Three Bean Salad - Interim non-episode anti-episode-isode
Episode Date: February 7, 2024No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until March).Join our PATREON at patreon.com/threebeansalad for bonus episodes....
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Hello, we're not here. This is a non episode. Hello. Hello. There are no beans in the room.
There is no episode currently occurring. Uh-oh. Null episode. Yeah, we're having a
shop door sign that's been flipped over to say back in a month. Yeah. We've just popped out back in just popped out back in a month. And you think,
well, when did they actually flip it? That's the trouble those signs, isn't it? They go
back in 10 minutes starting when? Yeah. And the only other thing I get that with is cats
that say lost signs that say lost cat. Yeah. How do you know if it's still lost? Right.
Yeah, I know what you mean. Basically, I've got this fear, which is,
I'll find the cat, I'll see the cat on the poster, lost cat,
I'll find it, I'll see it on the street,
I'll go, there it is, grab it.
It'll start suckling.
Yeah.
Good.
It thinks you're its mother.
Exactly.
And then it's bonded to me.
I once found a budgie.
As a child.
Okay. And you called the lost budgie.
There was, and you called the number that was a lost budgie.
Was there a lost budgie poster?
So this is when I was very young, I was staying at my
grandparents' house and a budgie was on their washing line in the
garden.
And so we just hanging to dry upside down with a peg on it.
And so he just hanging to dry upside down with a peg on it. And so we took it inside and then I think we rang the local radio station. And they said they sort of mentioned it on the radio and then a woman heard it and it was hers.
It was her budget.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's a different era, isn't it?
Because these days you have to go on Nextdoor app, wouldn't you?
You'd put it on Nextdoor app and then just be
loads of people talking loads of absolute shite.
Have you noticed on Nextdoor?
Either of you on Nextdoor, you must be.
I joined it and I looked at it and then for
about four minutes and I said,
I'm not never going on this again.
Basically, I've been on Nextdoor app a few times.
I tried to tell most of the content,
I'd said any over half of the content is someone talking
about how they've discovered a beheaded cat, like a cat's head.
Oh my God.
And it's like, what kind of a sick monster beheads cats?
And that's most of the content.
I think this is specific to your area, Henry.
Well, weirdly, as I move around, there always seems to be a cat beheader in the...
No, I think... But most of it is cat stuff. And a lot of it is someone's found a cat head. And
it's very, very sad and tragically, cats get run over and then foxes actually have at the corpse.
And they'll be a cat head lying around. But there isn't a cat beheading serial killer.
Yeah. I think in our local area, there's a lot of people saying that they saw someone
who they think might be wanting to seal your dog.
But not that their dog was stolen.
There's a lot of dog theft panic.
In fact, there was a...
I didn't listen to it, but I saw on the radio this morning on Five Live, there was a classic
phone in topic, which was pet theft.
How bad is it or something? So there's all,
I think when there's a slow news, I mean, not that it's particularly slow news at the moment,
but I think maybe...
But it doesn't always have to be slow news for someone on the radio station or whatever
to decide it's slow news enough to talk about the risk.
And pet theft, the switchboards will light up. I mean, everyone has got a view on that in this
country pretty much.
Let's mobilise. There'll be so many views on pet... Yeah, I saw some litter in a park the other day which looked like it could easily have been discarded by a potential pet thief. I mean,
you look at the placement, it was near a park, do I need to say anymore? We've got an epidemic of
pet theft. I mean, this is how they could solve the recruiting crisis in
the military. Couldn't they at the moment, you know, picture a
potent picture a potent stealing a dog.
Poto wants to steal the old cockapoo.
Yeah, people would join up in their drives.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cockapooten.
That could be the poster.
I mean, was there any suspicion might when you bought Pam that
Pam might have been hot?
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Good girl, Pam.
Good girl, Pam.
Oh, Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam.
Pam. Pam. No. Pam. Pam. Bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
No, do that, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Mercifully, no, we went to the source.
We went to Cowbridge, which Ben will know.
Yeah.
Posh South Wales.
Local well to do area.
Yeah, and there was the guy that got it.
He had the full gear.
He had the full, they were proper, quite smart, nice kennels.
We met Mum and Dad.
It was clear what was going on.
It's quite nervous meeting the dad, actually. The dad, her father was her biological father, I should say. Because you're her real father.
But that handshake with the biological dog father is a tough one, isn't it?
It was a tough one. Did he give you a good scream?
We put each other in the eye and it was...
I was giving you a good scream.
You wanted to know that I had a firm pour, too.
Only then was he going to trust me
with this. Yeah. Prudently. There she is now. She doesn't talk about it. He was a behemoth.
Really? Yeah. To the point where we're like, we're in a bit of a, oh God, what have we done?
And we're going to handle this. Ex-military? Or... Yeah.
We're still wearing all the gear. Yeah. Green beret. He's a green beret visually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still wearing all the gear.
Yeah.
Green beret.
Here's a green beret visually.
Yeah.
It's off Hugo Banzer outfit.
Yeah, three sashes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
An abrasive pistols.
So you, Pam is pedigree?
Is she a pedigree dot?
I don't think so.
I don't know what that means really, necessarily.
She just is like a breed that has been around
for quite a long time and is a breed
and has been adapted to.
Visuals.
Freddie, you know, they've been knocking them out for a bit.
I mean, man's had a hand in, you know,
the existence of the wirehead, visual, of course they have.
I think that breed's been fairly steady for a while.
It's quite weird, isn't it? The idea that these different dogs
have different functions. And it's normally like, one of them
would, would like catch the duck, the other one would hold the
duck's wings apart, you know, down and the other one would
behead the duck.
One is a hypoallergenic sous chef that specializes in ducks.
One seasons the duck.
They're all like just different parts of this horrible duck
murder. Lovely cute dogs that we all love. They're really,
really sweet. They just trained just duck killers.
And create an incredible plum sauce.
Yeah. That's what Bassett Hounds do. They mix the plum
sauce with their big ears. It's true. Because what's a viscillament to do?
Like pointer, yeah, pointer, hunter.
So the pointer literally points to where the duck is.
That's where the duck is, yeah, yeah.
It's so weird the way so many of these problems were solved with dogs.
Why aren't we now making a breed of dog that takes the bins out?
Exactly.
That's true for the modern era. Or, you know, runs a decent IT system for a post office. You better off with
a dog than Fujitsu. Yeah. I tell you what, I actually trust a shard go for shiatsu rather
than Fujitsu. shits is kind of massage.
No, I will have to, yeah, massaging the figures.
Beautifully done.
Very well navigated.
We're not here. This is not an episode.
Yes. This is our month off. We'll be back in March.
Yeah.
I mean, in the meantime, if you're looking for some
more bean action and you haven't joined the Patreon, might be a good idea, go to patreon.com.com.
4-3 Bean Salad, where there are now hours and hours and hours and hours of extra bits that
we've recorded over the years. In fact, we'll put a little clip here from the most recent
version of our Patreon bonus episode, Extra Beans. So enjoy.
our Patreon bonus episode, Extra Beans. So enjoy.
The thing is, we don't actually want to know about the
intricacies of celebrities, real lives and real hobbies.
Because it ruins it.
I wouldn't have wanted to know, or whatever, that David Bowie was,
you know, collecting, like, monocles. You know what I mean?
No, totally. Exactly. No, saying I caught this my monocles. You know what I mean? No, totally. Exactly. No, same. I call this my monocle attic.
Come in.
That's good. That's that's yeah.
And sometimes pop stars like mega pop stars say something that
like gives away that they're real or like more human and I don't like it.
So for example, I remember Paul McCartney in an interview a couple of years ago saying that he
liked watching Mock the Week. Oh, God, no! Why? Exactly. You shouldn't be watching Mock the Week.
You should be sort of hanging out in a New York loft apartment with the ghost of Andy Warhol.
Shouldn't own a telly at all. own a projector maybe a projector that can sort of can only play special weird sort of 9 millimeter
from experimental
Latvian movies exactly
My favorite bit is when it's called world's worst they have to go up and pretend to say something
that you're more
That you're more saying it elift or whatever, but what's to you? I think you've tried to scale before have you that's it went it went strongly West Midlands very quickly
Yeah, we went from Paul McCartney's a naughty holder
It huddled south and east
Incredible speed. I think you could have got to cock me if you don't know the 10 seconds and eventually Belgian
10 seconds and eventually Belgian.
Obviously everyone could use cows.
I'm actually making no problem here.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Wow. I've nailed that.
The Beatles have their own sort of accent.
You again, straight into Dudley.
How do you do, Paul McCartney?
So my favorite bit about her.
I love this.
My favorite. How do you do, Paul McCartney? So my favourite bit about her. What? I love this. My favourite bit?
So what's the scout?
So Paul McCartney kind of sounds like...
Yeah, you know. So it's me and...
So I was telling you, I was telling you...
Stevie Wonder, I've gone wrong this time.
I was telling you I was going to go the other day, actually.
My favourite bit.
My favourite bit in Rotary World. What have you been through all this hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It was quite heavily bombed during the Second World War. Come on, come on, come on. I think what I'd actually did, so much acid in the 70s,
is if my entire vocal chords effectively moved to commentary.
That's why I sound like this now.
It's extraordinary.
Imagine you're in a lift ride to the things that you would say, right?
So there would be things like...
You're losing West Midlands now.
That's amazing.
There would be things like, I'd like to go to the fourth floor,
I hope no one does a piss.
That kind of thing, right?
But this imagine what you wouldn't say.
Yeah, we're in Zepsis.
We're in Adelaide.
We're safely in Adelaide.
Admittedly, somebody spent quite a long time abroad, I think,
and maybe went to an international school,
but definitely Adelaide.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I need to.
So I'm going to work on my McCartney.
Oh, please do.
Yes.
I'm going to come back with McCartney next week. I was sort of fairly confident gonna work on my McCartney and I'm gonna go please do yes I'm gonna come back with a McCartney next week
I was sort of fairly confident that I could do a McCartney, but I think you've now
Drag us all so far away from it. It would be impossible
But you're right the fact that Paul McCartney's in the pool put into mop the week that kind of thing is so yeah
You don't want them on the same level do you don't want them? He shouldn't know who Hugh Dennis is no
He should not know and that's no disrespect to the great Hugh Dennis.
No, no. Exactly. But we live in we should live in different spheres.
So imagine David Bowie going, yeah, so, so I don't just keep monocles up here, I also
keep my Hugh Dennis prints. So these are a collection of different prints I've made of Hugh Dennis's Using different technologies. Oh, yeah.
I heard Hugh Dennis on the radio.
That's good.
The star man is Hugh Dennis.
The star man is, he's waiting in the sky.
The idea of watching, like using a special, using a special cream to clean his monocles.
So I use this special, special cream, which I get online.
And that means that the monocles, if you use a traditional glass window lean, for example,
it actually, the monocles become slightly faded, whereas I use this special cream that I buy off
an American man online. And then watching him bend over and polish it, that'd be so sad. I'm so glad
we never had to see that. But I think a monocle collection is the kind of whimsical, slightly
off the wall thing
that people would quite like Paul McCartney or David Bowie to be doing.
It's better than Mock the Week, isn't it?
Like, what if he was really into collecting like Yankee candles?
Or what are they?
They're a sort of candle brand.
Or, you know, if he was really into like getting as many boots advantage points as he could.
Or those bath bombs.
Yeah, but really into bath bombs.
He's always down lush every Saturday afternoon.
Down lush getting another bath bomb can't help himself.
There's a bath bomb!
I tell you what, finishing the production on Abbey Road made me feel pretty special.
But I tell you what, it's that minty feeling.
Because what I like over the minton rhubarb.
And when that starts dissolving around my crotch and legs, I feel so special.
I close my eyes. That legs, I feel so special. Close
my eyes.
That's full as a laden.
No. But the thing is, I don't like the fact that like, you know, Bon Jovi now collects
medieval axe heads.
So if you want more of that kind of thing, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.
Lovely. Right. We'll see.com.com.com.com.
Lovely.
Right.
We'll see you in March.
Happy February.
We'll see you in a month.
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