Who Are These Podcasts? - Ep504 - WATP and ROTC Live Crossover
Episode Date: March 23, 2024We did it, we’re doing it. We had a live show in Largo, FL last night. We talked about Brendan Schaub, Tom Myers, Queer Kid Stuff, Stuttering John, Opie, Ray DeVito, a crazy cop cam, and some other ...stuff, too. We were joined by Royce and Mersh, Vinnie Paulino, TopLobsta, Andy Q. Public, Jenny Jingles, Tookie, Cardiff Electric, Doctor Steve, Lucy Tightbox, Joey C, Monique from RG, and Andrea Brower. Thanks to everyone who came out, we had a blast with you all! Tickets to the Vegas shows May 31st – June 2nd – https://www.hackamania.com/ https://revengeofthecis.com/ https://www.youtube.com/@OnceOverwithCayley https://allapologiespodcast.com/ https://www.youtube.com/@cardiffelectric https://tookiesoup.com/ https://thecreepoff.com/ Support us, get bonus episodes, and watch live every Saturday and Wednesday: http://bit.ly/watp-patreon https://watp.supercast.tech/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
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Hello everyone.
I'm Dr. Steve and welcome to the first
live Weird medicine show.
Tonight will be a wonderland of fluids and secretions.
What's the difference between the DNA codons in herpes simplex and herpes varicella?
Fascinating.
And what's that growth on Cardiff's ass?
Is it possible to make a living puppet from Ray DeVito's sperm?
Sorry, I'm disoriented.
I'm old.
Sorry, sorry.
Let me start over.
Welcome to WATP Live from the Central Park Performance Center in Largo, Florida. Please welcome to the stage from who are these podcasts? Carl
Hamburger and producer Chris and from Revenge of the Sists Royce and Mersh.
Let's get ready to dabble! Jesus, I hope we're not going on crowd reaction.
Do it live!
Episode 504.
Are you a boner guy?
Oh, I was a boner guy.
You know what? I miss penis.
What are you talking about?
I'm the one who should apologize.
Is it gonna be absolutely riveting?
Is it gonna change your life by any stretch?
Probably not, but it's gonna be at least entertaining, okay?
By the way, for those people that are in the back,
remember to shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up, asswipe, and suck my cock. I've been dying to say that.
Cuz. Cuz-a-roo. Cuz-a-roo. Slapperoonie. It's showtime.
W-A-T-P! W-A-T-P!
Hello, Rubber Dixon customers, welcome to a special live episode of Who Are These?
Podcasts and Revenge of the Sis. I'm your host, Carl, with me today, the boys of ROTC.
Let's hear it for Royce and Mersh. Thank you. And producer Chris is here to look good for everyone.
Please go to whoartthese.com to get our email address,
voicemail number, link to our subreddit,
link to the Discord server, link to our merchandise,
link to our YouTube channel, and the link to Patreon
and Supercast featuring two exclusive bonus episodes
every single month.
And of course you can watch the show live
Wednesdays and Saturdays. Tickets are on can watch the show live Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Tickets are on sale for the next live event, Hackamania.
We'll be in Las Vegas at Hackamania,
May 31st through June 2nd, hackamania.com.
Also we encourage our listeners,
give us a five star review on Apple Podcasts
and then shit all over us in the comments section.
Today we'll be looking at Brendan Schaub,
Tom Myers, Queer Kid Stuff, Stuttering John, Opie, Ray DeVito, and more.
And to start things off, oh, backstage I mentioned
the first segment was Brendan Schaub,
and people were confused, like, Brendan's here?
No, no, no, no, look, Brendan, if you're here,
I'm sorry, don't hurt me, but if you're not,
you're so retarded.
Yeah.
Have you seen his record?
You could probably take him by now.
No, let's calm down.
You go first.
So I want to start off with Brendan Schaaf.
I want to bring out Vinnie Paulino
to join us on the stage.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Excelsior!
Excelsior!
Excelsior!
Excelsior!
Excelsior!
All right, so these guys were checking out Excelsior!
Alright, so these guys were checking out some recent episodes of what, the Golden Hour?
Yeah. The Golden Hour podcast, so we got Crystal Leo, we got that
Nothing Eric Griffin in the mix, and of course Brendan Schaab, and they're all just
such good buddies. I think we're going to find that that out today that's not fake at all they're good buddies and they love their wives they hang out together they
love their wives and they hang out at Dave and Buster's totally we definitely
learned that so Chris I want to start off with you you pulled a couple clips on
here yeah what did you pick up on from watching this morning zoo bullshit
earlier today and well let's just get warmed up with stuff
that's better than Halloween candy talk.
Let's just watch these guys interact
with my number one, please.
Two.
You wanna spitball some marketing ideas?
Let's spitball some ideas.
One thing we could do.
How about we rename the Vulcan the Father Ship?
The Father Ship's so genius, dude.
That's a great idea.
Boom. The Father Ship. Boom, Brandon, welcome. If you couldn't get into the Mother Ship, come over to the Father Ship. The father ship so genius dude, that's a great idea
Mothership come over to the father ship father ship right? Well that was my clip Carl, so you fucked this up already
Okay, can you can you how is that possible that I fucked this up? Can you please not pause it? I love their natural banter. You can tell their friends in real life and hang out
All right. Let me get over to producer Chris's
Clips here starting with this one. I apologize for that fuck up. Let's talk about this
What you relax, bro?
No, you're just like
God what?
Are you kidding? like in here and he's like, look, look, look, see. Well, God, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
What, are you kidding me?
You know, I know you're gay.
You don't grab a donut, you tear it apart and then put,
and then sprinkle it on like it's confetti
for all the other donuts.
Sprinkle it on, what do you mean?
Look, what are you doing?
No, eat half of it, bro, it's just fingers, man.
This is my finger, I just washed my hands and jerked off.
No.
God dang.
Rich was like, bring back some donuts if they don't eat all of them. I'm like
no thank you. Oh no on the way home. What'd you do for your... You know what
happened there? I'll tell you what happened. What happened? I felt like I had a
stroke. All of the... another one another one one all of this is so fake Yes, because probably backs they were hanging out of Dunkin Donuts
And he did he goes bro bro bro you got to do on the show
It'll be so fucking funny viewed on the show and people forget about all the allegations Chris D'Aulia
I think it's quirky. Oh, he's fuck 16 year old
Quirky you know
Yeah, and why does Chris D'Aulia like for a guy who doesn't drink or do drugs? He looks like me his sunglasses I think it's quirky how he fucks 16 year olds. Can we talk about that? It's weird, it's very quirky, you know, some say quirky.
And why does Chris D'Elia, like,
for a guy who doesn't drink or do drugs,
he looks like me, his sunglasses on.
Like, is he just hung over from all the sex-pesting?
Look, leave sober Pete Davidson alone.
He's doing the best he can.
I have an excuse, you know what I mean?
Let's keep it rolling.
Yeah, so my number two is going to set up my number three.
This is a flashback to Shab's and Brian Kellen's gig in Austin
that we already covered a couple of weeks ago.
Fightin' with the Kid Live to an exciting audience of 45 people.
Hell yeah.
In Austin.
I'll say NFL Super Bowl.
There's more athletes.
More money.
Yeah, it's not about money though, right?
That's not the question.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Oh, fucking, oh, are you spiritual and non-materialistic?
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Why don't you move to an ashram
and fucking contemplate the supreme self.
I'm burning him right now with spiritual jokes.
That's fucking, you know how hard that is?
Fucking sophisticated as shit.
What else we got?
You probably have to work harder.
Alright, so they're already taking questions from the audience about 15, 20 minutes into their act,
which they were completely unprepared for.
So let's go to number three.
I hate seeing crowd work dude. No me too
Organic it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, well you're in you're good at it if you're good at it
Oh, just something happens and it's like you boom, right, but they're looking for yeah, what's your name?
For living yeah, yeah that kind of shit sometimes it just happens it has to just happen They're looking for. Yeah, what's your name? Where you guys from? Where you do for a living? Yeah.
That kind of shit?
Sometimes it just happens.
It has to just happen.
That's what it originally was.
Agree, yes.
That, right, yeah.
And it just turned into a thing where it's like,
well, this is what we do.
Because people follow the trends.
Okay, guy who everybody says dude from Workaholics.
That they don't, hey, you're the guy from Workaholics, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What does he know?
Is he a standup for real?
This guy knows what I'm talking about, right? Yeah.
Are you under, are you over 16?
Hey, anyone married?
I think that something's a trend because whoever made it trendy did it really great.
And then everybody else sees that and they go, whoa!
Eric, he's a fucking idiot because he is a stand-up.
The reason why people do this is they don't burn their material.
That's why they put all the stupid clips on Instagram reels and tik-tok of crowd work
Did that mentally retarded Brendan just say Matt Reif invented crowd? Yes
It's never even been attempted before
I know it's a long clip but listening to these guys break down comedy is funnier than their comedy
Because one they don't respect what that really is that's why everybody thinks they super talent
Yeah, you know I mean, that's what I think they could do that. Oh, this is bad rights of super talent
I love when Brendan just throw shit in there like like he's just trying to prove he's in the conference
Yeah, totally B.
Yeah, yeah.
Super talented, papa.
Oh, he's with our powers, I guess I can too.
Also, the reason why he's good
is because he makes it look easy.
That, and so people think like, oh, I'm funny.
Yeah, I get it.
Yeah, right?
Yeah, that's how that works.
Brendan just grunts, he just grunts in between words.
It's super fucking weird.
He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's like, oh, yeah
This is an imposter syndrome. I'm actually a comedian. I swear to God
I totally belong here All the other podcasts about to my favorite thing Brendan does is when he just starts to say the thing the other person's saying
Over them. Yes. Yeah, you're like, yeah, I was driving this so you're driving this story
Can I tell the story yeah,, tell stories. Jesus dude, relax.
Number four here caught my attention. Shob flexing in a different way. Yeah, and this is
Eric Griffin leading the conversation, which is never good. Yeah, yeah, it went viral everywhere.
Glad I'm not in it, racist. Yeah, I'm well, not me. There you go. I was not part of that. I like
Atlanta. I don't see color. I went there, of that. I like Atlanta. I don't even see color.
I went there, I went, my people.
People that say they don't see color are racist.
That's idiotic, yeah.
Are racist.
Well, they're racist.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah.
I can't stand that.
Yeah.
What do you see?
People don't really actually say that anymore, though.
Come on.
Callan does jokingly, that's where I got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They say it still.
It's just so- That's so stupid. It's no real- But get Yeah. Yeah. They say it still it's just so that's so stupid
It's no real but get to your point. He's repeating Cal and yeah
He lifted from Cal and yeah, I'm doing his bit
What do you mean what a cop you don't see the differences in people is what you're saying that'd be like I don't see height
Yeah, that's what you would be the same. That's so stupid. It's okay to somebody really little I would still
Add it to your special flush that one out
Alright, yeah, the dumbest argument ever the whole point of colorblinds that you judge people based on who they are and have the color
The skin it's not that you actually don't know what skin color they have. I know
Yeah, like Brendan's a white retarded as Mexican accent
By the way if Eric Eric Griffin, you will eventually
watch this show, I aggressively see color everywhere.
I point it out, I'm very vocal about it, I never relax.
When I'm on the highway, I use the N-word liberally,
it doesn't matter what you are, you're getting it.
You're getting it.
Equal opportunity right there.
Separate but equal opportunity, yes.
Separate but equal.
I still think that could work.
You got one more clip on here, Chris?
Yeah, I got to turn it over to Vinny.
OK.
Well, I got some bad news for everybody.
Brendan had a bad week, guys.
And it was a real bad week and it was also his birthday week, which is really kind of depressing.
Happy birthday, papa. So what I did was I watched the last three days of Brendan Schaub releases
podcasting and it just kind of went downhill and it's a wild ride that I would like to take you folks on.
So what they were talking about,
that first clip that Carl played,
was they were spit balling about their live show
that they had coming up in Austin.
Now we just saw a clip from another live show
that was terrible, but there's another one coming up,
you guys, and they are spit balling
on how to make it better than the first one. So now that you understand what the fuck they were talking about, play
it again.
To spitball some marketing ideas. One thing we could do about we rename the Vulcan the
father ship. The father ship so genius dude. That's a great idea. Boom. The father ship. Boom. Brandon, you're welcome. If you couldn't get into the mother ship, come over to the father ship.
Father ship.
Right?
Now, here's the thing, folks.
If you follow stand-up comedy, Joe Rogan opened up
a very famous comedy club in Austin, Texas.
But there used to be a place before Joe Rogan
opened called Vulcan.
That's where the shitty comics are now.
Oh.
Not trying to be terrible.
But the people who can't get into the mothership go and play the Vulcan.
And so they're trying to now associate that
with Joe Rogan's club to feel a little bit more successful.
But they're such good friends though.
You would think he's on the show all the time.
Yeah, what's insane about this,
maybe you know this because you work at a comedy club.
People don't go to a comedy club
because of the name of the club.
They go because of who's performing there. Yeah. Correct. Never once have I been like,
yeah I know Bill Burr's playing at that place, I don't like the name of the
theater though, so I'm not gonna see that. There's a reason why like Doug Stanhope
will do Dave's wing house if it'll fit 700 people in it. He's like, fuck it, just give me the whole door.
Exactly correct, but these guys are full of ideas to not have the same mistake like they had at the last one
What was the mistake having a show correct?
Listen if watching AEW has taught me anything booking the same town after a very not successful show is always a good strategy
You'll always get a bigger audience
It's also good to peak at podcasting and then after five years of decline start doing live shows always a smart idea
So Rogan does like the whole alien vibe we do
Hit me up stay with me. I'm with you. We do like the whole like a gym. No the whole no
That's that's the space is wrong spaces. We go Egyptian
King Tut King fucking time dressing brown face and we put gold. Yes, King Tut. King fucking Tut? You're dressing brown face, and we put gold on.
Yes, and then it's controversial.
And I'm already brown.
Can I tell you one more thing?
Oh no, I'm King Tut.
I ride you because you look like a camel, right?
Yeah, yeah.
So I ride you like your baby old camel.
I look like a camel?
Yeah, you've got the same face as Jay-Z.
Really?
Jay-Z?
I'm starting to think he really doesn't see color
if he thinks he looks like Jay-Z.
Yeah. If this was me and Royce, we'd just be sandbagging each other. I'm starting to think he really doesn't see color if he thinks he looks like Jay-Z
If this was me and Royce we'd just be sandbagging each other
Egyptian camel are you doing a bit right? That's retarded. Are you like stop doing a bit? You mean like King Tut like Steve Martin? What are you stupid?
Well, they actually kind of sold me when they told me they were gonna do it a proud face
I would love to see these two idiots do that. Yes
So Brian Kellen is the hardest working man in podcasting.
We can all agree on that.
Oh yeah.
He's trying to make this conversation interesting.
I mean, he can't, there's no way.
Maybe if Brendan had Brownface,
his fucking Mexican jokes would have gone over better.
Makes sense.
I will say Kalin has shockingly skinny legs
for a guy who carries all the shows he's on.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna go and call my shot right now and say let's not blow Brian too much.
No, it's just next clip.
Oh boy.
You guys are the same kid, yeah?
Really?
Okay, so wait, so wait.
Then what we should do is we should duct tape ourselves to the side of a truck and then
with a sign that says, you guys stuck, you guys stuck in your life, unstuck yourself with some comedy.
I don't know, I'm spit balling, not good ideas.
Nope, not good ideas, Brian.
Not a great idea.
Wow.
See, this guy knows what I'm talking about, huh?
I would love it if they would duct tape themselves
to the side of a truck that Shob was driving.
I watched my mother die in 2007.
This was worse.
So these guys are so excited about this show at Austin.
They talk about it at the beginning of their show.
And then they do a regular show about UFC.
It's boring and terrible.
But I'm going to jump back to the show
we were just watching, because they released an episode
about 12 hours after that.
And I'm gonna tell you something,
Brendan's birthday just happened
and Eric Griffin has to go to bat
for Brendan with Chris D'Aulio.
Wait till you see this guys.
Okay, I wanna say something.
What man?
You missed a fantastic surprise birthday party for Brendan.
You know, but I wanna tell you this.
Bad friend. So, that's right. You know? But I want to tell you this.
You're a bad friend.
So.
Uh oh.
Shut the fuck up, Brendan!
Let people talk for like five minutes.
This is a surprise party.
This is a surprise party.
Don't tell him.
Party missy, missy party.
Please stop sandbagging me, please.
You miss a party?
This is a missy party, party missy.
Please stop talking over me.
Dude, his buddy, his pal who co-wrote the show,
did not go to his surprise birthday party.
And it gets sadder than that.
Next clip.
Kristen said, your wife reached out to Kristen
and said, I want to make sure Chris can be in town.
My wife messed it up, gave her the wrong dates.
Said he's going to be in town. She said said what if we do it on a Thursday or something?
What was it on Thursday? Yeah, there's a guy who's a guess should work out
Did not she didn't know you did not know I was on the road and and it is I don't want to throw her
under the bus, but
That that's because that's because the Leoni goes to birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese.
So he was confused about the venue.
After all of the forgiving for all of the rapes.
Alleged.
Well, whatever.
Who cares?
Right under the bus.
I love that clip so much.
I would say, oh, it's not my wife's fault.
It's the 16-year-old who keeps my schedule. She can't read yet, but she's hot. She's Jeff Ross's old one.
So here's the thing though. I don't think Chris meant to let this part slip, but I think
maybe he could have made it after all. Listen this is this bad news this is at least he Chris has a good excuse okay
oh okay oh wait I'm sorry daddy has to work number six thank you sorry you're
two fives my bad I got it hey daddy has to work whoops you did send me a nice
video right then I sent you a video.
Right to camera.
Kristen?
You fucked us.
No, but we actually broke.
You ruined my birthday.
I know we felt so bad though.
No, it's all good.
I know, but I feel bad,
because I could have made it work.
I could have made it work,
and I chose not to,
and it was my dumb wife's fault anyway.
They literally scared Theo Vaughn out to Nashville.
Yes, they did.
Do you understand that's how bad they were like,
man, I'm out of this shit.
Fuck this shit.
This is getting real bad.
This segment should have been nine seconds long.
It should have been, you missed my surprise party.
Yeah, well, I don't like surprises.
Yeah.
Not a fan.
No, you missed my surprise party.
What are you, gay?
Yeah, right.
Surprise party? Were you 12? That's a good point. What are you gay? surprise party 12
Why is he having a surprise party in their 40s?
Hey guys, wait to hear about the cool things that happened at his party check out my
Myclip number seven Carl cool party Eric Griffin tells a great story
His new tax guy or his
Whatever financial guy his financial guy decided to give a speech Jan It better be a piñata involved. His new tax guy, or his, whatever he does. Financial guy?
His financial guy decided to give a speech.
Jan, he's 74 though.
Listen, listen, he's still giving the speech.
Wow.
It was long.
Chris, it was really long.
Oh wow.
So it was pretty, it wasn't,
so does Eric just do like black uncle at a cookout jokes now?
Yes.
It's still going on.
Give me some of them ribs.
Eric Griffin's just turned into that like, you know,
onk that got out of prison and he's like,
watch out there now.
Don't get caught up in that mess.
Terrible little loop-port.
He got a bolt school.
It was a eulogy.
Everyone's talking, he's going ding ding ding.
I'm like, no.
He's 42 now. Yeah. Oh, he really is. No, no, no, no, eulogy. Everyone's talking, he's going ding ding ding. I'm like, no. He's 42 now.
Yeah.
Oh, he really is.
No, no, no, no, no.
You've been talking too long.
All right.
Did you notice him just not get the joke?
It's great.
But none of us have.
None of us have had any jokes on that screen.
From here, we have.
So I just find it really amazing
that the only people who came and did a speech at his party
was this 74 year old employee
Financial guy who's still probably talking to a room so I can imagine he's set for life
I'm sure that his finances are in great shape. He probably cornered him to him was like you'll give a speech be
I did the same thing with dr. Steve tonight, so I get it
So who the fuck invites their accountant to their birthday party?
I don't know, who invites a child rapist to their birthday party?
I guess the guest list wasn't, you know, his bench isn't that deep.
George Clooney, Weinstein.
Logan's not coming.
He's 42 now. He was, it was like, I was like, it went so long, we were kind of like, okay, well he's
telling the whole story.
Like.
Yeah, good one, Eric.
So.
There were no laughs.
What do you mean?
None.
We were like, what?
So he's got his account there
I imagine his landscaper is probably there. I think his pool guy. This is a terrible birthday party and
He his best friend didn't come so I want to keep going with this
Because it turns out that when we go back to the fighter the kid they drop an episode the very next day
And there's a little bit more information about things that came out at the birthday party. You should pull up Nick Cannon and
comment it on Chris on the video. I'm sorry buddy. It's not his fault all these
videos are so boring they're really hard to keep them in order. They all just kind of blur
together. Yeah I agree I agree I had had to watch these all in entirety today and I fucking hate Carl for the rest of my life now. I deserve that. So here's the thing.
Number five, they were so excited about their show they're gonna tape themselves
to trucks put on brown face. Bad news for Brandon everybody. You gotta go Vancouver and then I
remind you yesterday I'm like well remember BoBlo we got to go to Vancouver and then I remind you yesterday, I'm like, well, remember, Bo,
we got to be in Austin on Friday.
That's right.
That's not happening.
And I don't.
So this is I just assumed, you know, no, this is a very, I just assumed you were, you were
just down for the cost.
So this is a very good, this is a very good segue because, you know, I, I make a lot of plans and what what you have to
understand is that I keep my personal life and my entertainment life very
separate on social media and stuff like that I don't like showing my family and
stuff like that I'm comedian you do some though sometimes but um it's not that I
I like to protect their privacy right and? And so, um. Okay, weird start.
I'm not doing the show.
I need to protect my family's privacy.
Sure.
Okay, so the show's canceled, it's not happening.
Aw.
Aw.
Babbit.
Here's why, surprise number nine, Carl.
Okay.
And she couldn't be more pregnant.
Like she couldn't be, pregnant like she couldn't be the baby is literally hanging
Could you never even with you and I remember we're like brother? Yeah, dude
She came to the dinner and I was like you're so pregnant
She's like Brandon tell him like I found out like three days ago. You were having this is
His other best buddy doesn't tell him that they're having a baby
Nine months pregnant. She's so pregnant and he just found out
They do not talk to each other off there. There's no fucking way. These guys are friends
So his other buddy doesn't come to his party and then he finds out his other guy
Who's like his brother's wife is pregnant and he has no fucking clue
So I just wanted to point out Brandon's having a bad week and he sucks
Well, I'll tell you where Brian Callan wasn't on the set of the Goldbergs anymore
This would be like if I showed up to do ROTC one day and Royce just was holding a baby
Jesus Christ there you could text a guy
Yeah, I did have one more clip of Brendan just ruining a bit and dragging the golden
hour to a halt.
Do you guys want to see that?
All right.
All right.
It's called Good One, Brendan.
What they're talking about.
So just so you know, it's that Atlanta video that Delia made that was all about there's
so many black people in Atlanta.
And it was a little weird.
And what's his name with the million kids?
Nick Cannon commented on it. And they're discussing Nick Cannon's comment
Watch what a comedic genius Brendan is you're gonna love it. You should pull up Nick Cannon commented on Chris on the video
Yeah, wait till he goes to Africa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I agree wait till I go
I'm gonna go and I feel like I'm gonna show the commented back. You're half the problem. Why does so many black people?
You and Tyler Perry.
No, no, no. Nick Cannon has 100 kids.
Oh, my God.
What? Hold on.
He does have so many kids.
What did the Tyler Perry thing even fucking mean?
He was just standing black people.
He's retarded.
No, no, I know.
I am aware he's mentally retarded.
But what, Tyler Perry's also black.
Is that the joke?
Yes.
I have to watch this again.
Hold on.
I have to see this again.
He's also a black guy.
So many black people.
You and Tyler Perry.
No, no, Nick Cannon has 100 kids.
Oh my god.
Yeah. Why are you laughing? He does have so many kids.
Do you see Brendan did that thing again? He goes yeah he does have so many kids.
You're right. Cresselia just told him. Yup that's right.
I just want to say I take exception with the fact that you intro this clip by saying taking the Golden Hour to a screeching halt as if they were on a roll.
As if they were chug roll. As if they were
chugging along and oh Brendan ruined it. Well good point but I really did enjoy
watching the both whip their heads on and go no stupid. Wrong black person. Wrong
black person. So yeah those are my clips this show's terrible. Great stuff thank
you for the update on Brendan's job. I like your scientific ending. In summary
this show is terrible.
See you guys later. No, you're still up here buddy. You're not going anywhere. Speaking. Nice try.
Speaking of terrible, terrible shows. You know, it's no different than, you know, police officer
running to the scene of a crime or a firefighter running into a burning building. It's what I do.
And that's why I was trying to leave.
I know you can't get away from Tom Myers.
I want to torture you.
Mr. Paulina was a Tom Myers.
Are you guys familiar with our buddy Tom?
I love his biting political.
Yeah, actually not.
So this will be fresh for me.
Oh, this is fantastic.
So Tom does a political show.
Tom Myers versus the rest of the world.
And what he likes to start off with is a monologue.
He thinks he's Bill Maher.
Ooh, I'm excited.
Yeah, so he writes jokes every week.
He has a new monologue to go.
And we love to break down each joke one by one,
starting with this biting commentary
on Marjorie Taylor Greene.
It's an invite and gave a state of the union address.
It was an exciting event with lots of fanfare
complete with Marjorie Taylor green
Dressing like one of those people at sporting events with a t-shirt gun. It accidentally turned it on herself
Can I point out something that the fuck was that you didn't get it
Can I point out the fact that like I I can't get over now? Because Carl pointed out when we were a guest on your show
that he forces the other people to laugh.
And I can't unhear it now.
It's my favorite part of his jokes.
If you'll notice here, I'm going to play this again.
Can he turn a regular gun on himself instead?
You're going to notice here that one of the co-hosts
starts laughing before the punch line, because they don't know what the punchline is
They just wait for the pause. There's no way to tell
With a t-shirt gun it accidentally turned it on herself
No, no, no, no the joke she's dressed like a t-shirt guns person that no just say she got hit with a t-shirt gun
It's a little shitty joke. Yeah, right
All right, well you just don't know monologues Royce
Don't worry guys it gets better
Republicans were collectively emasculated during the speech
between the expressions on speaker Mike Johnson's face and Alabama
Senator Katie Britt's affect on the Republican Party's response. The two of
them together might make the perfect couple you would meet at a swingers
party. Specifically they would be the last two faces you see before the drugs kick in and you lose consciousness.
This guy has no idea what a swingers party is.
I think that's rape.
Yeah, that's not what a swingers party is.
Everyone goes to a swingers party expecting to fuck other people.
You don't have to drug them.
You don't go into rape people.
No.
I came to the swingers party and now I'm getting fucked.
What happened? So he just doesn't look like a rapist, huh? people know I came to the party and I'm getting fucked what happened so he
doesn't he just doesn't look like a rapist huh he lives the gimmick so so
is Tom Myers basically what people from NPR fall asleep to it's actually what I
used to drug people at David did you have to pull these clips no fucking no
I was gonna say do you want to talk later? Like, do you need help?
A little bit.
Trucker Andy pulled these clips for us.
Thanks Andy.
We appreciate it.
RIP.
RIP.
All right.
Guys, you're gonna love this next joke.
We're still talking about the State of the Union address.
During Biden's speech, Mike Johnson's facial expressions
look like those of the pet in the shelter
that no one adopts and
knows it's gonna be euthanized the following day. It's the same joke structure!
Also, I just want to point out if you're trying to get a laugh out of people, killing
puppies is probably not a great punch line. That kind of like sucks. People don't like that.
So far his jokes are rape and killing animals. Correct.
Yeah, good stuff, huh?
T-shirt guns, am I right, folks?
That was actually a good joke compared to these.
Woo!
All right, well, Katie Britt, of course,
was the one who responded to the big speech by Joseph.
And so he's going to go after her.
In her response to the State of the Union,
Alabama Senator Katie Britt delivered it from her kitchen
which made it extra awkward.
As she looked about as familiar with that kitchen,
as much as a nun is familiar with a butt plug.
Ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
I just wanna point out, it wasn't a cooking show.
She was just sitting in her kitchen
and delivering a speech. How many watches just me it's just Carl Carl and
Nick Mullen watching him ironically oh my god yeah it's not good it's not good
at all all right let's keep these jokes going about.
By the way, he also really is trying to do the Bill Maher
voice.
You hear it.
You hear it.
Yeah, and he's like, he's paint by numbers.
Like he's got the whole being A, B, C monologues.
Yeah, but wrong.
Completely wrong.
New rule, OK?
This guy's a faggot.
I've always said about Tom Myers,
if you didn't speak English,
you would think he was a standup comic
when he does standup.
He delivers it like he's telling jokes.
You know, if you didn't know, you'd be like,
I guess that was a joke.
It sounded like a punch line.
Yeah, he could be speaking Russian
and you'd be like, are you doing a monologue right now?
You're doing an opening night show monologue.
You should see his crowd work, it's so natural.
All right, here's some more on Katie Britt. Katie Britt delivered the response to the state of the
union with all the body language of the lady who reads the news on North Korean state TV.
Is all of the body language even a phrase? What does that mean?
All of the body language of?
What?
No, honestly.
Does he think just forcing people to laugh at him
is gonna like gaslight us all and make us funny?
Yes!
That's what he thinks.
I'm sorry, I get so fucking angry at time liars.
Do you mean him sandbagging each other all the time
because iron sharpens iron.
It does.
This is fucking.
You'd be like, that sucked, dude.
I don't know.
It's not his fault.
It's the people laughing at him.
It's their fault for not telling this guy
how terrible he is.
When this show first started off,
he had the co-hosts, he forced them to listen to him,
and he would do his monologue,
and it was weird and awkward because of his silence.
So I think he coached them and said,
guys, you gotta give me something.
You gotta pick the energy up.
Yeah, right. So that was that. Well, Tom said, guys, you gotta give me something. You gotta pick the energy up. Yeah, right.
So that was that.
Well, Tom Myers loved his monologues
and late night shit so much,
he should just get a warmup guy.
He looks like he should be doing magic with Penn Jillette.
All right.
I would love to see them attempt the magic bullet trick.
Yeah.
All right, let's keep it going here, Tommy.
Judging from that speech, in retrospect, Katie Britt might have been the inspiration for the
Alabama court ruling banning in vitro fertilization.
Fertilization?
This sounds like a mental hospital.
What?
These people hit themselves in the head with bricks and then giggle at it.
I hate this place. Nothing works here. I've been here for seven years.
The Medicaid doesn't work.
They should be in a poker game with Junior Soprano.
I'm an admiral out of shit.
That's fucking great.
That's so stupid.
Alright, guys, I know we're saying that he's not a good comic, but don't worry, the jokes get better.
Since we were last on, CPAC had their annual convention. I'm sure some of you know that he's not a good comic but don't worry, the jokes get better.
Since we were last on, CPAC had
their annual convention. One of
the speakers there said to look
out for dangerous liberal
organizations and specifically
cited AARP. Uh the AARP,
dangerous liberals? Really? AARP is retired people, conservatives, that's your target demographic.
Wait what? That's just a point. What was the joke? He just made a point. Did he point a gun at them to make them laugh?
I want to point out, they hear that inflection, you're target demographic, and they go, oh I guess that was the punchline.
That's the punchline, he went up at the end,'s how you know. Dude like I understand why people still pretend like Howard Stern's funny you know
when he's like when they work for him you know because you actually get paid but there's three
people watching this. What are you doing this for? This is weird. All right so this starts a bunch
of jokes about the AARP stuff. The only time retired people are dangerous is when they get out of the bathtub.
When they get out of the bathtub.
I don't see you guys laughing.
Yeah, did you hear that?
Oh, that was, I thought the clip was still going.
Oh, all right, well yeah, let's see what he's got next here.
We just lost the senior audience, that's fine though.
That's the other thing, he's such a bad boy that he offends people it's like well
I guess all the seniors are tuning out now, huh, that was pretty rough. I I I drove two hours to be here
I know an Andrew Brower hit traffic. I know I'm sorry I went to the wrong hotel three times
All right this joke you guys please listen this explain to me how this is even a joke
I do not understand this what about January 6th you might say well. They aren't retired the correct term is unemployed
The correct term is unemployed. Blech.
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe heee.
is the right reaction for once. if I ever see you, I'm going to kill you. You know what?
There's a guy standing over the front row
who probably actually could kill him.
Dr. Steve, remember that?
That is an actionable statement.
Listen, guys, my flight goes through Baltimore
on the way back. I will find him for this.
Steve, can you get us fentanyl?
It's for something else. It's my back pain.
Just give me the patches.
I'll chew on them.
Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
All right.
I have to say, this next joke I think is his best joke.
It's actually a joke.
Predictable, but it's actually a joke.
Mitch McConnell announced he would step down
as the leader of the Senate Republicans at the end of the year. He followed that up with...
Those two were so confused when he went silent and he was sitting there going,
come on, come on! They're like, there's no inflection.
Are we supposed to laugh?
I can't tell.
He should have applause signs in each individual house
of these co-hosts.
Oh my god.
And also, you can't have your co-hosts
have better mic quality than that.
They're talking through like webcams.
No, yeah, they're still doing the Zoom thing.
Oh, they're so good.
On their computer, their laptops.
Who are his co-hosts? Well, Jeff so good on their computer their laptop his co-host
Well, Jeff Heisen is our favorite one of his co-hosts, you know, yeah, Jeff Heisen is this guy who's in his late seventies
He's an attorney, but he does some stand-up on the side
He was speaking at Brendan Shroff's birthday
So the count I forgot I
One more clip from this monologue and then we'll wrap things up
Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema has announced that she will not run for reelection to her seat
It's no big loss as she's buddied up to conservatives so much that Trump supporters considered using her as a substitute
for Marjorie Taylor Greene in her fantasies
inner fantasies.
The fuck does that mean?
Two Marjorie Taylor green jokes in the model.
Oh, yeah.
Don't worry, Tom. You're off the hook. I'm going to kill myself.
You're safe. So about that fentanyl, Steve.
We still need it.
All right.
Well, that's what Tom Byers is up to. Vinny's going to
be back up. He's got an amazing cop cam video for us later in the show. Vinny, thank you
so much, buddy. Thank you for excusing me. Bye everybody. Don't take the easy way out
at this time. At this time, I want to bring up a guy who has not been on WATP before from Tower Gang,
Top Lobster.
I've been on Tower Gang before.
Top Lobster is going to join us on the stage.
Top, come on out.
This man is one of the best Twitter follows in history.
Now that he's out here I I can say it, race war!
What's up guys?
Top, thanks for joining us buddy.
So I was talking to him before the show and I just kind of sprung this on him when he got here.
And I said, yeah, we're going to do this segment with us.
Have you ever heard of queer kid stuff?
And he said, no.
I'm very excited about that.
I've never heard of it. Very't even I was just delivering t-shirts
I know he's like segment two by the way RTC shirts still available. Yes
Fantastic merch available after the show. So as you guys know, I've talked about this
The host of queer kids stuff is this well, she was a woman now
she's buying a non-binary names Lindsey she did a woman, now she's non-binary, named Lindsay. She did a Ted Talk
four years ago. And you know what's going to be a good Ted Talk when you open it up
with a song. I see this all the time. Yucca Lady!
Let's get this kicked off.
It's okay to be gay. We are different in many ways. Doesn't matter if you're a boy, girl, or somewhere in between.
We all are part of one big family.
Gay means happy.
Queer kids stuff.
You are enough here at queer kids stuff
I swear pedophiles are bored knowing how to play the ukulele yeah it's
unbelievable yeah as somebody who really hates gay people that song fucking slap
if you're gonna sit there and say like she had swag she had rhythm and with the
ukulele too and you guys I don't know how you're gonna take this but it looks
like you're about to hate on her first off great musicality just gotta say yeah
there was that diminished chord she did when she went up the scale that was very
impressive it was great yeah I like the longer version of the song where it's
like gay means happy and 45% more likely to molest a kid. I thought you were
gonna say 40% more likely to kill myself but that's transgender. It was too wordy, it was
too wordy for a TED Talk. All right so on this TED Talk she explains the show that she does,
queer kid stuff, and she gives you an idea of who she's doing this for. Opening a performance with lyrics like it's okay to be gay for a room full of adults,
is one thing, but it's entirely different
for a room full of kindergartners.
What you do-
Yeah! That's the fucking point!
That's why people are angry at you.
First off, the other thing that's got up in the scale
is her. That's an old video of hers.
We've been covering her for like seven years.
Six years, seven years?
Now she's being artificially pushed,
and I don't, well, I know why.
And you know what the best part is?
She's in the YouTube kids algorithm.
Yes.
So it comes on after, you know, whatever, like, you know.
I was looking, she has a Wikipedia page I found today.
Oh yeah.
It goes from baby shark to Linz real quick.
That is some, I thought that you were joking
about the Jewish stuff,
but that really is some Jewish shit right there.
We got to get them while they're young.
The next video is going to be her.
How did that get on my board?
That's weird.
Why would I want that on there?
Yeah, apparently she had a lawsuit against YouTube for suppressing her show and the algorithm.
Oh, what a lying bitch.
I know. Covered this stupid bitch and they were not suppressing her show and the algorithm. Oh, what a lying bitch. I know.
Covered this stupid bitch, and they
were not suppressing her.
No one watched it.
Nobody cared.
That's the problem.
Now they're pushing it because she's a victim.
Let's find out what she's talking about here.
Just heard it's a theme song for my web series, Queer Kids
Stuff, where I make LGBTQ plus and social justice videos
for all ages.
And when I say all ages,
I mean literal babies to your great, great grandma.
Listen, I get it.
You were molested.
All right.
A lot of us were, but keep it to yourself.
Imagine after like 40 years and you're like,
your grandma's like, I was watching some videos
and I think I'm gay.
If you say grandma, you're 70.
You mean, do you think you're gay now?
Wow.
She just said she's teaching literal babies
about bisexuality.
Why would you need to do that?
Wow, somebody hates bisexual babies, canceled.
Think of Crystal Lea.
What would he do?
Good point, you're right about this. So she follows that up with the old I know what you're thinking.
Now I know what you're thinking. Whoa they're talking about gay stuff with kids.
But talking to kids about gay stuff is actually crucial. The American Academy
of Pediatrics has found that children have a solid understanding of their gender identity by the age of four.
No! They know that they're a boy or girl by one! Are you kidding me?
They know that one before they're four and then you confuse them into not being sure about it anymore.
What the fuck?
I love that the entire premise of this was that she's in it at a TED talk and she goes now
I know what you're thinking gay sex for kids. That's crazy
You're at a TED talk. It's far for the courts. How does she know that I was thinking about anal sex?
All right, so let's find out what she's teaching to people of all ages here
I encourage children to think about their own pronouns and to ask others for theirs
Okay, so she wants to encourage children to learn about their pronouns and ask people for their pronouns
So I went and found a video that she created that she's talking about this Ted talk all about pronouns
So, let's see what they're talking about with her teddy bear teddy or best dude. We believe
with her teddy bear Teddy, her best friend. Ah, dude.
We both.
Teddy, Teddy.
Baby shark.
Da da da da da da.
Baby shark.
Da.
Ha ha ha.
Teddy is being held hostage.
Really?
You really believe it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we had a campaign a few years ago to rescue Teddy.
Yeah, we did.
We wanted to make it like the he will not divide us.
Like go get us that teddy bear, like the flag.
Lindsay?
Yes, Teddy?
You're a girl, right? That's right. Why do you ask? Well you have short hair and you're wearing a tie. That bear looks maddy down. I thought only boys have short hair and wear ties. You make a really good point Teddy but just because you're a girl doesn't mean I can't wear those things too or anything else that I want to wear. I like that she says you make a really good point. You know you're kind of
dressed like a dude. You realize that's a good point Teddy. You bring up a good point there.
I love your interview with Putin.
Alright so this is Teddy's follow-up question, which I think is pretty stupid if you ask me.
Well, he's a bear.
That's a good point.
A molested bear.
For real. I mean, look at, he looks like he's been matted down with pussy juices. Like she's just like, when she's angry.
Look at him. All right, you could say that, but look.
Waka waka. What's up?
He's been in the washing machine a couple of times.
That smell's not coming out.
On hot.
Next question.
On running on very hot.
Girls can have short hair or long hair or wear tiaras or bow ties.
You can wear whatever you want no matter if you're a boy or a girl
She just said you could wear whatever the fuck you want
Right Lindsay you can wear whatever you want not in this house though
in this house though. He is a brown bear so like. You can wear whatever you want when you're 18. If it was a white bear I'd be like come on. So this is my favorite clip from this show. This is hilarious. Some people are boys, some people are girls, and some people are people. Some people are people. Well, we're ruining a lot here, aren't we?
Some people are people.
I would say, like, if you're gonna go scientific, right,
not all people are boys, but all boys are people.
Like, if we're gonna go with that approach,
I feel like your logic is lacking, Lindsay.
Some people are people.
Some people.
Teddy's getting a little bit confused now,
because that's getting weird,
so let's get a follow-up question.
What if there are three-fifths of people?
Some people are people, except you, Lindsay.
You're kindling.
But all of this is a little confusing.
If there are boys and girls and people
and all of them can wear ties and dresses,
then how can I tell who is what gender?
That's actually really easy, Teddy.
No, it's definitely not.
Great fucking question.
You know, you know, you know,
Linda's mom uses this photo of her with long hair
to show her grandma with Alzheimer's.
No, she's normal.
Look, she's no, come pretty, she is.
She grew it out, you were right.
It was just a roommate
Teddy's like what if we just eliminate all the people who are muttering the waters
We can't do that Teddy the laws
Crimes and such I do enjoy the fact that the one thing that's difficult to do is knowing someone's gender She goes well, that's the easy part like oh
I should tune into this because that's where I'm confused
So this is the final clip I have from this episode where we learn about Teddy's pronouns what's your pronoun Teddy? I don't feel like a she or a he.
Did Teddy just look down at his missing dick? Yeah. I don't feel like a he. Is that what I just saw? Like, yeah, I get it. That makes sense.
So I guess my pronoun is they. That's really awesome, Teddy.
Wow, you're both they them.
What a coincidence.
Yeah.
What are the chances of that?
It's almost like the adult groomed the bear.
Isn't it?
Yeah, it's statistically unlikely that both of you
are they them, yet here we are. Yeah
Lindsay is just a childless single mom like this is exactly what they do too
You know what I mean? You're gonna be they them because that we're gonna get on TLC
I will just say to be serious here
I don't know if you guys have kids, but if she said it to my kid I punch her in the face
Like like like like a man
No, that's because you're Puerto Rican.
I was gonna say, he's a Puerto Rican from New York.
I would expect nothing less than you showing up
to the school with a Newport hanging out of your mouth
being like, yo, who the fuck talking about,
like, dead ass dog?
Dead ass dog?
Who is the T?
What's his name, homie?
Top second off his bubble coat.
I'll fuck you up.
I was actually watering it down because of the inclination
in my head went stab.
But I said, I'll say punch, stab.
He doesn't want to be a stereotype.
Yeah.
You know, man?
Good for you.
Florida's changed you, bro.
Good for you, Top.
Top Lobster shows up to the school with a tire iron
in his hand that he brought from work, directly from work.
What's up, dog?
All right, guys, I have a special treat for us.
This was produced for this show by Cardiff Electric and Tukey,
who will both be out here in a little bit.
We have a brand new show for you.
Straight kid stuff.
I think we're going to quarter the market with this.
["Straight Kid Stuff"]
It's OK to be straight, even though it would be cooler if you were gay.
It doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl, that's it.
We all know being straight feels like shit.
Straight kid stuff, straight is great.
Straight kid stuff, straight is great. Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff!
Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray Kids Stuff! Stray like they have a place to fit in. We might not be normal, but we want you to feel like it. Straight Kid Stuff, a safe place for all straights,
except Italians.
Hey guys, this is to Kid Stuff.
Whenever I go to the gym, I hear all these guys
talking about smashing puss.
What does that mean?
And what does it feel like?
Whoa, that is a fantastic question, KC.
What is smashing puss?
Well, it's different than what you're used to smashing.
I would say it's like smashing an asshole with curtains.
Very accurate, Tukey.
I would say that's the right answer.
Now, KC, you also want to know
what it feels like to smash puss
Well, let's say you take a room-temperature piece of liver and you shove your dick in
Smashing puss feels like
Do we have any other questions Tookey?
Of course there are tons of more questions
Stray kids stuff you're never enough
Stray Kids Stuff, you're never enough. Dear Stray Kids Stuff, it's TR Annie again and I just wanted to say that I feel so bad
for kids like you that don't get to choose their own gender.
It is tragic being a cis normie.
Oh, and by the way, it's painfully obvious that the transgenders are the next evolution
of the species, so it's time to get moving along with our agenda.
Cha cha.
Oh, right, Africa, I do actually have a question
for you this week.
How do the straight kids feel knowing that now
that the new Pfizer vaccine is out,
all the straight kids are gonna be a thing of the past?
Thanks, Annie, that's a great question.
We all know it's harder and harder
for straight kids in the world.
I mean, heck, you can't even go to Target and buy stray kid clothes anymore.
And kids all over the world are confused.
Just like you are, Annie, I'm sure you've seen tons of vertical screens in your life,
and that's why you chose to record your question in a vertical manner.
But in the real world, we record things in landscape mode.
But since you're a hot chick and I really want to smash that foot,
we'll let it slide this time.
But getting back to your question about the vaccine,
one vaccine that straight kids don't need is the AIDS vaccine,
because we have natural immunity.
And the one vaccine they should get is the HPV vaccine.
Did you know genital warts causes cervical cancer, which is one of the leading causes of cancer in women?
John! So it doesn't matter how much you say you don't have dick warts anymore, John.
You always have dick warts, John. You can't say, I used to have dick warts, I got rid of them.
It's a virus! It's always there, stupid!
Who's John?
I feel bad for that John guy.
Dear Stray Kids Stuff, my name is Lane K. I'm asking for a friend, B.
If you were a closet homosexual and you needed to come out of the closet to your friends, family, and wife, how would you go about it?
You see, I tried to write a song on the mandolin, but it was just too boring.
Thanks for the question, Lady Kay.
That's a great one.
Deciding when and how to come out of the closet,
it's a difficult decision for any gay like you.
What we like to do here at Straight Kid Stuff is role play.
I find it's the best way to really figure out
the best approach, so to speak.
So I will play one of your best friends
and Tukey will play you anxiously in the closet waiting to come out so you can suck on man meat.
Go ahead Tukey. Hey I just got up from my nap and I just realized I'm gay.
Hey, I just got up from my nap and I just realized I'm gay!
Fuck off, homo.
It's okay to be straight Even though it would be cooler if you were gay
It doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl, that's it
We all know being straight feels like shit.
Straight kid stuff.
Straight is great.
Straight kid stuff.
Straight is great.
Straight kid stuff.
Straight is great.
Some girls like it rough, except when eating muff.
That's straight kid stuff.
I wouldn't mind that on YouTube kids to replace Lens.
I agree.
That should come on after Baby Shark.
That was amazing.
Can I buy that at the merch table?
Like I'm going to bring home a copy for my kid.
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Hello, darlings. This is Lisa Vanderpump.
Will you join me in France for a new reality show?
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I just have to say, I have to marvel at like what the
the vegetable and puppet like thing has begat.
I know. Like it is it is really blossomed into something fucking amazing.
Like kudos, man.
And also OJ made an appearance at the live show.
There he was.
So that's exciting for you.
All right, guys, we was going to be here. Is anyone? No. All right.
Didn't make it. Call him. Damn it. Well, he was on his show yesterday. We were watching it on our Airbnb and someone
mentioned to him about this show that Merch might do something to him if he were to show
up here. So I wanted to get your take on this Merch.
Baby Satchmo. Thanks for the five. If you go to Carl's show, Merch would beat you with
his nightstick. Get it? No air is water, but I'll put a plate down here.
Uh, no he wouldn't.
So, beat him with his nightstick, meaning, you know, his trans son.
And he goes, no he wouldn't.
Good one.
What do you...
John will fall for anything.
He's really stupid.
Speaking of how stupid he is, this was my favorite phrase that he said on his show last night.
You weren't afraid of anything, shit-wear. You were just scared.
John, you're 5'2". I've seen you. You weren't fearful. You were just frightened.
He's doing great. He's doing very just frightened He's doing great
Really good. He's killing it for sure is anybody scared of stuttering John other than Patrick Melton. Yeah
security at Atlantic City casinos is
This guy's legitimately retarded right?
No, I have M life gold. I'll have you removed from the Borgata. I'll be like, this man is bothering me.
Well, you ask a good question, Top,
because what John likes to do is these song parodies off the cuff.
There's this guy Mike Morris,
he calls Silent Mike because he doesn't talk a lot on the show.
So John likes to come up with these song parodies.
Remind, remember, this happened yesterday.
This is a song parody.
Fucking Silent Mike.
T-S-S-Silent Mike.
Oh fuck.
Terry ex-wife.
Daniel Moss.
Marina horse.
Well, it's time for you to get your paybacks. I don't give a shit. You went after
my family in a taxi. Now it's time for the wrath half. Now it's time for the stuttering John Rath.
We're in March, right?
Yes.
We're almost in April, yes.
Okay, just making sure.
Okay.
He was on The Tonight Show.
Correct.
Okay, cool, just making sure.
And the Howard Stern Show.
And the Howard Stern Show.
Well, he entered fall into the Howard Stern Show.
Right, right, he read jokes
that everyone else wrote for him, yeah. John, that was a great song, but I hate to break it to your daughter's trance
The song was decent the first couple of stanzas in that then I was like what the fuck it fell apart
Yeah, I'm glad you noticed that top. I like the top is fair tonight
Yeah, I'm gonna goof on these guys, but I'm going to be fair about it.
He was fair about Lindsay's ukulele play.
She's good on the ukulele.
Well, John doesn't stop his singing there.
He also has a song for me.
Why do they podcast WTTP?
Oh!
Wouldn't that be funny if I were there?
Wouldn't that be a good time watching fucking Lady K. Mark?
You're talking about being at this show, by the way.
Squirm away from me like the bitch daddy is.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't that be nice for me in Tampa going to see my lady K?
Taking my Harley down the highway just to talk to him
that way.
Wouldn't it be nice to hang out with Lady K?
You're right, Tom. He goes on too long. That's the problem. If he cut it, it would be great. to him that way. Wouldn't it be nice to hang out with ladies came up when he's running
away from me. With all those snaggle teeth, wouldn't it be nice.
I think the Beach Boys have a lawsuit, a potential lawsuit with that one.
This is like what I would imagine it's like working in like a hospice care, you know?
Like John's just dying of like cirrhosis and you're going in a chair and he's just singing these terrible song parodies.
And we're Patch Adams.
Now, Mersh, when you were on WTP recently, I think I showed you that John's new computer,
when he does different gestures, it'll shoot balloons up or fireworks or something.
So what's great is when he's not trying to do it, it happens.
So he's just trying to count on his hand.
It's equally as funny as when he's trying to do it and it's not happening.
It doesn't happen as much, too.
But yeah, it doesn't seem to ever time out right.
Watch this.
This is where he's not trying to do it and it just happens.
That's another thing, shitwad way You've spread yourself far too thin
You got Bob. He could turn on you any day now
I love you, John never change bro. Never change
I love you John. Never change bro. Never change. He's such a stupid boomer.
This is just a boomer thing.
I interviewed a guy recently, very serious topic,
and he had the same feature.
And he kept on going like this,
and there'd be fireworks and shit.
I'm like, very hard to take this serious.
Does he even, like, do you think his brain
is able to grasp how ironically beloved he is?
No, I don't think he gets that.
Like, he just won't lean into what a doofus he is,
he'd make a fortune.
Well he's claiming that he's coming to Vegas,
the live show Hackamania.com,
he's claiming he's coming to that,
and we're all like, oh, okay.
If he gets enough Spirit Airlines points,
he'll make it out.
Yes, that's a good point.
John's gonna be like, these people hate me,
and I'm like, John, we love you, bro.
We adore you.
Never change, dude.
They built an entire economy around your stupidity.
Yes.
There are talking vegetables who are now
doing better comedy than you that started off goofing on you.
All right, I got a clip here where a super chatter comes in.
And apparently, John's now getting his news from super chatters names
Danny Thomas loved hookers shitting in his mouth
You must be true. I would they wouldn't allow it out on YouTube if it wasn't true
He's incredible well guys I gotta thank you so much for doing this show with us so great this is so much fun
You guys are great. Yes
We had a very tepid reaction when we when they first announced us. It was like yeah
And then you hyped it up better. So thank you guys. Yeah, I'm the Brian Kaelin on this show
You got nicer calves papa dude, thank you so much
Royce merch top lobster you guys rule. Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this. Thanks for having us. Let's go be anti-semitic together
Oh for sure. We're going to be around, we're going to be around, we're going to go out
somewhere after the show. We'll make plans. We'll be hanging out. Hell yeah. So yeah, definitely. It's
going to be a lot of fun. All right. At this time, I want to bring up, we're going to continue with
Stuttering John, but we have to talk to Jenny Jingles, Andy Qupublic, and Vinny Paulino coming back up again.
Thank you very much sir, welcome, welcome.
All right, we were all watching this last night
from our Airbnb, I couldn't believe we got through this
because this was one of those episodes, you you're like is this a rerun? It was very
Christmasy with the song and all. That's true. It was like Christmas. So this is not
Christmasy this is John just being gross and I believe Rocco brought up that he's
just like a real-life Rick Sanchez at this point.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear it?
I don't. I don't give a shit.
I don't give a shit what any of these guys say about me.
It's all bullshit. I'm the only fucking guy. not how the phrase is but what are you
guys sure there's no more Tom Myers sorry instead we're gonna check out
John's brain breaking as he's trying to remember some type of, he's trying to remember this conversation
that he had with Jay Leno,
and he can't seem to figure out
what the fuck he's talking about.
You know what, Jay called me,
cause he was gonna put one of my monologue jokes,
and he's like, was that both that are in combined?
And I'm like, and I, you know, and I was like, yeah.
And that, whatever it was, but he wanted to make sure
every joke was completely fucking based in truth.
What?
So I says to Mabel, I says,
and then what the fuck was he talking about right there?
Fucking based in truth.
He sounds like an old woman gossiping over a fence.
So I says to her, I says, if Jay Leno calls
and I don't pick up, did I still talk to him?
Very philosophical John.
All right, so then Pickles Melendez
comes in with a joke that John does not get.
They accused you of being in substitute
shift, you didn't lie about that.
So they have no reason to doubt you.
P.S. your necklace is nice again today. Oh thank you.
Um, yeah, I don't lie about it.
I mean, I had to lie at one point because I didn't want anyone knowing about it.
That's my favorite thing where John goes, listen, I don't lie. He's like,
Oh, I just read that thing where I was talking about how I was lying.
I mean I lie when it's good for me.
That's when everyone lies, when it's good for them, Debbie.
It's easy to not be called a liar
when you don't actually say words.
He didn't say anything.
That is a very good point.
But guys, remember, John is getting into shape right now.
He's doing things the right way. I just got the phone with my fucking,
I got the phone with my agent yesterday.
He's submitting me.
It's gonna happen.
What?
I'm getting in prime condition.
Eating my lean cuisines.
Do you eat frozen meals shit way up
Do you get dinner from the frozen food section like I do shit way up
Do you get dinner from the early 90s like I do shit way up?
Nobody eats lean cuisines
That was his brag just now. Yeah
My agent said that I'm up for the role of Juror Number Four in Jury Duty next week.
It's like, oh, he's getting casted.
I guarantee you his agent is an unemployment agency.
I've been submitted.
Temp agency.
They have some more shifts opening up at Salvation Army next month and they were checking in.
I'm getting in shape.
I'm temporarily a juror.
Colonel Melendez reporting for duty.
I love John because he's constantly threatening people with these fake threats that aren't
going to go anywhere, but at least he tries to pretend they're real.
In this scenario, not so much because he's talking about how Mike Morris has his mom's photo
behind him on the green screen.
And John's not happy about that.
He's going to put an end to it with this ultimatum right here.
I think you go live at 6 o'clock, right?
That picture's up there.
Wait till tomorrow.
OK?
No, you wait. Wait till tomorrow. Okay? No, you wait.
Wait till tomorrow.
Okay.
I'm waiting. I'm still gonna fuck...
I'm still doing what I'm gonna do.
But I'll do it to a lesser extent.
It's your choice.
You know what to do with that.
What's he talking about?
What am I supposed to do? All right.
Lesser extent? All right, you win, John.
I'm going with your terms then.
Oh my God. He sounds like a five-year-old.
Wow.
Yes.
Unfortunately, that's what we're doing with him.
A drunk five-year-old.
I'm sorry.
And John loves to talk about these shows that are all
laughing at themselves
and laughing at their own jokes.
And I like to point out when John cracks himself up
for like a while.
Are you fucking with me?
Oh.
Oh.
Oh my God.
Could you imagine if you, like that was 3D
and you had the 3D glasses, that would be the scariest.
Oh my gosh.
3D movie, whatever.
That would set box office records.
You kidding me?
Yeah.
It'd be amazing.
It'd be disgusting.
And the only thing missing was if he went like this.
Good job.
Yeah, I did it again.
I'm hilarious.
Well.
Of course I'm gonna brag.
Here's another example of him being aware is he even does at the end of this,
the chip Chippers and double gardens.
He's so proud of himself with this dated joke.
Well, I did the tag mom impression. Who gives a shit?
You're not rich little, you're little,
but not rich. Whoa, clip it.
Join the culture club.
Hold on a second, let me last.
Get it out of your system.
Oh, that was a good one.
Why are we still talking about Rich Little?
Who the fuck is talking about Rich Little?
I know, I just hold your breath
until the Columbo impression comes back.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Let's see.
Oh, this is John being creepy.
I like when this kind of sneaks out,
because they're talking about now Bob Levy has a stepdaughter
who looks like Ariana Grande.
Yeah, and she has an OnlyFans.
Beautiful.
I've done a little research on this.
She looks very good.
And so people have brought that up to John's attention.
And of course, he needs some help with that.
Danny Thomas loves hookers shitting his mouth.
Thanks for the love, buddy.
You ever seen Bob Levy's stepdaughter,
or OnlyFans holding Molly?
It's hardcore, I guarantee you.
Leave your things about it when he's doing geriatric.
Genius.
And now, send me it.
I don't even know what it looks like, but thank you.
Have you seen the nudes of Bob Levy's stepdaughter?
No, but send it to me.
I gotta do a little research on my end, please.
So lazy.
Not familiar with that.
Look for yourself.
He will.
He definitely will.
All right, so this is a funny one. This Super Chatter is one of my favorite names that comes out of his show.
Uncle Paul's funny smelling rag. I'm pouring things about his hat. I saw my kid's name.
He goes, no I'm not going to read that. I saw my kid's name. I don't think he saw what it actually said though. It's like, uh, weird, uh, Vince, the loser army and we are
sexually assaulting night. He's like, Oh, I see my kid's name. Well, yeah, there's also
like sexual assault. So that might be more of a reason to not like that. All right. So
then this is a very funny super chatter. Pickles Melendez. Thanks
five. You think your kid stepfather is drunk and argues with strangers on the internet
or is he not as sound? This is a show that's on the internet. You guys quote unquote show.
Do you think your kid stepfather gets drunk and argues with strangers on the internet guys quote-unquote show Do you think your kid's stepfather gets drunk and argues with strangers on the internet or is he not as talented?
Is the super chat he tried to read just now?
Fan fucking tastic got a lot of this guy. All right, I have I don't know how long I can I can stay on this but
Christine Nolten you ever heard of Christine Nolten?
Nolten fans here good. I'm glad to hear that because she's on cameo and
She was hired to sing a song about our friend stuttering John Melendez
I'm sure this will be great
I'm sure this will be great. Hello Stuttering John.
This is a song from your friend Brandon in Georgia.
Stuttering John has problems just like everyone else.
Some days he's on top of the phone. I agree with TAP also. Lindsay is an amazing musician. I'm realizing right now. What the
fuck with the ukuleles? It's obnoxious. Why is that the go-to instrument?
Hold on.
She does know a third chord.
It's coming up.
I don't want to spoil it.
Christine, I love your song.
If you're ever in LA, beers on me.
Beers on me.
What else can you do?
They're probably auditioning for the same part, Bitty.
Of course she's going to be in LA.
They're going to be in LA. There are corpses on law and order. He's stuttering John, stuttering John.
Being left at home.
Jesus Christ, she's changing keys.
I don't know if I can handle this.
I've not watched this yet.
You don't modulate at the very end, do you ever?
No, it's going for a while.
Just how the ball bounces.
Being a menace and creating his own fun
Isn't that what life's all about?
Maybe he got out of the wrong side of the bed
Maybe he just needs a little more head
You suck! that's disgusting John needs a little more head a little
bar all right well I can't play that anymore it's dragging me down I can't take it.
Christine Dalton. Guys I want to thank Andy,, and Vinny for being up here.
Hey, Carl.
They are going to be around.
Yes, Vinny.
Didn't I promise everybody a Stuttering John story?
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I want to hear it.
Thank you, Vinny.
Tell me everything.
Thank you, Vinny, for reminding me.
Please, I don't even know this story.
Okay.
Now, remember that Vinny tried to book Stuttering John to do a comedy show at the club in Rochester
just a couple of weeks ago
was gonna happen.
Yep.
So listen, a couple of things I'm gonna preface this
very quickly.
I'm not gonna tell you anything that John wants
to keep a secret or things that he promised me
that I, or I promised that I would not tell.
I'm only gonna tell about why I decided to never work
with him again.
And it was, there was one interaction that sealed the deal
that I want you guys to know about,
what a fucking prick this guy is.
At Comedy at the Carlson, we have a very expensive
recording equipment for filming people,
for real comedians who are doing shows.
And one of the things that Cardiff and I
were trying to convince him to do,
that none of you know about behind the scenes,
was live stream the fucking show
so you people could watch it at home.
Nice.
Yeah, I was trying to help out the Davilverse.
But John goes,
well, I don't know if I want the video out there.
Can I just have a copy of the video?
No.
Well, I said, John, I will give you a copy of the video
and I will not give it to anybody
else if that's what you want, but you're going to leave a bunch of money on the table
if you don't live stream it.
Now, does everyone remember a thing that happened a few years ago called the creep off roast?
Yeah.
And some of us remember that Carl was supposed to edit it and it took him a year.
Yeah.
So, no, hold on.
That's not true.
I never did edit it. So, it did not take me a year.
Okay, so I was feeding John all sorts of stuff about Carl to basically promote
the creep off. Every time Carl did something I didn't like on the show, I
would tell John and John would go crazy about it and I would laugh and Carl
would laugh and we'd laugh at each other behind the scenes and it was all good. So,
John wants dirt on Carl and I said, well John, you can't fucking believe it.
This guy had this video for a year and didn't do a goddamn thing with it and I spent my
whole night editing it and he was supposed to do it.
The next day he brings up the video and he goes, uh, Vint, listen, when you give me that
video, would you mind me that video, uh,
would you mind editing it for me?
And I said, I said, John, I don't have time to do that. And I was starting to say, but I know a guy who would do it for a couple of
bucks coming out of my mouth, but I know a guy I go, John, I don't have time to
do that.
You don't have time. You got time to do it for Carl?
You got time to do it for Lady K?
And I'm like, that's my show.
That's my show.
And that's when the fucking wall,
I was like, oh, there he is, folks.
And things progressively got shittier and shittier
and shittier as we went
until I fucking pulled the cord.
But the one story I want to tell you guys is a fun one, and
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
The funniest thing I've ever heard in my life was on the phone with John.
Do you guys remember when Carl bet him $100 about OJ Simpson?
Yes.
Yes, okay.
So the morning Carl decided out of pity to give him the hundred dollars because
OJ walked by him and he yelled at him. Yes. John called me like a five-year-old
so happy guys. It was, hey Finn, Carl paid me the hundred dollars. I got the hundred
dollars from Carl from Lady K. He paid me. I got him. I got him. And he's so happy.
And I go, John, I got to tell you something man. I'm glad Carl manned up and paid me. I got him. I got him. And he's so happy. And I go, John, I got to tell you something, man.
I'm glad Carl manned up and paid you.
I think that's great.
But let me tell you something.
I don't like the way these people are telling you that you're poor and broken, that you
need that $100.
It's fucking ridiculous, right?
Yeah, I don't need the money in that bag, you know, whatever.
And I go, you know what I'd do if I were you today, John?
I would go to the bank. I'd get a $100 bill.
I would buy a cigar, and I would sit on my show,
and I would light that cigar with Carl's $100 bill
and say, fuck you, Lady K.
Yeah, right?
I tried to fucking get some, stir the shit a little bit.
And John, I swear to you guys,
this is exactly what happened.
Uh. Uh.
Uh.
That's illegal.
He's amazing.
I spit coffee all over my own fucking desk. He's amazing.
I spit coffee all over my own fucking desk.
And I was just like, yeah, John, you know the way the internet is, I know they'll turn
you in too, won't they?
Yeah, they would.
They turned me in.
I can't do that.
So I just want to say John was a nightmare to deal with towards the end.
He was on his best behavior up until that point and when he showed his true colors it was fucking all over and I want to
address one other thing. Everyone has called me a fucking idiot because I
booked that show out. No, no we were calling you that long before that, Teddy.
Stop it. Good point. I just need to point out this one thing because it's the same
thing I see from everybody and I want to clear it up. The reason why John's show was so far out
was because we were not paying for a plane ticket.
We had them on a Sunday night.
We weren't putting them on a Friday or a Saturday, folks.
It wasn't gonna happen.
So we originally had them scheduled for December.
And the thing about Upstate New York is
the bills are playing, and I knew it would end up being bad and no one coming.
He was working on like a percentage deal.
So I said, it's probably not a good idea.
And there was a reason why he had to come to New York in March.
I'm not going to say what it was, but there was a reason he had to come to New York.
So it was based around his travel and being cheap
because he didn't want to buy a plane ticket to his own fucking show.
So don't blame me for that shit. It was him.
Thank you. Good night. I still blame you. All right. Thank you for remembering to tell us that
story guys. Thank you so much for coming on. Andy and Vinny will be back up in just a little
bit. We have some other guests coming up, but before we do that, let's cleanse our palette.
Shall we? With a little ask Dr. Steve.
Hey it's your old pal Dr. Steve and recently Dave asked me what's the worst way to die?
The answer is a thing called fornia gangrene. I'm going to start by giving you this one
warning do not Google image fornia gangrene. That's F-O- I E R no I'm serious do not Google image this at work
fornia gangrene is a rapidly spreading infection in the genital and groin area caused by flesh
eating bacteria it's incredibly painful requiring aggressive surgery and often leading to disfigurement or death. I'll take death
please. It's defined in the medical literature as an acute necrotic
infection of the scrotum, penis or perineum aka the taint. Fornier gangrene
is usually secondary to infections of the rectum or urethra associated with
local trauma so stop goofing around down there.
There's even popular diabetes drug that increases the risk of this condition to the point where
it's required to be included in a boxed warning in the prescribing information by the FDA.
It's a rare complication, but as Shakespeare opined, the odds ain't zero, my friend.
But wait, there's more.
This gruesome condition can actually be a rare complication of a thing called fistula
in anal, where a tunnel develops between the inside of the anus and the outside world.
What a palate cleanser.
So you might imagine you're going to have a quick bloody death only to be surprised
by a slow agonizing descent into gentle gangrene and sloughing of tissue.
What a world.
Now I'm not here to make light of death, but sometimes humor can help us cope with the
inevitable.
Too bad I don't actually have any jokes about this stuff.
Dave? And let's bring him out the great
Dodger Steve is here with us and we also have Cardiff Electric and Tukey
joining the show. Welcome welcome welcome. Thank you thank you. W.O.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Thank you, thank you.
Things are falling off of me already.
Yeah, so we went to Hulk Hogan's place last night.
I'm the Tookster, brother.
Yeah, Tookie got very excited with the gift shop.
He was way into it.
I'm a mess.
Oh no.
I look like shit.
Tookie, come on, buddy.
Oh, I'm falling apart!
Fix me!
Where do you want to start?
I know you were checking out some
Ray DeVito stuff as well as some Opie stuff.
Where do you think we should begin on that?
Let's start with Opie!
You want to start with the Ope, sir?
Let's do it! I'm the man! I'm the man!
I'm the man! I'm the man!
I'm the man! I'm the man!
Baa, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!
What's going on with you these days? I haven't been paying much attention to him. He's kind of boring. Yes, he is incredibly boring. But, and his kids are even realizing that he's very boring.
I'm starting to think that mustache was a bad idea.
Yes, me too.
Shut up! Shut up!
Sorry, sorry, Dookie.
Yeah, in this first clip,
Opie tells us that they didn't go on vacation
for a spring break.
Okay.
What's up, John Quartz.
Good morning, Opie. Stay warm, my friend. It is freezing out here, but at least the wind stopped
You know, um as long as as long as there's no wind uh winter at the beach could be just glorious
We've been doing a staycation
Which is a little weird. I'm not gonna lie to you. I mean
You know, my kids are old enough where their friends are sending them pictures from
around the world. And I'm like, Hey,
why don't we go to the beach and make believe it's spring?
But with that said, we've been doing something almost every day.
We've been doing a pretty solid, uh, staycation. You know,
we went to Costco. Well, I didn't go to Costco. I said, you know what?
I ain't going to Costco.
You know, we went to Costco. Well, I didn't go to Costco. I said, you know what? I ain't going to Costco.
Yeah.
Yeah. So Opie is taking his kids to Costco
while their rich friends are posting pictures of them
in Dominican Republic and other places.
He's like, well, yeah, but we're going to get a $5 rotisserie chicken.
Ain't that sweet?
Well, what's hilarious about Opie's life,
we don't know a lot about Opie's life,
except for the fact that he lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan,
how many feet above New York City?
I believe it's 500 feet.
Brother.
And then he also has the house in the Hamptons.
All right, let's start, you win me over.
Yes, okay.
But he also has the house in the Hamptons.
So you know that his kids are going to private school,
all of their neighbors and friends are all rich people their parents
Probably still have an income
Somehow so you got to imagine
Thank you. You got a bit. It's weird for these kids
To see their friends are like going out and doing like rich kids stuff and oh he gets to go to the other house
They live on Yes, and actually
Like you said Opie is getting very boring, but I learned something clipping this if you listen to Opie at two times speed That's the second clip Opie is way more entertaining
Yeah, and then they came home and and I'm a wife's like, oh, we got a lot of stuff
You got a lot of stuff here that the car the car is packed with stuff from Costco
I'm like, oh my god, here we go. You want to you want to guess how many items we got at Costco?
I filled up the filled up the the car 12 items
We got 12 items from Costco. I now in the proud owner of a pancake mix. That is no less than this big
It's like a cement bag of pancake mix
My god, I carry the stakes in like this like I'm a fucking flint stone
You get a copy of his big items. They got some large items
We are one week away from Opie live streaming from Costco.
Yes!
Opie, he looks like Babe Ruth running the bases there.
I like that version of Opie.
It'll sped up.
Little more fun.
Yes, absolutely.
But Play Clip 3, I don't know what it's about.
All right.
I got bad news for you, Tukey.
There is no 3. Oh, 4 then. All right. Let's go right to 4 and see what it's about. All right. I got bad news for you, too. There is no three
Let's go right to four see what's doing. What's up, john quartz? Good morning. Hope stay warm my friend
It is freezing out here, but at least the wind stopped
You know, um as long as there's no wind. Oh, that's it play five. Sorry. Let's keep going. Oh shit
Oh, yeah, I got I got fucked up. I do have a five here
You know You know what I learned two days ago?
I gotta dress better.
You know, my kids are at that age, they want to look good in public.
My wife looks good so she wakes up.
I gotta go to her car wash and a NASCAR pit crew to get to look just like this in the morning
Yeah, so he is a mess and he's apparently his kids are embarrassed by it, but he's a he's a mess. Yeah again
He's living around rich people. Yes, and his job is getting up in the morning and playing with doggy on the internet
So he doesn't need to get dressed up for anything, he's got nowhere to be.
Illegal immigrants in New York City are making fun
of how OP dresses.
Yes!
Michael Imperiali thought he was getting harassed
by a homeless person the other day.
Yes.
It's not good.
100%, play the next clip, I don't know what it is.
Whatever we had.
After five, whatever it says after five.
Oh yeah, that's right.
14, clip 14, Carl. Can 14 cross out who are you ready to
veto my kids friends are sending them pictures from exotic places ah well my
daughter's friend is in the Dominican Republic we could have went we decided
not to because why to the Dominican Republic
when you can hang out way out east on Long Island
on your own beach with 50 mile an hour winds
and temperatures hovering around 30 degrees?
Oh my God.
Now my son's getting pictures, one of his friends is,
I don't know where, they're in like another cut another country too and
Then there's a town. Yeah, you guys want to go the aquarium today
It's very sad for these poor poor rich kids
They can't go to exotic places. They just have to go to aquariums
You play the last clip go to the last clip for the the last clip. Go to the last clip. Go to the very last clip? Yes. All right.
This show stinks.
Nardo, this show stinks. Nardo, are y'all right?
This doesn't stink. Yes it does. It's not like a,
and it's not even really a show show. What? Is it a show? This is not a show. Oh man. It's not like a and it's not even really a show show. What is it a show this is not a show man it's a it's a place
to come in the morning where we hang out before we start our
days. It's really simple and easy was there a nuclear now I
was doing like get by.
I'll be very dishonest that's actually show it's it's
starting to work so so I took my kids to the Sun
Heimer we could just
Buddy what am I gonna do you need a well now? What am I gonna sit around and worry about your dumb? This show stinks comment, of course not
That really got to him.
But he played it off really well.
He just said he doesn't care about it.
So I believe him.
But yeah Topgolf has taken over the world man.
It's it's it is so much fun.
But I grip and rip.
Well yes it's very sad to see where OP has come.
Where he is.
So he took his kids to Topgolf.
Yes.
They had to work on their short game, I imagine.
Yes.
Great.
That's pretty much it with Opie.
I wanted to cut it down.
I know we're cutting it close.
Well, you were also noticing that Ray DeVito
is up to some shenanigans.
Oh my god.
You guys know Ray DeVito?
Yeah.
Yes, Ray DeVito. Ray DeVito? Yeah. Okay. Yes, Ray DeVito!
Ray DeVito is quite an idiot.
This is fresh from Ray DeVito's show last night.
I guess play the one about
Clitorati first.
The clitoris, man!
And they're shaped like beans!
I get why they say flick the bean.
The magic bean.
The magic bean! that's exactly yet he's
got the opiate flash it's a magic bean it's a bean is that where we're in
Detroit that's a thing they would call magic eggs because the eggs are what creates babies those miracles what what's a miracle?
when that supposedly
China you remember the wrestler China allegedly had a like a five-inch plethora see well. That's what happens with like
Women that like do that and I do like athletic women
I like the quad father goes allegedly shot at of five inch like he didn't watch the video
My quad father enough. We're not buying that for a second, but I mean I heard dr.
Steven does the clitoridae produce eggs?
What is right talking about?
I think Ray is confused about female anatomy and no action
No, but this is the reason I was confused about female anatomy and reproduction. No! No!
But this is the reason I'm up here.
This is the reason I'm up here.
I found an article in the journal of, I don't know, what the fuck.
And no one here cares.
It's called the Evaluation of Clitoral blood flow and sexual function in elite female athletes
Which I think China would be considered one and
Imagine this study it says clitoral blood flow measurements using clitoral Doppler
Ultrasound have been performed with increasing frequency either in order to assessment of female
So anyway, so they got women to work out and then they put an ultrasound on their clit to see
It's amazing. So how do you get a grant?
Fuck up ass wipe and suck my cock. Yeah
I'm applying for a similar grant when we get done
Okay, see I thought it was me.
I didn't see you anyway.
No, Steve, you were killing just now.
Can you read that article from that journal?
So the conclusion of this article was, in elite female athletes, as compared to sedentary
healthy females, better clitoral blood flow and better sexual function were demonstrated.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I've itch clitoris see well that's what happens with like uh women that like do that and I do
like athletic women and I've been with athletic women and yes they do have did his nose just grow
just I don't see that they have balls yeah right I've been with a lot of athletic women Larry Bill
they do have like these little Audi
Cletorises when they're clitori
If they wait rain and stuff so yes, I've seen those and
Use where is he sitting while they're waiting?
These women's clits I
Spotter that's not where I need you to be right now. I'm spotting your clit. I'm spotting your clit. I spotted it
You're spotting
If that makes me gay and I'm fine with the woman with an Audi clitoris then call me gay you're gay
Ray DeVito is gay. That's could you shall receive right?
Keep telling yourself those are clitoris is right. It's
Just keep repeating it cool whip sucks. All right, can we both can you both agree with me that cool whip?
Out of ready whip and cool whip. What do you guys go with? We're taking calls after the break What do you guys got cool? Anyway, what do you got? Huh? Hey, which pie do you put it out?
cool it
And which pie do you put it out cool it?
Already with guy and the heavy heavy. I'm mad right now at Derek for having an answer to that
Listen man, I'm already with guy. I was glad you asked actually shut the fuck up even Opie isn't asking his chat Are you ready with people?
Yeah, you like shake it up I like eating ready whip off of clitoris People are cool with people. The only answer to that is shut the fuck up, Ray. Who gives a shit?
Yeah, you like shake it up.
I like eating ready whip off of Clitoris's, believe it or not, Ray.
What do you, any thoughts on that?
No, if I'm eating a Clitoris, I want no food.
I just want to fucking eat a Clitoris.
You just want to suck a dick.
Just saying, Ray.
Jesus Christ.
Point to which one is the fag.
I can put my mouth all over that thing.
Ray wants to suck something and it rhymes with cock.
It's like that same thing.
I can't eat and drink at the same time.
I can't eat and lick a clitoris at the same time.
I gotta fucking divide it up.
This is shocking.
Ray can't do more than one thing at a time.
What am I going to do? Walk and chew bubblegum? One thing at a time.
One thing or the other. I can't multitask. What am I going to do? I'm sitting there
fucking going down on a chick and then I got like...
I'm going down on a chick.
How am I supposed to suck cock and tell jokes at the same time?
Well, what's your favorite condiment for a clitoris though, right?
Cough.
That's my mouth. I just go down and do it.
Whoa!
Why don't you get to suck on it until the bowl is done.
That would be my favorite kind of it right there.
All right, that was the end of the clip?
That was the end of the clip.
Fantastic. Now to prove that Ray is not gay.
Now that's how you're going to joke people.
That's it right there.
Are you listening, Tom Myers?
Ray is going to now give us a little history lesson on the great people of North Korea.
Forgot about this.
Did you know Ray knows a lot about North Korea? Well, he doesn't.
Geopolitical Ray or...
Right? Are you allowed to have sex toys in North Korea? I don't think so.
I don't think... I think they're not allowed to have anything.
It's just that, what's his name?
Yeon Jong Kim or whatever?
He's so stupid or whatever.
Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Long John Silver.
Everything's him.
He's in charge of everything there.
Everything goes through him.
Kim Jong Un.
And remember like he used to be like the cute guy.
Remember?
What?
Oh.
You remember that?
He was a tiger beat.
Yeah right.
All the girls in their lockers had Kim Jong Un on them.
We were so jealous.
Yeah, hot young dictators on their way up.
With a foreign.
Everyone used to have.
How big is this Clint?
Yeah, I mean,
everyone used to have like little things of this guy.
What he was like, you know, he was like he would be all over the place.
You know, who's this guy?
He was a cute little guy.
And then he started doing mean things.
All right. Well, there's our history lesson for the day. Kim Jong-un was a hot dude who
started doing mean things and that's why we don't like him anymore. This is amazing.
I would still rather have Ray DeVito teaching my children than stuttering Jong.
Yes. Yes. Can you please please as Joe Matterese explained that
Ray's really good at this podcast Wow Ray you're really good at this did you I
didn't even know you knew all about the what are these super chats you're a
really smart guy Ray I knew Joe Matterese had no business in podcasting
when he goes wow Ray you you know what you're doing. Unbelievable.
And he was no longer like the cute guy.
Remember, he was the cute guy in the movies.
People would have him all the time.
Nope.
The cute guy in the movies?
Who is he?
Is he talking about Team America?
Team America?
He was so funny in that movie.
Remember, he was in that movie with Chris Tucker?
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?
He thinks he's Jackie Chan!
Remember he's talking about Jimi Hendrix?
Uh, well they did the little clay animations or whatever, but then he turned out to be a real jerk this guy. A jerk? Well that part's accurate I'm not gonna talk about that. He's so stupid.
He's a real jerk this guy. It's a definition of a euphemism. Okay. What? It means never mind. Look it up. Spell it Dr. Steve, that'll make it funnier.
Tip code.
Well Tukey, I want to thank you so much for coming to this live show.
Thank you.
You have so many exciting things going on.
So many exciting things going on at Tukey Soup.
And you are going to be at Hackamania.
Yes, Hackamania brother will be there, Las
Vegas, May 31st to June 2nd. Get your tickets hackamania.com and Tukey will
see you all there. And Cardiff, I want to thank you for coming.
Unfortunately, it was very difficult to come all the way from Minnesota and not
bring your other potato head. It was. was yeah I think that that mask will be making appearance at a future
Event oh
Which event will that be there?
Cardiff double con to what?
You guys even come to devil God one
and come to DevilCon 1. Yeah, where were you?
Oh, it's going to snow.
You know, I heard it's going to snow.
It does snow in August, right?
Yes, it's going to snow again in August.
And I want to thank Dr. Steve for being here on the show.
We weren't sure if he was going to make it.
The great Dr. Steve.
What I love about Dr. Steve.
I'll be reading from the dictionary later. What I love about Dr. Steve, I'll be reading from the dictionary later
Dr. Steve is that he's literally on call tonight
Steve you're on fucking call tonight really good to get this one Friday off. Oh tell that fucking bitch to die already I
Watched him kill three people backstage. He's doing a great job. Dr. Death.
Steve, Comet? We love you.
What?
Comet, Steve?
Yeah, the only place I'm not killing
is up here on this stage.
All right.
Hacker, hacker!
The great Dr. Steve, everybody!
Kenneth Electric, Tukey!
The great El Harible, Bedabler, Rocco!
Thank you guys so much for coming up and doing that.
I want to bring back Andy, Vinny, and Lucy Tightboxes here.
That is right.
Hey, Lucy, you got it?
Ha ha ha! Hey, Lucy, you got it?
Thanks for showing up.
Holy shit, she's real.
I had no idea. This is crazy. Alright. Well, we're just going to roll with it.
So, the thing that we've been doing on the Creep Off which by the way, you can catch on the creep off channel and who are these podcast channel every Monday at one Eastern
is we've been watching these cop camps because when the George Floyd thing happened, I know
you guys haven't heard of it.
It's kind of obscure thing that happened, but the George Floyd thing happened.
Cops got taken off the air.
Jesus Christ.
I know it's a little too enthusiastic about George Floyd.
Get out.
Cops got taken off the air, and so we no longer got to see them chasing after, you know, potential murderers and other riffraff in the neighborhood.
But the good news is every police officer has a camera strapped to their chest now.
So we don't even need the camera crew, Minnie?
No, we could just watch it all the time
because they release all these videos.
Let me tell you something.
The shit that we would never see comes out now because of this.
So it's better than not die in vain.
I want you to know that.
The show just makes itself now.
Yes, it's amazing.
So we've been watching this on the creep off.
We've been pulling different clips from different videos.
The one that we did this just this past episode,
the guy blew a three four three
at 3.30 in the afternoon.
It's not possible.
I don't know, I've been drunk before.
I've never gotten there, that's incredible.
That video of John, he was like at a three one.
Yeah, right.
This fucking guy is nuts.
That's as good as you're about to enter it.
So a listener sent this in, and I gotta tell you, Carl, I thought this video was apropos
for Tampa because it happened in Florida.
Of course it did.
And it happened on a beautiful beach.
Never mind, it happened in Daytona Beach.
Oops.
Which, I learned something today, Carl.
Did you know that Daytona Beach is Florida's Syracuse?
I actually did. I've been there before. It's not great. So what I'd like to do to set up this video is start off by
introducing you all to the stars of the show today Tim and Alicia and they
decided to go to the beach they're from Georgia and they could only afford to go
to Daytona Beach and they brought their kids and they decided to afford to go to Daytona Beach,
and they brought their kids,
and they decided to have a good old day at the beach,
and hijinks ensued.
So let's just meet them first.
This is where we first meet them, Carl.
What's up, guys?
Sheriff's office. Time to wake up. time to wake up guys! Hey! Hey! Sheriff's office!
Wake up!
Oh my God!
So for those of you who are listening, they are past the fuck out on the beach.
Correct.
Now, it's time to fuck out on the beach.
Correct.
Now, it turns out there are some laws that they might be breaking here.
Basically, all of the empty beer cans laying around them, there's no alcohol out on this
beach.
Then why go to Daytona Beach?
I thought that was the only reason to go.
I thought meth was legal there. Yeah
Well, you could do meth on the beach. You just can't have a beer. Okay, so these
tuckered out parents
Are at that one point if you heard that she goes wake up and they go
Like these are people who are used to having their annoying children bother them in the morning
They could sleep through anything by the way
My alarm clock is actually set to a police
officer yelling at me because I get right up that gets me right out of bed
but not these two. So let's watch our second clip where the cops kind of
explain a little bit what's going on they're still kind of coming to here.
You sit up! Come on, get up!
All right.
Welcome back.
Sit up.
Why can't you have alcohol on the beach?
Why not?
Do you have ID?
Do you have ID?
Why?
You have ID or something?
So, I don't know if you heard that,
she goes, you can't have alcohol on the beach, and he
goes, why not?
Good question.
And she goes, do you have ID?
Huh?
Why?
And he's not really catching what's going on here.
I'm trying to sleep.
I want you all to understand the reason why the police are there.
It's not the alcohol.
We're going to learn in a second that the reason the police are there is because they
brought their two young children with them, drank in excess and then passed out on the
beach and the children ran away and someone saw this.
And they called the police, a couple of tattletales frankly, called the police and they're about
to say to them, hey, where are your kids?
Now watch the reactions from these concerned parents,
helicopter parents really.
You guys have children with you?
If it might, I do want kids in yours.
Are they with you?
Hey, your kids with you?
Yes.
Where are they at?
Hey, where are your kids? Right there. I like that she's looking in the bag for her kids. I'm looking, hold on, give me a second.
Carl, she's looking through her bag and she goes, where are your kids?
And she doesn't even look up and points, goes over there.
Yeah, right.
Well, we passed out three hours ago and they were right there.
So I assume they're still there right? The black hawk down of
helicopter parenting.
So they're trying to find the IDs. They can't find them.
They're in the side back part of the bag,
and the cop goes, they're right there.
And she goes, oh.
So as you can tell, that guy is stumbling around.
He is pretty fucking drunk at this point.
And he just woke up, buddy.
Give him a break.
OK, fair enough.
The officer says, let's go find your kids.
So the cop takes this man to go find his children.
And boy, he's really concerned.
You'll see.
Hey, where are they at?
Where are they?
Look, it's the kids.
I got this.
I'll go with you.
No?
I'll go with them.
Tell me where your kids are.
Nice to meet you. How old are they?
Well, I looked and I looked.
Seven and eight.
Boys, girls?
The cop just said to them, how old are your kids?
And he goes, seven and eight.
They're five and seven.
Oh, no.
The kids are five and seven.
That was close.
It's good.
In the ballpark.
Yeah, I just wanted to point that out. Ossifer, I don't think I even have kids.
Rumbling
Rumbling
Pause it. What you... It's hard to hear because there's so much noise out there.
So I'll translate. She goes, where are your kids?
And he just answered, on the beach?
Yeah. It's possible. It's possible. So at this point they're under arrest for
being neglectful and being drunk in public and they have their cuffs on this gentleman
and I am surprised what a cool customer this guy is. But he's kind of a dick. If you're ever going to go to the beach and you pass out, you're supposed to watch another team.
Put it on speaker, put the phone up there.
I'm trying.
What happened to your hand?
I swore.
You worked?
Yeah, some people don't know that.
It's not very nice.
Now what he just the cop says to him, he has like a wound on his hand
He goes hey, man, what happened to your hand and he goes work something you wouldn't know about
But hold on a second he took a hit off his vape with handcuffs on behind his back. Yeah, he's done that before
He had confidence with that move. He's vaping with one hand and applying for father of the year with the other. I actually labeled that. The Fonz is not a nice guy. He's pretty fucking cool though.
But let's see the concern of a father here. This is really touching to me.
I need you to come get the kids. Me and Timothy are both being arrested.
Is somebody able to come get the kids?
Come get the kids.
Why am I being arrested?
Alcohol on the beach and child neglect.
Child neglect.
That's a spitball in here.
Maybe child neglect.
A law to have any beer on the beach. That's a spitball in here, maybe child neglect. Not allowed to have any beer at the beach?
It's illegal to have alcohol at the beach.
Is it? I thought it was not glass.
No, glass is not allowed but it's either alcohol.
Because what happens is people get drunk and they'll drown in the marriage.
I want to have like two beers.
Can I just point out, and I've said this to a cop before too, but when you're going to say I've had two beers, don't use the word like before.
I've had like two beers. Which by the way, 12 is like two. Sure. Just that one line.
It's one number off.
Two is still illegal.
Two is still illegal?
Two is still illegal. Two is still illegal? Two is still illegal?
This guy's like Brendan Schaub, he repeats everything the cops say.
Drinking's illegal, drinking's illegal?
Yeah, you were passed out, I was passed out?
I only had two.
I only smoked like two cracks.
But notice, this poor woman is back there trying to contact someone to come get their kids.
They're being arrested and taken to jail and he's like, beer's illegal on the beach?
My children are missing, but I only had like two.
I thought this was America.
So I gotta tell you, I am so convinced that this man is terrified of this woman.
Watch her explain to him what's going on.
They must have a wonderful relationship.
Can you just wait?
Can you just wait?
I want to make sure my kids are safe.
We're going to make sure they're taking care of themselves.
Okay, so tell them to come over here and let me listen to what my grandpa's saying.
He's writing down a message right now.
I can't hear anything.
In the truck.
I'm telling you to get in the truck and I'd like to get in yourself.
I want to make sure my kids are safe.
They will be in the truck.
Where are my kids going?
I'm going to get in the truck.
I'm going to get in the truck.
I'm going to get in the truck.
I'm going to get in the truck.
I'm going to get in the truck. I'm going to get in the truck. I'm going to get in the truck. I'm you to get in the truck and I'd like to get in yourself. I want to make sure my kids are alright.
They will be in the truck.
I want to make sure my kids are alright.
Can I point out he and his vape again there.
Yes, I was going to point that out.
That was impressive. Watch this. That's great.
I'm telling you to get in the truck and I'd like to get in yourself.
I want to make sure my kids are alright.
This guy's incredible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florida, man.
Well, he's from Georgia. Yeah, I know.. He's got his priorities. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florida, man.
Well, he's from Georgia.
Yeah, I know.
But he's got Florida in him, I'm telling you.
They were having family nap time,
and the kids skipped nap time.
Right.
Now they're under arrest.
What are they supposed to do?
He only had like two beers.
Play my next clip for me, Carl.
OK.
We're going to the Family Resource Center.
So they're going to take care of them.
They'll feed them.
They'll clothe them.
And they'll be comfortably waiting and controlling here.
Was it father or grandfather or us?
OK?
We need you to get them to talk to me, OK?
If you're on this not too long, you
should be able to get this over with.
Let's try to get this over with, OK?
All right.
Got it?
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Yeah!
Oh!
Oh! Stupid. You got it? Go, go, go, go, go, go! Yeah!
Oh!
Stupid.
Yeah, dude, he's on your mouth.
What?
Oh, that'll fall.
Don't get it.
Call an ambulance, please.
Hold on, now that we know what happens,
I want you to watch this guy looking around
as the wheels are turning and he's going...
Carl, I'll do you what better.
Watch her before they put her in the car.
She is mouthing to him, I'm going to fucking kill you.
I'm going to fucking kill you.
So he's like, then the gears start going.
And then he's like, I gotta get the fuck outta here.
I got nothing to lose.
Well he's probably thinking too,
like I'll have handcuffs on for the rest of my life but I can still vape. Yeah. I'll figure it out.
Think he can make it to Puerto Rico with no hands.
They'll feed them, they'll clothe them, and they'll be perfectly waiting and telling you.
I'm going to fucking kill you. You are right Vinny, wow good catch on that.
Yeah Vinny. Wow. I'm not a good lip reader, but that one was very clear.
Ha ha ha.
You need to get into the truck, okay?
You're on this after a while.
You took the one in Silverwind and started getting...
Oh, man.
Now he's looking at, where can I go?
My wife hates me, the cops hate me, my kids are mad.
God damn it.
Silverwind, okay, you got it. No. No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Stupid.
Yeah, you know, you're not getting out.
Now, I want to point out,
he just knocked himself out fucking cold.
Wow, that was a face plant.
He is knocked out.
They have to come get an ambulance to come get him.
So they've been arrested on a bunch of charges.
And Carl, I'd like to show you Tim's mug shot.
Look at how well this ended for this fella.
Oh!
Oh!
Father of the year, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, buddy.
That's a great video, buddy.
Carl, I got to tell you about the amazing creep-off thing
that happened while you were up here earlier.
Yeah.
I went out there to go grab a beer, and I believe there's only was one motherfucker in here tonight wearing a creep
Off shirt and he was being taken out by the police
Like a real fucking creep up we like we do a show
By creeps for creeps and I told that guy said I need you to call the show after this and I hope he hears this
When he sobers up whatever you're our new mascot, dude. You're like the best. He's our new review girl or results
That's amazing. Yeah, so please watch the creep off. Don't be right very good
Now before I let you guys go we do have to catch an alien
But before we do that, I know that Andy you were checking out some Patrick Michael stuff to see what he's up to he's up to nothing
So fucking boring uh-huh uh-huh well. This is setting up this topic very well
What was he talking about on his stream? I know he's playing video games well. Yeah
We're all here. We have a good group of people here
So we I think it's time that we all figured out the Israeli Palestine conflict and who better to sort it out than
Patti Pukewater.
You guys saw the self emulation? That was wild.
Free Palestine, huh?
Talk about commitment though. The thing that people aren't talking about when it comes to that dude is how calm he was before. Like when he's walking up to the place when he's
going to set him douse himself with the gasoline he's going to act like you've been there before
everyone does that. You can't be a nervous protest. No one's going to take that very
seriously. He's going to set him douse himself with the gasoline. He's totally calm
He's just like yeah, this is shit's wild. I'm an I'm an Air Force guy whatever and
They gotta stop killing these people
Something something I don't remember what all he said, but it was cryptic
Shits wild Yeah, it's pretty obvious what he was protesting there shit's wild
Could you fucking imagine if you can see earth from the afterlife and you set yourself on fire to make a point Yeah, you're watching this idiot going blah blah blah. I don't know
Can't even get one kill in fortnight I
liked how he always play like the
Israel invasion version of it with the hang glider there
I just remember the whole thing to be honest with you
Anything else from Patty puke water here
I mean, I don't recommend I have one clip out here that you pulled and I want to play
Okay, I just I just wanted to point this out, you know, Patty loves talking about high school
Yeah, he's still living in high school in his mind. Oh, yeah, that was during 9-eleven
2001 and then it was also one of my favorite teachers who obviously you find out later. He's a creep
Like cool. My favorite teacher was the weirdest guy awesome
Kind of not surprising at this point fucking Christ
but I do miss that class though fun class it was I remember sitting there
because this is back when the TVs that the classrooms would have were like
already posted up on the wall so they were putting TVs on the wall long before I got a fight
The fuck is this dude get out of here?
So okay, he just explained his favorite teacher turned out to be diddling teens or something
Yeah, and he goes and you should have seen these TVs at the well. No talk about the
Barg this is finally something interesting to talk about
Why was he your favorite Patty? I want to know right
He's like I couldn't even get molested I was the one kid that didn't get molested, but you wouldn't believe how much lunch used to cost back then
TVs were on the wall
That's why he's the worst yeah, and then Lucy type box. Thanks for being here. Yes. Thank you
I know that you were spending a lot of time today. Oh, the Lucy simps in full force, Dr. Steve.
I noticed that when we were prepping for the show today, you were checking in on
Jerry Banfield. You learned a lot about his life, his origin story. I sure did.
Did you know he chose his parents? Yes. Even though his dad was an alcoholic loser. An alcoholic racetrack loser. Racetrack loser? Yeah, he
like, I don't even know. Incomprehensible. We're really flipping the script. Usually
the kids are losers. This is interesting. Yeah, so apparently- Let's not start targeting
alcoholic losers, okay? I take offense to that.
It'll be a cold day in hell when this show starts
making fun of alcoholic losers.
All right, so what did you pick up on
from your Jerry adventure today?
Jerry Banfield is doing this whole
autobiography channel now.
So I get to learn, we get to learn
his entire life story in parts.
And I've been thinking a lot about dating
because of course we just did the
Win a Date with Lucy Titebox.
So I wanted to find out how he met his wife
and why it is that she puts up with him.
So in clip one, we find out how they met
and also that he went on a lot of dates before that.
Wait, is that the lower part of Chrissy Mayer's face?
What's going on?
I don't get it, it looks like you actually. Dude, is that the lower part of Chrissy Mayer's face? What's going on? It kind of looks like you, actually.
Dude, it looks like that Conan bit where there's
going to be like a mouth talking.
Yeah, right.
I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And our initial, we met on match.com.
And nothing stood out as special initially.
Like I had exchanged so many messages with at least hundreds of girls.
So I'm waiting for the stories about the hundreds of dates that he's been on.
I'm on the edge of my seat for that.
But there is good news for everybody who's here because it turns out in clip three that
Tampa is very special to Jerry.
But I kept trying and I finally, I even moved to Tampa
because I looked and the girl and guy ratio was two to one.
That can't be. In Tampa.
Tampa, Tampa, Tampa.
That can't be true.
That's impossible.
It's true that Jerry might be here right now. Yes. It's Jerry Banfield.
Oh no. He's not there. Damn it. Yeah. So he's doing great. All right. Well, that's good.
I thank you for the Jerry Banfield out there. Great stuff. Lucy. I do appreciate that guys. it one more time for Andy Q Public, Lucy Titebox, and Vinny Paulino. All right, at this time,
it is time to play everyone's favorite game show to catch an alien. And in order to do
this, I want to bring out some very special contestants. Cardiff
is back with us. Thank you. Cardiff, please have a seat. Cardiff is here. He put together
a very special to catch an alien for us today. But I want to bring up some contestants that
haven't necessarily done this game before because we've seen there's like a beginner's
luck thing that happens with this. So is Joey C. C my man come on up to the stage buddy there's
the stairs right over here I think to keys gonna try to take your feet off and And then is Monique from Radio Gunk still here?
Mo!
Mo, get up here.
We got a game to play.
Here she comes.
And then Andrea Brower, the mod to the stars, has sparks.
Andrea Brower is here.
Andrea, can you please come up to the stage
to play the game to catch an alien?
There she is, here she comes.
This is exciting.
["Jerry Banfield's Alien"]
So we didn't get Jerry Banfield here in Florida,
but we did get local residents,
Joey C., Monique, and Andrea,
all Floridians here joining us.
Thank you all for being here.
And the rules of the game,
if you haven't seen it before, are very easy.
We're gonna watch this weirdo talk a little bit,
then we gotta figure out what he's gonna say next. So's check it out because you can only you know you can only cheat on
your tests so long you can only show this off so long it's gonna hit yeah and
then the credit cards are max the banks are out that's it and then when the
restaurants don't have a lot of margin because no food costs what it cost gas
costs what it costs and everything is up we saw the whole egg debacle and gas and everything.
I think Uber and Uber Eats, and that Uber guy, he's going all electric.
He was just going all electric when it's impossible to go all electric, and they just had the
thing with the cold.
So I think Uber's fucked.
I think Uber Eats is fucked because I talked to some of the drivers and they don't make anything. Yeah, and every time there's an increase
There's an increase
You know for uber which then is
What did Tommy say next?
Here are your choices
number one a
Dolphins fart in the ocean
B they put less fries in your bag.
Next, the driver, who was forced to get vaccinated,
by the way, gets screwed.
Number four, there is a less crease for the driver.
Lastly, we all get fucked. Now, do you have these listed somewhere on the video that we
can see them? Yeah. All right. Let's take a look at so we can. All right. Thank you
for doing that card. So dolphins fart in the ocean. They put less fries in your bag next
to the drivers forced to get the vaccine by the way. And number four is there is a less
crease for the driver. And lastly
we all get fucked. I always go first. I'm going to say B, they put less fries in your
bag. That's my guess. And I'm going to go over to Joey C. What do you think?
We all get fucked. We all get fucked. I like that as well. Monique, what do you think the
answer is going to be? So is it one or B? What?
Yeah.
Cardiff is annoying.
Just play along.
Just for shits and giggles, I go with a dolphin fart in the ocean.
Dolphin fart in the ocean, number one.
And Andrea, what do you think?
I'm gonna go with number four.
Yes, I like that one a lot.
I hope that's the case, but that would be a little too clever for Tommy.
Or dumb.
Let's find out.
And there's an increase, there's an increase,
you know, for Uber, which then is a less crease
for the driver.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Andrea!
Wins the game, everybody!
I didn't see that coming, wow!
I can't write that.
It's amazing.
Pretty soon it's like, and who's tipping now?
If you're up in the price for the food,
before when you'd be like, oh I'll give 20% like a restaurant,
I know some people would just go zero.
You know, left and right.
So I think this
kicks in before we're ended.
Sit Eugene, sit. Good dog. So I think this this kicks in for where I ended sit Eugene said good dog
Excellent work card of his always. Thank you very much for that Joey see
Where can people find you sir on the street of Tampa? Yes. I've noticed that
for Yeah yeah most definitely
yeah not her and John called me tonight no what did John have to say to you
said he was gonna kill me he's gonna kill you know he just said you guys were
friends you can come over to his house he thought Andrea gave her my phone
and he goes I'm gonna kill your husband. Yeah, he handed it. He showed me that it was John.
I said, oh, let me get it.
Right?
So I answer it.
And I said, hey, do you know who this is?
And he goes, I'm going to kill your husband.
I'm like, wrong answer.
Yeah, why?
Is he going to kill me, Carl?
Why is that?
I post it on Twitter.
I go, John, you should go work for Shuley.
Oh, I got to go. Carl's waiting foruli. Oh, I gotta go Carl's waiting for me
Oh, that's all it takes. Huh? That's all it takes for a death threat. That's all it took
He literally called you with a death threat. Yeah needed and Andrea got to be there for it Monique
Yeah, who's the biggest whack-packer of all time at this point? I mean
Just in the running right we're debating it the other day, top three.
Well, first off, John is one of the few that's still alive,
which I can't imagine is gonna last that much longer.
But I think that he's definitely the biggest
swag packer of them all, for sure.
I got a great, great voicemail from John a few weeks ago.
Oh, I wanna hear that.
I'll play it for the whole room.
All right, well, I don't have it on my board here,
but we'll get to it. I hope you hear it. Yes, please do. All right, well I don't have it on my board here, but we'll get to it.
Yes, please do.
All right, guys, thank you very much.
Monique from Radio Gunk, everybody.
Monique, thank you so much for coming up.
Where can people find your show?
RadioGunk.com and anywhere, anywhere.
YouTube, podcast, wherever it is.
What's going on with Howard right now?
Is he still doing his show?
Absolutely nothing is going on with him.
He was on vacation for another two weeks. I don't know how he's doing it.
Because he can.
And Andrea, of course, the great Hal Sparks.
You're working with him. Anything else you want to promote?
Oh, and Hack Ride.
Hack Ride!
I now mod for Hack Ride.
Hopefully we'll see Hack Ride at Hackamania.
Yep.
And we'll see you at the next ride. I now mod for hack ride.
Hopefully we'll see hack ride at hackamania. Yeah seems like that'd be fitting and he's on the west
He was very upset that I got a picture with Joey C. Oh yeah well everyone's getting upset. He's my boy.
Everyone who's not here is getting upset. You hear that? Come to hackamania. That way you don't get upset
that you missed out. Well thank you all for coming up here and playing the game fantastic job guys
I had a I had a trivia thing I wanted to do with Hannah and Annie but they're
telling us we got to get the hell out of here and I don't want to overstay our
welcome I don't want to be that guy so I am gonna wrap things up here but I just
want to say I really sincerely appreciate you guys coming out to the show.
I talked to people who came from Canada and L.A. and drove from St. Louis and Minnesota and Minnesota.
And it's it really is amazing to me that you come all the way to come see us, even the locals who bought the tickets and came to the show.
I hope you guys had a good time.
I had a blast tonight.
I've had so much fun hanging out with all you guys
at last night when we were down at Hogan's.
But by the way, Hogan's sucks.
Hulk Hogan's Bar sucks.
What a waste of a 45 minute drive that was.
But no, it was not great.
But I know like even during the meet and greet
having conversations with you guys, it really means a lot to me that you would come to
this show and be so passionate about the show and spread the word and I know
producer Chris and I were talking about it before the show that he feels the
same way. Absolutely. So guys thank you all so much for coming out. Thanks for
Central Park Performing Arts Center for having us.
We're going to be hanging out.
We're going somewhere after the show.
Where are we going, Royce?
Royce, I'm going to put you on the spot.
Titty bar.
I'm going to put you on the spot, Royce.
Where are we going for beers?
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Where are we going for beers after this?
Hold on, I'll tell you in a second.
Give me a second.
All right.
We got a phone.
I wasn't ready. I was just watching.
I know, I apologize.
No, I got it, I got it.
Check this out.
I'm ad-libbing.
Do some crowd work.
I heard it's good, do crowd work.
Sir, what's your occupation?
Where are you from?
Come on!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Let's see, let's see.
Here it is, here it is.
It's called Niagara Tap. So it's here, somewhere around here.
Is that a good spot?
I don't know.
I don't know.
But it's, look, hey man, if you got a better idea,
but that's what I found.
They have food and they have booze.
And they're open?
And they're open for free.
And they're open for free.
I'm sold.
So 3 a.m.
Niagara Tap.
Guys, come over and hang out with us at Niagara Tap,
all right?
Thank you so much.
Arrr, arrrr, arrrr, arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hit right watch a carly okay guess what this is the episodes oh go fuck
yourselves have a good week I gotta. Goodbye. That was a great episode!
That was really great!
Man, that was a good episode.
That was a good episode.
I enjoyed that.
It's a bunch of crap.