Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - Paul Virzi Is HORRIFIED | Ep. 748
Episode Date: February 28, 2024SPONSORS: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/MOM to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code MOM It’s another episode of YMH with Todd and Christine! This week, Tom Segur...a and Christina P really missed each other and open the show with a cool guy looking for a cool emo girl. Next, Tom reads another airtight story submission which leads to a debate about "airtight stolen valor". Christina shares a YMH Exclusive concerning some hotel toilets, we check-in on the Double Soul Shaman and check out a guy named Tumbleweed Tommy. Comedian Paul Virzi joins the Main Mommies and he's already traumatized by the Double Soul Shaman clips he saw being played in the YMH lobby. This leads to a story about a time he was terrified by a giant man pounding on his door at a hotel he was staying at. After some trauma bonding, he chats with Tom and Christina about self love, Michael Jordan, finding your tribe, edibles, hot politicians, before reacting to some "Horrible or Hilarious" videos and Christina's curations! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://christinaponline.com/tour-dates https://store.ymhstudios.com https://www.reddit.com/r/yourmomshousepodcast Your Mom’s House Ep. 748 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Can we be honest for a second about Austin?
I mean, it's disgusting downtown.
I mean, I can't wait to get out of this shit hole.
Your mom is the cockroach.
Just fucking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha dad. Welcome to your mom's house.
Bonjour now.
Oh, I've missed you.
I haven't seen your pretty little face in so long.
I'm serious. Look at those pretty blue eyes.
I know. We both had, we crossed paths.
We're gagging.
Gagging, bro. You went to your home country,
Canada.
Yeah.
There's a famine. There's a dictator up there and people aren't having even food. It's a
very, very dark and depressing place, but you spent time there, visited your people.
Yeah. And then you were one of the few refugees that escaped,
but then you went to meet Raddle.
I did, it was amazing, two shows, sold out.
And Harding Town.
The Mecca for Gays, you went to San Francisco.
It's just like the Gays.
It is just like the Gays.
I had such an amazing, all amazing shows,
all amazing, I saw the Lightning Crew,
my goth friends in SF that I grew up with.
Exciting.
And I mean, I don't want to, should I get into what happened or I don't want to blow
my load?
Save it, save it.
But I'm happy to see you, I haven't seen you.
You're so handsome, you work so hard lately.
Thank you.
You're handsome too, handsome woman.
Thank you.
I feel like you've gotten grayer since I last saw you.
I probably have.
My body is slowly falling apart.
The meat's rotting off the bone.
Yeah, everything's, I'm dying.
Me too.
We're both slowly dying.
And I'm almost gonna be 50,
which means I only have 20 good years left.
Wow, wow, wow.
Okay, so you would have decided to do
since I only have like 20 good years.
Yes, you really do.
Yeah, that's it.
You have 20 summers, you should really,
that's a good way to look at it. 100% dude. Somebody, I forget who said that, some fucking do. Yeah, that's it. You have 20 summers, you should really, that's a good way to look at it.
100% dude.
Somebody, I forget who said that,
some fucking gay influencer probably,
but if you start counting it like that,
I have 20 summers, 20 falls.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
20 Christmases, all that stuff.
That's why I'm back on Lexapro, number one.
Great, great, great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
I've decided that I've had enough feelings for 47 years.
I've gone as far as I can.
And I'm ready to, I'm ready to dull that shit down a little bit.
And just get happy again.
Also, I'm planning on drinking a lot more.
And basically just really enjoying these last 20 years.
20 years of drinking will do it right.
It'll make sure that the final five are spectacular.
Porosos.
Porosos, make friends.
So I basically, yeah, I've decided to just dial it up for the last 20 years of my life
Mm-hmm, and that's it dude cuz past 70 life isn't good, right? Is it not good?
It can be a real decline
70 is usually like if you make it to 70
with no
Serious health issues. Yeah, you're in a you're in a real special category some people do
Some people do some people make it through that whole next decade without serious health issues, you're in a real special category. Some people do. Some people do. Some people make it through that whole next decade without serious health issues. You're kind of a genetic
anomaly at that point. I mean, your genetics play a huge role in how you go out.
Well, here's my problem.
Here's what we know. I'm going to have a rough go.
Oh, you're dead. You go one foot in the grave already. I am not going to exit this world have a rough go. Oh, you're dead. Yeah, you go one foot in the grave already
I am not gonna end exit this world in a pleasant way not true
Here's why and you and I both have this in our genetics. We've got one dud
Genetically in one roach and one cockroach. Yeah now my dad is the cockroach and your mom is the cockroach fucking
Do you have any cash for me? Yeah, just waiting in the corner.
Yeah. And my dad lives off of vodka, Viagra and sausage. Unreal. That's it. He's fine.
He's fine. Kicking it. Living life. The most smoked for fucking 60 years.
I know. Yeah. Meanwhile, my other mom. Give me a cigar. Yeah, she smokes.
You know what your mom eats?
Give me to watch your diet.
And you know what your mom eats?
A bag of starbursts in bed for dinner.
And bread.
Panettone, toast with a strawberry jam and monster cheese.
She literally eats like a toddler.
It's either fried chicken, fried french fries or starbursts. My dad doesn't even eat
Anyway, and then my mother just had a lot of mental illness
Yeah, and I feel like that shuts your body down and
Cancers and all this other stuff. Yeah, she took care of she actually
Tried to take care of herself a little bit. Dude, my dad's side is but here's the thing
Here's the thing. It is a role that dies.
I know.
So there were four kids from his family, right?
His mom died of cancer, his dad died of cancer,
his older brother died of cancer,
some somewhat early, his little sister died of cancer,
a little early, his, he died of cancer.
Sounds good so far.
And then there's one rockbiter.
Yeah.
Still going in his 80s.
Guys, he's still grinding his shit out, eating his own teeth.
Fucking angry.
He's okay.
Quiet.
He angry and quiet.
Yeah.
There's always one cockroach in the family.
And I think I have.
Fucking purple heart recipient.
Fucking NOM, 600 missions in heart recipient. Fucking NAMM, 600 Missions in NAMM.
Fuck it's still going.
I think the anger keeps you alive, the fire, the rage.
But that's a lot of C took out a whole fucking family.
And then on my mom's side, dad died of a stroke.
Yeah.
Young or pretty young.
Mom died, went out horribly, but in her 80s.
And then of her, so her and her two sisters are alive.
Yeah.
And they're all up there.
Yep.
Of her brothers, there were four brothers,
one's alive, the rest dead.
The men don't do well in your family.
No, no, I guess what I am for right now, I'm man.
Until I start taking my estrogen injection.
You're gonna transition.
Yeah, here's the deal, man, is that I do know
that my mom by the time she was my age already had
heart problems and this is right about when like
cancer starts showing up.
We are more informed and we definitely are more
health conscious than this generation.
Like I take better care of myself.
I do checkups, I get physicals.
I do watch what I do exercise.
So, you know, there are things in my favor,
but you still throw the dice down
and you go like, what's happening?
You just don't know.
You just don't know.
Especially when you hit 65, 70, forget it. That's it, you just don't know. You just don't know. At that, especially when you hit 65, 70, forget it.
That's it. You just don't know. You're just dead every day as a gift.
You just wake up and you're like, guess what?
Pancreas shut down. Like you don't have a fucking choice. It just happens.
Hey, your body just prepares you for death slowly shutting down.
Speaking of while I'm still alive. Sure, go ahead.
I will be in San Antonio, Texas on March 8th, wherever the spurs play.
Two days later, I will be in Belton, Texas on March 10th. There's a Dallas State, I guess it's
March 9th. That's that American Airlines arena. And then we added a second show in St. Augustine, Florida.
That is on March 13th.
The one on the 15th is sold out.
So we added one at the Amphitheater in St. Augustine
on March 13th.
March 14th, I will be in Orlando, Florida,
and I will be at wherever the Orlando Magic play basketball.
So get tickets, tomscgurra.com slash tour.
Also, I would like to plug some filler up sealer shots.
Yeah, plug it right in.
You get a quarter inch of girth
every time you get an injection.
Go ahead and plug it.
I added an early show in Jewdork titties,
March 23rd at the Gramercy.
The late show I believe is sold out.
And then Ridgefield, Kymnetik Hunt
at the Ridgefield Playhouse the next night.
A few tickets left on that.
I added a late show at the Masonic Lodge
at Hollywood Forever, that's in a cemetery.
I decided to go golf.
Wow, that's real golf.
And Los Angeles, my hometown May 8th,
get your tickets now,
because that will get sold out. It's gonna be a cemetery
I'm pretty stoked. Oh, that is very exciting pretty fucking stuck. I will be in Los Angeles
I think right around that time to you doing the netflix. It's the netflix festival. I'm doing netflix is a joke fest
I'm doing it at the Kia forum. That is
To me he's like he's, oh you're doing the stupid cemetery?
No, that's not what I meant.
May 9th, I'm trying to find the date.
May 9th, it's in Inglewood.
Oh, I'm doing the forum.
The forum...
That was such a flex.
Did you see that?
I didn't mean it like that.
I just meant, do you like...
You should put me down.
Do you like the Showtime Lakers?
Well, I'll tell a joke where the whole team used to play games.
Oh, I love the Lakers. Lots and that's why we go to those games.
Those compression shorts, they don't compress a lot when they run, if you know what I'm saying.
Saltburn.
I got something special for you to.
Yeah. Yeah. Let's open the show.
Here we go.
I need a good emo girl
to jerk me off and then spit on me You're at top of the world And Christina Pajitza Christina Pajitza
Welcome to your mom's house
Meow, meow
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like that guy a lot, huh?
That was cool.
Chirp me off.
That's really nice, thank you.
You like that?
Cool guy club.
I haven't had a cool guy in a minute.
We haven't, and he's got all the components, shit lighting, shit angle.
Spam me.
You know, we didn't, have we mentioned the reflection and the glasses need to be there
of whatever it is? That's very cool when you do that
Yeah, yeah, he really it's funny how these guys don't even know each other and they all do the same thing
It's isn't that interesting angle is perfect
And you realize what he's doing here
He is doing what they teach you when you're a young man, so you don't know this when you're a young man
All you want to do is come sure. Okay, and
you don't know, you still don't know how to make it.
I mean, you know how to do it yourself,
but you want someone else to do it, like he's saying.
Yeah.
And so what you're told is swallow your pride
and shoot your shot.
And if you take enough swings, Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron,
guess what, they struck out a lot.
Right.
But they also hit a lot of home runs.
And so what you do is you fucking just throw this out there
and you see if someone goes,
guess what I'd like to do today, sir?
Jack you off and spit in your mouth.
And you might watch this and go, I'm not interested,
but guess what?
There's a couple chicks out there that are like,
mm, mm, mm.
This was exactly what I wanna do today. Yeah. And he's just hoping chicks out there. They're like mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, this was exactly what I want to do today
Yeah, he's just hoping for a response. He's hoping for that one special. Yeah before you roll your eyes at him
With disdain I would just say
Well, I don't roll my eyes into say I would I will say that we've always championed honesty
Openness yes, and asking for what you want.
And he's a go-getter.
This is what he's doing.
It's fine.
I'm sure he didn't find it though.
He's not, but here's the problem.
If you want an emo chick, you yourself have to look a little emo.
He's just like, but you know what this, I think really, this is not going to get you,
this is not going to get him what he wants, which is a cool emo chick to do this.
This is gonna get him an emo chick that's like,
I'll do it for $500.
Sure.
Which, you know, I think that's fine for him.
I think that's fair, $500 is a lot.
Well, I'm just saying, like,
he's gonna get the emo chick for higher.
He's not gonna get the emo chick who's like,
oh, that turns me on, sir.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Which is fine, I think he should,
I should think he should do that. Well, I don't think he cares is fine. I think he should, I should think he should do that.
Well, I don't think he cares either way.
I think he just cares either.
I don't think he cares either.
I don't think he cares either.
Then gets spit on.
Yeah, spit in his face.
Give us a shit.
Give us a shit.
Fuck this fucking guy.
My heart.
My trash.
My trash.
God, he's so hot.
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Speaking of hot
This is they keep rolling in the best thing that's ever hot to read though. It's like erotic reading, right? I
Don't know and I'll tell you this I don't know I I was told this a while ago and I kind of I
Didn't believe it at first and you're gonna think this might be,
that you're gonna think this might be like made up of my part but I actually believe this.
Reading erotic writing and looking at erotic imagery drawn can do something for your brain that porn doesn't do.
I agree.
Which is that it allows your imagination to take over and your imagination is stronger
and feeds you more, unless you're fucking boring, than the...
Porn's like a sloppy greasy burger.
Your imagination, if you allow it to be,
can be a fucking tasting menu.
Right, because porn fills in the gaps
of your preferences for you.
Whereas you can also put your own preferences
into your imagination.
So that's what I'm saying, you read these things
and you look at it.
Okay, so this is a, here we go.
I'm ready, I'm gonna consider it.
And of course, if you're wondering,
what is he about to read?
I'm saying that we have not stopped receiving airtight emails.
We didn't think it existed in the real world.
We thought we might get six,
and there's fucking 60 a day coming in from you animals.
Hold on, I'm gonna draw it out.
Yeah, let me get my dad lenses on.
Let me visualize this properly.
I also have an eye appointment. Thank you very much.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah. Why? Because I need a stronger prescription.
I have an appointment to get my upper eyelids trimmed in LA.
Nice.
I'm going to go April 20th.
Can't wait to do my blephs the following hour.
Get my eyelids cut because they're too droopy. Because I'm dying.
And I'm slowly rotting.
Okay, okay, let me draw what you're saying.
And I really want to visualize this.
And also, yes, I did make an appointment with the the Dick Doc in Dallas.
Let me hold your dick.
That's exciting.
So here we go.
Here we go.
All right.
This is the email.
The subject line is airtight discourse.
Discourse.
Okay.
Does dick in mouth and ass.
Hold on.
Dick in mouth and ass.
But female tongue in vag count.
It technically does plug it up.
Wow.
Dick in mouth. And ass. Dick in mouth.
And ass.
Dick in ass.
And a tongue in her vag, a female tongue in her vag.
Oh, okay, so this is thought provoking.
Yes, indeed.
Wow.
Okay, so there's a tongue in the, okay, but that's okay.
All right, let's go on the right.
Let's hear what she has to say.
Back in my early 20s, in my early 20s hoe phase, me, my boyfriend at the time,
my male best friend, and a girlfriend of mine were hanging out at my apartment.
Okay.
Us girls went to the bathroom and decided to tease the guys.
So we started moaning and rubbing the walls and counter.
After a couple of minutes, I open the door and they're sitting right
there on the floor wide-eyed. This is pretty good so far.
Getting on so far. I like it. One thing led to another and boom!
A boy-boy-girl-girl-forsom. Hold on boy boy girl girl. Wow. It was a little awkward at
times trying to coordinate new positions.
But once you're locked and sealed, mama, it's a chef's kiss.
Locked and sealed.
Yeah. Well, hold on.
Hold on. Let me finish waiting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also around that time, I did a male, male, female,
and male, female, female threesome.
Jesus.
So she did this foursome, she did a threesome
with two guys and a threesome with two girls.
Or a threesome with a boy and a girl.
One of which included a youth pastor.
The glory days are behind me now.
But when I'm hiding in a hot bath from my husband and kids,
at least I've got a catalog of memories
to relieve some tension.
That's true.
Love the pod, y'all.
Crystal and in parentheses, never a stripper.
Crystal.
Yeah, gotta tell you crystal.
I think that's a great email.
You know, speaking of living life to its fullest,
there you go.
This is what I should be doing in the next 20 years,
the last quarter.
Tranking your three sums and four sums?
Yeah?
Why not?
Okay, now hold on.
Okay.
Here's my question.
Sure.
So the first one, it's male, male, female, okay?
Yeah.
So she had one in her mouth,
one in her A in her anus, and then one in lick in the vag. Yeah, so she had one in her mouth one in her a and her anus and then one and lick in the veg
Yeah
So she's on all fours sure sure sure so hold on the problem is yeah, you have to really want anal
Yeah for this configuration to issues into it. She wasn't a fucking zilt
Yeah, I would put the peener in the veg
Okay, I mean you have you can have your own preferences
No one's not saying you're not allowed to
Well, I'm just telling you if I were to do this like OJ if I were if I did this if I did this
Yeah, this is what I'm not at the big talk. Oh, that's my sister. I know I don't like that drop. You flag that
And tell me that I'm finding that sister saying that. Whoa. Jesus Christ.
She's so, she's so randy.
It's your soundboard, man.
It's your soundboard.
I know, I need to know like, hey sister.
That didn't know it was your sister.
That's an old drop.
Yeah, it's so gross to hear your own sister saying that.
I just totally changed the mood.
And she used to go, you know what? She also says says shit on my dick or a shit on my tits. She says shit on my tits. Yeah, okay
You think your sister has somebody shit on her tits, I don't know that reminds me of this
I'm saying that
Me and your father are not legally married
So that me and your father are not legally married.
So you're not my stepmother? I'm afraid not, honey.
Wait.
Wait.
If you're not my stepmother, that means
he's not my step-grandpa?
Look at that.
No, I'm afraid he's not.
Good acting. He's not my step-grandpa? Look at that. No, I'm afraid he's not.
Good acting.
Wait, so I've been fucking some random old guy that's not even related to me?
That's the disappointment.
Yes.
No!
Oh my God, what have I done?
That's pretty good.
It's a really good acting.
It's a good scene.
Maybe we could all give them a hand.
Thank you so much for that.
That was really cool.
Credits, should give them credits.
Yeah, for sure.
Kenzie Reeves, Joanna Rivers, and Steve Holmes.
Beautiful work.
You met him, you know the guy, right?
You remember him?
Oh yeah.
He came to our show.
Oh, right.
In Irvine.
Right.
Years ago. Lovely. Well, it's good to see him still working Oh, right. In Irvine. Right. Years ago.
Lovely.
Well, it's good to see him still working.
The Yoshi connection, of course.
Yes.
So, but back to the philosophical debate.
Does this count as airtight?
One in your epinae and your anus,
epinae in your mouth,
and then a tongue in your vache.
Okay, here's, are you getting real technical on us here?
I think it's not what we were talking about.
Sure.
But I think Crystal should definitely be commended.
I mean, she's lived a full life.
She was, she had fun.
Yeah.
She experimented, she tried things.
I wouldn't give her full credit for airtight.
Okay.
I'll give her 80% of the credit.
What you're saying is essentially
a best adapted screenplay.
Correct.
Yeah.
Which is a category.
The Oscars still award that.
It's just not an original screenplay.
Exactly.
I got you.
But it's valiant effort and actually A for creativity.
I love the variation on the airtight theme
that this presented.
I didn't even know this could be a variation of the theme.
It can be.
I'm just excited to learn.
There's all kinds of ways to do this.
Very cool.
Very cool.
Is it airtight stolen valor? Claiming to be airtight. I'm just excited to learn there's all kinds of ways to do this. Very cool. Very cool.
Is it Airtite stolen valor?
Hmm.
Claiming to be Airtite.
Well, I mean...
I mean, at a party she would go, I went Airtite one time and then tell this story.
I don't think that's fair.
I don't think she's doing that.
I think you're actually putting this on Crystal.
I think she's very clearly saying what she did and what she did.
Does she claim airtight?
She doesn't say that in there anywhere.
She's just like, this is what I did.
Three Sims and four Sims with boys and girls.
As long as the subject line doesn't say I went airtight.
It doesn't.
It said airtight discourse.
Oh, okay.
So she says, yeah, she just says, I want to be in on the dialogue.
Honest. It's not stolen rally. All right. Oh, okay. So she says she she yeah, she just says I want to be in on the dialogue
It's not stolen Valor all right air tight stolen Valor yeah, why don't you tell the yeah audience about your travels This is pretty cool, and I kind of feel like it's a YMH exclusive a YMH
That's this is definitely this is a YMH exclusive.
YMH exclusive.
This is pretty exciting.
Go ahead.
Oh, wow. It chips in a bowl too.
Pats eating kibble.
So, as you know,
I did
Vancouver, Meat Rattle, and
Manfran Disco. That's three cities.
And I want to, I'm proud to say that Vancouver, Meat Rattle, and Manfran Disco. That's three cities.
And I want to, I'm proud to say that two out of three of those cities,
I destroyed and blew up the hotel toilets.
Wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
Wow.
And I was staying in nice hotels.
So in Vancouver, this is the crazy part, okay?
In Vancouver, the morning I depart,
I go to flush the toilet just to make number one,
and all of a sudden the water comes up,
and I was like, oh no.
For those of you wondering how is that possible,
I can tell you why, because I've been in hotels with you,
and in the morning, you know,
let's say I get up for my morning pee, and I'll look in the morning, you know, let's say I get up for my morning pee and I'll look
in the toilet and there's like 40 pieces of toilet paper in there and I'm like, what the
fuck?
It's a blob.
Yeah, because what happens is, yeah, Christine will pee throughout the night, wipe and not
flush.
So it just piles up.
Yes, Tom.
And I do this, so the problem is two-fold.
One, I don't flush because I don't wanna make noise.
If somebody's with me, somebody will do.
Yeah, but no one's with you.
I know, so I'm in the habit.
And second-fold is that our Toto,
I mean, our Toto flush is for me,
so I forget, I just like don't,
I'm not consciously flush it.
Right, cause there's an auto flush mechanism in that.
So I fucking loaded it with toilet paper in Vancouver.
And then I drink my coffee as we know I have my routine.
I wake up, I drink coffee, I take a shit.
Now the problem is I just flushed that fucker.
And the water dude was like, I got lucky though, okay?
Cause it rose right to the top where the fucking,
the seat is and I was like, dude,
like it was about to overflow and it didn't.
And I was like, now I have to shit.
So what do you do?
I'll tell you what you do.
What do you do?
I'll tell you, I'll pull the room,
but I'll tell you what I do.
Okay.
I'll tell you what I do.
Go ahead. If I saw the water rose, I was like, I gotta take a shit.
I would go down to the lobby of the nice hotel and shit down there.
May I add another component to the story?
Sure.
My ride was downstairs.
It was go time already ready to go.
So that means we're going to go take a dump.
We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it.
Yeah.
Okay. That means that I would, I was ready to go out for the, for the time. We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it. Yeah, okay.
That means that I would, I was ready to go out for the time.
So that means I have to get my suitcase, go down and leave.
Okay.
So that components there, what do you do?
Go ahead, I'm going to pull the booth boys.
Go ahead and pull them.
My mind went to the lobby too, but if I'm feeling like a real piece of shit, I might just leave
the mess and just let the hotel deal with it.
Also, sidebar, here's another part to this. I'm Perry Menopausal and if I don't shit when I feel it, it's gone.
And I'm fucked. So, if I feel the need to go, I better sit down. I cannot delay the go.
Isn't that the best option though in this situation?
To go to the hotel? to note to not shit and just
Why what you're saying because no because
If I miss my window of shitting I don't shit. Let's pull the rest of the boys. Any what would you do in that situation?
I mean you already know what I would do this year. You would hold it in. Yeah
Yeah, it does it never needs to happen. Okay for people that shit God who else is in there Chad?
Oh, I definitely go to the lobby. Yeah, it's like a reasonable answer
It just seems like I mean do you really have to think twice about it? Not at all. Thank you
Well, I'll tell you what old pig fucking shit head pig fart tits
We keep in mind. I have to shit before I shower.
So what am I supposed to do?
Go down to the lobby in my pajamas, put clothes on, put a robe on,
put it and go to the lobby in a robe.
Yeah. And then take a shit down there.
And then you have to shit real bad.
Come back, take off my clothes, get in the shower.
No. And how do you get to that?
And I'm on the road.
It could be a disaster. Right.
OK. So.'m on the road. It could be a disaster. Right. Okay. So, all these circumstances, I should on top of the flooded toilet.
And I left a note and I was like, sorry, I just wrote sorry.
With cash?
Of course, 20 bones at least.
20? Frankie name sounds like a man, but she looks like a woman my mic is on and with me as always my sidekick my main man the human
Googler the professor
Greetings my humans and all of us are gonna give our hot takes on today's issues like pickle ball
I think it's a made-up sport for grandmas and grandpas
Social media like don't you feel like that's what the internet is a lot of times? Just a little bit of piglets?
Therapy.
I sometimes think that therapy is for losers.
So join us on the Chris Chapman Do-over as we break it down.
Have some fun and get into it.
The improvised Chris Chapman Do-over is an Odyssey and Paper Guy production and stars
Ike Barron-Holtz as Chris Chapman and features weekly guests such as Fred Armisen, Bizzy Phillips and Amy Poehler.
Listen on the Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts.
Anyway, so that was Vancouver.
So then you go, great to be in my home country.
Left them a note.
I left a little piece of America right there.
Then you go to Seattle.
I go to Meet Radle, but I'm not there long enough
to really do any damage.
Like I literally-
And then you go to San I'm in San Francisco.
So San Francisco.
Same thing?
Same problem.
You didn't learn to start flushing the pee?
Because I was drunk.
I went to bed drunk in the night.
The good thing about Lex Pro really ramps up your alcohol.
You feel drunk.
So I have to drink, I get drink less, but yeah.
So I was like pissing and pissing all night. And then by the time the morning came dude,
I already shit though.
So I didn't do it that way, but I flushed the toilet
and then it was a disaster.
And then, but I didn't shit.
It's so fast.
I shit already though.
That's the good news.
That's, I can smell it.
You know what I'm saying?
I can smell it.
That's not, it's piss on piss is a bad smell.
It's bad.
It's bad. All you said was sorry. Yeah, sorry. That's not it's his on piss is a bad smell. It's bad. It's bad. All you said was sorry
Yes, sorry, that's it
20 bucks. It wasn't American dollars or was it Canadian? It had to be American because I didn't convert
Wow, be real to fucking Euro or whatever it is there on your well what you didn't leave no money
Of course I did of course I did. Yeah. Yes. I always do for staff. Yeah. Because I fucking, I fucked some shit up.
Can I tell you something though?
I did.
That's nice on a daily basis for the house.
No, no, no.
On the, if you do that again, which I don't even say if,
when you do that again, when you ruin a toilet
and shit and leave them a nice shit surprise,
just leave a cool hundo.
Okay.
I know I didn't, I didn't. Just start traveling with hundreds. I'm sorry, I to Vancouver and give the cleaning. You can send them a fucking message right here. Sorry.
And I got my period on the sheets.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco. I fucked the sheets. In San Francisco.
I fucked up that room in San Francisco.
And I, because I didn't plan on, I woke up with it and I was like, oh... People have the audacity to say that I'm the fucking sick one in this relationship.
I fucked that room up. fucking sick one in this relationship.
I fucked that room up.
I fucked that room up. But I was in a bad mood
because I just got my period, did not leave money.
All right, let's try it.
Let's see if this turns you on.
Try to make you feel better.
Right, okay.
Does I print Albert Pacing make it more pleasurable?
Yes, talking from experience as I have experience. I can't look at him. I think it does. Yeah, especially for the other person
I'm sorry. Get me wrong. It feels amazing for me
especially
So I stuff
But for the other person 100% you have to look at him. Think of this don't obviously
the thing
We have a hoop on the end
Which moves left to right? Okay got it
So when you go in and out and in and out and in okay now got it it rubs either side of
the wall.
I want to feel that.
100% I personally believe from experience
that it's definitely pleasurable for me and you.
And for anyone that has experienced it
and says, nah, it doesn't.
It's not the piercing's fault.
It's the person's fault.
Trust me.
What were you saying? I didn't hear you.
Huh? Oh, I said, uh, I said it's Tony Jones.
This is like a buff Tony Jones. Well, steroids Tony Jones. Yeah. Yeah.
I found him so...
I like it. I can't like look at him. I can't.
And I'm sure some girl like loves this style and this vibe. It's just not for me.
That's not your sneeze?
I can't, he's too like perfect
and too like sensual massage type.
But this also a filter though.
He has a filter on.
Bro's using the fucking baby filter
that girls use on Instagram, that's crazy.
It is crazy.
That's crazy.
He's really crazy.
I don't, yeah I don't like this type.
And it does feel good for you baby.
Stop, I'm gonna puke.
It feels amazing for me.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Dude, this guy gets laid so much though, right?
Yeah.
Girls love this.
I bet he's, I think he's probably going to the gym
or leaving the gym.
Yeah, he gets laid. The guy gets laid.
Yeah.
The tank top.
Bunch of girls have stopped going to that gym. They're like,
Yeah, I fucked him. I can't go anymore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm embarrassed about my hotel shit now.
You are?
No, I'm like, I regret... And I didn't leave money on the second one.
I didn't because I was miserable.
I was gonna be a period...
This is gonna make you feel better.
This is gonna make you feel better. This is gonna make you feel better
You know our double double soul shaman
Yeah
Of course, I dream about the double soul shaman. I live for him. I love him for your our double soul shaman
We're talking about is this guy right? He's this episode of what does the Wild Naked Man drink?
I love him so much. I'm gonna fill this beautiful mason jar with my beautiful oren, which is the best.
He's the best.
He's the best.
Especially after some amazing forming out or going for a run or pumping some iron.
He's just always the best.
It's a form of biofeedback and it's a form of self-love. When I drink my own piss, I get this enhanced benefit of self-approval and self-acceptance.
I love that.
I love it.
And really, that's all there is to life because self-love is the only love.
Okay.
That's true.
This guy, if you don't know, has given us a lot, a lot of information. He is, I would say, the probably the most positive male voice
right now.
And he's also kind of helping redefine
what masculinity really is.
That's really insightful, Tom.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And he actually, I'll say this, the guy
has a lot of information.
He's not just like, he always backs the guy has a lot of information. He's not just like do the, like he always backs it up
with a lot of info.
Whether it's historical, it could be physiological,
biological, he has a lot of information.
Yeah.
Well, he has sent what we have received,
a new video that I think takes it to another level.
Okay?
I'm on tender hooks, as they say.
Okay, good.
This is, this is gonna, you're gonna be blown away.
Here we go.
Oh, shit.
I don't know what I can even.
I am.
I am.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Let's just try what you're seeing.
It's good.
You're not saying anything.
Okay.
Because I've often...
I'm in a puke.
I actually felt...
I'm just enjoying the taste of it.
I'm shameless.
I'm fearless.
I'm doubtless.
That's what I'm talking about.
I want to get all of it out.
You want to waste any of it. Tell people what they're seeing. I'm trying, but I want to get all of it out. You want to waste any of it. Tell people what they're seeing.
I'm trying, but I want to, my gag reflex.
Even the YouTube audience can't see all this.
So the double soul shaman is in a yoga pose so that his legs are in the air and he is
masturbating and catching his own love mustard in his mouth.
And he wants to get every last drop because it's his male essence.
And he's just recycling male essence,
which I understand on a rational level.
You just never seen someone do this before.
I've just never imagined that this is real.
Like I've thought about this in junior high school.
Like wouldn't it be funny if some guy could do that
in his own mouth and this guy can.
He can do it and he's not can, he does.
I'm just enjoying the taste of it.
I just didn't think this is real.
This is so crazy.
I feel like-
I'm just appreciating my cock and my balls.
I feel like your mom's house has really realized
so many of my dreams.
Like finding out if people really go airtight.
Finding out if somebody can really masturbate
into their own mouth and yes, the answer's yes.
And I'm so happy we're doing this work for people.
The thing that I always remember when we're doing this show
is that this feed plays in the lobby.
I always remember that.
And I always try to imagine in these moments
that the FedEx guys like,
here's your...
Could you sign here, please?
Yeah.
This is the ultimate form of self-love, Tom.
It is.
This is the...
So what you're saying is, don't judge myself so harshly for clogging two toys. And we've reached out, by the way. This is the ultimate form of self-love, Tom. It is. This is the ultimate form of self-love, Tom.
So what you're saying is don't judge myself so harshly for clogging two toys.
And we've reached out, by the way, just so you know, we've reached out.
We've been trying to get some feedback from this guy.
So just know that.
Just know that we've reached out.
I want nothing more than to know the double soul, Sean.
I want to know all about this.
I want to know the benefits of this.
Like I can kind of, I put together kind of what you just did where it's like, it's self love, it's the ultimate self.
It's recycling your male energy.
Can you do this?
Do you think you could do this?
You're in great shape, you do yoga.
I do, am I physically capable?
I believe that I am.
Could I go through with it?
I just don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
And I will say that his aim is really good.
I don't think this is the first time he's done this.
I think he practices because imagine how sloppy you would be the first time you tried this.
Yeah.
Get the aim just right.
And he wants every last drop and he still maintains the yoga pose. It's impressive
Yeah, and then he's like I'm cupping my balls after
Maybe we should downshift to something else for a second. No, why why is this making?
Instagram it's tumbleweed Tommy here got another great Western outfit for you today
outfit for you today. This time I'm wearing an easy cattleman pearl snap shirt with a two-tone blue and black plaid design. Really a specific design for a nice night out on the
town. Or you might casual day on a Saturday. Paired with some Wrangler cowboy cut relaxed
fit George Strait edition jeans and a nice medium blue here. Looks good on him. Got my Justin Starbelt on here as well with my initial tee on my big buckle here.
That's really cool.
Yeah, this is a cowboy get up.
This is what you get when you move to Texas.
Of course, wearing my Milwaukee Danpost pointed toe cowboy boots.
There's the right shaft and if you're watching the video, your left shaft and this is my left shaft and my right shaft if you're watching the video your left shaft and this is my left shaft and my right shaft
If you're watching the video
And of course my Cody James Wolfelt cowboy hat which I will demonstrate
Got it video for you and you can plainly see my black feather in the hat in this out. That's very nice
Well, very nice. It's a really good outfit actually. That's cute. I think and that's this western outfit video for you, so I hope you enjoyed it.
I did.
Have a great night.
Thank you, Tumblebee Tommy.
And that's one of the things you can't really get on other shows.
You get that at your mom's house.
A guy jacks off in his mouth, and then Tumblebee Tommy shows you his great country western outfit.
And on that note, I think we'll take a quick break, and we'll be right back.
And welcome back.
And our guests, you can see June 8th at the
Grammar City Theater in New York City. You can also see his special nocturnal admissions on Netflix. Please give it up for Paul
Verzi everybody. Thank you for having me guys good to be back here. Yeah, you were on where my mom's at. We had a great time.
We had a great time. Yeah, we did. You had a nice welcome to this show in the lobby. Dude, that got me sick. That really fucked me up, man. I wasn't expecting it. You know, I just wanted
a nice coffee and just wait to go in. And then I saw that. I almost thought it was so
It was so traumatizing that I thought I actually couldn't believe it that I thought the dick
might have been fake. Like I can't really put that they're not putting that in the lobby of their studio. Are they really? Yeah, and then I realized what he was trying to aim
Yeah, yeah, then I had to I did the I had to turn away. She's fearless and doubtless now. He is fearless
He's right. It's it's it's can I tell you as a woman what it did for me like I felt my
Felt my gag reflex
Immediately you thought about all the times you've done that probably not all no for me, like I felt my gag reflex immediately.
You thought about all the times you've done that, probably.
Not all, no.
Right, you've taken so many loads, babe.
But I literally started gagging like my throat closed up.
Yeah, because you're not.
Your eyes twitching, do you feel it?
No. Oh my God, that's terrifying.
Do you think it, are you gagging? Oh my God, because it's. Do you think it, um, are you done? You gag. Oh my god.
Because it's hot, it's not, have you ever tasted jizz? I really haven't. Oh, you should take a taste.
Why don't you do this? I could taste my own, you're right. We should have him show you how to do this.
No, I, like you said, when the thing that happens is you kind of, you, in middle schools when people
go, I think you can suck your own dick. I had a friend do it.
That's the thing is everyone always like,
I had a friend, this big Irish kid,
he got his, I think he got his head in his mouth.
And then he said he stopped because he felt gay.
Right.
He actually like did it,
like his legs were bent over, he said he got it.
Well, that's the age where you, you know,
you have the, some of you have the dexterity,
you still have that childlike flexibility.
And if you're, if you're blessed and you're given
a little bit of length, then you can do it.
You know, you can do it.
Yeah, I-
Because the famous one was all the Ron Jeremy stories,
because he was before he looked like a fucking hedgehog,
he was a lean man or somewhat,
and he had a big ol' hog on him.
Can you bring up young-
Yeah, there's video of that, for sure.
Well, wasn't he in a porn in the lady,
he tried to like the gig, whatever whatever it's like you say to her like
Hey, I want to fuck you and she was why don't you just fuck yourself and he did oh
How do I not know this? Oh my god. How did I not know this about him? You didn't know that I didn't know this this guy's a legend
Whoa, yeah, wow
That's his own with his own. piece. Did he do yoga too?
No, he just probably wasn't.
He is what, this is before he gained a thousand pounds.
Dude, he's so flexible.
Yeah, I mean you guys keep it out on long, huh?
This is amazing.
Keep that up.
You guys.
You can take it down though.
Yeah.
This is, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
Oh, shit.
I thought everybody did the run.
I didn't know.
I felt, God, today's, this is amazing.
This is a lot. A lot of eye-op felt, God, today's the, this is amazing.
This is a lot. A lot of eye-opening things today.
Yeah, dude, I'm a...
Also, another thing that yet can't go on the feet of the show.
The whole, people are gonna be like,
I googled half of your show.
It can go on Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be.
He's in jail, we should also point out that.
Well, actually, he was released because of his cognitive level.
So, Ron Jeremy was released because of his cognitive level. So Ron Jeremy was eventually I guess first it was rumors and then it kind of came before confirmed that he was sexually assaulting
Many many women this is in his later years and they eventually tried him and convicted him
But for whatever reason LA
Or California was like this guy doesn't have the mental capacity to
They they released him to like into a home.'t have the mental capacity to... Oh, dear.
So they released him into a home.
He's completely...
Oh, like dementia, he's got all that shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But he's not a good guy.
So it turns out...
It turns out that Ron Jeremy, not a great guy.
It's like I had a rascal who was on Dick for years to sit.
Not a great guy.
Not a great guy.
What a rascal.
So anyway, welcome. Yeah, dude guy. Not a great guy. Yeah. What a rascal.
So anyway, welcome.
Yeah, dude.
I mean, that hit me hard.
I'm not going to lie.
Your reception is a lady in the front.
She just looked at me and she just put her head down
because she saw the horror.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was.
She's a good person.
She's so chicken.
She deserved better than to see that.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
One thought I had though.
Do you think it feels as good when you're sucking your own stuff? It's not. Because you know it's you. Yeah. Sorry about that, yeah. One thought I had though, do you think it feels as good
when you're sucking your own stuff though?
It's not.
Because you know it's you, it's not good.
It can't.
You can also, you know, you can massage your own neck
and you're like, oh shit, it's not the same.
It's not the same.
No, no.
No, I don't think I could do it dude,
even if I could do it.
Yeah.
If I could do it, I couldn't, like you couldn't.
I guess the real comparison is your hand or someone else's.
Right.
The thing about that though,
is that every girl in your life always is like,
you can do this better than me, right?
Like, like.
Yes.
Yeah.
So that's an interesting.
Well, your hand is better sometimes.
Well, we've done it.
So I've given thousands more hand jobs than you have.
I just gave them to me.
Right.
I knew it.
Right?
Yes. So like, you know how to twerp. So that's a good point. No, you know, you know. I guess if you to me. I knew that. I knew that. Right? Yes.
So like, you know how to twerk, so that's a good point.
I guess if you were sucking your own dick every day,
you'd be like, let me do this.
But I would take a bad hand job.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah.
I would take a bad hand job though than myself.
Sure.
The way it's like, some women are like,
I can't even do it, could you do it?
I still want another hand.
Exactly.
You still want somebody else to do it.
I'll take a half ass from her instead of like a 10 for me.
The only thing that like if for for blow jobs, if you were like,
do you want a really bad, toothy, just terrible one?
No, do yourself.
Or do it yourself.
I'd be like, so let me take over.
But that.
So this is this is the conundrum.
Yeah.
If you're able to do it yourself, the beaches,
then will you become so acclimated,
like you just said, to your own style?
That you mean?
But he's just taking loads to the face.
That is so not what we're talking about.
This guy is not blowing himself.
He's jacking off into his mouth.
Well, that's a different thing.
And talking himself through it like, I am fearless.
Yeah, he's mentally ill, right?
I mean, no, he's mentally ill.
Like, let's be honest, that kid mean no he's mentally ill like us be honest
That kids is that kids fuck you know that is
No, do they listen if you do that and you talk like that and you wait to the last drop and you're really into like the kid
Is sick saying he's fine. No, no
He's pretty cool
What's up yo you so mean Frank who just taught a really juicy anus workshop today?
Yeah, this kid's out of his fucking mind. No.
Look at his skin as though.
Look at that skin.
Look at his skin.
Skin is great.
Some pre-com to be secreted from my manhood.
So a little bit of sperm detail,
a little bit of testosterone,
a little bit of spermadine,
which is good for muscle growth.
Yes.
A little bit of nerve growth factor,
which is really good for your brain
and your nervous system.
You know.
Dude, could you imagine having lunch with that guy?
Just having a normal conversation. I can't wait. I can't wait
A little bit of vitamins minerals oxytocin and bonding hormone which will lower his cortisol
So not only am I getting the benefit of the urine therapy, which is powerful on its own the she bomb blue
I should call it
But I'm also getting the benefit of the sperm the semen tiny bit of semen that's been mixed
What's in that? of the sperm, the semen, tiny bit of semen that's been mixed in with my urine.
What's in that?
This is piss.
No, it's not.
Yeah, he just.
Come on, man.
That's very good.
I didn't eat yet.
I love this.
Dude, are you guys fucking, what was in that?
Just piss.
He just pissed it.
Not just piss.
Sperma dye and a little bit of testosterone.
He said a little bit of just seeped into it.
Oh, man.
But it got growth factor.
Look how good his skin and his teeth look
He looks really good. He looks fucking crazy, man. Yeah, I mean that was
What are you gonna?
Hacking, you know, they'll buy all the supplements very expensive supplements look how skinny his neck is man
That guy's weird their bros naked. They've never worked out naked. They've never played naked ultimate frisbee.
They've never done naked wrestling.
And there's a reason why testosterone and sperm counts are at an all time low.
It's because men are not getting that vitamin that Robert Bly who wrote, wrote, wrote Iron
John.
So there's an invisible food that gets transfused between men through the ethers when they get
naked and do, for example, ball cupping or ball tapping rituals where you tap your best disposed balls
and look at his beautiful mushroom head and send good energy into it. Yeah these
are things that the ancient Spartans did they would also eat ass you don't have
to eat ass but there is good bacteria in your mouth that you can transfuse into
your best disposed butthole to improve his digestive tract. It's called
ailerutorii,
but we already talked about that in another video,
but I just wanted to talk about like,
why waste all your money on all these supplements
when you can literally increase your testosterone for free
simply by just rubbing your mushroom
against your bro's mushroom before the workout
and then having your balls cupped by your bro
and honor each other's balls and then pumps them iron this guy's fucking around
It's a real no this ain't real. I just realized this ain't real
This isn't this is he's teaching seminars dude. This is bullshit. I don't know
No, bro had ultimate naked frisbee and he said it serious. He's very very serious ball
Like we thought it was a goof too
But if you keep going down this rabbit hole.
Oh, I won't.
Geez.
I have to say, though, Tom, of all the men we've featured on this program,
I am so captivated.
I'm most intrigued by him.
I love him.
Yes, I am too.
Because you know what?
There is an endless.
There's he doesn't.
He doesn't go like, I don't know,
like just fucking jack a guy out.
Like he has so much ammo to back up what he's saying.
He's talking about the Spartans
and like different warrior groups.
I find it so cute and funny and kind of annoying
that so many modern mens work leaders
base their branding off of like spartan culture and they call it the modern warrior journal or you know, we're the samurai brotherhood, you know.
Yet they never get naked.
They never do ball cupping rituals.
They never see each other's cocks.
The outermost extension of each other's hearts are completely hidden by their lulu lemon. When really they could be leaching good high vibrational brotherhood
vibrations into each other's ball sacks through cupping, which is exactly what this part is good.
No. This kid is gay. There's 100%. So here's the thing. Do you think he's back at some of the,
do you think some of this is true and
And he's he's actually informing you or do you think this is all an angle just to touch balls and sucks cocks?
I think the latter I think that this man is seriously gay
Yeah, and when he says touching your bro's mushroom and doing that
This is his way of kind of normal and that's fine. God bless them. Yeah. Yeah, but you could just be gay
Instead of this shit and so it's. God bless them. Yeah. But you could just be gay instead of this shit.
Instead of spinning it. Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, I think he's there's no woman involved.
Is there a there's never been a woman in any of these.
Yes. So this is a gay man. Yeah.
Who just hangs out with his buddies and does a lot of gay shit,
which is fine. And he tries to turn it into some yoga.
Because you know what the ultimate gay thing is.
It's to get a straight guy. Yeah to participate and he's
Seriously, like that is the big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah trying to convert
Like you know the guy hey, dude, do you want to you want to fucking wrestle real quick?
I'll show you something dude. You want to rub mushroom head. No, I've never said that to my buddy
Hey, did you want to cut each other's balls before we watch it? It's not just that it's do you want to grow your masculinity?
It's actually so that's his argument. It's not it's more masculine to be with here's why before we watch this. But it's not just that. It's do you want to grow your masculinity? Well, that's the thing. So that's his argument.
It's not gay.
It's more masculine to be with the props.
Here's why.
It's brilliant because it gets to challenge something that most straight men actually
want, which is to be more masculine.
Right.
More test.
Right?
So it's like, hey, do you want to go lift weights?
And you're like, yeah, yeah.
It's like, well, do you want to do like a natural pre-workout?
It's like, yeah, sure. What is it, well, do you want to do like a, do you want to take a natural pre-workout?
It's like, yeah, sure.
What is it?
It's like, we'll take your cock out.
And you're like, wait, what the fuck?
He's like, dude, this is what the Samurai did.
And then you're like, oh.
Yeah. And the Spartans are like known
because I'm, people think I'm just a tie.
My mother's 100% Greek.
So I'm Greek.
And so people always say, oh, the Greeks, you know,
the Spartans were, they did gay stuff even though they're worth
He's using that right using the most masculine exactly warrior shit to do it
But I mean he could just be like hey, dude. I'm into dick hold on Paul you're right
Hold on cuz remember we were like his historical
Facts are not right. You're telling me the Spartans did do gay shit. I didn't say they weren't right Paul
I we did less I'm we're like how does he know
People said all the Greeks right that is not that's true they butt fucked and it wasn't
It wasn't in that era thought of as you're being gay. It's that you just you had sex with whoever was
There
That's who people had sex with and we're, you know, this isn't like the 1950s.
This is like a few thousand years back.
But it is like very well documented.
I know, I'm just trying to legitimize our friends.
I think so.
I mean, Samurai brotherhood is like,
the Samurai were sniffing each other's balls.
The Spartans were cuddling and sucking each other's nipples
before battle on animal skins.
See? See, then that makes you go like, what are you fucking...
you're not as tough as a Spartan.
Yeah, straight guy.
Get over here, that's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, get over here and suck my nipples, you pussy.
It's smart, it's so smart.
And it's the ultimate way for a guy who wants to get a masculine
hetero guy to kind of fall into some gay shit. 100%.
And then all of a sudden the,
it's over and the straight guy is like,
wait, what, are we gonna work out?
He's like, yeah, if you want to.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you come?
I did, I came a little bit, yeah.
It's okay, it's okay.
I'm tired, I don't know if I wanna work out.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
I like this guy.
I like it so much.
We gotta talk to this guy.
I know.
We gotta talk to this guy. And know. We gotta talk to this guy.
And I feel like I know him so much more intimately now that I've seen him jerk off in his mouth.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll fucking, that'll do it.
That'll make you kind of know a guy.
That does make you.
It definitely changes things.
It makes you become familiar with someone.
Dude, if I was hanging out with a friend and he was just like, dude, let's just sniff each other's balls before we, I would be like, dude, no, like absolutely not.
Oh, you don't know about history?
And then you're like, wait, what happened with history?
Yeah, what are you, stupid?
So the Navajo, right?
Right before they would battle.
Yeah.
Gives you like a whole chart on it,
shows you the thing, you're like, oh, okay.
I mean, I'm not above, I don't, I'm not above the Navajo.
And this is such a product of our times too, because you can be like, oh, okay, I mean, I'm not above the now. And this is such a product of our times too,
because you can be like, yeah, I read it online,
where I saw this TikTok.
And there's no way to validate anything anymore.
All of us see one clip, and we're like,
oh, did you know, you wanna hear some shit?
They're like, you're an expert now.
I know.
You watched a 30 second clip.
I watched a TikTok, and I know everything.
Yeah, I do that with sports clips.
Yeah. I'm like, you didn't know that about Jordan?
Meanwhile, everybody, millions of people saw the clip viral.
Of course.
Yeah.
God, I can't watch enough Jordan clips.
Oh, dude.
They just, they're, you think you've seen all the Jordan clips
and then that's its own lane.
There's just MJ, lore, history, childhood, games.
And the amount of, I love now,
because because of social media, the amount of people,
do you think about a guy that played, you know,
so many seasons and so many games,
fucking 81 regular season games every year,
the amount of like guys who have a story
about the time he fucked them up.
It's, it is pornography.
It is like porn.
You know what I'm talking about?
Basketball porn?
It is basketball porn.
Where do they go like, yeah, MJ was kind of having
an off night and then our dumb ass fucking guard
said some shit to him.
And they're like, he just kind of looked at us
and we were all like, ah, fuck.
And they're like, and then he scored 38 points
in the fourth quarter and you're like, oh my God.
Yeah, you can't talk shit to the people
that are like gods at what they do.
There was this one thing on Tiger Woods.
And a guy was just like, yeah, Tiger's not
hitting fairways lately, dude.
I think I got a shot.
And dude, oh, and Tiger went from a slump to just,
you can't do that.
You can't poke those bears, dude.
Did you hear the John Moran story?
The John Moran story is incredible.
When he was coming up, he was short.
He was really short. And then he had a spur.
He got up to 6'2". But they were in these gyms
and there was an A gym and a B gym.
And the B gym were for the lesser players.
And John was in there because he was...
And one of the coaches of the A gym
goes to get a bag of fucking Doritos.
He said he went to get a bag of Doritos
and he poked in the B gym
and he just saw John just fucking killing kids. and he poked in the BGM and he just saw a judge is fucking
Killing kids and he walked back to the coach and he goes I got our guard
I got our guard and then just took him and he ended up getting a go into school
Yeah, and changed everything like if that coach if the coach didn't do that for the Doritos. That's it. Yeah
Wow, it's crazy stories like that. I love that. Yeah, yeah, it's just like it makes you think like do you think shit like that's meant
I kind of do sometimes.
That's a weird, because a guy with that talent
needed to be seen.
And it would have happened maybe not then.
Eventually. Yes.
Somebody would have been like, dude, that kid.
The way these people, like with Jordan the best,
like here's the thing, everybody knows this now,
but when you think about how some people lock in on things.
So the big story is that he didn't make
the varsity team in high school. So the big story is that he didn't make the varsity team
in high school.
Yeah, he got cut 10th grade.
Yeah, sophomore year.
And then after his whole career,
like the craziest career ever,
the guy changed everything,
during his Hall of Fame induction,
he's pouring tears and he brings up those that high school guy
Like he brings up started shitting on people that like left and right, but he still locked into high school
Yeah, yeah, but he's like fucking cut me and she's like fucking tight and you're like damn
Yeah, this is like 30 years later. You're like Jesus Christ and how about his short brother dominated him?
Yeah, and that's what turned him into him. Like he had a brother who was shorter, just used to shit on him and like bully him and beat him.
And then he was just got turned six six
and just started killing everybody.
It's crazy.
That's why I can't even have,
I won't have the argument with LeBron.
If somebody has a LeBron Jordan,
I just can't have the argument.
I can't, it's not, I don't think it's a fair.
No, I don't think so either.
You know, LeBron's great.
His body type is so different.
He's a mate, but he's not Jordan. I mean, he's not fucking
Jordan. No, it's silly. It's silly. It's a silly thing. It's for young kids. It's like
young kids that didn't see him. I also think that nothing, there is no substitute for what
you consume as a kid. Whatever you see first will affect you in a, like your favorite band or the television shows.
That's a great point, create your wires.
Yeah, so like if you talk to like somebody
in like from like our dad's era about football
and you're like, what quarterback are running back?
They're gonna be like Jim Brown or Johnny Unitus.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're gonna be like, but it's like,
it's who they watched, right?
So like, I get it, a kid has been, who's 20 now,
he's been watching LeBron his whole life,
that's his guy, so I get it.
And I can't really, I mean, I'm with you,
I just, I don't even indulge in the conversation.
I'm with you, I'm with you, I'm like, oh really,
I think the closer comparison is Kobe.
I think so too.
I think Kobe is the closest thing to Jordan
that we've seen.
And I think LeBron is just a different,
LeBron is just the type of guy that like,
he's gonna go out to the movies with his kids
after a loss anyway.
Where like, Kobe will just sit home and stew
and just be like, what the fuck did we do wrong
and what can't handle.
You ever see that video of Kobe
watching his teammates laughing?
Remember he's on Kimmel?
Yeah.
He's on Kimmel and Kimmel goes,
here's your teammates and they're like,
they're getting blown out by like 20
and you see the Laker,
like they're laughing, having a good time.
And Kobe's just seething.
Seething, like you fucking pussies.
Did you see the Smosh Parker?
Yeah.
So one of his teammates in the,
he said in the later years he did this interview,
he's like, so I get signed to the Lakers
and my locker is next to Kobe.
So like the first day
He walks in and I go what's up, man, and he goes you can't talk to me
And he goes and then I played with him for two seasons and I never had a conversation
Wow years for two years. He didn't talk to me. That's when did he finally?
No, he goes that's my that's my experience with him.
He was just like, don't bother me.
You're not, we're not the same.
Wow.
That's fucking crazy.
You remember like in what we do as comics,
you know, you remember the,
you really remember the people that are good to you.
Yeah.
And I'm so like people that are good to me,
you could ask all my friends, I'm over Lila.
If you're good to me, I fucking, I'm with you.
But you really remember the people that are fucking bad to you.
And you remember the people that treat you a certain way
when you go in a green room.
Let's go through that list.
And you got a real piece of shit.
No, no, you just remember people that,
and the list is short, there's a few.
It's always short.
It's always, because comics are,
listen, we all have our shit. I don't care what level you're at.
There's all insecurity.
There's all fear.
But then you get that confidence
because you know what you can do.
But there are people that are so insecure
that they project it.
And I feel that.
I feel your projection.
It's like, talk to your fucking father.
Talk to your mother and father.
Don't fucking do it to me before I'm going on stage.
You know, and you can feel it,
because it's all a projection of their shit.
But they put it on us, and I don't like that feeling.
I don't like, because I have my shit,
but I'll never put it on a peer.
I'll never, you know, I'll put it on myself
more than I'll put it on somebody else.
Because that's not really my,
I'm not gonna put my business in you,
and comics are fucking damp.
That's the one thing about this business, dude, that I've really learned and I'm not gonna put my business in you and comics are fucking damp. That's the one thing about this business dude that I've really learned
And I'm really accepting that it's just filled
Filled with mental illness. Oh, yeah, we all are fucking. Yeah, there's a bunch of crazy
But dude, but on the other hand what a great club to belong to because I
Realized that too very recently Paul was in the in our green room here and I was like, oh
Everybody's mentally ill and then I was like, oh, everybody's mentally ill.
And then I was like, what a relief
that I'm amongst my tribe.
Because everybody's still fucked up.
I had to store the other night.
I'm not kidding you.
I was like, this is an insane asylum.
Yeah, I love it.
And there literally are people walking in
and you're like, this a homeless guy?
And like, that's like, they look crazy.
They talk crazy.
There's all kinds, like there's just I have to leave
I left a couple and then you're in the hallway by the OR and you're like this is fucking madness to
People walking around here. It is it is like a fucking awesome
My dad would tell me that because my dad is my dad and I have a different relationship
You know my dad is 100% Sicilian over the top. I mean dude over
I know people have talked about their Italian fathers do my father's in another fucking league dude. Really?
Oh, dude my from this one. No my father was born from the Bronx. Yeah, it grew up in a Bronx tale
That's that's what he did. Yes, like that shit is him and he's just I mean he dude
My dad legitimately roots for the bad guy in movies legitimately
Legitimately wants the bad guy to like yeah, my father crime is like, you know, okay, really? Oh, yeah, like he does
Yeah, he did and he wasn't he was not but he's a hundred percent Sicilian
So he was friends with a lot of people and but he would be like, you know son
I'm so proud of you what you're doing in his business because these people are fucked up
These people are sick, you know, at first, I didn't really know,
because he acted for a while, and he was actually
a good actor.
But then he was like, yeah, I remember, he's like,
yeah, they wanted me to do a fucking audition 6 AM.
He goes, fuck that.
But he was talented, but he wasn't gonna do the work.
He was like, 6 AM, I'm not.
He was one of those.
But then I start hearing, oh, you know,
someone's so autistic, right?
And I'm like, what?
Let's go, that person's a little autistic.
And they're like, oh, they said,
didn't they say something, sign film?
And you find out all these,
you're like, oh, maybe there's a lot of,
listen, I have my shit.
I went through stuff with my parents young
and probably why we want acceptance, right?
We all have that.
But then there's people like you said,
where when you were at the store recently,
you see things, you're like,
oh, this person's fucking gone.
Yeah.
There's some people that are fucking gone.
And then they get on stage and you're like,
the people are like, oh, that's a competent proficient.
Yeah.
You're like legitimately,
this is the only thing that person can do.
They cannot exist in society in a normal way.
This is it.
Yeah, like we could kind of get together and be.
Yeah.
Because there's levels. Family people too. That's true. This is all we got. Yeah, like we could kinda get together and be. Yeah, well we're family people too.
That's true.
A lot of us comedians, unfortunately,
are not well enough to get married
and have relationships and children and family.
So we're the luckier ones that are functional.
And I did that, I was one of the first ones
cause I was in my 20s when I had my son.
So like comedians were like, how are you doing that?
Damn.
Yes, like all of my friends were like I have a lot of friends going Paul
I did this kind of cuz I saw your model like Yanis and all these people were like cuz I was just like cuz that whole thing
Of if you have kids, it's gonna hurt. No, it's not no if you're hungry and funny
It doesn't fucking matter. It's gonna make it more and then your health is your son
My son is 14 wow my little girl's 11 and I was like, you know 30 when my son was born and like, you know
And you know, yeah
It was hard to go hand them off when my wife came home from her full-time job go to the city and do spots
But it made me better
Yeah, and it made me like the idea of like being in a studio apartment
Like just running around like doing spots for rent and then coming home to nothing seems fucking horrible to me
Yeah, you know and not judging but it's like I couldn't do that. Right. Yeah running around like doing spots for rent and then coming home to nothing seems fucking horrible to me.
Yeah.
And not judging, but it's like, I couldn't do that.
Right.
Yeah, I didn't think about that.
Tommy and I, I guess we were lucky in that we started,
I mean, we met young, you were 23, I was 26,
and then we got married as starving comedians.
And you and I had each other to come home to
after those bad sets, after those nightmare nights,
and then to come home to when like,
oh my God, I booked my first feature spot,
or like, oh my God, I'm hosting at the laugh back
or whatever, and we celebrated everything.
And you know, like, I'm, thank God,
we had each other actually, because he's right.
If I had to come home alone after bombing.
You just spiral.
I mean, that's what you do.
I would spiral, yeah.
Having support and stuff, yeah.
And you guys are the rarity.
You guys actually like fucking, because comics that go together, it's hard a lot.
Yeah.
You know?
But that shows that you guys like really care.
That's the difference.
I think caring people, family people just go through life, maneuver through life a little,
I don't want to say easier, but there's something to look forward to.
Like it doesn't matter.
Other things don't matter.
Yeah.
That's really the key. It doesn't fucking matter. Ultimately, you're like, okay, dude, my son is like my son is like
a like a basketball star and I said like he's like from ninth grade I moved up to varsity.
Geez, NBA players and division one players. So my son shot is like so like I could travel,
go on the road, have some shit happen, whatever, good bad. And then I'm just sitting and watching
my son ball. And it's like fucking then I'm just sitting and watching my son ball
and it's like fucking, and I'm just like,
and then I go home and talk to him about it.
And it's like, what am I, oh dude, I almost got it.
Oh dude, I got a story for you guys.
Speaking of things crazy happened,
I was in, when I was in California,
can I tell a story?
Yeah.
Okay, dude, this is fucked up man.
This is the most scared I've ever been.
So recently, a few months ago
I was in California when I go to California
I like to stay in Burbank because it's just easier for me to kind of maneuver and if I have podcasts
So I remember I was going there
I had to go to all things comedy then I had to go to Bobby Lee do Tiger belly had to do all these things and like the
Day of I get there. So it's just a lot
So I do that then the next day I settle down I play golf and I'm starting to get acclimated to the time change.
I go to this hotel and I'm like,
all right, I'm kind of figuring things out
and I take my clothes off, I'm in my boxer briefs,
I get under the covers, I'm all comfortable.
And I'm like, all right, and I hear
at the 10 o'clock at night and I'm tired.
So like, and I'm still on the time thing.
So for me it's like one, yeah, yeah.
So I look at the fucking, I don't on the time thing. Yeah, so for me. It's like one. Yeah. Yeah So I look at the fucking I look I don't say anything. Thank God. I didn't say anything
I walk up and I look in the peephole
Okay, talk about wanting to get home to your kids. I look in the peephole and there's a dude
No shirt on jacked wool hat
Something behind his back looking like this very suspicious at my door
behind his back and he's looking like this, very suspicious at my door, fucking jacked.
And I'm like, and I had a couple tequila's
on the golf course and I just got sober real fucking quick.
Right? And I'm going, what?
And he's just looking around like he wants to.
And it was really fucked up.
And I'm like, luckily, because normally you go,
I don't need anything.
Right? I don't need.
I didn't do none of that.
I was just, I walked up and I looked and this dude was
and he looked like he had
like it looked malice and he looked like something and he's looking around.
And in the people, he looks a little further.
He's right fucking there.
So I steak and I wait and I'm looking, dude.
And I'm like, I'm vulnerable. I'm in my fucking underwear.
And I'm like, and you know, and I had like it was like a suite.
So I had like a kitchen.
I'm like, dude, do I grab something?
So I just let go. He leaves. Then I go to the dude. I swear to God, like 10 suite, so I had like a kitchen. I'm like, dude, do I grab something? So I just let go, he leaves.
Then I go to, dude, I swear to God, like 10 minutes later,
I go to the curtain and my room is looking down
at the courtyard by a pool and I open the thing a crack
and he's just fucking standing at me, dude.
He's walking around the pool and he's looking at me
and I didn't open it a lot, I just opened like an inch
and he's looking at me, dude.
This was like fucking, somebody was like, yeah, she, she was like Cape Fear dude. I'm not joking. So now I'm going what the fuck?
So I called downstairs. I go hey man, there's a dude with no shirt
He's knocking on my door and I just saw him down there. He's looking at it like mr.
Versey will take a look take a look. Yeah, so I said please do come by my room
So I'm looking at my people for a while and I see two employees of the hotel going up and down.
They don't see anything, right?
So now time goes by and I'm like,
all right dude, like I call downstairs anything.
No, Mr. Verzio, we haven't seen anything
but we're looking, right?
So now I start to feel better.
And I'm like, okay, guys at the wrong room, whatever.
Yeah, right?
The guys at the wrong room, right?
I'm still, I don't get dressed.
I'm just like, I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna start to. whatever. Yeah. Right? You guys at the wrong room. Right?
I'm still, I don't get dressed.
I'm just like, you know what?
I'm going to go back.
I'm going to start to.
And I go back to the fucking, like start walking back to my bed 15 minutes later.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
And I look in and it's this dude again.
And he's going, and he's throwing his fucking shoulder in.
Dude, now, now, now it's survival mode.
And the only thing stopping me from, and I'll be honest
with you, something bad would have happened to me or him if it wasn't for that deadbolt
and that latch.
So now I fuck it immediately.
While this dude is banging, I fucking get dressed.
I pack my shit.
I'm like, I'm leaving here right now.
So I call downstairs and I go, ma'am, there is a man banging on my door.
I need to get escorted out of this fucking hotel right now.
He's wants to do harm to me or somebody.
And she goes, OK, let me.
Is he still there? I go, ma'am, get.
And she goes, OK, OK, I said, call the cops, call it.
So they call me back.
I said, call the Burbank Police Department right fucking now.
And now I'm like, now I'm going to do it.
Should I grab a fucking knife?
Yeah, like, I don't know what to do. And this is like months ago. This is not. And I'm and I'm like, now I'm gonna do it. Should I grab a fucking knife?
Like I don't know what to do.
And this is like months ago, this is not.
And I'm like, fuck man.
So I get a phone call from downstairs and she goes,
the Burbank police department would like to talk to you
first before they come here.
Here's their number.
Make me call, make me call.
It's where it's all recorded.
It's all documented.
There's no, I'm not bullshitting, nothing, none of this.
And I call back and they're like, ask,
they're like questioning me
They're going so is he still there? I go
I don't I he's banging on my fucking door man get me the fuck out of here
So I'm really pissed off now. They leave me on hold finally. I hang up on the police
I hang up on them and I called downstairs. I said the two guys that were searching for me
I want them at my door want them to escort me out they go our mr.
You want us to knock door, I want them to escort me out. They go, all right, Mr. Frizz, do you want us to knock?
Or what?
I said, I'll see you come to the door,
knock three times or twice, and I'll see.
So finally, these guys, they come out,
they escort me out, they're trying to ask me questions,
I go downstairs, they're questioning me,
like I did something wrong.
Now I feel nuts, like did I fucking see?
Was this guy pounding on the door this whole time
that you're calling?
No, no, he started so, so he starts pounding on the door,
throwing a grunting, trying to get in.
And that's when I got on and I said,
I need somebody to call.
And then like after a minute or so, he left.
Or I didn't hear it anymore.
And so they escort me out, I get on the phone.
And I actually, I was, I was golfing with Mike Bertolina.
And I call Mike and I go, dude,
is there a hotel you know of?
And he's like, my wife said you could come here.
I'm like, no, did I need to fucking?
So he's like, why don't you go to Universal. I'm like, no, did I need to fucking?
So he's like, why don't you go to Universal City?
So I went to this like nice Hilton University giant.
Went in, they put me on like a high floor, everything.
And I wanted to call to find out.
My wife's like, you better call to find out
if you were targeted.
Cause there's one guy, there was one guy who like
was saying some shit like from California
about he heard me say something on a podcast.
So I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't fucking know.
And I need this shit.
I need this shit in my fucking life.
So anyway, I call long story short, I call up
and they were like, we can't give you information,
but somebody was escorted off the property
that kind of fits the description of what you're saying.
I go, you mean the guy with no fucking shirt
who looked steroid it out and had a wool hat on walking around. Yeah, so
The next day I call and the guy the guy was like mr. Verzi. I can't give you too much information
But you were not targeted you were not targeted. It was a random thing and you know, you're you're clear and all this stuff and
Yeah, man, and I'll be honest with you that that
Was the first time where I was like,
I wanna get home to my,
and I had to be in California for 13 days.
So I was doing, yeah, I was doing a run.
I was doing the American Comedy Company, San Diego,
and I was doing podcasts in LA,
and I was doing a bunch of things,
and this is only day three.
So I was just like, but I could say that was the scariest
shit that had, it was almost like the movies,
like when the horror movie where it comes down and you think it's over.
And then the dude comes back, that was the most.
And that's when going back to us talking about kids.
That's when I was like, all right, dude, like there's a lot more important.
Because if that if that door opens, I don't know what happens.
I don't know, because he could have been on meth.
I don't know what the fuck sounds like it was.
And maybe he that room, he thought something else was happening in there
Yeah, it kind of makes you change your perspective on Burbank, too
Oh, dude, I got out and I shit on the hotel. They handled it horrible
I went back like Burbank was like also the police being like let's talk first call us first before because they almost treated it
Like maybe am I on drugs would 911 have worked the same way? I wonder if you've just caught on that's a good question
I was thinking the hotel would have my back. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking a hotel would call up and say that next time
It's just 9-1-1. 9-1-1 right? Well, Burbank has its own police department. Yeah, that's why they're so much better than the rest of LA County
Yeah, so that's surprising that fuck Burbank. Yeah, that's terrible. Don't ever go there again. No dude
It was it was really not cool man. Yeah, was, yeah dude, that was horror movie shit.
You know, things get a little different
out here in Texas.
Oh yeah.
Oh!
Yeah, we don't call 911 out here.
We do not.
I mean, listen.
Like I would have been fucking blown away before.
The best crowds, listen.
I did Rogan's Small Room here.
That's great.
And it is the greatest, one of the greatest.
It reminded me of how great the Denver comedy works is yeah but also the red room the red room at Cap
City yeah holy shit little rooms are the actual gems they're dark it's like
what comedy should be but I mean listen can we be honest for a second about
Austin yeah I mean it's disgusting downtown I mean I can't wait to get out
of the show I mean there's heroin addicts dude I want to get the fuck out
I was disgusting yeah I had the same feeling when I saw this guy
sucking his own dick on my way.
That's a good representation of downtown Austin.
The guy sucking his own dick.
It's just like down the 6th street right there.
Yeah, it's like the weather's nice, the people are friendly,
the comedy scene is great, but it's fucking gross, dude.
Yeah, let's stay on town.
Agreed.
Don't go there.
Yeah, agreed.
Yeah, but.
That's wild, dude. That's a scary. That was go there. Yeah agreed. Yeah, but um, that's wild dude. That's a scary
That was a scare that was probably one of the most scared because it was almost like, you know fight or flight
Right. Yeah, like when I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where like there's clear threat two inches away from you
I did a I did a run years ago that a guy put together and when
When it was like one of those like I mean really low level runs, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
When I did Oakland, I was like, I remember,
he drove me and he's like, here's the hotel.
And I'm like, this doesn't look like a good hotel.
And when I got to the room, the smell is off.
There's parts of the carpet that are cut out.
And I heard the, it's just you hear like the chaos
in the hall, it was really, it was not cool.
And I slept terribly and I remember I,
when I was checking out, I just went to the front desk
and I was like, what happens here?
To the lady and she was like, what?
I go, is this where people come to just like do drugs?
And she was like, and she was like what I go is this where people come to just like do drugs and yeah, she was like
And she just looked at I go this is this is the most terrifying night
And you know this is that you didn't have the money to go like you you were I had to go you had to go there
You had to I told the guy because it was like it was he promoted the run. I was like you can't you can't put people here
I understand as it's not gonna be the four seasons. It can't be here.
This is terrible. This is terrifying. You hear shouting and like, you know,
it's filth. It was like a real, like he obviously was like, what's the fucking
absolute cheapest place I can put some? I go, you can't do that dude. You can't do
that to somebody. Yeah. Well that's what I think about all the time, how damaged you
have to be to be a stand-up comedian.
Cause especially as a woman, I've put up with all...
There's one time I did this gig in Texas.
No, I don't tell that story.
It makes me too upset.
Okay.
That guy, I fucking, I want it, it enrages me.
Makes you want to go find a guy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's just say it was put together
by people that do illegal things for a...
It was gnarly.
It was, I basically went on a drug,
the guy picks me up from the airport
and we go on a drug run first.
Yeah, I mean that's like, the level of,
is the level of irrespective, like that's,
like that would, I'm putting myself in your situation
or, and it's like, well somebody said like,
Paul would you let your kids do stand up?
And I'm like, dude when I got into stand up,
I came in, I was doing, literally,
I was doing all the black rooms in New York City,
and it was, you are gonna fucking kill or bomb,
and you're gonna know quickly.
And I'm talking talents room, Capone, okay,
all these guys that were like,
they called the New York Kings of Comedy.
I drove from Westchester down to 125th Street in Harlem
to do Uptown Comedy Club,
where it was 250 black audience members
dressed to the nines and they're gonna let you know.
But then when you crushed, they're like,
oh, white boys, funny.
And then they wanna put you on the circle.
But I came up like that, doing things like that.
I couldn't imagine my son or daughter just getting in the car
and they're growing up so much softer than we were.
They're not gonna do it.
They're not gonna do it.
You don't have to worry about it.
They're not gonna put themselves through what you went through for that. You don't have to worry about it. They're not gonna put themselves through
what you went through for that.
Yeah, because I'm a good father.
Yeah, yeah.
They have good parents.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the thought of it is like scary.
Of course.
You have to grow up with so much neglect
to be able to tolerate.
You have to have such a hole in your heart to fill.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
It's so sad.
It's sad to collect it.
Dude, as you said that,
as you said that,
like that one sentence maybe reflect on my life. You know, you mean? That's right. It's sad. Dude, as you said that, as you said that, that one sentence maybe reflect on my life.
You know, you gotta fill something.
You have a sick need.
Everyone who does this has some need
that doesn't even,
here's the thing,
you end up having success and getting specials
and making a good living
and you still keep doing it.
Why do you keep doing it?
You know what I mean?
It's because something inside of you.
I remember when I first started,
I was like, man, imagine being on like VH1 best week ever.
And you're just ahead.
I remember seeing just ahead,
like the talking heads or like Greer Barnes and Chiratswain.
I'm like, dude, if I can do that, like, I kinda,
but then you, and I would always be like,
how can you get like a special and not be,
and then you get a comedy, I got a comedy central.
And I got the Netflix and I'm like, all right, like what's it's, cause it's always
having to prove.
Yeah.
And it never ends.
But you go and you get better in this something that's really hard.
Yeah.
Hard thing.
And you never totally master it.
That's the other thing.
Yes.
There is no final level.
Yeah.
It just, you just keep.
Isn't that the fun of it?
I love the craft of it cause the success comes and goes.
Yeah. But the work of it, the actual work of it is the funnest. I love the craft of it because the success comes and goes. But the work of
it, the actual work of it is the funnest part for me. You know what I like more than when
I see it. It's fun to see your hour on Netflix or something. You're like, oh my gosh, I don't
enjoy that nearly as much as the process of writing.
I don't watch it. I love it.
I don't watch it. The fun thing is like I was in LA and I hadn't seen Kirk Fox in like
a couple of months. And then he watched me do my seen Kirk Fox in like a couple months.
And then he watched me do my set
and I had like a couple of new bits that hit
and him telling me that fucking thing
and that fucking thing feels better than like
any of the shows.
Dude, I can't believe you said that.
You know, when the Netflix thing came out
and people were like, dude, you're so funny.
It was nice.
But recently Joey Diaz like said something about Manapod and he people were like, dude, you're so funny, it was nice. But recently Joey Diaz, like said something about Manapod
and he was just like, dude, this kid is fucking.
And he just started saying all these amazing things.
And he's like, that special is great.
I fucking felt better about that.
About a guy who has seen comedy for fucking decades
and watched it.
You feel better about that than actually watching it.
The peer approval is like that.
When somebody that, you feel better about that than actually watching it. The peer approval is like, yeah. When somebody that, you know,
I remember the first time somebody said,
Bill Burr said, you're a beast.
And I was just like, what?
And I don't listen to it, I don't watch my shit,
I can't, I don't listen to it.
It's very uncomfortable to even listen
to somebody talk about you.
It's really like a tough,
but when somebody that you respect
or somebody that's been around for a long time says,
like, dude, that bit is so, it's like, oh, it makes it,
it makes it worth.
I missed you guys, by the way, in Vegas.
Oh, hold on, I have to pee so hard.
All right, let's take a pee break.
We don't have a button for that?
We'll be back.
Sorry, guys.
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't wanna interrupt.
Let's see here.
I have to take up his.
We're gonna go take a dump.
We'll be back in a little bit to talk about it.
We're back, everybody peed.
It felt so good.
Can I tell you something?
I didn't want to admit this.
I really had to pee and I just was waiting.
Really?
Yeah, and then when you said something, it was kind of like, oh, I don't have to say something, but...
But to think that we wasted all this valuable pee because it has so much testosterone...
Yeah, we could have drank my piss gotten stronger.
If you weren't paying such such a fucking chick about it.
We could have cut balls, yeah.
I know, what the fuck, right?
I wish we would have.
Man.
All that good male energy, we just wasted it.
Well, you know, we're gonna talk to this guy, we're gonna figure this out.
That's what I was saying though before, is I missed you guys in Vegas.
Because, yeah, Andrew Russell hit me up, the great Andrew Russell, he goes, he goes, hey,
why don't you come?
And it was like, by the time I found out,
I was, I'm not a drug guy.
I don't do, like, I don't get really,
like I'm more drink more.
I'm a cocktail guy, yeah, but I hit a little,
I hit a little something and like everyone that we were with
was just in their rooms gone.
And it was just like me playing cards.
And I'm like, dude, am I gonna get in a car,
high, drunk, alone, late?
And I just had that weird thing.
The Saturday night, you mean?
The Saturday night.
Yeah.
The Saturday night before the Super Bowl.
The week, even the day before.
I'm sorry, the day before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the show.
Your after party.
Yes.
Yeah.
That shit was fun.
I know, I know, but I think,
and I figured out why.
Cause I had a little weed, which I normally don't do. I drank, but I think that I think you figured out why yeah, cuz I had a little weed which I normally don't do
I drank but I think that that story in the hotel
I just think like being a little high which I'm not used to well here's the thing drunk
I would have been felt you have ever whether or not you recognize it you have a little PTSD from that
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I was terrified that absolutely
You think like that will stick with you.
You think like that will stick?
Yeah, because like even when I'm in hotels.
Even in like a corner parked away somewhere, it stays there.
Yeah, it does, right?
Yes, for sure.
Fuck.
Yeah, that's a traumatic event.
That's why I was like, I don't want to be in Vegas in a car at night at, you know, high
in drinking and, you know, and then.
Because one of the things you should actually look for,
I think for hotels now is just accessibility to floors.
You know what I mean?
A lot of hotels now you have to scan to get to that floor.
You should exclusively stay at hotels like that.
Yes. 100%.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just peace of mind.
Yeah.
And I could have, I would have loved to come and hang in.
I should have, but like I was just like,
I'm high, what if this Uber driver,
like that's probably where, yeah.
That's the origin of it.
I'm not, are you a drug dude?
No, no, no.
No, man, I'm not.
Like I have to do it at home.
Yeah.
You know, like.
A little before bed sometimes is nice.
Edible.
Mild, not strong.
Me too, me too.
I took a, well, I had a sponsor send some stuff
and I used to take like the five 10s.
So they send me a new flavor and it was like a peach.
And I was like, I'm going to bed.
Let me take a five milligram peach.
But I noticed it was like a little big,
it was like a block, right?
Like a little square block and I eat it, right?
So my wife is sleeping and I started to feel different
and I started to, it was the weirdest thing,
I started to feel sad but I embraced the sad.
And I got, my wife said she heard me kind of talking
to myself and I-
Oh my God!
What?
Were you walking?
Okay, no, no, check this out but there's a little,
there's a little twit.
My wife is going like, you sounded like you were having
like a party with yourself.
And I started pouring wine and shit.
And I said, Alexa, play sad 80s music, right?
And I'm feeling this fucking like death leper,
whatever it was.
And I'm really feeling the fucking pain of it.
And I'm drinking this wine and Stacy's going,
you're talking to yourself.
It sounded like there were fucking 13 people in the kitchen.
It was just you. And then she goes, and then I went and she goes, your yourself. It sounded like there were fucking 13 people in the kitchen. It was just you.
And then she goes, and then I went and she goes,
your eyes were bugged out of your fucking head.
My eyes, and I go, what?
Three days later, I go, yeah, no, I'm talking a friend,
a friend of our family's into going, like, micro.
Have a little dose.
And I go look at this peach thing.
It was fucking mushrooms.
Oh.
That's why it was bigger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luckily, it was only five milligrams,'s why it was bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Luckily it was only five milligrams, so I didn't go to another place. But when I said
I embraced the sadness, that's what it was. Because the regular edible, the weed would
just make me tired, relaxed, put on it right, put on a movie. But I was like, talking to
my, I was like feeling everything that I was-
You were doing some work. You were doing some deep work. And my wife was like, why are your eyes like that? was like talking to my, I was like feeling everything that I was. You were doing some work.
You were doing some deep work.
And my wife was like, why are your eyes like that?
And I didn't realize, I saw the little mushroom
in the O of the smoke and I realized that
cause they just sent like their new flavor or whatever.
Oh, you did this.
You know how I'm 10 milli-tom sometimes?
I got into some, I actually downshifted.
Sometimes I'm five milli-tom.
Wow, what?
Yeah, and that's enough for me.
That's cool.
That gives me like a little buzz.
Yeah.
And that sets me straight.
I don't need a lot.
Your story reminds me so much of when Tommy
and I were living in Silver Lake back in,
was it 2010 or something?
And he had eaten a cake pop, right?
It was tiny.
It was cake pops.
And I didn't do anything,
and I get up in the middle of the night,
and it's pitch black,
and I just see the silhouette of Tommy Pacing
in the living room talking to himself too.
No.
Because I was too fucked up.
I couldn't lay down.
Oh, dude.
So I just, I keep talking to myself.
Yes.
I was like, are you okay?
I still do that.
If I get more than I need, if it's too much, like I woke up the other
day where I was on the road somewhere and I had taken an edible. Yeah. And I just had
like 15 voice notes.
You did take it?
Yeah, I did take it to myself. But I feel like smart people, the smart people talk to themselves
because they're trying to figure out what's going on. Like dummies just pass out or they just think,
I think somebody who's has like an active mind has to figure it out.
This is what I liked. I had done my, I had performed. Yeah.
Had some dinner, had the edible, go to my room.
So my voice notes were all about my set.
So I'm actually just trying to work.
I was like, you know what you're doing wrong here?
That setup is all fucking, this is why it sucks.
And I fucking dictate to myself. And did like, you know what you're doing wrong here? That setup is all fucking, this is why it sucks. And I fucking dictate to myself.
And did the notes pan out the next day?
Two of them actually were decent notes.
A few of them were not.
Two of them had a fucking, yeah.
The one thing that my dad did do, I would say,
like there's a few things I took from him
that were great was just don't do drugs.
I was always afraid, you know,
because my dad was like, if whoever does drugs,
my dad would say drugs, tattoos,
and beers are fucking losers.
That's why I tell our kids, losers.
You have to have nice shoes, you have to have a nice watch.
You have to have a nice car.
That's a different era, those guys.
Yeah, but it still holds up.
But he also said, truck and just marry a rich woman.
You know, he said some shit.
You know who's a good actor?
Joe Pesky.
That's what my mom always told me. Mary Rich.
That's what my dad...
Because you can love a poor man. You can love a rich man just as much as you can love a poor man.
And I married the poorest, most lovable sweet man.
And now look what happened. I got lucky.
She hated Tom.
My dad actually sat my older brother down and he goes,
Just marry a rich woman.
My brother was like, what?
What?
How do you do that, dad?
How do you just target rich women?
He goes, don't marry anything.
He said, dude, they don't give a fuck.
They just want to get married.
They'll marry a fucking horse.
Dude, he told us that.
I was like, hey, dude.
Really?
He goes, they'll marry a fucking.
As a kid.
Oh, dude.
A little kid.
Dude, as a kid.
Dude, he told me he was working on Martin Luther King Day and I go why and he goes a guy's a pervert
Dude, he told me that I swear to God he goes he goes I don't take off on Martin Luther King day
Fuck guys a fucking womanizer guys a pervert. They glorify him. I was a kid man
My dad said some wild shit, dude, you know, he's just one of those my dad loves Trump
I mean, oh, yeah, I mean of those, my dad loves Trump. I mean, on another level.
Greatest of all time.
Oh, look, dude, if Trump was fucking throwing babies
off the building.
What is this?
Like they're evil, they're evil, but he knew it.
That's an interesting psychology to that.
What's your assessment of why he loves him so?
Cause there's, I'm not saying this just because of it's him.
I'm saying when somebody loves a president to a
Kind of like bizarre degree any president. Yeah, it's you know like you've been in homes
We're like they have growing up like there's like a framed
Painting like Reagan and you're like the fuck is going on. Why do you love the president this much? Yeah?
Yeah, why does he love him so much?
You know, it's weird, you know, it, I don't even know if it's definitely a Republican thing
because he loved Kennedy. Okay. The reason why he loved Kennedy is because it was Irish Catholic.
Sure. So it's about the church and morals and family, you know? Finally a good guy.
Yeah, yeah. This guy goes to church with his family, like, and with Trump, I think it,
I think Trump, because my father, like, this is gonna sound, my father is so America first.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, you know, when he called those
third world country shitholes, my father's like,
they are, they're fucking are.
They're letting these fucking, you know,
like my father says some wild shit.
I think that that's the thing that people who love him
specifically identify with the most.
It's the shit talking.
It's the fact that it's
not a political spin because that no politician talks like that. No politician talks the way
Trump doesn't say. I think that's very exciting to people when someone's like, the place is
fucking terrible. And they're like, thank you. Yeah, you're saying the truth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's that. I think that that's what it is too. I think him being very brutally honest,
like my like my dad is, my dad told me
when my comedy special came out, he called me
and he goes, you know, I just wanna tell you
how proud I am, it was really funny.
He goes, I don't know what I would do if it was bad
cause I'd have to tell you.
You know, he was like, I couldn't lie to you.
And I was just like, or you could just fucking,
yeah, or you could say, hey, you're working hard. It's good.
But I think that actually that's kind of why I think somebody like,
you know, I don't even know, honestly, I don't even think it's a Democrat.
I think it's people that just say shit that like other people maybe think.
Yeah. You know, is it?
It's weird. It's a weird thing when someone loves like people like
like love Obama, you know,
like love him or two or three and you're like,
what are you fucking, no one or something?
Like why do you love the guy so much?
He's the president.
Every president is a megalomaniac narcissist,
every single one.
A hundred percent.
It's a control thing.
It's a power thing.
You have to be sick to think I want to be president.
I know, I can't.
I don't think there is a president
that I've just been in love with.
Like what a great guy.
You're like, it's all bullshit.
You know they're bullshit.
Maybe they're handsome or something.
I don't know.
That actually helps you in politics.
Yeah.
Looking that's a huge thing.
There's no politicians I love.
No.
Who do I?
Because they're all 70 something years old.
They're all fucked up.
They need to be hotter.
You know.
We need someone hot for president.
Yes.
People like oh Obama's like no.
He's not great looking.
Let's be honest. He's a decent looking man. He's a decent, no. He's not great looking. Let's be honest.
I mean, he's a decent looking man.
He's a decent looking man.
I think he's.
John F. Kennedy was a good looking man.
Yeah.
I think but like, yeah, I mean, but like objectively, I think maybe like.
Comparing to everybody else.
Yeah.
I think if you look a lineup of men, you'd be like, yeah, he looks like a normal man.
Yeah.
You know, what is he like a fucking?
There's like no hotties.
There's like the hottest.
The best looking politician is probably
who's most like despised, despised.
Probably the two are Gavin Newsom.
Yeah, he's handsome.
He's such a piece of shit.
He's very handsome.
And then Trudeau and Canada.
Like those are like traditionally good looking men, right?
They're ultra hated by so many people. Traditionally good-looking men, right? Yeah.
They're ultra-hated by so many people.
Yeah.
But they're very handsome men.
Yeah, they're fucking.
They stink.
They fucking stink, dude.
But they're good-looking.
Yeah.
They are good-looking.
I was talking to my Uber driver about what Gavin Newsom did when they were talking about
how the homeless thing is not a problem and the drug thing is not a problem.
He's a psycho.
And then when China came, they cleaned it up.
Did you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he also said he did.
He even admitted, he was like, yeah, we did,
of course, we had visitors.
Yeah, he's lying, they're all lying.
You're right, they're all lying pieces of shit.
They all are, yes, they all are.
Would you google a young Ronald Reagan?
Maybe he was attractive, because he was an actor.
He was an actor, but I don't know.
I don't know, there's no hotties.
I think 50's good looking is different
than today's good looking.
Yeah, no, I don't think so.
Okay, but now do Gavin, because like.
Bill Clinton was thought of as handsome.
I personally wasn't.
Oh yeah, he's hot.
Gavin's a good, he's like 6'5".
No, he's attractive, which sucks
because he sucks so bad.
Yeah.
He's the worst.
Yeah, he's 6'5", too.
Yeah, yeah, that's some they said that like there's that also affects your votes. Like when they study
really races over height. Yeah. People prefer a taller person. People are voting on
superficial things. Yes. Like is this guy good-looking? Is he tall? Does he have a
firm handshake? Yeah, it's all nonsense.
That's why actors could be president.
I mean, Schwarzenegger was our governator
for a while, remember?
Yeah.
I bet you he could win the presidency.
I believe that Schwarzenegger had a budget surplus
in California, which is a huge fucking accomplishment.
He did a good job, actually.
Yeah, he did.
I'm thinking about like, yeah, like short people
that has fucked up.
That's like a big thing is that there's only been,
I said, I think if you look at the history of US presidents.
George W. Bush short or no?
George W. Bush?
Yeah, maybe.
Like like 5'11".
Maybe, but there's only a few that fall below that.
Like people.
Only six foot, so yeah, see that's,
you might be punching that up, you know.
Yeah, like the stacks.
They take the bigs and they put them down. They saidon was six weeks like five ten and a half do easily. Yeah
I didn't know that he was that tall. Yeah, I guess well once television started is when looks really mattered because before that
We had a president in a wheelchair. That's right
So it was only never never
But a present oh no
I mean that's dementia. I mean, that's dementia. That's different.
Yeah, yeah.
My favorite shit was when he slept here.
He had a good smile and face, you know, 20 years ago.
Decent looking man, I think.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it is true.
Now that I think about it, has there ever been a president who's like undergone?
What's his name?
Has his cool little lifts and his shoes a uh, DeSantis? Those are cute.
Does he have lifts?
You didn't see that?
No.
Dude.
No.
Ron DeSantis wears these fucking like hilarious lift boots.
No.
Yes dude. And look at the-
And they put them, they're like high heels, they're disguised high heels.
Like those aren't even like standard boots. They're especially made to give them
They look like the one when those chicks wear the like the nikes, but they have the heel
That's terrible dude
Who's that conservative one? I like where he's like be offended
It's like you said that they were fat. Oh that who's that the Indian King here offended be offended. I
Think he's handsome. No, and you're thinking of the event. I think he's handsome. No, you're thinking of...
Be offended.
Yeah, he's small.
Yeah, he's a small guy.
You don't have a shot.
You don't have a shot.
What are the shortest US presidents ever?
Because this is like...
So fucking demoralizing.
Before television, I'll bet you anything.
Yeah, it's definitely back in the day.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Do you think people...
Abraham Lincoln was 6'4".
Okay, there you go.
James Madison, 5'4".
5'4". Dude, that's fucking... But that's... Kevin Hart. Yeah. You think people Abraham Lincoln? Oh, okay. There you go James Madison five four
Oh, that's fucking but that's Kevin Hart. Yeah, that's quite a while ago
Dude, I gotta be honest with you if five four president walking out to the podium is a little fucked up
Yeah, it could only happen in the pre-television era
Can I tell you who I've come to love a lot more now that he's in the rear view is George W. Jr. I
Really start to like him now because he's just kind of dopey and fun and he's not as dumb as other people
We've had since you know what I mean. Yeah, he's um
And he's kind of a painter now he paints. He seems sweet. Everybody kind of goes like yeah, you weren't you're not that bad
But also he was like you're fucking stupid that everybody was like, you're fucking stupid.
Like imagine, that was the narrative the whole time.
There's like a big dummy.
You dumb fuck.
Yeah.
Everybody was like, you're stupid all the time.
But you know what's fucked up is he was so hated
and the two wars and all that.
And then afterwards, the hate for Trump was so great
that when George W. W. W. W. W. W.
when they went on Jimmy Kimmel,
he came on Jimmy Kimmel and got like a hero's welcome.
They went fucking nuts for him.
In California.
They went nuts for him in California.
I didn't even think of that.
That's how much that the Trump imbalance,
people were like, I kind of want this Bush guy back.
Who they just roasted for eight years.
Yeah, it's really fucking wild what's going on.
Anyway, it's gonna be a great year.
2024 elections coming up.
Oh dude, don't talk about it.
It's just setting.
New York is ready to everybody's hate and it's wild.
It's gonna be fun.
It's gonna be fun.
All right, here we go.
First real quick, is this horrible or hilarious
what I show you?
Does it make you laugh or make you sad?
Okay.
I like these.
Oh boy.
These always make me.
Oh my shit.
Oh my shit.
That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's good.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
Especially if it's not hot like this.
I like the guy who tries to come help here and he's like no.
He's putting his hand over it like it's a cartoon.
Like it's gonna.
That's not gonna.
That's a good one.
I believe that's yeah.
It's a brewery.
It's like a brewery.
Yeah.
That's kind of fun.
How about this one?
He's broken.
Is that?
No, he's not good.
It's like F. Yeah, it's like half funny. Any fall is kind of like that.
Yeah. And especially it's like sweet migrant workers.
Like, come on guys.
Migrant workers.
I think these are just guys at a construction site.
Sweet.
His name is Rudy.
He's from El Salvador.
He's setting half his pay back home to the old country.
He's got 10 kids back in El Salvador.
He's illegal.
That's karma now.
Okay.
Can't afford.
Can't afford.
Do you want to introduce them to what you're going to show them?
Are you ready for my TikTok curations?
Sure. So I like to find the outliers, the people that are underrepresented on TikTok and you're going to show. Are you ready for my TikTok curations? Sure.
So I like to find the outliers,
the people that are underrepresented on TikTok
and showcase them for our show.
Okay.
Do not make your food, put it in a Tupperware,
and then leave it on your counter for a week
because you literally will pass away.
This 20 year old diet of a condition
that's commonly referred to as fried rice syndrome,
this is a condition in which you can have bacterial overgrowth if pasta or rice
is left at room temperature for too long. In Med School we're taught the phrase,
reheat rice, be serious to remember which bacteria causes this condition. So how long is too long?
You should not eat pasta or rice that has been left at room temperature unrefrigerated for more
than two hours. That's not that long. That's not that long.
Two hours a day.
The medical world always pushes the actual stat
because they know people won't listen to exactly that.
Right?
So the reality is probably it's four hours.
So they say two.
So that you'll split the difference.
I mean, I've definitely had something over.
Hell yeah.
To be honest.
But what lunatic does a week?
A week is insane. I mean does a week a week is a week
with rice we kind of want you to die if you're that dumb yeah yeah it's all
hard there's got to be mold or some shit like that's yeah that's fuck and it's a
chick well so this is a thing in the mom world where yeah they're telling moms
now to reheat rice because it's like giving kids and bacterial
infection. So they're just warning you to reheat rice.
OK, don't think you can just write about when you eat rice, whatever's left and
you're done. It's gone. I know.
You scrape it in the garbage and that's it. It's it's rice.
That's right. You can you can make some more.
Fucking cheap people are the worst. Yeah.
Let's just make another thing.
Hey, how are you doing today?
Doing well. How are you?
Fine. What's your name? And where are you from? John Connelly Esposito from Make another Cash me
Penman classic John
This this will this will hold up in 30 degree weather 20 degree Rather, huh?
Rainstorm coming down on it is 10x baby. It's gonna keep you warm and dry. You know, that's right
That's right. I'm gonna demand you to make a man a man a man a man
Hold up. Give anybody a Stalin tip. What would it be top and bottom baby?
Middle don't matter
Bottom baby get it get it get it. get it. What's your favorite meal?
My favorite meal?
Oh man, scrambled egg whites and chicken breasts.
Keep it lean baby, high and tight.
What's his other side?
Torres.
Good Torres, think it's supposed to be a time.
Don't leave me hanging.
I love you man, you got a beautiful smile
and your peeps are on you.
Oh my god.
How great was that?
That's a fun New York City thing, oh my man.
That's great.
Good actor, too.
He's fantastic.
He was in Usual Suspects.
He was also Breaking Bad.
Oh, yeah.
He was the main, he was the villain.
I love how after he said something, he clapped.
Yeah.
I love that.
This is one of those like influence rare accounts, right?
Where they're like, what do you wear?
Yeah, what do you wear?
But I just loved his energy.
His energy is great.
And also, New York City.
That's the only, like, that can happen in New York.
That can happen in New York.
Because they do it all the time.
It does happen.
They do it all the time where they stop people.
What are you wearing?
What's your background?
What do you do for a living?
But you can also just run into him, which is kind of...
Cool, yeah.
What a great outfit he had on.
That energy.
That looks great.
Saying you're baby, cash me in.
See, that's somebody that gets jobs because you want to work with them.
Of course.
You want to work with that.
You work with exactly.
That guy on a set, you're like, yes, he's coming in.
Positive energy.
Yeah.
I love that shit.
I always hurt too, everybody just goes, you know, when it's come, when, when you're
a producer and you're like, it's down to these two.
Yeah.
Right?
Yep.
And you've worked with this guy and this guy and you're like, yeah, this guy's good,
but he's a fucking asshole. You ever just feel a dud? You call this guy. Energy. A guy and this guy and you're like, yeah, this guy's good, but he's a fucking asshole.
You ever just feel a dud?
You call this guy.
A dud just walks in and you're like,
oh yeah.
Sucks the air out of the room.
You're like, oh, yeah.
We don't work with any bricks.
No studio jeans, we make sure.
No energy suckers.
I catch you, I catch, listen to me.
I catch you, I put a gun in your mouth.
Whoa.
You understand?
Don't call me no more. Peace, you garbage. You garbage. Is that your dad? I catch you Oh
Is that your dad?
That's your mother
I don't know
You have to send this to me.
You have to send this to me. That's the greatest shit.
First of all, I don't know what I love more.
The gold chains? The chains are.
Or the fact that he said gun in the mouth.
I mean, this is a fucking 80-year-old man.
You are garbage, person.
You are garbage. I will put a gun in your mouth.
Every time he calls me, he's about to tell the story.
It's a telemarketer.
That's a real thing though.
There is crime in the, there is a criminal thing.
Honestly, in the, like I used to enjoy doing shit.
Like you get like a little rush out of it.
Sure.
You know, breaking into something or doing something.
It's like, that's not normal.
Like that's like a cultural.
It's a dopamine rush.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. I used to-
Stealing, hurting people.
No, not hurting.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, not hurting people.
But just like, running red light.
Like, I used to sit at a red light, look around.
There's no cops I run through that felt great.
Like, I loved it.
Like, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I did.
Or like, we would-
It does feel good.
It feels good to steal a little bit.
We were breaking in cars in college and I feel bad now.
And if my kids ever did that, I would be devastated.
But like, imagine what this guy, I mean, this guy's talking about putting a gun in somebody's mouth
That has to be
To really do that like to act like to imagine yourself putting a gun in somebody's mouth
Has to get you so fucking rock hard like I imagine
Just seeing the fear in someone's eyes that That to me. Depends on the person, but yeah.
Well, yeah, I don't mean you go up to like some kid
on a playground.
It's gotta be rough as shit.
I'm just saying like a fucking.
Like a guy that deserves it.
That asshole.
And you put it in his mouth and now you see the fear
in his face, you just have a rager.
Yeah.
And you're like, I'm gonna take the gun out,
but I'm gonna put my dick in there.
And you are gonna take all of it.
If not, the gun goes back in
No, no just to go finish the rest of it no to find out I have a
Fucking pure no way. Yeah, bro.
Is that real?
Yeah.
You can orchestrate this, obviously.
You can.
You can, but like...
That's a small mouse.
A fucking mouse.
It's probable.
It's possible.
This should be national news.
Well, listen, how did the mouse get in the poor from the poor?
It doesn't.
No, no, no.
It'd have to be in the cup and then you...
And then you build the drink around the mouse.
So somebody grabs a cup without looking?
Can you imagine driving back around and be like, can I, um, throw something?'d have to be in the cup. And then you build the drink around the mouse. So somebody grabs a cup without looking?
Can you imagine driving back around,
be like, can I, um, throw something?
Can I speak to a manager here?
Oh my God.
Do I have to fucking puke?
If that's real, that place needs to be shut the fuck down forever.
Of course.
Forever.
Of course.
I mean, it's possible because like I said,
look how tiny that mouse is.
You probably wouldn't feel it in the way to the cup
if you're making a drink.
But here's the thing, we live in this time now
where like you can't put it past someone
to create, manufacture this, the box, you know?
I know, I know, I know.
It's still a good tech talk.
Christina, by the way, your Instagram,
I messaged you on this after I did your show.
Your Instagram has gotten me sick.
The stories?
No, her Instagram stories, I saw this Asian woman
and I didn't know what it was and she started eating
something and I messaged you, I go,
why did you do this to me?
You're supposed to be proud.
How do you find this?
How do you find this?
This is my job, this is my, can I tell you something, Paul?
It's easy because I love what I do.
It's never work, it really is my passion.
I always say that her stories and these,
it's like it's an emotional ride and you just
don't know what day it is for her, because some days it's very, very sad and very traumatic.
And some days it's like silly and fun and you just don't know what you're getting into.
You've actually freaked me out and I've had that yoga guy moment with your Instagram story
a bunch.
I'm so happy to hear that.
All I want to do is take people on a journey.
That's all I want.
That's my Lord's work.
That's amazing.
The reality of being trans is even if you're in the hospital,
trying to get help, you're going to get misgender.
It's going to be the hospital's down
and it's going to hurt.
This morning, I was woken up by being called to
heat.
Thank you Christina. Thank you for adding that to your life.
Well you're fighting for your life. You think you'd let the misgendering slide? I mean I
look, you know.
What's this dude's like health issue? What the fuck is on his face? That's I'm not sure about no look good. It's not a feeding tube or something
Yeah, I imagine if you had a feeding tube and your biggest problem somebody fucking saying that to you do I mean that's not
That's what I mean like when I was younger and someone called me ma'am before I lived in the south
I'd be a little irked because I'm like not that old but that old but I wouldn't I wouldn't take to video You know what I mean?
That's you know what man?
There's people that fucking have feeding tubes that want to get rid of the feeding tube
You know you know instead of this shit that's enraging to me. No
Thank You Christina. So let's see what else you got here another fun ride the
step. See? That was a fun counterbalance. You know the fucking dying vision. You have
the back and forth. You do. A little cultural relevance with the Italian stuff. But this
one's great because we've all done this. Well everyone's done this. No, but what makes this one great, it's the off-balance fault.
Yes. It's the one step one way, the other step, and then shit falling. It's perfect.
And nobody gets hurt, but it is a nuisance.
That last two steps is what does it. That sucks so bad.
Oh, shit. It's enough to fuck up your day.
That sucks so bad. Shit.
It's enough to fuck up your day.
By the way, my wife, if you ever want to see my wife uncontrollably laugh, uncontrollably
can't, is when somebody falls.
She goes to the models that wiggle, you know, when the heel goes, and they just, and they're
on the runway, and then she's crying laughing.
You gotta show this one.
Oh, she would love that.
Can I see it one more time?
She would cry. I just like the, it's so subtle. I give him credit for staying up.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Right there that one. Yeah me too. I thought he was gonna hit the wall and just fucking.
He stayed. He doesn't get hurt so it's lovely. He doesn't break his thing. Just a little whoopsie
daisy. It's really good actually. It's really good. Yeah so I can't have a talk with you from voices. I mean, this is the range I used to speak in.
Whoa! What?
It feels really weird to do that voice just because I don't really, I don't do it that often.
It's basically just like muscle memory.
So once you learn like the exercises and practice, practice, practice,
your voice eventually just settles into a new one.
And even though I can do my old voice, it is quite difficult and
it requires a lot of concentration.
It requires concentration.
Dude my grandmother had that haircut in the 80s.
The hair is terrible.
The hair is terrible.
Yeah, she needs to restone.
I wasn't ready for that voice change dude.
Yeah, that was dramatic.
That's a new lane I'm really into are detransitioners and they'll be like, I can still talk like a woman,
but I can also still talk like a man.
And you watch them flip, it's pretty interesting.
Awesome.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That guy's just having fun. That guy.
Did he call me either you or I don't know either.
I just heard you could call anything you want then just mobile it.
My dad had that haircut.
That guy's hammered.
Yeah, that guy drinks a lot.
That guy's hammered. No, that guy drinks a lot.
No, you could sit with the red face.
That's eight hours in.
Also, his tolerance, his halfway done drinking, you're incapacitated.
You know what I noticed about people that get hammered?
That's a different smile.
It's almost like the front teeth come out smile.
Yeah, the bottom lip is in a little bit. That guy's fucking
hand-wrapped. It's a half smile because the muscles stop
working. Like the nerves are shot in his face.
Yeah, yeah. It's all he could actually do.
That's all he can do. Is this Florida trash or...
No, that kind of feels like... That sounds like Louisiana.
Yeah, that's some fucking... That's some frozen bullshit. Yeah, like one of those things that go in the water with the fans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The swamp things.
Yeah.
This guy's having fun.
It could be Georgia, could be South Carolina.
All jokes aside, all serious.
How long do you think he's drinking at this point?
I'm going to say close to seven, eight hours.
Easily.
I would say, yeah, I would say about eight hours.
Yeah, he started early.
Yeah, it might be 10.
Because look how red.
Can we hear the last thing he said again?
I just wanna try to make out the last thing he said.
I'll play the audio with no video.
This way you can just focus on, let's see here.
Right.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
He called me either you or me, don't call me here. Right. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I thought I heard that. I think he said, but don't call me that. He called me either you or me, don't call me that.
No, don't call me that.
I think he's saying that.
Don't call me that.
I don't know, dude.
I think he's saying you call me either you or me.
Don't call me that.
That's what he was saying.
Don't call me that.
No, we're not.
Now, was he called that before?
That's possible.
That you'll never know.
Yeah, that you'll never know.
Wow. Maybe. Wow you'll never know. Wow, maybe.
Wow.
He's red. And by the way, that is a same day red.
That's I didn't put sunblock on.
Sunblock. And if you notice the cup he has, that alcohol cup, that's a big jug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's like that's like a double or triple.
Yeah, yeah, it's not beer.
No, no, no, that's half filled with something.
Yeah. And then a little mixer, if a's half filled with something. Yeah, and then a little mixer if a mixer this kid is yeah
Yeah, there's some type of bourbon or whiskey. I think it's safe to say we know what that guy voted for yeah
Yeah, yeah, I know I think I know what he's doing in 2024
He's not like when the camera saw he's not like
All right.
June 8th, you're gonna be at the Gramercy Theater
in New York.
Have you done the Gramercy before?
Yes, no, it got rescheduled.
We had to reschedule it, so it'll be June 8th,
and I'm looking forward to it, man.
It's fun.
You've done the Gramercy.
Yeah, I'm doing, yeah, Judeark Titty's the 23rd.
So tickets left.
But you've done the Gramercy, I'm saying.
Yeah, I filmed my last special there.
It's very special, beautiful, then you're out of love.
It's great for comedy.
Wonderful, you're going to have a great time.
You're going to like the way you look, I guarantee it.
And then if you have not yet seen nocturnal admissions on Netflix and you're going to
be, well you'll have in a short while, you'll have another special coming out.
Yeah, I'll have another special coming out.
We don't know exactly when.
I'm filming it this weekend.
And yeah, for all my dates, go to paulversey.com.
I got the three podcasts, the Versey Effect, Anything Better
and Bone to Pick.
So thank you guys so much, man.
Thanks for coming in, man.
It was so fun, dude.
It was so fun.
Sorry about the guy jacking off in his mouth.
No, no, everything was better after that.
Yeah, cool, cool.
We'll see you next time.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, cool. We'll see you next time. Thanks guys. Bye guys.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye, fellow Americans.
If one mystery we have not yet solved in this country, and that is where all the
commons.
Where's the commons?
If you have hot, sticky, humming balls, please don't fool me.
You got any commons in your balls?
You got any commons in those balls?
Where's the commons? You got any commons in those balls? So you got any commons coming your balls? You got any coming those balls? You got any coming those balls?
So you got any coming those balls?
You know what? Cherry, cola, and coming your balls?
You got any coming your balls?
You got any coming those balls?
Looking for a guy with coming his balls?
Hey y'all, you got any coming your balls?
You got any coming those balls?
Coming his balls?
He's got coming his balls?. He's got Cummins balls. He's got Cummins balls. He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls.
He's got Cummins balls. He's got Cummins balls. He's got Cummins balls, yes, I would. You have a lot of sticky cum in those balls.
Could have kept all their cum to themselves.
They thought about the rest of us.
Where's the cum?
You got any cum in those balls?
Come in my face!
You got any cum in your balls?
You got any cum in those balls?
You got any cum in those balls? So you got any cum in balls you got any coming those balls she got any
coming those balls you know it's cherry cola and coming your balls yeah any
coming your balls you got any coming those balls looking for a guy with
coming his balls hey y'all you got any coming your balls coming those balls
coming his balls he's got coming his balls
You've got coming balls
Got any coming your balls you got any coming those balls. I definitely have hot sticky coming my balls