Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Cool Guy Christmas w/ Mike Bridenstine | Your Mom's House Ep. 739
Episode Date: December 20, 2023Did you miss our new YMH Special “69 Minutes?” You can still watch it NOW at https://69minutes.ymhstudios.comSPONSORS:-Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice....'Tis the season to be a cool guy! This week Tim and Christine open the show with a Christmas wish and have some serious opinions on cottage cheese. They also review a batch of wonderful new cool guys, discuss scents, and admire what Christina's doing with her hair.We then welcome comedian Mike Bridenstine! He's got a new book out "The Perfect Amount of Wrong: The Rise of Alt Comedy on Chicago's North Side" and this leads to an in-depth conversation about the heavy hitters he came up with. Names like TJ Miller, Kumail Nanjiani, and Hannibal Buress are just few of the comedians who made the alt comedy scene in Chicago what it was. They also talk about crazy drivers, dumb tourists, throuples, watering plants with period blood, little people, power washing fat people, and some hilarious TikToks curated by Christina P!https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://christinaponline.com/tour-dateshttps://store.ymhstudios.com/https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast
Transcript
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Hey Mark. Hey Tom.
Thanks for coming.
Do you use a wash cloth?
No.
Come on the face. Is it good for the skin?
Absolutely not.
If it gets to the point where I have to take a shit on this thing,
I'm hoping it explodes.
That's pretty.
Specifically for cleaning the house.
And I'd for thought of that.
This on me beat me.
If I were this to wake up my children,
it would be immediate therapy.
A lot of men doing it is nothing to be ashamed of.
This is awesome.
What is awesome?
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
This is going to push you.
Heavy dissuanton-consensual ass playing.
So the whole family share one bar so.
Yeah, and you would put it in your ass.
That's disgusting.
Interesting.
This hurt me to not believe that racism is not involved with this.
I'm not awesome here.
I'm Whitney.
I'm Duncan.
You also got really fucking dressed up.
I'm so happy we actually got to connect.
I'll try it out.
In case you missed it, you can stream 69 minutes now
at YMHStudios.com.
Did you hear people say Chicago a lot?
Never once.
I heard it in the bedroom, and I'll take it in our bedroom.
We're just tied.
All right, this is officially too much for this show.
This is a heavy segment topic.
By the way, people always used to tell me
that we looked alike.
All the time.
I used to hate it.
Yeah, I don't hate it as much anymore.
Oh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Welcome to your mom's house.
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Tron out.
Hey.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Thank you so much for tuning into another episode
of your mom's house.
It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
Also a huge, huge shout out to everybody who joined us for 69 minutes.
We're all very, very thankful and we're still celebrating.
And yeah, if you haven't yet seen it, go out to ymhstudios.com.
And you can watch it over and over
with your ticket until December 29th, I believe, so you can just keep watching it and share it,
tell your friends, a lot of people worked really hard on it,
hope you enjoy it.
Gene, where are you gonna be?
I know you have dates, where are you gonna be?
Well, first of all, Jesus Christ.
I just want you guys to know, I'm just hitting limited cities
because you, my friend, are going to be going everywhere. Not so much though. No, no, no, you're
gonna come. I'm not coming so much. I'm, uh, no, I, I, I count a date. Like if you
look at the month, you count the month, it's like one month, there's six shows.
One month, there's eight shows. It's nothing insane like last time. Good. You
don't want to. There's no Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
Sunday, weeks like last time. It's literally weekend.
That was horrible year, couple years for our family, for your health, for everything.
So I'm glad you're not doing that because I like having that.
Yeah, and thank you. I like having a life and a family and everything.
The family is cool. Any who it is, ChristinaPionline.com. I'm finally, and I'm so pumped,
spending more time in Canada, my birth country.
Renewing that Canadian passport.
It's been real dope.
I'll be doing Vancouver at the Vogue Theater.
I'm sorry.
February 16th.
And then the next night I'll be in Meat Rattle,
Washington.
That's where I filmed.
Was it my first special, right?
And then now I came back, I added an early show.
Because we sold out very quickly, the early show,
guess what, they were like, do you wanna do a late show?
I'm like, no, I wanna do like a five-piece.
An early show, yeah.
And that's what I'm doing.
And then I go to San Francisco, Palace of Fine Arts Theatre,
February 18th, tickets are going fast.
And then, Judeo-Arctitis, at the Gram the grammar see where I filmed my second special March 23rd. And we added a show
there too and then Ridgefield Playhouse and Ridgefield come netacunt March 24th
18th. Also, it is not too late. To order your perfect red lip stick for the woman
in your life, for Christmas, you You should do that for juniors or wherever
And that's it.
TNPOnline.com
Yeah, there you go try it out try it out
Love that look. Oh, I haven't even listen. I mean, I'll tell you what Christina P's perfect red
It did so well that I am, I am adding three new colors.
That's awesome.
We'll be ready for a minute.
We're working with Italy right now.
Italy.
And the Atelier and I'm adding, you'll see, oh, and now some of the time is right.
Great.
And it's a GL man.
That's awesome.
Where are you coming?
Uh, where am I?
So you're coming, you're not coming everywhere.
No, not really.
Um, it's totally, it's different. It really is. If you look at the, No, not really. It's totally, it's different.
It really is.
If you look at the tour, so I start,
the tour starts actually officially in Havai,
December 30th, and then it's Tokyo Hong Kong Singapore,
then back to the States,
and then Corpus Christi, Albuquerque, Omaha,
then we go to Reading P.A.
And Choma, you know, you're not even reading
those places.
Atlantic City, Hanover,
it's already February, right?
And then there's only a few dates.
Then you do Portland, Maine.
That's it for February, March, Manchester, New Hampshire,
Mojigan Son, San Antonio, Dallas, Galton,
then it's Orlando, St. Augustine, Tampa, Hollywood.
That's it for March, then March is over.
April, Salt Lake, Boise, Seattle, Portland, Oregon,
then Nashville, Charlotte, Raleigh, Atlanta, Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh.
People ask me by the way,
I feel like we say this every time we do tours.
How are you not doing this thing?
That's it. They're all going to be added. Some of How are you not doing this? And that's it.
They're all going to be added.
Some of them are already booked.
They just haven't been announced.
You don't want to announce all of it at once
because it's crazy to announce.
Like, hey, here's the show next November.
So you just kind of, you do it in segments.
Can you scroll over?
What was that place called?
Hanover?
What would that one be?
Man?
Man Rover?
Man-Boner?
Man-Boner?
Man-Boner, generally.
Yeah.
Hand.
Oh yeah, and then Bart and I are doing the MGM
Grand Garden Arena on February 10th,
the Saturday before the big game.
You're not allowed to say to what, what that game is. game. You're not allowed to say-
To what, what that game is.
Yeah, you're not allowed to do that.
That's trademarked, that's what they-
Yeah, and they're aggressive.
Sure.
Yeah, so you have to go, the big game is the next day.
So fun.
One, two of the final teams from professional football
will compete.
Yeah.
So silly.
It's really crazy.
They really go last year.
Oh, and you're going to the other Portland.
Yeah, I'm doing Portland main and Portland, Morgan.
And I made that a point.
I said, you better book me in both Portland.
You like the feeling like I'm so much.
I get you.
Man, Chester, man, man, spreader.
Man, man, comment, Chester.
Okay, so we can move on.
Thanks a lot for doing that.
Fallest, Texas, we know that one.
Yeah.
Okay, so it's very exciting.
How about being that Christmas is just a few days away?
Oh my God, Jesus is on.
We do a nice, sweet opener.
Yes, of course.
This is a Christmas spirit.
Of course.
Ready? Here we go.
All I want for Christmas is Hayley
I Hayley I'm gonna throw up
I don't like that. I don't bring anyone loving to this.
What do you want? Get smiles. I figure that's the last thing you see before you die.
Look up and it's a guy going. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Woo.
That is literally what a victim has been kept hostage sees right right before night night.
I agree.
He goes, are you still in there?
I hate him.
And you look up and you're like, oh,
oh,
I hate him.
The only cool thing is, is that this is public knowledge so that when bodies do go missing,
you know, exactly.
Like the FBI is already clocked this guy.
Like he's already on, on so many lists, hopefully for weirdos.
That's a good thing about the year of webs,
all the Weirdos get on there and make themselves public.
Yeah.
I don't like him at all.
And Haley doesn't like him either.
Nobody fucking likes him.
Well, I don't know.
He is a group of girls in his bio
that are his biggest fans.
Okay.
His name is Barry.
Of course.
Hi, Barry.
You know what's interesting though about Barry's? Yeah. There's always, there's
this guy existed, exists your whole life as a girl. He exists since you're in grade school. And then
in junior high school, berries there. But usually they end up being gay guys, right? Like from
beginning, like the weird guy in my junior high,
just it was like gay guy.
He's like a feminine kind of weird guy.
And they're like, oh, he's just gay.
And then it goes to college and you're like, oh, okay.
He's not so gay.
He lives at home with his folks.
He's on the spectrum.
He's weird guys.
He's weird guys everywhere.
And the problem is, is women were, you're nice to people and you just shouldn't be.
Yeah.
You just shouldn't be nice.
Don't be night, don't worry about them.
He's fine.
He's going to leave on a smarter girl.
You got that down pat, by the way.
Do I?
Boy, do I?
I've learned that from spending time with you.
Well, you can't, me, I, I'm going to credit the city of Los Angeles growing up in a
major city like that.
You learn real quick, not to fucking talk to strangers.
You put the big sunglasses on, nothing to see here,
don't fucking talk to me, glasses.
You don't even look at me.
And I love to be nice to everybody,
but no thanks, Tom Hanks.
I've seen it, you have a real like,
who's this fucking thing going on?
Yeah, look at this drunk.
You're always like, yep, you know what I mean?
You don't think the best of humanity.
No, and also I would like to thank my Eastern European
heritage for that as well.
Yeah.
It's just also cultural, I believe you're taught
to just have to stay in for people.
Nice part in your hair.
Kind of, I'm so, I'm shocked you noticed.
Why?
I just thought you didn't, you would never notice and I didn't want to say anything to you and I can't shocked you noticed. Why? I just thought you would never notice and I didn't want to say anything to you and I can't
believe you noticed.
Yeah, I noticed.
Thank you for noticing.
Sure.
Also, you know how fucking retarded I am?
Is that?
Yes.
But what do you want to hear how more retarded I am?
Sure.
Do you know that I've been side-part parting my hair since I was 15 years old?
This is good.
15, a hold on.
Yeah.
So today I had a stylist come to do it and I go,
gosh, I really try a hair partner.
She goes, well, we can try it today
and I go, wait a minute.
I don't have to do anything special.
Like, I don't have to recut it or do it.
She's like, no, no, we just part it.
And I was like, how does that work?
You mean, it's, tell me, I could have just done this my whole life.
Yeah, how does it work?
How does it move in the car?
All she does is she just, she takes her comb
and she makes a new part and then you just style it accordingly.
I thought I had to go get a whole new haircut
because it's parted and cut differently.
You didn't know any of this?
How do you not know that?
Like, I told you, I'm fucking retarded.
I can talk about other things in the world.
You wanna talk about the aliens, I know all about that.
No, I don't.
You wanna talk about some philosophy books?
I know that, but for some reason, girl stuff,
basic girl stuff.
So you had no idea.
I'm an idiot.
Looks great.
Thanks, pal.
I don't know if I'll keep it.
We'll see.
Yeah, just see how it goes. It doesn't feel like me. It feels like it's pretty easy to change if you don't want to keep it
That's a good part
That's the good side. I can switch it over the comb watch this we're back. We're back. Yeah, it's all with it
Is that crazy? Yeah, I'm I don't know. I thought there was a special procedure
I'm gonna maybe I defile paperwork with a department of airlines. I know, I know, I know, you think that this is a joke, but I'm still going to, I will
remain an advocate of you shaving your head for as long as you live.
Yeah, you brought this up last night.
Yeah.
Why?
I think it would look good.
I think it would look good.
I think, I honestly think the skull that would look good, but a full head shave would
look rad.
Seriously. I'm not opposed to it. I'd do it once in a while. I've had a Mohawk. I did it as a teenager.
I'm not. I'm not afraid. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I mean, do it. Yes.
For what? What are you going to give me? Give you joy. You're going to feel joy when you do it.
But what if my head shaped funny? I'll find out. We'll find out. Yeah, also it grows back.
It does grow back.
I'm not so vain about that.
You don't have my issue.
What is your issue?
It's not going to grow back.
I'll call him a robot.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, it takes a few years before I would get hair again.
It's fine.
What's a few years?
Can I tell you, I also don't like having super, super short hair because I feel it's
disproportionate with my body because I have huge tits. So I can't if I have a I feel
like I have a tiny little pin head and then a huge tits. You have to be honest. I mean,
but you're a comedian. That's funny. Don't think so. I think so. I'm gonna look like Nell
Carter. Remember she has a bald head and then huge fucking tits. That's funny though.
You're gonna go on stage. People are like, how funny she looks. That's great.
All right, shit, I might try it.
Yeah, let's do it.
You wanna do it now?
No.
Not for the holiday.
I don't wanna look all, I was scared.
Oh, there's always a reason not to do that.
We're about in the summertime.
Summer.
Perfect time for a head shape.
Actually, it doesn't matter.
Summer cuts.
Yeah, you wanna do like a dog cut?
That's what, that's what what these two boys in my elementary school
as Josh Potter would say, they would get summer cuts
and their parents would shave their heads like dogs.
Yeah.
And I felt so bad for those two boys.
Would you imagine just shaving your kids head
for the summer like what is wrong with you?
I used to love that though.
What shaving?
Well, I just like if you you had when I had hair and
It got to summer and you're like oh, I can just buzz this all off and it's so hot outside. It is like a relief
I'm not even about it. No, you're getting me to think about it. Yeah, it feels good
You're not gonna be attracted to me when it's growing out. What are you talking about? It's not attractive. I love guys
Oh, yeah, what I look like
Do you know how cool that looks right there? I'm sure the rest of it. Oh, I know. I look kind of tight, dude. Yeah
Yeah, Ben Franklin's out. Yeah, I mean yeah genius. Yeah, I'm not afraid of it
You get open with a bit about Ben Franklin
I would like to tape a special soon though. Where the skull it.
And maybe in a year.
That's not gonna look good.
Here's the thing.
Do you know what your views of everyone be like,
have you seen this bitch?
She's gonna spoil the shit.
Where the skull it?
Like they're gonna be like,
you broke all the view.
For everyone be like,
you gotta see this.
This is maniac.
Yeah.
I can do a mohawk.
Yeah, even better. No, I know. I like that one.
Mohawk. Can I tie my secret? But old school where you like really? No, I know. That's what I like.
What I really want to look like. Can you Google Cindy Lopper time after time, the video?
Can I get, would you be opposed to me seeing me with this haircut? This is my dream from when I was a little girl.
Ah, see the checkerboard on the side.
And she's got the shaved.
She was so cool.
That's what I wanna look like.
What do you mean?
Right there?
Yeah, dude, she looks red.
She's cool, shit.
She looks like she smells right there.
No way.
No?
She don't smell.
It's a new opera never smell.
Oh, I feel like there's a funk.
I'm gonna smell it through the screens.
Stop.
What?
She don't think that's a stinky chick right there?
She's tiny.
She's petite.
Petite people don't stink.
Okay.
Not tiny people.
I've been with some stinkin' rice.
That's some big fatso's.
I've been with some stinky people.
Well, that's big.
Oh, they were just little stinkers.
Hahaha.
Hahaha. Hahaha. Everybody in there knows what I'm talking about.
Mayas?
Mayas have all been with fucking dirty bitches?
Of course.
Of course.
Of course they have.
You're really luck out when you find a clean one.
Most chicks are like, you're like, watch yourself you find a clean one.
Most checks are like, you're like, watch yourself, you dirty little bitch.
Are you being serious?
I can't tell.
And by the way, that's like every girl's worst nightmare.
Is having a coach stink and then you guys talk about it.
Cause we're so, you're so sensitive about that.
And then, oh my God, it's like, if some girl that was,
that dated you, was listening to this, she'll be like,
oh my God, is it me?
Yeah, it is.
My pose he stinks.
Yeah, it is, you're stinky little shit.
Here's the good news though.
Is that obviously guys don't care?
No, they don't.
No, but it does like, they're all doing it.
No, no, you don't, I mean, you're still,
you're not gonna like, leave.
But there is a thing where you're like,
You don't, I mean, you're still, you're not gonna like, leap,
but there is a thing where you're like,
I guess I'm not gonna go down much longer.
You know, I'm not really into that
and you find your way back up.
Hahaha.
So glad I'm at a lesbian.
Ah, how do you think lesbian
still with that all the time?
But you deal with it too with balls?
Oh, it's disgusting.
Stinky balls.
All the time. All the time.
All the time.
Well, especially.
Come on.
Mr. Fitness over here.
I cleaned my nuts.
Hey, what happened to Mr. Cold Punch?
Oh, yeah, I have a cold punch.
Oh, yeah.
Where's that midlife crisis thing happening?
Where is it?
I'll do it today.
Oh, okay.
Do it as soon as I get home.
All right.
Yeah, I was doing it in the mornings, you're right.
Okay.
Yeah, how do lesbians, like I think about it every now and then,
where I'm like, imagine like you always have to go down
on a box, as is your primary thing.
What's wrong with that?
Cause straight people, like we have this lucky,
like plug and play thing.
Oh, you can just switch it up.
Just like plug in the parts and like you don't have to be,
sometimes if you're not in the mood even,
you can just plug a part in and then you done.
Yeah.
But to go down on somebody I'm not saying that's all as beans do I understand there's
other things they do with each other.
But that's your primary thing.
All the time that's exhausting.
Maybe.
But if you are just thrilled to always do it then it's not.
All right.
I guess so. Right.
It just sounds labor intensive.
I get it.
Yeah.
Sometimes I like to want my face involved right now.
Right.
Like, what if you're feeling full?
You just took a tum.
I can't even know what I want to eat a box, right?
But at that point, you know, a finger or a toy?
Right.
Right.
I know.
Listen, I'm not an expert on lesbian sex.
I just toy my stupid brain. That's how I, for some reason, I have a dialed in because I look, I know. I know. Listen, I'm not an expert on lesbian sex. I just tell you my stupid brain.
That's how I, for some reason I have a dialed in because I look, I'm very binary in my thinking.
It's either or I either have a side part or nothing. Yeah. I just can't, you know.
I'm very binary. Yeah. I'd like to see you in a lesbian relationship too. I would rather not.
the unit lesbian relationship too. I would rather not.
Okay, you know, I was, the older I get,
I was walking down the beach over Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
And I was looking at older ladies alone with their dogs.
Yeah.
Just walking kind of quiet.
And I was like, this is, I get it.
Women, the older we are, we're sick of taking care of people.
I had the kids, the husband, sick of it. I want to be alone with a dog. You know what I mean?
Sure, I want to be a lesbian. I don't want to be anything. I bet I can show you somebody who'll make you change your
Mind maybe not about being a lesbian, but maybe getting back in the mix with things ready
Enter the dating pool again
My homie cowboy hook me up with her we fucking soon love her tits. I'll see you soon baby.
Gotta love when a homie pulls through, you know what I'm saying? I haven't even met this girl.
Um, but my homie's hookin' me up so, uh, yeah, we definitely fuckin' want to meet her.
But, uh, yeah. I'm excited. I'm excited to actually meet her.
You know, we can hang down, you know, shoot the shit for a while before, you know.
We get down to business. That's how I roll with females, man.
I love it.
I love this.
You know what? Here reminds me of, you got Tony Jones vibes,
ladies, man, and then what's going on?
It's Charles because it's a very awkward video.
It's got a lot of fun.
Yeah, but really it's got Tony John's vibes.
And you know he's one of my favorite cold guys.
Yep, pretty cool.
It's still going ready.
And then I'll give you the big reveal. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it.
I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. I'm not gonna get it. to get her in the sack.
What the fuck?
He's got a good hair part too, like you.
The beast of Alaska.
The beast of Alaska.
It's Alaska.
It's got great hair, really incredible hair, right?
Yes.
I mean, the hair is just...
Tremendous.
Outstanding.
Tremendous.
He's got, you know, he's takes care of himself.
He's in shape, right? Sure. Very confident. We've seen this guy before.
We've seen him before. You want to know where? Yeah. Here's the video that we actually saw him on
before on this show.
this show.
This fucking stupid ass bitch trying to fucking tell you yeah yeah you shouldn't record me when I'm dancing on the Dan Floor bitch shut the fuck up bitch don't fucking tell me what to do. I'm a goddamn man stupid assho
I'll do whatever the fuck I want to do because I'm a goddamn man if I want to record you on the goddamn Dan Floor
I'm gonna fucking record you on the goddamn Dan Flo, I'm gonna fucking record you on the goddamn Dan floor.
Shut the fuck up and carry on.
Stupid as hell.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's him.
Yeah, they don't make sense now.
That's kind of cool though.
He's a little more subdued in the other video.
Well, he's about to fuck.
He knows it.
He's a calm guy.
He's a bitch move about the fucker.
Yeah.
And here, he's a little frustrated because somebody had the audacity to say don't record me.
Well, amped up.
He also has like, am I wrong?
Like good skin.
Really good skin.
Great.
Eyebrows.
Great mouth.
Full eyebrows.
Smooth chest.
I gotta say man, whatever you're doing looks great.
Keep doing it.
I thought you were gonna say that he's a tramp.
I know you did, I know you did.
No.
How did you know?
Cause I could just, I can read you.
I tell you, so what gave that impression was that the chest up looked masculine, but
then his body from below looked a little soft.
Oh my god, damn man.
Yeah.
Feminine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is the, see like the stomach.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh, maybe he's a Trans person cuz that room is yeah
What is that room is I'll say that's the rooms a disaster
Is that a cat?
Cat play air a PlayStation for the cat and also for dinner boxes out to I've been this guy like I've been
The guy yeah, yeah, the mattress on the floor and everything.
But to be fair, I was 21, 22.
Sure.
I think as you get older, if your life becomes I fuck hose
and you're aging, you have to update the seren-
Right, like the place has to be.
Well, for sure.
If he wants to bring a lady back to his place.
That's a horrible setup.
First of all, I do think the cat is literally
only legitimate critique of you.
I mean, you're a cat guy.
Is that a litter box that's just out in his room?
It's not just a litter box.
It's a litter box filled with shit.
Let me tell you, that room smells like dog shit.
It's horrible.
I mean, that'll, that room smells like dog shit. It's horrible. I mean, that'll let you catch it.
Yeah, the room full of cat shit smells.
It's crazy.
Here's the thing.
There's nothing else worth criticizing you about.
Literally, you are perfect in every sense of it.
But we've gotta update your room, man.
We gotta get some something on the walls.
You got these bare walls.
Put the cat box in the bathroom, right?
We've got a orange light coming from something
in the background, and there's just shit all over your floor.
And yeah, you gotta empty the litter box.
That is it.
Once you do that, you are perfect.
Fallas.
It is Alaska though.
You might be depressed because there's no sunshine.
Yeah. Yeah. What is this? Is that the noise guys? It's Alaska though. He might be depressed because there's no sunshine. Yeah.
Yeah.
What is this?
Is that the noise guy's gonna flex?
It's flexing.
As he's flexing noise.
Oh.
Yeah.
He's a sweet guy.
Man.
He's a cool guy.
Yeah.
I also love that he was like,
and this is the chick I'm gonna,
my friend would be up,
we're definitely gonna fuck.
He's so sorry.
Like there's no, this chick I'm gonna, my friend would be up, we're definitely gonna fuck. He's so sorry.
Like there's no, there's no, she has no say in there.
He's like, I'm fucking her.
We definitely fucking what I mean.
When I meet her, yeah, cool.
Well, I would love to get an update from her.
If there's any way to track her down,
if anybody saw that photo.
There's like 10 people in Alaska, get her.
If anybody saw this and knows who this is,
please for the love of God, have this woman contact us.
I'm begging you.
I'm begging you.
Yeah, he's like, we fucking soon love her tits.
I'll say it like, dude, bro.
And also if you're hurt for that, for like somebody
to use your photo, there's there's like you see this person
Nice tits. I'll fuck you in a minute
It's so disrespectful. It's so it's crazy. Oh, Jesus man Merry Christmas everybody. Geez
That's so good. I don't know dude. No
It's just wild. I never kicked it with dudes like this, you know?
Why not?
No, I'm not.
I'm not kicked it with you.
You want to see another cool guy for Christmas?
Maybe.
Merry Christmas.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Cardinal?
I know escape from reality!
Open your eyes!
Look up to the skies and see!
I heard it's watching.
I just a poor boy!
Alright, dude. I know a whole boy. All right, dude.
I know exactly what's going on here.
I know exactly what's going on here.
He wants praise.
He wants people to be like,
because there's people who can't do any of that.
And he's like, look what I can do.
Look what I can do.
This is look what I can do.
It's like when your little boys are like,
watch me do this.
Let me make a move by ya. Yeah. Watch me spin in a circle and they go like I know they
spin just to go. He wants us to say look at your incredible dental work. Yeah, look at
your teeth and look at those notes you can hit and the way you can do that. But here's
a deal, man. All I can see is how hard it is for him to sing like that. We're huge fans
of Cheney crab. You know, the singer, she sings a hardcore.
That's a professional, man.
This is the look.
That's a pro.
She gave us a tutorial.
He's just going to ruin his body.
Apparently, he does this, though.
He does a lot of song covers.
I'm concerned for his vocal cords and his body.
I don't know, he does it a lot, but he's definitely hitting those notes.
He's got a good self.
And he's definitely looks really aggressive.
Well, and he's got the prayer beads around his neck.
I don't think he needs to meditate a little more.
You don't think I can pull that off?
What?
Prayer beads, like as a look.
I can't wait for you to be a low-teaking.
I've told you this.
I want, I can't wait for your levels to drop
and you get into meditation and yoga with me.
We'll just say something.
When the levels drop, the injections will go up.
There's no fucking chance in hell.
I want you to be like sting.
Maybe we turn vegan together and this next weird phase of our
life. Thank you all.
I'll always be in if that's what you want.
We moved to Hawaii.
Yeah.
You don't want to do yoga retreats with me.
I want to do different kind of stuff.
I want to do this kind of shit right here
That's why it's dig and balls. Yeah his fallacy. He's hanging his whole body
It's always the Asians that are into this. Have you noticed that the Asians are always into getting their nuts kicked like the
The monks and stuff. Mm-hmm. What why are the Asians into doing stuff with their decimals?
Feels like you're tearing all kinds of stuff in there though, right?
Lingam. Well, I think I'm getting ripped apart.
I think it's a sign of virility and strength and dominance and I like it. You do?
You must bow down to our new Chinese. I do. I think it's hot. I think you should start working on this.
Forget the cold plunge. I want you to start learning how to hang by your lingam.
Oh,
could you do
That would fucking I
Definitely can't handle that at all
First of all, I'm too girthy. There's not even
Road big enough to handle all this meat.
All right.
Did you even try to?
Hell no.
None of that appeals to me.
No, this is insanity.
I don't know why the Asians dig this shit so much.
I do feel like we do see a lot of Asians in it.
They love it.
They love having bricks put in their nuts and monks kicking nuts and pulling on the
nuts.
They like to suffer. Even these Tibetans, you ever see them the monks they
go out and they put like a wet sheet on themselves naked in the middle of
winter and they stay warm. They try to use their breath and their mind and stuff.
They love to harm themselves these Asians. This is what it's all about. The self fucking, you know, harm.
Yeah.
They use their minds.
Their minds are powerful, Tom.
Yeah, and that's true.
That is actually the lesson in that all of this is your mind control.
You can deal with a lot more than you think you can deal with,
but they're just, they're spitting on the West is what they're doing.
Every time that's right, they're dicks are spitting on you.
He's pissing on you. He's saying, he's spitting. It's is what they're doing every time that's right. They're dicks are spitting on you
Yeah, he's saying it's spit. It's spit. It's not pissed
He's spitting through his deck. You fucking weak Westerners. You see me
Yes, I'm doing my whole body's hanging from my not my dawn right now. Fuck your capitalism bitch. Yeah, look at us
Dominate you. Yeah, power dude strength
Do you know what the fuck they're doing? They totally do. Agents, man. They just are more advanced. Always.
Can I I have something I'd like to bring up before we break for our guests? Okay.
I wanted to eat I hate even Jeff foods that you're embarrassed to eat and
That you will only eat in private. That's how embarrassed you are to eat them.
I mean, yeah, I guess so.
Like what?
No, I just, I think I feel like any real, decadent indulgence is usually like a private one,
right?
I mean, that's what I'm saying.
It's like, this isn't good for you.
You feel shame that like
you're eating this bad treat. It's usually not a public display. Usually sometimes it is. So like
of what a hot fudge brownie Sunday would cause you to eat alone. Yeah, anything like that. Yeah,
sweet treats. Sweet treats. I'm trying to think of as if there's anything where I'm like, I don't
want anyone seeing this. Oh my god. Okay, I'm gonna tell you mine. What? I'm just I'm trying to think of as if there's anything around like I don't want anyone seeing this. Oh my god. Okay, I'm gonna tell you mine.
What?
I'm just I'm running through my head like what it is, you know.
I'm trying to figure out.
I'm gonna tell you my words.
Okay, tell me yours.
I hate even the fucking word.
I hate the words.
I fucking hate them and I'm embarrassed to say them out loud because it's disgusting.
Yeah.
I hate eating cottage cheese.
Oh.
Ah.
Ah.
I hate saying it.
I hate eating it in front of people.
I like how it tastes.
I love the texture.
I love everything about it.
And I'm so mortified to say it or eat it in front of people.
Kind of say, I brought it with me to eat today in the studio.
Yeah. But as I was having my hair done, I was too embarrassed to take brought it with me to eat today in the studio. Yeah.
But as I was having my hair done, I was too embarrassed to take it out of my person, eat it in front
of another person.
Can I tell you something?
Good.
I think it's revolting.
It is.
It's probably.
It is.
I had it once when I was like, I'll throw up.
I'll throw the fuck up.
I'll puke all over this table.
And I love it.
You know what I like about it?
You can make it a sweet treat.
You can make it a savory treat.
Stop, I don't wanna talk about it.
I love it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
And I'll never eat it in front of another soul.
I can't eat it in front of people.
That, and I also feel very private about yogurt.
I think yogurt's a private treat.
I love yogurt. I have it over a priority for it. I love yogurt.
I've never had it.
And cut, I honestly, I kind of don't like watching you eat it.
Really?
I hate the way it leaves a trail on spoon.
Yeah.
You know, when you, in the middle of the day,
and how do our boys get this from you or something?
Well, they're like, I hate the smell of yogurt.
That's elusive.
I know, but he's like, stay over there.
I can't even smell it.
He hates yogurt.
So funny, I'm like, really?
He was, God, and smell, I'm feeling sick right now.
I'm like, I'm smelling yogurt.
He hates it.
He hates it.
He's like, I hate you, I'm like, I hate yogurt.
Okay, he likes yogurt. Yeah, he calls it magic yogurt, they're too. Okay, dude. He likes yogurt.
Yeah, liar.
He calls it magic yogurt
because they put strawberry jam in it.
And it gave it to when he said,
magic yogurt, yeah.
Like cottage cheese, it's the most,
what is it?
Can you just Google, like, I don't understand.
Almost killed him yesterday and then tell you that.
Which one?
Our five year old.
Why?
He pulled my shirt like this.
Ooh, he's being such a fucking asshole lately.
I know. But that's like, I think my pet feed with kids is a shirt pool. Of course,
are being physically hard. Are you sure? I go, I go, if you fucking pull my shirt again,
I'm going to knock your teeth out of your head. And he was like, he looked at me, he goes,
you're joking, right? I know, yeah, Joby.
I go stop fucking hitting, pull in my shirt.
I hate it too.
You know what I hate?
He's doing this thing now where he sings
the Gypsy King song, Joby Jabba.
Okay, and then it comes up behind me
and he puts one hand on one of my butt cheeks
and goes, Joby Jabba.
Joby Jabba to my butt cheeks.
Let's stop this.
I know.
Okay, what is cottage cheese?
Cottage cheese sometimes called pot cheese
is creamed acid coagulated fresh cheese.
That is low, that is low in acidity
and is wash, stirring, manufacture cottage cheese.
Yeah, I know what it, but what is it?
How is it made?
It's acid coagulated fresh cheese. I am going to throw up if we keep talking about this. I'm telling you right now, and I'm going to puke right on your lap.
Adding an acid to pasteurize milk, which causes a separation of the milk solids from the way.
Okay. Okay. I love it. I love the texture. I just love it.
I'll tell you.
But I won't eat it in front of a fucking living soul.
It's like private. Or could you imagine sharing cottage cheese with somebody?
Well, here, here's my spoon.
I really hate it so much. Please stop.
It's my least favorite.
It's actually my least favorite.
I know, I would argue that cottage cheese
is everybody's least favorite.
How about in the, the great, isn't it the most revolting?
This might be the most disgusting thing
we've ever talked about on the show.
Do you hate it?
I hate it.
I like it.
Of course, Chad does.
I like it, but I do eat it shamefully alone over the sink
from the way around. Thank you.
Thank you, smart Chad.
So fucking weird, of weird fucking Chad to do.
Why do you say thing?
I eat it privately.
Or in the, I take sometimes I hoard it in the bedroom
and I'll take it in our bedroom and just hide.
Alright, this is officially too much for this show.
This is a heavy segment topic. I don't want to ever talk about cottage cheese again in our bedroom and just hide. All right, this is officially too much for this show.
This is a heavy segment topic.
I don't wanna ever talk about cottage cheese again
and make a note of that.
All right, let's take a quick break.
I'm so excited for our guest.
And we're back and also back for the second time,
he was just here with his new book,
The Perfect Amount of Wrong.
It's about the Chicago Comedy scene from 1995 to 2009.
It is Mike Brydenstein, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me back.
You got a book, Tell Christine and what you just told me.
She wasn't there, but I was,
I've been on the show once before.
I was on episode 28.
No.
Is that Brian's red dance place?
What is this?
So this is like that British
Jerry's but every 750
You get to find out if any of the shit I was talking about in 2011 still happy
That was a while so that was deep in the valley. Yeah, he was living in Burbank
Yeah, the Burbank apartment that he yeah, that must have been where you did it
Yeah, I didn't like Ari's podcast there back in the day. Yeah, all Burbank apartment that he, yeah, it must have been where you did it. Yeah, I did it like Ari's podcast there back in the day.
Yeah, all of our...
Red Bang used to do like all of them.
Yeah.
He was like the producer of 10 podcasts, you know?
And he was just like, just come over
and everybody just show up and...
So I was asking him if anything
had like happened for you guys since then?
Everything, yeah, same, same, same.
Yeah, same, same, same.
What's crazy is this, I'm not a fan of Stan. Everything, yeah, same, same, same. Same, same, same. Same, same, same.
What's crazy is this, I didn't realize,
oh, I'm that pronger, it's on you.
Yeah, I mean, I remember,
how can I?
It's cool that you wrote this book
because I remember I moved to LA in 2002
and started stand up that year.
Yeah.
And then slowly, I remember needing all these guys, right?
Like that, and you're like,
where are you from Chicago, Chicago?
And it was like this slow realization,
like, oh, there's just like this crew.
And you guys all kind of knew each other, right?
Yeah, the scene was super small.
There, Zaynese was the only club on the north side,
and they were like, you guys don't even get an open mic.
All the clubs closed in 95 when stand-up stopped being popular,
so there was one club left,
and they did not nurture a local scene.
Everybody who was there,
probably to do second-city,
had to start in bar shows.
And there was 50 dudes and eight women.
So that's why we kind of all knew each other.
And then when we moved,
Bronner and Kyle had been out in LA for a while.
So they kind of like knew us from going,
but there weren't that many,
but all of them kind of tight.
Yeah.
So like when you got here,
you're like, oh, I know Kyle and Matt
have my back kind of thing. Yeah.
Yeah.
We owe them a lot.
Really?
Yeah, they were very, I know you through Brawnger I want to say.
Mm-hmm.
Because you guys have done new faces around the time that I moved.
We did.
I also vividly remember the first time that I met Brawnger, he was visiting L.A. and it was
at her show, your show at Tangier. He came in and he was like,
he was wearing a blazer and he had that big smile.
And I was like, who's this fucking asshole?
Like as he was so, like, hi, how are you know how it like,
like he greeted like this big cheerful greeting.
Yeah, it's guys way too happy, you know.
I remember meeting him like that.
Yeah.
And he was super, I, yeah, I became friends with him,
but like I remember him coming to Tangier.
I think he was like in town, you know,
just checking it out actually.
Yeah.
And maybe asked for a spot.
I remember, oh my gosh.
And I remember because I wasn't
wronger on a TV show at the time.
Well, eventually it was not a Matt TV.
That was later.
That was later.
So I just heard that this guy was super funny.
And he just had such word of mouth credibility
and he was just, man.
He would come back to Chicago and people would always be like,
you gotta see this guy.
And I would be like, okay.
Because at that time, Kumail was there.
TJ Miller was there, Pete Holmes was there. So, TJ Miller was like, their Pete Holmes was there.
So when people would come back, like,
I wasn't impressed, he came back and he did,
like, he had this closer that he did, like,
an owl impression.
He had a owl bit!
So good!
And he got a standing ovation.
Good.
And this is like Chicago crowds,
we're back in the day where if you said you were
from Los Angeles and you went to Chicago,
people were like, fuck you.
Yeah, of course. Anyway, it's like the whole crowd.
Everyone hates Angelina.
Pretty universally hated.
Yeah, across the board hated.
But he came back and so it was,
if he or Cnaine came back or John Roy came back,
it was like a big deal.
Yeah, that's right, John.
And then who's, because like, forgive me for not knowing.
But didn't like, you guys have somebody who,
everybody like in your, in this click,
everybody was like, in this click,
everybody was like, this dude's really funny.
And he died.
Pat Bryce was his name.
That was his name, okay.
Pat Bryce, see, we all knew TJ,
of the people that I was in this,
Bronner and Kyle were a little ahead of me.
And of my crew, everybody knew TJ was gonna be famous first.
It was just, he had everything going,
he booked a pilot, he had everything going. He booked like a pilot.
He was, he had everything going on.
I remember that too, because I had the same manager as TJ.
Yeah.
And I love this.
I love to tell you this.
I'm at, so for people that don't follow, you know, in, in stand, I think it's, it's
actually calm down now, but there was a time where you're only, you thought the biggest thing
in the world would be to get the just for laughs festival.
Right.
In Montreal.
Or Aspen at that time.
Or Aspen.
And that everything happens there.
And so when you get it, you're like, holy shit, like I'm on my way.
Like this is what it is.
So I go to that in 2007.
And I'm a part of the new faces thing with Bronquer, Nikki Glazer, I don't know, a couple other people
that are in this thing.
And there's different shows,
so we don't all have to say.
Barcatsies and yours are now.
Was Barcatsie in mine?
I don't think so, I'd remember that.
Okay.
But I'm in the, there's a lot of ride shares, right?
Like transpose a whole thing at these festivals that have cities.
So you're always kind of in the lobby, at the curb side,
and there's multiple vans, and they're like,
are you doing this, you jump in with these people?
So you're always like,
because you don't know where anything is, right?
And Montreal's kind of laid out like that.
Also, if you're a new face, they hide you
in a different hotel.
You're lying.
So everything is happening at the, the, the,
the height or like the different hotel. You're lying. So everything is happening at the, the, the, the,
the height or like the main hotel.
The new faces are like in a hostile, like,
blocks away from like this old period before people
had the internet and like could just see these guys
clips of them on the.
Sure.
So we're, but we're in this, uh, I go do what one of my,
I do one of the new faces shows.
Yeah.
And you're just like, uh, you know, I hope,
I hope my life changes.
You don't know what's gonna happen.
And I'm writing with my manager.
And he goes, he's like, it was good, right?
Good, yeah, says whatever thing he goes,
you know, it was gonna be huge.
Oh my God.
It was gonna be a star.
I'm like, there you go.
Who? And he goes, TJ go, who?
And he goes, TJ Miller, he's fucking, he's got it.
He's gonna be the, I was like, good, good for him.
Yeah, look at me.
I was like, I'm riding with you, you asshole.
It's like that's slide to me.
George Shapiro, like, this is Orny Adams
to his face and comedian.
But yeah, so TJ, we knew he was gonna be first,
like it seemed like Kumail was up there,
but this guy Pat Bryce, first of all,
he was cooler than all of us.
Like all of us were big dorks who like,
no, you guys were like the cool kids, you're talking about.
Not there.
Oh, Ellie.
But Pat had like a natural coolness to him.
Yeah, women wanted to fuck him,
and we all wanted to be him.
And he was the funniest.
And then he went, he passed away in 2007.
I think that that was the moment
that a lot of us were like, fuck.
Like, life is short, let's fucking go to LA.
So that's when you saw like a big wave of people
like move out in like 2000.
Like with that waste time.
Seven, yeah.
Like people, I wasn't doing comedy during 9-11
like right after. And I don doing comedy during 9-11,
like right after, and I don't remember if 9-11
made me do comedy, but a lot of people were like,
9-11 made a lot of people be like,
I, my job sucks, I could get,
my building could get hit by a plane,
I should go to an open mic.
And I think that that was like,
fuck that dude was like so talented,
he didn't get to do it, so.
How do you die?
Not sure, since when you don't know, it's never great to do it. How do you die? Not sure.
It's when you don't know, it's never great.
Oh.
But really?
Nobody knows.
Probably somebody knows, but I would guess drugs.
Yeah, I would guess.
But I, he was 29.
No.
Yeah.
So that was like devastating for the scene.
He was like, people always call them like our quarterback.
Like, and so.
Do they look up to him?
Yeah.
I always have really vivid memories
of seeing Kyle Kanane for the first time.
And being like, who's this fucking guy?
Where is he from?
Cause he's not from here.
And I remember he had this silly Joe.
It was such like a throw away.
It wasn't even a fully, but full bit.
He would take the mic court, wrap it around his bicep and he'd go, lift and spirit.
And then he laughed so much.
He's just so silly.
He's so fun.
Oh god, I was so jealous.
I was like, he's Chicago guy.
He was always cool as shit.
Yeah, he's cooler than everybody.
Yeah, he has a cool factor for sure.
Yeah, and no one talks like him either. No.
His voice also, his vocabulary, you know,
like it's kind of unexpected that like you realize,
you're like, oh, this guy, he's our reader.
He's got, he has a big word.
Yeah, it comes from all of those guys like Brawnger,
John Roy, Knained, they would tell me about this guy,
Dwayne Kennedy, that they all looked up to.
And I kind of consider him like the Banksy of Comedy.
Across the board, everybody who's seen this guy, Dwayne Kennedy,
is like, he's the greatest comedian of all time.
Like Chris Rock was like, supposedly said,
he was the best guy in New York when I was coming up.
Really?
Sarah Silverman is like, he should be a household name.
He kind of disappears from comedy from the late 80s, like appears in
Chicago in like the mid 90s and kind of Yoda's these like young guys and every now and then
he'd pop up and do like a letterman or pop up and do like a Kimmel and people would be like,
where the fuck does this guy do like to get him on a show? You had to fax his dad. What? Yeah, like Dwayne Kennedy.
Sounds about right.
There he is.
Yeah.
Sounds like a real comic.
Yeah.
It's how they all are.
Yeah.
It was like his dad?
Yeah.
Like so this was a guy that would,
he has a half hour on showtime.
He has letterman's, but no one's heard of this guy
and he doesn't want to be found.
Wow.
So it's like,
Is he still,
he'll do like the Lincoln lodge in Chicago
or he'll do,
he'll open for people.
He was, he has an Emmy for writing for Kamau Bell.
Like just like this.
So, Harry Kahn-Dabalu,
like and Kamau Bell,
like forced him to kind of put out an album in 2020
and it's called Who the Hell is Dwayne Kennedy.
And so it's like one of those things
that like if you know you know, but.
I had this.
Yeah, I got it.
Now I go on a check.
I don't want to download it.
This was the guy that kind of,
Kanane bombed his first time going up,
rethought he bombed and this guy took him aside
and was like, you should keep doing this
and he was like, well, fuck, if that guy told me,
I have to really keep going, then I do.
Those are like the comedy angels.
You know, when you're starting out and just,
it just takes that one upper class man
to say something remotely positive to you
and it changes your whole life.
It's so cool.
And you remember those compliments like forever.
Forever.
Yeah, let's say with you.
Either one of you walked up to some open-micro
and we're like, that was great.
Or that joke is funny
They will remember that the rest of their life that's unfunny bitch
Wow, oh my god, and then yeah Hannibal Hannibal
From that
Heavy hit I remember Hannibal also. Yep, in Cameras, Buzito's also.
Camerad.
Hannibal hit the scene though.
So good.
Well, you know the origins of it,
but what I remember is just somebody being like,
hey, did you see this guy on,
it was like Letterman or, or, I don't know,
one of the late night shows.
Yeah.
So I saw the set and I was like,
oh, that's really funny. Like it was like, the late night shows. Yeah. So I saw the set and I was like, oh, it's really funny.
Like it was like, this is really funny.
Yeah.
And then I was in Melbourne, Australia with him,
doing the Melbourne festival,
yeah, doing the shows every night.
And then everybody, so we were on the shows together.
It was him, me, and Moshe Cashier.
And people would come up to us,
and be like, have you seen that guy Hannibal?
He's great.
And I was like, yeah, I'm on the show with him.
You know who's gonna be here?
Chad!
Oh, God!
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then people would be like, oh man,
I saw Hannibal's set last night.
I was like, that means you saw my set too.
And he, yeah, but he was like just.
You know how many times in my life
somebody's walked up to the feature
and I could hear them and been like,
you should have headlined.
Yeah, of course, of course.
I think every, don't you worry,
or the worst is when you go pee and the audience is there.
I can hear them talking.
I wish they hated you.
I think you, I actually think it's almost worse though,
when you feature and someone does that, says it to you
and you know that you're like, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, shut up.
You're right, but shut the fuck up.
Yeah, pull me aside and tell me that.
Yeah, be it, yeah, this feels shitty.
Yeah, this feels bad, yeah.
Even, this is just my insecurity, but like I say,
I sell out like a big venue, and then the guy always,
the booker will be like, yeah, you know,
who did two sold out shows though?
So it's like, God dammit.
It never ends for you.
You fucking cut.
Like, let me have the one thing.
Yeah.
You fuck.
Treat me spesh today.
Yeah, just pretend or like, you know, it was really fun last week.
But, Christchurch.
And you're like, I'm not fine.
Did you see that?
They still say that to me.
Yeah, no, you get that.
I'd get, they go, I did something and they're like,
this is great.
Two shows at this venue is incredible.
And then you're like, awesome.
And they're like, she's pelted six.
Yeah.
And you're like, you mean the biggest comedian of all time?
Yeah, we know.
Yeah, we know.
We know.
Thank you.
Yeah, thank you for, thank you for pointing that out.
Yeah, I'm not number one all time.
Yeah, yeah, that's very cool.
Thank you.
There's always someone there.
When Hannibal started, he got new faces in 2006.
So he kind of, Robbie Pra, I've talked to him about this.
So Netflix's Robbie Pra saw in Hannibal before like anybody, he got it before all the people
that we mentioned.
So it was kind of like a shock for people at that point that he was, because he wasn't
considered one of the best at that point.
And he's, he got so good,
so fast that it kind of shocked people.
Yeah, I also remember it specifically, this thing, which I also thought was wild and it
and it came true, which is we were walking around Melbourne and we spent two weeks together
we're doing these shows for two weeks.
We're talking about just what's next kind of thing.
And I was like, yeah, I really wanna get the presents,
which is the half hour, the company's
such a half hour special, because that's the next step.
And I was like, don't you wanna do that?
And he was like, I think I'm just gonna skip that,
just go straight to an hour.
And I was like, what?
Like, who, how can someone do that?
I really was like, how can somebody, I was like, really?
Like, isn't that a crazy idea?
And he was like, mm-hmm.
And then, they did it.
And then he just did it.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna ruin Bill Cosby's life.
Oh my God.
Can I say something?
I was in Amsterdam recording something
with Brett Krasnter, Brett Krasnter,
and had all a few other comics back in the day for Showtime.
And I remember we did like warm-up sets the night
before you tape.
And I don't know if you know this,
but English is not their first language in Amsterdam.
So I was like, there's, dude,
this is fucking bomb city.
Like, what I'm just gonna eat, Dicks.
And of course I eat fucking Dicks.
Everyone's eating Dicks.
Hannibal Burris does not eat Dicks.
And he got up there, he was talking about you to sandwich
and then you take the pickled juice
and then it's sprinkled the pickled juice
and the people were just like falling down.
And this is like in another language,
this guy's question is gonna slower.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The first time I saw him destroy, it was still new to me.
I still hadn't seen him have like a killer set.
And he went up his zanies and he's like,
they have a chalkboard at the fire station.
He's like, so what do they do there?
You put, there's a fire.
You gotta put water on the fire.
And it was like, it was just like,
people were falling out of their seats,
like smacking the, and he had done,
it was a guest set too.
Like it wasn't, there was.
Super slow cadence.
Super slow and they were just like, slow down everybody.
Yeah, right? Yeah, super slow. Super slow cadence. Super slow and they were just like slow down everybody. Yeah, right?
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence.
Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super slow cadence. Yeah, super? Ron is like, you're doing bad, slow down. When you're doing good, slow down.
And it's great, but it's especially great
if you know what you're doing, you know, when it's good.
The crowd wants to think that you're driving the bus.
Yeah, of course.
That's like a Eddie Braille thing too.
He would like, if you think you're going too slow,
slow down.
Oh yeah, and you really need to say that.
You have to say like that too.
Yeah. Well you'd think about it too. You have to say that too. Yeah.
Well you need to think about it too.
We don't entertain people.
We don't entertain theater goers.
You're entertaining drunks.
So when you think about it,
you can think about when you're drunk,
you're not processing.
And these people are sometimes getting
wasted.
You gotta give it to them how they can consume it.
Slowly, especially in the South,
you gotta slow it down.
Just culturally, get a little slower.
Did you hear people say Chicago a lot?
Never once.
What?
Do you know that the fun, this is the funniest thing?
We say it all the time.
Christina was like, so you go into Chicago,
and I'd be like Chicago.
And I was like, who the fuck, she goes,
you know people say that all the time,
I go, I've never heard that. That week, I go to like Chicago. I was like, who the fuck, she goes, yeah, people say that all the time. I go, I've never heard that.
That week, I go to the airport.
This is a LAX, we're living LA.
And I'm in the, I mean, I actually go into Denver,
but I'm in the United Terminal,
and I see this lady, and she's leaned over,
and she goes, all right.
Flight 267 to Chicago is bored,
and I was like, holy shit!
Like, people do say that stupid shit.
Just throwing R in there, nowhere.
Yeah.
To nonexistent.
I'll start saying it, I don't see what happened.
Yeah, I was in Chicago.
That's what you call New York, catch on.
Oh, it's the Jew-Dork titties.
Yeah.
We call it Jew-Dork.
You.
More than anyone.
Yeah. You also say many apple tits. Yeah, but massive huge tits. That's a good. That's fun
That was great fart louder dails my
That's really good for Lando
Don't there's a lot still her up Delphi up
Yeah, meet rattle meet rattle speaking. I might just add a to show and meet rattle
Yeah, I took it now because she'd be online knock speaking. I might just add it to show and meet rattle Yeah, I don't even know what it is. I just like the sound of it, but it is dude. Yeah
Right, oh, that's so smart. Thank you. Do you still go back to Chicago? Yeah, it was just back in Chicago. I'm trying it.
Yeah.
I was in Chicago doing it for the book at least.
It's a car, yeah.
Chicago.
I like to do the Lincoln Lodge there.
There they have, it's a beautiful, like a three,
you, it's too small for you.
No, I just did.
A Lincoln Lodge.
A small theater there, like a 300 cedar.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
I'm Spanish or something?
No, no.
I had, I was, I was in Chicago the night before my Gary,
Indiana casino gig.
That's fun.
And my agent was like, do you want to do this small?
It was a cool little, is it the Den?
The Den is, yeah, the Den is like a,
it's like a goal, like fancy, like kind of.
Yeah, it kind of looks like a, like a,
I don't know, like a gentleman's quarters or something.
Sure, sure, sure.
I've never been, I walked past it
because I did a bookstore.
That show was awesome, by the way.
Was it, okay.
It was great.
It confuses me because when the, the big open mic
that people consider like the greatest open mic
of all time possibly, is called the lion's den
and people refer to it as the den.
And then this place is called the den
so I get it both of you.
That's what I did though, I think.
Okay, okay.
Yes, like I was doing WGN, I was doing television for this.
I saw Sam Moral walking out and I said hi to him.
Oh, are you doing Zaini's this weekend?
And he goes, oh, Chicago theater.
I was like, all right, see you later.
It's like he was just one of those like,
talk me.
I forget people are blowing up.
Yeah, no, people are blowing up, left and right.
It's crazy.
Soldier field.
Okay, great.
I'm gonna go fucking.
You know where the bear is?
It's cold.
Yeah, no, it's pretty crazy.
So you went there for the book release.
For the book release and then,
yeah, just mostly eat like a pig and head back to LA.
What's your favorite Chicago spot?
Pequads pizza.
Pequads.
Pequads, deep dish.
Deep dish.
A lot of people get mad about deep dish.
This one has caramelized crust.
I think it's pretty good.
And right next to it is pot belly.
If you're feeling like a big fatso,
there's a, there's a sub sandwich spot right there.
Oh yeah.
I like to do that to my body.
Is that, are you a deep preferred deep fish?
I think I do.
There was one place in LA that had mosa like,
Yeah.
In Echo Park.
Hey, that's a good one.
But it was like not quite right.
I know what you're gonna say.
You're like, it's because of the water
and because of the stove.
I don't even know about that.
Oh, that's what people say about judo or titties pizza.
Yeah, I do.
It's so much better because of the water
and they on the sounds.
I don't know.
I guess.
There's that big thing about bagels too.
They're like, yeah, they use the water in Brooklyn is better, so they like transport the water.
I'm not like a scientist, I don't know if that's possible.
I just know that in Chicago, they love doing terrible things
to the insides of their bodies.
Yeah.
By the way, when we moved all to LA, the amount of drinking
that we did, like everybody, like in Chicago,
is like, that's what you do.
In LA, everybody who wants us like, what the fuck you guys?
Yeah, that's so true.
Like we horrified people.
Yeah, I would have drinking with you guys one time early on.
I was like, these guys are really,
wrong, canine.
Those are two people that you would have a problem drinking.
Hites, oh, and cannibal too.
He's quit drinking.
Yeah, I quit drinking. Oh, you did? Yeah, like six years, almost seven's drinking. Yeah. He's drinking. Yeah. I quit drinking.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, like six years, almost seven years ago.
Wow.
Yeah.
Everything's easier.
Is life better?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was, you know, it wasn't quite drinking.
No.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's crazy, bro.
Pustin.
Get off.
Texas, baby.
Pustin get all Texas baby
Pustin he got a lift though. Yo
That's smart yeah, it is if you're like
Just trying to get around the city. That's what Marty McFly would do. Yeah, I'm back at a future hold on Yeah, but he did more he'd kind of sneak it. Yeah
Pretty cool. It was wild.
Yeah, pretty cool, right?
What would you do?
You could stop the car, too.
I mean, do you stop the car?
Because then what if the guy is trying to attack you?
Does that guy know that guy?
I don't think so.
No.
No, I think it's really, it's really, you have to be, you have to be ready to call an
audible. Meaning, if the guy feels threatening, then you've got it as really, you have to be ready to call an audible, meaning if the guy feels
threatening, then you've got it as hard as you can and then you slam on the brakes.
Right.
Right.
If you feel threatened, or you see him and he's a few feet in front, you run him over and
then you go like, I was scared.
But if you don't feel threatened, then I think you gradually slowed out and you let him
off like that.
Now you're a servant.
Wow.
His face is like, am I in trouble for this?
Yeah.
Wow.
His face is like, I'm good, right?
Like I didn't do anything wrong.
So weird.
I just saw a video, I see some really wild video.
My algorithm is insane on Instagram now.
Yeah.
It's so many murders.
And that's accidents, fires, and shit.
But there's this thing that like when people have dash cams,
you know, on their cars.
And they're coming from this on ramp.
And the car in front stops about,
let's say 15 feet ahead of the car that's recording.
Yeah.
And both sides doors open, people get out of the car, and the driver of the car with the
dash cam that's behind this car just guns it.
It's the dude tears the doors off of this because they were going to rob them, you know.
They got out and just fucking push the car just like just destroys it and it gets on
the highway.
You got to.
Yeah. I've seen a couple like that and they're usually in Mexico or South
America.
As was this one, it was in Santiago, Chile.
That's very fun.
Yeah.
Where do you think the worst drive, if you had like a dash cam on your car, where are the
worst drivers?
Is it the San Fernando Valley?
Oh, no.
South Florida.
South Florida.
Well, it's the most aggressive.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. And it's, let's be honest, it's because they're not like us. It's, um, it's the most aggressive. I don't know if it's the most aggressive.
And it's, let's be honest, it's because they're not like us.
It's a lot of Caribbean drivers, lawless places.
That's a section of us weekly.
Miami, they're not like us.
They're not like us.
It's like Latin America, which is crazy to drive.
If you've ever driven in Latin America, it's fucking nuts.
But not just, it's for Latin American countries in one.
More, yeah, more.
It's wild.
Cuba. There's Cubans there. There's Venezuelans there.
There's Colombians there.
Puerto Rico.
There's Puerto Ricans.
Dominican's Haitians. Yeah, there's everything.
All everything in the Caribbean in South America is all there.
And they're all from places where you go, you give 20 bucks
to the cop, you drive in and out, you go, you give 20 bucks to the cop, you drive
in and out, you ignore, you know, red lights or suggestions, you know, you don't like,
so driving there feels chaotic.
My sister lived in Lima and I know that you have been there.
That was bonkers.
Completely crazy.
Bonkers.
One of the craziest places I've ever driven in my life.
It's like, that's what it has to mean.
It's just like, I don't know.
I got one more. You've just seen India? to be. It's just like, I don't know.
I got one more.
Have you seen India?
Oh, that's probably.
Yeah, that's probably probably.
I've heard Google like India traffic.
Yeah.
They just go in circles.
Also people get, that's where,
and Instagram shows me that if you get hit by a vehicle,
everybody just keeps going.
Yeah.
They just kick your body to the side.
Yeah, people just look and they're just like,
that's really good.
It's something like a thing where they're totally cool with like people just like, right up on them. Yeah, people just look and they're just like, it's not really a thing where they're totally cool
with like people just like right on them.
Look, it's pedestrians, bikes, buses, all together.
Yeah, all together.
But I'm telling you, if something bad happens here,
they don't go like, everyone stop.
Yeah, no.
It's like, you just have places to pay.
You just keep going.
Listen, there's a lot of us.
We keep going.
Yeah, you keep going, dude.
Like everything's such a close call here that we're seeing. Oh, yeah, there's,
it's gnarly. Look at that. There's bicycles and animals. There's a camel. And people just
walk. And go car. That's my nightmare. What are those called tuk tuk? So what that is? Like,
that amongst bicyclists. This at least looks way crazier than anything I've experienced.
Is this Lima bad?
Lima is just cars, you know?
Lima's cars.
Lima's cars, but it feels completely flawless.
It really does.
It does feel scary.
It does.
But Pisco Sours are delicious.
Delicious.
And the most of them.
Delicious.
The most of them.
Yeah.
Would you ever go as a tourist to Uzbekistan? I've been to Armenia. I
Don't know anything about Uzbekistan. Oh, you want to see some cool. Oh, no boy. Do I go to Kyrgyzstan? Oh God
Is it this is how we got scammed and how to Babushka try to kill us a jet see drivers swarmed our car as soon as we arrived at the central bus station. These guys are super
aggressive for absolutely no reason. We explained to one of the drivers that we needed a ride
to the border, not a city or town to the border, and he agreed. Four hours later, when we got
to the city, we were 50 kilometers away from the border, and he told us to get out of his
car. We shouldn't have paid him until we got to our destination.
We tried to get another share taxi to the border
and this babushka asked us for money.
When we said no, she became angry, started swearing at us,
putting rocks at us, and followed us.
Eventually, some locals came and told her to leave.
We couldn't get a ride to the border,
so we got a hotel room near the bus station.
Hopefully, we can get a bus in the morning.
Cool, right?
I want bad things to happen to them.
Yeah!
For being such assholes.
Haley and Zach.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking dope.
Oh, you saw an unhoused woman in Uzbekistan with no teeth.
Like, it's a gypsy.
It's a gypsy.
It's a gypsy.
It's a gypsy.
This is unreal, dude.
Yeah.
We just like to experiment and we love adventure.
Why didn't they?
Okay.
They just want to go places and be like,
this isn't like San Diego or whatever.
It's totally different.
People are eating off the floor.
The faults are.
I don't like them.
These men were angry for no reason.
Here's another vacation tip.
You know, like if they didn't stab you.
If you'll test his five reasons,
you should travel with other plus size people.
First, you don't be traveling with people that understand what it's like to live in a larger
body.
Second, you have way more chances to swap clothes.
There's no waiting around, looking at drawing accessories because it's plus size friendly
stores only, and you can pick up tips and tricks from others to make your life more comfortable.
Finally, you'll see you don't have to lose weight to travel and you'll be surrounded
by people that prove that.
They look happy.
Yeah, they do.
We have a good time.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm hoping to use your customer size policies today.
Customer of size.
Yes, I'm moving.
Here we go.
This place is in the seat.
Okay, thank you so much for your help.
Free extra seat.
I didn't realize you get a free one.
You get to pre-board and get a free extra seat at your office.
You have an awfully booked place.
Thank you very much.
What?
Thank you.
I got a gain 200 pounds.
You get free seats?
Yeah, dude.
You can do it.
My life would suck, but free seat.
Free seat is worth it.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Southwest is the only airline with this policy for customers of size.
It should be the end of the year.
No, it shouldn't.
South West.
I'm doing this immediately.
I saw a guy at my gate on the way here and I was just like,
I hope he's not next to me.
Of course.
Like, I'd be fucking retarded.
I'm fucking out of his way.
Yeah.
That's true.
No, I don't think we should support him.
You could fucking try and meet Faso.
That is crazy that they just go,
oh, it's a fully booked flight, but we got a fatty.
So you're not gonna go.
Yeah.
You're gonna get two seats.
They're gonna bump somebody so that you can have two seats.
By the way, people always used to tell me
that we looked alike.
All the time.
I used to hate it.
Yeah.
I don't hate it as much anymore.
Oh.
Hahaha.
I got, I got so many people being like, dude, I just saw you in that commercial. I didn't do a commercial.
And they're like, they would compliment me.
You were hilarious in that commercial.
I manage the Lyric hype here in Silver Lake and people, like, open-micers come in and
they think I'm you.
Really? Yeah, a lot. Really? Yeah. I got a whole bunch.
I think we have both of the same dumb lost looking our eyes.
Beautiful, though. That's beautiful.
We both have blue eyes too.
We both have blue eyes too.
Yeah, I didn't realize. And then our wives like the same.
Our wives are exactly the same. Same hair, same everything.
Same everything. Yep, same mouth. Same same. You just need glasses. Do you same. Yeah. Same hair, same. Same everything.
Yep, yeah.
Same mouth.
Same same.
You just need glasses.
Do you have dad glasses?
Yeah, like I got.
I got you.
I got you.
How would they look at me like that?
No, try it out.
Try those.
Hell yeah, don't.
Are these prescription?
No.
Yeah.
No, they're prescription.
But they're just mild readers.
They're mild, yeah.
Yeah, you guys look great.
Yeah.
We should do side by side. Can you edit this later?
My brother, Brito's here today.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Holy shit.
Do we look the same?
Yeah.
Well, that's kind of weird.
Dude.
Spider-man.
He has your such.
It wouldn't count.
We look the same.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. We were to be gay and just hold on. Just hear me same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait.
It would be gay. Just hold on.
Yeah. Just hear me out.
Would you do a bridal?
If I was like somebody that you look just like.
I mean, it'd be easier.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How about you, Mike?
I mean, I got to say yes, too, then.
Yeah. I would be like, no.
Yeah. Because then you just be like,
with yourself?
Yeah, that'd be crazy for us to do a gazing.
If you want to do it, find one with it.
It's the money's right.
I mean, that's what I'm saying.
Other bucks.
Do you win 100?
Yeah, I was gonna say 20.
That would be pretty cute.
Only fans.
That'd be crazy to start an only fans
and just have one video we post.
It's just you and I having crazy hardcore sex. And then we like, that's it. That's be crazy to start an only fans and just have one video we post. It's just you and I
have a crazy hardcore sex and then we like that's it. That's all you get. That's why you brought me here.
Do you want to make a studio room where there's a genre of porn or people who look alike fuck? That was so good. So yeah, double banger.
Someone's a professional.
I could break copy for.
Meat rattle and doppelbanger.
She got it.
Dude, doppelbangers.
That's like a guy.
Did you do second city because it seems like you did.
Yes and doppelbangers.
That was good.
Thank you.
Doppelbangers.
Dude, doppelbangers.
Why does this say this is my brother though?
This is Tom's long lost brother.
Drug test culture.
Okay, no, but like see the cool thing about urine drug test culture is that like they
don't differentiate like crack from powder cocaine.
That's cool.
That's cool.
If they did, that would really suck.
Yeah, that's a real, yeah.
I just want crack and failed to drug test.
I'm going to say, oh, I did did a little cocaine and it seems like way more chill
You know I mean when in reality I was on six and Sam P. Joe and a mother fuckers tent smoking all caviar
You know what the fuck I say boy get the fuck outta you
I like him
Smoke him out of your boy
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I like him. Smoke and age.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a good time.
Yeah, it's fucking amazing.
I don't think he's really.
No.
Fuck I was saying, what?
Six old San Pizzo.
I know where he's just to get down.
Long Beach, yeah.
That's South Bay.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
That is my brother.
Thanks everybody.
I mean, it's my brother.
That means he's my brother. That is yours. Yeah. His name is my brother. Thanks everybody. I mean, it's mine. That means he's my brother.
It is yours. Yeah.
Yeah.
His name is Wet Brian.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's so cool.
I would like me to wet Brian.
Yeah.
He looks just like you.
I guess.
Yeah.
It's your bro too, man.
Cool.
He's a rude.
Yeah.
We do talk today.
Sure. You want to know? right out are you on TikTok?
Great chance barely cool. Well, I want to show you
I like to find the outlayers of TikTok so we're not gonna watch cute girls dancing or people singing
Yeah, nothing that you would enjoy. Okay. Yeah, give me with some shit. I would hate yeah
Here we go. You feel sick.
Whoa.
Wow.
Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So one of my favorite names of TikTok is the,
the, you know,
the new martial artist kind of thing
where it's like the guy who's like, I can fight.
And he doesn't really have to say anything,
he just puts on the demonstration.
I mean, he's showing not telling.
Yeah, which is always better.
Those kicks look like they might destroy you.
He's a roundhouse, bro.
Yeah.
Little secret, he speeds up the footage, but. Yeah. A little secret. He speeds up the footage.
But, ah.
What a country.
This is not America.
German.
I think so.
That's ambitious.
I'm going to go deep Eastern, Eastern blog.
Yeah, I think it's a little further east.
He's wrecking that's your own.
He's in my truck.
Yeah.
He's like Croatia.
I mean, okay.
Either way.
You say to doctors?
You know, I know.
There's too many doors. I can. In know I know there's too many doors
There's like 10 doors for no reason. Yeah, like everything's a room, bro Like you know you can have open consent. I got six rooms. You're like, you got a big house. You know, it's fucking studio apartment
Fucking no high cabinets. Yes
Like that shelf makes no sense. None.
It's the worst.
It's just bullshit.
Somebody was just like, put shelf here.
Yeah.
Put things on here.
Fucking sucks.
Coat rack, bandit.
Bro, I remember we had this apartment in Hungary.
Like we go stay there like once a year for holidays and shit.
Fucking so many doors.
It was just a small one bedroom.
And like one bed, I had to close this door,
close it, just to take a shit.
And then if I want to take a shower,
the heater box is on top of the shower, right?
Like you have to, you turn on the switch and you hear it go,
whoa, and then the gas turns on and then it eats up the water.
It was the jankiest shit.
It's just so.
Yo, and then the toilet, the toilets are different
in your, it's like, it's porcelain here.
So you shit on top of porcelain, there's no water.
And then you flush and the water comes
and flushes the turd down.
So you smell your shit as you're shitting.
Like a trap door?
No, just like a shelf, it's a shitshell fight.
Like this is your, this is your you shit on porcelain.
Okay.
And then the water comes and the turd slides down
in some pool.
So it's fun for the turd. Dude, it's so much fun for a turd slides down So it's fun pool. It's fun for the turd. Do so much fun for turd. That's why they do it
I got a turd brewing right now
Yeah, this is a new trend on take talk where stupid bitches are getting freckles tattoo
Those are freckles. Yeah, well they're manufactured freckles. They're not real freckles
So eventually I think that was mean seventh grade.
These are tattooing freckles.
And how fucking stupid.
So does.
Wow.
Hey, I want to look trashier.
Can I pay for this?
Damn.
This is the thing is that you, you know what the thing is,
is like you, it's so obvious that these are not genuine.
You know what I mean? Like somebody with freckles, natural, you're like, is, it's so obvious that these are not genuine. You know what I mean?
Like, somebody with freckles, natural,
you're like, oh, it's appealing.
It can look cute, but this looks like somebody
stabbed their face with an apparatus.
Did they just get it done though?
Maybe it heals and it looks a little more natural.
Maybe.
Yeah, this is like fresh.
Maybe they're like, you know,
Princeton looked like he had plastic surgery
that he know a clearly must've.
For sure.
So maybe these heal?
That's what everyone's holding on to here.
I mean, look like Prince.
I mean, he's a freckle prince.
Freckle prince.
Danny, if you're not buying anything, don't identify as a man of a woman.
It's me.
Then what is your child call you?
This is another commonly asked question I received.
So I want to spend some time on my mom. Are you having quadruplets?
I'm having quadruplets.
I want to spend some time on my mom.
Are you having quadruplets?
I want to spend some time on my mom.
I want to spend some time on my mom.
I want to spend some time on my mom.
I want to spend some time on my mom.
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets? Are you having quadruplets?
Are you having quadruplets? Are you having quadruplets? Are you having quadruplets? Are you having quadruplets? Are you having quadruplets? It's what's the safest or easiest. Not confusing, thank you. What feels the most right to them?
Personally, my child calls me Papa.
And even though it's a binary term,
it's what feels the warmest and softest to me.
I try it on other terms like.
It's a cute kid.
Yeah.
And Poppy, but none of them felt right,
quite like Papa does.
And even though I'm non-binary,
I still sometimes refer to myself as a seahorse dad. I got to give birth to my baby.
What the fuck is a seahorse? Oh seahorses, males give birth? Yes, and I believe seahorses can be either gender.
Like they actually can be either or oh the male gets pregnant and gives birth. Bro, I say we seahorse.
I would wish we could have seahorse to few things to few things and are having men can see horse their whole lives
launch
So it's just for people listening. Yeah, this is a woman who cut her breasts off
I don't know transition transition right and she's so but she is she's a he now he's having babies
And that's yeah, there's a phenomena in
Nature where see horses Actually He's having babies and this is damn true. But there's a phenomena in nature where seahorses actually give birth to the child.
Just anecdotally dudes have cuter babies.
Yeah, honestly, I think men are better at everything.
Oh my God.
Shut.
Men have cuter babies.
Shut true.
Let's.
I'll say this.
I'll say this, Papa, you did so much better than any broad could do.
Oh my God, I hate you so much.
You're the fucking worst.
That does not make me a mom or a mother.
I'm simply a Papa.
I still got to give birth.
I will say this.
This is a, it's very nice and the, the baby's adorable.
This guy's voice is fucking weird.
I hate his whisper.
I hate his face.
He's making my spine tingle.
Yeah, it's the, it's the ASMR approach to the, ASMR approach to the, oh, Lord, it's a fucking project.
Yeah, talk.
And then, and then, call me papa.
The fucking you do it, man.
Just talk.
Are you seducing me?
I mean, it's morning, yeah.
Okay, you guys might think this is a really weird, gross, and woo-woo, but hear me out.
So I use period underwear and washable,
reusable pads. And every month I soak them in water to get the blood out. I need them out to
wash them, and then I add more water to the bloody water to make a sort of diluted blood water
fertilizer that I use to water my plants. The period of the blood is really rich in minerals like
potassium, nitrogen, phosphorus, and iron, all of which are incredibly healthy for plants.
And this is one way that I can have a reciprocal relationship with my family.
We're super grateful, thank you so much, you're welcome.
And green, especially in the wintertime, and I can nourish them and return.
This is how horror movie starts.
Nothing goes to me.
The plants become evil.
It's a nature, and I wonder if you've ever given this a try.
Well, we were in Florida.
I'm doing it right now.
When we were in Florida, I had a dinner with high school friends.
Uh-huh.
And they go, do you remember so and so?
And I was like, no.
And they're like, she was in our class.
And I go, I don't fucking remember.
They're like, well, she's one of these menstrual blood
ones now who post like, and she has posts.
So like, today, I bathed in my blood.
I was like, I don't remember her at all.
And I had a small class in there,
like she was like,
she was like, where did she shit you with?
You remember her?
No.
She didn't get a lot of attention in high school.
And now she's doing this.
She's, yeah.
Kai, tell you,
here's this is so fucking amazing.
So she's like, I'm menstruate, hold on.
Just, you realize like to harvest your period of blood
is wild too.
The way she does it,
she menstruates into reusable pads
or underwear, just like free bleeding.
And then you marinate it in water to get all the blood out.
Hold on, don't you dare floor them about to sit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here's the craziest part that I'm about.
She sprang her plants with her menstrual blood.
Her pussy blood is sprayed all over her.
That living room stinks.
That's what I'm saying!
In her fucking inner apartment.
And it's winter, so she ain't open in those windows.
She's got to crack, it smells like pennies in there.
What do you think this is?
Why is somebody doing insistent things?
Because I'm telling you.
Is it worth it?
Here's why because
The internet and people are bored, but the internet has convinced you in some weird way that everything that is natural is
Therefore good like your pee blood is natural. It's got these irons and vitamins don't waste this
Nature's bounty nature. It's like the urine therapy people.
It's like just some stuff your body excretes for a reason.
You're excreting it, bro.
You're not meant to drink it or recycle it.
I mean, you can lap it up.
I've done that before when it's like a cool shit.
Stop it.
I'm gonna fucking puke on myself.
You gotta stop it.
That's too far.
That's so gross.
But look, it kind of looks like cool, though.
It looks nice.
She got a nice shot. Oh, look, it kind of looks like cool. It looks nice. She got a nice
nice nice like a son T. I keep forgetting when I look over that it is fucking unsweetened
T. You know, I'm like, no, that's that. What is that? Oh, yeah. That's cool. What if she
just kills all these plants? Do we have proof that this works? You imagine too. They're
like, they're like, they're just like the next day. They're just brown. It's like you
killed every single one of those plants with your fucking. If we went over, like, they're just like the next day. They're just brown. It's like, you killed every single one of those plants
with your fucking, if we went over,
if you were like, I come over to my friend,
like Melissa's real quick, and we walked in,
and I was like, what is that?
She was like, that's actually my menstrual blood.
I'm just feeding the plants.
I'm like, bright, let's get the fuck out of here, dude.
It's like a psychopath.
Get the fuck out of here.
She's filming like a video. You're like, you're not putting that on the internet, are you? I'm just like, oh, I believe, bridal. Let's get the fuck outta here, dude. It's like a psychopath. Get the fuck outta here. She's filming like a video, you're like,
you're not putting that on the internet, are you?
She's like, yeah.
I try to teach people.
I educate this woman, so there's another one I saw
that she puts it in spray bottles and sprays the plants.
That's somehow grossing.
Yeah, like the pouring is even okay, but.
Oh, can we move on, please?
No, this is fascinating.
We're at Thruffle, and yes, we all sleep in the same bed.
We're a thrupple.
According to most people on the internet, we're going straight to hell.
We're a thrupple, and no, we're not looking for a fourth.
We're a thrupple.
It's impossible to pick what to eat or watch.
We're a thrupple.
We block the sidewalk when we hold hands.
We're a thrupple.
One bathroom.
Just ain't gonna cut it.
We're a thrupple.
We've mastered the art of sharing everything. We're a thrupple. one bathroom, just ain't gonna cut it. We're a thrupple, we've mastered the art of sharing everything.
We're a thrupple, our group chats are next level epic.
We're a thrupple, we've got more dates than a calendar.
We're a thrupple, our selfies are always wide-angle.
We're a thrupple, plus one in particular.
Or do I get my credit card?
We're a thrupple, we know you can love more than one person at a time.
You guys are gay as fuck.
This video sure as hell is.
So dumb.
Worth rubble or video is suck.
By the way, like, why don't you tell me the real shit?
This is all like bullshit stuff.
Like we take our camera's sideways.
Like who shits first if you guys are sharing about.
Red Thuffle.
Ha ha ha.
So cheesy.
I wanna see him do it once though.
Yeah.
You don't wanna see him once?
Of course.
Of course. I wanna know way more of them. Also, I feel like this is one of them. I wanna watch him shit too, you don't want to see him once? Of course, I want to know way more than this.
Also, I feel like this is one of the
one of the shit too, I don't care.
Every time we see an internet,
I would watch him shit too.
You know, video thing about Thrupples,
it's always a woman and two guys.
This is like, I feel like this is more rare to me.
Well, that's interesting.
The two bruds and one dude.
Yeah, sure.
Usually it's one fat chick on FATZO
with like two two beta guys.
I mean, these, I have to say for Thrupples,
this is probably the best looking Thrupples.
Like he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,
he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like stock actors. Yeah, we're a thruple. Like, do you have vaginal, whatever,
it's like a, like a, like a, like a drug commercial?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're, they seem cast.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think they get annoyed with each other.
Like, even a couple, but just two of you.
Imagine two bitches, yeah, I'm wearing into your ear.
And you know, like, they cycle together too,
so it's two bitches on their period.
Yeah.
It's like, you know how much talking this motherfucker has to do.
You can have twice as many plants.
What's interesting though is that he actually has very like,
chick energy.
He does.
He doesn't have like, like alpha energy,
like sometimes in these things you go,
oh this will be like a real alpha dog kind of guy,
but he doesn't seem like that at all.
He works out.
He definitely takes care of himself.
Yeah, but yeah, he cries a lot.
Yeah, that's where the connection is.
It's like an emotional thing.
Yeah, because remember that documentary
about those people that were playing?
Our text threads are out of this world.
And it's what, yeah.
Remember like it was serious.
They're all hippie cronchies.
And then the guys are like ponytail, yoga guys.
You have to be to make
this show. He's not that, but he's sensitive. He's very sensitive. He's a sensitive yoga man.
Yeah. There's a lot of talking and communicating or is he doing, is he being this guy so we can
have both those babes? No. I mean, I think that's what I think that's a thousand percent. Why,
you know, I mean, he figured out how to keep this going
to it once and probably a big part of it is by being emotionally
really available and, you know, like,
he has to be that in order to keep it going, right?
That's what they like.
Yeah.
It seems like a high price to pay for just sex.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, he's got to do this 24 sets.
He got high, late in life.
Listening.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Oh yeah.
Right, he was goofier before.
He had fucked up teeth.
Yeah.
And he got some braces and he lifted some weights.
Yeah.
And he's like, I want to fuck two.
I got to tell you.
I was fucked two.
It was pussy things wild.
Dude, have you guys tried fucking?
He's the only two women he's had sex with.
Probably.
Well, because he's sweet.
And he probably grew up in a Christian
and he's like, he doesn't know how to just date people
because he doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
So we get some self into like these really complex situations.
He's emotionally, so you feel like this situation
is so emotionally dramatic.
And what these people are actually into
is the emotional bullshit.
The suffering.
Yeah.
You put yourself through a lot of suffering.
Yes.
You really do.
Yeah, torture.
This is my idea of how.
Because the day, you know, that she's like,
I'm just feeling really insecure.
She's like, well, I'm fucking our friend over here.
So if you don't mind, she's giving a attitude.
And he's like, she's fine.
Yeah. I kind of like it she's fine. Yeah, yeah.
I kind of like it more over here to be.
Yeah, it's all triangulation.
Yeah, who doesn't have two girlfriends.
That's your Southwest guy.
Yeah, this is crazy.
Give him an extra.
That is a fucking pressure washer.
Yeah.
That's fucking insane
That hurts right probably I can't feel great
That's got to hurt love your if you're
This that's I use strip paint off a concrete.
How do you wait?
That guy's having fun.
Aw.
So if you're listening, we just watched a
cabbage-patch kid of a very large,
very overweight man get cleaned by another man
with a pressure washer.
Like, you know, if they're like,
hey, this tile is just not
going to hold on a second. Yeah. If we turn up the pressure, we might be able to strip
this off of it. He's got a lift stuff up to get hose down. Is this a daily lift can't
be? And Peeley's big adventure, they say really, oh, really, where they hose them down.
Yeah. So this is what it looks like. How much fun is pressure wash?
I was so much fun.
Yeah.
And I would love to do it to this guy.
Yeah, me too.
Proceed him up first.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Dad.
And then he's like, why do you keep spreading my face?
You're like, I don't know.
You're like, I can reach my face.
Someone takes us.
He can do this for sure.
You can let you power wash fat people.
That's a great business. Yeah
What do they call that one double banger
Power washing fatso's
Power fatso's
Wait, oh say it right. Oh, you got it. Oh someone. It's not mine, but weight wash washers is perfect. Oh
Weight washers
Solo solo buddy weight washers
Weight washers. I mean like how many people are screaming it into their cars?
Well, yeah to weight washers
Shit, it's like I do it yourself car wash. You don't have fucking satisfying that is.
Would you pay?
Would you, like if they're like,
they just put five bucks in this thing
and we'll wheel out a 400 pounder.
You know how satisfying that would be?
If they're like hiding sandwiches in there
and you get to like fucking hold it out.
And they're like, and they smile, they're like,
I guess that's the thing.
You found it, you found the Easter egg.
And they lift this up and like a key falls out
and they're like,
that's yours now.
You put a bunch of money in them
and you get to wash it out.
And then you like a coins, they roll around
in a big pile of coins.
Oh, that'd be so much fun.
Yeah, you have to like, stalk them up first.
They gotta be messy on some level.
Yeah, like, it reminds me, this is where I got,
I had the joke about midgets with like,
just say the work.
Well, with like, they had with like dip on their Well, with like, they had, uh, with like dip, uh, dip on their head,
walking around, like, that a party.
Yeah.
But I actually did a commercial once where we had
midgets at this, uh, like it was supposed to be a party.
And, and the director was like, uh, like, as they're walking,
he's like, can we put like some, like a bowl of peanut butter
on his head or something?
And you see the guy who was like, huh? He's like, he's like's like yeah, so then when he walks by you guys can like scoop it out and I was like
Whoa
The guy just let it happen
Little bowl strapped his head
There's like a restaurant I heard about that had that like a chips and and salsa. On Midges? Like a sombrero on really?
Yeah.
Is it a phileus?
That maybe was an urban legend.
This is like a thing I heard in like the nineties.
Well, I will say it's gotta be so hard for them
to find gigs.
I mean, what else can you do but be in show business?
You know, you don't see many other things?
And you get turned down like the integrity
to turn down all the elf shit that they throw your way.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That's all you're getting, is there always like,
and there's an elf, you know?
Have you been to a Christmas audition before?
It's just like a bunch of fat guys with white beard.
Yeah.
Like this is your time.
This is the time of year that you've been waiting for.
Yeah.
Oh, there's a guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's doing good.
You know the crazy, the disrespectful part,
aside from the obvious,
is if you're like standing there, like you and I having a conversation. You know what crazy, the disrespectful part aside from the obvious, is if you're like standing there,
like you and I having a conversation.
You know what I mean?
And it's like the chips are falling in front of his face.
And you're like, hey, you know, you keep talking.
Yeah, yeah, you know, and salsa's fallen on them
because you're not really paying it to.
Like that is the part of the side.
You're breaking up with somebody.
Yeah, I had a dinner and like your,
my friend is a sports reporter in Atlanta and he's like five
nine, let's say.
And he goes like when he's covering the hawks, he's like sometimes I'll be like standing
out there.
And one of the guys who's like six, ten is standing right next to me having a conversation
with someone above me.
And he goes and you just feel just so disrespected
because they're like,
hey man, and he's just like looking up
and they're having full dialogues,
full conversation, he's like right here.
He's like a kid,
he's like looking up, like,
I'll talk when they're done talking.
God, that sucks.
Yes.
Yeah, same thing.
I know because I've never met an LP
that's like a regular job to LP
because we're friends with like entertainers
Yeah, show business that are LPs, but I've never met an LP lawyer or doctor I like like I wouldn't even be doing a count it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Cause that one, the,
like a judge, like tiny justice.
Oh, pitch that.
Oh, what was the, the little family,
but he was like really successful.
A little people big world, the roll offs.
They had a far really successful,
really successful.
And the wife was a dream crusher.
Remember, like he would, his dreams were very attainable.
He's like, I think we should start,
we should build a barn.
And she was like, you can't build a barn.
I don't think he had helium.
He was like, we should build a barn.
And she was like, you can't build a barn.
The thing is, if we all bad together.
Can we Google the roll-offs and see if he had a high voice?
He did not.
He did have a tiny little voice.
I don't think so. It was a higher than yours.
It was like that.
Yeah, his register was slightly higher.
Who passed away?
Oh, he died?
Oh, no, the father died?
He did?
He just died this year.
Wait, who passed away?
How recently?
Matt rolled up his morning loss of his father
or Ronald James.
To his dad, Ronald was, no, no, that's his father. Ronald James. To his dad on phone, he said Ronald was,
no, no, that's his father.
So it was like the grandfather.
Oh, that's okay, those guys.
Yeah, that guy.
This guy's the best.
I love him, because he's such a little visionary.
Okay.
That's how the father had been on sale,
you know, on the market's point.
It's a weird one.
That's a weird one.
Before we put the house on the market,
we put the house on the market,
pretend brings him front. No, he's not like, we put the house on the market. It's great. The house on the market.
It's great.
The house on the market.
It's great.
The house on the market.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. Has it sold yet? You know, I'm probably gonna have to get creative about how
How to move forward. I mean the sun is hot. They've got like a hot sun. That's great
No hot L. P. Oh wait, is it they have a full So he's gonna have a silver Fox this guy. Yeah, they have a normie like they do it's hot. Yeah, he's good looking
That's great. I mean, I'm sure he's just like
Wakes up in the morning.
He's like.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Genetics are wild.
All right.
Mike, Bridenstides, aka Brido's new book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong is Out Now.
It's about the history of the Chicago comedy scene from 1995, 2009.
Features some of the biggest comedians that you have grown to enjoy in love, Kyle Kanane,
Hannibal Burris, Camille Najiani, Matt Bronner, Beth Sterling, and Pete Holmes, TJ Miller.
Bergatsu was there briefly. Yeah. Bergie was there. Cameron Esposito.
Yeah, it's a pretty crazy list and it must have been a crazy time.
Lots of fun, exciting stories, alcohol fueled.
Yes.
A lot of violence in there.
Violence, cool.
Oh, cool.
All the stuff that we love and is filling my Instagram algorithm.
Thank you very much for coming in. Thank you so much.
I'll see you in 750 episodes.
750.
I will see you in about 12 years.
Yeah.
12 years.
Yeah.
We'll have very different lives by then.
Move to another city.
Another city, for sure.
Yeah.
We'll keep moving east.
I'll see you in New York.
Great.
In 2037.
I'll be ready.
All right.
Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me. Bye 2037. I'll be ready. All right. Thanks for coming, man.
Thanks for having me.
See you guys.
Thanks for having me.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys.
See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. See you guys. Naira, Jorod, Jared Kushner.
Yeah, but why do you think Jorod?
Right.
It's just not
did it go through?
holy shit what is up with that
just toilet
I can do it
is that a booth?
no okay I can breathe. Is that a breathe? No.
Okay.
I could have a fart while we do this show.
Please don't.
I can't help it.
Do that.
Does it smell bad, man? It smells like a sewage canal.
All right, what the fuck is that?
Well, he fired in the car when we were on the way to the country club.
Farded, who-how'd leave?
Oh my god, remember when they fired in in front of our nanny?
Do that.
It smells good.
We'll have our finger print in the intestines, okay? Immediately go to a doctor.
Seriously.
I like your new bra.
Give me a die, Brady.
Loudly.
I was waiting for my life and sitting for a seat. And I took the pain and sent me to the G. loudly
Slopper's like me. She like
If you're gonna go cheap boobs You'll find her you'll find some votes, okay? Is that true?
I'm not sure.
Regardless, you want to get into the real tense.
You got to go to the top section.
To Google, European, raw sizes versus American.
Okay.
The bra that's ill-fitting is exciting to him
because it's definitely following out of it.
He wants them spelling out.
Interesting.
Can you show me how it was been this far?
Did you see the background?
I don't want to know if you can show them how those big tips for you. Yeah, we're taking this serious. Yeah.
Big tips for you.
Okay, let's take this serious.
Last five five.
You want a fire?
Can you really fire?
Can you really fire?
Can you really fire?
Hard.
Hard.
Hard.