Three Bean Salad - James Bond
Episode Date: January 17, 2024“Frankly, 007, I don’t give a damn!” That’s right, this week’s topic, courtesy of Diogo of Lisbon, is James Bond. We’ve all seen the movies, sure. But has the world actually taken the time... to just stop for a second and listen to what some blokes have to say about them?With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Just readjust the elephant in the room.
Yeah, a Cormin.
The elephant who's rang a fedora and playing a clarinet.
So this is a Pompadou feud. And now it's time for...
Pompidance section.
Pompidance.
Normally we record at the hours of about 10-20...
Yeah.
Is it going to be normally kick off in the morning?
Yeah. The arranged time is 10 o'clock. The arranged time is 10 o'clock.
The arranged time is 10 o'clock.
It's been subsiding towards 1030.
I've passed two and a half years, isn't it?
We're currently at 1020.
What happens when we reach 1030?
1030 will be fine.
It's when we reach 1020 the next day,
it's like when you finish Pac-Man, it just crashes.
It's like that kiddie finished Tetris.
Yes, I saw that, you've seen that.
Yeah, so it crashes and an American 12-year-old somewhere
starts losing their shit.
We finished, I finished the beans.
The beans are finished, Mom, Mom, the beans are finished.
I can't believe this.
I stuck it out till the end.
But I've seen that.
Have you not seen that?
No.
There's a kid who finishes Tetris.
And basically, 80s computer games,
the way they ended was, it crashed.
We never meant to get that far in Tetris basically.
Was it the arrogance of the program makers?
They just didn't think it could be done.
Is that the idea?
Exactly.
It just gets a point where, and you're all the scores
are going round within the digi system of an 80s computer game,
well, it's a bit like the Millennium Bug, but for real.
Is it once everything hits nine,
it just, it can't, once the numbers can't carry on anymore,
it can't work it out.
It just sort of, well, it crashes.
It does what the Millennium Bug was supposed
have done to planes and stuff, doesn't it?
It just goes, just, and freezes.
And then the kid starts freaking out.
Yeah.
In a way that's a bit distressing.
A bit distressing, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh my god.
Is this happened very recently?
Has this been documented?
This isn't like a thing from the 80s or something.
It's only happened recently and it shouldn't be able
to happen like this guy.
This kid's like nerve endings are different
in order for this to happen.
Do you know what I mean?
It doesn't have how quickly he's operated.
Because you see his last few moves,
and the way he's manipulating that rectangular piece,
it's like an American cheerleading with a bat on,
and he's like,
oh wow.
There's a speed with which he spins it
and can adjust it and stuff.
Had a visit from the CIA,
he's been taken to some lab somewhere in Nevada,
and his spine has been removed
and put into a robot.
Yeah, safekeeping.
And he's just been kept in that moment at all times.
Yeah.
If he moves beyond that moment, he will crash.
He's kept in that moment and he can be deployed as the ultimate weapon at some point.
And he's just got to work out what that weapon is.
Yeah, exactly.
And who it'll work against.
The irony will be it will be against the Russians who create a Tetris himself.
When Russia starts dropping rectangles and cubes
Under Washington
That's not hard to crack him out
There was a film recently wasn't there about the Tetris story
That's not the music from Tetris. That's not the music is it that's manic minor I think or or another similar guy
Is there a patient in the wolf you doing the music from Peter in the wolf.
Oh, I'm not sure.
Peter in the wolf. Don't don't don't don't don't very weird things. Come again, come again, come again, come again.
Does he begin speaking in tongues?
It's a bit like what I tried to do that pomegranate impression.
And you were possessed.
Yeah, that was possessed.
And I think what's happened is he's,
because in life you're never supposed to truly attain the thing and it's about traveling,
is it? It's about being on the way to something.
Oh, he had the ultimate experience of the arrival fallacy,
or whatever it's called.
He experienced the arrival fallacy,
which is all that happens at the end of Tetris'
the cube stopped coming down.
Any of the coffee that's gone cold.
Yeah, but that's what I was impressed by,
because it's been me and I had done it.
And this is what's meant to happen,
is it finishes and then you just feel nothing,
you feel like a deep, deep emptiness
that you've never felt before.
Yeah.
And you just look into the middle distance.
But instead, the kid does start going insane,
like it's amazing feeling.
Like, oh my God, oh my God.
Whereas in any small way that I've ever achieved anything,
you don't feel that, do you just go, there we are.
So you do think that's an effect of responses.
You're just trying to delay the emptiness.
Is he, where does he coming?
It's a possibility.
It knows that the abyss is creeping up on him.
Oh, it's coming.
And he's trying to fight the abyss.
Is that all he's done to?
Cubes of emptiness are going to start falling
from the sky in different shaped cubes and rectangles.
And landing on him wherever he goes.
And he will not be able to stack them neatly
and disappear by landing them up in rows.
Is there a few too many of them
and a lot of them will be metaphorical?
And he won't have a system for that
and have to talk that through
with one of his four therapists.
He'll have a Jungian and Antihunian, a post-Freudian and a physiotherapist as well.
You can't be that much tetras and that sort of thing.
There's no way he can actually do that.
Specializing in sums, his hands will be all over the shop.
I didn't think he can.
Because we are in a way, we're all a shape, aren't we?
That we seek to fit into the world. I didn't even, because we are in a way, we're all a shape, aren't we, that we seek to fit into the world.
Oh my God.
What?
So I didn't think he could control his own physical body shape. So actually, if that,
if that video's in, it's kind of convulsing his knees, sort of.
Yeah, it's quite disturbing.
Anyway, the part we were making was to do with the fact that what, what the time is basically,
it's normally 10 past 10.
I see.
It's currently 1849
IE the jazz hour
Steamy jazz infused night alabane on anecdotes Henry Peckup
Went to sorry recently for the first time doing this, just warming up.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's banjo benpudrid. Dude, papo bomb.
Bumpio bomb.
Bumpio bomb.
Bumpio bomb.
And your cocktail waiter for the night.
It's my, my wasn't it.
It's both over.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's different vibe, isn't it?
Different vibe.
It already feels quite different, a bit languid,
but after hours, it's been.
After hours, Mike is wearing a dinner jacket
with just the bow tie undone,
rakeishly tumbling around his neck.
Yeah, that's right.
He's wearing his moustache
at a rakeish animal.
Yeah, also draped, draped across my neck.
Yeah, and draped across his neck.
Fully unfold.
Ben's got the bean machine,
sloughing in the bath. How many of was so dracored across his neck. Fully unfurled. Ben's got the bean machine,
sloughing in the bath.
How many of the most?
You draped across the edge.
Couple of candles.
Let's see on the side there, Ben.
Ben is as close as he ever gets
to being disconnected from the bean machine,
which is,
so evening, slosing,
the Vespatine slosing.
The Vespatine slusing is going on.
Obviously, Ben can have a fully disassociate himself
from it physically,
can he say, there's still the tendrils.
There's a mix of wires, springs, some of them a flashy spring.
It's hard to know which ones are.
Yeah.
Fleshy, which ones are?
There's my new fiber optic spine.
Thank you to the guys from BT for that.
It's hard to see, he's feeding some sort of orifice of a pepperoni pizza, which
is hard to say.
That's right.
He's not even cutting it up.
We don't normally talk about the orifice, do we? But it feels like because it's after hours,
well, it's hard to know if it's an any or an outie. So to speak,
and in orifice wise, and whether it's okay to ask, really,
it's got the person now, if you had to say, I had a
person, I've got the personality of an angry cloaca,
but it ingests it, degestes it, it sprouts things and it makes a kind of,
what it says, kind of hideous vac, sort of vacuum sucking. Yeah, most mostly sucking light.
Yeah, we're actually tonight works well because helping create the kind of lovely bit,
lovely bit of shadow on there. We've got a carousque, a partridge, and we wish you don't often see.
But yeah, it feels like one of those jazz bars
where it's like no one here is with their own spouse or partner.
There's one of those nice.
Everyone's, you know, there's no rules really.
Everyone's with a different diplomat's daughter.
Exactly.
And there's a lot of nougar flying around.
It's nougat.
It's nougat diplomatic gifts, isn't it?
The daughters are brought with them.
Inspecial nougar them. Inspecial newgar bags.
Inspecial news.
It's got very much the number one gift these days, isn't it?
Of the diplomatic class.
It really is.
Hard newgar, soft newgar.
That's right, nut free newgar.
Secret Toblerones.
Yeah.
Just nut newgar.
Novelty newgars for people who like the cultural attaches,
those guys.
It's a kind of night where it's like, look guys, there isn't a fire exit.
Who cares? You know what I mean?
You'd be so slammed within five minutes, you'd be able to use one if there was once
over it. Taken out and replaced with more new car, more exposed brick.
What's the phone?
New car walls.
Some of it's bricks on its new cars.
It's one of those nights. Oh yeah.
And introducing our guest of honor who built that wall this evening is that kid that completed
Tetris.
Here he is.
He's Tetrising all the new guards falling from the ceiling.
Don't look in directly in the face because he now has the it's the saddest face to
the world.
Please don't look in directly in the face.
If he sees your face, he will find there is a typical anti-face and he will slot your face
into that anti-face.
He'll slot it straight in.
Within a second flat.
That's right.
And he'll play that little Russian bit of music, won't he?
He'll play that too.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Old comfort, knowing that your face will always and forever now be linked to its equal and opposite antiface for the rest of your days.
Unless you can stack up enough other faces and antifacers on top of yours until you crash.
That's the best thing that could happen for you.
Or unless you can wear a protective new gar mesh over your face.
Your face is mine, your face is mine, your face is mine, your faces mind, your faces mind, your faces mind, your faces mind.
Now, if I collect enough faces, then maybe I can go to places with friends.
Maybe I can complete humans.
So look, it's very different about I...
Well, here's a sound you don't often hear on the podcast or ever hear.
Oh, you got your empty milk bottle.
Oh, is that a drinks trolley?
It's a melody on the knee-drink section.
Good lord.
I've thought I've got some beers.
Is that okay?
You got some beers for the...
Ben's got beer.
Oh, I might crack...
What do you think?
Crack a beer.
Well, yeah.
Is that okay?
What's going on?
Oh, the sun's passed the yard.
I'm here and you're in your own home.
It feels quite... jazzy.
It does feel quite jazzy. Yeah. Well, yeah. Is that okay? What's going on? Well, the sun's passed the yard. I'm here and you're in your own home.
It feels quite jazzy. It does feel quite jazzy. It feels a little bit wrong.
I would also be, I think the phrase is, doing balloons throughout.
So that's, say, a mixture of ketamine and poppers. That's your own personal little.
But delivered into a sort of marsup all pout on your left arm. Yeah. There's one of the few positives
of the of the bean machine. It is they've even have a
musselpular patch without having to decide which you can
you can lift up and then doctors can put drips in it. But
there's also you've got USB C adapters on there. Firewire
yeah. Firewire and you actually you've got a
scarlet. Scarlet old fashioned scarlet. You've got firewire. And you've got a scar lead. A scar lead, no passion scar lead.
You could come back around in, could come back around again.
We don't know.
Don't get rid of those cables.
You keep it, you might as well.
Bushing the after-digit, you know, in the post-apocalypse years,
it could be that scar is one of the only things that they can't hack.
It could be the only way we can watch dirty dancing.
The empty apocalypse comes.
Just watching dirty dancing over and over again,
eating our way through our new garfortras.
Knowing that every brick week from the new garfortras means
that we're actually less secure.
All right, it's a trade off.
Yeah, we're cut.
Is the irony wall, isn't it?
The irony wall is feeding us in yet.
And yet, so I'm going to put wall. It's feeding us in the head. And yet.
So I'm going to put these other three beers in the fridge.
So you've gone for, I think, if I can see correctly, that's beer and meretti.
Yes, beer and meretti.
So I know a little bit about that.
I choose this one because I like the green hat on the man.
So not all beers have a green hat on the man.
A lot of them don't have any man.
Or a hat. Some do have a mixture of both for one or the other.
This one's got both.
It's got a man and a hat.
And I like the hat.
So.
And he's got a kind of alpine vibe as well as me, which is,
is it alpine?
I've always thought, is he not on a time?
It can be both, can you not?
I was using Italian detective.
Could he not have been Italian alpine detective?
He could be an alpine detective.
He's from the Tyrol.
Nice.
He's from the Tyrol. Yeah. He's from the Tyrol.
Yeah.
He might be from the area initially where I've talked about this
and the pod where I went on a skiing holiday
and I got a bit of cigarette in my pizza.
We've talked about this and the pod.
That was Alpine, that was Alpine, isn't it?
Yeah.
Could've been that guy.
Could've been that guy,
or he could've sold the case of it.
He could still be working on the case.
Could've been.
Could've been dogging him.
Yeah.
All these years. Come, let it go. It's driven a mad. I will be drinking a the case. Could be. Could be dogging him. All these years.
Come on, let it go. It's driven a mad.
I will be drinking a wanker's brew.
It's the guy.
I love it.
It's got all the signs of the wanker's brew.
He's drinking it.
Is this really all the subscription?
You get sent this, don't you?
In the anti-health, the opposite of a veg box.
You get a bit of a box.
To slowly destroy it.
Yeah, this is from the post-lull beer box. Yeah.
Do you also get the the gold level subscription way when they ring on the bell with the beers,
you can look out the window while they smash a box of veg onto the pavement?
Absolutely. They power rise it.
They're the ground with their boots. That's right.
It's damn bonnet. Yeah.
And then take a pair of running shorts and set fires on them.
Right, I'm going to put these beers in.
Well, see what is called Ben.
It's called Hello Gallo.
It's got some whales on the front who are all enjoying pints of beer.
I'm playing.
Get on down smooth.
Tastes just like fosters.
I'd roll the red cabbage to the side to stick my three beers in.
Do you even know what that means, Ben?
I, earlier today, bought a Savoy cabbage, so take that back.
Yes, so that you could smash it up with a big bit of wood in front of the green grocer
and their entire family.
Green grocer, isn't it?
In one of your daily protests.
It's going with my venison and I'm roasting tomorrow.
Oh yeah.
Wow.
What I was going to say was in terms of a bit of a comedy.
I would say more than maybe any other podcast,
among the billions of podcasts there on the iTunes app
or other podcast app.
But I can say it always hurts me a little bit when someone says that, you know,
it makes us feel less special, doesn't it? When someone says what?
Whether there's millions of podcasts and people say, oh, everyone's got a podcast these days.
I think my mum even said that the other day. Everyone's got a podcast, haven't they? That's Sparrow's probably got a podcast, doesn't he?
I'm so proud of you.
I'm like, shall we go and ask that Sparrow, shall we?
And does that have a podcast?
Was she yet again comparing you negatively with Peter Crouch?
Crouch's podcast is breaking more kinds of records.
How are you doing?
I just like listening to that Sparrows podcast.
It's quite good, it's called Spadcast.
Just a sort of shopping and fucking.
It's just like shopping and fucking the play,
but performed by different Sparrows every time.
It's just a weird concept actually. Absolutely it. It just works. It just works. It just works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. about the end-year levels of heavy-packing.
Having worked with Henry over the years, both me and Mike know that you've got to harness the man
at certain times of day because there are certain danger points. The post-lunch dip is profound. You're mid-afternoon right off, Anton. Exactly. It's like working with the Husky, isn't it?
You can't, you can't, the Husky's not going to drag all day.
That's why I always say the Husky'll drag in the morning for about an hour and a half.
Didn't get in the sleigh and a different Husky'll ever go.
Is that all right?
Yeah.
Exactly.
Swaps presumably.
Another Husky has to go and that's why Husky's have such long and successful marriages.
Because they share the load.
But I think normally what we do is we record it in the morning because you're feeling fresh,
you're ready to go. Well we're all feeling fresh, no, we're all, what's, I mean, no, no,
no, no, I'm not feeling fresh when we record our bonkers. You're not a morning person,
I know. So we've never seen, we've never heard you at your bed. I'm about to go off the chain.
Are you ready? Let's do this. I'm about to be very powerful. What I say will
be powerful. It's going to be incredible, right? Well, my real danger zone is lunch and
post-lunch. So I've been worried, I have been worried about tonight, but I think what
I'm well, we'll see what happens. The danger zone is you know, two o'clock, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock.
The siesta hours.
By think now, I may be leveling up.
Also, I did something to try and get my energy up,
which is I went into them,
I've just done a spinning glass.
I also did something to get my energy up.
Did you?
Yeah.
What did you do?
I had a large Hammond Salami sandwich.
Also known as a card of spinning glass.
Similar workout for my heart. It's better.
I'd like my speed to go. You get this, get me this. Do, do, do. Come on guys, we can do this. You get faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster.
Now, quick, quick, quick, quick, get that slow down,
listen to that slow down, slow down on the cheese.
Yeah, then get it faster, get this,
slam me, that anything, do do do do do do.
Like that, is that either?
I'm also like me, more so like me, more so like me,
more so like me, you can do this guys, come on.
Get it down to the end, get it down, get it down,
get it down, get it down, get it down.
Yeah, feel that sweat coming off the meat.
I feel that high resistance red laster.
Yeah.
Oh. Come on, you're back, coming off the meat. Feel that high resistance red laster, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Let's sit on the B machine.
You bet, sir. This week's topic as sent in by DioGo from Lisbon, is James Bond. Here's my view on this. I think we should basically almost completely ignore that suggestion. But formally, rather than by mistake, you know,
slightly more formal unusual, and talk about the fact that I'm eating parmesan toasted
pine nuts and basil mini biscuits. That one beer's really gone to your head, doesn't it? He's a dreadful drunk.
That's an awful, awful drunk.
Doesn't become morose, doesn't become violent.
He just gets preoccupied by crunchy snacks.
I'm talking to anyone he can about them,
bending anyone's ear.
And later on tonight, I will be sitting
on top of Nelson's shoulders,
at the top of Nelson's column,
shoving cheesy biscuits into his massive, massive ears. Because his head is the size of like a car.
Once you get up there.
This is what we've done with the freedom you gave us, Nelson.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, no, I'm fine with it, but I mean,
I just think that bond
has been discussed a lot in a comedic way.
You think crackers might be a better, better way?
No, I think, you know, we could make a talk around bond a bit, but I'm not going to,
I'm not going to have a conversation with you about why doesn't the villain actually
just kill him when he got the chance instead of tying him up and saying, well, see you later,
Mr Bond.
I mean, come on.
Henry, you've done it.
That's good stuff, Henry.
I know it's good.
It's actually good.
The stuff I cast off is actually quite good stuff.
I don't know.
It's like a bald man walking around on his hands and knees
on the floor of a barbershop.
I mean, this is all perfectly good hair.
I could reconstitute this.
And you know, that's one of the things I did before
I got into podcasting. I've had all kinds of jobs. But I had addresses for my gig. One of them
was making handbeards. I was a handbeard. And you can get a Chelsea bid, depending on where
the barber shops were, I could get your Chelsea bid. I did Ealing Bids and I outsourced a lot of it to other bald men. It's a bit like charity shops, you get the
better stuff in a more high-end area, so your Chelsea bids, your Kensington bids, that's
where you got the real premium stuff.
Well you would find out wouldn't you where Lance Crennibon was getting his haircut.
That's right.
And then you'd go and sweep that up.
Oh yeah. And you'd back and sweep that up. Oh yeah.
See, back on the crackers, straight in the ear of the listener.
You know what, there are so many different cheesy, little biscuit things these days.
I thought you were going to say there are so many different times when it's appropriate
to eat crunchy snacks.
So many.
I've ever been for example when you were recording a podcast. It's easier to list the times when it's
not appropriate. No but it's evening vibe doesn't it?
It's just going to cause edit problems if the crunch, the crunches don't sort of continue.
You know what I mean?
Be like, always halfway through a crunch and that's moved.
You just keep mashing up crackers in your hands while you're talking.
Just throughout the rest of the day.
Yeah.
The community.
Well somebody might go, hang on, that crunch turned from a ritz to a to a tucker cracker.
He made a tax claim from more expensive cracker, but he's actually
halfway through the cracker. He's definitely using a cheaper cracker.
There are so many high-end cheese crackers available these days,
but do you mean your cheese flavor cracker or do you cracker?
You cracker, you put cheese upon.
Now, I'm talking about cheese infused cracker mate.
So, so,
okay,
I'm just having cheese in. There are so many, never, never eat, need, need to eat the same one twice.
I've never even heard of this brand. You never eat the same cheese cracker twice is one of the,
he's one of the Bond films that never quite made it. Yeah, never ate the same cheese cracker.
Get Adress involved, it could happen. So who do you think the next bond's going to be then?
Well, people have been saying Idris Alba so much, it sort of has to be now, doesn't it?
No, it had Alston was in the mix for a bit, wasn't it?
Oh no, no, no.
Why, oh why is Plemons not in the conversation at least?
He can play anyone.
Hello, Omni-Casting Agency, we can cast any part.
An Italian man selling lemons.
Look no further than Jesse Plemons.
What about the owner of the first ever zoo?
Jesse Plemons is the man for you.
I'm making a biopic of Hans Blix.
Jesse plemons will be there quick.
It's my son's birthday and I want to get a clone.
Plemons will do it for 20 pounds.
Listen, as you know, we've been trying to cast the role of Monica Lewinsky now for a while.
Um...
We've run into a number of roadblocks.
I just wondered if there's anyone on your books who could do a good Lewinsky.
Clemens?
Jesse Clemens.
Jesse Clemens.
Of course.
Of course, Clemens.
Clemens.
Clemens.
Clemens.
Clemens.
So Mike, you're a man who enjoys a novel about
one of the MIs, M-I-1, Secret Dogs, M-I-2, Electric Fish.
I do, in fact, I literally just finished.
Only last night I finished a book.
I was gifted over the Christmas period.
Yeah, there was a spinal.
There was salt to me as the American La Carre.
Oh, wow.
But I think by a person who hadn't
read it because it wasn't.
Quite frankly, the page one you were like, well, this isn't the carre for one thing, it
doesn't say by La Carre on the front. This is not the carry's font.
Here we go, I've got it.
Right, here we go.
We want a full book, so this is Damascus Station.
Damascus Station by David McCloskey.
It's a great author's name, right?
I think David McCloskey.
Sorry.
It could do with a single syllable, I think,
instead of a David.
It's a major problem with his name. Hold the book up
because his name is too long. It's supposed to be two syllables. Steve Van Jacks. It just, well, they just, well, this is good editing, Henry.
So they just need it because the muck is quite good, isn't it?
Is do you normally they save the muck for the hero, but it could be for an author. So if he just got Dave McClass if they just
snipped off, got to the end of his names. Yeah, well, that would help. Because the problem that he's got is his name.
The name is supposed to be eventually, hopefully,
as big as if not bigger than the title, right?
But his name can't get that big
without having to go to a second line.
That's why you need to be called James Herbert.
Yeah, I will say though,
as you can see on the front cover,
this is the best spy novel I have ever read.
Not my words,
the words of General David Patreus.
Hahaha.
Hahaha.
Wow.
The best book I have ever read.
Did he say?
Yeah, the best spine of all I have ever read.
General Patreus.
To be fair, to general Patreus.
Wow.
Because he lives inside a spine of all, to a degree, you'd imagine.
He has done, isn't he?
Yeah.
For accurate. Yeah. He doesn't, he's, it's, it's, yeah, he cleverly
doesn't say whether or not he's bothered to read one in the past.
Also also said to be breathlessly gripping and truly terrifying by Simon
C. Bag, Montefior.
Montefior, his name is Waitalong. He will never write a great thriller.
I'll tell you that now.
My friend Tom Crowley sent me this. He was in, I don't know where he was,
but he found a Robert Ludlin book. And he said, this must be the best title. And it says,
Robert Ludlin, the best sounding author of the Lazarus vendetta presents the passifal mosaic.
That's very much, that's when Ludlin's got to the point where he's just made a bunch of, he's had an assistant
made a pair of massive dice.
Like there's ones that D&D people use, they're like 500 sides on each side.
Yeah.
Where's the adjective dice?
I need the adjective dice.
Never noun dice.
Roll them.
I think the passable mosaic must be one of the best ones.
How can a mosaic ever be like a crucial part
of like an action story?
Well, the word is too hard to get a gop round
in the first place, isn't it?
Yeah, mosaic.
Mosaic.
Do you want to mean?
By the time you finish saying it, you're already dead.
Possible mosaic.
So Mike, I want to book review now of this.
Well, you don't really need it.
I mean, this is very much one of those ones where, I mean, literally everyone...
So you think about like LeCarrie, like there's, you know, this flawed character, it's quite...
It sounds quite ill-sounds quite credible as well.
People do stuff that sounds credible.
Whereas everyone here is the absolute best of the best of the best.
And she was the best goddamn NLSD level work with since
their time in Doha, but the DEPA DEPA DEPA,
is that kind of stuff?
But she was also the best at having a problem with the bottle.
And the agent here acutes is super, super smoking hot.
And I knew I shouldn't bang her, but what goddamn it,
there we were, we were banging and we were doing some banging
and there was against protocol, but by God she was so hot now it's so hot.
John I mean it's that basically quite a lot of that.
It's quite tiring.
That's a trouble with Prodacal when it's wearing really nice underwear it goes out of the
window.
It was a line.
I mean they normally got me because I mean it is a book with a map of the front And I'm a sucker for that. That's just a random map of the Berlin Metro.
Is it to do the story? You can check it.
No one ever really looks at the map during a book.
Is it Middle Earth?
There's a place that it's called Hobbiton. I don't remember that being part of Damascus.
It's actually a map of free toilets. You can use in central London.
It's actually really helpful.
It's got the John Lewis toilets.
Yeah, it's got a little sign that tells you
whether or not they might retract into the ground
and be careful for that.
Bond would know all the public toilets
that you can use, wouldn't he?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Bond can walk into any public toilet in London
and come out of any other public toilet in London.
That's right.
Like for him, it's a kind of tube.
But through the toilet,
it's within the film,
it's through the U-Bem up through the,
it's really gross.
It's horrible, horrible taking pictures.
It's really, really painful and disgusting.
So the internet and film.
And there is a much easier way to get
from Don Lewis to Selfages,
which is just to walk for 10 minutes.
Just to walk.
It's quite a nice walk as well.
Yeah.
So the demand was called the Damascus Station.
Damascus Station.
As you mic, because you're like a sort of spy realist
You know, you respect the car. You like it to have been quite research quite dry. That's what you like
Well, I think this I think this guy did work for the CIA though a guy that wrote it. That's what he claimed at least
Why I'm wondering is does that mean that you find bond a bit?
It's unrealistic all the lasers
All the bikinis it It's not really. I, why, but the young lad, the adolescent, like, was, was very fond of it. A bit of pond.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not made a stone. Move your book. Oh, the movies. Although I did,
I did visit, I did visit the books later on. I found them quite exciting. But this is,
this feels like a book that's been written in the hope that someone will make it into a film.
Is what it feels like?
Yes.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you have a read book like that?
It's to say things like, and here comes our hero, maybe played by Jesse Plammons.
A Plammons like character.
He looked exactly like Jesse Plammons. He faced his assistant. A Paul
Geomatti type. Really struck him at a time how weird it was. He literally looked
exactly like Paul Geomatti. He finally faced his foe, brackets, mainly CGI.
Yeah, it's basically that. And there's a big old shoot up, there's a needlessly
huge shoot up to the end.
Do you remember thinking that he looked exactly like
Paul Dramatti and that Paul Dramatti would probably
be interested in playing the role of that person,
A, because he already looks like him.
And B, if this was supposed to be min,
and B, and think about doing it at a low rate,
because the film is likely to have a lot of pickup
in the Asian markets.
We could probably some sort of deal involving a cut of receipt.
Just get in touch.
Just call me Paul.
Call me.
Here's my number.
Probably some sort of merch based, some sort of soup merch.
We might be able to get a soup.
A special soup sashays is the merch.
I'm Jimati Ministro, need Jimati Ministries, because that's just'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm a schedule for the next eight months and for changing the title of this
book to my phone number. He looked across the Damascus skyline, although Marrakesh could
definitely stand in for it, if filming in Damascus itself was...
And even Argo, he quite a lot of it, we could film in Aralona. Be quite convenient for
you, we could probably manage that. It's good point though. We've got the right set
builders. You just want to combine it with a holiday, come over and we can do the whole thing in
Sunderland. There's like, we've got four or five car parks in Sunderland.
Basically, we can, we can pretty much come and dare and port.
Don't Google it.
Port. Don't Google it because it'll ruin it, but you will love something.
Port, Port, Port, Port, Ramethi. Trust me on this one.
Very underrated as a tourist information.
Don't Google it though. Don't Google it.
Don't have ruined it.
It's not mobbed by tourists.
You know how you do it? You know someone is just mobbed by tourists.
It's not that. It's not going to be mobbed.
You're not going to be mobbed.
It's not like that. It's actually quite undiscovered.
It's a bit of a secret pause. I probably shouldn't be saying.
Right, I think about it in this novel.
But...
Yeah.
Well, that's why the novel is called The Sunderland All Inclusive.
That's how they don't wait.
That's right.
Maybe that was a mistake.
That was probably a mistake.
And that's why there's a photo of you, Paul Dremetti, on the front cover, because
I thought you'd be more likely to notice it.
So I need a contract.
If you're reading this in your downstairs toilet port it's because we've successfully managed to break into your downstairs toilet
put it in there. We've only put in one copy of this book
and it's in your hands and if you look up until you're left that photo of your
one of your wedding day but you keep me downstairs toilet and you press on it
it opens a secret passage all the way to Sunderland. Just get in, we've got a monorail in there.
We've put in, there's a trail of skittles as well,
you can follow that.
The trail is good, which we think you probably love.
Help yourself, help yourself, as he always falls.
And listen, if you won't do it, what we'll do is we'll drug you,
we'll cover you in pink one balls, and then we'll get Andy Circus to see G-I-U-N.
Yeah, we're deep faking it Paul, as what we're saying.
What's up to you?
We're gonna deep fake it anyway mate.
Yeah, and in the deep fake version.
Maybe there'll be some directors can't footage
where you say good things about Nazis.
With your dick out.
That's about that Paul.
Yeah, now I didn't want this to turn into a threatening,
not, not, I didn't want it to turn into a threatening not not um I didn't want to send you a threat Paul be giving us very different choice because
he has to have an email I can tell you have an email thus yeah
but it's up to you whether or not you you want your left
bollock to to appear as a Nazi tank commander in this movie that's that's up to you
do that with your choice I I don't wanna do it.
We don't wanna.
You could, I just, I want you to choose to make us not do that.
I can't get very hard for us not to.
It's your choice, Paul.
Yeah.
And we know some very powerful people.
Well, Paul Jamezny for one, hopefully.
I see it as goes well.
He's got a lot of leverage.
I mean, you've got a lot of leverage. You've got a lot of leverage. I mean, you've got a lot of leverage. But we can flip this script. Basically, we've written a sort of,
it's kind of version of a palindromic script.
Doesn't read the same way around.
But if you read it the wrong way around,
it might make more sense than the right way around.
But then it turns into a film which is basically
a documentary about you confessing to a series of unsolved murders.
And then you can see that you're in a very, very, very, It might make more sense than the right way around. But then it turns into a film which is basically a documentary about you confessing the series
of unsolved murders.
In 1960s, Ida, how?
From before you were born.
And you might not think that those murders might tie in with your move.
You might make it a hard case.
Well, we actually took the provision of committing
those murders ourselves.
Yeah.
So we can make sure they tally.
If you plot them on a map across passable county,
they're becoming something called the passable mosaic.
And what's in a mosaic of?
That's right, Paul.
The birthmark on your left buttock. That's right Paul, the birthmark on your left butt-ic.
That's right, we've got you, got you, proof.
And you may not have noticed that you've got
both mark on your left butt-ic before.
Well, two answers to that, one is there's only left butt-ic
so you can't see it, and two, we've made the provision
of putting it there ourselves. Paul Paul, Jimicie. Paul Paul, man.
I think Teenage Benjouin quite like James Bond's, but I like the films. And then since then,
you know, in the years since, I've watched every Bond film that's come out, often at the
cinema. Yeah. Each time thinking, oh, this will be good.
It will be the one that, yeah. And then they're always just hot, hot horses.
Hot horses. I don't know at the moment. And have they got worse? So have I just
grown up or like, do you know what I mean? That's a good question. I don't know.
So I arrived at adulthood around the sort of his Brosnan age. And gold and I.
Those are great though, right? They got worse.
They were, for my view, they were crazy silly.
There was weird ice palaces and stuff like that, and it all got a bit bananas.
But then you're, you're sick, because you were still a teeny-popper at that time, so maybe
you thought that was great.
What followed pierced?
Was that Craig?
Straight to Craig.
And then Cassina Rihal is really good, the first one he did.
Obviously, Jementi just did one, but it doesn't get talked about, does it?
It's like, is it?
It was slightly off the books, wasn't it?
It was slightly off the books.
Yeah, it's not technically a Bond film.
It's more of a film back to guys who are middle-aged American friends
who do a tour of the wine district in California.
Is it?
It's not technically not a Bond film.
But to re-name one of the characters in ADR
and the afterwards in post,
because they're a legal challenge about one of them characters in ADR and the afterwards and post because there was a legal
challenge about one of them being James Bond. Exactly. Just going on a wineries holiday,
very rarely saw James Bond on vacation, did you? Trying to finish his bloody novel.
No, exactly. So that was the silly thing. So did you like that, Mike, or not?
No, I didn't like that. Because you established you like bureaucratic levels of detail, Mike or not? The kind of, it was, no, I didn't like, no, because you established you like bureaucratic levels
of detail, don't you?
Who signed a chip for that?
Who signed a chip for that?
There'd be no chips in this type of fucking film.
Where were the chips?
What?
I wanted a dense, I wanted a dense chips left right
in the center.
Paper trail.
Yeah.
I think the biggest line that the Bonfums have told us
is that the Daniel Craig ones are good. Because people go, oh, casino royale.
They go, oh, it's actually really dark and interesting.
What the fuck are you talking about? There's a guy with a laser penis.
They're all, it's not dark and interesting.
It's just true. They've just convinced us that it's dark and it's just because occasionally has a little bit of blood on his cheek.
Oh, I mean, who is fallible?
But also, there'll be a bit where he goes, I actually could have loved you.
And then, you know, gets his laser penis out and kills everyone in the room.
You know, there's like no, this supposedly dark, whatever.
There was one that's tickly bad. I think it might be quantum of solace.
Terrible title as well, I've got what he said. Where? That's the Bolivian water source. There was one that's tickly bad. I think it might be quantum of solace.
Terrible title as well, it's got to be said.
That's the Bolivian water source.
To be sure to just think of something, isn't it?
Yes, so it turns out the baddie is a kind of Hugo Banzist style
sort of military leader who wants to have all of South America.
To make the world's biggest ice cube.
And then I'm going to freeze Panama.
Panama.
Yeah, there is a scene where you don't you'll create this
discovers I think an underground reservoir.
Yeah, I mean, who cares?
That's that's supposed to be that's supposed to be the
the scales fall from your eyes.
You're like, yeah, yeah. Where eyes. Where's the big space laser?
Where's that place? It's probably like, it's to do what age you are when it's right for you.
So the ones that were the right age, where I was the right age for it was the ones where.
But hang on, the right age for it is like 55 year old man. Well, I think we have two moments in life where we're ready for bond, which is 15 year old
boy and 55 year old man as both.
Because for me it was one with a big, was it a big spaceship eating spaceship?
Was it a big boat eating boat?
Have they done both?
It was a big spaceship eating spaceship.
The spaceship eating spaceship I like.
Moonraker that phase.
I think that's Roger Moore.
Roger Moore was super silly, but quite fun. Quite fun camp didn't take itself too seriously. Sean Connery's the only good to say.
Yeah, I think it's very good.
They're problematic, aren't they?
Yeah, I'll be problematic, yeah. Of course, the next bond on Prolovie.
Hi. Hello there. Your high court judge, good, I respect that.
Should we get married and then stay together forever and have a family. Probably have a smoothie and an avocado, thanks.
Bons gone woke.
Bons gone woke.
So Dr Sanchez, we finally meet and now I'm going to tell you what have you been doing
for a long time, because I want to apologise for Britain's colonial past. The name is 007, license to recycle. This vicious device is called the Spiralizer
and it's absolutely destroyed, of course you haven't turned into a sort of substitute for security. Which is a bit watery, but it's just not as good as I guess.
But if you are trying to cut down too much on carbs because you do have quite a physical job.
Actually Bond. So you do need some carbs on board. Let's not be silly. Bonday. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- He basically spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert.
He dies, isn't he? He dies at the end. Big time dies. Shouldn't really. Yeah.
Happen. I know this is a really pedantic of me and probably a bit annoying, but it's
not like because Doctor Who does regenerate. They've built it into the storyline that he
starts again as a character. Yes. So like in that last bump, when Daniel Craig dies
and he has this very intense relationship,
this woman and it's all very emotional,
are we supposed to believe that,
so this is the same guy that has had thousands of lovers
and going back into the early 60s,
going back to the early 60s,
he's had some real look changes.
He's aged to the stream, you well.
But I find that a bit weird about it.
Are you supposed to, what point do you, is it like with each new bond it re, you're supposed to
imagine this is a new, a new reboot essentially? I think so. My feeling is that in order for
it to work as a franchise, it needs to be a period piece. So I think you should always
just be the sixties. Oh, that's quite a good idea. When the cars are cool and the suit
makes sense and like, you've got to get to a phone box. Exactly. And also the, the values
make sense as well. Do you think as well, basically?
Yes, although I guess they are a bit problematic in the modern era. So yeah, but I'd
think it all just makes everything just makes a bit more sense in the era. And now it's
copied into stores and that you have to do all the stuff that's kind of red-lit at the old ones,
but then it has to pretend that he's modern and it's all to do with an app or whatever, like it's once been caught out on bloody TikTok.
Something to do with an algorithm or problem.
Flash mob.
So there's other words.
Now I've got a check.
I've got a check.
I've got my electric pen.
I've got my laser trousers.
And now I've just got to check my amount of follows on Instagram.
Ben, can I say, if I was Barbara Broccoli? and now I've just got to check my amount of followers on Instagram.
Ben, can I say, if I was Barbara Broccoli and I was having a script meeting, gets me new ideas in, how do we keep the franchise going?
And you said that I would press the button and your seat would fire you out
of the fucking Empire State's building mate.
On to a pile of money.
On to a pile of money because we're making this happen mate.
It's a good idea. It's a good idea.
It's a good idea.
But we've got some question marks about this thing that all the characters have to be paid
by Paul Dramati.
No, that's hard.
That's a red line for me.
Sorry.
It's Dramati.
How do you say it, Ben?
Because we're going to work with you.
One of the how you say it.
I'm going to say it the way Paul Dramati says it, which is Dramati.
Dramati.
Jimati. So Jimati's playing all the characters
and no makeup, he looks like himself
for all the characters.
That's right, yeah.
Including Biffel's character.
Same voice, yeah.
Same clothes even, oddly.
He will not even shift on costume.
He's not even a different costume.
He's gonna be wearing a Pierro Le Clow and outfit.
LAUGHTER For everyone, is that right? That's correct. a pyrolyclone outfit for everyone.
Is that right?
That's correct.
Pyrolyside cloned with a big black tear coming out of his left eye.
Is that right?
That's a big white pointy hat.
Yes.
Incredibly poxy white, big white hat.
Is that right?
And how many pom-poms do you say he's got to come to your film?
He's got one at the end of Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh man.
I think that's a Bond reboot. A lot of people could get behind. I think you could get behind.
I'm now drinking an African farmhouse ale. It's quite nice. Tolla Carsey is a multiple
award winning brand that pays homage to the female brewers of the African soil.
So these cheese biscuits have been eating? Check out how pretentious they are, right?
That's what it says in the box. Drink pairings.
Drink pairings. Come on, bit.
Why don't you neck in there?
That's your crunchy cheese.
You're basically a pricey Watson.
You're a flat Watson.
Drink pairings.
Blond beer.
Lager.
Champagne.
Prosecure. Fruity white wines. Blond beer Lager champagne
Prosecure fruity white wines
Lighter style whiskey whiskey highball
Bang my name earlier on you eating a caramel I'm looking there's no drinks pairings on the back of this...
Caramet.
There's no, I think it's assumed that it's a Pinot, it's any low-tan in wine.
It's one of the dark Pinot or just some molten palm oil in a cup.
It does see on the back, it's got the Nestle logo which is some
birds and an nest and underneath it says, good food, good life.
But it doesn't say that they're providing either of those things, is it? It's just saying
those things. It's not even saying whether it's pro those things. It's not exactly, it's
just leaving them there, putting them there, leaving them there. Just putting them there,
placing them there. Do you want some more stuff from my box? Yes, please. Flavor profile.
Cheesy biscuit. It should just say cheesy biscuit here, but it's got paragraph. We use the best
Parmesan cheese. Right, this. The pert laureate. Salmon armadillo.
It's very hard to make coin that of writing poetry.
You've got to take a couple of cool breads.
He writes the copy on all boxes in this nation.
Yeah.
Well, Jeanette Winston does Pringles, isn't she?
Winston does Pringles.
She's got the Pringles gig sewn up.
But armadillo is sewn up any cheesy goods for decades.
Anything cheesy, our Matisse is our Matisse every time.
Oh, and he improvises the enumbers.
LAUGHTER
Often what often was standing in a glend
will knock out some stuff about the woods
and how they remind him of time.
And then he'll improvise me into his
dictative home.
Flavor profile.
We use the best parmesan cheese.
That's not true, is it?
No, it's not true, is it?
No one's letting them near the best parmesan cheese.
The best.
That's a secret location.
That's in the Holy Sea.
It's the Pope.
The Pope eats the best parmesan cheese.
In fact.
And occasionally one of the Swiss guards will get some.
Yeah.
But then the Swiss guard is immediately Swiss cheese,
ironically, the Swiss cheese.
Death through.
We use the best Parmesan cheese with long-lasting tangy,
nutty, and caramel notes.
That's for like the caramel mac.
So we have it in a way we can be connecting then.
Because the same one is the same one as caramel mac.
It's the same one as caramel, It's the same one's camera probably. It's the same thing
Basil and toasted pine nuts give a herbal sweetness and honey profile. This is
This is this is a bit much isn't it? They've got brass ballets
Also, I'm expecting now a bit about our brand story. And it's almost always, we're two posh knobs.
We met while traveling.
We're a couple of twats with a huge amount of disposable
and huge amount of investment capacity.
Basil and toasted pine nuts give us all some honey profile.
Is that what they call basil and toasted pine nuts?
That's the two at the time.
I'm basil and toasted pine nuts, we should get together.
Toasted pine nuts has definitely got a top not, isn't he?
To be able to have a free.
My dad makes loads and loads of money from BAE systems.
So does my dad.
That's amazing.
I technically owe Northumbria.
But now we're delivering a flavor bomb.
My dad makes shells. You know what else has shells?
Pistachio nuts. So you know what else is a nut pine nuts?
Let's put them in our cheese crackers and it'll be part of our narrative story.
Something that people can really get behind and believe in.
Classic Italian flavour combination.
What the shit?
The drinks bakery creates unique savoury snacks that are expertly flavour-profiled
to match great drinks around the world.
Our delicious rich crumbly drinks biscuits are thoughtfully crafted to balance with and enhance the character of your favourite drinks
so whether you're a G&T lover or a craft beer buff,
teach the run of the mill bar snacks and raise your glass to proper flavour.
They're also helpful if you're a cunt, everyone involved in making this product was a cunt, we're all cunts. This is the kind of company which will sometimes get the gig of providing snacks on an aeroplane
because sometimes you get a little box of a weird crack you've never heard of.
Mike, this caramac was provided to me by your sister. Yeah. Please pass on my thanks and also, I thought it was vile.
I think that's a very happy ending to that story because it would have been,
she'd have been deeply saddened if you had found to you was the ultimate flavor of all time.
Only to let it rip to aif me.
Yes, forever.
How it discontinued, yeah?
Spend the rest of my life wandering the world
looking for a caramac.
Right, let's read your emails.
BEEP
BEEP
BEEP
When you send an email
BEEP
BEEP
You must give thanks
BEEP
BEEP
To the postmasters that came before
BEEP
Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me?
Just some old shit.
When you send an email,
This represents progress.
Like a robot, chewing a horse. Dip me your horse. Roller is mentioned on the pod, icing a reworked
version of tiny dancer in my head and searching the despobs name into the obvious spots.
Holy closer, Hugo Banzer.
Oh, Samantha.
And I have this Banzer version of the Ditty circling my brain, fearing I'm between 24
and 72 hours.
Seems just for the military band.
Samantha was now subjected to that.
I mean, it's gonna be schools of listeners
are gonna be infected by that.
Oh, you got bad.
Well, she won't be alone now, will she?
I mean, it's already got Henry.
It worked really well, doesn't it?
To be honest, it doesn't.
I'm sure it was the lyrics make it
as much sense as it is before, frankly.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
In more bands and news, I like the way the bands are really running and running
in this series. I mean, it'll all come to an end when we get the cold water of someone emailing
their experiences with the regime, but until that time, until we actually study it properly.
So before, it was Mikey, he said he was in a sauna with Hugo Banzer.
Multianicdote Mikey.
That's right. We had to choose another one.
We don't have the sauna one, yeah, boy?
No, he just teed up the sauna one.
And I think that was being in a sauna with six former presidents of Chile.
Anyway, Emily Emoz, I wanted to share my sauna encounter with an active and revered politician.
My friend and I visited Harrogate Turkish Bards in April
2023. I've been there. Have you? Great baths. I've been to those baths. Yeah.
Were you dressed as Boris Johnson? Is that what happened here? No, why? We ventured into
the hot room in the sauna and chose our spot on the hot marble bench. I was chatting
away to my friend with my back to someone. Once we had our fill and suitably heated up,
we trotted to the next medium heat section.
It was rammed, so in our ignorance and our overconfidence we hot-footed it into the top
heat section.
Literally hot-footed it.
We placed our towels down so we didn't crisp up on the marble like a prawn on a griddle.
Once sat down we could see everyone in the room, including all the previous heat sections.
Quickly realizing that the top heat section is indeed top heat.
I got worried that my glasses might melt off my face, so I took them off blurring my vision.
My friend had been staring through the steam at a man that had been sat next to me in the
first heat section.
There's a sort of mental geography of this is quite hard, isn't it?
We're getting bogged down in the heat.
I think temperature, I've built a picture, but I can't guarantee it's accurate.
Also, I think temperature is one of the hardest things to convey in an anecdote temperature.
I think we can just, I think if we all just assume it's quite hot throughout.
And then not focussed so much on that. Anyway, her friend says,
I've been staring at that man for ages as I couldn't place him. But I know him,
that guy there, he must be one of my dad's friends. Two minutes later, my friend says, no, definitely not my dad's friend, hang on,
it's Andy Burnham.
Well, well.
The mayor of Manchester.
And that's how he got his nickname, isn't it?
Because he had a heat related test calendar,
he didn't do that.
I don't know, that's what he got his surname.
Yeah.
Why not?
Why not?
His big, hammy testicle.
LAUGHTER
How's the key?
How's the key?
Burnum.
Oh, he's burned him.
He's burned him.
What is it?
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
That's...
She was in a mixture of embarrassment and elation.
Being from Manchester, Andy is the one politician
who we were very happy to have shared a hot marble bench with.
He looked like he was having a lovely time with his family
and he has a very hairy chest.
OK.
Nice story.
That's momentally. Nice story. That's memory. Yeah.
Nice story.
It's a nice story.
I'm going to add in a way.
Actually, you know what?
I'm going to do like they did on that box of products.
I'm going to say nice stories are always good to hear.
Do you know what I mean?
Like the way that box said something.
Do you remember?
I would like to wear my Caramack said good food, good life.
Exactly. You got Caramack box said good food, good life. Exactly. Your caramac Fox said, good food, good life.
Good story.
Good times.
I think to be fair to Emily, I think we may or certainly I may have asked people to send
in times they have spent time in a sauna with the serving politician.
Yes.
Oh yeah.
So I don't think that's come from nowhere.
I was thinking this is a bit apropos of nothing.
When it was apropos of me.
Apropos of you.
So, yeah. Oh wait, Andy Burnham, right? Has he always been a politician? Has he ever nothing. When it was apropos of me. It's apropos of you. So, yeah.
Oh wait, Andy Burnham, right?
Has he always been a politician?
Has he ever been like,
no, he wasn't born one.
He's been in the game a long time.
Was he once in a band or something?
No.
He feels like he was in a band
and then he's now Andy Burnham.
Now I'm gonna become like the mayor
of not, and I'm gonna become like a politician.
Like I was in the Charlottes, but now I'm a real become like a politician. Like I was in the Charlottes,
but now I'm a real Charlotteson.
Who's the Charlotteson? No.
I don't think so,
but I think people think of him as being
a slightly cooler brand of politician,
because he's a bit,
he'll wear a nice jacket occasionally.
It's because he's a bit cool.
That's why I'm thinking that.
Yeah, yeah.
So I think currently Emily's winning
in terms of like most senior politicians
to share a sauna with that's mayor of Manchester
Can we go higher president of Manchester?
So do if you have a more impressive politician than Burnham. It's a good one. Could be PM one day who knows it's on the card
Hello, this is just a little message to say that despite Andy Burnham's
protestations, we will be doing a live show in Manchester on April the 24th,
which is a Wednesday at 7pm.
Tickets will go on general sale next week on Wednesday.
So that's Wednesday the 24th of January.
And we'll share a link and details to where to get tickets on next week's show.
But there'll be a Patreon pre-sale, so all Patreon subscribers will get a link on the 22nd of January, which is a Monday, so two days early, so they'll have first bite of the charity when it comes to
getting tickets. We can't wait to do it. And Andy Burnham can't stop us.
Okay, let's move on to our next topic. A few people have emailed about this, Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! So, I did not create the jigsaw. You did quit the jigsaw.
I did quit the jigsaw, but I'm denying, I was part of a chain of command in terms of
that jigsaw.
I'm not the person you're looking for, as I'm going to say.
Okay, well let's see what the problem is first.
Or maybe they're just congratulating you on the jigsaw.
In which case, it was my brainchild, yeah.
This is from Barry and Iowa, dear beans.
The jigsaw was moving along, but it's not easy.
Don't get me wrong, I love a jigsaw, and even built my own jigsaw ring table, but the
bean jigsaw is tough.
Last night at about 1am, my wife, seeing me struggle with the jigsaw, said, Hey, love,
are you sure you're still enjoying that?
Oh, no.
Ouch.
I said, oh yeah, I mean, it's really difficult. But it's a strange kind
of joy, a bit like passing a very firm stool, simultaneously enjoyable and difficult. And also,
what really is joy anyway? Well, you know what I always say, Ben is, great jigsaw, good experience.
Great jigsaw, good experience. So basically for people that don't know, on the three bean salad shop online, there's a jigsaw,
which is based on the art form of the episodes, the episode about maps.
I adapted it slightly to make it the right shape for the proportions for the jigsaw.
For emails.
As for being fans, my husband and I gift each other bean related presents this Christmas.
Very good. I received Henry's illustrated biography of Joe Wilkinson and I gave my fellow
the three bean jigsaw. The book was excellent. At Henry's drawings were even better than I had
thought they would be. I loved it. So, low expectations to begin with. Yeah, backhanded compliment, whatever, necking. I am. I got to try.
The jigsaw, also drawn by Henry, is a great drawing.
But after having made a start on it, I have one question.
Have any of you actually tried doing this fucking jigsaw?
Not to blow my own trumpet, but I consider myself quite an accomplished jigsaw
completer. After my husband gave up within the first day,
I had a good go at it.
It really is quite an impossible challenge.
Oh no.
I think Henry, having used all of the same colours,
I didn't know.
I didn't know how it works.
Except...
LAUGHTER
..the many, many scrolls in indeecisive land-tocings.
And what can only be described as swathes of plain blue?
There's a lot of plain blue.
There's a lot of plain blue because it's the ocean.
I can't help it.
Because it's a map.
There's a sea, a lot of it is a sea, because a map of an island. Yeah.
Basically, it's a jigsaw where almost all the pieces look very, very similar.
So there isn't the traditional pleasure of trying to match up bits of an image, which
are separated into different shaped pieces.
It's more, I guess you just have to, you'd have to get one piece and cycle through every
other piece.
It's more of a kind of, if you're like guessing a pin number or something,
you'd have to just go,
you take one piece,
you go through all the other 999 pieces, one, check it off,
check it out,
I mean, you'd have to probably use this spreadsheet,
check them off, maybe mark them
if they are the relevant thing.
If they are the ones to get,
and then you go through the cycle again,
but obviously that, exponentially,
that takes longer and longer,
so it's probably,
oh, it's many, live takes, many, many,
live takes, it's a generational case. That said they're angry and I don't want to completely put
people off ever buying the jigsaw because we've had a number of people sell it send us photographs
over the completed jigsaw. Oh really? So it is possible. It is doable. So it's absolutely doable.
For example, Alex emails, attaches a photo of the completed jigsaw.
If no one has yet claimed the title as first
to complete the masterpiece,
I will humbly take the honor and dedicate it
to my new born.
Congratulations on your new born.
Yeah.
Completing it cemented in me that I am indeed
now fully a provincial dad.
Completing a jigsaw over Christmas
with an onion child's tucked under one arm.
Congrats.
Oh, that's lovely Alex.
It really is, yeah, well done, lovely, great stuff.
So it can be done.
It's sort of like the new finishing tetras maybe, isn't it?
It is.
Finishing with three beans, that's the jigsaw.
It can, if like this could make it,
I think this could make it become more popular, actually.
It's like a kind of all, can you?
Who will rise to the challenge?
Anyway, if you've completed it, do let us know.
And just give us a general sense
of your general well-being afterwards.
Finally, we had some email in a while ago talking about how they felt they were probably the most radioactive listener. We've had a couple of challenges to that. So the original guy, I think,
was doing a medical test. Yes, that's correct. And had to swallow some kind of radioactive tincture
or something. Yeah. Hello beans. This is Tim from Colorado. A couple of episodes ago,
a listener named Robd claimed the title of the most radioactive
listener is he had ingested a radioactive dye.
I too have ingested radioactive dye for a medical study in the past, but that's not all.
My childhood home was part of the affected area of the Rocky Flats plutonium plants, nuclear
waste, dumping scandal.
Oh my God.
That sounds bad.
I believe it will be difficult for another listener to be more radioactive than myself
and still be alive.
So there we go.
Tim from Colorado makes a fairly good case for being the most radioactive listener.
But then we got an email from someone else.
Hello Beams.
I work at the Nuclear Decommissioning site of Cellophield.
God, Lord.
I cannot stand by and listen to radioactive rob claiming to be the most radioactive listener.
Due to the nature of my job, I expend a lot of time in controlled radioactive areas,
where I uptake a fairly consistent amount of gamma radiation.
I legally can't go into too much detail, but there was also a very minor incident where
I received an internal dose of beta radiation.
I then had to sit inside, a special contra contraption to work out just how much was inside
me and finally I had to provide pee and poo samples in bottles for a few months. As a result,
they calculated how much radiation I would receive throughout my life from the dose received
on that fateful day. The prognosis was fine, but something to consider when getting X-rays.
Although Rob's came as strong, I ask you to consider me as the most radioactive listener,
yours eternally, Celaffield employee number 77369. Congratulations. Thank you 77369.
PS, if you ever feel like visiting Selefield, just run up to the armed guards on the gate
screaming Pompadoo and they might let you in. It's time to pay the ferryman.
Patreon.
Patreon. Patreon.com
For a sash, you'll be the Salad.
Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
Patreon.com.4d-3been-salad. Thank you very much.thewon.com-slaz3been-sallard. Thank you very much.
You can get access to bonus episode every month,
add free episodes, or if you sign up at the Sean Beent here,
you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Been Lounge,
where Mike was last night. Sure was. He was, wasn't he?
Good event. Oh yeah.
Was it Name that Cactus? It was Name that Cactus.
Thank you, Henry. It is my report.
It was Name that Cactus last night, Henry. It is my report. It was named that cactus last night at the Sean Bean Lounge in which Sean Bean Lounge
was invited to impress Sean Bean himself and win the honour of choosing the name for
Sean Bean's latest St. Hillary's Day cactus.
Alex Bailey Smith performed a salacious ode that had to be cut short when it made Finley
Trigidgo physically ill.
Nick Chambers juggled swine, Johnny Martin's made a long island iced tea with his feet and served it in the nose of Ben.
Anthony Nibblet, dance the forbidden dance of Derby, and Robert Turner expressed the anal
glands of Bertie Hemings blind folded. Chris par ate a high-end eye-ten without any condiments.
James Thomas threw Will Morgan through a ring of fire and into the flaming arms of Jules
Berner. Elliot Walker made an ill-judged attempt to the moonwalk while Hazel Robinson tossed a welly over a house. Charlotte Woodhouse
folded a prawn cocktail crisp five times without breaking it while Andy folded a giraffe
into the shape of a balloon. Carly Leonard tried to carve a statue of Sean Bean into a tree
stump, but got the nose-eyes chin cheeks ears and forehead wrong, and accidentally made
an open Lindsay Cummins doppelganger, which meant Lindsay had to issue all material possessions and take up hermitage in the caves of Urwithfa, for
so it is written.
Jeff Langford wrote a bucking unicycle side-tettle while rotating his nipple tattles in opposite
directions, as Luna M. Cook's crack to whip about his head face and buttocks for motivational
purposes.
Dave Strivans did a show and tell with his iron filings collection and was sent away
with a thick ear.
Beth Ursul played Bourne to be wild on the violin and was banned from the lounge for 24
hours and from violins for life. Richard Dune Thompson did some armpit farts and remarkably
almost one. But Barb Connelly pipped him to the post with a sensational performance of
Jersey Barb. An ambitious one-barb spectacular in which the musical Jersey Boys is performed
in its entirety by a single-barb. Barb was awarded the task of naming Sean Beans' cactus and achieved a standing
ovation when declaring the cactus be simply named Bastard. Thanks all.
Okay, that's end of the episode. We all finish with a version of our theme tune made by
One of You. Yes, please. And this week, it's Ian. Hello, Ian.
Ian writes, please find attached a theme tune version using the musical instruments, which
are the Elbrough Raspberry, a kazoo, and a boutonise prayer wheel.
What's the question? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, okay. All right, till next time, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thanks, bye.
Goodbye.
Oh, God.
I know.
Was it that wasn't a question?
There was no question. There was no question, I thought I might have been there.
Not even close.
Not even close, mate.