Three Bean Salad - Tough Guys
Episode Date: March 20, 2024This weeks topic is tough guys and that’s thanks to Joe from Bremen in the Cotswolds who clearly understands what this podcast is actually about. Naturally the beans thrive in this chatosphere. Afte...r all, one of them has at least seven extremely small scars, one of them has driven a convertible with the top down in Wales and one of them is a card carrying beefcake.With thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladMerch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Henry. Yes. Hi. You look a bit sort of tanned. Hmm. You're gonna spray tan.
You've been weak ending in Monte Carlo.
You know what? I've realized that it's because I did a, basically spring is in the air.
Yes.
Certainly in London.
Yeah.
That's not just a London thing.
No, you always say that, don't you?
We do get that at the same or similar time in the provinces.
It's not the usual sort of 10-year lag, unless is and it's we're getting the spring from 10 years ago.
Yeah, I think it's at least a 10 year lag actually.
You're getting spring 2012 at the moment.
Our spring is wearing cargo shorts.
Yeah, exactly.
Your spring is still quite excited about the Olympics.
Yeah, our local daffodils definitely seem quite pre-Brexit.
Yes, exactly.
They will be.
And it's quite sad and touching.
They know which side their bread is butters.
Yeah.
I mean, it's nostalgia in a way, isn't it?
That's partly why Londoners do like leaving London occasionally to go to places like
Cornwall or East Cornwall, South Cornwall.
Because they own it.
Because they own it.
No, but it's because you get the nostalgia of the old seasons.
I see, yeah.
And of course the further west you go, the further the older the seasons are.
So on Lizard's Point, it's...
It's 1944 isn't it?
1944 on Lizard's Point.
It's quite foreboding.
There's that feeling of like, maybe the war will soon end.
It could turn around finally.
Yeah, exactly.
Maybe Algernon will actually come home. Yeah,
exactly. He said he'll bring me a Jerry's helmet. So why do you have a tan? Oh, so yeah,
because spring is in the air. Certainly in London. Yeah, we've been through this, haven't
we? Should we do that again? I enjoyed that. Yes, spring is in the air. The rhubarb is high. Essentially there's rhubarb forestation which sprouts intensely this time of year.
So there's rhubarb, you know, there'll be paving stones that have just been wrenched
asunder by huge massive pink strands of rhubarb clawing its way towards the sky.
Lots of big musical numbers as well, aren't they?
Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
I think so.
I think so. I think so. I think so. just been wrenched asunder by huge massive pink strands of rhubarb
clawing its way towards the sky.
Lots of big musical numbers as well.
Aren't they?
That's right.
When the, the Springs or starts to warm up the parks and paving slabs.
Big, big, hot, hot, hot, hot foot, hot foot, hot foot tap dancing.
Pull me up the rhubarb.
Yeah.
The rhubarb's a coming. The rhubarb's a coming. Is that a rhubarb in your pocket?
Yes.
And I've also got a bone one.
Classic, classic wartime songs.
I actually, this morning I actually saw a rat impaled on a rhubarb, which is something
that...
Which is one of the key omens, isn't it?
It's one of the key omens. Yeah, so the omen of the fifth seal, I can't remember what it is. It's one of the key omens is one of the key omens.
Yeah, so the the omen of the fifth seal is one of the big ones is the rat
impelled on rhubarb. I think it means we're gonna have a good podcast.
So I interpreted it obviously get a give a quick spin three, three counts
clockwise one clockwise. The rat is Yeah, I think now I think I went for a
jumbo walk yesterday.
That must be what it was. Because because of the because of the spring being in the
air.
Did you walk past a nuclear reactor?
I walked to Sellafield and back. The twin curse of the bald man. And it doesn't matter.
It turns out doesn't matter how many rats you impale on rhubarbs. It makes no difference.
You're bald, you stay bald. But I know the twin cast of the bald man is very, very pale most of the time. So
for example, I can't pull off wearing anything south of beige
on the color on the color spectrum, anything between beige
and white, I just can't wear because I look so pale. Okay, I
can't wear cream jump. You've ever seen me in a cream jumper?
No, and I'm thinking about I've never seen you in a in a white
tuxedo.
Even when we were in the 80s band together called White Tuxedo, remember? It was only one member of White Tuxedo who never wore a white tuxedo.
We all just thought you were trying to pull focus.
Exactly.
Why you going for burgundy?
And that really sowed the seeds that led to the end of the band.
At the end, before the recording of our first single.
Me and Mike weren't happy.
Cost a lot of those white tuxedos as well.
Set us back a bit, didn't they?
But we still managed to get onto Robert Dymory's list of 1001 albums to listen to
before you die.
We got that at home.
Look up White Tuxedo.
I don't know if Mike knows this.
Henry recommended a podcast to me called 1001 Songs Before You Die.
Yeah.
Something.
No, I don't know this.
And basically it's these American men and they appraise that the, is it 1001?
Yeah, it's, it's, um, there's a book called 1001 albums to listen to before
you die by some music journalists and they're going through them all one by one.
So every episode is a different album.
And, uh, you know, you know me guys, I'm a naysayer. Yeah. It's episode is a different album. Yeah. And you know, you know me guys,
I'm a naysayer. Yeah. It's your default position is nay. Yeah. Yeah. But when they slagged
off, whenever they slag off a British album, I bristle. It really hurts you, doesn't it?
Do you really? What did they go for? Have they gone for the big ones? So they slagged
off and this is not a band I like or even an album I think is good, but as soon as I heard five quite annoying American men slagging off Oasis' first album.
Definitely maybe.
I was like, you're fucking what?
There's five of them as well.
Oh, there seems to be five or seven or nine.
There's so many of them.
And they also have guests.
What is going on there?
Does a naysayer not like it to be naysayed upon?
I think I just became intensely nationalistic for some reason.
Oh, it was jingoism, was it?
Okay, fine.
I think you felt it wasn't theirs to naysay.
Exactly that.
And they just didn't really understand any of the context of why people kind of got into
that at the time.
That annoyed me.
Okay.
They just heard us a very unaccomplished, plodding, lyrically ropey... Pub band.
Yeah.
That did not speak to Birmingham Alavar, particularly specifically.
No, exactly. And while they were right in an objective sense, they sort of... I don't
know.
Well, they were right in every sense, weren't they?
Well, but they didn't understand the mood.
No, that's true.
It's very mood dependent music, isn't it? And for some reason, they hit the mood, weren't they? Well, but they didn't, they didn't understand the mood. No, that's true. It's very mood dependent music, isn't it?
Yeah.
And for some reason they hit the mood, didn't they?
If you're trudging your way to your GCSEs in Leamington Spa, you got it.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then they also slagged off again, another group that I'm not really a
massive fan of, but again, I was like, no, no, no, no, they slagged off the Prodigy.
Okay.
I've not heard that episode, but I know that I've heard that they did.
They really, the other, the other band they've absolutely ransacked.
They hated was the Smiths.
Yes.
What Queen is dead.
They absolutely ransacked.
They hated it.
This didn't get it.
Yeah.
They found, they found Morrissey's voice annoying.
It's not annoying.
It's not annoying.
Obviously he's a, he's a, he's a deeply problematic figure now, but most people
still stand by the album as being quite a good album, don't they?
Yeah, we didn't know that at the time, I think, did we?
Also, I think the thing with Morrissey was he's always been that knob.
I think he's more clearly revealed the knob-esque nature himself over the years.
He was a knob with a cardigan and holding a huge bunch of geraniums on top of the pops.
It was quite unclear what type of knob we were dealing with.
They weren't draniums. We thought it was just possibly some sort of pop knob and we could get on board. A new cool kind of pop knob that we were quite excited about.
That might irritate the parental units across middle England.
Well were they not draniums mate?
Were they gladiolae?
Oh gladiolae, you're right, of course, because of all the simplest stuff.
There was actually a jinguistic thing probably, gladiola, probably like a jinguistic flower
or something.
Probably.
In some way.
I think that it's nice and long, so you can, you know, if you tried to waft around the
geranium it would just...
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, I don't know what the significance is.
There probably is some, isn't there?
That they were born in the hands of King Ultrecht III of Anglia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I went to the garden center and bought some gladiola.
Anyway, that was a bit of a digression, but it's quite a good podcast apart from that.
Do you like it?
I do.
I think it's very good and I don't want to criticize them particularly.
And if our listeners want to listen to it, it's called 1001 album complaints.
But it's one of those ones where I mean, people will be well aware, well aware of
this phenomenon given the scenes of this podcast.
I like, I listened to it quite a lot and I do like it, but I find them all intensely annoying.
Mate, don't, don't pull that for me.
I know. There might be a few kind of, oh yeah, moments going on in amongst listeners as we speak. There's a decent chance that a few of us probably might find you too. It's possible,
isn't it? But it's not. Yeah, you guys could be. Yeah, let's face it. You guys are a bit annoying. Yeah. The thing is, I like the podcast because
I like listening to their American accents. I just like them. I also find it's pathetic.
But I get a sort of thrill just because American people are talking about something British.
Even if they're slugging it off?
Even if they're slugging it off weirdly. It's like they know what you feel like you live in a relevant nation.
Yeah, or something. That's pathetic. But I feel like they know we exist. Oh yeah.
The Americans, after they've recorded this, they probably went to a hamburger restaurant
where the hamburgers were brought to them in their car by a woman on roller skates.
Exactly. brought to them in their car by a woman on roller skates.
Exactly.
America.
America.
America.
America.
America. I'd like two tickets for the Chedanuga Choo-choo.
America!
Get me the D.A.
A slice of old momma's apple pie down the animal.
In New York City.
Oh, just give up now.
You'll never be an actor, mister...
PLEMENS.
Burgers!
And, like, they love the Beatles. Just the fact that they just accept that the
Beatles are the best band ever basically.
I think that's almost more of an American position now than a British one.
Yeah, maybe it is, yeah.
I'm not saying they aren't, I'm just saying that Americans really love the Beatles. Whereas
actually in Britain you've got more people now coming around to the idea that maybe Dua
Lepa.
Is that actually what it's all about?aper is actually what it's all about.
Is that actually what it's all about?
Or Ray.
Oh, there we go.
Someone's got their finger on the pulse, haven't they?
Someone's got access to the BBC news website.
Well done, Ray.
I've never, I've never heard your music, but you won six Brit Awards.
I think Ray was born in Tooting.
It was from listening to the radio the other day.
Oh, did you feel a sort of vicarious bit of pride?
Well, a bit, but also because Tooting is where I sort of, that's the first place I lived with in South West London when I left home.
I think that was around the same time.
So in as little way you, you might be her dad.
Is that what you're saying?
It was more, I was thinking more in the context of thinking what, how I've used my time as
opposed to this, this baby who has achieved sort of extraordinary things.
Are you trying to say you've got a Brit winning R&B album in you?
I'm saying quite the reverse.
I'm saying it's really, it's shone quite a stark light.
Do you ever get that occasionally when if someone is born at the same time as
you or has been born long after you had done something extraordinary, you
didn't ever get that?
Oh yeah.
A sort of comparison of...
Yeah.
It's the age, you do the age kind of, yeah, you go, oh, hang on, so that means...
Oh no.
Oh God.
Oh God.
The clock is ticking.
So Napoleon had already conquered Egypt.
Yeah.
And I still haven't done the grouting in my bath.
I still haven't fully understood what grouting means.
So hang on, Napoleon had already won six Brittle wars.
Despite the fact that his record label hadn't been that supportive.
But then you do that bargaining with-
He had to go to war against pressure to get out with his record contract.
You do that thing, that sort of bargaining thing as well, where you go, yeah, but of
course the fact is that it was a different time then and actually people were generally
expected to invade Egypt a bit earlier than now.
Whereas now, someone like me, I could probably still leave.
So why are you even doing your 50s?
I could probably still leave.
These days...
You could at least try an annex in Malta, couldn't I?
Exactly.
And people do that now.
You know, yesterday I went for a walk, I saw a man in
his 60s wearing a pair of really quite bright, colourful trainers. You know, things are different
now. He might be on his way to a meeting to plan the siege of Malta, you know what I mean?
I sort of dread it now, but when you read it, you know, a bit like when you've applied
for a job. We're going back a bit, I think, in our lives, but when you read it, you know, a bit like when you've applied for a job,
we're going back a bit, I think, in our lives, but I have applied for a few jobs where there was a letter or something involved and they'd get a letter back and there'd been a CV and I'd-
There was advice about what kind of paper you'll print,
your CV should be printed on and that kind of stuff. People had-
All that kind of stuff. I've been through all that. I'd written the interest section.
Trying to get it all into one page was very important.
Your extraordinary range of interests.
Cinema. To an average level. Slightly below average.
Sacking Alexandria.
Taking possession of Persepolis.
To enter the space race.
We're all in the space race, Mike.
You don't get to choose.
We've all entered.
You enter by being born.
It's just how far you take it.
It was by default.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
Can you opt out of the space race?
No, no, no.
Everyone's in the space race.
That starting on goes off.
Yeah.
The moment that you.
You're conceived.
Yeah.
I once, do you ever do this?
Right.
I once went into a job, I think it was for a temping position.
So obviously it was things like I'm proficient in Microsoft
Word one. It was weird the way they knew they were gonna be
more even from the beginning though, didn't they? Anyway,
they're calling it one. But I was I think I think I said
proficient Microsoft Word one, which I wasn't. I'd said that
and I went in once to this temping agency, and they made me
do a test which was
a live Microsoft Word test.
Do you ever have that?
So they sat me at a computer.
No, I did temp.
I was never assessed.
I was assessed.
They sat me at a computer and I had to do things like tabs.
Do you remember tabs?
I had to do that live and the computer was like recording it.
It was absolutely terrifying.
And from then on, the only jobs I got were through the agency involved lifting furniture.
Didn't get any actual IT stuff.
But I'm putting it down again or just lifting?
Get someone else in for that.
I was a lifter.
Because you can break something when you put it down.
They realised quite fast I couldn't be in charge of both.
You couldn't lift them high enough to break them.
Luckily.
I was one of a slider.
You know that sound that happens in Indiana Jones songs?
When they open Tombs. We've talked about it on the podcast before. That was me with a
chest of drawers in 1995.
That's where they got it for the audio library, was it?
I've reached a point in life now where it's like I didn't think I ever will master the
tab but I'm fine with it. Have you mastered the tab?
Do you just mean when it sort of bounces along a bit like an inch or something?
I love that Mike is still burning the flame for being the person who's less tech savvy
than me. I love knowing that sometimes I have to throw out a little tester like that. Because I often think I'm bottom of the
tech tree, but Mike is actually still is still a bit lower. He's
dug a little hole around the other side of the tree. He's in
there upside down. He's wearing a little skirt. So I'll have a
peek down there every now and then it just makes me feel like
feels feel better.
You're saying about how applying for a job.
No, no, but I want to talk about tabs more with Mike now.
Okay, I'll recuse myself.
Can't talk me through it jargon free, please.
Objection of rule then.
Um, it's, um, well, a tab is where the cursor, it establishes where the
left-hand flushing of the text block.
The level the depth of penetration into the page body.
Yeah, but the left hand.
That's one that makes it sort of grasshopper along, isn't it?
It doesn't bounce unless you've got like a child's version to make it more fun.
Where the cursor bounces a lot.
Or do you make it bounce with the
mouse just normally goes straight left right. But Ben,
do you remember there used to be these little like the tabs for
some reason I don't have to worry about this anymore. But
there'd be a ruler across the top. And there was little
triangles, and also little oblongs. And if you dragged
them, there'd be like a triangle and an oblong on the left and a triangle
and an oblong on the right.
Yeah, I couldn't touch those because if I touched those I'd ruin it and I wouldn't be
able to use word again and I'd have to throw the computer away and buy a new one.
And move town.
Yeah.
Ben, did you master those?
No, you don't touch those.
The little triangles, because you'd pull them and all kinds of crazy stuff would happen
with you.
You'd end up with paragraph formations which no one, unless they were advanced, no, no, like highly, highly mad, would ever want,
you know, like completely bizarre, like sometimes it would, it could slim down an entire CV
to one letter, one letter wide lines. You'd end up with a kind of, just a sort of tiny
strip of letters going straight down the page.
Yeah. It suddenly looks like it's a sort of 1915 code.
Exactly, yeah.
Yeah, like something that might come down the screen at the beginning of The Matrix
in green.
Yeah.
With like a sort of like textual Brazilian.
Sorry.
What?
No, thank you.
What, you mean the practice of shaving all your pubes off?
Why are you bringing pubes into it?
Sorry.
Okay, that's getting cut.
I don't think so.
Oh, so it's not Brazilian, it's the right, I've got the wrong one there.
Anyway, I'm not a pub person.
What do you mean by that?
Nothing. So anyway. Are you mean by that?
Nothing.
So anyway.
Are you hairless?
You're naturally hairless.
In the days where I used to write CVs, do you remember some classic CVs?
Do you ever come across your own CVs like in a dusty old drawer?
Did you guys do CVs?
Yeah, I had to do CVs.
Yeah, of course I did CVs.
Would you write curriculum V-time the top or your name big?
I think curriculum vitae.
Good question.
I think my name big, but I did write underneath curriculum vitae.
I thought, you know, let's make the Latin sing.
And did you have a little Latin epithet for yourself?
Ipso victorius, ipso dimdorius.
Ipso facto dimsum.
Bonjo bonjo.
Bonjo bonjo.
A little coat of arms.
That's what I did.
Heraldry is very important.
A little heraldry, a little mission statement.
Pop-up section.
A little tip for any kind of 14-year-olds listening writing their first CV, don't put
Dim Dorious on it.
No.
But Scratch and Sniff is still okay.
Scratch and Sniff is still okay.
Or Advent System, where you open up
that off. If you're if you're applying for Santa for a job as
a Santa impersonator, for example, Advent, Advent kind of
systems, good doors, you can open the truck if you can afford
to get chocolate by one of them. That could help swings swing a
swing a job. Yeah, because there was always a kind of thing where
if you weirdly you might say that you're proficient with
Microsoft Word, but the CV itself was also telling the reader whether or not you were proficient with Microsoft
word. And cause of your tap, cause your tab skills were there for all to see. Do you mean?
Okay. So if your CV was, for example, 57 pages of one, if anyone actually could go as far
as reading to the bottom where it says prof with Microsoft one, they probably would have had a runny laugh to themselves.
By the time they've got their eye in and managed to read it.
Yes, or you've just printed out some sort of template perhaps.
Yeah.
That's it.
Oh yeah, of course, the templates.
Name here.
And there was even things like writing letters and stuff with the address.
I don't know, we've just got to go on a sort of text nostalgia little side track here, but date on the left, season on the
right. Remember there was always, there was a set way of doing it.
Mother's maid name buried within the text.
Buried within the text.
And at the bottom, a little update as to how the campaign in Egypt is going. So, yeah,
it'd say, you know, we set sail from Cyprus tomorrow.
Supply lines are already stretched. Morale is low.
Mainly because I'm going to an admin area because I'm not that good at Microsoft Word.
We've only got one helmet.
Right. Let's turn on the beam machine.
Yes, please. This week's topic, as sent in by Joe from Bremen in the Cotswolds...
Thanks Joe.
Is tough guys.
Finally a topic that we can talk from the heart about.
How many Z's on that?
Classic tough guy question.
Or Z's to American listeners? Guys, are we tough guys?
Well, you're the beefcake of the crew, aren't you?
I'm the beefcake. Yeah, I've completed my beefcake journey, so I am a beefcake.
Is that what tough is? Is it the as beef or is it is it is it a is
it a mindset what is beef a mindset what toughness toughness ideally you're tough so you don't
have to be tough but you can be toughness is about not having to be tough because you
because you are tough why do you mean as in sort of repellent as a sort of deterrent
rather? I don't like to use the word repellent about my body shape, no. Tough guys. I don't
think any of us is a tough guy. No, I think it'd be hard. Yeah, it'd be hard to argue
that wouldn't it? I think. Well, what is a tough guy then?
Vin Diesel.
Oh, I see, yeah.
The Rock.
Patango and Cash.
Keeping those references right up to...
Errol Flynn.
Errol Flynn.
Great shout.
There we go.
The original Vin Diesel.
If you compare Errol Flynn to a modern leading man.
The expectations of the modern action hero. Yeah. They are completely different characters.
Well, in terms of like a physique, do you mean?
Yeah. Errol Flynn just looks like a bloke. If anything, Errol Flynn looks like he could
do a bit of feeding up, doesn't he? Really? Yeah.
Errol Flynn? Yeah, looks like he could do a bit more
protein in his diet. Maybe get some fresh air out again.
I've just found a photo of Errol Flynn where he looks exactly like Keir Starmer.
Really?
Oh god, yeah I think I'm looking at the same one.
Is he wearing a suit?
Yes.
Yes.
It's in full colour?
Yeah.
God, he does look like Keir Starmer.
Oh good heavens. Yeah, yeah. I mean that is bang on isn't it?
That's what Keir's gunning for.
He's a beaut isn't he? No mistake. He was an absolute rotter there wasn't he? That's what Keir's gunning for. He's a beaut, isn't he?
No mistake.
He was an absolute rotter there, wasn't he?
Was he really?
Was he?
He's got famously, his memoirs are famously sort of scandalous.
I don't know, I don't know the details, but he was like a real sort of scandalous cad.
But it was mainly, it wasn't so much about how muscly you were, it was how thin your
pencil mustache was.
Okay, well that dictated toughness. That dictated toughness. And his pencil mustache was how thin your pencil mustache was. Okay. Well that, that dictated toughness,
that is a toughness and his, his pencil mustache was so thin and pencil-y obviously he was, he was
Robin Hood, wasn't he? So presumably he must've had some quite tough, tough calf muscles. I'm
thinking today he was a go-to action guy. Certainly. He just got really normal thighs. They're the kind
of thighs that you'd see at a barbecue and you'd be like, well, chicken foes.
They're the kind of thighs that you'd see at a barbecue and you'd be like, What? Chicken foes?
And you'd be like, Oh, have those been, did you marinate those yourself or was that like
from the packet marinate? And the host would be like, that's quite a rude question to ask.
But actually, no, we marinated those for, you're supposed to do it overnight,
but we just chucked them in the fridge for two hours under some cling film.
And they've crisped up quite nicely.
I just want to say for listeners, don't marinate chicken overnight. It doesn't stand up
to it in the same way that the meats can. Oh, is that right? Yeah. It'll start kind of almost
cooking in the, in the acids of the marinade and create a kind of rubbery texture overnight. Just
about might be okay, but certainly not for like 24 hours. And like, yeah, two to four hours is bang on.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
See, this is what real tough guys talk about.
Yeah, exactly.
Nothing to prove.
The film trope that I don't think you get anymore, but was big, certainly
eighties and nineties, was henchmen
characters, sort of local toughs. Like the main character would get in a fight with in
like a dark alley and they'd be kind of wearing denim and leather jackets and that kind of
thing. You don't get that anymore.
Just sort of miscellaneous tough.
Miscellaneous tough bloke. Yeah.
Hey, dickwad!
Hey, you!
You! Yeah, but you know, that's probably, maybe
that's partly because everyone is now a tough guy in terms of physique. The average physique.
Certainly. Well, that's it. If you're casting the rock in your action movie, how do you,
how do you get from casting central, how do you get the guy who's three foot taller than the rock
and Lanton George and more muscular? Can't be done. It can't be done. It can't be done.
More steroids.
They've got the main gig.
Steroids and AI managed pseudo human meat plants.
And we're happy to take that to court, by the way.
Now look, people talk about, I'm not interested in conspiracies.
People say this is conspiracy.
It's not a conspiracy.
The rock was grown in a lab.
Which is why he doesn't have a proper name.
He's called the rock.
The only reason it happened so late is because it took them this long to build that big enough
Petri dish to begin the process.
Exactly. Yeah, they had to build a Petri pool effectively, didn't they? An Olympic-sized Petri
pool to generate the human protein fibres and flesh molecules.
And that's why he doesn't have genitals or an anus.
That's right.
Which aids him in his impenetrable focus, and that's why he's so diligent.
He has a small green balloon which has a nozzle which attaches to his left ankle, Which aids him in his impenetrable focus and is why he's so diligent.
He has a small green balloon which has a nozzle which attaches to his left ankle, which at
the end of every day's filming is filled up with just a sort of nutrient jelly.
It's a nutrient jelly and some chemical bicarbonates.
And those are taken away by a scientist every night and they are taken to a facility deep,
deep under the Hollywood Hills.
Just to pep them up?
And actually ground level because it's deep, deep under the top of the hills.
That was a clerical error at the beginning of the process that they realised at the hindsight
they could have saved quite a lot of money for just using that free bungalow that was
going for sale quite cheaply in front of the hills.
And there was no need to build the huge mega lift that goes through down from behind the
H on Hollywood's line down the bottom of the hill because actually it's access from a car
park on ground level.
But anyway, the chemicals are taken there, aren't they?
And there they're put into pools where the rocks, great grandchildren, great grandchildren
are being grown.
Literally budding actors.
They're literally budding.
Literally budding actors. They're literally literally budding actors. Yeah, and there's an entire forest of them now and
It's his awful. This is why sag the screen actors guild. I'm not happy about this at all
That's where they were on strike, isn't it? That's where they went on strike
because
the future budding actors are gonna be literal buds taken from
grotesque human actor
trees or which have exactly the same genetic information as the rock.
Which is a mixture of dolphin DNA and Brussels pate.
Brussels pate.
A little souce some extraterrestrial debris that was found floating in orbit.
And also one of those little sherbet spaceships.
Yeah, but again, that was an error.
That was a mistake.
That was an error.
That got dropped in by the nephew of one of the scientists.
Also, that's why he doesn't have a human name.
He's called the Rock.
That's because it was decided by three of the scientists who did a rock, paper, scissors,
didn't they, to decide who would name him. It was one by the rock. Well, the other, the other
scientists went scissors. Um, and the guy who chose rock misunderstood the rules. Therefore
I had to name it rock as well. Yeah. Yeah. Similar thing happened with rock Hudson. Yeah.
Very, very similar. And this is a Sisters, of course. That's right.
And of course the film Rocky, which was entirely created in that very bungalow, wasn't it?
And Paper O'Malley.
Who are you going to hear of very soon?
Oh, you're going to hear about it.
Yeah.
But none of those scientists fully understood Rock, Paper, Scissors because they were all
AI generated scientists.
That's the other end to the story, which makes it even more sinister. So the
subterranean, turns out it's ground level, human actor meat farm is run by three AI generated
deep fake scientists who aren't actually even real. So that's also one of the reasons that
the rock paper scissors game took so long to do was because none of them had the right
amount of fingers, which made it a lot harder to work out what is a rock if you've got three fingers
What's wrong? You got paper? You've got seven fingers if you've got a suction cup for a left hand and it's not
Rock paper scissors is not yeah, it was designed on the human template of a hand
Yeah, the AI don't get a hand a set series of pipettes sprouting out of her wrist
Yeah, or a flashy colored sign of Yeah. A series of pipettes sprouting out of her wrist. Yeah.
Or a sort of fleshy coloured xylophone.
The rock is extraordinary when you see him next to, like when he's on the sofa on like
Graham Norton, whatever, and he's next to someone who's a normal size.
Yeah.
Rob Beckett or Helen Mirren.
Yeah. It's extraordinary. He'sett or Helen Mirren. Yeah.
It's extraordinary.
It's not like a real man.
Yeah.
He's also extraordinarily talented.
I think he's, you know, he's in Moana.
He sings.
You can do it.
He's a businessman.
He's an all round entertainer.
But that's being a real tough guy for me.
Anyway, I don't know what you guys think, but for me, you know, for you probably Mike, it's a man that can like heft 3000 bags of
charcoal out of a service station. How many crossbows can you carry? Yeah. Yeah.
For you, Ben, a tough guy is probably like a man who can like headbutt his way through another man
headbutt his way through another man, come out the other side. Into a cockfighting ring.
Into a cockfighting ring, where he can literally beat the other cocks at their own game. Well
actually that's quite easy for a human probably. But you've still got to have the way out,
you still have man versus rooster.
Henry, I think you underestimate how easy or hard it would be to take on a well-trained fighting
cock.
I've got the smell of a Patreon feature coming up.
The first proper video feature.
Didn't they have razor blades sort of tied to their legs?
Wasn't that part of it?
Good Lord.
Really?
The cock rolls?
Yeah.
Bloody hell.
Flame throwing beaks. You know what? I'd be crying foul.
Is that going to, is that going to enamble me with the crowd?
Probably not.
Or doing puns.
Yeah. They're probably like, try more bacon to his willy.
Papa his ass with seed. So are you saying that you don't think I would win in a fight with a cockerel?
I don't think it would be easy.
Who would you bet on?
Let's picture it.
We're in the cockerel pit.
So we're in a deserted warehouse.
There's a baying crowd.
Big handfuls of fibres being thrown around.
Yeah. Lots of tough guys around.
Lots of tough guys.
Probably like a contingent of Chinese businessmen.
There's people from all over the world that have come.
There's Maharajas.
There's billionaires from all over the shop.
There's a guy stroking a tiger.
Those guys from Squid Game.
Those guys wearing the masks.
Oh yeah.
The kind of billionaires.
A couple of anonymous billionaires.
Judy Lynch is there in a cage hanging from the ceiling. No one's sure why yet.
Your old history teacher. Everyone's old history teacher.
Andy Burnham.
And the band T'Pau.
Are T'Pau a band or is it just a...
Was it just a sound?
Well, no. Is it just another name for Carol Decker? That's what I'm not sure of. Are there
other members of Tupow?
Well this is the kind of murmuring conversation that's happening in the warehouse isn't it?
Yeah, they can't tell who is standing next to her. Were they a keyboardist? Or a producer
type or are they just loitering?
So anyway, then the cages come out. First of all, the cockerel. Dr Sanchez. It's Dr
Sanchez himself.
In the blue corner! Dr Sanchez!
This guy, I've seen this guy peck things to death.
That's his job.
That's his job. That's his job.
His wings covered in glue and bits of broken glass.
To make him even more terrifying.
He's got go faster stripes going up his talons.
Doesn't need those anyway because he's incredibly fast.
He lays grenades instead of eggs.
They say he lays grenades! The crowd loved that.
Doctor Sanchez!
Doctor Sanchez!
And he's wearing a miniature, but incredibly detailed, beautifully done replica of the
helmets that were used by the Norman army during the conquest of Britain.
Because his doctorate's actually in ancient history, so he knows all about it.
That's right, he really knows his stuff.
And from then on, a traditional Swiss milkmaids outfit.
Who me? Is that me?
This is still the rooster, this is still the contrast that's so jarring and confusing.
The contrast that's so jarring with Dr Sanchez. Again, it's a miniature replica,
a one to, well, three to one, but it's a miniature to scale, but it's a miniature, isn't it?
It's a miniature replica of a human milkmaid's own face.
Well, just to clear up whether he's wearing a chicken's milk. That's right.
It's a human.
But they've had to be some fake rubber boobs.
Stuff some fake rubber boobs in there.
Yeah, it's not a woke scene down at the old cockfighting ring.
People have been trying to improve things, but it really does go over the line at times.
Because at the end of the day, it's a cockfighting game. No matter what you do, you can't get
away from the fact.
Oh no, you see that beady, cold, dead-eyed look in Dr. Sanchez's eyes. That's because
he's a chicken. They've all got that look. That's just because he's a chicken. That doesn't
mean anything.
And all around, I imagine there's hens going crazy.
Oh yeah.
Hens are going absolutely berserk. Because the hens, oh they love them, they're cooing.
If you think you've heard cooing before, you haven't.
You've ever seen a hen throw a bra into a fighting ring?
Yeah.
That's quite a sight.
And again, those aren't actually chicken bras, those are not, it was a mixture actually.
They're supposed to be chicken bras, but there's a mixture of, some of them have got miniature
versions of human bras. There's a not it was a mixer. Supposedly he chicken bra is a mixture of some of them have got miniature versions of human bra. So there's a whole range. Pinging is twanging
of hen underwear isn't there? And plenty of cockerels as well. There's the you know,
he's big, he's big amongst cockerels isn't he?
Oh, yeah, of course. He's got following, he's got an entourage, got the whole thing. Yeah.
Well, actually, one of the great things about Dr. Sanchez is, you know, he actually, he
does break down barriers because he's loved by all communities.
Isn't it?
He's a great figure.
School breakfasts.
That's his big thing, isn't it?
School breakfasts.
He's been huge campaigning for five eggs a day, isn't it?
He wants children to have five eggs a day.
Now, a lot of people think that's because he's got one wing in the chicken industry.
You've gone from Scottish to North England.
It's gone south. It's the classic Henry Jackson migration.
That's his, that's his dream. That's Dr. Sanchez's dream. Isn't it? It's five eggs a day.
That's what he's fighting for.
That's what he's fighting for today. And in the blue red corner is me.
Podcaster and illustrator Henry Packard. What's your walking music?
It's, it's, it's funky Beethoven. A fifth of Beethoven.
Which will be barely audible over the booze.
Please show some respect for, I know none of you actually have heard his podcast, but
show some respect for the man. For God's sake.
Kill him. Kill him. That's not how cockfighting works. I heard his podcast, but show some respect for the man, for God's sake.
Kill him, kill him.
That's not how cockfighting works.
Judi Dench is trying to claw at me through her bars.
Huyk, Judi Dench, up another six feet.
Huyk her up.
Higher.
I'd probably just be wearing my, I'd be wearing three bean salad merch. I think any, any chance
to, any chance to get it. Yeah.
Three bean salad shop.com.
With my dying words. As Dr. Sanchez launches himself down my esophagus.
Yeah. I think Dr. Sanchez is likely to have more, more tenacity in the fight than. Yeah. I think Dr. Sanchez is likely to have more, uh, more tenacity in the fight than.
Yeah.
I mean, also Dr. Sanchez is riled up because he did buy the three bean salad jigsaw and has found it so hard, especially the edges, which are normally
the easy bit in a jigsaw, but for some reason Henry made them impossibly hard.
The edges are the one thing you can hold onto in a jigsaw in the chaos of a jigsaw.
You start, the one thing you've got is the edges. You start with the edges.
Yeah. But not on a three bean salad jigsaw.
Not on a three bean salad jigsaw. Yeah. So he's really screwed with his mindfulness
for the last three or four weeks. So Dr. Sanchez is really, really angry.
Can I just say, when people send us emails or social media posts, which happens quite
a lot, when they've completed the jigsaw. I love getting those emails.
Yeah. So keep them coming.
The feeling of accomplishment is huge.
You getting vicarious pleasure. You're getting, yeah. Okay. It's nice to know that it is possible
after the initial, the initial feedback. Feel free for those to me, the actual creator of
the jigsaw. Thanks. Ben, those emails.
Well you say forward them to you. They're not going to my personally, rather they're
going to the three been sold email, which you have access to.
Yeah.
Okay.
But which I've just revealed, I see you as the administrator of.
Okay, fair enough.
And that's why I've employed Dr. Sanchez for this fight.
And that's why I'm the one being eviscerated by a chicken right now.
And you're the one, you're in the posh seats, aren't you?
You're in the glass, behind the glass, in the kind of executive lounge.
Yeah.
Canapés and Prosecco to wash it all down.
Angela Merkel.
Angela Merkel.
And you're actually watching, you're sort of half watching the bear, aren't you?
On the flat screen in there, and you're half watching the fight.
You mean the drama of the bear rather than a bear that's also in the fight.
It's going to come clean up whatever the chickens left behind.
If I do fight my way through the chicken somehow, there's a bear in the dressing room.
And by the bear, we mean the actor, Jeremy Allen White,
wearing nothing but a pair of dagger covered,
Covington underwear, Covington briefs.
Okay.
If I did have to find a cock crawl, what I think I would do is I'd go straight
for the neck because you've got to try and ring that neck, isn't it?
I mean, that's how you take that on a cock crawl.
You ring its neck.
I didn't get getting near it.
I think it knows that.
I think it's coming at you talons first.
I hate being pecked. And I also't like being clawed up by talons. What about talons with razor blades sellotape them?
Even worse.
I live within probably five miles of an original 1700s cockfighting ring structure.
Really?
Yeah.
That's what first date places used to be.
Have they kept it open as a sort of kind of curio?
It's part of a museum. The Museum of Welsh Life in St. Fagans. Fantastic place.
And it's really good. It's like, it's made of slate, I think. It's got a thatched roof.
Well, this first date is absolutely... Yeah, it's perfect.
And when you go in there, it's like, there's deep cultural memory in there of things.
Can you feel the...
Yeah.
It's in the air, is it? That sense of, yeah.
The slaughter.
The sense of cockroach slaughter.
The broken beaks.
Yeah. Shattered talons.
I think you would win, ultimately, Henry.
Yeah, thanks.
But I think you'd get slashed and then maybe that those slashes would get infected and you would die. Yeah.
Of chicken flu. Yeah. That's how Dr.
Sanchez gets you. He always gets you in the end.
Yes. I think you'd probably wish that there'd just been a clean cut to the neck.
No. Yeah.
Just incomprehensible egg after egg after egg out of my neck. Yeah.
Yeah. After the hole he made in my neck. Also, there's the day when my feet start becoming a bit sharp, my toes start looking
a bit sharper. Yes. And there's a day where you find you're drawn to seed. I'm sucked
drawn to seed, my arms start to sort of fold in, fold in at the sides. People keep on commenting on how I'm clucking my approval at things.
And then the day wakes up where I look in the mirror and I'm basically looking
at the new Dr. Sanchez, the first ever bold rooster.
Oh, I'd hate to see a bold rooster.
Especially if it was a former colleague.
Okay, time to read your emails! Yes please.
When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before.
Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Thanks to the postmasters that came before
Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me?
Just some old shit
When you send an email
This represents progress
Like a robot shoeing a horse
Give me your health Like a robot shooing a horse. Take me a horse. Horse.
Horse.
My beautiful horse!
This is an email from Frank from Bayside, Nova Scotia.
Ooh, nice. Wow.
Bayside was the name, I think, of the town where Say by the Bell was set.
Really?
I think it was Bayside High, but I don't think it gives in Nova Scotia.
Hmm.
Can I say Nova Scotia is one of those places?
I think I might need a mnemonic for certain places.
And Nova Scotia is one of those places where whenever I hear it, I go, I
can't remember, I don't know where that is.
And I sort of maybe Google it and then forget again.
It's in Canada.
Got a bit of Canada.
South easterly chunk.
That's quite forgettable, isn't it?
You know the mnemonic we came up with the other day for my actors?
For Hugh Bonneville.
Gene Hackman.
Who was the third one?
Can we have Branagh?
Oh, Branagh.
Because he was branding.
He was branding.
Gene Hackman's bottom. Gene Hackman's bottom.
Gene Hackman's bottom.
And he's hacking away at the chocolate that Hugh Bonham is nibbling on.
Yeah.
Okay.
But maybe I should picture that happening.
Do you want to incorporate all of the provinces of Canada into this?
You must have heard of Kenneth Branagh's famous Canada back tattoo.
He's called the provinces of Canada tattooed onto his back.
That's why you'll never see him do a topless back seat.
How is that, how is that helping you know what the states are?
Well, I just picturing Nova Scotia bottom right of Canada and it's tattooed onto Kenneth
Brown's back.
So it's probably kind of his lower shoulder
blade Nova Scotia I'd imagine. Well how low down is the tattoo going? Dangerously low let's put it
that way. So it might be a sort of waistline maybe panty line. Panty line yeah okay isn't
is Nova Scotia like a province or is it a little island? Province it's quite a bit short about the
size of Britain I imagine. Okay yeah yeah it's one of them it's one of those um places that is sometimes used to denote somewhere that's
far away like timbuktu which is another one where i don't know where that is yeah because it pokes
out into the like the freezing cold north atlantic choppy unforgiving waters is what i think of with
novscotia crab fishermen another there's another element of toughness right there like the level of toughness
you would need to be a fisher on a trawler out off Nova Scotia right yeah
do you know what I mean your hand you just canvases all over yeah it was like no yeah
was it hard was it was it a tough journey down the garage to get some bags
of chocolate was like Nova Scotia out there that sort of thing yeah yeah
people use it as a phrase? Sure.
Like that?
Yeah.
Ben, you said crab fisherman.
Yeah, crab fisherman.
Is that a phrase?
Well, it is what it is, isn't it?
It's quite weird that it's crab fisherman, whereas a crab isn't a fish.
Oh, they could just be called crabberman.
A crab crabberman.
Hi, crab crabberman. Great to meet you.
But I do think Nova Scotia is a big crab zone, I think. Is it?
I mean, everywhere's a crab zone. That's the thing.
Everywhere's a crab zone.
They're really into the crabs. Okay.
So Frank in Bayside Nova Scotia writes, hello beans.
Hello Frank. Hi.
I was sitting by my brother's pool in Perongo, a suburb of Santa Cruz. So that's not in Canada, I would assume. There's lots of places called
Santa Cruz all over the place, so who knows where that is.
Catching up on the Beans podcast, when I heard something about dictators hanging around the
Iglesia La Macarena. Having just arrived from Canada, I was excited by the coincidence,
so I jumped into an Uber and went straight to the church. So hang on, is this in Bolivia?
What's this? Is this wearing swimwear?
So we talked about Hugo Banza and we did a listener who met Hugo Banza at a church
where he was having communion.
Yeah.
Yep.
So this must be in Bolivia.
Sounds like it, doesn't it?
I guess so.
Anyway.
Bolivia. Sounds like it, doesn't it? I guess so. Anyway, so he sent us five photographs of
this church in Santa Cruz. Okay. He writes, as you can see, the place is completely dictatorless,
unless the kind looking woman who is ironing the garden had some hidden ambitions. Oh, who's ironing in the garden. That's a classic dictatorial state when you have a guy in the garden. You know, you're
in a serious autocracy.
Completely craiceless lawn. Or your head on a stick.
The only remarkable thing about this building is that it is utterly unremarkable. While
I cannot be certain, I'm pretty sure that I'm the first ever tourist to visit it. I
pushed onto the cemetery to make sure that Banza is indeed dead. I've
included a pic of his grave."
Golly. Oh wow.
Addendum, my brother Tim tutored Banza's granddaughter when he first arrived to teach in Bolivia
almost three decades ago. Apparently he paid well.
Nice.
That'd have been a bit nerve wracking, wouldn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tutoring Hugo Banza's granddaughter.
Waiting for those exam results, good god. But of course Banzer would have the whole
musical establishment in his pocket wouldn't he, in terms of... like if I can imagine an
excruciating concert by Hugo Banzer's granddaughter. There's a standing O isn't there?
Yeah, standing O every time. All the great and the good are gathered. Having to sit through
an absolutely excruciating, grateful violin piece.
I don't think he's a music teacher.
Oh, I see.
Well, he could be.
He didn't say what subject.
I thought you said music teacher.
Okay, finally, Minos from Harry.
Hi, Harry.
Hi, Harry.
Dear Beans, your recent circus episode reminds me of a childhood memory of a trip to the
circus I made with my mother that I'd thankfully forgotten about for almost 20 years.
Some context. My mother was born in Senegal in West Africa and came to the UK when she
was 19. Her understanding of Britain was based on old Hollywood movies and general brand
Britain that was portrayed abroad. Fast forward 10 years and she is taking me and my younger
sister to the circus and we are all very excited. As the show goes on, I remember her becoming quite irritated and
muttering under her breath before she finally shouts out at the circus master in a heavy
West African accent brackets. Let's hear Henry do that.
She shouts out, where are all the freaks? Where are the lions and elephants?
We were promised this as part of Bran Britain. The freaks.
The freaks and the elephants.
The bearded children.
Oh wow.
Yes. I don't remember much after that, but feeling a level of embarrassment that could
kill a seven year old boy as people around us turned to look and the host fell silent.
I've never been to a circus since, but looking back now, in her defence, those are the best
parts of a circus.
Yours truly, Harry.
Thanks for having me sign up on our Patreon.
Thank you.
For the second week running, we've got, I think it's second week running, we've got a Patreon
jingle sent in by a listener.
This one is from Oscar.
Thank you Oscar.
He writes, as a long time fan of the podcast, it's always a joy to hear other listeners'
renditions of your many jingles.
But one that seems to have gone without the reverence it deserves is the ominous Patreon
advert.
I've decided to remedy that by interpreting it in a synthwave style, worthy of its foreboding tone.
Lovely. If please. Thank you very much. patreon.com that's our street sound
Patreon
Patreon
Patreon
Patreon Very nice. Really good. Really sinister. That's brilliant. I'm picturing like a hot sort of
like it reminds me of the film Drive a bit. Was that a comfy? Yeah, it's definitely that vibe. Yeah, I'm picturing like LA sort of like highways with palm trees and like a kind of vermilion
dawn sunset in the background and kind of like hot pink clothes.
Hot pink clothes.
Yeah, and hot pink dawn and hot pink blood spattered on the bonnet of my hot pink Chevy,
but a slightly different tone of hot
pink. So you can use it as a bowl. Yeah. So otherwise it wouldn't be visible. So just
like a really hot pink blood on an average hot pink Chevrolet bonnet. Brilliant. Thank
you. Yeah. Brilliant. If you'd like to sign us up on Patreon, patreon.com forward slash
three bean salad. It's the place to get our bonus episodes. But if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout
out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.
Did you do? Yes.
Where Mike spent the whole weekend, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was a big one over the weekend, you see.
It was, wasn't it?
Pretty exhausted, to be honest, but it was worth it. Because of course, over the weekend,
it was worth it because of course over the weekend it was uh...
It was the um it was the I can't believe it Central America festival wasn't it?
It was Ben thank you very much and here's my report.
It was the I can't believe it Central America festival last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.
This year Jade the vet and Finn the dog had the honor of choosing the sub-theme, which was recreating the notorious 1996 Costa Rica-based
Alaband family vacation jamboree, celebrating the golden wedding anniversary of Jacqueline and
Theodore Alaband. Louis Fix, Sean Murray, Robert Harriman and Emma Graveson portrayed the Missouri
wing of the family, who accidentally booked transport to the Costa Rignon Seaside Ofall Resort in Kernville, Oregon and actually had a pretty decent time
eating heap upon heap of deep-fried chitlings. James Oliver and David Gareth Walters portrayed
young Iowan cousins who insisted on driving from Cedar Rapids to Costa Rica in a bootleg
Pontiac Firebird and were never seen again. The remaining bean loungers portrayed family
members who actually made it to Costa Rica,
with Jessica Cowley bravely taking on the role of Uncle Wilbert.
Beautifully performing his now infamous speech in which he explained why he had booked the
holiday at Medio Queso, blindsided and thrilled by the fact that the place name meant half
cheese, he had failed to dig deeper and realised their accommodation was in the middle of a
freshwater marsh and a difficult 100 miles from the nearest beach. Leroy Larson and Tom, beach towels under their
arms, played the Dodge City brothers who'd never seen an ocean before and determined
to march east until they found the beach holiday they were priced and were never seen again.
Philip Lowry and Bekah Matthews depicted a brother and sister from Jefferson City, who
were there to represent a section of the family spawned by an affair Theodore Al Alaband had in the mid-50s during his time in the National Guard. They also set out,
snorkels in hand for a beach holiday but headed west and were never seen again. Brian Crowther
played Jacqueline Alaband's much younger brother who went in search of a grocery store and was
never seen again. Ross Wakefield, Jordan Collins and John Coyne played Alabands who were seized
by a mangrove swallow, a green heron and a yellow-breasted crake respectively, and were never seen again.
Grace and Tig portrayed septuagenarian siblings who tried to find firm enough ground in the
vast wetland to set up a game of swingball, accidentally fell into Nicaragua, and were
never seen again.
Jamie Bridges played Theodore Alabans' nephew who dodged the Vietnam army draft by volunteering
for the Marines.
He thought assimilation was the only way forwards and set forth to learn the ways of the red-eyed
tree frog.
He was only ever seen once again, but that was as a still photo on a Panamanian news
bulletin, which we can all agree doesn't really count.
Ruiya played Tutsi Alaban, a failed dancer who tried to work out how to switch on the
hot water, and was never seen again.
Joe Weston played the only non-family member on the trip, Sydney Horton Jr., Jacqueline's
nurse, amanuensis and General Thactotum, who bent down to do his shoelaces up and was never
seen again.
Jacqueline and Theodore Alaban themselves were portrayed by Megan Rafter and Matt Regalsworth,
who perfectly rendered the golden couple's decision to cut their losses and declare Medio
Queso an independent micronation, and who were last seen taking potshots at the Costa Rican Wetland Rangers, faithfully portrayed by Raiwin and Dan Weston and the Costa Rican
Birthday Battalion, played by Testicles and Brother Bench. Thanks all.
OK, that's the podcast. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by
a listener. This is from Rosie.
Thank you, Rosie.
Thanks, Rosie.
Hi beans, my friend Hannah recently introduced me to the podcast and I've been enjoying working
my way backwards through all the episodes memento style.
Really? That's interesting.
Like many other people, I took up the ukulele during lockdown and haven't played it since.
I thought this would be a good excuse to literally dust it off and do you a theme tune in the
style of the twee backing music to an advert for a bank or something.
Enjoy Rosie!
Thank you Rosie. Perfect. And thank you everyone for listening.
Cheerio. Bye bye!
Thank you, bye! Omnibank. Secure future, safe investment, happy children.
That was great.
Thank you.
It is, I would say, I think that is my least favourite genre of music.
At Omnibank, we're always watching you.
Even if you're not with Omnibank.
But if you join us, we'll watch you a little bit less.
That's right.
Um, yeah, that is my least favourite form of music.
It's my favourite form of music.
Thank you, Rosie.
No, it was from, from the point, Rosie's had a great job of that.
Brilliantly done by Rosie.
But it is an abhorrent genre.
When you hear that music, you know that you're being fleeced by a multinational.
Because it's trying to say the exact opposite.
It's trying to say, I'm just a person.
I might, maybe I make my own cookies and I sell them in a garden centre or something.
But it's not, isn't it? It's trying to say
it's not wearing a chunky knit and some beads. It's wearing a Savile Row suit. It's got a
rapier and it's cane. It owns a lithium mine. And it's hands are just a two, two are just
made of, it's just got swords for hands coming out of the suit. That sounds quite whimsical
in a kind of ukulele way though.
Oh, look at me, I've got swords for hands. Oh, let me chop your quiche for you with my
sword hands. Enjoy the quiche. Have a lovely time. Help yourself to courgettes. Wonky courgettes.
Help yourself to wonky courgettes. I've never got these sword hands, people think it's sinister but it's not.
Oh. Yeah.
Do you want a massage? Probably not, that's a joke. You don't want a massage from me,
I will kill you. Yeah, I can't actually hug people.
But I can slice a quiche.
Can slice a quiche.
Provided some crack surface. Yeah.
And someone else has unwrapped it for me. Or baked it and put it on the chopping board
in the first place. I can't serve it. I can slice it.
I can slice a case. Can't fucking make a case.
You can slice a case as well. Can you?
All right. I'll just go then, shall I? Yeah, yeah.
It's funny because I've always seen the sword hands as a negative thing, but then I started
to see them as a superpower because I can slice cases. You just remind me that fucking
basically anyone can slice cases. So thanks for that.
I'm just going to go off and take a walk and pick my nose and see what happens. Cheers.
You've really burst my bubble, which is actually another thing I can do.