Three Bean Salad - Non-episode-isode-isode
Episode Date: November 1, 2023No normal episode of Three Bean Salad this week (we're away until December).Join our PATREON at patreon.com/threebeansalad for bonus episodes....
Transcript
Discussion (0)
What's the steps of you taking to DECO with the room?
Close the door.
Yeah.
Who would be the next to me?
Who would.
Okay, it'll be the ECO granules. They get lodged in the carpet. Yeah. Who would you have today? Who would?
It'll be the echo granules. They get lodged in the carpet.
It'll be the problem.
Exactly.
Thousands of microchrochro granules.
This could be a, um, this could be a sort of
pompadoo for the audience.
I could turn off the plug and I used to try and take away
some of the reverb and show them just what, what the raw
sound of Henry and the Nackuil rumours.
I have to deal with the raw gloves off sort of like
Ben-Ukall fighting version of me.
Exactly.
Of my voice just absolutely unfiltered.
Can I say I didn't actually know we were recording.
How long have we been recording for?
One minute and 31 seconds.
And you're getting cancelled, my friend.
That's what it takes.
One minute, thirty seconds of real me.
We can turn off the recording if you'd like.
No, no, not at all. I just didn't know recording.
So whatever I was doing at the beginning, that was genuine.
That was unfiltered. That was real.
Panic, no.
Flown across Henry's face.
You're thinking, what's I doing?
What was I doing?
I was talking about all the big game I shot last week.
I've done my usual big game brag, but I always...
That's my...
Does anybody really relax into a conversation?
Yeah, I've actually been reduced because there's the head of a mega-buffalo.
Now dangling from the...
From your ceiling, it's soaking up some of the sounds.
The cameras were recapturing, in fact,
I'm still wearing these Onyx hooves.
How it worked. At the beginning of the sounds. The cameras were recatching. In fact, I'm still wearing these Onyx hooves. How we were.
The beginning of a recording.
To get myself into the mood.
Clipty clopping across the savannah,
just like in conversational terms.
Isn't it?
Clipty clopping, bounding from my dear to my dear.
Like that Onyx was bounding from hedge to hedge.
You've been Oryx.
We've had this conversation. He doesn't mind, he doesn't, he's happy to hand to love or gemstones.
He doesn't care.
Either, don't want to shoot anything when he's out there.
I can do the full, I can do the full stole with, with, with jewels on one, one hunt to
be a me.
You can do all the accessories that is the hunt and the mind the experience after me.
Yeah. It's, um, it's the full act.
It's currently the most unethical holiday available in the world.
Hunt in the morning, become the former of an illegal mine in the afternoon.
And put all those photos up on the dark web.
And put all those photos up on the dark web. Yeah.
Now, Onix is a kind of, is it a kind of prairie,
oh no, it is a gemstone, isn't it Onix?
No wonder Holy went so badly, I went, big game hunting for Onix,
and then I went Orix mining.
Come up with anything.
Now, what was the Norix?
Oryx.
It's the thing you meant at the beginning.
No, it's the thing I met.
That's a brain refiling that needs to happen.
I don't think it's ever going to happen now.
It's too late, isn't it?
It's too late to refile that.
But also, I think when a danger zone,
if I think we might have talked about this before,
because I think you might have said,
we've had this entire conversation.
That I went to a zoo that emspecialized in Oryx's, but I can't remember which old year's before. I might have said that I went to a zoo that I'm specialised in oricses,
but I can't remember which of this poor. I don't remember that. I'm sure that I think the
orics onixing has come up, but I do. I don't remember that detail. That doesn't mean that it didn't
happen. My memory is dreadful and getting worse by the day. Isn't a zoo that focuses on one animal a farm?
Yeah, the gift chopper's very meat-heavy, actually.
You very rarely see a zoo. It's got an abattoir attached to one of the back buildings.
Basically, it had all the stuff you're getting a zoo.
Yeah.
Lions, cheaters,
Yeah, built on.
It's always just really small in this point in crocodile.
Yeah. A microdile.
That's so annoying out there because when you're a kid you learn about crocodiles you learn that they
have these big and fearsome, you know, dinosaurs essentially. Yeah, yeah. Then when you get a
Bristol zoo, the one they've got is like sort of handbag size basically. It's a smoothie cameon. Yeah,
yeah, it's always really. It's basically It's slightly smaller than the key ring of it,
so you can buy in the gift shop.
Yeah.
You can't make key rings that small,
that's how small that is.
Similarly, pick me Hippo,
it's like they are very cute,
but when you're a kid,
you just want to see a massive Hippo, don't you?
Also, I think we have had this conversation as well before.
We've talked about the Pygmy Hippo as London,
so we've even had correspondence about them.
Have we just sort a podcast event horizon?
I think we have.
I think everything is within the podcast singularity now.
So nothing can escape or go into the podcast.
It just has to recycle its own matter.
Forever.
What a treat for our subscribers.
But they're getting a new take on old topics, right?
They get a new take on old topics.
It's three beans reheated.
That's what it is now on.
Yes.
The experience is no longer like just letting into a conversation
amongst friends.
It's more like visiting a two-old uncle.
Because we're good at dating the same anecdotes and poorly thought through opinions.
You just got to sit through it.
Did you know I met Jimmy White back in 1987?
Yeah.
Yes, I do know that because it's the 58th time
you told me and I am Jimmy White.
Yeah, so essentially it's a chat
with we've created a banter black hole.
The only way to escape it would be for one of us to penetrate
into the actual singularity itself,
but for that to happen in bandit terms, we'd have to become infinitely stretched, wouldn't we?
We'd have to become very, very, very stretched.
Well, all it would take is for one of us to have a new experience and be able to talk about it,
but that's not going to happen.
But that would involve getting out of the back hole, which you can't literally matter,
cannot escape it. Concepts cannot enter it.
But I think also, you know, my life is at such a stage of just kind of...
Yes.
...dradery, you know. It's just always the same.
Well, that's why it's called the event to rise, and there are no more events.
I've been to every event, I'm going to go to...
There's every...
Yeah, you've been to all the weddings.
Yeah.
You've been to every birthday party. I mean, you'll be to...
You go to new birthday parties, but they can then you repeat things that have happened
in previous ones you've been to.
Yeah. ...in different sort of combinations.
If one of us was to take up, what's that Spanish dancing where you whack the floor really
hard with your feet?
Flamenco.
Flamenco, would that do it?
One of us needs to become a Flamenco dancer.
I'm just thinking, what's it going to take?
So we have a Flamenco diary section.
For example, that's probably not a great example because it's only a small
hop-skip in a jump and you're talking about guitars again, aren't you?
And then he's back to square one. I think flamenco is itself just a combination of things we've
talked about before. Shoes, guitars, Spanish people.
Spanish people, we've actually got all the component parts I've actually ready
be. Songs about ham.
It's in there already.
But here's the way I like to think of it is,
I like to think of banter as a box of Lego chunks.
Okay.
You've built the helicopter, you've built the police station.
So what do you do?
You know what you do?
You do what I did at Friends Rost Meal on Sunday.
I'm glad you said Meal. I thought you've been invited to a comedy central style roast. It was just me and a lovely roast beef with lots of
really nice Yorkshire puddings and Jimmy Car. Absolutely slaying each other. Roast my roast, potential TV format. Hello, Million Air.
Sorry, guys, I'm leaving the podcast.
I've made a million from Roast my roast.
Roast my roast.
Ha.
Billy Connelly, yeah. Those carrots are shit. Yeah, so this isn't a good, um, good audition
Henry. Mike, Mike is your turn. All those, those past and upsand are very glossy, are
they? And who's celebrity? Past names you're talking about? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Gen Z. We get to go focus Mike. So yeah, it's a very Gen Z sort of format. Isn't it roast my roast?
Head to the belly Connolly example. If you're mentioning Daily Thompson,
he may be all be mentioning, you know, King Nebuchadnezzar.
That's already unready. Yeah.
And although Henry, I wonder, I'm here's actually been getting back to me. I wonder if you can put
in a good word with with Damon Holmes over at the AlphaCars podcast. He's actually been getting back to me. I wonder if you could put in a good word with with Aiman Holmes over at the Althuckers podcast.
Yeah, he's not been replying to my emails and we want him to be the roast master
roast my roast
With Aiman Holmes
Yeah, well
he
As you know, or I didn't if you do know this, but he has become,
he's got deep and deep into character without fuckers. So it's hard to communicate, it's hard to
it's hard to get an answer out of him. Also, anything to do with food, it will have to be,
It will have to be, well, it'll have to be palatized. So it has to come out as well.
He'll only eat something if he sees it from a very, very, very great height.
So you'll have to get him into a crane.
And the roast will have to be at least a thousand feet underneath them,
so you can barely see it.
And then he's unleashed from a sort of talk from a bungee cord.
Is that right?
He's unleashed from a bungee cord, but with a parabola.
So it's a parabolaized butt bungee.
Where by, he can't go straight down and up again because that's not how I'll work, mate.
So it has to be parabolaized.
So he'll swing down and forwards in an arc.
I see.
And he then tries to grasp as much of the roast as he can in his jaws.
With his feet.
Well, jaws and feet.
So what he'll do is he then swoops up up the other end of the parabola, like an
owl wood, and what he tries to do is, well, what he has to do is, and part of the roasting is mouth, and part of it in his feet.
And it affects me to do what he understands and how to do
with a mouse, which is break its back.
Grums.
By stuff it with a tiny onion.
Stuff it with a tiny onion.
Gulp it down.
Yeah, and then, and then of course,
then the palatine begins.
So if you're happy to catch it,
if you think you've got the budget to make all that happen.
Well, that sounds like great telly.
Yeah, it is pretty extraordinary.
If somebody is crying out to have a GoPro collected to it.
Yeah, it's always been AIMIN HUMS.
I mean, throughout, yeah.
To see the world from that perspective at that pace,
at that intensity, at the aim and the eye view.
It's always been TVs.
It's the Holy Grail, isn't it?
It's the Holy Grail of...
Of light entertainment.
Of light entertainment.
I feel like we might have to explain to foreigners
that I think maybe what a roast is.
No.
The meal.
Really?
Well, maybe. I mean, roast beef, people think of roast beef, don't they?
Internationalism is a British thing.
Oh yeah, it's even the nickname of the, of the British by the French, isn't it?
Well, what, how would you define a roast?
Um, but...
Well, it's a meat, it's a quite bad meal in which everything is roasted, apart from...
Gravy.
You know what it is?
It's very much a kind of, it feels very chewed, doesn't it,
or it's very historical.
It feels like a, it's not a modern meal, is it?
It's very, you're trying to recreate a chewed defeased.
You're trying to recreate a chewed defeased
for about, well, 12 to 18 quid.
Is this in a restaurant or in a,
I'm thinking about a pub,
I'm thinking about the pub roast here.
Okay, yeah. And I think I want to explain to the to the international listening audience that
this is a meal that about 10% of the population will eat every weekend without fail regardless
of the temperature outdoors that's true it could be 38 degrees centigrade and it's time to roast a bird and roast some root
veg.
And it has to happen on Sunday and the day will be ruined if for some reason the roast
can't happen.
Yeah.
I mean, it's why any cruise ship that launches from British ports have to be equipped to
be able to manage a roast on a Sunday.
Otherwise, they're looking at a major mutiny.
Yes, true.
It's once a week sort of necessity, isn't it?
To keep the morale of the nation even vaguely sort of on track, isn't it?
I will very rarely have a roast. I mean, I'll never make one.
Never. And in fact, the couple of times I have done it, I found it so stressful.
There are too many places to spin, basically.
I'm actually surprisingly, it's one of the few times in
life where I, well I was going to say actually, like what I was going to say
was it's one of the few times in my life where I sort of, I become very, I
become really quite sort of focused when I'm, because I can cook a roast. I
mean I can cook a roast, I can cook a Christmas roast. Ooh, big talk. Which is big talk. That's the winning the Champions League of Roasts.
Yeah. Isn't it? If you can cook a Christmas roast, that's the bit all eyes are on you.
Without having a full emotional breakdown, yeah. Without having full emotional breakdown.
Strangely, it's in the kitchen where I find my sort of, there's a kind of serenity comes over me or at least a kind of grace,
a grace under pressure. Now I realize I'm saying that. That's how it feels from my perspective
because I'm experiencing time. But that's my GoPro, but the GoPro of anyone else sort of
the GoPro of anyone else sort of observing me. It's a sort of grouchiness. It's next level grouchy. Sweating, swearing man. Sweating, swearing man. Yeah. Leave me alone. What, what, what,
what are you saying? Covered in a hundred tiny burns. Yeah. Why, why are you talking to me when
I've got carrots? Why, why are we talking with the carrots? It's about carrots. It's about carrots.
It's about carrots.
It's about the carrot batons.
We're going to take a go for it, but you've got to tell me now,
if it's not, then what the hell are you doing here, please?
Thank you.
And if you've got an issue with the carrot batons,
can you please refer to them by name?
Yes, I've named all the individual carrot batons
so that they don't mutiny.
After respect them individually and as a collective we're a team get out. Do you know how many piping hot metal trays?
I've got to deal with it any one moment
God I don't even look for the oven gloves anymore. I know I've lost them
It's fine. It'll be part of the gravy.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
You've got a hand at me, I can put bits of hand in a gravy.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It's laughing the dog. Get out!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
So many hot trays! Ah! Ha! Ha!
I'm actually still screaming from the third hot tray
and go that I held onto,
ah, three screams behind,
I'm holding onto the soapy hot tray, so often, ah!
Oh God, yeah.
There's so many hot trays, you're right.
And oven gloves, I just know where to put them down
is my problem.
You know, my kitchen is not on other metal trays.
You need a limited amount of space in your kitchen to be able to put the heart trays down.
You know, you sort of always holding one and then there's another one you haven't to hold.
You know what I do? It's not something I do as a cook.
It's um, I uh, I develop a cook, because I've got ultra focus on the roast.
Everything being nice, the right thing's being hot and the right thing's being the right texture.
Especially the roast potatoes, they're the absolute kind of...
Yeah, they're the bellweather, aren't they?
They're the bellweather, yeah. Exactly.
They have to be crisping the outside soft on the inside.
And I'm so...
I'm so ultra focused on it that what a thing happens is I develop a kind of mental hierarchy of importance of things.
So basically, they'll
come a point where I have to put this metal tray down, it's got past it's on it. All that
is is a 1950s style digital radio. It can slam the tray through it. And I'll start prioritizing
things, reprioritizing things. Well, the number of omb oblong burn marks around the kitchen at the end of the roasts.
Oblong burns everywhere.
I think once you get to the point where you put a chopping board on the floor,
and you put stuff on that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what you're in the real trouble.
I put things on the floor, because the floor is one of the only dependable heat conductors
after a certain point that will conduct heat away from a metal tray.
You should have been. So I'll put things on from a metal tray. You should've mean.
So I'll put things on the floor under tables,
but I just shove things out of the way,
and that's why the level of mess that I create is,
you know, it's horrific, but look at those potatoes.
OK, OK.
We've lost the curtains. We've lost the curtains. They've gone half
of the garden is flooded. We're not sure how that happened. You had to take the window
out of its frame to lay it on its side, put on the patio so that you could put some hot
trays on that. Yes. Sure. Alfred will never play the oboe again because both Alfred and
the oboe have been destroyed.
The Obo has been used to hold a lemon inside the ass of a turkey.
And when it plays the, the, the, G, we know it's ready.
If you play, we wish you a Merry Christmas into the Obo, the turkey's rear wings,
stuff will, will generate almost as if to the tune. Real wings.
No, I don't think take it have a front set and a back set.
Are you roasting a dragonfly?
I'm roasting a cross-priced attacking a drone.
Yeah, so that's what happens.
Essentially, there is order on the table,
the past nips of the right colour, the carrots are the right colour.
The carrots are glossy with a little bit of sweetness, the gravy's hot.
The order on the table is in direct contrast to the level of...
Rubble.
Of chaos and rubble.
Everywhere else.
In the country, yeah.
Yeah.
You have to cut out all other noise when you're making a roast.
Because also it's all about temperatures and times.
And then it's all eaten in two and a half minutes.
Two and a half minutes.
God, and no one's touched the fucking red cabbage.
No one's touched the fucking red cabbage.
But yeah, I think it doesn't need explaining.
And now I think we have explained it.
I don't think that's well known really around the world.
Is it that that's what about the roast?
Yeah, no, but the American kind of Thanksgiving thing, isn't it?
Maybe that's the...
Yes, so do they just do it once a year, basically?
Or maybe it Christmas?
What do they have a Christmas in America?
I don't know if they do Christmas as well.
But the idea that you do a sort of main transversion
of that every single Sunday, I think be would feel odd to most people.
What do Americans eat at Christmas?
It's just a huge burger.
Get around the family burger.
It's a big buzz, yeah, it gets carved and stuff.
It's just a big burger.
This isn't an episode.
Yes.
No.
No. May have sounded like an episode, but it is not an episode.
No, no, come on.
No, we're having November off, aren't we?
Yes.
This is just to say we're not here for November.
We'll be back in December.
And November's kind of like roast time, isn't it?
You know, the kind of production of roasts will start.
Well, I had my first roast of the season this weekend.
Did you?
I was telling you about before,
because it was an excellent roast pork,
which friend of mine made.
It was superb.
Crackling, there was the red cabbage mic,
but everyone had some, it was lovely.
Oh, good. There was a brilliant gravy. The potatoes were nearly perfect. Oh, okay, that was
a little bit. No, the potatoes were very good under the circumstances. Yeah, you couldn't
save out potatoes. Well, this friend is listening. The friend is going to be in pieces of that
withering criticism of their potatoes.
He's never mentioned the podcast to me,
so he can screw himself.
LAUGHTER
He doesn't listen.
He doesn't listen.
But if he does, the rest of the food, it was magnificent.
It was really, really good.
So what was the problem with the potatoes?
There wasn't a problem with them.
They just weren't exceptional
That's damning. I'm sorry, but it's a very very high-ball. No, no, the potatoes were pretty good
I can't Well, what's that?
There was this red cabbage you think was lovely though
That sort of Christmasy spicy-ish slightly red cabbage
Cinnamon was lovely though. That sort of Christmasy, spicy-ish, slightly red cabbage. Cinnamon? I think there may have been some cinnamon, some mace, and some star anise, one of those flavours.
Of course, mouthwatering, and the crackling, but lovely. This is why the roast in a restaurant or pub
is generally a bit shit,
because it's all about the timing,
everything the time's coming together,
whereas in a restaurant you're running that kitchen over,
you know, you might have 70, 80 covers.
Good job, isn't it?
An hour.
And the chef's a drug addict.
It's normally the problem.
The chef's a drug addict.
He's locked himself in that big fridge
and he's just doing drugs and he has to cook for about two months.
So that's why it tends to be a bit sloppy and a bit, isn't it?
So Mike, November?
Yeah, how does it look for you? I'll be in a state of deep sleep, largely speaking. Okay. You're having anything, aren't it? So Mike, November? Yeah. How does it look for you? I'll be in a state of deep sleep,
largely speaking. Okay. You're having anything, aren't you? Yeah, very much. Very, very, very deep
hibernation. So today I'm just going to eat as many sort of fish skins as I can to make sure
you want to get the calcium up, don't you? Calories and the calcium and the oils to the oils.
Yes.
And then get myself to a safe place for the slumber,
but a place where I can also be prodded away
at the end of November in a way
that I'm not going to be a danger to anyone.
Well, best of luck, Mike, is there an area of extra people
should try and avoid?
Already sort of say sort of southeast, Dartmoor.
I would say.
OK.
OK.
Yeah.
That's used for this, Nick, because then you can wake up
and directly just eat a horse.
Eat a wild pony.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
For me, as for me, I will be spending November, well,
first day in November, November the first,
I'll be making a big bottom-aids.
Yeah.
And I'm going to try and make it last until
December. But it's the November, bottom a's, isn't it for you?
Yeah. Ben, do you do that thing that like people do with
sourdough whereby you keep the actual, the sort of the bottom a
starter? The one they start was actually still the same. What
you'll carry that kernel of a kernel of a bottom a's is still
it's actually technically alive, isn't it? And it has been since 1993 because you've, you've, you've got a kernel of a Bollinets that's actually technically alive, isn't it? It has been since 1993.
Because you've got one that's since you're like, undergrad days, isn't it?
Well, no, I bought one on Ebay the other day that goes back to the Podonic Wars.
It was the Podonic Zone.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's sort of Corsican Bollinets.
Right.
Yes, that's me.
That's Henry.
I'm going to be, it's all about catching up on theatre for me, I remember.
Because it's with the podcast and everything. It's hard to have time.
The rest of the year. So, Lion King?
Yeah, Lion King.
Leimez.
I'm particularly looking forward to checking out
Uncle Vanya with Robert Pestin. Pestin's Vanya. Everyone's talking about it.
He's playing all of the parts, isn't he? He's playing all of the parts.
Apart from the daughter he's played by Nick Robinson. That's right.
Oh, because of course John Soapel is doing one man cat, isn't he? He's taking that on the road.
So I don't know if you'd be hard if you just see. Sople's cat is on the road at the moment.
It's in Leicester and might try and pop up there. But I have heard it's, he's absolutely
terrible. So yeah, a lot of that kind of stuff. Just a busy one for you then.
Just cultural, you know, topping up my culture, cylinders.
Right, so that's the end of this non-episode.
If you want more beans, of course, you can go to patreon.com
for just a three-beam salad, where you can listen to our extra beans bonus episodes,
lots of extra stuff to listen to there.
If you find yourself at an hour
or a loose end, and just before we finish, we've had a theme tune sent in by Joss.
Oh yes, please.
Lovely.
Do you miss beans? I've spent the last two days on bed rest, lost upon the rolling
seas of high fever and acute testicular pain. Oh, dear.
Yesterday, I was informed by an apologetic young GP that I've contracted
a mysterious and apparently non-specific bologn infection. Whilst I cannot fault the
care I was given, my doctor's inexplicable youth served to remind me of my own fragile mortality,
which is deepened my woe. Somewhere between sleeping, waking and despair, my fevered mind
produced this surprisingly energetic theme tune for you. It has spoken to me and called itself Mission Impossible,
Mike Oldfield.
As I lie, wretched in the long shadows of my lost youth
and aching testies, I find comfort in the hope
that my creation may one day reach your ears.
Forever yours, Josh.
This has really sent in the heart of a raging fever,
raging orkitus, poor Josh. But I think like a wild flower
that has grown from a dark place. Maybe. Good evening. So thanks, Josh. And to all listening, see you
in December. Bye. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye Thank you.
you