it was very moving the way you were throwing crisps at me.
Wasn't it as I, well, that's the thing isn't it?
I would, I would have said back at you, John, I mean, rather than what had been
dropped and what had been deposited.
Yes.
But it was almost like a moment.
I felt it was a memento you wanted me to take with me of you.
Would you express by shouting after the car, are you sure you
don't have any other snacks?
I had to, I had lots of of rumen on the way home.
Yeah.
How was the train?
Uh, well, I bought a, I had to buy a WH Smith sandwich, which, um,
that's usually pretty rough.
It was pretty rough.
It was very much a kind of, I just got that, I just got that little
glimpse of that, of that life on the road sort of sort of lifestyle.
Travelling pen salesman.
Of, you know, had I chosen to do what my father had done and his father before him and their
father's before them and become, and be a travelling pen salesman.
Of course, now you can arrive in the town, go to the Richmond and buy the pens there.
That's the problem. In a way, that in the town, go to the rich man by the pens there.
That's the problem.
Yeah.
In a way that's the problem. Isn't it?
Well, you travel to the pens, then you travel to the pens now.
Yeah.
The bespoke sort of care and love you'd get from a trained pen salesman.
That brace of by rows across your torso.
A brace of by rows for sir.
They were like adornments for the breast pocket
they were seen as weren't they?
It was a way of signalling status wasn't it?
That's right.
Political leanings.
Yeah, you know a propelling pencil
means something doesn't it?
One of those little rubbers that came up on,
do you remember the rubber that came up on a
kind of propelling rubber?
No.
They were very short lived.
I've never seen a propelling rubber before.
I've not seen a rubber in ages.
I know they go out of your life, don't they?
They really do.
As a child, you've got a rubber in your hand every day almost.
It's true.
I don't know if today's kids still use a rubber.
I mean, I assume they do.
Rubbers are still on the scene.
Very much so.
Are they?
And nothing has changed really in the rubber, in rubber town, right?
There's still, there are still good rubbers and bad rubbers.
You get to know a rubber well.
You're still buying one from a sort of local castle gift shop. Yeah, very much so. Yeah,
and they'd never work out ever. No, those ones are always bad. And you're really decent kind
of oblong type, you know, just sturdy rubber. Those, you mourn them as they, I mean, they still get
worn to the absolute, just a little kind of snub, little node of a rubber.
Well, there's your gift rubbers, aren't they? Because you don't use a gift rubber for actually rubbing out, do you?
Aren't they like...
Are they display rubbers?
They're sort of display rubbers, they're almost like a status rubber, aren't they?
Ornamental.
Ornamental rubbers.
Like a castle rubber.
Cause I think they've got inks kind of imbued into them, haven't they?
So I think they're actually not very good rubbers.
No, they're too hard.
It can just be like a hard block of plastic basically.
Yes, that's true.
I don't think I've sharpened a pencil in maybe 15 years.
Again, I mean, it's still a scene.
Still a scene.
It's still a scene, isn't it?
Yeah.
There are schools that issue pen licenses now.
What?
Yeah, that's become a thing.
What?
Once you get to a certain level of sort of literacy and penmanship.
Right.
What?
Well, the child will come home from school full of the joys of spring because they've been awarded their penmanship. Right. What? Well the child will come home from school full of the joys of
spring because they've been awarded their pen license. Yeah you're damn right Pam, it's absolute
bullshit. Pam really calls it. Yeah she's just walked off in disgust. Pam really has a kind of,
I could see Pam becoming a sort of political commentator. She's got a very... She's quite GB news. She's quite GB news.
Sort of.
What she's barking is, if you were a barknologist and you could interpret it, it's mainly she's
barking...
It's just common sense.
It's just plain common sense.
Back to basics.
Bark to basics.
That's my little slogan.
She really calls it out, I like that. Licenses for pens, what next?
Yeah, the TV news wouldn't like this, would they?
They wouldn't like that. Coming after the break, licenses for pens. We've got four hours
on licenses for pens. Richard Littlejohn on licenses for pens. Liz Trusson licenses for
pens.
And now Pam. And now Pam on licenses for pens, Liz Trusson licenses for pens. And now Pam.
And now Pam on licenses for pens.
Exclusive contract.
Rubbers wise, I remember a thing happened when I was at school, which is, well, okay.
So there was basically a spate, I'm not sure if spate's the right word, but a spate and much of spates right word spate of very incredibly beautiful.
And just sort of brilliantly designed rubbers that came out that smelt smelly rubbers.
Do you remember many rubbers feels like a decent time to possibly remind some of our American
listeners that we are talking about erasers, erasers for pencils.
We're talking, oh yeah, we've just lost.
Oh God, I mean, they've gone though, it's too late.
This is like The Beatles with the thing about Jesus in America.
God, and me talking about how I haven't used a rubber since I was a child.
Horrible.
How you get rubbers from castle gift shops. But they're not as good. They're themed rubber.
The picture of a castle at the end.
It's the sling shot for. Yeah.
No, it's yet. So erasers. So there was a spate of smelly erasers. It was basically, at some
point in the eighties, it became a massive fad.
Of making things smelly.
Of making things smelly. Is that what it was? I think there was more than just erasers,
you're right. Do you remember you'd sometimes go to a beach, like a seaside town, and you
could buy a smelly ball.
A smelly ball?
Just like a sort of rubber, a big sort of rubber ball that you could kick around. I do remember a smelly ball. And they'd be smelly ball. Just like a sort of rubber, a big sort of rubber ball that you could kick
around.
I do remember a smelly ball.
And it'd be smelly.
I think something happened in the eighties where they unearthed and they solved smell
technology and I think they went all in as like, we can coat anything in any smell.
Because this is also the era of scratch and sniff.
Scratch and sniff, exactly.
Scratch and sniff is around about the same time. So basically they managed to like, some
scientists somewhere must have worked out how to coat things in like, it was probably
just a very like a narrow molecule polymer spray, I'm guessing.
Now illegal.
Which you could just, which creates an invisible coating around things.
And it just gathers in orbit, doesn't it slowly?
That's right, just slowly gathers in orbit, making the earth smell.
The earth currently smells of raspberries.
From space.
Which unfortunately is likely to attract, if they do exist, space stoats.
Which could be very, very bad news for us in the long term.
But let's cross that bridge when we get to it, Henry, for God's sake.
We can't spend our lives...
Can I be a bit GB news about this, we can't spend our lives worrying about whether
the space stoats are going to arrive.
Genetically engineering bigger and bigger and bigger Alsatians just in case an intergalactic
stoat comes and attacks the North Pole.
When it happens, it happens.
I mean it's nanny state isn't it, getting children to be trained in how to take down
a space stoat and hand to hand combat, which I hear they're doing in some schools. It's absolute madness.
Yeah, they worked out how to make anything smell of anything. That is a Willy Wonka moment,
isn't it? Potentially.
I do remember as an era, I remember a lot of things being smelly. There was definitely
an era of the girls in school mainly getting into a thing that was called smelly gel pens.
Do you remember that?
Yeah, that was a bit after our time.
This, they're still huge.
Right.
Okay.
Smelly gel pens.
I don't really, how do those three concepts, the concepts of pen smell and gel?
How do, what's the intersection?
A gel pen is a bit like a, a biro, but instead of ink that comes out, it's got.
Smelly smells come out.
Well, no ink comes out, but it's called, I don't know why it's called gel is ink.
Okay.
And then the ink is smelly and it smells of nice things.
Does it in any way relate to bubble tea?
But that's another phenomenon I don't understand.
It's very much in that world.
Certainly, certainly in terms of vibe, yes, but they've, they're very different things.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
People in a bubble tea cafe might well be writing in their journal using gel pens.
Yeah, okay.
And smelly gel pens at that.
Yeah.
What it's to do with when children, children like things that are brightly coloured and
smell.
Yeah.
So and they smell nice.
And so this this happened with rubbers with erasers when I was at school in the 80s.
They were everywhere.
So you get a rubber that looked like a cherry, smell like a cherry, a rubber that looked
like a sausage, smell like a sausage.
I don't remember one of those.
Chili con carne.
Mother's breast.
It was all there.
Mother's breast.
You get anything.
An old fashioned steak and kidney pudding.
So it finished, took them years.
But they cracked it.
Two reams of A4 paper and just a couple of full English breakfasts with the black pudding
rubbers please, thank you.
Yeah, swap the beans for mushrooms.
Yeah please.
And you do a little mini extra hash brown, you have a mini extra hash brown on top, stick
them on top, why not?
Brown please, please. Brown.
And also a rubber that looks like a cup of tea, please. And just one little rubber that looks like a sugar. And I want rather rubber that looks like a spoon full of sugar, rather than the rubber that
looks like a sugar cube, please. And I want to like sugar that's pouring off a spoon, but
not including the spoon itself as part of the rubber. Thank you.
The cubes in Ryman's. It was like it was took ages. Well, it
was heyday wasn't it?
It was the heyday.
So did you have one? One of these smelly rubbers yourself?
Yeah, I'd loads of smelly rubbers. So the my favourite one was a
smelly rubber that looked exactly. And I mean
exactly like a biscuit. It's unbelievable. And with it,
because I think they may be coming from Eastern Europe. So
actually look like a biscuit I didn't recognise as a biscuit.
Was this a thing? Was this a dividend of the Berlin Wall
coming down?
I think it might have been I think the rubbers flowed. They
flowed through. Actually also a little known
fact, the last song of David Hasselhoff gig on the Berlin
Wall is actually not him as a rubber looks like David
Hasselhoff. He'd already gone home. What does it smell like?
All the different parts of David Hasselhoff. To the nearest to
the nearest like couple of inches. There's some overspill.
So lower back smells of anus is what you're saying.
Yeah. I think smell scientists call it male pharaenomal utopia.
MPU.
He actually does smell quite nice, David Hasselhoff. If you've just met him, I reckon he'd smell nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, his name sounds like a fragrance, doesn't it?
Hasselhoff.
Hasselhoff.
For men.
For men.
Yeah, you're right.
It sounds like an 80s fragrance, doesn't it, Hasselhoff?
Because it sounds like Davidoff.
All right, fine.
Take away the magic from them.
Everything has an explanation.
Everything has an explanation.
I think the magic is in the explanation, Henry, because I'm a man of thinking, of interrogation.
This bird song is making me feel so great.
It's so uplifting.
Yeah, that's because it's a high pitch register so that they can make territorial claims.
That activates various synapses going back to primeval times.
It's mainly stuff to do with making sure you eat and shit in separate areas of the forest.
And actually a lot of the sound is being reverberated through the
cloacers, which is what gives it that sort of wobbly quality that
you love.
Exactly.
You're basically listening to an ass to thousands and thousands of
little arses.
Yeah.
Connected to little pecky idiots that don't know anything about
anything.
Yeah.
I would eat a smelly rubber if it smelled right.
So anyway, there's this biscuit rubber. looking back, you know, when you go on
holiday to France and you go into one of this huge super supermarkets, they have
Yeah, the hypermarché, the hypermarchés or the super ooze.
One of these huge carafo, carfo, they're massive.
They've got huge aisles just full of biscuits.
It's crazy.
They've got this, there's nothing in a biscuit
they have where it's like, you know, the biscuit that's a beige
oblong with a little nod nodules on each.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, trestle table.
It's not a trestle table like the top of an imaginable trestle
table. Trinket down to the size of a biscuit, then put the
spread some Nutella on it. And then sandwich it with another
similar biscuit on the other side. Do you know what I'm talking aboutella on it. Yeah, and then sandwich it with another similar
biscuit on the other side. Do you know what I'm talking about? I do. Yeah. Yeah. Can you
put that biscuit Mike? Yep. It's sort of it's kind of a holiday biscuits and you bite it
and you know, you never quite have that biscuit in the UK. Anyway, they had a rubber that looked
exactly like one of those. It smelled delicious. And and other than strawberry ones and melons and stuff
and you'd compare them and sniff them and a friend of mine at school. So this is the
first time that I committed a crime essentially in my life.
Whoa crumbs. We're going to need a name for the friend please.
Barnabas Mickelmas. He had, my friend Barnabasas Michael must had bought a rubber that was
a Coca Cola rubber. Wow. That sounds like premium stuff. It was absolutely premium.
So this rubber, it came in a Coca Cola can mini. I remember this. Do you have to remember
that? I remember the mini. Well, I think I'm thinking actually of the mini Coca Cola cans, which
were a pencil sharpener.
Remember that?
Well, that was the other period in the 80s where they worked out how to make anything
into pencil sharpener.
It wasn't that.
That's great.
That's a great, that was a great one as well.
But this one was a, it was a little plastic can.
You pulled the top off and inside there was a dark brown Coca Cola colored rubber eraser that smelled exactly like Coca Cola.
And I can still remember that it was just glorious it was just the most superb thing right.
I just had I had to have it covered it.
I coveted it you must be mine.
I coveted it. I coveted it.
You must be mine.
Why should you have that rubber?
When I only have this inexplicable European biscuit rubber.
And eventually these smelly rubbers turned us to turned us against each other.
That's what happened.
Because it was too sweet.
The fruit was too sweet.
The baboons went mad. Mad with power.
These smelly rubbers are tearing us apart.
There is no Eden. There can be no Eden.
I will make a very Eden of my own on your corpses.
Sorry miss. Sorry miss. I think I wet myself. Sorry, miss.
I will be Adam. Sheena Easton will be Eve.
And we will live in a city of skulls. Be the queen of the new Golgotha, Sheena. Will you
join me? Oh, sorry, miss. I got carried
to sorry, miss.
I'm really sorry. I think I've killed your serpent.
That was the class pet. It's a slow one we found outside.
Okay, I thought to myself, okay, what does Barnabas have to offer? I get to hang out
with Barnabas occasionally. He comes around to my house on a Saturday. Sometimes I go into his house, we'll play around, compare
smelly rubbers. Okay, fine. He's replaceable. He's replaceable. He's got a sister that's
quite similar to him already, do you know what I mean? But that rubber, I mean that
rubber is opening up doors. That rubber's going to open doors for me essentially.
It's the keys to the kingdom.
It's the key to the kingdom. It's the 1980s. It's every man for himself. Do you know what
I mean? It's a tough time. I'm going to need that rubber going forward.
Smelly products have gone mad. Cold War's over, right? All these laid off sort of space
race scientists, laid off spies are becoming mercenaries. The laid off scientists, they're
making smelly rubbers and special pencil sharpness.
They are.
And the world's going mad.
I hear that's going to be Christopher Nolan's next film. It's going to be
Sharpenheimer.
We shouldn't have done the hubris. We shouldn't have done it.
To make an eraser that smells exactly like a biscuit, what were we thinking?
The rubber of the biscuit became almost better than a biscuit. It's a bit like,
I think it's a bit like the concept of platonic ideals. What you're reminding me of is your crisis with the crustle, right?
Because you have a crustle, you consume the crustle and then it's gone.
Exactly.
But with the rubber.
But you can't consume, essentially, the rubber, the smelly rubber is the keys to the kingdom
of eternal youth.
Eternal pleasure.
Eternal pleasure.
Because it doesn't age, it doesn't deteriorate like a normal French biscuit.
Also it's almost like it's the ideal.
What is the platonic ideal thing?
Is it something to do with there's a guy next to a cave?
No, you're mixing up two of Plato's ideas.
He's holding up a biscuit.
The biscuit's being reflected.
What is it Ben? Do you know?
Um, I mean, I'm definitely going to get this wrong, but I think it's that the
idea with the cave is that you, the idea that we never see reality.
We just see.
If you were in the cave and you saw somebody making shadows on the wall of
the cave, you would believe that to be reality.
You wouldn't know there's anything outside of the cave because you've got no evidence of it.
So that's the smelly, so the smelly rubber biscuit is the shadow on the cave.
Well, if it became your entire world and you didn't think about anything else, then yes.
The platonic ideal idea is the idea that every object or thing, there is a platonic ideal
of it that exists, which is the perfect version of it. And that anytime you try and make something,
you're kind of trying to work towards that thing. And that could never be achieved, but it exists
as a concept.
That's the smelly rubber. Because the smelly rubber of the strawberry or the biscuit, it's
this perfect, when you held it, it was like, it was a bit like holding the ring of power.
The plater was wrong because he found it.
The plater was wrong.
Yeah.
That's how big this is.
I'm going to completely turn on its head.
All of ancient wisdom.
Plato can fuck off.
Aristotle sit on that.
Socrates do one.
Sorry, miss. Sorry.
I mean, ABCD.
Sorry. Oh, you fool. Miss Johnson. Yes, you're delightfully naive. Maybe I'll spare you when I build my spaceship of bones. You could work in the
engine room.
This is very Honderman.
Crunching up the powdered bones of your staff member Piers who will be our fuel.
So I really wanted this rubber.
He had the Coca Cola rubber.
It was a way to experience the platonic ideal of a Coke essentially.
Because you're right Mike, it's like the cross on thing.
If you have a Coke, you drink the Coke, the Coke's gone, you're in
this complicated relationship with the Coke.
I can't imagine the primary school aged Henry Packer was given ready access to Coke at
that time. Am I right? This would have been...
No, probably not. So it was even more, it was delightful.
Holy grail level, level treats.
Yeah.
I took it. I took it.
In terms of the heist itself, was it that simple? What we're talking
about? Sleight of hand or was it dead of night job? Robbery?
You know what Mike? As I explained to my parole officer, to the other people involved in the
heist, Julia Roberts, Steven Seagal and Kenneth Baker.
Who's that?
No, he's a member of Thatcher's Cabinet.
Okay.
I can't remember what he did.
No, Michael Heskline actually, he's better.
You can't go back on it.
No, he was Kenneth Baker.
As I said to them-
I'm looking him up, he was the Secretary of State for Education and Science. Exactly, there you go. He had an in in the school. Yeah, it was Kenneth Baker. As I said to them, he was the secretary of state for education and
science. Exactly. There you go. He had an in in the school. Yeah. He was, he was a very good choice.
Very good choice. As I said to them, we just walk in the front door
because he won't see it coming because he seems I'm his friend.
And he's not expecting to be attacked by two Hollywood A-listers and a member of the cabinet.
So we just walk in the front door.
It'll be very similar to taking candy off a baby.
The baby's about four years older.
And the candy's a rubber.
It'll be like taking a rubber for a very small child.
Using Aikido.
In that case it was Steven Seagal. taking a rub off a very small child using I Kido. Do we like to his face just go easy on his body.
I know I swiped the rubber and all I really remember is he accused me of stealing it.
I denied it. I then panicked. I realized that overreached. It started to come to me that
the living in the Gold Gotha with Shina Reese was probably not going to happen. I didn't
even know how to make a spaceship out of metal, let alone bones.
Things fall apart at this stage, don't they?
It all started to fall apart because I'd massively overreached.
The heist ain't over with the heist, baby.
Exactly. The heist, it's a life choice,'t it? It stays with you forever that heist.
And I ran and there was a chase.
He chased me through the school.
Wow.
We ran through the corridors, up and down the stairs.
Did you have the gear on you?
I had the gear on me and I needed to drop the goddamn gear.
But I knew if he saw me drop the goddamn gear, I was going down for a pony, maybe two.
People like me, we can't do a stretcher pony.
I'm not built for it.
I'm too pretty.
I'm too goddamn pretty.
I've been around these smelly rubbers so long I smell like a fruit market.
You know what they'll do to me inside? I smell like
a goddamn high end grocer's. He chased me through the school, right? And I made it to
the bit where you eat, the big, the big cant he sort of, it was quite a big room and it
had all the tables, all the long tables in it.
I went in and he was just up the corridor.
He was just turning a corner, sort of running across.
I had a moment where it was just me and the, and the, and the smelly rubber Coke.
Wow.
And I held it in my hand.
I looked at it.
Did I give it a last sniff?
Yes, cause I did.
I gave it a last sniff.
And you swallowed it and it's still there. I swallowed it did. I gave it last night and you swallowed it
and it's still there.
And you and that Coke drove off the edge of a cliff.
Yeah.
Credits bring on award season.
Bring on the Razzies.
Because it's going to be a clean sweep this year, boys.
I realised, you know, the obvious parallels are the moment where one of those little hairy
little guys is standing over the fiery pit of Mount Doom, whatever it is.
Is it Frodo?
He has to drop it back in there.
Yeah.
It was basically that moment. I looked at it. Obviously I knew that while sniffing it,
I was invisible.
But you also faced with destroying that which you loved the most.
But in order to repair my relationship with them, with Barnabas.
But to get away with the theft. So what I did was I took it, I ran this so
vividly, I threw it under the tables. So I threw it and I watched it skimming a bit like
a stone on a lake. And it just, or like a puck, like a hockey puck, it kind of rolled
out way out into the middle of this room underneath all these tables and then he came in and held my hands up and was like
you ain't got nothing on me Barnabas.
I can't prove shit.
And I'm also I'm hoping that our friendship has been to some degree repaired during the
come around on Saturday for a play date? So that's what happens. I
essentially I tossed the gear, I flushed in whatever. He came in and held my hands up
and that was it.
He can't have bought it or did he? Did he buy it?
I think I just didn't have it on me. He couldn't prove anything. I don't know. I can't actually
remember what happened there because I think I was very rapidly moved to a secure unit
for the next five years of my life.
Did either of you go through a stage of nicking stuff?
No, not.
No, but I'm aware it's a thing that happens, but not me.
Great.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks guys.
I've come out of this looking great.
Well done.
Well, I did want to steal a real biscuit from Mr. Janison's office again at primary school.
I'd never felt so alive, but I was, I was caught in, I was witnessed and I was caught
in or shopped by an older kid.
Okay.
So, so probably early on you got that message to not do it.
I did, I did, I had a few little things.
I had a little stage of nicking stuff.
You're just burning stuff these days, aren't you?
Yeah.
To round off the smelly, smelly erasers thing, smelly rubbers thing.
They then became banned. Did they? Yeah. To round off the smelly, smelly erasers things, smelly rubbers thing. Yeah. They then became banned.
Did they?
Yeah. Quite soon after that. Or certainly ones which looked like food. I remember a chocolate
one now. Ones which looked like foods and smell like foods were banned. They disappeared overnight.
They banned by the school or banned by the government?
Banned by the government. They stopped happening. I'm pretty sure.
Too many kids were eating rubber kiwis.
They weren't even taking the skin off. Kids were eating rubber, rubber, yeah, eating rubbers. And I think it was just seen as a really dangerous bad idea.
It was.
Yeah, it was a on the beat machine. Yes please. This week's topic is sent in by Chrissie from Bremen.
Thank you, Chrissie.
Thanks, Chrissie.
It's farming.
Have we done farming before?
No, we've not done farming.
I think it's one of those ones where in a way we've always been talking about farming. I think it's one of those ones where in a way we've always been talking about farming.
Yes and don't forget for the last 45 years you've been putting out another podcast Ben that might make you feel like you've done something about farming. That's true yeah I'm quite
I'm quite steeped in farming. Yeah that's true. So farming then? Farming? Well it's one of the great
human breakthroughs isn't it was farming. Along with smelly rubbers, smelly rubbers, spinning Jenny crisps, spinning crisps,
smelly Jenny's.
Everyone loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Spinning.
Everyone loves Raymond.
The flag of Bhutan.
And that trick where you pretend to take a coin out of someone's ear.
Oh yeah, that was big.
I can actually do that one.
Let's call the French drop.
Is it? And that trick where you pretend to take a coin out of someone's ear. Oh yeah, that was big.
I can actually do that one.
Let's call the French drop.
Is it?
Have we?
We may have talked about this.
I don't think we have, no.
Isn't that general term?
Isn't that a French drop a general term for all kinds of bits of sleight of hand?
Isn't it?
Are we having a magic off?
I don't know. You tell me Henry.
Two wizards clash.
I prefer to think of myself as a sorcerer, really.
Rather than a wizard.
Yeah, yeah, well I am, that's fine, you're each to his own, you know, I mean I'm probably more of a necromancer I suppose, at the moment.
Alright, because people think of you as a warlock, really.
Oh fuck you and fuck that whole community, okay?
We are not warlocks, yes?
Warlocks are linked to Odin.
I do not actually agree with a lot of what Odin is doing at the moment, okay?
You think you've got it bad?
I'm a fucking mage.
No respect for mages.
Oh mate, honestly, I feel for you.
But you are a mage, like I'm looking at you and everything about you stinks of mage.
Can I say, warlocks are not fit to use a massive mortar and pestle to crush the spices that I put in some of my concoctions, mate.
Yeah?
What?
Slam!
That's a classic warlock level diss. I think you sort of slammed yourself though, didn't you?
You turned the slam on yourself.
I basically, sorry, I was basically afraid of that.
I've started making my own curries and actually doing the crushing up the spices myself, so
it's quite a nice thing to do.
But I'm mainly, but necromancy is still my main thing.
Just because I'm a necromancer doesn't mean I can also do some close hand stuff at corporates.
Yeah, exactly.
Warlocks are in league with Odin.
I'm a necromancer.
Okay.
Which means I am, I harness the power of the undead.
Yeah.
Can I be any clearer about that?
I thought, were you challenging Mike to some kind of magical battle?
I can't.
It was all about the French drop.
That's where they started.
My favorite French drop is Chateau Neuf de Pec.
Beautifully. Very, verype. Beautifully fair. Very nice.
Bit of humor.
Of course, back in the late 18th century, if you had a French
drop, it might be going through your neck in the form of the
guillotine during the revolution that they all had with them.
I tell you what, you want more than a Chateau Neuf de Pape after
that. You'd want a shut it enough to new neck.
I like this new like sort of vibe we've got. We should try.
What is it?
What is it? humor? Just great humor.
No, so me and Mike we're having a magic off. Yeah. So you think
you know more about the French drop than me?
No. I think I've already said everything I think I know about
the French drop.
Yeah, do you?
Yeah.
Right.
Well, you don't.
I'm spoiling for a magic fight.
I'm going to have one.
My understanding was it was a general term for physical movement rather than a specific
trick.
Well, what I understand the French drop to be, bearing in mind, I trained at Hamleys during
the late nineties, early noughties.
When you work in Hamleys, you've got a choice of who you hang out with.
Do you hang out with the guy throwing the planes around?
We have talked about him.
We've talked about the planes guy, three in a pack, they all come back.
We have talked about, you told us, I think that the magicians, the magicians gang, they
were the, they were top tier hierarchy. Marvin's Magic was the magicians the magicians gang they were that they were top tier higher
I said Marvin's magic was the company. This was cool gang. I mean these were the Teebirds. I hung out with them. Yeah
But you'd have been there fool. Yes
I
prefer Patsy
I'm nobody's fool
But I'm some people's Patsy's I am I just you've got to make ends meet then they generally I'll do some
patsy stuff. I mean, to me, I was patsy is my 95. That supports
the close up magic suffered in the evenings. That was my life
back then. No, I hang out with the magic crew. So they they
had a little a little stall. They were they were fairly big
Jesus, I'd
say I think I think I think a lot of them are members of the
magic circle. Basically, to get the idea of the kind of person
imagine. Yeah, I would hang out in games workshop, but I can't
really take the big dick energy in there. Do you know what I
mean? It's like, Oh, come on. Enough testosterone going around guys.
Come on. Holy hell. Do you know what I mean? That's just the figurines.
It was a scene. I hang out with them. And I learned some tricks off them. So there was
a few tricks that the Marvel's magic people did. They had this contraption, which
they sold, which was a quite cool trick in a way, but it's a bit weird because basically
was a way of you'd ask the person you're talking to if they had a pound coin, you take the
pound coin and you put it in this little device that was the exact color and texture of a
pound coin slightly bigger.
And they could see that bit. Yeah, this isn't hidden in the palm of your hand.
Yeah, they could see that bit. Exactly. That was weird about it. It was just a
thing. I'll put it in this contraption. You put the lid on
screw it on, turn it over, open it up and the pound coins gone.
The drawback is a great magic trick, I think is just using
objects which people have to hand so a pack of a pack of
cards in theory is just a pack of cards. Everyone has a pack of
cards. That's that's why you know, a top hat with a
Dovenet. Everyone has a top hat with a Dovenet or at least everyone has a top hat whether they
necessarily put them in each other's up to them. But it's things that you know, it's
not magic. If you say give me your card, I'm going to put it in this extraordinary contraption
and put it in a machine that comes out and it's got two different lids on it. Exactly.
It's not that impressive anyway, because you're putting a pound coin in an object which looks a lot like a pound coin. Anyway, you screw it on, you open it and basically
it's got a false lid or a false bottom or something and you open it up and it looks
like it's not there, but it's clearly in there somewhere. That was one of the tricks they
did. The other one they did with the coin is a French drop that I got taught, which
is when you, as I understand it, you take a coin.
Henry, you know you say you were taught this, were they just taking coins off you?
Well, they said, Henry, we've got to keep running this Henry again and again.
That's how you become a magician. We've got to keep running it.
And you will need to ask Susan to pay you in pound coins from this point forward.
If you don't mind.
We've also got this trick, which involves a contraption, which looks a lot like a check for 7,000 pounds.
If you can give us a check for 7,000 pounds, we slip it in, you'll be amazed with the results.
Yeah, it was a bit like that. They taught me the French drop, which is you take a coin,
a bit like my football skills. You're a lot better the younger the opponent, I find. So
like up against like a toddler, for example, I'm really good at
football. Again, with the front with my French drop skills. If
you're at the toddling phase of life, this this will blow
absolutely blow your mind. But you basically show them the
coin. You get them to look at the coin, you go look at the
face on the coin or whatever. So they're thinking about the coin,
you then take it and you appear to put it you pay to hand it
from one hand to the other, we actually drop it into the hand.
So you do put it in the hand it appears to go in but just in a
different way.
Exactly. You then show it to them. It's not there.
Have I just have I got you?
So I'm going to do it right now in front of you live with
this slightly more grown up version. This is this disk of chorizo with this anti acid
tablet. Okay. Okay. So look at the anti acid tablet. Look at it. Yeah. Look at the face on it. I
actually etch King Charles's face into all of my acid
tablets. So look at the face on it. So I'm not going to take it
as an ordinary one. I'm gonna
go off camera for a bit. Yeah, it's kind of hard for me to line
up my hands using. Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna hand it from this
hand to this hand. Yeah. Okay, so gonna hand it from this hand to this hand. Yeah.
Wow.
Once it's dropped on the desk, near surface, I think that's just called the drop, isn't it? Rather than?
Yeah. That was the half Turkish drop.
No, so so sorry, I'll do it again. You hand it from this hand to this hand. You look at the first we get them to look at it. Look at it. Then
you drop it. I'm just gonna hand it from this hand to this hand. I know I've put it in the
action. I just put it in the hand I thought I was pretending. Yeah, which is what you
described. You both pretended to put it in your left hand and you put it in your left hand at the
same time.
Which is quite hard to do to be fair.
It's the ultimate double bluff.
Because what I've done is I've pretended to put it in his hand and secretly actually put
it in his hand.
I forgot on the basic logic of magic.
What is it again?
As I said I mainly do necromancy, I'm over this shit, I don't do this stuff anymore,
yeah?
Summoning a dead ferret, yes.
A vengeful ferret.
Any kind of ferret.
Space ferrets.
Space ferrets, oh yeah.
So hang on, it must must be I've literally forgotten
the logic Ben can you help I've got no idea what's happening and it I see a third I know
that's it that's it okay try again that's it I appear to take that's this is crucial
I appear to take so I get hit here's theid tablet. Look at it. Yeah. Then I then
then I pay to take it with this hand but I actually drop it.
That's right. Is it there? No, we can quite clearly see it
dropping into your palm of your left hand there. That's because
this is a control experiment. Oh, it's behind your ear.
So magic does work on podcasts. But I tell you what else is magic. Big agriculture. Big agriculture is a form of magic, isn't it? Because chickens go in, eggs come out.
What's the closest any of us have had to the experience of farming?
I once had a job planting cabbages.
Yeah.
Which has to be uniform distance between each other.
And it went, I can say, I hope you're planting cabbage seeds.
Planting cabbages is a bit, uh, the horse's bolted somewhat, I think.
I was planting cabbages because.
Oh, you're hiding them.
No, this was to test pesticide.
All right. So you actually were planting cabbages.
Yeah.
It wasn't, it wasn't to be consumed apart from by the caterpillars, which
we then put onto the cat onto the cabbages.
Bloody hell.
Yeah.
From a little container. It's sort of a chemical Bloody hell! Yeah, from a little container.
So you had a sort of chemical warfare job.
Yeah, basically. And yeah, so some of the cabbages were going to be treated with this
pesticides and some of them weren't and some of them were going to be using a different kind of weed.
We'd see how many, what the death rate I guess was of the...
Explains your translucent complexion, doesn't it?
It does.
Yes, I'm behind DDT. That was me. But it's a classic Bonjomind thing,ion, doesn't it? It does. Yes, I'm behind DDT.
That was me.
But it's a classic Bonjomind thing, that isn't it?
Because a lot of people, when they're young, try and get a band going or something, but
you were...
You wanted to get to grips with poisons, didn't you?
It was just a temp job I had, maybe for three days, and I just had to plant the whole field.
Okay.
And my main memory of it is, it was really nice and sunny, and and then I just fell asleep during lunchtime as a result of exposure to pesticides.
Do you think it may well have been to do with the chemicals?
Yeah.
How much protective gear are we talking?
Oh, none.
Just trusting the fresh air.
I remember you did have suppurating strawberry sized and coloured
boils, didn't you?
For a lot of you.
This was all pre-pet, so I was just laying the ground and they were going
to come and nuke it with the pesticide after I'd finished putting the
caterpillars on the, the cabbages.
How did you feel about those cabbages?
I think this is a bit of an origin story for Bonjun because did you, did you
feel any remorse for
these little things that we're about to get?
Listen, I was just thinking about the £6.10 I was getting paid an hour.
It's all about the green.
Saving up for a CD or whatever.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I don't actually remember feeling any kind of remorse to be honest, which is
quite bad,
isn't it?
Well, I mean, that's the thing about farms, isn't it?
You've got to be pretty...
Yeah, nature is red in teeth and claw.
It's kind of...
It's got to be pretty cold in a way.
I think that's why there's that whole image of the farmer as a rosy-cheeked, laughing,
happy idiot in a straw hat.
Isn't it? Because the interior is just cold steel. Just absolute cold steel. happy idiot in a straw hat.
Because the interior is just cold steel.
Just absolute cold steel.
Yeah.
I do think that farmers, and I mean this in a positive way, are a kind of different breed of human.
They're like a very, they've got a very different vibe.
They're kind of, their concerns are very different to the concerns of a non-farmer.
They're a kind of, they feel like a wholly different culture to the rest
of the country, I would say.
Cause they, they like get up at like 9 PM, don't they?
They get up comfortably before news night.
That's how early they go.
They pound a huge fry up, don't they?
First thing to this day, I believe.
I think even then, I think they have to, they have to have
been working for six hours.
So the fry up is before the slices of bread that are thicker than the loaves that we eat.
That's right.
So we're talking heartiness on a whole new level.
I mean, if you think, you know, hearty, you don't know we're talking like dozens
of eggs, slipping and sliding dozens of fried eggs, slipping and sliding all over
the, all over the floor, all over their laps.
I think you get sort of two kinds of farmer as well.
You get the kind of sort of Tory MP style sort of gentlemen farmer, I guess they'd call
themselves kind of, you know, nice big wellies, landed gentry, landed gentry type.
Yeah.
Old school Land Rover.
Wearing a gilet.
Yeah.
Um, all that kind of stuff.
Couple of bloodhounds.
Oh yeah.
Couple of bloodhounds in each room.
Barber jackets, everything's waxed, isn't it?
Everything needs, everything needs to be rewaxed every couple of weeks.
Every three weeks goes to sit in the Lords.
Yeah, exactly.
Lunch at the club.
Yeah.
And then periodically does a tour of the lands and estates and talks to the farming managers
who pretend to listen to what I say.
And then the other kind of farmer is a kind of trousers held up with string guy who regularly
breaks his arm but will reset it himself.
Just hard as nails, massive hands, the size of my head.
And heads the size of your torso.
Oh yeah.
Breeds children for the purposes of the workforce.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sees them as work units, much as they might a heifer.
And those are the guys I love.
I just think they're amazing.
Yeah.
And they can make a dry stone wall in half an afternoon. They can fix a combine harvester. I can do anything. They can kill anything. Well,
they can birth. They'll be birthing and killing in the same movement, the old birth and kill.
They're constantly flecked with mud and blood, aren't they? Mud, blood, birth, death, everything
that they're living. They're at the hard end, aren't they? They're at the sharp end of life, in
a way, aren't they? Life and death. They're right up in its guts. No sentimentality at
all.
But on the other hand, if you took them to like a theme park or a local shopping centre,
they'd just go bananas. They just wouldn't know what to do themselves.
Ask them to fill in a form and they were trying to eat the desk
And they'd probably make a good job of it I
Mean everything would have to be explained to them through analogies to do with birthing or killing in this
I'm not what I'm not saying Henry's that they're thick. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm just saying I wasn't saying
Well, you said that if they tried to fill in a form, they'd kill someone
I wasn't saying well you said that if they tried to fill in a form they'd kill someone
Why did he filling forms as you know, that's not intelligence But how must they feel if they go and see where their produce is used right if you were to take a lifelong
You know 18 generation farmer you to take them to somewhere where there's a
Cineplex and a bowling alley in it and a Burger King somewhere in there
They're looking at these this meat and these potatoes being presented to the modern.
How do you feel about that?
I don't know if it would be necessarily that satisfying.
There's an amazing film on iPlayer which won the Welsh BAFTA for best short film last year.
And it's a sort of 15 minute documentary about a man who's a farmer in Wales somewhere,
in the middle of nowhere, who basically never leaves his
valley and has only left a couple of times in his life.
He's never been to a city, I don't think.
Eats the same thing every day, which is like a boiled onion and some fish.
I think I've seen this, but he's not a farmer.
He's just living a kind of natural life without the internet and stuff.
Is that right?
No, he's a farmer.
Oh, he's a farmer. Okay. You're thinking of some sort of yoga twats who's decided to move without the internet and stuff. Is that right? No, he's a farmer. Oh, he's a farmer. Okay.
You're thinking of some sort of yoga twats who's decided to move to middle of nowhere.
Okay.
Who gave up their job in marketing and went to Pune for three weeks.
Yeah.
You're describing me. So, I'm essentially head of marketing for three beans salad to do the art. I do yoga and I'm
potentially going to go on holiday to Sri Lanka at some point.
The film is called Heart Valley. Okay. And it is online play and I would recommend it.
It's amazing. So he farms. He's a farmer. He's a sheep farmer. Basically, he's like
80 or something or certainly in the 70s. doesn't go anywhere, do anything apart from farm.
But the way he talks about it is very, um, he gets quite emotional talking about
how much he loves where he lives and what he does.
So do people take the meat off him and sell it in shops and stuff?
I don't think they take it off him. He's not being exploited by the local people.
He's interacting with, with meat, with meat distributors, butchers and so on.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just think I think you're over romanticizing this guy. He's a farmer who
sells his products and makes money off them. It's not like what was so magical about that? I mean,
can he do a downward dog while looking at a sunset?
Has he had a decent stab at a high Q recently?
Yeah.
So do you mean has he got a peloton?
Yeah.
He doesn't have a peloton.
No, but he does have a pelton a lot of the time because he'll wear pelts of animals that
he's he's slain.
So let's get him through the winter months.
This joke was added subsequent to the recording because it felt worth it.
And because as you'll see, it's slightly better than the joke that was made live at the time.
Now I'll leave you to get back to three bean salad.
He's got pellets.
He's got pellets.
All right.
He's got pellets.
All right. He's got pellets. All right.
As you ever, as you ever try putting a vegetable into a juicer, actually it works quite well.
It's not all about fruit.
And actually if you, um, roast your cashew nuts first, release a bit more flavor and you sprinkle them on top of them, a ponzi salad.
I'm not necessarily advocating for his way of life.
I'm just saying that it's
interesting that we live in a world in which, and a country in which there are still people who are
like that and who don't do much apart from farming their one area and stay there. And it's kind of
what they've done for the last 500 years. It's quite medieval, isn't it? It's sort of feudal,
sort of he's got his patch of land and that's what he does. But he sells it to big meat distributors and shops. I don't understand what's...
You're adding this bit in.
I just don't get what's so romantic about you just describing a man that sells meat.
Well I don't emulate this man.
Okay, but I'm gonna... let's meet halfway here, okay? We've both been unreasonable.
What? He sells meat to medium sized corporations. Is that a compromise?
That's a compromise.
Yeah. Argos.
Argos? Flat pack lamb leg.
So yeah, Ikea now do lamb legs where you have to put it together or you have to attach the viscera
to the bone. You have to attach the...
With an allen key.
Yeah, with an allen key. It's quite complicated.
Right, almost time to read our emails, but you've got a plug, Henry.
Yes, we've got a quick plug. So on the 5th of May, we three been sad, we're doing
a live show in the McCuntliffe Comedy Festival, aren't we? We are not off, but which I believe
is sold out. Is that right? Correct. On the Sunday, the fifth, after our gig, I'm doing
another gig at 2pm. And it's a live podcast recording called crushed. And it's me talking
to the fabulous Margaret Cable and Smith about about crushes. Yeah, it's a live podcast recording called crushed. And it's me talking to fabulous Margaret Cable and Smith about about crushes.
Yeah, it's a really good I mean, if you're if you're not in Mac to give the podcast listen
crushed is really good fun.
It's Margaret.
She's very funny anyway.
Yeah, Margaret, who's excellent talking to people about their sort of seminal crushes.
Yeah.
So that will be at 2pm on the fifth of May.
And the venue is called Owen Glenn.
Owen Glendor. Get on the McClinneth,
get on the McClinneth comedy festival website and get yourself your ticket booked.
Okay. Also while I'm at it, I'd like to do a shout out to Hugh in Hampstead.
He knows what this is about. I mean, how to do that?
Do you own money? Have you just ordered a murder?
Is that your way of activating the assassin?
That's the activation.
The Manchurian hue.
Yeah.
Are we allowed to do that?
Basically he's the guy in the public that gave me two pints and two packets of crisps
for free because he was a fan of the pod.
This is the beginning of a long slide to you just receiving more and more free gifts and
chatting people out. Corruption. And bungs. And bungs.
Eventually I'll have a private army led by Hugh. Armed with pretzels.
Armed with very, very sharp, very, very bitter pretzels.
Okay. So we're going to play our email jingle. Normally we'd play the version that I made,
but we're going to play a version sent in by Jay.
Thank you, Jay. And Jay writes, Jay's a musician,
and they write, I don't know where this came from, but I guess I wanted to create a short journey
from ambient slash chill out via hammer hay to the post-industrial nuclear apocalypse.
Well, that's quite a lot for one jingle, but let's see if they pull it off. Please. please. Baby! This represents progress
Like a robot shooting holes
Give me your loot
Beautiful horse Oh my god, that was so good. Yeah, that was very good. Tremendous. That was giving me
kind of like, Peter Gabriel, sort of style. Very much so. Yeah. Don't give up, because
you have. That one is he did with Kate Bush.
It was, it was portentous in that it had that kind of gravitas, didn't it?
It had the gravitas of Gabriel and the delicacy of Collins.
The delicacy of sweet, sweet Collins.
It's a bit like, I think that that jingle is a bit, it's a bit like Shakespeare, isn't it?
In that it can just be essentially the core writing is
so strong that it can be reinterpreted for new generations.
Thank you, Henry.
Yeah, they can do a different version.
They can do a version where the email jingle is set in fascist Germany.
Yes. I think that's the only thing ever is, isn't it? That's the only idea people ever
do with Shakespeare. It's that or a member of the isn't it? That's the only idea people ever do with Shakespeare.
It's that or a member of the Fiennes dynasty playing all the parts.
Yeah.
I'd love to see Ralph Fiennes' one-man email jingle.
Be very moving.
And of course, I've been trying to get off the ground for quite a while, but still haven't
yet is Swinware Macbeth.
Is this a bikini I see before me? My kingdom for a budgie smuggler! The turd in
the swimming pool at the feast? Not bad. All good stuff, it's all good stuff. All good
stuff. So it works better than others, take what you like. Rebecca emails from Browen upon C.
Long time listening to the pod.
I'm a big fan of the jingles.
The one exception to this was the email jingle, which I always interpreted as quite bloody
and morbid.
Until recently, I'd assumed that the robot was kidnapping the horse from its owner and
the noise of the what I now believe to be a horseshoe gun was actually the sound of
the horse being shot repeatedly by the robot. And the cry of my beautiful horse was the owner lamenting
the death of his beloved steed."
Again, this is like Shakespearean studies. This is like a conversation at a university
campus about, you know, you can interpret things in different ways. I love the debate
of it. I love it.
I always thought that this seemed quite out of kilter from the other jingles. Once I had
this interpretation, I couldn't see what else the narrative could be. It was only when a listener
sent in a different version of this jingle that I realized how wrong I was. Listening to this jingle
is much more of an enjoyable experience. Now I know I'm not listening to horse murder. All the best, Rebecca.
Okay. So Rebecca needed that sort of inspiring professor of Shakespeare to, to guide
them through the difficult texts.
We're in a world where Shakespeare himself is still alive effectively.
Well, that's it.
In our world.
So he can go straight to the horse's mouth.
Now you two, what do you think happens during the email jingle?
I mean, you never listened, Henry.
You just, you just check out.
Just don't care.
Just genuinely don't care.
What's your reading?
I've never thought about it.
My reading is that there's no, there's no equine fatality.
Okay.
The, uh, my belief always been is that the, the horse is anxious
about being hoofed by this robot.
Yeah.
But the robot, maybe it probably would look a bit severe from the outside, but
it does successfully re shot the horse.
Yeah.
I think maybe the horse even likes it.
And so when the man says my beautiful horse at the end, what's his motivation
and what's he actually saying?
What's the subject story saying?
He it's, it's, it's fear of new fear of the change.
Yeah.
And when this proud, proud Steve with its new, his new shoes, finding shoes.
Yeah.
Is it now going to love first and above all that the robot rather than the owner?
Yeah.
Okay.
You know, and how well, how, how will the owner explain what has happened
to his friend, the
farrier. That's a really interesting modern take on an old classic. And I'm
all for that. And to me,
well, for you, there's the horses in swimwear, right?
For me, yeah, for me, the horses in swimwear. That's quite a design
challenge, by the way, to get swimwear that works because of the...
What are you trying to cover up, I guess, is the question.
But they actually can't enter the high board diving competitions without swimwear, can they?
So someone's got to make it.
Yeah, lovely. I just love the way that every new generation has a new take on this stuff.
What I'm going to say is, as the keeper of the keys to the truth of the email jingle,
I'm going to keep my counsel for the moment. I'd be interested to see what other people's take on what's happening is.
I like mics and then maybe I will next series, I'll reveal what my intention was.
Wow.
So do email in.
By the way, I've come up with a, there was a riff that was happening earlier,
which I didn't maybe notice I didn't really take part in. I'm just going to quickly chuck my orange. Is this Esprit de Scaliae? This is
Esprit de Scaliae big time. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me a quid for the lockers.
I like it. Come on. Really nice. It was wrong play. Really nice stuff. Yeah. Wrong play.
From the only one who's actually got a degree in English. Never mind.
No, no, no. This is from...
The director's cut.
It's from Macbeth Origins. It's the play he did where all the universes combine.
Okay, so this email I'm going to anonymise. The email subject header is,
Congratulations, I found your name on some official paperwork at work. I have the terrible honour of working
in insurance in claims approval for a well-known UK-based car insurer.
Oh my god. Okay.
I'm writing today to let you know that three bean salad has been specifically named as
a contributing factor in an automobile traffic collision.
Of course I can't list the full details of the incident, as the clay me is another of
your listeners, but I can say that you caused so much mirth that someone laughed hard enough to have a coughing fit and crash
into the central reservation barrier on a major motorway.
Good God.
But it sounds like they're okay. I mean, you know.
That was my next question.
Yeah.
Well, although doctors have reported that they might be a bit funny in the head, but
that's because of what podcast they're in. So, and not because of a concussion injury.
Okay.
Yeah. So that's the email. So I guess,
Bloody blimmin' it mate.
I mean, in terms of, if they're in, you know, to that person who that happened to, obviously
I hope you're okay. Hope you'd hope that was all right. That sounds quite horrible. I'm
sure if you work for car insurance, you're not meant to, you're not meant to share this kind of information.
No, it goes against the, um, the insurers oath, doesn't it? Yeah. The blood oath that
all in people that work in insurance, the secret oath to swear.
So I actually emailed this person and said, are you sure we can read this out? And they
say there's not enough information in my email for it to be legally identifiable. Plus there
were no injuries or major damage reported either. So your conscience is clear. So that's good.
Apart from this doctor's report, which says there was a bit of a nasty case of side splitage
on some of these. He was laughing.
Yeah. Nice.
Anyway, what I will say is if there are any sort of legal ramifications around this particular
case, we have got a bent magistrate that we can lean on. So just do, you know, we just, yeah.
I think we just need to see the case scene in Northumbria or something.
I think it was Yorkshire.
The East Riding of Yorkshire. We'll check that.
But if it's on the grand roads of the UK, you can argue that they're all linked. I think
we could get them in front of the magistrate anywhere in the country. That magistrate is an absolute piece of work and they make
Judge Dredd look like Tony Robinson. And imagine Tony Robinson dressed as Judge Dredd because
that's what they make him look like. It's quite a sight.
Now I'm going to talk about some emails that I'm not going to read out, but I want to say
thank you for sending them. Essentially what happened in the last few episodes, I don't
know if you noticed, they got quite kind of pooing heavy. There was quite a lot of stories about
people sort of shitting themselves and all this kind of stuff.
I worry that the podcast is going in that direction.
It does that now and again. We occasionally will lurch scatological and we have to dig
ourselves out.
And the problem is it begets more of it.
It does.
So I've received a few emails this week.
I mean, I'm not going to read this one out because it's absolutely soul rending.
What is it?
Complaints or are they joining in the game?
They're joining in the game.
Basically we read out an email about a guy eating a certain kind of McDonald's meal,
which makes him shit himself.
Yeah.
And that seemed to open the gates to just people sending their own shitting of themselves stories. And the one I'm not
going to read out, but thank you Eric for sending it in, is about basically sort of
pebble dashing a golden toilet.
Like a Saddam Hussein military, is this a veteran of Iraq?
They compare it to Silvio Berlusconi's toilets.
They've used both toilets. So this has to be John Simpson, doesn't it? Who else has
had access to that level of toilets?
But I'm not reading out because I think it begets more and we go further down the U-bend.
Ben, I feel like you're asking us to beg you to read it.
No, no, not going to read out.
No?
Not going to read that. No, not going to read that. Should we add a new Patreon tier, which is full turd?
Where you get all this filth.
Um, also something we've got a lot of emails about, but I'll just read out one, um, about this.
Uh, this is a bollocking, uh, for me.
Accessing listener bollocking.
bollocking for me accessing listener bollocking.
bollocking loading.
bollocking loaded.
Um, we've had about 10 emails about this. This one's from George Lewis submitted olives as
last week's topic during proceedings. Henry suggested that a raw unprocessed olive would
probably be foul. And Ben quickly shot this idea down. It was saddening to see the obsequious
manner in which Henry submitted to Ben, especially knowing as I do that Henry was right.
Ah, thanks for being in my corner.
Eating an unprocessed olive is like eating a diesel soaked bullet.
Only through facidious lie curing do they become debittered and the wondrous food stuff found in
the fridge of provincial fathers and on the buffet tables of European hotels. Ben, please accept this
bollocking before things go any further. George.
That makes an olive one of those things where you have to wonder how did it first happen?
Who had the idea of sticking it in some vinegar for like three months?
And what did they try first?
Because it kind of been a major success on the first attempt, right?
What was the process?
They describe it as lye curing.
Yeah, you don't come up with that on a first try, do you?
No.
You lie curing.
It's the same goes, on top of that, back to farming briefly, the same goes for eggs.
Eggs is a classic one of like who, who thought let's try eating that, that thing that's come out of that chicken.
I don't know. I don't agree with that.
Okay.
There's no process. Just crack it, eat it.
What, raw egg?
Yeah. Can be done.
It would have, it would have had to go through loads of different, it would have evolved,
you know, loads of people who tried different things until someone found the frittata and it
worked. Next email.
Hang on. Is that accepted or, or no?
Yeah. Oh, you saw through my little ruse.
Oh I did. Yeah. Yeah. You're not blasting through that, Benjamin.
Well, on the basis that we literally received about 10 emails each saying,
I once tried to olive straight off a tree and it was horrific.
And everyone said that it tasted like a diesel soaked bullet, didn't they?
They did. Yeah. So that's Bolly King accepted.
Bolly King accepted.
By the way, does that mean if you were to take a diesel soaked bullet
and put it in vinegar for three months?
It'd be just as nice.
It would be just as nice as an olive?
Yeah, possible.
I assume so.
Jack emails, over the Easter weekend me and my family made a trip to Birdland.
I assume that's some sort of attraction.
Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Yeah, me too. Me too, Jack.
For those who don't know what that's about, there is a piece of music called Birdland,
right?
Yeah.
Weather report?
Weather report. Pretty good stuff. Sweet bass.
Yeah, sweet bass.
God.
Anyway, we took a trip to Birdland so we could, you guessed it, look at birds.
My four year old son loved it so much he kept going while me and my wife took turns for
going for a bite to eat.
I see, so the son wanted to keep inspecting birds, parents taking turns to go and nourish
themselves.
I was enjoying a hot dog when my wife phoned to update me to their whereabouts so I could
meet them afterwards.
We've just gone past the pelicans.
To the left of the penguins exhibit, said my wife.
The call was coming to an end.
We said our goodbyes and I heard my son say the most terrifying sentence I've ever heard.
What?
What's the matter Henry?
I've not followed any of this.
I've never seen Henry struggle to follow something to this degree.
What coal came to him? Was this whole thing a coal?
No.
What coal?
Okay, let's fix this. Jack is eating a hot dog. Why is the hot dog detail in there? Because
a hot dog is such a kind of...
It's Chekhov's hot dog.
It's Chekhov's hot dog. Is it a red herring? It's not a MacGuffin.
It's not a MacGuffin.
But a hot dog is such a kind of vivid concept.
You know, a sausage in a bun.
Especially in an area teeming with birds.
Yeah, it's so...
I don't know, it's really distracting me, the hot dog.
We just forget that.
Okay, well I'll doctor the story for a bit.
So, I was enjoying my lunch. Okay. Or make it a chicken dog, like a chicken burger, something birdie. Okay.
Fine. Something less enticing from an aerial viewpoint. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Cause it'll
be swarming with birds. That's like the hot dog. I was enjoying my grouse and egg muck
nuggets when my wife phoned to update me to their whereabouts so I could meet them after
I'd finished my food.
Okay, good.
Understand?
Very good, yeah.
She then says, we've just gone past the pelicans to the left of the penguins exhibit.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
The call was coming to an end and as we said our goodbyes, I heard my son say the most
terrifying sentence I've ever heard.
My face fell and my hot dog went cold
as I could hear my son-
No, not the hot dog!
My face fell and my grouse n' egg mcnuggets went cold as I could hear my son cheerfully
declare, Welcome to the flightless bird zone.
No please not my face!
Shit.
That is a real like Spielberg directed Jurassic Park kind of horror moment because down the
phone line.
And the line goes dead.
Yeah, he doesn't say, but I assume the line just goes to boop.
And then do you finish the hot dog? You probably do if you're halfway through a hot dog.
Well, Jack writes, I made it there as fast as I could. And thankfully both my wife and
son had survived their face to face meeting with death. And we went to the gift shop and
bought a lollipop. Yours, Jack. Close call though,
isn't it?
Close call. Happy ending.
Really frightening that. Yeah. And also that lolly would have been a nice little, um, palate
cleanser after the hot dog. Wouldn't it? I don't know if that was probably for the kid.
But either way.
It'd be pretty weird dad move, wouldn't it, to go to the gift shop, buy a lollipop
for yourself, deny you went to your child and then get in the car.
Because he didn't even get a hot dog.
He's starving this kid.
Sounds like the kids into birds though.
I think that's cool.
Big time.
Yeah.
To identify a Rhea at that age.
I don't think, yeah.
Yeah.
It may have been labelled though, of course, if it was a bird exhibit.
Might have been wearing a name badge. Hi, I don't think yeah. Yeah. It may be labeled though, of course, if it was a bird exhibit.
I've been wearing a name badge. Hi, I'm Maria.
As you can see from my lanyard.
What is Birdland exactly? I'm like a I'm like a hoof doctor in Birdland. I'm a total waste of space around here. That'd be
quite a good phrase. Birdland is Birdland Park and Gardens in Burton on the Water in
Gloucestershire. That's quite, I mean, I can get there. That's in my neck of the woods
almost. Looks good as well. They've got flamingos. Yeah, I'll see you down there Ben. See you
there. Should that be technically flightless birdland I'm assuming? It's got all different
kinds of birds. They're all flightless I'm guessing. No I think I've been saying the
opposite of that. What are you Ben? Name one of those birds that's flighted. Owl. Have
they got owls on the list? They've got a section of birdland called the Parliament of Owls.
I tell you what, we'd be better off in this country if it was a bunch of...
I what?
Really old, round faced...
Oh, hello.
Here we go. Fluffy old, old round face. Mouse eating. Mouse eating. Pellet
coughing up. Taloned. Nocturnal. Old gits. Hanging around in a big room. I forgot how
it works. I think we now do more unsuccessful, we now do more unsuccessful switcheroo than we do
success. It was very late in the recording for you to risk a switcheroo.
That's a, it's a high energy joke.
I get very in, I get very in my own head when I'm doing a switcheroo.
Do you know what I mean?
It's, I have the same thing with hill starts in a car.
I get just, I overthink it and I then end up wrecking the clutch.
I could see you burning out your mental clutch during that.
I was burning my mental clutch out.
And finally, Mel from Tom.
Hello, Tom.
Hi, Tom.
In series one, episode four, Deep Cut, at 21 minutes and 18 seconds,
Mike expresses a desire to go on board a submarine.
I have just returned from Chatham Historic Dockyard in Kent where it is possible to tour
HMS Ocelot, an O'Bourne class diesel-electric sub launched in 1962, decommissioned in 1991.
Fantastic day out. Highly recommend. Regards, Tom.
Interesting. Thank you, Tom. Had a very difficult gig in Chatham many years ago. Swore I'd never
return. So I'll be breaking an oath.
But what if you were to
go to HMS Ocelot turn it round and then start firing a punch atom? There we go. The Ocelot
has turned against us. Birdland first and then away we go. What a day out. It's time to be the Ferryman Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.
Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad and free episodes,
bonus episodes. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike in the
Sean Bean Lounge. And Mike, you were there last night, weren't you? Oh, you better believe I was.
Sure. It was, it was you can do whatever you want as long as it rhymes night, wasn't it?
Is that a nightmare? Thank you Henry. So it was. Here's my report. Sorry
mate. Absolute hospital pass.
Sean Bean lured Clive Truman down a ravine last night at the Sean Bean Lounge because
it was of course you can do whatever you want as long as it rhymes night.
The Corby clan made a celebratory flan out of pieces of Rachel Elise's Smartest Fleeces,
Brian's from Brian's Teetering Lion, and Sticky Grits from Vicky Fitzgerald's imperiled
cross-channel fairy courtesy of Megan Cherry.
Andrew Stewart knew it was Luz who does the instructions for David Penfold's special mould for Clones of James Holmes, but this year got Alice Jack
to rewrite them on horseback, creating a tacky Ian Blackie doing a roly-poly over John Foley.
Ronak Maas took a tour of Sean Bean's abattoirs, John Davies joined the Lithuanian and Portuguese
navies, Tom S. lanced an abscess on Joshua Bratt's pet gnat, and Michal Evans played
Bean-style rugby sevens with Ben Raffdogg-Rafferty's Cavatry, Joey Raymond's Shaman, Esther Kate Cheshire's High Pressure Thresher, Kim Em's
Condemned Flem, Rosie Boland's Angolan Bowl and Patrick O'Connell's Geriatric Pommel Horse,
versus Josephine Pamint's well-meant Tashkent track event organisers. Patrick Rhyme's Maritime
Crimes engulfed Ranolphe and led Rachel Tate's least favourite mate rowing Steve Owen into the
jaws of Laurie Eagle's man-eating sea beagle. Stephanie Hutt accidentally cut Colin Cakebread's fake head, sliding down
the conduit for handsome domesticated oxen, aka Punky McDonald's hunky yak funnel. Faust
is fat, banned ostentatious hats. Richard Ayliffe washed a bailiff, while Becky Triff
took a whiff of Neil Griffith's scratch and sniff hieroglyphs.
Alan Martin was darting past Jack Hart when David and Sissy Hardy's Picardy Spaniel bit
Daniel Andrews' Chicken Nether Shoes and Mistaking Rhys Latham for Jason Statham's
piano tuna.
Adam Warren Walden called on Goodgammon's Warrior Monk Salmon to stick Lloyd Evans'
DVD of Ocean's Eleven with Alex Mitchison Hopkirk's Sacred Dirk.
Ben Cordray baked three lasagnas at the behest of Josephine Peay and included a layer of
Alex Humm the French horn player, mints from Liz Remandaban's prize-winning lamb, Josh Morgan's lesser-used organs, a book
found in Ryman's by Duncan Tyman about Mungo Butterball's gutter haul including Tom Winter's
splinter, Alison Wright's sofa mite, and George Garside's wide-eyed papier-mache
bride, and of course Tom Ralph's puckered mouth as a garnish.
Other vibes in the lounge included Taylan going Venezuelan, Raph Clarkson enjoying vicarious
arson at Gavin Kernow's Cornish Inferno, Charlie Mack tying Steve Wheatley neatly into a barley
sack, Mike Evans using Brian Adams' Heaven to serenade Artie Muskcrack Frog in Sean Bean's
brand new Bolivian-style bog, David Meadows dressed as a primrose pharaoh's mummified
elbows and Lara reenacting the Battle of Sekigahara.
And special praise goes to No Need Thanks For All The Beans, who fashioned a pair of tweed Spanx by artificial means. Thanks all.
Okay, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one
of you. This is from Robert.
Thank you, Robert.
He says, For my sins, I'm a composer. And I wondered what your theme tune might sound
like if it'd been written by some of the great composers.
Bit of a cuss?
2024 is the 40th anniversary of the movie Amadeus, so I thought I'd start with Mozart.
Please find attached a version of your theme tune
in the style of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Very nice, thank you and thanks all for listening.
Fantastic, thank you very much.
See you next series.
Oh yes, the end of the series.
Is it the end of the series? Yeah. Yeah. We've not
done a little we've done on our usual series recap. Oh, well,
does matter. Gone. Bye. Bye. So Thank you.