Three Bean Salad - Wine
Episode Date: April 17, 2024The Industrial Revolution, the assassination of Julius Caesar, the debut performance of “Wang Dang Doodle” by Howlin’ Wolf, the wedding of Jérôme d'Ambrosio and Eleonore von Habsburg, The Blac...k Death. What do these things have in common? All of them took place within spitting distance of some quantity of wine probably. No wonder then that Charlie of St. Louis has selected wine as this week’s topic for the beans - served lukewarm.Join our PATREON for ad-free episodes and a monthly bonus episode: www.patreon.com/threebeansaladWith thanks to our editor Laura Grimshaw.Merch now available here: www.threebeansaladshop.comGet in touch: threebeansaladpod@gmail.com @beansaladpod
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I'd like to actually start this episode by making a correction from last week.
Are you preempting a bollock?
Possibly preempting a bollock, but actually almost I'm trying to avert something almost
worse than that, which is genuinely misleading. The bean listening public becoming a node
of disinformation.
The last kind of node I've ever wanted to be. I've always wanted
to be a positive node. It's kind of all I've ever really wanted
in this life. I know that people can come to can compress and you
know, extract different kinds of metaphorical liquid from a
node is isn't it a modern oracle of a node? Yeah, a modern oracle of metaphorical liquid from. That's what a node is, isn't it?
A modern oracle of a node.
Yeah, a modern oracle of a node, yeah.
A truth gland.
A truth gland. A node, of course, is any form of hard geological nipple, isn't it? Is that what a node is?
The more you're talking about it, the less I know what a node is, I think.
So unfortunately, I've probably attracted a node bollocking.
Trying to avert a bollocking on something else.
But that's off the way with these things.
Yeah, and it's basically last week we talked about olives.
That was the topic.
I recommended an olive sort of salad combo.
Right.
Which is a great favourite of mine.
Can you give us a recap?
It was just Greek salad, wasn't it?
Well, didn't you dress it up as something you'd created.
It's a lovely, it's a lovely little thing that I sometimes throw together.
I don't know where these ideas come from.
It was same, same as my idea of, um, of pressing congealed cow fat cubes onto a hard, hot bread
surface.
I don't know why it is.
Toast.
Toast.
Yeah.
Tomato. Right. Oh, you are going to go through it. Okay. I'm going to
go through it. Well, okay. It's tomato, feta cheese, olives, black olives. Trying to explain
how how the flavour of olive works perfectly when triangulated
with these other ingredients. But there's another ingredient which I got wrong, which
is the herb. I, like an absolute idiot, said, Dill, you both had a go at me.
You were taking the task at the time.
Yeah, you both had a go at me. I then did what any, any mammal does. You attacked. Surrounded and bullied. I attacked
and I went, I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't thinking straight. The adrenaline was absolutely surging.
I was in fight mode and you remember I started trying to attack my screen. You'll remember
that. Well, before that you started arching your spine, which was quite horrible to watch.
I arched my spines to make myself bigger.
Spitting venom at us from the insides of the corners of your cheeks.
That's right.
And pheromones started coming out of your temples.
That's right.
I became the worst kind of mammalian sort of panic node.
Yeah.
Poison squitting, sort of squiffing out of my eyes, wasn't it?
I never knew that the central tear
duct in a state of real panic becomes what happens is the your pancreatic acids get funneled
up through the esophagus, down the back of the throat pipes, up through the the head
synapses and glands.
Although there are lots of surprises. I was amazed that your Adam's apple functioned as
a rattle.
I know, a really intimidating rattle. I've had bats following me around all week because
of the sonar. The sonar I was letting off.
Awaiting their command.
It's nice to see that your neck has deflated since last week because I was worried that
that was going to stay there.
Yeah. The neck's come down, luckily. We won't be hearing from Trident for a while. Let's
put it that way.
What, the British nuclear program? Nuclear deterrent?
Yeah, because I've completely they've had to reset their
entire radar system because of all the all the sonar. I was
pumping out.
Yeah. And all the all the blue whales have gone to Detroit,
haven't they?
All the blue was have gone to Detroit. There't they? All the blue was going to Detroit.
There's no there's no work there for them.
It's not it's not going to work well.
Yeah.
So I got angry.
I panicked because you challenged me on I was being challenged on herbs,
which is something I've always felt I have a natural understanding of.
I mean, for example, name name a herb and I can name three foods.
It goes with instantly tarragon
Chicken
Chicken mushrooms, yeah egg
No
Mike fire here, but I'm gone. Pop the chicken. Um, time pork, chicken, egg.
No, no, no.
Cause the herbs do have their little families.
The time is good with chicken.
It's good.
It's good in a bolognese.
It's good in anything rich and meaty, but time can also go nice with a bit of honey.
Tell you what's good with bolognese. The best herb, mixed herbs.
It's fantastic, isn't it?
Mixed herbs is really the best.
Mixed herbs is such a great herb. Sage obviously goes with onion, liver, sort of slightly gross things. It's a tricky herb sage.
It's got...
Sage and bacon is nice. But my little advice with herbs is get them into everything in big
quantities. Don't let them go wet and horrible in your fridge. So just, you know, you only live once,
just put fistfuls of dill or thyme or whatever mint on anything.
or time or whatever mint on anything. Pair this herb.
Chirville.
You fucking...
I knew I shouldn't have taken it on.
It's my one Achilles herb.
Chirville's already high rolling moves in this little game.
I'm not 100% even sure what Chirville is.
I think it's actually what the vanilla of herbs is parsley, which you can just chuck around willy nilly. It kind of makes no real difference
to anything. Your decorative herb. It's a decorative herb, isn't it? It's more of a,
to make it look like you've made an effort, isn't it? Cannabis.
Eh? That goes well with, I think, just about blooming everything. Oh yeah.
I'd pair that with a.
Chuba Pringles and Fight Club on DVD.
That's a great show.
That is the perfect use of that.
So anyway, I suggested, so I suggested for tomatoes,
Feta and olives, I suggested dill, which is not right.
I mean, it's actually not, it actually not disastrous, but it's not right.
It would be disastrous.
It would be ruinous.
There'd be so much cognitive dissonance going on for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It'd be confusing, wouldn't it?
Because herbs are very emotional, aren't they?
They bring back memories, they bring back, they're the emotional heart of food.
You'd be patting yourself and your family down for the missing trout, is what you'd
be doing.
Yeah. You'd be so convinced that there must be a trout around that eventually you would
just elect someone or something to be the trout. And that could get very, very ugly.
Very, very fast. Yeah, it's a fish herb, isn't it, Dil? It's a fish herb. There's no getting
around it. But then Mike came in with Mike trying to save me came in with basil, which
for me, which I agreed with because I was feeling intimidated. I was sweating quite
heavily and I was just in a bad place. But it's not it's not basil. I mean, you can put
that with that but it's because basil is in your mozzarella tomato salad, isn't it? Which
is your Italian. So it's mint. That's the herb to complete
this salad. So it's tomato, feta cheese, black olives and mint. Maybe drizzle with a bit
of olive oil. There you go. And what, a vinaigrette? Is everything okay?
Well, are you okay, Henry?
I think I'm okay.
Does it feel good having said that? You've had a week to store that up.
I've had a week of anxiety about that.
It's been on your shoulders this whole time.
Because I dread to think what people have been trying, but those four ingredients together,
they really, they give you a lovely little salad.
I think I mentioned oregano.
Again, that's wrong.
No, no.
In that salad context, it's wrong.
No?
I mean oregano, that's an Italian, that's a kind of pasta herb, is it?
That could go in a bolognese.
For me, oregano is the taste of a Greek holiday.
Is it really?
Oh, is it?
But have I gone to a very specific place in Greece where somebody bought too much oregano?
I wonder, yeah.
I feel like it's very your pizzas, your pastas.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I think we're trying to push things a little further east. Yeah. Oregano is more your sort of Roman. That's your Roman flavour base.
Marjoram?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Is that one of the most egregious saying a word wrong so it scans?
Rosemary.
I just, yeah, good point.
I didn't realise that as a kid, I thought it was parsley, sage,
rose, Mary and thyme.
I didn't realise they were all herbs.
That's the ingredients for a great evening in, isn't it?
Couple of herbs, couple of girls and thyme.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Damn right.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
I mean, they've never been to Scarborough, those guys, have they?
Plus I'm a Garfunkel.
Yeah, I assume not.
Well, no, because Paul Simon spent a lot of time in the North of England, didn't he?
That's true.
He did.
Oh, there we go. So he probably did. There's also probably about 18 Scarboroughs in the North of England, didn't he? Doing the folk clubs. That's true. He did in the folk clubs. So he probably did.
There's also probably about 18 Scarboroughs in the US as well, aren't there?
Oh yeah, there must be.
But they're not talking about that.
Obviously, if you go to a fair, why is there herbs at the fair?
What kind of fair is that?
It's a farmers market.
Good point.
That sounds like a really crap fair, doesn't it?
It's a terrible fair.
Well, a farmers market in the provinces is very different to your farmers market in London,
Henry.
It's not, you know, he wouldn't have been going to a farmer's market and having a sort
of fresh pulled pork calzone.
It's not happening.
Yeah.
Let it out, Mike.
You've been throwing this up.
Let it go.
Let it out.
It would have been a fistful of rosemary and a bag of kidneys. These are mixed kidneys, mixed kidneys. We don't ask too many questions there.
It's good for the price.
Almost 100% mammal, that's all we can...
If it was more true to life, it would be,
Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Pack of pants, five for a pound.
Yeah.
And something dipped in toffee.
A pack of pants.
Yeah. A pack of pants.
A pack of pants.
Batteries that claim to be duress.
So I like the line, remember me to all who go there, which means just like
remind everyone
that I exist.
Yes.
So the instructions to go on the fair going, do you remember Paul Simon?
And people are still doing that to this day.
Was he the guy that came to this fair looking for herbs?
I think I should remember him.
It was absolutely crazy.
Gave him a bag of kidneys and he seemed to be happy enough.
He was the guy that said Rosemary as if it was two different things.
Is that just how Americans say Rosemary?
I doubt it.
That would be a hell of a stroke of luck for the scanning of that song.
I reckon that's just one of...
There's many in the history of pop.
That's your artistic license.
Words that have been mangled, rhymes that have been forced.
The main one, the most famous of course is, Seen So Many Men Asking If You Wanted To Dance.
Looking for a little romance.
Yeah. Given half the chance.
Lady in Red of course is about the kidney stall at Scarborough Fair. She's covered,
head to toe spattered in kidney juices.
There's a cut verse about her kidney handbags, isn't it? Because she had one of her handbags
was a kidney that was strung around with intestinal tubing, wasn't it?
It was a very, very rare African elephant kidney.
Yeah, it was big enough for Oliver Keyes, for how many lockups, full of offal.
Just to get ahead of abolishing, I understand that Simon and Garfunkel didn't write Scrabble
Fair.
Oh, is it an old, is it E old E, is it a folk song?
Well, their version is based on the version by Martin Carthy, the English folk singer,
but I think it's, you know, a proper old song from E old times.
Well done, Benjamin.
It's one of those great what ifs, isn't it?
What if if Christenburg had been a Scouser?
The rhymes in that song would have made sense
in there. How? Well, never need so many men asking if you wanted to chance. Yeah, looking
for a little romance. Given after chance. Do you mean they actually you don't have to
change your the actual the rhymes actually work in this in a Scouse, in a Scouse accent.
Maybe the songwriter was Scouse. Mike, the songwriter was Christa Burr.
How very dare you.
The Frenchman, Christa Burr, he was French.
He sounds like someone who came over with the Northern Conquest, doesn't he, Christa
Burr?
He does.
He sounds like someone who you can see on the...
On the bio tapestry.
Yeah, who's famous for his three headed axe. He could decapitate three Anglo-Saxon noblemen
at the same time.
The sort of knight that got a bit impatient and sort of raced ahead of everyone else for
a bit and sort of started screaming obscenities only to be hacked to pieces.
By Bishop Odo.
And turned into burr in the sense of butter and spread all over the battlefield.
I was just looking up to make sure that he isn't a Scouser. But he was born in Vanado
Tueto, Santa Fe province, Argentina.
Hey, Chris de Burgh?
Yeah.
Oh, Burr. That's quite exciting.
Son of Hitler?
It's possible. Oh, but it's quite exciting. Son of Hitler.
It's possible.
Are there other Debeurre hits?
Lady in Red, obviously, and, um, Spaceman Came Traveling.
I think a lot of our, of our audience won't know that song. And I don't really even know it.
I don't think I vaguely know it.
It's very well known, isn't it?
It's part of the Canon.
Surely.
Spaceman Came Traveling.
Yeah.
The Christmas canon.
How does it go?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh is that Spaceman came travelling?
Yeah.
It's Jesus or the Archangel Gabriel, right? It's that
story, the way you look at it. But I think the reason this has happened is it's a thing
of, it's a strand in British music, started by David Bowie with his song Spaceman.
Starman. Which is... It's another, it's another Dill, it's another Dill moment.
Double down Henry, look! He's inflating! The hackles! The venom is coming out of his eyes!
He did a song Starman and obviously Space oddity and this kind of space space thing.
And ever since that British pop people reaching for credibility have gone for I think it's
time Chris, we're gonna have to put out a space song. Lady in red. It's huge amongst the, the, uh, the kid, the sort of illegal kidney black
market and kidneys. They love it, but it's not getting you a lot of cred. It's a popular
song, but no great. So you go for the space song. So obviously Elton John did it with
rocket man, rocket man and Krista Berg done it with space man. It's just a British thing
that you go, I'll do a space song because it's hard to place myself with my lyrics. British is a bit, I don't
know, I'm just going to go space. Just go, you can always go space if you're British.
I really like this theory. Okay, good. It feels good to me. Yeah. Yeah. But let the
elephant in the room is dearth of examples. I'm not going to fall on the death of examples.
Sword Hill again.
What was that?
Spaceman.
Spaceman always going round in me.
Babylon Zoo.
So Babylon Zoo is Spaceman.
I'm sorry that's a great example Mike, it's literally called Spaceman.
That's a great example.
And were they taken seriously?
Well they did well at the Euros. Euros? Didn? Well, it did well at the euros at the euros, didn't it?
It did well at the Eurovision.
It wasn't the Eurovision song.
I know that the Eurovision one was space that we did well at a few years ago.
Oh, the guy with the long hair and the space with me and a big space pilgrimage or whatever.
That's you can always just stick out a space song if you're British and it does all right.
We're going on a fun bus, a fun bus to Mars. Space space. It was that, was it?
You can always just stick it in a space lyric and you'll be okay. You'll be okay.
Sam Ryder.
Oh, okay.
And he did a song called...
I'm loving you around the Milky Way, baby, galaxy and fun with the space chums.
The song was called Spaceman.
There you go.
Yeah.
We've gone from dearth to girth, I'd argue here, terms of examples.
Walking on the moon by the police.
Yep.
Walking on the moon. Yeah. By the way, if you want to hear what sting sounds like you
just put any Geordie you put upside down in a metal bin.
That's the sound of a Geordie. That's what happens. And that's how they
that's how they got a lot of the effects on the police stuff.
You know, that's just reminded me, you know, in the song, the
boxer by Simon Garfunkel. Yeah, you know that sound? Yeah. Do
you know how they made that? Yeah, they had a big equity room, didn't they?
It's Alan Shearer with a bin on his head.
It's none of your software. They're shipping in Jordies.
I thought Gaffer Mockery was punching him in the kidneys.
Did you all remember to bring your bin, Alan? Oh no.
How did they coax Alan Shearer all the way to New York then in a bin?
Well, it was a deal with, because Paul Simon was into witchcraft at the time.
And it was a deal to be one of the greatest strikers that the 90s had ever seen.
Oh, I see.
So he sold his soul to Paul Simon.
And that's why he did that celebration, just one hand up, aka the Nazi salute, aka Christa
Bergstad is hit there. It's all connected. The man in space isn't the Archangel Gabriel.
It's actually Goebbels who's to this day floating in his escape craft. That's right.
We solved it guys.
Bloody solved it.
Is that offensive or is that alright?
I expect so to someone.
Maybe to the Goebbels family.
Yeah.
Yeah, space.
Spacers.
And you know the one where I think, and I know that Elton John, before people haven't
caught me for bringing down a sacred cow, he's very much alive
and I think a good health, he stopped touring. So I think we can have a pop at Elton John.
Wow.
Why is it people get so defensive about Elton John?
He's a bit of a sacred cow, isn't he?
He's such a sacred cow, but irrespective of that. I can't remember, we may have discussed
this on the pod before, but I do think the lyrics of a Rocketman smack of someone who's desperate,
like, I'm sick of opening the paper and saying, Bowie, everywhere I do think the lyrics of a Rocketman smack of someone who's desperate, like, I'm
sick of opening the paper and saying, Bowie, everywhere I turn, I want my space song.
Get on it, Tim Rice, I don't care.
Who's Bernie Torpin?
I don't care if you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, Bernie Torpin's my ride. I don't care,
Tim Rice. I'm going to lock you in this basement until you give me a space song. I've
got 10 different people in 10 different basements all trying to knock out a space song for me.
One of them is Alan Shearer.
One of them is Sue Goebbels. Goebbels is great niece. I'm trying all different angles on
this one. If one of you can write me a space man hit, I'll let you live. That was the deal. And it was Bernie
Torpen in the end that came up with it.
And that's why Tim Rice is dead.
I think that's why he's Tim Rice's dad, isn't it?
What?
Yeah, both.
Is Tim Rice dead?
No, but in this theory that he killed everyone who couldn't write him a space song, Rice
is dead and was replaced by a double.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah. How have we the lyrics in Rocketman?
I don't think so.
No, I don't think so.
But it's a subtopic that we maybe have touched on in the past.
I don't know if it's on the pod or elsewhere where it's, it's that
class of song where as soon as it comes up, someone inevitably goes,
you realise that's about heroin.
Uh, how is it?
Uh, but that's the other thing. Sorry. That's the other thing that all British songs can
reach to is right. The space band song isn't working. I've already done Lady in Red.
Of course Christopher's heroin work.
We'll have to put a rumour out that one of these songs is about heroin actually.
Basically, we'll get a bunch of six year olds to write a song and we'll say it's about heroin.
Thank God.
I'm a spicy lemon with the head of a moose, look at my shoes, they look like a goose.
Such an interesting song about the devastating effect of heroin.
Yeah, right.
As long as you've got enough Rolos to keep a six year old happy for like three hours, you get yourself a classic
British heroin song.
Yeah, they can conjure the image of the litter strewn streets of Walderhampton through the
eyes of someone on a come down.
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.
So is Rocketman about heroin, Michael? Is that conjecture?
It's definitely one of the songs that's in that group.
The interpretation.
I think that's what goes with the space song, doesn't it? And it went with Bowie in space.
It's all a bit like out there and like, oh, is it to do with drugs? Because remember the
people buying these songs are British, suburban, like...
Drogg geography teachers. So they get they want to get a bit of, you
know, vicarious like excitement. So the lyrics of rocket man. She packed my bag last night's
pre flight. I mean, pre flight, you can argue this slightly banal, banal lyrics put in a
song pre flight. I mean, if I was describing my own packing as pre-flight, you'd say, why are you using such weirdly over formal language? Pre-flight?
Well, that's the cravings, isn't it? Pre-flight. That's the cravings. Yeah. Zero hour, nine
a.m. That's just literally telling him, telling us what time a flight's leaving. I'm going
to be high as a kite by then. Here we go. Okay. It's hard to find, but if you look, yeah, there's something in there,
isn't there? You can look through the lyrics. Okay, I miss you so much. I miss my wife. It's
lonely out in space on such a timeless flight. So hence that's him feeling lonely on drugs.
So I mean, there's an argument he could have just said, I had some heroin last night.
It made me hire as a kite. A bit of a ropey this morning. And it's creating, you know,
relationship difficulties, relationship
difficulties. I can't, I can't seem to get around to renewing my residential parking
permit. Oh drugs. Oh drugs. Welcome to Behind the Heroin Lyrics with Henry Smacker.
Ex heroin addict who now goes around spending a lot of time working with kids in schools
about heroin. It turns out a lot of time working with kids in schools about heroin.
It turns out a lot of them hadn't even thought about heroin until he told them not to take it and some of them actually got into it just out of interest. So yeah, there will always be some
collateral heroin take up after Henry Smacker visits your school, just so you know. And also
to avoid them getting involved with the nasty black market element of heroin. Uh, you know, Henry Smacker is actually a fairly safe person to buy heroin from.
I think it's going to be a long, long time to touch.
Man brings me around again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home.
Oh no, no, no, no.
I'm a rocket man, rocket man burning out his shoes up here alone.
Okay.
It's okay.
It's really good.
Okay.
Next.
Here's, here's where I think the lyrics sounds good. Mars ain't the
kind of place to raise your kids. That's by any metric in
any medium. That isn't a good line. Mars ain't the kind of
place to raise your kids. You like that? I do like it. So why
is that good? Is that because you thought maybe there was some
doubt around that idea before he cleared it up for us?
He's so far removed with his drug-addled brain from the world.
So do you think that's him?
It's like he's on Mars.
It's like, you know.
Yeah, but he, okay, so he's got, this is the trouble with the heroin lyric, because you've
got a bit of an escape clause, which is, no, that's not the point that the lyric is so
bad is because it's from the point of view of a heroin addict.
It's like when you try and tell a teenager why their short story's bad, or poem's bad,
they always go, that's the point that it's badly structured, because the character's
bad.
Why are you doing that Henry?
It's as if you're not doing heroin awareness in schools, you're just going to schools and
telling people, telling budding 14 year old writers that they're short stories and shit.
I've been in your bedroom, I've found your secret collection of short stories under your
pillow, I've had a look, here's a toss.
And before you complain, you are being restrained by two heavies, yep, so you're just going
to sit through this, I've gone through your entire short story collection, it's on PowerPoint,
and I shared it with the school.
No, but you know
that thing of like, have you ever tried to give someone to feedback about something or
had it yourself? Whatever something you really care about. This is this bit is a bit bad
and you go, that's the point of it is that it's supposed to be bad from that point of
view in that moment. It's that's why that's the whole point. Because it's heroin. Yeah.
So heroin people might think that you might want to raise your kids on Mars. That's why that's the whole point. Because it's heroin. Yeah? So heroin people
might think that you might want to raise your kids on Mars. That's the point.
You know last week when you said that one of the ingredients of that salad was dill,
were you actually saying heroin? Is that what you were trying to do?
That's the whole point of it.
Greek salads are about heroin or space or Jesus. Exactly, all salads are a metaphor.
That whole salad is just a metaphor for getting messed up on space...
Space horse.
Crystal horse, yeah.
So Mars isn't the kind of place to raise your kids.
In fact, it's cold as hell.
What? In fact, it's cold as hell. It's cold as hell. What? In fact, it's cold as hell.
So he was thinking, is he thinking that I'm thinking that it's the perfect temperature
for kids?
Yeah.
It's actually cold. What does that mean? So Mars isn't the kind of place to raise your
kids, right? So what he's saying is, on the one hand, Mars isn't the kind of place to
raise your kids. In fact, even more so more so is cold. What does that mean?
Well, because it's not it seems like it's party time, fun time, drug time, but it's
not it's not warm party fuzzy. It's cold, it's lonely, it's dangerous.
Okay, but I think the trouble, the trouble with it is the idea that there's any kind
of set of shared assumption that Mars is a good place to raise your kids.
But what you're saying is he's deliberately creating a kind of premise that you don't
share and he's then deconstructing the premise I didn't share anyway.
In fact, a mad premise.
It's like saying it's like saying it's like saying you shouldn't marry a horse.
The horse isn't the kind of thing you should marry.
In fact,
they've got really sharp hooves. What do you mean? I didn't want to marry one anyway. You need to give me examples. Marrying a horse is quite a good metaphor for heredity.
It really is, isn't it? Okay, so it says, hey, come on, you can't defend this. So Mars isn't
the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell.
And there's no one there to raise them if you did.
And there was no one there to raise them if you did!
Yeah.
What?
I've always wondered what if you did mean.
If you did raise them there, you couldn't, because there isn't anyone there. What? That's
like saying, it's like, well, I didn't say we could in the first place. That's like saying,
you want to marry a horse? Yeah, well, actually they've got really sharp hooves.
And actually you can't even marry one anyway.
Why do you want to marry one?
Oh, stop having a go at me.
It's your crazy idea.
Yeah, that's about the infuriating resilience of addiction in a loved one.
It's a bit like the old kind of, you know, if a lion spoke English, you wouldn't be able
to understand what they said anyway.
Oh yeah.
You know, they're so far removed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
From society.
It's impenetrable.
No one's there to raise me if you did.
And all the science, I don't understand.
It's just my job five days a week.
That bit I've always thought was weird because in my head that means his job is to be a scientist
on the moon or Mars.
A scientist or someone looking after kids? Is he a nanny on the moon? This is his ad.
Elton John moon nanny.
Yeah, I may just do the albums and stuff to support the moon nanny work.
Elton, shouldn't we just put like a double page ad in the Times or something, let the people
know you're doing this Moon Nanny thing? No, I'm going to conceal it with the lyrics of
a song. It's going to be a huge success, you'll see.
People are going to really want me to be their Moon Nanny.
My lunar nursery will be huge.
But I suppose I get the heroin thing. He's saying it's his job five days a week, so he's
like, that's all he does now or the weekends off heroin does that mean?
It's a bit like a sort of sort of fasting diet.
Okay okay and that's kind of it isn't it then it's the rest of it I mean I do
really I do think it's a really good song just because it's such it's just
such a great tune he's a great singer. And the lyrics are good. And the lyrics are actually quite good
it turns out. With a caveat of it's a heroin song, so you can just write whatever you want. Okay. I'm glad
we had that little chat. Do you feel like that was cathartic in any way? I think it was for you. I
think the dill thing has been bothering you. I feel that that's been cathartic for me. I'm feeling
much more. And I'm glad you feel okay feel okay Henry because there are thousands of people who just this week had a
Dill flavor. I know
Using I can't apologize enough to those people. They might write some good song lyrics about it. It's true
I'm a spicy lemon with the head of a moose. Look at my shoes. They look like a goose
Who drugs let's turn on the beam machine La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la This week's topic is sent in by Charlie from St. Louis.
Oh, hello Charlie. Or St. Louis.
St. Louis, I reckon. Thanks, Charlie.
I think so.
Take me to St. Louis.
Take me to St. Louis. Yeah. Take me to St. Louis. Yeah.
That's a song, isn't it?
Yeah, you're right. Yeah.
What's her face?
What's her name?
Lulu.
Chattanooga Cheryl.
Judy Garland.
Judy Garland.
In one of those films that she's in. Meet Me in St. Louis, it's called.
Meet Me in St. Louis. It's one of those films that has an exclamation mark.
In glorious Technicolor. And it's huge, big Meet Me in St. Louis exclamation mark.
You never watch them.
I watched it at a recent Christmas because it's got one of the big Christmas songs in it.
Like...
Old man river, the old man. That one. They've always got that song in it. He keeps on. That song, that song's
in all those songs. I think. Well, it's in show boat, which is the film it's in. It's
in show boat. Is that exclamation mark in glorious technicolor? That's question mark.
That's question mark. Show boat. Meet me and St. Louis, have yourself a merry little Christmas in it.
Does it really?
That's where that's from.
Well, well.
I sometimes have this thing, which is I feel like I need to be watching more of these vintage
films.
Are there only seven brides for seven brothers?
That's another...
I think there's that one with Old Man River Inn, I'm not sure.
No, it's Showboat.
Oh, that's Showboat, sorry.
Which is about a paddle steamer.
It's like a circus on a paddle steamer.
Okay.
It's good.
It's good stuff.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is quite good.
Do you know that one?
No.
Oh, that's good, but it's problematic.
Is it a cowboy one?
I've got a feeling I've seen that as a small child, but not since. It's a cowboy one.
Oh, that's got a great song, which is, I love these songs they have
with incredibly deep voiced men.
So it's just, bless your beautiful hide.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You've got quite a nice Mississippi bass going on.
You've got a lovely sort of, uh, I've got a good deep, I've got a good resident Mississippi base, it's true. I've always got that to fall back
on. I've always been my plan B. Mississippi crooner. But it's problematic because it's
about this guy who's got seven sons and they just go and kidnap seven women and marry them.
Which at the time seems a very romantic tale.
It seems really romantic, yeah.
A tale of initiative.
Well this week's topic, as sent in by Charlie from St. Louis.
Or St. Louis.
Or St. Louis.
Is wine.
Ooh la la. Ooh la la indeed. Wine is hits
me in one of my most uncomfortable areas of feeling that I should know about it but all the
people would think I might or people might think that I but nothing I've got a foot do you mean?
As part of the Metropolitan you mean as part of
the Metropolitan of these as part of the Metropolitan of the as the East maker
the complex uber sophisticated web of my personality yeah that I that I that I
conjure that this web that I spin it's one of the areas where it should be it
should be a bolt in your urbane quiver, shouldn't it? Exactly. But it's actually a chink in my pretentious armor.
Because if you get yourself a toe hold in that chink in my armor, if you get a crowbar in there and you start cranking, you will open me up like a crab. The whole edifice tumbles. It's a real weak spot. Yeah.
It's an Achilles heel, I think for me. I didn't either view a big wine people either I use from my experience.
me. I didn't either view a big wine people either. I use from my experience.
I didn't know anything about wine. I like a glass of wine. Sure. I don't know anything beyond what's in the contents of the movie sideways. That's it.
Yeah. Well, there's a thing in sideways where he says, is it like I'll never
drink a Merlot or something?
Merlot is bad.
So that I know that from that film Merlot.
But I've definitely drunk Merlot and thought that's right. So I already I
know enough from that that I don't have the palette to be a wine expert or anything like that. Well, because you quite like Merlot. But I've definitely drunk Merlot and thought, that's all right. I already know enough from that that I don't have the palette to be a wine expert or anything like that.
Well, because you quite like Merlot. Yeah. As it turns out, yeah. I'm one of those thugs.
I'm not really a wine person at all, unless I'm abroad and then I'm like Mr. Wine. So
I remember going on holiday to Rome and going to like a sort of wine pub, essentially.
And it just being one of the greatest nights of my life in terms of them just bringing
me wine after wine and going, ah, yes.
And you'll taste the minerals as this one was.
The grapes are from the southern side of Mount Etna and you know, and you do taste it and
you go, what?
Yeah.
And of course, around the back, we're seeing, you're not seeing is the old man saying to his son, the
waiter, so it's very simple.
You just take a Rye Beaner and the goat does one little bit of piss in the Rye Beaner.
Then you mix it up and you give it to him, but with a nicer smile, a very important,
but it's...
Say something about minerals.
Say something about minerals.
And he'll think about minerals and then he'll think that he can taste minerals.
So yeah, when I'm abroad I quite like to try the local wine.
Yeah.
And I enjoy myself. I like it. But I'm not really, like in a pub in Britain I'm never
getting a glass of wine. But that's because it's going to be shit wine, right?
Yeah. I mean, I don't even know if I really get, I think a little bit more than I used to, but get
this distinction between good and bad wine really.
Well, the thing to do Henry is to work out whether it tastes nice.
Yeah, but again, you see, again, you see you've cranked, you've got in the armour there with
the, that's the first crank.
I can hear the first crack.
You can hear, yeah, because you're tugging away the carapace is, you can hear the first crack. You can hear, I can, yeah. Cause you're what you're doing. You're tugging away the carapace and remember of course it is, it's linked to my
actual flesh, that carapace with strands.
Crab style.
With strands of crabby fibers.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, so you're tearing up my very, very flesh as you, as you yank it off as a,
it's not, doesn't it slip on and off like a helmet.
It's not like that then it's carapace grown out of me. So you're getting very, very deep, but you're
cranking it you've given the crowbar you got your foot on it there. Because well, I
forgot what you said. What was it?
I just pointed out that whether something's good or not might come down to whether it
tastes nice to you.
Oh, yeah, but you see, but then you're going into the my personality is such a construction in this respect around these things that I don't know whether,
whether or what I like or don't like, whether I like it or not is, is, is
irrelevant when you've got the harsh glare of the London social scene.
Yeah.
When you're under those lights, I'm looking across the table.
I'm looking for a friendly face.
Cloud balding.
Fair balding.
She knows you've ordered the dill.
She's wondering what you're going to choose as a wine to go with the dill.
I've gone for the dill starter, which is just a plate full of dill.
I've got to get this decision right.
Hugh Bonneville is giving me daggers as a Kenneth Branagh.
You know who else is?
Olivia Colman.
And you're in Nova Scotia is?
Southeast of Canada.
Left out Hackman?
I left out Hackman because he's not part of the London social scene.
No, fair play.
Or at least not at a tier that I'm at.
As opposed to Nova Scotia, which is...
Very much is.
Turning heads left, right and centre.
Oh yeah.
It's the hot new wine growing region isn't it?
Nova Scotia.
Look, my personality, I've been smelted in the harsh glare of...
The Trocadero Centre.
The unforgiving lights.
Of M&M World.
M&M World and before at the Swiss Centre.
The Book of Mormon playing on the corner.
Yeah.
Mamma Mia.
Les Mis.
Blood Brothers.
Soho.
Battersea.
Old Southwark.
Streatham.
Vauxhall.
Tuffnell Park.
Barnet, technically.
Madden Two Swords.
The Son of the Dead.
The Last of Us. The Last of Us. The Last of Us. The Last of Us. The Last of Us. Old Southwark Streatham Vauxhall Tuffnell Park Barnet, technically
Madden Two-Sorts
The Senate of...
Halfords
Zone 5
Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.
Next stop, and the most important one.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West.
The Great Wall of the West. The Great Wall of the West. The Great Wall of the West. The Great Wall of the West. The Great Wall of the West. Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.
Next stop, urban enlightenment.
The glamorous London life of Henry Baccar.
Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?
No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know.
I don't even really know if I like it or what I like with wine. It's quite hard. I find
that we've talked about this coming before, but with drinking as well, it's something
that you know you do, you start doing when you're trying to impress people as a sort
of teenager and stuff and it takes a while to then catch up and work out what do I actually like? I mean, I think I like the idea of a glass of red,
you know, with beef, or lamb, whatever, you know, with red
meat, a glass of red. It feels like a nice idea, doesn't it?
But do I actually? Would I would I prefer a corona, a corona, a
glass of lemon squash, or some lemon squash?
I don't know.
I mean, I was offered some, a glass of red wine on Easter Sunday.
Was this communion?
It was over Sunday lunch.
It's quite a bolded communion to go, have you got anything?
Have you got white?
You've got a rose.
If it's cold or just pop an ice cube in it.
Can we spritz of this?
Can we spritz of this? Can we spritz it?
You wouldn't, you wouldn't, you wouldn't be able to rustle me up a mojito, would you?
Tell you what, it's quite earthy this red, it's a bit gritty.
We could put a bit of fruit in it, we could sangria this, it'll come up sweet.
You could sangria it, lovely.
Get it out in jugs, get it for, get it out in jugs.
People will laugh it up.
Sweeten it up a bit.
You charge £5.95 for that you
get the you get the lemon juice you get the lemon squash and everything from Aldi you could be
making two three quid a pint and let's replace these wafers with wasabi peas
we've basically just reinvented the pub you get the pews facing each other you get shorter pews
get them facing each other little round tables in Replace the organ with a jukebox.
That altar can be barbillards, easy peasy, no problem.
Gerald's wife, and Gerald actually, imagine them, no clothes in a cage.
That's your classic English pub.
You've got yourself a classic English pub.
So you're having your red wine for lunch.
Oh yeah, I find it quite heavy.
I think I generally do prefer a light beer.
I'm just going to say that.
I think my thing about if I have wine is I'm just going to, I think I get drunk quite fast
on it.
I think that's the other problem.
Yeah, that is the problem.
It's quite strong, isn't it, wine?
Yeah.
It really gets you hammered because it goes down too quickly.
If I'm at a situation, for example, if there's a wedding or something and it's just being
freely poured, I can get myself in trouble quite quickly.
That's my thing with wine. I think like with wine, you're just, you're getting hammered.
But maybe it's because we drink wine. Maybe it's a British thing that I sort of drink
wine at the pace that I would drink a pint, I suppose, maybe or something. I'm not very
good at sipping it, but I just think that if I'm on the wine, I'm getting absolutely
hammered. Do you know what I mean? Like, and it it just feels like a real extreme choice to have a glass of wine.
I do like that kind of, that idea we have of life in France where they have like a small,
tiny little glass of wine with lunch and it's all very-
Little round little boule.
Yeah.
They can handle it.
They can enjoy a little glass and that be that for that meal.
In France, you know that French service stations are called the
coutiers.
Yeah.
And quite often.
So there's one, there's a few I've been to where, um, they're
basically for truckers.
So it's like, it's, it's a known stop for truckers.
They'll be the, you know, the massive car park and the truck has come in
for their lunch and then you go in, you have a great lunch.
Yeah. Be like a three course, a prefix.
Superb.
Yeah.
Three course, prefixed.
Unlimited, beautiful, fresh bread.
Like the starter one might be like a hoof stuffed with stuffed with prawns, whatever,
an ox hoof stuffed with prawns.
It'd be like really quite interesting fare.
Yeah.
Yeah. And the main course would be like
a goose head.
Stuffed in the mouth of an osprey.
Yeah, exactly. Every table has a carafe of red wine on it as you go in. So it's not even
you don't even have to order it. And this is for truckers. So they're like, this is
being sort of standard. You get wine in you or whatever, even though your job involves driving. But it's fine. It seems to work alright. I think because they're all hammer so, you know, they're like, this is being sort of standard. You get, you get wine in you or whatever, even though your job, job involves driving, but it's fine. It seems
to seem so like, right? I think because they're all hammered, you know, you're drunk, you
crash your car into someone else's drunk, or you might hit a pedestrian who's also drunk.
It means your lorry is nice and floppy, doesn't it? Exactly. Everyone's floppy. There's, there's
much less abrasive crack, isn't it? Much less breakage wounds in French hospitals. And then
the ambulance will turn up up they'll be drunk.
You may crash on the way to the hospital everyone in the hospitals drunk.
They get you in a wine drip.
Invite drunk kids round to see you.
But it sort of works it all evens itself out.
This could be considered as horrifically xenophobic were it not for the fact that, I mean, Henry, you're the greatest Francophile.
I'm a huge Francophile, so I'm allowed.
Created.
I'm allowed.
Whereas in Britain, I think, I think those, I remember seeing a thing about the average
size of a wine glass in Britain.
Oh, in a pub.
It's like a third of a bottle.
Which is a third of a bottle, exactly.
It's bonkers.
Whereas when in France, they always have those tiny little nice little lunch size ones.
Yeah.
What do you think of the whole culture in Britain of like, um,
mummies having a glass of wine.
What is that?
Or like posters that are to do with?
Prosecco o'clock.
Prosecco o'clock.
Every day's a wine day or I don't know.
This is what mummy calls water.
What are all those jokes?
What do you think of that house of culture?
Are you into that?
Am I into it?
I don't know. What's your take on it?
It feels quite old hat, doesn't it?
It's a bit gendered in a way that's a bit grim.
It is gendered.
Yeah. But I guess then you get, it's in the same way that men sort of get birthday cards
with like beer on it.
Yeah.
So there is definitely an idea in Britain that beer is for men and wine is for women,
which is very weird.
I think that's very British.
I don't think that happens in France, I don't think.
But I do think there's something about the British attitude to...
Yeah, what we've done with wine.
Because it's very much like, basically everyone in Europe makes wine, don't they, apart from
us?
Well, we make a bit of wine in South England.
But we make a good, but we do, but I think we're quite defensive about it.
It is actually quite good, actually.
Okay, so I'm going to say, first of all, just to clear things up, I'm going to say apologies
to all the British producers of the overpriced filth that they call wine. No, no, I'm sure
it's great. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But historically, Britain has been,
it's like wine is just, it's this continental, slightly glamorous kind of thing, isn't it
for us, wine? Yes, definitely. Yeah. It doesn't feel intrinsic to our culture. It feels like wine is just, it's this continental, slightly glamorous kind of thing, isn't it for us? Wine.
Yes, definitely. Yeah. It doesn't feel intrinsic to our culture. It feels like it's an import.
It's Spain, France, Italy. Isn't it? That's how we, that's, we think of those as like,
it's like getting yourself a Hyundai.
Getting yourself a Hyundai. It's a status thing, isn't it? It's sophistication and,
and the vintage of the Hyundai matters, doesn't it? It's sophistication and the vintage of the high end day matters,
doesn't it?
2009.
A decent year, a solid year, not a great year. It's no 2007, it's a solid year. And Ben,
you can tell the vintage of a high end day, can't you, just by cracking the door and giving
it a sniff, can't you?
Yeah. And sometimes I like to just drink a bit of the liquid that's collected in the footwells. Roll it round your mouth. Yeah. And sometimes I like to just drink a bit of the liquid that's collected in the
footwells.
Roll it round your mouth.
Yeah.
It's the chalky soils around the factory where they were built in South Korea.
I think what's happened then with wine, again, Britain, is that wine, because it's not seen
as native somehow, it's got this European sophistication to it in our minds. So what's
happened, I'm just going to trace the origin of this slightly gendered stereotype thing
about mummy and her wine or whatever. But I think it then became a kind of acceptable
way to drink because it's like sophisticated, it's like being on holiday. It's like going
to...
Yeah, it's not like just downing pints at home.
It's not like downing pints at home. But so therefore that the humor is in this idea that um, mommy's getting in a bit of a drink under the radar
because it's wine. It's sophisticated. It's it's, do you know what I mean? But the other thing,
which I think is quite funny about that is the size of wine glasses in Britain, the amount of wine
that we can put into a glass, which is supposedly, so in a way it's masquerading
as this thing that you have with a bit of food or, you know, while watching the sunset
in Palermo, whatever, but you get this huge glass, basically the size of like, you know,
an industrial bucket. Sometimes someone's pouring wine into a glass and it can just last for so long. You'll be
chatting to someone like, you know, a sister-in-law, an uncle, whatever, and they'll be pouring
the wine talking to you.
You've managed to describe the entire plot of Total Recall before they on. So hang on, so was it a holiday or it was a holiday he was going
on but he got to chose? No, no, so he thought he was going on a holiday but he was actually
trapped in the, he was actually still on Earth. So does that mean, do you think Mars will
be habitable one day? Well we'd have to look into recreating a false atmosphere.
I mean, there's no place to raise your kids, is it? There's no one there to do it if you
did.
What does that mean?
Tell you what, tell me that lyric again once I've downed this and it might make some sense.
Have you noticed that? How long it takes to fill a glass of wine in Britain?
Yeah, absolutely.
Extraordinary. And also, you take-
There's a stem on the bottom of that receptacle, you're okay.
But that stem is being after a lot of work. And then that big, because also, I think, you know,
that's what it is. It's because of this concept of just a glass, I'm just going to have one glass. So what we've done in Britain is we've designed the biggest glasses
that can be held by the thinnest stems on earth. We've employed the greatest glass blowers
on earth to design these things. And you fill it up and essentially then have to crack onto
the sex again, just give me a sec. So Paul, so Arnold Schwarzenegger is rolling around
his eyes are popping out. So just pause there, I'm just going to open the second bottle.
Up, up, up, up.
Time to read your emails.
Yes please.
When you send an email
You must give thanks to the postmasters that came before.
Good morning, postmaster! Anything for me?
Just some old shit.
When you send an email, this represents progress Like a robot shooing a horse
Take me your horse
My beautiful horse!
This is from Ondra
Hello Ondra
Thanks Ondra
Dear beans, long time listener, first time email sender here,
hailing all the way from the dreamland that is the Czech Republic.
Wow. I think this is our first Czech correspondence. I think it is, isn't it? Yeah.
Upon hearing about Henry's fear of Rumpelstiltskin's name.
Yeah, you didn't like that, did you? Rumpelstiltskin.
Yeah, you didn't like that, did you? Rampelstiltsky.
It just doesn't make any sense, does it, as a name?
And also add to that, that name and someone flying around on a ladle.
How terrifying is that?
Rumpeltsempel.
Hang on.
What happened?
Sorry, I played that too early.
But that was...
You didn't want...
I thought that was a genuine haunting.
I thought it was a haunting. I was genuinely a witch. Because that felt like
it came from the darkest forests of like medieval Europe.
I thought I was going to see a lady come across the screen and splat you across the face for
a moment.
Yeah. You know, that was a time where they say around about that area in medieval times,
Europe was thickly densely covered in dark sinister forest, wasn't it? They say like
up to seven out of 10 maidens, you kiss them, they're 10 into a wolf, a crabbed old wolf.
So very, very difficult time for dating, wasn't it? Because on the one hand, you didn't have
the apps, so it was more face to face. You didn't have all that stuff that goes with
the apps, but the amount of dates that would end with you getting your face torn off by
a wolf, much higher.
Ondra writes, I'm informing you about the name used in the Czech version of the story,
which sees your rumple and raises you a krumpa and also a kamper, creating a rumple crumper crumper.
Attached, please find my rendition for reference. Here you go, Henry.
Yes, please.
Rumple zimper zumper.
A bit slower this time. Rumple zimper zumper.
There you go.
Henry's wincing.
Absolutely blood curdling, isn't it? It's the rolling of the Rs and the kind of...
Rumpel simper sumper.
It sounds also like it could go on and on and on.
Yes, it doesn't have to stop.
It's like the pie of names.
Yeah.
But also I think one of the reasons it's so sinister is because it almost sounds like
a fun name, like a circus-y...
Because it's got that...
You know the way circuses are scary and scary way clowns are scary because they're
sort of sort of fun but not like rumpled, bumble, bumble, bumble. It's like sinister
fun. Come and play with my toys. Come and play with my maracas. My maracas. I was tabby
with my maracas. Do you mean like poisoned candy floss that kind of evil?
Yeah. Well, thanks for that, Andre. Nice to get an email from the Czech Republic.
Yeah.
Jake writes, hello.
Hello, Jake.
I too drilled my hand while listening to three bean salad.
It's an epidemic.
Coincidence?
That refers to a couple of weeks ago, someone else had dropped through their hand. Yeah, yeah.
Threw him inside.
Sorry about that. Well, I have to add to the warnings when we're, I think, explicit content
and you know, just turn your drill off for a minute. Do not operate industrial machinery,
isn't it? It's one of those. Are we in that category now?
I think it seems like it. Yeah.
Yeah.
We also had an email from Sam. He says, you spoke about having a missing finger and about
how that could be used as a talking point. As someone who is missing the index finger
on my left hand, I can assure you it is a talking point. Even more so when I've had
a few too many beverages and start performing a magic missing finger trick, but with an
actual missing finger. That would be good.
Yes. It doesn't quite have the payoff at the end, doesn't it? When it's
just the fingers missing. I mean, what's the payoff from a magic point of view? He doesn't
get to replace the finger.
Well, I guess it's like, cause as a kid, you were amazed by the missing fingertrick, right?
And you grew up and you realised that it's just the other knuckle or whatever and it's
not really a missing finger. So it's like a double bluff where there's like, actually
this is a missing finger.
Yeah.
We didn't know if he's still got that, if it is missing, if maybe he's got it and
he's had it stuffed and he puts it in your mojito or whatever.
Yeah.
That's a nice little touch.
That would be nice touch, wouldn't it?
He says, however, as a member of the agricultural community, brackets sort of,
I'm a tree surgeon.
I can assure you that having a missing finger is not seen as a badge of honor.
If anything, it's used by most of the lands at work to make me look like a tit.
It doesn't help that I lost it within the first month of working as a tree surgeon and that I'm worrying the accident prone for a bloke who climbs trees with a
chainsaw in his hand.
Well fair play to him for keeping going in that career. I mean, most people, if they
offer a month in had lost one tenth of the digits on their hands. Yeah.
Most people would go, do you know what?
I'm looking down the barrel of, after a year of this, I'm looking at down the barrel of
this rate.
No digits.
I might just, might retrain.
Which admittedly will be an incredible magic trick for kids admittedly.
Yeah, that's tricky isn't it?
But then statistically you think maybe it's just.
You've got to hide the way.
This is the tithe I've paid.
But he says, however, it can't have deterred me that much as four years later, I'm
still cutting down trees.
All the best, Sam.
Fair play, Sam.
Well done.
Yeah.
Fair play, Sam.
Yeah.
But I think you can't, you can get on fine with that finger basically.
Can't you?
I think it's, um, well, it's time for listener bollocking of the week.
Accessing listener Bollocking.
Bollocking loaded.
Bollocking loaded.
Hi beans, in the recent episode of The Beach, Henry asserted that losing a little finger
would be a minor inconvenience. This is wrong. The little finger accounts for approximately
a third of total grip strength.
Is this coming from a koala? Is that true? A third?
It would be better to lose the ring finger if you had to lose one.
Oh really?
Because that would cause a reduction of grip strength by a fifth.
That's fascinating. I didn't know that.
Yeah. We've had a few people telling us that.
Okay. That's good to know.
Nick writes Dear Beans, while listening to Nell's story on the latest episode of 3B inside
about putting a drill through their hand, I sliced
off the top of my finger.
Oh God, come on guys.
With an unfamiliar vegetable peeler.
While listening to us or just...
While listening to us talk about someone putting a drill through their hand.
Oh my God, the irony. Come on everyone. Safety first, please.
What have we started? What have we created?
What have we created?
Okay, can please, no one be listening to this unless they're wearing chainmail gloves from
this point on now.
Yeah.
Henry, I should have asked, do you accept the previous bollock?
Was that a bollock?
Well, you said that you could lose your little finger with no...
100% accept that, yeah.
Okay.
That was foolish of me? Biking Accepted
It's time
To pay the ferryman. Patreon, Patreon.
Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.
Thanks to everyone who signed up. The Patreon, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad
is the place to go.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Add free episodes, bonus episodes, our occasional film.
Film corner.
Film review.
Don't think we call ourselves reviewers.
It seems a stretch.
There's a big lack of expertise and knowledge going on in that particular patron only podcast.
Film chat.
And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike
from the Sean Bean lounge.
Where Mike spent last night.
Indeed.
And it was a bit of a controversial one last night, Mike, wasn't it?
Because it was the, um, the puffin hunt.
It's that time of year again?
It was indeed, thank you Ben and here's my report.
You weld like an actor. Five words spoken at the Rotherham College of
Technology to a young welding student by the name of Sean Bean.
And we all know how the rest of that story goes. Sean Bean of course held on
to the item being inspected by that horrified tutor as a memento. And that item was of course a welded metal puffin statuette,
brought out once a year in the Sean Bean Lounge to commemorate the power of acting,
over-welding, and needless to say for the annual puffin hunt, which took place last night at the
Sean Bean Lounge. Jacob Popple was charged with hiding the puffin this year and was destroyed
immediately afterwards by Tommy Clark using Patrick's hominid spiralizer to preserve secrecy.
Jason Boden, Louise Elbinor, Callum Tovey and Martin Tunstall teamed up to take apart Dave Carl, aka Super Dave, within whom they'd thought they'd heard metal clanking,
and within whom they thought they'd find the iron puffin, but only found KP's lost ornamental hinge collection. Niall Rush and Sarah Hamiche looked in the down-to-says toilet, no news because it has
a glass revolving door, but only found Callum Gracie, who had emerged and had been living
in the system for five years.
Dean Ricker-Smith was about to check down the back of every sofa, until Corina pointed
out that this was what won him the competition last year, and was the reason Sean Bean had
insisted all sofas be replaced with back-class ones.
Justin Thornhill, Dan Gerry Berrybean, Rob Reeves and Joel Carriageway searched in a
wardrobe Sean Bean bought off C.S. Lewis in the 60s.
And despite spending 47 years in the land of the forms and thriving as parochial warlords
and tax collectors, emerged in Sean Bean lounge time after merely eight seconds, and the only
thing that had aged were their necks.
Faye Alexandra ransacked the locker room but only found a kilo of uncut diamonds.
Ran Urquhart Gilmore pulled up every premium carpet in the entire lounge and incurred four
generations of debt.
Helen McKenna, Chiara Hanna, G Mackenzie Smith and Paul Grafton surged high and low
with what they thought were metal detectors sold to them by Mr Jamface, but which were
actually broken banjos covered in tin foil.
Sarah Mower and Christopher Time went on the hunt in the robotic aviary without protective clothing and were
adopted by a highly possessive sentient cassowary tomatom. Diane Morrison, Samuel Hudson and
Sam Spice tried the woodshed but frightened Sean Bean's pet Adder and had to spend the
rest of the evening calming it down with songs from Aspects of Love. Nikesh, Colin Bryson
and Jamie Carter tried the infirmary as a team,
but so too did a team made up of Morgan Kenning, Tansey and Gary Luncheon-Meat, leading to a
territorial duel adjudicated by Francesca Bansheska in which the weapons of choice were
Daniel Francis Watson Esquire's vintage iron lungs. The duel was so forceful it dislodged plaster from
the ceiling in the room below, i.e. Sean Bean's smart casual clothing for Prawns Factory, smashing Tom Crawford Sharp's lucky China hat, ruining Poffy
Mackenzie Smith's lucky cup of Pollock tears, and burying Martin Parfit's lucky
legs, torso, arms and head. Rosie Mill Smith thought tunnelling was the order of
the day, and within just 90 minutes had caused Rich Deet to disappear into a
sinkhole, given Sam Thompson the accidental volcanic geezer treatment,
mistaken John Halestone for a drill bit and blunted him permanently,
inadvertently fired Gemma Bell through a top-secret transatlantic flume all the way to New York City,
and directed Quivine, Ali and Tom Hassan up a sub-tunnel and into His Majesty's prison ship, Vanguard.
Dozer Q attempted to present a forged iron puffin and was expelled vertically,
but Casey McCooler brought matters to a close admirably by hunting down the puffin, slap bang in the middle of Sean Bean's papier-mache life-sized
replica of the moon. Thanks all.
All right, that's the show. We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent
in by Connor, who now must be the most prolific.
Thanks, Connor.
Oh, Connor Connor.
Connor.
Connor Connor Connor Connor.
Brilliant.
He says it is submission number eight.
Good timing.
And I thought it's about time I mix things up.
Usually in these emails I have some sort of barbed comments directed towards Henry.
But this time I'm going to let the music do the talking.
Yeah.
I've learnt not to trust Conor anymore.
There's always a Trojan sort of...
Trojan guitar. There's always a Trojan sort of Trojan guitar. There's always a Trojan guitar in
there somewhere. He's written Godspeed Henry for Mike and I are about to take you on a
journey. Oh God. Best Connor. P.S. I used AI to generate Mike's voice. Oh wow. Let's
see what that sounds like. Thanks Connor. That's the show. Well thank you for listening. Thank
you everybody. Thank you very everybody. See you soon.
Hi I'm Mike Wozniak and I'm here to help Henry lose his mind. It's guitar time.
Connor, let's go.
That sounds way too much like modern wank. Do something more 1980s. I actually taught Pam the electric guitar blues Disco. Jazz Funk. FUNK! Bluebell, what are you doing here?
Why?
You've come to jam?
Why?
You're tired of living a lie?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
What do you mean you're done with Henry and his incessant guitar bashing?
Wait, is that a tiny guitar in your paw?
Well then, what do you want to play? I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food.
I'm gonna go get some food. I'm gonna go get some food. Where the hell did that come from, Bluebell? Yes, I agree. Henry is a dull bastard.
That was something else. That AI mic was fairly horrifying, wasn't it? Well, it's most chilling for me because if I do sound like that, that's...
It honestly didn't sound like you at all, really.
No.
Well, that's an immense relief.
Thank you, Conor.
I thought that was absolutely magnificent.
Um, it's going to take me a while to process.
Process all that.
And particularly the Pam solo.
The closest thing I can think of offhand to what that was like in my previous
experience was the time we took a piano ferry to France and it was horrific
weather conditions and there was just sick everywhere flowing out of the, the
bathrooms just all over the floor.
Everyone was being sick.
Yeah.
That's kind of what it felt like to me. But just
though they're sick everywhere. And then there's just more sick
and then you went to escape into another room and they're just
they're sick in there as well. You just just wait, you just
waiting for it to end. You're on holiday though. You're not
there. Yeah, true. Precious memories.