Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - The Jiaoying Dynasty w/ Jiaoying Summers | Your Mom's House Ep. 741
Episode Date: January 10, 2024SPONSORS: -Go to https://Babbel.com/YMH to get 55% off your Babbel subscription. -Go to https://Hungryroot.com/MOM to get 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. On this episode of You...r Mom's House, Tom and Christina open with a clip of an all natural bodybuilder and discuss why famous leaders of history are so horny. We get a recap of some hate from Caitlin Campbell's Instagram posts and check out a cool train enthusiast from the UK. Tim and Kristin are then joined by comedian and all around hustler, Jiaoying Summers. She talks about her Chinese upbringing and how desperation led to her attending college in Kentucky. They also discuss topics such as strict Chinese beauty standards, scorpion juice, brutal mothers, and her ownership of a comedy club. Jiaoying also gets introduced to some classic YMH clips and reacts to some of Christina's TikTok curations. Ta ta there! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I was, I caused more to be like, you are so brave.
I'm sure you don't want us to make your skinnier during the Photoshop.
No, I'm okay with this.
You're like, love it.
He just fed his uncle to some dogs and you're gonna blow him right now.
My mom is a hero, like she brought me back from the dumps
or even though my penis was missing.
Can you imagine?
Yes.
Why are you complaining?
Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.
Let's talk about Las Vegas.
The neon city is the only place in the world literally built for celebration.
It's the place to go and gorge.
It's where you invite your friends, your family, anyone you care about to have a good time
and you throw down until the sun comes up.
Pack a pair of sweatpants, that fight home should be comfortable.
That's the kind of trip you should have in this year.
Those celebrations are gonna be more excessive
than ever the big game is coming
in an intruder Vegas fashion.
The city's going all out.
I mean, spectacles practically in Las Vegas DNA.
And that's why they want to make sure that everyone
should be able to celebrate freely, help support
excessive celebration by signing the petition
at change.org slash celebration.
It is very satanic.
Welcome to another episode of your mom's house.
I'm Tom, she's Christine.
We have some really important things to discuss today,
but before we get to those,
Jean, where are you gonna be?
Oh my gosh, February 16th,
I'm in Vancouver, BC at the Vogue Theater.
Oh yeah.
So pumped, did we do in Canada?
And then I added an early show in meat rattle,
Washington, February 17th.
At the Neptune. At the Neptune where I filmed. I'm in Japan.attle, Washington, February 17th. At the Neptune.
At the Neptune where I fell.
I'm a bit just, please.
I fell my first special, no.
Did I fell my special, right?
No, I did.
Crazy.
You did.
Yeah.
I don't feel anything.
I did.
I wanted to.
Beautiful.
Yep.
And then the Palace of Fine Arts
in Manfriend Disco, California.
Were you greasy?
February 18th and I added an early show
in judoic titties at the grammar scene and
Then the next night nothing for me nothing
Better and then Ridgefield playhouse and Ridgefield come netacon to March 24th. I love you
What's up there Joel Moe?
Christina P. Online dot com for tickets. Thank you. All right. There you go. Um, we
We the junior.
It is true.
It is.
I have, I'm on tour.
I'm on tour right now.
I'm in Oma.
Choma.
Choma, Choma.
And then I'm going,
things really pick up in February.
The arenas,
Redding Pennsylvania.
I got two at the Hard Rock in Atlantic City
and then Hanover.
Then Bart, Crystal's and I added a show
at the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
The second show is February 9th.
We're also doing a show on the 10th.
And then from there, it gets, yeah,
it gets, this should his big time.
You're a crazy town.
Portland main, Manchester, New Hampshire,
Mojigan, Sunerina, San Antonio, Dallas, Belton, Texas, Orlando, St. Augustine, Tampa, Hollywood,
Salt Lake City, Boise, Seattle, Washington, Portland, Nashville, Charlotte, Raleigh,
Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Rama, Canada, Cincinnati, San Jose, Lincoln, Des Moines, Kansas City, Camdenton, Wilkes,
Barry Township, Jamestown, Verona, and Banger, Maine.
Hey, what's that one speaks for itself?
That one takes us through June.
That's a while, don't mean.
And then I'll announce, at some point, probably the spring, I'll announce some dates for
the late summer and into the fall
So that's very exciting very exciting. It's very amazing. It's very amazing
Anyhow there's there's so much get into why don't we just open the show and get get rolling you ready ready? Let's go
This fucking guy again
Yeah natural yeah This fucking guy again. Yeah.
All natural.
Yeah.
Almost 36 years old, bro.
Yeah.
Is he wearing bangs?
That was my dog.
That was his hair.
I'll wrap that.
No, I've never done steroids.
Nope.
Never have done steroids.
Never will take steroids.
You know what?
That's terrible.
That's terrible. Oh, my God. He should do steroids. That's a weird pose. never will take steroids you know what?
Should we One more! To your mom's house! Play it.
Seeky Ray Honda.
Yeah?
Remember? Before he passed.
He was a good tenor.
He paid him a thousand bucks.
He hooked it up.
I have so many thoughts on this guy.
First call.
Shut up.
His hair is like what is he looks like he has Betty Page bangs.
Remember how long it was right now.
He just like folded it up. But why does he looks like he has Betty Page bangs. Well, remember how long it was? Right.
Right.
Right.
So right now, he just like folded it up.
But why does he have a, he created a bang?
He just, it's so much hair.
He's got a full head of hair.
Sure.
He's got great genetics.
I'm not taking that away from him.
Who's saying anything is bad?
It looks amazing.
He's, that back pose is very strange.
But, you know, he's, you know, he's got, he definitely has the foundation.
Well, in his panty choice is odd most most Americans
I know men don't wear but bodybuilders to be fair. They do oh they wear the speedos. That's what they wear
So he's showing you his body, you know what that is? That's okay. That's so good
Come and fucking dudes in the 20s
back in the early
Oh 20 tens late 20 days,
died of fucking heart attacks.
It's not something I'm willing to risk.
Nope, just saying the truth, not something I'm willing to risk
as a natural bodybuilder.
I'm almost 36 years old, bro.
I do it natural.
I've only had a chicken sandwich today and that was it.
That's so gay. I will say this. He does have the foundation for a great physique. Sure. Like he actually, he's almost 36. He looks great. I think he has a great physique.
It's a, you know,
It would be time I think to turn on the Royates though if he really wants to take it to the next one.
Is that what he needs to do, you think?
Yeah, or you gotta be like, so hardcore
with the lifting and the eating.
I mean, he said he's only got a chicken sandwich.
I think most bodybuilders would say,
you're just not eating enough.
Enough protein, that means more protein.
And clearly, he gets what the ladies look.
His house has the black light.
I mean, it's perfect.
It's like, chicks love this.
Yeah, yeah. I mean,
eyebrows are incredible. Look at his eyebrows. Everything. It's so funny because definitely what
men think women want and what women want, it's just chasms. What are you talking about? You don't
know shit. Hold on. Took my supplements. I didn't even work out today. Oh, bam took my supplements. That was it. Look at that. It's a cool tattoo.
Shifta. Shit out. He's very poor.
That's the true fountain of youth right there. Genetics. Yeah. And just died an exercise. That's it.
Yeah. Genetics does play some part in it. I think he's right about this too. I like his trap.
He's got good trap.
Shut the shut up.
I know I'm really fucking cocky,
but it's because it took a long time
to fucking build up my fucking muscles.
Yeah.
You know what I just noticed?
He shaves his chest.
He shaves his bodybuilders too.
That's what bodybuilders do.
They show you the muscles.
They shave, oh my god, I can't just.
Yeah, they shave everything.
Oh my God, any.
It's just like he realized that the huns are Hungarians.
I just realized that bodybuilders shave their bodies.
Yeah, I read all my mind with that shit.
Oh, he didn't know that?
No, the descendants of Asians, the hunts.
I can't believe it, like it makes sense.
Like what's with the...
They're Mongolians.
They're Mongolians.
They blew my mind.
I don't know shit about history,
so I mean, it kind of makes sense, but yeah, that's crazy.
Well, I think, I think we can really just glass over the fact
that what did you go ahead and get your transplant?
What's going on with your hair?
Yeah, I'm kind of feeling it out.
You know, sad boy vibes.
Yeah.
Oh, it's an email.
I think it kind of fits me, you know what I'm saying?
It's a particular lane of black eye for sure.
Yeah, you all met that guy.
We're like, wow, he is not like the others.
There was one, there was a goth boy
who was black that kicked it with us.
And he was the coolest and he, we called him Oreo.
Well, he called himself Oreo.
I was gonna say.
No, he was cool.
He was the coolest.
Those guys get it.
You just kinda, we got there the long way.
And we called them Oreo.
He was the coolest.
Well, he was.
And can I tell you, all the girls wanted to be with him.
He was gay, but we all would have.
Yeah, you wanted to have Oreos.
Because he was, he was the rare anomaly in the group.
He was the coolest.
Yeah.
There's nobody like you.
He didn't like the thing of you.
He didn't hook up with any of that.
Because women according to you want something different.
Yeah, so it's so I took me 47 years to realize this.
Yeah.
So I was listening to some like people talk,
comedians were, I had some green room chat.
And I was like, oh guys, this is so stupid,
but guys really do look at the meat vessel first.
And they're like, I like her tits, I like her hair,
I like those legs,
I want to fuck that girl.
And then if they allow it, like if the girl's like,
well hold on, let's not fuck first.
I need to talk with you, cut talks you first, say it.
Yeah.
And then they talk and then you guys get to know the girl.
Right.
That's male courtship.
The woman, at least to me, I can't speak for all of us,
but I'm like, yeah, this is decent enough,
but like what's on the inside?
Are you a serial killer?
You're gonna kill me or beat me or something like that?
And I can even like an ugly person if they're nice enough.
Like men grow on you, but for dudes,
like your junk is wired to fuck a certain thing,
and that's it.
Yeah, well, it's kind of, some of it's biological,
you know what I mean?
Like, when you hit 16, 17, 18, that's when your hormones start to like really spike.
Yeah.
And you're actually designed to seek mates.
Like that's what you're, you know what I mean?
Like fuck.
Society shapes you in a way now that you go like, I have to be civilized, right?
But your insights are like pursue females
So that you have some receptacle for this, you know
And you're your com receptacles. Yeah, you want to spread your seat. That's what you're wired to do
And then you know you learn hey, you have to approach but it takes you a while to know that you don't know that you're just like hey
I've decided that you make my dick hard
You don't know that. You're just like, hey, I've decided that you make my dick hard. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. And like, you know, I watch all these dumb
BBC shows that you make fun of me for, you're like, you're so gay for watching these old
Lord and ladies, but the Lord's will be like, my die call on you sometime. And that literally
is like, hey, I want to put my dick in you, but because of this whole societal thing I can't.
Right. I'm just going to kind of like come to your house
and we can walk in your garden until I propose to you
and then I can fuck you.
Like, they forced the lay gratification.
But the thing is like, also that guy,
I think I saw that scene.
Yeah.
He was already like, his tea was going down.
You could tell, you know?
He said he was a low tea king already.
Yeah, I think so.
I don't think he was like really like,
he wasn't like this guy, you know? What could he fuck it up for? No, nobody's likeking already. Yeah, I think so. I don't think he was really like, he wasn't like this guy, you know?
What could he say?
No, nobody's like this guy.
Yeah, so.
But that was back in the 1800s, you had to call and a little.
You had to call and a little.
Yeah, I mean, I think the funny thing is the older you get,
the more that becomes, right?
Your T kind of balances out.
And now you go like, hello, like to get to know you.
But when you're in your 20s, it takes a minute
to make that adjustment.
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Yeah, it's fuck first, talk later.
Talk later, yeah.
But that's why the girls need to know like, no, no, no.
When they're coming after you like that, you have to stop and then talk to me first.
If it depends on your goal, is your goal to bang it out too?
Because a woman can be like, I just want to bang.
Or is your goal a relationship?
If you're looking for a relationship
and you hope it's a long-term one,
you are probably better served to go,
I talk to you for a second, but if you're just like,
if you just want to bang it out,
then they by all means bang it out.
But a lot of times most women are like,
I don't want to just give it out for nothing, right?
Well, because it doesn't serve,
I mean, it doesn't really serve your interest long term.
Long term, it doesn't.
Because a lot of guys, it's true.
Like, there's a stereotype,
but a lot of guys will go, oh, I banged her,
I'm not interested in that.
But of course, because you got the meat vessel,
that's what you wanted.
And now you're out, and you may not stick around
because that's the only thing.
Unless that shit is tighter than a keyhole,
then you'll just keep coming back.
For how long though, even?
That loses its flavors. Yeah, true. Then you just go, you pursue another one. You're like, I'm a leek, then you'll just keep coming back. For how long though, even. That loses its flavors.
Yeah, true.
Then you just go, you pursue another one.
You're like, I'm a legged.
That's the one over here, yeah.
But then it got me thinking like back in the days
of Lords and Ladies and England and stuff,
like, so he couldn't bust nuts until he got a ring on it.
That's fucking great.
Bro, but like, so were those guys jerking off a lot?
Probably not, because they had servants.
Right.
So your servants had to jerky off.
Bro, they didn't even put their own socks on.
That means it was somebody's job to J. Lord and Duke's.
Robert, dude.
Will you Google it?
Josh is a little like, in the 1800s,
like, to Duke's and people who jerked their dicks.
Like, did your butler just J or D?
And I.
This is really long.
But nobody teaches you that.
And I studied medieval and Renaissance stuff in England.
And they didn't bring this up.
Sex surrounded by their servants.
Is it because their servants were simply their property and their
significance made them not care about their present?
I don't know.
Wasn't just servants who surrounded them.
Members of the ruling class often had sex
with their brides in front of their court nobles.
But that's just showing that they're banging in front.
They do it in front of people.
Well, yes, when you lose, so on the night of the wedding,
in order to make sure the marriage is consummated,
in France, they would do that.
Then they would have like, they were in, it was actually a status symbol to be invited.
How about that one?
Yeah, that's a good one.
So, are you listening to me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're invited to watch King Louis fuck his new wife.
That's fucking rad.
That's a hot ticket.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I'd watch that shit.
Oh, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.
I have to watch him fuck.
The Sun King.
Jesus.
Now that's King Charles II. They were two of the most lustful kings of England
And they worked well to cultivate their reputation as being the ultimate symbols of virility
King Charles II was the first king to use condoms but still managed to have six children as well as at least 14 official
Bastards sweet by seven different mothers. This died was fucking live in
King and where the seventh was said to have at least three to four women a week for
50 years. And with his specially designed sex chair, he was easily able to entertain two ladies at once. God damn!
Neither King was terribly fussy, and they certainly were not snobs, happily taking their pickings from noble women and actresses as well as prostitutes. It was 350 years ago this month that King Charles II cemented his reputation as the ultimate
royal playboy when he fell for English actress Nell Gwynn in 1669, even though he was
married and juggling at least six other mistresses.
Man, these kings were really living it up.
Scroll down some.
Let's see what else.
Any good little tidbits here
ruling England
betta-da-da
they were as a lot going on during the i'm sorry i can't
can't tell you my flaw in my theory though yeah i figured out
these guys don't even have to j their d
no no that's how royal they are they don't spill their seed they have never
jerks his dick there's a peasant who comes
right he's just like this one this one and then a person is always a receptacle to your gist and also when the king
And especially in this era goes hey you there is no like I'm not into this or I married I can't no
There's full series devoted to this when the king
But also like yeah, you're die you'll die. Yes, you go like I don't want it's like treason
It's like it's like an act against the king if you don't fuck him.
You're just mistress. And most of them, I got to say,
these kings do not look very attractive.
No, they're all super in bread.
Yeah. A lady in waiting.
A lady in waiting. A court lady, a personal assistant court.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the courts were polygamy was practiced.
A court lady was formerly available to the monarch for sexual services.
And she could become the wife consort in her concubine. Well, that's what happened in
the 10th and the 8th and lady Jane Gray, I think, was one of the, I don't know, freaking remember.
Well, it's lovely. It's a lovely story. It's so cool. Yeah, because I remember the King Jong-El stories.
Yeah, let's talk about that kind of thing. King Jong-El Because I remember the King Jong Il stories. Yeah, let's
talk about that kind of thing. King Jong Il, one of the fucking coolest guys of all time,
if you don't know, son of Kim Il Sung, father of Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Il lived it up,
like he partied hard and they had trained much like the old English kings, these ladies
and wait. They were the same for Kim Jong Il,
and they trained them to his preferences,
and they took care of them like they lived well,
and then it was just like, knock knock,
Kim Jong Il's dick is hard.
You need to get in there and do all his favorite little tricks.
And, you know, if you satisfied them,
I think you kept living well,
and if you didn't, you might go bye-bye forever. Like sent to a labor camp might get your tits chopped off.
But if you get pregnant they just kill you.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, well that's what the guard, there's a documentary about the labor camps and
one of the guards who actually escaped he ended up going to
escape.
Went to South Korea, they asked him, he was up going to... He was escaped. Went to South Korea.
They asked him, he was like, yeah,
we would just find pretty ones.
And then we would go come in here
and they wouldn't have a choice.
So I mean, it's basically forced, but it's not forced.
Does that make sense?
You're so, it's the guard at the labor camp.
So you're just like, okay.
And then he goes and then if they got pregnant, he goes, we was just, he laughs and he goes,
we just send him back to the labor and then they die there.
And he's like, yeah, it just time it goes.
I love how you're L-O-L-L-Ing.
It's pretty fucking crazy.
It's horrible.
It's pretty crazy. Dude. OhL. It's pretty fucking crazy. It's horrible.
It's pretty crazy.
Dude.
Yeah, it's pretty much quite.
Well, this is why you don't see people on the streets in North Korea.
Women hide because they're literally be taken in as like sex toys to the thousand-kid
lives for Kim Jong-un.
Wow.
This is disgusting.
This is how men are so fucking gross.
Yeah.
You guys are the worst.
Not really. If you think about it
We're kind of the best because he's helping them all
Do better until they
Proud
You gotta die dummy
The Korean food is delicious. That's the problem. Oh my god. It's my favorite. I would be Kim Jong-un sex slave if he was like
There's gonna be Calbee.
Oh, Sundobu every day.
Sundobu, Bulgogi, yeah.
Park that in.
Fuck yeah.
But yeah.
Does he at least feed his cocky balls?
Yeah, for sure.
Cause he wants to keep him healthy.
You live well when you're like,
you're part of the hermit.
When you're Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, for sure.
It's probably actually a great gig to get.
To lose mistress.
If you live in North Korea, and the alternatives you consider,
you go, do you want to just be, you want to blow that guy?
Because you get to live in this place.
But the problem is there's no longevity.
The minute he's sick, he's sick and tired of you,
you're thrown away in the garbage.
Like you live to be 30 and that's it.
Yeah, but I mean 30 great years.
Pretty cool.
Yeah.
Imagine. Yeah, comfort women.
That's what I'm saying.
Some work is made, but the most sexually attractive
are ordered to become comfort women for powerful officials.
Yeah, that's why there's no broad.
Fucking eyeball on those two and they're just like.
Ah.
Ah.
That's so scared.
So scared to make eye contact.
Oh my God, you'd be so scared to be these guys like lover.
Especially. Jesus Christ. Fucking. I'm scared to make eye contact. Oh my God, you'd be so scared to be these guys like lover. How is it especially?
Jesus Christ.
Fucking this guy, I remember when
Trump said that thing,
he's like, this guy with the uncle of Jesus.
Yeah.
I know.
Do you know how he killed his uncle?
I forgot.
His uncle had threatened, had been part of,
there's always been conversations in North Korea
for different cabinets to overthrow
these guys, all of the Kim's, right?
But when Kim Jong-un took power after Kim Jong-il died, there was his uncle and other head
cabinet members were talking about overthrowing him, right, and ending this wild dictatorship.
Well, he found out that his uncle was part of this conversation. So he took
him out to a field and placed a loan and then had grandstands for viewing. Oh, many yards away.
He could buy tickets to it. Well, I think it was just for like the elite and also for the homies.
So he goes like, check out. Yeah, here's a message. And then he had his uncle killed with an anti-aircraft missile,
because he goes, I don't want a speck of hair to survive.
Wow.
So a guy is just standing there and then,
like blows them up like that.
And he just booking a valve.
And then he was like, you guys want to go to lunch?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's pretty good.
I think the message is clear, right?
Those so clear.
But that's what the medieval,
that's what these guys did,
the old kings and stuff.
So he's like living in 1500.
That's a while, dude.
It's pretty fucking cool.
Oh, this is the same one or a different one.
This must be a different uncle.
Okay.
This says that his execute was eating alive
by 120 hungry dogs.
Okay.
Well, they're very hungry in North Korea.
I mean, this has to be a different guy, right?
It has to be a different.
I think so, yeah.
Oh my God.
120 hungry dogs.
Eight is a good, that's a brutal way to go too.
I think it's much more painful.
But I think dogs would eat people,
but I guess they do.
Yeah.
I thought maybe a coyote would eat.
If you train them to eat meat,
a wild dog.
And you starve them.
No, it's a masticated, like bitty wouldn't be.
No, bitty.
Yeah.
You get some rock wilders.
Rock, jaman shepherds. It's also Bitsy wouldn't be. No, Bitsy. You get some rock wilders. Rock wilders.
German Shepards.
He's also hungry for blood.
So it looks like these were part of the same thing.
It was the defense chief that he killed
with the anti-aircraft stuff.
Oh, okay.
Then his uncle, he fed the dogs.
I got it wrong.
So it's still pretty cool.
The defense chief was killed, and this makes more sense.
The person closer to him had a more miserable death
because the missile kills you, you don't feel anything.
Hungry dogs eating you, you feel being ripped apart.
Yeah, if I hated you more, definitely the dogs.
Cool.
Yeah, I think here you go, they're showing you
that I can then.
Other guy got.
That's crazy.
Jesus Christ. Despicable humans. And then imagine hearing that story, and then you get a knock that's crazy. Jesus Christ.
Despicable humans.
And then imagine hearing that story
and then you get a knock at your door
and be like, guess who's dickier about to suck?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Love a time.
He just fed his uncle to some dogs
and you're gonna blow him right now.
You imagine the terror.
You're fucking like,
you're fucking like,
you're fucking like,
you're fucking like,
yeah. Did I do good? You just come dripping down your face. Imagine the terror. You're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like,
you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you're fucking like, you? I would just find like my apartment, my shitty sad apartment, and I dig a fuck,
I build another bunker just to disappear.
A lot of them want to.
Can I just dig a hole, dig a tunnel to South Korea?
Can we do that?
I wanna-
I would spend my entire life with a spoon
just digging my way to South Korea.
You remember I found out?
Fuck.
This winter on showcase.
Look into someone for me.
Hello Macierini,
who's developing artificial organs.
Medical miracles.
He's experimenting on people.
From the Hitwondry podcast.
She's sitting there with a bloody time bomb in her throat.
Based on the breathtaking true story.
We have to figure out a way to stop this guy.
Your patients, they really trust you.
They trust me.
Edgar Ramirez and Mandy Moore star in Dr. Death.
All new Sunday at 9 Eastern on Showcase.
Also available on Stack TV.
Gently used, barely sanitized.
The skate's might smell funky, but the comedy is always fresh.
Catch DJ Demares, starring in the brand new secondhand sporting goods workplace comedy
One More Time.
New episode Tuesday on CBC Jim.
Remember I showed you these little while ago.
Booked to the day of the life.
Oh yeah,
I'm on your old 12 inches.
Hey, Hey, Hey,
Hey,
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,
Hey, Hey, Hey,
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, and you don't go to the gym. Eh. You know, you motivated me to not be huge. So mean, we found another guy who's also just living
his life like being an ice guy.
He's like, oh, here I'll show you the video.
Updated Max Bench, I noticed
Strength Game physically session to session
and feeling that translate to my max number
is rewarding to table least.
Week by week I've been adding more and more place
to the bar and after what's felt like no time at all.
I've already got my one-rept max from two 35
plays to two 45.
I have an Olympic bar which makes us a total of 135
which makes me more and more excited
to chase that big 150 mark.
Okay, so this guy is essentially just going,
hey, I live with, I've been left with weights
and I'm trying to get stronger.
And by the way, I'm getting there, like incrementally.
Well the way you get stronger, just putting out this video.
Okay.
So, first four things.
Smith machine doesn't count.
That's the machine that he's using.
It's not free standing.
So it has that, that's called a Smith machine.
And what happens is you don't have to use any stabilizing muscles, right?
You just, you just get to go up and down.
It's like a resistance.
Is it a real bar?
It's a real, the bar is actually,
he's not actually, that's probably not a,
an Olympic bar, it's a little lighter,
but the main thing is that you don't have to control
the weight yourself completely.
The machine keeps it from moving this way.
Oh, okay, okay.
You just have to push it up, right?
Got you.
Cosmith machine, so they go.
Smooth machine doesn't count. 135 on Smith is like 95,
three, your gay for sending hate from Canada.
Look at the likes.
113,000.
What?
603 for this guy.
So weird.
So weird.
Your gay, your gloves are gay, Smith machines are gay.
I'm at 10th grader and I've mentioned more than you.
10,000 likes.
It's fucking crazy, it's crazy.
It's so mean.
Don't ever step foot in Northwest Morocco.
Oh shit.
That's somebody said him that.
Hate from Australia.
Just hate.
And they're the friend list.
And no, and usually these messages say, like, love from,
right? That's the whole thing.
Love from.
5,000 likes.
Hate from Albania.
19,000 likes. Yeah. Dude, right? That's the whole thing, love from. Five thousand likes. Hate from Albania. Nineteen thousand likes.
Yeah.
Uh.
Dude, what?
Put on four, fifteen and drop it on your face.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Insane.
A full day of eating for a full-time gym rat.
Today I decided to prepare one massive meal to meet my protein goals.
That's exactly what I'd like to start having one big breakfast and so on.
I'm making a big stir fry with two chicken breasts, one fourth of a red and yellow sweet pepper, with some broccoli and white rice.
I'll also be preparing three full-polays of salmon, which is amazing for me because salmon is something I don't have often, but it's just so good I might have to add it to my normal food reaction.
This meal alone is well over 100 grams of protein.
So he's like, here's all my stuff.
I actively pray for your downfall.
Imagine being like, I'm just trying
to take better care of myself.
With the current global turmoil between nations,
they all still manage to unite together
to hate on this guy.
That's so trash.
So crazy.
Homey's on an estrogen cycle.
Who is this?
All he did it was good.
I made chicken today.
They're like, we fucking ate your guts, dude.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Diacosis of hormone blockers and soy milk.
Yeah, you just, it's just funny that some people's,
I don't know.
I know what it is.
Can I tell you my theory?
I have a theory.
I have a theory.
Okay, A, number one, the common denominator between the heavy set lesbian and this is that
they are a, like gay or trans, right?
So right away, there's that kind of, maybe a little bit of homophobic.
They're nerdy too.
Yeah, well, there's a trans or the homophobic, I too.
Number one, a little bit of that.
I don't think either one is trans, just see.
Well, you know what I'm just saying, like a little gainus.
Yeah, yeah.
They're fey.
Yeah.
They're gay, whatever.
There's that.
And then also they're nice, like submissive beta types.
They're sincere too.
Which the earnestness and the sincerity lends itself to bullying.
These are just the kids that got bullied in real life.
In school, it's the same thing.
And they're just getting what they deserve on.
So it's me.
You never seem like a deserve, but the kid who's like the bad
parents.
Ways more than them and they want like this.
And then someone just goes shove them into a locker.
Yeah, yeah.
What's that all about?
And they're like, whatever.
It's fucking idiot.
I said, picks themself up like.
And they're just doing this online.
Yeah. It's funny that it never changes.
That's middle school and high school.
This is fucking 30 year old people and people are still like,
fuck you man.
Yeah, but they're trying to stop bullying now in schools.
It's like it's never gonna stop.
It just shows you that this is human nature.
Of course.
Human nature goes, who's weak?
Who's weak?
And then they go for it.
Now here's the thing.
The same, I don't know if it translates online.
In real life, that kid, because you've even seen
like the videos of it now with everyone having cameras,
kid who gets bullied like that,
enough, sometimes they pop a bigger kid in the face
and everyone's like, oh shit, it changes.
It changes the dynamic.
Yeah, yeah, but like online,
I don't know if there's much you can do,
because you can't really fight the internet.
You lose every time you try to fight the internet.
Well, I mean, look, you can change the earnestness of the tone instead of being like, and I don't
usually have famine in my diet.
See, now I'm starting to fucking hate you.
You are, you're totally not fucking this kid.
Yeah, because now I'm like, what, what, what, don't fucking say that?
Just say, bro, I'm about to get jacked as fuck.
But that's not really easy.
There's what I eat, because that's a person with high self-esteem.
We'll be like, here's what I eat in a day
to gain weight and get fucking ripped.
You come with me on this journey.
That's a different time.
Why do you use arms big with no definition?
Try Sups take up about 70% of your arm muscles.
So training them will make your arms look more full.
I over-ditted on my first round of try-sup training,
which was a little over a month ago.
So I've been waiting for my elbow pain to subside, and it's finally time to train them again.
Overall I'm happy with my current progress, but I can feel some serious gains coming
my way in the near future.
Okay.
How harassed is he getting?
If you try fettin' all your arms are growing bigger.
Holy shit bro.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Don't listen to any positive comment.
Oh my god.
I fucking hate you.
What type of tampon do you use?
Oh man.
So the other thing is, I realize the only way this kid
can defeat this.
You wanna know what it is?
What?
He just stays in the pocket, keeps training
and actually gets jammed.
And then people respect him.
And then all of a sudden they'll be like,
oh shit, he did it.
And then they're like,
Amen, I was always a big fan bro.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I used to say, should try to motivate them, glad it worked.
Yeah, yeah.
That's exactly what they'll do.
That's how you win.
Yes.
You know, like that girl, the coffee girl that gets bullied.
Yeah.
If she, I don't know, lost weight and then posted that,
they'd be like, hey, good job.
Good job.
They're attacking your weakness
and then you have to show them that you're not weak.
Well, either that or you double down on your dorkiness.
That's the way. For instance,
there's this dork, can you find this nerdy boy,
he's an English guy, he has the,
he's the train enthusiast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
And he's like, I'm so excited to die.
I found and he doubled down on it and hold on.
And he goes to die I'm having a party
with my friends on the train and he's got a girlfriend,
he's got friends.
Here's something about that guy though.
I think that's a bit of an act.
No, I don't know.
I did a deep dive on him.
I think it's a bit of an act.
I think he was, there was like a little bit of sincerity
and then he dials it up. He dials it up.
So he leaned into the door.
He went into the door.
And go, you know what, I am a dork. Fuck you.
Here's what I like. And guess what?
I'm getting laid and I have friends suck my train loving dick.
That's what these, these dorks need to do.
And I think that's what the other girl's doing, the doughnut,
a coffee enthusiast. she laughs at them.
This guy's so sweet, look at his jumper.
Can you play one?
He gets so pumped.
I'm so excited.
I'm up to Birmingham today.
See one of my favorite classes of locomotive,
the class 56.
And even better still, I think a really great driver
called Tony will be driving.
Please give it some power.
Leanne's in the car.
There's no way he's gone.
They love it, I love it though, I love watching this.
Yeah!
Yeah!
It's tiny middle to
Okay, I'll tell you why I kind of get this now. I want to beat the fucking shit out of this guy. I know just on that post alone. I know. Yeah. I
Know because he's a dark. He's a dark
But it bought it. Yeah, it bothers me the dorks are like you still like trains and just fucking
You know what I mean hold it hold his head like hold it so that it's like on the track. Please fucking like that, you know
So it's like on the tracks, please fucking want it like that.
I am glad to see the internet correcting itself now,
where it's like, guess what guys,
this dynamic between humans is never gonna change.
Teenagers are gonna show on the weak ones.
This is, it's never gonna, no one's gonna total accept it.
All you do is you guys, you don't let them kill them, you know?
Yeah, don't hurt them physically.
Well, I mean, you know, shove into a locker
smack them in the head like that stuff, but don't, you know, don, don't hurt them physically. Well, I mean, you know, shove into a locker or smack
them in the head like that stuff, but don't, you know, don't crack as fucking job. Well, let's put it
this way. I mean, I got bullied or whatever. And instead of the grade physically, but I was getting
into fights. But it did help me. It corrected me. Because then I was like, oh, I don't, you shouldn't say
stuff to people. Like you shouldn't mouth off. And then I just learned how to hide who I was
and, you know, slowly become depressed.
Dupress.
I'm just saying that it was kind of good for a long trip.
It made me funny.
I got like three kids beat me up the first day of fifth grade.
And then afterwards, I just worked out more of that
somewhere for, like came back stronger. And then they were like worked out more that summer
for like came back stronger and then they were like,
well, what's up man, try to be friends, you know?
Yeah.
That's true, everybody gets it.
Is anybody immune to bullying?
I don't think so.
I mean, I mean, I mean.
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I him? Or just pure pressure? No, no, no one was there.
I just didn't like him pissing on all this stuff.
Ah, how that turned out?
I don't know, he was fucking going crazy trying to figure out who did it.
Oh, you never fed stuff?
No, of course not.
I was just like, who would have do that to you?
Did you get into trouble?
No, no one knew.
How old were you?
17.
Well. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha 17
Really yeah, I can tool so that's cool. Yeah, you can still do that jack off on people stuff peeing on it white shit on it
Yeah, I feel like you can actually because I want you can get away with yeah You can do it. It's very upsetting to people when they find out you peed on their stuff. Yeah. That's so true. That would upset me so much because they're like,
who did this? Yeah. It's fucking douchebag. Yeah.
All right. Let's take a quick break, sir. We'll be right back.
We are back and welcoming for the first time a hilarious commuting.
You can check out the Tiger Milk podcast. You can see her in New York on January 21st
at New York Comedy Club. It's Zhao Ying Summers, everybody.
Hi, I'm so happy to be here.
Zhao Ying, you're my absolute favorite.
And you're just blowing up.
You just came back from doing a movie.
And who is it with, some famous guy?
Brian Austin-Graying, she just came back from Spain.
He did a movie or just in Cosmopolitan magazine.
You did the Apollo.
That happened.
It was pecked.
It was good. It was packed. It was good.
How was that?
It was really good.
I couldn't believe there's so many Chinese showed up.
There's no Chinese restaurant.
That's opening in Harlem.
I feel bad for black people that way.
Yeah.
There's like, there's a huge Chinese population in New York.
There are.
Yes.
Yeah.
There's probably, I mean, New York is famous for amazing Chinese restaurants.
Yes.
Do you have a favorite, like, state side place
to get good Chinese food?
Yeah, New York, it will be flashings.
You know, they will be Arcadia, Monterey Park,
and the Gabriel Monty.
That's where all, that also has like the great sushi,
hidden sushi spots, hidden Chinese spots.
Everybody goes to San Gabriel when they want the authentic shit.
Yes, yes.
That's where Chinese people live, babe.
I mean, I'm just saying, the LA people will make that trip
if they want the real deal.
Yeah, that's real.
I think the food quality is also very good in America.
There's no fake eggs, so actually it's really good food.
Even come out of China.
There's eggs that are fake in China.
Shut the front door. Yeah, it looks like a real egg, but it's like really good food, even compared to China. There's eggs that are fake in China. Shut the front door.
Yeah, they look like a real egg,
but it's the chemical.
China is also really good at fake anything.
Yes, yeah.
There's fake Apple stores in China.
You know about this?
I'm pretty sure there is.
There's fake Apple stores.
So like not Apple products,
the whole store is counterfeit.
That's so crazy.
I don't know if it's discounted.
Probably, but I mean, they have the best counterfeit watches.
Watches are good.
I got you in the North Korea one.
I got you in the South Korea one.
They do the designer bags, designer clothes.
They even have counterfeit cars.
That's how meticulously well done that shit is.
Yeah, I'm actually a man.
Yeah, you do such a good job.
Yeah, I know. What is that about the Chinese culture. Why do they like counterfeiting shit?
I think being being wealthy is so important is like a Japan in the 70s when Japan have other cars
They start getting wealthy. They spend so much money buying luxurious goods
But in China the few people are very wealthy, and like
majority people are not wealthy, but in China it's so competitive for men to
get a woman because of one child policy. There's way more men, less women, so all
the big ugly bitches, they can pick ha guys, and they also like demand cars, nice
cars, like apartments for their ugly brothers
to get wives.
Wow.
It's just that right now all the men are paying the price for the one child policy because
now didn't that policy just recently changed?
It changed but people were just like it's so expensive to risk children.
I probably not have any or just one.
But the state was saying, hey, go ahead and have more.
Yeah, because of the people are getting older,
and also there's way more men at this age
that's getting married, the less women.
And it's very hard for them to get married.
So they just want to look like they have all the nice things.
Right.
So competitive to find a wife.
I heard this thing about,
about, there's always espionage, right,
between our countries, between China and the US.
I mean, all countries, but it's like notable,
the espionage there.
And they said that one of the reasons I've heard this,
that it's very hard to get somebody who's a Chinese
national to become a US spy,
is that in China,
they look very low down on government jobs.
Like working for the government
is like the shittiest job you can get.
Is that true?
I feel like in China,
because you can make so much money doing business.
Yeah.
And also they look down on doctors and lawyers.
People don't think being a doctor and lawyer
makes more money.
Doing business make way more money.
Right.
You don't think if you have to go to work,
you have to clock in, you are a loser.
That's how they think.
So government would be like a super loser.
Yeah, you have to go to work.
But in some people say,
Tang Dran, laying in bed and making money.
That's what people's dream is.
So they open the stores, like the fake Apple stores.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you know what I love about the Chinese too,
is that you guys are,
you guys are very unabashedly into material things.
Like there's no shame about like,
India too.
Be rich.
Be rich, make your money, don't be,
and I think in America, it's like we have a shame about it.
Yeah.
But then we're like, oh, but I'm still,
I'm still just a good person even though I'm rich.
You guys are like that.
Yeah, I just feel like money is power.
Yeah.
If it's everything, even if it's the war, it's all about money who has more money.
We all have people who is going to benefit us financially.
That's all, it's ugly, but that's the truth.
Because you can just make fun of just attack all the people you hate and just do the talk,
but you are not going to treat your son to fight for the war.
Your son can die for the people you are righteous reasons.
You don't want that.
You know, you just, the people just talking cheap just get a fucking money and get a
fuck out of the war zone, bitch.
That's the only way you can do.
You just fuck the right guy, still the right money, get the fuck out of the war zone.
That's the only thing you can do.
Stop bitching about it.
Yeah.
I think, um, no, the funny thing is, I remember talking to the Peters about this, you know, Russell Peters, Clayton Peters, and their parents are Indian, right? They came from India to,
they immigrated to Canada. And we talked about, about how there's kind of like no shame in the Indian
culture, at least here. Maybe, I don't know if it's the same India, about showing, right?
Showing wealth?
Sure, and the fact that you are more money, you're...
But like the wealth thing was like a display of like, yeah, we came here and we made it.
So like, you show, right, with clothes, with cars, with status, and there's no shame in
that.
Of course.
You're always showing your stuff.
I think because in America, you guys have the old money.
You guys being wealthy for a long, long, long time.
So people who are showing money means they are new money.
So you look down at them.
But like in India and China, after the world,
the country is new.
When you have money, that means you came from nothing.
You have money means you are disciplined,
you work hard, you have talent.
Yeah.
So people that show it off,
it's like showing off,
I work a long time for this.
Yes.
It's a sign of hard work being America,
it's like we have the rock fighters,
where you're from, TikTok, you know, disgusting.
I think that's probably why.
That's so, it's like, there's the new money split too
in China is very, like, it's substantial, right?
And it is very new for some.
I was in Hong Kong, and then we go to Macao.
And in Macao, we're walking around
and you see these little Chinese dudes,
and they have a product shirt, Gucci shades,
like all the shit.
And the people that were taking around
were like, that's a new money guy.
He just got, he's from maybe a fucking farmland.
And he just got came into money and he wants everybody to know.
He's like, I got fucking money.
So he's showing you with everything.
Yeah.
It's very, very distinct.
It's very distinct.
It's very distinct too.
Totally.
Yeah, so my stepdad was Indian.
My mother was Hungarian and the first thing they did when I got money, like, it looked
like Rolex and like, I have Mercedes.
It's a good car and she drive her Mercedes with her new ring
Down to the women's gym that she went to when she was poor and she's a fuck you bitch
Just look I'm rich now and that like it was it literally was a day that my mother was so stoked that she could drive
From Mercedes and show her ring and be like I made it fuck you
I mean it also came yeah
Everybody also came. Yeah, she was like,
she's showing them,
isn't her ring anything.
She's like,
you're like,
I say it was my stepdad,
you know, he was skinny and hungry his whole life.
And then he moved to America.
And he's like, fuck you,
I'm eating, I'm gonna get fat and rich.
And, you know, I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
When you come from nothing,
you want to fucking show motherfuckers
that you're not shit too.
Yeah, because they think you're shit.
They think you're shit.
Yeah. You have a great story.
Would you mind telling me,
are listeners of my husband your whole story?
Oh my God.
Yeah, so I grew up in China in the 90s.
There's a one child policy.
And Northern China.
Northern China, my mother was afraid I would be a girl.
So she had me in the hospital, in home, and in my home.
So just in case I was a girl, so they can get rid of me.
Yeah, yeah.
And then they would never had a child,
so they can be having another one, hopefully the boy.
And my father was taking me out.
And my mom just, she just feel like, you know what,
she's ugly, but she's a fighter.
She cried, you dropped her, like she didn't die.
If she didn't die, after you dropped her,
maybe she's not gonna die, you know, I'm gonna keep her.
Yeah.
So she kept me, but she made sure I know it every day.
That you.
Yeah, I'm like, she, not a prize.
I'm from the dumpster, she saved my life,
she's my hero.
So that's why I, for the longest time,
I have no patience for weakness.
Like I was in school in Kentucky,
my friends are like, my mom is a bitch.
She did not come to my body, recital twice,
in middle school.
I'm like, because you are a fat bitch,
you are not a daughter, right now.
If you're good, she'll be there. Look at you, we found her the money. Like, because you are a fat bitch, you are not a part of Reyna. If you're good, she'll be there.
Look at you.
We follow her on the money.
Like, are you kidding me?
My mom is a hero.
Like, she brought me back from the dumpster,
even though my penis was missing.
Can you imagine?
Why are you complaining?
But what I love about you is that
Joying wanted to come to America so bad
that she went to Kentucky.
I went to Kentucky.
Was your vision of what it would be,
anything like what it became?
No.
Well, you imagined like the Promised Land?
Yeah, I imagined Hollywood movies.
I watched the, you know, Audrey Hepburn,
Marrita Moro and the,
Hollywood, you're like, that's a mirror.
Yeah.
Then I went to the Cuddleland.
I just, I didn't understand what is going on.
Were you depressed when you got here?
I mean, I, I, I'm happy.
I'm not with my mom anymore, so that's good.
Yeah.
But I did not become a hot because I was slouching.
I was not confident.
I tried to cover my big face with my hair.
I was just hiding around in the corners,
but I was very good at math and I was tutoring mathematics and...
I thought you said I was good at math.
Well, I should try that too.
Yeah, yeah.
You were good at math and you were...
Yeah, I was good at tutoring math and I was making money and then I met a model girl who
started teaching me makeup.
Then I went painter so I started doing makeup for people.
I don't know how to do it but I know how to draw it on their face.
So I just started putting flowers on those butterflies on their face.
So I started making money to make up.
I started trying to look like a woman.
Then I decided to become a girl.
I started showing my face, stopped slouching.
I just became a pretty girl. Out Although the blue, it was crazy.
Did you date American men?
Yes, I had my first boyfriend, a Kentucky guy, Kentucky boy.
How was that?
I think he's just like, he wants to learn Chinese from me.
I think that's what he wanted to learn.
Yeah, learn Chinese.
Really?
Because he wanted to go to Japan and his visa was rejected.
Then he's like, okay, I'm just gonna try China.
Try China.
And he wants gold of China, he wants to speak Chinese.
My sister speaks Mandarin.
That's amazing.
That's useful.
Your face right now is exactly like,
I've told the story before.
So she joined the Navy and went to the language institute.
And then they do hardcore like eight hour a day classes like five, six days
of like these people are heavily immersed. So I saw her after a break and we went to a restaurant
and the it was one of those like you know the Japanese but they just take any Asian they're
like you're Japanese. So he's chopping it up doing it. She starts speaking Mandarin. This guy
fucking drops the thing. He was like, what?
And he couldn't believe that she could actually,
he was like, he starts telling him goes,
I've never met a white person that speaks Mandarin.
And he could even cook.
He was like frozen because she was just going back
and forth with him and he was like, oh my God,
I've never, he called other people over.
To see it, she's like a giraffe in the zoo.
It's just, yeah, it's crazy.
Also, like if you are anything other than Asian,
you go to the Great Wall, you are a celebrity.
Really?
Really?
Yeah.
If we have a guy who is a white guy,
look at him, he was thinking he's Tom Scor,
he can make money thinking about those things.
People just say, it's crazy.
Everybody think all Asian look alike.
Yeah. But like my mom should be watching the only pics. Like why are they the same? People just say, it's crazy. Everybody think all Asian look alike.
But like my mom should be watching the only pics.
Like why are they the same?
Like all the same, all the white people are the same.
All the white people look the same.
But actually, Asian think we all look the same.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
So cool.
They think you are Margot Robbie.
You can go there and make money.
Just taking photos.
Just a blonde.
You should go to the beach.
You also have the vote structure.
So you'll get to be familiar.
I'm a feminist.
I remember when I went to South Korea,
I felt like a giant.
Cause I was like, I went to go bra shopping.
And I was like, do like half of my one of my tits
can fit into these bras.
Or so they're just tinier.
They have like a, being a double zero,
being a skinny ho is popular in Asia.
Because when you're husband, be you can't run away. Yeah. You're too weak. Being a double zero, being a skinny ho is popular in Asia because when your husband
be you can't run away.
You're too weak, too weak, it's very smart.
The American man learned.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't encourage a woman to have curves, just make stars.
But they did like blonde hair.
I remember people, like, they wear a cat, they wear eye contact to have blue hair, blue
eyes, blue eyes to look white.
If you see the K-pop, you know,
all of this is pretty skinny,
like pretty skinny white looking,
blonde hair people are kissing in the front.
Or the dark thick bitches,
the mop in the floor in the back.
But that is so true, the Asians,
because I was friends with some Japanese girls
in college and they were like,
oh, I'm so fat, I'm so fat, but they weren't.
Like they were like twigs.
And they would take hot baths to try to like
steam out the fat.
I'm like, you're not even, I must be obese.
You must think I'm a disgusting pig.
But they shame you too.
They shame you, they'll tell you.
Like, they walk to you and pinch you.
I was, I caused mold, you were like,
you are so brave, you know, you would,
you, I'm sure you don't want to, you don't want us to make your skinnier
during the Photoshop.
I said, no, I'm okay with this.
You're like, you are okay.
You really learn to love yourself too much in America.
I'm like,
We'll handle it in post, don't worry.
You won't look like this later.
Yeah, don't worry, it's gonna look different.
That is fucking hilarious.
They shame you into it, right?
Like, doesn't your mother tell you like
when you have babies like right after like,
oh, you better thin down?
Yeah, she's like, you just had a baby
and you gained 30 pounds.
I'm like, I just had a baby.
She's like, oh, I'll talk a big yellow has three puppies.
She's back to normal, you three days.
Fuck, dude.
Holy shit.
So you were in Kentucky, you have a white boyfriend.
How long did that last for?
It lasts like I think long for a year.
Was he romantic?
He was young and he was a virgin. I was a virgin and he was, I think he was just, he was
kind of sweet but then he was cheating on me and I fell out. He went to law school in
Virginia and then I'm a Chinese woman. I went, I logged in his Facebook.
I have his account.
He didn't know I have it.
We have a family phone plan.
I can log in to his phone.
I have, I copied another, I have everything.
I know how many times the text was the text
and I hacked into his Facebook.
And everything they're saying is a girl from England.
And he's like, no, we never did anything.
I said, you are fucking.
And I know it. I'm calling off an engagement.
He's like, are you kidding me?
Well, you're engaged.
Yeah, we were engaged because you need a green card.
So, I just dumped him.
Good for you.
But what happens to your status at that point?
I was a student and it was fine.
I was working in Japanese restaurants
owned by Chinese people.
Of course, there you go.
The Chinese owned Japanese restaurant because that's how we feel better, we are better than them.
We can control the sushi chefs.
They spin in the sushi so don't go to a Chinese restaurant.
The Chinese restaurant owned by Chinese men because the sushi chef.
Who's your biggest beef with in the Asian world?
What's country?
I think I don't like the Indians.
The Indians.
Because they don't show their anger.
They are more vicious than Chinese.
Really?
Yeah, the Indians don't show it.
They don't show anything.
Chinese will be like, oh, I don't like how you treat me like this.
I don't like the Asian hate.
I don't like this.
The Indians, you can say whatever you want to me.
As long as I'm getting the money, I'm winning your lose. They actually have, I don't like the Asian hate. I don't like the Indians. You can say whatever you want to me. As long as I'm getting the money,
I'm winning your lose.
They actually have, I don't know.
They're super stoic about it.
Yeah, they actually are just more smart about it.
They just don't get affected.
Chinese people reject the job
because they got insulted.
The Indians don't get the fuck.
They take the job, make the money
and tell you fuck you later.
Wow.
I think that's what is going on with the Indians.
Let me ask you this. Most importantly,
back when you were growing up in China, did you have Chinese boyfriends? Are you allowed to date?
Or is it? I wasn't allowed to date. Also, nobody wanted to date me because I wasn't pretty. So,
they just look at me. I had a boy. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
You're very pretty. Yeah. I think after, I guess, I got confident and I started to become a girl.
But before I just found out I was ugly, I just give up.
I came here real short.
I was wearing sports clothing.
You're like, I was never going to have a man.
I was popular though, for setting exam answers.
You sold your exam answers?
Yes, I have a business.
I basically, I have a phone and I sell to subscribers
To buy my answers you are so this is what I love I was popular everybody want my number all the guides want my number and I have a service of the homework
I also I hired a four or five people to do homework for lady bitches and I also
So answers listen, John she's gonna rule. Yeah, this is cool. I like your fucking such a go-getter. I want to be popular
Thank you. I will be come back. I wasn't I can be popular in other ways. I wasn't pretty fuck that
I just become popular because I was a fan of your way, but like but that's admirable
You know that me everybody want my number if you want to hang out with me because
That's how they know that you're smart and you're a hustler. Yes, I hustle. Mm-hmm
I love that. That's that's gonna serve you really well, for sure.
You're in comedy, right?
I sell scorpions too.
One of the biggest, one of the biggest...
It's a silk scorpion.
What do you mean?
Yeah, yeah, I took the kids to the mountains
to catch scorpions under the rock
and I sell to the Chinese medicine store.
They put scorpions in an awful way.
It's good for a dick to get hard.
Yeah! Is there any with you? I can go to my hotel room and guess. the store, they put scorpions in alcohol. Oh, right. It's good for your dick to get hard. Yeah.
Is there any with you?
I can go to my hotel room and guess I mean,
it's good.
Scorpion alcohol get your dick hard.
And it's so expensive.
So I have other fat guys to put in the rocks for me.
Wait, it was chopstick to catch them putting the drawer.
And then without them, I would get 90% of the money.
I could get them $10, they buy fair crackers and candies.
Dude, I would love to gift the staff some scorpion.
Yeah, cute.
She'll hook us up.
Yeah.
You know what I love about you too, is that my immigrant mother, she's dead now, but they're
so brutal to us.
And I love that you have this mom that just abuses you.
She won't stop.
And you just, but she made you kind of successful, right?
I made you, she didn't make you.
I think so.
It's how you, well, it's how you reacted to your mother.
Yeah, yeah.
People, some people would have a mother like that
and they just go, I'll just, I'll just,
I'll just, I'll just, I'll just, you know,
I'll be what you say I am.
And then some people go, I gotta do something about it.
Yeah, I just feel like as a mom,
the way my mom treat me, help me to prepare the way the world treat me.
And I would react to the way that I think of how my mom,
I'd be like, okay, you think I'm gonna lose her?
That's cute.
I'll show you who's daddy.
There you go, that's what I'm talking about.
This is why this will serve you in common.
The big problem for a lot of comedians,
is they do, they're funny, they lack all hustle.
So what happens is time goes by, and you're like, yeah, that guy or that girl, they lack all hustle. So what happens is time goes by,
and you're like, yeah, that guy or that girl,
they're really funny.
And like, how come nothing's going on for them?
And it's like because they have zero drive to like,
you have to have the creative stuff, which is the comedy,
but they have no creative drive to achieve.
They don't, they're like, well, I'm funny,
that should just be enough. Here's the thing, it's not enough. It's not enough, or they don't, they're like, well, I'm funny. That should just be enough.
Here's the thing. It's not enough. Or they don't learn the business. You have to have the hustle
factor on top of the comedy if you want to progress. After one month, I did a stand-up. I was
doing open-makes. I realized there's not enough time. I want 10,000 hours. So I bought my comedy
club on Maros. She bought her own comedy club. Amazing. I drove by I see a closing store
that's for Lisa. I went inside. They have ugly clothes. So as the lady just gave me this, you know,
I'm gonna I'm gonna make it into something else. Wow. I'm going to into a comedy club. It's like
an open-mic place. Yeah. But then on weekends we have four shows a weekend. I got it a month after
I mean I did I star comedy in December,
and I bought it on January, it opened in two weeks.
Wow.
I hired an Asian guy to do a discussion.
That's why.
Yeah, that's why.
Yeah, that's why.
It was Taiwanese guy though, his slow.
If a Chinese guy, Minglan, one week Taiwanese people,
the moment they get some freedom, they got lazy.
You know, he's like taking lunch breaks.
I'm like, honey, you don't take lunch breaks, you're Asian.
You're Asian.
Typical Taiwanese culture. I know. I'm like, no, you don't take lunch breaks, you're right. You're a typical Taiwanese culture.
I'm like, no, you don't have lunch.
You serve drinks and food there.
We are getting a beer wine license.
I'm going to take over the next store to knock it down and just make it bigger.
Because you need to start alcohol to make it real money.
You do, that's what I'm saying.
That's when everything will change.
I'm keeping the club.
I need to make more money to keep it.
So I want to buy in that.
That'll change your profit margin for your...
To think so.
Not only is she a club owner and she's doing movies.
She's in Cosmo magazine.
She's a mother of two small children.
Yeah, that's...
And my single mom, the husband left.
I can't believe that, dude.
So wait.
He got to know me.
He's like, no.
After Kentucky guy, you are single again. Yeah. Do you date another American? Yeah, I've married
my college sweetheart. Oh, you did. Yeah, he's a he's two years younger than me. He's Russian American. Very
very, but he was like he came here when he's four or five years old. So he's pretty American. He's like my first
The true love, but I was a stupid bitch. I just, I mean, like, I don't want her babies.
I want to be famous and successful before I have kids with you.
So it's not going to happen.
Then I just feel like I want to, I want my career so much.
I didn't know I can have both.
Yeah.
I did not know that with the right man, you can have both.
So that's the only way I'm in.
I just, we drift apart.
I decided to move to Hollywood.
He came to UC Irvine for science.
He's a biochemist.
So we were living together
like, no, I need to move in Hollywood to become an actress. So we had a distance and then I was not
smart enough to know that the man who truly loved me because he always encouraged me
and he always believed in me. He never really pressured me, but I just feel like, why are you so
nice to me? Something's wrong with you. You're not used to that love? Yeah.
So now I'm like, oh my God.
Do you ever have contact with him or no?
I think he traumatized by me, but he's in Denver.
I may go there, or he has a girlfriend or fiance,
but I don't think they're getting married and it has a son.
Yeah, also she could die.
I hope so.
She's a biochemist, you know, never know.
She's never gonna look at the love.
Yeah, she could get pushed off a mountain.
Yeah, see if she likes heights.
Can you do that, you have Mark?
Nice.
There's no cameras up there, I'll tell you that.
That's nice.
So then you met the other guy after.
Oh my God, your baby, I was awful.
I wanted to try not to host a Shanghai Film Festival.
I was single, I was doing business,
I was visiting hedge fund, so I was making good money.
I learned business in school. I wanted to not be a starving artist. I wanted enough money to pay for the best
acting training to go to the gym to think, to actually be a human. Because I hustle so hard
in college, I worked at nine jobs, the credulous jobs. I think here, oh ladies in bed who has
autoimmune disease, I changed her diaper. It was Bruto and I drove around a blind lady.
She realized I was aged like, oh, I don't want an Asian woman driving.
You're blind.
You're blind.
You know.
So you can't afford a real person.
That's all you got.
So I just know I did all, I had to clean the bathroom because I, you know, I work in
the restaurants, I have to do all the shitty jobs.
So I decided to not be poor.
Yeah, so smart.
So it was good.
I learned acting.
I was auditioning and I, I mean, John Singleton got me in comedy, actually.
He did?
He did.
He literally, he just, he, I auditioned for him for, um,
Rebel. It's a TV show about this girl, a black girl. She's a cop and her set kick.
Set kick is an Asian girl who knows kung fu. It's the, like, like, Oakland, the, the
move that TV show. It's, it's like, it's rush hour with a low budget. Yeah.
Black woman, Chinese woman. But, you know, I thought I did good. I got a call back and a second call back.
And then he saw me.
He just, he said, do some improv.
I start saying things.
He started laughing.
I think it was dropping jokes.
I just, I just do that.
And then he's like, you should do stand-up comedy.
He walk over me.
He was pulling all the ones little clip.
He's like, you should do stand-up comedy.
You're gonna be a star.
I just heard that.
I was so shocked.
I knew who he was.
I watched boys in the hood.
I said, oh my god, thank you so much.
Do I have the job now?
He said, hell no, bitch, I don't understand the word you said.
Get out.
But he got my number.
He actually said, hey, go to an open mic.
So he actually followed up with me.
We had a general friendship.
He was very honest.
I think you are not gonna get the roles you want in movies, TV shows. Most people don't take a risk on somebody with a heavy accent who's not already a star.
But you are funny. If you actually going to invest time in your talent to develop it,
I can see you becoming good in stand-up and you can do any movie you want when you have a name.
Amazing. And he actually followed up. We became real friends. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome.
It was, he literally just like, I didn't know anything about standoff.
It because we don't have it in China.
Right. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.
You know what you have in China right now?
This.
Nice.
Automated for men who are too embarrassed to masturbate in hospitals.
I love how serious his face is. Yeah.
Yeah.
And I was like, man, that is fucking such a cool thing that the state.
That's nice.
But you're not embarrassed to stand in a hallway with 10 dick machines.
You just stare at the wall.
Okay.
Yeah, is that going to pee, I think?
Yeah.
You sit there.
Oh, that's for the guy with a tiny or dog.
That's nice. That's super nice. Oh
My god, temperature wetness
I'm not light. I can speed it up
I know nice and then you can just leave your deposit there
That's nice. Yeah, that's so cool. That's China. That's amazing. I'm very proud. Yeah, your people invented that
That's amazing the other thing though the opposite what I was gonna tell you was like,
my algorithm on Instagram is wild, right?
Cause of the posts that I engage with.
One thing that happens a lot is you see accidents,
like car accidents and like people falling down
in China.
This is time favorite.
I don't know where it goes.
But the thing you notice a lot,
cause I've seen some of these clips in China. This is time favorite. Yeah, yeah. But the thing you notice a lot, because I've seen some of these clips in China,
fucking guys like walking down the street,
a car, fucking clip, so many falls down
and just like laying there, you're like,
this guy dead, and other people look
and they keep walking.
And I'm like, holy shit, that seems
a very culturally specific, where they're just like,
I don't know if he's dead.
Walk right by.
In China, there's a thing called Fubuqi.
It's like you cannot afford to lift somebody up
because they would ask you to pay for all their
medical expenses and funeral expenses.
Because in China, we don't have traffic rules.
It's about human connection.
You sense, right?
Light is a suggestion.
The traffic light is a suggestion.
Like, okay, that's cute, but I'm still going to go through it.
And the thing is that if you are j-walking, a truck hit you is always the bigger vehicle's
fault.
Is there no fault?
Okay.
The bigger vehicle is a fault.
Is that fault?
No matter what. No matter what what it went somebody fall down the person who's right next to that person is
At fault is the criminal
Because why you're still there because you did it
So that's the idea behind not yeah, you can engage because you are gonna get fucked right
So then the true fault kind of yeah because even the right light is not there for the car run away. And also sometimes that
like if the victim is family, they would block the traffic and ask tips from
all the traffic going through there because their their son died there. They'll
be like my son died there. And the one of those big trucks did it and you guys can't
go through this road unless pay me tips. So the in some insurance they collect
like a 10,000 yuan
to pay for the funeral if you don't want to tip them,
you can't go through.
Just block the road.
God, you guys are hard fucking core.
Can I have been practicing this Mandarin phrase?
Can I try it?
It's not going to be good.
Take it easy on me.
It's from my act right now, so we have to cut it for you.
You better, yeah.
I'm just very excited to let the audience know
that you will be hearing some new, perfect Mandarin
as any of my live shows coming up.
Yes, I can say, Pigu, that's amazing.
Ask.
Also, Tom, that your Mandarin,
that phrase will become every Chinese mom's reentong.
Oh, that's it.
It'll be so popular, it'll Is it the biggest ringtone in Asia?
That's awesome.
I can't wait.
I can't wait.
I'm very excited.
OK, we have some special clips.
Just for you.
Yeah.
OK, these are, let's see.
This is something that we have only
seen in the Asian world.
Yeah, what's up with the deck, Kex?
Why is she going?
She can deck so much.
She going.
What does that mean?
She going is like a, you use like a,
it's like a type of Tai Chi, like you don't feel the pain
from outside the world.
It's a brick.
Yeah.
He's smashing his balls with a brick.
Yes. Yes. Look at this one. He's smashing his balls with a brick. Yes.
Yes.
Look at this one.
It's like a steel balls.
Like that's one practice.
They have those of steel.
So this is like you're overcoming the suffering
and you don't even feel your balls getting kicked.
That's how you've mastered pain in the mind.
That you chop the brick.
Is this a rousing demonstration women?
Yeah, do you guys like this?
No, we just think that they can't get bitches
so they do that to get attention.
Yeah, look at all those people with a steel balls are ugly.
Look, have you seen Bra Pitt doing that?
No.
So true.
Yeah, if they were using their nuts,
they wouldn't want them kids.
Yeah, he's exactly right.
Yeah.
Can you have premarital sex in China or Zai?
It's more or more common now. It depends on how much apartment you have premarital sex in China or is that? No, it's more or more common now.
It depends on how much, apartment you have, how many Rolex you have.
So you are not wasting your pussy on nothing.
Right.
Because you can't.
That's a pretty deposit of the investment that you are going to have.
Do Chinese mothers teach their daughters this?
Because we were talking about this before you got here, how the woman has to delay the sexual
gratification to get a man even remotely really interested in you and to commit.
I teach you that stuff.
I think in Japan, they are more sexually educated in a way that sexual education is very important
in Japan, but in China, when I was growing up, I was a virgin until I was 20 years old
I was in America because I was doing homework with a boy after school.
My mom heard that she came to the classroom and she beat me up in front of him.
She punched me so I can't believe I raised a horror and then I never had a boyfriend.
And you are not allowed to have a boyfriend until you got in university.
to have a boyfriend until you got in university.
Then I can't talk to boys before I was 20, I'm a horror, but after I'm 20, do you have a boyfriend, no?
Why do you look like this?
Where's something like a horror?
Just be like a horror, you have to just go from another horror
and transfer into a horror.
To get a husband.
To get a husband, because be a horror.
So you're addressing too conservatively?
Yeah, then she's like, why would you wear this? You look like a monk. I don't know how to look like a woman, be a whore. So you're addressing to like conservatively? Yeah, then she's like, well, what would you wear this?
You look like a monk, you know?
I'm like, I don't know how to look like a woman
because I can't.
You're also like, I don't know how to please you, mom.
I was dressing like this.
And now I gotta dress like this.
Yeah, so in Asia, they just want you to be a virgin
then one day they want you to trap a husband.
Yeah.
You just switch like this.
Is your mom proud of your success now?
Like, is she? She can't say it. She just like, you know, you are switch like this. Because your mom proud of your success now. Like, is she?
She can't say it.
She just like, you know, you are not all bad.
And then we were walking by Vegas
and seeing my face on the Kimmel Club market.
She goes, you know what?
You actually do look better in photos.
Ha ha.
She said, well, don't get cocky after I say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take it back.
I think I was planning, I don't want you to get too cocky.
Yeah, I don't get too much self-esteem now.
Fuck, dude.
So you never went to like, you didn't like,
French guy and then go to first base, second base, third base.
Like, it's all or nothing.
Yes, you just need to, when the moment, like,
because in China, we have the role as Leonardo,
like after your 25 expires.
Don't get it. Don't you are like you
Yeah, it's old camera fish. It's not going. Yeah, you need to trap the right guy when you are 25
And there's a breakup fee in China break up fee
The guys had to pay a breakup fee to break up is a guy who's a girl who's on her prime. Yeah
Yeah, you should yeah, it's a calculation. How tall you are? How skinny you are, if the... So if you're dating, like if you're...
So if you're dating...
So if you're dating you...
After three years, I told her...
And I go, I don't know.
You don't marry her?
Yeah.
No, you have to pay a break because she wins her pussy, Yang Yew.
Yeah.
She wins three years of her investment.
Yes, you should pay a break up fee.
How much do I pay?
Depends on how pretty she is, how tall she is, how much she raises.
So if she's gorgeous.
If she goes to Harvard or Qing Hua University, her So if she's gorgeous, she should go to Harvard or to her university, her education,
she's gorgeous, so you pay more.
If she's like a...
How much are we talking to?
Oh, if you are, you have your networks,
like the Chinese rich guys,
they had to pay a very handsome fee.
I would say like a, like a 1 million yuan for three years,
like a 200,000 dollars.
Because... And it's agreed up, like, is it legal?
Or is it just like a...
It's just a show that men... The social agreement. is it legal or is it just like a social agreement?
It just shows that man is like a great man.
Oh, people don't see your credit in China.
If you are a rich guy, you dump the girl with them marrying her.
They would question your character,
but if you pay a nice fee, they would go,
oh, I'm going to invest in his company
because he's a nice man who don't, you know, pump and dump.
Pump and dump.
Yeah, well, that's true.
I was just talking about this with you.
That's right.
Yesterday that it's all, it is unethical
for like a 60 year old guy to be dating a 23 year old girl.
You know, unless there's an explicit agreement
of the girl going, yeah, I never want kids,
I don't want a life, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
because you're so young and naive.
And this guy is just pumping clips, dumping his clips
into this young girl.
And she wakes up and one day she's 30.
And now her prospects have completely changed, right?
Because the first string draft of guys
who want to get married, they're doing that
in their 20s and early 30s.
And now your woman ticked off.
You know, you don't have eggs forever.
Yeah.
That's smart.
God, Chinese are so pregnant.
Yeah, they just, they really just get the break up fee so you can use money to
face fuck yeah, you do in your vagina. Yeah, lift up your tits and face up because they got that prime person
They took it away from everybody took it away. Yeah, god damn. I'm gonna go to China. Well, here's a guy who might not pay any fees
I don't know, you tell me. You go to Facebook, you're fucking easy. You're space in your Facebook.
Especially you, right?
I'll drive you back.
You're fucking gay, I'm a gay, so...
Excuse me?
Hahaha, how about you?
I'm talking to him, I'm not talking to you.
This is very rude, this is my friend.
This is my friend, you're being very rude.
No, no, no, she's not your friend.
I'm your friend, no, you're not.
I want you to fucking to like, I don't know who you are.
I'm not. I want you to fuck me to like, I don't know where you are. I'm not anxious.
I want you to fuck me to like.
Oh my God.
Pretty cool.
That is amazing.
LBGK, I'm a B-S-N-A-T.
Yes, you are your gay place label.
I'm not a cool gay, but I just like, I want you to fuck me tonight.
Please don't touch me again.
Please, I love you.
Singapore is not like America.
We can touch you.
Hey, I you. Go.
You're now.
Oh my god.
And then other people are coming around to see me.
Oh my god.
He's a confidence.
Very confidence.
Yeah.
I like it.
No, here's the gay I'm a gay.
I want you to hug me tonight.
Wonderful.
Yeah.
He's a gay I'm a gay.
I'm a gay.
No, here's the gay I'm a gay.
No, no, he makes you not to be.
I did not.
That woman's pretty strong.
Yeah, yeah, I show fucking me.
I'm calm.
I'm calm.
Dude, what are the guys doing in China?
Are you allowed to be gay?
You don't talk about it.
People now talk about it, but not really talking about it.
It's just like a really mysterious group of people.
A lot, a lot of the bad thing about this, a lot of Chinese
men who are gay, they do not want to bring shame to their family because if you are gay,
they are not going to choose you to take over the family business.
Right, so you really got to be a gay.
They are not gay and people are not very educated about gayness. Like a lot of women don't
know there's gay people, so they married to a gay
man. Oh no. And they had no idea their husband's gay and they brag about, oh he never purfused
any woman in my husband, never cheat on me. You know, they brag about it. And then they
had no idea. And the gay guys would like a, you know, just like a guest like them.
Yeah, so that's crazy.
Might be ideal to be married to a gay man.
Yeah, you just like, you don't have sex twice.
Yeah, you don't have, yeah, you need to get a
children that you don't have to be.
But then you could take them to that machine in China
and get his giz that way.
And then you just marry your best friend.
Yeah, put like some naked guys on the screen
in front of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. some naked guys on the screen in front of me.
Yeah, be so.
Yeah, drops his load.
It might do that in my life.
You should do that.
Okay, well are you ready to see this show,
for what it is, is most famous for clips, right?
Playing clips.
The all-time greatest clip of this show.
It's not so hard right now.
I'm so excited to show this.
I'm so excited.
Best clip ever. Greatest clip of this show. Tom's so hard right now, I'm excited to show this. Just so excited to show this. That's so excited. That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited.
That's so excited. That's so excited. That's my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my favorite. He looks at the car. He's like, ah, is the car good?
Fuck cars. I got a dent in the car now. Doesn't even.
But now, because of what Joying told us. Wait, wait, wait, look.
He's still like, uh, right there, where his head was.
Got another dent here, another dent here. I gotta take care of this later. This asshole, hustle the way to get here.
Fuck.
He's still screaming.
Still like, I know.
He's like, ah, you know, you know,
in the world, he said that Mercedes China,
he said that Mercedes, Mercedes shop,
or he's counterfeit the Mercedes shop.
Oh, well, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it? Can you tell? We know where it happened.
It's definitely in China.
Is that in North, in Beijing?
It's Taiwan.
Taiwan, oh, no, it makes sense.
Taiwan, those lazy islanders, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they did it.
This person who has a spiderman.
Oh.
Ah.
Could you hear what he was saying?
It just sounds like to our stupid ears, that he's saying Bakula.
Bakula?
Ah, Bakula.
And he still asked them to stop, like a stop.
Because somebody told, but he's like a dialogue of Taiwanese now.
Yeah, that, they said when it was reported, they said that whatever he's saying meant
stuck. Oh yeah, I'm a stuck.
Yeah, I'm stuck.
And that's the same as the Japanese women say in the aborns.
Yeah.
I'm a thing.
I'm a thing.
That's the same thing.
Yeah, but this guy is my favorite.
You get the scream, you get the guy being on a stuck, and then you get this guy just checking
out the car.
Yeah, he's like, that's a dent.
He's like, fuck.
Fucking go school. Yeah, fuck dude. Because it's right, because if he assumes. Yeah, he's like, there's a dent. He's like, fuck. Fucking he goes, go.
Yeah, fuck me.
Because, right, because if he assumes responsibility,
if he's like, are you okay,
then he's gonna get taken for the tips, the tip money.
Yeah.
Fuck that dude.
That's his fault.
He's standing not assuming anything.
The car, it's not my car.
You stood in front of the car man.
Yeah, well, do you try to put it on my car?
Ha ha ha.
Dude, it's like, you realize we've been analyzing this clip
for a year, for a second.
And it took a Chinese person to really put it all together
for us.
Like, this makes sense.
He can't assume liability.
No, no, because that person is gonna have a,
a mega ring for years and he has to be paying for my
decays.
Right, this guy is gonna look at this clip later
and be like, see, I didn't even come up to you.
I checked up when you did to my car.
Yeah, look at his face.
He's like, you're invading my car.
Yeah.
You try to text China now, like what do you want?
Yeah.
You fucking stood here.
Yeah.
And all I did was pull in and then you were in the way
and then your body hurt my car.
Yeah.
Your shattered legs left a dent in my car.
Yeah, if anything, I'm the one with the injuries.
Yeah.
And you had to pay me for my car.
And my emotional damage.
And my wife was building me one at home.
Yeah, she's gonna be super pissed.
So I lost a full, but low jobs.
Yeah, I lost a business.
Yeah.
All right, do you want to show her what you're best known for?
Oh, my TikToks.
Now, Joying's also, she's very popular in TikTok, which is how you really...
Yeah, but she probably doesn't see the same TikToks that you see.
You don't, so I curate the darker side of TikTok.
Yeah, yeah.
So anything will win.
I worked with a former crime scene cleaner, and he told me about one where he spent over
an hour picking bird shot, skull, and brain matter out of a ceiling after a suicide.
At that point, I'd rather replace the ceiling.
The thing with shotgun suicides is that he got a hunt and tracked down every single
pellet that passed through because now it has biological matter on it.
It's super tedious but it's kind of what needs to happen.
So with jobs like that, ceiling replacement is usually the way to go.
I thought you'd find that interesting so this guy specializes in crime scene cleanup,
and he's so sweet. He even cleans out hoarders homes for free, because they're so expensive.
It's like $3,000 just to have one room clean, so he does it for free. Anyway, Tom, if you blow
your brains out, or you blow someone's brains out, the brain matter gets stuck in the holes in
the ceiling. So, he says you may as well just replace the whole ceiling.
As opposed to pulling up every branch out.
You can't do it.
It's not amazing.
You think he make a lot of money from bribery?
Oh, that's interesting.
If I kill somebody died, I also have somebody else died there.
But I pay him so much money that he couldn't everything out that he got a money and I got
a murder somebody. Dude, that's the business mind that he make he got a money and I got a murder somebody dude
That's the business mind that I'm talking about
Just thinking that guy's rich. I can feel it. Yeah, this is why you're gonna just keep growing
Dude, you're so smart, right? I actually so I did read about crime scene cleanup when I was in when I graduated from college
It's a very lucrative business because it's highly specialized. Yes. I have biohazard suits and special equipment
So yes, when someone gets murdered in your home
or someone dies, you have to call a special cleanup person
and it costs a fortune.
So try not to blow your brains out in your home,
do it somewhere public.
Maybe I don't know who cleans it up then.
Well then it's just a matter of like the city
or somebody coming up to clean it up.
But when you're in a home, it's true.
You can't do it.
You pay for it.
Yeah, but if you hate your husband,
you want him to pay for that.
If you had to die, or if you hate your wife.
If I'm kidding myself, I want my husband to.
That's a good point.
The worst thing about it all.
That's a good point.
Yeah, then you take it out in the living room.
So now he's really got to clean that.
I hope nothing happens to you.
You know?
Let's see.
This guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, this guy. Oh, this guy. Oh, this guy. Oh, this guy. Oh, this guy. Portuguese is it looks tropical really oh
Your tribe so I go how did the Japanese movie at the Japanese school girl is doing that
That's how I feel
For sure that is
Can what is this in Japanese porn like you just said it before where they're asked to be like, oh no, I don't like it.
I don't like it.
What is this?
I mean, I love that when women hate like a freedom of sex, is they like fantasy, you know,
they want to see a little girl just go there.
Like you always see them super ugly, super ugly guy in porn and the girls are like so
pretty.
So they just like that guy's like
Yeah, and I get no I don't and that must be so prevalent as a as a male fantasy in Japan It's so prevalent because that's the dominant yeah, and in China saying
We don't know what's this? I don't know. It's just something that was in the fire
I
That's like that look, look like a Chinese machine.
The Chinese sex machine.
This is definitely from Japan, because I always blur out the genitals.
Yes, yes, because that's the thing.
Oh, and she's also suffering, like you said.
Yeah, you had a suffer.
Yeah.
And the men don't come on as they hear the woman suffer.
Yeah. Oh, it hurts so much.
Oh, my God. It's like talking to my mom.
Oh, no. Is it because she's like, oh, your dick hurts so much. Oh my god. It's like talking to my mom. Is it because she's like,
oh, you're dick so big. You're so you're so you're hurting me. I'm so petite. I'm so small. You
are hurting me. Yeah. Yeah. I would pop too. Is that right? I can do this for you. What do I say again?
Yamate. Yamate. It's painful. I did get the uh. I got the uh. It dies painful. I think it's a beautiful. Yeah, I got that he dies painful. Yeah, my day
I'm a day
I'm a day
Hey
Hi, I'm a dirty fat. Oh, I'm a shit pig. Yeah, I'm a toilet
I only deserve rape
humiliation
Dehumanization deserve rape, humiliation, deconmanization, degradation.
What's the different lane?
I didn't put that in there.
No, I know.
His nose hair is out, he's vile.
And the fake veneers, you know what's interesting
though the English love BDSM.
So it's the opposite.
The man likes to be degraded and spanked.
Their culture is punishing, spank me, you know, all that.
And that's it. Isn't the Japanese like like it that they feel like Chinese guys too.
They like that.
Yeah, I think Asian men enjoy just like,
women's suffering.
Fantasy women suffering.
They love to see women suffering.
Huh.
I guess I'm a little late.
It turns them on.
Yeah, it turns them on.
It turns them on.
Some people like to suffer to get abused by women.
Some people like, but they could not have much already.
I got a log into my 23 and me again,
she's a nice, Asian blood.
So I love these patch tattoos.
This is why they're crazy with how tech today are
in the drop shot.
I'm a very, very, very bad guy.
This is the guy who's got a Spanish tattoo artist.
The Chris Little based out of Xero goes to Spain
is one of the best to do it.
Let's get back.
So it's a new type of tattoo.
Check out their Instagram,
take a look.
It's like, it is patchwork, right?
No, it looks like it.
So he was just sewing it to show you how realistic.
Yeah. Really?
It's not really patchwork, isn't that wild?
That's insane, yeah.
Like the artist was just doing that as a goof.
Oh really?
So that's incredible.
The arrow of his boss showing him to get out from the office.
Yeah. Yeah.
The fuck out of my head. That's wild. Yeah, it's not cool.
Never seen anything like that. That's cool. Very cool.
Do you have tattoos? I have tattoos. I have this one is a Chinese woman,
an emperor from a town dynasty. That's her name. She's the only woman who
ruled China. She was not a queen. She was so young China was Tang Dynasty. She wrote China. I see. And she had a 20 male horse
talking about. What would you write this down for me? I'm gonna have the same one done.
Yeah, Kong. So she was you have to as an ampere. Yeah, as an ampere, you have to choose a
character to describe your like a your dynasty. So she was going through the dictionary in China.
It's like, there's nothing powerful enough for me.
I'm gonna invent my own word.
So she goes, the more, the more,
the more the sun and the more the sky.
And my power is above all of it.
So that's me the Zhao, like internal shine.
And then she made a legal woman to read
and go to school.
It wasn't legal for read.
She made it legal. So I thought she made it illegal. She made it illegal. She made a smart speech on the land. And her prime minister a legal woman to read and to go to school. It wasn't a legal woman to read. She made it legal.
So I thought she made it illegal.
She made it illegal.
She's the smartest bitch in life.
And her prime minister was a woman.
And then that's China was as best.
It's Tang Dynasty.
Tang Dynasty.
Yeah.
And she was one of the brightest.
What years were the time?
I was in like a 2000 years ago.
2000 years, yeah.
Yeah, she was, yeah, she's very famous.
She's an emperor.
She's an emperor.
She's an emperor.
Yeah, not like a queen.
And this is your inspiration.
Yeah, because you know, she, she was 14 and her father died
was a general and she was very smart.
She was educated because her father was a general.
So she went to the palace to start tutoring the prince
and then she wanted to become the king. So she starts
using the old king and he made her his cowboy, but when he
died, if you are not the queen and the top five or six women,
you have to bury with him because the king has to erase all the
woman he fucked. So the woman is not going to have sex with
other people. But she's the head of her time. She was fucking
that little prince.
And then he saw that she was very brilliant.
So he's like, I'll spare her from dying, but she can go to become a nun, you know, because
she should not have sex with anybody else.
She should be become a nun.
So when the young prince, if it's a wife, go to pray in the temple, she saw him and she
was able to fucking in the temple. She saw him and she was able to fuck him in the temple.
And then he ended up taking her back to the palace.
And all of the people, like the art design,
that we are not gonna fuck the old king's woman,
like you are not gonna marry her.
And he made him to be able to kill all the people
who was against him and he married her
and she became the queen.
And then he had some headache.
He has this migraine, can't stop.
So she started to do basically to rule the world,
try not to, and she's brilliant at it.
She's so good.
So she, as people, they write,
like, like, hate lectures, poetry about her.
She read it and she likes the writing.
She will help them to work for her.
She's like, I love how you write about me, how much you hate me,
but your writing is great, so I'm gonna hire you.
So the king ended up dying, she became the emperor.
Keep your enemies closer.
Yes, she kept them close.
I think it's good.
I will survive my mom after all.
Oh yeah.
Tell you get inspiration.
I have a lot of tattoos.
That's right, I'm gonna hear one in the back.
It's all Chinese characters. I wrote this. I'm not here one, and in the back. It's all Chinese characters.
I wrote this.
I'm a categories first, so I wrote this.
It's beautiful.
And then the Mexican girl, she, she draw this, and we,
she is so good.
You did great.
I love Mexican people.
They are amazing.
They run my comedy club because I can't be at my comedy club.
Whenever I'm there, people won't get their nails done.
They don't believe that's a comedy coming together.
And my nails done, I'm like, I'm not being nice.
They're like, I'm not being nice, they're the same thing.
The biggest green flag for a girl by far is if she goes to Pilates.
Every single Pilates girl I've ever met is wifey material.
I don't know what it is about Pilates, but it's one of the most wholesome things a girl
can do.
If a girl does Pilates, she's probably not going out much on the weekends because she
has to get up early to go to Pilates.
And it's not like a regular waylifting gym where guys will stare at girls and be creepy and hit on them.
Girls can just go with their friends, have, girl time, and get a good workout.
Like I live in downtown Tampa and there's a place called Body Rock down the street for me.
And every single woman I see leaving that place is as happy as can be, they're smiling,
they're talking to their friends, they're having a great time.
There's no time to be toxic if you go to Pilates.
I always say that we have to bring back, stayat-home Pilates wives and this is exactly why.
If you meet a woman and she said she does Pilates
regularly, green flag go for it, no hesitation.
What do you think, Tom?
I mean, I've never heard anything like this before,
but I mean, I'm not saying that it's a bad one.
I mean, I think I just threw up in my throat.
Jesus Christ.
I think they just go to their pussy's
so they're happy after birth.
You know, they are just lesbian.
Yeah.
There are some lego vibes there for sure.
Pilates, open your legs and tight, yeah.
Plus it's like, you always want to look hot
for the other chicks, you know?
Like I do corp power yoga and grow.
Oh, that is the best.
But they're all like all the girls come dressed hot,
but there's only other bitches in there. And there's always one straggler guy. But I'm like who are you
dressing hot for, bitch? Yeah, yeah. Other chicks. Maybe they're gays. Yeah,
stinks. And that's whether happy they're finally with all their kind. Yeah,
they're gay and working out. Sizzling each other.
They're stinking boxes. Yes. Yeah, that's it. Happy. And they also hit some
Tampa. We can't trust him. It's all Tampa's garbage. Yeah, she goes, there's something in there.
It's not a moth.
Wonderful.
She adds that it's curled up back there.
So now I'm waiting for the nurses to come back
and flush my ear out.
I am so embarrassed, first of all,
because that's so gross and I'm a clean person.
But I'm also like, it's an uneasy feeling.
There's a luggid
meteor.
We're all done.
It was a spider. It was a hive. I threw up. I'm never sleeping again.
I think the spiders rough first. Yeah. Oh my god.
She's traumatized.
Trouble because you imagine?
Is this a common occurrence?
I don't like this.
Well, you do consume insects throughout your life.
I'm sure.
But usually when you're asleep, they crawl in your mouth, you know.
They do, and they crawl up your nose, and that happens.
But having one retrieved alive from your fucking ear.
Dude, put me under a can't they get away? they crawl in your mouth, you know. They do, and they crawl up your nose, and that happens. But having one retrieved alive
from your fucking ear.
Dude, put me under it.
Can't they give you a, can't they just put you out?
Yeah.
I'd be like, just put me out, dude.
Oh, Lannastasia, just fucking, I don't want this.
Give me a catheter, I'll see you in a week.
Yeah.
I don't want this.
A spider dotting her ear.
Gross.
Probably because it ears big.
Yeah, big stupid ears. She should've had her mom tell her that. Exactly. She because it ears big. Yeah, big stupid ears. Yeah.
She should've had her mom tell her that.
Exactly.
She didn't have these big gum ball fuckers ears.
Dammy elephant.
Big fat.
As a crime scene cleaner, some of the most challenging
cleanups I ever had to do were the ones involving hot tubs.
Unless the body was found right away, these jumps would be absolutely brutal because they
would often be left rotting in a hundred degree water for several days.
Oh, I'm so experienced.
I learned how to clean hot tubs really well.
All you pretty much got to do is drain the water
and pick up a hot tub cleaner kind of like this one
to clean off any mineral deposits that build up.
Also, don't forget to clean the filter
because that's super important.
All you got to do is twist it off, take it out
and then spray with some chemical
and just hose it down.
And then you just throw out the bad stuff.
You're just gonna wanna wipe down
the rest of the surfaces with your cleaner
and then just fill it up with water
and you should be good to go.
Unless somebody dies in it because then you're just going to want to throw that thing away
because that's just kind of gross.
Just throw it away, right?
If someone dies in a hot tub.
That's really complicated.
I only a gay man can clean that.
There's things in places you don't know what they could say.
There's so much common in those hot tub.
So much fun.
There are.
Lots of jizz.
That's what hot tub is for, right?
Just gay guys to come in. Yeah.
That's what they, they thought they sell them.
It's a gay broth.
If you go to like a hot tub store,
it's like, come and swim in the gizz with us.
Yeah.
How many dudes can fit in here?
Yeah, that's what they say.
Six guys in here, yeah.
This is a three hot tub, six gay guys.
Oh, Jesus.
All right, we gotta wrap up.
Yeah.
Um, Jellying Summers, thank you so much for coming.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you for having me.
To the world.
You're absolutely fantastic.
You're hilarious.
You're a fucking absolute animal.
I think you're going to dominate the world
and we'll all be living in the Jellying dynasty.
Yeah.
Check out the Tiger Milk podcast.
And of course, you can see here at New York Comedy Club
on January 21st.
Thank you for coming.
Congratulations on everybody's pride.
Thank you so much, Christina.
Thank you, Tom.
I appreciate you guys.
Thank you.
In girl world, you can't call it a dick suck
unless there's jizz in your mouth.
There's jizz in your mouth.
Jizz in your mouth.
Jizz in your mouth.
Sometimes I want to cover your eyes
and it doesn't have to always go in your mouth.
It doesn't have to always go in your mouth.
It doesn't always go in your mouth.
It doesn't always go in your mouth it's always going in it's always going in
kind of sophisticated
it doesn't have to always go in you it doesn't have to always go in you it's always going in
I've never come so much
oh fuck me
I feel so good
good I feel so good, good. And that is ass.
Oh, my fucking god, God, God is so fucking yummy.
I wouldn't mind tasting it.
Sometimes when you dick it's hard to make noise. My com is 100% kosher.
My com is kosher.
I'm thinking that I would fuck this person.
I don't want the china. I want the peanut. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the pain. I want the What? What? What? What? So how was your pee? We're back at your pee.
I pee and push hard.
My pee smelled a lot like coffee so I'm going to have to hydrate.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
You're supposed to push as far as you can.
Been massage your little hole and okay, you come.
You come.
Let me see. Let me see how much you've done, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all that, let me see all ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Oh Look at this fucking tits
Hey, man, I'm ready stop thinking about him.
This is so disgusting.
OK, you come. You come.
Let me see.
Let me see.
How much you come?
Let me see all that.
I need it right now.
Identify as a threat, a nightmare, and a goddess.
So please bow down to me.
This is 2020.
Who do I do right now?
Why are you talking to the phone like that?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.