Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Every Comic's Favorite Comedian w/Dave Attell | Your Mom's House Ep. 754
Episode Date: April 10, 2024SPONSORS: - Get Coors Light delivered straight to your door with Instacart by going to https://coorslight.com/YMH - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings... app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/mom or through my promo code MOM - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/momshouse - Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code YMH for $20 off your first purchase. https://Gametime.co Pull your jeans all the way up over your head because Tom Segura and Christina P are back for another week of Your Mom's House Podcast! We start off with an opening clip about somebody being played before Tom models some new dad eyes for Christina. Speaking of Christina, this week we get a hot toilet update from a recent hotel stay. There's also some more airtight storytime, reviewing the security footage from the Double Soul Shaman's visit to YMH studios, and last weeks Diddy discourse leads to Tom and Christina checking out some sus posts from 50 Cent's Instagram. Then, we welcome our guest, comedian Dave Attell who has a comedy special available now on Netflix called "Hot Cross Buns." They introduce Dave to cool guys, talk about perfecting jokes, and watching yourself do comedy. They also watch some Horrible or Hilarious clips, some TikToks, and marvel at Dave Attell's personal flip phone. https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Your Mom’s House Ep. 754 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The inappropriate jokes from the past.
Yeah, so good.
Like there's so many jokes that even in this special,
I can already tell it's a week away from being inappropriate.
Oh, right, right, right.
Especially that thing about Kate Middleton.
That was really mistake.
Didn't see that coming.
Welcome.
Welcome to your mom's house.
Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way?
Did you ask about rubellsus?
Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today.
Did you say rubellsus?
My dad's been talking about rubellsus.
Rubellsus? Really?
Yeah, he says it's a pill that...
That's right! Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans?
Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.
Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca
Order up for Rebelsis!
Guten Tag! Welcome to your mom's house.
Eugene's house. Your Gene's house.
I am excited to be here.
Real quick, there are limited tickets left for upcoming shows.
April 12th in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena, April 13th in Charlotte, North Cackalacka at Spectrum Center, and April
14th in Raleigh, North Carolina at PNC Arena.
Of course, I've also announced a bunch of new shows.
I'm going to be in Denver, Colorado, September 14th at Ball Arena, September 28th in Toronto Ontario Canada at Scotiabank Center November 9th in Phoenix
Arizona at Footprint Center plus a bunch of other shows people have asked me about cities
that I have not yet announced and they're like what are you just skipping fucking mini apple tits in Chicago and Milly Wackay,
Boston, et cetera, and Judo or Titties.
No, those are all going to be announced
in the upcoming, the next announcement.
You're gonna do them all.
Yeah, so that's that.
Go ahead.
Well, I just wanna thank everybody that came out
in Judo or Titties to see me and Ridgefield come net a cunt.
Yeah.
Killer shows.
I also have a toilet, a hotel toilet update for you.
Great.
But first I'd like to plug,
I added a show in Los Angeles at the Masonic Lodge,
May 8th, little tickets left for that.
And then Hor,
Oh, I forgot your sound effects.
Thank you.
Horlando, Florida.
I'm doing the funny bone in August.
Cool.
Whoa, Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
ChristinaPOnline.com for tickets.
And you're there, your show's May 8th in LA?
Yeah.
May 9th, I'm in LA, the day after.
Okay, man.
That's May 9th, that is...
That's May 9th. That is... Uh... That went down my wimp pipe! That's gonna be...
Wait, what does that even say? What does that say?
That went down my wimp pipe!
And May 7th. So May 7th, check it out. This is your whole LA week.
May 7th is the 5K.
That's right.
Two Bears 5K. That's a two bears 5k comm
May 8th
Christina has a show May 9th. I have a show all that's taking place in LA. That's amazing. Yeah, that's amaze
What is a nice?
Yeah, all right be relaxed be relaxed. Are you ready to start the show fucking so pumped? Let's go. Let's go. Let's go
Hey player you've been played
She's got stories Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't mind where the fuck it's at!
Welcome to your mom's house.
With Tom Segura.
Mom Shicker.
And Christina Pujitsky.
Welcome to your mom's house.
God, my eyes are all fucking dumb.
Where's her dead eyes?
My eyes are all fucking dumb.
Where's your dad eyes?
Where's your dad eyes? Actually... What? Actually, can Reid hear me?
Should be able to.
If he's out there, if you have my dad eyes, my new glasses, will you bring them in?
Thank you.
I have some new dad eyes here.
New ones? I think so. Yeah, some new dad eyes here. New ones?
I think so. Yeah, I think they're ready.
Wow.
It's very exciting.
Everything's gonna be so much crisper and clearer.
You're gonna like the way you look.
Just see whatever now.
Whatever.
Instead of feeling around.
Oh!
They're here.
Oh!
Wow!
Thanks, bro.
There's like seven options.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
This is a YMH exclusive.
Your new dad eyes have arrived.
Dad eyes are here. Holy shit, dude. Let's see them. Let's see seven of them. Okay, cool, cool. This is a YMH exclusive. Your new dad eyes have arrived.
Dad eyes are here.
Holy shit, dude, let's see them.
Let's see what I have.
All right.
Tell me how you like these bad boys.
Wow. Oh my God.
Everything is so crisp and clean.
Is it better, really?
It's so sharp, yeah.
You feel better?
Dude, we look so cool together.
You like these?
We're the coolest couple ever
You want to see another pair? Yeah
These are like a matte finish. It looks like here. Let's see. Maybe you can vote on which you prefer
Well, I like the math. What do you guys think? I like the matte finish a little bit finish It's a little different. I got a very sincere nod from Tanner. It was just like we give it
Any is the fashion guy? That's right. You have to go with Annie.
Any fashions?
Let me see the other ones again.
Okay, hold on.
Just so you're locked in, hold on.
Yeah, okay, I see it.
I just don't.
Just fire.
I'll wait.
Yeah, yeah, the mat.
The mat, the mat's the way.
Yeah, the mat, right?
Very exciting.
Hold on, we're not done yet.
No, we're not even close.
Hold on.
Dang.
Ooh.
Bro, you went green. Are these green? They're like great, yeah, they. Dang. Ooh. Bro, you went green.
Are these green?
They're like great, yeah, they're green.
Don't give me, don't, nope, okay.
That's for home.
No, I'm saying don't give me the is this green shit.
Oh, that's right.
Oh yeah, colorblind is cap.
Start of blindness is cap, sorry.
He really can't.
His eyes are retarded.
These are old faithfuls that I just had the lenses
Re I do that too. Can I tell you something? No, I always regret when I do that. You do? Yeah, cuz it's fun You should get new styles. What do you think any?
They're good. No, those look like
Pharmacy readers. They're not they look like you got those at the at the Randall's. Oh my god
That sucks. Can you see the green ones though? I was just playing about the
Green ones are no point.
No.
Let me look at them.
They look like you work in like accounts payable.
I don't think they're- I like better-
These are rad though.
These are my most stylish pair I think.
They all look identical though.
Are they?
Everyone that you're like I love these.
They look identical?
It's the same thing.
Yeah they're three of the same pair except you got cropped.
Seriously?
They do look exactly the same.
Yeah.
Like one of them is matte.
Yeah, that's dope though, I like it.
I like this look. I should have listened to the lady.
I should have listened to her.
She goes, wow, you like black glasses.
And I was like, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you chose three of the same.
Okay, alright.
The green is terrible.
Just fucking relax a little bit.
Don't wear that around me.
Don't wear the green? I like the thick blackies. Yeah, I don't like the
The greenies are just too dorky. Let me see. Let me see these. Too dorky
Yeah, you just look it's just not too dorky. I feel like it's kind of basic bitch. You know what I mean?
Jesus. You just look kind of boring. I don't know I kind of fuck with it like
With the right fit. Do you think these last two are? last two are fit, but he looks like he's wearing khaki these are very these are different
But these are like oh wow. Yeah investigator. Yeah, you look like Donald Draper. Is that the guy is very
1960s and yeah, these are old school. These are retro. I like them
I think they have to be like with a specific outfit. Yeah, you know you should do it Sammy his suits
Oh Sam Taylor. Yeah. Yeah, yeah
One of those shoot. Yeah, like one of those kind of smart-looking suits. Okay
Hopefully you are in the FBI with those hopefully Joey Diaz approves of at least one of these. He hates your big rimmed ones
He doesn't like the ones I normally wear those look like you're denying the aliens exist. It's with the fucking glasses
Oh, these are different. These are different. How many fucking glasses did you get? Too many too many
How about these these have a different? Yeah, those are mine. You just fucking style suck me hard, dude
Okay, whatever
Yeah, those are cool. Those are exactly like the other ones. They're not exactly they're completely different. That's the whole point
What do you mean? They're exactly they're different
Okay, you can't see the difference the sides are like tortoisey shell, but it's they're pretty similar
They're similar dad the fuck is wrong guys am I am I crazy here. Yes
They're similar similar, but you know a little more style a little tortoisey shell on the side
But baby, just you picked ten of the same thing no I didn't okay, and by the way. I'm getting more
I'm not telling you not to yeah, I to. I like when he gets defiant.
I'll do what I want.
I'll do what I fucking want and I'll wear these when I want.
Anyway, I can see fine now.
I feel great.
You look great. Thank you.
You look very handsome. Oh, I appreciate that.
Thank you.
You look like a handsome woman. I am handsome. I'm getting old my meats rotting off the bone
Can I give you a toilet update? Yes. Okay, so I went to do dark titties. I stayed there for two nights
It was lovely. The shopping was great
and
I thought of everybody here in the studio because I was a little ashamed of how I
Would pee in the toilet and then not flush all night. And then I would create a toilet mayhem thing.
So I made a very conscious effort to flush
all through the night.
And I'm proud to report I did not clog any toilets
this weekend in Jude or Tibbies.
Thank you.
I'm proud of myself.
That's awesome.
I'm proud of myself.
That's great.
And I also have a Toto Washlet update in our home. It's finally been repaired. That's very huge huge
Yeah, you don't know what you got until it's gone and I feel like we suffered for I was willing to give up one of
The kids or something like that
Yeah, no that was fucking disastrous. Anyway, I'm stoked to be shitting again and getting my asshole cleaned. Yeah, it's a game changer.
It really is.
I stayed in a hotel recently where I was like, you know, every time you check in, you're
like, fuck you.
You gotta take your first dump in your hotel and they had a total washlet in the hotel.
Wow.
That's God's work.
I feel like it's slowly becoming the standard, just slowly.
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You know it's gonna take, yeah.
I don't know why Americans are so opposed to it.
I just can't understand this.
Japan, it's everywhere.
7-Eleven has them, seriously. everywhere. 7-Eleven has them, seriously.
Wow.
7-Eleven has them.
Yeah, the West is just weird about their assholes
being clean.
They think it's gay or something.
I don't know what it is,
but it is, you feel so much better about yourself.
I know, I was texting with somebody and they're like,
yeah, my husband doesn't want to try it.
He thinks it's gay.
It feels gay. It's gay? To have water squirting in your b-hole.
But it cleans your b-hole up.
No, I know. Burt likes it, right?
I don't know anybody who said they don't enjoy it.
I also had more toilet thoughts.
Tell me.
So I was traveling and you know how in the airports, they don't have a normal sink sometimes?
Where you have to push the thing down and then the sink down and then the water comes out of the spout for a few
seconds. Well, I, I was washing my hand, hand,
cause I, I started to just wash. I've always actually, let's be honest,
like when I'm traveling, I'll wash one hand after using the toilet.
And then I thought, is that okay?
Is it okay to wash one hand?
I'm a big single hand user
washer
for urinating, not for
number two. But why? You don't wipe your
ass with both hands. I just feel like
you owe it to the other hand after you dump.
But when I pee, I do
a lot of single and
it bothers Sean.
He sees me do it and he's like, what are you doing?
I'm cleaning the hand that I used's like, what are you doing?
Yeah, but do you soap it or you just yeah, I'll still want it. I mean I've had look I've had
Peas where I don't wash my hands. I've had peas where I wet my hands and then but I I
technically or Typically, I try to just get a little soap on this hand, I go like this.
Yeah, that's what I do.
And then I'm like, I'm done.
Yeah, that's what I do.
But for dumps I always do the two hands.
See, I'm not sure I'm convinced you have to do
double-handed wash for dumps.
I just think you owe it to yourself.
I don't think I need to.
I think you do.
I feel like, I mean, unless the shit particles
in the air are getting on my other hand.
Yeah, yeah.
So I did a one-handed wash after a dump at the airport.
Ugh.
F-A-R-T.
What do you guys think?
Do you think a one-handed wash is okay for dumps?
One-handed?
No way. No.
No.
Unacceptable.
You're grabbing the toilet paper with one hand,
you're not using the other one to assist you at all?
Well, okay, but what you're talking about, Yana,
it's a clean roll, and there's not shit on the roll that I am
Just say you're nasty, you know what I mean?
You guys know I'm nasty no one's fucking denying it
But you're touching the toilet probably to flush the handle of the stall
There's all this stuff you're coming in contact with
And also what do you mean it's a clean roll? It's a clean roll
Maybe when you use it the first time but what about when you wipe the second time?
Now your shithand touched the roll
and now you're touching it with your non-shithand.
Now they're both shithands.
See, you're the only one that can really get to me.
You're the only guy that makes sense.
Cause Enny and I are just as fucked up on most things.
I think I'm gonna get too strong.
Yeah.
Do you think this guy washes his hands?
I'd like you to meet 60 year old
kilt wearing Houston man Mitchell C vest
Now Mitchell is a monster of a man both in size and action as you'll soon find out
Mr. Vest was caught on camera on February 8th shoving items from an antique store up his butt and then returning them with a little
Extra stink on him back to the shelves after the video was released and reported on on social media by folks like Grizzly Hood News,
multiple reports came in from people that saw Vest shoving objects up as free ball and bare ass at multiple vendors in Harris County.
One of the items was a makeup brush.
The vendors at the shops said they had to throw away the items because they had noticeable fecal matter on them.
No word on a vest who looks to be about twice the size of every cop that arrested
him is also an antique vendor trying to taint his rivals or just a guy who gets
his jollies knowing people touch his poop.
But he was taken into custody on one count of criminal mischief, which is
basically a nothing offense.
So he'll be out and Browning trinkets in no time.
Do you think it makes his dick hard to do this is this a fetish? It fills him with joy
I don't know if he gets hard, but I think he definitely enjoys it. He there's a thrill to him for him to do that
Yeah, I get it
I kind of get this one. I get it. I get it. It's your own. It's it's your little secret
Yeah, that was up in my ass. Yeah, I mean I wouldn't do it, but I get it. It's your own. It's it's your seat your little secret. Yeah, that was up in my ass
Oh, yeah, I mean I wouldn't do it, but I get this one, but it's also the
The payoff is imagined for him. You never see the man problem. You know that's the problem
Is that you don't get to see he's just like somebody goes. Oh, where can I find antiques?
He's like you should go to this store on
Randall Ave.
It's got some good stuff.
Well, the thing is, how does he get the payoff?
Maybe if he works in a restaurant.
Maybe it's just his imagination.
Yeah.
That's the thrill.
But now I'm bummed. He just knows.
And then he walks out and he's like,
it's a bunch of stuff that was up my ass in there.
And someone's gonna touch it, you know?
With fecal matter, that means he walked in
with a loaded, a loaded bee.
That's so nasty. Or maybe it was just post-dumping. And then he doesn't wipe and he just in with a loaded, a loaded bee. That's so nasty.
Or maybe it was just post-dumping.
And then he doesn't wipe and he just wipes with antiques.
Or he just doesn't wipe well, yeah.
Ugh.
I think antiques are nasty to begin with.
Like they're probably covered.
They're old and stinky to begin with.
Yeah, you want someone's fucking blotchy.
Jesus Christ, can you imagine picking up?
And you're like, does this shit?
What is this?
Why does this smell?
Yeah.
Ugh. Fuck. He's huge, too.
He is enormous.
But at least he wears a kilt.
That's smart.
That is smart for putting stuff up your ass.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a really good idea.
That's fucking crazy.
Speaking of things that go in holes, they keep coming out.
Oh!
Airtight stories keep coming out.
The best.
Are you ready?
I'm so ready.
Yeah.
For those of you that don't know, we discussed people who go airtight, plug up all their holes,
how rarely it must happen.
And ever since we talked about it, you guys have been sharing your stories.
Nonstop.
Thank you for sharing them.
If you want to send one in, it's yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.
There's no house in the email address.
Yourmomspodcast at gmail.com.
Subject line, airtight.
Here we go.
Hi, Hiller.
I wanted to share with you my airtight story.
Years ago, I had a large friend group
where we would all casually sleep around together
and it wasn't a big deal.
One time at a party out at my parents' house,
me and a guy friend I had previously hooked up with
were making out and messing around in the garage.
Another friend who I had a huge crush on
wanted to join in so I allowed it.
My parents owned a 67 convertible Mustang
and I decided we had to do it either on or in the car
One guy was sitting in the front seat and I leaned over the front seat and was blowing him while my other friend was hitting
It from behind in the back seat
The airtight aspect was an unplanned surprise because the dude from behind also stuck his thumb in my ass
When I tell you I have never come harder in my life. I
Think about that experience at least three times a week. I'm a 26 year old woman now,
and I'm still chasing that dragon to this day,
if you know what I mean.
And yes, my parents still own the Stang,
and I always get the tingles when I drive it.
Keep them high and tight, mommy.
Shelby.
I don't know what's worse,
the antique store getting shit on it,
or your Mustang getting cum all over it.
I know, you're 67, collectible? Yeah, the disrespect. I don't know what's worse the antique store getting shit on it or your Mustang getting come all over it now
You're 67 collectible. Yeah the disrespect and does a thumb count as going your time. Well, that's a really interesting technical point
I mean, I suppose
You know it's plug in the hole
We prefer it to be a different appendage. We do but we're purists over here at your mom's house
Yeah, I prefer you'd have to deal with three dongs
All right. Here's another one. You're ready. This one sounds I haven't even read it, but it looks like it's gonna be crazy this one time
in Cancun
When I turned 25 at the tail end of our stay at the resort we were at the Australian men's rugby team pulled up for their holiday
and men's rugby team pulled up for their holiday. And that night I had the delight of being passed around
between six of these golden bodied Adonises.
There were moments when there were two
with a third in my hand.
There was shower time and chair and bed adventures.
And the best part was how courteous they were.
One then walked in and surveyed the scene
and asked his fellows, how's she doing?
Is she okay?
I'm talking about the consent and consideration
and it was just phenomenal.
I smoked half a pack of Marlboro lights
and sipped a fresh margarita when I got back to my room
and it was quite possibly the best birthday present
I've ever had.
Please keep my name anonymous.
She's from Australia.
If you hear this, please delete that photo from your phone,
even though you said you come so,
I don't know what the fuck this means.
What does that mean?
I think she's putting a little message out
to one of the guys that fucked her.
Oh.
Like, yeah, that photo you have.
Can you get rid of that?
Oh, I got you.
So she's saying there were.
It's a team.
She said six of them.
Wow.
Wow.
That's a lot, dude.
That is a lot.
That's so much.
That's a busy...
But again, I didn't hear about all three at once.
This is a good point.
That's a really good point.
I think she just took turns with six guys.
Yeah, there's not enough suffering involved.
That just sounds like a good time.
Yeah.
I like to hear the athleticism.
Okay, you come. Yeah. I like to hear the athleticism.
Okay, you come. Yeah. Six guys though in a night. Six Australian
broccoli players. Yeah, they're such good shape.
Yeah, in great shape. Yeah, they're beautiful.
And they're tough guys. I love it.
I think she probably had a good time, you know?
Come for me. Yeah.
Yeah. I always hate when you do that.
But I like the two in you, three in you. It's the feet of it that I always really want to know about,
being able to take all of it at the same time.
The athleticism involved.
Yeah, that's a whole different thing.
I think having just being passed around doesn't count.
Passed around doesn't count.
I don't know that she went airtight.
She did say she had two in her at a point
and then one in her hand.
Again, the hands are just bonus.
The hand's easy.
Yeah, not airtight.
I want one in the pink, one in the stink, one in the mouth.
That's airtight.
That's airtight.
Those are the standards of this show, god damn it.
And don't you write in again with something
that's not airtight if you're telling us you went airtight.
We don't want to see all that dumb.
Yeah, we don't want to hear about fucking DPs and handies. That's not airtight. I don't want't hear you being passed around. Yeah, that's too much fun. That's too easy. Yeah, anyone can do that anybody
Yeah, speaking of your birthday any any hork could actually pull that off
six guys
Christ you fucking animal
We're gonna act like you have
Any dignity left.
You got passed around by a fucking sports team.
You fool. It's a lot, yeah.
Okay.
It's a lot.
It is a lot, fucking slut.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, cause I think in my mind, I'd be like,
that sounds cool, but then I don't know if I could,
hey, I don't know. Yeah, she had the best time ever. I guess I shouldn't yeah, she liked it, babe
You're you're thinking like you she's I mean you need to think like her
Yeah
She's on part of my stuff. She laughs. She's looking back on it. Like what a great birthday
Yeah, she smoked half a pack of her Marlboro lights reminiscing about it
All right cut some of that out
about it. All, yeah, especially
Mexico if you're sharing if you're sharing what you think that she's gonna get diarrhea if she doesn't use it
If you're sharing with with a group of people, I think that the standard would be to use it, right?
I mean, I guess yeah, cuz yeah, cuz you know, yeah give each other diseases
I just think of all the I think of six different cum loads in you.
I just think it's just too much different cums, right?
It's a lot of different cums, yeah.
It's a lot.
That's all I'm thinking about.
It's a good thought.
It's very relevant.
I think you're making a lot of sense.
Yeah, yeah.
And strangers come.
Yeah.
From day-to-day annoyances to the big stuff life throws your way,
it's easy to get worked up.
But there's a better way, a chiller way.
Turn that canceled concert into a parking lot dance party.
Too cold for an ocean swim?
Play volleyball and light a bonfire instead.
That's choosing chill. And when you choose chill, reach for Coors Light. Seriously, is there any
better beer than Coors Light on a hot summer day? You're out on the boat, Tommy
and I throw a bunch of Coors Light into the cooler and we head out to the lake
and it's just creating such a vibe and so many great memories. When the
mountains turn blue, it's as cold as the Rockies.
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This is pretty funny.
You know we had the shaman in here?
Of course.
How can I forget him?
You guys know who we're talking about, right?
The double soul shaman that came in here?
This guy?
So no wonder the yogis have been doing it for over 5,000 years.
Drinking his piss.
Oh, I just got the chills again.
Everything that's bad for us, like injecting heavy metals and aborted fetal cells.
So he came in here.
It was pretty hilarious.
What does he have here?
This is a I guess this is a new video here.
He has out. I haven't seen it.
So I've eaten a fair amount of pussy in my lifetime.
And it's unfortunate because a lot of pussy out there.
I don't know if it's like the girls are drinking too much kombucha,
but there are pussies. I don't know. it could be that they're going through a significant biological special program of nature where the bacteria are either rebuilding or breaking down tissue in their pussies after they experienced an unexpected conflict shock. of sexual conflict shocks that happen in our society because and so anyway I have eaten
pussy where it's been like whoa that tastes like if I wanted cheese I would go to whole foods
oh my god okay but the bleeps don't cover the way they don't care about it at all um so we found
we got the security footage of when he came here but spoiler alert you don't like pussy that's why
you don't yeah yeah you know you have to like cheese to eat it.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, that's part of it.
You gotta be into it.
He's like, ugh, what's going on with all these pussies?
Yuck.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
He's not into eating puss, you know?
It doesn't seem like it.
I don't think it's the kombucha they're eating.
I think it's the pussy.
Yeah.
It's just not for you.
Good point.
Very good observation.
Thank you.
So we pulled the security footage
from when you came here because it was just ridiculous.
So this is, if you're listening,
you're gonna have to go to YouTube for,
but you can see that this is him arriving
and right away he's very huggy, very affectionate.
He gives this meaningful hug.
Look at back rub.
Yeah, who got the rub?
Back rub, like best to cougar.
Is that cougar?
Yeah.
Next guy shakes hands, by the way.
Next guy's like, hi.
Yeah.
That's his assistant.
Then in the lobby here.
He's wearing his clothes now, he's taking his clothes off.
He's taking his clothes off in the lobby.
Just sitting on the lobby couch.
Like everyone's like doing work,
and this is a community area, right?
Yeah.
You would think you would do this
maybe in the bathroom or something?
You might wanna say, is there a dressing room?
Yeah, somewhere I can go.
Look at him, fucking dropping his pants.
Just typing.
Yeah.
It just takes a while.
What are you, out of your mind?
Everybody's trying to pretend like it's normal
Is that Tanner just sitting there like?
Did he say anything while he was taking his pants off
No, he was just like talking making chit chat and then taking it was really nonchalant
Well, you know he has no qualms about no, yeah, I just happened like I looked up and his pants were coming down
I just
Okay, bro. Yeah, that's how it happened cuz we told him beforehand like hey man. Sorry. You can't do it naked
He wanted to be he wanted to be completely naked. So like he was like, oh, okay
I totally get it then Neanna sends me a message while we're in here doing the first segment
She's like hey, he's taking his clothes off in the lobby right now, by the way
Well, I shot down the naked thing because I was like, yeah, this is the workplace to
People here that don't want to see him. We got turns out there. Yeah
young kiddos
this is a
I'm walking up and then I see
That you solo you're heading down. Yeah, and he hugged and he hugged me. I get a nice back rub
Yeah, now I walk in and I'm like, oh my god. I'm so starstruck. Yeah, you got your I love him
I love him. He's my guy. He gives you a kiss. Yeah a couple of gals catching up. Yep. And then oh, yeah here is a
Yeah, a couple of gals catching up. Yep. And then oh, yeah here is a
On this screen of the top lip. Well, you can see a couple of them I'm trying to get Adam to get a hug and he's he's resisting
The shove yeah, he's like get out of here. I know what you're doing
You're rallying to get everybody to get I was trying to get everybody hugged. Yeah
That's cool. He's stretching. He's stretching. He's like in downward dog right here. Yeah, that's a good one And then look at any any walks in and he's like, nope, just hard beeline
No hard beeline No
Pausing and did you see him in your periphery? You fucking scared me. I look straight at him
I was like what the fuck okay? No, we're going this way
Straightforward yeah, what's Cougars taking pictures very deliberate walk?
Yeah, and then this is the I think that this is the oh yeah
I'm I go into this office and I think I, oh yeah,
he walks by and I think I'm able to get Reed
to get a hug here.
I think that's what I do, right?
Reed, get a hug Reed.
Reed's in the conference room and I'm like,
oh yeah, come here, come here, come here man.
Have you met, I go, have you met him?
You see him, he's like, okay, all right.
He gives very meaningful hugs. And it's also, he's in his underwear.
It's a strange way, you don't usually hug people, you know?
His body was very warm.
I remember being like, oh, he's radiating heat.
Like, he's very healthy.
Testosterone's high.
Yeah, he did some ball cupping and he was.
It's very sad that, and he didn't get his hug.
I know.
No.
Yeah, me neither.
That was a shame.
Oh, Chad didn't get a hug?
God damn.
Next time.
That will, that will happen next time.
Most definitely.
Yeah, no one's going anywhere without that happening.
He was so sweet.
He was a nice guy. I really like him.
I really like him.
By the way, it's funny that he complimented the pearls.
Remember that day?
I had pearls from Neanna.
Yeah.
That video, when you first see him walking up
and I go up to the desk and then I walk away,
that's me giving the pearls to Neanna because I knew.
I knew.
I didn't even see him yet and I just knew.
I'm like, he's going to say some shit about these pearls.
I ain't trying to play this fucking game
I was just being stupid and putting these fucking pearls on cuz she was like oh, it looks so cute
I'm like yeah, whatever and then he yeah as soon as he came in he's like by the way. I like those pearls
I'm like oh man
I fucking got you
Thanks nigga yeah I appreciate it
He got in he found his in with you
Fuck dude
Dang
Who's that guy with the pearls? Who's that guy with the pearls? with you. Fuck, dude. Dang.
Who's that guy with the pearls? Who's that guy with the pearls?
It's like this, there's this clip of 50 Cent.
I don't know if you've seen this one where he's like,
Diddy wanna take me shopping?
You see that?
I was joking.
He's like, shopping?
What the fuck are you gonna take me shopping for?
Like, what the fuck?
Take me shopping.
Diddy told 50 like, let me take you shopping. He Like, what the fuck? Take me shopping. Did he told 50, like, let me take you shopping?
He was like, the fuck?
Like, you don't take me shopping.
Yeah, like a girl.
Like, I'll buy you stuff and then you do stuff for me.
Like, what, dude?
Yeah.
Yeah, that was real fucking weird.
Yeah, he's in a bit of a pickle.
Yeah, he's being a bit of a rascal, huh?
Dude, 50 is the most ruthless
That's so rad.
Instagrammer of all time.
Yeah.
It's wild.
Yeah.
Like he just, he posts like,
uh-oh, this shit's bad.
Like, he's like.
Let's take a look, can we look?
That shit was so funny. He's the best.
As long as you're not in a argument with him,
he is awesome. He's been best. As long as you're not in a argument with him, he is awesome.
He's been all over the...
So he's suing his distributor for his liquor.
So he's one of the few people that would basically
have a distributor like that
and then be openly suing and post about it.
It's one thing to sue somebody, but he posts about it.
You stupid ass nigga, I told you stop fucking with R. Kelly.
I said grab them in the pussy, don't kidnap the pussy.
They raided your shit, I see.
I got a courtesy call when they raided my house.
You really fucked up my nigga.
Can I get a copy of the Meek Mill sex tape?
Please nigga.
Puffy, puffy puffy. you stupid ass nigga. I told you stop
So funny puffy
Goddamn, dude, that is fucking he's not sure he just posted this long. Why do you post? He's posting jay-z now
What is the jay-z shit? Oh, no, don't tell me. Anybody seen Jay? Puff said
Answering his phone. LOL. Okay, 15. Jesus Christ, dude. Okay
He's like he just posted that one. Yeah, scroll up. The white suit. The white suit. He just posted it right now
What's Jay Z doing? Last report he's seen waving at puffy jet
Bro he does this all the time he always is instigating it's really really funny. That's amazing
That's really funny. Yeah
if you scroll further down, so that was the dr. Dre walk of fame stuff. But like, he was trolling Puff for the last three months
about all this shit.
Like, he just, every bit of news that would come out,
he would post about it.
He's just fucking ruthless.
He knew.
He knew. Yeah.
Yeah, cause that- He has like, everybody has their cycle of posts.
So he has like the behind the scenes fashionable stuff.
And then he gets on a cycle where like he'll post about Floyd,
Puffy. Um, then he'll, his business stuff,
his TV shows. This was like a phase here, you know, like
but then it'll be like right back to like
Talking shit about something. Yeah, cuz he knew he's very direct with it puff was being a creep, right?
I mean, I think it was like it's pretty you know, it was pretty well known. Yeah. Yeah the musicians all knew
That's kind of how we comedians know who's a creep
Yeah, when people just know they just talk about it. You're like we all knew that
Are you guys just fighting?
I usually do this thing where they befriend somebody outside of the circle because like I just saw somebody
who has befriended a
Comedian we know who and the the new guy it's good. We can we can close this. Thanks, man
We know who and the the new guy it's good. We can we can close this. Thanks, man
Is the new guy is like not a comedian and then you go. Oh this guy doesn't know
that this comedian is a
Real shit bag right right
No, you don't know they get you a quick reminder again Josh Potter's
Show behind the jeans every Wednesday at 5 p.m. Central for channel members Thursday It goes for everyone. So if you're a channel member, you can interact with him, right? You can go live you can chat with him
You'd be trippin every Monday on the you be trippin pod. That's Ari's new travel podcast. We're producing
but it's on his podcast channel and
That's yeah, that's fucking rad. They're both been very well received
people seem to be excited about them, so
Congrats to Josh and Ari. Ari, Ari Schaeffer.
Why don't we take a quick break? Yep, and we'll be right back.
All right, we're very excited to be back. The new special Hot Crust Buns is streaming now on Netflix.
It's Dave Attell, everybody.
Thank you for having me.
I've been waiting on this.
The great one.
I've been here all week, actually across the street
at the public storage.
Yeah.
So, not much of a threat.
Well, I appreciate you waiting outside for so long.
It's great to have you here, man.
Thank you for coming in.
And both to you and Two Bears is where it started.
Yeah, well this was actually our flagship show.
Really?
This show that you're on right now, we started in 2010.
Wow.
Yeah, with Christina and I started doing it
in an apartment in Burbank.
Really?
Yeah, in 2010.
So it's been almost 14 years we've been doing it.
Well I like how it's kind of half podcast half art expo. You have a lot of different antiquities in here
Yeah, there are this is all shit. We've collected over the years a bunch of nonsense
And then there's a bunch of cool guys in the framed paintings. Yeah, who are they? Oh, they're legends
They're legends of the show. Let me see if I can give you an idea. I'd love to hear yeah
like this is one of the show. Let me see if I can give you an idea. I'd love to hear. Yeah like this is one of the most
Famous cool guys here. Let's see his
Is this I'm trying to figure his first one, you know what it's listed as is it RPC? Yeah
move in move in
Okay. Yeah, here you go. So this is like that guys who love the fuck and fuck good
If you're a hot black guy, you want to fuck me at 23 95
If you want to move in you can move in but you gotta fuck me
I mean I need to be fucked a lot man get ripped free food free rent and everything else man. Here's a deal, man
Men from jail homeless or um, you're a thug. You want to come move in a friend can move with you deal, man. Men from jail, homeless, or, um, you're a thug, you wanna come move in? A friend can move in with you too, man.
Free rent, you get a lease on a key. Fuck me. Piss on me. Beat me. Home man out.
You see me, you wanna come over today and try it out? Try it out, man.
So stuff like that.
And who is he?
He's that guy. His name is Robert Paul Champagne. He lives in New York. You could visit him when you're home.
I need a place to stay. His name is Robert Paul Champagne. He lives in New York. You could visit him when you're home.
I need a place to stay.
But I think you really captured him in that oil. I think you really did.
2395 Wagner Houses, Apartment 2C, 124th and 1st Avenue, Spanish Harlem.
Ah, I love it. I'll Uber over.
So we honor these guys who put out things like you know, if you've had any kind of erectile
Disorder problems. I'm here to tell you forget that bag or forget about salads
We get that dick and plants and all that stuff. So I don't know if you believe me or not
But if you like to see me smoke some it was a small limp dick
It didn't get hard any other way and watch more I smoke, the harder my dick gets.
It's unbelievable.
Wow.
You know what I like about him?
He whispered because he's in a group home.
Yeah.
He doesn't want to break the rules.
That's right.
I mean, he breaks the rules, but he won't break the rules.
Yeah, right.
Nice.
Yeah, the other way.
I think you did a great job.
Thank you.
So how about you, buddy?
You're on the road?
I am on the road.
I'm on tour now.
I just announced some more dates.
I'm excited.
It's been super fun right now.
I'm having a really good time.
I always think I tour hard, but you really tour hard.
I mean this guy, overseas.
Yeah, we did a bunch of overseas.
We started in Asia this year.
You guys like that.
Dave, do you like that?
You go overseas.
I can't leave the country because of my mom.
She has dementia.
And I'm always afraid to be like too far away to get there.
Let's say she finds the gun key.
Right.
Right.
But I used to do overseas, but never like,
when I did comedy overseas, it wasn't cool yet.
It wasn't like, I think now because of Netflix
and like the international,
you know, just the way things are going that people get it better.
Do you do you think so?
A thousand percent. Yeah. So they get it back then.
It was like silence and then at the end of applauding,
like we were in like a ballet or something. Yeah. It was really kind of creepy.
There were a few shows like that,
obviously in like English as a second language countries.
Yes. You're like, oh, okay.
Because you'd hit all the beats of your bit.
And then at the end there's a round of applause
and you're like, yeah, they're not like on top of it.
But that's usually a language thing.
But you could like, you live in New York,
you could go to the UK and that wouldn't be too crazy far.
That's leaving the country.
Yeah, but your six, it's a five hour flight or whatever.
What do you have a Concorde? No, I I don't think I think it's a long it's the whole thing is like,
you know, going through customs, all that kind of stuff and then getting back.
But yeah, I mean, I just stress over it.
I would say that my tour domestic is enough for me right now.
And do you do Canada?
I have, of course. And I love Canada.
I mean, like Vancouver, I think I did a theater show there
a couple years ago, probably one of the best theaters.
I mean, like the crowd was just popping.
They were so good.
And you know, they're smart, they're fun.
They get the joke.
And you know, my actual fan base,
they're really good joke people.
Do you notice like the difference between a joke crowd
and a podcast crowd?
Like basically, there seems to be like a little bit
of a disconnect
I mean they're all fans, but the joke people really they dig the joke when we started doing
This podcast and it started to get a following we would do like a 200 seat room
And sometimes we would go over into a stand-up show
And then we'll do it like a podcast the next day like a two-night thing and so but it would be all
like a podcast the next day, like a two night thing. And so, but it would be all podcast fans
cause we were advertising to them.
And when you do standup, they looked at you like,
what are you doing?
Because they felt the performance, which feels weird.
It's like if you started to do standup at like
a family dinner and people, what the fuck are you doing?
They just wanted us to talk, right?
So if you have like a huge podcast audience,
stand-up feels weird.
Yeah, they like the...
Just conversation.
They like the connection that they have with you.
They feel it's very personal.
And I totally think that's great.
It's just when you're doing your act,
sometimes there's like a disconnect of like,
what is this now?
Yeah, yeah.
No, but yeah, but once the podcast audience
sees your specials too, then they learn like,
oh, this is this kind of yeah
She's gonna do the thing like this. I hear you. Yeah, they're cool
Well, you know, hey, we're in a good spot. We're gonna get my man and I'm excited like where did you shoot?
Hot Crossbones I shot it at the cops in San Francisco, which is probably one of my favorites
You've been doing that San Francisco. Yeah, like it San Francisco always has been a great comedy town
It's always been like, you know a lot of fun and I think
My audience really came to play that night
So if anything they they did better than they got they gave more than they got, you know
Like that's how I felt that like, you know, there were some technical problems
We did two shows for the shooting and you know, director just great guy Scott Gallic I
mean this guy like over and above like just putting the time into like the
editing and I wanted to be more than just the stand-up but I also wanted to be
short yeah but evidently you have to have it at 40 minutes in order for like
it's a rate with an algorithm so so that's something that we didn't know and
I thought you had it at like 30 yeah I had a 37 and I was like I think it's
seven minutes too long.
I want it shorter.
And then we heard like just recently,
it's gotta be a 40 if you really want people
to like be able to see it.
And so I'm like, okay.
And you know, luckily Scott like jumped in there
and like, you know, did like emergency surgery on it.
Wow, wow, wow.
I didn't know that.
May I ask why you chose to do a 30 minute special?
I think that people's attention spans are kind of broke now.
And that TikTok has really had a big effect on not just young people,
but old people were all distracted.
And I do like my jokes are really short.
He knows, like, it's just I, you know, like getting a chunk of material.
I'm like, oh, man, that was cool. It's like three minutes.
So it's really hard to like fill the hour to begin with for me.
That's why I think my turnaround on specials is so low. But like, 30 minutes
seems to me like, yeah, I could sit through 30 minutes without like having to go look
at my emails or, you know, make a phone call. Yeah, but I feel like the hour now is like
so difficult for people to the audience actually to like get through it, you know, has nothing
to do with the content. It has to do with just how our brains work.
What do you think?
It's a good point,
because to sit down and dedicate an hour of your time
in your living room to watch a comic is difficult.
You got kids running around or whatever the fun.
Yeah, most people don't wanna watch,
if you hand them their phone,
they don't wanna watch even a five minute clip, right?
Five is a long time too.
Yeah, they're like, give me like 30 seconds.
That's a really good point that like,
everybody wants it immediately. That's a really good point that like, you know, everybody wants it immediately
You know, that's why this tick-tock thing is in us, you know, it's just like there's no going away from it. There's no like
Setting up stuff too. That's like it's gotta be yeah, you got to grab people
Immediately when you when you hand them when you send a clip
well much respect your way because I am a big fan of not only you but your process and
The thing is I wanted to do story like I'm not a story guy yeah I think there's great storytellers like I think bird is one of the best he's great and another guy who doesn't get any attention would be my buddy already lying who's great great storyteller he's a great on the mic he's great all the way through his stuff is is so real. You know, however, he's like, I want the real.
Yeah.
Well, I've seen already, and this was years ago in front of a today's woke
crowd doing his real stories about, you know, like all his gambling and
crazy, all these adventures and they're looking at them, their mouths open.
And like, you can almost see them like send in the sympathy dogs.
Yeah.
You know, like they were shocked to their system, but I'm like, there's
some great storytellers, I'm not a story guy, but I was like, oh, you know what? I'll like joke
I'll joke a story, you know, yeah jokes through a story just to see what that's like
So you'll see some of that in this special of like, you know kind of telling a story with jokes
Yeah, you've always done that though because I think back even like in skanks has a
Like a story but your it's just jokes kind kind of the story's disguised within jokes.
Well, I thought that was mostly just
a nice way to say dick jokes.
Well, you know.
I mean, I consider all that early stuff just like jokes.
Like that's a good example of that era of comedy,
of like, you know, keep moving, keep moving.
But you still are like that, right?
Like you move, move. I like to.
I like a jokes per minute, which I don't know, the- But you still are like that, right? Like you move, move. I like to, I like a jokes per minute,
which I don't know what you people think of it.
It seems like the younger generation doesn't really,
they kind of look down on that, like it's ham,
you know, jokes per minute.
I don't know, I mean, I think it's like,
if you're, I think anybody responds
to shit that's really funny, like you're really funny.
So, I mean, no, it's like, I mean, you have to know,
you know that like, I'm sure it makes you uncomfortable.
It does.
I'm looking at this guy, looking at my future over here.
Like, yeah, go ahead.
Every but dude, every, you're everybody's fucking favorite.
It's gotta be weird.
I wonder if though, if the fact that you know
that everybody, like all the comics,
whoever you talk about they list you
Does do you think that keeps some unspoken?
Pressure on you like that that I like to stay working hard and be good because so many people talk about you
Well, it does make you very uncomfortable, especially when you're with other people who I of course sure I
Contemporaries colleagues colleagues, whatever,
whatever the appropriate thing is to say,
but I would say that the pressure
is always on the material for me
because I have had many experiences
and I'm sure you have of like younger comics
coming in in the back, standing in the back.
And it's funny at the old punch line in San Francisco,
they had this long bar and like you'd be performing and then all of a sudden you'd see like, oh man, I'm not doing well in the back. And it's funny at the old punchline in San Francisco, they had this long bar and like you'd be
performing. And then all of a sudden you'd see like, oh
man, I'm not doing well in the back. Like you could see
to the back. And it's like all these new comics were
watching you and kind of studying you and like seeing
how to do what you do. And after a while, like, you
know, it would creep you out. But then you realize it's
like, well, that's how you learn how to do comedy. You
have to watch how to do it. Yeah. And not that I was
like the greatest. I was like George Carlin or anything. It's just like, that's how you learn how to do comedy You have to watch have to watch. Yeah, and not that I was like the greatest
I was like George Carlin or anything. It's just like hey
I was the headliner and they were watching me do it and you know
Sometimes I would reference them and talk to them and everything
But that's really the way to I would say that that was one of the things that really made me always go like every show
Should be different
You should always try and bring new material to the stage. And like, I do really, really try
like something new every time, you know,
whether it's just like, you know,
holding the microphone different.
No, I'm kidding.
That's what somebody put me on the spot.
I'm like, yeah, but I'm holding it with my left hand tonight.
You know, it's the same joke, but now it's English style.
Do you still do, I remember the,
you had the cassette tape with the rubber band.
I love that.
I wish I still had that.
You don't have that still.
I think I have it somewhere like in my storage unit.
Are you still a pen to paper guy?
Like do you?
What I do is I listen to my tapes
and then I like type them up.
You do?
I type up like the notes that I wanna do
and then I carry it around in my travel bag all the time.
And it's like funny on an airline when a guy pulls out,
it looks like I'm pulling out like court papers.
Yeah, yeah. I'm like I'm pulling out like court papers. You know, I'm like shh, looking at it
and everything like that.
It helps me to listen to my own tapes
and have you ever listened to yourself?
It's mortifying, it's the worst.
I record every set and I listen to less than 2%.
And that's the problem, it's like,
hopefully AI can help us with that.
Well, they'll listen for us and of course
bump out a better version of what we did.
Yeah, of course.
No, I was like, that to me was like always the humbling
of like, oh, I thought that was good.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, I thought that was terrible.
It was a little better than you thought.
Yeah.
But I hate when you have to go through the jokes
you like are so sick of hearing
to get to that one new little jam.
Cause you have a little thing there.
You know, you're looking for the-
But you listen all the time. It really depends where I am with stuff. You know right now. I'm in it. I guess you could say a rebuild year
Yeah, you know, I mean sure you guys start over. Yeah, what do you I mean? I kind of am very impressed with this generation of comics
I'm like a two or three ahead of you guys I guess or at least one. Yeah, how you guys are able to turn material
I mean, it's pretty amazing. I think it's just that it became,
it's less about us being so proficient or prolific in it,
and that it just became the standard
with stuff being released and then being like,
yeah, you gotta turn it over.
You have to turn it over.
It became the standard, right?
So yeah, I was like, I didn't know that that would happen. And every time that it happens, like when something comes out, I always get like, oh fuck, I gotta start over.
And then you kinda go through a few months of that dread,
but you're also working on it.
And then as soon as you get excited about something,
it's like, oh, this is fun again.
You have to get excited.
I mean, I'm sure this isn't the first time
you've heard it in this podcast,
but I think I've shot my load.
I think this is it for me.
Done. I'll take a few more shots of it. I mean, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard it in this podcast, but I think I've shot my load.
I think this is it for me.
Done.
I'll take my place on the wall.
You know, let's get the Natal painting up quick.
Perfect.
Yeah, you're going to be is because I haven't seen it yet because it came out today.
Yeah, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
Well, is the Milwaukee bit in this?
Yeah, yes. And that's actually on the trailer the trailer for, uh, for Netflix, you know.
I saw you do that. I saw that live. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. Cause you did, you were at the
mothership a few months ago. That's right. Yeah. And I saw that there. But I would say my problem
is, uh, I don't know if it's a problem, but my thing with me is that the joke is never done.
It's always being rewritten all the time.
I have multiple versions of every joke.
You know, like sometimes people try and corner you,
like I heard that joke.
I'm like, no, you heard a version of that joke.
Yeah, that's totally different.
The set up, setups I always find are hard.
That's why I'm like, I'm jealous that you guys,
you're all married with kids.
I mean, that must be like a setup, like Bonanza.
It is, it is.
So you have, I've heard this about you, that you'll have a great set, you must be like a setup like Bonanza. It is. It is. So you have I've heard this about you that you'll have a great set.
You'll be David Tell and then you'll fly home on the airplane and rewrite jokes.
Is this true? Well, when I'm being good, yeah.
Usually it's just sitting there, rewriting my life like in front of an airport
chain smoking like, oh, man, I can't believe this is it.
Yeah. But I like to I like to that's a very good point of like, you know,
when it's fresh in your mind and you're like, man, I should have said it this way.
And I will definitely do that if I can.
Like if I'm being very productive on a flight, on a train, you know. Yeah. So,
you know, it's a weird thing.
It's like the most important unimportant job that we have.
I mean, the world isn't going to stop. Right.
But like for us, it's like all in, you you know yeah, so and I think that does wear you out
Do you still get newspaper do you get a paper do I get newspaper yes?
Paper yeah, I read papers. I read all the different papers, and I think topical jokes
You know there's such a like you know who knew that like
Topical jokes would be like you know there, there's always like, you know, they're like little ticking, you know, like you never know how it's gonna go.
Yeah. And what's funny for like three days is not funny. Two weeks later, I know plenty of like that. Sure.
You know, like so many things have happened since I started the specialty now. And that's why I like there's some guys who are great, like Nate and stuff like that.
You know, Nate Pregasi and these guys where it's like, you know, this stuff is like timeless, you know, it's like perfect.
There's a couple of guys like that are just like genius.
Yes. Yeah.
But the topical stuff is always very fun in the home.
Yeah. It's like you're giving the audience like sugar, you know, like, whoa.
They're like tingling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little trick.
Yeah, that is it's a little trick.
But what's your thoughts on props?
Because my special is full of a load of. Yeah, that is the best. It's a little trick. Well, what's your thoughts on props? Cause my special is full of a boatload of them.
I'm a huge fan.
Huge fan.
It really is.
Magic.
I said to my producer, I go,
we have so many other things in it.
Cause I wanted to be more than a special.
So I was like, we have so many things else in it.
You know, I'm playing the recorder
and other things are happening.
So I'm like, we've actually made the audience forget
I did standup.
It's great. It's like when you have to follow a Van Triloquist.
You know, something.
Did you have on this tour,
this tour leading up to this special,
any disaster shows?
Any shit shows?
I don't really think I do well any, anytime.
I feel like every other show,
especially in the showcase world where it's not my crowd,
I'm like, I'm not relevant.
It's a young crowd.
They're a little bit more sensitive.
Anything you try, like, fails. So I feel like I have like,. It's a young crowd. They're a little bit more sensitive. Anything you try like fails.
So I feel like I have like,
I usually like have like,
I'd say every other other is a bomb.
You know, in my, in my world of like,
sure I'll get a couple of laughs,
but nothing new came out of it.
I started hating on the group, you know, like, oh, oh,
I get it. That you bought that bothers you, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And you know, it's really usually like the big towns
like New York, LA.
When you're doing like showcase shows.
Yeah, you know, and those used to be the shows
and I was talking to Ory Shafir who I really respect,
especially in the world of like, you know,
him and I work at The Cellar and I'll go up there
and I'll, you know, like I'm usually, I go on laughs.
So I'll be like having to do stuff to get laughs, you know,
that I don't want to do, but whereas he'll do it
and like he's doing his new stuff regardless.
Like he's out there to try stuff.
And I really think that's balls.
Yeah. And Jim Norton,
another guy who doesn't get enough attention as a comic,
he's another guy, he goes up really working on his material.
And it's like, I do that to some degree,
but I'll always default down to like,
oh, okay, I better get a laugh now.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I feel like it's a, you know, it's coward being a coward.
Nah, come on.
No, you're, no, these people have paid. Yeah, exactly. That's true. That's another thing we forget is's a you know, it's coward being a coward. No, come on. No, you're no these people have paid. Yeah
Exactly. That's true. That's another thing. We forget is that yeah, you know, these people actually came out to be at the same mic rod
Especially they're older they like a night out is a big deal for them
And like you look at them and they have to like all like broken, you know
They're exhausted and I like I feel for him. It's like I owe them a show. Yeah. Yeah for sure
I think that's very professional And I feel for them, it's like I owe them a show. You know? Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
I think that's very professional.
Thank you.
You know, it's so fucked up too,
how like it's all the turn of phrase,
it's all how the words come together
and the efficiency of the words
and finding the right combination, right?
Yeah.
And that takes so fucking long sometimes.
And then sometimes you get lucky, right?
And you just say it right the first or second time.
You know, that is so cool that you bring that up, because
I think everyone can agree that sometimes you hit gold
and you're like, that works so well.
And then you, the person gets in the way of whatever
that magical moment was.
And you've turned the phrase or you took a pause somewhere.
And now it doesn't work at all.
And you're like, what happened? You know, it just like fell out of your hand. you've turned the phrase or you took a pause somewhere and now it doesn't work at all.
And you're like, what happened?
It just like fell out of your hand.
So you spend the next year thinking about it.
I went through my old,
do you have like a thing of like old stuff that never worked
but keep trying?
Yes.
So I've got that thing.
It's almost like, it almost looks like a remembrance wall
of like ideas, you know
Like things like that are no longer even around anymore. Yeah, you know, just something like, you know GameStop
Yeah, you know, it's weird in there. You know that kind of thing
No, I
Yeah that that whole thing of there's sometimes the Matt the magic of saying something the first time.
Yeah.
That you're like, holy, you look around the room, you're like, this is it.
And it's just because how you said it the first time in that moment.
And it's like, can't even be repeated.
It's not necessarily like because it's a great joke.
There's just something about how you say something the first time.
Sometimes can't be mimicked.
Because you caught the wave.
It's like the crowd was right and you were right
and it's like that magical thing there.
And that's the thing that I think that as a guy
who doesn't drink or anything like that,
that to me is like the, you know, the opium of it.
You know, it's like that, whoa, oh dude,
I would love that if that happened every moment.
You know, that would be great.
That would be great.
Yeah, fuck.
I know.
I try to fucking, I try to like I
Have one bit too that I've I've been
Doing it like you're talking about you've had it and it and and every hour
I pull it out and I adjust something like I tweak it
Yeah, and it gets better and then I don't have it on a special
So I'll bring it back and then I'll add something. So this is like the fourth iteration of this thing.
But it's better than it's ever been, you know what I mean?
Cause I've done it, I've done it, and I've made it better.
Well, how about this?
What do you guys think of this?
Where it's like, people go, do you watch your stuff?
Like I have a special out, so it's like,
I'm not watching that, you know why?
Cause I've already rewritten every one of those jokes in there.
They're all different, there's parts of those jokes and new jokes.
And I'm like, oh, I can't put that one here now.
You know, so there's a lot of regrets and remorse in it.
Yeah. You know, to be honest, it's like
you capturing a moment whenever you do a special,
we capturing an actual moment of that person and the times and all that.
And I think a lot of people think it's like music. It's not.
It's not at all like it's like it's almost like highlights from a prize fight or something like that.
You know, it's like that moment, you know.
So for me, it's like very hard to watch myself anytime
because of self-hatred.
Oh, my God. You guys.
I mean, you know, I've done a lot of podcasts this week.
And I hate to say, but it seems to be on every podcast.
The the host has to be shaved head with working out.
So some kind of, I didn't read that in the paper,
but that's the new thing.
But you look good.
But I'm like, you know, honestly,
it's great to talk to other people who get it,
but you know, other, you know,
the people in the audience world,
they're like, why wouldn't you want to watch
and have a big party?
I'm like, party?
I'm like, I'm hiding, you know?
You can always, like when we were in green rooms,
especially like a few years in,
there would be like a newer,
you could tell he was a newer guy that comes in,
and he would talk about loving watching himself.
And I'm like, okay, first of all,
this guy's a fucking psycho.
And secondly, he can't be good.
Like nobody good is like, I love to watch myself.
It's like, it's one of the hardest things.
You know, I think you start thinking about your mannerisms,
how you move, your voice.
Yeah, the way you're standing.
You're like, I'm leaning on that leg weird.
The whole thing is, I can't watch myself.
Well, I've seen people actually show me a clip
and like, you can't be, you know, mean.
So they'll show you a clip and they'll be like, I'll be like,
that's really good. But there actually were no laughs in it.
There was applause. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was like, maybe like at the end,
like a little like sound or something like that. Sure. And like, you know,
who's who it's the real hardest on, I think we'll agree with this is like,
I remember like when it kind of changed over in comedy and like the club owners,
who were the gatekeepers before the web,
like you'd audition for a club and they go like,
you suck or hey, come back in six months
or this kind of thing.
All that is kind of over all that rough talk.
You know, that kind of like, you know, headline.
I wouldn't even let you park cars here.
You know, that talk is over.
That would crush people.
They would they would basically run out and and like kill themselves.
So now the club owners were the ones that really had to adjust
their idea of what is considered funny in our world.
They'd be like, you know, like I remember we'd be like, please.
I thought I know them all.
You know, I've been on the road forever.
So I'm like, what?
You know, I'm like, you had a guy.
So what did you think?
There was like good turnout. Like they would never say they're funny yeah it's
like good good turnout I mean you know the guy was very respectful you know he
needed a candle in the green room but other than that I mean no problem like
was a guy you know like you know I was out of the room a lot I really don't
know they're dodging the question. It's totally changed in that regard. Totally changed. Yeah.
Yeah. We used to, um,
God, the abuse. I miss that. Yeah.
I was told one time in Boca Raton,
there was a guy who went up before me and he had half a grapefruit and then he
had a hanger and then he would pretend to fuck the grapefruit with the hanger.
And then the grapefruit juice was all over the stage. And I was,
I went up after him and I was sick. I had a fever, but I did my act.
I ate shit.
And the guy with the club owner was telling me
what a piece of shit I was after.
And he was like, you suck, you're not funny.
And I go, yeah, but that's the way you think
the guy with the grapefruit's funny.
He's like, that guy at least has an act.
You don't have a fucking act.
And I was like, well, he's right there.
He actually does have a better act than me.
He killed.
Yeah, well, honestly, just the whole,
you guys know who you're gonna perform with now, right?
You guys always know.
But I always remember like going into a town,
like before you could bring people,
you were always like, for some reason,
there was a local headliner, the big gun,
was not out of town that week that you're there
and they've decided to middle for you.
And I'm like, cool.
But they would spend the entire weekend gunning you
off that stage with local references,
with like, you know, whatever their secret codes
of the thing, you know, I'm in Denver, you know,
but that's what an omelet is.
I'm like, what does that mean?
Let me in on it.
Yeah, yeah.
And I'm like, dude, I get it.
You want a headline. I understand that, what does that mean? Let me in on it. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dude, I get it. You want a headline.
I understand that.
No, they would try to snipe you all the time.
Yeah.
It made you better, but it also made you just think about
in these little comedy scenes,
there always was the drama of it.
I'm sure you know, right?
Yes, yes.
Just like the good wrestler, bad wrestler kind of situation.
But now I try and get the locals on as much as I can,
give them a guest spot.
I think there's something about being in front of
a big crowd, but then I kind of learned my lesson too.
It's like sometimes that can be a good thing,
sometimes it can be a bad thing of really green people
going on in front of a crowd.
But my crowd's really forgiving.
I mean, they really wanna give a shot.
So I figured that's, cause it's really, the whole thing is about stage time. Nobody of a crowd. But my crowd's really forgiving. I mean, they really wanna give a shot. So I figured that's,
because it's really, the whole thing is about stage time.
Nobody has a secret.
It's about getting up there and chewing on it basically.
I learned now that one of my friends,
not like a big ticket seller,
but can get weeks.
He said that the clubs don't even offer,
they don't do like we used to
do you know Thursday through Sunday or even Wednesday. He's like they just offer
you Friday Saturday now. That's it. Oh because the headliner doesn't do like
the Wednesday through, no he's saying, he's just saying that like the clubs are like
here's the offer it's Friday Saturday. Oh wow. They don't do like we used to do you
know. Yeah the whole fucking week. Five nights and's like, they don't even offer that. Wow.
So how do you get good?
That's so tough.
They don't nurture the younger comics.
And they book, you know, TikTok stars and YouTube stars.
They're like, yeah, like they filled it up.
They filled it up.
And you're like, okay.
Yeah, what do you guys think of the, like,
I'm all for this TikTok thing,
as long as it's like on the off nights or afternoons
or something like that, you know, like,
but it seems like they kind of drifted into the weekend.
So, you know, there's a lot of great comics out there who aren't getting worse. So know that right?
So I'm always like not only you up against this whole fill in seats
But you're also up against people who can immediately fill seats and they're taking up the good weekends, you know
You know, but I would say that since we are in the I don't know where we are in the comedy boom
Where do you think we are?
It's um, I feel it's still in an up so high. I think we're in the comedy boom. Where do you think we are? It's still in an upswing.
It's still high.
I think we're in the Titanic
and there is something ahead of us.
Yeah, there is.
Yeah, there is.
It's not here yet.
It's still a party.
It's still a party, but we all are distracted.
Yeah, something's happening.
But there's still shockability
because that's really cool.
It's so easy to shock right now, which is such a gift.
Because I remember like in 2008, you really had to work.
You could say everything back then.
You think that was the cutoff then, 2008?
About that, I wanna say around,
yeah around when Obama got elected,
things started to get a little closed.
Yeah.
You're like, there it goes on my own word base.
There was stakes. Tell me about it.
There was the ramification to comedy. Cause that was- It started to get sensitive. I'm like, okay it goes on my own word base. Tell me about it. There was the rabification to comedy.
It started to get sensitive.
I'm like, okay, this is weird.
Yeah.
Oh no, that was the last time, right?
That was fun, 2010 maybe?
I just noticed that like, there was this,
I mean, look, the culture changes every few years.
I remember, I would think close to then,
people would openly say like,
oh, on stage. Yeah, they could tell. Yeah, people would openly say like, oh on stage, you know, really?
Yeah, like that was just like it was, you know,
people would laugh and then, and the other thing that there used to be
this crowd work thing that I feel like was very common that
you could tell like how society changes where like if two guys were together,
a comic on stage would be like, what is this your boyfriend?
Yeah.
And everybody would laugh and there just a comic on stage would be like, what is this, your boyfriend? Yeah.
And everybody would laugh.
And there just came a time where it just like it just tipped over, where
you just people just stopped with that reference, which like, you know,
you could be like, yeah, it's very dated or whatever.
But it's because they were just like, yeah, that that probably is.
Yeah, it became it became not a joke.
You pretty much just described every guy I started with on Long Island,
which was all that. Hey, you're this. Yeah. Yeah.
You're like that. Yeah.
And then you can't do that.
And then a lot of stereotypical, you know, and this guy does this
and these people do this. And why do they smell like that?
You know, that kind of stuff.
So that was like hardcore Long Island, you know, Jersey comedy.
Yeah. And the crowd loved it.
They loved it. They loved it.
And every one of them, you would think like, oh, well, what's wrong with And the crowd loved it. They ate it up. They loved it. They loved it.
And every one of them, you would think like,
oh, well, what's wrong with these people?
It was like, they were regular people, you know.
They're having a night out.
You're allowed to say these things, you know.
So they didn't see any kind of thing.
And you know, it was also like,
it was also, what's it called?
Like a fire forget kind of situation.
Like a weapon, like, you know, that was, you know,
it's like, what are you talking about?
That was last night, you know.
There's another night ahead of you.
That's what was a comedy.
Now it's like every show is like in perpetuity.
You know, it's like, you know, it's like they around the web, you know,
it's like going around.
It's like that was just like somebody said in the moment, you know, now there's,
like I said, stakes to everything.
So but that's a good tell, like 2008, I guess it was still fun back then.
I also dread a lot of these.
I feel like a lot of them are work now like just like
It's really didn't come out for a party here, that's for sure it is funny
How you like you can just say something?
I mean I I get it in especially popping up in the in the clubs and into like local sets
Where you can just say one thing and immediately you just feel the whole crowd into like local sets where you can just say one thing and immediately
you just feel the whole crowd go like, yeah, it's a, it just feels like a judgment,
but it's like, it's weird.
And then it feels like they went from like, we're here to have a good time to like,
that's not what you say.
Yep.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, uh, you know, I was going to ask you a question, big room, small room, like
now you said you just played an amphitheater and stuff like that.
And, you know, much props for doing that.
But when you're there, like in the, you know, in the wind,
in the whatever, in the outdoor world of comedy, you know,
do you go like, you know what?
You know, there's something comedy can do,
something comedy can't do.
And I think that the outdoor shows are the hardest.
I do too.
I think the thing that always makes a difference,
like you can talk poorly or you can gloat
and praise any place, but it's like because of how great
or bad a crowd was.
Do you know what I mean?
Like you could shit on, I mean,
I've had horrible sets outdoors horrible
But it's amplified by the way. Yeah, I've seen a bad
And it really does look like a guy it looks like a dictator trying to explain to his subjects why yes
That's true. Have you ever had a great outdoor show? Well, I just did that's what I was saying like once in 20 years
Yeah, we had two nights. So like that's why I was like there's something special about
here and it was a st. Augustine amphitheater and
Here's it like you come in first of all, they have like just a very cool
Crew like staff there and a place that makes a big difference
They catered lunch and dinner for everybody.
They had like an outdoor area for people to hang,
ping pong tables, they had cool decor,
like a fun atmosphere.
That's nice.
Very nice, friendly people then.
And so we had our first show there and it was fantastic.
And then we left and we do another show
and then we come back the next day to do,
the day after to do another show there. we come back the next day to do the day after to do another show there and it was unreal you know they they did like a an oyster like
they steamed oysters for us right there on the spot. Do you think it was the
hospitality? The hospitality plays a role in like hey I like it here but the
crowds at both shows. There's a 5,000 seer at both shows were like so hot.
And part of that, I think, is that it's, you know, it's St.
Augustine. So a lot of times like the the not.
You know, like, you know, New York, L.A., they're they're like,
hey, we get everything right.
So I think when you go to certain markets, they're like more excitable
that you're there, even though even though it's not it's not like a tiny market.
I'm saying like they get but they're pumped.
You're there. New York, you can see anything.
They were pumped.
And so I think if you put that you put that crowd anywhere,
you're like, that's fucking awesome.
Well, here's what I like about the outdoor shows is that the weather is a part of the show.
And that also the setup of an outdoor show, especially like on Bert's tour.
You know, this is really complicated. He gives them a great show. There's multimedia effects involved and
But like you're on a stage and you're trying to like blah blah blah blah
You're walking around in this like electrical cords and like high-tension things all there is like I've been in a step on that
You know, there'll be some guy like don't go there. Don't go over there. Don't go over there
I'm just gonna put my drink on this. Don't do that. Do not do that. That's a transponder. And he's going to black out the
town. Yeah. Yeah. You know, then it's like, you're looking at, you know, I'll just look up, you know,
because there's really nothing to look at. You're like looking up, you know, there's like,
you know, the grid, they always have like with the lights, they're swaying. It's like one of
those is going gonna fall.
Yeah, sure.
How could it not?
Yeah, there's.
You might see a plane pulling a banner, you know.
There's inherent danger.
Yawn.
Yeah, yeah.
Just work the atmosphere for a minute,
look at that cloud coming in at us.
But yeah, that's the outdoor shows, you know.
Yeah, I've had one that shell shocked me.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, you know like where a bomb just like,
like you leave and you're like, what the fuck?
That's tough.
Yeah.
And it's not an easy walk out to the car.
You gotta go through tunnels and all this kind of stuff
and there's a locker room somewhere, you know, that's tough.
It's tough, man, yeah.
And you start thinking about it and then you go,
then you go, it's the place,
I should never go to that place again.
Exactly.
The place.
It's cursed.
It's cursed.
Somebody hates me there.
But I always try, you know,
cause we've all seen that Super Bowl halftime.
It's like, just be bigger.
You know, like just bring bigger energy,
which is like, I don't know how to do it
like you guys do with the big room,
you know, like the big room thing.
But like, it just makes you look like you're bombing, you know, like yeah
Then I said, let's go for coffee. Yeah
You think it is but you do have to like dial it up in a not
Artificial way in big room
I think you know I mean like you if you're this guy like you stand like this
You can still do that
But you just have to be like you dial up how animated you are
Yeah, that's important you have to kind of go like because I've had people also with me where I'm like you're just you're too
Small right now you got up. You got to project a little more. Yeah, right. There's fucking 10,000 people
You can't just now I've done toys with guys back in the day who we were doing theaters
But and back then that was like a big deal 10,000 people you can't just. Now I've done tours with guys back in the day who we were doing theaters,
and back then that was like a big deal.
Where they really like knew how to work a theater crowd
and they were really like, they loved it.
Like you could tell like they felt like,
this is where I belong and they own this space.
And I was like, man, I'm so jealous.
Like I didn't.
What's your ideal setup for comedy?
What size crowd do you love?
Well, I'd like a half full room on a Monday.
I feel like my ego matches the crowd.
No, I think like a 400, 300 seat comedy club
is where it's at, or a thousand plus seat theater,
a small one.
There's a lot of great small theaters out there.
It's just like, you travel and then you got to drive
and then you get there and you realize,
you didn't really make any money, but it was a great beautiful theater shows in thousand
Thousand theaters are sometimes the best shows. They are. Yeah, and it's also I think there's a couple of
really really well, it's all about the acoustics and I think
Comedy works Denver is all the best
It's I put that at the top of the list, the downtown club of like,
just like spoils you for what sound should sound like.
Yeah. You know, part of it says those low ceilings and yeah.
And just that, you know, you get a full crowd in there and like,
you are hit with a wall of laughter. It's like, it's intoxicating.
You just did a, uh, you do like a thousand seat theater. You just did one.
Where was it? Where,'t remember where, which one?
In New York or Connecticut or something? Yeah. Yeah. Connecticut.
Connecticut has a lot of theaters. Yeah. So great. And I was like, Oh no,
this is going to be like a conservative town.
They're going to be like these uptight people that live in the city,
like the brokers, the buy sell, buy sell guys. And they were just the best.
They were nuts. That's awesome.
I liked the little town theaters because of the shows coming up
and it's always like,
Spirogyra or like something very soothing.
You know, it's like.
Yeah, it's so great.
Disconnect and revitalize with
and it's somebody you've never heard of.
Dave, I love how self-loathing you are.
It's so refreshing and like,
I think the greatest ones are.
Really? Well, thank you.
I would say that that's my Spidey power if you will yourself ain't yeah
but yeah I mean I wouldn't wish it on anybody but you know I'm a pretty lucky
cat outside of that how do you guys get through the night I mean honestly there's
a lot of quiet yeah. Really? Yeah.
Not after that oyster bar thing.
That oyster bar was the shit.
That was really like, I was like, they had an oyster bar in Florida?
The flies.
The flies.
They also had the table.
So they had a table where the steamer was built into the table.
Wow.
Do you know what I mean?
So like, you steamed them in the table.
That's fucking amazing.
That's for the house. That's not for the crowd though
Yeah, that's just for us. It was just for the comics and like this the crew. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it was awesome
Well, that's pretty sweet. Yeah saying obviously an amphitheater. You're the shit
Yeah, look at it good show
Elephants this is Safari. Yes, this is a far it's to Kenya. Yeah
Cool that is pretty cool
Shit, I guess you can't go down that road. That's don't go down that road
That's we need that on the border
Let's get some elephants down there
Some fucking huge elephant
Why did that make me laugh I never laughed make me laugh? I never laugh at these.
You don't.
I never laugh at these.
And you really laugh there.
I think because I'm so afraid of ladders,
I never would do that.
Oh!
Like she should know better in my mind.
She's okay.
Yeah, but no better.
Wow.
Don't get on a fucking ladder.
That is, yeah, I'm afraid of ladders too.
Really?
No thanks.
I was thinking of it because you never know.
You need a friend with a ladder,
someone to hold it. Yes, hold it. Nobody else.. I don't trust anyone. Do you ever get like fascinating with
window washers you know? Yeah in New York. Oh my god. Yeah those guys are heroes. Yeah. Nobody
thinks about them until like one's dangling for his life. Yeah I know. They need a day. 80 floors up.
They need their own day. They do need their own day. They do. I mean no one knows this. Oh this one's gorgeous. Oh! Oh!
The lack of awareness too is really what you get on this.
Oh that's terrible.
But the space is only this big, how does she eat it?
And the guy's just there to like hold her, like step here, and she steps into the gap.
How do you fail?
Just step right there.
Just go, oh!
And then you hear them go, she can, Dan! Yeah! Ah ha ha!
And then you hear them go, she can't swim.
Yeah.
Well, she's dead for sure.
She didn't make it, right?
No way.
She's gotta be dead.
She can't, how are they gonna rescue her?
The boat is here, the dock is here.
It's cement in a boat.
What an awesome end that straw hat did.
Yes.
What happened?
She's gone.
We lost her.
What's this? Oh shit. Oh! Oh! Oh shit. Oh! She's gone. We lost her.
Oh shit. Oh my God.
He's not OK. I can always watch these because I know that's never going to happen to me.
Yeah, that's good. I don't jump.
Never going to ski.
Dude, fuck skiing. He's so fucked up.
He's so fucked up.
How about this guy? He's going to make it. Nope. up. He's so fucked up. That's terrible. How about this guy?
He's gonna make it.
Nope.
No.
That's a whole bunch of limbs broken too.
Shoulder, arm.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yeah.
He's all broken.
He's totally, oh god.
Holy shit.
He actually is dead, I think.
Is he alive?
I hope so.
He broke every bone in his body.
And look at those outfits too.
Oh.
This is so. They have to cut that at those outfits too. Oh, so sad.
They have to cut out the EMTs like, oh no.
There's more.
Oh, this is better.
This is more of the, yeah.
That's what's up.
This guy, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
The amount of rotations.
Oh, that's rock.
Did he hit the rock?
Oh, I think he did.
I don't know why these are tickling kids.
Yeah, you're really laughing at this.
I think because I know how stupid this is as a hobby.
I think this is the stupidest thing you can do. People die skiing all the time.
Do you ski?
Don't do this. Why are you doing this? It's cold.
Never ski?
I've never skied in my life and I'm perfectly fine not having skied.
I will never do this and I'll never do it.
Here's one more. It's the last one.
I think he's going gonna be fine though.
This guy makes it out alright.
Uh oh.
Oh no.
Oh!
I'm blaming the slope.
Is this the same slope?
It's the same slope.
Wow.
Bro.
Oh shit, dude.
I never, ah.
It's kinda nice that they're all unconscious though,
you know?
I hope so.
Each of them got knocked out.
Ha ha ha.
That is the nice part, as you say.
I think so far of the people I feel sorry for is the woman on the ladder.
I think that was the one, she had to do that.
You don't just go, hey, it's a nice day, let's climb up and down on a ladder.
She had someones going on up there, maybe a cat, she's getting a cat down.
Not like these guys over here, these playboys.
These playboys.
Back at the lodge, there's gonna be a lot of talking.
Pretty good.
Those are some sweet clips.
You're right about the colors of the outfits.
Why do they have to be so gay?
Why can't they have cool?
I thought they were flags of countries or something.
Where's that?
Why do you have to do pink and hot, you know,
hot pink and blue?
Can't they have like cool black?
I would have all white so no one would see me so bad like on the slope
So when you've died like this, they don't even get you I guess so they could find you in the avalanche. That's probably why
That's so weird man. Fuck and look at the guys coming to help him. That's like his pit crew. Yeah
What happened you good? No
You realize who is probably like it could be like 15 broken bones. Oh at least
Bleeding
You launch yourself like a hundred miles an hour off Wow
Why don't they just build the hospitals by the ski slopes? Wouldn't that be so much easier than having the helicopter them out?
Did you ever see that clip of Bobby Kelly on that inner tube? Which one? Bobby Kelly. He's like on an inner tube
He's on vacation with his kids. I love Bobby. Yeah, and he goes flying up to and cracks his ribs
Oh, no. Yeah, he has it on camera and he said that he like, he was like, I'm good.
And he had the, he walked over,
he didn't want to see his kid to see him getting like,
carted out, but he met the ambulance on the other side
to go to the hospital.
There's nothing worse than the crack rib.
There's really nothing they can do for it.
You can't do anything.
You can't do anything for it.
Yeah.
Do you like learning other languages?
Do you ever do that?
You know what, I was talking to somebody recently,
I go like, you know, no one's had more chances
to learn another language than me.
I mean, in high school, you know,
they have like Spanish, French and all that,
because I've now, didn't.
Never took to it?
Hebrew school, I'm Jewish,
trying to teach me another language, no,
didn't think about it.
Then in college, I went to college in New York City,
I could have learned Haitian.
Yeah. Southern Somalia, I mean. I could have learned Haitian. Yeah
Southern Somalia, I could have learned a lot of but I wish I knew them. Yeah now there's so many apps
Yeah, and like yeah, you can learn like I've been practicing mostly practicing Italian But even like before I went to Japan for like a couple months
I was doing little Japanese lessons and you know, it helps you learn like Korean looks cool this is a Korean lesson. You in Korean.
You are the best.
I like you.
Korean. That seems more like a re-education camp.
Like where they like, you know,
ha ha ha ha ha.
You will learn.
You will learn, yeah.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
That's an app you can get?
Yeah, I can send you these links.
I'm sure my phone already knows about it.
I'm sure it's already on my phone.
That's great.
I think that would be a great language to learn too, Korean.
Korean would be great.
Mandarin will really set you up.
I'm just saying for the K-pop experience, like you finally understand what they're singing about.
니가 최고야.
You want to try?
No thanks, Tom Hanks. You try.
니가 최고야.
Wow!
I'm halfway there.
You're halfway there.
How hard can it be?
That's not that bad.
That's a tough gig.
That's a tough gig.
Yeah. It's is. Yeah.
It's beautiful.
Look how skin is.
What's another language?
What do you guys have?
Well, so I have on my phone,
I have, like I said, the Italian stuff.
I have a little bit of French I've done.
Yeah.
French is supposed to be easier for us, but.
Is it?
Yeah, there's a lot more shared English
with French than any other language. Well, you know what they say is like overseas and this is so true is that they learn English by watching our TV shows
Yes, and you know, I've tried to do it the other way. We watch their TV shows and I've just fallen asleep. Yeah
There's actually some great shows coming out of Korea for sure Korea makes also arguably the best movies
No, it just shit.
They have a great filmmaking world.
Their problems over there, especially with credit
and all the stress of school and stuff like that.
It's pretty interesting to see another country.
The cool thing about Korean movies too is,
so when you make a movie in the States here,
a lot of times you go, all right,
and so then in the end, he cries because she left him.
And then the movie studio here will be like,
well, that's not a cool ending.
So make it so that she comes back and everybody feels good.
And in Korea, they're just like, no, no, no,
she leaves and then the guy kills himself.
And then they're like, print.
Then they make the movie, they make it like that.
I think that was adorable how you put in our movies that the she and he, when it's them and they,
Yeah.
During the pitch. And then they says, you know what, why break up a good thing?
And then it says back.
So presumptuous, Tom.
You want to show Dave something?
Oh man, yeah. I don't know, are you familiar with TikTok? Are you on there? I'm not on there as much as I should be, I think just talking. You want to show Dave something? Oh man, yeah. I don't know. Are you familiar with TikTok? Are you on there?
I'm not on there as much as I should be.
Okay.
Do you have a page?
I'm going to, yeah, to put my clips up.
You gotta put the clips up.
Yeah.
Especially there.
And for a long time I was like,
that's not how I want people to see it.
But now I realize that, like I said,
the attention span.
They're gonna love it.
But anyway, I like to curate clips from TikTok,
but the outliers, I like to share
the marginalized communities.
I like that too.
So it's not people dancing.
Get ready for a ride.
Hello.
You missed me?
You're asking me where I am?
Where do I want to be?
Not in the Nahlat,
but this time from another place.
Where am I?
It's Ramadan.
That guy is great.
He's cool.
He is the, he's the Lawrence That guy is great. He's cool. He is the
He's he's the Lawrence of Arabia of bees. Yeah, sorry that's long, but yeah, I mean first first impressions
You know what I'm gonna give that guy a rose. Yeah, I mean the bees love it
For his dead sleep Oh
Dead sleep
So bad he doesn't know what happened
Like you know you falling out of bed. This is like your worst nightmare It's so far why you don't sleep up this one is a great one. Thank you. I grew up in bunk beds
I can't tell you how many times that happened really yes
I was masturbating or something up there and my brother would kick it like,
I could see what you're doing.
Come flying out.
Did you fall on the hard floor like that?
No, no.
No, we had I think called the carpet, not like this.
What is this?
It's a Turkmenistan.
This is a hostel I think.
The youth hostel.
Yeah, it does feel like it.
I'm glad someone's finally asking this question. My, cool, they are. Oh, this is good.
My problem is that I'm too hot,
too successful in my career.
I make too much money,
I have too many amazing friends and family,
too many cute clothes.
Do you know how hard it is to choose an outfit each day?
I also have so many amazing and hot people
sliding into my DMs every day.
It's time consuming to respond to all these messages. Honestly, I've on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet.
I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. I'm on the internet, I'm on the internet. and there were early aughts. So that's great.
And at least, you know, I like the positive.
Positive spin on you.
Yeah, the positive spin.
And she still has vocal fry, which is amazing.
Yeah.
With all the hormones you take.
By the way, it's never.
These are just random.
It's never naturally occurring.
It is wild to see, and she has
gargantuan tits with the chest hair.
I didn't wanna make mention of it.
Yeah. So I'm trying to make mention of it. Yeah.
So I'm trying to think, so girl first
and then transition to male?
Is that what we're saying?
But the glass frame says it all.
I'm a reader.
Things to remember about mirrors in public.
Put your finger up to it.
And if there's a space,
you're in a safe place.
Fun facts of Brian.
So this is a policeman and he posts these videos
to help people stay safe.
So apparently that's not a fake mirror
where people can be behind it watching you pee and stuff,
which I never understood anyway.
Who wants to watch people take shits?
But some people do.
I love it. I thought that was pretty interesting I can see
the eyes moving on the paintings so he gives like some like like when you go to
a strange hotel or something like that correct nice so if there's a space if
there's a space in between your finger and the mirror it's an actual mirror
whereas if you do it it's like a false mirror like a one-sided mirror then there
will touch it would touch the space so this is really good knowledge like where Whereas if you do it, it's like a false mirror, like a one-sided mirror, then there will be no space. Yeah.
So this is really good knowledge.
Like, where is he on the algorithm of these things?
That's the thing is you get everything on TikTok.
Okay, but I'm hoping this one is a little higher
because it actually can help people.
Yeah, it's useful.
Then the ski falls.
Which guy do you like better?
The positive guy?
Yeah, I like that.
Yay, let's go. go hey good to see you
again or the negative guy I don't like this? He's talking to his dog, right?
I mean, that's the old people at the end.
That's all you got is that dog.
I like the positive guy better than the drooling maniac.
But there was something about the elderly and technology.
I've already said,
hey, you know what, at that point, I'm not doing it.
No.
I mean, these are his ham radio years.
Yeah, that's true. Hello. Come in come in Cuba
You still have the flip phone yeah
Want me to call him yeah, give him a call and how you feeling
Don't climb any ladders flip phone Dave, yeah You didn't know that? You still on the flip?
Can you text message people with that?
Yeah, absolutely.
He has to do it.
He has to do like three pushes on the wall.
No.
People are like, oh, it takes you so long.
Oh, really?
Why, you're going to send somebody a couple of hearts
and an Apple face?
I mean, come on.
This is, it comes from the heart.
How old is that phone?
This one's about three or four years old.
But I have one.
See, the thing is that these are built for like
They show you like this one. It's like you're a construction manager
Yeah, you're on the scene and you might drop it. Yeah, and like, you know, this is like all weather and all kind of stuff
It's never for like, you know, you're afraid of technology. Yeah, and you're a sad man enough in a comfort in somewhere
You know, this is perfect battery lasts a long time because it takes you a long time to text.
OK, good. That's my prop for it.
I love it. Thank you.
The fuck?
Well, just go. I'm sorry.
This is stealing from Keaton and all the other great silent screen guys.
This is like Chaplin 2.0 here.
I mean, honestly, that dude totally missed a gaping hole in the street
Goddamn Wow did you know that the Sun is super smart? It has like 10 million degrees
Y'all take care. Bye nice. What do you think Dave this guy is built for happy hour?
This guy is built for happy hour
I mean look at him. Do you think he works in a used car lot and he's just driving the cars around
Yes, he is thrilled he's a good guy he is a guy and you're right built for happy hour He enjoys chilies jalapeno poppers chillies. You hit it right there just simple pleasures
Yeah, like wait, of course. I don't mind sitting in this lobby
Nachos you imagine what this fucking plate of nachos. I loved it
He's like could y'all uh, you take it to the back throw a little more cheese on there
And let's face it. This guy is built for Christmas
Yeah, so these are sneakers, a sneaker tattoo.
But here's my problem with it.
The toes?
You left the toesies out.
So what's the point of wearing the shoes?
This is fucking so bad.
Do you know how much you're gonna regret this?
No.
As a woman, do you like a tatted dude or no?
Do you like a tat man?
I do like the way it looks.
Oh.
That's his other phone.
Sorry, I left the kid in the car.
Go ahead.
Yeah, I like it.
It signifies I'm a dangerous bad guy.
I'm a little unstable emotionally on a guy.
But I've dated a few before Tom
and then I chose the guy with no tattoos
to marry and have children with.
So there you go.
But I think it's hot.
And on the lady, do you like a couple of tats?
Yeah, I mean, kind of the same thing.
I've gone out with a couple, just Scallywagons,
kind of dangerous suicide girls,
unpredictable fucking bad decisions,
different colored hair, tats, and I'm like, she's...
You love it.
But you know, the tatting...
But then I married one with just one tramp stamp.
Yeah.
Well that's cool.
I think that's tasteful by the way.
Thank you.
But you know, unless it involves some kind of
military service or gang affiliation,
I'd say a lot of these tats are, you know,
I'm saying like, it could be anything.
But I know people, it's almost like a relationship.
You have tats?
No, nothing at all.
Just a few unexplained bruises.
Sorry, it's one of my jokes almost like a real sets. No nothing at all. Just a few unexplained bruises
One of my jokes
My manhole covers can I find today in Japan? Let's find out the first one of the day was the adorable Chansey and Jigglypuff here in Fukushima
That's good. I love them so much next. It was us taking a bus plus the Shinkansen all the way out to
Utsunomiya in Tochigi.
And the first one we found there was Electabuzz and Squovet.
For lunch we had Gyoza, which are dumplings and Utsunomiya is famous for their Gyoza, so make sure you try it when you're there.
Would you rather have this guy or get a Tats?
I'd rather have Gangbang with 6Ted.
I'm full of Gyoza.
Is he shooting this with one of those stick shots
or an actual person I believe in his?
Yeah, he's got a rig.
But ended up finding thunderous.
Thankfully the running paid off.
I'm good, Gene, thank you.
You're parents, right?
Yeah.
What if you said that, you know, mom, dad,
I, you know, there's something that I want to do.
You're like, what is it, college?
It's like, no, I want to travel,
but I also want to get to the heart of this Pokemon thing that's going on. Manhole covers. The what is it, college? It's like, no, I wanna travel, but I also wanna get to the heart of this Pokemon thing
that's going on.
Manhole covers.
The heart of it, yeah.
That's weird, huh?
I don't like it. It's so strange.
Never thought about something like that.
It's like we covered Disney with all this.
Wow.
Wow.
Look how collected he is, too.
And also, because he wants to hit her now,
and she thinks it's coming, too, you know?
Oh, sure.
She dropped it on him. Of course. But, I mean, can it again? Yeah, are you allowed to do that on the show?
She got scared yeah, she chickened out now. Do you think it was more about like soda brand like this is I?
Don't know who he represents in the Pepsi war. I mean, she really did a shit job.
Yeah, she chickened out.
She got scared.
He is collected.
He's so chill right now.
Yeah.
Do you think when he regroups though, he's gonna be like.
He's gonna kick the shit out of her.
But look at the guy behind him, he's like,
ooh, he feels it more.
He's doing the sympathy touch.
He's like, right here, no?
Right here, no? It's right here, no? Right here, no?
It's right here.
It's right here.
More pleasure.
I feel it no good.
Ah!
I know exactly who this is.
You do?
Is that Walter the pug?
No, it's a different one.
This pug screams and he screams in public.
Yeah.
It's really funny.
I follow these pugs.
This is something that I actually follow.
Look at him.
So cute.
Look how angry he is.
Look how uncomfortable the other dog is.
Like embarrassed.
Like I am so embarrassed.
Fucking bark, bro.
Why can't you bark?
Yeah, she'll take this dog in like an airport
and it'll start howling like this
and everyone thinks she's like abusing the dog.
It's pretty funny.
That's awesome.
It's amazing.
Like there's something about that,
like watching these,
like you're expressing our own like angst with the world.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, really.
That's what it's all about Dave.
Look at him.
And as a mother, I assume when you hear that
it activates something in you, right?
I start lactating, yeah.
When you hear your baby cry like that.
Look at that other dog, he's like,
I just want out of here.
It's like in jail, you never know who your celly's gonna be.
It's like, I'm with him for the rest of our lives.
This crybaby.
So stressing him out.
It's stressed the fuck out.
One more time in case you haven't yet,
check out Hot Cross Buns, streaming now on Netflix.
Dude, it's so great that you stopped by and saw us.
Thank you so much.
It's, first of all, a huge fan of both of yours
and to be with you and your fans, I mean, thank you so much.
No, you're the best, dude.
You're the best.
Congratulations on the special
and hope to see you soon, man.
Thank you, bro.
All right.
Bye, mom. Bye, Jeans.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Wipe your b-hole.
Dry rub it.
Always jam on one.
The rub rub, the rub rub.
Fat dick.
The fat dick.
The rub rub.
I'm hugging.
The fat dick.
You guys are doing good!
The rub rub.
The dick detective.
Doing good! Rub Rub Dick Detective
Doing good!
Hahahaha
Breaking your dong open
There's a lot of stuff in there, I gotta get it out
Dick Doctors
Cum dripping from your beard
Itchy buttholes Kinda don't like when they spray paint sheep Dick doctors. Cum dripping from your beard.
Itchy buttholes.
Kinda don't like when they spray paint sheep.
I don't know what's going on!
Eesh, eesh, eesh, now go pray.
Go man, cheese!
You guys are doing good!
How'd that feel?
Oh great! You guys are doing good!
How'd that feel? Oh great!