Three Bean Salad - The Beach
Episode Date: March 27, 2024Matt from Newcastle gets the beans chatting about the beach this week. Sure they cover the hits (your shingle, your windbreaks, your snorkels and so on) but they also cast a bean smeared lens over the... behavioural psychology, the paleoanthropology and yes the very mythos of the towel/bare arse interface.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpodLIVE SHOW TICKETS:MANCHESTER: https://www.seetickets.com/tour/three-bean-saladBRISTOL: https://tobaccofactorytheatres.com/shows/three-bean-salad-podcast-live/MACHYNLLETH: https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2024/three-bean-salad-three-bean-salad-podcast-live-2/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I haven't made a big deal about it. I'm not going to make a big deal about it. But I have
just got over quite a bad cold.
Oh, you poor thing. You poor little baby bird.
Honestly, it wasn't that bad.
When people think of the suffering that's going on in the world, they're not really
exactly. That's partly why I don't want to go on about it. It's not even a fraction of
a lot of the stuff that's happening. You know, why everything is a fraction of something
else. I mean, but it's the only bit that's happening. You could calculate it as a fraction,
but it wouldn't be a big fraction. No fractions are. So God, you can't
have a big fraction. So he can have a big fraction. Nine tenths of a diplodocus. That's
most of it, isn't it? Or it depends what 10th you're missing, but you could be, you could
be looking at a reasonably well functioning diplodocus there. I mean, it depends which,
which 10th you've taken off in terms of whether I'm going to
beat it in a fight.
Just a bit of girth.
That's the worst for me.
That's the worst possible thing because that's made it more lethal, if anything.
So it's a slim, lean, mean, angry diplodocus.
It's streamlined.
It's an aerodynamic diplodocus.
Recently untensed, furious diplodocus.
Really annoyed about its untent thing because it's just bought a new pair of trousers, which
is very, very, very expensive to make.
Well they've got to be quadro-legged for a start, haven't they?
They've got to be quadro-legged.
There's only a few Italian tailors that still do that.
They've got to be waterproof, quite durable material in a primordial jungle.
They need to be scaly.
Really?
Yes. Is that why all of your trousers look like
a pair of hairy Turkish legs? That's right. That's your view on trousers. I still bet.
You shouldn't be able to tell if someone is wearing trousers, if they're wearing trousers.
No, you shouldn't. That's the perfect pair of trousers. That's why I'll buy trousers
from a normal shop, EG Zara, and I'll take them to a tailor's and I'll say, if you could
just bring these in a bit and if you could just hairy Turkish legs them for me, thank
you.
We should just point out that Henry is Turkish. Mike hasn't picked out the Turkish nations,
particularly hairy legs. That's not what he was going for.
No, it's not like an Afghan carpet or something or a Persian rug. We're not just going for
some sort of Near Eastern evocative descriptor.
No, they just specifically, I do have hairy Turkish legs.
Like many of us, Henry's got all sorts of stuff in the mix, DNA-wise, haven't you? But
your legs, the Turkish element is punched through hard.
It's absolutely no point getting a DNA test on my legs. It's a waste of time. They're
clearly Turkoman through and through. I mean, they go back to the earliest Turkoman tribes.
You can trace them back to the actual, they say to the original Turk potentially.
Dennis Turk.
Dennis Turk, who had the hairiest legs in the region, we assume, which is why his is
so important.
I don't know if I've ever really had a good look at your legs. I'm imagining a kind of
Mr Tumness kind of effect.
So is he a children's character?
Yeah, he's in The Lion and the Witch and the Ordrape. He's got the legs of a goat.
Oh, how the fawn.
I was thinking of Mr Tumble, who's a presenter.
I was thinking of Mr Tumble as well. Yeah, you're right. He's a fawn. Yeah,
that's a good shout. Well, Henry is the one who needs to answer the question about the
hooves at the end. I mean, that's what Henry did say.
Well, that's why I also get, in the same way that I make sure my trousers look like hairy human legs,
I also make sure all my footwear look like hairy human feet to wear over my hoops.
So it's not the full, it's not the full tumnus, it's not the small shit-clagged tail.
No, that's my own. That's nothing to do with my genetic heritage. That was nurture rather
than nature.
That's dietary.
That's dietary. And to a degree, learn cultural behaviour. Hanging out with a bad crew at school.
Of course you've got to cover up the cloven hooves in case people think you are Biel
Zabob himself.
That's the problem, isn't it?
That's right.
That's a risk.
When you've got hooves.
Has the devil got hooves?
I think traditionally.
Cloven hooves, forked beard, forked fork.
Yes, and yet they say that the greatest trick he ever pulled was...
Yeah.
M&M world, isn't it?
Yeah.
M&M.
Because I don't... you know, like the idea of what Satan looks like, which is kind of
a red skin...
Yeah.
Hooves, sometimes, I think.
Yeah, absolutely.
Horns.
Goaty beard.
It's like an evil goat, basically.
It's very goat, isn't it?
But ironically, it doesn't have the face of a goat. Oh
Exactly, which is the ties into our ghost episode, doesn't it? Because of course ghost comes from the same linguistic derivation of goat. Isn't it goat?
goat ghost
And grout grouting and grout ghost. Yeah
They're all filled they all derive from the same, the Latin gotus meaning.
Yeah. From the Indo-European, for really Larry Goose. Yeah, exactly. Which was felt to be the scariest thing in the European planes. But Mike, if you'd allow me to be a little bit like, sort of
have a QI moment. Yeah. When did that depiction of Satan come around? It's probably because of like
Coca-Cola or something, isn't it?
They bought Satan, of course.
Of course.
Yeah, they bought Satan.
That's why he's red.
That's why he's red, isn't it?
It's a classic branding.
They bought the big ones.
I think we can buy both Santa and Satan, the two big red S's.
We've got everything covered.
And Santander, of course.
The devil's bank.
And of course Santana. Santana.
The devil South American guitar maestro.
Central American.
Yeah, kachow. Is he Mexican?
He's Mexican, yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, sorry, carry on. Satan. Yes, it's a great topic, isn't it, Satan, to
bring people together, I find. It's a real, it's the pitchfork as topic, isn't it, Satan, to bring people together, I find. It's the
pitch fork as well, isn't it? Everything's forked because of course, well, like forks
in the road, is that to do with...
Isn't it more to do with the kind of barbecue element?
But things are bifurcated, things are forked, things are divided, aren't they? Whereas the
true road was just one straight road.
That's the most profound thing you've ever said.
But in barbecue tools wise, Satan of course is the fork.
He's very readily shown holding some tongs.
Or a spatula. Isn't it? It's true.
How did you get over your cold, Harry?
Oh yes, I had a cold. I had really quite a bad, you
know what, I did actually have quite a bad cold. Quite a bad mild illness. I had quite
a bad mild illness. I was in bed for a couple of, well, a couple of nights. I was in bed.
But quite longer than usual in bed. Okay. And getting up a bit later than usual. So
I had some light a couple of lions essentially. Call them midweek lions.
I had a couple of midweek lions is another way of looking at this.
I did have a bad cold right. I've learned something which I can share, which is they say don't.
Don't get a blood transfusion off a blokey me outside the tube station.
Which is, um, they say don't, don't get a blood transfusion off a blokey me outside the tube station.
No matter how charming it is.
And actually he claims to have special powers that he will infuse you with.
To be honest, it's almost the more he claims to have special powers, probably
almost, almost the more you shouldn't do it almost that's actually what I'm
missing there.
If any, yeah, it's, it's counterintuitive, but if anything, yeah, okay, it was a great deal. I mean, I'm not getting around the fact
that, but maybe there's a reason why it was such a great deal.
And also especially if once the transfusion starts and he's clearly not using blood and
instead using a bottle of Castrol GTX, some motor oil.
Yeah, that's another worry. Also, why isn't, why is all that oil, why is it not even in
the bottle? Why is it just you carrying around in the Tesco's bag?
Some in the palm of his hands.
Yeah, a lot of it's in the palm of his hands.
And why is he funneling it into your anus? Is that how blood transfusion works?
Is that how it works? And actually, is £25,000 a good deal actually? To have Castrol GTX followed up your own as I have a Tesco bag.
Is it actually, when you think about it from a different way, is that actually a good deal?
Especially when it's happening for all to see on Old Street Roundabout.
Well, yeah.
I mean, my thinking was obviously witnesses, but if you're thinking witnesses,
are you in a safe healthcare setting?
If you're, if you're worrying about witnesses.
So yeah, there were, there were red flags.
He did offer me a receipt to be fair.
Yeah.
Okay.
Please say you took it.
Well, it was an IOU for a receipt.
It was, it was, it was a non written.
It was a verbal, it was a verbal I for a receipt. It was a non-written.
It was a verbal IOU.
We didn't actually get as far as you.
It was a verbal IOU.
It was too busy to say you, he explained.
That probably wouldn't be for a cash refund anyway.
That would probably be just for an equivalent service.
Yeah, or a credit note of some sort.
It was for a credit note, redeemable. Some windscreen washer dialysis.
Yeah, exactly. So I was offered a full windscreen washer dialysis, not the fluid, actual windscreen washers he was going to offer to him to insert. Yeah, windscreen washers,
his phrase was down your fucking gullet, your prick was it was it was it.
It was at this moment that a plumber arrived at my house and so we had to take a short
break. But then we carried on with the show.
Ben's just just had a little plumbing interruption, which is not a euphemism for going to the
toilet. But you have had a little plumbing interruption haven't you?
I mean, we're gonna have a new tap.
What?
Yeah, I know. Things are gonna change around here guys, once I'm a guy with a new tap.
What are you talking about guys? I like sparkling water or something. You say tap singular,
what's the, was this a real ale tap?
Put it this way, the three bean salad merch has been doing pretty well. Someone's got
new tap money.
Someone, no not new tap, a tap. Someone has tap money. So it's no longer just the kind
of the gushing sort of gushing pipe system. Is it where you have to use a, because before
you used to have to use a spanner to actually open up.
Hoika sort of lever out in the yard out the back.
You had to hoika lever out.
The one that you're watering the donkeys from, yeah?
Yeah, yeah. Your donkey express.
We'd use a pickaxe to access the water main.
And then obviously the company would come and fix it the following day and then we'd
re-re-pickaxe it.
Yeah, and then we'd have to shout, release the stopcock, release the stopcock.
And it was full water or no water there was no
wasn't it whereas now you can actually choose should also say to any American
listeners we are talking about a force it yes force it I always think about and
far a force it because I think her name sounds quite cool to a UK ear but really
her name is just far a tap but me can say the same for loads of people, like Jeff Bridges.
I mean, what would you rather he was called?
The Bridges are majestic and kind of-
Bridges are majestic.
Their testament to man's ingenuity and all that kind of stuff, whereas a Tapp is just
like-
I think Benjamin Partridge, you are in a glass house and you are throwing half a brick.
He really are.
What, the most majestic bird on God's earth?
The most terrifying predator?
It's the only bird that's less aerodynamic than a pig.
It needs to be hit by a truck to become airborne.
Or shot, Mike. you can shoot it airborne.
It's true, they get shot up into the sky, don't they? It's the only time they ever,
just before death, they get to briefly experience what it was like. Oh, this would have been
quite good. And then they're being ripped to shreds by a mixture of different, different
types of dog, aren't they? Well Pam sometimes probably if you're out in the park
Because dogs they're lovely but present them with a jittering partridge.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Mortally wounded partridge.
They'll finish the job.
If Pam saw a partridge, her breeding would kick in like that, right?
Finish the job, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, she'd be off like a hairy rocket.
Yeah.
Which again, isn't a euphemism, but I mean, it's literally, well...
Well, it is a euphemism, isn't it?
Easy euphemism, yeah, but in this case for a dog, not for a... Yeah. Not for Which again, isn't it euphemism, but I mean, it's literally, well, it is euphemism, isn't it? It is euphemism. Yeah. But in this case,
for a dog, not for a, yeah. Not for an airborne penis.
So we've got a few chat strands here that we've started. One is, you know, talking about Ben's
taps, I feel like the ghost, it's almost like, by talking in a lighthearted way about Ben's taps, I feel like the ghost, it's almost like, but by by talking in a lighthearted way about Ben's,
Ben's attitude to plumbing and taps, I feel I've been cursed
and punished in real time by the the gods of the gods of the
pipe. My two part aluminium, beer, let the Italian coffee
maker stop working.
Oh my god.
I tried to put on a quick coffee right in the middle
in the break. Now I use the, you know, the two part metal, the Italian style, two metal
parts. You put it on the hob. Yeah. So when you imagine like a very wizened old Italian
man making. Yeah. Or a sexy young dynamic Londoner. Yeah. Exactly. One of those ones,
right? So listening to Puccini at the same time. Yeah.
Cigarette in hand.
Exactly.
Harrowing past.
Harrowing past.
A wardrobe stuffed to the girls with fascist memorabilia.
And also a little wooden little sort of case he carries around with him, right, with lots
of drawers in it.
He puts it on the table, he presses the button, all these draws pop out with like loads of different
mustaches he can wear for different occasions. And also, mustaches he's worn in the past.
This is the mustache I wore on my daughter's wedding that I kissed Benito Mussolini's daughter.
And this is the moustache upon which my father's uncle sailed to America.
And actually, this is a lovely little moustache I picked up in Zara.
The other day, really good value. Made in China, of
course, but still it's mainly synthetic as well. So it's very flammable.
It's a mixture of synthetic and Chinese badger.
Yes. That sort of thing.
A little xenophobic character there from Three Bean Salad.
A nicely rounded, a nicely rounded xenophobic character there to be fair.
This is my ping pong mustache.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, wrap it up.
We all know that the idea that Italians are obsessed with ping pong is a dangerous, damaging
stereotype.
As a well-worn, as a damaging stereotype. So yeah, I first fell in love with these little contraptions when I was actually on holiday
in Sicily in an Airbnb, as it happens, and there was one of them in the kitchen and I
didn't know how to use it.
But you did know how to steal it.
That chicken has come home to roost, hasn't it?
It has.
This is the large mustache I use for shoplifting.
It has a secret compartment in the bottom.
But I fell in love with it.
But basically it took me, it took me the whole week to work at how it's really hard to work
at how to work them.
If you ever end up in a situation where you need to make a coffee, but all you've got
is one of those ones.
Because they like they've got four, four parts. And if you get the metal together in the wrong
order, it explodes. So you get like hotter than the center of the sun, hot coffee.
And that's why I use Nescafé Gold Blend.
Much less problematic. But I remember, Mike, when you discovered that, wasn't it? You were
staying in a lovely little, little Airbnb, weren't you, in Derby?
when you discovered that, wasn't it? You were staying in a lovely little,
little Airbnb, weren't you in Derby?
I was saying, what? Take 18 working parts into the shower. Not me.
I just take a kettle and some dry sachets.
And you have your sort of filthy coffee, sort of brown, nasty coffee shower that you have every morning.
Certainly do. Yeah.
If you get it wrong, they go red hot or gas steams out of it.
They've got a little tiny little valve on the side that I'm always quite scared of.
A tiny valve.
It's not clear how important is the valve.
It sounds like the sort of valve that when you need it, you really need it.
Yeah, it's one of those valves.
I mean, generally people don't put valves on things for fun.
It feels like when you're using one of those things, you are grappling with the very fundamentals
of physics.
You really are. It's pure naked hard physics.
Yeah, like you could turn gravity upside down if you've got it wrong and suddenly everything's
on the ceiling.
And the stakes are so, so high because if I don't have a morning bloody coffee, I'll
tell you what it will be, a nuclear explosion. Yeah, good stuff.
Put it on a tea towel.
Yeah, it could tie in with the Oppenheimer film. It was tasteful but fun.
Coff, Coffenheimer?
No.
Coffenheimer. Tell you what, don't know about the Manhattan project, but if I don't have my morning espresso, then come on, it really will be World War III.
Similar.
Yeah.
By the way, I saw Oppenheimer last week.
Good film. That's a good one.
Really putting your neck on the line there.
So basically what happens is when you're trying to grapple with one of these coffee makers,
right, the stakes are really high because you want a coffee.
A. B. The temperatures are crazy we're talking about because everything is metal.
It's just sheer metal.
There's no, there's very little in the way of rubberised padding or towelette handgrip.
Classic meltables and flammables.
It's all your meltables and flammables.
It feels like you want to operate it with those gloves and through a glass wall
that people operate, you know, plutonium and stuff.
You know what I mean?
Like one of those kinds of things.
Can I tell you what?
You might need a couple of those.
You have to have a meeting with me before I've had my morning nespresso.
It's good stuff.
But you have basically what happens is you end up having to operate it using oven gloves,
which are incredibly are a blunt tool at the best of times.
Yeah.
Because they got so little.
Well, as soon as you've got the oven gloves on, the dash ability of that coffee pot, the
chance of you dashing it onto the ground, incredibly high.
Do you mean deliberately dashing in a state of anger?
No, I mean, I mean like an accidental dash.
Oh, I've dashed onto the floor.
I've dashed onto the floor.
Yeah, it's so easy to dash.
And also you're trying to untwist things.
Presumably you have to have the correct footwear to even start this process then, if that's
the case.
For the love of God, you have to be wearing Italian, lovely Italian slip-ons to do any
of this, otherwise it's very, very dangerous.
Hobnailed slip-ons. Hobnailed Italian slip ons to do any of this. Otherwise it's very, very dangerous. Hobnailed slip ons.
Hobnailed Italian slip ons.
But I'll tell you what, you wish you were wearing running shoes if you come across Henry
before he's had his morning coffee in the morning.
Yeah, come on mate. Nice.
I'm just joining in actually.
I'm joining in.
Everyone has a... Yeah, everyone... You can. You can pile on. Have fun.
And I'm only saying that because I actually have had my morning coffee because if I hadn't
had my morning coffee I wouldn't actually be in favour of you piling on for the checks
about my morning coffee.
Because you're having to untwist things and it's red hot.
You're wearing oven gloves.
It's like, you know, you feel like a panda suddenly, like a useless panda.
You just can't do anything.
You're trying to untwist things.
The temperatures are red hot. You twist things on or...
You're stuffing fistfuls of bamboo into your mouth.
You're stuffing fistfuls of bamboo into your mouth. And what happens is, right, it's a
bit like a sort of Rubik's Cube or like a sort of Crystal Maze challenge or something. You're
looking at this thing and it's only got four parts and it can't be that hard. But every
time you experiment, it's at high temperatures. It's highly stressful. And there's a few metal
disks which can be one way or the other.
And, and here's the important bit.
And here's the bit, which is going to bring us back around home, back home
safely and land this anecdote nice and safe, nice and smooth, a rubberized
replaceable sort of gasket.
I was going to say, um, sort of synthetic sphincter, but I think maybe, maybe gasket
is it, it's like a rubber ring.
Yeah. It's a gasket.
Is that a gasket? Okay.
Yeah.
So you made it that word to stop people saying rubberized synthetic sphincter.
Yeah. Susan gasket was very sensitive about any sort of ass talk.
She really was. She didn't like it at all.
She hated the word.
Yeah.
Well, it was named after her, her rubber ass, wasn't it?
She was the first person to have a rubber anus transplant.
Sick and bloody tired of talking about things very much.
But basically, long story short, the way it works is that essentially, in the industrial
revolution...
Oh my god.
In old Turin.
I think almost everything has a rubberized gasket in it, doesn't it? Which is the bit
that you replace. What's happened is my one, I haven't changed mine for about a year. My
gasket's gone brown. It's swelling. It's bloated. I've got a bloated gasket. And what that means
is as soon as the gasket, as soon as something tiny doesn't stops working in the system,
my coffee machine becomes this like hell beast, terrifying, impossible to predict monster.
And it just stops. It's completely stopped making coffee. But all that heat energy is
still going into it from the hob. And what happens is essentially completely, your guess
is as good as mine when this happens, like anything can happen almost. So what happened this time is Chris crispy bubbles, black, I'm not, I'm not joking. Foul smell, black
crispy bubbles happening around the base of the machine.
And you're trapped in one now. Acoustics are quite good. I'm talking to you through one of them. Actually perfect place to record a podcast, haven't I?
Shall we turn on the B machine? Yes, please. OK, this week's topic, sent in by Matt from Newcastle.
Thank you, Matt.
Is the beach.
Interesting.
My thing with the beach is that, um, I think the beach is that you want it until you're there.
Yes.
That's what I have with the beach.
You get bored on beach holidays, don't you? After a couple of days.
See, I don't experience this at all.
I get bored within minutes, like minutes.
I'm like, where's, where's the stimulation?
Where are the ideas?
Where's Pinta?
I mean, I've got a book of Pinta on obviously with me cause I'm at the
beach, but where's actual pit.
Where is actually where actually is.
Where's Harold?
Come to me Harold.
All feels a bit boring.
You need stimulation.
I need stimulation.
I need ideas.
Like a sort of 10 year old boy.
Yeah, or like a great intellectual.
I don't think I've ever been on a beach holiday as an adult.
The closest I've done is, actually I went to Keflonia.
Yeah.
There was some beach action, but there was also some, you know, ancient palace of the
virgins, you know, that kind of business.
Yeah.
Some cultural hits, some historical.
Yeah.
Historical hits.
Yeah.
I could, I could idle away huge, huge, huge swathes of time.
Really?
Bobbing about in the sea, frankly.
Read a murder mystery or one of my, one of my lacaries.
No problem.
Me, a Grisham in the sea.
The most tedious memoir ever written.
A series of accounts of what he can remember from various Grishams and various club sandwiches.
A series of complaints about various different hired snorkel masks and the various, which
didn't fully work.
And a lingering question at the end of the book,
of course, is that because the snorkel mask, because of Mike's tapering face, maybe it's
hard for a rubberised face sphincter to get enough bite to get enough hold on Mike's face.
That's the rubberised bit around a snorkel mask I'm referring to. It got a really good example of a great example of a rubber gasket. Isn't it? Yeah
That's the gasket which sometimes your face gasket is a matter of life and death. So Mike when you're holiday
Do you because you know those um, those cheesy what they call those cheesy breadcrumb covered little cheesy
So like a goujong, but without the chicken
in it, you know, like a cheesy, yeah, it would be called like a cheese bite or something.
Wouldn't a cheese bite? Yeah. Which you sometimes get those at a buffet in a restaurant, but
essentially one at a breakfast buffet. Do you shove those up the sides of your mask
to help with snogging or is it just anything you can grab from the buffet? Do you try different
things on different days of the holidays? You're like chicken escrow buoyancy. Yeah.
Well, the buffet is, there's two categories. There's obviously,
there's getting your free lunch out of the breakfast buffet, isn't there?
Which is important.
That's crucial.
And then there's buoyancy.
Yeah, buoyancy devices.
You want flotation devices, but you also want some dense hams because you do want to get
down to the lower depths as well to be able to get a sort of bit of a balance.
So you're talking about full ham wetsuit?
Ideally, yes. If you can manage a sort of a salami shorty, I find that's the perfect thing.
That's right. And then what you'll have is you'll have a buoyancy quiche,
hold in one hand. As you release slices of the quiche, you can adjust your buoyancy.
Only down though.
You can't add more slices of quiche.
Well, unless you've got, on the other hand, you've got another quiche.
And eventually the dates and yoghurt will kick in and that will produce a bit of gas
that you can use to float back up to the surface at a safe pace.
And really quite delicate now, you can just lower yourself a couple of centimetres down
for someone to get a better shot of a more ale, for example. You can lower yourself a couple of centimetres down, someone to get a better shot of a more ale for example.
You can lower yourself a couple of centimetres down can't you just by say spitting out an
orange.
There's no more ales, there's no sort of floral form or anything like that.
It's all just sort of, you know, wherever I go on my beach holidays, everything is dead
in there.
It's just, you know, what different size shoes can you find?
Maybe a bandana nappy.
Perhaps some other snorkeling kit that's been left
behind in the sun to the bottom.
Yeah.
And you love all that, don't you?
Oh yeah.
But the whole thing started, isn't it just simple because you had that gap between snorkel
mask and your fat in your cheeks.
Yeah.
We're just shoving a couple of deviled eggs up by each side.
It's just something you hadn't even.
It's just what I had.
It's just what I've taken out of the roughly at the time.
It's all I had to hand at the time.
You just had them on you anyway.
It was like a dream.
Just to build out the face a bit.
Yeah, and the develing process helps actually to keep the glass clear, the prospects clear
on the mask itself.
But that's why you've actually become quite good at facial prosthetics, haven't you?
Because when you mould that, say pureed tuna, for example, it's actually quite similar to human flesh, isn't it?
Pureed tuna is very, very good indeed, or a quite badly made mushroom omelette as well.
It's just the right texture.
Yeah, definitely don't use pureed tuna in any situation in which that could be basically
misconstrued as chum by any kind of man-eating sharks.
That's why I don't holiday in the Caribbean.
Because you can actually create a feeding frenzy, can't you, of a mixture of barracuda, great white sharks, orca, and actual tourists from the hotel next door.
Everyone was coming around trying to get a piece.
Yeah, it's strictly Mediterranean resorts that have been ruined by the British.
Come on, Mike, and the Dutch. The Dutch and the
Deutsche have played a part, absolutely. It's a systematic Northern European battering of
a previously beautiful Spanish town.
And for you it's a successful snorkelling trip. If you come back and people are like,
well, do you see anything good? And you're like, yeah, I read the instructions on the
back of a packet of German condoms.
Yeah. And my squits only lasted one day this time. Yeah. And your budget for that.
Your budget for it. Yeah. And the squits also, of course, has also operated as chum, hasn't
it? To your, to your, um,
We'll be seeing it again the next day. Absolutely. Yeah.
Staining the waves.
So what's your, what's your sort of beach policy, the two of you, do you, do you go on one of those like wooden beach beds that go with a resort or go
with a restaurant or are you getting your towel straight down on the sand?
Yeah, because I'm gonna be a surcharge for them. It's, it's, it's towel all the way.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or just the bare hot, hot sand.
And for you, avoiding a surcharge is part of the fun. Don't see it as when, it's not
a negative, is it, avoiding a surcharge? You are embracing not paying a surcharge. Like,
it's a thing you're, it's a positive, isn't it? It's like, it's fun.
Yeah. You've got a bunch of pineapple chunks and hams from the buffet that are drying out
on your towel there for lunch a bit later on. You haven't paid for that. You haven't paid for that for well in advance.
Not paid for your towel. Seas free. In you go.
If your kids want that something to read, you've got the safety instructions from the
plane which you've you've snaffled. It's a comic book.
It's a tragic, tragic comic book. You've got the little free pillows from the plane as well.
Yeah. Yeah. They work very well as a sort of not particularly effective parasol.
Yeah.
What I like about the British beach experience is how crucial the windbreak is.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Like, you know, you know, it's a British summertime when you're like hammering in a windbreak
so that you can basically exist
on the beach with that.
So you can do anything, anything absolutely basic.
And it's got nothing to do with modesty at all.
Oh no.
Yeah. What is the, so what is the windbreak? I don't think I've even heard about it.
That's when it would normally be like bright, a series of brightly coloured horizontal stripes,
the fabric, quite plasticky fabric separated by wooden stakes that you ram into the shingle
of the British beach in order to protect your barbecue equipment, to protect your cans.
Your pasty children.
From the cold north wind.
Yeah, exactly.
It's not really for modesty.
That's still very much like if you're getting into into your swim as that's you know, you have to observe the tradition of doing that
with a towel wrapped around yourself
And you know that at least one aunt is going to let something slip at some point. There's gonna be great fun. I
Used a towel system by the way, I was using the towel system the other day in the changing room at
The place where I do spinning, yeah, so which is um, it's form of cycling that's on the spot in the changing room at the place where I do spinning.
Yeah.
So, which is, um, it's a form of cycling that's on the spot in the changing room
there, I adopt, I use and have my whole life and probably I imagine always will.
I use the beach getting changed system in changing rooms, in swimming pools,
sports places, whatever, wherever I get the towel round.
I've got a Solero in one hand.
You do it at the side of the pool.
But whereas, whereas obviously some people don't do that.
I think I'm very much in the camp of, you know, we've all seen a man's naked
body before.
Yeah.
So why should the receptionist be any different?
No special rules. is it in reception?
No, but I think I am the guy in the changing rooms, you know, shamelessly, tolling off
my balls.
Right.
Oh, you are that guy.
Yeah.
Cloud upon cloud of hot talc.
Yeah, exactly.
So Ben, you see, it's interesting that you're that guy because the other day I was thinking
about that guy and thinking what is that guy's problem essentially?
No, but what is your problem?
I was doing my thing, which is I humbly go to the darkest corner of the changing room.
I face the wall.
I humbly-
Concealed your shame.
I conceal my shame.
I wear a black hooded cassock.
You start the Gregorian chanting. All flesh is sin. I then released two decoy
Henrys. So there's two, so a bit like that scene at the end of that film. The Matrix.
Now you know that film where it's a Piers Brosnan being an art thief. Oh yeah. The Thomas Crown
affair. The Thomas Crown Affair?
The Thomas Crown Affair. Do you remember what he does at the end? He starts taroting himself
off. He starts taroting himself off in a bowler hat. And it turns out no one wants to sort
of, everyone just sort of looks really embarrassed for a bit and he runs off. All the plays are
too embarrassing to arrest him. At the end of that film he releases into the art gallery
like 50 or like 100 people who dress exactly the same as him. So they don't know who to
arrest. It's brilliant. It's really good. I just have some similar sort of thing. I hire a couple
of decoy Henry's that look a bit like me.
Jason Satham and Vin Diesel.
But I just very humbly and modestly get up, get about, you know, get changed. Whereas
there's some guys just standing there with their legs on the bench and I feel like, I know I've had this question, are they, are they making a point?
Are they trying to, is this some sort of like territory thing or are they, what are they
trying to make a point or are they just totally relaxed people? Cause I've got this thing
like that. My monkey, my baboon brain is going, your baboon brain is going reveal your ass,
pump it full of blood. The moon brain's going, reveal your ass. Pump it full of blood.
The moon is high.
And then I shall decide whether or not you are my new king.
My moon brain's going, flood the ass pipes, flood the ass pipes, engorge, engorge.
Be the alpha.
Yeah, so part of it is going to be like, this is do or die.
I've got to defeat this person through ass size or by trying to kill him with my fingernails
or just something horrific's got to happen because this is absolute war.
In biological baboon terms, this is a declaration of ass war.
Do you know what I mean?
That is going on in your brain system, partly?
And partly it's just thinking...
And one of you is going to end up rolling on your back, presenting all of your udders
up into the sky.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Total submission.
Yeah.
Vanquished.
So I've got the udders are ready to go.
I've got the arse and the udders.
They're both...
Well, I've tried to mainly engorge the arse because you don't...
But it's nice to have the others
as a backup, so I have slightly engorged them.
The really confident move would be just to engorge the ass and leave the others.
Let's hope something else is entirely unengorged.
I've completely de-engorged my face.
Feeling a bit light headed at this point. To concentrate.
My face looks like when you put a packet of crisps in the oven and it shrinks up. That's
what my facial features are. It's like a mini version of my face. My facial features in
the middle of my head.
But my arse is more than made up for it because it's absolutely huge.
As blue as the skies of my fatherland.
Maybe I'll go back there one day.
But in the meantime, I'm going to wave my huge arse around.
A municipal changing room.
A municipal changing room?
So part of me is thinking, this is a declaration of war from an arrogant baboon that seeks
to take not one, but all of my mates and all of my territory
and to cover my face with his mask probably. All kinds of horrible, horrible, horrible,
primal stuff is happening. Part of me is thinking that and the other part of me is thinking,
he's probably just like a geography teacher who's quite happy in himself, has three kids,
really nice guy and he's just quite relaxed.
He's congratulating himself that he's managed to make it out for a swim for once on his
lunch break.
Yeah, exactly. Good thing he's managed to get the swim in now because it means he'll
be in good shape taking his daughter out tonight for his seventh birthday. No you're not mate,
you're about to die at the hands of my arse. It's too late!
Better cancel TGI Fridays.
Oh my god.
That table's free tonight.
Because you're getting smothered my friend.
You're getting your throat ripped out by an arse.
Yeah, yeah.
And sure, maybe the last thing you do see with it is, my semi-engorged udders, what
could have been yours? It's time to plug some stuff. Live shows. We're doing Machinteth Comedy Festival. I
thought they were sold out, but they're not.
Two dates.
We're doing two dates and the Saturday at midday is sold out, but the Sunday at midday
is not sold out.
Very good.
So, if you're at Mach Comedy Festival.
2024, in case you're listening, in the distant future.
Yes.
And I think that's on May the...
Something.
Something.
Yes, correct.
It's the first weekend of May.
I'll put a link in the show notes to that.
If you're going to be in Mach, come along.
It's May the 5th.
May the 5th.
Sunday May the 5th is not sold out, so please come.
Manchester, we're doing live shows in April and there will be some more tickets on sale
for those, hopefully, but we're not sure when.
Very good.
April 24th, that is.
Wednesday.
But I'm waiting for an email from a man called John.
Very good.
Sounds solid.
Sounds trustworthy.
Yeah.
But I'll put a link to the ticket page in the show notes because I think that
they're running a waiting list.
So you can add your email address to that and then you'll be on the waiting list.
Ooh, lovely.
And we're also doing a live show in Bristol on the 15th of April.
We certainly are Tobacco Factory.
By the time this goes out, I think the Patreon pre-sale will have opened and
then general sale is opening on Wednesday the 27th, on the day that this comes out.
I think that's half past midday. And that's the Tobacco Factory Theatre.
Get stuck in, get involved, come and see a live show.
And hopefully we'll have more in the future, other places.
We're just dipping our toe in the water really.
But we're seeing the show, aren't we, at the moment? We're seeing it as
Abba Journey Unplugged., we're seeing it as Abba Journey
unplugged. Yeah.
Isn't it?
Abba Journey. Abba Voyage.
We're not allowed to say Abba Voyage, are we?
But just to confirm, we will be holograms, so we won't be there.
No, no, no. We won't be there.
So we'll be unplugged, but what you watch will very much be plugged in because it will
be holograms.
And I think, is it fair to say that our aspiration is to do some maybe bigger dates or bigger
tour at some point?
Yeah, we want to get it about. We're just sort of dipping our toes. It's just what we're
able to do at the moment. We're quite excited to see if people are up for coming down, coming
on down in a couple of cities.
Testing the waters.
We'd like to get all over the place.
Derby, Derby, the Highlands, the
Lowlands, Svalbard. Uninhabited Island. What's it called that place? Inaccessible Island.
And of course Bremen. So yes, there'll be links in the show description here for tickets
for that stuff. I've got a plug too please if you don't mind while we're on plugs. Plug
away. So this is for a novel, particularly those who might be interested in a thriller
type novel. This is by J.S. Bruff, spelled B-R-O-U-G-H, which is a local to me, in fact,
this author, debut novel called Finding Nowhere, the Barefoot Chronicles. And I just wanted
to let people know it exists really,
because I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It was excellent.
Surfing-
What's it about?
Surfing thriller type thing.
Thriller basically.
Bunch of surf guys from Cornwall
get into all sorts of scrapes basically.
So there's gangland stuff, there's crime, nasty business.
There's Hebridean action going on.
Sounds excellent.
And yeah yeah action packed
thriller what's it called again it is called finding nowhere the barefoot chronicles by J.S. Brough
okay time to read your emails please
when you send an email
When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me?
Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress.
Like a robot, shooing a horse.
Give me your house.
My beautiful horse!
Thanks to everyone who sent us an email to 3beansal salad pod at gmail.com. We've had some really
good emails this week. We always have good emails, but this week it feels particularly,
the mailbag is particularly bulging this week, I would say.
Okay. Lovely.
And so I'm going to give you a selection of topics and you can choose what topics you want
to hear the emails about. So we can either have carveries, Stonehenge, our kind of burgeoning
Pompidou discount actors agency, or Magistrates.
Oh my, wow.
What a great selection.
Oh, and also, I'm also going to put in Wildcard.
Okay.
Slash Misc.
I think I'd lurch towards Calvary or Misc personally.
Okay. Let's start with Misc then. Just go the way.
This is from Nell. Hello Nell.
Dear beans, while listening to the latest episode of 3 Bean Salad today, I put a drill
through my hand. All the best Nell.
I'm hoping that's just the drill bit and not the whole drill.
Including the cable and plug. And instructions.
I'm sorry, Nell. Oh, Nell. Oh, good grief. Nell doesn't explicitly blame us for this,
but I feel like that's implied, right? I think so. I think, I think, well, yeah, this implied,
isn't it? I think. Luckily, they didn't hear the death now. They're still alive. They survived it.
It's a pun on Nels name.
Wasn't it?
Well done.
No worries.
Absolutely. No worries at all.
So that's some degree of comfort.
Really? Well, really sorry.
No, really sorry.
No.
I mean, I'm hoping it would have gone through the in between the, um,
just the kind of webbed bit.
I have, we would just gone through the webbed bit.
Yeah.
I'm not saying you've got webbed hands now, but I mean, you know,
everyone's got a bit of web of me.
Yeah.
Everyone's got a bit of web.
Um, hopefully this would have gone through some, some finger webbing
or maybe, um, through one of the ornamental bits of the hand.
Well, the display finger
rather than like full stigmata. We don't full stigmata.
Yeah.
If you take away your little finger, it doesn't make any difference.
You don't really need the little finger, I don't think.
You can lose a finger.
If you lose one finger, it's just like a talking point, isn't it?
And in agricultural circles, I mean, it's embarrassing not to have lost a finger, isn't
it?
Full set of 10.
If you're, if you're, if you're what's known as a full 10 in agricultural circles, you
work shy, you work shy.
Our best wishes now hope that is healing up nicely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Best of luck now.
And I hope you did get up to put up that painting or shelf or whatever it was.
Okay.
Henry, would you like Calvary Stonehenge,, Pompidou Discount Actors Agency or Magistrates? Well, I don't just want a cakewalk of people thanking me for my Stonehenge take and giving
me sort of high fives and stuff. So that would be a bit self-indulgent. So instead I think
I'll go for, maybe I'll go for Calvary.
Okay. We've had two emails about the Calvary. Cool. One is from Mike and the subject title is Calvary
Tactics.
Oh God.
I'm writing to you to inform you of a tactic I've heard but am way too cowardly to attempt.
It works on the principle that you get the same amount of meat regardless of if you opt
for one or three.
If this is the Trojan meat, is this going to be the Trojan meat?
I'm not sure what that means. What you go into the calvary
inside a wooden horse.
You go inside into the car inside an actual horse that
stresses a cow. It means you try and go in through the meat
entrance. The trouble is it is an incredibly risky policy to
secrete yourself in as meat and therefore take on the
carby from the inside.
Do you mean in the dead of night you break out of the.
You just gotta hope you're not roasted first.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So he says it works on the principle that you get the same amount of meat regardless
of if you opt for one or three, EG you you either get 300 grams of chicken or you get 100 grams
each of chicken, pork and beef.
No, I don't know what you're talking about. Can't follow it. So yeah, I'm completely with
you. Thanks, Ben. Yeah. Yeah. 300 grams. Did you say grams? Yeah. Which is a measurement
of weight or mass. It's not all about street drugs. And the problem is we use grams to
measure meat. So, so is that how it works in a carvery?
Is it by weight?
Do you order 300 grams?
That's what he's saying.
He's giving us just a random example.
He's clarifying his point.
Okay, so Ben, because Ben is a carvery expert here, is it the case in a carvery that you
go in and they weigh the meat like a pick and mix?
Like a disgusting, helllla pick and mix.
No the meat master has discretion.
He'll eyeball it, is what they're saying, that he'll have a good sense of the weight.
If you spent your entire life chopping bits of meat up, you do tend to get a good sense.
He'll look at what you've chosen and decide how much it weighs and charge you accordingly.
His thick butcher's hands are like the very scales of justice.
Exactly.
His thick butcher's hands are like the very scales of justice. Exactly.
Okay.
In terms of, that's a lovely metaphor, but in terms of cold hard pricing, how does it
actually work?
You pay your money and then you're getting a certain amount of meat.
Oh, I see.
And are there different amounts of money for different amounts of meat you can pay different
tiers?
No.
Well, I know that we're sort of actually, because sometimes you can get different sized plates. You can go for the big oval plate.
Maybe they check a bit more meat on, I'm not sure. Anyway, so this tactic that Michael sent in is
based on the principle that you get the same grammage of meat no matter how many different
kinds of meat you go for. Oh, I see. Okay. Interesting. So he says, when the meat master asks you what you want, you reply,
just chicken please. As they have carved your 200th gram of chicken, so that's two thirds
of your overall, you say, oh actually, go on then, I'll have all three. The meat master
then has a decision to make, and assuming they do not give two shits about their job,
you then get 100 grams each of the other two meats.
Voila, you now have 400 grams of low to medium standard meat.
The idea that the meat master has no passion for their job.
Is he suggesting that the meat master has such thick hands that he can't operate in
50 gram units?
Is 100 gram the smallest unit he can cut. Maybe that, maybe that he abhors
the 50 gram cut. Yeah. And won't do it. It's an interesting idea. I suspect it's one of
those things where the house always wins. It's a bit, it's like a casino, isn't it?
In terms of, you know, you can, you can go, people go into casinos and they've always,
there's always somebody who's got a theory, which is no, no, no. If you put everything
on black, then double your steak the next time and put everything on red. Then even if you lose, you double your
steak again and put everything on brat. You know, like there's like logical.
Yeah. They sort of have a system. I think they've, they've gamed it. Yeah. Yeah. And
that's essentially what's going on here. You think they're going to claw this back somehow?
Maybe when, maybe then when you're like getting the gravy, you know, like they'll, they'll
call it back elsewhere. Yeah. Also there'll be cam, you might find yourself whisked out cause like a casino,
there'll be cameras training on every, every corner looking for, looking for, for meat
scammers.
Yeah.
A hundred grams either way is not going to make any difference when it's, it's basically
just some sort of wet matter really rather than, you know,
Exactly. See what I might, I might try and do is mess with the guy. I go and go, I've
got 300 grams to play with, have I said?
Okay, thank you.
I'll have, I'll start with one gram of lamb.
And I'll have another gram of chicken.
Then another gram of beef.
And just see how far I can push it like that, doing one gram of each.
But I think I think what you're forgetting there is, is you've got a growing queue of
very hungry British people
behind you wanting to get there.
That's true.
And quite a lot of sharp knives around as well.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hot projectiles.
Never slight a man with a meat cleaver.
Mike says no idea if this works and I will not be trying it for fear of being
called out and also my absolute inability to think on my feet.
Have a lovely day, Mike.
Okay. Thank you, Mike. Interesting. So he's okay. It's all games and theory with Mike.
Would you try that then?
I think I will try next time. Yeah. Try and, try and game it a bit.
Now we've had another email on the topic of carveries and this is from someone called
Mike.
Is that another Mike?
Yeah.
Okay. Mike's love carveries. That's true. Now this Mike is
in Whitley Bay. He says, Hi Beans, I'd like to add my own recent carvery experience.
Once we were at the table, I took my son up to the meat master so he'd get a good experience of his
old man unsuccessfully bartering for extra meat. It's so medieval. The meat master.
There's so much lore around it.
When we got back to our seats and started tucking in, he started complaining that the
gravy tasted sweet. Of course, I assured him that he was wrong and he should just eat up
his food, but when I tasted my own gravy, there was indeed something amiss. The next
table and then the next table could be heard discussing the gravy, until a groundswell
of British moaning gave way to somebody actually mentioning it to a member of staff.
The affected plates were taken away and the hungry customers were encouraged to go up
to the meat master's station for a second time.
When I got there, I could see that he was processing something that he could barely
believe.
Was he making sausages on the side?
With a shake of his head, I overheard him saying to a passing waiter,
He put the fucking toffee sauce in the fucking gravy!
I tried to leverage this into a shared moment of resigned bafflement and good humour to
secure some more beef, but to no avail. I just can't get a read on those guys. Keep up the good work, yours Mike in Whitley Bay.
Do you think he'd recently discovered salted caramel and was going for a kind of sweet and
savoury thing? I think he was trying to has some blue mentale. Yeah, he was trying to blue
mentale. Getting above his station. Yeah. Mike, back to you. Would you like a letter about Stone
Henge, the Pompidou Discount Acting Agency or magistrates. I'll have your friend of mine Stonehenge please. I'll be seeing Stonehenge later on.
Ah, this is Tina from Bremen.
Thank you Tina. Hi Tina.
Many years ago as an archaeology undergrad I went on a field trip to the Stones with my peers,
under the supervision of a one lecturer. We boarded our hired coach from London early
in the morning for the long drive to Wiltshire, accompanied by a breakfast consisting of a bottle of rosé and some cans of cider.
Nice. Typical archaeologists aren't they? Absolutely rank rascals.
Yeah. You should have seen when they turned the cameras off when they were making Time Team.
Bloody hell. You don't need to dig to see the last days of Rome when the time to go around.
And what they'll do to a harvester, it will actually, you know, you'll need a trowel to
actually recuperate any evidence of that harvester even existing the next day.
As we were walking around the site, my friend S kept saying that he really wanted to run
up and touch the stones. Our lecturer told him that he could, but to wait until we'd finished our visit, since his actions
would result in us being thrown out.
She gave the signal to S when we were done with our trip, and quick as a flash, my stocky
Welsh friend jumped the ropes and ran towards the stones, sometimes disappearing into the
ditches that surround them. The English heritage wardens gave chase, and when he finally touched
the stones, he walked back with his arms in the air in an act of surrender. He was taken
to the site manager who gave him a telling off. While all the staff were engaged in the
kerfuffle of S touching the stones, two of our other friends were robbing the gift shop Of English heritage chocolate bars and a cookbook about prehistoric food.
It's absolutely outrageous.
What a chaotic trip. I wouldn't recommend anyone try to repeat this now.
This was nearly 20 years ago and the security of the stones and the shop have
been convinced to be ramped up since. Oh, that's really tickled me.
That's amazing. Oh, good Lord. That's very good.
Halcyon days, eh? Why else? Just people spot spotting opportunity and going for it. It's a
marauding pack. Also a timely reminder of the effectiveness of decoys in general
isn't it? If you've got a problem in your life just think about the decoy option.
Send the Welshman running across a field. Send a stocky Welsh friend running across
a field. And the cookbook will be yours. And the cookbook will be yours. It's a classic in the confusion situation, isn't it? Yeah. And in the confusion. S. Probably
Stefan. Swiped a prehistoric cookbook. So if anyone knows any archaeologists called Stefan,
maybe you have a quiet word. All right, Henry, last email. You get to choose between the
Pompidou Discount Acting Agency or magistrates.
I'm going to go for magistrates please.
Okay. Dearest beans, I'm a barrister in Yorkshire and was fascinated to hear that one of your
listeners has become a magistrate. I started my career prosecuting in magistrates court
and can confirm that magistrates absolutely have the power to send particularly naughty
crims to prison.
Oh wow.
So I think we claimed last time that it was non-prison crime. to send particularly naughty crims to prison. In fact, one of my first cases, the chap I
was prosecuting got sent down for a few months for going bonkers and assaulting a lot of
police officers. He was, quote, tasered to fuck.
And he was had shouting at officers, I'm on my way to an archaeology meeting.
Needless to say, his refusal to undertake any unpaid work, quote, because he likes to
chill out at the weekends, led to the jangle of keys and him being led out of court via
the naughty door. So they can lock you up. They don't use gavels, and in fact gavels disappointingly
play no part in the legal system at all, which is frankly a disgrace. I do wonder if I can
deploy a cheeky pompadou next time I'm in front of the Yorkshire magistrate, just to
see if I get a little glim of recognition. It may be difficult to organically build it
into my submissions, so any suggestions would be welcome.
Your story is as transparent as the tubes on the Pompidou Centre.
There we go.
Sustained.
I object, just as the people of Paris objected when Dr Pompidou attempted to build a building
with the pipes on the outside.
Overall, by the same token in the way that the French people have eventually grown to
love that particular building. Very good.
Yeah, very doable. Thank you.
It's quite terrifying, the power of magistrate, isn't it? They can put you in prison without
a jury. Yeah.
Hmm. Pretty, pretty frightening.
It's great. We've got one in our pocket though. So that's true. We can now jail anyone
we want basically. Yeah. I think that's how it works. I think that's what he's saying.
Yeah. I think our previous email at Tina might have to be worried. You know, she's confessed
to the crime of stealing a book about prehistoric cooking. We've got Tina over a barrel. We've
got the keys to the archeology kingdom. So we can put anyone we like in prison as long as they commit an offense, which
ends up putting them in a magistrate's court in front of that specific magistrate.
It's that simple.
And also the presumably various checks and balances, which mean that you're
only going to put them in prison if they have really are guilty of it.
Obviously she's confessed to stealing a prehistoric cooking book.
I wonder what kind of recipes you get in a prehistoric cooking book. Maybe she can tell us.
Because I'm kind of early lasagna.
It'd be raw though, wouldn't it? Raw lasagna. Just killed and skinned and that's it.
And the person who sent us that email wants to remain anonymous.
Fair play.
Fair enough, yeah.
Brilliant.
Thanks very much. Fair enough. Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks very much. Great new meals.
It's time
to pay the ferryman.
Patreon, Patreon.
Patreon.com.
4 slash 3peat salad.
Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.
Thank you. If you sign up on Patreon, you can get ad free episodes, you can get our
bonus episodes. Also, just because a few people were confused about this and sent me an email,
if you do sign up to Patreon, you can listen to the Patreon episodes on any podcast catcher
of your choosing, including Spotify. You don't have to use the Patreon app. That's a quite
boring bit of admin there, but some people were getting confused. So there are various
tiers you can sign up to. If you sign up to the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from
Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where you were last night, Mike.
Yeah, of course it was, yeah. Because it was the...
Well, it was Tweed Wars.
It was Tweed Wars.
And here's my report. pugnacious Q formed. At the front was Anousia, who was quickly dispatched despite using hand-to-hand
Donegal, followed swiftly by Lydia Smith with a vicious basket weave. Scary Troutman was
next up with a classic window pane below the belt, and then it was Biblio Boy's bird's
eye elbow butt. Sophie Russell, her blood up, de-twizzled Hodder, allowing Tim C to
unroll him from the neck down, and Will Peckham-Walker to feed him back into the carding machine
operated by Tom S, with freshly spiked rollers donated by Simon and Pamela.
Jess Cowley fed the now half-turned Hodder onto a brawler's bobbin where he was knuckle
softened by Tom McClarty, deloused by Jake Sarm, wefted silly by Kaylee Evans, warped
by John Edwards until Dan Shed had tears in his eyes and kidney loomed by Shira Adriance.
Katie Cook in a barley-corn war helmet then blew the woollen battle bugle and the scene
descended into a much-desired free-for-all tweed melee.
Erin Considine overchecked Suzo Tool while Tim Bobbs found himself tartan'd to A Month
of Sundays by Laura Bunny.
Matt was platted to a heap by Lee Sarah Hendricks and Andrew Jordan who in turn were folded
into a Bale of Sorrow by Thomas Robinson and Luke McBrattney.
Stu Cullum died Jesse Hain lime green,
Krutika, Bastards Mustard, Marie Sandland country crotal and Max Fintoff 1% pink. Elsewhere Tommy
Boy Neil and Daniel Gibbons attacked Max Price and Ben Melrose with a plain twill, but hadn't
counted on being pincered by Maggie Parvow riding a striped Harris. Louis Smith, Rory Patterson,
Wang Morang and Samantha Blatchford made the unprecedented choice en masse to weigh in with Fusion Fabrics, Twilvett, Twilk,
Twylon and Twallyester respectively. They were all made short work of by Harry Harvey,
Amy Lay and Cathy, who bundled them into the back of a decoy wardrobe and sold them cut
price at a high-end charity shop in London's fashionable Chelsea. All that remained was
to find a winner. By this time few were left standing other than Tom Hammid in a Shetland and Sam Calderbank in
a Thornproof, who were on the cusp of declaring a truce and therefore a draw, when Liana from
Wisconsin swept in from behind a pile of Yorkshire soft and thrashed them into the ground, Gamekeeper
style. Congratulations to Liana and to the Badger State, and thanks all.
Okay, that's the end of the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in
by a listener. This one's from Chris.
Hello Chris, thank you.
They write, Hello Beans, I feel what the theme tune really needs was to reflect the 1950s
panache that your podcast exudes.
Well spotted.
So I've put together the attached Holiday for String Beans in the style of the David Rose Orchestra.
Enjoy!
Lovely.
Doesn't mean much to me, but let's see what that is. Bye!
Thank you everybody, bye! Thanks for watching!